1 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:06,200 "Dear Benjamin, we are so glad you are coming to stay with us, 2 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,640 "if only for the night. 3 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:12,600 "I hope that you and your friend enjoy your hiking holiday, 4 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:16,280 "and don't find our little town too boring. 5 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,920 "We have never been camping, 6 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:22,880 "as Uncle Harvey does not get on with chemical toilets..." 7 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,960 Excuse me! Do you mind? This is private. 8 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:31,480 'We are now approaching Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey, next stop. 9 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,480 'This is the end of the line.' 10 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,920 THE WIND HOWLS 11 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:16,120 GRUFF MALE VOICE: Where to, pal? 12 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,160 Swan Mills estate, please. Righto. 13 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:25,760 - Are you here for work or pleasure? - Pleasure. 14 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:31,680 - I'm staying with relatives, and going hiking. - Swan Mills is nice. 15 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,120 Lovely shops. 16 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,960 It's where I get my dresses from. 17 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:42,120 The good thing is, they know me there now. 18 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:46,520 - I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins once me bust started showing. - Oh. 19 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:51,320 I've only been on the hormones 18 months. 20 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,800 Me nipples are like bullets. 21 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,560 Morning, Doctor Chinnery! 22 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,000 Morning, Barbara. 23 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:04,440 'Thank you for posting a letter inside me.' 24 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,280 Sorry, lads. 25 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,240 Morning, Mrs Dyson! 26 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,800 THE WIND HOWLS 27 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,520 Yes? 28 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:32,400 Oh! I-I'm sorry. Are you open? 29 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,440 Yes. 30 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,680 Can I help you at all? 31 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,320 Oh, no, thanks. I'm just... 32 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,800 just looking. 33 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,520 I haven't seen you before. 34 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:55,240 - Are you a local? - No, I'm meeting a friend. Going hiking. 35 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,320 - Cheerio. - Can I help you at all? 36 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,720 - Well, how much is this...? - AAARGH! 37 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,360 - What are you doing?! - Sorry. 38 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,480 Don't touch the things! 39 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:15,200 - It's a local shop for local people. There's nothing for you. - I can pay. 40 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,920 Keep your hands where I can see them. 41 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:23,320 I have a husband, you know. He's up the stairs. He'll hear everything. 42 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:27,360 If you were to come here and touch them... 43 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,400 - No... - Edward! Edward! - Hello, hello. 44 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:36,880 What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble. 45 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,360 He was stealing from the shop. 46 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,920 Who is he? Is his identity known? 47 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:47,040 - He's not local. - Look here, we're very proud of our town. 48 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:51,280 This is a decent town. We'll have no trouble here. 49 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,400 - He asked me to open the till. - No! 50 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:59,440 He has a plan. He covets the precious things of the shop. 51 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:04,400 Oh, tea-leaf, eh? You people are all alike. 52 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,040 You march in here, young, 53 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,880 try and touch the local things. 54 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:15,000 I suppose you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint, 55 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,000 smearing poor Tubbs with excrement. 56 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:23,040 I've got your number, fella. 57 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:27,680 - He tried to see under my clothes. - Pervert, eh? 58 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,520 Got...sex on the brain. 59 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,360 Wet the bed, I'll bet, as a boy. 60 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,560 No sisters. 61 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,960 I used to be in a war. 62 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:43,920 I put paid to quite a few like you. This is a decent town, a local shop. 63 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:48,320 - There's nothing for you here. - Tell him I can't have babies, anyway. 64 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,600 Tell him my insides are all wrong. 65 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,440 Devil! Go on, then. 66 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:59,160 Take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home, 67 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,680 rape our dead mouths! 68 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:05,000 So long as I don't have to listen to any more 69 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,720 - of your disgusting babble. - LOOK! 70 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:13,080 I'm sorry if I've upset either of you. 71 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:17,000 I just wanted to browse in your bloody shop. 72 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:21,240 If you don't mind, I'll just leave quietly. 73 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:28,320 You...heard the man, Tubbs. 74 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,280 Get undressed. 75 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:43,400 Yeah, it's quite a straightforward operation, really. 76 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:47,520 Basically, they split the penis in two, and invert it, 77 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,920 using the membrane to form a sort of... 78 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,880 Hokey, cokey, pig-in-a-pokey! 