("LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN" THEME)
Excuse me, madam....
(MACHINE BLEEPS)
I wondered why you wanted the housekeeping all in tens.
- Change machine's broke. - We've got no money as it is,
without pumping it into the greedy slits.
- Girl needs an 'obby. - Gambling's not a hobby.
I watch them. This one's not given out for three weeks.
Hmph! It's not the only one.
You've got a counsellor, talk to him.
All right! If you get two bars, should you nudge or hold?
Not bothered.
Why do you want to sit in here all day? It stinks.
- What's goin' on? - Oh, I get it.
Oh, 'ello, Tony. What are you doin' here?
- I work here. - Oh, yeah. So you do.
I told you to stay away from Crystal Tipps here.
Like I say, Charlie, a girl needs an 'obby.
Come on, Tony. Hold me melons while I nudge this bell.
(BLEEPS)
- (PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS) - Let the music wash over you.
- How's that volume? - Fine, thanks.
Excellent. In the beauty trade, we call this "relaxitive" music.
You can purchase the CD in reception for just £12.99.
- No, thank you. - Fine.
(MOUTHS)
Have you ever had a massage before?
Not for a while, no.
Right.
(HER VOICE) Your massage today will be an invigorating one...
..concentrating on your neck, arms and upper body.
So the essential oils I've chosen for you
are ylang-ylang, which is a pale yellow oil
with an extremely sweet, exotic scent...
and bergamot, which has a fruity aroma
with a slight balsamic undertone,
best before Feb 2004.
How are they for you?
- Good. - Hmm... Fi ne.
Good.
I'll begin with long strokes down your arms and shoulders.
Nice and gently at first. Just try to relax.
- (WOMAN) You want a brew, love? - Mother, I'm busy!
- Don 't bite me head off! - Sorry. My cleaner.
Just try to relax. That's it.
Let me drain all the tension from your body.
Oh, that was lovely, thank you.
Thank YOU. Do come and see us again.
- Goodbye. - Bye-bye.
Charles! Charles! Look! A £3 tip.
Bloody 'ell! I can't believe we got away with it.
You are clever. You learned this in the merchant navy?
Yeah, but I couldn't open up a posh place like this.
- Who'd come? - The perfect partnership.
I've got the looks. You've got the brawn.
It's like having your hands on my body.
Imagine how strange and wonderful that would feel.
I'm a married man, Mrs Levinson.
Yes, of course.
And I must think of Eddie.
Let's have a toast...to Spit & Polish.
No, no, no. To beauty...
and the beast.
Beauty and the beast.
- Is Neds in? - What do you think?
- Can I see him? - Go on, then.
Hey, tell him he's got to get his prescription.
- Hi, Neds. - Is that Tristan?
- Is she nearly finished? - Nearly.
- It's lookin' good. - Did you get the machine gun?
I couldn't find one. I fitted this, though.
It spits out paper fasteners.
It should be drawing pins, but Mrs Ridley's run out.
She said they was quite sharp,
but I don't know if they'd burst a villain's tyres.
Anyway, she's getting some more drawing pins in.
Hey, I've not shown you this yet. Get in. Come on.
- (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hi. Neds. - That's good, innit?
- Let's solve some crime. - Wow!
She's alive, Tris.
- Maxi Power's finally alive. - Hi, Neds.
Mmm! Oh, that's nice.
(PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS)
(MRS LEVINSON) Now, ifyou turn over, I'll do your front.
That's it. Lovely.
Oh! You have lovely soft 'ands!
I tell you what, love. You don't do extras, do you?
Oh, I've embarrassed you now.
It's just that as you can see, I'm a bit...stimulated.
It'll not take long, love.
Shall we say £20?
Well, say summat.
Let me drain all the tension from your body.
Oh, cheers, love. You're a good lass.
As I say, it'll not take long.
Me wife's got arthritis, you see, and it's getting worse.
Three weeks ago, she were peeling oranges, but now...
I still love her and everything, you know...
but...me daughter's disabled... A man has needs.
Anyway, you better hurry up, love.
I'm not sure it'll last much longer.
Oh! That's it!
Steady on, love. You're not plunging a sink!
Oh, yes!
Oh...yes, indeed. Oh!
Oh, he's nearly there now!
There we go! Ooh, yes!
That's the ticket!
Oh...
So, feeling more relaxed now?
Oh, yes, thanks, love. Spot on.
Good. Would you like to book another session?
Definitely.
If you buy a gold card, you can come as many times as you want.
Oh?
Oh, there you are, Charles? Everything all right?
I don't know what you did today, but look - a £20 tip!
He was a very satisfied customer.
I do hope you can keep this up, Charles.
# You need hands to hold someone you care for
# You need hands to show that you're sincere
# When you feel nobody wants to know you
# You need hands to brush away the tears
# When you hold a brand-new baby
# You need tender hands
# To guide them on their way, hey, hey
# You need hands to thank the Lord for living... #
- And the name is...? - Tony Bell.
Ah, yes. If you take yourself to the treatment room.
- A fruit juice? - No, you're all right.
Pop your clothes off. I'll be with you in a moment.
