I've heard of a shotgun wedding, but this is ridiculous.
Hold still!
(BANGING) Oh, my God! What's that?
David must be having trouble with his cufflinks.
They're very fiddly and I haven't clipped his nails yet.
(ROARING) Now, that's the something borrowed.
For something new, you've got your new hair-do.
Over here, we've brought you someone old.
- Shouldn't that be something old? - Oh, dear.
Does that mean...?
Here we go, Tubbs.
Someone blue.
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
You'll have to talk to them, sir.
Fuck off!
People are dying. They want answers.
Bollocks! Send Juliet Bravo down. I'm staying put.
We've had a tip-off about who might be behind it.
I'm sending officers to investigate.
Get these bastards off my back.
What we need is a little "divertissement".
What's she say?
Somebody to take their minds off it.
Alice?
Yeah. What was the name of that theatre company come here last year?
Legz Akimbo.
We're actors! We demand to be let through.
Just drive into them, Dave. They can't stop theatre.
Good girl, Heinz. Well done.
Ready for the off, eh?
That wing's fixed up nicely, ain't it, veterinary?
Yes. Any voles or mice out there in the field had better watch out.
She's as right as ninepence.
I know you two have become rather attached, John.
It's only fitting that you be the one to give Heinz her freedom.
Now, I've given her an extra long leash.
A bit longer than regulations allow,
but I thought I'd let her feel the wind beneath her wings.
I'll just call the sanctuary. Get the all-clear for the release.
Well, this is it, lass.
I'm going to miss you.
You've been a right good friend.
Hello, Jean. No, it's all going swimmingly.
He's here. Do you want a word? (CRACKLING)
What?
Yes. Yes, I think we will have trouble separating them.
Iris!
Hello, Mrs Levinson. What a lovely surprise.
I wanted to remind you to come round and wash the bedding.
Yes, Mrs L.
Now, do you have retsina, Iris?
No, I'm just tired.
Never mind. I only popped in for a few essentials.
My cabinet's become oddly depleted of late.
Not the usual, mind, rather the stuff at the back.
Cooking sherry, banana Bols,
- even that Advocaat Eddy bought. - No?
It's a shame that not everyone is as discerning as Eddy and I.
I don't know what you mean, Mrs Levinson.
I've seen some of the people on your estate
staggering around the car park at the Chained Bull,
half-cut, with their skirts tucked in their knickers.
Girls just want to have fun.
It's a slippery slope. Diamond White for breakfast,
making a pass at your son's best friend,
waking up with a lorry driver from Wetherby.
Halifax.
Before you know it, you're slumped by the war memorial
in a pool of your own pee, singing Lady Marmalade.
Never thinking your employer might be passing on her way to the sauna.
£32.50 please.
And you won't forget to hang the bedding out to dry, will you?
Three sheets to the wind's your speciality.
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS: MAHLER'S FIFTH SYMPHONY)
You must understand.
My feelings for you haven't changed since the day we met.
But I can't stay.
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
Not now.
You'll be all right, won't you?
- He's gone! - This lock's been forced.
- We must find him, Harvey. - He can't have gone far.
I'm sure that... Oh!
I don't like this, Harvey.
I must clean it up, Val! I must!
(DIN OF CROAKING)
What fresh hell is this?
Good afternoon.
- Benjamin...? - What are you doing?
I might ask you the same question.
- Give that to me! - Ah ah!
Damn!
Hoist by my own pet toads!
Why are you doing this?
Your plan, to keep me here as some kind of pet.
Where's your evidence?
Is this true, Harvey?
The boy would have been happy here.
He has everything a growing boy requires.
You're insane.
And I've got you now just where I want you.
Don't move, Benjamin,
or you're a dead man.
- All clear upstairs, dear? - All clear. All locked up.
When are you next in, dear? Thursday?
- I don't do Thursdays. - Don't do Thursdays?
No. I'm away on Thursdays. That Merrill does Thursdays.
- Not Merrill? - She never does the book.
