1
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:07,180
_

2
00:00:07,547 --> 00:00:08,618
Hey.

3
00:00:09,141 --> 00:00:12,047
I-I got some brochures
for... for honeymoon.

4
00:00:12,072 --> 00:00:14,314
- Okay. Some really interesting places.
- Oh.

5
00:00:14,655 --> 00:00:16,936
- Mm?
- Oh, they're all for Hawaii.

6
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,385
Oh, you like Hawaii too? That's great.

7
00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:19,728
It's settled. We're gonna go to Hawaii.

8
00:00:19,752 --> 00:00:22,879
Just imagine, we can hold hands,
and we can go snorkeling, right?

9
00:00:23,375 --> 00:00:25,680
Yeah, wow. Or...

10
00:00:25,928 --> 00:00:27,993
- you know where else we can go? Gilroy.
- Where?

11
00:00:28,032 --> 00:00:29,729
- Gil...
- Home of the world's largest

12
00:00:29,753 --> 00:00:31,062
garlic festival.

13
00:00:31,086 --> 00:00:33,086
What's wrong with snorkeling in Hawaii?

14
00:00:33,515 --> 00:00:35,989
Oh, I can't swim, okay?

15
00:00:36,013 --> 00:00:37,645
How do you not know how to swim?

16
00:00:37,708 --> 00:00:40,763
My uncle taught everyone
in my family to swim.

17
00:00:40,924 --> 00:00:42,231
But during my first lesson,

18
00:00:42,255 --> 00:00:45,197
I saw his testicles float
out of his swim shorts.

19
00:00:45,971 --> 00:00:47,651
I haven't gotten in the water since.

20
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,748
Or eaten figs.

21
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,717
I won't ever eat them again, either.

22
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,586
Hey, you're doing great.

23
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,454
- All right, I'm going to let go now.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

24
00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:58,323
Don't let go, don't let go! If
I go down, you go down with me!

25
00:00:58,325 --> 00:00:59,340
That's what marriage is.

26
00:00:59,365 --> 00:01:01,737
Okay, we're in four feet of water,

27
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,246
so there's no danger,

28
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,641
and also, I think it would
probably be a pretty good idea

29
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,098
for us to swing by a
pre-marital counselor

30
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,206
on our way home.

31
00:01:08,231 --> 00:01:09,397
I'm so sorry, I just can't do this.

32
00:01:09,422 --> 00:01:11,816
I will never be able to.

33
00:01:11,841 --> 00:01:16,177
Well, I hate to break it
to you, but you already are.

34
00:01:20,771 --> 00:01:22,271
I got you, I got you,
I got you, I got you.

35
00:01:22,336 --> 00:01:24,291
Okay!

36
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,827
Okay, all right, now, just
hold on to your noodles

37
00:01:27,852 --> 00:01:29,118
and kick your feet.

38
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,254
And just pretend that
the water is my face.

39
00:01:31,256 --> 00:01:33,022
Is that mask really necessary?

40
00:01:33,024 --> 00:01:35,124
- I'm taking it off.
- Okay.

41
00:01:35,126 --> 00:01:37,126
- All right.
- Okay, ooh, ooh.

42
00:01:37,128 --> 00:01:38,728
I'm doing it! I'm kicking!

43
00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:40,296
Yay, that's great.

44
00:01:40,298 --> 00:01:41,797
Okay, now, do it above the water.

45
00:01:41,799 --> 00:01:42,999
I am doing it above water.

46
00:01:43,001 --> 00:01:44,600
Okay, well, there's no splashing,

47
00:01:44,602 --> 00:01:45,801
and somehow you're not
really going anywhere.

48
00:01:45,803 --> 00:01:47,770
- You calling me a liar, Matt?
- No, no, I believe you,

49
00:01:47,772 --> 00:01:49,238
I believe you, it's
just that, uh, mmm...

50
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,406
You know what? Your methods don't work.

51
00:01:50,408 --> 00:01:51,641
Swimming is dumb. This is dumb.

52
00:01:51,643 --> 00:01:53,676
Okay, I can hear that you're frustrated,

53
00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:55,711
and I'd really love to see you
take some of that frustration

54
00:01:55,713 --> 00:01:57,013
and just channel it into your kicking.

55
00:01:57,015 --> 00:01:58,314
I am kicking!

56
00:01:58,316 --> 00:01:59,548
Who even swims anymore?

57
00:01:59,550 --> 00:02:01,851
We have cars!

58
00:02:01,853 --> 00:02:03,519
You know what, forget
this... I'm out of here.

59
00:02:07,075 --> 00:02:08,291
Would you please pull me
to the side of the pool

60
00:02:08,293 --> 00:02:10,326
- so I can storm out?
- Sure.

61
00:02:10,328 --> 00:02:11,727
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

62
00:02:11,729 --> 00:02:13,095
Slow down.

63
00:02:15,033 --> 00:02:16,699
Okay.

64
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,671
We need to take a step back.

65
00:02:18,696 --> 00:02:20,903
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- All right? I've been pushing you too hard.

66
00:02:20,905 --> 00:02:24,828
So this is going to be a lesson
about the physics of swimming.

67
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,486
Oh, yay, I love school.

68
00:02:29,847 --> 00:02:31,681
I'm sorry, I know that this is extreme,

69
00:02:31,683 --> 00:02:33,569
but it's the way that my dad taught me

70
00:02:33,594 --> 00:02:34,960
and it never fails.

