1 00:00:08,087 --> 00:00:10,123 (HEAVY BREATHING) 2 00:00:40,927 --> 00:00:43,316 (HANDBELL RINGS) 3 00:01:21,647 --> 00:01:23,842 (LIQUID GURGLES) 4 00:01:25,567 --> 00:01:27,717 Finally I can watch the boxing. 5 00:01:27,807 --> 00:01:29,286 Reverend Woodall! 6 00:01:29,367 --> 00:01:30,720 Oh, bugger! 7 00:01:37,247 --> 00:01:40,478 It's Tom Selleck. This was due three days ago. 8 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:42,444 Yeah, I'm sorry. Trouble at home. 9 00:01:42,527 --> 00:01:44,165 What's the third King carrying? 10 00:01:44,327 --> 00:01:45,840 Tweed... 11 00:01:46,887 --> 00:01:48,445 by Lentheric. 12 00:01:48,527 --> 00:01:50,597 Stella flushed the myrrh down the lav! 13 00:01:50,767 --> 00:01:52,200 Give it here. 14 00:01:53,927 --> 00:01:55,406 Ridiculous. 15 00:01:57,447 --> 00:02:01,076 Actually, Reverend, I wonder if I could ask your advice. 16 00:02:02,487 --> 00:02:04,364 You don't want to confess, do you? 17 00:02:04,527 --> 00:02:06,836 - No, nothing like that. - Good! 18 00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:11,965 I've got 6,000 Embassy in here from Bruges. Do you fancy one? 19 00:02:12,127 --> 00:02:13,480 No, thanks, Reverend. 20 00:02:13,647 --> 00:02:16,036 - Lambert and Butler? - Go on, then. 21 00:02:16,207 --> 00:02:19,802 Well, take a pew. What seems to be the trouble? 22 00:02:20,687 --> 00:02:23,155 Well, I've been having these funny dreams. 23 00:02:23,247 --> 00:02:26,045 You shouldn't be having sticky duvet at your age. 24 00:02:26,207 --> 00:02:28,516 No. They're more like anxiety dreams. 25 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:31,679 I've entered this line dancing competition on Boxing Day. 26 00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:33,086 Yes. 27 00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:36,603 Well, I've been practising really hard. 28 00:02:37,047 --> 00:02:38,765 It was our Julie's idea. 29 00:02:38,847 --> 00:02:41,680 She said, "Find a common interest that you both enjoy". 30 00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:43,405 Stella said a divorce, 31 00:02:43,487 --> 00:02:46,320 but then I saw this advert in the paper for line dancing. 32 00:02:46,487 --> 00:02:48,796 Well, I absolutely loved it, 33 00:02:48,887 --> 00:02:51,560 but I don't think Stella was quite as keen. 34 00:02:51,647 --> 00:02:57,722 (MUSIC: COUNTRY VERSION OF "ROCKING AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE") 35 00:02:59,687 --> 00:03:02,440 Apart from that, we were getting on as normal. 36 00:03:02,527 --> 00:03:05,166 Just, well... a typical family Christmas. 37 00:03:05,527 --> 00:03:07,643 Keep it still, dickhead! 38 00:03:08,047 --> 00:03:10,277 - Hurry up, Julie! - Don't shout! 39 00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,085 I can't keep it up much longer. 40 00:03:12,247 --> 00:03:14,238 That's what he said last night, Julie! 41 00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:16,079 Oh, shut up, you bastard! 42 00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:19,478 I'll have to do what I normally do and finish it off myself. 43 00:03:19,647 --> 00:03:21,319 My arm's hurting. 44 00:03:21,407 --> 00:03:23,637 I forgot. It's your wanking hand, isn't it? 45 00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:26,685 Your mum's upset because I'm going line dancing tonight. 46 00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:28,485 - He's not, Julie! - He is, Julie! 47 00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:32,355 - When's he coming home, ask him? - When he's ready, tell her. 48 00:03:32,527 --> 00:03:35,599 We always put the tree up as a family, don't we, Julie? 49 00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:38,645 We're not putting that up again. We've had it ten years. 50 00:03:38,807 --> 00:03:40,798 It's a good tree, isn't it, Julie? 51 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,845 It's all shrivelled up and the baubles have dropped off! 52 00:03:43,927 --> 00:03:47,840 - We know your personal problems. - That's it. I'm going. 53 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,080 Wait! 54 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,797 Will you please ask your dad 55 00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:58,640 if he'll come home and stuff the turkey tonight? 56 00:03:58,807 --> 00:04:00,763 It's too late for that, Julie. 57 00:04:04,247 --> 00:04:06,556 It's been in the freezer too long. 58 00:04:08,847 --> 00:04:10,678 I'll see you later, Julie. 59 00:04:12,087 --> 00:04:14,442 - Julie? - She's at college today. 60 00:04:14,607 --> 00:04:15,801 Oh, yeah. 61 00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:19,565 Well, you're right. What a horrible dream. 62 00:04:20,647 --> 00:04:23,207 No. The dream hasn't started yet. That was real. 63 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:27,361 I see. Carry on. 64 00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:31,799 # Rocking around the Christmas Tree 65 00:04:31,887 --> 00:04:34,447 # At the Christmas party hop... # 66 00:04:34,527 --> 00:04:37,724 Look at him, Donna. Thinks he's John frigging Travolta. 67 00:04:37,887 --> 00:04:40,845 - More like John Prescott! - At least he's active. 68 00:04:40,927 --> 00:04:43,760 All my husband does is watch the women's tits jig about. 69 00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:45,726 I don't. 70 00:04:45,847 --> 00:04:47,963 I never see him anymore, Donna. 71 00:04:48,127 --> 00:04:50,516 It's like these bodybuilders. He's obsessed. 72 00:04:50,607 --> 00:04:52,245 Why, has he been pumping iron? 73 00:04:52,327 --> 00:04:55,285 I don't know what it is, Donna, but it stinks. 74 00:04:56,847 --> 00:04:58,678 Hey, Stella. I'm entering that! 75 00:04:58,847 --> 00:05:01,042 Ooh, congratulations, Charlie! 76 00:05:01,207 --> 00:05:03,926 It'll be the first thing you've entered all year! 77 00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:12,918 Stella, have you thought about getting professional help? 78 00:05:13,087 --> 00:05:15,442 What, like marriage guidance? 79 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,440 We've been there that often we go to the Christmas party. 80 00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:20,518 Have you ever heard of these people? 81 00:05:22,847 --> 00:05:24,166 "Solutions"? 82 00:05:24,247 --> 00:05:26,522 They helped me and Lee when we had problems. 83 00:05:26,687 --> 00:05:28,803 You and Lee? 84 00:05:28,887 --> 00:05:32,038 He admitted he'd been unfaithful to me. We're all right now. 85 00:05:32,127 --> 00:05:34,322 Is this anything to do with hypnotism? 