("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME)
(RIP!)
- That the post? - Never mind. It's not for you.
What exactly are you doing?
Just thinking how nice it would be to have some kind of gazebo.
You can forget that. They'll be here later.
Now go and get those dildos waxed.
Yes, my love.
Here it is. "Where Eagles Dare".
One of Alistair Maclean's finest.
If you're at a loose end, it's a smashing read.
- Or there's a "Satan Bug" somewhere. - Alibis?
Oh, yes. You must understand it's very important
that no one knows we've gathered here.
Our guest of honour is a cautious man.
I'm brass rubbing in East Anglia.
Oh, do you know the nave of St Wolfrick's in Ely?
There's a smashing...
Ah! Sue and Tank. Or should I say Mr and Mrs...
Armoured Personnel Carrier?
Interesting alias. Should be a diverting weekend.
Yeah. Looking forward to some 'eavy fucking.
Yes. We've put you in the Ullswater Suite.
I've borne in mind comments about the teas in the room,
so you'll find a summer fruits sachet, a lemon and ginger,
and a Lady Grey...
..if you're feeling adventurous.
- Mr Steele? - That's me.
I believe you are expecting me.
- Oh! Mr... - Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Call me...
Daddy.
Let me tell you about the rectum.
The rectum is a beautiful organ.
In my monograph, "The Pipe of Pan"...
My tits can only stand so much. The hatpins I can cope with.
But she doesn't get on with the hot wax.
Are you comin' to the Clitorotica on Saturday?
Mmm. It'll be my first time.
I did Quim-Con in Eastbourne last year
and the International Symposium of Anal Love in '97.
Have you ever shaved another man's balls?
There was this fella -
his testicles were the size of cooking apples!
The fact is, azaleas are very vulnerable to an early frost.
I had already planned for that part of the garden.
I'd even removed a laburnum, which had sprung up there -
poisonous, as you probably...
Oh! I'm terribly sorry.
(LAUGHS) Not to worry.
Have you got everything ready for Daddy's demonstration tomorrow?
I have, but I'll cry off if I may.
Autoerotic asphyxiation plays havoc with the old tubes.
I was wondering if I had time to nip to the garden centre.
Again? Ooh, there's something wrong with you.
How many pebble fountains can one man own?
It's just there's a special offer
on a compost bin of which I want to avail myself.
Forget it. You're staying to explore the limits of your sexuality with the rest of us.
Go and drain the Swede.
Everything all right in there, Mr Orbayas?
(SWEDISH ACCENT) Fine, thank you, Mr Steele.
(GROWLING AND LAUGHTER)
I'm nipping to Hammonds, love. We're out of Harland Fingers.
Oh, shut that ruddy door!
Righto.
(GRUFF VOICE) 'Scuse me. Do you sell barbecue coals?
Yes, sir. Do you want them with firelighters?
Er, no, wi' custard. I've got these terrible cravings.
Well, sir...madam... you'll find them over there.
- Right, thanks. - There's our own ant-killer,
which provides an effective prophylaxis
against nearly 74% of all herbaceous diseases...
..woodlice, whitefly, blackfly, greenfly...
Come on. Have you got everything?
Only what was on the bed.
- Judges notice punctuality. - Come on, Casey. Big smile.
Do you want to be Junior Miss Elegance?
We're doing this for you.
- How do I look? - You look fabulous.
- Do I? - You do. Let's knock 'em dead.
- Name? - Casey Everglass.
- Age? - Seven and three quarters.
Hello, Casey. You know the theme this year is history?
- Yes, she does. - You've prepared your solo?
Yes, she has. The costume cost £158.
- And you are? - Nancy Glass, Casey's mother.
- She's not my real mum. - Speak when you're spoken to!
Now, er, where are the changing rooms?
The girls' changing rooms are full,
so find yourself a little corner in the gym.
Sorry, this is Casey Emma Glass.
This has won two silver salvers in the last five years.
She was the Papoose Princess, November, in a Huggies calendar
and, as a baby, she was Miss Piss '95.
We've got three Golden Potties.
A corner of the gym just will not do!
I bet Natalie Burkett isn't hanging tutus on the apparatus.
- She was here on time. - Noel, come on.
Have they announced the upper junior judges yet?
- Yes. - Nancy!
- It'll be Joyce Wilson... - Go on, go on, go on.
- Arnold Engelman... - Not to worry.
- Who's chair? - Cherry Bakewell.
- Thank you very much! - Happy with that.
Do we phone Cherry or pop a note through?
Is there a toilet, please?
Casey!!
..gnats, midges, galleynippers and domestic cats...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me a moment, please.
