1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:02,600 Let us begin. 2 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:06,880 Get some placards and paint and phone Rent A Mob. 3 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,920 We're not going down without a fight. 4 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,240 I need you to tell me where Richie is. 5 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:12,800 I won't do it. 6 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,640 We pass you to him, we pass him to you. 7 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,960 We pass you to him, we pass him to you. 8 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:21,320 History will not be repeated. 9 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,880 HE GROANS 10 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,120 In this house, we don't die. 11 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:34,160 There are many theories surrounding the abduction of the journalist 12 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,000 and the council worker 13 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,080 and speculation still surrounds the motive. 14 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,760 Disturbing scenes there. 15 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:41,960 And what exactly does he mean 16 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,480 when he says "We are a local shop for local people?" 17 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,840 Is he implying we're unwilling to trade with other territories...? 18 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,680 No, no, it's the exact opposite, 19 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:54,480 he's saying we've had enough of what he calls "petty meddling." 20 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,000 We own a shop, a good shop... 21 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,800 - TELEVISION: - ..a shop we should be proud of, 22 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,560 and I, for one, am sick of people trying to talk our country down... 23 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,560 Poppycock. Piping words into my mouth. 24 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,080 Now, apparently the Daily Mail want to speak to us. 25 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,560 That's just a phoner... 26 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,800 And then they want us 27 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,720 on the Andrew Marr show on Sunday morning... 28 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:14,640 No screens at the table, Tubbs. You know what I said! 29 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,800 - You're becoming addicted. - One sec, just update my Insta... 30 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:18,840 No! Give it to me. 31 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,440 We are local news for local people. 32 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,960 We are of no interest to the outside world. 33 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:35,240 The siege is entering it's second day in the town of Royston Vasey... 34 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,800 VOICES IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES 35 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,320 No comment! 36 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,920 Leave me alone! 37 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,080 Another communication from the police. 38 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,760 They're worried we're mistreating the hostages... 39 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,320 We're not mistreating you, are we? 40 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,440 I did a trumpet on my one! 41 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,680 Ooop! 42 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:53,200 I know you're very angry about this boundary change... 43 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,160 How many more times - we don't like change! 44 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,280 If we had Apple Pay we wouldn't need change! 45 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:58,520 Silence. 46 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,120 I'm sure if you told the authorities what your demands were, 47 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,880 they would be willing to do a deal. 48 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,960 Local authorities? 49 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,000 I suppose so. 50 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,600 Very well. 51 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,000 Let's talk shop. 52 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:25,960 GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS 53 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,800 Ooh! Come on, you beggar. 54 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,960 Yeah, I'll have that mix for you by lunchtime tomorrow. 55 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,240 I'll push the bass on it, get it pumping. 56 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,680 Yeah. I'll catch you later. 57 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,520 That's all done for you now, Mr Tim. 58 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,760 Hey, no worries. Call me Slim. 59 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:53,080 That's what I was known as on the Manchester Scene, back in the '90s. 60 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,920 You know anything about the music business? 61 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:01,120 No, not really. It's all about the polishing for me now. 62 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,920 Has to be. 63 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,800 Not like it used to be, of course. 64 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:09,080 I've got a million-pound recording studio in here. 65 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,080 Have you? I saw you had an en-suite, but... 66 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:14,960 No. All in here. Amazing what they can do these days. 67 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:19,320 Anyway, I'm wasting your time - you've got floors to polish. 68 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,840 No, no, no, no. It's fascinating. 69 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,880 I remember what things used to be like, 70 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:26,240 patchbays full of cables like spaghetti. 71 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:27,760 You were in a band? 72 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,240 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 73 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,080 We didn't do too bad. Pub scene, you know. 74 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:36,080 The Whip next to City Varieties. Did a bit of telly. 