1
00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:09,553
- Can I have a cornet, please?
- Righto. That'll be 80p, please.

2
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,756
Thank you.

3
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,358
- I didn't ask for sauce.
- I didn't put sauce on!

4
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,670
OK. Guten morgen, kinder,
und wilkommen ins England!

5
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,836
Hi! Welcome to England!

6
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,996
My name is Herr Lipp

7
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:27,830
und I enjoy you to an exchange visit
to the lovely town of Royston Vasey.

8
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,589
As you can know,
I'm speaking to you now in English

9
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,519
so you may have some worries
of knowing me!

10
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:40,795
Ja. In so fact, I was in England
since 12 years ago! Jesus Christ!

11
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,514
I stayed in the lovely town of Derby

12
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:47,235
with the two teachers...
Mr and Mrs Norris.

13
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:51,956
Oh, they were very nice -
beard and some moustaches.

14
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,798
I still have a towel of theirs.

15
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,672
It's blue.

16
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:03,349
Alles klar! So, I hope you all have
a real good treat of Royston Vasey.

17
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,109
And, please, if you don't understand
any of my sayings,

18
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,949
come to me in private and I will
take you in my German mouth.

19
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,311
Alles klar? Gut. Alles klar.

20
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,554
This sky is so beautiful.
Keeps changing all the time.

21
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,236
How are you doing?

22
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:29,876
Fine.

23
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:35,431
Mother, I'll pop down to that little shop,
get a can of Coke or something.

24
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,678
Don't be long, darling.
You'll miss the light.

25
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,553
Wouldn't want to miss the light (!)

26
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,232
(SNARLING)

27
00:02:58,440 --> 00:02:59,953
Hello?

28
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,510
- Yes?
- Good morning.

29
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,792
- Can I help you at all?
- I wanted to buy a can of Coke.

30
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,992
- I can I can't?!
- A can of Coke.

31
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,839
- I can I can't!
- You are a shop, aren't you?

32
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,315
No, I am a lady!

33
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,829
- This is a shop.
- You misunderstand me.

34
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,110
It is a local shop for local people.

35
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:33,108
- There's nothing for you here!
- I see. No problem.

36
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,630
- Ohh! Are you cut-cut?
- No, it's just paint.

37
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:40,276
- Give it to Tubbs!
- No, really, there's no need!

38
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:45,190
Hello, Hello! Tubbs, what's going on?!
We'll have no trouble here!

39
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,073
- I just came in for a can of Coke.
- I can I can't?

40
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,236
He wants to paint me naked!

41
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,396
- Is he local?
- No!

42
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,592
Look here, this is a decent town
and a local shop!

43
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,234
We don't want nudes here!

44
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,955
We're doing a landscape. Up there.
We came to capture the sun.

45
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,596
- Nothing to do with your wife.
- Say that again!

46
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:09,236
We came to try and capture the sun
whilst it was daytime.

47
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,876
He knows about David!
He wants to let him out!

48
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:17,039
What do you know?! He's our son!
A freak, yes, but a local freak!

49
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,196
Leave him where he is!

50
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,358
The attic is warm, Tubbs feeds him!

51
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,711
Under the door, I slide him my teat!

52
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,480
- Let him not go!
- What are you talking about?

53
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:33,310
All right, how much?! To leave the
shop and never come back! 70, 80?!

54
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,353
- All right, a pound!
- I don't want your money!

55
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,120
- What DO you want?!
- I can I can't!

56
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,276
(ROARING)

57
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,119
- What was that?!
- That was David!

58
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,153
And you have woken him up!

59
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,033
(GROWLING)

60
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:04,036
Morning. We'll close the guest house
this evening for a private function.

61
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,549
Can you vacate the premises by 12.00?

62
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,716
And can I get you some coffee?

63
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:13,471
OK...jump leads for two. Can do!

64
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,510
So the fella's standing there...

65
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:24,110
As I say, we don't normally go
to such entertainments,

66
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,276
but this one was really super!

