- Can I have a cornet, please? - Righto. That'll be 80p, please.
Thank you.
- I didn't ask for sauce. - I didn't put sauce on!
OK. Guten morgen, kinder, und wilkommen ins England!
Hi! Welcome to England!
My name is Herr Lipp
und I enjoy you to an exchange visit to the lovely town of Royston Vasey.
As you can know, I'm speaking to you now in English
so you may have some worries of knowing me!
Ja. In so fact, I was in England since 12 years ago! Jesus Christ!
I stayed in the lovely town of Derby
with the two teachers... Mr and Mrs Norris.
Oh, they were very nice - beard and some moustaches.
I still have a towel of theirs.
It's blue.
Alles klar! So, I hope you all have a real good treat of Royston Vasey.
And, please, if you don't understand any of my sayings,
come to me in private and I will take you in my German mouth.
Alles klar? Gut. Alles klar.
This sky is so beautiful. Keeps changing all the time.
How are you doing?
Fine.
Mother, I'll pop down to that little shop, get a can of Coke or something.
Don't be long, darling. You'll miss the light.
Wouldn't want to miss the light (!)
(SNARLING)
Hello?
- Yes? - Good morning.
- Can I help you at all? - I wanted to buy a can of Coke.
- I can I can't?! - A can of Coke.
- I can I can't! - You are a shop, aren't you?
No, I am a lady!
- This is a shop. - You misunderstand me.
It is a local shop for local people.
- There's nothing for you here! - I see. No problem.
- Ohh! Are you cut-cut? - No, it's just paint.
- Give it to Tubbs! - No, really, there's no need!
Hello, Hello! Tubbs, what's going on?! We'll have no trouble here!
- I just came in for a can of Coke. - I can I can't?
He wants to paint me naked!
- Is he local? - No!
Look here, this is a decent town and a local shop!
We don't want nudes here!
We're doing a landscape. Up there. We came to capture the sun.
- Nothing to do with your wife. - Say that again!
We came to try and capture the sun whilst it was daytime.
He knows about David! He wants to let him out!
What do you know?! He's our son! A freak, yes, but a local freak!
Leave him where he is!
The attic is warm, Tubbs feeds him!
Under the door, I slide him my teat!
- Let him not go! - What are you talking about?
All right, how much?! To leave the shop and never come back! 70, 80?!
- All right, a pound! - I don't want your money!
- What DO you want?! - I can I can't!
(ROARING)
- What was that?! - That was David!
And you have woken him up!
(GROWLING)
Morning. We'll close the guest house this evening for a private function.
Can you vacate the premises by 12.00?
And can I get you some coffee?
OK...jump leads for two. Can do!
So the fella's standing there...
As I say, we don't normally go to such entertainments,
but this one was really super!
The fella has a Robin Hood outfit - the leggings and the tunic
and the bow and arrow, a feather on his head!
As I say, he's playing all the parts himself!
He's the stag that Robin Hood will fire his arrow at
and he's going hell for leather with the antlers!
Robin Hood chases after him AND his Merry Men!
He's got the bow and arrow poised and he's got the feather.
Me and Sunny are sitting there, tears rolling down our faces!
He fires the blooming arrow and he's shot, of course!
As I say, we don't normally go to these kinds of things.
It loses a little in translation, but... Did you want more coffee?
OK.
Jump leads for one!
- Can do! - ALVIN!
Excuse me.
- Have you been to the shops? - Hardly. Just finished breakfasts.
You're determined to spoil this for me.
- Not at all. I'm quite... - It's not much to expect!
- Once every few months! - No, I'm...
- Just go! - Right.
I'll be...toddling off, then.
I'll be back about 3.00...3.30.
(PHONE RINGS)
(ANSWERPHONE) Okey-cokey, pig in a pokey! Hello, this is Pauline.
Please leave a message and I'll try and call you back as soon as I can.
Thank you. Bye. (BLEEP)
Good morning. It's Jacqui here from the Job Centre.
A vacancy has just cropped up due to illness so I was...
Don't hang up, don't hang up! I 'm in!
Yeah. Now, what job is it?
