1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,080
This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

2
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,320
Dearest Benjamin,

3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:09,040
I'm so pleased you're able to attend your Uncle Harvey's funeral.

4
00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:11,600
It means the world to the girls and myself to have you there.

5
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,600
Of course, with it being the first Monday in the month,

6
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,040
I will be honouring Nude Day as usual,

7
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,720
which is what I believe your Uncle Harvey would have wished.

8
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,200
It's fine, Auntie Val, honestly.

9
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,280
- ANNOUNCER:
- We are now approaching Royston Vasey,

10
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:24,840
where this train terminates.

11
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:26,600
This is the end of the line.

12
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:27,640
Let me get your bag.

13
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,280
GROANING

14
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,920
- Y'all right, love? 
- I'm looking for the mayor's office.

15
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,360
Oh, it's just down there on your left.

16
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,760
You can't miss it, it's the only one not boarded up.

17
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,040
Thank you.

18
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,320
Hey!

19
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,320
Hey,

20
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,520
it didn't used to be like this, you know - Vasey.

21
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,360
- Really?
- No!

22
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,000
Used to be a right shit-hole.

23
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,760
Derek!

24
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,280
- Your first patient's here. 
- Thank you!

25
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:09,880
Cheers!

26
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,600
Taking their two front teeth out, aren't we?

27
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,640
Just a check-up.

28
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:02,200
DOG BARKS

29
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,360
So, is it good to be back, Benjamin,

30
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,280
after all this time?

31
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,640
It is, though under sad circumstances, obviously.

32
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,160
Do you two know each other?

33
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:33,040
Yes - Barbara was the first person I met in Royston Vasey.

34
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,880
She was very friendly, as I remember it.

35
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,440
Hey, hey, hey, hey! We'll have none of that in here!

36
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,800
No hate speech.

37
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,600
Hate speech? I...

38
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,360
Gender neutral pronouns only.

39
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,240
People used to make fun of the likes of us.

40
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,120
Well, that's all gone now - the world's moved on.

41
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,240
We are no longer a source of cheap humour and laughs.

42
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,280
No.

43
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:56,680
And this cab is a safe, friendly, mutually respectful,

44
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,160
and above all, tolerant space!

45
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,960
Of course, Barbara. What pronoun do you use?

46
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,000
Well, if you don't know, you can piss off out of it -

47
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,560
I'm not fucking telling you!

48
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,440
DOG BARKS

49
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,800
CAMERA WARMS UP

50
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:20,840
ELECTRICAL BUZZ

51
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:21,880
SHE SCREAMS

52
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,200
Hello.

53
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,400
Hello, there.

54
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,760
And who do we have here, then?

55
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,960
This is Mittens, Mr Chinnery.

56
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,600
Daisy's been fascinated by hedgehogs for ages.

57
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:47,760
I see.

58
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,400
So we put out some cat food and some milk in a little saucer,

59
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,200
and after a few weeks...

60
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,400
along came Mittens.

61
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,160
What seems to be the problem?

62
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,880
Oh! Good heavens!

63
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,080
Well...you'll have to excuse me if I look a little excited -

64
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,760
this is quite an unusual disorder.

65
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,000
Will he die?

66
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,160
No, no, no, no, no.

67
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,840
It's not as dramatic as it looks.

68
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,200
It's a mild condition that occasionally affects

69
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:16,720
members of the Erinaceidae family - the spiny mammals.

70
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,160
- Oh, really?
- Yes.

71
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:24,080
Pockets of air can build up between the musculature and the epidermis.

72
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,000
Then an underlying infection causes a build-up of gas

73
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,880
beneath the hedgehog's skin.

74
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,040
Sounds nasty.

75
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,680
Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

76
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:38,000
Insertion of a small cannula will gently release the built-up air.

77
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,960
Mittens will be back to normal size in no time.

78
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,920
Don't you worry, Daisy.

79
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,400
Perhaps you could sing him a little song to distract him.

80
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,640
Put him at his ease, hmm?

81
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:53,240
- ALL:
- # Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

82
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:57,360
# How I wonder what you are... #

83
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:58,560
EXPLOSION

84
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,160
MOTHER SCREAMS

85
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,320
I can't see!

86
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,360
SHE WHIMPERS

87
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,560
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

88
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,560
Have you thought about getting a puppy?

89
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,720
What do you mean, squatters? Them flats is coming down Wednesday.

90
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,160
All right. I'll swing by later.

