1
00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:04,752
("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME)

2
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,078
(RIP!)

3
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:53,716
- That the post?
- Never mind. It's not for you.

4
00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,198
What exactly are you doing?

5
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:04,275
Just thinking how nice it would be
to have some kind of gazebo.

6
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,000
You can forget that. They'll be here later.

7
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,594
Now go and get those dildos waxed.

8
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,671
Yes, my love.

9
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,790
Here it is. "Where Eagles Dare".

10
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,116
One of Alistair Maclean's finest.

11
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,113
If you're at a loose end, it's a smashing read.

12
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:33,715
- Or there's a "Satan Bug" somewhere.
- Alibis?

13
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,440
Oh, yes. You must understand
it's very important

14
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,636
that no one knows we've gathered here.

15
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,836
Our guest of honour is a cautious man.

16
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,474
I'm brass rubbing in East Anglia.

17
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:49,998
Oh, do you know the nave
of St Wolfrick's in Ely?

18
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,628
There's a smashing...

19
00:01:55,600 --> 00:02:01,357
Ah! Sue and Tank. Or should I say Mr and Mrs...

20
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,518
Armoured Personnel Carrier?

21
00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,558
Interesting alias.
Should be a diverting weekend.

22
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,196
Yeah. Looking forward to some 'eavy fucking.

23
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,634
Yes. We've put you in the Ullswater Suite.

24
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,031
I've borne in mind comments
about the teas in the room,

25
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:23,591
so you'll find a summer fruits sachet,
a lemon and ginger,

26
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,075
and a Lady Grey...

27
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,434
..if you're feeling adventurous.

28
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,032
- Mr Steele?
- That's me.

29
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,074
I believe you are expecting me.

30
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:49,588
- Oh! Mr...
- Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

31
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,711
Call me...

32
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:55,633
Daddy.

33
00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,510
Let me tell you about the rectum.

34
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,671
The rectum is a beautiful organ.

35
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,115
In my monograph, "The Pipe of Pan"...

36
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:09,308
My tits can only stand so much.
The hatpins I can cope with.

37
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,119
But she doesn't get on with the hot wax.

38
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,158
Are you comin'
to the Clitorotica on Saturday?

39
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,629
Mmm. It'll be my first time.

40
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,633
I did Quim-Con in Eastbourne last year

41
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,076
and the International
Symposium of Anal Love in '97.

42
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,277
Have you ever shaved another man's balls?

43
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,954
There was this fella -

44
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,714
his testicles were the size of cooking apples!

45
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,668
The fact is, azaleas are very
vulnerable to an early frost.

46
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,832
I had already planned
for that part of the garden.

47
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,072
I'd even removed a laburnum,
which had sprung up there -

48
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,231
poisonous, as you probably...

49
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,675
Oh! I'm terribly sorry.

50
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,348
(LAUGHS) Not to worry.

51
00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:00,152
Have you got everything ready
for Daddy's demonstration tomorrow?

52
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,192
I have, but I'll cry off if I may.

53
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,114
Autoerotic asphyxiation
plays havoc with the old tubes.

54
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:12,992
I was wondering if I had time
to nip to the garden centre.

55
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,835
Again? Ooh, there's
something wrong with you.

56
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,629
How many pebble fountains can one man own?

57
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,870
It's just there's a special offer

58
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,589
on a compost bin
of which I want to avail myself.

59
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:32,118
Forget it. You're staying to explore the limits
of your sexuality with the rest of us.

60
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,077
Go and drain the Swede.

61
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,070
Everything all right in there, Mr Orbayas?

62
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,834
(SWEDISH ACCENT)
Fine, thank you, Mr Steele.

63
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:01,152
(GROWLING AND LAUGHTER)

64
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,630
I'm nipping to Hammonds, love.
We're out of Harland Fingers.

65
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,519
Oh, shut that ruddy door!

66
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,671
Righto.

67
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,752
(GRUFF VOICE) 'Scuse me.
Do you sell barbecue coals?

68
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,718
Yes, sir. Do you want them with firelighters?

69
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:40,556
Er, no, wi' custard.
I've got these terrible cravings.

