1 00:00:00,958 --> 00:00:02,397 What's the problem? 2 00:00:02,398 --> 00:00:05,477 When I signed up, my heroes were Laurence Olivier, Al Pacino... 3 00:00:08,059 --> 00:00:09,158 At least you're working. 4 00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:11,369 I know. It's not exactly what I dreamed of. 5 00:00:11,370 --> 00:00:12,490 Oh, here we go! 6 00:00:20,010 --> 00:00:21,250 Strike! 7 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:25,929 'My name is Warwick Davis.' Hello, Dwarves For Hire. 8 00:00:25,930 --> 00:00:27,409 'I'm an entrepreneur.' 9 00:00:27,410 --> 00:00:30,369 You're stealing the best roles for yourself. 'I'm an actor.' 10 00:00:30,370 --> 00:00:32,969 What part of the character's this? Just keep going. 11 00:00:32,970 --> 00:00:35,649 'Soon to be divorced.' Got your special shampoo? Yes. 12 00:00:35,650 --> 00:00:37,689 'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.' 13 00:00:37,690 --> 00:00:41,650 It's you that didn't know what he was doing. You're my accountant. 14 00:00:47,170 --> 00:00:52,049 Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and welcome to my website, warwickdavis.org.uk. 15 00:00:52,050 --> 00:00:54,609 Here's a showbiz anecdote for you. 16 00:00:54,610 --> 00:00:58,329 I was trying on costumes once with actor Mark Hamill. 17 00:00:58,330 --> 00:01:00,569 He was stripped down to his underwear, 18 00:01:00,570 --> 00:01:05,369 and I was quite literally taken aback by the size of the bulge in his underpants. 19 00:01:05,370 --> 00:01:08,489 For a slight man, there really was a monster down there. 20 00:01:08,490 --> 00:01:11,529 I was mightily impressed, and he was flaccid. 21 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:15,369 So there you have it, finally Warwick Davis has gone cyber. 22 00:01:15,370 --> 00:01:19,769 The site's been live for 48 hours now. How many hits, Cheryl? 23 00:01:19,770 --> 00:01:21,769 12. 24 00:01:21,770 --> 00:01:24,249 12. For God's sakes! See, that annoys me. 25 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:29,689 Porn stars on sites like, I don't know, hotdirtysluts.co.uk, millions of hits. 26 00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:33,409 Me, proper film star making proper films, 12 hits. 27 00:01:33,410 --> 00:01:38,489 "Do you want to visit my website?" "No, we'd rather have a wank, Warwick." "Oh, have a wank then." 28 00:01:38,490 --> 00:01:42,849 I mean, part of the problem could be that my website address is warwickdavis.org.uk. 29 00:01:42,850 --> 00:01:46,849 Um, I couldn't get warwickdavis.com cos that was already taken, 30 00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:51,449 so if you're looking for me and you type in warwickdavis.com, 31 00:01:51,450 --> 00:01:54,569 you're going to be sorely disappointed. 32 00:01:54,570 --> 00:01:57,369 Probably get some clown who's a plumber in Chepstow. 33 00:01:57,370 --> 00:01:59,770 There he is. And I don't think you want to go there. 34 00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:03,129 Well, it turns out you do, actually, he's had more hits than me. 35 00:02:03,130 --> 00:02:07,169 1,800 people need a plumber in Chepstow? Fuck off! 36 00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:08,210 What do you need? 37 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,489 Well, I won't keep you guys. Go on. 38 00:02:10,490 --> 00:02:13,569 Well, I was thinking, what'd be great for my website 39 00:02:13,570 --> 00:02:16,489 would be a quote from you, Ricky, endorsing me as an actor. OK. 40 00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:18,729 Think that's a good idea? Yeah, definitely. 41 00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:21,009 The problem is, I'll start straightaway, 42 00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:24,009 um, I can't think of anything. You could think of something. 43 00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:28,649 Just a couple of sentences singing my praises, and directors and producers would see it up there 44 00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:31,649 and think, "Wow, this dude must be good if..." Really good idea. 45 00:02:31,650 --> 00:02:35,209 Yeah, yeah? What, to me to put my name to, to his... Yeah, yeah... career? 