1
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:24,075
I've heard of a shotgun wedding,
but this is ridiculous.

2
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,758
Hold still!

3
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,710
(BANGING)
Oh, my God! What's that?

4
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,798
David must be having trouble with his cufflinks.

5
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,310
They're very fiddly
and I haven't clipped his nails yet.

6
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:39,229
(ROARING)
Now, that's the something borrowed.

7
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:43,717
For something new,
you've got your new hair-do.

8
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,628
Over here, we've brought you someone old.

9
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:51,435
- Shouldn't that be something old?
- Oh, dear.

10
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:52,959
Does that mean...?

11
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,877
Here we go, Tubbs.

12
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,956
Someone blue.

13
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,316
(ANGRY SHOUTING)

14
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,351
You'll have to talk to them, sir.

15
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,959
Fuck off!

16
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,469
People are dying. They want answers.

17
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:07,876
Bollocks! Send Juliet Bravo down.
I'm staying put.

18
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,468
We've had a tip-off
about who might be behind it.

19
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,591
I'm sending officers to investigate.

20
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,792
Get these bastards off my back.

21
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,595
What we need is a little "divertissement".

22
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:20,994
What's she say?

23
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,236
Somebody to take their minds off it.

24
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,317
Alice?

25
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,558
Yeah. What was the name of that
theatre company come here last year?

26
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,876
Legz Akimbo.

27
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:35,231
We're actors! We demand to be let through.

28
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,150
Just drive into them, Dave.
They can't stop theatre.

29
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,599
Good girl, Heinz. Well done.

30
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:47,358
Ready for the off, eh?

31
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,552
That wing's fixed up nicely,
ain't it, veterinary?

32
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,469
Yes. Any voles or mice out there
in the field had better watch out.

33
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,114
She's as right as ninepence.

34
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,993
I know you two
have become rather attached, John.

35
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,875
It's only fitting that you be
the one to give Heinz her freedom.

36
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,957
Now, I've given her an extra long leash.

37
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,911
A bit longer than regulations allow,

38
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:13,430
but I thought I'd let her feel
the wind beneath her wings.

39
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:17,599
I'll just call the sanctuary.
Get the all-clear for the release.

40
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,716
Well, this is it, lass.

41
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,831
I'm going to miss you.

42
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,791
You've been a right good friend.

43
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:29,390
Hello, Jean. No, it's all going swimmingly.

44
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,954
He's here. Do you want a word?
(CRACKLING)

45
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,354
What?

46
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:48,518
Yes. Yes, I think we will
have trouble separating them.

47
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,758
Iris!

48
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,952
Hello, Mrs Levinson.
What a lovely surprise.

49
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,153
I wanted to remind you to come round
and wash the bedding.

50
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:07,713
Yes, Mrs L.

51
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,831
Now, do you have retsina, Iris?

52
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,996
No, I'm just tired.

53
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:15,158
Never mind. I only popped in
for a few essentials.

54
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,192
My cabinet's become oddly depleted of late.

55
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,198
Not the usual, mind,
rather the stuff at the back.

56
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,151
Cooking sherry, banana Bols,

57
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,397
- even that Advocaat Eddy bought.
- No?

58
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,956
It's a shame that not everyone
is as discerning as Eddy and I.

59
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,879
I don't know what you mean, Mrs Levinson.

60
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,310
I've seen some of the people on your estate

61
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,113
staggering around the car park
at the Chained Bull,

62
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,913
half-cut, with their skirts
tucked in their knickers.

63
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,554
Girls just want to have fun.

64
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,797
It's a slippery slope.
Diamond White for breakfast,

65
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,070
making a pass at your son's best friend,

66
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,839
waking up with a lorry driver from Wetherby.

67
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,234
Halifax.

68
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,830
Before you know it,
you're slumped by the war memorial

69
00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,271
in a pool of your own pee,
singing Lady Marmalade.

70
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,439
Never thinking your employer might
be passing on her way to the sauna.