86 00:05:34,407 --> 00:05:37,683 Polly once volunteered on a hen night and she's not recovered. 87 00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:41,043 When she hears Neil Sedaka, she eats an onion as if it's an apple. 88 00:05:41,127 --> 00:05:44,119 Just ring them, you'll be surprised at what they can do. 89 00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:47,086 Oh, aagh! 90 00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:54,076 (STELLA) It's all very secretive, Barbara. 91 00:05:54,247 --> 00:05:56,477 - I have to wear a mask. - A mask? 92 00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:58,444 What is it, the masons? 93 00:05:58,527 --> 00:06:00,995 Well, kind of, but I think it's all women. 94 00:06:01,087 --> 00:06:03,203 See if you can get me an appointment, then. 95 00:06:03,287 --> 00:06:07,360 I tried to join the women-only gym in town, but they turned me down. 96 00:06:07,527 --> 00:06:09,404 Barbara, that's discrimination! 97 00:06:09,487 --> 00:06:12,763 Well, it was embarrassing. Me penis kept falling out. 98 00:06:12,847 --> 00:06:15,156 - Out of your leotard? - No, out of my locker. 99 00:06:15,327 --> 00:06:17,602 I keep it for old time's sake, you know. 100 00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:19,678 Well, here we go. 101 00:06:20,487 --> 00:06:23,081 That'll be four pound, please. 102 00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:25,681 Thanks, Barbara. Merry Christmas. 103 00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:28,402 Good luck! 104 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,877 Password, please. 105 00:06:36,807 --> 00:06:39,924 Prawn... toast. 106 00:06:40,007 --> 00:06:41,918 (CLICKING AND WHOOSHING) 107 00:06:54,687 --> 00:06:56,006 Hello? 108 00:06:56,087 --> 00:06:59,204 Would you kindly put on your mask? 109 00:06:59,287 --> 00:07:01,596 Oh, sorry. I've got it here. 110 00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:06,440 (EERIE CHANTING) 111 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:17,165 Come closer, please. 112 00:07:22,887 --> 00:07:24,206 Hiya. 113 00:07:26,247 --> 00:07:28,203 Erm... I've got an appointment. 114 00:07:28,367 --> 00:07:29,880 You're late. 115 00:07:29,967 --> 00:07:31,798 I know. I had to go and get this. 116 00:07:31,887 --> 00:07:35,277 The mask is inappropriate. Remove it, please. 117 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:40,722 Sorry. It was either this or Spiderman and I thought... 118 00:07:40,887 --> 00:07:42,843 - What's your problem? - Sorry? 119 00:07:42,927 --> 00:07:45,077 What is the cause of your sadness and pain? 120 00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,476 Well, it's not pain exactly, it's just... 121 00:07:47,647 --> 00:07:50,320 My husband Charlie, he's taken up this thing - 122 00:07:50,407 --> 00:07:53,080 it sounds silly to say it now - line dancing? 123 00:07:53,247 --> 00:07:55,556 - Oh, my Ron's mad on that! - Sh! 124 00:07:57,287 --> 00:07:59,596 Well, basically, I want him to stop. 125 00:08:02,127 --> 00:08:04,243 We think we can help you, Mrs Hull, 126 00:08:04,327 --> 00:08:07,876 but first you must bring us three things. 127 00:08:08,047 --> 00:08:12,165 - A lock of his hair. - A photographic likeness of his face. 128 00:08:12,327 --> 00:08:14,477 An item he uses every day. 129 00:08:14,647 --> 00:08:16,763 (SHOUTS GIBBERISH) 130 00:08:19,287 --> 00:08:22,916 That will not be necessary. Three items will suffice. 131 00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:25,282 - Hang on, let me get a pen. - Here. 132 00:08:25,447 --> 00:08:26,880 Right. Thanks. 133 00:08:26,967 --> 00:08:28,559 And I want it back. 134 00:08:29,207 --> 00:08:32,244 She has to bring her own bag, dear. We don't provide the bags. 135 00:08:32,327 --> 00:08:33,840 - No need to be rude. - I'm not. 136 00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:35,963 Bring the items to us tomorrow. 137 00:08:36,047 --> 00:08:38,083 We'll see what we can do. 138 00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:39,486 Good day. 139 00:08:51,967 --> 00:08:53,764 OK, look, two things. 140 00:08:53,847 --> 00:08:57,123 Do I have to wear a mask, because I can go back and get Spiderman? 141 00:08:57,207 --> 00:08:59,004 That will not be necessary. 142 00:08:59,087 --> 00:09:02,318 And how much is it all going to cost, because it is Christmas? 143 00:09:02,407 --> 00:09:06,446 The price cannot be made known to you until the job is completed. 144 00:09:07,207 --> 00:09:09,163 All right, but you better not swizz me. 145 00:09:10,247 --> 00:09:12,920 Or else I'll get Anne Robinson onto you. 146 00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:18,600 An item he uses every day. 147 00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:22,797 Stella, have you seen me shaver anywhere? 148 00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:26,361 Try downstairs. I used it to do my bikini line. 149 00:09:26,447 --> 00:09:28,881 Urgh! I wondered what all them grey hairs were. 150 00:09:33,367 --> 00:09:35,164 A lock of his hair. 151 00:09:35,247 --> 00:09:38,205 Where the bloody hell is it, you stupid bitch?! 152 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,801 Hey? Which room is it in? 153 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:43,726 Stella! 154 00:09:43,807 --> 00:09:46,844 This house is a frigging disgrace. 155 00:09:47,647 --> 00:09:50,207 A photographic likeness of his face. 156 00:09:54,047 --> 00:09:58,563 Whoo, here we go. A pint of Dutch courage for Charlie boy. 157 00:09:59,487 --> 00:10:01,318 Dry sherry for the good lady wife. 158 00:10:01,407 --> 00:10:03,443 And a Screaming Orgasm for our Stella. 159 00:10:03,607 --> 00:10:07,077 That'd be a first, wouldn't it? You should have seen him last night. 160 00:10:07,247 --> 00:10:10,364 It was like shoving an oyster in a parking meter. 161 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:13,439 Yeah. Parking meters are grey, aren't they, Lee? 162 00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:17,565 You're in a good mood tonight. 163 00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:21,356 Yes. Well, I've come to watch Pinky win his little competition. 164 00:10:21,527 --> 00:10:24,564 - Why d'you call him Pinky? - He's a pig and stinks of shit. 165 00:10:24,727 --> 00:10:28,242 (COMPÈRE) Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for. 166 00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:32,923 Please welcome contestant number one, Charlie Hull! 167 00:10:33,087 --> 00:10:35,078 Go on! Go on! 168 00:10:35,247 --> 00:10:36,646 Charlie! 