71
00:02:35,546 --> 00:02:36,642
Colleen?

72
00:02:37,687 --> 00:02:39,353
Oh, jeez.

73
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:47,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

74
00:02:48,433 --> 00:02:49,899
It's okay, all right,
all right, all right.

75
00:02:49,901 --> 00:02:51,200
Breathe, breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe.

76
00:02:51,202 --> 00:02:52,868
I'm going to get you a towel, okay?

77
00:02:52,870 --> 00:02:54,103
Why would you do that?

78
00:02:54,105 --> 00:02:55,237
I could've drowned!

79
00:02:55,239 --> 00:02:56,939
I know, I know, I'm sorry.

80
00:02:56,941 --> 00:02:58,207
And I can see now that you're not ready

81
00:02:58,209 --> 00:02:59,575
for the second part of the lesson.

82
00:02:59,883 --> 00:03:01,650
What was it, pushing me in again?

83
00:03:01,675 --> 00:03:03,012
- Yes.
- Oh, my God, Matt!

84
00:03:03,014 --> 00:03:04,380
Look, I'm telling you how to swim

85
00:03:04,382 --> 00:03:05,381
and you just won't listen.

86
00:03:05,383 --> 00:03:06,882
Well, maybe you could be nicer.

87
00:03:06,884 --> 00:03:08,918
Maybe you could stop whining.

88
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,386
Wow!

89
00:03:10,388 --> 00:03:11,256
You know what?

90
00:03:11,281 --> 00:03:13,874
Learning something new
can be very stressful,

91
00:03:13,992 --> 00:03:15,791
and it's really hard being criticized

92
00:03:15,793 --> 00:03:17,126
by the person who's supposed to love you

93
00:03:17,128 --> 00:03:18,828
and accept all your flaws.

94
00:03:18,830 --> 00:03:20,565
I know, I know, you're
right, you're right.

95
00:03:20,590 --> 00:03:21,697
I'm sorry.

96
00:03:21,699 --> 00:03:24,567
Look, I know you wanted
to teach me how to swim,

97
00:03:24,569 --> 00:03:26,836
but maybe we could have someone else...

98
00:03:26,838 --> 00:03:28,004
Yeah, great, let's do it.

99
00:03:28,688 --> 00:03:29,870
Really? You don't mind?

100
00:03:29,895 --> 00:03:32,329
Baby, whatever gets us to Hawaii.

101
00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,143
You already bought the
tickets, didn't you?

102
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,213
Great job, Colleen!

103
00:03:37,215 --> 00:03:38,881
I'm so proud of you... you know,

104
00:03:38,883 --> 00:03:40,583
you're the only one who
hasn't peed in the pool?

105
00:03:40,585 --> 00:03:41,884
Okay, everybody.

106
00:03:41,886 --> 00:03:43,719
Start blowing your bubbles again!

107
00:03:47,425 --> 00:03:50,292
Whoo-hoo-hoo! I'm swimming!

108
00:03:51,199 --> 00:03:52,843
_

109
00:03:53,007 --> 00:03:54,430
Okay, go ahead.

110
00:03:54,661 --> 00:03:55,630
Is the camera running?

111
00:03:55,655 --> 00:03:58,055
I don't see the little red light.

112
00:03:58,169 --> 00:03:59,502
It's a phone, Pop-Pop.

113
00:03:59,504 --> 00:04:01,937
There's no red light.

114
00:04:01,939 --> 00:04:05,674
Oh, right... oh, all right,
I'm John Bertram Short.

115
00:04:05,676 --> 00:04:08,711
I'm 70 years old, and I'm
applying to be on "Survivor"

116
00:04:08,713 --> 00:04:11,213
because surviving is my middle name.

117
00:04:11,215 --> 00:04:14,700
Wait, did I already say
what my real middle name was?

118
00:04:14,725 --> 00:04:15,858
It doesn't matter.

119
00:04:16,154 --> 00:04:17,753
Oh, all right, uh...

120
00:04:17,755 --> 00:04:22,024
yeah, this is more about
looks and, uh, outdoor skills

121
00:04:22,026 --> 00:04:24,026
and lighting a fire
with your bare hands.

122
00:04:26,497 --> 00:04:27,763
That's your fire cue, Tim.

123
00:04:27,765 --> 00:04:29,098
I know, it's got a child lock on it.

124
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,499
You can just cut this part out.

125
00:04:31,402 --> 00:04:33,936
- Whoa!
- Huh?

126
00:04:33,938 --> 00:04:36,639
- Nice work, John!
- Yeah.

127
00:04:36,641 --> 00:04:37,872
Tim is my son-in-law.

128
00:04:37,897 --> 00:04:40,086
He'll tell you how much I love the show.

129
00:04:40,111 --> 00:04:42,378
Oh, yeah, we're both huge fans.

130
00:04:47,151 --> 00:04:49,218
People always tell me how
good I'd be on the show, too.

131
00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:50,953
You know, surviving and whatnot.

132
00:04:50,955 --> 00:04:54,457
No, you don't have what
it takes to be on the show.

133
00:04:54,459 --> 00:04:55,958
You need to manipulate people,

134
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,327
form an alliance with some dummy,

135
00:04:58,329 --> 00:05:00,896
and then stab him in his emaciated back.

136
00:05:00,898 --> 00:05:02,231
Yeah.

