1
00:00:04,859 --> 00:00:06,996
_

2
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,442
Mommy. Mommy.

3
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,244
I'm coming, Lark.

4
00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,578
Mommy?

5
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:15,561
Good morning, Lark.

6
00:00:15,912 --> 00:00:18,506
What seems to be the problem?

7
00:00:18,512 --> 00:00:21,182
Oh, don't worry. Daddy's here.

8
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,176
No Mommy?

9
00:00:22,182 --> 00:00:23,987
No, it's Dada. I know it's confusing.

10
00:00:23,993 --> 00:00:25,021
We wear the same pajamas.

11
00:00:25,027 --> 00:00:27,194
No Daddy. Mommy.

12
00:00:27,882 --> 00:00:29,788
Well, but Dada loves you.

13
00:00:30,077 --> 00:00:31,429
Okay?

14
00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:32,848
Mommy.

15
00:00:32,854 --> 00:00:34,900
Hey. Dada.

16
00:00:35,340 --> 00:00:36,489
Dada.

17
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:38,303
Hey, look me in the eyes.

18
00:00:38,918 --> 00:00:41,473
Dada loves you.

19
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,406
Mommy.

20
00:00:47,758 --> 00:00:50,282
I mean, I can't believe
she rejected me like that.

21
00:00:50,439 --> 00:00:51,189
I mean,

22
00:00:51,195 --> 00:00:53,496
I'm her dad, not a Linkedln request.

23
00:00:53,502 --> 00:00:55,268
No Daddy. Mommy.

24
00:00:55,422 --> 00:00:56,555
No Lark.

25
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,683
Huh? See?

26
00:00:57,689 --> 00:00:59,856
- Doesn't feel so good, does it?
- Greg.

27
00:00:59,862 --> 00:01:02,193
- Honestly.
- What? She started it.

28
00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:03,295
Wh... I got no beef

29
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:04,558
with her. I'm just giving her a taste

30
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:05,830
of her own medicine, that's all.

31
00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:06,931
She's a baby.

32
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,733
She doesn't even know what medicine is.

33
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:11,268
I'm pretty sure she thinks
we die when we leave the room.

34
00:01:11,270 --> 00:01:13,570
Yeah, well, she hurt my feelings.

35
00:01:13,576 --> 00:01:14,485
And look at her.

36
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:16,166
She doesn't even look like she's sorry.

37
00:01:16,323 --> 00:01:17,463
Shh.

38
00:01:17,469 --> 00:01:18,676
Don't shush me.

39
00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:19,710
Honey, look,

40
00:01:19,712 --> 00:01:20,878
it's just a phase.

41
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,180
Really. I mean, this week she wants me,

42
00:01:23,182 --> 00:01:24,682
next week she'll want you.

43
00:01:25,135 --> 00:01:26,221
You really think so?

44
00:01:26,227 --> 00:01:28,238
Of course. Although we can't really know

45
00:01:28,244 --> 00:01:29,653
unless we get divorced
and she has to choose

46
00:01:29,655 --> 00:01:30,791
who she wants to live with.

47
00:01:30,797 --> 00:01:31,522
Yeah.

48
00:01:31,524 --> 00:01:33,157
Mommy.

49
00:01:38,286 --> 00:01:39,697
Look what Daddy brought.

50
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:40,965
Lark's favorite.

51
00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:42,424
Strawberries.

52
00:01:42,430 --> 00:01:44,363
No. Mommy.

53
00:01:44,488 --> 00:01:45,506
What do you want her for?

54
00:01:45,512 --> 00:01:47,238
She's not that great.

55
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,506
Hey, there you are.

56
00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:50,641
Will you tell your daughter
you're not that great?

57
00:01:50,799 --> 00:01:52,566
Are you wearing my perfume?

58
00:01:53,937 --> 00:01:54,945
It was next to my cologne,

59
00:01:54,947 --> 00:01:58,015
and I accidentally grabbed
it and spilled some on myself.

60
00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:02,153
Uh-huh. Did my necklace
spill on you, too?

61
00:02:02,796 --> 00:02:04,321
I thought those were my dog tags.

62
00:02:04,323 --> 00:02:07,324
Oh, my God. Greg, you can't
make Lark like you more

63
00:02:07,326 --> 00:02:09,160
by making her think you're me.

64
00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:10,861
She loves you.

65
00:02:11,517 --> 00:02:14,432
Also, um, I'm gonna need
you to get me a new perfume.

66
00:02:14,434 --> 00:02:16,000
You've ruined that one for me.

67
00:02:16,777 --> 00:02:17,964
Okay.

68
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:21,138
Bye, Lark.

69
00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:23,607
- Daddy loves you.
- No.

70
00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:27,445
You know what would've happened
if you'd have pulled that crap

71
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:29,052
on me when you were a baby? Hmm?

72
00:02:29,058 --> 00:02:30,214
- What?
- Hmm?

73
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:31,382
Ow.

74
00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:33,083
Well, you asked.