169 00:10:37,407 --> 00:10:38,726 Break your leg. 170 00:10:40,847 --> 00:10:43,566 (LIVELY MUSIC: "TOE TAPPIN' COUNTRY MAN") 171 00:11:05,487 --> 00:11:07,443 Did you see them people I told you about? 172 00:11:07,607 --> 00:11:10,485 - How did you get on? - I think we're about to find out. 173 00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:49,198 He's doing really well. 174 00:11:50,807 --> 00:11:52,126 I know. 175 00:12:38,847 --> 00:12:40,326 Is that enough, do you think? 176 00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:47,398 - Look out. - Oh, shit! 177 00:12:58,087 --> 00:13:00,078 What's he doing, Riverdance? 178 00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:18,722 (MUSIC STOPS) 179 00:14:13,087 --> 00:14:16,796 I think you're right, Donna. That's put an end to Pinky's line dancing. 180 00:14:17,807 --> 00:14:20,275 Another Screaming Orgasm, please, Lee. 181 00:14:30,047 --> 00:14:33,835 His new obsession is aquariums. He's out now buying Black Mollies. 182 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:37,682 What about the sex? Is it still like an oyster in a parking meter? 183 00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:39,200 More of a crab stick. 184 00:14:39,927 --> 00:14:41,485 What does that make me? 185 00:14:41,567 --> 00:14:44,127 You? You're a big fat sperm whale. 186 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:49,600 I'm glad Donna never found out. She'd have killed me. 187 00:14:49,687 --> 00:14:51,803 I know. Good job you went to Solutions. 188 00:14:51,887 --> 00:14:53,764 - What? - Solutions. 189 00:14:53,847 --> 00:14:56,361 Donna told me you went. She even got me onto them. 190 00:14:56,447 --> 00:14:57,800 - Who? - Solutions. 191 00:14:57,887 --> 00:14:59,798 They haven't told me the price yet. 192 00:14:59,887 --> 00:15:03,516 I have honestly absolutely no idea what you are talking abou... 193 00:15:03,607 --> 00:15:05,086 Aagh! 194 00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:07,158 - Lee? - What's happening? 195 00:15:07,327 --> 00:15:08,646 Lee? 196 00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:13,000 - Lee? Lee! - What's happening? 197 00:15:15,007 --> 00:15:16,599 Lee! 198 00:15:18,247 --> 00:15:21,956 Oh, someone help! Lee, you're bleeding! Help! 199 00:15:25,447 --> 00:15:27,836 - Donna? - Problem solved, Stella. 200 00:15:29,127 --> 00:15:30,446 What? 201 00:15:30,527 --> 00:15:32,040 What's this? 202 00:15:32,527 --> 00:15:34,404 This is the price. 203 00:15:36,487 --> 00:15:37,840 Help! 204 00:15:37,927 --> 00:15:39,246 Help! 205 00:15:39,327 --> 00:15:42,160 She's murdered me husband! Help! 206 00:15:46,047 --> 00:15:48,197 Please, somebody, help! 207 00:15:48,287 --> 00:15:49,720 Help! 208 00:15:49,807 --> 00:15:51,684 Aaaagh! 209 00:15:51,767 --> 00:15:54,076 What are you doing? 210 00:15:54,927 --> 00:15:56,280 What are you doing? 211 00:15:56,447 --> 00:16:01,043 And it's just the same bloody dream, night after night. 212 00:16:03,927 --> 00:16:05,246 Reverend? 213 00:16:05,407 --> 00:16:07,523 Reverend, are you all right? 214 00:16:08,327 --> 00:16:12,764 Yes. If you look at this snowflake, you can see a little dog's face... 215 00:16:12,927 --> 00:16:15,157 Yeah, but what about my dream? 216 00:16:15,327 --> 00:16:17,124 Oh, that. 217 00:16:17,487 --> 00:16:20,923 Well, let me ask you two questions. 218 00:16:21,007 --> 00:16:24,556 Charlie, in your heart of hearts... 219 00:16:25,607 --> 00:16:27,199 do you love your wife? 220 00:16:29,287 --> 00:16:30,720 No. 221 00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:34,125 OK. Second... 222 00:16:34,207 --> 00:16:38,166 Have you been eating any cheese-based meals recently? 223 00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:39,919 Couple or three pizzas. 224 00:16:40,007 --> 00:16:43,443 I think you'll find the whole thing is nothing but a cheese dream. 225 00:16:43,527 --> 00:16:45,040 - Eh? - A cheese dream. 226 00:16:45,127 --> 00:16:47,322 A dream brought about by eating cheese. 227 00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:49,637 You don't understand. I feel so alone. 228 00:16:49,727 --> 00:16:52,560 I've been on my own since I was an eight-year-old bairn! 229 00:16:52,727 --> 00:16:54,957 Mummy! Mummy! 230 00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,276 There was a Christmas to remember. 231 00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:01,244 Now, come on, you, get out! 232 00:17:02,607 --> 00:17:05,167 - Stop wasting my time! - But I can't...! 233 00:17:05,327 --> 00:17:08,683 Piss off home, Kenny Rogers, and practise your Dorothy clicks. 234 00:17:08,847 --> 00:17:11,600 - Please, it's Christmas Eve. - Go on, off you go! 235 00:17:23,127 --> 00:17:24,799 (KNOCKING) 236 00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:26,240 Now what? 237 00:17:26,327 --> 00:17:29,000 - We're shut! - But it's Christmas! 238 00:17:29,087 --> 00:17:30,998 Oh, bloody Christmas. 239 00:17:31,087 --> 00:17:33,840 Sicking up brandy butter and chipolatas. 240 00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:36,600 - What? - Are you the priest here? 241 00:17:36,687 --> 00:17:39,599 No, I'm the fucking gardener! What do you think? 242 00:17:39,687 --> 00:17:42,884 I'm seeking absolution. Can you give it to me, preacher? 243 00:17:44,127 --> 00:17:45,446 How pretty. 244 00:17:45,527 --> 00:17:47,165 It's nothing to do with me. 245 00:17:47,247 --> 00:17:50,045 They get the (BLEEP) From Stanhope Park to put it up. 246 00:17:50,127 --> 00:17:53,324 I thought such things were pretty once. 247 00:17:53,407 --> 00:17:55,921 I thought Christmas meant something. 248 00:17:56,007 --> 00:17:58,316 Goodwill to all men and all that. 249 00:17:59,327 --> 00:18:02,364 But if you'd seen what I've seen, Reverend, 250 00:18:02,447 --> 00:18:04,836 you'd tear down those trinkets 251 00:18:04,927 --> 00:18:07,316 and grind them beneath your feet! 252 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,406 Oh, aye. 253 00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:11,486 It was a long time ago. 254 00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:13,000 I was young then. 255 00:18:13,087 --> 00:18:16,841 I knew nothing of the world and all its rottenness. 