91
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,480
Where do you want us to move it to, boss?

92
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,680
Oh, just bin it.

93
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:40,280
In a couple of months' time, Royston Vasey ain't even going to exist.

94
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,880
Didn't there used to be a shop up here?

95
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:44,920
No idea.

96
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,240
SOFT CREAK

97
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,480
They're doing what?

98
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,240
Apparently, the county are moving the boundary line

99
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,120
to exclude Royston Vasey.

100
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:06,800
It'll bring down crime statistics, unemployment figures,

101
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,760
missing persons...

102
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,400
Yours are the highest on record.

103
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:14,840
Well, at least we're good at something, eh, Murray?

104
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,160
So what'll happen to us?

105
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,440
From what we've heard at the Chronicle,

106
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,360
you're going to be incorporated into one of the bigger towns.

107
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,400
Like Spent or Blackbottoms.

108
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,200
- Do you have a comment on that? 
- DICTAPHONE BLEEPS

109
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,200
Have you ever read the Bible, pet?

110
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,320
No. No, I haven't.

111
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,400
No, me neither.

112
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,120
But apparently, there was a place called Sodom,

113
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,600
which was full of incest, buggery and murder.

114
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,720
Eventually it was destroyed.

115
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,240
Shat on by God from a great height.

116
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,960
- Welcome to Royston Vasey. 
- What do you mean?

117
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:50,840
If they want to force us into Blackbottoms, then so be it.

118
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,640
It's no skin off my fanny.

119
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:54,760
But Bernice, they've got their own mayor.

120
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,920
We'd lose our jobs, our hospitality budget,

121
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,200
your free parking spot outside of Oddbins.

122
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,240
Fuck that.

123
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:03,400
Get some placards and paint and phone rent-a-mob.

124
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,600
We're not going down without a fight.

125
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,080
So, are you going anywhere nice on your holidays, Benjamin?

126
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,800
I've just booked for the Isle of Man, actually.

127
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,520
Er...Isle of what?

128
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,080
Er...Isle of Wight.

129
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,760
- Racist.
- Erm...just here, thank you, Barbara.

130
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,000
There you go.

131
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,960
Thank you, Barbara. See you.

132
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,240
Thank you.

133
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,880
Barbara's gone a bit militant, hasn't she?

134
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,880
Yes, he has.

135
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,920
Your Uncle Harvey would have approved.

136
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,960
He always liked to see things correctly labelled, as you know.

137
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,640
A place for everything, and... everything in its place.

138
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,480
Yes.

139
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:52,800
I remember.

140
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,400
Is the key under the mat?

141
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,480
Sort of.

142
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,840
Oh...

143
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,120
Make yourself at home.

144
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,480
CROAKING

145
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,480
Auntie Val...are you all right?

146
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,640
Yes, quite all right.

147
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,400
Everything's perfectly in order.

148
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,440
Do you want me to take my shoes off?

149
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:58,800
If you like.

150
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,520
Must have been quite a shock.

151
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,080
Harvey had been ill for some time.

152
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,160
But at least I didn't have to face it alone.

153
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,400
- CHLOE AND RADCLYFFE: 
- Hello, Benjamin.

154
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,280
It's nice to see you again.

155
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,560
We've had no-one to play with.

156
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:16,080
- BOTH:
- For years and years and years.

157
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:18,400
Oh, God.

158
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,480
I'd forgotten.

159
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:38,520
- All right, lads.
- All right.

160
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,800
Do you, er...need any DVDs?

161
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:42,960
You what?

162
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,160
DVDs! They don't know what DVDs are.

163
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,440
They're like videos, but you don't have to rewind them.

164
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,440
We've got all the latest ones on pirate.

165
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,040
We've got Matrix, we've got Sixth Sense,

166
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,960
where he turns out a ghost at the end,

167
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,280
- We've got Pretty Woman. 
- Though that is a love.

168
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,840
It is a love, and not like a bluey love, more like a drama love.

169
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,440
Yeah, pig-shite boring, to be honest.

170
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:02,640
Nah, you're all right, mate.

171
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,720
We've got some good horrors. Silence Of The Lambs.

172
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,880
Good killings, though it did win an Oscar.

173
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,360
Too much acting.

174
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,600
Green Mile.

175
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,440
Got a good death by electric, and all things coming out his eyes.

176
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,240
Nightmare On Elm Street, where she gets ate by her own bed...

177
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,280
Classic!

178
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,720
Oh, they're all, like, bare old.

