1 00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:07,007 _ 2 00:00:08,136 --> 00:00:09,535 I think it's cute. 3 00:00:09,537 --> 00:00:11,571 Tyler and Clementine's first dinner party 4 00:00:11,573 --> 00:00:13,873 as a married couple, and we're the ones they invited? 5 00:00:13,875 --> 00:00:15,113 Yeah, I think there was another couple 6 00:00:15,138 --> 00:00:17,277 that was supposed to come, but they had freshman orientation. 7 00:00:19,175 --> 00:00:21,147 - Wow, look at you! - Hey, guys! 8 00:00:21,149 --> 00:00:23,416 Matthew, Colleen, glad you could make it. 9 00:00:23,418 --> 00:00:26,653 Welcome to our home of Tyler's parents. 10 00:00:29,370 --> 00:00:29,900 Mmm. 11 00:00:29,925 --> 00:00:32,817 Well, this is the best tiny cup of soup in a cucumber 12 00:00:32,842 --> 00:00:33,826 I've ever had. 13 00:00:33,828 --> 00:00:34,854 It's vichyssoise. 14 00:00:34,879 --> 00:00:36,206 We're both really into French cuisine. 15 00:00:36,231 --> 00:00:36,971 Oh. 16 00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:38,364 We're Francophiles. 17 00:00:38,366 --> 00:00:40,400 That means that we love anything French. 18 00:00:40,425 --> 00:00:40,874 Mm. 19 00:00:40,899 --> 00:00:42,522 All couples need to have something to share. 20 00:00:42,547 --> 00:00:44,570 We also love animals... all pets, really. 21 00:00:44,572 --> 00:00:45,905 I guess you could call us pet-o-philes. 22 00:00:47,542 --> 00:00:49,375 I don't think we're going to call you that. 23 00:00:49,377 --> 00:00:51,177 Here's a nickel's worth of free advice 24 00:00:51,179 --> 00:00:53,046 for when you guys get married. 25 00:00:53,048 --> 00:00:54,047 Listen closely. 26 00:00:54,049 --> 00:00:54,881 Okay. 27 00:00:54,883 --> 00:00:55,581 Are you listening? 28 00:00:55,583 --> 00:00:56,382 Oh, yeah. 29 00:00:56,384 --> 00:00:58,017 Communication is everything. 30 00:00:58,108 --> 00:01:00,687 We believe in total honesty. 31 00:01:00,689 --> 00:01:02,956 Clementine knows my entire romantic history. 32 00:01:02,958 --> 00:01:04,223 You have no romantic history. 33 00:01:04,225 --> 00:01:05,399 And she knows that. 34 00:01:05,424 --> 00:01:07,727 Yeah, see, it just, it gets a little bit more complicated 35 00:01:07,729 --> 00:01:10,096 when you get older and you've lived separate lives. 36 00:01:10,098 --> 00:01:11,731 Matt's right... there are some secrets 37 00:01:11,733 --> 00:01:14,067 that just don't need to be shared. 38 00:01:14,069 --> 00:01:16,543 Secrets? I didn't say anything about secrets. 39 00:01:16,568 --> 00:01:18,067 Details, I meant. 40 00:01:18,092 --> 00:01:19,282 Like details, secrets are all just things 41 00:01:19,307 --> 00:01:20,306 you want to keep to yourself. 42 00:01:20,308 --> 00:01:21,641 Should we open that wine? 43 00:01:21,643 --> 00:01:23,009 Oh, we can't drink, but we do have 44 00:01:23,011 --> 00:01:24,544 some delicious sparkling cider. 45 00:01:24,546 --> 00:01:26,325 Oh, honey, did we put that on ice? 46 00:01:26,350 --> 00:01:28,467 Well, I-I was saving it for the second course, 47 00:01:28,492 --> 00:01:31,076 but what the heck, let's live dangerously, right? 48 00:01:31,101 --> 00:01:32,334 Open the 2016! 49 00:01:32,454 --> 00:01:34,189 Whoo! 50 00:01:35,757 --> 00:01:38,024 - Oh, honey, I love your pommes frites. - Thank you. 51 00:01:38,026 --> 00:01:40,123 You know what I love about you? You know, sometimes you say 52 00:01:40,148 --> 00:01:41,965 the word "secrets" when you really mean details. 53 00:01:41,990 --> 00:01:43,953 - Oh, you still haven't let that go? - Mmm. 54 00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:46,604 Hey, we know a great communication game. 55 00:01:46,629 --> 00:01:48,534 It's for solving fights in your bunk at camp, 56 00:01:48,536 --> 00:01:51,037 but it also works for married couples, 57 00:01:51,039 --> 00:01:52,772 and you guys will be joining the club soon. 58 00:01:53,119 --> 00:01:54,752 Matt will be the vault, 59 00:01:54,777 --> 00:01:57,293 Clementine will be the banker, and Colleen is the customer. 60 00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:59,445 And then the secret is the money. 61 00:01:59,447 --> 00:02:01,614 So I'm the guard, so I stand here and block you 62 00:02:01,616 --> 00:02:03,349 until you're ready to give the money 63 00:02:03,351 --> 00:02:04,200 to the banker, 64 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:05,562 who then knocks three times. 65 00:02:05,587 --> 00:02:06,452 Okay. 66 00:02:06,975 --> 00:02:08,249 I had a sugar daddy. 67 00:02:08,719 --> 00:02:10,523 No, first you tell the banker. 68 00:02:10,525 --> 00:02:12,792 You had a sugar daddy? When? 69 00:02:12,794 --> 00:02:14,594 In college... I answered an ad. 70 00:02:14,596 --> 00:02:15,762 It was 100 bucks an hour 71 00:02:15,764 --> 00:02:16,657 to be a companion 72 00:02:16,682 --> 00:02:18,231 to a sweet old man. 73 00:02:18,233 --> 00:02:19,716 He was losing his sight and wanted me 74 00:02:19,741 --> 00:02:20,733 to read him the classics. 75 00:02:20,735 --> 00:02:22,035 Uh... 76 00:02:22,037 --> 00:02:23,703 How is that a sugar daddy? 