1
00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:04,752
("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME)

2
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:26,231
Excuse me, madam....

3
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,591
(MACHINE BLEEPS)

4
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,232
I wondered why you wanted
the housekeeping all in tens.

5
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,312
- Change machine's broke.
- We've got no money as it is,

6
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,471
without pumping it into the greedy slits.

7
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,393
- Girl needs an 'obby.
- Gambling's not a hobby.

8
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:18,758
I watch them. This one's not
given out for three weeks.

9
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,150
Hmph! It's not the only one.

10
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,356
You've got a counsellor, talk to him.

11
00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:27,149
All right! If you get two bars,
should you nudge or hold?

12
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,311
Not bothered.

13
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,393
Why do you want to sit
in here all day? It stinks.

14
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,596
- What's goin' on?
- Oh, I get it.

15
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:39,036
Oh, 'ello, Tony. What are you doin' here?

16
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,476
- I work here.
- Oh, yeah. So you do.

17
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:45,513
I told you to stay away from Crystal Tipps here.

18
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:48,194
Like I say, Charlie, a girl needs an 'obby.

19
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,791
Come on, Tony. Hold me melons
while I nudge this bell.

20
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,991
(BLEEPS)

21
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:06,753
- (PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS)
- Let the music wash over you.

22
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,354
- How's that volume?
- Fine, thanks.

23
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:14,111
Excellent. In the beauty trade,
we call this "relaxitive" music.

24
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:18,512
You can purchase the CD
in reception for just £12.99.

25
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,837
- No, thank you.
- Fine.

26
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,991
(MOUTHS)

27
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,038
Have you ever had a massage before?

28
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,430
Not for a while, no.

29
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,238
Right.

30
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:37,598
(HER VOICE) Your massage today
will be an invigorating one...

31
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,274
..concentrating on your neck,
arms and upper body.

32
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,716
So the essential oils I've chosen for you

33
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,633
are ylang-ylang,
which is a pale yellow oil

34
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,070
with an extremely sweet, exotic scent...

35
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,714
and bergamot, which has a fruity aroma

36
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,871
with a slight balsamic undertone,

37
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,110
best before Feb 2004.

38
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:08,271
How are they for you?

39
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,119
- Good.
- Hmm... Fi ne.

40
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,711
Good.

41
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:19,318
I'll begin with long strokes
down your arms and shoulders.

42
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,756
Nice and gently at first. Just try to relax.

43
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,593
- (WOMAN) You want a brew, love?
- Mother, I'm busy!

44
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,309
- Don 't bite me head off!
- Sorry. My cleaner.

45
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,512
Just try to relax. That's it.

46
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,196
Let me drain all
the tension from your body.

47
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,518
Oh, that was lovely, thank you.

48
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,558
Thank YOU. Do come and see us again.

49
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,870
- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.

50
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:56,636
Charles! Charles! Look! A £3 tip.

51
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,553
Bloody 'ell! I can't
believe we got away with it.

52
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,593
You are clever. You learned
this in the merchant navy?

53
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,833
Yeah, but I couldn't
open up a posh place like this.

54
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,230
- Who'd come?
- The perfect partnership.

55
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,630
I've got the looks. You've got the brawn.

56
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,270
It's like having your hands on my body.

57
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,876
Imagine how strange
and wonderful that would feel.

58
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,277
I'm a married man, Mrs Levinson.

59
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,510
Yes, of course.

60
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,115
And I must think of Eddie.

61
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,999
Let's have a toast...to Spit & Polish.

62
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,230
No, no, no. To beauty...

63
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,391
and the beast.

64
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,670
Beauty and the beast.

65
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,348
- Is Neds in?
- What do you think?

66
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,557
- Can I see him?
- Go on, then.

67
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,076
Hey, tell him he's got to get his prescription.

68
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,349
- Hi, Neds.
- Is that Tristan?

69
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,473
- Is she nearly finished?
- Nearly.

70
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,988
- It's lookin' good.
- Did you get the machine gun?

71
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,995
I couldn't find one. I fitted this, though.

72
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,795
It spits out paper fasteners.

73
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,072
It should be drawing pins,
but Mrs Ridley's run out.

74
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,669
She said they was quite sharp,

75
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:35,674
but I don't know if
they'd burst a villain's tyres.

76
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,435
Anyway, she's getting
some more drawing pins in.

77
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:44,469
Hey, I've not shown you
this yet. Get in. Come on.