Psst!
- That's your two o'clock. - I can't do it.
- He only wants a back-rub. - You don't understand.
- I know him. - So?
- He slept with Stella. - What?!
He had an affair with my wife. I can't touch him.
That's all right. He thinks it's me, remember?
Just think of the big tip he'll give you at the end.
(PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS)
Hello. Is that you, miss?
(HIGH-PITCHED) Mmm.
Bit nervous, actually. I've never really done this before.
(HIGH-PITCHED CHUCKLE)
- Jesus! - What?
- Shh! - Oh. Sorry.
(RATTLE)
Tris!
I think there's a crime to be solved.
- What? - There's a crime gonna 'appen!
I heard these blokes. They're gonna rob the cash and carry,
then sell the fags to their mates.
- Come on, Tris! This is it! - But it's really late.
I know, but we'll miss 'em if we don't go now.
- All right. I'm coming down. - Smashing.
(THEME FROM "KNIGHT RIDER")
(ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hi, Neds. Let's solve some crime.
- Have you phoned the police? - Nearly there.
- Have you? - It's OK. We've got Maxi.
I bet Gary will buy a few.
- (TYRES SCREECH) - What was that?
Take cover. I'm warning you -
I'm not goin' back inside, not for no one.
("KNIGHT RIDER" THEME)
- What the bloody hell's that? - Go on, Maxi!
Take me home! I'm scared!
- You'd better lock the doors. - It's some bloke and his kid.
Ready, Tris?
- Get out of the car. - Let's solve some crime.
Get out of the car!
(SQUEALS)
(GROANING)
(STELLA) Is that it?
I must say, you've got that down to a fine art.
I've done farts that lasted longer.
Sorry, I was thinkin' about somethin' else.
Well, join the club.
Stella...
Have you ever thought about us havin' a...threesome?
I can't hear you, the immersion's on.
I said have you ever fantasised about having a threesome?
No, not since Milli Vanilli split up. Why?
- What's brought this on? - Nothin'.
I thought it might spice things up a bit.
- Ooh, you're a dark horse! - Get off!
I was readin' about it in one of your "Bella"s.
- Oh. - So?
I'm not having Judy Levinson's dyed minge in me mouth,
while you peep out the airing cupboard.
- I'd be involved. - How?!
You can't handle one woman, never mind two!
It needn't be another woman. It could be something else.
If you think I'm calling next door's dog in, think again.
No! Another fella.
- Who'd you have in mind? - God. I don't know...
Tony.
- Tony?! - Well, you seem to like 'im!
You want to watch, while me and Tony...?
- I could join in. - Doin' what?!
- Whatever. Stroke his hair... - Stroke his hair?!
- Whatever! - Yeah, and I'll do his nails.
- Bloody 'ell! - Look, Stella,
I'm tryin' to open somethin' up for you.
If all you can do is laugh, sod off!
Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie.
You're right. Tony could open somethin' up.
Trouble is, I don't think I'd notice you were there.
Oh, Neds. You've gotta do summat.
- They've started a fire. - Don't worry, Tris.
Maxi Power's still got a few tricks up her sleeve.
(SLOWED-DOWN MUSIC)
- Oh, no! - Now what?
Neds... What we gonna do?
(SINGS "KNIGHT RIDER" THEME)
Oh, fuck!
He's at it 'ammer and tongues all night.
She says, "Stop! Stop!" He says, "I am Thor!"
She says, "You're thore? I'm tho thore I can't pith!"
- Tony. - Charlie.
- Mind if I...? - We're goin', anyway.
- All right, lads. - See you, Tony.
So...
- How are you? - Look, if it's about Stella...
No, no. That's all forgotten about, in the past.
I just wanted to talk to you. Chat an' that.
Oh.
- Can I get you another pint? - No, no. I'm fine.
Cheers.
So, I believe you've been to this new massage parlour?
- Who told you that? - I heard Iris tellin' Stella.
Did she throw in any extras?
She did, actually. You'd never tell. She's a snooty bitch.
Always the dirty ones, aren't they?
- Was it good? - Eh?
The actual job in hand, did it come up to scratch?
- Yeah, it was fine. - Oh, only fine?
What was wrong with it, then?
No, it was good. It was...a wank.
So there was nothin' special about it?
Go yourself if you're that bothered.
I might. I'm just sayin' you should tell her what you want.
How's she gonna learn otherwise?
Bloody 'ell. What is this? "Kilroy"?
Don't blame me if next time it's as bad.
Who says there'll be a next time?
You what? Go again. You've got to.
She might have been tired by the time you turned up.
- All right, I'll go. - When?
- Now. I'm all tensed up. - You can't go now.
- She isn't there. - I've just seen her.
Go tomorrow. She needs time to think about what you've said.
- Eh? - Please, Tony.
Go tomorrow.
All right.
'Scuse me. I wondered...
Excuse me. Would you like... hard cash?
- Excuse me, madam. - Yes?
Oh, great. I 'm compiling a report.
I have one or two questions. Would you take part?
- All right. If you're quick. - OK.