Of course, the ancients, too, were conversant
in the erotic power of breath constriction.
As was King Henry VIII, when forced to arouse himself
before his plain Flemish wife...
Anne of Cleves.
But it was not until comparatively recently
that science caught up with the...erotic urge.
And so we come bang up to date.
The reason we're all here this afternoon...
Behold!
(ALL GASP)
The Medusa!
Can I help you, sir?
Yes, I'm interested in purchasing a barbecue.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
I've had my eye on one for some time.
Can you...describe it for me?
It's a beautiful model.
Smooth, elegant, with a...stainless finish.
I myself favour the Flamemaster Trident.
It's solid, sturdy, reliable...
with an adjustable gas nozzle that performs well
and certainly impressed me.
I think this grill pan's over-heating, Miss Buckle.
Do you want to turn the gas off?
- Maybe I like it well done. - Maybe you do.
- Suppose we get burned? - Suppose we do?
Suppose someone throws cold water over my sausage?
Yes, we know who that would be, don't we?
Yes.
Listen. She's going away.
- What? - To Rotterdam.
For the whole weekend.
Come...
Trust.
Trust your daddy.
Do not be afraid, my children.
Let not fear cloud the naked carnality of our spirits...
and our souls.
Remember the safe word.
Juliet Bravo.
(ALL) Juliet Bravo.
You only have to say it once and I will...release you.
But do not be afraid, my children.
You will undergo extraordinary sensoria.
Now...Daddy controls your breathing.
(GASPING)
(ALL SIGH)
I'm not sure. She might find out.
Trust me. I play up the asthma, she'll be glad to go without me.
- Yes, but... - I've...
- I've got that special video. - We could watch it in bed.
Three hours of "Watercolour Challenge".
I'll be round at eight with the Rummikub.
- And I'll have the kettle on. - (BOTH) Jump leads for two!
You're doing splendidly, my children.
You are entering a world of unknown pleasure.
(ALL GASP)
Your whole being will be renewed, just as mine has been.
Would you think to look at me that I am 40 years old?
No, I thought not.
I am a man reborn! A man... Ooh!
Ah!
(GASPS)
(ALL GASP AND WHEEZE)
(ALL) Juliet Bravo! Juliet Bravo!
Juliet Bravo! Juliet Bravo!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(RASPING)
(DOORBELL)
(LAUGHTER)
Hello, madam. Don't worry. We're not going to get you.
Basically, I'm just checking if you've had your LTP arranged.
- My what? - LTP. Lifetime Protection.
Most of this street have had it done. It's a lovely area.
My name's Terry, by the way. This is Anne. Don't laugh.
- Have you got a porch light? - Sorry, no. What's this about?
Can we come in for a little cup of tea? I know Anne's gasping.
- No. Is this insurance? - Of a kind.
Look at these illustrations. Shame you've no porch light.
This is us now. We're all unhappy, the sky is grey.
But if we enter the Kingdom of Light,
you see what the Lord had in mind for us.
There's food in abundance, a picture of peace and harmony.
The colours are very vivid, even though it's an old book.
- Come back when my dad's in. - No, we're not allowed.
If we let you go back in there, and you start a chip-pan fire,
then I'll be in trouble with the boss.
If you think chip oil is hot, I'll show you another photo.
This was taken in the fiery pit of hell.
Notice how the devils prick the damned with hooks and forks.
But that's not a photograph, is it?
Yes, it is. It's a factual rendering.
That's a drawing, like in a Ladybird book.
Either way, you've seen what's in store unless you sign up.
You'll be the only one not protected.
I don't know when we're in this area again, do you?
- Tuesdays! - Shut it up!
Look, I'm not interested.
You're not interested in eternal happiness.
And your parents won't mind being damned?
- No. - OK. Are you a Jew?
I don't know. Me dad deals with that.
Never mind. Before we go,
are you interested in a loft conversion?
(LITTLE GIRL SINGS) # There is a castle on a cloud
# I like to go there in my sleep
# There aren't any floors for me to sweep
# Not in my castle on a... #
You've gone over! They'll deduct you for that.
- Is that what you want? - Start again!
# There is a castle on a cloud
# I like to go there in my sleep... #
# Please say, "Si, si"
# And you and your Spanish eyes... #
Home is the hunter!
Sunny?
Sunny!
(FARTING NOISE)
Sunny!
(FARTING NOISE)
Dead... All dead.
Ha... Police.
(FARTING NOISES)
Ambulance first.
Judith.
OK, ladies and gentlemen. The time has come.
Put your hands together for reigning Junior Miss Elegance -
Natalie Burkett.
- Here we go. - Are you timing it?
- Yes. - Smiling...
