1
00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,552
("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME)

2
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,673
(SCREAM OF AGONY)

3
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,073
Bollocks!

4
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,830
(SIGHS)

5
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,750
Yes, darlin'. Can I help you?

6
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,793
My grandson's looking
for something in particular.

7
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,150
- Stag night, is it?
- No, no.

8
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,153
He's eight years old. It's his birthday today.

9
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,796
Well, bugger me sideways!
Happy birthday, chief.

10
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:16,555
I've got just the thing -
finger in a matchbox, £2.50.

11
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,399
They had those when I was a girl.

12
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,028
There's a hole. You stick your finger through.

13
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,909
Not these. My mate has contacts
in A&E. Real fingers.

14
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,271
Oh! No, I don't think that's suitable.

15
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,471
Foot in a shoebox, £3.99?

16
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,438
- Come along, Francis.
- 'Ere, listen.

17
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,398
This is brilliant. Three drops on the bog roll -

18
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,949
gives your mum cystitis.

19
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,799
- Grandma, are you broad-minded?
- I'm sorry?

20
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,959
- Do you like a laugh?
- I enjoy the "News Huddlines".

21
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:51,756
This'll put a smile on your face.
Three-speed, £21.99.

22
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,110
- Well, really!
- All right. £17.50.

23
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,748
But don't tell your mates. They'll all want one.

24
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:01,115
I think we'll go to Beatties instead.
You're disgusting.

25
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,714
- Disgusting!
- Jesus.

26
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,189
Some people got no sense of humour.

27
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,431
(SIGHS)

28
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,352
- Erm... £17.50?
- Yeah.

29
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,711
All right, but I'll need the batteries as well.

30
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:37,838
(DJ) This one's for Sharlene
on the Carol E Scott Ward.

31
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:42,039
She's 14 years old today
and having a termination.

32
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:47,832
Here's the Bay City Rollers
and "Bye Bye Baby".

33
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,355
I 'm surprised you've changed your mind, Lance.

34
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:53,592
When I made my offer,
you were dead against it.

35
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:58,117
I'm desperate, Mike.
I hate this unidextrous life.

36
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,511
- Book me in! Stick an arm on!
- Whoa! Press pause.

37
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,114
- Rewind. It's not that simple.
- Why not?

38
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,914
You said you could help me jump the queue.

39
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,514
I can, but we have to be careful.

40
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,114
My doctor chum has a reputation to protect.

41
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:14,840
There are technical considerations -

42
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,913
donor availability, tissue typing, theatre access.

43
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,548
How about Wednesday?

44
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,872
- What's goin' on?
- Keep it down. We're almost in!

45
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,190
It's like "Escape from bloody Colditz".

46
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,397
- We have to be discreet.
- All above board, ain't it?

47
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,917
Yeah, just...treat it
as your own personal BUPA.

48
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,190
I won't do it, King. I won't!

49
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,114
You will. You wouldn't
want the GMC to find out

50
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,555
about all those kidneys in your lock-up.

51
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,917
Three chest freezers
full to the brim, and not with peas.

52
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,311
You swine! They're specimens
for legitimate research.

53
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,755
- Tell it to the judge.
- Everything all right, Mike?

54
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,520
Yes, yes. We're just discussing procedure.

55
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:03,759
Very well. Let's put him under.

56
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,398
Wesley! Leave the model eye alone.
He's over here!

57
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,190
Is that it?

58
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:37,038
Well, I reckon that donor's
done me a real favour...

59
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,196
whoever he was.

60
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,275
(CHUCKLES)

61
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:38,229
Get well soon.

62
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,713
Oh!

63
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,479
Oh!

64
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,517
Noooooo!

65
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,518
I know you're in there. It's no use pretendin'.

66
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,392
(GASPS)

67
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,238
Where the 'ell have you been?
This is important.

68
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,355
I thought I heard an ice cream van.