46 00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:38,449 Um, well, we're a bit snowed under, to be honest, but I... 47 00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:41,769 Can you just e-mail me something later? Oh... Yeah. 48 00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:43,850 Great. Cheers. Thanks. 49 00:02:52,810 --> 00:02:56,689 The Society Of People Of Short Stature was set up in 1985. 50 00:02:56,690 --> 00:03:01,129 We're a group that really campaigns for the rights of little people. 51 00:03:01,130 --> 00:03:06,049 Currently, the chairman is a man called Anthony Braden. 52 00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:08,410 I am vice chairman. 53 00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:12,849 I should probably be chairman, really, 54 00:03:12,850 --> 00:03:17,609 but I suppose it means more to Anthony, so good luck to him. 55 00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:21,929 Prejudice doesn't need to be hate-fuelled, it can just be ignorance. 56 00:03:21,930 --> 00:03:25,209 It can be being patronised or it can just simply be... 57 00:03:25,210 --> 00:03:29,449 'I feel it's important to use whatever charisma 58 00:03:29,450 --> 00:03:33,809 'and star power that I've been blessed with to help others.' 59 00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:35,689 It's an honour. 60 00:03:35,690 --> 00:03:37,729 It's also a duty. 61 00:03:37,730 --> 00:03:41,329 If you can send in your bits of news and any interesting articles 62 00:03:41,330 --> 00:03:43,209 we'll try and get them published. 63 00:03:43,210 --> 00:03:47,449 So I look forward to seeing you at the next meeting. Thanks. 64 00:03:47,450 --> 00:03:49,769 What's... What's all that? What's... 65 00:03:49,770 --> 00:03:54,169 Oh, I've just got to do a quick interview for BBC News about the society, 66 00:03:54,170 --> 00:03:56,970 What, they're interviewing you? Yeah. 67 00:04:04,490 --> 00:04:05,889 Hiya. 68 00:04:05,890 --> 00:04:08,289 So you're from the BBC. 69 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:09,329 Er, yeah. 70 00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,769 British Broadcasting Corporation. 71 00:04:11,770 --> 00:04:14,449 And, er, and you're interviewing Anthony? 72 00:04:14,450 --> 00:04:16,569 That's right. 73 00:04:16,570 --> 00:04:21,649 Seems a bit odd. You know, you've got a film star in your midst and you wouldn't use him. 74 00:04:21,650 --> 00:04:22,930 What film star? 75 00:04:22,931 --> 00:04:26,889 Me, Warwick Davis. Return Of The Jedi, etc. 76 00:04:26,890 --> 00:04:29,409 Ah, OK. It's just a quick interview. 77 00:04:29,410 --> 00:04:33,449 We were told Anthony's the chairman of the society. Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, well, he is. 78 00:04:33,450 --> 00:04:37,569 Bit worried, actually. Anthony might freeze up in front of the cameras, you know. 79 00:04:37,570 --> 00:04:39,410 It's just one camera. 80 00:04:43,290 --> 00:04:45,729 Can I have a word? Yeah, of course. 81 00:04:45,730 --> 00:04:48,449 Bloody film crew just clocked me, right, 82 00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:51,089 and they want me to do the interview. 83 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:52,810 You all right if we do it together? 84 00:04:52,811 --> 00:04:54,690 Yeah, fine. I'm not bothered. 85 00:04:57,770 --> 00:05:01,449 Hiya. Just spoke to Anthony over there. 86 00:05:01,450 --> 00:05:04,089 Our worst fears have come true. He's nervous. 87 00:05:04,090 --> 00:05:06,769 He wants me to do the interview with him. 88 00:05:06,770 --> 00:05:09,730 Er, fine, whatever. Cool. 89 00:05:11,130 --> 00:05:13,289 You got a dressing room I can chill out in? 90 00:05:13,290 --> 00:05:15,529 Just need to get my head together, you know. 91 00:05:15,530 --> 00:05:17,570 No, we're ready to go now. Cool, mm. 92 00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,809 Got any slap? 93 00:05:20,810 --> 00:05:22,809 Slap? Make-up. 94 00:05:22,810 --> 00:05:23,849 No. 95 00:05:23,850 --> 00:05:25,650 It's all right, got me own. 96 00:05:27,090 --> 00:05:28,850 Pop another chair out. 97 00:05:33,770 --> 00:05:35,129 You all right? 