1 00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:08,919 'My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an actor...' Have you heard of a film called Willow? No. 2 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,959 Not many people have, to be honest. '..An entrepreneur.' 3 00:00:13,084 --> 00:00:13,865 You're hired. 4 00:00:13,939 --> 00:00:15,100 'Soon to be divorced.' 5 00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:16,959 You're supposed to move out. We're separated. Not really. 6 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,039 'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.' 7 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,320 How am I supposed to make that much money? 8 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,879 'Today I'm at the biggest science fiction and fantasy convention in the UK. 9 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,719 'It's the fans' best day ever, 10 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,720 'cos they get to meet their heroes, and say thanks for everything. 11 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,479 'It's also a great day for me because, you know, 12 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,999 'I can say thank you for watching.' 13 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,519 My chance to give them something. 14 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,240 That's £25, please. 15 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:08,279 There you go. £25, please. Thank you. 16 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,199 Cheryl? Right. 17 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,079 Hello. Hello. All right? This is my son Michael. 18 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:16,719 Hi, Michael. How's it going? All right? He's got a tumour. 19 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,679 Oh! Sorry to hear that. 20 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,679 He really loves you. He loves all your films, don't you? 21 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,519 Thank you. 22 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,519 He'd really like a picture. Yeah, sure. 23 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,959 Shall I put Michael on here? 24 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,439 Thank you so much. It's really made his day. 25 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:35,919 Oh, it's a pleasure. There we go. £25, please. 26 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,239 What? 27 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,679 £25. 28 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,639 You're going to charge us? Yeah. 29 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,319 What, even with his tumour? 30 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:48,599 It's very sad and everything, but the sign does say £25, you know. 31 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,639 I've got to treat everyone the same, 32 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,040 or it's not fair. Anyone could say they've a tumour. 33 00:01:53,041 --> 00:01:55,199 They wouldn't. 34 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,199 You'd be surprised. A lot of people would. Who? 35 00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,799 Angie Watts did in EastEnders. 36 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,759 You remember? Dirty Den went mental at her. Rightly so. 37 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:05,519 OK, but he has got an actual tumour. 38 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,599 So you say. I don't know. 39 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,119 Well, let's assume that he's got a tumour, because he has. Yeah. 40 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,119 And if it turns out he hasn't, you can go mental 41 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,399 and I'll send you £25. How's that? 42 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:19,559 Everyone's happy. No, cos I'm not happy. I'm down £25. 43 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:23,799 You're the one that's happy. I'm not happy because he's got a tumour. 44 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,199 But no less so than when you started. You came here with a tumour, 45 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,839 you're getting more tumours, whereas I'm without 46 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,799 the £25 I'm entitled to. Look at the sign. 47 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,719 I can't believe that you're being serious. 48 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,999 Once word gets out I'm giving away pictures to people with tumours, 49 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,119 everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me! I've got a tumour!" No-one's going to do that! 50 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,639 They're more likely to go, "Wow, what a nice guy! 51 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:48,439 "He gives away free pictures to people with tumours." 52 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,599 Yeah, all right. So you'll make sure that message gets out then? 53 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,519 Right, um... 54 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,559 Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away a free picture 55 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:03,000 to officially diagnosed tumours. See, it's what I do. Nice guy, see? 56 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,280 I've got a tumour. No, you haven't. 57 00:03:07,281 --> 00:03:09,719 No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS. 58 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,519 You haven't got AIDS. Haven't I? 59 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,799 No. To get AIDS, you have to have had sex at least once. 60 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,319 Good point! 61 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,879 Who's it to? 62 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:20,759 My mates call me Morpheus. 63 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,799 Do they? No, I haven't got any mates. 64 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,440 Just put Terry. 65 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,560 £25. Thank you very much. 66 00:03:28,561 --> 00:03:30,799 Hiya. Tumour. 