67
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:30,268
The fella has a Robin Hood outfit -
the leggings and the tunic

68
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,199
and the bow and arrow,
a feather on his head!

69
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,198
As I say, he's playing
all the parts himself!

70
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,278
He's the stag that Robin Hood
will fire his arrow at

71
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,358
and he's going hell for leather
with the antlers!

72
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,199
Robin Hood chases after him
AND his Merry Men!

73
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,915
He's got the bow and arrow poised
and he's got the feather.

74
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:53,193
Me and Sunny are sitting there,
tears rolling down our faces!

75
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,836
He fires the blooming arrow
and he's shot, of course!

76
00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,510
As I say, we don't normally go
to these kinds of things.

77
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:05,032
It loses a little in translation, but...
Did you want more coffee?

78
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:07,633
OK.

79
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:10,115
Jump leads for one!

80
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,276
- Can do!
- ALVIN!

81
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,755
Excuse me.

82
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,433
- Have you been to the shops?
- Hardly. Just finished breakfasts.

83
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,108
You're determined to spoil this for me.

84
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,471
- Not at all. I'm quite...
- It's not much to expect!

85
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,910
- Once every few months!
- No, I'm...

86
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,078
- Just go!
- Right.

87
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,430
I'll be...toddling off, then.

88
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,438
I'll be back about 3.00...3.30.

89
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,278
(PHONE RINGS)

90
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:02,549
(ANSWERPHONE) Okey-cokey,
pig in a pokey! Hello, this is Pauline.

91
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:07,038
Please leave a message and I'll try
and call you back as soon as I can.

92
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,595
Thank you. Bye.
(BLEEP)

93
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,110
Good morning. It's Jacqui here
from the Job Centre.

94
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,790
A vacancy has just cropped up
due to illness so I was...

95
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,355
Don't hang up, don't hang up!
I 'm in!

96
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,710
Yeah. Now, what job is it?

97
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,229
Yes, I've got a pen!

98
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,396
Uh-huh?

99
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,398
What's an assistant food science
operative?

100
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,196
Two cheeseburgers!

101
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,754
That's £3.60, please.

102
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,520
Thank you. Enjoy your meal.

103
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:43,075
Excuse me.
I did say "Enjoy your meal".

104
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:47,353
- Oh, thank you.
- That's all it takes! Go on, then!

105
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,516
(Piss off!)

106
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,756
Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

107
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,758
- What?
- Not YOU, Mickey, love!

108
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,520
This is a good little job for you,
in't it?

109
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,235
But, you see, I'M a professional!
I've got diplomas!

110
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,512
I should be sat at a desk now
with all pens laid out!

111
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,120
You've not been
at them apple pies again?!

112
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,790
I told you they were hot!
Now, come here! Let's have a look!

113
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:20,393
Just show me where it hurts.
Come on, don't be such a baby.

114
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,438
- (Why are we hiding?)
- (It's Ross!)

115
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,793
(What you doing?! He's the bastard
that got me sacked!

116
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,639
(I am not having him see me
working here!)

117
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:37,593
Can I have a vegeburger, please?

118
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:42,351
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Um...yeah...coming right up!

119
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:44,516
(Come on, a vegeburger!)

120
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:47,913
(Quick!)

121
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,076
(It doesn't matter!)

122
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,114
Um...do you want mustard
with your vegeburger?

123
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,197
Yes, please.

124
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,551
(Mickey...
squeeze us one of them spots in!)

125
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,228
- (A nice big, fat, yellow one!)
- (Why?)

126
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,000
(I'm gonna teach
that smug get a lesson!)

127
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,150
- Pauline!
- What did I used to teach you?

128
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:14,114
Always put something of yourself
into every job you do.

129
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,995
If someone finds out,
we'll be sacked!

130
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:23,752
No one's gonna find out! Now, come on,
a nice big one off your back!

131
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,356
OK, I'll see you tonight, then.