75 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,080 Did the pilot of Get It Together with Roy North and Olly the Owl. 76 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,720 Non-broadcast, like. 77 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,440 I played on Mississippi by Pussycat. Demo. 78 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:50,440 We had our own outfit - Creme Brulee. You might have heard of us? 79 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:54,400 - No. - No, no, I expect not. 80 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,880 So you packed it all in, then? 81 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:01,440 Yeah. I did have a go on my own, but pipe dreams, you know. 82 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,600 Well. I best get on, Mr Slim. 83 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,960 I'll leave you me card in case you want these doing again. 84 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,400 They should be all right for a few months, but they do tend to scuff... 85 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:13,920 ..over time. 86 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,520 Well, I'll bear that in mind. Good luck. 87 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,280 Les... 88 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:20,600 Oh, yeah, yeah. 89 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:43,480 TRANSLATION: Growing up in Herzoslovakia in 1970s, 90 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:44,840 times were dark. 91 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:48,720 We could only eat mice and make love to our fathers. 92 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:53,800 But there was one light in darkness - Sweet Suite by Leslie McQueen. 93 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,480 What are we fancying love? 94 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,880 Um, probably have my usual calamari. 95 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,360 I'm not that hungry, actually. 96 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:12,040 Probably just going to go for four or five starters. 97 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,760 Oh, no... 98 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,200 What? 99 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,760 Hey, Luigi! The party's here! 100 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:21,160 Ah, my favourite signora. You want to sit in the window? 101 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,360 Yeah, all right. 102 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,880 No, no, we want to be in the middle, don't we, Scott? 103 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,320 We don't get to come out very often. 104 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,160 Speaking of which, hello, Charlie! 105 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:31,480 Stella. 106 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,360 Would you like me to push the tables together so you are one group? 107 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,920 No, you're all right thanks, Luigi. 108 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,040 We're not together any more. 109 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,760 Look, why don't we get a takeaway? 110 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,320 No, it's a free country. 111 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,760 What's the point of having a toy-boy if I can't show you off? 112 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,200 Stop it! 113 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:48,880 I'm going for a fag. 114 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,240 That's what you did, isn't it, Charlie? 115 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,680 Went for a fag. 116 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,120 - Are you going to let her speak to us like that? - She's fine. 117 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,800 It's not fine. Stand up to her. Otherwise, you'll never move on. 118 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,520 Yeah, all right, Gordon. You don't have to shove it down my throat. 119 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,680 - Hah! - I'm going for a ciggy, as well. 120 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,600 Don't try and bum my boyfriend, will you? 121 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:11,280 Why not? He might enjoy it. Your last one did. 122 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,160 I don't. If anything, Gordon prefers... 123 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,760 I don't want to hear it, Charlie. 124 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:28,280 Listen, Stella, it's none of my business, 125 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,040 but the wheelchair, 126 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,080 the black eye... 127 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,120 Are you all right? 128 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,600 Luigi! Come and make me laugh like you used to. 129 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:46,920 She's deflecting, Luigi. 130 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,640 Can he not allow me to be happy, Luigi? 131 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,360 - I never stopped loving her, Luigi. - I only want to have fun, Luigi. 132 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,040 Gordon never listens to me, Luigi. 133 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,640 Scott's got a temper on him, Luigi. 134 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,840 He's put so much weight on, Luigi! 135 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,480 I've got a slow metabolism, Luigi! 136 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,720 - We're going now, Luigi. - Don't let him take me, Luigi. 137 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,400 She can have hers in a doggy-bag, Luigi. 138 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,720 I'm just a mouth to him, Luigi. 139 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,400 I pretend it's Stella, Luigi. 140 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,000 - I lie to the doctors, Luigi. - My mother died young, Luigi. 141 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,760 I'm more lonely when I'm with him, Luigi. 142 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,360 - I've confused love with food, Luigi. - I'm so frightened, Luigi! 143 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,600 - She can't make me hard, Luigi. - Help us, Luigi! 144 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,800 What do we do, Luigi? 145 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,440 How do we choose, Luigi? 146 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,920 Well... Have you looked at the Specials Board? 147 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:26,400 Oh, no, we haven't, actually! 