79 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:05,600 Hello, gents. Half past nine, time for men with jobs to go to work. 80 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:10,000 Other men stay in bed till dinner-time, watching Tots TV, 81 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,640 thinking how worthless and pathetic they are. 82 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,640 Good morning, job-seekers. 83 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,360 Now, we were thinking yesterday about jobs. 84 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,520 Do you remember? What did we conclude? 85 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:29,000 There aren't any. 86 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,880 No, Ross, we concluded that there are so many jobs out there, 87 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,840 we need to know what our options are. 88 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:42,360 So, today we're going to have a little brainstorming session. 89 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,400 Don't worry, love. It doesn't hurt. 90 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:50,000 First up, who can tell me what this is? 91 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:58,600 - It's a pen. - Yes, Ross, one of Pauline's pens. 92 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,880 Me and Mr Pen are going for a walk, 93 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,280 down the high street, 94 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:09,400 - where we'll see people doing lots of jobs. - Not OUR high street, then. 95 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:15,040 Look, there's Mr Pastry. What do you think his job could be, gents? 96 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,240 - Baker. - Yes, good - baker. 97 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:23,280 So I'm going to write that up on the board - "baker" - and then... 98 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:27,040 Oh, look who's over there. It's Mr... 99 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,640 Cabbages. And his job is...? 100 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,720 Fireman! 101 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:37,160 No, Mickey, love. He is a greengrocer. 102 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:42,360 But his good friend is Mr Flames, and he IS a...? 103 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,800 Greengrocer. 104 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,360 - No. - Fireman. 105 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:51,640 Good. Come on, gents. Shout more jobs out. 106 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,880 Fireman! 107 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,360 We've got that one, Mickey. 108 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,720 Newsagent. 109 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:04,120 - Good. Newsagent. - Policeman, carpet fitter. 110 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:08,200 - Yes, that is a job. - Doctor, vet, tennis player. 111 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:12,000 - Football player. - Just a minute, gents. 112 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:15,720 - Fireman! - Window cleaner, gardener, architect. 113 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,840 - Slow down. - Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy, butcher, baker, 114 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,240 - candlestick maker. - Now... 115 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:24,080 - Fisherman, builder, labourer. - All right, clever dick! 116 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,080 That's enough, now. 117 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,680 Astronaut. 118 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,800 Piss off! 119 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:39,120 You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross. 120 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,800 You're never going to bloody get one, you dole-scum! 121 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,880 Can you think of a job, Mickey? 122 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,120 Yeah. 123 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:04,840 Aww! You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell "job", but at least he tries. 124 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,200 J...O... 125 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,680 What's this? 126 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:16,120 "Dear Mr Mickey, we would like you to come in for an interview this afternoon." 127 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,880 Brilliant, Mickey. What's it for? 128 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,160 Fireman! 129 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,960 It's not so bad once you've been shaved and marked up with lipstick. 130 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,280 Of course, they won't know about lubrication till they open me up. 131 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:46,200 - Hello, Auntie Val. - Benjamin. Come inside. Quickly, quickly. 132 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:52,200 - Through here, Benjamin. - Thank you, Auntie Val. 133 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:57,720 - Very kind of you to let me stay. - I was saying to your Uncle Harvey, 134 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:01,760 we don't see enough of your side of the family. 135 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,840 Now, we want you to relax, 136 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:08,760 and treat this place like your own home. 137 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:13,800 - I am only staying one night. - I know. - I have to meet Martin. - Absolutely. 138 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,040 Oh. 139 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,280 What is it? 140 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:22,920 Just a little thing. Could you leave your shoes in the front porch? 141 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:28,560 - Oh... - Who's left muddy footprints all over the carpet? - Sorry. It's me. 142 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,600 Ah, Benjamin. 143 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:35,800 In this house, we leave our shoes in the front porch, underneath the barometer. 144 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,200 Sorry about that. 145 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:43,000 I was explaining that we want Benjamin to treat this place like his own home. 146 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,280 Of course, of course. 147 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:46,560 Take your shoes off. 148 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,560 This way. 149 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,800 Good. 150 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,320 - We thought... - Not there! There. 151 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:06,720 Left a bit. 152 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,640 And the right one closer to the left. 153 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,280 That'll do. 154 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,120 We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa-bed. 155 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,800 You'll have your own shower and WC. 156 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,760 Into which we don't pass solids. 157 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:30,800 - And you won't have the girls running in and out. - That sounds great. 158 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:36,560 I'm inconvenienced, as this is my study. I'll stay late at the office. 