137
00:05:02,233 --> 00:05:04,233
The best players are
always finding some way

138
00:05:04,235 --> 00:05:06,368
- to outfox someone.
- Yeah.

139
00:05:06,370 --> 00:05:09,905
Hey, John, why don't you let
me be in the video with you?

140
00:05:09,907 --> 00:05:12,508
You know, to show them
how great you'd be?

141
00:05:12,510 --> 00:05:14,009
Yeah, yeah, sure.

142
00:05:14,011 --> 00:05:16,412
It is a good idea to have an ally.

143
00:05:16,437 --> 00:05:18,547
I'm going to oil up for the next shot...

144
00:05:18,572 --> 00:05:20,583
- all right? Yeah.
- Yeah, that's smart... Sam.

145
00:05:20,585 --> 00:05:21,584
Sam!

146
00:05:21,586 --> 00:05:22,985
Film me.

147
00:05:22,987 --> 00:05:25,054
Why? I'm supposed to
be filming Pop-Pop.

148
00:05:25,056 --> 00:05:26,740
- How much is he paying you?
- Nothing.

149
00:05:26,765 --> 00:05:27,381
I'll double it.

150
00:05:27,406 --> 00:05:29,936
I'm turning this into
my audition video now.

151
00:05:29,961 --> 00:05:31,293
Why don't you just make your own?

152
00:05:31,295 --> 00:05:32,962
Because outwitting somebody in theirs

153
00:05:32,964 --> 00:05:35,998
is the ultimate blindside, right?

154
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,766
See, this way, Jeff
Probst is going to know

155
00:05:37,791 --> 00:05:40,461
how great I would be at this
and how well I play this game.

156
00:05:40,486 --> 00:05:41,470
All right?

157
00:05:41,472 --> 00:05:43,973
Also, I've already
submitted eight times,

158
00:05:43,975 --> 00:05:46,242
and I got to find a new angle, so...

159
00:05:46,244 --> 00:05:47,749
I'm recording.

160
00:05:47,924 --> 00:05:49,790
Dr. Hughes is just verifying

161
00:05:49,815 --> 00:05:51,447
that my health is off the charts.

162
00:05:51,449 --> 00:05:53,716
Yup, I'm a licensed E.N.T., says so

163
00:05:53,718 --> 00:05:55,584
right here on my I.D. badge, see?

164
00:05:55,586 --> 00:05:57,887
"McDreamy?" Well, who wrote that there?

165
00:05:57,889 --> 00:06:00,656
Probably one of those
naughty girls at the office.

166
00:06:00,658 --> 00:06:04,827
Well, what the girls like me
for is my wonderful catchphrases,

167
00:06:04,829 --> 00:06:06,629
like, "Catchphrase!"

168
00:06:06,631 --> 00:06:08,197
How's that pulse, Doc?

169
00:06:08,199 --> 00:06:10,633
A lot better than when you
died on the table last year.

170
00:06:10,635 --> 00:06:12,067
Luckily, I was there to save you.

171
00:06:12,069 --> 00:06:13,302
You're the one who killed me.

172
00:06:13,304 --> 00:06:14,470
That's right.

173
00:06:14,472 --> 00:06:18,607
I can give life and I can take it away.

174
00:06:18,609 --> 00:06:21,477
I can't believe they kept
me home from school for this.

175
00:06:22,747 --> 00:06:24,380
Now to show off my stamina.

176
00:06:24,382 --> 00:06:26,649
Hey, thanks for the
immunity necklace, Sam.

177
00:06:26,651 --> 00:06:28,751
It's just Mom-Mom's wind chimes.

178
00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:30,011
Oh.

179
00:06:30,036 --> 00:06:33,088
Oh, anyway, now I'm going
to stand on this log.

180
00:06:35,359 --> 00:06:36,458
I'm just making sure it's steady.

181
00:06:36,460 --> 00:06:38,827
I don't want you to fall and sue,

182
00:06:38,829 --> 00:06:41,096
which is kind of your thing.

183
00:06:41,098 --> 00:06:43,866
Oh, been two hours,
time to go to one foot.

184
00:06:43,868 --> 00:06:46,769
What are you talking about?
You just climbed up there.

185
00:06:49,774 --> 00:06:51,440
Now we're going to show how good I look

186
00:06:51,442 --> 00:06:53,876
coming up out of the
water in slow motion.

187
00:06:53,878 --> 00:06:55,978
Oh, hold on, I'll turn
on the slow motion.

188
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,479
No, no.

189
00:06:57,481 --> 00:06:59,114
I'll just move up slowly,

190
00:06:59,116 --> 00:07:02,685
show them how water beads up
off of well-tanned leather.

191
00:07:04,322 --> 00:07:05,521
Where did you get that buff?

192
00:07:05,523 --> 00:07:08,457
Oh, I go to the gym a lot.

193
00:07:08,459 --> 00:07:09,925
No, I mean that thing on your head.

194
00:07:09,927 --> 00:07:11,827
- That's called a buff.
- Oh, I know.

195
00:07:11,829 --> 00:07:14,493
I was just pointing
out that I'm a doctor

196
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,832
who also goes to the gym a lot.

197
00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:19,134
Wait a second, what are you saying?

198
00:07:19,136 --> 00:07:21,103
Are you trying to steal my audition?

199
00:07:21,105 --> 00:07:22,438
What? No!

200
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,640
- What?
- You are!

