1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,040 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,440 Hello? 3 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,800 ..Oh! 4 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:30,120 - Good morning. - Yes? 5 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:34,560 Sorry to disturb you. I wondered if I could pick your brains. 6 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:38,800 No, you can't! I have a husband, you know. 7 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:44,200 I'm lost. I'm looking for Royston Vasey, but I can't seem to find it. 8 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:49,840 - Lines and lines and lines and lines and lines! - Yeah. 9 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:54,240 - What do THEY mean? - Well...they're the roads. 10 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:59,440 - They connect you with other places. - LOCAL places? - Well...no. 11 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:10,640 ARGHGHHHH!! 12 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:15,000 Hello? Hello, Tubbs? What's going on? 13 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:22,600 - What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here. - ..Tubbs have nightmare. About new road. 14 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:28,520 How many more times, Tubbs? THIS is a LOCAL shop. Hmm? 15 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:37,160 For LOCAL people. Strangers cannot force a road upon us. They would not dare. Now, put it from your mind. 16 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,160 RUMBLE OF HEAVY VEHICLES 17 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:02,360 He's hardly touched his lettuce in weeks, Mr Chinnery. 18 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,760 Hello. 19 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,400 Hmm, he DOES look a little peaky. 20 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,640 Eugh... Yes... 21 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:20,760 It's a form of pernicious anaemia which affects the chelonian family. 22 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,880 If we had time, I'd suggest changing his diet, but... 23 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:30,240 - Oh, dear. - The best thing we can do is oxygenate his blood immediately. 24 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,120 - What's that? - It's compressed air. 25 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:37,840 Basically, a short, concentrated blast should perk him up. 26 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:42,280 I'll just put this funnel over his little head... 27 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,920 Would you twist that little knob? 28 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:49,400 - WHISTLE OF AIR - That's it. A little bit more. 29 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,640 - Are you sure? - Yes. 30 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:56,840 A little bit more. We can afford to be quite bold. 31 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,080 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 32 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,680 Was he VERY old? 33 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:28,480 They offered me a C cup or a D cup, but I don't think with my shoulders a C would look 'owt on me, you know. 34 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:35,080 I want something in French silk. Something expensive. I find nylon chafes me nipples. 35 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,440 - Morning, Uncle Harvey. - Morning. 36 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:48,880 - Morning, Auntie Val. - Morning, Benjamin. Please join us at table. 37 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:56,720 - We haven't actually broken our fast yet. We've been waiting for you. - Oh? 38 00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:00,480 Yes, we've been waiting since 6.15, actually. 39 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,960 In this house, we usually rise at a REASONABLE hour. 40 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:11,640 - You said to get up when I liked. - It's not a problem, Benjamin. Don't make an issue of it. 41 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:20,560 - Still haven't met Martin. I'm a bit stuck... - Maybe people get up this late in YOUR house, I don't know. 42 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:26,720 We think of the morning as the better part of the day. Perhaps you're slothful. 43 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:33,240 Sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spreadeagled on pillows 44 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:38,560 forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm. 45 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,520 I just don't know. 46 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:49,080 - It's quarter past nine. - Already a third of the morning has gone! - But... 47 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,080 Never mind! 48 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,800 Never mind. 49 00:05:55,560 --> 00:06:02,840 - We like to start our morning with a glass of fresh aqua vita. Join us. - Yes, mineral water'll be fine. 50 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:09,400 No, no, no. Not mineral water. Aqua vita. Aqua vita! Water of life. 51 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:16,960 A perfect way to set up your body for the day. Full of nitrates and enzymes. A natural antibiotic. 52 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:22,800 - Auntie Val will fetch you a glass. You can...fill it now, if you like. - Sorry? 53 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:27,640 - Fill it with your own feculence, as we do. - With my fecu...? 54 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,520 Micturate, Benjamin! Micturate. 55 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,960 Pass water. 56 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,760 You want me to piss into a glass? 57 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:44,880 Aids the digestion and is so good for the skin. Come on! On your feet! 58 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:49,560 - Mustn't be ashamed of one's bodily functions. - No, I... 59 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:55,000 Now, if you'd like to place the glass thusly... 