1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,800 The county are moving the boundary line to exclude Royston Vasey. 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:08,480 - BOTH: - Hello, Benjamin. - Oh, God. I'd forgotten. 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,440 I want you to kill Cheryl for me. 4 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:11,800 When do you need it done by? 5 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,800 You heard the woman, Tubbs. Get undressed. 6 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,680 This programme contains some strong language. 7 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:27,680 - APPLAUSE - And the award for Best New Play goes to... 8 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:31,880 Oliver Plimsolls for Harry Spotter And The Prisoner Of Acne Scar. 9 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,440 Thank you. Thanks. 11 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:48,200 Issue-based children's theatre has for too long been 12 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:52,080 the fat gay red-headed stepchild of the West End family. 13 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,520 Which is an issue I explored in my previous play, Moobs, Lube And Ginger Pubes. 14 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,920 Nominated for this award last year. Didn't win. Fine. Doesn't stop it being an issue. 15 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,320 Who am I going to thank? 16 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,760 Well, I'd like to thank me, 25 years ago, 17 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,120 for creating Legz Akimbo Theatre Company. 18 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,120 And I want to thank all the actors that came 19 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,360 and went along the way and used me as a stepping stone. 20 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,160 - Ollie... - You taught me that I couldn't rely on or trust anyone. 21 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:15,440 And if I wanted to be an award-winning writer, director, actor, producer... 22 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:16,600 - Ollie... - Let me speak! 23 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,640 ..then I had to do it for myself, which is what I have done. 24 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,400 - BELL RINGS - Ollie, 25 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:21,960 You've got your Year 9s, they're in the hall. 26 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:24,360 Sorry. 27 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:26,920 Thanks, Carole. 28 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,000 - FROM LOUD-HAILER: - Save Royston Vasey! 29 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,720 Our town is under threat. 30 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:42,760 Come to the council meeting at 2 o'clock this afternoon. 31 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,560 Free hot water. Tea bags can be purchased. 32 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,360 Keep Royston Vasey on the map, 33 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,400 or burn in hell for all eternity. 34 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,440 Your town needs you. I need you. 35 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:13,640 CAT MEOWS 36 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,520 CAT SCREECHES 37 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:41,040 It's time to stand up and be counted! 38 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,920 - CASUALLY: - Actually, forget it. It's only council scum round here. Drive on. 39 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,320 WHIMPERING 40 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:53,600 For many years we ran a shop much like this one, up on the moors. 41 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:57,080 Serving the needs of the local community. 42 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,680 Then people like you came along. 43 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,920 Upright pigs, teats down, six. 44 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,920 Our shop was destroyed. 45 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,040 We were driven into the wild, 46 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:11,200 walking the fields and hedgerows like beasts of burden. 47 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,320 We narrowly escaped death 48 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,880 when a locomotive train missed us by inches. 49 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:22,440 And all in the name of progress. 50 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:26,720 Well, history will not be repeated! 51 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,440 THEY WHIMPER 52 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:32,800 GRUNTING 53 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,440 EDWARD LAUGHS 54 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,120 - I want him out, Al. - I know love. - Out! 55 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,680 GRANDPOP GASPS 56 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:47,040 That is when I fought off all the Somali pirates single handed. 57 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,960 They were like savages. Troglodytes. 58 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,680 Really? 59 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,840 Somehow I managed to scramble my way to a desert island. 60 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,640 There I make a good life for myself. Like the animals in Madagascar. 61 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,480 But I miss you all very much. 62 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,840 Very much indeed. 63 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:11,800 And I understand why my boy Al tell everyone I am dead. 64 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,120 Is too much for him to have hope in his heart. 65 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,880 He always soppy. More like a girl than a boy. 66 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:21,880 - You know, he used to wear tiny little pants. - Pop. 67 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:25,080 I offer him my old long johns, underwear for a man, 68 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,920 but no, he say, "I want to wear little tiny briefs like the other boys." 69 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,520 Like little knickers. 70 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:31,920 So, how long are you staying? 71 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,560 Just a few days or months. 72 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:36,840 Until I am back on my feet. 73 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,240 And how nice it will be! 74 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,720 My son has two beautiful daughters. 75 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,560 Grandpop has been away for too long. 76 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,360 You look very well, Grandpop. 77 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,920 You'd think you'd lose weight on a desert island. 78 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,640 There was a lot of coconuts. 79 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:57,280 Cheers! 80 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,240 PHONE RINGS Hello? 81 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,840 Yeah, Geoff, it's me. 82 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,240 Who? I don't know how to put names in my phone. 83 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:12,640 Mike! 84 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,680 Are you all set up for tonight? 85 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,160 What about? 86 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,880 What we said! Cheryl! 87 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,880 Yes, I'm dealing with it, don't worry. 