70
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,280
Well, sir...madam...
you'll find them over there.

71
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:47,558
- Right, thanks.
- There's our own ant-killer,

72
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:50,956
which provides an effective prophylaxis

73
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:55,352
against nearly 74%
of all herbaceous diseases...

74
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,718
..woodlice, whitefly, blackfly, greenfly...

75
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,275
Come on. Have you got everything?

76
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,000
Only what was on the bed.

77
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:11,119
- Judges notice punctuality.
- Come on, Casey. Big smile.

78
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,271
Do you want to be Junior Miss Elegance?

79
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,510
We're doing this for you.

80
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,711
- How do I look?
- You look fabulous.

81
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,077
- Do I?
- You do. Let's knock 'em dead.

82
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,231
- Name?
- Casey Everglass.

83
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,914
- Age?
- Seven and three quarters.

84
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:39,676
Hello, Casey. You know
the theme this year is history?

85
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:43,031
- Yes, she does.
- You've prepared your solo?

86
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,953
Yes, she has. The costume cost £158.

87
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,833
- And you are?
- Nancy Glass, Casey's mother.

88
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,032
- She's not my real mum.
- Speak when you're spoken to!

89
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,317
Now, er, where are the changing rooms?

90
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,869
The girls' changing rooms are full,

91
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:02,710
so find yourself a little corner in the gym.

92
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,872
Sorry, this is Casey Emma Glass.

93
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,231
This has won two silver salvers
in the last five years.

94
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,591
She was the Papoose Princess,
November, in a Huggies calendar

95
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,916
and, as a baby, she was Miss Piss '95.

96
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,350
We've got three Golden Potties.

97
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,318
A corner of the gym just will not do!

98
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,759
I bet Natalie Burkett
isn't hanging tutus on the apparatus.

99
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,913
- She was here on time.
- Noel, come on.

100
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,514
Have they announced
the upper junior judges yet?

101
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,238
- Yes.
- Nancy!

102
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,868
- It'll be Joyce Wilson...
- Go on, go on, go on.

103
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,349
- Arnold Engelman...
- Not to worry.

104
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,478
- Who's chair?
- Cherry Bakewell.

105
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,835
- Thank you very much!
- Happy with that.

106
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,389
Do we phone Cherry or pop a note through?

107
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,630
Is there a toilet, please?

108
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,597
Casey!!

109
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:57,674
..gnats, midges, galleynippers
and domestic cats...

110
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,195
(CLEARS THROAT)

111
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,430
Excuse me a moment, please.

112
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:07,872
Of course, the ancients, too, were conversant

113
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,516
in the erotic power of breath constriction.

114
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:20,711
As was King Henry VIII,
when forced to arouse himself

115
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,553
before his plain Flemish wife...

116
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,556
Anne of Cleves.

117
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,517
But it was not until comparatively recently

118
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:38,397
that science caught up with the...erotic urge.

119
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:44,713
And so we come bang up to date.

120
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:49,554
The reason we're all here this afternoon...

121
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,232
Behold!

122
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,317
(ALL GASP)

123
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,356
The Medusa!

124
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,391
Can I help you, sir?

125
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:16,917
Yes, I'm interested in purchasing a barbecue.

126
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,071
- Really?
- Oh, yes.

127
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,834
I've had my eye on one for some time.

128
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,549
Can you...describe it for me?

129
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,597
It's a beautiful model.

130
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:34,719
Smooth, elegant, with a...stainless finish.

131
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,597
I myself favour the Flamemaster Trident.

132
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:45,912
It's solid, sturdy, reliable...

133
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,834
with an adjustable
gas nozzle that performs well

134
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,434
and certainly impressed me.

135
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,751
I think this grill pan's
over-heating, Miss Buckle.

136
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,388
Do you want to turn the gas off?

137
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:03,394
- Maybe I like it well done.
- Maybe you do.

138
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,915
- Suppose we get burned?
- Suppose we do?

139
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,595
Suppose someone throws
cold water over my sausage?

140
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,957
Yes, we know who that would be, don't we?

141
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,519
Yes.