98 00:05:35,130 --> 00:05:37,689 Bit shiny... Do you want some powder? 99 00:05:37,690 --> 00:05:38,730 No, I'm fine. 100 00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:41,009 Sweaty. 101 00:05:41,010 --> 00:05:42,089 Happy? 102 00:05:42,090 --> 00:05:44,249 Yeah, I'm happy. You happy? Yeah. 103 00:05:44,250 --> 00:05:46,369 Great, let's rock 'n' roll. OK, then. 104 00:05:46,370 --> 00:05:47,570 Take one. 105 00:05:48,730 --> 00:05:50,809 So, what are you campaigning for? 106 00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:56,769 Well, um, homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays, 107 00:05:56,770 --> 00:06:00,769 and yet words like midget are still being commonly used. 108 00:06:00,770 --> 00:06:05,849 Anthony's mentioned racism, and I see our struggle as being like the civil rights movement in America. 109 00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:09,609 Of the two of us, I suppose I'm more like Martin Luther King, 110 00:06:09,610 --> 00:06:12,849 just cos I've got the profile and the charisma and a way with words, 111 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:16,929 but, you know, that's not to say Anthony's not got an important role to play. 112 00:06:16,930 --> 00:06:20,329 He's more your run of the mill coloured chap in the '50s, you know. 113 00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:23,929 Yes, I'm taking all the glory and going down in history, 114 00:06:23,930 --> 00:06:26,049 but then he's not getting shot in the head. 115 00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:27,730 So, swings and roundabouts. 116 00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:30,849 So, what is to be done? 117 00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:32,209 It's about awareness. 118 00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:36,089 A lot of people don't even realise that the word midget is considered offensive. 119 00:06:36,090 --> 00:06:39,849 Oh, yeah, can I take this? Um, what we're talking about is equality, right? 120 00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:41,649 Martin Luther King once said, 121 00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:47,369 "I have a dream that one day a little black boy will walk hand in hand with a little white girl," OK? 122 00:06:47,370 --> 00:06:50,849 Swap the word black for dwarf, and you've got my situation. 123 00:06:50,850 --> 00:06:56,809 Not literally. I don't mean I want to walk down the street holding hands with a little white girl, 124 00:06:56,810 --> 00:06:58,449 you know, or any little girl. 125 00:06:58,450 --> 00:07:02,569 And if I did, um, totally above board, got the parents' permission and everything, 126 00:07:02,570 --> 00:07:07,249 and it's not like I'm going to a supermarket and dragging the little girl out by the hand 127 00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:11,249 and off down the woods, you know, Mum screaming, "Oh, where's my child?" 128 00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:14,329 "Went off down the woods with a creepy little dwarf." 129 00:07:14,330 --> 00:07:21,730 What I'm saying is that dwarves and regular people should be able to walk hand in hand as equals. 130 00:07:23,930 --> 00:07:26,889 The Society Of People Of Short Stature wanted to... 131 00:07:26,890 --> 00:07:30,969 Yeah, no, this is really good, this sort of exposure for the society, 132 00:07:30,970 --> 00:07:35,489 and that's kind of what I can bring it, you know, with my profile, you know. 133 00:07:35,490 --> 00:07:38,889 Programmes like this'll be interested to see what it's like. 134 00:07:38,890 --> 00:07:42,129 Oh, here we are, here's Anthony, the shiny sod! 135 00:07:42,130 --> 00:07:44,369 Go on, get on with it! 136 00:07:44,370 --> 00:07:48,769 Homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays, 137 00:07:48,770 --> 00:07:52,369 and yet words like midget are still being commonly used. 138 00:07:52,370 --> 00:07:54,049 So, what is to be done? 139 00:07:54,050 --> 00:07:56,209 Basically, like other minority groups, 140 00:07:56,210 --> 00:08:02,049 we feel we should be able to expect equality and dignity in public and in the workplace. 