132
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,835
No, I'm looking forward to it!

133
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,429
I've got to go. Yeah.

134
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,198
Bye. Bye.

135
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,914
Which way to Casualty? It won't stop!

136
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,076
Join the queue.

137
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,196
- Mr...?
- Bamford.

138
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,630
- How are you feeling?
- Much better.

139
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,549
Good. I've got the results back
and we can make a diagnosis.

140
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:09,311
Right. Is it to do
with the nosebleeds?

141
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:15,239
Um...no, no, it's not.

142
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:25,355
It's...um... Well, put it this way.
Have you seen Terms Of Endearment?

143
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:30,796
- No, I haven't.
- That makes it... Shadowlands?

144
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,515
- No. Don't really go to the cinema.
- They've been on TV.

145
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:39,077
In both films, Debra Winger plays
characters, different characters,

146
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,430
who find out early in their lives...

147
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,791
..that...
Well, surely you've seen Beaches?

148
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,549
- No. Is that Debra Winger?
- No, it's Barbara Hershey.

149
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:52,275
And Bette Midler. It's on the Beeb
in the Autumn, but...

150
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:57,512
Yes...it'll be too late by then.
You like sports?

151
00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:01,554
- Yes!
- Remember the jockey Bob Champion?

152
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:06,197
John Hurt in the film!
Brilliant as Quentin Crisp, Elephant Man!

153
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,550
- My test results?
- I'm thinking!

154
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:13,151
All right, it seems from perusing
your results... Midnight Express!

155
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,318
- What?!
- Another Hurt film! Anything else?

156
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,193
- Yes, my test results!
- Oh, God!

157
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,914
All right...

158
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,795
..how old would you have been
next birthday?

159
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,594
Forty-five.

160
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:33,351
Look, is there something you're not
telling me? Why can't you tell me?

161
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,199
Is it...bad news?

162
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,230
How long have I got?

163
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,396
- Is that a 6?
- It should be a 2.

164
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,478
- I want a second opinion!
- Your prerogative.

165
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:53,797
Dr Wesley, could I borrow you
for a moment, please?

166
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:58,118
Take a look at these results.
Give this man a diagnosis.

167
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,309
- Tell me, have you seen Evita?
- He hasn't even seen Beaches!

168
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,959
So, kinder, here we are
in the lovely town of Royston Vasey!

169
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:14,517
Um...I don't know if any of you have
gazed your eyes on my pink POMPHLET,

170
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:19,669
but it does give you informations on
activities we have planned for you.

171
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:24,158
And these include...
walking around Royston Vasey...

172
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,956
Walking around Royston Vasey.

173
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,835
There are many interesting buildings
in this arena

174
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,032
and I will try and give you
an entry in all of them.

175
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:40,233
Per example, if you now may look
to your right, you will see...

176
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,396
..some toilets.

177
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:47,677
Um...of course, you will be staying
with some families in Royston Vasey

178
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:51,509
and I have some boys in mind for myself.

179
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,473
Can I have Dieter, please?
Where is Dieter?

180
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:01,911
- You've somewhere to put yourself?
- Ja, Herr Lipp.

181
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,476
Schon, schon. Such a lovely day,
don't you mind?

182
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,636
NOW, HELMUT, NOW!

183
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,916
You saved my life, Dieter!

184
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,432
(I will never forgive you!)

185
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,235
So I hope you all have a real good
treat of Royston Vasey

186
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:29,069
and, oi, if you like films,
I saw film at the Kino here once

187
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,636
and it was...quite good,
so alles klar!

188
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,070
- (ALL) Alles klar.
- Good.

189
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,636
So, Dieter, do you wanna see
my pink POMPHLET?

190
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,396
- Hello.
- Hiya.

191
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,832
£12.60, love.

192
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:09,871
- Temperature's a little high.
- Hmm. Try it in his mouth.

193
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,549
Harvey, he's forgotten everything -
even his own name.

