paper was light gold in medieval times
[Music]
oh no tobacco sugar
[Music]
that everything we thought we knew about
the world might turn out to be
completely wrong
[Music]
who's there
i know you're out there
i see you
[Music]
what you do is you get a plank and some
bits of string and then you tie the
string to the plank and you just kind of
walk it through the wheat flattening it
all as you go
gosh really only the other end of the
plank is tied to another bit of string
which is tied to a peg or something so
you just go around in a big circle hey
presto there's your basic crop circle
and is it a circle mrs merrick its
vandalism is what it is
yes but
is it vandalism
in the form of a circle can't tell mr
kingdom can't seem to get high enough
ah
well therein you see lies the fatal flaw
of our anonymous artists masterpiece
sorry we're in norfolk lyle flattest
place in britain a place where wearing
high heels gives an uncomfortable
sensation of vertigo how on earth is one
supposed to admire this wonderful crop
circle without at least a hill from
which to see it
good point well made
hey you there i got a minute
[Music]
these circles are the talk of the time
mr kingdom what do you reckon kids
having a laugh or uh you know
uh what do you mean terry you know
higher forces
well it's rather hard for us to tell
because we haven't had a chance to look
at them properly you know
oh well no problem there
really that's very kind of you in the
basket lyle
actually i think i'll just you know with
heights
it'll be fun
honestly peter
[Music]
call me on my mobile if you need
anything
ignore those boxes liars haven't clear
up fine
any idea where peter keeps his pub quiz
questions
beatrice sport sport
okay anything else just this came this
morning
is that written in crayole it might be
dear mr kingdom
we want it what's that say oh yeah
we want a lawyer to stop the council
well you can't say fairer than that can
you
do you smell something something like
what we
yeah
well i'm off good luck see you next week
[Music]
they're amazing
they're really quite pretty aren't
they really no different from being up
on a ferris wheel or on scaffolding stop
it
and see everything i need to from right
here thank you go lyle
every meter of wheat flattened is a
meter i can't harvest the things are
bloody tight as they are i can't afford
this just so some
kids can draw graffiti on my land
that's not graffiti that's science you
don't understand what you're seeing do
you
[Music]
ever again
never again i like it that norfolk's
flat that is good oh that is a lot of
brandy
that was quite a lot of balloon i think
perhaps on balance it would be better if
i looked after mrs merrick's vandalism
case um beatrice do we have anything for
bile something more down to earth
i do have something down to earth yes
we want a
laser
to stop the council yes well i suppose
that would work but i think you'll find
it says lawyer
smells funny who's it from
well i think judging by the
purple crayon and distinct tang of
incontinent dog that would be from the
dodzies
you'll like the dodzies
[Music]
young man
you've been drinking
um
that's a start
let me liven that up for you
oh you no thank you oh oh oh sorry there
we are
okay good
what actually seems to be the problem
they want us out
they say we have to move the council ah
something come with the letter
and do you have the letter i know
shirley added
oh not uh
surely
oh
and do they have reasonable complaint i
mean are you behind on your rent or
anything we don't pay rent mr anderson
we owned this house
bought it off them 12 years ago
it's awfully good of you to cover for
gloria nonsense she needs time with her
father everyone knows that family is
important
where's the baby
there you are
oh god please don't know how you're
working on this chaos don't look at me
it's lyle i think he's trying to make a
point of something
oh
she says she's going to harvest it mr
kingdom cut it all down before he can
draw any more patterns in it you've got
to stop her
that's a part of a hypercube
now that is a four-dimensional shape
that can't exist
in our universe you see crop circles is
lads with boards having a laugh
this is something different yes but i
still don't understand what you want me
to do i want to file a claim that those
fields are a site of special scientific
interest and i want you to get a
restraining order to stop geraldine from
cutting them down
i'm sorry terry they'll never designate
a site of special scientific interest if
it's a man-made phenomenon but what if
it's not man-made oh terribly serious mr
kingdom the universe is infinite and in
an infinite universe anything at all is
possible isn't it how can you stand
there one tiny man on one tiny planet
he's not that tiny
one tiny planet and tell me that
anything at all
is not possible
there are more things in heaven than
earth horatio than a dreamt of in your
philosophy
it's terry mr kingdom
yes terry um listen there's nothing i
can do
i tell you what i'll see you at the next
pub quiz all right
oh dear gold i know that look
you're starting to believe him aren't
you no of course not but well you have
to admit it's
it's very unusual
[Music]