201
00:07:24,642 --> 00:07:25,941
I'll get Mom-Mom.

202
00:07:25,943 --> 00:07:28,477
Oh, that is amazing.

203
00:07:28,479 --> 00:07:33,182
It's like how my mom and
uncle-dad fight in the tub.

204
00:07:33,184 --> 00:07:35,249
How are you so strong?
You're, like, 100!

205
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:40,856
So this clown tried to dupe
me, but I sniffed him out,

206
00:07:40,858 --> 00:07:42,336
which shows I'm cut out to be

207
00:07:42,361 --> 00:07:44,860
on any island you can maroon me on.

208
00:07:44,862 --> 00:07:46,895
Well, I'm sorry, John, you outplayed me.

209
00:07:46,897 --> 00:07:48,523
So I'll tell you what,
to make it up to you,

210
00:07:48,548 --> 00:07:50,366
I'm going to edit this
whole thing together

211
00:07:50,368 --> 00:07:51,399
to show the real winner.

212
00:07:51,424 --> 00:07:55,170
I'll even end it with a
montage set to some cool music.

213
00:07:55,172 --> 00:07:56,538
Really?

214
00:08:02,413 --> 00:08:03,579
♪ Oooh... ♪

215
00:08:10,087 --> 00:08:14,890
♪ It's just a ball of
dust underneath my feet. ♪

216
00:08:14,892 --> 00:08:16,025
Yeah.

217
00:08:16,027 --> 00:08:18,427
♪ It rolls around the sun ♪

218
00:08:19,397 --> 00:08:20,763
Hey!

219
00:08:20,765 --> 00:08:22,331
Oh, wait, I'm sorry, sorry.

220
00:08:24,969 --> 00:08:27,670
♪ Just like all the rest ♪

221
00:08:27,672 --> 00:08:29,972
♪ I look inside and dig it out ♪

222
00:08:29,974 --> 00:08:33,042
♪ 'Cause there's no
points for second best. ♪

223
00:08:33,044 --> 00:08:37,262
♪ There's a blazing fire
in my heart tonight. ♪

224
00:08:41,585 --> 00:08:43,552
I mean, I've been
doing this a long time,

225
00:08:43,554 --> 00:08:46,989
but sometimes it is so
obvious who you should cast,

226
00:08:47,014 --> 00:08:48,075
it's almost annoying.

227
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,254
I hear you.

228
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,759
It's a no-brainer.

229
00:08:52,897 --> 00:08:55,230
Slam dunk... get her info.

230
00:08:56,557 --> 00:08:58,100
Who put all of our gum in the fridge?

231
00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,309
Oh, the same guy who read
the listicle entitled,

232
00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:01,834
"30 Ways You're Doing Gum Wrong."

233
00:09:01,962 --> 00:09:03,738
_

234
00:09:05,282 --> 00:09:06,645
Hi, honey.

235
00:09:06,708 --> 00:09:08,408
Hey, Mom, Dad.

236
00:09:08,410 --> 00:09:09,375
Yeah, surprise.

237
00:09:09,377 --> 00:09:10,177
We were in the neighborhood

238
00:09:10,202 --> 00:09:12,589
because we were driving over here.

239
00:09:12,614 --> 00:09:14,681
Got a little bored at our house.

240
00:09:14,683 --> 00:09:15,849
Where's Jen?

241
00:09:15,851 --> 00:09:17,984
Oh, uh, she just started meditating.

242
00:09:17,986 --> 00:09:19,886
Yeah, she'll be out in 20 minutes.

243
00:09:19,888 --> 00:09:21,091
Ooh!

244
00:09:21,116 --> 00:09:23,150
That's a high hill to climb.

245
00:09:23,325 --> 00:09:26,059
Take a deep, cleansing breath.

246
00:09:27,829 --> 00:09:29,835
For the next 20 minutes,

247
00:09:29,859 --> 00:09:31,107
- close your eyes...
- Hi-ya...

248
00:09:31,132 --> 00:09:32,524
and make friends

249
00:09:32,549 --> 00:09:35,231
with the black, expansive
openness behind your eyelids.

250
00:09:35,256 --> 00:09:36,503
All right, app lady.

251
00:09:36,505 --> 00:09:38,037
Give it to me real, here we go.

252
00:09:38,039 --> 00:09:39,139
I'm ready.

253
00:09:39,141 --> 00:09:40,440
I'm getting Zen with it.

254
00:09:40,442 --> 00:09:41,941
Focus on your breath.

255
00:09:43,545 --> 00:09:44,611
Super-bored.

256
00:09:44,613 --> 00:09:46,613
This is très boring.

257
00:09:47,659 --> 00:09:49,349
Oh, my God, wow.

258
00:09:49,351 --> 00:09:52,051
Time is really standing still, okay.

259
00:09:52,053 --> 00:09:53,720
Mm-hmm.

260
00:09:53,722 --> 00:09:57,390
Imagine the stress
evaporating from your earlobes.

261
00:09:57,392 --> 00:09:59,526
My earlobes? No, I can't.

262
00:09:59,528 --> 00:10:03,296
I just can't, I'm sorry,
don't know you, and I hate you.

263
00:10:05,333 --> 00:10:06,833
Oh, oh!

264
00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:09,669
Yeah, yeah, yes, I did laser you.

265
00:10:09,671 --> 00:10:12,038
And now you are dead.

266
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,564
Go, go, go... go, go, go!

