YAAAH!
(PANICKED GASPS)
Simba! Pebble! Tik-Tikk!
Go and put a poster up in that shop.
(ALL) Yes, Papa Lazarou!
Tell them the circus is coming to town!
Hello? Is there anybody there?
(THEY GIGGLE MISCHIEVOUSLY)
Yes?
- Good morning! - Morning!
Can I help you at all?
Can you put this up in your shop?
- AHH! Edward! Edward! - Hello, hello, what's going on?
What's all this? We'll have no trouble here!
Look, Edward, children!
They are not children, they are monsters!
- YOU'RE no oil-painting, mister! - Do you want lollipops?
Get out! Do you hear me?! This is a local shop for local people!
There's nothing for you here!
- Demons! - Look, Edward, it's a freak show!
- Shall we take David along? - No, Tubbs.
We wouldn't want to frighten them.
Get on!
(CRACKS WHIP) Yaaah! Yaaah!
Val...am I to do all the chores on my own today?
I'm sorry. I was miles away.
(HUMS TO HIMSELF)
(RATTLES CUTLERY)
Oh, girls! I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that!
Mummy, why are you thinking about cousin Benjamin?
- I'm not! - You think the house seems empty.
- You wish he was still living here. - You wish Daddy had given you a son.
- As well as daughters. - Don't be ridiculous, girls!
We're perfectly happy the way we are, aren't we, Harvey?
Indeed. Think of the difficulties a son would provide.
The nightmare of puberty, endless sojourns in the bathroom
as Junior shakes hot white coconuts from the veiny love tree!
We're better off with Chloe and Radclyffe.
Now, Val...
if you can turn your mind from such trivial matters,
this coal won't clean itself!
(SHOP BELL)
- Excuse me. How much is this? - Hasn't it got a price on it?
- Don't think so. - Let's have a look.
No price on it. Reenie! I need a price check. What is it, dear?
- It's a cassette. - A cassette, is it?
- What's wrong? - This gentleman's got a cassette.
- A cassette? Does he want a bag? - No, dear. I want a price check.
- What does he want? - A cassette.
- Did you want a bag for that? - Yes, please.
Let's have a look. That too big? It's a good bag!
- I should charge you extra! - Got the cassettes, dear.
- Now, which cassette does he want? - No, dear, he's got a cassette.
I see! He's brought us a cassette! Thank you, dear.
- Can we keep the bag? - I want to BUY the cassette!
He's got a cassette - I want a price check!
- No need to be rude, dear. - I'm not being rude, dear.
- You are rude, dear. - I'm not!
- Where's the book? Seen the book? - He wants a book as well?
Here we are. Right, one cassette. How do you spell that, dear?
- C-A...double S... - Just a minute. C...A...
- Just put "tape". - Here we are, dear.
- Now, which book does he want? - I don't want a book!
- He wants some tape as well. - Tape? Does he want a bag?
- No! - (BOTH) No need to be rude, dear!
- I just want to buy the tape! - What about the cassette?
- How much is it? - 12 pence?
- Right...thank you. - I'll have to get change. Reenie!
Just a minute, dear. I've got the tapes. What tape does he want?
- He wants some change, too, dear. - You could get changed in here.
- No one's looking! Just the jacket? - I can put it all in the book.
The cassettes, the tapes, the books and the jacket.
So, altogether, that's...28 pence, please.
Do you want a bag for that, dear?
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Let me out! Can someone let me out?
OK, so we'll get the Penguin Boy set up over there.
Let's have the giant down there.
(GIANT) My weight is 17 stones,
the circumference of my neck is 18 inches...
Not yet! OK, Simba, I'm gonna leave you in charge.
Me and Mama are gonna go into town and sell some pegs.
I wanna see everything set up when I get back! Don't hit the giant!
(DWARVES) We won't!
My weight is 17 stones, the circumference of my neck is...
Excuse me. Are you with the carnival?
- What do YOU think? - My name's Barbara.
I was wondering if I could join your freak show.
- Oh, yeah? You wanna be one of us? - Yeah.
- Anything to get away from here. - What's your speciality?
- I could be a bearded lady. - Sorry, mate, we've already got one.
The thing is, I went in for a sex change operation,
but there were complications.
Did they turn you into a man or a woman?
I dunno. I can't work it out.
What do YOU think?
The circumference of my neck is 18 inches...
Shut up!
(PAULINE) Hokey cokey, pig in a pokey!
Good morning, jobseekers!
We have a few new faces joining our Restart Course this morning.