- Oh, my God! - Oh, that's clever.
- It's Cleopatra. - Why didn't we think of that?
Cleopatra. I knew she'd do a queen.
Ah, this is good.
This is very good. There's a movement on every beat.
- Oh, shit! That dress! - Must weigh a ton, the sequins.
Let's hope it slows her down.
- (BOTH) Velcroed! - She's had help with that.
- Is she looking? - Who?
- Elaine. - Yes. Give her a wave.
- She's dyed her hair. - That won't impress Cherry.
- She's tumbled! - You sure that wasn't a plié?
- No, look, the smile's gone. - That was an ugly fall!
The bottom lip's going. What's Cherry doing?
- She's writing something. - Good.
- We have tears, Nancy! - She's not walking off?
She is! She is! It's a walk-off!
And the music plays on. That's disqualification.
Only in this round, but yeah, it is. Yeah.
- Well done, Natalie! - Well done, love!
Serves you right for having so many sequins.
That'll have shattered her confidence. I'll tell Casey.
Oh, yeah. She'll be absolutely delighted.
(DOORBELL)
- Judith. - You got rid of her, then?
- What? - Has she gone?
Oh, yes. Off to the Low Countries.
Wouldn't it be terrific if she never came back?
..he fires the bloomin' arrow, and he's shot, of course.
Sorry about the quality of the repast.
I didn't have a lot of time.
But I can promise a Carte d'Or for afters,
so, er... Oh!
- Noodles! - Oh, I'll get a cloth.
Oh! No! Let me!
Where does the stupid old tart keep them?
No!!
- This is the one. - Oh.
I'll sort this out. Only take a mo.
Well, shall I get the ice cream?
No, it'll go soft.
I'll come back for it presently.
OK.
- Everything all right, Bagpuss? - Yes, Professor Yaffle.
You're not scared she might come back, are you?
No. Not really.
One day, it won't be like this, stolen moments of passion.
- (SLURPS) - Absolutely.
(FARTING NOISE)
Excuse me.
(FARTING NOISES)
- Alvin! - The full English, I'm afraid.
(TREMENDOUS FARTING NOISE)
Oh, God! The smell!
(FARTING NOISE)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING AND FARTING)
- Alvin! - (SQUELCH!)
I can explain.
It's all over bar the shouting. They're doing the under-fives.
Well, better than expected. In fact, she won.
Yeah. She's absolutely delighted, obviously.
June says congratulations.
Tell her...whoo!
We'll have a few sherbets, don't worry about that.
Noel, tell her about Nottingham.
We want you to work on Casey's costume for Nottingham.
It's Cleopatra. We've got a few ideas.
See you later, June. Bye.
I always knew I could do it, Noel.
Well, you're a very clever girl.
- Am I? - Yes. Have we got everything?
Yeah. Come on. Wind it up.
I'm all right to drive, aren't I?
- Just keep your lights on. - All right! Stop nagging me.
Hey, did you see her face?
- Natalie? - Elaine!
Casey! Casey, come on!
You didn't think we'd forgotten you?
- We need you for Nottingham. - Come on, darlin'.
That's it. Mummy's not mad with you any more.
- Come on, Casey! - Hurry up, now.
"Survivor" is on soon. Mummy wants to get home.
- In the back. Hurry up. - Did you set that video?
- No. - I bloody told you!
Casey, get in. Mummy's getting cross.
I should've gone to the police, but I could only think of you.
We must call them now and explain.
- Must we? - Of course, I...
Plan for success. You said they all came under assumed names.
- Nobody knows they're here. - But the law...
..will find us guilty of murder.
It's the classic crime passionnel -
the glamorous mistress, the hen-pecked husband...
The constant trips to the garden centre.
We'll have to be clever.
Leave it to me.
- You all right? - I'm dreading the fat one.
Shame it's not a loamier soil, actually.
It's just a day. We'll come tomorrow and sort it out.
- You're sure? - We're over the worst.
You've been magnificent, Judith.
Oh, Sunny!
Oh, please. Just name one thing she ever did for you.
(MAN READS) "As I explained in the first letter,
"my husband loves his garden but can never get in it.
"He's always dreamed of a fancy patio.
"I'm so thrilled that you and the team are coming. "
Now, Mrs Steele has taken her husband away for the weekend,
so when he returns, this bare plot of earth
will be the Elysian Fields with an Italianate terrace.
This will be such a lovely surprise.
He'll never suspect anything in a million years.
OK, nobody's in, so let's go round the back and get started.
(CREW CHATTERS)
Light!
Looks like someone's given us a head start.
It's been freshly dug.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(WHIMPERS)