88 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:24,040 I'm a professional. I was in the SAS for six years. 89 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,280 What, you mean the TAs? 90 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,720 Same thing, it's all just putting green on your face, isn't it? 91 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:29,960 You will do it... 92 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,000 ..humanely, won't you? 93 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,440 Of course! 94 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,080 Now, will you let me get on with it, please? I'd appreciate a bit of trust. 95 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,640 Excuse me, would this kill a fat woman tonight? 96 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,560 How are we doing, all right? 97 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,760 Who wants to win a bit of money? 98 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,600 HE WINCES 99 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,200 Right, you all got your dabbers? 100 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,080 Eyes down for a full house. 101 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,640 BINGO MACHINE ZAPS Key of the door - 21. 102 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:16,080 ZAP Gandhi's breakfast - 80. 103 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,680 ZAP Two fat ladies - 88. 104 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,400 My friend Cream wouldn't approve of that. 105 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,800 Funny name, I know. He were a Thai lad. 106 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:28,800 He said I were... What d'ya call it? Unreconstructed. 107 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,360 Set in me ways. I said, "Of course I am! 108 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:35,000 "70-odd with an angry prostate and me waterworks shot, what do you expect?" 109 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,640 ZAP Out in the sticks - 86. 110 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,880 ZAP Duck and dive - 25! 111 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,000 Udon Thani. That's where we met. Thailand. 112 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,800 Sweltering, it were. Like Tenko. 113 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:56,880 I'd not... Never had anyone close, like. 114 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,400 Not properly. 115 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,080 ZAP Never been kissed - 26. 116 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:07,440 Had a bit of money, though, after Dad went, so I thought, "Why not?" 117 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,720 You hear about these fellas, don't you? 118 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,400 Going out to foreign climes, coming back with... 119 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,320 ZAP Dirty Gertie - number 30! 120 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:20,000 I suppose I've always known I fancied something a bit different. 121 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,560 A bit extra. 122 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,040 A bit... 123 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,200 ZAP Danny La Rue - 52. 124 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:31,240 There were a bar. Naki-Naki-Nak-Naks. 125 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,520 All coloured light bulbs, like Peasholm Park. 126 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,640 But without the miniature sea battles. 127 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,880 All these lads done up as lasses. 128 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,000 Amazing. Really quite beautiful. 129 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,280 Titties with tassels and everything. 130 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:48,600 Some of them doing things what it's not nice to talk about. 131 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:52,040 Cracking open beer bottles with their whatsits. 132 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,880 The ones that have, you know, had the op. 133 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,320 Firing ping-pong balls, some of them. 134 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,440 Reminded me of the old bingo balls, in a funny way, but... 135 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,960 ..I kept me eyes down. 136 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:11,800 And suddenly, there he is. 137 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:13,760 Cream. 138 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,680 ZAP Me and you - number 2? 139 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,520 ZAP Cup of tea - number 3. 140 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,600 I didn't think he were that bothered, 141 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,680 but when I got back to my hotel room... 142 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,480 ZAP Knock at the door - 24! 143 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,280 ..turns out he'd followed me back. Cream. 144 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,680 ZAP Legs - 11. 145 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,920 Legs... 11. 146 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,120 Next morning... 147 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:45,960 ZAP Rise and shine - 29! 148 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,560 I asked him to come back. To live with me, back here. 149 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:53,200 And he said yes. 150 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,800 And you know what, for a bit... 151 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,720 ZAP Tickety-boo - 62. 152 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,680 ZAP Man alive - number 5. 153 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,520 Then one day Cream said he wanted to go the whole hog. 154 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,760 You know, have it off - his whatsit. 155 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,880 ZAP Doctor's orders - number 9. 156 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,920 He wanted to be what he called "a proper wife" to me. 157 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,080 So, in he went. 158 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:28,320 Then he took bad. 159 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,600 I don't see why they can't keep hospitals clean. 160 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,320 Never used to be a problem. 161 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,760 My Auntie Sheila was feared like Himmler on her ward. 162 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,360 Suddenly, one afternoon... 163 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:50,040 ZAP Heaven's gate - 78. 164 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,760 On its own... 165 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:01,440 On its own... 166 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,800 ..number one. 167 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,240 ZAP 168 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,160 PUPILS CHATTER 169 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,360 OK, Year 9, settle down. 170 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,680 Now, today we are going to be looking at Commedia dell'Arte, 171 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,920 so I want everyone find a partner. 172 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,920 Sir, didn't you used to be an actor? 173 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,160 - What's that, Jamilla? - Before you were a teacher, 174 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,520 I swear you used to have a theatre company or something? 175 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:34,360 Er, yeah. Back in the mists of time, I did. 176 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,280 There were three of us - me, Dave, Phil... 177 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,640 - Phil Proctor?! - Yes, Phil Proctor off the telly. 