69
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,513
Don't mess with Lisgoe, Barry.
We could be out on our arses.

70
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:43,231
We'll be all right.
Hey, have you got them Quavers?

71
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,796
Ta.

72
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:51,397
It's JG Debt Recovery.
You owe six weeks on that telly.

73
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,950
If you don't pay us, we'll have to take it.

74
00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,469
- Maybe she's out.
- No, I can smell fried onions.

75
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,517
You don't have to pay the whole amount.
We'll have a talk.

76
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:09,395
- She's not comin'.
- Will you shut your face?

77
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,194
We can't just give up. We need the money.

78
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,238
But I'm starvin'! Let's go to Raw Egg.

79
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,273
For Christ's sake!
You just scoffed a mixed grill!

80
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,557
- Don't you ever stop eatin'?
- Them fried onions set me off.

81
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:25,918
- You know what I'm like.
- I don't want to use force!

82
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,953
Don't say that, Glen. You'll scare her.

83
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,430
- That's the idea.
- But she's an old woman.

84
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,637
- She can't be more than 60.
- That's retired.

85
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,037
It's not old these days. Look at Shirley Bassey.

86
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:42,915
Get off me fuckin' doorstep, the pair o' you!

87
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:50,079
- Oh! Where are you goin'?
- We don't want any trouble!

88
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:54,153
What are you doin'? No! Get off us! Don't!

89
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,999
Don't! You'll make her madder!

90
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,270
Mrs Eyre, if you don't pay, we'll take the TV.

91
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,432
There's no TV here.
You've got the wrong house!

92
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,599
- See? She hasn't got a telly.
- She has! You can hear it!

93
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,234
That or she's having David Dickinson for lunch!

94
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,556
Come on! I'll buy you a pasty.

95
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:15,952
- (BANGS DOOR)
- Don't! If Lisgoe find out...

96
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,720
- Go on!
- What you doin'?

97
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,109
You great fat, clumsy sod!
Now look what you've done.

98
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,552
It's not my fault I'm large. Tell her, Glen.

99
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,792
- He's a diabetic.
- He's a fat fuckin' bastard!

100
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,117
- That pot cost £15.
- I'm sorry.

101
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,033
Sorry's no good, you big ape. I want the money.

102
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:42,556
I've only got a fiver.
I was gonna have scampi for lunch.

103
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,955
What about the other ten?

104
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,557
Glen?

105
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,991
Bloody 'ell!

106
00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:02,036
Now, piss off, the pair o' you,
before I call the police!

107
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,390
(SOBS)

108
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,720
You do well to cry, Barry Banks.

109
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,519
You'll have to explain that to Lisgoe.

110
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:16,117
It's not that. I was lookin'
forward to that scampi.

111
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,396
(MUSICAL JINGLE)

112
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:23,918
Oh! Mrs Eyre! Can you lend me
a quid for a King Cone?

113
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,878
Glen, I told you to stop him!

114
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,671
You've got to realise, Lance.

115
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,877
Limbs don't grow on trees.
It was a snap decision.

116
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,429
- But the arm of a woman!
- I know!

117
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,750
Why, Mike? It's not even on right.

118
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,435
You told me you were desperate.
A donor was available.

119
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,875
- You'd be waiting years...
- All right.

120
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,508
Cheer up. Look on the bright side.

121
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,548
You can open a jam jar
and hold your tiddly in two hands.

122
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:02,515
Any bother, don't hesitate
to call me, day or night.

123
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,752
Apart from night. Good luck, lad.

124
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,709
Sorry. Force of habit.

125
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:55,399
Right. Off you go, then.

126
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:04,829
- Oh, shit!
- Oh! Blood and sand!

127
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,549
- What's goin' on?
- Nothin'. I'm all right.

128
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,955
- All right, Lance?
- Keep away from me.

129
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,913
You look to be in some distress.

130
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,640
- I'll get yon key for you.
- No...

131
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,709
- Thou's got a lady's arm.
- I haven't.