159 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:37,920 - If it's any trouble... - No! 160 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,000 It's fine. 161 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,160 There are one or two things I have to explain 162 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,000 so you'll feel absolutely at home. 163 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,520 - The keys. - Oh, right. 164 00:12:56,560 --> 00:13:00,320 Now, they're all colour-coded, so it shouldn't take you too long. 165 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:08,440 - Geoff, there won't be any work if they don't get a move on with this bloody road. - Eh? 166 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:14,520 - We're dying on our arses. - Brian, we've only got an hour for dinner! 167 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:18,600 - God, he's bloody deaf. - You know what they say. 168 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,240 - What? - Hmfmph. 169 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:24,080 - Eh? - Hmfmfmph. 170 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:28,120 - I can't hear you. - I said, "Bummers are deaf." 171 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:33,200 - Oh, yeah. It's a good one that, isn't it? - I fell for it, and all. 172 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:39,640 - Sorry, lads. Getting that table for tonight. - Brian, you know what they say. 173 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:42,280 - What? - Bummers are deaf. 174 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:47,320 - What do you mean? - Well, they're deaf, aren't they? Bummers are deaf. 175 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:51,360 I don't know what you're on about, Geoff. 176 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:53,920 Well, I don't... 177 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,480 Mike said it. 178 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,320 He was really laughing. 179 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,440 Afternoon. 180 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:13,480 - It's just through here, Veterinary. - Righty-oh. - You're a good lad. 181 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:18,520 - Thanks for coming at such short notice. - Not at all. - In the basket. 182 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:23,160 I know she won't suffer with you, Mr Chinnery. 183 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,520 I won't be a minute. 184 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,560 Right. 185 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,640 Hello. 186 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,080 Hello, girl. 187 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,440 On your last legs, you old trouper. 188 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,800 Well, never mind. 189 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,440 Had a good innings, eh? 190 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,320 Chased a few cats, chewed a few bones. 191 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,880 Well, you won't be in pain much longer. 192 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:01,520 Don't mind this. Just a silly, little needle. 193 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,440 There we go. 194 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,280 DOG WHIMPERS 195 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,720 Good dog. 196 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,200 There. 197 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,040 Sssh... 198 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,760 Off to the Land of Nod, eh? 199 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,800 Here she is, Veterinary. 200 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:28,040 - That tumour puts a half-stone on her. - Who's that? 201 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,080 It's Blacko, the poorly one. 202 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:35,000 The one I want putting down, you know? 203 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,520 Er... And this one? 204 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:42,080 The, er...sleeping one, by the fire. 205 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:47,800 Whisky? My little angel, she is. My little princess. Aren't you? 206 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,560 Right... 207 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,760 Right. 208 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,040 Whisky? 209 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,600 Whisky? 210 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,840 I wonder if you'd take a seat. 211 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,680 I have some rather upsetting news. 212 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:14,760 So, job-seekers, when we think about what skills you've got, 213 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:19,800 we can narrow this list of job options down to... 214 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,880 Baby-sitter and... 215 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,760 bramble-picker. Don't know where that one came from. 216 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:32,400 - I'm going to dish my pens out. - What time is it, Ross? 217 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:37,200 - You've got a watch on. - I know. What time is it? - Quarter past four. 218 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:43,680 - Just a sec. Where do you think you're going? - Interview. 219 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,560 You're going nowhere, buster. Sit. 220 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:55,280 - Right, job-seekers, as I was saying, I want you to look at this list... - Just a second. 221 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,480 How can he get a job if you don't let him go for his interview? 222 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:03,360 How can he get an interview if he doesn't know his job options? 223 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:08,400 - He's already got an interview! - Ross, that is not my responsibility. 224 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,400 My responsibility is to make you job-seekers. 225 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:16,520 Where would I be if you all got work? 226 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,160 - On the dole. - Exactly! 227 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,840 I'd be sat here next to Mr Waddilove, stinking of shit. 228 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:29,360 - This is my job we're talking about. - No, it's Mickey's job! Go, Mickey. 229 00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:32,560 - Mickey... - Go! 230 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,160 Mickey! 231 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:40,400 If you go out that door, I'll have no option but to stop your benefit. 232 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,880 Yeah - both claims. 233 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,720 - She can't do that. - Try me. 234 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,760 Please, Pauline. I feel confident. 235 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,120 Well, you look ridiculous. 236 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:01,880 They put monkeys in space, but they won't let one drive a fire engine. 237 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,720 - Sit down! - Go! 238 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:17,120 That's right, Mickey, love. Stick to what you know. 239 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,160 Pauline's right. 