60 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,040 All you have to do is let yourself go. 61 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:03,800 In this house, we think of a dripping tap or a babbling brook. 62 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,120 - Just let it flow! - No, I CAN'T! 63 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:16,200 - D'you want a bigger glass? - No! It's nothing to do with the size. I don't want to, all right? 64 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:25,440 Oh, dear. It seems BENJAMIN thinks there's something odd about drinking one's own pee-wee. 65 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:28,920 Something unnatural. 66 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:35,800 - Yes, I do! - There are plenty of precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise. 67 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:41,400 My toads consume three times their own volume in urine every day. 68 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:45,800 Perhaps you would mock the toad in his wisdom? 69 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:50,920 What is good enough for him is not so for you! 70 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:55,560 Well, the toad has been on this earth since the dawn of time. 71 00:07:55,560 --> 00:08:03,400 I daresay he and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own species... 72 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:10,080 So join me, then, and drink! Drink! That we may become more like him and his friends! 73 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,800 Or would you prefer tea? 74 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,480 APOLOGETICALLY: £2.50, please, 75 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,080 for the roundabout zoo. 76 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,200 £2.50, please. 77 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,640 £2.50 for the roundabout. 78 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,600 No, thanks, mate. 79 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,400 But you... But you get a sticker. 80 00:08:55,480 --> 00:09:01,600 All right, Samuel? Why, these road fellows aren't wasting much time. 81 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:06,440 - Still on for this afternoon? Booked the table. - I'll be there. 82 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,360 - Oh, and, um, Morris? - Aye? 83 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,520 I've had a...special delivery. 84 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,720 No, Hilary... I've told you. 85 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,320 I'm NOT interested! 86 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,840 He'll come round. 87 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:42,120 I even thought about going to Casablanca to have it done, but I'd have been butchered. 88 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,680 It happened to a friend - Julian. 89 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:51,480 Besides, I'm not supposed to fly after the implants. There's a danger of the bust imploding. 90 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,120 All right, Barbara? 91 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:59,760 'Hokey cokey, pig in a pokey!' 92 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,280 Good morning, job seekers! 93 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,720 Now, then, 94 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:13,360 it's been brought to my attention that certain of the gents, me restarts, have taken the pens home. 95 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,680 Stealing the pens. Pauline's pens! 96 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:22,280 So I warn you, if it happens again, I shall chain them to the tables. 97 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,760 AND the pens! 98 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:31,280 That was a joke, Ross. Don't crack your face(!) 99 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:39,040 Now, then, job seekers, we're thinking today, d'you remember, about interview technique? 100 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:44,880 Mmm? And what I want to do first is a little role play. Make some space. 101 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,400 Well, come on! Chop chop. 102 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:53,560 When will we get onto the computers and learn about spreadsheets, databases...? 103 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,960 Piss off, Ross. 104 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,400 ..Right. Thank you, job seekers! 105 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:04,840 Now, then, in this role play, I am going to be playing an employer, 106 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:10,760 - and I'm interviewing... Mickey, here, for a job. - What job? 107 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,800 It's shoving trolleys round Asda car park, Mickey, love. 108 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:21,720 Out of your league, but we're only playing. I want to see you really sell yourself! 109 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,960 - My name is Mickey! - Ooh, good morning, Mr Mickey. 110 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,080 Can you tell me your last job? 111 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,320 Milk monitor. 112 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:35,320 And, um, what qualifications do you have? 113 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,440 I'm a good swimmer. 114 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:45,000 Uh-huh. And what other work have you done, apart from milk monitor? 115 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,480 - Bugger all. - Language, Mickey. 116 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:50,000 - What? - Watch your language. - English. 117 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:56,360 - WATCH your language. ..Never mind. Thank you. We'll let you know. - Did I win? - You did super. 118 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,040 Right. Thank you, Mickey! 