75
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,386
Here's some advice.

76
00:02:35,912 --> 00:02:38,122
Chicks like you more
if you ignore them, huh?

77
00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:39,690
Lark's no different.

78
00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:42,092
If you want to win her
back, just make her jealous.

79
00:02:42,094 --> 00:02:43,360
Dad, I'm not dating my daughter.

80
00:02:43,362 --> 00:02:45,129
I'm not gonna play mind games.

81
00:02:45,131 --> 00:02:46,864
Except for peekaboo.

82
00:02:46,866 --> 00:02:48,699
Trust me.

83
00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:50,935
She'll come crawling back to you.

84
00:02:51,288 --> 00:02:52,538
Literally.

85
00:02:53,272 --> 00:02:54,738
Lark's walking now, Dad.

86
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:56,327
She is?

87
00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:00,444
Look at this. I'm pushing you.

88
00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:02,947
We are having such a good time.

89
00:03:03,706 --> 00:03:05,687
Lark, are you looking at this? Huh?

90
00:03:06,404 --> 00:03:08,757
This could be you, but you playin'.

91
00:03:09,015 --> 00:03:09,829
Yeah.

92
00:03:09,835 --> 00:03:10,888
Look at that.

93
00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:13,063
- You have to stop pushing my kid.
- What?

94
00:03:13,069 --> 00:03:15,719
I thought I was going to be okay
with this, but it's just weird.

95
00:03:15,725 --> 00:03:17,194
No, it's not weird.

96
00:03:17,196 --> 00:03:19,163
I mean, I'm just trying to
make my daughter jealous.

97
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:20,998
Okay.

98
00:03:22,802 --> 00:03:24,502
Thanks anyways.

99
00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:27,063
Wow, Lark.

100
00:03:27,438 --> 00:03:29,406
Gosh, that must be difficult.

101
00:03:29,408 --> 00:03:31,353
I am really sorry

102
00:03:31,359 --> 00:03:34,712
that you had to see me and my
new bestie have so much fun.

103
00:03:35,297 --> 00:03:38,074
Yeah. I mean, if you want,
I could give you a push.

104
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,650
I mean, it doesn't
matter to me. Either way.

105
00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:40,894
No.

106
00:03:42,957 --> 00:03:44,688
It's the only word she knows.

107
00:03:44,690 --> 00:03:46,524
Potato.

108
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,623
"No" and "potato."

109
00:03:49,691 --> 00:03:51,028
Mother is Russian.

110
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:55,332
Okay, Lark.

111
00:03:55,677 --> 00:03:58,411
Time for a little lesson
in supply and demand.

112
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:02,940
You want this candy.

113
00:04:03,317 --> 00:04:05,984
And I want your love and affection.

114
00:04:06,452 --> 00:04:07,339
So...

115
00:04:07,702 --> 00:04:09,213
let's make a deal.

116
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:10,819
Huh? Okay?

117
00:04:10,825 --> 00:04:12,025
No.

118
00:04:13,184 --> 00:04:16,220
Lark's not responding to
just straight-out bribery?

119
00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:17,257
No. No.

120
00:04:17,263 --> 00:04:18,489
What if this lasts forever?

121
00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:19,753
I mean, some phases don't end.

122
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:22,026
I mean, look at Harrison
Ford and that stupid earring.

123
00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:23,416
Everything runs its course.

124
00:04:23,422 --> 00:04:24,855
Remember there was a
time when you thought

125
00:04:24,861 --> 00:04:28,323
everything was both
"dope" and "bomb diggity"?

126
00:04:28,917 --> 00:04:29,911
No doubt.

127
00:04:29,917 --> 00:04:32,369
Up, Daddy. Up.

128
00:04:32,911 --> 00:04:34,205
Did you hear that?

129
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:35,506
Up, Daddy.

130
00:04:35,823 --> 00:04:37,801
- Whoa, look at that.
- Me?

131
00:04:37,807 --> 00:04:39,176
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

132
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:41,445
Come here.

133
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,914
Come here. Oh, you're back.

134
00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:45,847
We're back, baby.

135
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,085
We're back. I knew you'd come around.

136
00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:49,023
I knew it was only

137
00:04:49,029 --> 00:04:50,501
a matter of time.

138
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,126
You want to know what?

139
00:04:52,132 --> 00:04:53,958
I want to take her to
the Sears Portrait gallery

140
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,463
before she starts hating me again,

141
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:56,694
- so will you just take her?
- Okay. Yeah.

142
00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,689
- I'm gonna go get our matching overalls.
- Come here, baby.

143
00:04:58,695 --> 00:05:00,898
- Yeah.
- Okay.

144
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,099
Be right back.

145
00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:03,501
All right.

146
00:05:03,989 --> 00:05:04,819
Thanks, Larky.

147
00:05:04,825 --> 00:05:06,203
That was amazing acting.