141 00:08:02,050 --> 00:08:06,169 Most of the jobs in the entertainment industry for little people are not dignified. 142 00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:11,769 Why can't a little person be playing Othello or Hamlet or any of the great roles? 143 00:08:11,770 --> 00:08:14,449 Height should simply not be an issue. 144 00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:17,809 It should simply come down to, "Can they act?" 145 00:08:17,810 --> 00:08:21,329 Anthony Braden from the Society Of People Of Short Stature... 146 00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:24,009 That's... that's ridiculous. 147 00:08:24,010 --> 00:08:30,649 They've just cut me out. That's... that's embarrassing. 148 00:08:30,650 --> 00:08:33,249 For them. 149 00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:37,089 I feel like phoning up the head of the BBC and going, "All right? 150 00:08:37,090 --> 00:08:41,449 "It's Warwick Davis here." "All right, how are you doing? Thought you'd be in Hollywood." 151 00:08:41,450 --> 00:08:44,729 "No, no, took the day off." "What have you been doing, chilling out? 152 00:08:44,730 --> 00:08:47,929 "No, spent the day helping one of your producers do a news report." 153 00:08:47,930 --> 00:08:51,729 "That'll get the ratings in." "No, it won't, cos they cut me out." "Did they?" 154 00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:55,969 "Yeah, they just left in some totally boring un-famous dwarf that no-one cares about. 155 00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,489 "Tell that producer I'll never work for him again." 156 00:08:58,490 --> 00:09:01,169 "Oh, don't worry, Warwick, he'll never work again." 157 00:09:01,170 --> 00:09:03,409 Yeah, I'm not going to do that, though. 158 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,570 I don't want to get the little prat fired. 159 00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:25,209 Hello. What's all this? We want to talk to you. 160 00:09:25,210 --> 00:09:30,409 Ah, have you made an appointment cos, er, I've got a lot of meetings this afternoon, haven't I? 161 00:09:30,410 --> 00:09:32,209 Mm, no, you haven't. 162 00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:35,489 Are you sure? Just check again. 163 00:09:35,490 --> 00:09:39,369 No, definitely not. You've got nothing. Nothing's going on. 164 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,570 Phone hasn't rung for weeks. 165 00:09:42,690 --> 00:09:44,169 Thanks for your help. 166 00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:46,849 Seems like I can squeeze you in. 167 00:09:46,850 --> 00:09:50,769 We saw Anthony on the news last night. He made some interesting points. 168 00:09:50,770 --> 00:09:55,529 I made some as well, but they cut me out. We're worried there's a conflict of interest. 169 00:09:55,530 --> 00:10:01,569 When the phone rings, we don't know if you're representing us or taking the best roles. He's not. 170 00:10:01,570 --> 00:10:04,409 The phone never rings. Yes, it does. 171 00:10:04,410 --> 00:10:10,369 And I always talk you guys up, but if a producer calls up and says, "I want to book Warwick Davis," 172 00:10:10,370 --> 00:10:15,049 I can't go, "Oh, no you don't want him, you want some nobody you've never heard of," can I? 173 00:10:15,050 --> 00:10:20,129 I assume you're not putting that on a press release. Definitely not. Not putting out press releases. 174 00:10:20,130 --> 00:10:23,649 Well, shouldn't you be, to publicise us? I've got the website. 175 00:10:23,650 --> 00:10:27,489 Yeah, but that's a website for you. There should be a Dwarves For Hire website, 176 00:10:27,490 --> 00:10:30,529 with our CVs on there and our show reels. Who's paying for this? 177 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:36,049 You! We want to show people we can play Othello or Hamlet or any other role a regular size person can play. 178 00:10:36,050 --> 00:10:41,450 Like Anthony said on the news, height shouldn't be an issue, it should come down to, "Can they act?" 179 00:10:44,050 --> 00:10:45,929 'The truth is they can't act.' 180 00:10:45,930 --> 00:10:49,289 There's a reason they're bowling balls or being fired from cannons, 181 00:10:49,290 --> 00:10:51,090 it's cos that's all they're good at. 182 00:10:51,091 --> 00:10:53,689 'Look at Bernard, he's useless. 