I want you to make them feel welcome.
Remember, we're all in the same boat. Well, I'm not, I've got a job.
But YOU'RE all in the same boat
and, as such, I want for you to think of me as your cox!
Cocks!
We're gonna start by writing up on the board...
- Can I help you? - Who the frig are you?
And what are you doing writing on MY pad?!
If you'd been on time, you'd know by now. My name is Cathy Carter-Smith.
This is now MY pad.
You've got the wrong room, dear. Weight Watchers is downstairs...
Don't make this any harder, Pauline. You were fired for violent conduct.
- What are you doing here? - This is MY Restart!
Exactly. And I am your Restart Officer.
So sit down, shut up and start learning!
Right, jobbies, there are going to be a few changes round here.
Rule No. 1 - no smoking.
I know you lot have got nothing to live for, but I do.
Rule No. 2 - I want you all to sit up straight! You, monkey-man!
You look like your back's broken!
- What's your name? - His name is Mickey.
Leave him alone!
I'll leave him alone when he does as he's told!
That's better. Take me through what you've been doing on the computers.
They haven't been on the computers.
- What?! - They've got pens.
- Pens? - Yeah...pens (!)
Oh, I see.
That's what I think of pens!
- Pauline...she's worse than you! - We're gonna start from scratch!
I'll get you dunces Web-wise by the end of this week
or my name ain't CC Smith!
Clean that board, you!
A computer is like a big electronic brain
full of different kinds of chips.
Not the ones you have for your tea every night.
Well, come on, you, we haven't got all day!
No! - You what?!
Just who do you think you're talking to?!
A psychotic 50-year-old lesbian!
How dare you! I'm 48!
Do you want me to roll over and shit Mars Bars (?)
You listen to me, you tubby little tit-witch!
These poor bastards rely on me!
I'm the only reason they get out of bed first thing in the afternoon!
You can't march in here telling them they're useless! That is MY job!
Not is, was. You haven't got a job, remember?
And they told me you were hard!
I can't believe you're such a pushover!
Get out of my sight and my Restart before I shove your pens where the sun don't shine!
Part 1 of the Idiot's Guide To Computers!
Who can tell me what electricity is? Anybody?
- Pauline! - What are you doing, monkey-man?
Get down at once! Do you hear me? I've never seen anything like it!
- Thank you, Mickey, love. - Get down! I'll call security!
Thank you.
(RINGS DOORBELL)
Hi. I've got a frog for a Mr Denton.
A what?
- A...frog. - How dare you, sir!
In this house, we do not use the F word!
This...is a toad!
Yes?
- Hello, Dave? - I'm sorry?
- Is that Dave? - No. You've got the wrong house.
- Is Dave there? - There's no one called Dave here.
OK.
Dave...my wife would like to use your toilet.
No, I don't think...
(MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)
Don't worry, she won't go in the sink again.
(SPOUTS GIBBERISH)
- Wanna buy some pegs, Dave? - I'm sorry?
I got some pegs belonging to you!
- No, thank you. Is your wife.... - My wife?
- Yes. Is she... - She won't be long, Dave.
- Get sat down if you like. - There's been a misunderstanding.
You're in the wrong house! (WIFE TALKS GIBBERISH)
My wife tells me there is a block in your toilet.
- No, there isn't! - There is now!
Sit down, Dave. My wife will begin the reading.
(SPITS)
I've nothing against...travelling people,
but I don't want my palm read!
You're intruding on my property. I'll have to ask you to leave!
Ahhhh!
(TALKS GIBBERISH)
You're not Dave.
That's what I've been trying to tell you!
It's OK, Dave, my wife will read your fortune. Cross her palm with silver.
I haven't got any silver! Ow! That's my wedding ring!
This is just a saga now!
I'm going to toilet, Dave...
..but I'll be back in a moment.
(FOOTSTEPS GOING UPSTAIRS)
Please help me! He thinks I'm his wife!
- What? - He made me go with him! Help me!
- Who is he? - I don't know! He came to my house!
- You speak to him! That language! - I make it up! It's gibberish!
He's coming back! Please do as he says! Don't make him angry!
He can...do things!
Dave!
My wife was right.
There is a block in your toilet, but...um...I've fixed it now.
Thank you.
That's OK.
Dave...
Y-Y-Yes?
Autom...sprow.
Canna...tik banna...
..sandoi bat no sera smee!
P-Pretto con shayma...
..felito cara on...
..preeto feesh kine.
Of course you can! We would love you to join us!