Yes, I've got a pen!
Uh-huh?
What's an assistant food science operative?
Two cheeseburgers!
That's £3.60, please.
Thank you. Enjoy your meal.
Excuse me. I did say "Enjoy your meal".
- Oh, thank you. - That's all it takes! Go on, then!
(Piss off!)
Oh, how the mighty have fallen!
- What? - Not YOU, Mickey, love!
This is a good little job for you, in't it?
But, you see, I'M a professional! I've got diplomas!
I should be sat at a desk now with all pens laid out!
You've not been at them apple pies again?!
I told you they were hot! Now, come here! Let's have a look!
Just show me where it hurts. Come on, don't be such a baby.
- (Why are we hiding?) - (It's Ross!)
(What you doing?! He's the bastard that got me sacked!
(I am not having him see me working here!)
Can I have a vegeburger, please?
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Um...yeah...coming right up!
(Come on, a vegeburger!)
(Quick!)
(It doesn't matter!)
Um...do you want mustard with your vegeburger?
Yes, please.
(Mickey... squeeze us one of them spots in!)
- (A nice big, fat, yellow one!) - (Why?)
(I'm gonna teach that smug get a lesson!)
- Pauline! - What did I used to teach you?
Always put something of yourself into every job you do.
If someone finds out, we'll be sacked!
No one's gonna find out! Now, come on, a nice big one off your back!
OK, I'll see you tonight, then.
No, I'm looking forward to it!
I've got to go. Yeah.
Bye. Bye.
Which way to Casualty? It won't stop!
Join the queue.
- Mr...? - Bamford.
- How are you feeling? - Much better.
Good. I've got the results back and we can make a diagnosis.
Right. Is it to do with the nosebleeds?
Um...no, no, it's not.
It's...um... Well, put it this way. Have you seen Terms Of Endearment?
- No, I haven't. - That makes it... Shadowlands?
- No. Don't really go to the cinema. - They've been on TV.
In both films, Debra Winger plays characters, different characters,
who find out early in their lives...
..that... Well, surely you've seen Beaches?
- No. Is that Debra Winger? - No, it's Barbara Hershey.
And Bette Midler. It's on the Beeb in the Autumn, but...
Yes...it'll be too late by then. You like sports?
- Yes! - Remember the jockey Bob Champion?
John Hurt in the film! Brilliant as Quentin Crisp, Elephant Man!
- My test results? - I'm thinking!
All right, it seems from perusing your results... Midnight Express!
- What?! - Another Hurt film! Anything else?
- Yes, my test results! - Oh, God!
All right...
..how old would you have been next birthday?
Forty-five.
Look, is there something you're not telling me? Why can't you tell me?
Is it...bad news?
How long have I got?
- Is that a 6? - It should be a 2.
- I want a second opinion! - Your prerogative.
Dr Wesley, could I borrow you for a moment, please?
Take a look at these results. Give this man a diagnosis.
- Tell me, have you seen Evita? - He hasn't even seen Beaches!
So, kinder, here we are in the lovely town of Royston Vasey!
Um...I don't know if any of you have gazed your eyes on my pink POMPHLET,
but it does give you informations on activities we have planned for you.
And these include... walking around Royston Vasey...
Walking around Royston Vasey.
There are many interesting buildings in this arena
and I will try and give you an entry in all of them.
Per example, if you now may look to your right, you will see...
..some toilets.
Um...of course, you will be staying with some families in Royston Vasey
and I have some boys in mind for myself.
Can I have Dieter, please? Where is Dieter?
- You've somewhere to put yourself? - Ja, Herr Lipp.
Schon, schon. Such a lovely day, don't you mind?
NOW, HELMUT, NOW!
You saved my life, Dieter!
(I will never forgive you!)
So I hope you all have a real good treat of Royston Vasey
and, oi, if you like films, I saw film at the Kino here once
and it was...quite good, so alles klar!
- (ALL) Alles klar. - Good.
So, Dieter, do you wanna see my pink POMPHLET?
- Hello. - Hiya.
£12.60, love.