67 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,000 Oh, for f...! 68 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:49,759 Hi. Hi. 69 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,559 We are giant fans, 70 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,959 and we're getting married in a few weeks. 71 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,999 It's a Star Wars-themed wedding. 72 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,199 Oh, right. We're wondering, would you be guest of honour? 73 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,599 Er... 74 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,039 When is it? July the 14th. 75 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,639 This year? Yeah. Ah... 76 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,479 Diary is pretty full this year. 77 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,679 Not this year, it's not. No, there is some stuff in there. 78 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:17,959 No, the diary's completely empty. Look. It's not completely empty. 79 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,639 It is, look. See, it's completely empty. 80 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:25,359 Yeah. Thanks for that, Cheryl! We could pay you, obviously. 81 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,120 I mean, not much. Maybe £500? 82 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,799 If... If I could squeeze you in - and it is an if... 83 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,279 what would my duties be? I mean, would I best man? 84 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:40,719 No, that's my brother Rob. Sure he's the right man for the job? 85 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,839 Has he had experience of public speaking? 86 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,319 He's looking forward to it. We're best friends. 87 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,839 OK. Well, shall we just say that, you know, if Rob crashes and burns 88 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:53,119 and the whole evening falls flat, then I'll be straight up there to save the day. 89 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,959 OK. If that happens, then sure. Great! 90 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,159 And if it does happen, it'll be an extra £250. Just so you know. 91 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:03,119 I've got a great Star Wars anecdote about a certain cast member 92 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,159 who asked me to smuggle cocaine for her through LAX Airport 93 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,239 cos she said there's not a customs officer in the world 94 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,079 who wants to stick their finger up a dwarf's arse. 95 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:16,880 OK. Well, let's see how Rob gets on first. It's your special day. 96 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,079 Hi, excuse me. Hiya. 97 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,839 Would you mind being interviewed for the local news? 98 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,799 Local news? Yeah, sure. Good. 99 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,919 Great. How are you? Very well, how are you? 100 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,159 Good. Yes, very good. 101 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,839 I didn't actually know who you were. Oh. 102 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,919 He recognised you. Oh, yeah? Said you were famous. A bit. 103 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,159 Who are you? 104 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,519 Warwick Davis. So just start on me and then go over to the, er... 105 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,759 OK. What's your name again? 106 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,759 It's Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis? 107 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,919 Yeah. Davis. Warwick Davis, Warwick Davis. 108 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:01,239 Warwick Davis, I'm here with Warwick Davis. 109 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,759 You were in Star Wars, right? That's right, yeah. 110 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,559 Let's go. You rolling? 111 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,199 Hello, I'm joined with... Ah, cut! 112 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,599 Sorry. "Joined with"? What does that mean? It's OK. It's not OK. 113 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,959 Mistakes like that are why I'm still at this channel. 114 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,279 Been here three years. 115 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,359 Still doing shitty little interviews with nobodies. 116 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,719 Let's go again. 117 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:25,159 What's your name again? Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis. 118 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,360 Warwick Davis. Yeah. 119 00:06:26,361 --> 00:06:29,159 I'm with Warwick Davis, Star of the Star Wars films. 120 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,279 That is a cut as well. It was going well. 121 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:32,440 It's not going well! 122 00:06:32,441 --> 00:06:35,679 Star of the Star Wars films. Don't patronise me, thank you. 123 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,959 And also don't speak until I've introduced you. Right? Right. OK. 124 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,919 Camera's on me, I say your name, 125 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,439 then the camera goes on you. Guess what? That's when you speak. OK. 126 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,439 Say who you are and why you're here. Then we're done. 127 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,359 Been up since six for this! OK, we're going here? 128 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,840 Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis. 129 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,919 Yeah. Er, I was in Star Wars - Return of the Jedi, 130 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,559 the Harry Potter films, playing Flitwick. 