This is it. Royston Vasey.
- These pictures don't do it justice. - They do not.
- That's before and this is after. - Aye.
- Aye, aye. - What is it?
You tell me. That's not meant to be there.
- Oh, aye. Well, it will have to go, Mr Wint. - I'm afraid it will, Mr Kidd.
- I shouldn't think it's a problem. - The locals are friendly enough.
Stop!
Stop! Stop!
Hey!
I've told you.
Bastard!
- Good morning, Benjamin! - Mm. Oh!
- Morning, Auntie Val. - Did you sleep all right? - Yes, thanks.
Any used tissues to dispose of?
- No! - How did you get on last night? Did you meet your friend?
- No, I must have missed him. - COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
I was wondering if I might give him a ring, find out what happened.
Of course you may. Relax and treat this place just like your own home.
Just one moment!
Go.
Morning, Mrs Levinson.
I'm so glad I'm going away. It will be one big building site here soon.
- Gangs of navvies with their bums hanging out. - I know, Mrs Levinson!
I've cancelled the milk, the dog's offal and my tarot woman.
She didn't know I was going away!
- No, Mrs Levinson. - But the chicken man is coming round on Friday.
Don't you hate going away, Iris?
There's so much you have to remember.
Jaeger suits, Gucci shoes, Chanel bag...
- Shall I put these knickers in to soak? - Do you know Antigua?
- Is he the chicken man? - No, Antigua, the place. Sapphire blue oceans,
cloudless skies...
- Do you travel, Iris? - We had a week booked in Kendal.
The carpet warehouse keeps Eddie working like a black.
We only manage six or seven times a year. I don't know how some people get by without a break.
- I'm all passion spent by the time Ricki Lake comes on. - Me and Ron take the dogs for a walk to unwind.
Taste's a very personal thing.
I wouldn't stone-clad my house - it'd look like a white filling in a mouth of rotten teeth.
It's no wonder some people have to drink as much as they do.
Be careful with my nightie. It cost more than you owe Kay's catalogue.
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
- We've theen most of these! - Have we? - Yeah.
Theen, theen, theen, theen, theen... Oh, I've not theen that.
Oh, I have. It's really good.
Ith it? How many killingth?
Seven.
- Oh, is that all?! - He kills one by gluttony, one by greedy, sexy,
ugly, sleepy...
dopey and bashful.
It weren't that good.
I don't like Bradley Pitts, anyway.
- No? - Too much acting.
'Ere, look at these.
- Yes?! - Oh! Sorry, love.
Are you open?
Yes! Can I help you at all?
You can. I'm Mr Wint. This is Mr Kidd.
- Are you local? - No. We're conducting a survey for PQ Construction.
- We need to serve you with these papers. - Ooh!
It's nothing to be concerned about. Just notification of a new road.
No road! Bad!
SHE GAGS
This is a local shop for local people! There's nothing for you here!
Listen, love, we're a bit pushed.
- All you have to do is sign this and read the document. - Is that a crown you wear?
This? It's just my helmet!
'elmet!
Yes.
- Can I touch it? - Look, perhaps we could use your telephone?
Tephelone? Em...
Tephelone...
Is this one?
I have my mobile. It needs charging. Can you show me your points?
No, no! Please!
- Aaaah! - Hello? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!
- They're strangers! - Not local?! - He wears a crown and builds new road.
- Look, your wife is... - Local?
Overreacting. We just need you to look at these proposals.
We don't need a new road! We don't bother the outside world.
We don't want it bothering us.
It'll be no bother. Just sign this and you'll never hear from us again.
You're sure?
- Absolutely. - Besides, when the new road is laid, you'll be laughing.
Your shop will be full of people.
Hokey, cokey, pig-in-a-pokey.
Good morning, job-seekers!
Now, one of the best pens has gone missing.
Can I have it back, please?
Thank you.
Now, as you're aware, today we're looking at your career options.
Some of you, like Ross, will want to follow your father's footsteps,
but you can't sign on for ever.
So we're looking at SALES jobs. Namely, how to sell this -
The Big Issue!
Now, for those of you not in the know, The Big Issue is a magazine.
A bit like Bunty, but written by tramps.
Inside, it's got stories and poems and look, Mickey, love, pictures!
- Yeah! - And you... - Pauline?
- It's for homeless people. - Mm.
- But we're unemployed. - That's right. And you can earn a bit of money by selling this to real people.
Oh, come off it! Being on the Dole doesn't mean we're stupid!
Mickey, love, what is the capital of France?
Wine!
Come on, Ross, on your feet.
I need you for this exercise.