- Temperature's a little high. - Hmm. Try it in his mouth.
Harvey, he's forgotten everything - even his own name.
- What will we do? - Only one thing we CAN do, Val.
Teach him the household regulations one more time!
We've learned from past mistakes that teaching guests is tough!
But now we've found a better way we think is clear enough!
The old way was confusing, we found it took too long!
# So now you are Chez Denton, come learn our rules in song!
# The bathroom is a dangerous place where evil germs lurk
# To keep clean is a duty from which we mustn't shirk
# Hygiene is a principle we really all must have
# So scrub your hands with pumice stone whenever you touch the lav
Ahhh! Ahhhhhhhh!
# The kitchen can be deadly, just think of all that dirt!
# To clean things 10 or 15 times, it really cannot hurt!
# Imagine all the places those naughty microbes hide
- # A rubbish bin - # A soiled lid
# These Marigolds inside!
# All we want is order, each thing in its place
# To have it any other way would be a damn disgrace!
# You see how each thing's labelled
# We know where it must stay
# Your Auntie Val's vaginal douche
# We keep behind this tra-a-ay!
# So now that we have shown you the way that we think true
# We hope that you'll be happy and know what you must do
# Whenever you're at toilet
# Please recall this song
- # Wash your hands... - # Before and after
(DEEP VOICE) # During if it's long! #
Got that?
Hello? Home is the hunter!
(SUNNY) Put the immersion on!
Righto.
We keep David upstairs.
Strangers would not look upon him the way we do.
- His appearance, his ways... - His hot, foul breath!
- His last friend ran away. - But he's got YOU now!
Remember...he'll be more frightened of you than you are of him.
Someone to see you, Davey!
Ahhhhhh!
Do you think he'll like him?
Yes, Tubbs! He'll like him...to pieces!
(VICIOUS SNARLING)
(TERRIFIED PANTING)
(PIERCING SCREAM)
(POP) # Bright eyes burning like fire
# Bright eyes da-da daa da-da #
Oh, is such a beautiful film, Patricia!
The little rabbits, they are so brave!
So many obstacles for them to overcome! Isn't that right, Al?
It is a good film, Pop.
Patricia, the magic lies in the fact that, although they are rabbits,
really they talk and act like people!
Anyway, let's talk about you, Patricia!
When you gonna make an honest man of my son?
- I'm sorry? - Pop!
Well, you make a beautiful couple!
You, Patrica, with your fine skin and...shapely bosom!
And you, Al, with your good health and thick body hair
which he has inherited from his pop!
Together you produce superior children!
- We've only just met really, Mr... - Call me Pop!
Trish is a cautious person. She likes to think things through.
What is to think about?! You meet, you fall in love, you marry!
Then you come and live with me, huh?
'Cause Pop will have a daughter as well as sons!
I mean...a son.
Now, eat, eat! Is good, is good!
You know, Patricia - Al, he's not had a proper girlfriend!
Imagine this! 33, and still no girlfriend!
I used to weep at night, thinking he might be a "mary-queen"!
American?
No! A mary-queen!
A pouf! A shit-stabber!
Then he said to me, "Pop, I've met a beautiful girl!
"She works in the hospital as a nurse!"
Pop, please!
"She's got a great ass, Pop! A great ass!
"I would like to go to bed with her very much!"
I said to him, "Be a man!" All my life I've tried to make a man of my son!
When he's a little boy, we sit down together and watch a video!
- One of my favourites! - Watership Down?
No. Is called "The Ass Master". It's German!
Is about a guy with a video camera
and he goes around filming the asses of beautiful women!
- He take 'em back to his hotel... - POP!
Hey! What's the matter, huh?!
Perhaps now you have no use for your dirty movie!
Now you have met your wife-to-be!
Mind you, Patricia - she has real class!
Not like those television whores you like so much!
You will not see Patricia making lesbian action
on the floor of an Austrian bar!
Now...you must excuse me, Patricia,
I have to go and make a piss.
- Al, I'm going! - I'm so sorry. Stay a bit longer.
- Pop will want to sleep... - HEY!
What are you talking about?!