267
00:10:14,509 --> 00:10:17,143
Your meditation has concluded.

268
00:10:17,145 --> 00:10:21,414
Now open your eyes and
notice how you feel.

269
00:10:21,416 --> 00:10:23,449
Well, I feel great.

270
00:10:23,451 --> 00:10:25,403
Now that I've showed
those aliens who's boss.

271
00:10:25,428 --> 00:10:26,404
Ha!

272
00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:30,333
Oh, look at you!

273
00:10:31,103 --> 00:10:34,182
Your face, it's just glowing.

274
00:10:34,207 --> 00:10:36,696
It's like whatever's been
pinching you all these years,

275
00:10:36,698 --> 00:10:38,298
it finally let go.

276
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:40,133
Oh, well...

277
00:10:40,135 --> 00:10:42,057
- Thank you.
- So it's working?

278
00:10:42,082 --> 00:10:43,369
Yeah, oh, yeah.

279
00:10:43,371 --> 00:10:44,437
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

280
00:10:44,439 --> 00:10:45,538
You know what?

281
00:10:45,540 --> 00:10:48,708
I think meditation is my jam.

282
00:10:48,710 --> 00:10:51,277
Whatever sands those rough edges.

283
00:10:51,279 --> 00:10:53,112
It seems like a good time to tell you

284
00:10:53,114 --> 00:10:54,681
we're going to be staying here next week

285
00:10:54,683 --> 00:10:55,848
while we have our house tented.

286
00:10:56,291 --> 00:10:57,224
Excuse me, what?

287
00:10:57,249 --> 00:10:58,418
Cool, that sounds fun.

288
00:10:58,420 --> 00:11:00,338
A little family slumber party.

289
00:11:00,363 --> 00:11:02,689
See? And you said she'd
say something biting.

290
00:11:02,714 --> 00:11:04,013
No, I didn't.

291
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,400
Yes, you did, you talked about it

292
00:11:05,425 --> 00:11:06,993
the whole way over in the car.

293
00:11:07,018 --> 00:11:08,361
Y-You said you weren't going

294
00:11:08,386 --> 00:11:09,986
to let it ruin your night.

295
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,465
Know what?

296
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,567
I'm listening to my body right now,

297
00:11:14,569 --> 00:11:18,798
and my body is telling
me it needs round dos.

298
00:11:18,823 --> 00:11:20,540
So I'm going to get my 'tate on,

299
00:11:20,542 --> 00:11:23,262
and I will see you party
animals in 20 minutes.

300
00:11:23,287 --> 00:11:24,519
Okay?

301
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,628
Oh, you're on a spiritual path.

302
00:11:35,958 --> 00:11:37,957
And that, my friends...

303
00:11:37,982 --> 00:11:39,448
is Yahtzee!

304
00:11:39,473 --> 00:11:42,762
It's Yahtzee. Oh, boy, oh, my God.

305
00:11:46,134 --> 00:11:48,368
Talk to me, Trina.

306
00:11:48,370 --> 00:11:51,304
Ah, whoa, oh, that's a spot!

307
00:11:54,851 --> 00:11:57,510
Your meditation has concluded.

308
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:00,353
No, no, no.

309
00:12:00,378 --> 00:12:02,692
So I am, I am in the operating theater

310
00:12:02,717 --> 00:12:04,491
for the very first time in my life,

311
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,566
and just as the surgeon is about to cut

312
00:12:06,591 --> 00:12:08,648
into the lady on the table, I lose it.

313
00:12:08,673 --> 00:12:12,049
And by "it," I mean two
burritos and a pumpkin pie!

314
00:12:12,074 --> 00:12:14,060
I mean, I throw up all over the floor.

315
00:12:14,062 --> 00:12:16,515
Before he knew it, this
doctor, he's got two patients

316
00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:17,579
- all of a sudden.
- Two!

317
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,699
Do you know what? Will you excuse me?

318
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:22,302
It's actually time for my
daily meditation practice.

319
00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:23,816
- Oh, Jen, yeah, go, go, go, go!
- Okay.

320
00:12:23,841 --> 00:12:24,931
Oh, I love that you are just

321
00:12:24,956 --> 00:12:26,466
tapping into your Zen like that.

322
00:12:26,491 --> 00:12:27,484
Yeah, use our bedroom.

323
00:12:27,509 --> 00:12:28,492
- It's for a good cause...
- Yeah.

324
00:12:28,517 --> 00:12:31,221
Jen's never-ending search for happiness.

325
00:12:31,246 --> 00:12:33,446
Okay, well...

326
00:12:35,526 --> 00:12:36,549
I'm really proud of her.

327
00:12:36,551 --> 00:12:38,950
She's really sticking with
it, meditates every day.

328
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,441
I don't even journal every day.

329
00:12:42,931 --> 00:12:43,856
Oh, come on.

330
00:12:44,076 --> 00:12:46,149
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
get that mushroom cloud.

331
00:12:47,862 --> 00:12:49,062
Oh, no!

332
00:12:51,674 --> 00:12:52,932
Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt,

333
00:12:52,934 --> 00:12:54,100
I just had to get away.

334
00:12:54,102 --> 00:12:55,529
What? Sorry. Oof.

335
00:12:56,365 --> 00:12:57,254
Just give me a second,

336
00:12:57,294 --> 00:12:59,802
I was just... so deep.