Oh, you're my wife now!
Ahhhh, ahhhh!
What can I do for you, young sir?
A pound of Director's sausages, please.
What's that caterpillar on your lip? Yer dad not taught you to shave yet?
- Have you got pease pudding? - I daresay.
Um...can I have some of your special stuff?
(CLEAVER CLATTERS)
You planning on going to this funfair, then?
I expect so. I enjoy a turn on the Ferris wheel.
Please, Mr Briss!
- I wanna try it! - Dunno what you're talking about.
- I reckon I'm ready for it. - Do you, now?
Come on...on your way...there's a good kid.
Let me have some, Mr Briss, or you'll regret it!
DON'T...
..threaten me.
I'll go to the bobbies!
I mean it!
(BELCHES)
- Is there a problem, Hilary? - No, Inspector Cox.
I think young Mr Collier was just leaving.
(LIVELY ACCORDION MUSIC)
(LIVELY MUSIC)
Two, please.
It's all right, Mickey, love, it's only a man in a dress.
- What are you gonna do, Pauline? - Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
(THUNDER)
Val! You're not listening, Val!
Specimen 397 - the Columbian natterjack.
Also known as...the Devil's toad!
(THUNDER)
Many are the tales attached to this poor misunderstood little fellow.
The Mapapa tribe of the Shakti hills
believe this animal to be a source of great magical power!
They do say, if one were to squeeze his little yellow belly,
one's heart's desire would be granted!
Of course, if only life were that simple,
I would have wished for a self-lowering lavatory seat
a long, long time ago!
(RUMBLE OF THUNDER)
That reminds me!
Time to make toilet.
(THUNDER)
(HUMS CHEERFULLY)
(URINATES)
- How's it going? Good audience? - Not bad.
I see you've got another one.
- Yes. Put her with the rest. - Yes, Papa Lazarou.
I gotta get on with the show.
(APPLAUSE)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Papa Lazarou.
I'm here tonight to demonstrate my amazing psychic powers!
(WAILING AND SOBBING)
Oh, no, no, no! Ohhhh! Ohhhh!
(SQUEALING AND SCREAMING)
I sense grief!
- Are you grieving? - Yes!
I sense it was for someone close!
Yes, my husband George.
Was it...your sister Mary?
No, it were my husband George.
- So who is this Mary? - I don't know.
Then why do you grieve for her so?
- I don't. - Good!
Because she tells you not to grieve!
(APPLAUSE)
Ask her who she is. Do I know her?
No! So you must let her go! Let her go and be in peace!
(WHISTLING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
But wait...I'm hearing another voice!
His name...is George!
George? Can I speak to him?
No, he's dead, but...you can speak to him...
..through me!
Now I am George.
- George? - Yes?
- Is that you, George? - Yes, it is! Ask me a question!
- Say my name, George. - All right.
- What's your name? - Annie.
Hello, Annie. Give us your wedding ring.
- What?! - Give it to Papa Lazarou!
- Why? - Just do it. I'm dead now.
There's no point in having it! Come on!
But...are you all right, George? Are you happy?
I'm fine! It's nice in Heaven! You'll like it!
I'm fading now, Annie! Goodbye! Goodbye!
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
(CHEERING, WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE)
You're my wife now!
(SINISTER LAUGHTER)
My weight is 17 stone...
..the circumference of my neck is 18 inches.
- The span across my hand is... - (BOTH) 7.5 inches!
Th-Th-The width across my shoulders is...
(BOTH) 26 inches!
M-My... My...er....
(BOTH) 3.5 inches!
It's not even a real beard!
I'm more of a freak than she is!
Roll up! Win a goldfish! Each one alive, alive, alive!
I'll try my hand.
Now, there's a knack to this! I'll just take a step back, if I may.
Whoooooooooooo! Whoooooooooo!
Whoooooo!
- Is that a bag on his head? - I think it is, yeah.
(SCREAMING)
Ladies and gentlemen...
..mesdames et messieurs... Damen und Herren...
(DRUM ROLL)
..I give you...
..Le Terrible Enfant Oiseau!
(APPLAUSE)
(BOOING)
Boss! Boss! The guys wanna pack up and leave!
These people freak me out!
I know what you mean! Let's get out of here!
(URINATES)
VAL!
Val, you will not believe what I have just...
What are you doing?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Don't open it! - There's somebody there!
- Don't answer it! - I must!
VA-A-A-A-AL!
It's... It's Benjamin!
Benjamin, where have you been?
Lo...cal!