178 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:44,560 We used to visit schools like this and meet kids like you, 179 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:48,360 and perform issue-based plays on stages like this... 180 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,040 PUPILS CHEER 181 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,720 Wh...? 182 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,840 What's going on? 183 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:57,960 Ask this lot. 184 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,280 I got a fan letter from one of your students saying 185 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,680 that their favourite teacher was about to retire, 186 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,760 could we come and do a special performance. 187 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,160 So, here we are! 188 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,960 - Go on, sir! - What? - We want to see you acting! 189 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,000 ALL CHANT: Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! 190 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,240 Come on! 191 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,320 Sod it. 192 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,360 CHEERING AND WHOOPING 193 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,240 So, what are we going to do? 194 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,440 Well, we thought we'd do one of your best, Ollie. 195 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,280 Perve Swerve - a play about stranger-danger. 196 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,480 But it's been so long, I need time to prepare. 197 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,520 I'm ready. CHEERING 198 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,000 Soon you'll be free, death will end 199 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,920 We'll pull you back through the great U-bend 200 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,720 The dead can't hoover, can't sweep a brush 201 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,240 Or refill a cistern with bright blue flush... 202 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:51,880 What...? 203 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,080 What am I doing down here. Why...? 204 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,960 Why am I so sleepy? 205 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,840 The cake you ate last night was laced with 206 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,600 an extract from the skin of this toad. 207 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,920 - SISTERS: - Bufo Alvarius. 208 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,920 It has a psychotropic effect. 209 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,040 Your consciousness must be fluid for what is to follow. 210 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,520 What do you mean? 211 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,440 Uncle Harvey! 212 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,960 I thought...he was dead. 213 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,120 A living death. 214 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,880 Preserved at the point of the soul's departure. 215 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:33,920 His every bodily fluid replaced with an embalming tincture of his own devising. 216 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,520 I can't tell you how happy he was, knowing that he was finally 217 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,320 going to be free of the curse of his own semen. 218 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,160 But why? 219 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,000 - SISTERS: - His body might have failed, but he need not. 220 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:50,800 We need only a host, Benjamin, and Harvey's soul can live on. 221 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,560 A host? 222 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,880 A willing vessel. 223 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,280 A member of the family. 224 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:57,600 An ancient ceremony. 225 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,720 The girls do love their books. 226 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,760 What...what are they doing? 227 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,480 TOAD CROAKS 228 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,480 No! 229 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,600 No! Ah! 230 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:18,960 Let us begin. 231 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,800 HE GAGS 232 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,240 HE CHOKES 233 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,560 Now, tensions are going to be running high, 234 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,920 so it's important to strike the right tone. 235 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,360 Don't teach your grandmother how to suck cocks, Murray. 236 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,880 I'm very good with big crowds. 237 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,200 On Black Friday I elbowed this lass in the throat, 238 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,080 got myself a 50-inch Samsung. 239 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,920 This town's future hangs in the balance. 240 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,200 There's nothing people care more passionately about than their own community. 241 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,120 You were saying? 242 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,280 Come on. 243 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:10,880 Map. 244 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,640 SHE GASPS IN DELIGHT 245 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,280 SHE GIGGLES 246 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:20,840 Ooh! 247 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,240 SHE GASPS What are you doing?! Come out of there! 248 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,280 If my husband sees you, I... 249 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,160 SHE SCREAMS 250 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,320 Edward, Edward! 251 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,640 I've been catched in the tephelome! 252 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,360 Let me out! 253 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,560 Look, Edward! 254 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:53,000 Quiet, Tubbs! I'm teaching the No-Tails a lesson. 255 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,440 Our business is our business. 256 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,640 We keep our noses out of other people's affairs. 257 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,680 We would invite you to extend us the same courtesy... 258 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,520 'Time to become local.' 259 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,400 Jesus. Where did you get this from? 260 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,000 'That's better!' 261 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,480 One of the hostages. Works for the Chronicle. It came from her phone. 262 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,800 'We will not be defeated by your petty meddling. 263 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,680 'This is a local shop for local people! 264 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,200 'It's time we took back control!' 