1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,840 # Go to Joan Glover and tell her I love her and at the mid of the moon I will come to her... # 2 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:17,160 Come on, guys. # Go to Joan Glover... # 3 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:21,640 - We're lost, aren't we, Phil? - I'm not sure. 4 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:28,640 - This isn't a road. - It's hard to tell. We're underneath this staple. - What's this? 5 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:32,520 This is where the road's meant to be. 6 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,880 Shall we see if we can help, Olly? 7 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:46,520 Best not, Dave. We'll only be late for the kids. 8 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,520 Always be professional. 9 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:52,200 The kids'll respect you for that. 10 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:57,680 - # Go to Joan Glover and tell her I love her... # - Oh, shut up! 11 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,480 Did the plan work, Edward? 12 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,640 Yes, Tubbs. 13 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,400 The plan worked beautifully. 14 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,520 Come on, girl. Do your business. 15 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,400 I'm coming! 16 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:37,040 Hi, Grace. Morning, Grace. 17 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,840 Mr Chinnery. 18 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,800 I'll be two minutes. Come in. 19 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,920 Your entire zoo? 20 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,680 How many animals did you lose? 21 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:10,440 Three. Pickles the chimp was from my brother-in-law. The goat was from a gypsy in Tadcaster. 22 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:15,200 And the pig was a favour from a farmer friend in Scholes. 23 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:21,240 I've got nothing now. The pig was there, the chimp was there. All gone! 24 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,800 Everything's gone. 25 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:28,840 - Read the map! - I haven't got the map. It's not my responsibility! 26 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:36,000 - Now where? Left or right? - It has to be left. - For crying out loud! - Straight ahead. - Right! 27 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,520 There's a man sitting next to you. 28 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:56,560 - Not another man, me. I just thought you ought to know. - Thank you. 29 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,080 Oh, it's all right. 30 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,320 - It's a lovely day. - Yes. - No, I'm telling you. 31 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:08,600 It IS a lovely day. Hardly any clouds in the sky. 32 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,920 You are in a park on a bench talking to a man - me. 33 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,480 - Am I shouting? - Sorry? 34 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,320 - AM I SHOUTING? - A little, yes. 35 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:25,840 I thought so. I expect your ears are more finely-tuned than an average, normal, healthy person's. 36 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:30,880 - They are important, yes. - They keep your specs on for one thing! 37 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:34,920 They forecast rain again later this afternoon. 38 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:39,960 - I beg your pardon? - They say it'll rain again this afternoon. 39 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:45,800 - Did they write it down for you in that bumpy writing? - No, it was on TV. 40 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:51,000 Oh. Good. Good for you! Do you watch a lot of...? 41 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:55,760 It's all repeats. It's nothing you haven't seen before. 42 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,320 You should get yourself a video. 43 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:04,760 - I've got one. - You can tape stuff just to listen to it or keep it in case one day... 44 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:09,600 Who knows? They can put pigs' livers inside you nowadays. 45 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,400 A pig's liver instead of a human's! 46 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,080 So they might find some way of... 47 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:20,200 I saw this Tales Of The Unexpected and it was just this eye on a stalk. 48 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:27,720 This brain and an eye on a stalk in a big glass tank. If you're lucky, one day that could be you! 49 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,400 If I'm lucky? 50 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,280 Well, listen to me, eh? 51 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,800 I must be going. 52 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,560 It's nice to meet you, anyway. 53 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,080 I'm behind you now. 54 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,560 I'm going. Ta-ra! 55 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,800 How do you shave? 56 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,360 I bet you cut yourself a lot. 57 00:04:55,360 --> 00:05:01,200 Is that why you see so many bearded sightless? They always look a mess. 58 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,880 Dandruff and crumbs in their beard. 59 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:11,400 Mum used to say, "That's what'll happen to you if you keep fiddling with yourself." Didn't stop me. 60 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:15,720 I expect you get lonely, rattling around all day 61 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:20,760 inside your house - your hostel - locked in your own thoughts. 62 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:25,520 You'd do better going for a walk. As I say, it's all repeats. 