337
00:12:59,827 --> 00:13:00,973
Ah, I'm sorry.

338
00:13:00,975 --> 00:13:03,006
Mushroom cloud! Level up!

339
00:13:05,004 --> 00:13:06,302
Was that a video game?

340
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:09,861
Mmm? No. Mm-mmm, no. That's crazy. What?

341
00:13:12,687 --> 00:13:14,287
Yes, I'm so sorry.

342
00:13:14,289 --> 00:13:15,355
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

343
00:13:15,357 --> 00:13:17,248
It's just, meditation...

344
00:13:17,273 --> 00:13:19,726
sucks... for me, personally.

345
00:13:19,751 --> 00:13:21,407
Not for, like, the world at large.

346
00:13:21,432 --> 00:13:23,529
Like, I'd rather be checking
Facebook or playing games.

347
00:13:23,531 --> 00:13:25,907
Or, like seeing what
'80s stars look like now.

348
00:13:25,932 --> 00:13:28,034
Number 17 really did shock me.

349
00:13:28,036 --> 00:13:29,435
That's more my meditation.

350
00:13:29,437 --> 00:13:32,305
I cannot believe this, Jen.

351
00:13:32,307 --> 00:13:34,340
This is why you've
been excusing yourself

352
00:13:34,342 --> 00:13:36,242
from family dinners and gatherings?

353
00:13:36,244 --> 00:13:38,017
To play video games?

354
00:13:38,814 --> 00:13:39,656
I'm sorry.

355
00:13:39,681 --> 00:13:41,647
That's the best thing
I've ever heard of.

356
00:13:42,465 --> 00:13:43,635
What? Really?

357
00:13:43,660 --> 00:13:44,320
Yes!

358
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:45,544
Major life hack, right?

359
00:13:45,569 --> 00:13:46,578
Because you can't tell people

360
00:13:46,603 --> 00:13:48,004
you need 20 minutes of "me time."

361
00:13:48,029 --> 00:13:49,137
I mean, we are grown-ass people.

362
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,407
But if you tell them you're meditating,

363
00:13:50,432 --> 00:13:51,882
they celebrate you.

364
00:13:51,907 --> 00:13:53,459
- I want in, yeah.
- Yeah.

365
00:13:53,461 --> 00:13:55,628
Because I can't listen to
any more of Tim's stories.

366
00:13:55,653 --> 00:13:56,662
You missed the end.

367
00:13:56,664 --> 00:13:58,297
That woman on the table died.

368
00:13:58,299 --> 00:13:59,465
No.

369
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,234
And she was a senator.

370
00:14:02,815 --> 00:14:04,248
Well, a state senator, but still.

371
00:14:04,273 --> 00:14:05,821
Still.

372
00:14:13,484 --> 00:14:15,092
Jen, will you ask
Matt to pass the water?

373
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,224
Greg, will you please inform Colleen

374
00:14:16,249 --> 00:14:17,343
that she won't drown in it?

375
00:14:17,368 --> 00:14:18,411
Oh, wow.

376
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,586
Wow, look at the time.

377
00:14:20,588 --> 00:14:22,422
Yeah, time to meditate.

378
00:14:22,424 --> 00:14:25,299
Oh, wow, that must be
really nice for you guys

379
00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:26,515
to have something you can do together

380
00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:27,927
that doesn't tear you apart.

381
00:14:27,952 --> 00:14:30,145
Well, probably because you're
both at the same skill level.

382
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,372
That is so low.

383
00:14:33,397 --> 00:14:35,415
Okay, I'm going to
need a stronger mantra.

384
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,607
Aaah...

385
00:14:38,706 --> 00:14:41,174
I love that you're doing this for me.

386
00:14:41,847 --> 00:14:43,596
- I can't wait to see it.
- Mm-hmm.

387
00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:44,136
What is it?

388
00:14:44,161 --> 00:14:45,871
Is it, like, a French braid?

389
00:14:45,896 --> 00:14:47,780
No, but trust me,

390
00:14:47,805 --> 00:14:50,405
you are going to look like a princess.

391
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:53,820
It's Princess Leia, isn't it?

392
00:14:53,822 --> 00:14:54,921
Yeah.

393
00:14:54,923 --> 00:14:56,322
Not putting on the outfit.

394
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:57,923
Oh.

395
00:14:57,948 --> 00:15:00,949
Your meditation has concluded.

396
00:15:03,031 --> 00:15:05,164
Boobs... what are they?

397
00:15:05,166 --> 00:15:07,565
When will I get them, and
what do I do with them?

398
00:15:07,590 --> 00:15:09,531
Did Clementine have a
tank top on this morning?

399
00:15:09,686 --> 00:15:11,512
_

400
00:15:12,775 --> 00:15:15,209
Hey, sweetie, I just made some
turds on a log, you want some?

401
00:15:15,917 --> 00:15:16,984
No, thanks.

402
00:15:17,009 --> 00:15:19,775
My stomach hurts too much to eat turds.

403
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,554
Uh-oh, what's wrong, kiddo?

404
00:15:21,556 --> 00:15:23,540
I think I might be pregnant.

405
00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:26,457
You got it, you got it.

406
00:15:26,482 --> 00:15:27,604
Hey, that's interesting.

407
00:15:27,629 --> 00:15:29,629
So why do you think that?

408
00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:31,800
Well, my friend Molly told me

409
00:15:31,825 --> 00:15:34,105
that if you sit on the
toilet for more than a minute,

410
00:15:34,130 --> 00:15:35,396
you get pregnant.