no one believes me no one listens
we've got another red one from the
electric
dad look we need to do something about
this
it was ju a month ago where's the first
one that's not important this is
important mr kingdom says he can't do
anything to stop it then it's impossible
but would that stop the doctor i don't
think
[Music]
so
[Music]
uh sorry i was looking for um
for mr decker's office mr decorah signed
his case to me mr anderson i'm emily
cartwright
[Music]
mr and mrs dodds retired infirm some
questioners to their mental capacity
repeated warnings from the environmental
health office
sir
who apparently was threatened with being
fed to the dogs
this is an opening case mr anderson it's
for their own good
well
have you been drinking
[Music]
oh my goodness you're back
yes i'm here i'm listening
[Music]
i have a ginger beer please ted
look at that boys the three marketeers
to the very end yeah this one's asked
for their take-in
oh look out lads it's the opposition
think they're coming for you
you mess up terry
you just wait i know things you don't
this isn't a joke this is real
what's that about the crops was in
geraldine's field then yes
my god one of them is a white raccoon
whatever that is that's a
four-dimensional object mr king
you know one that can't exist in our
universe
miss dodds
i'm lyle anderson i'm here about your
parents
so you've been to visit them yes
good well then you've seen it aren't you
steak they're in
mess everywhere dogs filth fleece
apparently they got themselves some
half-wit 12-year-old lawyer to defend
them
i try to reason with them but they won't
listen they're mentally ill so for their
own goods i reckon you need to get them
into care so they can be looked after
properly
only you have to move fast because this
cheap great lawyer's already sticking
his nose in so best you gotta move on
miss dodds i'm not from the council
then who are you i represent your
parents
i'm the
cheap rate lawyer
that's what they like living there and
pits like living in
doesn't mean it's right
mr anderson you still think you're on
the right track with this case
miss cartwright yes actually only you
seem to be in a minority of one well
better to be in a minority of one than
to be
uh
well perhaps you can fax that witty
rejoinder through when it's ready
that's like someone's writing and doing
mention all mathematics using a whole
new language
get more books do you have books
sorry that didn't sound right um i mean
you have specific books yeah but my
degree physics and philosophy
still like to keep abreast of the
literature keep my hand in so to speak
[Music]
so
this way over here
[Music]
oh yes oh yes you can't hide anything
from me pete kingdom
[Music]
oh good you found them
[Music]
now
ask me where i'm going later tonight
where are you going later tonight
i'm glad you asked me beatrice i'm going
on a kind of stakeout with dc yelland
and general dean merrick we're going to
find out who the author of these crop
circles really is
right well speaking of rabid lunacy ted
stopped by he says he's worked out what
some of the crop patterns are and
apparently they are
four dimensional
space-time locuses
wow
gosh yeah that's what i said
and he left you some diagrams on a beer
mat
is uh is lionel back yet yes he is but
you ought to be careful the girl from
the council broke his mechanism or
something
um i'm not saying lyle you could think
about having a little bit of an old tidy
it's becoming a vertical health hazard
in here she can't argue diminished
capacity because they have been
effectively self-sufficient on their own
for the past 12 years and without the
capability argument there's no grounds
for a care order and no grounds for a
compulsory purchase right right it
doesn't matter how much you dress it up
with you seem to be in a minority of one
because just because you're clever
doesn't mean you're right it's certainly
not and frankly being a good lawyer
isn't about makeup and shiny hair
because being pretty isn't the same as
the truth is it gosh no i mean if you've
got great lips in the first place then
why put anything on them it's ridiculous
and if she knew just how ridiculous it
made her look then then then she'd be in
a minority of one yeah believe you me
well i'm i'm glad we had this little
chat
hmm
right
[Music]
so the school are going to suspend me
sometime this week
i haven't done my coursework and if it's
not in by friday i can't take my exam
is that all right with you dad
then you should do it really yeah
i really should shouldn't i
[Laughter]
is everything all right
mr kingdom
it's dan he's behind at school again
terry
terry we have to talk about these crop
circles
you see those are geraldine's fields her
crops
and when that property is damaged even
if that damage is well intentioned
it's still trespass still criminal
damage
you don't think i did them do you
well i didn't
i couldn't
it's the work of a higher intelligence
mr kingdom and that's not me
look
the point is every time i go to the farm
there you are well not because i'm doing
them
i have to be there
this is the most important thing that's
ever happened to me
i've been contacted
contacted by
them
[Music]