78
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,279
- (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hi. Neds.
- That's good, innit?

79
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,870
- Let's solve some crime.
- Wow!

80
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,276
She's alive, Tris.

81
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,352
- Maxi Power's finally alive.
- Hi, Neds.

82
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,356
Mmm! Oh, that's nice.

83
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,949
(PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS)

84
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:19,153
(MRS LEVINSON) Now, ifyou
turn over, I'll do your front.

85
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,720
That's it. Lovely.

86
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,356
Oh! You have lovely soft 'ands!

87
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,830
I tell you what, love.
You don't do extras, do you?

88
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,793
Oh, I've embarrassed you now.

89
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,232
It's just that as you can see,
I'm a bit...stimulated.

90
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,868
It'll not take long, love.

91
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,270
Shall we say £20?

92
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,668
Well, say summat.

93
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,598
Let me drain
all the tension from your body.

94
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:09,116
Oh, cheers, love. You're a good lass.

95
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,039
As I say, it'll not take long.

96
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:16,193
Me wife's got arthritis,
you see, and it's getting worse.

97
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,638
Three weeks ago, she were
peeling oranges, but now...

98
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,990
I still love her and everything, you know...

99
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:27,790
but...me daughter's disabled...
A man has needs.

100
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,151
Anyway, you better hurry up, love.

101
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,874
I'm not sure it'll last much longer.

102
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,189
Oh! That's it!

103
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,156
Steady on, love. You're not plunging a sink!

104
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,711
Oh, yes!

105
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,829
Oh...yes, indeed. Oh!

106
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,829
Oh, he's nearly there now!

107
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,995
There we go! Ooh, yes!

108
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,830
That's the ticket!

109
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,397
Oh...

110
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,670
So, feeling more relaxed now?

111
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,831
Oh, yes, thanks, love. Spot on.

112
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,076
Good. Would you like
to book another session?

113
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,679
Definitely.

114
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:46,352
If you buy a gold card, you can
come as many times as you want.

115
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,750
Oh?

116
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,357
Oh, there you are, Charles?
Everything all right?

117
00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,877
I don't know what you did today,
but look - a £20 tip!

118
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,474
He was a very satisfied customer.

119
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,030
I do hope you can keep this up, Charles.

120
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:19,996
# You need hands
to hold someone you care for

121
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:27,036
# You need hands
to show that you're sincere

122
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:36,195
# When you feel
nobody wants to know you

123
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:43,358
# You need hands
to brush away the tears

124
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:54,199
# When you hold a brand-new baby

125
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,960
# You need tender hands

126
00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:02,592
# To guide them on their way, hey, hey

127
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:11,668
# You need hands to thank
the Lord for living... #

128
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,032
- And the name is...?
- Tony Bell.

129
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,556
Ah, yes. If you take yourself
to the treatment room.

130
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,995
- A fruit juice?
- No, you're all right.

131
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,550
Pop your clothes off.
I'll be with you in a moment.

132
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,358
Psst!

133
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,998
- That's your two o'clock.
- I can't do it.

134
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:41,033
- He only wants a back-rub.
- You don't understand.

135
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,794
- I know him.
- So?

136
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,520
- He slept with Stella.
- What?!

137
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:50,235
He had an affair with my wife.
I can't touch him.

138
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,908
That's all right. He thinks it's me, remember?

139
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:57,312
Just think of the big tip
he'll give you at the end.

140
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,509
(PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS)

141
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,840
Hello. Is that you, miss?

142
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,153
(HIGH-PITCHED) Mmm.

143
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,437
Bit nervous, actually.
I've never really done this before.

144
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,959
(HIGH-PITCHED CHUCKLE)

145
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,151
- Jesus!
- What?

146
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,709
- Shh!
- Oh. Sorry.

147
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,911
(RATTLE)

148
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,111
Tris!

149
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,354
I think there's a crime to be solved.

150
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,556
- What?
- There's a crime gonna 'appen!

151
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,713
I heard these blokes.
They're gonna rob the cash and carry,

152
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,593
then sell the fags to their mates.

153
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,355
- Come on, Tris! This is it!
- But it's really late.

154
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,757
I know, but we'll miss 'em
if we don't go now.

155
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:45,990
- All right. I'm coming down.
- Smashing.

156
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:50,555
(THEME FROM "KNIGHT RIDER")

157
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,796
(ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hi, Neds.
Let's solve some crime.

158
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,520
- Have you phoned the police?
- Nearly there.