No. I'm forever doing the book on Friday.
Merrill was with the Spastics, you know?
- She wasn't? - Three years with them.
I know Sue Ryder wouldn't...
Oh, no! We're closed, dear!
We're closing. It's too dangerous.
- I've come to collect a bag. - When did you buy it, dear?
- I think it was on Thursday. - Thursday?
That Merrill!
The lady that served you - did she have a lazy eye?
Shrivelled up? Milky?
- She might have. - She did.
She said she'd keep it behind the counter.
What? Down here, is it?
You see, we won't work Thursdays, dear.
We're "ill" on Thursdays.
- Is this it, dear? - Yes. This is the bag.
I'll put it in the book. That Merrill!
I'll go and fetch you a bag for it.
There's a bag in it. There's a bag in the bag.
That Merrill's put a bag in the bag to take the bag out in.
Will it fit? It makes me sick.
- She won't put the bag in the book! - That Merrill!
- I'm not bothered about the bag. - You've paid for it.
I'll take the leather bag, but I'm not bothered about this bag.
- Which bag do you want? - No, dear. She's bought this bag.
- She doesn't want this bag. - No need to be rude.
- I'm not being rude, dear. - You are.
- I'm not. - I'll just take this bag.
£4, please.
- I paid the other lady. - Have you got £4?
Not me, dear. Merrill!
It's not in the book!
- Just put one leather bag. - Leather bag.
- Thursday. - Thursday.
- £4. - £4.
- That Merrill. - She makes me sick.
Have you found out what it is yet?
Right. Now for the husband.
Maurice Evans! Open up! It's the police!
Mr Evans? Go!
Mr Briss!
Hilary Briss!
What about the wife? Go!
Mrs Briss?
Repeat after me.
I, Barbara Dixon.
Take thee, David Charles Tattsyrup.
Take thee, Charles...David Tattsyrup.
To be my local wedded husband.
To have in the shop.
For ever and ever and ever.
David...
Repeat after me.
I, David Charles Tattsyrup.
(GROWLING)
I'm waiting for silence.
Thanks. We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company
and we've been invited here to cheer you all up
by doing some "community theatre".
Now, what's community theatre?
Well, you lot are the community -
or you were until you started dying -
and we are the theatre.
So community...theatre.
The play we're going to perform for you
is called No Home For Johnny,
and it's for and about you lot.
Homeless...ness.
- Phil. - Yeah.
Before we start the play, we're going to do some hot-seating.
This is the hot seat.
Sorry. Er, cougher's union?
Do you want to do that outside?
We've got a contract, and if you speak or you cough,
you sort of break the contract, so don't.
- Sorry, Phil. - We're doing some hot-seating.
We plonk a character in the hot seat
and you can ask him questions about his life.
I'm going to ask Dave to choose a character from the play.
- Which one? - Any. They're all the same.
- Ollie! - They're of a type. Try Hobo Two.
- I'm Hobo One. - Whatever.
In your own time.
Any questions?
- Phil? - What's your name?
- Hobo Two. - One.
One. One.
Where do you live?
- Nowhere. - Where do you want to live?
House.
Have you thought about putting your name on a housing list
or contacting the council for shelter schemes?
OK. Break it there. Good, Dave.
So you've met the actors, the writer, director, producer -
founder member of Legz Akimbo - me!
Now we're going to take a short break.
I know you're starving,
so I'll let you get your free soup and we'll be back later
with No Home For Johnny... Oh, drop dead!
- Go, Benjamin. - Leave us in peace.
- Thanks for having me. - Go.
- Well done, girls. - You saved us.
- May I ask a question? - Of course.
What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidiser.
Wrong! A toad.
Piss off, you set of bastards!
- You're keeping Tony waiting. - All right. I'm coming.
- He's your frigging son-in-law. - Not yet, he isn't.
- All right, Tony? - Cheers.
I believe you went to see our Julie today.
Yes, she's a lot better. She should be home by the end of the week.
All right, Tony? Whose go is it?