256 00:18:17,607 --> 00:18:21,361 (CHOIRBOY SINGS) # Stille Nacht 257 00:18:22,647 --> 00:18:25,923 # Heilige Nacht 258 00:18:26,607 --> 00:18:30,236 # Alles schläft 259 00:18:30,887 --> 00:18:34,084 # Einsam wacht 260 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:38,763 # Nur das traute 261 00:18:38,847 --> 00:18:43,284 # Hochheilige Paar 262 00:18:43,927 --> 00:18:45,883 (WRONG NOTE ON ORGAN) 263 00:18:46,687 --> 00:18:52,045 # Holder Knab' im lockigen Haar 264 00:18:52,807 --> 00:18:59,679 # Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh... # 265 00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:06,083 #... In himmlischer... # 266 00:19:09,847 --> 00:19:11,166 Herr Lipp? 267 00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:13,525 Ja, das stimmt. 268 00:19:13,607 --> 00:19:17,395 Ah, you must be the boy from England, nein? 269 00:19:17,487 --> 00:19:20,081 - Matthew Parker. - Matthew, genau so. 270 00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:21,964 Here, let me hold your sack. 271 00:19:22,727 --> 00:19:24,957 Oh, you are so kalt. 272 00:19:25,127 --> 00:19:27,004 You have goosesteps all over. 273 00:19:28,607 --> 00:19:30,279 Komm, meet your boyfriends. 274 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:34,124 Everybody, this is Matthew Parker. 275 00:19:34,287 --> 00:19:37,040 - Matthew Parker, this is everybody. - Hi. 276 00:19:37,127 --> 00:19:40,961 Matthew is going to sing some traditional English Christmas karens 277 00:19:41,127 --> 00:19:42,924 in our concertina. Nicht wahr? 278 00:19:43,087 --> 00:19:44,805 O Come All Ye Faithful. 279 00:19:44,887 --> 00:19:48,163 Genaua so. Come In My... Face Full. 280 00:19:48,327 --> 00:19:50,716 That sounds like a real good treat, hmm! 281 00:19:50,807 --> 00:19:53,844 OK, boys. Die Probe ist jetzt fertig. 282 00:19:54,007 --> 00:19:56,043 Könnt euch umsehen. 283 00:19:56,207 --> 00:19:58,846 Aber leise bitte, leise! 284 00:20:01,087 --> 00:20:02,486 Boys. 285 00:20:02,967 --> 00:20:06,596 Some of the older ones can be quite a mouthful. 286 00:20:07,007 --> 00:20:08,884 Come, let me show you about. 287 00:20:09,327 --> 00:20:11,238 As you may know, Matthew, 288 00:20:11,327 --> 00:20:13,966 the Duisburg Boys Choir is really quite famous 289 00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:17,323 as all of the boys are awfuls, like yourself. 290 00:20:17,407 --> 00:20:18,726 Awful? 291 00:20:18,807 --> 00:20:22,436 Nein. Sie sind Waisen. They have no Mutti und no Vater. 292 00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:24,798 - Orphans. - Orphans, ja. 293 00:20:24,887 --> 00:20:26,286 Also orphans. 294 00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:28,676 I can be so-pathetic to you 295 00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:30,837 because I also have no Vater. 296 00:20:30,927 --> 00:20:33,122 I understand that when you are Vaterless 297 00:20:33,207 --> 00:20:35,846 you allow things to bubble up inside you. 298 00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:41,606 In so fact, I think some of the boys look upon me as a Vater. 299 00:20:41,687 --> 00:20:43,086 - Really? - Ja. 300 00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:45,761 I was very lucky. I had a good Vater. 301 00:20:45,847 --> 00:20:47,678 A really strong Vater. 302 00:20:48,487 --> 00:20:50,125 He was a quiet Vater, 303 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:52,880 but his effects on me were devastating. 304 00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:55,286 What? 305 00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:57,562 My Vater makes you laugh? 306 00:20:58,327 --> 00:21:01,524 Vater. The sins of the Vater are also in the son. 307 00:21:01,607 --> 00:21:02,926 Wolf! 308 00:21:03,007 --> 00:21:04,884 Es macht Spaß. 309 00:21:05,967 --> 00:21:07,286 Ah. 310 00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,404 Matthew, this is Lotte. She is my wife. 311 00:21:10,727 --> 00:21:12,046 Ha! 312 00:21:12,127 --> 00:21:13,685 Aber nicht ins Bett. 313 00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:17,686 What did she say? 314 00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:19,917 Um... that you are welcome. 315 00:21:20,007 --> 00:21:21,326 Come. 316 00:21:26,287 --> 00:21:28,482 Here we are. Home sweet home. 317 00:21:28,567 --> 00:21:32,879 Now, Matthew, tomorrow, Lotte will finger your hymn on the organ, 318 00:21:32,967 --> 00:21:35,527 but I wish to conduct you myself. 319 00:21:37,887 --> 00:21:40,685 If you'd like to follow me up the stairs, Matthew. 320 00:21:42,007 --> 00:21:45,158 We have gifted you your own room, naturlich. 321 00:21:49,407 --> 00:21:52,160 I hope you will find everything to your comfort. 322 00:22:01,327 --> 00:22:04,205 Lotte always wished for kinder of her own, 323 00:22:04,287 --> 00:22:07,006 but, alas, we were not blessed. 324 00:22:07,087 --> 00:22:11,558 I say to her that she should just take pleasure from the boys as I do, 325 00:22:11,647 --> 00:22:14,639 but she doesn't see things that way. 326 00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:18,118 Oh, well, it um... 327 00:22:18,207 --> 00:22:19,560 It's very cosy. 328 00:22:19,647 --> 00:22:21,046 Danke schön. 329 00:22:21,127 --> 00:22:24,164 Now, then, there is a blue towel in the bathroom 330 00:22:24,247 --> 00:22:26,363 for you to wipe yourself. 331 00:22:26,447 --> 00:22:28,438 As you know, tomorrow is Christmastag. 332 00:22:28,527 --> 00:22:30,597 We will meet in the morning for worship 333 00:22:30,687 --> 00:22:34,202 and you can spend the afternoon creaming off with the other boys. 334 00:22:34,287 --> 00:22:35,800 Alles klar? 335 00:22:35,887 --> 00:22:37,923 Oh, yes, that sounds great. 336 00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:39,326 Alles klar. 337 00:22:39,407 --> 00:22:40,965 Well, sleep tight. 338 00:22:41,047 --> 00:22:43,686 Don't let the bugger bite you. Tschüss! 339 00:22:47,247 --> 00:22:48,566 Weird. 340 00:23:52,687 --> 00:23:54,200 Matthew? 341 00:24:04,727 --> 00:24:06,718 (EERIE NEIGHING) 342 00:24:16,647 --> 00:24:18,797 This is for you, Matthew. 343 00:24:53,647 --> 00:24:55,444 I'm sorry about that, Matthew. 344 00:24:58,167 --> 00:24:59,646 Frühstück. 345 00:25:01,807 --> 00:25:03,559 Danke schön. 346 00:25:04,847 --> 00:25:07,407 Du hast zwanzig Minuten. 347 00:25:09,767 --> 00:25:11,485 Zwanzig Minuten? 