77 00:02:23,705 --> 00:02:24,937 Did I leave out that I was naked? 78 00:02:24,939 --> 00:02:26,105 - Yes, yes, you did. - Yeah. 79 00:02:26,130 --> 00:02:27,471 See, that's the kind of thing that a banker 80 00:02:27,496 --> 00:02:29,175 could've stored in a fund in order to... 81 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,959 You know, I robbed the bank, Tyler. 82 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:31,654 Game over. 83 00:02:31,679 --> 00:02:33,079 I don't see what the big deal is. 84 00:02:33,081 --> 00:02:34,647 She read naked to some old guy. 85 00:02:34,649 --> 00:02:35,241 Exactly. 86 00:02:35,266 --> 00:02:36,710 I think that crosses a line. 87 00:02:36,735 --> 00:02:39,519 Well, we don't always have to agree. 88 00:02:39,962 --> 00:02:40,953 I disagree. 89 00:02:40,955 --> 00:02:43,022 In our wedding vows, you promised to respect me. 90 00:02:43,024 --> 00:02:45,736 And you promised to respect me. 91 00:02:45,761 --> 00:02:47,693 - You said it first. - I know. 92 00:02:47,695 --> 00:02:49,395 The one who says it last is the respecter. 93 00:02:49,397 --> 00:02:50,263 You're the respecter. 94 00:02:50,265 --> 00:02:51,764 You are, I'm older. 95 00:02:51,766 --> 00:02:53,566 Stop rubbing that in my face, will you? 96 00:02:53,568 --> 00:02:54,513 You said it didn't bother you. 97 00:02:54,538 --> 00:02:56,939 I was lying! Do you know how it feels to know 98 00:02:56,964 --> 00:02:58,815 that your wife has had one more Christmas than you? 99 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,566 I thought that we were always honest with each other. 100 00:03:00,591 --> 00:03:01,941 How can I be honest when you're always crying? 101 00:03:01,943 --> 00:03:04,310 I am not always crying! 102 00:03:04,312 --> 00:03:05,545 You are acting like a child, 103 00:03:05,547 --> 00:03:07,146 not the teenage boy that I married! 104 00:03:07,148 --> 00:03:09,315 - Where are you going? - To Mr. Murphy's. 105 00:03:09,317 --> 00:03:11,050 Oh, our tenth-grade English teacher. 106 00:03:11,052 --> 00:03:11,799 Kevin always said 107 00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:12,796 I could stay there if I needed to. 108 00:03:12,821 --> 00:03:13,810 - Kevin? - Mm-hmm. 109 00:03:13,835 --> 00:03:16,766 Well, someday, I'll have a pool in my apartment complex, too. 110 00:03:17,942 --> 00:03:19,208 Uh, hey, you guys. 111 00:03:19,319 --> 00:03:21,386 Oh, no! My frog legs! 112 00:03:22,942 --> 00:03:25,198 I'm sorry we had our first fight in front of you guys. 113 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,533 You open to a little advice from a non-married couple? 114 00:03:27,535 --> 00:03:29,702 I don't know what you could teach us, but sure. 115 00:03:29,704 --> 00:03:32,371 Remember that you're talking to someone that you love. 116 00:03:32,373 --> 00:03:34,930 And stick to "I" statements, like, 117 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,410 "I felt hurt when you called me a fart face." 118 00:03:37,412 --> 00:03:38,377 Mmm. 119 00:03:38,660 --> 00:03:39,659 Give it a try. 120 00:03:40,538 --> 00:03:42,748 Clem, I... 121 00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:44,784 If you go to Mr. Murphy's house, I swear to God, 122 00:03:44,786 --> 00:03:46,752 I will write a song eviscerating him. 123 00:03:46,754 --> 00:03:48,354 Don't use your music as a weapon. 124 00:03:48,356 --> 00:03:49,870 I don't want to, but you're making me. 125 00:03:49,895 --> 00:03:52,125 You are your own man, Tyler. 126 00:03:52,197 --> 00:03:54,407 No, I'm your man, Clementine. 127 00:03:58,617 --> 00:04:00,366 - Ooh, all right. - Okay. 128 00:04:00,653 --> 00:04:01,719 - Uh, you know what? - Thank you so much. 129 00:04:01,744 --> 00:04:02,626 You can just let us show ourselves out. 130 00:04:02,651 --> 00:04:03,736 Oh, no, no, no, you don't have to go. 131 00:04:03,761 --> 00:04:05,502 We just have something we have to do in my room. 132 00:04:05,527 --> 00:04:07,393 Meet you back in 45? 133 00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:09,011 Bon appétit! 134 00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:11,808 - 45 minutes! - 45... 135 00:04:12,013 --> 00:04:13,188 That's impressive! 136 00:04:13,213 --> 00:04:15,446 Maybe they do have something they can teach us. 137 00:04:15,665 --> 00:04:17,505 _ 138 00:04:18,119 --> 00:04:19,614 I think I got it, John. 139 00:04:19,616 --> 00:04:21,895 I mean, I think I finally figured out 140 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,570 how to get rid of this awful anxiety. 141 00:04:23,595 --> 00:04:25,344 I'm going to try and write a novel. 142 00:04:26,523 --> 00:04:28,190 That's great! 143 00:04:28,192 --> 00:04:29,925 Is it about a horse that dies? 144 00:04:29,927 --> 00:04:31,693 Because those are the only good ones. 145 00:04:31,991 --> 00:04:33,046 No. 146 00:04:33,071 --> 00:04:38,017 It's about an older woman's sexual reawakening 147 00:04:38,042 --> 00:04:41,515 when she falls in love with a Colombian drug lord. 148 00:04:41,546 --> 00:04:43,605 She's a speech therapist, 149 00:04:43,607 --> 00:04:45,958 and she's helping him with his stutter, 150 00:04:45,983 --> 00:04:49,547 and it's called Te, Te, Te, Te Amo. 151 00:04:49,572 --> 00:04:50,398 Oh. 152 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:52,414 Are there mules in it? Because they could die. 153 00:04:52,690 --> 00:04:54,383 No, no, no, here, look. 154 00:04:54,408 --> 00:04:57,632 I've applied to a creative writing class at the college. 