183 00:10:53,690 --> 00:10:55,809 'I don't know what else he could do in life. 184 00:10:55,810 --> 00:10:57,849 'He certainly can't act. 185 00:10:57,850 --> 00:11:02,489 'I told him, "You want to volunteer for medical experiments, you'll make more money that way."' 186 00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:06,569 They pump you full of drugs and prod you around. What's the worst that could happen? 187 00:11:06,570 --> 00:11:09,929 Even if he ends up deformed or deaf and dumb or loses the use of his legs, 188 00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,770 he'd be no worse off than he is now, and he'd have money! 189 00:11:14,890 --> 00:11:18,449 'They come to me because I'm sort of their guardian angel. 190 00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:21,449 'I care for them, I protect them, I nurture them. 191 00:11:21,450 --> 00:11:25,129 'If they want to be taken seriously, then it's my duty to help.' 192 00:11:25,130 --> 00:11:27,170 I'll make them a show reel. 193 00:11:30,130 --> 00:11:33,849 I just hope they can keep the costs down, cos it is a total waste of money, 194 00:11:33,850 --> 00:11:37,330 and I don't mind giving them false hope, but not at my expense. 195 00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,169 Action. 196 00:11:40,170 --> 00:11:42,130 My name is Maximus Decidimus Sorus, 197 00:11:42,131 --> 00:11:45,929 Emperor of the armies and legions, servants of the, er... 198 00:11:45,930 --> 00:11:47,849 Don't look at me. Just keep... 199 00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:50,929 Servants of the Emperor, Marcus Aurelius. 200 00:11:50,930 --> 00:11:52,089 Yeah. Blink. 201 00:11:52,090 --> 00:11:54,930 I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. 202 00:11:57,010 --> 00:12:00,969 Er, er, oh! 203 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:05,409 This isn't showing you acting, you're hanging there moaning. Think of something to say. 204 00:12:05,410 --> 00:12:07,490 This is bloody horrible. 205 00:12:09,450 --> 00:12:12,289 This is not a good Friday. 206 00:12:12,290 --> 00:12:16,049 Yeah, brilliant. Costing me five grand, this is. 207 00:12:16,050 --> 00:12:18,410 OK, Brokeback Mountain, take one. 208 00:12:19,450 --> 00:12:21,889 Oh, yeah, I love you. 209 00:12:21,890 --> 00:12:24,329 Oh! Don't tell me wife. 210 00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:26,129 Don't disturb the horses. 211 00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:30,409 Yeah. Hey, where did you get this tent from? Millets. 212 00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:32,929 No-one wants to see that. 213 00:12:32,930 --> 00:12:36,889 I didn't even like seeing the real two do it in the film, and they were lookers. 214 00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,089 Look at that. 215 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:39,209 I'm gay. 216 00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:40,769 Oh! Me, too. 217 00:12:40,770 --> 00:12:43,169 Aye, definitely gay. 218 00:12:43,170 --> 00:12:46,809 Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant have sent a quote through for me. 219 00:12:46,810 --> 00:12:50,449 They've made sure I get the wording exactly right. Um... I understand why. 220 00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:55,849 Their reputation is everything, um, which is why when they endorse you, it means something. 221 00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,449 Here it is. 222 00:12:57,450 --> 00:13:02,249 "We've worked with some of the greatest actors on the planet and Warwick Davis." 223 00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:05,249 Not bad, is it? Thank you, gentleman, for that. 224 00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:06,809 Some more good news. 225 00:13:06,810 --> 00:13:09,129 Finally, the fans have begun to find my website 226 00:13:09,130 --> 00:13:13,049 and some of them have been leaving lovely comments, haven't they? 227 00:13:13,050 --> 00:13:14,890 Cheryl, do you want to read some out? 228 00:13:14,891 --> 00:13:16,569 No, not really. 