148 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,360 Oh! You never think to do that, do you? 149 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:46,120 Excuse me, sir. We've done our homework. Would you like an apple? 150 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,120 I told you - no Swot Team. 151 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:05,760 You must be Edward? 152 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,600 That's right. 153 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,800 I'm Gareth Chapman, and I'm a trained hostage negotiator. 154 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,120 Sorry, I didn't catch your name. 155 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,760 - Right. Shall we just.. - Tubbs! 156 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,320 OK. Do you mind if I... 157 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,720 Please. 158 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,360 So, um... 159 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,720 Why don't we start with you telling me your opening position? 160 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,520 On top with my eyes closed, if it's any of your business. 161 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,960 I know you've said that the hostages aren't for sale at any price. 162 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,000 This is a shop. Nothing is for sale! 163 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,200 I appreciate that. 164 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,520 I'm not here to butter you up and then go behind your back. 165 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,000 That's his opening position. 166 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,480 Tubbs! Why don't you fix our guest a drink? 167 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,280 Use a clean glass. 168 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,080 Now, you must appreciate that I can't negotiate 169 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,600 without establishing whether Ellie and Lindsey are safe and sound. 170 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,200 He's using their names so we see them as people 171 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,040 rather than bargaining chips. 172 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:13,880 Very clever trick. All in good time. 173 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:18,480 Here. Would you like a chocolate biscuit? 174 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,200 No, I'm fine, thanks. 175 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,000 I might just let that cool down for a bit. 176 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,280 I believe you're unhappy with the shape of the county line? 177 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,880 Oh, that's Edward. He likes me to shave it all off. 178 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,520 But moving the boundary could be good for your new town. 179 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:42,000 Bring new business investment, more diversity, more customers. 180 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,720 No! 181 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:47,960 For the final time, this is a local shop for local people! 182 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,120 There's NOTHING for strangers here. 183 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,720 All right, OK. 184 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,560 I thought it might come to this. 185 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,320 Can I borrow your phone? 186 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,440 It's only got 32%! Oh, all right. 187 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,240 Yeah, this is the Tin Man. Can I speak to Dorothy? 188 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:12,720 Just do it! 189 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,760 Thank you. 190 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,400 Mr Tattsyrup... 191 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,280 I have the Prime Minister on the phone for you. 192 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,800 Yes, that's right, we make everything on site. 193 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,720 - Uh-huh. Yeah, no problem. - MESSAGE BEEPS 194 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,720 I'll have them for you by the end of the day. 195 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:07,840 - Can I help you? - I hope so, Richie. 196 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,480 I hope so. 197 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:26,160 That's right - walk this way. Slowly. Slowly. 198 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,720 Slowly. Slowly. 199 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,080 Where have I been? So dark. 200 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,320 So murky. 201 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,800 You've been a very, very long way away from us, 202 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:35,960 but now you're back. 203 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:41,720 The clouds are clearing, Valerie. The clouds are clearing. 204 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,560 But what is this mess? 205 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,760 Things have just got a little out of hand, that's all. 206 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,400 A Toilet Duck! I thought I'd banned such things from here. 207 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:58,280 This item trivialises the importance of water-closet care. 208 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,600 Who could tolerate such a jovial approach 209 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,680 to the maintenance and cleanliness of the lavatory pan? 210 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,200 I know, Harvey. 211 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,600 But it's just it's so much easier 212 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,360 than using table salt and a toothbrush. 213 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,440 A toilet is no place for a duck! 214 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,080 Harvey, please... 215 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,040 What next in this descent? 216 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:19,960 A lavatory brush? 217 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,840 The tool of Satan himself. But how do we clean the brush? 218 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,080 Put it in the sink? 219 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:25,800 But the sink is used for washing hands. 220 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,200 Nothing will ever be clean again! 221 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,760 An endless cycle of foulness and feculence. Gloves! 222 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,760 I must have gloves! 