348 00:25:14,087 --> 00:25:15,998 Merry Christmas to you too. 349 00:25:20,887 --> 00:25:24,516 (HALF-HEARTEDLY) # O come all ye faithful 350 00:25:24,607 --> 00:25:28,202 # Joyful and triumphant 351 00:25:28,287 --> 00:25:31,916 # O come ye, O come ye 352 00:25:32,007 --> 00:25:35,079 # To Bethlehem... # 353 00:25:35,247 --> 00:25:40,082 - Louder, Matthew. - # Come and behold him 354 00:25:40,167 --> 00:25:43,716 # Born the king of angels 355 00:25:43,807 --> 00:25:47,356 # O come let us adore him 356 00:25:47,567 --> 00:25:49,319 (LAUGHTER) 357 00:25:49,487 --> 00:25:51,398 # O come let us adore him 358 00:25:51,487 --> 00:25:55,639 # O come let us adore him 359 00:25:55,807 --> 00:25:59,561 # Christ the Lord. # 360 00:26:04,487 --> 00:26:08,446 Andreas! Ah, I'm going to get you! 361 00:26:08,527 --> 00:26:10,085 I'm going to get you! 362 00:26:13,087 --> 00:26:16,602 Oh, Klaus, fröhliche Weihnachten! 363 00:26:16,767 --> 00:26:18,883 Ah, what do we have in here? 364 00:26:18,967 --> 00:26:22,039 Oh, schön, some earrings. Just my colour, ja? 365 00:27:15,527 --> 00:27:16,846 Frau Lipp? 366 00:27:16,927 --> 00:27:18,565 Can I ask you a question? 367 00:27:21,127 --> 00:27:23,038 You know your husband... 368 00:27:23,207 --> 00:27:25,004 Obviously you know your husband. 369 00:27:25,087 --> 00:27:28,124 Um... I was wondering... Is he a vampire? 370 00:27:30,807 --> 00:27:32,320 Es tut mir leid. 371 00:27:32,407 --> 00:27:34,045 Ich spreche kein Englisch. 372 00:27:34,207 --> 00:27:36,004 It's just he's bitten me once, 373 00:27:36,087 --> 00:27:38,681 and I think those boys in there might be in danger. 374 00:27:38,767 --> 00:27:41,076 - You know, blood? Fangs? - You're welcome. 375 00:27:42,767 --> 00:27:44,883 So you do understand me. 376 00:27:47,167 --> 00:27:50,557 Leave Duisburg. 377 00:27:51,167 --> 00:27:52,805 Tonight. 378 00:27:54,047 --> 00:27:55,878 So I'm right, then. He is one. 379 00:27:57,327 --> 00:28:00,524 Ich spreche kein Englisch. Es tut mir leid. 380 00:28:05,127 --> 00:28:07,925 (SHE WEEPS) 381 00:28:25,047 --> 00:28:28,722 (HERR LIPP) Guten Abend, Klaus. Guten Abend, Andreas. 382 00:28:28,807 --> 00:28:32,163 Schlaf gut. Don't let the bugger bite you. 383 00:28:32,247 --> 00:28:33,566 Tschüss. 384 00:28:37,607 --> 00:28:39,325 (KNOCKING) 385 00:28:42,327 --> 00:28:43,885 Who is it? 386 00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:49,201 Oh, good, you are still erect. 387 00:28:53,287 --> 00:28:55,357 I was petrified you would be asleep. 388 00:28:56,087 --> 00:28:59,284 I thought I would just creep in and give this to you. 389 00:28:59,367 --> 00:29:01,278 It is your Christmas present. 390 00:29:02,527 --> 00:29:03,846 Thank you. 391 00:29:05,127 --> 00:29:07,482 The paper is a little lousy, 392 00:29:07,567 --> 00:29:10,877 but I hope you understand that sometimes the inside of something 393 00:29:10,967 --> 00:29:13,800 can be beautiful, even if the package isn't... 394 00:29:14,807 --> 00:29:17,196 Well... isn't. 395 00:29:18,407 --> 00:29:20,841 Oh, great. Thanks. 396 00:29:20,927 --> 00:29:23,202 Well, it's perfume. Perfume's perfume. 397 00:29:27,007 --> 00:29:28,520 It's kalt. 398 00:29:29,687 --> 00:29:33,805 Oh! I have squished your mouthbrush. 399 00:29:34,287 --> 00:29:37,040 You must forgive me. I'm a little whoopsie. 400 00:29:37,927 --> 00:29:41,078 I don't know what you can be doing with this in your bed. 401 00:29:43,447 --> 00:29:45,199 I like you, Matthew. 402 00:29:46,047 --> 00:29:48,800 You are so much nicer than the other queer boys. 403 00:29:48,887 --> 00:29:50,206 Sorry? 404 00:29:50,287 --> 00:29:52,198 The other boys who sing in the queer. 405 00:29:52,287 --> 00:29:54,084 - Oh, them. - Ja. 406 00:29:54,967 --> 00:29:57,435 You have something special. 407 00:29:58,327 --> 00:30:00,124 Do you have any German in you? 408 00:30:00,207 --> 00:30:02,004 - No. - Do you want some? 409 00:30:06,647 --> 00:30:08,956 Oh, Matthew! I think one of us has made a trump. 410 00:30:09,047 --> 00:30:12,244 Here, let us cover the stink with some after-shame. 411 00:30:13,087 --> 00:30:14,440 Some for me. 412 00:30:16,767 --> 00:30:18,758 And some for du. 413 00:30:20,807 --> 00:30:23,605 No! Get away from me! 414 00:30:29,167 --> 00:30:30,998 I know what you are! 415 00:30:32,847 --> 00:30:34,166 Get out. 416 00:30:49,487 --> 00:30:53,036 The absence of love is the most abject pain. 417 00:30:54,047 --> 00:30:55,446 Leave me alone. 418 00:30:58,447 --> 00:31:00,199 I will try. 419 00:31:07,407 --> 00:31:10,240 (HERR LIPP) I don't think Matthew will be joining us. 420 00:31:10,407 --> 00:31:13,285 I think perhaps he had too much to drink yesterday. 421 00:31:13,367 --> 00:31:15,927 Hmm? No. I don't drink... 422 00:31:16,007 --> 00:31:17,326 wine. 423 00:31:17,967 --> 00:31:19,446 Frau Lipp! 424 00:31:20,327 --> 00:31:21,806 Help! 425 00:31:53,927 --> 00:31:56,725 # O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum... # 426 00:32:02,287 --> 00:32:03,686 Herr Lipp! 427 00:32:05,887 --> 00:32:07,923 Carry on, boys. Carry on. 428 00:32:08,007 --> 00:32:11,158 Matthew, are you all right? Your colour is very hectic. 429 00:32:11,327 --> 00:32:13,079 Stay back! 430 00:32:13,487 --> 00:32:15,159 You have splashed all over me. 431 00:32:15,327 --> 00:32:16,919 I know what you are. 432 00:32:17,007 --> 00:32:19,316 I know what you're doing, but I won't let you! 433 00:32:19,407 --> 00:32:21,238 I don't want to become one of you! 434 00:32:21,327 --> 00:32:24,399 Please, Matthew, not in front of the boys. 435 00:32:24,567 --> 00:32:26,523 Look what you did to me! 436 00:32:26,607 --> 00:32:29,644 No. I would never suck on a first date. 437 00:32:29,727 --> 00:32:31,558 You're a vampire! 438 00:32:32,327 --> 00:32:34,204 - What? - You're a vampire! 439 00:32:34,367 --> 00:32:36,801 And I'm going to prove it to everyone! 440 00:33:00,607 --> 00:33:02,837 Lotte, was passiert? 441 00:33:03,007 --> 00:33:05,919 You could never give me boys, Wolf, 442 00:33:06,087 --> 00:33:08,282 so I had to provide my own. 443 00:33:10,327 --> 00:33:13,000 - Nein! - OK, boys. 444 00:33:13,087 --> 00:33:15,157 This is no longer a rehearsal. 445 00:33:16,047 --> 00:33:17,799 Enjoy this performance, Wolf. 446 00:33:19,087 --> 00:33:21,362 It will be your last. 447 00:33:27,647 --> 00:33:28,966 I'm so sorry. 448 00:33:29,127 --> 00:33:30,879 Go, Matthew! Save yourself! 449 00:33:35,767 --> 00:33:37,758 I was going to stick this into you! 450 00:33:37,927 --> 00:33:39,963 - Oh! - I thought you were a vampire. 451 00:33:40,127 --> 00:33:41,799 No, Matthew. 452 00:33:42,527 --> 00:33:44,245 I am just a queen. 453 00:33:50,047 --> 00:33:51,480 Aaagh! 454 00:33:51,567 --> 00:33:53,478 (MOANING) 455 00:33:55,727 --> 00:33:57,638 - Is that it? - What? 456 00:33:57,807 --> 00:34:01,595 You think you're the only person that's ever had a shit Christmas? 457 00:34:03,327 --> 00:34:05,318 You've no idea. 458 00:34:06,407 --> 00:34:08,238 Aaagh! 