179
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,000
You not got any, like, modern ones or anything?

180
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,040
Come here.

181
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,480
Did you know they've made a Terminator 2?

182
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:27,600
There you go!

183
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,720
Hokey-cokey pig-in-a-pokey!

184
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:36,240
Good morning, job-seekers!

185
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,080
Ooh, God, it stinks in here, can no-one smell it?

186
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,480
Open a window for me, will you? What's your name?

187
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,880
- Mickey.
- Thank you, Mickey, love.

188
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,920
But before you do...

189
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,120
I want you all to breathe in through your noses and remember that stench.

190
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,160
Cos that is the smell of idleness.

191
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,160
It's the smell of dirty little bum cracks pumping out the gas

192
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,560
from a Kwik Save No Frills pasty.

193
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:02,920
Eaten cold at four in the morning, cos time has no meaning for you.

194
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,560
That is your smell, job-seekers...

195
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,040
and I...

196
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,480
am an aerosol.

197
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,520
You can say that again.

198
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,280
Er...I beg your pardon?

199
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,600
Did you just say something?

200
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,480
- No.
- What's your name?

201
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:17,680
- Ross.
- Ross.

202
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,760
I hope I'm not going to have any problems with you.

203
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:22,800
Am I?

204
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,400
Not as far as I'm concerned.

205
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,440
Good.

206
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,560
Come and sit up here at the front next to Mickey love,

207
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,000
where I can keep an eye on you.

208
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,280
Right, the rest of you, put your hands up if you can remember

209
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:39,920
what it was like to have to be in a certain place at a certain time.

210
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,920
Er...

211
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,440
Here...this morning?

212
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:45,920
Yes, thank you, Mr Waddy love.

213
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,280
And it gave you a sense of purpose, didn't it?

214
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,360
So that's what we're going to be looking at today -

215
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,640
motivation.

216
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:58,040
Mickey love, can you dish out the pens please, Pauline's pens?

217
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,000
And I know exactly how many there are,

218
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,480
so don't be thinking you can smuggle them out in your bottoms.

219
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,920
- Yeah! 
- Be back in a sec.

220
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:24,640
HE SIGHS

221
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,280
Sorry, Mickey, I can't do this.

222
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,280
Ross, please, just keep going.

223
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,880
- I don't think it's doing any good. 
- It is, isn't it, doctor?

224
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,200
Certainly worth a try.

225
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,800
Patients with this form of dementia do benefit from these re-creations.

226
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,440
It's called reminiscence therapy.

227
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,000
But why dredge all this up?

228
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,440
It was a horrible time for all of us.

229
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:42,480
I liked it.

230
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,720
Pauline?

231
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,480
- Pauline, are you OK?
- Mmm?

232
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,040
Are you a little bit lost?

233
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,240
Yeah.

234
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,640
You're in this room. Come on.

235
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:04,840
That's it. In you go.

236
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:07,920
Here we go.

237
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,240
Right.

238
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,960
Good morning.

239
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,120
My name is...

240
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:27,760
Pauline.

241
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,320
Pauline...Campbell-Jones.

242
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,200
Have I done this bit?

243
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,200
And we're all here today...

244
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,480
Something to do with jobs.

245
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,160
Mr Gaines, perhaps it would help

246
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,520
if you were to provoke Pauline a little.

247
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,160
Write a rude message on the board.

248
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,880
Why would I want to do that?

249
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,920
I believe the relationship between the two of you was complex.

250
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:50,960
He bummed her!

251
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,000
No, I didn't.

252
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,640
It is often the extremes of emotion that trigger the frontal cortex.

253
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:00,840
All right.

254
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,440
But I don't see how anything I could do could...

255
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:05,960
Aargh!

256
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,880
Piss off, Ross! You smug speck of dole scum!

257
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,000
She broke my jaw!

258
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,120
How's that for motivation?

259
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,240
You, monkey man! I thought I told you to dish those pens out!

260
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,720
What are you waiting for? I'm not stood here for your benefit!

261
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,120
Thanks, Ross!

262
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,880
She's back! ROSS WHIMPERS

263
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,040
MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY

264
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,920
Mummy, Mummy, where are you?

265
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,360
'Scuse me...

266
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:38,960
Get off!

267
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,000
Pulling on me!

268
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:57,520
- ON INTERCOM:
- Brian, I've got a Geoffrey Tipps for you.

269
00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:58,880
Send him round, would you?

270
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:01,720
Geoff!