194
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,911
- What will we do?
- Only one thing we CAN do, Val.

195
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,829
Teach him the household regulations
one more time!

196
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:28,832
We've learned from past mistakes
that teaching guests is tough!

197
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:32,828
But now we've found a better way
we think is clear enough!

198
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,272
The old way was confusing,
we found it took too long!

199
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:43,635
# So now you are Chez Denton,
come learn our rules in song!

200
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,749
# The bathroom is a dangerous place
where evil germs lurk

201
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,430
# To keep clean is a duty
from which we mustn't shirk

202
00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:00,349
# Hygiene is a principle
we really all must have

203
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,633
# So scrub your hands with pumice stone
whenever you touch the lav

204
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,874
Ahhh! Ahhhhhhhh!

205
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,197
# The kitchen can be deadly,
just think of all that dirt!

206
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,075
# To clean things 10 or 15 times,
it really cannot hurt!

207
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:20,114
# Imagine all the places
those naughty microbes hide

208
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,356
- # A rubbish bin
- # A soiled lid

209
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,516
# These Marigolds inside!

210
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,798
# All we want is order,
each thing in its place

211
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,357
# To have it any other way
would be a damn disgrace!

212
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,120
# You see how each thing's labelled

213
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,629
# We know where it must stay

214
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:43,389
# Your Auntie Val's vaginal douche

215
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:49,311
# We keep behind this tra-a-ay!

216
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:57,032
# So now that we have shown you
the way that we think true

217
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,550
# We hope that you'll be happy
and know what you must do

218
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,716
# Whenever you're at toilet

219
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,911
# Please recall this song

220
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:10,990
- # Wash your hands...
- # Before and after

221
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:15,876
(DEEP VOICE)
# During if it's long! #

222
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,118
Got that?

223
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,039
Hello? Home is the hunter!

224
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,800
(SUNNY) Put the immersion on!

225
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,752
Righto.

226
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,510
We keep David upstairs.

227
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,678
Strangers would not look upon him
the way we do.

228
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:08,795
- His appearance, his ways...
- His hot, foul breath!

229
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:18,598
- His last friend ran away.
- But he's got YOU now!

230
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:24,113
Remember...he'll be more frightened
of you than you are of him.

231
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,515
Someone to see you, Davey!

232
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,551
Ahhhhhh!

233
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,196
Do you think he'll like him?

234
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:41,076
Yes, Tubbs!
He'll like him...to pieces!

235
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,714
(VICIOUS SNARLING)

236
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,469
(TERRIFIED PANTING)

237
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,591
(PIERCING SCREAM)

238
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:57,710
(POP) # Bright eyes
burning like fire

239
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:03,037
# Bright eyes da-da daa da-da #

240
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,800
Oh, is such a beautiful film, Patricia!

241
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,389
The little rabbits, they are so brave!

242
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,354
So many obstacles for them
to overcome! Isn't that right, Al?

243
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,516
It is a good film, Pop.

244
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:19,953
Patricia, the magic lies in the fact that,
although they are rabbits,

245
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:24,711
really they talk and act like people!

246
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:30,593
Anyway, let's talk about you,
Patricia!

247
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:34,120
When you gonna make
an honest man of my son?

248
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,117
- I'm sorry?
- Pop!

249
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,029
Well, you make a beautiful couple!

250
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:45,360
You, Patrica, with your fine skin
and...shapely bosom!

251
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,956
And you, Al, with your good health
and thick body hair

252
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,913
which he has inherited from his pop!

253
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,078
Together you produce superior children!

254
00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:00,432
- We've only just met really, Mr...
- Call me Pop!

255
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:04,633
Trish is a cautious person.
She likes to think things through.

256
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:09,311
What is to think about?!
You meet, you fall in love, you marry!

257
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,875
Then you come and live with me, huh?

258
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,516
'Cause Pop will have a daughter
as well as sons!

259
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,794
I mean...a son.