63 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:30,360 Who knows? You might even meet another... Look at me! 64 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,680 Was it something I said? 65 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:45,680 - Did you have a nice holiday, Mrs Levington? - Barbara, it was paradise. 66 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,920 It's like being in a Bounty advert. 67 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,360 I should get my bikini line waxed. 68 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:59,800 - So anything been going on around here? - Have you not heard about the Beast of Royston Vasey? 69 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,440 Barbara, people can be very cruel. 70 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:08,920 - Not me! They dug something up on the new road. - You'll give me the willies. 71 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:14,360 You're welcome to mine. It's coming off in a fortnight, anyway! 72 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,320 Right, what have we got here, then? 73 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:31,000 - I have to warn you, Mr Chinnery... - Don't worry, Inspector. 74 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:35,400 I'm used to seeing nature in tooth and claw. 75 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,160 You cowards! 76 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:50,600 You whoremongers, idolaters, liars! 77 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,920 Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur 78 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,880 where you will die the second death, 79 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:02,280 the death that burns for all eternity! 80 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,800 So...think on. 81 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,760 < SOBBING 82 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,200 Shut up! 83 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:19,920 Oh, they've arrived. Did you know that this afternoon, 84 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:25,400 some of you will be watching a play instead of doing proper lessons? 85 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:30,240 It's going to be performed by Legz Akimbo Theatre Company 86 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:35,280 and it's a show about homosexuality aimed at 9 to 12-year-olds. 87 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:39,320 Some people call this theatre an education. 88 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,880 I call it AIDS in a van. 89 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,440 Now...adultery. 90 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,080 My finest specimens. 91 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,640 Sonny and Cher. 92 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:55,680 Soon I shall be entering them for the Annual Croaker Parade. 93 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:59,840 They've been nurtured for the past nine months. 94 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,640 Fed exclusively on smoked mackerel. 95 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:08,160 Now I feel the Toad Breeder Shield is finally within my grasp. 96 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:13,800 - Uncle Harvey, I'm getting the next train back to London. - Impossible! 97 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:21,800 - You're looking after the girls tonight. - Guests must baby-sit at least once. - You never mentioned that. 98 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:29,600 Perhaps if you'd spent a little less time cavorting with Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters, 99 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,520 you'd be a little more alert. 100 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:36,400 Well, I'm going. I've got the ticket. 101 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,520 Splendid. That's settled, then. 102 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,200 Chloe and Radcliff will be thrilled. 103 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,320 Benjamin! 104 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:51,200 One other thing. While you're walking round the house, wear these. 105 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:57,280 We use them on Wednesdays to help restore the weft of the carpet. 106 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:16,520 OK, everyone. Thanks very much. Good morning. 107 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:24,400 We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company. Two Christmases ago we did White Chocolate, a play about racism. 108 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:32,720 We're back in your school to present our new piece on sexuality called Everybody Out! 109 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:39,360 I'm Olly Plimsolls. I'll get your names in a minute. There are far too many of you! 110 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:46,240 - This is... - Phil. - And... - Dave. - Today we'll do some forum work on sexuality. 111 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:51,280 Before we start, we will be losing Phil at the end of the month. 112 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:56,320 - What? - It's sad to see him go, but he's been plucked for stardom. 113 00:09:56,320 --> 00:10:03,840 - He's a proper actor. He's off to do telly and radio and other exciting things. - When did this happen? 114 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:08,760 - Last week. - Next time you see him on your telly, you can say, 115 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:13,520 "I know him. He was at our school in that really good play. 116 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:18,600 "I liked him in that. The script was good, but he's out of his depth here. 117 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:22,680 "He's rubbish in this. Turn it off, Mum!" 118 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:27,640 Thanks, Olly(!) 119 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,640 Shift over. 120 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:34,760 - Who was the casting director? - Paul Alexander. - That old queen? How did you...? Oh, right. 121 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:42,760 Room for a little fat one. That's it. OK, who's got a secret? 122 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:48,280 - Who's got a great secret that only they know about? - I have. - Dave! 123 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:55,880 Who's got a secret that they couldn't tell anyone else? What kind of secret is that? Any ideas? 