159
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:02,554
- Have you?
- It's OK. We've got Maxi.

160
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,791
I bet Gary will buy a few.

161
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,719
- (TYRES SCREECH)
- What was that?

162
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,911
Take cover. I'm warning you -

163
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,594
I'm not goin' back inside, not for no one.

164
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,836
("KNIGHT RIDER" THEME)

165
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,880
- What the bloody hell's that?
- Go on, Maxi!

166
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,875
Take me home! I'm scared!

167
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,318
- You'd better lock the doors.
- It's some bloke and his kid.

168
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,476
Ready, Tris?

169
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,718
- Get out of the car.
- Let's solve some crime.

170
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,717
Get out of the car!

171
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,791
(SQUEALS)

172
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,231
(GROANING)

173
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,118
(STELLA) Is that it?

174
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,477
I must say, you've got that down to a fine art.

175
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,756
I've done farts that lasted longer.

176
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,309
Sorry, I was thinkin' about somethin' else.

177
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,119
Well, join the club.

178
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,035
Stella...

179
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:26,239
Have you ever thought
about us havin' a...threesome?

180
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,749
I can't hear you, the immersion's on.

181
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:33,909
I said have you ever fantasised
about having a threesome?

182
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,072
No, not since Milli Vanilli split up. Why?

183
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,635
- What's brought this on?
- Nothin'.

184
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,950
I thought it might spice things up a bit.

185
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,277
- Ooh, you're a dark horse!
- Get off!

186
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,077
I was readin' about it in one of your "Bella"s.

187
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,515
- Oh.
- So?

188
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:56,474
I'm not having Judy Levinson's
dyed minge in me mouth,

189
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,631
while you peep out the airing cupboard.

190
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,268
- I'd be involved.
- How?!

191
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,829
You can't handle one woman, never mind two!

192
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,595
It needn't be another woman.
It could be something else.

193
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,196
If you think I'm calling
next door's dog in, think again.

194
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:14,272
No! Another fella.

195
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,996
- Who'd you have in mind?
- God. I don't know...

196
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,832
Tony.

197
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,878
- Tony?!
- Well, you seem to like 'im!

198
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,600
You want to watch, while me and Tony...?

199
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,354
- I could join in.
- Doin' what?!

200
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,592
- Whatever. Stroke his hair...
- Stroke his hair?!

201
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,149
- Whatever!
- Yeah, and I'll do his nails.

202
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,710
- Bloody 'ell!
- Look, Stella,

203
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:43,236
I'm tryin' to open somethin' up for you.

204
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,960
If all you can do is laugh, sod off!

205
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,754
Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie.

206
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,480
You're right. Tony could open somethin' up.

207
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:55,275
Trouble is, I don't think
I'd notice you were there.

208
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,549
Oh, Neds. You've gotta do summat.

209
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:06,077
- They've started a fire.
- Don't worry, Tris.

210
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,676
Maxi Power's still got
a few tricks up her sleeve.

211
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,950
(SLOWED-DOWN MUSIC)

212
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,270
- Oh, no!
- Now what?

213
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,792
Neds... What we gonna do?

214
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,232
(SINGS "KNIGHT RIDER" THEME)

215
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,039
Oh, fuck!

216
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,713
He's at it 'ammer and tongues all night.

217
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:43,475
She says, "Stop! Stop!" He says, "I am Thor!"

218
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,315
She says, "You're thore?
I'm tho thore I can't pith!"

219
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,191
- Tony.
- Charlie.

220
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,033
- Mind if I...?
- We're goin', anyway.

221
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:01,028
- All right, lads.
- See you, Tony.

222
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,191
So...

223
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:09,717
- How are you?
- Look, if it's about Stella...

224
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:14,431
No, no. That's all
forgotten about, in the past.

225
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,433
I just wanted to talk to you. Chat an' that.

226
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,511
Oh.

227
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,672
- Can I get you another pint?
- No, no. I'm fine.

228
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,677
Cheers.

229
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,676
So, I believe you've been
to this new massage parlour?

230
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:36,590
- Who told you that?
- I heard Iris tellin' Stella.

231
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,550
Did she throw in any extras?

232
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,594
She did, actually.
You'd never tell. She's a snooty bitch.

233
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,672
Always the dirty ones, aren't they?

234
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,354
- Was it good?
- Eh?

235
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,996
The actual job in hand,
did it come up to scratch?