119 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:06,680 That was a perfect example, everybody, of how NOT to conduct yourself at interview. 120 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:12,560 - He slouched, swore, came across as a man with (shit) for brains. Eh? - Yeah. 121 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:18,440 Right, job seekers, what I'm going to do now is show you the right way. 122 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:24,040 I want someone in this room to interview me. Any takers? 123 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,160 - You disappoint me. - I'll do it. 124 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:36,480 Ross. Well, thank you very much. In your own time. 125 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:42,400 - Could I have the clipboard, please, Pauline? - Um... Yeah. You can, yeah. 126 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,520 And the pen? 127 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,760 Be very careful with it. 128 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,440 - ..Ooh, I feel all naked. - I'm glad you're not! - What?! 129 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,080 In your own time. 130 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,640 ..The door was already open. 131 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:19,000 - Would you like to TAKE a seat(?) - Yes, sorry... Ross is quite right. 132 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,200 YOU'RE in the driving seat now. 133 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,880 ..I know. 134 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:31,360 - I'm getting these, Mike, we're celebrating. - Thank you, Geoff. 135 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:36,240 Have you set a date? Cheryl's to speak to her parents... 136 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,400 Quick, or these'll get in before us. 137 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:46,440 - Right! - Pint, please, Geoff. - All right. Brian? - Just a Coke, please, Geoff. - Eh?! 138 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,920 - Um, lager. - Three lagers, sweetheart! 139 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:55,040 - Will you have a church do? Well... - That's the woman's job! 140 00:13:55,040 --> 00:14:00,480 - First thing you do, is sort out your best man. - Haven't thought... 141 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:06,200 - Gotta be one of us. You haven't any other friends. - Thanks very much(!) 142 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,840 We'll draw straws for it, Geoff. 143 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:14,240 - Eh? - We'll have to draw straws. - Got it all planned out, have you? - No. 144 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:21,400 - Keep your nose out, then! Mike's MY friend more than yours, aren't you? - There's not a lot in it. 145 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,120 Brian said Cheryl looks like a moose. 146 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:36,000 - He said, "I can't believe he's marrying that old moose." - Never did. 147 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,440 Geoff did. 148 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,400 No, I said she looks about 100 years old. 149 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,240 Oh, Geoff, you idiot! 150 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,880 You're right, Brian. 151 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,400 We WILL have to toss for it. 152 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,400 Tubbs? 153 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,760 Tu-ubbs? 154 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,440 Tubbs! 155 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,160 London! 156 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,080 London! 157 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,320 London! 158 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,800 Give it to me, Tubbs. 159 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,880 No!! 160 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,520 NO! 161 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:39,040 You LIED to me, Edward! 162 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,760 You lied to me! 163 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,000 There IS a Swansea. 164 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,760 - NONSENSE! - AND other places, too! 165 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,760 You kept them from me! 166 00:15:55,760 --> 00:16:00,400 YES, I kept them from you! To keep you clean and pure and local! 167 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,720 - What about new road? - What ABOUT it? 168 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:09,240 When new road comes, we can SEE these places. We can GO! 169 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,760 Go where?! 170 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,360 - Go where?! - Plymouth. 171 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,840 I'm gonna stop your road, Tubbs. Once and for all. 172 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,640 Eugh! 173 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,520 BABY CRIES 174 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:45,000 - Yes, pal, can I help you? - I'm just browsing. - Sorry, didn't catch that. 175 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:49,920 - Just looking round. - Out the door, right, up the high street. - Sorry? 176 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:53,320 - For the library. - Isn't this the joke shop? 177 00:16:53,320 --> 00:17:00,720 Two pairs of plastic tits in the window, jar of fart sweets on the counter. No, it's the butcher's(!) 178 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,880 Yes, this IS the joke shop, shop being the key word. 179 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:10,640 - If you came to laugh at the wind-up willies, sod off! - I am going to buy. 180 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,480 Well... 181 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,720 whoopee shit(!) 182 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:20,040 - What is it, then, squire? Stag night? - What? 183 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:26,880 - Got a stag night coming up? Want something saucy? I've just the thing. What about that? - What is it? 184 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:30,920 Put in the groom's undies, eve of the wedding. Gives him crabs. 