223 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,320 Grrr! Look at this mess! Abomination! 224 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,280 Oh, girls. What have we done? 225 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,320 A spoon in the knife drawer! 226 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,800 Hey, Murray, have you seen these? 227 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,560 They're selling them everywhere. 228 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,120 What's going on? 229 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,160 I thought the tide had turned, the people are on our side? 230 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,920 Someone from County Hall rang. 231 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,800 Seems the reason for this boundary change 232 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,760 is because the land's been sold for fracking. 233 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,040 Is that where they all watch each other in cars? 234 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:09,440 No, it's heavy drilling, but not the kind you mean. 235 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:10,840 Seems they didn't want to bother 236 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,840 with the rigmarole of public consultations. 237 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:16,040 Easier just to let the town disappear with a bit of paperwork. 238 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,080 What daft twat signed that? 239 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:21,920 You did. 240 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:03,760 SHE YELLS 241 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:11,040 Whatever happened to man Les McQueen? Rumours abound. 242 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,920 He shot dead by authorities for inspiring revolutionary fervour. 243 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,800 He stabbed with poisoned umbrella like Georgy Markov. 244 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,200 He grow fat and die on toilet like Elvis - 245 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,560 but public toilet in Todmorden. 246 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,360 Not like Elvis. 247 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,920 Where is Les McQueen now? 248 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,840 If he were to be found, he would be world famous, 249 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:36,640 or quite famous in Herzoslovakia - which is better than nothing. 250 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,440 Oh, Leslie McQueen. 251 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,320 Hey... 252 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,240 So you see, Les, the offer's there. 253 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,440 I know the right people. 254 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,800 Just sign on the line that is dotted. 255 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,000 It's all so overwhelming, Mr Slim Tim. 256 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,560 We could a get a top backing band together. 257 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,520 Ray Stiles from Mud - I used to know his driving instructor. 258 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,640 And then there's... 259 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:01,880 Oh, no. Yewtree. 260 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,120 Les. Les, this is all about you. 261 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,600 Forget the others, forget the band. 262 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,760 - This is Les McGann. - McQueen. 263 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,160 McQueen! The hero returns. 264 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:15,240 All your troubles taken care of. All your dreams come true. 265 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,720 You've seen the news. This town is going down the pan anyway, probably. 266 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:19,960 Oh, yeah, yeah. 267 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,520 Do you know what? 268 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,320 On reflection, I don't think so, Mr Slim. 269 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:34,920 It is a shit business. 270 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,560 The thing about polishing - 271 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:42,440 you know where you stand, on a floor. 272 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:47,760 A polished floor. It's dependable. It's not a fantasy. 273 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,000 I mean, they do get slippy, 274 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,360 and you must never put a rug on them afterwards. But... 275 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,040 It's solid. 276 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:57,960 Thanks all the same. 277 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,120 HE SIGHS 278 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,560 Well, if you're sure. 279 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:07,720 I'll see myself out. 280 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,640 On your knees, Richie. On your knees! 281 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:19,480 When I had to go away on my little holiday, 282 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,440 what was the business I entrust to you? 283 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:23,920 - Key cutting. - What's that? 284 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,160 Key cutting business. 285 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,160 That's right. Key cutting business. 286 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,960 A key cutter cuts keys. 287 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:35,360 Maybe - just maybe - he repairs shoes as well . 288 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,080 But when he starts dealing in tankards, 289 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:44,480 in trophies, in cake slices... Why not sell anything? 290 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:48,280 Why not sell big craps in boxes? 291 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:51,040 - It was just an idea. - An idea that make me bankrupt! 292 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:52,520 HE YELLS 293 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,880 Well, Pop has ideas too, you know. 294 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,840 You do me in the ass. I do YOU in the ass. 295 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,200 We're going to see how many Piri-Piri olives 296 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,800 can fit in one man's shit pipe. 297 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:14,440 Your shit pipe. 298 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:21,040 And we're not going to stop until the whole stinking jar is empty. 