It's Charlie's turn to ask us a question.
Come on. Should have brought his glasses.
I'm not the one that needs glasses, Tony! She is!
Right. Getting married to him, I must have been blind!
- Ha ha! - Hee hee (!)
- Yellow. Ancient history. - Charlie.
What is the world's oldest known vegetable?
- Oh, that is Charlie! - No. The answer is potato. My go.
- We haven't answered yet. - Pink, please.
- No. Cheat. - She said the answer, referee.
- He can't stand us winning him. - Pink?
Yeah.
- Who is known as...? - Is this for a bit of pie?
- It's cheese. - It's pie.
- It's cheese, Stella. - Is it cheese or pie, referee?
- It's an ordinary question. - Come on.
Who is known as "the little tramp"?
Don't you dare, Charlie.
Eee, I know this one an' all.
- Um... - Five...
- Shut up! - No. Four, three...
- Two, one! Time's up! - No.
The answer is Charlie Chaplin.
- No. Fatima Whitbread. - That's orange, you blind bitch!
- I haven't got me glasses. - I thought you didn't need glasses.
No, Charlie. It's you I don't need!
- Tony, this is for a piece of pie. - I'll make it really hard, then.
Where have we heard that before?
Look. All the blood's rushed to his head.
- Stella. - Only place it does rush to.
All right. Here's your question, you stupid twat!
Charlie!
- It's all right, Tony. - It's only a bloody game!
Like being married to him. Trivial Pursuits!
Do you want your question, Stella?
- Is it for pie? - No, it's for me.
Tell him yes, referee.
Yes.
Stella.
Do you still love me?
That's too easy, Charlie. Ask me another.
- I've had enough of this. - No! He wants to ask me a question.
- Don't, Stella! - Why don't you ask me?
Ask me! All right. I'll ask it myself.
Stella, have you slept with other men?
I can't answer that one, Charlie.
Ask Tony.
He might know the answer to that one.
Ask Tony!
Five, four, three, two, one!
We win!
I hate this game!
We still play it though, don't we, Stella?
- Charlie, I... - Get out.
And so...
Was it him, then?
Who?
- Charlie Chaplin. - Er, yeah.
Yes!
- So, all set for the off? - Ja, ja.
I'm sorry Justin isn't here to say goodbye. I don't know where he is.
That's all right. I was just the same in my teens ages.
Boys will be boys.
Well, I'll just try and phone the council.
- Make sure the roads are all clear. - Alles klar.
I'll wait here, ja?
Ja.
(HEAVY BREATHING)
See you next year, Justin.
Just!
I love my little soaps, Iris.
Eden Au Lac, Montreux, the Inn in Mystic, the Dan in Haifa.
Do you ever collect souvenirs of your travels?
Well, I once nicked some fanny rag bags from Primrose Valley.
They reminds me of all the pleasures
that Eddy and I have had from holidays over the years.
If your Ron hadn't spent so much time at Her Majesty's pleasure,
you may have put away a bit more.
Stealing knickers from washbaskets?
It were a mix-up at the laundry.
Remember when your mum needed help being put to bed?
No one expected Ron to jump in after her.
He said he just wanted a cuddle.
He's not a sophisticated man.
- He looks like a shaved monkey. - Mrs Levinson!
I imagine him in a cage, swinging in a tyre, chucking shit on the wall!
Least my husband's still alive.
Take that back!
Yeah.
My husband's alive, unlike some people's I could mention.
Iris!
Mr Eddy Levinson, king of the carpet warehouses.
Bought one desanctified church too many.
Iris, don't.
Bankrupt, health ruined, dead of a heart attack at 42.
You're not playing fair!
Pretending he's down the warehouse when he's been stiff 20 years.
Foreign holidays!
You check in at the Royston Vasey Stakis for a fortnight.
Your bikini's not been out since the Winter of Discontent!
Stop it!
Lording it over all and sundry.
Thinking you're summat when you're nowt.
You deluded dried-up old witch!