240 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,640 I am stupid. 241 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:30,480 Right, the rest of you, I want you to split yourselves into baby-sitters and bramble-pickers. 242 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,400 We're going to look at the second stage - getting an interview. 243 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,520 Barbara, are bummers deaf? 244 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,200 I've no idea. 245 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:45,520 - Don't know why I'm asking you. You're a woman. - Not quite. 246 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:50,000 They've to open me up first along the base of the scrotum... 247 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,600 Black for paper, chrome for string 248 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,040 Blue ones from this hook do swing 249 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,480 Keep them clean, don't be mistaken 250 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,240 For kitchen jobs like trimming bacon. 251 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:06,160 - I'd better be off. I'm meeting Martin. - Then there's the towels. 252 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,160 White for hands, brown for feet 253 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,640 Green for torso, thighs and seat 254 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,320 In the cupboard 'neath the stair 255 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:14,440 You'll find the red for pubic hair. 256 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,720 Well, I think that's everything. 257 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,560 You might want to relax. Perhaps you'd like to see Harvey's toads. 258 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,760 - What? - I breed toads for a hobby. 259 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:31,600 - Really? - Yes. - The thing is, I'm meant to be meeting Martin. 260 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:38,640 Batrachianism is a most rewarding pastime. We thought we'd give you a tour of the amphibarium. 261 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,280 I'll let you stroke my greenback. 262 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,800 But don't toads give you warts? 263 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:54,400 YOU may give a toad a wart, but a toad may NOT give a wart to YOU! 264 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,000 I'll just go and put the kettle on. 265 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,720 Well, I'd better... 266 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:17,480 While the wee wife's away, just a few words on the subject of onanism. 267 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,640 In this house, 268 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,600 we don't masturbate. 269 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,480 It's not a very pleasant thing to do, 270 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:35,160 particularly with two young girls running around, now, is it? 271 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:41,920 I'd hate to think of Chloe or Radcliffe tearing downstairs first thing in the morning 272 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:46,160 only to find you hunched double on the sofa-bed... 273 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,720 ..pumping your fist. 274 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,320 So, while you're a guest with us, 275 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:58,400 if you could rein in those baser instincts, Benjamin, please. 276 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,280 No, that's...fine. 277 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,320 Good. 278 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:11,240 Everything hunky-dory? Good. I'm so glad it's all sorted. 279 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,960 Semen is such a persistent stain. 280 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,600 'Oi! Three Bluebirds, please!' 281 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:27,240 - He's bloody deaf, him. - Well, you know what they say. - What? 282 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,800 All right, all right! 283 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,240 Brian, 284 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:36,080 - tell Mike - Mau Mau. - You what? 285 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,720 That one about the Mau Mau. 286 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,280 I can't remember that. You tell him. 287 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:46,280 Danny told us this joke at the golf club. It's the funniest bloody joke. 288 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:51,400 - Tell it, Brian. - Me? - Yeah. - All right. There's these three fellas... 289 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:56,640 - Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman. - Yes, and they get lost in the desert. 290 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,960 - Jungle. - Is it? 291 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:03,720 - Mm. Go on. - Lost in the jungle. They get killed by cannibals. 292 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,680 No, you missed the bloody joke out! 293 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:10,040 - I can't remember it, Geoff. - You can. 294 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,080 - I'm not bothered, actually. - No, sit down! - Eh? 295 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,280 Sit down. 296 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,200 He's telling a joke. 297 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:28,240 Now, just remember what the end is, and go back. 298 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,400 Right. There's an Englishman... 299 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,600 - Fruit. - What? 300 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,480 It's the fruit. 301 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,040 - Oh! - He remembers it. 302 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:46,640 They've got to go and pick ten pieces of fruit. The Chief says... 303 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,440 Do the voice. 304 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,840 The Chief says, 305 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,160 "So, Englishman, now you must choose between death or Mau Mau." 306 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,520 The Englishman says, "I'll choose Mau Mau." 307 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:04,480 - So they stick the fruit up his arse. - What did he pick? 308 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,600 Oh, the Englishman chose cherries. 309 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:10,560 Imagine ten cherries stuffed up your arse. Cherries are small. 310 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,080 - Go on, Brian. - Right. 311 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:20,480 The Chief says to the Scotsman, "Death or Mau Mau?" 312 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,520 The Scotsman says, "Mau Mau." 313 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:26,880 Oh... What's the Scotsman's fruit? Bananas? 314 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:31,120 - No, it's smaller than that. - Let's just say bananas. 315 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:34,400 Too big! It spoils the next one. 316 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,720 - Apples? - No! 317 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,520 - Strawberries? - In the jungle?! 