131 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,959 I was also in the Leprechaun films, the first one famously starred 132 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,679 a very young Jennifer Anniston. 133 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,959 You were in a film with Jennifer Anniston? Yeah. 134 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,519 My God! Any interesting stories? 135 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,319 No, not really. Fuck's sake! Cut! 136 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,039 OK, what are you doing? 137 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,639 What? Don't set me up with that then have nothing. 138 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:21,159 We look like prats. There's no story. Clutching at straws here! 139 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,359 Well, she's.. You say Jennifer Aniston, I'll leap on it. 140 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,559 Don't send me down a cul de sac, right? OK. 141 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,519 Send one more shoddy report this week, I'm out on my ear. 142 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,199 This doesn't get on telly, you don't get on telly. 143 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,879 Brilliant! Do yourself a favour. Have you got both of us in? 144 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:40,999 Have you just got his head? It's a dwarf, if you just show his head that's the same as on anyone. 145 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,879 Can we put him on the table please, so we can just see... 146 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,799 Well, I don't think I should. Get on the table so we can see you're a bloody dwarf! 147 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,599 What are you doing? 148 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,159 All right, OK, if I just get on the chair is that OK? 149 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,520 Get on a chair. 150 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,359 OK. Right, you see? 151 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,279 OK, you ready? OK, let's do it. 152 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:04,999 I'm here with Warwick Davis, from Star Wars, and others. Go. 153 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,919 Yeah, um, I was in, er, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi... Yes. 154 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,200 Played Wicket the Ewok. 155 00:08:09,201 --> 00:08:11,399 Er, I was in the Harry Potter films. Of course. 156 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:15,079 The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Yeah. Time Bandits. No, I wasn't in that. 157 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,120 Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf! 158 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,839 Fucking hell! 159 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,639 Cut. Sorry, my bad! 160 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:24,920 That's my bad, sorry. 161 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:28,919 Have you got any interesting stories about, um, about Star Wars? 162 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:32,919 Well, yeah, I've got a good story about how my grandmother got me the part. 163 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,519 Shall we do that? OK? 164 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,839 Right. Here we go again. 165 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:41,199 Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis, Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf. 166 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,039 Go on. How d'you get that part? 167 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,239 I was 11 and my grandmother was listening to the radio... 168 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,360 Oh, my God, The A-Team van, the A-Team van. 169 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,119 Good, OK. 170 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:55,560 He's gone to interview what is essentially a second-hand car. 171 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,119 Not a massive earner today. Made 250 quid, 172 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,559 which is why we're going to have a brainstorming session. 173 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:12,359 Do you know what that is? It just... Throw out any money-making ideas you've got, right? 174 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,439 Brain storming, OK. 175 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,039 I'll make some notes. 176 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:19,959 We'll start with number one, OK? 177 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,719 In your own time. 178 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,199 The company is called Dwarves For Hire. Is that right? 179 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,799 Yes, it is, yeah, yeah. 180 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,479 Why do you have to only do acting? Could you do other stuff? Such as? 181 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:32,759 Chimney sweep. 182 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,439 Chimney sweep? Why am I suddenly doing that? 183 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,719 Well, it used to be children, didn't it? 100 years ago, yeah. 184 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,599 But it's cruel to send children up there nowadays, so... 185 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,799 So it's not cruel to send a dwarf up there? 186 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:48,159 No, because you're an adult, aren't you? Oh, are you not? Oh, I thought you're an adult. 187 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:49,679 Yeah, of course I'm an adult, 188 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:52,799 but I'm also a businessman and I've been in loads of big films. 189 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,678 Why am I suddenly running up chimneys? 190 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:57,040 You wouldn't have to run up there, I could help you up. 191 00:09:57,041 --> 00:10:01,359 Right so, so your business idea is you shoving me up a chimney? 