155 00:04:57,657 --> 00:04:59,862 - Mm-hmm. - And I had to submit a sample, 156 00:04:59,887 --> 00:05:01,734 and now I'm waiting to see if I got in. 157 00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:04,393 I wouldn't keep my hopes up too much, Joanie, 158 00:05:04,427 --> 00:05:05,730 but if you don't get in, 159 00:05:06,185 --> 00:05:08,279 you can always, uh, write me notes 160 00:05:08,304 --> 00:05:10,604 to remember to take my pills. 161 00:05:12,123 --> 00:05:14,357 "She gently cupped his cheek. 162 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:16,158 "You will overcome this stutter. 163 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,261 "The tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. 164 00:05:19,263 --> 00:05:21,130 "He looked at her, eyes blazing. 165 00:05:21,132 --> 00:05:25,167 'N-n-n-n-not in mine, ' he sort of replied." 166 00:05:26,270 --> 00:05:28,304 Can you explain this, Joan? 167 00:05:28,306 --> 00:05:30,005 Uh, not really. 168 00:05:30,007 --> 00:05:32,808 In a word, I'd say your writing is excellent. 169 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:33,809 Oh, my! 170 00:05:33,811 --> 00:05:34,847 But in many words, 171 00:05:34,872 --> 00:05:37,340 I'd say it's very, very excellent. 172 00:05:38,256 --> 00:05:39,802 Like a fierce, taloned bird 173 00:05:39,827 --> 00:05:41,450 by whom I want to be mauled. 174 00:05:41,452 --> 00:05:43,690 - Oh, thank you! - Hm. 175 00:05:43,715 --> 00:05:45,225 I'm terrified of birds. 176 00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:47,316 Our lives are a story, Joan. 177 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,606 And if you want the pages to flitter effortlessly... 178 00:05:51,162 --> 00:05:52,461 Excuse me. 179 00:05:53,262 --> 00:05:54,244 Yes. 180 00:05:54,269 --> 00:05:57,571 Uh, no, I want the bread toasted, please... thank you. 181 00:05:58,503 --> 00:06:01,270 But seriously, great meeting you, and, uh... 182 00:06:01,272 --> 00:06:03,890 Oh, blast! Can I borrow your phone charger, by any chance? 183 00:06:03,915 --> 00:06:04,859 Oh, of course. 184 00:06:04,884 --> 00:06:06,077 Oh, thank you. 185 00:06:07,863 --> 00:06:09,104 Um... 186 00:06:10,472 --> 00:06:13,391 Do you want me to wait while you charge your phone? 187 00:06:14,196 --> 00:06:15,351 Hmm? 188 00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:16,835 _ 189 00:06:19,996 --> 00:06:21,757 Well? What's the verdict? 190 00:06:22,262 --> 00:06:25,210 - I didn't get in. - Oh, Joanie. 191 00:06:25,235 --> 00:06:26,919 Because the professor invited me 192 00:06:26,944 --> 00:06:29,776 to join his advanced writing workshop! 193 00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:30,744 Oh, yeah? 194 00:06:30,769 --> 00:06:32,746 Oh, that's great! 195 00:06:34,904 --> 00:06:36,338 I had a hunch. 196 00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:38,374 Oh, thank you! 197 00:06:38,376 --> 00:06:41,510 Oh, I feel so hopeful! 198 00:06:41,512 --> 00:06:45,414 He called my writing delightfully inappropriate. 199 00:06:45,416 --> 00:06:47,349 Your professor is a he? 200 00:06:47,351 --> 00:06:50,553 In college now, the kids don't say "he" or "she." 201 00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:51,954 They say, "ze," 202 00:06:51,956 --> 00:06:56,025 and I don't appreciate what you're insinuating about zim. 203 00:06:56,027 --> 00:07:00,759 The only reason men write books or buy books or read books 204 00:07:00,916 --> 00:07:02,416 is to get laid. 205 00:07:02,567 --> 00:07:03,535 I read that. 206 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,193 He's a college professor. 207 00:07:05,269 --> 00:07:07,843 If he wanted to seduce a student, 208 00:07:07,868 --> 00:07:10,216 I think he'd pick someone who didn't have to take 209 00:07:10,241 --> 00:07:13,342 the silver edition One-a-Days. 210 00:07:13,344 --> 00:07:16,832 She wrote a, uh, brilliant book on existential poetry 211 00:07:16,857 --> 00:07:18,490 called, W, X, Why Me? 212 00:07:18,999 --> 00:07:21,906 It was a follow-up to her debut novel, Tears of a Yak. 213 00:07:21,931 --> 00:07:22,710 Have you read that? 214 00:07:22,735 --> 00:07:25,035 - Oh, no, I've heard of it. - Oh, yes, it's magnificent... 215 00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:25,855 I'll get you a copy, 216 00:07:25,857 --> 00:07:27,008 - you have to read it. - Oh, thank you! 217 00:07:27,032 --> 00:07:27,867 It's a very quick read. 218 00:07:27,868 --> 00:07:29,492 John, what are you doing here? 219 00:07:29,494 --> 00:07:30,860 Well, can't an old quarterback 220 00:07:30,862 --> 00:07:33,162 pick up his cheerleader from school? 