With hot flushes
and nothing but a buzzing Phillips Ladyshave between your legs
to keep you company on a cold winter's night.
I pity you, lady.
Where does this leave us?
Three all, I think.
Oh, Mum!
There, there, flower.
I'm not sure this is a good idea, Ollie.
The Mayor looks like he's enjoying it.
This play's aimed at primary school children.
There's no age limit on dealing with issues, Dave.
Me mummy and daddy died when I was a little boy,
so I had to go and stay with my bad uncle.
He used to come home and burn the soles of me feet with cigarettes.
One day I decided enough was enough,
so I ran away to London.
Ding ding! Parp! Stand clear of the doors, please! Ding ding! Mind the gap!
Ding ding! Parp! Stand clear of the doors! Mind the gap!
Taxi!
Stop, thief!
- I haven't got time. - I don't have change.
Very soon I found meself dossing on the streets or in shop doorways.
It's not a bad life.
You get to know who your friends are. Most of mine are dead.
I don't give money to the homeless. They spend it on drugs and alcohol.
We get this a lot. I don't take drugs,
and I only drink at New Year -
although I don't know what I'm celebrating.
I saw a programme that said 99% of homeless enjoy it on the streets,
prefer life like that.
I don't know what you've been watching,
but I know where I'd rather be at night -
tucked up in bed with a cup of hot chocolate,
not freezing on a park bench with just the newspaper to keep us warm.
Come winter...
you ask any homeless person. No one wants to be on the streets.
You're fired.
I ain't had a smoke in ages, or food.
That's normal. Sometimes we die of starvation. Nobody cares.
People need to see the magnitude of the problem. Gi'e us a swig.
Leave me alone.
I'm going before this place turns ugly.
Spare any change, please, guv?
There he is. Let's get him!
Spare any change, please, guv?
Mind the costumes! They've got to go back tomorrow! Thanks!
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
I'll give you a nosebleed, mate!
I will not lie to you. In all honesty, in the sight of God!
This epidemic is over. There are no more -
I repeat, no more - nosebleeds.
- What's going on? - The Mayor is dead.
- How? - A nosebleed.
You can't die of a nosebleed!
I don't understand.
The epidemic. Where have you been?
Wait!
Oh, my God!
There it is!
Thank you very much. Most kind.
Goodbye.
It's all gone very quiet, Edward. I wonder how they're getting on.
Come away, Tubbs. Leave the young couple in peace.
Nature will take its course.
Well, no one touched any of the dips.
In the excitement of the honeymoon,
a man has an appetite for things other than food.
Do you remember our wedding night, Edward?
Yes. We closed the shop, danced naked in the moonlight,
and you gave me one of those... What was it called?
Precious thing.
And you know, Tubbs, what thing has been most precious to me, don't you?
Yes.
- The shop. - Yes.
I hope David and Barbara will be as happy here as we've been.
Well, it's their shop now.
What the...?
(ANGRY SHOUTING)
What's going on?
What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
Barbara, come down, it's dangerous!
What are you on about?
- They've been poisoning us! - What?
Don't touch his meat!
Bit late for that. Hang on, I'm coming down.
- What do they want with us? - I don't know, Tubbs.
The sale doesn't start till Wednesday.
Murderers! Murderers!
Barbara, who are these people?
Don't worry. Just a bit of trouble with the locals.
What are you lot doing here?
What the bloody hell's going on?
Barbara, what's happened?
Nothing yet. This is meant to be my honeymoon.
What's that?
- It's a monster! - Excuse me!
That's my husband!
Burn them! Burn them!
Darling!
- Darling, don't leave me! - It's too late.
Edward, why are they doing this to us?
I don't know, Tubbs. We've done nothing to them!
- We've got to get out. - No. They'll tear us to pieces!
- I can't! - Tubbs!
We belong local.
Come.
Edward?
Will Heaven be like Swansea?
Yes, Tubbs.
Only bigger.
(HERR LIPP) Oh, look. A bonfire in Royston Vasey.
Real gut.