Now then, job-seekers, imagine if you can that we're standing on a very busy high street.
- I'm an attractive young housewife... - LAUGHTER
I want Ross here to sell me this.
In your own time.
- Big Issue! - Oh, pathetic!
"Big Issue"(!) Come on, Ross, I want to see you try!
Big Issue! Help the homeless!
- Ah, better, you see. Now he's got my interest. - It's only £1.
Good! Watch how I'm starting to pity him.
Want a copy, then?
- Ask me nicely. - Do you want a copy, madam?
- Ask me more nicely. - There's no such thing!
All right! It's for a good cause!
Beg me.
What?
You heard, Ross. Beg me.
- You need the money. Make me feel superior. - That's no reason. - Beg me.
- This isn't... - Be a good doggie.
- You're... - Sing for your supper!
- This... - Beg, doggie, beg!
- Beg me, Ross! - NO!!
No, I won't!
What?
I won't beg you, Pauline.
I see.
Sit down, please, Ross.
Well, take that, then!
- Do you want a go, love? - No!
- Come on! We're in the high street, I'm a housewife. - Big Issue!
- How much is it? - £1! - Have a fiver!
You see, Ross?! Do you see how easy it is?
It's as simple as Mickey.
Oh, you're nothing. Do you know that?
You're worthless. Less than the (shit) on my shoes!
I'm extending your Restart, then sending you on a whole series of meaningless courses!
Then you'll come back here and I'll re-Restart you!
And the rest of you, buck your ideas up!
Knuckle down!
And give me those pens back!
I'll pay for them. Let me pay for them.
It's not the money. Melody Maker, NME, that's £2.05, please, Les.
Cheers. Ta-ra.
- What's Pop always saying? - Principles over pounds. - Yes.
There's a principle here. That's why I've got to say something.
Oh, I'm wiped out! I can't wait to get on that plane.
It must be hard for you living on that estate.
Armies of young mums with eczema and pushchairs and the men - their tattooed arms look like Stilton!
- I'd be scared. - Well, we don't go out much. Ron prefers an early night.
- Oh, them's nice panties, Mrs L! - Thank you. Eddie got them in Paris.
- I won't get expensive briefs. - Treat yourself.
I get through so many, Ron pulling at them with his big fingers!
- Really(?) Have you packed Eddie's toilet bag? - I wear nothing in bed.
With Ron's libido, he's like a lad of 19 sometimes!
I hope you buttoned his shirts.
- Five, six times a night! - When we first married...
It's always been like that for us. It just gets better and better.
- I do things that'd make a whore blush! - Eddie just wears trunks... - This way, that way.
Some of it barely legal. I think, "Will this pleasure never end?"
CAR HORN That'll be Barbara.
I have to check in at the airport. We're flying club class.
That doesn't mean a free biscuit! Have a nice afternoon.
- I'll see you in a fortnight. - Bye!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
That won't leave her many options.
We prefer if you wait until after six o'clock.
You see, road men,
this is a local shop.
The strangers you'd bring would not understand us -
our customs, our local ways.
Not necessarily.
He said I could touch his helmet!
If I showed him my points.
Is this true, road man?!
- No! - Very well!
You heard the man, Tubbs.
Get undressed!
Afternoon!
- Hello! I see Fleur de Lis is closing down. - Oh, I know, I know.
- That's your council mates putting the rents up! - Our hands are tied!
- What this town needs is investment, like that new road. - There might be some news next week. I can't say.
More than your job's worth, eh?
- Have you got them? - Yep.
- I forgot my brolly! - Right!
Just come in. Very fresh.
Usual arrangement?
I don't see why not.
The thing is, Hilary,
I know it's wrong.
It just tastes so good.
SHARPENS BLADES
A chain of newsagents built up from one shop. Five outlets and a booth at the war memorial!
- That didn't fall in Pop's lap! - All right, I made a mistake!
Where am I?
Seen it, seen it, seen it, seen it... Oh, not seen that.
- Black and white?! - Oh.
Seen it, seen it, seen it...
To be honest, I favour internal protection over towels, you know?
I mean, who wants a great big mattress between their legs all day?
Just drop me off here, thanks.
Have a nice day, then.
Mind how you go. Ta-ra!
All right, Jacques? Come in.
Have you met my dad?
- No. - Dad?
Dad!
Dad, this is Jacques. Jacques, this is my dad.
- All right? Is this your pal the pop star? - Dad...
Won't be long.
I'm in a band, yeah.
It's a great life is rock 'n' roll. I expect our kid told you,
I used to have a band of my own. Creme Brulee.
- Had a good run. Did Eurovision. - Eurovision Song Contest(?)