221 00:07:33,164 --> 00:07:35,297 What am I supposed to do with my car? 222 00:07:35,299 --> 00:07:36,599 You must be John. 223 00:07:36,601 --> 00:07:37,666 Sinclair Wild. 224 00:07:37,668 --> 00:07:39,193 I'm Joan's professor. 225 00:07:39,218 --> 00:07:40,484 He's also an author. 226 00:07:40,509 --> 00:07:43,370 Well, I suppose I have hatched a few novels. 227 00:07:43,395 --> 00:07:45,762 You may have read my Cliff Notes for the Twilight series. 228 00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:47,343 - Uh... - No? 229 00:07:47,345 --> 00:07:50,679 - Anyway, I'm your wife's biggest fan. - Oh, no. 230 00:07:50,681 --> 00:07:53,182 Same here, that's why I married her. 231 00:07:55,090 --> 00:07:57,105 Yes, well, that's, that's quite a visual. 232 00:07:57,379 --> 00:07:59,779 I wish my phone was charged so I could take a picture of it. 233 00:08:01,044 --> 00:08:02,085 That ought to hold you 234 00:08:02,110 --> 00:08:05,378 till we get to the bathroom at the gas station. 235 00:08:08,594 --> 00:08:11,043 Oh, yeah, he definitely wants to sleep with you. 236 00:08:11,068 --> 00:08:14,076 At least go up your shirt over your bra. 237 00:08:14,101 --> 00:08:15,581 John, what are you doing? 238 00:08:15,606 --> 00:08:17,773 Why are you acting like this? 239 00:08:17,775 --> 00:08:21,577 I just can't see why you'd be accepted to the advanced class. 240 00:08:21,579 --> 00:08:24,980 I love you, Joanie, but you're not writing literature here, 241 00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:27,026 you're writing horseless smut. 242 00:08:27,051 --> 00:08:29,677 Oh, that's a terrible thing to say. 243 00:08:29,702 --> 00:08:31,577 I'm so sick of your horses, 244 00:08:31,602 --> 00:08:33,855 and Black Beauty didn't win the Nobel Prize, 245 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,780 no matter what you say! 246 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:43,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 247 00:08:45,237 --> 00:08:46,837 Go around! 248 00:08:46,971 --> 00:08:50,172 I'm old and reading. 249 00:08:50,174 --> 00:08:51,740 Joanie. 250 00:08:51,742 --> 00:08:53,642 I owe you a big apology. 251 00:08:53,644 --> 00:08:56,512 I was wrong to judge your book by its cover. 252 00:08:57,605 --> 00:08:59,472 And the cover was just the beginning. 253 00:08:59,584 --> 00:09:02,318 Yes, that's how books work, John. 254 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,186 I finished it in the bathroom. 255 00:09:04,736 --> 00:09:07,270 I stayed way past the flush, Joanie, 256 00:09:07,568 --> 00:09:08,967 and that's got to mean something. 257 00:09:09,126 --> 00:09:11,827 You're a real writer... a good one. 258 00:09:11,829 --> 00:09:15,197 Thank you, and you're a real horse's ass... a good one. 259 00:09:15,199 --> 00:09:18,867 Yeah, I know, I guess I just didn't like the idea of, 260 00:09:18,869 --> 00:09:21,103 of you discussing loins 261 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,829 and such with another man. 262 00:09:23,977 --> 00:09:25,777 Unless it's our butcher. 263 00:09:25,802 --> 00:09:27,134 Because he's gay, of course. 264 00:09:27,629 --> 00:09:29,795 And I realize now that your professor, 265 00:09:30,098 --> 00:09:32,866 all he was after was your brilliant mind. 266 00:09:33,017 --> 00:09:34,883 Thank you. 267 00:09:34,885 --> 00:09:36,485 And our butcher is not gay. 268 00:09:36,487 --> 00:09:39,221 But he's always talking about pounding chuck. 269 00:09:39,223 --> 00:09:42,124 - What? - I thought that was his boyfriend. 270 00:09:48,123 --> 00:09:50,289 Next, Marcus. 271 00:09:50,362 --> 00:09:51,876 Ashante's Inferno. 272 00:09:52,410 --> 00:09:54,369 Was both senseless and pointless, 273 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:57,315 so a vast improvement on your previous work. 274 00:09:57,340 --> 00:09:58,706 Luckily for all of us, 275 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,198 we had another gripping submission from Joan. 276 00:10:01,278 --> 00:10:02,811 Oh, thank you. 277 00:10:02,813 --> 00:10:03,957 Thank you, everybody, 278 00:10:03,982 --> 00:10:05,347 for reading it. 279 00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:07,616 Thank you Joss for... signing. 280 00:10:07,618 --> 00:10:08,684 I have to say, Joan, 281 00:10:08,686 --> 00:10:10,499 I just loved how you employed 282 00:10:10,524 --> 00:10:12,516 smell and taste to build tension 283 00:10:12,541 --> 00:10:14,797 to Santiago gently undressing Daisy 284 00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,690 with the tip of his machete. 285 00:10:16,721 --> 00:10:19,255 I think that's a very male reading. 286 00:10:19,851 --> 00:10:22,518 You're right, and I apologize. 287 00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:26,168 Ze and ze each have a point, but I think what I'm hearing, 288 00:10:26,479 --> 00:10:27,778 Joan writes 289 00:10:27,803 --> 00:10:30,005 with such an honest ferocity, 290 00:10:30,007 --> 00:10:31,106 that we get to see the world 291 00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:32,111 through her curious 292 00:10:32,136 --> 00:10:36,405 and stimulating, erotic gaze. 293 00:10:42,182 --> 00:10:43,819 Oh, no. 294 00:10:45,621 --> 00:10:47,822 Hey, did you find someone to translate your ankle tattoo? 