You chat away like a pair of real lovebirds!
Just talking, Pop.
And yet your Patricia - she will not talk to me!
Why is she so shy? Is she frightened of her new pop?
No! We are all friends here!
All friends!
Al, is time now for dessert.
You go and fetch us a Kinder Egg each from the box in the attic.
Trish doesn't like chocolate.
She doesn't have to eat it! She can play with the toy inside! Now, go!
- I think... - GO!
You know my philosophy, Patricia?
Pop say life is like a newsagent's!
There are so many things to tempt you!
Some things in life - the Yorkies, the cream sodas - they are easy!
But the best things in life - the box of Milk Tray,
the...the dirty books -
they are on the top shelf!
You have to reach for them!
My son Al, he's a good boy,
but still he is only a boy!
A woman like you, Patricia, should know the touch of a real man!
Feel my breath on your face!
I am hot for you, Patricia!
Like a tube of Murray Mints that have been left out in the sun!
Hot and hard!
(FOOTSTEPS)
- I couldn't find them, Pop. - What do you mean?! Look harder!
- I think I should stay... - DO AS YOU'RE TOLD, YOU PIG!
- I'm sorry, Mr... - NO!
I really have to leave!
You see? Patricia, she don't love you any more!
Well...you cannot trust a woman!
Hey, what say me and you,
we watch a video before we go to bed, eh?
One of my favourites!
Hey, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh! No need to cry!
# Bright eyes burning like fire Bright eyes... #
- Thanks for coming out so late. - No problem, Mr Hart.
Just admiring your collection.
My koi carp? That's not what I brought you out for, vet'nary.
- It's Curly. - What's the matter with him?
Normally, he loves his locusts but,
I dunno, to me he just can't seem to get a grip on 'em.
Hello!
Hello, Curly.
Oh, yes.
It's a common enough complaint not dissimilar to gingivitis.
Years of accumulated chitin have taken their toll.
Oh, well, I suppose, like, he needs just a good dentist!
Yes, that's right. Just bring him down here, Mr Hart.
- Oh, God, what's that?! - Just a big electric toothbrush.
- It don't hurt him, vet'nary? - No, no, just a bit abrasive.
- Ugh! - What's up?
These back teeth are a little impacted.
(WHIRRING)
We may have to perform an extraction.
The inflammation on the gums
has probably caused Curly a lot of pain.
No wonder he's been off his locusts!
What I can do is clean up the area around the gums as best I can.
Plenty more fish in the sea!
You're a very, very naughty boy!
(ALVIN LAUGHS)
And he plays all the parts!
So he's Robin Hood and he's got a feather in his cap!
As I say, he played all the parts himself,
so he's the arrow, he's the Merry Men, then he's the blooming stag!
Me and Sunny are sitting there, tears rolling down our faces!
Later this fella comes up to me...
(WOMAN) Ohhh! Oh, God!
I'll go and get some crisps.
(SOUNDS OF ORGY CONTINUE)
It's all right.
OK, kinder, now I need everyone to find their cases!
Are you a little bit lost? Whose is that? I think it's Gibbo's.
- OK, Gibbo, would you like to go... - Herr Lipp!
Mrs Smart, head of German. I think you're staying with me.
No, that's not true. I am to be staying with a young gentleman,
whose name is Bobby.
Oh, that's me! Bobbi with an I. It's short for Roberta!
Oh...that's not normal!
We're a bit pushed for space. How do you feel about sharing a room?
- What?! - Oh, not with ME! With my son!
(ROMANTIC MUSIC DROWNS OUT HER SPEECH)
Let's get your bag in the car, shall we?
Her name? What is her name?
His name's Justin.
(NAME ECHOES ROMANTICALLY)
Justin!
(SWELL OF ROMANTIC MUSIC)
I'm afraid he's very poor with his German,
so I hope you're going to rub off on him in some way!
I will do my best...I promise.
We're baffled as to what's causing it.
He came in with a nosebleed, the next thing...
I can't tell you how he died, but I'm sure he was very peaceful at the end.
Have you seen...
Doesn't matter.
(SHE SOBS)