71
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,279
£32.50 please.

72
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:11,075
And you won't forget to hang
the bedding out to dry, will you?

73
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,555
Three sheets to the wind's your speciality.

74
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,114
Yes, Mrs Levinson.

75
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,955
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS:
MAHLER'S FIFTH SYMPHONY)

76
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,829
You must understand.

77
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,396
My feelings for you
haven't changed since the day we met.

78
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,715
But I can't stay.

79
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,113
(ANGRY SHOUTING)

80
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:56,958
Not now.

81
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,515
You'll be all right, won't you?

82
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,716
- He's gone!
- This lock's been forced.

83
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,912
- We must find him, Harvey.
- He can't have gone far.

84
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,349
I'm sure that... Oh!

85
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,194
I don't like this, Harvey.

86
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,270
I must clean it up, Val! I must!

87
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,033
(DIN OF CROAKING)

88
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,234
What fresh hell is this?

89
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,839
Good afternoon.

90
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,229
- Benjamin...?
- What are you doing?

91
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,158
I might ask you the same question.

92
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,158
- Give that to me!
- Ah ah!

93
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,912
Damn!

94
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,429
Hoist by my own pet toads!

95
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,034
Why are you doing this?

96
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,835
Your plan, to keep me here
as some kind of pet.

97
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,712
Where's your evidence?

98
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,871
Is this true, Harvey?

99
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,275
The boy would have been happy here.

100
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,516
He has everything a growing boy requires.

101
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,273
You're insane.

102
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,631
And I've got you now just where I want you.

103
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:45,990
Don't move, Benjamin,

104
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,589
or you're a dead man.

105
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:59,196
- All clear upstairs, dear?
- All clear. All locked up.

106
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,630
When are you next in, dear? Thursday?

107
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,115
- I don't do Thursdays.
- Don't do Thursdays?

108
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:08,029
No. I'm away on Thursdays.
That Merrill does Thursdays.

109
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,355
- Not Merrill?
- She never does the book.

110
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,596
No. I'm forever doing the book on Friday.

111
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,393
Merrill was with the Spastics, you know?

112
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,590
- She wasn't?
- Three years with them.

113
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,358
I know Sue Ryder wouldn't...

114
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,869
Oh, no! We're closed, dear!

115
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,116
We're closing. It's too dangerous.

116
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,517
- I've come to collect a bag.
- When did you buy it, dear?

117
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,553
- I think it was on Thursday.
- Thursday?

118
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,398
That Merrill!

119
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,319
The lady that served you -
did she have a lazy eye?

120
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:37,238
Shrivelled up? Milky?

121
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:38,839
- She might have.
- She did.

122
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,156
She said she'd keep it behind the counter.

123
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,157
What? Down here, is it?

124
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,397
You see, we won't work Thursdays, dear.

125
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,829
We're "ill" on Thursdays.

126
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,271
- Is this it, dear?
- Yes. This is the bag.

127
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,358
I'll put it in the book. That Merrill!

128
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,630
I'll go and fetch you a bag for it.

129
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,115
There's a bag in it. There's a bag in the bag.

130
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,835
That Merrill's put a bag in the bag
to take the bag out in.

131
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,757
Will it fit? It makes me sick.

132
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,918
- She won't put the bag in the book!
- That Merrill!

133
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:12,271
- I'm not bothered about the bag.
- You've paid for it.

134
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,711
I'll take the leather bag,
but I'm not bothered about this bag.

135
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,878
- Which bag do you want?
- No, dear. She's bought this bag.

136
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,594
- She doesn't want this bag.
- No need to be rude.

137
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,597
- I'm not being rude, dear.
- You are.

138
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,551
- I'm not.
- I'll just take this bag.

139
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,079
£4, please.

140
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,272
- I paid the other lady.
- Have you got £4?

141
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,277
Not me, dear. Merrill!

142
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,879
It's not in the book!

143
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,116
- Just put one leather bag.
- Leather bag.

144
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,719
- Thursday.
- Thursday.