295 00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:50,948 Yes, it turns out it means "processed wheat." 296 00:10:52,074 --> 00:10:53,962 _ 297 00:10:54,850 --> 00:10:57,084 Hi, we miss you. 298 00:10:57,109 --> 00:10:58,412 How's China? 299 00:10:58,437 --> 00:11:01,014 It's amazing... I mean, I wouldn't trade the experience 300 00:11:01,039 --> 00:11:02,626 for all the tea here. 301 00:11:02,651 --> 00:11:04,440 Really just immersing myself 302 00:11:04,442 --> 00:11:06,843 as much as I can into everything Chinese. 303 00:11:06,845 --> 00:11:09,064 Well, say ni hao to Daddy. 304 00:11:09,245 --> 00:11:10,181 What does that mean? 305 00:11:10,899 --> 00:11:11,878 Uh, hey, listen. 306 00:11:11,903 --> 00:11:14,627 Thanks for, uh, taking the time off work to cover for me 307 00:11:14,652 --> 00:11:16,986 while I work on my CryTunes prototype. 308 00:11:16,988 --> 00:11:18,154 Yeah, of course. 309 00:11:18,156 --> 00:11:19,820 I love spending time with Lark. 310 00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,158 Today, we discovered that she hates broccoli. 311 00:11:22,606 --> 00:11:23,705 Oh, what? 312 00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:25,028 I wanted to be there 313 00:11:25,053 --> 00:11:27,118 when she tried broccoli for the first time. 314 00:11:27,143 --> 00:11:27,854 Oh. 315 00:11:27,856 --> 00:11:29,188 Gosh. 316 00:11:29,425 --> 00:11:31,025 What else did I miss? 317 00:11:31,244 --> 00:11:35,395 Uh, just that she loves to throw the things she hates. 318 00:11:39,968 --> 00:11:42,464 Anyway, that's the rumor about Rod Stewart. 319 00:11:42,489 --> 00:11:45,323 I don't believe it personally, but there it is. 320 00:11:50,468 --> 00:11:51,878 Wait, what? 321 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,012 Did you just take a step? 322 00:11:53,014 --> 00:11:54,280 Oh, my God, you did! 323 00:11:54,282 --> 00:11:56,215 You are walking, you are legit walking! 324 00:11:56,217 --> 00:11:57,150 Yeah, come to Mommy! 325 00:11:58,653 --> 00:12:01,688 Oh, my God, you did it! You walked! 326 00:12:01,690 --> 00:12:04,645 I cannot wait to tell Daddy that you just took your first steps. 327 00:12:04,670 --> 00:12:06,036 Oh, no. 328 00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:09,464 I mean, Greg was upset about missing broccoli. 329 00:12:09,489 --> 00:12:11,522 How's he going to feel about her first steps? 330 00:12:11,547 --> 00:12:13,109 Oh, I feel for you, sister. 331 00:12:13,134 --> 00:12:14,801 You're going to have two crying babies. 332 00:12:14,803 --> 00:12:17,971 And the worst part is, like, I encouraged him to go. 333 00:12:18,043 --> 00:12:19,653 - Hey, you know what you do? - Hm? 334 00:12:19,678 --> 00:12:21,544 When he comes back and she does it, 335 00:12:21,569 --> 00:12:23,081 pretend it's the first time. 336 00:12:23,144 --> 00:12:24,872 I lie to Tim constantly. 337 00:12:24,897 --> 00:12:26,790 It's really the secret to a healthy marriage. 338 00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:28,647 Watch this... hey, babe? 339 00:12:28,672 --> 00:12:30,863 You are smoking hot in that tank top. 340 00:12:30,888 --> 00:12:32,385 It's why I wear it, babe, for you. 341 00:12:32,387 --> 00:12:34,520 Yeah, you do... see? 342 00:12:34,522 --> 00:12:36,089 - Wow. - Yep. 343 00:12:36,544 --> 00:12:39,678 Hey, baby, Daddy will be home in a few days. 344 00:12:40,513 --> 00:12:41,728 Wow, look at her go! 345 00:12:41,753 --> 00:12:43,666 She's really ready to walk. 346 00:12:43,691 --> 00:12:46,319 Yeah, hey, did you find someone to translate your ankle tattoo? 347 00:12:46,344 --> 00:12:49,579 Yes, it turns out it means "processed wheat," 348 00:12:49,671 --> 00:12:52,597 which I think is just as cool as, you know, 349 00:12:52,622 --> 00:12:54,540 "power and respect." 350 00:12:54,542 --> 00:12:56,142 Totally. 351 00:12:57,849 --> 00:12:59,946 So, anything new happening with Lark today? 352 00:12:59,948 --> 00:13:02,146 Hmm? New? 353 00:13:02,171 --> 00:13:04,928 Um, hmm, can't really think of anything. 354 00:13:04,953 --> 00:13:08,425 No, no, no, no, no, no, she's really just a very average baby. 355 00:13:08,450 --> 00:13:10,467 I mean, you know, she can sit up for ten minutes, 356 00:13:10,492 --> 00:13:13,226 but so can my purse, big whoop, you know? 357 00:13:13,228 --> 00:13:16,195 Hey, whoa, wait a minute, what was that? 358 00:13:16,314 --> 00:13:17,714 There's a raccoon in the house, I got to go. 359 00:13:17,739 --> 00:13:19,505 Okay, I love you, bye-bye! 360 00:13:20,969 --> 00:13:22,735 Okay, Daddy's car just pulled up, 361 00:13:22,737 --> 00:13:25,958 so he cannot find out that you took your first steps. 362 00:13:25,983 --> 00:13:27,982 I put your right shoe on your left foot 363 00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,475 and your left shoe on your right foot. 364 00:13:29,477 --> 00:13:31,735 I'm not a bad mother, but I'm just trying to be a good wife. 365 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,346 You know what I'm saying? Okay, all right. 