299 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,360 HE LAUGHS 300 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,360 Oh! 301 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,440 But you'd better leave some room up there for dessert, Richie... 302 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,760 Not... 303 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:39,080 Yes, nine Maverick bars. 304 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,160 But, Pop, they don't do Mavericks any more. 305 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,200 Is OK. 306 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,160 I brought Picnics. 307 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,080 HE LAUGHS 308 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,080 CROWD CHEERS 309 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,160 Really extraordinary scenes here, Jon. 310 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,320 We've just heard that the Prime Minister 311 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:09,040 has reversed the decision to alter the boundary lines. 312 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,320 This means that the town 313 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:13,560 of Royston Vasey has essentially been saved by this couple 314 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,040 and they're just coming out now... 315 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,560 Mr and Mrs Tattsyrup, BBC News. 316 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,440 You must be delighted with this decision? 317 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:23,000 Absolutely. This is a victory for common sense. 318 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,560 Our father raised us to stand up to the school-yard bully, 319 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,200 and that's what we've done here. 320 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,800 CROWD CHEERS 321 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:30,920 And Mrs Tattsyrup, 322 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,280 you've really managed to put Royston Vasey on the map. 323 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,440 - Map! - Yes. 324 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,560 And your actions have inspired a lot of people here, 325 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,880 so do you have a message for them? 326 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:45,680 I'd like to thank the Academy and everyone who voted for me. 327 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,480 There's the bedroom. 328 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,360 There has been some criticism over your taking of hostages 329 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,400 to get your message through to the government. 330 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,920 How would you respond to that? 331 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,440 Well, I used to be in a war... 332 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,760 Lindsey! Can you hear me? 333 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:01,480 And one thing you learn is that the end justifies the means. 334 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:07,160 You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. 335 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,000 - And what do you mean by that? - We didn't cut their faces off! 336 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:20,440 Oh, Christ... 337 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,320 Strangers are not welcome here. 338 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,840 CROWD CHEERS 339 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,440 This is a local town for local people! 340 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,880 CROWD CHEERS 341 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,720 A local country for local people! 342 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,000 CROWD CHEERS 343 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,320 And the will of local people will prevail! 344 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,720 CROWD CHEERS 345 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,320 Stop them! Don't let them get away! 346 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,320 Thank you. We must leave now. 347 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,800 Is there any way you can get me on Strictly? 348 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,160 CROWD CHANTS 349 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,280 Stop them! Stop them! 350 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,960 Guards! Stop them! 351 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,960 HE GROWLS 352 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,520 Let that be a lesson to you. 353 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:14,640 You ruin everything you touch with your high-minded dreams. 354 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,560 Your head always in the clouds. 355 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,640 A fairy who loves fairy stories. 356 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,400 - SHIVERS: - Yes, Pop. 357 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,240 I've been away, but now I'm back. 358 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,840 Back in your life forever. 359 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:34,320 You see, Pop is supreme, Pop is invincible! 360 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,200 - Pop can do anything. - SHOP BELL TINKLES 361 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:38,760 Is that right? 362 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,280 Oh, look! 363 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,880 Your Mary-queen brother has come to your rescue 364 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,840 with his little dolly wife. 365 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,280 If you're such a big man - why do you need to do this to them? 366 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,680 You're no man. You're nothing. 367 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:59,680 Nothing? A man who once ate a live cat with chips. 368 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,000 A man who once twist another man's head off 369 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,640 round the back of Halfords. 370 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,920 A man who could kill you - like that! 371 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,200 I bet you couldn't fit inside this jar. 372 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,360 What?! 373 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:18,760 You said you could do anything. Prove it. 374 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,920 I don't have to prove myself to you. 375 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,000 - So you can't? - You dare doubt? 