145
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,114
- £4.
- £4.

146
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,470
- That Merrill.
- She makes me sick.

147
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,670
Have you found out what it is yet?

148
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,435
Right. Now for the husband.

149
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,834
Maurice Evans! Open up! It's the police!

150
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,915
Mr Evans? Go!

151
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,876
Mr Briss!

152
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,472
Hilary Briss!

153
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,556
What about the wife? Go!

154
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,631
Mrs Briss?

155
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,760
Repeat after me.

156
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,189
I, Barbara Dixon.

157
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,038
I, Barbara Dixon.

158
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,311
Take thee, David Charles Tattsyrup.

159
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,273
Take thee, Charles...David Tattsyrup.

160
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,675
To be my local wedded husband.

161
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,189
To be my local wedded husband.

162
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,958
To have in the shop.

163
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,479
To have in the shop.

164
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,672
For ever and ever and ever.

165
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,316
For ever and ever and ever.

166
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,034
David...

167
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:19,996
Repeat after me.

168
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,350
I, David Charles Tattsyrup.

169
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:23,959
(GROWLING)

170
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,474
I'm waiting for silence.

171
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:40,798
Thanks. We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company

172
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,071
and we've been invited here to cheer you all up

173
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,475
by doing some "community theatre".

174
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,591
Now, what's community theatre?

175
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,029
Well, you lot are the community -

176
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,151
or you were until you started dying -

177
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,191
and we are the theatre.

178
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,675
So community...theatre.

179
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,519
The play we're going to perform for you

180
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,437
is called No Home For Johnny,

181
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,950
and it's for and about you lot.

182
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,435
Homeless...ness.

183
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:11,554
- Phil.
- Yeah.

184
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,990
Before we start the play,
we're going to do some hot-seating.

185
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,633
This is the hot seat.

186
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,432
Sorry. Er, cougher's union?

187
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,154
Do you want to do that outside?

188
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:24,875
We've got a contract,
and if you speak or you cough,

189
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,310
you sort of break the contract, so don't.

190
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,273
- Sorry, Phil.
- We're doing some hot-seating.

191
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,550
We plonk a character in the hot seat

192
00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:37,240
and you can ask him questions about his life.

193
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,670
I'm going to ask Dave
to choose a character from the play.

194
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,791
- Which one?
- Any. They're all the same.

195
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,913
- Ollie!
- They're of a type. Try Hobo Two.

196
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,758
- I'm Hobo One.
- Whatever.

197
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,916
In your own time.

198
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,239
Any questions?

199
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,391
- Phil?
- What's your name?

200
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,079
- Hobo Two.
- One.

201
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,077
One. One.

202
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,316
Where do you live?

203
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,751
- Nowhere.
- Where do you want to live?

204
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,791
House.

205
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,871
Have you thought
about putting your name on a housing list

206
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,958
or contacting the council for shelter schemes?

207
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,431
OK. Break it there. Good, Dave.

208
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:32,236
So you've met the actors,
the writer, director, producer -

209
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,033
founder member of Legz Akimbo - me!

210
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,390
Now we're going to take a short break.

211
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,158
I know you're starving,

212
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,670
so I'll let you get your free soup
and we'll be back later

213
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:45,952
with No Home For Johnny... Oh, drop dead!

214
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,879
- Go, Benjamin.
- Leave us in peace.

215
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,314
- Thanks for having me.
- Go.

216
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,159
- Well done, girls.
- You saved us.

217
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,476
- May I ask a question?
- Of course.

218
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:07,035
What goes from green to red
at the flick of a switch?

219
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,310
A frog in a liquidiser.

220
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,034
Wrong! A toad.

221
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,358
Piss off, you set of bastards!

222
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,629
- You're keeping Tony waiting.
- All right. I'm coming.

223
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,638
- He's your frigging son-in-law.
- Not yet, he isn't.

224
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,399
- All right, Tony?
- Cheers.

225
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,034
I believe you went to see our Julie today.