through the radio
really
[Music]
now are you sure he said radio
because it's traditional you know if
you're a real mentalist whack job to be
contacted through the toaster beatrice
he is not a mentalist whack job i should
have thought you of all people will be
more sensitive
excuse me
what do you mean by me of all people
nothing i just
nothing
there is a difference peter between
originality of spirit and communicating
with aliens through your appliances
could you do my coconuts please da vinci
no lost your old spot i know wayne
rooney no jermaine greer
no
shakespeare no
prozac no no no it's a child
babbage yes it is charles babbage but as
i've pointed out to you before ted you
are not allowed to join in
right well that brings us to the end of
round
no six please we're british
it looks like in the lead which is oh
it's tied between the three marketeers
and the hoola hobbies
and training behind the little terry and
the time lord
let's let's just keep it friendly shall
we sorry
right
the next round you might be able to
catch up here is round blake's seven
which is a science fiction
round oh you've got to be kidding me i
can't believe you didn't get hold of the
youngsters
it's an odd number so it's a buzzer run
question one
the american state of wyoming uh
location of the devil's tower the
unusual flat top mountain featured in
the final scenes of the 1977 blockbuster
club's accountants of the third kind
directed by steven spielberg
well i've got close encounters written
down here so that is five points
[Applause]
where's petra home which is amazing
musician little angel now the 1970s
science fiction series
[Music]
and so the finals will see the three
marketeers facing off again
a late comeback from terry and the tiger
so congratulations to all concerns
did you get my bear man
yes i didn't i must confess i hadn't had
a chance to study it properly there's
space-time lockers mr king and they're
set to collapse that the pattern's not
finished yet and you mind how you go out
there
right
[Music]
when we spot him
are you gonna put on your blues and twos
then
this is an unmarked police vehicle mrs
merrick oh
right
thank you delta from control what's your
position over
control at this is tango delta we're
currently holding our position at the
property perimeter over
who is that
mike we're in a field okay the moment we
stop being in a field you'll be the
first to know
i expect the important thing when you're
on the trail of crime is to get inside
their head know what they're thinking
before they think it that's what i'm
doing
and um what do you imagine the crop
sector is thinking he's thinking
i want to make more crop circles
right
mr kingdom
there's something in the wheat
prepare for our arrival two planetary
rotations and counting
what an assistant be ready we are coming
it's getting closer
or that's enough
is that is that
is that who i think it is
bloody hell hello
i come in peace
would you like a jelly baby
well
turns out there was a visitor from a
distant place after all yeah
will manchester
apparently everyone on norfolk tardis
has been making quite song and dance
about these crop circles norfolk tardis
norfolktalejust.net terry alton's
website you telling me that other people
people like terry know about this
[Music]
oh hello mr kingdom hello dan it's your
father uh i think he's down the farm
with all the you know the head cases oh
okay thank you
actually can i speak to you for a minute
so this is your room is it
what says johnny needs human it's the
only room not covered in sci-fi crap
well i wouldn't have put it quite like
that but uh
he certainly is an enthusiast your
father isn't he
i'm worried about him
he started hearing voices sometimes they
tell him to do stuff what sort of stuff
like two weeks ago i found him out in
the street standing on one leg
they'd told him to maybe he's really
losing this time
are you saying these voices make him do
silly things
when did this start
six weeks ago i told you
it's a beacon
see the aliens have landed there's no
laughing matter
you stop
no aliens in the barn
quite a lot of interest all of a sudden
this is important mr kingdom maybe not
to you or other people around here but
to those of us who understand these
things hmm
i hear that market chip has all the talk
of
norfolktardis.net these days who told
you that oh you know
i get to hear things too
talking of hearing things terry have you
heard anything lately over the radio
you heard it too
terry i'd like you to do something for
me
next time they start to
contact you
call me
straight away
i'm here about yesterday
oh you've got your spontaneous witty
comeback ready at last no
but i know what's going on oh you do
yes
it was their daughter who asked the
council to get involved in the first
place wasn't it and don't even bother to
deny it all right
because you can't deny it because i was
there i'm really not denying it so you
admit it then
mr anderson of course i admit it it's
not a conspiracy miss dodds asked us to
get involved because she was concerned
about her parents and after looking into
the matter frankly so are we what
exactly is your point
you've met her
she's awful she's got