142
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,158
Listen. She's going away.

143
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,357
- What?
- To Rotterdam.

144
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,875
For the whole weekend.

145
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,115
Come...

146
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,672
Trust.

147
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,831
Trust your daddy.

148
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:42,192
Do not be afraid, my children.

149
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:47,793
Let not fear cloud the naked
carnality of our spirits...

150
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,956
and our souls.

151
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,958
Remember the safe word.

152
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,110
Juliet Bravo.

153
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,437
(ALL) Juliet Bravo.

154
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:10,596
You only have to say it once
and I will...release you.

155
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,436
But do not be afraid, my children.

156
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:20,549
You will undergo extraordinary sensoria.

157
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:27,079
Now...Daddy controls your breathing.

158
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,429
(GASPING)

159
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,629
(ALL SIGH)

160
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,710
I'm not sure. She might find out.

161
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:53,112
Trust me. I play up the asthma,
she'll be glad to go without me.

162
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,271
- Yes, but...
- I've...

163
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:59,877
- I've got that special video.
- We could watch it in bed.

164
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,674
Three hours of "Watercolour Challenge".

165
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,031
I'll be round at eight with the Rummikub.

166
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:11,189
- And I'll have the kettle on.
- (BOTH) Jump leads for two!

167
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,999
You're doing splendidly, my children.

168
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:23,671
You are entering a world
of unknown pleasure.

169
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:28,957
(ALL GASP)

170
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:33,910
Your whole being will be renewed,
just as mine has been.

171
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:38,318
Would you think to look at me
that I am 40 years old?

172
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,635
No, I thought not.

173
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,869
I am a man reborn! A man... Ooh!

174
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,917
Ah!

175
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,751
(GASPS)

176
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,269
(ALL GASP AND WHEEZE)

177
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,273
(ALL) Juliet Bravo! Juliet Bravo!

178
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:09,472
Juliet Bravo! Juliet Bravo!

179
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,553
(DOORBELL RINGS)

180
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,392
(RASPING)

181
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,716
(DOORBELL)

182
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,519
(LAUGHTER)

183
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:41,956
Hello, madam. Don't worry.
We're not going to get you.

184
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:46,716
Basically, I'm just checking
if you've had your LTP arranged.

185
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,269
- My what?
- LTP. Lifetime Protection.

186
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:53,115
Most of this street have
had it done. It's a lovely area.

187
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,312
My name's Terry, by the way.
This is Anne. Don't laugh.

188
00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:01,315
- Have you got a porch light?
- Sorry, no. What's this about?

189
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:05,553
Can we come in for a little cup
of tea? I know Anne's gasping.

190
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,076
- No. Is this insurance?
- Of a kind.

191
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,118
Look at these illustrations.
Shame you've no porch light.

192
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,510
This is us now.
We're all unhappy, the sky is grey.

193
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:19,194
But if we enter the Kingdom of Light,

194
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,915
you see what the Lord had in mind for us.

195
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:26,993
There's food in abundance,
a picture of peace and harmony.

196
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:31,119
The colours are very vivid,
even though it's an old book.

197
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,428
- Come back when my dad's in.
- No, we're not allowed.

198
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:39,191
If we let you go back in there,
and you start a chip-pan fire,

199
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,595
then I'll be in trouble with the boss.

200
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:46,754
If you think chip oil is hot,
I'll show you another photo.

201
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,832
This was taken in the fiery pit of hell.

202
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:54,312
Notice how the devils prick
the damned with hooks and forks.

203
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,398
But that's not a photograph, is it?

204
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,630
Yes, it is. It's a factual rendering.

205
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,234
That's a drawing, like in a Ladybird book.

206
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,949
Either way, you've seen
what's in store unless you sign up.

207
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,111
You'll be the only one not protected.

208
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,317
I don't know when
we're in this area again, do you?

209
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,155
- Tuesdays!
- Shut it up!

210
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,875
Look, I'm not interested.

211
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,709
You're not interested in eternal happiness.

212
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,229
And your parents won't mind being damned?

213
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:29,399
- No.
- OK. Are you a Jew?