192 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,919 Well, you wouldn't actually necessarily have to go up there at all. 193 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,439 When my gran used to have her chimney cleaned, the bloke 194 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:12,559 would come round, cover everything up with sheets then stick a long brush up there. You could do that. 195 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,359 Right, so now I'm not even taking advantage of my size. 196 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:16,760 I'm just a chimney sweep? 197 00:10:16,761 --> 00:10:19,959 Or I could be at the bottom, and you could be at the end of the pole 198 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,559 cleaning the top of the chimney, doing a great job, 199 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:26,439 and people would come round and go, "Wow, that is the cleanest chimney ever! 200 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:27,718 "How did you do that?" 201 00:10:27,719 --> 00:10:29,120 "I had a dwarf on a pole." 202 00:10:29,121 --> 00:10:30,959 "Which one?" "Warwick Davis." 203 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,159 "Who's Warwick Davis?" "He's an actor." 204 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,719 "What's he been in?" "Films." 205 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:35,919 "Which ones?" 206 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,639 "I can't remember. 207 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,840 "These ones." 208 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,479 Right. That idea's safe. 209 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:51,920 Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole". 210 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,479 Good, um, moving on to number two. 211 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,759 You could do other stuff that's too dangerous for children. 212 00:10:58,760 --> 00:10:59,879 Like what? 213 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,319 You could be used as bait to catch a paedophile. 214 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,679 Go on. How would this work? 215 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,719 You in a little dress, with bunches in your hair, 216 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,399 just playing in the woods waiting for paedophiles to come up to you, 217 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,760 and molest you. 218 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,759 Why am I dressed as a little girl? Why can't I be a boy? 219 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,919 I don't think there's any gay paedophiles. 220 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,679 There's loads of gay paedophiles. 221 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:26,959 Also, they won't have done anything wrong because if a paedophile comes up to me and offers me some sweets, 222 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,439 all he's done is give a dwarf some sweets. That's not illegal. 223 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,159 What happens if a real kid comes over and wants to play? 224 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,639 I'm a grown man dressed as a little girl playing with a kid in the woods. 225 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,040 Straight to prison. Next. 226 00:11:38,041 --> 00:11:41,479 You could hide in places too small for other people to hide in. 227 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,400 I don't even know what job that is. 228 00:11:43,401 --> 00:11:44,959 Forget it. 229 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,639 It's just, it's not working. 230 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:47,679 Just... 231 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:50,239 There's nothing come in, no job offers at all? 232 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,079 No, nothing really. Oh. 233 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,159 Oh. Oh, yeah, Johnny Depp's agent called. 234 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:57,319 What? 235 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,840 Give it... 236 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,200 You didn't want to mention this? 237 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:08,079 'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin. 238 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:11,479 'Tim is directing, obviously, it is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter. 239 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:16,839 'Johnny will be playing Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf from the classic fairy tale.' OK. 240 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,239 'But you may know Johnny's a real method actor, 241 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,519 'he spends a lot of time researching his roles 242 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:25,119 'and he wants to meet and understand what it's like to be a little person.' 243 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,479 Fantastic. He's made the right decision. 244 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,439 I totally understand what it's like to be a little person. 245 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,959 'Great! Obviously Johnny will pay you for your time. 246 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:38,599 'We thought a week's work, Monday to Friday, £1,000 a day. 247 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,039 £5,000? 248 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,319 'Yeah. Is that OK?' 249 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,239 Yeah, that's good, yeah. 250 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,479 'Are you free from Monday next week?' 251 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:51,639 Er, let's just, er, just check the old diary. 252 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:56,119 Er, it's pretty chocca so, er, you know, we'll have to shift a few things around. 253 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,839 You've got nothing but a back wax. 254 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:01,399 Yeah. No, I'm all set. Great. 