376 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,440 If I'm going to die, I can dare anything. 377 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:27,280 And I say it's impossible. 378 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:28,600 Impossible. 379 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,080 - I don't believe you. - Take care. 380 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,680 - I never shall. - Never? 381 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,520 Nothing could make me. 382 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,040 Unless I see it with my own eyes. 383 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:42,000 Then, whore of an unbeliever, before you die, 384 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,440 you shall see that for Pop, nothing is impossible. 385 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:50,080 - You shall see and believe. - HE LAUGHS WICKEDLY 386 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:11,800 No, Richie, no! Not another thousand years... 387 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,240 I got you! I got you! 388 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:15,720 I got you! 389 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,280 I got you! I got you! 390 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,200 I got you! I got you! I got you! I got you! 391 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,920 DOOR TINKLES 392 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,960 This can't go on, girls. We must somehow get Benjamin back. 393 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,320 Break the spell. 394 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:02,200 Benjamin! Why Benjamin?! That agent of misrule. 395 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,560 That imp of the perverse. 396 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,840 This name will not be mentioned in this house! 397 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:15,080 Who let Benjamin in - this boy? 398 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,560 But now he is a man?! 399 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,960 His hands are my hands. 400 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,000 What is this? 401 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:28,600 I'm speaking to Benjamin now. Somewhere inside this. 402 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,000 You must fight it. 403 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,200 - Fight it! - Where have these hands been? 404 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,120 Even now I can feel them constricted by a sock. 405 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:39,720 A sock placed over a fist - itself placed over a male member, 406 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:44,920 excited to the point of making tummy pancakes, but into said sock. 407 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:49,000 And they are my hands! 408 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,760 Expel him, Benjamin! End this folly! 409 00:24:56,440 --> 00:25:00,160 HE YELLS 410 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:04,040 HE GASPS 411 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,880 HE RETCHES 412 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:13,400 FROG RIVETS 413 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:19,520 What just happened? 414 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:31,480 THEY YELL 415 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,640 Look Edward, we need to follow blue-dot! 416 00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:50,320 Oh, Murray, what have I done? 417 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:52,760 You've turned our town into a nameless piece of land 418 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,560 that can be drilled through like a rotten tooth. 419 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,400 I thought they were just laying some cable 420 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,920 and we'd finally be getting broadband. 421 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:01,680 I didn't know it would come to this. 422 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,240 Well, I hope they paid you well, whoever they are. 423 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,240 He didn't pay me a penny. 424 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:11,600 Why did you do it then? 425 00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:16,160 I had no choice. 426 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,240 He made me. 427 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,880 Argh! A stitch! 428 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,680 THEY GASP 429 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,560 Quickly, Tubbs, in here. 430 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,800 Do we need a pissport to go to London? 431 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:41,840 Quiet! 432 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,040 SHE YELLS 433 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,600 All clear, Tubbs. 434 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:08,560 Tubbs! 435 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:12,880 Tubbs! 436 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,520 TUBBS SQUEALS 437 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,040 Where am I? 438 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,080 Is this Swansea? 439 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,480 THEY YELL 440 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,600 Who are you? What is this place? 441 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,360 It's a wife-mine now. 442 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:56,960 HE LAUGHS WICKEDLY 443 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:07,640 Please, please, someone! 444 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,240 Sorry, mate. 445 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:26,320 Excuse me. Does this train stop at the airport? 446 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:27,840 I need to catch a flight... 447 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:29,360 to Herzlovakia. 448 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:44,840 Well... Goodbye, Benjamin, we shall miss you. 449 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:48,960 I hope you can forgive us. 450 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:53,000 Of course. But you know, Auntie Val, sometimes... 451 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:56,640 ..you can't go back. 452 00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:58,800 I know. 453 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:01,160 I know. 454 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:04,520 But you can visit. 455 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:07,560 Yes. 456 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:08,760 You can visit.