271
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,280
Geoff!

272
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,080
- BRIAN CHUCKLES 
- Oh!

273
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,520
Hiya, Mr Morgan.

274
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,360
Call me Brian, for goodness' sake!

275
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,560
How are you? It's been ages.

276
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,160
Yeah, I'm all right, yeah. How are you?

277
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,920
You still having flashbacks about being stuck in that elephant?

278
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,440
No, no. That's all in the past.

279
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,800
Therapy helped.

280
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,120
How's Mike?

281
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,040
Yeah, he's all right, yeah. Bit stressed.

282
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,640
You know Cheryl's bed-bound?

283
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,800
No. I heard she got...bigger.

284
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,360
Oh, yeah. She's ridiculous now. She can't get out of the house!

285
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,280
She's like one of them American ones, you know,

286
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,960
- when they wear grey tracksuits and have to take a wall out?
- Really?

287
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,920
- Apparently, her bed's on bricks. 
- Christ. It's a slippery slope.

288
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,200
That's what she needs!

289
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,520
- Hi, Brian.
- Hey!

290
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,160
- Sorry I'm late.
- I was just telling him about the state of Cheryl.

291
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,840
- She's massive now, isn't she, Mike? 
- She is, yeah.

292
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,480
In fact I've not got long, cos she'll need turning soon, so...

293
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,720
Absolutely. You've obviously got a lot on your plate.

294
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,320
It's not HIS plate that's the problem.

295
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:54,680
Have you thought about a muzzle?

296
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,640
I understand you have an investment opportunity to share with us, Geoff.

297
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:58,800
I do, yeah. Erm...

298
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,560
- Can I use this...?
- Yeah, of course.

299
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,880
Thanks. It's boiling in here.

300
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,280
GEOFF CLEARS HIS THROAT

301
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,800
Hello, Dragons.

302
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,720
For the past few months, I've found myself

303
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,400
at the coalface of horticultural innovation.

304
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,640
He works in a garden centre.

305
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,840
Yeah, Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

306
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,920
My idea will revolutionise in-store queries,

307
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,600
and provide practical solutions to all buyers' needs.

308
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,800
Right.

309
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,640
What is it?

310
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:36,160
The Garden Centre Guru is a booth, or an upright sentry shed,

311
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,440
you know, like the one he sleeps in in Chitty Bang Bang.

312
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:42,240
And me, or one of my team, stand in it,

313
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,200
and we answer questions as they arise.

314
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,640
And what costs would the loan cover?

315
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,160
- Lawn?
- The LOAN.

316
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,200
Oh, I thought you said lawn, cos of all the gardens and that. Er...

317
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,440
the building of the shed, and...all the telephones.

318
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,480
- Telephones?
- Yeah, cos each one of the Tippsters -

319
00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,840
they'll be called Tippsters -

320
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,040
will need a mobile phone to provide all the up-to-date information.

321
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,760
What, so your idea is to stand in a box in a garden centre,

322
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,360
- like you do all week anyway... 
- Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

323
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,680
..and Google any questions the customers might ask you?

324
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,680
Well, not JUST that. Don't do it down!

325
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,600
You make it sound like that's all there is to it!

326
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:15,880
Well, what have I missed?

327
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,280
The uniforms.

328
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,160
Cos we'll all be wearing red beefeater outfits.

329
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,600
- Just thought of that now.
- Geoff...

330
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,240
And ice lollies, for the kids.

331
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,240
But then we'll need a freezer, so, freezer, extension lead...

332
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,680
Geoff, I can't.

333
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,000
We've had that many foreclosures,

334
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,480
every business plan has to be rigorously tried and tested.

335
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,680
I'm sorry.

336
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,240
I said I wouldn't do this, but I'm going to get on my knees to you.

337
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,680
- Geoff, don't.
- I'm on the bones of me arse here, Brian.

338
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,280
You know I haven't got a gun, don't you?

339
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,440
I had to sell it.

340
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,480
Sorry to hear that.

341
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,920
I eat sandwiches from the bins at the back of Hammonds.

342
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,200
It's never the good ones.

343
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,040
It's always egg mayonnaise, it's horrible.

344
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:56,000
I have to go through the proper channels - my hands are tied.

345
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:58,560
You saying you're out?

346
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,760
I'm afraid so.

347
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,440
'Scuse me.

348
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:11,840
I'll do it.

349
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,480
Eh?

350
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,280
I'll make you an offer for all the money.