148
00:05:06,205 --> 00:05:08,706
The thing is that most daddies
are just very sensitive,

149
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,600
you know, because they haven't
gone through nine months

150
00:05:10,606 --> 00:05:12,816
of a living hellscape
to give birth to you.

151
00:05:13,082 --> 00:05:14,318
Anyway, we're back.

152
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:17,381
No Mommy. Daddy.

153
00:05:17,724 --> 00:05:18,849
What?

154
00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:20,651
- Daddy.
- Oh, no.

155
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,686
M-Mama loves you.

156
00:05:22,688 --> 00:05:24,221
Oh, no.

157
00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:25,289
Oh, God, no.

158
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,496
I know.

159
00:05:33,110 --> 00:05:34,833
_

160
00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:36,333
Oh, I'm so excited to try this place.

161
00:05:36,475 --> 00:05:38,509
I hear they have a
bunch of healthy options.

162
00:05:38,515 --> 00:05:40,214
Oh, just what I love.

163
00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:41,853
Healthy options.

164
00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:46,243
Okay, what is up with
the lighting in here?

165
00:05:46,245 --> 00:05:48,779
I mean, yeah, it makes you look
like a young Henry Kissinger,

166
00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,915
but it's terrible for reading the menu.

167
00:05:51,713 --> 00:05:53,187
Sure it's the lighting?

168
00:05:53,878 --> 00:05:55,052
What's that supposed to mean?

169
00:05:55,058 --> 00:05:56,668
Well, you're making the British face.

170
00:05:56,674 --> 00:05:57,421
Hmm.

171
00:05:57,423 --> 00:05:58,289
- What?
- Hmm.

172
00:05:58,291 --> 00:05:59,657
People only look like this

173
00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:02,626
when they either need
glasses or they're British.

174
00:06:03,693 --> 00:06:04,859
Glasses?

175
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,738
Oh, come on, babe, nothing
goes wrong on this body, okay?

176
00:06:07,744 --> 00:06:10,280
- I had two of our babies standing up.
- Oh.

177
00:06:10,452 --> 00:06:11,680
Well, since you can see,

178
00:06:11,686 --> 00:06:13,504
then, uh, I was thinking
about getting this.

179
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:14,605
You think that's healthy enough?

180
00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:16,173
You see it? Right where my finger is?

181
00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:17,477
- Ye... Uh-huh, yeah.
- You can see that.

182
00:06:17,483 --> 00:06:19,370
No, no, I see. I can see it.

183
00:06:19,384 --> 00:06:22,780
- Oh. Well, then that's what I'll get.
- Yummy.

184
00:06:25,856 --> 00:06:28,052
No one's wife has ever
let them order this before.

185
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:31,040
Well, no one has a wife like mine.

186
00:06:32,777 --> 00:06:34,877
I'm so happy that you're happy.

187
00:06:35,290 --> 00:06:37,428
Wait till you see what
I ordered for dessert.

188
00:06:40,955 --> 00:06:43,213
Mom! That's not milk.

189
00:06:43,219 --> 00:06:44,719
That's egg whites.

190
00:06:45,759 --> 00:06:47,237
Yeah. Yeah, I knew that.

191
00:06:47,239 --> 00:06:48,939
It's got extra protein.

192
00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:51,375
You don't want to stay
this height forever, huh?

193
00:06:51,377 --> 00:06:53,344
Yeah? You, too, right?

194
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:54,979
All organic. Okay.

195
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,080
That's okay.

196
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,816
I'll just drink this
wine cooler you gave me

197
00:06:58,818 --> 00:07:00,351
instead of juice.

198
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,519
Hey, you got peach? Can we trade?

199
00:07:02,521 --> 00:07:03,687
What's wrong with Mom?

200
00:07:03,689 --> 00:07:05,789
She's in denial about
losing her eyesight.

201
00:07:05,791 --> 00:07:07,444
But don't take advantage of it,

202
00:07:07,450 --> 00:07:09,293
'cause that's what I'm
doing, and we can't all do it.

203
00:07:09,815 --> 00:07:10,716
Better go make sure

204
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:11,629
she's not brushing her teeth

205
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:12,939
with my butt cream again.

206
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,295
You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

207
00:07:18,654 --> 00:07:20,904
Hey, Mom, I just texted you a question.

208
00:07:20,906 --> 00:07:21,956
Yeah.

209
00:07:22,847 --> 00:07:24,508
Okay. Um...

210
00:07:24,884 --> 00:07:27,478
- Wow. Well, that's a, um...
- That's a yes?

211
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,623
- Yes, yes. Come on, that's a yes.
- Cool.

212
00:07:29,629 --> 00:07:33,307
Somebody needs to go get
his ears checked. Go. Go.

213
00:07:35,127 --> 00:07:35,996
Hey, Mom,

214
00:07:36,002 --> 00:07:38,416
could you please sign this for me?

215
00:07:39,236 --> 00:07:40,745
You know what? I-I'm gonna need you

216
00:07:40,751 --> 00:07:43,285
to read that to me 'cause
I'm a little bit drunk.