226
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:04,675
Yes, she's a lot better. She should
be home by the end of the week.

227
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,916
All right, Tony? Whose go is it?

228
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,474
It's Charlie's turn to ask us a question.

229
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,034
Come on. Should have brought his glasses.

230
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,391
I'm not the one
that needs glasses, Tony! She is!

231
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,990
Right. Getting married to him,
I must have been blind!

232
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,191
- Ha ha!
- Hee hee (!)

233
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,190
- Yellow. Ancient history.
- Charlie.

234
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,149
What is the world's oldest known vegetable?

235
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,796
- Oh, that is Charlie!
- No. The answer is potato. My go.

236
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,798
- We haven't answered yet.
- Pink, please.

237
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,798
- No. Cheat.
- She said the answer, referee.

238
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,275
- He can't stand us winning him.
- Pink?

239
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:42,913
Yeah.

240
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,680
- Who is known as...?
- Is this for a bit of pie?

241
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,279
- It's cheese.
- It's pie.

242
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,631
- It's cheese, Stella.
- Is it cheese or pie, referee?

243
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,637
- It's an ordinary question.
- Come on.

244
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,673
Who is known as "the little tramp"?

245
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,951
Don't you dare, Charlie.

246
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,349
Eee, I know this one an' all.

247
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,278
- Um...
- Five...

248
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,470
- Shut up!
- No. Four, three...

249
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,831
- Two, one! Time's up!
- No.

250
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,076
The answer is Charlie Chaplin.

251
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,397
- No. Fatima Whitbread.
- That's orange, you blind bitch!

252
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,353
- I haven't got me glasses.
- I thought you didn't need glasses.

253
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,789
No, Charlie. It's you I don't need!

254
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,390
- Tony, this is for a piece of pie.
- I'll make it really hard, then.

255
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,955
Where have we heard that before?

256
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,878
Look. All the blood's rushed to his head.

257
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,071
- Stella.
- Only place it does rush to.

258
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,431
All right. Here's your question,
you stupid twat!

259
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:37,914
Charlie!

260
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,715
- It's all right, Tony.
- It's only a bloody game!

261
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:44,195
Like being married to him. Trivial Pursuits!

262
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,436
Do you want your question, Stella?

263
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,393
- Is it for pie?
- No, it's for me.

264
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,355
Tell him yes, referee.

265
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:58,679
Yes.

266
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,310
Stella.

267
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,954
Do you still love me?

268
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,993
That's too easy, Charlie. Ask me another.

269
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:10,157
- I've had enough of this.
- No! He wants to ask me a question.

270
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,874
- Don't, Stella!
- Why don't you ask me?

271
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,958
Ask me! All right. I'll ask it myself.

272
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,514
Stella, have you slept with other men?

273
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,269
I can't answer that one, Charlie.

274
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,279
Ask Tony.

275
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,794
He might know the answer to that one.

276
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,672
Ask Tony!

277
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:42,796
Five, four, three, two, one!

278
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,274
We win!

279
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,310
I hate this game!

280
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,995
We still play it though, don't we, Stella?

281
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,675
- Charlie, I...
- Get out.

282
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,557
And so...

283
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:09,272
Was it him, then?

284
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:10,913
Who?

285
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,833
- Charlie Chaplin.
- Er, yeah.

286
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,871
Yes!

287
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,432
- So, all set for the off?
- Ja, ja.

288
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:26,394
I'm sorry Justin isn't here to say goodbye.
I don't know where he is.

289
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,751
That's all right.
I was just the same in my teens ages.

290
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,438
Boys will be boys.

291
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:34,597
Well, I'll just try and phone the council.

292
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,917
- Make sure the roads are all clear.
- Alles klar.

293
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,190
I'll wait here, ja?

294
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:41,912
Ja.

295
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,069
(HEAVY BREATHING)

296
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,237
See you next year, Justin.

297
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,037
Just!

298
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,191
I love my little soaps, Iris.