351
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,560
- But I'm going to need something in return.
- Oh, here we go!

352
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,880
Gives with one hand, takes with the other. What is it?

353
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,680
I want you to kill Cheryl for me.

354
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,760
OK. When do you need it done by?

355
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,560
Oh, no, I don't like to use LGBT - it's too limiting.

356
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,120
What acronym do you prefer?

357
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,000
The acronym I prefer is ACRONYM.

358
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,760
Actively Considering Reassignment Or Not Yet Made Your Mind Up.

359
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,760
Come on, Collier, get stuck in!

360
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,280
Give it some welly!

361
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,680
HE SIGHS

362
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,440
Sorry, we've not met properly.

363
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,080
Terry Webster, head of PE.

364
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,960
Wolf Lipp, Queen of Duisburg.

365
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,880
So what brings you back to Royston Vasey?

366
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,800
Oh, I just came back to...

367
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,400
dig up some old friends.

368
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,680
WHISTLE BLOWS

369
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,480
Oh, referee!

370
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,360
He's blowing for nothing!

371
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,520
Really? For nothing?

372
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,160
Which one is she?

373
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,680
Jesus Christ!

374
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,680
And black is usually so slimming!

375
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,040
Get into him, Jonesy!

376
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,040
For God's sake! The marking's shocking.

377
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,280
Ja, marking can be a problem.

378
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,760
The trick is not to spend too much time in one area.

379
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,160
Stroke it around midfield a bit?

380
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,160
Ja, genau so.

381
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,520
Yeah, you might be right.

382
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,000
Eh, you should be doing my job!

383
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,280
Ah!

384
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,840
The experience of an older guy, that's all.

385
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,400
So what do you reckon - give Jones another 20 minutes,

386
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,520
and then pull him off?

387
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,160
All right, but, er...

388
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,880
don't tell the other teachers, or we might get in trouble!

389
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,240
Alles klar?

390
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,120
My beautiful girls. Don't they make a smashing cake?

391
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,600
It's lovely.

392
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,960
Is that marzipan?

393
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,880
THEY CHUCKLE

394
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,320
They're deep ones.

395
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,960
They read books with jaw-cracking words.

396
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,200
Say something out of one of your books for Benjamin.

397
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,280
Our father has passed. He was great, sir.

398
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,560
He had two simple rules we can state, sir.

399
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,640
A toad's a fine pet...

400
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,040
And please don't forget...

401
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,600
BOTH: In this house we don't masturbate, sir.

402
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,640
Words are wonderful tools,

403
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:34,000
The more we know, the more we are... enriched.

404
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,760
Yes. So, erm...

405
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,600
where's the funeral? Which cemetery is it at?

406
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,240
It's not in a cemetery.

407
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:43,920
Really?

408
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:47,080
At first, Harvey wanted to be cremated,

409
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,520
but he couldn't bear the idea of his reproductive

410
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:54,480
and evacuatory regions being mingled with the remains of his own face,

411
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:58,440
so he requested to be incinerated in two halves.

412
00:20:58,440 --> 00:20:59,600
I see.

413
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,480
We even prepared separate urns.

414
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,960
But we couldn't find a crematorium willing to slice him up

415
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,160
and burn him in two sittings.

416
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,200
So we came up with...

417
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,240
another plan.

418
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,240
Eat up, Benjamin.

419
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,280
Eat up.

420
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,920
Ellie Johnson, Vasey Chronicle.

421
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,160
Is it true you're knocking this building down

422
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,560
because it's right in the middle of the boundary change?

423
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:48,600
No comment.

424
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,880
DOOR CREAKS HEAVILY

425
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,400
There's been reports of unusual activity here.

426
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,400
Lights on at night...

427
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,920
Erm...graffiti on the walls in human excrement.

428
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,160
I thought you said unusual activity.

429
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,200
Can I quote you on that?

430
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,280
No.

431
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,600
THUNDER ROLLS

432
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,080
- RADIO:
- ..significant wind chill.

433
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,600
It will continue to be windy and cold, with frost forming in some...

434
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,280
Are you cooking Chapulshka, Dad?

435
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,960
- Certainly am.
- Yes!

436
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,720
Special occasion.

437
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,440
We repaired our 10,000th phone screen today.

438
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,040
Wasn't this your dad's recipe?

439
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,280
No.

440
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,240
He never made it properly.

441
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,360
This is the real thing.

442
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:55,560
Awesome!

443
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,480
You never really talk about your dad.