255 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:06,719 'Great. Johnny will see you at the Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.' OK, see you then. Bye. 256 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,159 'Bye.' Oh! 257 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,959 Oh, I can't believe you're meeting Johnny Depp. 258 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,199 He is my favourite film star. 259 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,519 He's one of the handsomest men on earth, and he's intelligent, 260 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:20,319 and brilliant at acting, and rich. 261 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,679 Probably wouldn't go out with me, though, would he? Probably not. 262 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,319 Course, he's married, isn't he? 263 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,400 He is sadly, otherwise you'd be straight in there. 264 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:35,679 Not bad, is it? Being a muse to one of the biggest movie stars of all time. 265 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,599 I'm not going to tell him how to say his lines, no. 266 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,079 I'm not going to tell him how to play a dwarf. 267 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,559 I'm going to tell him how to be a dwarf, 268 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,880 how to think like a dwarf, how to feel like a dwarf. 269 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,719 Then they'll use special effects to make him small like a dwarf. 270 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,520 Team effort. 271 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,279 Hello. Oh, ho-ho, wow! 272 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,359 That's perfect. OK. It's perfect. Yeah you just, just move... 273 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:08,720 All right? Just go and do whatever you would normally do. 274 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,839 Crazy little walk. Where do you sit? 275 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,119 On like a chair, sofa? Or like, er, on the floor, cross-legged? 276 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:20,039 Can you actually, can you do cross-legged? 277 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:23,999 Not really, I just normally sit in a chair. Really? Yeah. Shall we, shall I sit down? 278 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,119 Yeah, yeah, please, please. 279 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,000 Wow...! He hopped on the chair. 280 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,279 It's, it's great. Cool. 281 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,839 He's kind of like a grub coming out of an apple, 282 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,679 seeing the world for the first time. 283 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,479 All right. 284 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,599 So may I ask you a question? Mm-hm. If you were struck by lightning, 285 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,879 bolt of lightning, bam! 286 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:49,919 Right? Yeah. What do you do? 287 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:53,159 Dead! Maybe not. OK. 288 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,960 Can I just see you out of that chair, 289 00:14:54,961 --> 00:14:57,079 on that floor? 290 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:58,799 Standing here like this? Yeah. 291 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,319 Just you and me. Yeah. We're standing here talking. 292 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:04,359 Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bam! Ba! 293 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:07,199 A bolt of lightning is going to knock you down. OK. 294 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,519 Bam! Ah! Oh! Stand up. 295 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,360 Fucking stand up. That's great. 296 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,959 Ah! That noise! Yeah. Noise is fantastic. Let's do the noise again. 297 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,519 Cool, right. 298 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,159 Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! 299 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:29,199 Agh! Aghhhh! That's fantastic! Oh, God that's great! Yeah, cool. That's really great. 300 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:33,559 It's like a... it's like a weird baby crow that's been left by its mother, 301 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,479 and the little legs started flailing. 302 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:41,439 Did they? And, er... Yeah, they did. Sorry, I'm just making notes. 303 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:45,079 Have you heard of, erm... Michael Flatley? 304 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,679 Er, yeah. Yes, hmm. 305 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,599 The Lord Of The Dance. Oh, yeah. 306 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:54,440 Right. Here we go, you and me. Yeah. What are we going to do? The Lord Of The Dance. 307 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,919 Faster. 308 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,640 Fucking give me passion. 309 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:04,799 No, come on! 310 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,680 That's not Michael Flatley. 311 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,400 Lord Of The Dance! Yeah. Lord Of The Dance! Yeah. 312 00:16:11,401 --> 00:16:14,800 Faster. Faster. More, more! 313 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:21,199 So, there's one scene, 314 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,479 er... that I need to see, 315 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,639 cos at one point 316 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:30,519 Rumpelstiltskin climbs up through the sewers... 317 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,799 Right... to escape the villagers. 318 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:37,159 OK. OK? Yeah. Yeah. 319 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,839 How do you want to do that? 320 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,759 Oh, boy! Oh, boy! 321 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,480 Oh, God! It's far too much. 322 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,679 It's an evil toilet dwarf. 