260
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,793
Now, eat, eat! Is good, is good!

261
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,437
You know, Patricia -
Al, he's not had a proper girlfriend!

262
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,753
Imagine this!
33, and still no girlfriend!

263
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,794
I used to weep at night,
thinking he might be a "mary-queen"!

264
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,672
American?

265
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,838
No! A mary-queen!

266
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,600
A pouf! A shit-stabber!

267
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:56,837
Then he said to me,
"Pop, I've met a beautiful girl!

268
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,395
"She works in the hospital as a nurse!"

269
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:00,874
Pop, please!

270
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,038
"She's got a great ass, Pop!
A great ass!

271
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,357
"I would like to go to bed
with her very much!"

272
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:12,315
I said to him, "Be a man!" All my life
I've tried to make a man of my son!

273
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,798
When he's a little boy, we sit down
together and watch a video!

274
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,515
- One of my favourites!
- Watership Down?

275
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:26,999
No. Is called "The Ass Master".
It's German!

276
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,475
Is about a guy with a video camera

277
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:33,434
and he goes around filming
the asses of beautiful women!

278
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,279
- He take 'em back to his hotel...
- POP!

279
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,438
Hey! What's the matter, huh?!

280
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,393
Perhaps now you have no use
for your dirty movie!

281
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,273
Now you have met your wife-to-be!

282
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,835
Mind you, Patricia - she has real class!

283
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:52,477
Not like those television whores
you like so much!

284
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,831
You will not see Patricia
making lesbian action

285
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,395
on the floor of an Austrian bar!

286
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:04,036
Now...you must excuse me, Patricia,

287
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,196
I have to go and make a piss.

288
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,551
- Al, I'm going!
- I'm so sorry. Stay a bit longer.

289
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,716
- Pop will want to sleep...
- HEY!

290
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,480
What are you talking about?!

291
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,558
You chat away like a pair
of real lovebirds!

292
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,035
Just talking, Pop.

293
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,391
And yet your Patricia -
she will not talk to me!

294
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:30,990
Why is she so shy?
Is she frightened of her new pop?

295
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:37,195
No! We are all friends here!

296
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,475
All friends!

297
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,959
Al, is time now for dessert.

298
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:49,119
You go and fetch us a Kinder Egg
each from the box in the attic.

299
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,910
Trish doesn't like chocolate.

300
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:56,318
She doesn't have to eat it! She can
play with the toy inside! Now, go!

301
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,476
- I think...
- GO!

302
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,433
You know my philosophy, Patricia?

303
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:15,394
Pop say life is like a newsagent's!

304
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,909
There are so many things to tempt you!

305
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:23,752
Some things in life - the Yorkies,
the cream sodas - they are easy!

306
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,999
But the best things in life -
the box of Milk Tray,

307
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,555
the...the dirty books -

308
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,876
they are on the top shelf!

309
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,595
You have to reach for them!

310
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:40,236
My son Al, he's a good boy,

311
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,159
but still he is only a boy!

312
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:48,915
A woman like you, Patricia,
should know the touch of a real man!

313
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,076
Feel my breath on your face!

314
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,160
I am hot for you, Patricia!

315
00:22:56,360 --> 00:23:00,638
Like a tube of Murray Mints
that have been left out in the sun!

316
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,115
Hot and hard!

317
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:04,594
(FOOTSTEPS)

318
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:09,510
- I couldn't find them, Pop.
- What do you mean?! Look harder!

319
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,757
- I think I should stay...
- DO AS YOU'RE TOLD, YOU PIG!

320
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:15,076
- I'm sorry, Mr...
- NO!

321
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,236
I really have to leave!

322
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:22,757
You see? Patricia, she don't
love you any more!

323
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:27,799
Well...you cannot trust a woman!

324
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:33,079
Hey, what say me and you,

325
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,113
we watch a video
before we go to bed, eh?

326
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,834
One of my favourites!

327
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,237
Hey, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh!
No need to cry!