132
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,440
You have. 'Tis all girlish and fair.

133
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,393
Just 'elp us get this door open.

134
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,150
(SNIGGERS)

135
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,311
Come on!

136
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:40,635
You see, the doctors can
only work with what's available.

137
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:44,230
- I've been waiting so long.
- I understand, pal.

138
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:47,591
But I can build it up, work on it,

139
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,876
make it do whatever I want.

140
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:55,200
Good luck, mate. Thou's bound
to have some teething trouble.

141
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,391
- Cheers.
- Oh, cheers.

142
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,549
So, this is your first scan, Barbara.

143
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,871
Won't be long now. Have you felt it kickin'?

144
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:09,157
(GRUFF VOICE) Yeah.
I've heard it talkin', an' all.

145
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,719
What?

146
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:14,555
Yeah. It says things
like "Let me out!" an' that.

147
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,153
Oh.

148
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:21,438
Speaking of which,
where is it gonna come out?

149
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,478
One thing that's essential
before you start embalming

150
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:28,474
is to give them a good clean,
then shampoo their hair.

151
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,955
Wash & Go's the best, in my experience.

152
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:35,830
Quite appropriate, I suppose!
Then you plug the cavities.

153
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,913
Be careful when pumping in
the formaldehyde and glycerine.

154
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:44,835
Lose concentration and Steptoe
ends up looking like Action Man.

155
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,838
Or the Michelin Man, as happened to me once,

156
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,958
when I got distracted by "Test Match Special".

157
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,954
Mmm... Don't think it's easy, though.

158
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,715
Initially, I could hardly
keep me Shreddies down -

159
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:03,317
the smell of chemicals
and warm farts, them all lying there.

160
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,914
Mr Fuller was nice, though. "Owen," he said,

161
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,275
"I was just like you when I started."

162
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,910
My first one was pulled out
of the Ouse by Selby Abbey,

163
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,071
belly like a balloon.

164
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,591
I stuck a scalpel in her, all this gas comes out.

165
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,230
The bobby on duty filled up
his helmet with sick.

166
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,391
I had to laugh.

167
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,349
Mind you, drownings is always the worst.

168
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,193
It's apparently a very peaceful way to go,

169
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,351
but how they know, I can't think.

170
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:35,479
If you've drowned,
there's no way of letting on how it went,

171
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,871
unless you go down three times,
like in the films.

172
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:43,431
You could have a word
with somebody on the way back under.

173
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:47,718
"I'm drowning now
and I wouldn't mind being rescued,

174
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,429
"but I want you to know that it's lovely."

175
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:58,636
People think we must have
a morbid sense of humour,

176
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,678
but I'm very fond of Arthur Askey.

177
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,070
When you've been here on Christmas morning

178
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,676
with some poor woman
screaming and screaming

179
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,709
because her kiddie's gone under
the wheels of a Vauxhall Astra,

180
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,952
all the mystery goes out of it somehow.

181
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:21,593
No... No God.

182
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:27,399
So, I comes in one time,
there's a new fella. Young,

183
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:32,031
a thing in his eyebrow,
like the silver balls on cakes.

184
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,909
I says, "Who's this??"
Fuller says they're restructuring,

185
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,071
and this new lad, Tom,

186
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,437
will be taking some
of the weight off my shoulders.

187
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,989
I'm not happy, am I?

188
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,596
I've got a system.
I like things the way they are.

189
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,991
Tom's not a bad lad, but he doesn't know a lot.

190
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,276
He says, "Excuse me. I'm a bit green."

191
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:57,035
I says, "Well, you'll fit in around here, then."

192
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:04,071
Then I comes in this morning,
and Fuller says,

193
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:07,437
"We'll have to let you go, Owen."

194
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,355
I says, "Let me go??" He said, "Yes.

195
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:16,149
"There's one or two questions
we'll have to ask.

196
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:20,108
"Tom's been keeping an eye on you.