318 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:46,800 Oh, just think what it is! 319 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,360 Strawberries, apples... 320 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:55,480 Bri, why are there no aspirins in the jungle? 321 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:59,520 - Don't know. - Cos the parrots eat 'em all. 322 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,240 - Do you get it? - Yeah. 323 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:08,000 I'd have said "parrots ate 'em all". 324 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,360 Either way, I think it works. 325 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,000 As you can see, 326 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:21,520 the horned toad requires only three droplets on a slice of moist bread. 327 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:26,120 - Only three? I'm meant to be meeting Martin... - Moving on, 328 00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:30,400 this is a different species altogether. 329 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,160 Everyone's banking on this road. What if it doesn't happen? 330 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,960 - I thought it was a dead cert. - No. - PLUMS! 331 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,320 You what? 332 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:44,040 - They're plums. Come on. - It doesn't matter now. 333 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:48,960 Of course it bloody matters! There's only the Irishman left. 334 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,240 - Come on. The Chief says, "Death or Mau Mau?" - Do the voice. 335 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:57,000 - Doesn't matter! Finish it. - I can't remember. 336 00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:01,520 - Finish it! - I can't remember it. - Please! - I honestly can't remember. 337 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:13,400 It's just a big bloody joke to you, isn't it? 338 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:17,720 Isn't it? "Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff IS a joke. 339 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,520 "Geoff enters a talent competition and loses." 340 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,400 Me mam said I would win. 341 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,920 I was only eight! 342 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,960 You know I've got this gun, don't you? 343 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,680 Oh, you're all listening now! YOU! 344 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,320 You're going to tell this joke, 345 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,360 and we're all going to laugh! 346 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:45,160 Or else he gets it! 347 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,360 Calm down. I'll finish the joke. 348 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:52,880 Er... The Chief turns to the Irishman and says, 349 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,520 "Death or Mau Mau?" The Irishman looks at his fruit... 350 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,120 PINEAPPLES! PINEAPPLES! 351 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,200 He looks at his pineapples and he says, 352 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:07,520 "I couldn't stand the Mau Mau. I choose death." The Chief says... 353 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:11,400 GUN CLICKS 354 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:15,880 Get it right, Brian. 355 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,040 The Chief says to the Irishman... 356 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,280 I can't remember. 357 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,080 He says, 358 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:31,120 "Death BY Mau Mau." 359 00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:37,760 - Have you heard it? - Yeah. - It's good, though, isn't it? 360 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,560 Oi! Three Bluebirds! 361 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:46,960 MICKEY IMITATES SIREN 362 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:51,400 Excuse me. Have you seen someone waiting here? 363 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,640 What do they look like? 364 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,160 28 years old. 365 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,600 Brown hair. 366 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,120 Name of Martin Lee. 367 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,720 - I found the wallet. Has he been in? - No! 368 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,400 I don't know anything! 369 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:13,280 Now, if you'll excuse me, officer, the shop is local. 370 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:17,240 Perhaps your husband saw him. Is he here? 371 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:22,280 He's up the stairs, cleansing the precious things of the shop. 372 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,800 He can't walk, you see? 373 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,280 And he's blind. 374 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:29,880 Hello, hello. 375 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:33,080 Tubbs, what's going on? What's all this shouting? 376 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,040 We'll have no trouble here. 377 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,880 - Are you the proprietor? - Yes, yes. 378 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:44,320 - Well, your wife said you were up the stairs, sir. - I slipped out, Tubbs. 379 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,800 For a walk. Didn't want to disturb you. 380 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,600 Fine evening, the town. We're very proud. 381 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,920 - He's looking for a boy. - Poofter, eh? 382 00:27:56,200 --> 00:28:01,200 Little bummer boy. Came across your type in the forces. 383 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,840 You won't catch me with my trousers down. 384 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:09,200 - Sir, I am here on police business. I found a boy's wallet. - Local boy? 385 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:13,440 - He's not from our town. - Do we know his parents? 386 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:17,480 I said we'd never seen him before. Did Tubbs do right? 387 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,560 You did beautifully, Tubbs. 388 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:25,400 There's your answer, sir. Never seen this boy before. 389 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,680 Now, if you will excuse us, 390 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,520 we've a shop to run. 391 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,080 Yes, of course. 392 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,720 Thank you for your co-operation. 393 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,760 Good evening. 394 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,760 We didn't burn him! 395 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,440 I beg your pardon? 396 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:05,320 Edward? 397 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,160 Will more strangers come? 398 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,800 Calm yourself, Tubbs. 399 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,720 None shall come.