323 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:50,999 Yeah. 324 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,199 Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! OK. 325 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:58,839 Ugh! Ooo-ugh! 326 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,399 How do you feel? 327 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,319 Erm, feet are a bit wet, to be honest. 328 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:07,599 So what is a typical day for you? 329 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,959 Um. I want to see what you do, I want to see what you do. How you do it. 330 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,479 What you do? Same as you probably, really. 331 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:17,879 Um, just sort of having important meetings, doing some brilliant acting. Mm. 332 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,320 Um, hanging out with famous people, sort of thing. 333 00:17:20,321 --> 00:17:22,039 Like, who like? 334 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,839 Other dwarves, like tiny men? 335 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:25,640 Sometimes. Er, yeah. But, I mean, today, 336 00:17:25,641 --> 00:17:28,919 I'm going to cruise down and meet a couple of good friends of mine... 337 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,799 Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. 338 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:32,879 Ricky Gervais? 339 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,999 Mm hm. 340 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,999 Can I come with you? 341 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,599 Sure, yeah. Yeah. 342 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,800 Good. Let's do it, yeah? Yeah. 343 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,119 There they are, the lads. 344 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:51,559 Hi. Hello, lads. So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every other day to see you guys, don't I? 345 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:55,199 Seems like it, yeah. Have you, er, have you met before? Johnny this is Stephen. 346 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,919 Hello, pleased to meet you. No. 347 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,999 And Ricky there. I actually remember him from the Golden Globes. 348 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,919 Hi. Yeah. How's it going? 349 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:07,239 I'm fine. Just doing another film that's going to make loads of money... 350 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,959 probably a lot more money than any film you've ever... ahem... made. 351 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,199 Good. 352 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,239 And you? 353 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:20,520 Er, yeah just, just writing, I write and direct all my own stuff. 354 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,319 How great for you. 355 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,879 That must be so great. I'm working with a great director - Tim Burton. 356 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,759 Have you ever heard of him? 357 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:29,760 Of course. Yeah. 358 00:18:29,761 --> 00:18:34,879 And the film itself is really brilliant and I'm playing a very interesting character. 359 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,359 Do you have any idea who my leading lady is on this film? 360 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,479 Erm, in the Tim Burton film? Um, yeah. 361 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,199 Helena Bonham Carter? 362 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,559 How d'you know? Stab in the dark. 363 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:49,839 She thinks you're an idiot. Sorry, have I done something to offend you? 364 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,879 What do you mean, like, 365 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:55,799 trashing me in front of 200 million people at the Golden Globes? 366 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,999 That was a while ago, they were jokes, Johnny... 367 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,839 Oh, they were jokes? Yeah. You like jokes? Yes. 368 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:06,359 Good, cos I got together with a few pals, after the awards, 369 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,599 and we wrote some jokes... 370 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,399 about you. 371 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:15,039 And I want you to know this, I want you to carry this with you for the rest of your days. 372 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:20,280 No-one makes fun of Tim Allen on my watch... 373 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,559 and gets away with it. 374 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:27,199 Don't say anything, just keep that in you, OK? 375 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,719 Here are my jokes. 376 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:32,239 What is nastier than Ricky Gervais's jokes? 377 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:33,560 His teeth! 378 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:39,119 Why do people instantly dislike Ricky Gervais? Because it saves time! 379 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,599 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 380 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:45,039 Why did Ricky Gervais do a series of audio books? 381 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,680 So that the blind could hate him as well. 382 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,239 Now, this is from Angelina. 383 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:55,759 "Tell Ricky Gervais that me and Brad have a picture of him on our mantelpiece, 384 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,759 "because it keeps the kids away from the fire." 385 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,079 And why isn't Ricky Gervais circumcised? 386 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,679 Because there's no end to that prick. 387 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,879 Did you quit Twitter recently? 