411
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,152
Honey, we, we talked about this, okay?

412
00:15:38,177 --> 00:15:40,010
Molly is an idiot.

413
00:15:40,035 --> 00:15:41,434
Also, that's not how you get pregnant.

414
00:15:41,602 --> 00:15:42,822
Yeah, otherwise Daddy would be

415
00:15:42,847 --> 00:15:44,446
the most pregnant person in the world.

416
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,118
Thank goodness.

417
00:15:46,143 --> 00:15:49,077
I had no idea who the father was.

418
00:15:50,104 --> 00:15:52,135
Okay, she is so confused.

419
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,061
Ah, she'll figure it out in college.

420
00:15:56,553 --> 00:15:58,186
Mmm.

421
00:15:58,188 --> 00:15:59,887
- This is fun, Mommy.
- Yeah.

422
00:15:59,889 --> 00:16:02,256
- I like hanging out, just us two.
- Me, too.

423
00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:03,550
We're the best ones.

424
00:16:03,575 --> 00:16:05,360
Right?

425
00:16:05,362 --> 00:16:07,795
- Bam.
- Mmmm.

426
00:16:09,666 --> 00:16:12,017
Hey, remember how this afternoon,

427
00:16:12,042 --> 00:16:13,205
you thought that you were pregnant?

428
00:16:13,230 --> 00:16:15,169
Oh, yeah, dodged a bullet there.

429
00:16:15,171 --> 00:16:16,477
Yeah, tell me about it.

430
00:16:16,502 --> 00:16:19,951
Listen, it made me think
that it's probably time

431
00:16:19,976 --> 00:16:25,213
for you to learn how women
actually become pregnant.

432
00:16:25,215 --> 00:16:26,447
Have you heard of sex?

433
00:16:26,449 --> 00:16:28,057
Is that the present that Tyler

434
00:16:28,082 --> 00:16:30,053
always surprises Clementine with?

435
00:16:30,538 --> 00:16:31,252
What?

436
00:16:31,254 --> 00:16:33,061
He's always asking her if she likes it

437
00:16:33,086 --> 00:16:34,419
when he gives it to her.

438
00:16:35,592 --> 00:16:38,393
That's... nice. That's... uh-huh.

439
00:16:38,395 --> 00:16:42,063
No, um, sex is something really special

440
00:16:42,065 --> 00:16:45,299
between two adults who love each other.

441
00:16:45,301 --> 00:16:47,502
- Like you and Daddy.
- Exactly.

442
00:16:47,504 --> 00:16:50,938
- Or you and Uncle Matt.
- No, no, no, uh...

443
00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:53,508
But you love him, don't
you? And he's so cute.

444
00:16:53,510 --> 00:16:55,943
That, that's a different kind of love.

445
00:16:55,945 --> 00:16:57,687
It's also illegal.

446
00:16:57,712 --> 00:16:59,136
But a great question.

447
00:16:59,161 --> 00:17:00,954
So you just lead the way

448
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:03,410
and we are not going to stop
until you get all your answers.

449
00:17:03,435 --> 00:17:05,186
How much time do you have?

450
00:17:05,188 --> 00:17:06,336
Because I've been wanting

451
00:17:06,361 --> 00:17:10,016
to take this conversation
past cooties for years now.

452
00:17:13,327 --> 00:17:14,228
Sex.

453
00:17:14,230 --> 00:17:16,431
It seems to be all your
daughter Sophia can talk about.

454
00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:17,380
Okay, well...

455
00:17:17,405 --> 00:17:19,844
I her "the talk" with her recently.

456
00:17:19,869 --> 00:17:21,935
You know, Sophia had some questions,

457
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,520
and we thought that she should
get answers from one of us

458
00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,974
instead of, you know,
a misinformed student

459
00:17:26,976 --> 00:17:28,776
or Nicki Minaj.

460
00:17:29,317 --> 00:17:32,013
Yes, but she wrote a story about Dora.

461
00:17:32,015 --> 00:17:36,084
And I don't appreciate
what Dora is exploring.

462
00:17:36,086 --> 00:17:37,312
Oh, look at that, that's cute.

463
00:17:37,337 --> 00:17:38,916
I don't know where she
learned all of this from.

464
00:17:38,941 --> 00:17:40,722
You just gave her the basic talk, right?

465
00:17:40,724 --> 00:17:43,315
Yeah, it was just a
little bit more than basic.

466
00:17:43,340 --> 00:17:45,657
Just like a basic-plus, like a...

467
00:17:45,682 --> 00:17:47,109
- What?!
- Oh, my gosh.

468
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,063
You wouldn't even answer
my questions about that.

469
00:17:49,065 --> 00:17:50,250
That is such good...

470
00:17:50,275 --> 00:17:52,141
Lookit, she is, like,
so in the lines on that.

471
00:17:52,166 --> 00:17:53,468
I don't know why you
wouldn't just give her

472
00:17:53,470 --> 00:17:55,603
the same kind of talk I gave Tyler.

473
00:17:55,605 --> 00:17:58,092
Our son, you know, I just
used a plug and a wall socket.

474
00:17:58,117 --> 00:17:59,125
I got electrocuted,

475
00:17:59,150 --> 00:18:01,344
but by the time I came
to, it was all over.