First, everything you say is strictly confidential
and will go no further than forming the basis of the report.
- OK, yes. - Right. Got that out the way.
I have to make that clear before we can proceed.
- Yes, I understand. - Right. Excellent. OK.
Question 1. Are you prepared to have your breast pinched?
- What? - Do you want a breast pinching?
- I don't follow you. - Simple question.
- Breast pinched, yes or no? - What's this for?
- The report. - What report?
- This one! - Well...
- No, I don't want it pinched. - Now we're getting somewhere.
"Refuses to have breast pinched."
Question 2. You sure you don't want your breast pinched?
Here you go. Cheap at 'alf the price.
Thank you.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but you could do with one of your own waxing treatments.
You know... Bit ticklish.
Right.
Listen, I was wondering if you were free tonight?
- Free? - Yeah, to go for a drink
or dinner or summat?
Oh, I...
Yes. Yes, I'd love to, Tony.
Great. I'll come for you after work, then.
See you.
Never mind who I am, answer the question -
do you want your breast pinched?
All right. Fair enough.
"Refuses to have her breast pinched."
(SIGHS) I must say, I'm disappointed so far.
What about that? Hardly worth bothering at this rate.
OK, phase two. Excuse me, sir...
- Can I take your coat, signora? - No, it's safer here.
No problemo.
Well, this is very...cosy.
Yeah. I knew it'd be up your street.
It's proper authentic Italian.
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Get them prawns out the freezer, Darren.
Er... Thanks for me present.
- Present? - Yeah.
I found it in me clothes after...you know...
Tony? I thought it were you. What you doin' here?
- Just 'avin a quiet meal. - Hello, Charles. Do join us.
No, I won't interrupt. I only came in for some pizzas.
- I insist. Tony doesn't mind. - No.
Oh, thanks. Excuse me.
- You're lookin' very nice. - Thank you. The top I bought...
No, I meant Tony. That St Christopher suits you.
- I'm happy wi' that. - We were just admiring it.
- Where's it from? - So, are you ready to order?
Oh, yes, please, Luigi.
- I start with the bruski... - The bruschetta.
- Yeah. What is it? - It's ciabatta with tomato,
garlic, a little basil, placed under the grill.
It's very tasty. I can recommend it.
Yeah, I'll have that, please, and...the veal.
Signora?
I had quite a late lunch, so I'll have something light.
I'll begin with the melon...
balls...and then I think I'll have the gnocchi verde.
(LUIGI) One gnocchi.
Sir?
The calamaris, is that still lemon wedge, salad...?
- Si, signor. - I'll have that and, er...
I'm feeling adventurous tonight, Luigi.
I think I'll try the liver and onions.
Yes, that'll put hairs on your chest, Charles.
So, one bruschetta and veal,
one melon and gnocchi verde and one calamari and liver.
- Is that everything? - Yes. Thank you.
Thank you.
- I'm going to the toilet. - I'll come.
No!
You are naughty. We're here on a date.
- He just doesn't realise. - The thing is, Charles...
I've never told anyone before... When Eddie died...
I've gotta go.
Charles?
(URINATING)
- Tony? - Oh, piss off! You're weird!
- I just need to explain summat. - Get off! You queer or summat?
No! I just...
I love you!
- What do you mean? - I'm in love with you.
Not in a queer way. I just love the look of you,
your personality, your hair...
- Fuck off, Charlie. - You know when summat clicks?
Well, this is it.
- I could be so good for you. - "Minder"?
I can make you happy, I know I can.
Look, Charlie, I - a man - am taking Judy - a woman -
to Barbara's.
A mistake. Don't try and follow us.
- It's not her, you know. - What?
It's me. All your massages and extras - I do it, not her!
- Don't be so childish. - I've seen your birthmark.
Like the little red Teletubby.
- Po? - You touch it sometimes,
when you're about to...
- Not my Po. - I bought this wig.
- I thought maybe we could... - You bastard!
(SQUEALS AND SOBS)
Here. You can have your St Christopher back as well.
(SCREAMS IN PAIN)
I've never been so humiliated in my life!
Led on by a sad little homo!
I wouldn't like to be in your shoes when Eddie finds out.
And don't come in tomorrow. Your handyman days are over.
Pervert!
(GROANS)
Where is he? In here?
Charlie? I've come to tell you, I've won the bingo. £2,000.
- I packed a bag for you, look. - Where are we goin'?
I'm goin' to Fuengirola. You're stayin' at the Windermere.
Oh, by the way, me and Tony had that threesome last week.
Sorry I forgot to tell you. See you.
Excuse me, signor. I'm afraid the calamaris is off.
(SOBS)
I can do you some chips.
- Excuse me, madam. - Fuck off!
Excuse me? You dropped this.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(CRASH)
God! Are you all right?
- Tony? - Don't try to speak.
Give me your hand.
If it wasn't for that St Christopher's, you'd be dead.
- It's fate, Tony. - Come on.
I'll take you back to the shop.
(PAULINE) He saved my life!
- Huh! Beauty and the beast. - What's that?
Beauty and the beast.
Who was that he went off with? Charlie?