328
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:52,433
# Bright eyes burning like fire
Bright eyes... #

329
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,277
- Thanks for coming out so late.
- No problem, Mr Hart.

330
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,675
Just admiring your collection.

331
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:02,634
My koi carp? That's not what
I brought you out for, vet'nary.

332
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,400
- It's Curly.
- What's the matter with him?

333
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,717
Normally, he loves his locusts but,

334
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,356
I dunno, to me he just can't seem
to get a grip on 'em.

335
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:15,632
Hello!

336
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,512
Hello, Curly.

337
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,472
Oh, yes.

338
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,639
It's a common enough complaint
not dissimilar to gingivitis.

339
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,752
Years of accumulated chitin
have taken their toll.

340
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:32,033
Oh, well, I suppose, like,
he needs just a good dentist!

341
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:36,199
Yes, that's right. Just bring him
down here, Mr Hart.

342
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:44,671
- Oh, God, what's that?!
- Just a big electric toothbrush.

343
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:55,877
- It don't hurt him, vet'nary?
- No, no, just a bit abrasive.

344
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,714
- Ugh!
- What's up?

345
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,878
These back teeth are a little impacted.

346
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:06,554
(WHIRRING)

347
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,752
We may have to perform an extraction.

348
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,916
The inflammation on the gums

349
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,588
has probably caused Curly
a lot of pain.

350
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,155
No wonder he's been off his locusts!

351
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:21,592
What I can do is clean up the area
around the gums as best I can.

352
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,236
Plenty more fish in the sea!

353
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,514
You're a very, very naughty boy!

354
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,636
(ALVIN LAUGHS)

355
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,796
And he plays all the parts!

356
00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:00,470
So he's Robin Hood and he's got
a feather in his cap!

357
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,035
As I say,
he played all the parts himself,

358
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,711
so he's the arrow, he's the Merry
Men, then he's the blooming stag!

359
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,799
Me and Sunny are sitting there,
tears rolling down our faces!

360
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,275
Later this fella comes up to me...

361
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,436
(WOMAN) Ohhh! Oh, God!

362
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,156
I'll go and get some crisps.

363
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,958
(SOUNDS OF ORGY CONTINUE)

364
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,636
It's all right.

365
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,516
It's all right.

366
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,196
It's all right.

367
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:56,156
OK, kinder, now I need everyone
to find their cases!

368
00:26:56,360 --> 00:27:00,399
Are you a little bit lost?
Whose is that? I think it's Gibbo's.

369
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,672
- OK, Gibbo, would you like to go...
- Herr Lipp!

370
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:07,509
Mrs Smart, head of German.
I think you're staying with me.

371
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:12,271
No, that's not true. I am to be
staying with a young gentleman,

372
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,994
whose name is Bobby.

373
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,988
Oh, that's me! Bobbi with an I.
It's short for Roberta!

374
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,431
Oh...that's not normal!

375
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:26,633
We're a bit pushed for space.
How do you feel about sharing a room?

376
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,871
- What?!
- Oh, not with ME! With my son!

377
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:36,837
(ROMANTIC MUSIC
DROWNS OUT HER SPEECH)

378
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,240
Let's get your bag in the car, shall we?

379
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,352
Her name? What is her name?

380
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,676
His name's Justin.

381
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,440
(NAME ECHOES ROMANTICALLY)

382
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,596
Justin!

383
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:57,509
(SWELL OF ROMANTIC MUSIC)

384
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,280
I'm afraid he's very poor with his German,

385
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,756
so I hope you're going to rub off
on him in some way!

386
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,315
I will do my best...I promise.

387
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,710
We're baffled as to what's causing it.

388
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,798
He came in with a nosebleed,
the next thing...

389
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:17,516
I can't tell you how he died, but I'm
sure he was very peaceful at the end.

390
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:24,996
Have you seen...

391
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,356
Doesn't matter.

392
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:30,516
(SHE SOBS)