299
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:27,074
Eden Au Lac, Montreux,
the Inn in Mystic, the Dan in Haifa.

300
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,919
Do you ever collect souvenirs of your travels?

301
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,749
Well, I once nicked some
fanny rag bags from Primrose Valley.

302
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,871
They reminds me of all the pleasures

303
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:39,117
that Eddy and I have had
from holidays over the years.

304
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,915
If your Ron hadn't spent
so much time at Her Majesty's pleasure,

305
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:44,917
you may have put away a bit more.

306
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,917
Stealing knickers from washbaskets?

307
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,837
It were a mix-up at the laundry.

308
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,838
Remember when your mum
needed help being put to bed?

309
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,110
No one expected Ron to jump in after her.

310
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,992
He said he just wanted a cuddle.

311
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,917
He's not a sophisticated man.

312
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,077
- He looks like a shaved monkey.
- Mrs Levinson!

313
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,239
I imagine him in a cage,
swinging in a tyre, chucking shit on the wall!

314
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,796
Least my husband's still alive.

315
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,919
Take that back!

316
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,473
Yeah.

317
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,672
My husband's alive,
unlike some people's I could mention.

318
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,153
Iris!

319
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,109
Mr Eddy Levinson,
king of the carpet warehouses.

320
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,310
Bought one desanctified church too many.

321
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,112
Iris, don't.

322
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,869
Bankrupt, health ruined,
dead of a heart attack at 42.

323
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,151
You're not playing fair!

324
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:40,831
Pretending he's down the warehouse
when he's been stiff 20 years.

325
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:43,832
Foreign holidays!

326
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,236
You check in at the Royston Vasey Stakis
for a fortnight.

327
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,637
Your bikini's not been out
since the Winter of Discontent!

328
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,079
Stop it!

329
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,633
Lording it over all and sundry.

330
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,877
Thinking you're summat when you're nowt.

331
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:05,990
You deluded dried-up old witch!

332
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,031
With hot flushes

333
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,550
and nothing but a buzzing Phillips
Ladyshave between your legs

334
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:15,195
to keep you company on a cold winter's night.

335
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,516
I pity you, lady.

336
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,715
Where does this leave us?

337
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,308
Three all, I think.

338
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:34,792
Oh, Mum!

339
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,511
There, there, flower.

340
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,838
I'm not sure this is a good idea, Ollie.

341
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,155
The Mayor looks like he's enjoying it.

342
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,953
This play's aimed at primary school children.

343
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,595
There's no age limit
on dealing with issues, Dave.

344
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,878
Me mummy and daddy died
when I was a little boy,

345
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,434
so I had to go and stay with my bad uncle.

346
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:10,348
He used to come home
and burn the soles of me feet with cigarettes.

347
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,711
One day I decided enough was enough,

348
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:16,308
so I ran away to London.

349
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:21,355
Ding ding! Parp! Stand clear of the doors, please!
Ding ding! Mind the gap!

350
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,040
Ding ding! Parp!
Stand clear of the doors! Mind the gap!

351
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,912
Taxi!

352
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,553
Stop, thief!

353
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,240
- I haven't got time.
- I don't have change.

354
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:34,399
Very soon I found meself dossing
on the streets or in shop doorways.

355
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:35,953
It's not a bad life.

356
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,072
You get to know who
your friends are. Most of mine are dead.

357
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:43,478
I don't give money to the homeless.
They spend it on drugs and alcohol.

358
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,114
We get this a lot. I don't take drugs,

359
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,753
and I only drink at New Year -

360
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,394
although I don't know what I'm celebrating.

361
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:54,479
I saw a programme that said 99%
of homeless enjoy it on the streets,

362
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:55,919
prefer life like that.

363
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,110
I don't know what you've been watching,

364
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,276
but I know where I'd rather be at night -

365
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,039
tucked up in bed with a cup of hot chocolate,

366
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,869
not freezing on a park bench
with just the newspaper to keep us warm.

367
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,399
Come winter...