366 00:13:33,348 --> 00:13:35,721 All right, guess who's home! 367 00:13:35,746 --> 00:13:36,927 Where are my girls? 368 00:13:36,952 --> 00:13:38,585 Welcome home! 369 00:13:38,587 --> 00:13:40,153 Hi! 370 00:13:40,155 --> 00:13:41,588 Hello! 371 00:13:42,434 --> 00:13:43,533 Oh! 372 00:13:43,558 --> 00:13:44,691 Oh, my goodness! 373 00:13:44,716 --> 00:13:45,890 Are you seeing these first steps? 374 00:13:45,915 --> 00:13:46,926 Because these are the first of the... 375 00:13:46,928 --> 00:13:48,355 For the very, very first time. 376 00:13:48,380 --> 00:13:49,162 First time I'm seeing them. 377 00:13:49,164 --> 00:13:50,296 - Come to Daddy! - Go on, go on. 378 00:13:50,298 --> 00:13:51,130 - Come, big... - Go on. 379 00:13:51,132 --> 00:13:52,131 Oh, my God! 380 00:13:52,133 --> 00:13:53,603 Oh! 381 00:13:53,628 --> 00:13:54,894 Oh, my God! 382 00:13:54,919 --> 00:13:56,555 Oh, my goodness! 383 00:13:56,580 --> 00:13:59,706 Look at my little marathon runner with her first steps. 384 00:13:59,708 --> 00:14:01,492 Yes! 385 00:14:01,523 --> 00:14:04,166 I mean, those were her first steps, right? 386 00:14:04,682 --> 00:14:06,045 Yeah, bro. 387 00:14:06,047 --> 00:14:07,881 Ja-wa. 388 00:14:08,424 --> 00:14:09,423 Did you hear that? 389 00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:10,220 What? 390 00:14:10,245 --> 00:14:11,506 She said her first word! 391 00:14:11,531 --> 00:14:13,057 Well, I don't know if that counts as a word. 392 00:14:13,082 --> 00:14:14,520 Let's see if she can use it in a sentence. 393 00:14:14,522 --> 00:14:16,089 Jawa! 394 00:14:16,091 --> 00:14:19,118 The desert scavengers that sold R2-D2 and C3PO 395 00:14:19,143 --> 00:14:20,432 to Uncle Owen and Luke Skywalker 396 00:14:20,457 --> 00:14:22,157 on their home planet of Tatooine! 397 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,862 Yes. 398 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:25,976 I think she's ready. 399 00:14:26,001 --> 00:14:27,534 Where are you going? 400 00:14:27,568 --> 00:14:29,186 I'm going to go get the Star Wars DVD. 401 00:14:29,211 --> 00:14:30,084 I mean, can you believe it? 402 00:14:30,109 --> 00:14:32,682 Her first steps and now her first word in the same day! 403 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,288 Okay, now listen to me. 404 00:14:34,313 --> 00:14:37,481 Daddy can never know that I showed you Star Wars last night. 405 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,422 Yoda. 406 00:14:39,447 --> 00:14:40,747 Damn it! 407 00:14:42,658 --> 00:14:44,284 Kissing a girl's just like kissing a guy. 408 00:14:44,309 --> 00:14:45,343 Except when you do it in public, 409 00:14:45,368 --> 00:14:47,368 - dudes buy you stuff. - Yeah. 410 00:14:47,747 --> 00:14:49,570 _ 411 00:14:50,103 --> 00:14:52,092 Dougie's never called a house meeting before. 412 00:14:52,117 --> 00:14:53,771 I wonder what this is about. 413 00:14:53,773 --> 00:14:55,006 I think it's about that passed out guy 414 00:14:55,031 --> 00:14:56,631 she dragged in here last night. 415 00:14:57,245 --> 00:14:58,265 He never left. 416 00:14:58,290 --> 00:15:01,512 Oh, I bet she wants to start a chore wheel. 417 00:15:02,025 --> 00:15:03,058 Whew. 418 00:15:03,541 --> 00:15:04,582 Whew. 419 00:15:04,584 --> 00:15:06,150 I ran all the way up the stairs. 420 00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,010 I'm sorry I'm late. 421 00:15:08,170 --> 00:15:10,617 I had to have a heart-to-heart with Pastor Todd. 422 00:15:10,642 --> 00:15:12,933 There's something I need to confess to the both of you. 423 00:15:12,958 --> 00:15:15,035 Stand by for the location of the body. 424 00:15:16,176 --> 00:15:19,542 So last night I was knee deep in Wang. 425 00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:22,570 You guys have met Wang Carlson from Daewoo. 426 00:15:22,595 --> 00:15:23,648 Quiet guy. 427 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:26,260 In fact, I'm only guessing at his name and job. 428 00:15:26,285 --> 00:15:29,389 Anyway, in the middle of round three, something struck me. 429 00:15:29,414 --> 00:15:30,547 And then you struck back, 430 00:15:30,572 --> 00:15:31,743 but it was harder than you intended 431 00:15:31,745 --> 00:15:33,211 and now it's just too late? 432 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,812 Need you to brace yourself. 433 00:15:34,814 --> 00:15:36,324 - Okay. - Oh, God. 434 00:15:37,051 --> 00:15:37,915 I'm gay. 435 00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:39,310 I know. 436 00:15:39,335 --> 00:15:40,880 I know! 437 00:15:40,905 --> 00:15:43,386 The girl version is called lesbian. 438 00:15:43,699 --> 00:15:46,224 Dougie, wow, this is huge news. 439 00:15:46,226 --> 00:15:48,088 I know, it's so shocking. 440 00:15:48,299 --> 00:15:51,421 I-I-I've been hiding it pretty well, I mean, even from myself. 