476
00:18:01,369 --> 00:18:02,825
I thought that I should

477
00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:06,414
let Sophia's questions
guide the conversation.

478
00:18:06,416 --> 00:18:07,798
You know, I mean, I
feel like we should just

479
00:18:07,823 --> 00:18:09,773
be able to talk about sex... sex!

480
00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:11,819
You know, I don't want
her to feel shameful

481
00:18:11,821 --> 00:18:13,959
about her sexuality... don't you agree?

482
00:18:13,984 --> 00:18:14,982
No, I do not.

483
00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:15,788
Oh.

484
00:18:15,813 --> 00:18:17,671
And apparently during this talk,

485
00:18:17,727 --> 00:18:18,993
Sophia was drinking beer?

486
00:18:18,995 --> 00:18:20,342
My beers?!

487
00:18:21,329 --> 00:18:22,263
Root beers.

488
00:18:22,265 --> 00:18:23,804
- My root beers?!
- Okay.

489
00:18:23,829 --> 00:18:26,192
Um, I'll talk to her,

490
00:18:26,217 --> 00:18:30,775
and tell her not to
talk about sex at school,

491
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,039
and this will never happen again.

492
00:18:32,041 --> 00:18:33,341
- Thank you!
- You're welcome.

493
00:18:33,343 --> 00:18:36,546
I mean, I buy them...
I should drink them!

494
00:18:36,571 --> 00:18:38,613
He's talking about the root beers.

495
00:18:38,615 --> 00:18:40,284
Yeah, not the kids,
I didn't buy the kids.

496
00:18:40,309 --> 00:18:42,209
I made them... like this.

497
00:18:44,107 --> 00:18:46,272
Waaa...

498
00:18:46,297 --> 00:18:47,179
Mmm.

499
00:18:47,555 --> 00:18:49,476
Hey, remember that talk we had

500
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:51,045
- about sex?
- Uh-huh.

501
00:18:51,070 --> 00:18:51,849
I want you to know

502
00:18:51,874 --> 00:18:54,207
that's not something
that you share at school.

503
00:18:54,295 --> 00:18:56,795
Okay? That's a private conversation

504
00:18:56,797 --> 00:18:59,498
that you have at home, with your family.

505
00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,700
In private... it's private.

506
00:19:03,104 --> 00:19:04,328
What's so funny?

507
00:19:04,353 --> 00:19:07,571
You said the word
"private," like, ten times.

508
00:19:07,596 --> 00:19:09,322
Okay, but you get it, right?

509
00:19:09,347 --> 00:19:11,981
That's just for family.

510
00:19:12,006 --> 00:19:13,877
- Got it... just family.
- Okay, all right, good.

511
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:15,173
Let's get back to our brewskis.

512
00:19:15,198 --> 00:19:16,592
Man, I could drink these beers all day.

513
00:19:16,617 --> 00:19:17,883
Right?

514
00:19:18,664 --> 00:19:20,352
Thank you so much for having us.

515
00:19:20,354 --> 00:19:21,553
I'm sorry that Matt and I were

516
00:19:21,555 --> 00:19:22,441
a little late.

517
00:19:22,466 --> 00:19:23,922
You guys having some sex?

518
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:27,501
Sophia!

519
00:19:27,526 --> 00:19:29,626
You sure this is the level
of openness that you want?

520
00:19:29,628 --> 00:19:32,483
Absolutely... we're not going
to have any shame about sex.

521
00:19:32,508 --> 00:19:33,507
We should.

522
00:19:33,532 --> 00:19:35,298
Okay, listen, Sophia and I

523
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,900
recently had "the talk,"

524
00:19:36,902 --> 00:19:39,369
and I let her know that sex is something

525
00:19:39,371 --> 00:19:41,304
that she can always
discuss with her family.

526
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:44,541
Mom can't have sex with
you, though, Uncle Matt.

527
00:19:44,543 --> 00:19:46,343
I'll explain it to you later.

528
00:19:46,345 --> 00:19:47,991
Oh, honey, no, there's really no need

529
00:19:48,016 --> 00:19:49,783
to explain why that can't happen.

530
00:19:49,808 --> 00:19:50,707
He's got it.

531
00:19:50,817 --> 00:19:52,096
Good for you, Heather.

532
00:19:52,121 --> 00:19:55,635
I mean, sex is such a
wonderful and a healthy thing.

533
00:19:55,660 --> 00:19:57,336
No child should be afraid

534
00:19:57,361 --> 00:19:59,756
to ask any questions about it.

535
00:20:00,101 --> 00:20:01,191
Right, everybody?

536
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:06,347
Is it true that you can
have sex with yourself?

537
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:09,344
Will you excuse me? Uh, I got...

538
00:20:09,369 --> 00:20:11,067
- We have to go meditate.
- We got to meditate.

539
00:20:11,069 --> 00:20:12,836
Oh, I'd love to try meditation.

540
00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:15,921
Yep, me, too. I love learning
new things from family.

541
00:20:15,946 --> 00:20:17,407
Yeah, I'm going to go meditate, as well.

542
00:20:17,788 --> 00:20:21,156
It's my house... if anybody
gets to meditate, it's me.

543
00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:24,234
Meditate? They're saying it wrong.

544
00:20:24,259 --> 00:20:27,046
And you're supposed
to do it by yourself!

545
00:20:27,071 --> 00:20:29,171
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -

545
00:20:30,305 --> 00:20:36,506
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