368
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:14,636
you ask any homeless person.
No one wants to be on the streets.

369
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,831
You're fired.

370
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,559
I ain't had a smoke in ages, or food.

371
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:26,435
That's normal. Sometimes we die
of starvation. Nobody cares.

372
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,996
People need to see the magnitude
of the problem. Gi'e us a swig.

373
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,519
Leave me alone.

374
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,790
I'm going before this place turns ugly.

375
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,357
Spare any change, please, guv?

376
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,232
There he is. Let's get him!

377
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,476
Spare any change, please, guv?

378
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,516
Mind the costumes!
They've got to go back tomorrow! Thanks!

379
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,870
(ANGRY SHOUTING)

380
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,151
I'll give you a nosebleed, mate!

381
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:10,559
I will not lie to you.
In all honesty, in the sight of God!

382
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,638
This epidemic is over. There are no more -

383
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,069
I repeat, no more - nosebleeds.

384
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,268
- What's going on?
- The Mayor is dead.

385
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,755
- How?
- A nosebleed.

386
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,075
You can't die of a nosebleed!

387
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,111
I don't understand.

388
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,595
The epidemic. Where have you been?

389
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:53,679
Wait!

390
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,718
Oh, my God!

391
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,478
There it is!

392
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,473
Thank you very much. Most kind.

393
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,999
Goodbye.

394
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:29,438
It's all gone very quiet, Edward.
I wonder how they're getting on.

395
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:33,155
Come away, Tubbs.
Leave the young couple in peace.

396
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,271
Nature will take its course.

397
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,631
Well, no one touched any of the dips.

398
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,317
In the excitement of the honeymoon,

399
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:46,273
a man has an appetite
for things other than food.

400
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,800
Do you remember our wedding night, Edward?

401
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:54,993
Yes. We closed the shop,
danced naked in the moonlight,

402
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,953
and you gave me one of those...
What was it called?

403
00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:59,718
Precious thing.

404
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:04,630
And you know, Tubbs, what thing has
been most precious to me, don't you?

405
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,159
Yes.

406
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,794
- The shop.
- Yes.

407
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:16,358
I hope David and Barbara
will be as happy here as we've been.

408
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,074
Well, it's their shop now.

409
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:22,519
What the...?

410
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,551
(ANGRY SHOUTING)

411
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,997
What's going on?

412
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,953
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.

413
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:37,039
Barbara, come down, it's dangerous!

414
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:38,958
What are you on about?

415
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,628
- They've been poisoning us!
- What?

416
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:43,159
Don't touch his meat!

417
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,238
Bit late for that. Hang on, I'm coming down.

418
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,557
- What do they want with us?
- I don't know, Tubbs.

419
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,869
The sale doesn't start till Wednesday.

420
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:57,835
Murderers! Murderers!

421
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:01,476
Barbara, who are these people?

422
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:04,956
Don't worry.
Just a bit of trouble with the locals.

423
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,075
What are you lot doing here?

424
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:11,358
What the bloody hell's going on?

425
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,357
Barbara, what's happened?

426
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,313
Nothing yet. This is meant to be my honeymoon.

427
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,317
What's that?

428
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,992
- It's a monster!
- Excuse me!

429
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:25,678
That's my husband!

430
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,155
Burn them! Burn them!

431
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:33,632
Darling!

432
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:44,510
- Darling, don't leave me!
- It's too late.

433
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:53,435
Edward, why are they doing this to us?

434
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,200
I don't know, Tubbs.
We've done nothing to them!

435
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,949
- We've got to get out.
- No. They'll tear us to pieces!

436
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,877
- I can't!
- Tubbs!

437
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:05,709
We belong local.

438
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:08,719
Come.

439
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:11,952
Edward?

440
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,992
Will Heaven be like Swansea?

441
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:17,833
Yes, Tubbs.

442
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:20,759
Only bigger.

443
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:35,312
(HERR LIPP)
Oh, look. A bonfire in Royston Vasey.

444
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:36,919
Real gut.