124 00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:01,560 No? What if you stole something, did a crime? That would be a secret. 125 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:07,920 Or you're a secret smoker. You take yourself off for a fag behind the bike sheds. 126 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,440 What about if you're gay? 127 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,000 There's a few giggles. 128 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,520 Hands up... 129 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,040 who's gay. 130 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:22,480 I'm not! It's a hard one to admit to 131 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:29,040 - when I bet you there are some gays in this room. - There is at least one I know of! 132 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:34,080 Sexuality is a very broad church. It's like anything else... 133 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,600 that's like that. 134 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,280 - Tolerance is very important. - Yeah. 135 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:46,240 - This is what people forget. Gays are just ordinary, healthy guys. - But dykes are evil. 136 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:54,920 - Olly! - Picture a scene. You arrive home early to find your wife in bed with another man. 137 00:11:54,920 --> 00:12:02,440 - Olly, let's... - But it's not a man. It's a big, fat lezzer wearing my slippers, smoking my pipe! 138 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,760 Don't touch me, you poof! 139 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,280 - D'you wanna take a break? - I'm fine! 140 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,720 Where was I? 141 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:18,760 Tolerance. You talk to work things out. I spoke with my wife Linda. 142 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:23,360 I'm not man enough, so she lives with a female Geoff Capes. 143 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,920 Which is fine. It's a process. 144 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:32,400 - Understanding people is part of the hidden horrors of relationships. - Olly... 145 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,920 Olly! 146 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,240 Right, any questions? 147 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,440 The subject appears to be animal. 148 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,400 Porcine features. 149 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,000 But ostensibly... 150 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,360 simian. 151 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,040 May I have a glass of water, please? 152 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,640 - 'Sir?' - Not now. 153 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:19,000 Yes, also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy. 154 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:28,120 - Anthropoidal nature of the subjects suggests some gross distortion of a known genus. - 'Sir?' 155 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,680 I can only conclude 156 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:34,840 that we are being confronted by a new species, 157 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:40,760 some monstrous basilisk, the like of which the world has never seen. 158 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:46,760 'Sorry to bother you. I've got this zoo fella here. Lost his animals. 159 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:51,280 'You haven't seen a goat, a pig and a chimp anywhere?' 160 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,080 Come on. Back to work, everyone. 161 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,200 Oh, yeah. 162 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,240 Did the plan fail, Edward? 163 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:49,000 Mr Scarecrow, you do look messy. Your head's all out of shape. 164 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:57,840 I'll ask Mummy to make you a new coat and trousers. Then you won't look so scruffy! 165 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,640 Hey! Hey, you Denton girls! 166 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:07,000 - What's your business with my scarecrow? - He's a special friend, Mr Tinsel. 167 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,480 He must get very lonely and hungry. 168 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,800 No, you mustn't worry about him. 169 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:20,840 He's only a thing of cloth and straw. Shouldn't you be getting back to your school trip? 170 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:23,520 They shouldn't let you wander off. 171 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,360 GIRLS LAUGH 172 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:33,480 Oh, dear. Them young lasses have made an awful mess of your head. 173 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,120 GROANS 174 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:45,560 Did you know it's your third anniversary coming up this Sunday? Three weeks in a ten-acre field! 175 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:49,520 What have you got to say about that, Andrew? 176 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:59,480 Please. Please, Mr Tinsel, let me go! 177 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:05,480 When you're doing such a fine job keeping the crows off my turnips? 178 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,040 I don't think so, Andrew. 179 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:16,240 Maybe next month, eh? 180 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:16,240 At least leave the bag off for a while. 181 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,000 Oh, I'm not sure about that. 182 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,040 Please! 183 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:26,080 All right. I dare say, a bit of fresh air will do you good. 184 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:32,880 I'll take a walk down to the reservoir, but don't try any of that screaming. 