197
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,511
"There's things gone astray.

198
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,355
"Bits gone astray...

199
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:33,311
"and certain... activities been observed."

200
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,430
I said, "I'm paid to plug their cavities."

201
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,398
He said, "Not all of them, sunshine."

202
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,869
Is it wrong?

203
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,990
I dunno.

204
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,670
You know what they say...

205
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,276
The only things you ever regret

206
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,908
are the things you never do.

207
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,191
(SNORES)

208
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,148
(BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM)

209
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,718
I look like Judy Finnegan!

210
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,677
Right!

211
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,430
I think a celebration is in order.

212
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:36,117
(MUSIC: "WHEN I'M CLEANING
WINDOWS" BY GEORGE FORMBY)

213
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:49,071
(GREEK MC) Thank you, Iris.
The beautiful Iris there.

214
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:53,319
I have a real treat for you now, gentlemen.

215
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,755
She is a new girl.

216
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,876
Please...

217
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:03,676
give a big round of applause for Queenie!

218
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,112
(MUSIC: "GRANGE HILL" THEME)

219
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:27,396
Oh, don't mind if I do.

220
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,630
Hey, you know the rules - no touching.

221
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,355
- It wasn't me.
- Right. That's it.

222
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,356
(MAN) Right, you two.
This is the last chance saloon.

223
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,909
How much did you collect last week?

224
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:53,317
- Er...
- Six pound. Six bloody pound.

225
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,199
And that were down a sofa you brung in.

226
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,669
- Is there any sandwiches?
- Shut up!

227
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,988
Do you know what your target was?

228
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:05,197
500 bucks. Only 496 short.

229
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,312
- Sorry, Mr Lisgoe. We had...
- I know what it is.

230
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,712
You're soft as shite.
You'll re-train or else you're out.

231
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:16,316
- You, Fatty Arbuckle...
- I'm not fat, I'm large.

232
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,597
- Here's 30 quid.
- Thanks! I'll get some pop.

233
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,593
- Do you want owt, Glen?
- Pay attention!

234
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,115
We're role-playing. You owe that £30,

235
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,312
and Twinkletoes here's gonna try
and get it off you.

236
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,910
(KNOCKS)

237
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:38,159
- Got that money, Mr Baggs?
- Yeah, here it is. Ten...

238
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,511
No, you thick pig! It's not that easy, is it?

239
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,831
Put up a fight like they do with you.

240
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:49,154
- Oh, just give us the money.
- No. Come back Thursday.

241
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,834
I'm not playing now. Give us that £30.

242
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,471
You can't have it. Me mam's
having her legs replaced.

243
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,474
Give me that, you stupid ass!
This isn't your money.

244
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,108
It's just for demonstration. You're the joe.

245
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,795
You owe Hammonds £30.
I'm gonna get it off you.

246
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:14,111
You resist me,
and I'll show you how it's done.

247
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:18,313
- You'll see it's not that easy.
- Is that right?

248
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,994
Yeah. You've been sat behind a desk too long.

249
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:24,550
- Have I?
- Barry, just get on with it.

250
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,276
Sit down.

251
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:34,875
Right. So, this is me house, all here.

252
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,191
Oh!

253
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:42,797
Oh, that's nice. I'll count me lovely money.

254
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,116
Open this fuckin' door!

255
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,710
Oh! Don't you talk to me like that.

256
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,030
You're not havin' this money I owe you.

257
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,871
Oh, where did they find you?

258
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,190
In the Atlantic, blowin' water out your head?

259
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,477
- You what?
- You savin' up for liposuction?

260
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,797
They'd need six skips
to empty you, you lardy sod!

261
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,036
Are you as thick as you are fat?

262
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,919
If you think I'm leavin'
without £30, you must be.

263
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,799
What kind of diseased prick did you drip off?

264
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:19,437
- Glen, he's being 'orrible!
- Give it 'ere, you big fanny!