388 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,360 Well, about two years ago. 389 00:20:10,361 --> 00:20:12,439 But you quit Twitter? Yeah. Right. Yes. 390 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,920 And did you quit because it only has 140 characters? 391 00:20:14,921 --> 00:20:18,079 Well, the joke I made at the time was I'm so verbose 392 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,399 that I can't say everything in 140 letters, so... 393 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,599 Right. Do the joke. What's the joke? 394 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:29,839 I hear that Ricky Gervais quit Twitter recently because it only has 140 characters. 395 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:34,039 Well, that's 139 more characters 396 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,799 than he's ever come up with. 397 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,599 Good joke. The telling of it took about as long as long as 398 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,320 Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but yeah, it's a good joke. 399 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:43,760 You're laughing. 400 00:20:43,761 --> 00:20:45,919 Well, it's just... 401 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,799 You fucking laughed. Mm... What, are you dissing Pirates now? 402 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,879 No. Really? It's a good movie, I thought it was... 403 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,159 Just a bit long though, which he picked up on. 404 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,279 People love that movie. Oh, yeah. 405 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,479 What is wrong with you people? 406 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:05,039 Seriously, why do you pick on movie stars? What have I done wrong? 407 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,599 Picking on.. I'm trying to express myself, man, to help people. 408 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:12,279 Sure. Give joy to the masses. Right. 409 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,439 Is that a crime? Is that a crime? 410 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,039 Seriously. 411 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,879 No.. 412 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,959 No. 413 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,199 No more. 414 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,200 No more. 415 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,759 These Hollywood stars are so touchy, aren't they? 416 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,280 Tell me about it. 417 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,599 Well, that's five grand down the drain! 418 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:55,759 Still, I've got that wedding on Saturday and that's cash in hand. 419 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,239 Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, Warwick. 420 00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,800 Onwards and upwards! 421 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,480 Five grand, though! 422 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:28,279 Well, here he is. Hello. Hi, nice to see you again. Warwick. 423 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,159 Where's your Ewok outfit? My...? 424 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,039 Ewok outfit, where is it? 425 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,679 What do you mean? Well, obviously we want you dressed as an Ewok. 426 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:41,439 What do you mean, obviously? Why else would we invite you? For my celebrity status? 427 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:45,679 I invite dwarves to my wedding willy-nilly if they're not bringing anything to the table. 428 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,839 You didn't bring the Ewok costume. 429 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,119 Why would I walk around with a costume? 430 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,560 That was for a film. Why do you actually need me? 431 00:22:52,561 --> 00:22:55,319 Anyone could walk around dressed as an Ewok. 432 00:22:55,320 --> 00:23:00,279 That's not Dave Prowse, and that's not Anthony Daniels, that's not Kenny Baker in a dustbin there. 433 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,599 Yeah, it is actually. Is it? 434 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,800 Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick. 435 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:12,919 My future wife is expecting to see an Ewok at her wedding. 436 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,840 You want me to, magic up an Ewok costume? 437 00:23:14,841 --> 00:23:16,759 Could get like a bear outfit... 438 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:21,359 Ewoks aren't bears. Could someone pop to Hamley's for a big toy bear and put him in it? 439 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,919 What am I? A pair of pyjamas? 440 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:27,319 I've got a big toy bear my brother won at the fair. I could get that. 441 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:32,079 Would you mind? No, I don't want it, it stinks, the dog humps it all the time. 442 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:36,000 Great, yes, get the stinky bear. Excuse me, I'm still here, you know. 443 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:57,919 And, finally, just like to say a few words about 444 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,119 Emma's grandmother, Vera, who sadly passed away very recently. 445 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:07,079 We're certain that she's looking down on us today wishing them all the love in the world, 446 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,959 so please raise your glasses as we toast the bride and... 447 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,599 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute, hang on. 448 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,959 Let's not go out on a dead gran, let's have a bit of a laugh here. 449 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:20,679 Um, here we go, just, er, hop up. 450 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,079 Oh! Thank you very much. I will take that. 451 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,799 I'd just like to say a few words. Let's end on a high... 452 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,879 That's a good effort but a bit depressing for a wedding. 