236
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,398
- Yeah, it was fine.
- Oh, only fine?

237
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,755
What was wrong with it, then?

238
00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:08,799
No, it was good. It was...a wank.

239
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,070
So there was nothin' special about it?

240
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,555
Go yourself if you're that bothered.

241
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:17,554
I might. I'm just sayin' you
should tell her what you want.

242
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,711
How's she gonna learn otherwise?

243
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,956
Bloody 'ell. What is this? "Kilroy"?

244
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,475
Don't blame me if next time it's as bad.

245
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,631
Who says there'll be a next time?

246
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,753
You what? Go again. You've got to.

247
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:35,232
She might have been tired
by the time you turned up.

248
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,675
- All right, I'll go.
- When?

249
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:41,230
- Now. I'm all tensed up.
- You can't go now.

250
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,994
- She isn't there.
- I've just seen her.

251
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:49,871
Go tomorrow. She needs time
to think about what you've said.

252
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,075
- Eh?
- Please, Tony.

253
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,911
Go tomorrow.

254
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,830
All right.

255
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,710
'Scuse me. I wondered...

256
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,354
Excuse me. Would you like... hard cash?

257
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,991
- Excuse me, madam.
- Yes?

258
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,913
Oh, great. I 'm compiling a report.

259
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,629
I have one or two questions.
Would you take part?

260
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,519
- All right. If you're quick.
- OK.

261
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,672
First, everything you say is strictly confidential

262
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,389
and will go no further
than forming the basis of the report.

263
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,630
- OK, yes.
- Right. Got that out the way.

264
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:37,110
I have to make that clear
before we can proceed.

265
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,794
- Yes, I understand.
- Right. Excellent. OK.

266
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,396
Question 1. Are you prepared
to have your breast pinched?

267
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,956
- What?
- Do you want a breast pinching?

268
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,196
- I don't follow you.
- Simple question.

269
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,391
- Breast pinched, yes or no?
- What's this for?

270
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:52,959
- The report.
- What report?

271
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,151
- This one!
- Well...

272
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,995
- No, I don't want it pinched.
- Now we're getting somewhere.

273
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,311
"Refuses to have breast pinched."

274
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,915
Question 2. You sure you don't
want your breast pinched?

275
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,235
Here you go. Cheap at 'alf the price.

276
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,595
Thank you.

277
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:27,955
Don't take this the wrong way,

278
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,476
but you could do with one
of your own waxing treatments.

279
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,154
You know... Bit ticklish.

280
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,799
Right.

281
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,349
Listen, I was wondering
if you were free tonight?

282
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,239
- Free?
- Yeah, to go for a drink

283
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,391
or dinner or summat?

284
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,709
Oh, I...

285
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,356
Yes. Yes, I'd love to, Tony.

286
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:06,515
Great. I'll come for you after work, then.

287
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,831
See you.

288
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,555
Never mind who I am, answer the question -

289
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,756
do you want your breast pinched?

290
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,871
All right. Fair enough.

291
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,110
"Refuses to have her breast pinched."

292
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,274
(SIGHS) I must say, I'm disappointed so far.

293
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,990
What about that?
Hardly worth bothering at this rate.

294
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,270
OK, phase two. Excuse me, sir...

295
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:48,314
- Can I take your coat, signora?
- No, it's safer here.

296
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,875
No problemo.

297
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,709
Well, this is very...cosy.

298
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,030
Yeah. I knew it'd be up your street.

299
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,191
It's proper authentic Italian.

300
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:04,114
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Get them
prawns out the freezer, Darren.

301
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,795
Er... Thanks for me present.

302
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,309
- Present?
- Yeah.

303
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,914
I found it in me clothes after...you know...

304
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:17,358
Tony? I thought it were you.
What you doin' here?

305
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,109
- Just 'avin a quiet meal.
- Hello, Charles. Do join us.

306
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,756
No, I won't interrupt.
I only came in for some pizzas.

307
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,077
- I insist. Tony doesn't mind.
- No.

308
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,636
Oh, thanks. Excuse me.

309
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:36,232
- You're lookin' very nice.
- Thank you. The top I bought...

310
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,638
No, I meant Tony.
That St Christopher suits you.

311
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,075
- I'm happy wi' that.
- We were just admiring it.

312
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,993
- Where's it from?
- So, are you ready to order?

313
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,674
Oh, yes, please, Luigi.

314
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,832
- I start with the bruski...
- The bruschetta.