441 00:15:51,446 --> 00:15:52,580 I had no idea. 442 00:15:52,605 --> 00:15:56,552 I have just been bagging D after D, after D, after D, 443 00:15:56,577 --> 00:15:57,985 and not even thinking about it. 444 00:15:58,010 --> 00:16:01,002 I guess I was just stuffing it deep down. 445 00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:03,509 Well, thanks for trusting us enough to share this, Dougie. 446 00:16:03,534 --> 00:16:04,596 Yeah, thank you so much. 447 00:16:04,621 --> 00:16:06,744 - Hey! Congratulations! - We're so excited! 448 00:16:06,769 --> 00:16:08,156 Oh, man, there's a lot of... 449 00:16:08,181 --> 00:16:09,030 - Whoa! - Whoa! 450 00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,888 A lot of joy in that hug. 451 00:16:11,284 --> 00:16:12,316 All right. 452 00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:13,317 Whoo! 453 00:16:13,342 --> 00:16:15,897 Oh, uh, quick Q. 454 00:16:15,922 --> 00:16:18,593 Do either of you know how to start a lesbian journey? 455 00:16:18,618 --> 00:16:19,648 I don't know how this works. 456 00:16:19,673 --> 00:16:22,026 I've never even kissed a girl before. 457 00:16:22,051 --> 00:16:23,550 Well, we could do a ladies night out 458 00:16:23,575 --> 00:16:24,762 at my favorite lesbian bar. 459 00:16:24,764 --> 00:16:25,797 - Yeah! - What? 460 00:16:25,799 --> 00:16:27,445 Why do you have a favorite lesbian bar? 461 00:16:27,470 --> 00:16:28,800 It's by the airport. 462 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,135 That wasn't an answer to my question. 463 00:16:32,253 --> 00:16:33,564 All right, Dougie. 464 00:16:33,589 --> 00:16:34,968 Let's get you kissing a girl! 465 00:16:34,993 --> 00:16:36,522 - Yeah. - Whoo! 466 00:16:36,547 --> 00:16:37,445 I'm kind of nervous, though. 467 00:16:37,470 --> 00:16:38,797 I've never had a sexual encounter 468 00:16:38,822 --> 00:16:40,546 that wasn't rage fueled. 469 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:42,289 Kissing a girl's just like kissing a guy. 470 00:16:42,314 --> 00:16:44,235 Except when you do it in public, dudes buy you stuff. 471 00:16:44,260 --> 00:16:45,344 W-W-Wait. 472 00:16:45,369 --> 00:16:47,056 - You've kissed a girl? - Yeah. 473 00:16:47,081 --> 00:16:49,287 Got through all of college without paying for an appetizer. 474 00:16:49,289 --> 00:16:51,669 You know, I thought I was a lesbian for a year, 475 00:16:51,694 --> 00:16:53,993 but it turns out I was on the wrong anti-depressants. 476 00:16:54,018 --> 00:16:55,979 You were on anti-depressants? 477 00:16:56,004 --> 00:16:57,303 - Yeah. - Oh! 478 00:16:57,328 --> 00:16:59,441 You guys are so lucky! 479 00:16:59,466 --> 00:17:00,451 I-I didn't have 480 00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:01,947 any wild years. 481 00:17:01,972 --> 00:17:04,479 You know, once in college I thought I was kissing a girl, 482 00:17:04,504 --> 00:17:06,104 but it was just Tim with a ponytail. 483 00:17:08,352 --> 00:17:10,108 Uh-oh. Okay, Dougie. 484 00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:12,333 Yep... oh, things are getting very exciting. 485 00:17:12,358 --> 00:17:13,444 - What? - You see this girl? 486 00:17:13,446 --> 00:17:14,389 She just checked you out. 487 00:17:14,414 --> 00:17:16,089 The one that I'm very obviously pointing at 488 00:17:16,114 --> 00:17:18,311 and now waving at and I'm making it way too awkward 489 00:17:18,336 --> 00:17:19,951 for you not to go talk to. 490 00:17:19,953 --> 00:17:21,352 Is she your type? 491 00:17:21,354 --> 00:17:23,020 Mm, she'll do. 492 00:17:23,022 --> 00:17:25,358 I'm looking for a job, not a career. 493 00:17:26,241 --> 00:17:27,755 This is for you, Pastor Todd. 494 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,660 Oh, right! Pastor Todd! 495 00:17:30,697 --> 00:17:31,696 Whew! 496 00:17:31,698 --> 00:17:33,030 My pants feel tight. 497 00:17:33,032 --> 00:17:33,841 They're not tight. 498 00:17:33,866 --> 00:17:35,432 You want to unbutton just the top? 499 00:17:35,579 --> 00:17:36,400 Good luck! 500 00:17:36,425 --> 00:17:38,602 You look pretty, if that's your goal. 501 00:17:40,009 --> 00:17:41,405 Hey. 502 00:17:41,975 --> 00:17:43,341 Did you guys see that? 503 00:17:43,343 --> 00:17:44,029 Yeah. 504 00:17:44,054 --> 00:17:45,787 She thinks I am a lesbian! 505 00:17:45,879 --> 00:17:46,911 Yeah. 506 00:17:46,913 --> 00:17:49,517 Wait until I tell the moms at wine club. 507 00:17:49,542 --> 00:17:51,247 Wine club is what we call book club 508 00:17:51,272 --> 00:17:52,884 when we're not being all Oprah about it. 509 00:17:52,886 --> 00:17:54,902 Maybe Dougie's not the only one dipping her toe 510 00:17:54,927 --> 00:17:56,254 in that lady pool tonight. 511 00:17:56,256 --> 00:17:57,078 Me? 512 00:17:57,103 --> 00:17:58,967 Oh, no, come on, you guys, that's cheating. 513 00:17:58,992 --> 00:17:59,947 - No! - Uh-uh. 514 00:17:59,972 --> 00:18:02,403 Every time Tim pours me a second glass of wine, 515 00:18:02,428 --> 00:18:04,929 he always tells me how beautiful you think my skin is. 516 00:18:04,931 --> 00:18:06,030 Something tells me 517 00:18:06,032 --> 00:18:07,340 - he won't mind. - Mm-hmm. 518 00:18:07,365 --> 00:18:09,975 Okay, because I-I think I might want to go over there 519 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,638 and ask that woman at the pool table where she got her jeans. 