217
00:07:46,832 --> 00:07:48,288
Heather, did you sign a form saying

218
00:07:48,294 --> 00:07:51,054
Samantha could be an
exchange student in Barcelona?

219
00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:53,237
What? No!

220
00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:55,272
Yes, you did! She's
gonna be there all summer,

221
00:07:55,274 --> 00:07:57,775
and we're gonna be marooned
here with some kid named Alvero,

222
00:07:57,777 --> 00:07:59,989
who's gonna wonder why
our house smells so awful,

223
00:07:59,995 --> 00:08:02,243
because you also said Tyler
could empty his septic tank

224
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,280
into our backyard.

225
00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:05,050
What?

226
00:08:05,056 --> 00:08:06,973
Look, it is time you get some glasses.

227
00:08:06,979 --> 00:08:09,620
Oh, honey, no. Please stop.
Can we talk about this later?

228
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:12,428
I-I-I took some aspirin for my headache,

229
00:08:12,434 --> 00:08:15,225
and my stomach is
feeling very squirrely.

230
00:08:15,227 --> 00:08:17,561
Well, good news is you
won't have worms anymore,

231
00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:20,641
but the bad news is you might
experience excessive panting.

232
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,821
- What?!
- You took Lucky's heartworm medicine.

233
00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:29,039
Okay, why do we still have this?

234
00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:31,442
Lucky's been dead for five years.

235
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:33,677
The real question here is,
why won't you get glasses?!

236
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,278
You can't see!

237
00:08:39,848 --> 00:08:42,175
Hey. Hey, you look hot,

238
00:08:42,181 --> 00:08:44,655
like Miss Chalone, my
middle school librarian.

239
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:48,381
No, I look old and gross like
my middle school librarian

240
00:08:48,387 --> 00:08:50,494
who used to keep pencils in her unibrow.

241
00:08:51,928 --> 00:08:53,931
I know these milestones can be a bummer.

242
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:56,283
- Oh, they suck.
- But no matter how old you get,

243
00:08:56,289 --> 00:08:58,127
we are getting there together.

244
00:08:58,564 --> 00:09:00,612
And I am always going to
think of you as that girl

245
00:09:00,618 --> 00:09:02,239
who convinced me that
you can't get pregnant

246
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:03,915
the first time you have sex.

247
00:09:03,921 --> 00:09:06,009
I did, yeah.

248
00:09:06,011 --> 00:09:07,861
Now why don't you
yell at me for spilling

249
00:09:07,867 --> 00:09:10,714
fruit juice in my library book? Oh.

250
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:14,318
Well, I am gonna go get
something for us to spill.

251
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,054
And a ruler to spank you with.

252
00:09:18,936 --> 00:09:21,065
I am so glad my mom went to sleep

253
00:09:21,071 --> 00:09:23,405
instead of trying to hang out with us.

254
00:09:23,916 --> 00:09:26,254
Hey, guys. What's up?

255
00:09:29,201 --> 00:09:30,783
Oh, my God, Jenna!

256
00:09:32,944 --> 00:09:36,691
Look. The same! We're twinsies!

257
00:09:36,769 --> 00:09:39,589
That's so cool, Mrs.
Hughes. Glasses buddies!

258
00:09:39,595 --> 00:09:41,245
Yeah. On fleek.

259
00:09:41,496 --> 00:09:43,454
Oh,

260
00:09:43,460 --> 00:09:44,648
I'm gonna go drink my drink.

261
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:47,117
Awesome!

262
00:09:48,531 --> 00:09:52,556
Oh, my God, I can't believe I
was wearing old lady glasses.

263
00:09:55,379 --> 00:09:57,589
Anyway, it is such a, such
a pleasure to meet you.

264
00:09:57,595 --> 00:10:00,597
I'm a big art of your fan. Uh, big fart.

265
00:10:00,762 --> 00:10:02,039
He's saying he's a big fan.

266
00:10:02,045 --> 00:10:03,125
- I got that.
- Yeah.

267
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,158
_

268
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,729
Don't worry. We're not gonna be late.

269
00:10:07,735 --> 00:10:08,826
Your father said his boat docks

270
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,625
at six bells, which is
either in 20 minutes,

271
00:10:10,627 --> 00:10:11,993
or, well, you know, yesterday.

272
00:10:11,995 --> 00:10:13,528
So we actually may be late.

273
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:14,996
Well, then walk faster!

274
00:10:14,998 --> 00:10:17,165
I just don't want him to
have any reason to say no

275
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:18,850
when you ask for his
blessing to marry me.

276
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,547
Just I'm his favorite,
and I only get to see him

277
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,246
a couple times a year, and I
just want this to go perfectly.

278
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,580
I promise that it will.

279
00:10:24,848 --> 00:10:26,515
Is that the voice you're gonna use?

280
00:10:26,588 --> 00:10:28,184
You mean my voice?

281
00:10:28,186 --> 00:10:30,286
Sorry. It must be the
acoustics out here.