315
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,715
- Yeah. What is it?
- It's ciabatta with tomato,

316
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,474
garlic, a little basil, placed under the grill.

317
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,631
It's very tasty. I can recommend it.

318
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,995
Yeah, I'll have that, please, and...the veal.

319
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,475
Signora?

320
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,519
I had quite a late lunch,
so I'll have something light.

321
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,319
I'll begin with the melon...

322
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,553
balls...and then I think
I'll have the gnocchi verde.

323
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,194
(LUIGI) One gnocchi.

324
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,113
Sir?

325
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,158
The calamaris, is that
still lemon wedge, salad...?

326
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:36,711
- Si, signor.
- I'll have that and, er...

327
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,115
I'm feeling adventurous tonight, Luigi.

328
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,430
I think I'll try the liver and onions.

329
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,716
Yes, that'll put hairs on your chest, Charles.

330
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,871
So, one bruschetta and veal,

331
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:49,999
one melon and gnocchi verde
and one calamari and liver.

332
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,430
- Is that everything?
- Yes. Thank you.

333
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,397
Thank you.

334
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,431
- I'm going to the toilet.
- I'll come.

335
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,437
No!

336
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,748
You are naughty. We're here on a date.

337
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,879
- He just doesn't realise.
- The thing is, Charles...

338
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,838
I've never told anyone before...
When Eddie died...

339
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,951
I've gotta go.

340
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,675
Charles?

341
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,790
(URINATING)

342
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:33,356
- Tony?
- Oh, piss off! You're weird!

343
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:38,036
- I just need to explain summat.
- Get off! You queer or summat?

344
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,231
No! I just...

345
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,756
I love you!

346
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,151
- What do you mean?
- I'm in love with you.

347
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,835
Not in a queer way.
I just love the look of you,

348
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:52,991
your personality, your hair...

349
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:57,631
- Fuck off, Charlie.
- You know when summat clicks?

350
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,155
Well, this is it.

351
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,357
- I could be so good for you.
- "Minder"?

352
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,432
I can make you happy, I know I can.

353
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:11,031
Look, Charlie, I - a man -
am taking Judy - a woman -

354
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,191
to Barbara's.

355
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:16,033
A mistake. Don't try and follow us.

356
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,711
- It's not her, you know.
- What?

357
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:25,755
It's me. All your massages
and extras - I do it, not her!

358
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:29,157
- Don't be so childish.
- I've seen your birthmark.

359
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,110
Like the little red Teletubby.

360
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,953
- Po?
- You touch it sometimes,

361
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,315
when you're about to...

362
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,677
- Not my Po.
- I bought this wig.

363
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:51,038
- I thought maybe we could...
- You bastard!

364
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,753
(SQUEALS AND SOBS)

365
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:02,674
Here. You can have your
St Christopher back as well.

366
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,668
(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

367
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,394
I've never been so humiliated in my life!

368
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:15,551
Led on by a sad little homo!

369
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,799
I wouldn't like to be in your shoes
when Eddie finds out.

370
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:23,913
And don't come in tomorrow.
Your handyman days are over.

371
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,877
Pervert!

372
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,551
(GROANS)

373
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,118
Where is he? In here?

374
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,718
Charlie? I've come to tell you,
I've won the bingo. £2,000.

375
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,639
- I packed a bag for you, look.
- Where are we goin'?

376
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,435
I'm goin' to Fuengirola.
You're stayin' at the Windermere.

377
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:53,316
Oh, by the way, me and Tony
had that threesome last week.

378
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,392
Sorry I forgot to tell you. See you.

379
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:05,477
Excuse me, signor.
I'm afraid the calamaris is off.

380
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,995
(SOBS)

381
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,431
I can do you some chips.

382
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,474
- Excuse me, madam.
- Fuck off!

383
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:42,238
Excuse me? You dropped this.

384
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,796
(WOMAN SCREAMS)

385
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,155
(CRASH)

386
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,031
God! Are you all right?

387
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,635
- Tony?
- Don't try to speak.

388
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,791
Give me your hand.

389
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:01,792
If it wasn't for that
St Christopher's, you'd be dead.

390
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,349
- It's fate, Tony.
- Come on.

391
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,511
I'll take you back to the shop.

392
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,994
(PAULINE) He saved my life!

393
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,949
- Huh! Beauty and the beast.
- What's that?

394
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,311
Beauty and the beast.

395
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,275
Who was that he went off with? Charlie?