kitten plates and little china
shepardesses well that's really not our
problem
all right
then i shall see you in court
good day ms cartwright mr anderson
i just wanted to let you know that i
won't be pressing any charges against
that nuttering scarf you won't no
harmless enough i reckon and what about
these other people who've been trampling
on your livelihood oh well you know
fair's fair i suppose it won't hurt to
hold the harvest off for a while let
them have their fun
eurodean how much are these doctor who
people pay me a tender attempt and
rambling rights and fresh milk and water
and i bring showers in the big storm
i like to think of it as harvesting nuts
instead of
wheat oh yeah she's leaving bay yes very
public spirited offer you know at least
now maybe the call will get finished we
can find out what it's all about
see this all smells very good doesn't it
i'm gonna sort of lunch i think i've
earned it oh i think i'll add a sausage
in the bun
what's in these omelets
mushrooms
you eat yes yes i think i'll have one
thank you very much
now as things stand your daughter thinks
you need help and the council think you
need help so our only hope is to
convince a judge that you are irrational
reasonable people who are capable of
looking after yourselves
bring it on
oh now
trousers
oops
how did your alien hunting go then hmm
did you get to the bottom of the voices
in the toaster there are no toasters in
my bottom thank you very much
what is she doing
she's a baby peter that's what babies do
no no no no not that the
thing with the colors i don't like it i
don't like it are you feeling all right
well to tell you the truth i'm a bit um
wobbly
wobbly i'm
divided into two pieces you see only um
sort of in
at an angle
right
beatrice
don't take this as a criticism but could
you please ask her to stick to one color
because it's very
[Laughter]
do that again what's in there lunge
which you no doubt got from some
tree-hugging science fiction freak
magic mushrooms
too
he's tripping his tits off i am so not
this is hopeless this is hopeless who's
gonna be in charge he's gonna run the
office
[Music]
afternoon people we are locked cocked
and ready to rock
i'm baked
[Music]
oh
oh my head
oh
here
try this
better
[Music]
i was right there is a second date in
there that's today today yeah well we
better get going haven't we
good
lord uh are those cufflinks by the
chance oh i don't know are they or are
you still hallucinating
i'll let you out of my sight for one
minute honestly and while we're on the
subject of my wardrobe any chance i
could get an office that's bigger than
one i am a qualified solicitor how am i
supposed to entertain council in my shoe
box over chambers your chambers are for
barristers or whatever
i have a court appointment in half an
hour then we'll see who's wearing the
lip gloss
so to speak
who are you and what have you done with
lyle
so i don't think it should be an issue
really i don't think there'll be any
starting down here somewhere mr mrs dogs
this is the courtroom right here you
have to follow me
it's these two
are these two seats
you're not gonna call on them why not
look at them
any judge in his right mind will have
been committed to care at once
met your charism yet have you no i'm not
wearing the bloody thing it's itchy and
it makes my head not honor your
no i'm a bloody judge i do what i bloody
like yes
now what's this all about i want my
lunch
[Applause]
on earth is going on
terry holden's boy
which is why we feel a compulsory
purchase would be in the best interests
of mr and mrs dodds
johnson
keep it short it's lunch time for god's
sake
certainly your honor miss dodds just one
thing
if the council were to compel the
compulsory purchase against your parents
home forcing them into care then the
dogs would go to a shelter and the
purchase price would become your
inheritance correct
not at all they've left it all of their
dogs
that's what i'm saying they're mentally
not right anymore
is that true
you've left all your worldly goods to
your pets
true enough
well how else are they going to be cared
for
well there's 15 of them it's a lot of
cash year on year with food and vets
bills and the like
we couldn't leave them to a shelter
or they'd have them put down so miss
dodds knew of your decision to cut her
out of your wills in favor of your dogs
oh oh yeah
and it was miss dodds who instigated
these proceedings to have you committed
to care and your property seized
this car right
oh
well that's correct
nothing further on
i see
now look here young lady i don't have
dogs because they're a
god almighty bloody nuisance but if you
were my daughter
i'd get dogs just so i could cut you out
of my will in their favor do you see
motion for compulsory purchase
denied
let's all get out of here
[Music]
just like his father i'll be pressing
charges believe me lots of charges i
don't think so i'm sorry well perhaps he
had good calls to be angry
i hear there's a brand new crop circle
in your fields very big very
impressive
so
only it's not quite like the other ones
it's a little
different in style shall we say what
does that matter so long as the paying
customers are entertained i don't know