Oh, yeah. Back in '81. Heats.
Same year as Bucks Fizz won.
I said to Jay Aston, "This is where you shit your pants, Jay."
Real good laugh. Right good sense of humour. What about that Gina G?
- Eh... - Rubbish. Ordinary. I says to our Tom, "It'll not win!"
In Eurovision, you've got to communicate. Look at the Israelis.
Years in the wilderness, then all of a sudden - genius!
- What's your instrument? - Mainly programming. Drum loops, rhythms.
I tell you who were good - Smokie!
- Eh... - Fantastic songs. Well crafted. You should give them a listen.
The bassist runs a 16-track out by Castleford. I go over quite a bit.
- I've got a tape here of some of my songs, ballads mainly. Have a listen, if you like. - Well...
I'm sure I've got one left somewhere.
- If there's owt on there you want, you can have it. - We don't do ballads.
Just take it. What harm can it do?
Let me know I haven't lost it yet.
You can ask your record company boss if HE remembers Creme Brulee.
Everyone knew me round here. I'd walk in a urinal and heads would turn.
- See you later, Dad. - Yeah. - Nice to meet you, Mr McQueen.
Good luck, son.
God bless.
It's a shit business.
You'll find out.
- Aaaaah! - Aaaaaah!
Look around you. What's Pop's formula, Rich?
DPI equals SIN.
DPI equals SIN - Determination plus Perspiration plus Inspiration equals Success In Newsagency.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Who was the first to charge for cards in the window on a daily rate?
- Pop. - Who was the first to sell Ginster's Pasties in a newsagency?
- Pop! - We owe him, Rich.
Now, are you going to tell him or am I?
Please, Al!
It's your decision.
Guess who's here!
Where are my boys, eh? Where are my boys?
Come on, I take you both on, eh?
Hey, come here!
I got presents for the both of youse. Eh?
Eh?
- Thanks, Pop. - Ah, it's OK, it's OK.
So, Al, how are you? The booth is doing good.
- I drive past, there's a queue all the way to the Gents. - Doing good.
And the cold cabinet - cans, cartons? They're selling well?
- I wasn't sure about these drinks. - No, they're doing fine, Pop. - Good.
But I have good news for you, Richie.
As you know, your brother Al has made a great success of his booth.
For many months I have searched for another site.
It has always been Pop's ambition - a booth for each of my beautiful sons!
You know the key-cutting cubicle by the indoor market?
Well, the lease come up in two month!
It's perfect for you, Richie!
There is room for a freezer unit, a chill cabinet and... we keep the key-cutting machine!
It could open up a whole new area for us!
Not just keys - shoelaces, shoe polish, maybe one day we do repairs as well, eh?
Perhaps soon you be more successful than your brother!
- I even start you on the same wage. - Pop... - £3 an hour! What do you say?
Something happened yesterday morning, Pop, when I was looking after the booth for Al.
What are you talking about?
- What do you mean? - Rich was serving...
Richie will tell me himself!
Won't you, Richie?
I wanna hear from your lip what happened.
It was nothing really, Pop.
Oh, "nothing really, Pop"?
Nothing really, Pop!
Then why are you shitting in your panties?!
Why don't you tell me what this nothing was?
Some boys came.
To the booth.
One of them asked for a Snapple.
And I had to turn my back to... open the chiller.
And when I turned round again, they'd taken all the Maverick bars.
How many?
Nine.
Nine...
Nine, huh?
Nine Maverick bars.
And you say this is nothing? Perhaps THIS is nothing, huh?!
Why do you do this to me, Richie? Why do you do this to me?
All I want is to make you a man, a booth of your own!
But how can I give it to you when you behave like a child?!
No, like a baby! It was a child that robbed you!
Look at my face!
Look what you made Pop do!
You break my heart, Richie!
- You break my HEART! - Pop!
Rich really is sorry for what he did.
Why don't we...go for a walk, eh?
Yeah.
We go for a walk.
Me and you.
Maybe WE talk about the key-cutting cubicle, eh?
You are my son.
My only son.
Benjamin!
Did you pass a solid into the upstairs lavatory?
Benjamin?
HORNS SOUND
No!
What are you going to do?!
Go!
- Edward? - Don't worry, Tubbs!
They won't get far!
Hi, Martin, it's me. I've been trying to ring you all day. I'm stuck in this shithole.
I don't suppose things will get any worse.
Anyway, I'd better go. My uncle locks up the house at 8.15.
I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.
'On the third stroke, it will be 8.15 precisely.'
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
Hello?
Subtitles by Greig Forbes, Subtext, for BBC Subtitling - 1999