185 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:37,080 Bloody crab's eggs, innit? Hatch out in his bush overnight. 186 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:43,960 - Next day, he's stood at the altar, all he can think about's scratching his jewels. £4.50. - What? 187 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:49,120 - All right, four quid. - I'm looking for something more...specific. - Oh. 188 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,720 - What about these? - What are they? 189 00:17:55,720 --> 00:18:01,440 - Hot sweets. For the best man before his speech. - What's in 'em? Pepper? 190 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:06,640 Potassium. Burns the roof of his mouth, his tongue. Never talk again. 191 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,840 - No, no. It's not the kind of thing I'm after. - Hold your horses, squire. 192 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,600 I know I've got something for you. 193 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:22,080 - Few drops in the bride's champagne, she'll piss herself. - What's so funny about it? - Don't make her laugh. 194 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:26,280 She PISSES herself. Sort of muscle relaxant. 195 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:29,840 My mate knocks it up. 16 quid. 196 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,600 'Ere, put your hand in there. 197 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:36,280 - What's in it? - Go on. Ain't gonna bleedin' bite. 198 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:40,520 - No, thanks. - Put yer hand in. - I don't want to. 199 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:47,440 You don't leave this shop till you do. 200 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:53,040 - You're not leavin' this bloody shop till you put your hand in! - ..Please. 201 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,400 Put...your...hand...IN! 202 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,320 Ah, it's not switched on. 203 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:22,680 It's good, that, innit? Runs off a car battery - you can't buy 'em. 204 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:28,720 Jesus! Some people ain't got NO sense of humour. 205 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,960 - Yes, pal, can I help you? Stag night, is it? - Um, yeah. 206 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:45,880 And, lo, the scales fell from Saul's eyes and he finally saw the true light, 207 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,960 the way and the Lord! 208 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,960 At least, that's what it says here. 209 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,720 Lord, I AM tired. 210 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:06,600 ..So much for the road to Damascus. What about the road to Royston Vasey we're finally getting? Hallelujah! 211 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:14,360 ..Let's just hope we don't get a visit from Pog or Lumpi - those soap-dodging road protestors, 212 00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:21,400 driving round in their converted ice-cream vans. Pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, tongues... 213 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:27,400 They'd have their arseholes pierced if their cheeks fitted in the machine! 214 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:36,080 I'd shepherd them into their tunnel, knock out the props and see how they liked being close to the earth THEN! 215 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:41,360 Well, I welcome this road and every blast of carbon monoxide it brings. 216 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:47,640 If God meant us to walk anywhere, he wouldn't have given us Little Chefs. ..Hymn 143. 217 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,280 Drive Them Unto Me, Thy Saviour. 218 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,240 HE SNORES 219 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:05,560 Shotilla, eh? It's a long time since my championship days, but I've not lost me touch. 220 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:12,560 It's good to see all this activity on the road front, isn't it? 221 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:19,760 - Makes quite a change, someone listening to the voice of the small businessman. - Not before time. 222 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,760 Thought any more about what I said? 223 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,920 (Hilary!) 224 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,240 (Not here. Not now.) 225 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,000 Now's as good a time as any, Morris. 226 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:39,880 - (For God's sake, Hilary! I'm a magistrate!) - So what? 227 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,360 They're all sorts on my list. 228 00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:45,040 Ex-mayors, chief constables... 229 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:48,280 I'm NOT interested! 230 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:57,560 Go on. Give it a go. 231 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,640 Hilary... 232 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,040 (Put it away! Please!) 233 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,800 I'M not touching it. It's yours. 234 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,040 Hilary! 235 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,480 Wasn't so difficult, was it? 236 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:18,120 Tell you what, that one's on me. 237 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,240 Just let me know how you get on. 238 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:41,400 - And you're interested in the trolley job? - That is right. VERY interested. 239 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:50,080 My abilities to work well as part of a team and yet take individual responsibility are important. 