282
00:10:30,292 --> 00:10:32,318
Look, if it makes you feel any
better, I'm nervous, too, okay?

283
00:10:32,324 --> 00:10:33,476
He's an amazing artist.

284
00:10:33,482 --> 00:10:36,372
His mural at the Sonoma
airport blew my mind.

285
00:10:36,378 --> 00:10:38,092
A triangle sitting on top of a sphere?

286
00:10:38,098 --> 00:10:39,758
I mean, that broke all the rules.

287
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,207
Well, that's kind of his thing.

288
00:10:41,213 --> 00:10:43,366
That and having a bunch of
kids with a bunch of women.

289
00:10:43,368 --> 00:10:45,508
And dodging his taxes living at sea.

290
00:10:45,750 --> 00:10:46,822
Got a lot of things.

291
00:10:46,828 --> 00:10:48,736
Well, that's another one of his things.

292
00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:50,723
- Oh.
- Oh, Daddy!

293
00:10:50,729 --> 00:10:52,601
Ah! There's my favorite!

294
00:10:53,913 --> 00:10:55,533
Well, I'm the only one
that still talks to you.

295
00:10:55,539 --> 00:10:58,701
Ah, well, that's why you're my favorite.

296
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,249
You must be Matt.

297
00:11:00,255 --> 00:11:03,353
Hey.

298
00:11:03,355 --> 00:11:05,755
Why am I laughing? I don't
know why I'm laughing.

299
00:11:05,757 --> 00:11:07,901
Nobody even said anything
funny. Anyway, cool boat.

300
00:11:07,907 --> 00:11:09,125
Oh, well, thanks.

301
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,194
This is, uh, my wife, Sangria.

302
00:11:11,196 --> 00:11:12,977
- Ah! Ah.
- Oh, hey! Hey.

303
00:11:13,018 --> 00:11:15,865
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

304
00:11:15,867 --> 00:11:18,101
- This is a gift for you guys.
- This is the book that Colleen

305
00:11:18,103 --> 00:11:20,336
and I created together.
I did the illustrations.

306
00:11:20,338 --> 00:11:24,340
This brings me great happiness
that Colleen is with an artist.

307
00:11:24,346 --> 00:11:25,275
- Oh.
- Oh.

308
00:11:25,281 --> 00:11:27,771
Her Daddy issues finally paid off.

309
00:11:28,089 --> 00:11:30,580
Mm. Um, anyway, it's
really nice to meet you.

310
00:11:30,582 --> 00:11:31,881
I'm a huge fan of your art.

311
00:11:31,883 --> 00:11:34,317
Well, come. Let me show
you my latest piece.

312
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,953
Really? Can I...? Okay. Sorry.

313
00:11:37,296 --> 00:11:38,877
So, are you happy?

314
00:11:38,883 --> 00:11:41,057
Oh, yeah. Your dad is so random.

315
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,136
I'm obsessed.

316
00:11:42,142 --> 00:11:44,053
Yeah, you said that in
your Christmas letter.

317
00:11:45,248 --> 00:11:46,763
So...

318
00:11:46,765 --> 00:11:48,164
what do you think?

319
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:50,330
This is my latest piece.

320
00:11:50,336 --> 00:11:52,435
I think when it's finished,
it's gonna be great.

321
00:11:52,637 --> 00:11:54,986
It's already done.
The Bellagio has these

322
00:11:54,992 --> 00:11:57,065
in all of their handicapped stalls.

323
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,408
Well, this seems about
as good a time as any

324
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:01,511
to, um... to ask you a
very important question.

325
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:02,979
30 bucks without the frame.

326
00:12:02,981 --> 00:12:05,820
Mm, no. Um, sir,

327
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:08,657
I'm here because I'm in
love with your daughter,

328
00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:12,393
and I would like to ask for
your blessing to get married.

329
00:12:13,205 --> 00:12:15,252
I really like you, Matt.

330
00:12:15,258 --> 00:12:16,659
You know, when I look in your eyes,

331
00:12:16,661 --> 00:12:19,000
I see the soul of an artist.

332
00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:20,496
Which is why this is the easiest thing

333
00:12:20,498 --> 00:12:23,007
- in the world for me to say.
- No.

334
00:12:24,154 --> 00:12:25,935
Is that Spanish for "yes"?

335
00:12:25,937 --> 00:12:28,971
- No, that's Spanish for "no."
- Is it my voice?

336
00:12:28,973 --> 00:12:30,373
Because I can talk like this.

337
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:31,941
No, no, it's not your voice.

338
00:12:31,943 --> 00:12:34,577
No, it's your potential as an artist.

339
00:12:34,790 --> 00:12:37,557
Colleen says you're
an incredible talent,

340
00:12:37,563 --> 00:12:38,920
but all that would go to waste

341
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:41,551
if you shackle yourself to one woman.

342
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:44,943
An artist needs to be as
free as his brush strokes.