453 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:35,960 I'm Warwick and I'm the other best man and I'm going to keep this speech short, like myself! 454 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,719 The groom is not just a huge fan of mine but he's also a huge 455 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:47,079 a cricket fan and I know he's been waiting to find out the Test results. 456 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,160 It's all right, mate, they're negative! 457 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,919 And there's only one thing that's hit more balls 458 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,679 than Ian Botham's bat, and that's Emma's chin! 459 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:10,359 Traditionally, the best man's speech is when you make the groom feel uncomfortable for five minutes. 460 00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:13,119 Which is exactly what Nigel does to Emma in bed. 461 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:21,559 I mean, he makes her feel uncomfortable as he's not very good in bed. 462 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,559 Not cos he's making her do something she doesn't want to do, 463 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,600 like forcing her to do anal. 464 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,239 OK. 465 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:37,639 Um, er, and looking around the room you know I can see 466 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:42,839 you're thinking if I'm the best man, why is Nigel marrying Emma? 467 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,440 Cos I didn't get her pregnant. 468 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,679 What's, what's the matter with her, what...? 469 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,439 She can't have kids. What? 470 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:54,960 She can't have children. 471 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,399 There's no way I could have known she's barren. 472 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,400 This is ridiculous. 473 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:12,679 It's ridiculous, you've got to chill out, honestly. 474 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,440 You don't know how lucky you are to have me here. 475 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,519 Twat! 476 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,080 Big laughs and thanks for that. 477 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,439 So... 478 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,119 Emma's gran. 479 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:32,719 Emma's gran. 480 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,999 Emma's gran. 481 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,520 She needs a drink! 482 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,399 'What a week! 483 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:41,999 'It started off so well.' 484 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,639 Star of a convention, didn't make any money. 485 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:48,759 Then Johnny Depp comes along, supposed to get five grand, I blow that. 486 00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:52,439 And then get paid to come to a wedding - blew that. 487 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,159 What am I doing? 488 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:59,919 Sometimes I seriously think I should just give up this lark and get a proper job. 489 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:01,720 What could you do instead? 490 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:05,440 There's the rub. 491 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,679 You're stealing the best roles for yourself. 492 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:18,039 It's really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks. 493 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:20,720 I just said, first off get a bra that fits... 494 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:25,399 She's weak minded and vulnerable and easily persuaded. 495 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:26,880 That's how he got her, yes. 496 00:27:26,881 --> 00:27:29,759 He's more your run-of-the-mill kind of chap. 497 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,199 What's all this? We want to talk to you. 498 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,120 I can't have its face staring at me. It?! 499 00:27:34,121 --> 00:27:35,920 Can we lose the face? 500 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,599 Right, that's one for Great Ormond Street. 501 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:46,799 Signed DVDs of The Office, only £30. Signed by Ricky Gervais. 502 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,439 And then Save the Children and that one's Help The Aged. 503 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,039 Thanks for doing this, Rick. 504 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,000 It's amazing how much they'll raise. 505 00:27:53,001 --> 00:27:56,439 Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning. Excellent, just dump it there. 506 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:59,639 Yeah, we've got coffee, and we have sandwiches. 507 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:04,799 Cheers. Oh, Shaun, I was going to ask you, for a quote for the office. 508 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:09,479 Ooh, the most important sitcom of a generation. 509 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,959 Er cheers. No, um... 510 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,400 I meant a quote to paint the office. 511 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:17,759 Three hundred? 512 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,160 That's cheap. It is, yeah. 513 00:28:19,161 --> 00:28:21,879 Four. Well, you said three just now. 514 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:23,360 I... Yeah, I'll give you four. 515 00:28:23,361 --> 00:28:26,199 Cheers. It's your money. 516 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:27,799 It's still cheap, innit? 517 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,120 It is, yeah. 518 00:28:30,145 --> 00:28:35,445 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells