are you going to bug me i might get a
mug you it's that gorgeous one
and i believe i can run for decent
marathon
download valee
bringing you now work with a smile on
your face stay with us for our winner
grand that comes up after 10 o'clock i'm
sure you're familiar with the format now
first
[Music]
what have you got there jeremy
a casework mother
[Music]
[Applause]
good morning jeremy
lovely day for it
lovely
i'll see you in court
[Music]
in mitigation i would remind the court
that it was mr lanton's love for his
children and his desire to see them
properly looked after that drove him to
commit benefit fraud in the first place
he is
truly he is you isn't it
you're on it first offense my ass you
stole my briefcase
warren i saw you lagging it down the
plan if you know my client bailiff
arrest that man mr king what's going on
sod
[Music]
will you wait please
i have to go no who
appear to be about to face charges of
theft of some sort
the police will almost certainly want to
talk to you all right can i at least
have a pee and burst him
[Music]
so
[Music]
you idiot
[Music]
wondering if uh maybe you
you know later we could
uh i guess it's up to you really
sounds great
okay yeah
super yeah uh well i'll get my people to
uh to
speak to your people
brilliant
oh you're such a big kid
oh dear someone's in a good mood she
thinks i'm like a big kid
you know what's that about
qualified solicitor responsible adult
grown man
well
don't you dare
brian what can we do for you
got a bit of an incident up in the golf
course now normally i'd deploy a team of
officers to investigate but
unfortunately all of my people are
currently deploying on an area-wide
manhunt for the briefcase burglar aka
your client haha the word is apparently
that they're already calling him the fox
like that
he was gone
the fact is he was wearing a wig and i
didn't recognize him all right
what's this uh incident at the golf club
according to stan gedick it's uh let's
see
it's a human rights violation
according to jeff rowley
it's a bunch of blokes in skirts trying
to destroy the 16th hole
[Music]
i am like the cinema chosen chief of the
druids and guardian of the old ways and
i tell you we will not be shaken from
our purpose now listen here stan
i got pain members wanting to play
through here this is private property we
were here first
this is religious persecution mr
anderson
[Applause]
all yours
gentlemen please can we both just agree
to talk about this calmly and rationally
now
must be that driver
hold on
[Music]
[Applause]
where is she
i'm sorry
i'll find her myself highly overgrown
it's a travesty
that
that was judge harding oh he doesn't
think we're hiding warren here does he
actually he seems to be after beatrice
what's your problem not making enough
cash from the sex line so now you're
branching out in the blackmail are you
high jeremy you do know how long you
could get for blackmailing a judge
beatrice uh excuse me i'm glad you're
keeping an open mind on this one peter i
am not blackmailing him yes you are
these photos got romantic
what
photos of course the photos and the sex
line all part of the same plot i didn't
call you you called me and i can prove
it
i've been homing someone would call
i've been feeling so
naughty oh dear god
i like naughty girls
naughty girls
bloody hell it's you isn't it what
who is this don't you ever call here
again you bloody pervert you
you knew him you recognized his voice
we'd met before met oh come on peter
you're embarrassing yourself as in
shagged oh how typical of you to
characterize our beautiful lovemaking in
that way it wasn't love making it was a
shag can we please keep this on a
strictly need to know basis
it's norfolk peter i get bored and horny
frankly who doesn't oh dear am i going
to have to go down again will you please
both be quiet oh great
[Music]
have a look around see anything you
fancy there's 20 off anything with a
pentagram
credit crunch no really thanks
look stem
lycastus i'm your lawyer and you need to
be honest with me
now why can't you just do your worship
in somewhere else
no you wouldn't say that to a member of
the church of england would you
the 16th is our cathedral
lines mr anderson
they join points of spiritual power
there's a big one here and another one
here
and right here they cross
and what do you get a golf course a
confluence of transcendental energies on
which they've built a golf course
exactly look when i said we were here
first i didn't mean last tuesday
i'm talking
thousands of years
can we please focus on what's important
here
petr darling
say hello to daddy
[Music]
oh you have to be me
this isn't happening i did tell you you
wouldn't want to meet him
[Music]
i am not a man to be trifled with mr
rowley when we develop this site we
didn't know anything about this druid
stuff we just bought the land fair and
square
wind five miles per hour to the west yes
but you understand that a compromise has
to be made i mean can't you just
divert around where they want to worship
range
25 meters
seven iron we're past 72
that'll add two more shots all
handicapped systems going haywire
thanks to these men in fancy dress
well
oh they want to talk are you yeah by my
mark
fire
[Music]
look jeremy what happened between us was
a one night thing
this is a whole life thing it's
different
no one's asking you to be involved
so you weren't trying to blackmail me
no
so who is she
oh
jenny or
jamie or something like that i can't
even remember her name
well you know how it is no i don't
so if you're not trying to blacknail me
then who is
i think the best thing would be if you
were to track them down and put a stop
to it
me
i can't do it can i it would be too
obvious and why should i do anything to
help you
we're family
in the biblical sense
it's your duty to find out who's
blackmailing me and put a stop to it
before they bring shame
on our family
well this could do you just as much harm
as me
good man
[Music]
i told you it was a bastard don't be
angry mr k i gave myself up
now you realize by signing that you're
agreeing to turn up here every day at
the designated time yeah yeah yeah mr
guy because running off the way you did
only demonstrates your guilt in the eyes
of the law but i had to my littlest just
won a prize a reading prize she's the
best in a year warren
school prizes right now should be the
least of your concerns
benefit fraud as a first offense is one
thing but if you've been stealing as
well that wasn't me
really mr kingdom this is all a mistake
couldn't give us a lift could you i am
the music
and i can play
i can play the trombone
[Music]
we really need to talk about your case
plan your defense yes mr k
um
i think i can convince them that you had
uh shall we say a moment of madness but
i also need to present you to the court
as a responsible sensible parent and i
am not someone who does a bunk dressed
in a wig and gown
has she won a prize mr k i had to be
there
it's all about them
i have this tiny window of time this
little
bit of the day that's for me for them i
have to make it all fit if i don't pick
them up at 3 30 every day my ex-wife can
stop me from seeing them i can't let
that happen
how about we stop for an ice cream on
the way huh
ice cream
[Music]
the wheels on the elves go round and
round
round and round
it's a really tough case actually i mean
throughout history men have struggled to
defend their spiritual and territorial
rights
since the dawn of time these ancient
celtic societies have been persecuted
and displaced now it's up to me to find
a way through this conflict why are you
being like this
like what oh butch
what's happened to your eye
have you been fighting
great by golf ball
let's all have some ice cream
first she calls me a big kid and now i'm
butch and to make things even better
i've got a black eye from a golf ball on
the stupid golf course with the stupid
druids and the stupid men in stupid
pants
mr smell
uh do you think you do don't you worry
mr kingdom gloria told me you'd be
stressed out now i've pruned your roses
and next time to give your shrubbery
some attention firstly i am not stressed
out and secondly why through here
there's a perfectly reasonable room
around the outside of the house well
gloria had to go out to the shops and
she asked me to listen out for the phone
so i'm trying to kill two birds with one
stone air
excuse me
kingdom and kingdom how may be of
service to you
one moment
peter kingdom
hello
i need to see you
it was in my car you can't hide do as i
told you or else what did this
this girl tell you
um
oh spank me harder mostly i think oh for
heaven's sake jeremy i do have real
clients with real problems you know one
of whom you happen to be persecuting
over a briefcase he swears he's never
even seen and how can i concentrate on
them when i'm distracted by your
ridiculous nonsense which just happens
to be entirely of your own making i
might add feeling better
face it peter your client's a nasty
little toe rag of course he nicked it
and of course i'm going to press charges
now
where were we
well
when you received the photographs were
there any instructions no nothing that's
why i thought beatrice was behind it
she has a certain history of
unpredictability
i do hope i'm not interrupting no not at
all mother this is peter kingdom peter
uh this is my mother amelia delighted to
meet you and you too
shirley called she's coming up tomorrow
to join us
won't that be nice
lovely
um shirley
my wife
[Music]
now
here's what i'm thinking
why can't you share the solstices but
once a year
twice actually
what
two solstices each year and two
equinoxes mr anderson mr snell well
stands at works on keep him vigil
you're a druid well
on my mother's side he told me they do
naked dancing oh yeah very important
part being a druid the naked dancing
i can't have people cavorting in the
altogether on the 16th hole
you need to sort it out mr anderson
sort it out right now
bloody druids
you seen her bottom oh please lyle i've
been looking little elves for the past
half hour oh no i meant the tattoo
it's quite something oh
that's a point you know you may be onto
something then
yeah
good
so how's emily fine yeah thinking of
taking her to that new bistro on the
high street nice romantic meal for two
simple and classic
it's very expensive though that's right
lal you save your money you really don't
want to have sex you just stay home
count your pennies instead
i'll book a table for tonight
right cop i'm not going anywhere tattoo
parlor now look beatrice i'm afraid
hunting down jeremy harding's mystery
blackmail is not high on my list of
priorities i have a serious client
facing charges of benefit from
danger of losing access to his children
come on
in
let me guess a prince albert for you and
you're along for moral support
alas no not exactly um
we're wondering if you could help us
do you know this bum
well i ought to
did you do this tattoo
well now that wouldn't have been very
easy would it
grief so you're the tattooed bomb girl
joey's are my friends and you are
[Music]
and for madam i can recommend the
lobster tortellini very special
oh
well then i'll have the lobster
tortellini to start with and then
the steak with the truffle sauce
excellent
thank you
emphasis
i will have a
salad and a margarita pizza
thank you
[Music]
after i got the left one done with a
dragon well i thought will that make
them look a bit lopsided so then i got
the right one done with the mermaid to
balance them out
and the uh
nipple piercing
bug off
excuse me buy one get one free oh
they're good aren't they
they're um
they're amongst the best i've i've i've
ever seen yes
about jeremy though
yeah
bit odd really
see this woman called me up and asked me
if i wanted to make a bit of money
turned out the plan was i was to bump
into this bloke and then go out on a
date with him
a date yeah
so anyway i told him no way it's not my
style but uh
turned out it was actually quite hot so
i did it
well you know pretended to bump into him
accidentally when really she told me
exactly what to wear and where to meet
him and all that
and i got a couple of under quid
and this woman had called you up did you
meet her
no it was all done over the phone and uh
on this date
did you take any photos
of the two of you uh no
kind of a girl do you think i am
[Music]
is uh
this is nice isn't it
it's delicious
just to wait till i get you
i don't stop where can you get me where
all right
what's that
oh my god i think it's a cockroach i'm
gonna be sick
[Music]
great
[Music]
really romantic
[Music]
you're my love two pound of organic
carrots fresh out this morning still got
the earth on them thank you 2.50 please
hi mr kingdom
have some carrots stuck up fresh this
morning oh that's very kind of you thank
you 2 pound 50 please
oh right sorry mr k but i need the money
how about novelty clock mr k
lord well it's certainly very um
practical
um listen what
i've just had the dates for your course
appearance ah i can't do afternoons
excuse me all right my love
what can i get you
hello
anyone there
only the guardians of the dark secrets
of beyond
hello stan
thank you
you see the thing is a claim of prior
use only really works if there's like
a temple that you've built and
maintained something to show it's a
proper religion and not just well
folklore the temples are the open fields
and tall trees mr anderson and that's
lovely what the druids care about is
what you care about
nature
the woods and creatures
the planet
you bought that funny little car because
you cared about the earth right
right
a lot of people thought it made you look
like a bit of a pratt
right
but that didn't stop you
come on
where are we going
back to the dawn of time
darling how's the drive fine fine what
is the point of suffolk
shirley this is peter kingdom he's a
lawyer huh we'll work
i fear so yes i've got those papers you
wanted oh right yes the papers
charlie
oh
lovely to see you
would you believe it i just spotted the
prettiest little pied fly catcher it's
mother very nice
and only yesterday a willow warbler
quite a run of good luck
what do you mean it's not her i mean it
isn't jenny lennox she was hired she
doesn't know who by
it was a woman apparently
presumably someone you once
upset somehow
well that narrows it down jeremy
you haven't fed the cats
they're on a diet
and you might want to think about
breaking the news to your wife before
she finds out
i'll deal with shirley
well thank you for coming by
no address must be my neighbor no
no those must be the papers we've been
waiting for peter
my office must have dropped them off
perfect timing
why won't you listen don't make me do
this
who is this what is this woman doing
whoever she is she's clearly psychotic
well if you weren't such an unashamed
adulterer then lay yourself onto it
would you and another thing you really
ought to try to talk to beatrice
i got the impression she was happy to
see the back of me you two are petra's
parents
so
poor child
in the great genetic card game of life
what a hand to be dealt eh
what to be a looker though
[Music]
leylines join places of spiritual
significance
they're like the tomb i'm taking you to
where
tumors engrave as in
dead people
it is laying undisturbed for millennia
for centuries the spiritual power of the
burial barrow has been central to our
connection with the past
that is what i want you to feel for
yourself young lyle
and now
behold
bloody hell
it's supposed to look like that of
course not
[Music]
golfers
i don't know what you're talking about
he's a well-respected judge she's clever
good-looking financially secure
he is a self-serving promiscuous
complete and utter bastard
reminds me of your father
peter kingdom
supermarket security court and raiden
vegetables from the bins
caught them red-handed
when i chuck them away there's nothing
wrong with them just gone past a cell by
day that's all
so i've been
rescuing them
and
and rubbing a bit of earth into them
organic
people like organic
peter this is for your client
they move the hair into the morning so i
can still do the school run
no warren this is from your ex-wife
she's
challenging the custody arrangement
she's trying to stop you from seeing
your children
really
well there's a pain in the ass
all right i'll be there
sorry darling how's the office
something's come up
a nuisance
surely dear
will you excuse me
thing is this could be out war before
long really
well first the druids invade the golf
course and now the golfers have gone and
dug up this burial mound it's all
covered in blue plastic with holes
underneath
all things really escalating might step
now
hang
on
blue plastic
look at the holes or trenches underneath
oh well like trenches i suppose yeah
well then
there's your answer not golfers
archeology
i knew that
of course you did
hold tight
[Music]
you do know that i get seasick
inappropriate date number three
i uh
i came to say
you know sorry
and all that
i'm i'm not a bad bloke it's just in my
nature to be a bit
of an ass
you're not making this easy right why
should i
hmm
when you're in court and someone says to
you i made a mistake my life went wrong
but i want to change what do you say
three to five years
so you really believe that people can't
change
well you can't fight your own nature but
it's our natures isn't it that got us
into this situation in the first place
a double dose of hopeless inadequacy and
social dysfunction
you see i have to believe that we're
more than that because then she stands a
chance
look
i'm doing my best here i'm really trying
and i need you to try to don't just be
yourself try to be better than that
so that she can have a father that she
can be proud of
[Music]
please
[Music]
so
[Music]
burial barrow of an iron age nobleman
here it is
now have you been digging it up well yes
i know
that's certainly one of our digs but it
isn't a burial burrow it's a midden
and what a trash heap
where a village would throw their
cabbage stalks and broken rubbish it's
absolutely fascinating archaeologically
speaking but no one's buried there
yeah but on the map here it says
mislabeled i'm afraid the nearest true
barrow is
if
15 miles due south
sorry
well
let's hope the supermarket doesn't press
charges or it'll look like some kind of
serial offender a vegetable offender
it's not really a laughing matter is it
warren
sorry with the briefcase theft
outstanding i'm sorry to have to tell
you but
your custody of the children is under
grave threat
if you go to jail
she gets full custody
they get out of school at 3 30.
their mum gets off work at five what's
in between is mine
i lost my job because i couldn't work
afternoons so i started my own vegetable
you know with the organic but that
doesn't make enough to pay the the
maintenance so
i end up tweaking the benefits just to
scrape by but
their mum
she gets custody she gets maintenance
she gets to keep her own career
everything the people judging me they
don't have any idea what i've got to
live with
which one is harding's oh warren lampton
which one of these stolen briefcases
belongs to judge harding
this one
it was never supposed to go this far
sorry
i couldn't make ends meet
i did it for the kids mr kingdom i did
what any parent would do
you did
[Music]
the barrow you took me to isn't a barrow
it's a rubbish tip full of broken
pottery however there is a real barrow
here
and if we redraw
the second ley line through the real
barrow
as opposed to through the rubbish tip
then your uh
confluence of transcendental energies
exactly
is no longer on the golf course
it's here in this clearing
which is common land really it's not on
the golf course anymore well it never
was on the golf course
of course
that must be why my prophetic visions
have remained unfulfilled
[Music]
we've been chanting on the wrong spot
well it's all sorted now there is no
reason for you to be on the golf course
your path
leads here
[Music]
well done young man
you won't regret this
you have earned the gratitude of the
druids
[Music]
oh this is
harding
so you're the
bit of work my son had to do last night
i beg your pardon you're having an
affair with jeremy aren't you
right
i think we should continue this in my
office please
[Music]
is gloria can i help you yeah
you sit down she's having no no thank
you i think i'll stand
it's true then is it you are sleeping
with him why would you think any such
thing mr kingdom i know my son
i know what he's been up to
i just thought that by now he would have
stopped
ah yes stopped
hmm
if you don't stop all your lying and
cheating the photos will be sold to a
newspaper why don't you listen don't
make me do this and of course
i know everything about you tells
shirley the truth
and who knows more about a man than his
mother eh
you read these notes didn't you
i don't know what you mean please
the trouble is
jeremy's been beside himself he's a
judge and he thinks he's being
blackmailed
i'm not blackmailing him oh come on
what's it all about then wi membership
not paid up bingo debts
i was never going to sell the photos
i just wanted to stop him ruining his
marriage yes i appreciate that now
didn't want money you just wanted him to
tell shirley the truth unfortunately the
note instructing him is the one he never
received
i put it in his
briefcase yes unfortunately his
briefcase was
temporarily mislaid
don't you think it's time you talked to
him
go back to where the ley lines cross
go one hour before sundown
go along
your wish
will be granted
[Music]
what wish
[Music]
i don't believe this you knew
about the women
who don't try very hard to keep it a
secret
well i do
i mean i thought i did your father was
exactly the same
what you're running out of chances and
and
at this rate they'll never be
grandchildren
that saddens me it really does
what
i mean since we're
all being so honest and open
there's something i should explain
shirley and i we have
an understanding
what happens in norfolk it stays in
norfolk
she
she knows
she's known for years
in certain areas we have different
you know
interests
so she has her painting
and you have your bits on the side
there's just one thing i don't
understand
when i saw you
kiss that woman in the garden
if you weren't there for sex
why were you there
she's your daughter
she's perfect
oh my goodness
a granddaughter
well you are her only grandparent
you must be very proud
[Music]
yes
she's quite quite wonderful
[Music]
mr k
warren
that's your lift
you sure hmm
[Music]
i've got a good feeling about this
far from setting your children a good
example
you have escalated your illegal
activities from benefit fraud to theft
unless there is anything further bearing
on this case i have no option but to
embrace
if you'll permit me marcus there's
something i'd like to say you're a
material witness
actually i'm here more as a
well as a character witness
people make mistakes sometimes big ones
sometimes small ones
but through all those mistakes this
man's overriding concern
has always been his children
what i'm trying to say
is
that
everyone deserves
a second chance
jeremy are you feeling all right
very well
100 hours community service
marcus
oh all right make it 80
and consider yourself lucky
yes
oh
i don't know how you did that mr kingdom
but thank you well congratulations
warren you're a very capable man you
know capable and imaginative
well time's rushing on better get back
tell my little angels
cheers mr k
all right
[Music]
i don't think it's some kind of wicker
man thing do you
get me into the middle of nowhere and
then
i don't know it's a long time since i've
seen the film but um
wasn't it important that the victim was
you know
untouched
it's been so long it might as well be
emily
what are you doing
i'm here sure a funny man told me to
meet you here
he had twigs in his hair is that normal
for him
yeah
gosh this is
um wow
it is isn't it
[Music]
moss wine
why not
[Music]
cheers
[Music]
that was a kind thing you did then
indeed
i should wash my hands or something
i suppose you feel like that all the
time
what you said in there about
people changing
do you mean
i did the time
i don't know peter maybe i do want
things to be different but
maybe this isn't the right way to live
my life
bloody good fun though one day at a time
jeremy
goodbye peter
how's the eye
much better thanks
good
oh this is perfect
hi liam
mom
oh there you are
no no no no this isn't happening oh nice
michael mr snell told me could find you
here
hello love we haven't met have we i'm
lyle's mom nothing to me yeah you too oh
look at all those lovely ribbons
aren't they going to offer me a drink
man
[Music]
oh thanks what is it
[Music]
oh god terrible journey down
[Music]
you