343
00:12:44,949 --> 00:12:46,856
Right. But you're married to Paella.

344
00:12:46,862 --> 00:12:50,283
Sangria. Maybe you have a point.

345
00:12:50,408 --> 00:12:52,810
Maybe that's why my
career's in the toilet.

346
00:12:52,816 --> 00:12:54,730
Well, no, it's not in the toilet, but

347
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,184
it's in a place where
you can definitely see it

348
00:12:56,190 --> 00:12:57,300
when you're sitting on the toilet.

349
00:12:57,302 --> 00:13:00,236
What-what... what's
happening? Mr. Ortega?

350
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,561
Thank you. You've opened my eyes.

351
00:13:03,076 --> 00:13:05,741
Oh, um... um...

352
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,711
Where are you going?
Mr. Ortega? Uh... Oh.

353
00:13:08,713 --> 00:13:11,247
No. No, no, what are you doing?

354
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:13,316
- I didn't mean for you to...
- No, you did.

355
00:13:13,318 --> 00:13:15,293
It took another artist
with the voice of a donkey

356
00:13:15,299 --> 00:13:19,122
to make me see what a
sell-out I've become. Sangria?

357
00:13:19,315 --> 00:13:23,083
- It's over.
- Over? What movie were you watching?

358
00:13:23,089 --> 00:13:25,389
Our marriage is over!

359
00:13:25,695 --> 00:13:27,695
Oh, I haven't seen that one.

360
00:13:27,878 --> 00:13:28,714
What?

361
00:13:31,481 --> 00:13:33,410
How dare you? Get out of my way.

362
00:13:35,673 --> 00:13:38,207
Oh. Take that.

363
00:13:38,956 --> 00:13:40,776
I'm already inspired.

364
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,247
What just happened?

365
00:13:44,737 --> 00:13:46,113
Well, it's complicated, Colleen.

366
00:13:46,119 --> 00:13:48,317
See, artists like your father and I

367
00:13:48,319 --> 00:13:49,819
- are deep and passionate people. 
- Uh-huh.

368
00:13:49,821 --> 00:13:51,742
- Did you get the blessing or not?
- Um...

369
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,114
It's a simple question. Yes or no?

370
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,087
It's not as simple as you would think.

371
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,144
- Why aren't you using words?
- It requires a little...

372
00:14:03,150 --> 00:14:05,301
Matt, I've changed my
mind. You have my blessing.

373
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:06,802
Oh, thank God. I was getting nervous.

374
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,560
Oh. Uh, what?

375
00:14:08,566 --> 00:14:10,919
I looked at your work and I realized

376
00:14:10,925 --> 00:14:13,701
that the greatest accomplishment
you will ever have in your life

377
00:14:13,707 --> 00:14:15,478
- is marrying my daughter.
- Aw!

378
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,636
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

379
00:14:17,642 --> 00:14:20,126
This is not an accurate representation

380
00:14:20,132 --> 00:14:22,520
of my artistic vision. No,
I-I have a whole portfolio...

381
00:14:22,526 --> 00:14:24,874
- Oh, that's okay, I get the gist.
- No, I don't think that you do.

382
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,656
Matt, what are you doing?
He gave us his blessing.

383
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,424
Yeah, I don't want his blessing.

384
00:14:28,426 --> 00:14:29,737
You should be happily married.

385
00:14:29,743 --> 00:14:31,327
No, I'll never love again.

386
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,895
But you will be so happy.

387
00:14:33,491 --> 00:14:34,477
Much like your

388
00:14:34,483 --> 00:14:35,932
crudely drawn chicken with teeth.

389
00:14:36,968 --> 00:14:38,501
- Good luck with this guy.
- Okay.

390
00:14:40,273 --> 00:14:41,375
Yay!

391
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,828
Aren't we blessed?

392
00:14:45,039 --> 00:14:47,506
Sorry I ruined your
photo of Laurel and Hardy.

393
00:14:47,923 --> 00:14:49,559
Those were my parents.

394
00:14:49,926 --> 00:14:51,979
No way. Lucky.

395
00:14:52,423 --> 00:14:54,281
_

396
00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:58,554
Aunt Joan, what if I
never find love again?

397
00:14:58,556 --> 00:15:00,089
I can't be alone forever.

398
00:15:00,091 --> 00:15:02,224
I just bought a ping-pong table.

399
00:15:02,226 --> 00:15:05,027
Now, I promised my
sister I'd look after you.

400
00:15:05,435 --> 00:15:06,990
John and I are here for you.

401
00:15:06,996 --> 00:15:08,976
Oh, to make things very clear,

402
00:15:08,982 --> 00:15:11,300
uh, I am not the one related to you.

403
00:15:11,302 --> 00:15:13,502
I can't believe Kelly did this to me.

404
00:15:13,504 --> 00:15:17,006
I mean, I stood by her, you
know, during the car accident,

405
00:15:17,219 --> 00:15:20,088
the dog attack, both sex changes.