459 00:34:10,607 --> 00:34:13,644 Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! 460 00:34:14,407 --> 00:34:16,637 I lost my mother at Christmas. 461 00:34:16,727 --> 00:34:20,117 Now, if you don't mind, I'd quite like to be alone. 462 00:34:20,207 --> 00:34:23,961 Thank you, Vicar, you've been most kind. I'll show myself out. 463 00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:32,001 Mummy! Mummy! 464 00:34:48,447 --> 00:34:49,766 Aagh! 465 00:34:51,407 --> 00:34:55,002 Now, come on, Bernice, you're not a kiddy now. 466 00:34:55,087 --> 00:34:56,839 (KNOCKING) 467 00:34:59,807 --> 00:35:01,160 Good evening. 468 00:35:01,247 --> 00:35:04,557 I wonder if I could trouble you for some hot water and towels? 469 00:35:04,647 --> 00:35:06,399 Mr Chinnery? 470 00:35:07,367 --> 00:35:09,437 What happened to you? 471 00:35:11,327 --> 00:35:13,283 Mrs Godley's canary. 472 00:35:13,367 --> 00:35:15,164 An ulcerated supercilium. 473 00:35:15,247 --> 00:35:17,283 It should have been so simple. 474 00:35:19,087 --> 00:35:21,476 Oh, what's the matter, my son? 475 00:35:21,567 --> 00:35:24,240 I must tell someone or I'll go mad. 476 00:35:24,767 --> 00:35:28,043 Oh, God, it's getting like bloody Jackanory in here. 477 00:35:28,127 --> 00:35:29,526 Carry on. 478 00:35:29,607 --> 00:35:30,960 Tell me, Reverend... 479 00:35:31,047 --> 00:35:33,277 do you believe a man can be cursed? 480 00:35:34,687 --> 00:35:36,405 Have you met Barbara? 481 00:35:37,407 --> 00:35:38,806 Yes. 482 00:35:38,887 --> 00:35:41,685 You know, there was a time when the name of Chinnery 483 00:35:41,767 --> 00:35:44,964 was synonymous with excellence in veterinary practice. 484 00:35:45,807 --> 00:35:48,605 In fact, they said that my great-grandfather 485 00:35:48,687 --> 00:35:50,837 was the foremost in his field. 486 00:36:21,327 --> 00:36:22,760 (SNAP) 487 00:36:23,727 --> 00:36:25,046 Sorry. 488 00:36:39,967 --> 00:36:42,003 Come on, little fellow. 489 00:36:44,047 --> 00:36:46,083 (ALL) Aaah! 490 00:36:47,527 --> 00:36:49,085 There we are, Mrs Trevithick. 491 00:36:49,247 --> 00:36:52,125 It was touch and go, but I think he'll pull through. 492 00:36:52,207 --> 00:36:55,563 God bless you, Vet'nary. Everything they say of you is true. 493 00:36:55,727 --> 00:36:58,878 - You've got a rare gift. - I do my best. 494 00:36:59,047 --> 00:37:03,199 A modern Saint Francis. Isn't that right, Gladstone? 495 00:37:03,287 --> 00:37:05,437 (LAUGHTER) 496 00:37:05,527 --> 00:37:10,282 Three cheers for Mr Chinnery, Prince of Vets. Hip, hip... 497 00:37:10,447 --> 00:37:12,039 Huzzah! 498 00:37:12,127 --> 00:37:14,357 - Hip, hip... - Huzzah! 499 00:37:14,447 --> 00:37:16,677 - Hip, hip... - Huzzah! 500 00:37:31,967 --> 00:37:34,527 Report to my rooms at six o'clock. 501 00:37:34,607 --> 00:37:36,518 - Dr Majolica... - Six o'clock, sir! 502 00:37:37,327 --> 00:37:38,680 And don't be late. 503 00:37:57,207 --> 00:37:58,845 Yes, sir? 504 00:37:58,927 --> 00:38:01,521 I've an appointment with Dr Majolica. 505 00:38:05,607 --> 00:38:07,484 This way, sir. 506 00:38:13,127 --> 00:38:16,517 Dr Majolica will be with you presently, sir. 507 00:38:17,687 --> 00:38:19,006 Thank you. 508 00:38:23,127 --> 00:38:24,958 A Mr Chinnery to see you, sir. 509 00:38:25,047 --> 00:38:26,366 Mmmm? 510 00:38:27,127 --> 00:38:28,446 Oh, yes. 511 00:38:28,527 --> 00:38:31,325 Will that be all, sir? It is my evening off. 512 00:38:31,407 --> 00:38:35,082 Absolutely. Run along, Ashdown. Fancy dress ball, is it? 513 00:38:35,167 --> 00:38:36,680 No, sir. 514 00:38:42,007 --> 00:38:43,998 Sit down as usual. 515 00:38:47,287 --> 00:38:49,357 I'm glad I've had this opportunity... 516 00:38:49,447 --> 00:38:51,563 The fact is it won't do, Chinnery! 517 00:38:51,727 --> 00:38:53,638 It won't do at all. 518 00:38:53,847 --> 00:38:55,166 I don't follow you. 519 00:38:55,327 --> 00:38:58,683 Wasting your time on the mangy mongrels of the hoi polloi. 520 00:38:58,847 --> 00:39:00,838 I wouldn't describe them as such. 521 00:39:00,927 --> 00:39:02,645 Hmm, wouldn't you? 522 00:39:03,487 --> 00:39:06,638 A position has come up in a good solid practice - 523 00:39:06,727 --> 00:39:08,399 Purblind, Boothby and Canker. 524 00:39:08,487 --> 00:39:10,762 But I was intending to set up practice myself. 525 00:39:10,847 --> 00:39:14,044 I have acquaintance with the partners and I'll put in a word. 526 00:39:14,127 --> 00:39:17,164 - Well, I... - Splendid. You'll leave tomorrow. 527 00:39:19,247 --> 00:39:22,045 I was hoping to spend Christmas with my family. 528 00:39:24,047 --> 00:39:25,844 I hardly need say, Chinnery, 529 00:39:25,927 --> 00:39:29,840 that we at the university would take a very dim view of any refusal. 530 00:39:31,807 --> 00:39:34,719 Not to mention the matter of your fellowship. 531 00:39:39,367 --> 00:39:40,686 Hmm. 532 00:39:41,127 --> 00:39:42,958 Where is this practice, sir? 533 00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:44,844 It's in the north country. 534 00:39:45,767 --> 00:39:49,680 A little place called Royston Vasey. 535 00:39:51,767 --> 00:39:53,962 (CHILDREN CHEER) 536 00:40:45,927 --> 00:40:47,565 Aaagh! 537 00:40:49,087 --> 00:40:50,600 (RATTLING) 538 00:40:54,207 --> 00:40:56,596 Get out of it, you workshy little urchin! 539 00:40:56,687 --> 00:40:58,200 I'm sick of the sight of you! 540 00:40:58,287 --> 00:41:01,245 What have I told you about crutches on that treadmill? 541 00:41:01,407 --> 00:41:03,443 I cannot help it. I am but a poor cripple... 542 00:41:03,607 --> 00:41:05,245 I'll bloody cripple you! 543 00:41:05,407 --> 00:41:10,401 Madam! What are you doing treating this poor boy in such a fashion? 544 00:41:10,487 --> 00:41:11,886 Think of the season! 545 00:41:12,047 --> 00:41:13,878 Fine. He's yours. 546 00:41:14,047 --> 00:41:15,560 And give me that quill back. 547 00:41:17,687 --> 00:41:19,245 Come, little fellow. 548 00:41:19,327 --> 00:41:21,158 I shall carry you upon my shoulder 549 00:41:21,247 --> 00:41:23,841 as St Christopher carried the Christ child. 550 00:41:29,047 --> 00:41:30,366 Cab! 551 00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:32,960 (BARBARA) Aye, hop in. 552 00:41:36,247 --> 00:41:37,646 Where to, guv? 553 00:41:37,727 --> 00:41:40,799 The veterinary surgery, please, and don't spare the horses. 554 00:41:40,967 --> 00:41:42,286 Righto. 555 00:41:42,367 --> 00:41:45,757 - Are you a doctor, sir? - In a manner of speaking. 556 00:41:45,847 --> 00:41:48,884 Thing is, I'm a martyr to my monthlies. 557 00:41:49,567 --> 00:41:50,886 Beg your pardon? 558 00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:54,323 Me issue's so heavy, it's soaking me bustle. 559 00:41:54,407 --> 00:41:57,285 I disrobed last night, it was like the frigging Crimea. 560 00:41:57,367 --> 00:41:58,800 Yes. Thank you. 561 00:42:01,927 --> 00:42:04,839 Mr Boothby will be with you presently, sir. 562 00:42:04,927 --> 00:42:06,326 Thank you. 563 00:42:08,927 --> 00:42:12,522 - If I may make so bold, sir? - Yes, what is it? 564 00:42:12,607 --> 00:42:14,120 Watch out for your feet, sir. 565 00:42:15,767 --> 00:42:19,203 He doesn't give them a moment's thought. 566 00:42:19,967 --> 00:42:21,480 Oh, dear. 567 00:42:23,247 --> 00:42:25,397 What a life. 568 00:42:29,567 --> 00:42:31,922 (BICYCLE BELL) 569 00:42:32,487 --> 00:42:34,364 Chinnery! Heard a lot about you. 570 00:42:34,527 --> 00:42:37,758 - Mr Boothby? - That's me. Have you eaten? 571 00:42:37,927 --> 00:42:40,521 - I got something earlier. - I could get something. 572 00:42:40,607 --> 00:42:42,916 - Don't go to any trouble. - Good journey? 573 00:42:43,087 --> 00:42:45,282 - Passable. Rather long. - Quicker to cycle. 574 00:42:45,367 --> 00:42:48,040 Mark me, Chinnery, in 20 years' time, 575 00:42:48,127 --> 00:42:52,245 the bicycle will be the principal method of transport between cities. 576 00:42:52,407 --> 00:42:56,764 Gigantic velocipedes will transport ten people at a time! Think of it! 577 00:42:56,927 --> 00:42:59,680 - But the locomotive already... - Nonsense! 578 00:42:59,847 --> 00:43:01,758 - But the railway system... - La la! 579 00:43:01,927 --> 00:43:03,963 - There is already a network... - La la la! 580 00:43:06,447 --> 00:43:07,766 Now then, lad. 581 00:43:07,847 --> 00:43:11,237 Old Majolica sings your praises and that's good enough for me. 582 00:43:11,327 --> 00:43:14,717 I can offer you a hundred a year and use of a bicycle. What do you say? 583 00:43:14,807 --> 00:43:17,685 - I'd be delighted. - I think we'll get along well. 584 00:43:17,767 --> 00:43:19,644 There is only one other matter. 585 00:43:20,527 --> 00:43:23,963 My senior partner, Mr Purblind, is an invalid. 586 00:43:24,047 --> 00:43:27,357 He occupies the last room on the third floor. 587 00:43:27,887 --> 00:43:30,799 He never stirs from his bed from dawn till dusk. 588 00:43:31,607 --> 00:43:33,199 Save to go for a wee. 589 00:43:33,927 --> 00:43:36,566 - You wish me to visit him? - On no account. 590 00:43:36,647 --> 00:43:39,400 Mr Purblind is a very sick man. 591 00:43:39,487 --> 00:43:41,921 The slightest disturbance is abhorrent to him. 592 00:43:42,007 --> 00:43:43,838 - Do you hear me? - Yes, sir. 593 00:43:44,407 --> 00:43:47,046 All my doors are open to you, Chinnery. 594 00:43:48,207 --> 00:43:50,801 Except for the ones that are closed. 595 00:43:54,007 --> 00:43:55,725 (GLASS SMASHES) 596 00:43:55,887 --> 00:43:58,879 (CLUNKING AND CLATTERING) 597 00:44:02,687 --> 00:44:04,325 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 598 00:44:04,407 --> 00:44:08,605 (BOOTHBY) Sorry. Goodnight, Mrs Huxtable. 599 00:44:13,207 --> 00:44:15,323 (FAINT MOANING) 600 00:44:22,527 --> 00:44:25,564 (FAINT WAILING) 601 00:44:50,287 --> 00:44:51,606 (WAILING) 602 00:44:51,687 --> 00:44:53,040 Mr Purblind? 603 00:44:53,127 --> 00:44:54,845 Next door. 604 00:44:56,767 --> 00:44:58,962 - Sorry. - It's all right. 605 00:45:00,887 --> 00:45:03,117 (CONTINUES WAILING) 606 00:45:07,247 --> 00:45:08,566 (KNOCKING) 607 00:45:08,727 --> 00:45:10,558 Yes? 608 00:45:12,967 --> 00:45:14,286 Mr Purblind? 609 00:45:14,447 --> 00:45:16,642 I am Magnus Purblind. 610 00:45:17,607 --> 00:45:19,438 You must be the new boy. 611 00:45:19,607 --> 00:45:21,120 Edmund Chinnery, sir. 612 00:45:22,727 --> 00:45:24,922 Did they tell you you mustn't come in here? 613 00:45:25,007 --> 00:45:26,565 Indeed they did, sir, 614 00:45:26,647 --> 00:45:29,844 but I heard noises which I took to be the sound of you in distress. 615 00:45:29,927 --> 00:45:31,246 Distress! 616 00:45:33,087 --> 00:45:35,647 I am accursed. 617 00:45:35,807 --> 00:45:37,126 Sir? 618 00:45:37,207 --> 00:45:40,517 You wouldn't think to look at me now, Chinnery... 619 00:45:40,927 --> 00:45:45,159 but once I was a young and handsome fellow. 620 00:45:45,407 --> 00:45:46,726 When? 621 00:45:46,807 --> 00:45:49,082 A long time ago. 622 00:45:50,007 --> 00:45:52,043 Well, we all have to get old. 623 00:45:52,207 --> 00:45:56,120 I'm trying to say that I'm old beyond my years. 624 00:45:56,207 --> 00:45:58,243 My life has been blighted. 625 00:45:58,327 --> 00:46:00,318 Twisted out of shape... 626 00:46:00,487 --> 00:46:02,796 by the forces of darkness. 627 00:46:03,407 --> 00:46:04,806 I see. 628 00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:08,880 Once, I was Chief Veterinary Surgeon 629 00:46:09,927 --> 00:46:12,316 in the Indian province of Karrit Poor. 630 00:46:14,567 --> 00:46:16,239 I was respected... 631 00:46:16,407 --> 00:46:18,079 Ioved, even. 632 00:46:18,247 --> 00:46:22,479 The Maharajah of Karrit Poor had a favourite pet - 633 00:46:22,567 --> 00:46:25,286 a little monkey named Topov. 634 00:46:25,367 --> 00:46:28,564 Topov was known to be a cheeky monkey, 635 00:46:28,647 --> 00:46:32,401 who enjoyed the simulation of coitus 636 00:46:33,327 --> 00:46:35,636 from anything that came to hand. 637 00:46:42,567 --> 00:46:44,797 And on that fateful day... 638 00:46:46,287 --> 00:46:48,323 I received a call. 639 00:46:49,487 --> 00:46:52,206 Oh, woe! 640 00:46:53,767 --> 00:46:55,997 The little monkey Topov 641 00:46:56,087 --> 00:46:58,396 was suffering a delicate condition. 642 00:47:00,447 --> 00:47:02,483 And what was your prognosis? 643 00:47:02,647 --> 00:47:05,286 I assured the anxious Maharajah 644 00:47:05,367 --> 00:47:08,996 that the little fellow's "little fellow" 645 00:47:09,087 --> 00:47:13,797 could be freed by the simple application of ordinary Vaseline. 646 00:47:13,967 --> 00:47:17,596 I reached into my bag for the jar 647 00:47:17,687 --> 00:47:19,245 and the spatula, 648 00:47:19,327 --> 00:47:22,080 and applied a smear of the substance 649 00:47:22,167 --> 00:47:25,955 to the root of the monkey's genital cluster. 650 00:47:27,567 --> 00:47:29,762 But what was the cloud 651 00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:32,361 issuing from the monkey's hips? 652 00:47:37,087 --> 00:47:38,679 Verruca acid?! 653 00:47:39,247 --> 00:47:40,999 I was fucked. 654 00:47:44,167 --> 00:47:45,680 The Maharajah! 655 00:47:46,527 --> 00:47:51,999 Never never have I seen such a look upon a human face. 656 00:47:52,167 --> 00:47:56,638 Sometimes on cows and once on a gorilla, but this... 657 00:47:58,447 --> 00:48:01,803 The Maharajah vowed vengeance. 658 00:48:02,327 --> 00:48:05,876 He picked up Topov's steaming jewels... 659 00:48:07,207 --> 00:48:09,243 and, holding them aloft, 660 00:48:09,327 --> 00:48:12,046 called upon his gods! 661 00:48:12,967 --> 00:48:14,685 Topov's parts. 662 00:48:15,847 --> 00:48:17,166 Touch them. 663 00:48:17,247 --> 00:48:20,000 - What? - Touch them and see. 664 00:48:21,167 --> 00:48:23,362 No. No, I... 665 00:48:23,447 --> 00:48:24,926 I mustn't. 666 00:48:25,087 --> 00:48:26,406 Feel them. 667 00:48:27,247 --> 00:48:29,238 Feel the knackers. 668 00:48:39,127 --> 00:48:42,358 I'm free! I'm free at last! 669 00:48:42,527 --> 00:48:44,836 Free? Free to do what? 670 00:48:45,007 --> 00:48:48,044 Free to practise veterinary medicine. 671 00:48:48,207 --> 00:48:52,598 Free to give a gerbil an enema. 672 00:48:52,687 --> 00:48:54,166 I don't understand. 673 00:48:57,367 --> 00:49:01,042 Sorry. Is it over, Magnus? Is the curse lifted? 674 00:49:01,207 --> 00:49:02,959 Curse? What curse? 675 00:49:03,047 --> 00:49:04,446 The Maharajah's curse. 676 00:49:04,607 --> 00:49:08,361 That any animal I touched would meet a dreadful end. 677 00:49:08,447 --> 00:49:10,836 A vile and terrible curse. 678 00:49:11,007 --> 00:49:13,362 And absolute professional death for a vet. 679 00:49:13,527 --> 00:49:15,483 - That's true. - Tommyrot! 680 00:49:15,647 --> 00:49:18,241 I don't know what you mean by luring me here. 681 00:49:18,327 --> 00:49:21,160 For years we've been waiting. 682 00:49:21,247 --> 00:49:23,920 Then I encountered you, Chinnery. 683 00:49:24,087 --> 00:49:25,520 Majolica. 684 00:49:25,687 --> 00:49:27,484 Or as my colleagues here know me - 685 00:49:27,567 --> 00:49:28,966 the silent partner 686 00:49:29,047 --> 00:49:34,246 in the firm of Purblind, Boothby and Canker. 687 00:49:35,167 --> 00:49:38,364 I am a man of science, sir, as I took you to be. 688 00:49:38,447 --> 00:49:41,166 I refuse to accept this cheap mummery! 689 00:49:41,247 --> 00:49:42,760 But you have lifted the curse. 690 00:49:42,927 --> 00:49:45,282 You have taken it upon yourself. 691 00:49:45,367 --> 00:49:48,006 Another vet has touched the monkey's bollocks. 692 00:49:48,167 --> 00:49:51,318 And now you and all your descendants 693 00:49:51,487 --> 00:49:54,160 shall suffer the curse of Karrit Poor! 694 00:49:54,247 --> 00:49:55,885 (THUNDER CRACKS) 695 00:49:55,967 --> 00:49:58,720 And I can move to Harrogate. 696 00:50:33,727 --> 00:50:36,924 Ah, Mrs Trevithick, just bear with me one moment. 697 00:50:37,567 --> 00:50:40,798 I heard things didn't work out for you up north, sir. 698 00:50:40,967 --> 00:50:42,605 I am sorry. 699 00:50:46,287 --> 00:50:47,800 Not to worry, Mrs T. 700 00:50:47,967 --> 00:50:51,880 Plenty to occupy me down here, like little Gladstone, for instance. 701 00:50:51,967 --> 00:50:53,844 Couldn't leave him behind, could I? 702 00:50:53,927 --> 00:50:57,044 I'm afraid he's a bit under the weather again, sir. 703 00:50:57,207 --> 00:50:59,277 Oh. Please, take a seat. 704 00:51:03,327 --> 00:51:04,806 Hello. 705 00:51:05,407 --> 00:51:09,116 - It's a rather nasty eye infection. - Good heavens! 706 00:51:09,287 --> 00:51:13,280 Both ocular orbits have been occluded by a build up of matter. 707 00:51:13,367 --> 00:51:16,040 There's pressure behind Gladstone's eyes. 708 00:51:16,207 --> 00:51:18,641 - What are we to do? - Oh, it's the work of moments. 709 00:51:18,807 --> 00:51:22,516 A small surgical tap should do the trick. 710 00:51:28,647 --> 00:51:31,878 Just have to find the optimum point. 711 00:51:32,447 --> 00:51:34,039 Just around... 712 00:51:35,127 --> 00:51:36,446 here. 713 00:51:48,247 --> 00:51:49,600 (DOG BARKS) 714 00:51:49,687 --> 00:51:51,678 (HORSES WHINNY, GLASS SMASHES) 715 00:51:51,767 --> 00:51:54,645 (HUGE COMMOTION OUTSIDE) 716 00:52:30,287 --> 00:52:32,039 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 717 00:52:41,367 --> 00:52:43,642 He and all his descendants. 718 00:52:44,527 --> 00:52:46,995 - Don't you see? - Now, listen, pet... 719 00:52:47,087 --> 00:52:48,566 I've tried to avoid it. 720 00:52:48,647 --> 00:52:50,683 I gave it all up to work in a pub, 721 00:52:50,767 --> 00:52:53,201 but six drayman's horses died on my first shift. 722 00:52:53,287 --> 00:52:55,198 It's my destiny. I can't escape it. 723 00:52:55,287 --> 00:52:58,006 Now, listen. I've learned a lot of things tonight - 724 00:52:58,087 --> 00:53:00,476 about people, about myself, 725 00:53:00,567 --> 00:53:02,319 about the nature of fear. 726 00:53:02,407 --> 00:53:04,967 And it's all up here. It's all in your mind. 727 00:53:05,047 --> 00:53:07,959 Whatever's happened in the past is over and done. 728 00:53:08,047 --> 00:53:09,719 It's up to us to face the future. 729 00:53:09,887 --> 00:53:12,765 - But the curse...? - There's no such thing as a curse! 730 00:53:12,927 --> 00:53:15,521 Now, do you have any more cases pending? 731 00:53:16,767 --> 00:53:20,885 Well, there's Mr Sykes' prize stallion. A testicular torsion. 732 00:53:21,047 --> 00:53:24,562 Well, get out there and unknot those nuts. 733 00:53:25,567 --> 00:53:26,886 You can do it! 734 00:53:29,247 --> 00:53:31,522 Yes. You're right! 735 00:53:31,887 --> 00:53:33,479 I can do it. 736 00:53:34,447 --> 00:53:36,005 Thank you, Reverend. 737 00:53:38,567 --> 00:53:39,886 Merry Christmas. 738 00:53:40,047 --> 00:53:43,244 And a very merry Christmas to you too. 739 00:53:56,007 --> 00:53:57,235 Oh. 740 00:53:59,287 --> 00:54:01,403 Ho, ho, ho! 741 00:54:01,487 --> 00:54:03,842 Now, I think I might get up early 742 00:54:03,927 --> 00:54:06,600 and be in here in time for the first carols. 743 00:54:06,687 --> 00:54:09,838 And then I could put some sherry out for the bell ringers. 744 00:54:09,927 --> 00:54:11,246 That'd be nice. 745 00:54:11,327 --> 00:54:13,841 And the kiddies from St Mark's will be coming... 746 00:54:14,647 --> 00:54:17,366 Oh, thank the Lord. I was hoping to see you again. 747 00:54:17,527 --> 00:54:20,644 I'm sorry about the snowball before. 748 00:54:20,727 --> 00:54:23,480 I was in a bit of a mood, but I'm happy now. 749 00:54:24,727 --> 00:54:26,319 (RASPING VOICE) Hello, Dave. 750 00:54:26,487 --> 00:54:29,285 - I'm sorry? - Is that Dave? 751 00:54:30,847 --> 00:54:32,166 Oh, God! 752 00:54:32,327 --> 00:54:34,795 It's nice to see you again, Dave. 753 00:54:35,487 --> 00:54:37,717 All grown up. 754 00:54:51,207 --> 00:54:53,277 Mummy! Mummy! 755 00:55:21,327 --> 00:55:25,002 You're my wife now! 756 00:55:27,447 --> 00:55:29,915 (SLEIGH BELLS RING) 757 00:55:49,007 --> 00:55:52,204 (RASPING VOICE) Merry Christmas!