265 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,800 And I'm making an executive decision. We need to get a crew down there now. 266 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,520 'What are you doing? Turn that off.' 267 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,960 CHEERING 268 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,680 SLOW RAP BEAT 269 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,360 # Hi, my name is Johnny Smith 270 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,920 # I'm just 14 And I'm strutting my stuff 271 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,800 # I like to rap I don't like school 272 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,120 # Too many teachers Too many rules. 273 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,600 - # My dad and mum say... - Stay out of the park! 274 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,200 # Especially at night When it's getting dark 275 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,760 # But I don't care Respect I lack 276 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,080 # It's light anyway Cos the clocks have gone back 277 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,880 # I'll ignore their warning Cos that's my style 278 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,240 - # I've never even heard of a... - Paedophile! # 279 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,560 QUIETLY: Step over it. Right... 280 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,600 Double maths today. Boring! What's that noise...? 281 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:22,720 'Ere, little boy. Why don't you come back to my house? 282 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:26,200 I got the latest PlayStation game all set up. 283 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,640 Cool! You got a spare joystick? 284 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,280 Yes. And you can play with it. 285 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,600 I'm not sure. Mum said not to. Oh, choices, choices. 286 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:39,400 - STILTED CHUCKLE - I feel like I'm on some sort of TV game show! 287 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,520 Hi, there! 288 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,480 Hi, there! My name's Cheesy Host, 289 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,280 and welcome to another edition of Safe Choices. 290 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,600 Johnny Smith, your time starts now. 291 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:51,920 QUIETLY: Over there. 292 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,360 Question one - do you know the man you are about to go off with? 293 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:57,400 - No. - Correct. 294 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,720 Does he have any identification, such as a current utility bill? 295 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:00,880 - No! - Correct. 296 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,480 Is he wearing nice shoes or other signs he isn't a deviant? 297 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,800 - No! - Correct. 298 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,760 And here's your big money choice. Take your time. 299 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,360 Do you want to go off with the stranger, 300 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,840 or stay safe in the studio? It's up to you. 301 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,760 I'll stay safe, innit? 302 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,680 Is the correct answer! What's he won, Susie? 303 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,160 He's won a lifetime's supply of common sense! 304 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,200 Would you like to come back to my dressing room 305 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,240 - and I'll give you an autograph. - Yes, please! 306 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,840 Stop! 307 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,600 Just because he's well dressed and plausible doesn't mean to say he isn't a dangerous predator also. 308 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,440 Come with me, son, I'll take you home. 309 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,760 Thanks, Dad. I'll try and make better choices in future. 310 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:37,840 Stop! 311 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:41,800 Didn't you know that 75% of all sexual predators are family members? 312 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,040 Oh, no! Rewind! 313 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,240 ALL MIMIC REWINDING NOISES 314 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,560 - SLOW RAP BEAT - # I won't go with the man In the dirty mac 315 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,120 Or the man in the suit With his hair slicked back 316 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,400 # Put a lock on your door So your dad can't get in 317 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,640 # Is your grandad's coming round? I wouldn't trust him 318 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,200 # If you want to stay safe And have a bright future 319 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,960 # Make friends in a chatroom On a computer. # 320 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,320 ALL: Boom! 321 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 322 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,240 CHANTING: Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! 323 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,360 God, I've missed this. 324 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,840 Why don't we get back on the road again? Reform Legz Akimbo. 325 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,920 - What do you mean? - Think about it. 326 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,240 There are so many new issues to do plays about now. 327 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,320 Exactly! And I've never stopped writing them! 328 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,920 Suck It And See - a play about revenge porn. Slit Face - a play about burqas. 329 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,720 It's all there, ready to roll out. It's what I've been waiting for! 330 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,680 - Ollie... - All these years, wasted in this dead end job. 331 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,920 - Ollie... - It's like I've finally woken up. 332 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,040 Oh, hang on. 333 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,000 This is still a dream, isn't it? 334 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,480 - DISTANT VOICE: - Ollie! 335 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,560 Oh, no. BELL RINGS 336 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,920 You've got your Year 9s. They're in the hall. 337 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:52,960 Sorry. 338 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,360 Thanks, Carole. 339 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,320 PUPILS CHATTER 340 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,800 OK, Year 9, settle down. 341 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,160 Fuck off, you sad wanker! 342 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:25,600 Great. 343 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,840 - All right, Geoff? - All right? 344 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,120 - See you down Palatine later? - Yeah, maybe. 345 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,760 Fuck's sake. 346 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:17,640 Oof! 347 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,760 HE MUTTERS: Matter with it? 348 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,440 - KNOCK AT WINDOW - Geoff! - Shit. 349 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,880 Just wondering if you want me to get you that pint in? 350 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,520 - Nah, you're all right, Eddie. - Sure? 351 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,600 - Yeah. - See you later, then. 352 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,120 See you later. 353 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,760 DOOR CREAKS 354 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,000 HE WHISPERS: WD-40 on that. 355 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,560 So, when did you get released, then, Pop? 356 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,480 I get time off for good behaviour. 357 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,960 21 years. Ridiculous! For a lousy pyramid scheme. 358 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,880 You killed a man with your bare hands. 359 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,800 Yeah - for not paying what he owed under the pyramid scheme. 360 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,640 What do you want here? 361 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,800 I need you to tell me where Richie is. 362 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,400 - No. - I know what he is doing. 363 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,360 It was 15 years ago, let it go, Pop. 364 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:09,480 He is still my son. 365 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,000 I won't do it! 366 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,040 - Good night, Grandpop. - Good night, Grandpop. 367 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:18,920 Hey, girls, I almost forgot. I got presents for the both of yous. 368 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,840 HE CHUCKLES 369 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,680 And for you, Maisie... 370 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:25,760 See? 371 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,240 Beautiful! 372 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,880 Perhaps tomorrow you would like me to take you swimming, eh? 373 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,160 Unless of course your daddy has other plans for me? 374 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:43,920 Good. 375 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,520 Come inside, it's cold. 376 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:49,200 Who wants to get some piercings done, eh? 377 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,440 - HE CHUCKLES - Grandpop will pay. 378 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,720 Are you watching your cats? 379 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,560 No, some nutters have taken hostages, apparently. 380 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:06,000 'The couple who are holding them are a local couple...' 381 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:09,560 Eh, look at them - bloody rubber-neckers. 382 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,720 Where were they this afternoon when we needed them? 383 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,880 But they're there now, Murray. 384 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,080 They're there now. 385 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,720 A gift from God. 386 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,280 Geoff? 387 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:30,240 The purple mongoose has vacated its habitat. 388 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:31,320 What? 389 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:36,160 The...hippopotamus is... 390 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,200 dead. She's dead, I've smothered her. 391 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:39,400 Oh, God. 392 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:42,920 Did she suffer? 393 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,720 Well, as much as anyone does if they're being murdered. 394 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:46,960 It wasn't murder! 395 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,600 It was a mercy killing. 396 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,640 - She had no life. - Yeah, you explained all that. 397 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,320 She won't suffer any more, and neither will you. 398 00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,320 Thank you, Geoff. And it will look like natural causes? 399 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,240 No, I left the cushion stuffed in her mouth! 400 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,240 Credit me with some sense, Mike. I'm not an idiot. 401 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:06,520 Sorry. 402 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,160 I have to say, though, she didn't seem as big as you made out. 403 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,960 What do you mean? 404 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:14,280 Well, I felt a bit bad. I mean, she was only what I'd call plump. 405 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:17,240 She could have easily got up and down them stairs if she'd wanted to. 406 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,320 What stairs, we live in a bungalow! 407 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,080 Eh? 408 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,880 Geoff, you do know we moved four years ago? 409 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,000 Yeah, you see, what's happened here is, 410 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,160 I've gone to the wrong house. 411 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,640 I sent you an e-mail! 412 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,640 Well, I can't open them, can I? I've only got Windows '95! 413 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:39,160 Geoff, what have you done? 414 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,720 You know who we sold that house to, don't you? 415 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,440 No, who? 416 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:56,400 Pauline, I'm home! 417 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,600 Pauline! 418 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:19,240 Pauline? 419 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,560 Pauline! 420 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,760 Pauline! 421 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,160 - HE WHIMPERS: - Pauline! 422 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:48,840 The citizens of Royston Vasey do care about their town, passionately. 423 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,920 And when pushed too far they will resort to extreme measures, 424 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:55,640 like that film about the girl who couldn't afford Tampax. What was it, Murray? 425 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,280 - I, Daniel Blake. - I, Daniel Blake, exactly. 426 00:26:58,280 --> 00:26:59,360 Look, Edward! 427 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,560 We oppose these boundary changes 428 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,040 and we demand action, don't we, folks? 429 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,160 ALL: Yeah! Action! 430 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:08,880 - QUIETLY: - Fucking sheep. 431 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:10,960 TUBBS: They must have heard there's a sale on. 432 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,040 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 433 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,520 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 434 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,800 This is madness. 435 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,160 Madness! 436 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,480 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 437 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,480 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 438 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,480 - We pass you to him. - We pass him to you. 439 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,120 No. 440 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,600 No! 441 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,120 HE GASPS 442 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,320 We pass him... 443 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,320 Benjamin? 444 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,120 HE GASPS 445 00:27:57,120 --> 00:28:00,720 - AS HARVEY: - In this house, we don't die.