406
00:15:21,078 --> 00:15:23,612
The minute she lost ten
pounds, she dumped me.

407
00:15:23,892 --> 00:15:26,536
I lose ten pounds when
I go to the bathroom.

408
00:15:27,588 --> 00:15:29,148
I got to go to the bathroom.

409
00:15:32,066 --> 00:15:34,763
How long is he gonna stay with us?

410
00:15:34,894 --> 00:15:36,989
If there's a suicide in this house,

411
00:15:36,995 --> 00:15:38,359
it hurts our resale.

412
00:15:38,365 --> 00:15:40,463
I have the perfect girl for him,

413
00:15:40,465 --> 00:15:42,031
Candace at the coffee shop.

414
00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:45,355
She's sweet and she's
kind and she's pretty.

415
00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:46,902
How are her standards?

416
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,270
Low!

417
00:15:48,272 --> 00:15:49,305
Huh.

418
00:15:49,307 --> 00:15:50,973
I just know

419
00:15:50,975 --> 00:15:53,783
that Mikey and Candace
will be a perfect match.

420
00:15:53,789 --> 00:15:57,413
All I have to do is change
his appearance completely

421
00:15:57,808 --> 00:15:59,585
and ply them with alcohol.

422
00:15:59,591 --> 00:16:01,851
I hear wedding bells!

423
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:07,002
So what are we doing today
with this big teddy bear?

424
00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,392
Just spiff him up so we
can meet at the coffee shop

425
00:16:09,394 --> 00:16:11,594
for coffee and coffee cake

426
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:14,864
that we can chew with our mouths closed.

427
00:16:16,458 --> 00:16:19,035
I wish I was coffee cake.

428
00:16:19,208 --> 00:16:21,775
You look like you could
pick me up without grunting.

429
00:16:22,431 --> 00:16:25,207
One of the discs in my
back's leaking fluid.

430
00:16:25,209 --> 00:16:27,243
Honey, I'm leaking
things from everywhere.

431
00:16:27,245 --> 00:16:30,279
Oh. Well, I'm glad I'm wearing a smock.

432
00:16:36,754 --> 00:16:39,121
Wow, so he can really cook a whole pig?

433
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:43,322
Yes. Yes, and-and he
can do other things, too.

434
00:16:43,328 --> 00:16:45,327
I can't think of them at the moment,

435
00:16:45,329 --> 00:16:47,096
but, uh, he...

436
00:16:47,098 --> 00:16:48,873
can cook a whole pig.

437
00:16:48,879 --> 00:16:51,801
I'm gonna go check and make sure
that my eyebrows still match.

438
00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:55,613
Oh, it's okay. He-he would
probably like that they don't.

439
00:16:55,619 --> 00:16:56,772
Uh, Aunt Joan.

440
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,630
Uh, I'm a new man.

441
00:16:59,636 --> 00:17:01,410
My new man.

442
00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:03,679
Uh, Gittel's gonna join us
for coffee if that's all right.

443
00:17:03,681 --> 00:17:04,581
No.

444
00:17:04,587 --> 00:17:06,382
I'd like to order one... pound.

445
00:17:07,785 --> 00:17:08,651
No.

446
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,053
Oh! Mm, I actually have to run.

447
00:17:11,055 --> 00:17:13,421
My nephew's bar mitzvah is tonight.

448
00:17:13,427 --> 00:17:14,757
Unless you want to join me.

449
00:17:14,759 --> 00:17:15,925
The theme is "Joshua Rocks,"

450
00:17:15,927 --> 00:17:17,226
and there's a guitar cake.

451
00:17:17,228 --> 00:17:18,394
That's my favorite kind of cake.

452
00:17:18,396 --> 00:17:19,528
Aunt Joan, do you mind if I go rage

453
00:17:19,530 --> 00:17:20,663
at the bar mitzvah?

454
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:21,564
Fine.

455
00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:22,331
Yeah?

456
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,199
- Fine.
- Come on.

457
00:17:23,201 --> 00:17:25,000
Go.

458
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:27,591
Is he here? I just broke
up with my boyfriend.

459
00:17:27,597 --> 00:17:29,105
Didn't I tell you?

460
00:17:29,107 --> 00:17:30,958
He-he couldn't come.

461
00:17:38,451 --> 00:17:40,049
Maybe I should stay over tonight.

462
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:41,950
Does this pull out?

463
00:17:41,952 --> 00:17:43,786
Uh, it does if I time it right.

464
00:17:46,387 --> 00:17:47,412
We should go.

465
00:17:47,418 --> 00:17:49,509
- I think us watching is part of it.
- Yeah.

466
00:17:49,515 --> 00:17:51,960
Oh.

467
00:17:53,431 --> 00:17:56,017
Who knew the most
annoying person in my life

468
00:17:56,023 --> 00:17:59,368
would fall for the most
annoying person in my family?

469
00:17:59,463 --> 00:18:01,878
They're doing things down there, Joanie.