444
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:02,960
It's painful for your father.

445
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:06,200
His Pop was in the Merchant Navy.

446
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,120
He disappeared at sea 13 years ago...

447
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,320
..and hasn't been seen since.

448
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,360
- RADIO:
- It remains unsettled.

449
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:16,920
Well, that's the general weather,

450
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,800
and now with the shipping forecast, here's Pamela Doove.

451
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,040
- DEMENTED VOICE:
- There are warnings of gales in Viking,

452
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,720
North Utsire, South Utsire.

453
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:29,080
- And you want to wear a big coat... 
- DOORBELL RINGS

454
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,760
Who's that at this time of night?

455
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,040
If it's Jehovah's, tell them not to bother. We're beyond saving.

456
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,720
You better get this porch light fixed.

457
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:56,240
Someone could have a nasty accident.

458
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,480
THUNDER ROLLS

459
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:25,960
BELL RINGS SOFTLY

460
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:47,960
What IS this?

461
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,680
These look like...like price tags.

462
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,240
Doesn't seem like squatters.

463
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,200
CREAKING

464
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,240
Hello?

465
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,360
Yes?

466
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:08,720
Is someone there?

467
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,680
Can I help you at all?

468
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,120
Are you aware this block is due to be demolished next week?

469
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,040
No! I'm not aware. I'm a woman!

470
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,160
Anyway, you shouldn't be in here - Monday's half-day closing -

471
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,440
didn't you see the sign?

472
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:23,560
All right, Miss, keep calm, nothing to worry about.

473
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,920
This is a local shop for local people.

474
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,600
There's nothing for you here.

475
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:55,800
All is ready.

476
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,080
He will return.

477
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,160
And everything will be tidy again.

478
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,880
BOTH: For ever and ever and ever.

479
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,120
HE GROANS AND MUMBLES

480
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,440
Listen, love, it isn't safe for you to be here -

481
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,960
we've condemned this whole block.

482
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,600
What hole? I didn't block it!

483
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,360
The problem is that your flat...

484
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,000
No, I'm not!

485
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,800
I'm just washing my bra.

486
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,720
You should have been vacated weeks ago.

487
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:26,480
Have you not had a leaflet pushed through?

488
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:27,600
Oh, yes!

489
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,000
Er...

490
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,240
Do you mean like this?

491
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,200
They are called "pizzas."

492
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,360
Did you know you can eat them?

493
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,440
Yes.

494
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,880
My favourite is...

495
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,440
meat feast.

496
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:41,480
All right, look,

497
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:44,200
there's obviously been a breakdown of communications somewhere,

498
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,400
but we can sort it now. If I could just leave you this...

499
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,200
- Aargh! 
- TUBBS WHIMPERS

500
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,120
All right! It's just a document.

501
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:52,520
Docklament?

502
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:53,560
Document.

503
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,000
Ah...

504
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,400
Docklament.

505
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,200
Docklament.

506
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,440
Er... Right, I'll... I'll just leave this here...

507
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,480
Edward! Edward!

508
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,000
Hello, hello? What's going on, what's all this shouting?

509
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,480
We'll have no trouble here.

510
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,360
They tried to grab my globes!

511
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,080
Lesbians, eh?

512
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,760
Pair of clitty-cats.

513
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,760
You're thinking even now about using a broom on my wife's second hole.

514
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,160
Try to deny it.

515
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,480
No, sir, I am a representative of the council.

516
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:24,640
Local council?

517
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,080
Yes, and first of all, I must tell you that you and your wife

518
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,720
have been squatting on this property.

519
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,960
That's because the toilets are broken.

520
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:32,680
You should be doing something about that

521
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,520
rather than harassing innocent citizens.

522
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,440
Secondly, you should not be running a business

523
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,640
from residential premises.

524
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,480
She tried to block my hole!

525
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,880
You come in here with your badges and forms,

526
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:43,960
telling good local people like us

527
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,240
that we can't do this and we can't do that.

528
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:47,600
Who do you think you are?

529
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:48,760
You have no power here.

530
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,440
All right, fine.

531
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,640
- WHISPERS:
- We'll leave this one with Social Services.

532
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,760
Would you mind if I got a quick picture of the pair of you?

533
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:56,960
I work at the Chronicle.

534
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,680
Certainly. I've always wanted to feature in the local paper.

535
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,680
You heard the woman, Tubbs.

536
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:05,800
Get undressed.

537
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,080
TUBBS GASPS WITH DELIGHT