185 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:37,400 I've got me gun. 186 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,840 Oh, God! 187 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,320 Oh, God! 188 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,920 Oh, my God! My God! 189 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,080 Girls! Girls! Come here! 190 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:56,320 Girls, come here! Come here, come here, come here! Come here quick! 191 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,960 Look, there isn't much time. 192 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:02,760 - I need help. - What kind of help, Mr Wood? 193 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:08,240 - You know who I am? - Of course we do. 194 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:15,800 Mr Wood from the cash and carry. Farmer Tinsel has kept you here because you slept with his wife. 195 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,800 She thinks you deserted her and went away, 196 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:24,920 - but you've been here in the field all this time. - Eh? 197 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,840 Let's get this back on your head! 198 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,400 No! 199 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,040 Please, help me! 200 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:38,840 - And you'll want this. - We'll see you, Mr Scarecrow. 201 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,800 You're our special friend, so don't go away. 202 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,240 SCREAMS 203 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:03,880 - Hey, Luigi! - We're back again. - Can't keep away, huh? 204 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:11,240 - She's burnt the dinner. We've had the fire brigade out. - He's lying. - Table for two? - Yes, please. 205 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:17,800 - I've got my toyboy coming. - I'll give her a bloody toyboy. Save me a fortune! 206 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:25,920 - Can I get you some drinks? - Yeah, I want sangria. - No, just pick her out a nice bottle of red, Luigi. 207 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:32,560 - Oh, Luigi. Put the Gypsy Kings on. - I like them, Luigi! - She's bloody off, look! - OK. 208 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,880 It's quiet. 209 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,640 Here he comes! 210 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:54,680 - I'm back on my holidays, Luigi! - She'll be on t'bloody tables next! 211 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,240 - I was in Tenerif-ay. - It's Tene-reef. 212 00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:00,160 - For you, madam. - He called me madam! 213 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:05,200 - Thanks, Luigi. - He wants a bib. - Luigi... - Big baby! - Shut up! 214 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,400 - Calamari - is that salad, lemon wedge? - Si, signore. 215 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:13,520 - What is it, Luigi? - Squid, Stella. You won't like it. 216 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:19,400 - I'm asking Luigi! - I took her on holiday, two-star hotel, full board. 217 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:26,480 - Don't listen to him! - She spent half her time in the bathroom, knickers round her ankles! 218 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,920 I'll bring the wine, huh? 219 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,120 - Stella... - Drop dead. 220 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:05,280 - Luigi! - Luigi! 221 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:10,320 - Where have you been? - Stay single. - Come to cheer us up? - Not worth it! 222 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:17,120 - Have you...? - Tell me how you put 20,000 pesetas in a slot machine... - Save your breath! 223 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:22,160 - Ask her why she had to leave her job. - I loved that job. 224 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:28,800 - And that 250 in my bottom drawer. - I get so bored! I have to get out the house! 225 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:37,080 - I don't love her no more. - I'm still a woman. - Make something happen, Luigi. - Please, Luigi! - Luigi, please. 226 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,600 Me name's not Luigi. 227 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,520 It's Carl. 228 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,560 I'm sorry. 229 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:03,880 - I thought he said his name was Luigi. - Aye, well... 230 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,000 - Are you OK, Olly? - I'm fine. 231 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:13,440 - Don't forget the music in the disco scene. - I'm fine! 232 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:18,480 Mum said I was artistic. I thought she meant I was good at drawing. 233 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,920 At school I knew I was different from other boys. 234 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:30,200 - They were interested in football. - Yeah! - And girls. - Phwoar! - But I liked books and dolls. 235 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,560 - Poof! - Queen! 236 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,200 - Mary! - Homo! 237 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,760 - Nancy! - Linda! 238 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:49,600 I used to walk the streets for hours, thinking what was wrong with me, why was I different? 239 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,480 That's when I saw it. The nightclub Gloria's. 240 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:58,760 I pushed open the door, went inside and danced the night away. 241 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,960 Danced the night away! 242 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,240 All right, all right! 243 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,880 DISCO MUSIC 244 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:24,680 Hey, I haven't seen you before. 245 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,720 - I'm not gay. - That's cool. I'm not judging you. 246 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:33,000 We get all kinds - gays, straights...lesbians! 247 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:38,800 - Olly! - Gloria's is a fun place as long as you're careful and over 18. 