214
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,591
I don't know. Me dad deals with that.

215
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,995
Never mind. Before we go,

216
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,709
are you interested in a loft conversion?

217
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:41,873
(LITTLE GIRL SINGS)
# There is a castle on a cloud

218
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:46,591
# I like to go there in my sleep

219
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:51,356
# There aren't any floors for me to sweep

220
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,273
# Not in my castle on a... #

221
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,590
You've gone over! They'll deduct you for that.

222
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,194
- Is that what you want?
- Start again!

223
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:04,150
# There is a castle on a cloud

224
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,393
# I like to go there in my sleep... #

225
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:12,473
# Please say, "Si, si"

226
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,718
# And you and your Spanish eyes... #

227
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,915
Home is the hunter!

228
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,273
Sunny?

229
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,470
Sunny!

230
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,551
Sunny!

231
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,790
(FARTING NOISE)

232
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,316
Sunny!

233
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,596
(FARTING NOISE)

234
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,670
Dead... All dead.

235
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,670
Ha... Police.

236
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,034
(FARTING NOISES)

237
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,997
Ambulance first.

238
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,192
Judith.

239
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:19,915
Judith.

240
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,233
OK, ladies and gentlemen. The time has come.

241
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:28,319
Put your hands together
for reigning Junior Miss Elegance -

242
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:29,999
Natalie Burkett.

243
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,194
- Here we go.
- Are you timing it?

244
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,635
- Yes.
- Smiling...

245
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,268
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, that's clever.

246
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,113
- It's Cleopatra.
- Why didn't we think of that?

247
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,919
Cleopatra. I knew she'd do a queen.

248
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,354
Ah, this is good.

249
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:55,115
This is very good.
There's a movement on every beat.

250
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,795
- Oh, shit! That dress!
- Must weigh a ton, the sequins.

251
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,349
Let's hope it slows her down.

252
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:05,269
- (BOTH) Velcroed!
- She's had help with that.

253
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,237
- Is she looking?
- Who?

254
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,392
- Elaine.
- Yes. Give her a wave.

255
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,836
- She's dyed her hair.
- That won't impress Cherry.

256
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:17,476
- She's tumbled!
- You sure that wasn't a plié?

257
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,110
- No, look, the smile's gone.
- That was an ugly fall!

258
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,271
The bottom lip's going. What's Cherry doing?

259
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,431
- She's writing something.
- Good.

260
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,433
- We have tears, Nancy!
- She's not walking off?

261
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:32,030
She is! She is! It's a walk-off!

262
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,073
And the music plays on. That's disqualification.

263
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,431
Only in this round, but yeah, it is. Yeah.

264
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,752
- Well done, Natalie!
- Well done, love!

265
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,036
Serves you right
for having so many sequins.

266
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,839
That'll have shattered her confidence.
I'll tell Casey.

267
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,673
Oh, yeah. She'll be absolutely delighted.

268
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,231
(DOORBELL)

269
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,709
- Judith.
- You got rid of her, then?

270
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,871
- What?
- Has she gone?

271
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,117
Oh, yes. Off to the Low Countries.

272
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,595
Wouldn't it be terrific if she never came back?

273
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:34,433
..he fires the bloomin' arrow,
and he's shot, of course.

274
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,715
Sorry about the quality of the repast.

275
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,394
I didn't have a lot of time.

276
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,433
But I can promise a Carte d'Or for afters,

277
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,676
so, er... Oh!

278
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,997
- Noodles!
- Oh, I'll get a cloth.

279
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,110
Oh! No! Let me!

280
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,630
Where does the stupid old tart keep them?

281
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,838
No!!

282
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,395
- This is the one.
- Oh.

283
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,154
I'll sort this out. Only take a mo.

284
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:08,675
Well, shall I get the ice cream?

285
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,434
No, it'll go soft.

286
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,594
I'll come back for it presently.

287
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,352
OK.

288
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:28,791
- Everything all right, Bagpuss?
- Yes, Professor Yaffle.

289
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,594
You're not scared
she might come back, are you?

290
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,520
No. Not really.