470
00:18:02,839 --> 00:18:06,345
Now I see why your sister
wrapped her couch in plastic.

471
00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:07,775
Please.

472
00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:10,946
You having fun?

473
00:18:10,948 --> 00:18:13,449
No, we're not having anything.

474
00:18:13,451 --> 00:18:15,717
I can't sleep with her,
because I can't show her

475
00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:17,052
my downstairs nose.

476
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,520
What, you got a stub?

477
00:18:19,409 --> 00:18:20,893
All right, let's see it.

478
00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:22,825
No. No, no, I...

479
00:18:23,431 --> 00:18:25,494
I told her I was Jewish.

480
00:18:25,496 --> 00:18:26,326
Why?

481
00:18:26,332 --> 00:18:27,990
Because that's a deal breaker for her.

482
00:18:28,008 --> 00:18:30,974
But the second she sees
that I'm not circumcised,

483
00:18:30,980 --> 00:18:33,654
the only thing broken
is gonna be my heart!

484
00:18:34,629 --> 00:18:35,629
And that.

485
00:18:35,857 --> 00:18:36,844
I'm sorry.

486
00:18:36,850 --> 00:18:38,853
You have that backed
up on the cloud, right?

487
00:18:38,976 --> 00:18:43,045
Mikey, you can't be in a
relationship built on a lie.

488
00:18:45,642 --> 00:18:46,792
You know what, you're right.

489
00:18:46,798 --> 00:18:48,823
- I got to go back and talk to her.
- Yeah.

490
00:18:48,829 --> 00:18:51,954
I mean, what we have is stronger
than any skin covering my penis.

491
00:18:52,151 --> 00:18:55,786
Why don't you go say that
wonderful line to her?

492
00:19:00,898 --> 00:19:02,555
She dumped me!

493
00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:04,333
Damn it!

494
00:19:07,010 --> 00:19:10,338
I know a barista who will
take your penis as is.

495
00:19:10,344 --> 00:19:11,944
No, forget it.

496
00:19:12,811 --> 00:19:15,077
I'm staying in this bed
for the rest of my life.

497
00:19:15,337 --> 00:19:18,747
Oh, sorry I ruined your
photo of Laurel and Hardy.

498
00:19:19,009 --> 00:19:20,716
Those were my parents.

499
00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:24,253
Which one was your mom, the
skinny one or the fat one?

500
00:19:24,638 --> 00:19:26,563
The one with the mustache.

501
00:19:29,954 --> 00:19:32,782
Hey. What do you think?

502
00:19:33,389 --> 00:19:34,989
Haven't you always worn glasses?

503
00:19:35,577 --> 00:19:37,413
Oh, Greg, come on.

504
00:19:37,421 --> 00:19:39,256
No wonder Lark prefers Jen to you.

505
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,993
Thank you so much

506
00:19:40,999 --> 00:19:42,976
for coming, Candace.

507
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,844
- Here, sit here, dear.
- Oh, thank you.

508
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:47,135
And thank you for bringing
all these stirrers.

509
00:19:47,141 --> 00:19:50,357
Oh, sure. I am so
excited to finally meet

510
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:51,646
this nephew of yours.

511
00:19:51,652 --> 00:19:53,944
I've always wanted to date a nephew.

512
00:19:53,949 --> 00:19:55,382
Huh.

513
00:19:55,384 --> 00:19:56,263
Aunt Joan!

514
00:19:56,269 --> 00:19:57,800
- Hey, Aunt Joan.
- No.

515
00:19:57,806 --> 00:20:00,250
Dude, you were so right.
Gittel thought about it,

516
00:20:00,256 --> 00:20:01,522
and she took me back.

517
00:20:01,524 --> 00:20:03,848
After a talk with
Rabbi David, I realized

518
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:06,427
I should take what I can get
while I still have some eggs.

519
00:20:06,429 --> 00:20:07,526
And I realized that

520
00:20:07,532 --> 00:20:09,429
if we're gonna make this
work, I have to show you

521
00:20:09,435 --> 00:20:12,564
that I'm just as committed
to your faith as I am to you.

522
00:20:12,614 --> 00:20:15,615
So, uh, guys, put down the
quiche, pull up a chair,

523
00:20:16,246 --> 00:20:18,939
because this guy is gonna circumcise me.

524
00:20:18,941 --> 00:20:20,340
Oh, my God!

525
00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:22,676
I thought I was here to bless the food.

526
00:20:22,678 --> 00:20:24,471
Nope, you're giving me
a downstairs nose job.

527
00:20:24,477 --> 00:20:25,809
Oh, I love these.

528
00:20:25,981 --> 00:20:27,289
I'll get my bag.

529
00:20:27,295 --> 00:20:28,528
Should I go?

530
00:20:28,751 --> 00:20:31,185
No, dear, you stay.

531
00:20:31,187 --> 00:20:32,170
I'll go.

532
00:20:33,010 --> 00:20:38,010
Synced and corrected by Octavia 
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