265
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:23,030
I'll take another instalment
while I'm 'ere. Got the idea?

266
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:28,678
Now go and earn me some fuckin'
money or I'll cut your fat! OK?

267
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,832
- Barry?
- Right!

268
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,110
(KNOCKS)

269
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,039
Who is it?

270
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,636
We've come for your payment, Mrs Halliwell.

271
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:51,078
Oh, I'm very sorry.
It must have slipped me mind.

272
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,708
I'll get me purse, you can have it now.

273
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:58,198
- Smashing, love. We'll just...
- (SCREECHES) Give us the money!

274
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,029
Give us the money! Give us the money!

275
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,314
- Lance, please!
- It's alive, I tell you!

276
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,472
I've told you. It's a reaction.
Your mind's playing tricks.

277
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,119
Playing tricks?!

278
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,999
I spent this afternoon clamped
to some blind bastard.

279
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,118
We went down the library
and picked out talking books!

280
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,397
There's something wrong
with this arm. It's possessed!

281
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,831
- Don't be so daft.
- Where did it come from?

282
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,434
- It was donated.
- You're lying! Tell me!

283
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,388
Let's just say the donor forgot
to fill out the donor card.

284
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,998
Whose were it?

285
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,869
I don't know. I just pick bits
out the box by the incinerator.

286
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:43,714
- What?
- They're only gonna burn 'em!

287
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,593
- You've no records?!
- What does it matter?

288
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,394
It's your arm now. Don't dig up the past.

289
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,551
When the shit's been shat...

290
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,870
I'll shit you.

291
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:07,990
(GRUNTS)

292
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,230
How very generous! Thank you.

293
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,391
Fuck off!

294
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,390
Oh, Gawd!

295
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,110
I ain't sayin' no bleedin' Hail Marys!

296
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,910
(GROANS)

297
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,554
Jesus H Christ!

298
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,234
(YELLS IN FRIGHT)

299
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:15,116
- What do you want from me?
- I am your friend.

300
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,595
- No.
- Yes.

301
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,910
I desire only to help you.

302
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,634
You're not my arm!

303
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:27,157
I am. I belong to you,
just as you belong to me.

304
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,830
No. You're her arm. That nun's.

305
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,953
Give in to it, Lance Longthorn.
You are mine now.

306
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:39,676
Together, we will continue
my work...my work...

307
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,950
(YELLS OUT)

308
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:52,954
I 'm goin' mad. I'm crackin' up!

309
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,236
OK...

310
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,960
Goodbye, Sister.

311
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,316
(LAUGHS)

312
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,871
Ooh!

313
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,876
Ow!

314
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,355
Ah! No!

315
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,995
Ah... Ah...

316
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:54,395
Arghhh!

317
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,714
What do you want?

318
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,633
How are you feelin'?

319
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,679
Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

320
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,349
Can I offer you a lift?

321
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:28,153
Yeah... Take me home.

322
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:41,157
So, you got any new lines in?
Any amusing jokes or tricks?

323
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,880
Have a look in that pocket there.

324
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:48,990
Open it, then.

325
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,158
- What is it?
- The "Jolly Roger".

326
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,834
It looks like a cock in a box.

327
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,797
It is.

328
00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:01,350
Well, I was passing the incinerator, so, er...

329
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:05,598
(BOTH LAUGH)

330
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,431
Home, James.

331
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:13,555
Ta-ra, then.

332
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,711
(HORN HONKS)

333
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,794
Oh, no. You're gone!

334
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,110
Stop it. I'm rid of you!

335
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:30,910
We must save her.

336
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,918
Yes, we must.

337
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,713
We must save her.

338
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,235
We must!

339
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,949
(CRASH)

340
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:07,311
- You saved my life!
- Yes...

341
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,550
He saved my life!

342
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:23,912
Perfect...

343
00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:27,510
I'm perfect.

344
00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:35,431
(SOBS)