291
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:40,748
One day, it won't be like this,
stolen moments of passion.

292
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,037
- (SLURPS)
- Absolutely.

293
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,231
(FARTING NOISE)

294
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,391
Excuse me.

295
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,436
(FARTING NOISES)

296
00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:00,354
- Alvin!
- The full English, I'm afraid.

297
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,955
(TREMENDOUS FARTING NOISE)

298
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,156
Oh, God! The smell!

299
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,874
(FARTING NOISE)

300
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,877
(SCREAMS)

301
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,548
(SCREAMING AND FARTING)

302
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,553
- Alvin!
- (SQUELCH!)

303
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,036
I can explain.

304
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:38,590
It's all over bar the shouting.
They're doing the under-fives.

305
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:43,151
Well, better than expected. In fact, she won.

306
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:47,197
Yeah. She's absolutely delighted, obviously.

307
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,510
June says congratulations.

308
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,672
Tell her...whoo!

309
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,435
We'll have a few sherbets,
don't worry about that.

310
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,989
Noel, tell her about Nottingham.

311
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,675
We want you to work
on Casey's costume for Nottingham.

312
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,593
It's Cleopatra. We've got a few ideas.

313
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,228
See you later, June. Bye.

314
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,755
I always knew I could do it, Noel.

315
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,229
Well, you're a very clever girl.

316
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,597
- Am I?
- Yes. Have we got everything?

317
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,796
Yeah. Come on. Wind it up.

318
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,110
I'm all right to drive, aren't I?

319
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:25,717
- Just keep your lights on.
- All right! Stop nagging me.

320
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,996
Hey, did you see her face?

321
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,435
- Natalie?
- Elaine!

322
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,469
Casey! Casey, come on!

323
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,631
You didn't think we'd forgotten you?

324
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:44,157
- We need you for Nottingham.
- Come on, darlin'.

325
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:48,359
That's it. Mummy's not mad with you any more.

326
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,751
- Come on, Casey!
- Hurry up, now.

327
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:55,754
"Survivor" is on soon.
Mummy wants to get home.

328
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,549
- In the back. Hurry up.
- Did you set that video?

329
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,791
- No.
- I bloody told you!

330
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,951
Casey, get in. Mummy's getting cross.

331
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,948
I should've gone to the police,
but I could only think of you.

332
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,958
We must call them now and explain.

333
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:14,072
- Must we?
- Of course, I...

334
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:19,957
Plan for success. You said
they all came under assumed names.

335
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:23,510
- Nobody knows they're here.
- But the law...

336
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,711
..will find us guilty of murder.

337
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,871
It's the classic crime passionnel -

338
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,508
the glamorous mistress,
the hen-pecked husband...

339
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:33,154
The constant trips to the garden centre.

340
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,595
We'll have to be clever.

341
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,590
Leave it to me.

342
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,351
- You all right?
- I'm dreading the fat one.

343
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,794
Shame it's not a loamier soil, actually.

344
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,310
It's just a day. We'll come
tomorrow and sort it out.

345
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,471
- You're sure?
- We're over the worst.

346
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,234
You've been magnificent, Judith.

347
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,478
Oh, Sunny!

348
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:25,155
Oh, please. Just name
one thing she ever did for you.

349
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,869
(MAN READS) "As I explained
in the first letter,

350
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,669
"my husband loves his garden
but can never get in it.

351
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,274
"He's always dreamed of a fancy patio.

352
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,716
"I'm so thrilled that you
and the team are coming. "

353
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:46,073
Now, Mrs Steele has taken
her husband away for the weekend,

354
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:49,198
so when he returns, this bare plot of earth

355
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:53,558
will be the Elysian Fields
with an Italianate terrace.

356
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,428
This will be such a lovely surprise.

357
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,592
He'll never suspect anything in a million years.

358
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:11,149
OK, nobody's in, so let's go
round the back and get started.

359
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,309
(CREW CHATTERS)

360
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:29,871
Light!

361
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,358
Looks like someone's given us a head start.

362
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,556
It's been freshly dug.

363
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,715
(WOMAN SCREAMS)

364
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,555
(WHIMPERS)