what you're suggesting oh you think he's
suggesting that you put it there to keep
the doctor who nuts interested and that
it'd be a shame if we told them and they
all pushed off before you got a chance
to fleece them some more so why don't
you drop these silly assault charges and
go home
sorry peter we do get bald easy this
isn't nice cop attention deficit cop
but what he says is
broadly correct
i'm sorry about wrecking the place you
shouldn't have done that
but i can understand why you did me
all that work
and geraldine just
scribbles over it
they're a message aren't they something
to do with the past and the future
ted worked it out
it's eight years to the day
that you're
she used to keep his feet on the ground
you know
and when she died he just sort of
slipped away
we never talk about what happened
what does a message mean then change it
back
but you can't change the past can you
dad's always saying in an infinite
universe everything's possible
there was this physics coursework at
school
and i was looking up at the sky stars
and planets and that
and that's why i thought
what if he's right
about there being more in heaven and
earth than you can ever imagine
and that's when i knew i had to try
so i borrowed a golf cart and i just
drew it
did you work out the patterns yourself
well yeah i thought
aliens probably can't speak our language
but numbers are built into the universe
it's a stupid idea
no no
no i wasn't so stupid
well
nobody's pressing any charges so uh
let's get you out of here shall we
there's still the mystery of voices from
the ether telling terry to stand on one
leg clever aliens with a bad sense of
humor
exactly really
well think it out from first principles
who stands to gain from terry looking
foolish that looks pretty foolish
without any help you know oh no come on
be kind isn't it
of course
when did i start my magnificent pub quiz
about six weeks ago and
peter kingdom
oh hello terry
well they're back are they
thank you
i think it's time we met the aliens
sorry to disturb you but is liam in
he's in the shed
solar orbiter 3 solar orbiter 3.
prepare yourself for our arrival the
time is almost here
[Music]
after 21
[Music]
hello
are you still there
it was just a prank i hardly think that
toying with a man's mental well-being
constitutes a prank liam
you know as well as i do that terry
isn't as
robust as some people this kind of
stupid nonsense could could tip him
right over the edge he could be in the
church tower with a copy of catcher in
the rye and a sniper rifle before you
know it
thank you wow it's just a bit of fun oh
really
what about these planetary rotations
with the 21 divisions what does that
mean tomorrow night
9pm
quiz night finals
when terry if you had your way would be
where exactly
i'm still waiting
standing in the middle of the field
waiting for the time lords i could
disqualify you here and now for
guerrilla tactics and psychological
warfare come on mr kingdom no you should
be ashamed of yourselves not it stops
right now do you understand it
absolutely stops right now
oh and on the hooter the winners of the
market shipper grand pub quiz final ah
cherry on the timeline
[Applause]
terry congratulations
[Music]
it is astonishingly beautiful
vast i mean
how far can i see when i look up there
right to the beginning of time
i can't believe you made a hypercube an
actual hypercube look i'm glad you like
it but sometimes i could do with someone
to talk to you know
about stuff
about mum
we never talk about it not ever
i'm sorry dad
you know in families it's it's not
always about
everything working perfectly
sometimes
sometimes it's enough just to try your
best
[Music]
that's it
midnight nothing happened
well
but
you have changed the future i took the
liberty of sending in your coursework
your physics teacher's been making some
phone calls and showing your project to
some university lecturers and they're
very impressed
bloody hell
it's going to need a degree of
commitment from both of you
dan that means school work not crop
circles
terry if he's to do this he needs a
father whose head isn't always on
another planet
i promise
well
then when you're done with school i
reckon there isn't a university in the
land that wouldn't be pleased to have
you
i'm so proud of you
so what's the difference between ursa
major and ursa minor
[Music]
did the aliens prove you then
no
thankfully e.t went home
gloria becoming today yes yes soon you
can have everything back nice and aimed
again well you did a really good job
really good
thank you
i'm sorry to disturb you is mr anderson
available he is indeed
actually i think it would be much better
if you waited for him in his room
[Music]
miss cartwright this is impressive i'd
expected to find you in some dingy
little cubbyhole
well
thank you for agreeing to see me at such
short
notice not a problem
i just need your signature on these and
then the council case is officially
closed of course
sorry
[Music]
thank you no problem
of course now that that's done we're no
longer opposing councils
oh
we
have no responsibility to our clients
beyond this point
indeed not
we are
as it were
free agents
ms cartwright
emily
lyle
[Music]
you