520 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,684 I'm going to text him right now, 521 00:18:15,709 --> 00:18:16,941 just see if he's cool with that. 522 00:18:18,344 --> 00:18:19,410 What'd he say? 523 00:18:19,693 --> 00:18:21,493 "Please kiss a woman. 524 00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,051 On my way!" 525 00:18:24,054 --> 00:18:25,131 Where'd you grow up? 526 00:18:25,156 --> 00:18:26,510 I grew up in North Carolina. 527 00:18:26,535 --> 00:18:27,946 Can I kiss you? 528 00:18:28,047 --> 00:18:29,687 Uh, I, uh, grew up here. 529 00:18:29,689 --> 00:18:31,722 - Wow. Here in this bar? - Yeah. 530 00:18:33,368 --> 00:18:34,723 Can I kiss you? 531 00:18:34,973 --> 00:18:36,493 Stop asking if you can kiss me. 532 00:18:36,518 --> 00:18:37,417 It's weird. 533 00:18:37,442 --> 00:18:38,796 Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 534 00:18:38,923 --> 00:18:40,856 I'm really nervous. 535 00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:45,046 This is my first full day of being an out, gay lesbian. 536 00:18:45,071 --> 00:18:46,651 Oh, well, that's awesome. 537 00:18:46,676 --> 00:18:47,549 Congrats! 538 00:18:47,574 --> 00:18:48,418 Thank you. 539 00:18:48,443 --> 00:18:50,179 You're-you're awesome. 540 00:18:50,204 --> 00:18:51,416 Can I kiss you? 541 00:18:51,441 --> 00:18:53,444 - Okay. - I felt like we had a moment. 542 00:18:53,957 --> 00:18:56,353 I should've known that you got those in Europe 543 00:18:56,378 --> 00:18:59,077 because of all the zippers. 544 00:18:59,102 --> 00:19:00,318 You can touch them if you want. 545 00:19:03,010 --> 00:19:06,510 I have to tell you that I am not really gay. 546 00:19:06,535 --> 00:19:11,128 I-I thought that it might be exciting to kiss a woman. 547 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,508 So this is all a game to you? 548 00:19:13,533 --> 00:19:14,918 We're not a zoo exhibit. 549 00:19:14,943 --> 00:19:16,076 No! 550 00:19:16,128 --> 00:19:16,995 Of course not! 551 00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:20,142 No, you... you're in your natural habitat, roaming free! 552 00:19:22,220 --> 00:19:25,308 I can't find anyone to lesbian kiss me. 553 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:26,389 Oh... 554 00:19:27,045 --> 00:19:28,477 Any luck? 555 00:19:28,479 --> 00:19:29,578 Totally struck out. 556 00:19:29,580 --> 00:19:32,401 Am I not appealing to women? 557 00:19:32,426 --> 00:19:33,858 You're appealing to me. 558 00:19:33,951 --> 00:19:35,775 I don't really... oh! 559 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:36,933 Ooh. 560 00:19:40,024 --> 00:19:41,891 Did you guys just hear that? 561 00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:44,839 That is the sound of my lady cork popping. 562 00:19:44,886 --> 00:19:46,105 Yay, Dougie. 563 00:19:46,130 --> 00:19:47,141 Come on, I'll buy you a shot. 564 00:19:47,166 --> 00:19:48,166 - Come on. - Okay. 565 00:19:49,434 --> 00:19:51,767 Thank you. 566 00:19:52,329 --> 00:19:53,769 How was that kiss? 567 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:55,507 Not bad. 568 00:19:55,532 --> 00:19:56,273 - Yeah. - Wow! 569 00:19:56,298 --> 00:19:59,802 Have you ever noticed how pretty Colleen's skin is? 570 00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,000 How does my hair look? 571 00:20:03,442 --> 00:20:04,447 Straight. 572 00:20:04,449 --> 00:20:05,915 - Yeah, you're right. - Yeah. 573 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:09,582 Please tell me I didn't miss my wife kissing a girl. 574 00:20:09,607 --> 00:20:13,609 Yeah, I kissed her, and our mons pubises almost touched. 575 00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:16,357 All right. 576 00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:17,639 It's not exactly what I was picturing, 577 00:20:17,664 --> 00:20:18,897 but I can make it work. 578 00:20:18,922 --> 00:20:20,185 Heather! 579 00:20:20,277 --> 00:20:22,241 Oh, I'm so proud of you. 580 00:20:22,266 --> 00:20:23,171 How do you feel? 581 00:20:23,225 --> 00:20:25,447 I thought I'd have this huge rush of confidence, 582 00:20:25,472 --> 00:20:27,772 like when you do an epi pen for fun, 583 00:20:27,797 --> 00:20:30,253 but I'm still nervous. 584 00:20:30,278 --> 00:20:31,825 That's totally normal. 585 00:20:31,850 --> 00:20:33,691 Putting yourself out there is hard. 586 00:20:33,918 --> 00:20:35,308 Especially when, yesterday, 587 00:20:35,333 --> 00:20:37,099 you didn't even know who yourself was. 588 00:20:37,213 --> 00:20:38,082 Aw... 589 00:20:38,107 --> 00:20:39,740 Thanks, Colleen. 590 00:20:39,765 --> 00:20:42,695 You're such a good friend, but, I'm sorry, 591 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,386 it's not going to go past this. 592 00:20:44,695 --> 00:20:46,656 I need someone real hot. 593 00:20:46,781 --> 00:20:49,181 Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com - 593 00:20:50,305 --> 00:20:56,426 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/3zzr9 Help other users to choose the best subtitles