248 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,320 See ya! 249 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:46,760 My head was spinning. I couldn't wait to tell all my pals. 250 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:52,480 How could I tell them? I felt like I was on trial at the Old Bailey. 251 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:57,920 Will the court now rise for His Honour, Judge Society! 252 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:04,680 Johnny, you stand accused of being gay. How do you plead? 253 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,720 Not guilty. No, guilty. Why are you judging me? 254 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,720 What about AIDS? 255 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:19,640 It seemed like a nightmare at first, but that was a few weeks ago. 256 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,280 - You're hurting me. - Put me down. 257 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:27,320 Just like one of those fairy tales, we all lived happily ever after. 258 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,880 I'm happy with who and what I am. 259 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:36,040 If people don't like that, they can go kill themselves, like Mum did. 260 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,680 Come on, kids, get clapping. 261 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:44,240 - The moral of this story is... - Being normal won't get you anywhere! 262 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:49,920 Phil's just got a great part on telly because he bums the director. 263 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,640 Yes, I'm not stupid! 264 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:59,200 - People like me and Dave plod on... - Don't, Olly! - I'm telling them how dedicated we are. 265 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:04,160 - I'm leaving Legz Akimbo. - What? - I've had enough. 266 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:10,120 If Phil's going, I'm going. 267 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:10,120 Why are you doing this, Dave? 268 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,160 I just can't stand you, Olly. 269 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,280 I'm sorry. 270 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,280 Great. 271 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:29,600 Excuse me. I think I'm going to be sick. 272 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:55,200 BOTH: Benjamin, we can't sleep. Can we play a game? 273 00:24:55,200 --> 00:25:00,720 Really, girls, you should be in bed. It's too late to play. 274 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:07,360 - Please play with us. - I promised I'd make sure you didn't get up. - Please! 275 00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:11,000 No...! Now go to bed. 276 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,880 DOOR CREAKS SHUT UPSTAIRS 277 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:34,240 If you don't play with us, we'll tell Daddy on you. 278 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:40,880 - What? - We'll say we came down and caught you doing something naughty. - Like what? 279 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:46,760 - BOTH: Shaking hands with the governor of love. - Don't be silly! 280 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:52,160 - He won't believe that. - We know how to say it to make it sound real. 281 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:59,160 We don't want to make him angry. I once saw him beat a man until they were both crying. 282 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:04,680 I'm not going to let you blackmail me. Now I've told you. Go to bed! 283 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,160 - AAAAAGH! - All right, all right. 284 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:11,920 We'll play a game, but just for a bit. 285 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:17,800 Fetch the blindfold. We're going to play Wind In The Willows. 286 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:26,840 One, two, three, five, 287 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:30,880 twelvety-six, ten... There are too many, Edward! 288 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:35,840 There's been a local shop on this site for generations. 289 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:40,000 Now this new road... What are we going to do? 290 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,840 We could kill them all. 291 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,240 Tubbs, you're good-hearted! 292 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,800 There are too many. 293 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,680 Look, Edward, a shooting star! 294 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,440 - Shall we make a wish? - Yes, Tubbs. 295 00:26:56,440 --> 00:27:01,360 I wish... I wish for an end to this plague of strangers, 296 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:04,120 for our future to remain local 297 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:08,160 and for the new road to be totally destroyed. 298 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,720 Can I have a new dress, please? 299 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:21,560 - GIRLS SHOUT - All right, calm down. Stop shouting! 300 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:27,240 Calm down. Stop shouting. I don't know what you're talking about. 301 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:33,480 I don't think you should be... Now stop it, stop it! 302 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,720 LOUD HISS 303 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,640 What's going on? 304 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,080 Calm down! 305 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,640 What's happening? 306 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,560 Oh, hello! 307 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,600 We were just... 308 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,560 ..playing Piggy In The Middle. 309 00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:58,560 Sonny! 310 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:09,120 - My Sonny! - Where's Cher? - I didn't... 311 00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:11,840 SQUELCH 312 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:24,640 Oh, God! 313 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,600 I'm sorry! 314 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:57,960 Subtitles by Calum Short, Subtext, for BBC Subtitling 1999