240 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:58,920 - What work experience have you had? - I left school early... - You didn't go to college? - No, I felt work exper... 241 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:07,160 - NO qualifications? - If you don't count 20 years in the employment service. - No, ACADEMIC achievement. 242 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:14,440 - Degrees, diplomas. - Come off it, Ross. Shoving a trolley round Asda car park? A friggin' monkey could do it. 243 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:22,200 Would you say you're a fairly egregious person? 244 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,320 ..Wot? 245 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:30,280 Are you an egregious person? Do you have an egregious personality? 246 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,360 Um... 247 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:37,640 Yeah. Yeah, I do, yeah. 248 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:43,880 - I'll say some words and I want you to reply with the first thing you think of. - Yes. 249 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:47,960 - Home. - Royston Vasey. - Family. - Dead. 250 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,480 - Friends. - Pens. 251 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:56,000 - ..No, FRIENDS. - Pens. The best friends you can have. 252 00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:02,560 Everything I know about people I learnt from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em. 253 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,800 If they still don't work, you bin 'em! 254 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,840 Really? 255 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:11,960 - Work. - Everything. My work is everything to me. 256 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,600 - Love. - No. 257 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:21,920 - Somebody once, but... - Age? - A lady's prerogative. - I need it for the records! 258 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:29,840 - Let's say I'm as old as me gums and a bit... - How old are you? - 48! - Thank you. - Thank you. When do I start? 259 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,000 Oh... 260 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,560 Sorry, I can't offer you this position. 261 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,720 ..You wot? 262 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:44,960 Well...you failed the interview. You strike me as a bully. 263 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:51,000 You're ill-mannered, ignorant and foul-mouthed. You're not qualified for this job. 264 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,520 And, apart from anything else... 265 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,600 you're too old... 266 00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,160 ..Miss. 267 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,400 Sorry. 268 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,480 But I can... 269 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,400 Good! Thank you very much! 270 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:29,440 Ross handled that situation very well. Can I have me things back? 271 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,120 But how would he handle a situation 272 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:36,000 - more like THIS!! - ROSS ROARS IN PAIN 273 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,120 Oh, a bully, am I? Foul-fuckin'-mouthed? 274 00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:43,640 You'll EAT those words! 275 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:47,720 Egregious! Egregious!! Egre-e-egious! 276 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,760 ­ Stop it, Pauline!! 277 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,960 Stop being a nutter! 278 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,920 ROSS COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS 279 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,120 Oh, Mickey... 280 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:14,000 what is egregious? 281 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,680 BABY IS CRYING Be quiet! 282 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,120 KNOCKING ON DOOR 283 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,800 Hello? 284 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,840 KNOCKING STARTS AGAIN 285 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,080 Who is it? 286 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,240 Mike. 287 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,040 It's me, Geoff. 288 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,600 What do you want, Geoff? 289 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,520 What you doin'? 290 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:59,320 - I'm ON the toilet. - You haven't got Brian in there with you, have you? 291 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:04,480 - What?! - ..Look... I've come to apologise. 292 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:08,800 - I've brung you an engagement present. - Oh. 293 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:14,000 - Yeah, I'm really sorry for what I said. I love that Cheryl. - TOILET FLUSHES 294 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:18,640 Don't fancy her. She's old-looking. YOU do, that's the point. 295 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:25,520 - So, you know, if you NEED anyone in the future, maybe...? - Yes, Geoff. 296 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:29,120 - What? - Yes, you can be my best man. 297 00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:31,880 Oh, YES! I can't wait to tell Brian. 298 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:37,000 - All right, all right. What's this present you've got me? - Oh, yeah. 299 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,320 ..Put your hand in there. 300 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:49,080 INAUDIBLE 301 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,680 Stop! Stop the machine! 302 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,360 Pick her up. 303 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,560 What the hell is that?! 304 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:06,640 Subtitles by Valerie Maguire BBC Scotland - 1999