229 00:13:16,570 --> 00:13:18,249 No, I'm saying, "Read some out." 230 00:13:18,250 --> 00:13:19,369 Oh, OK. 231 00:13:19,370 --> 00:13:22,849 This one's from the Prince of Darkness. 232 00:13:22,850 --> 00:13:25,169 All right, what does the Prince say? 233 00:13:25,170 --> 00:13:29,249 "Yay, Warwick's website." Great, thank you, Prince of Darkness. Any more? 234 00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:32,649 This one's from Nigel Perkins. Where do they get these names from? 235 00:13:32,650 --> 00:13:37,089 Nutty, some of my fans, so... Hello, Nigel. What does he say? 236 00:13:37,090 --> 00:13:38,489 "Well done." 237 00:13:38,490 --> 00:13:43,209 Great, Nigel likes it. That's good. Um, cool. Any... anything else? 238 00:13:43,210 --> 00:13:45,569 Cyber Slayer. Cyber Slayer! It's a cool name. 239 00:13:45,570 --> 00:13:50,769 Great. He says, "Awful, you are rubbish, you are not an actor, you just dress up. 240 00:13:50,770 --> 00:13:53,929 "We didn't even see your face in those films. 241 00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:57,929 "That is not acting. You're not even a proper dwarf. 242 00:13:57,930 --> 00:13:59,770 "Your arms are wrong." 243 00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:02,729 Don't even know what that means. 244 00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:07,290 "You're a disgusting little creature and I want to squash you." 245 00:14:08,610 --> 00:14:09,929 Is that it? 246 00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,449 No. 247 00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:13,209 All right, what else? 248 00:14:13,210 --> 00:14:14,849 "Fuck off." 249 00:14:14,850 --> 00:14:18,969 Cyber Slayer. Ah, yeah, and that's not your real name. 250 00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:24,689 Um, you're a coward, hiding behind a crappy little stupid name. 251 00:14:24,690 --> 00:14:28,529 You're a waste of time, really, um, a moron. 252 00:14:28,530 --> 00:14:31,409 Yeah, I, I don't know who you are. Nobody knows who you are. 253 00:14:31,410 --> 00:14:33,929 You know, you've never been in any films or on the TV. 254 00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:36,689 You... you're... you're nobody. You're not famous. 255 00:14:36,690 --> 00:14:39,529 How do you know he isn't famous? He isn't famous! 256 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:43,409 Which famous person would go online and slag me off? Simon Cowell. 257 00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:45,769 Well, why? He says what he thinks. 258 00:14:45,770 --> 00:14:49,769 Well, why would he think that? Maybe he doesn't like looking at weird stuff. 259 00:14:49,770 --> 00:14:55,290 He worked with Susan Boyle and Jedward, and Louis Walsh. 260 00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:08,049 Excuse me. I'm here to pick up a dwarf. 261 00:15:08,050 --> 00:15:10,289 Oh, yeah, er, drunk and disorderly, 262 00:15:10,290 --> 00:15:14,689 and riding a children's tricycle down a dual carriageway. 263 00:15:14,690 --> 00:15:18,049 Right, um, are you going to press charges? 264 00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:21,009 Not if you're happy to take him into your custody. 265 00:15:21,010 --> 00:15:22,609 Yeah, OK, whatever. 266 00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:25,689 Let's have him. 267 00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:29,210 As soon as they even think they're in a film they go and get wasted. 268 00:15:30,770 --> 00:15:33,689 My name is Maximum Minimus, 269 00:15:33,690 --> 00:15:38,809 and I'll have my end away with your wife, or the next... 270 00:15:38,810 --> 00:15:40,489 We had to confiscate his sword. 271 00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:43,810 I've got my own sword. My pork sword. 272 00:15:46,490 --> 00:15:47,969 Ha! 273 00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:49,610 Oh! 274 00:15:52,210 --> 00:15:54,650 He's thrown up over his own penis. 275 00:15:56,850 --> 00:15:59,809 You're not getting in my car smelling like that. 276 00:15:59,810 --> 00:16:02,569 Don't need to. I've got my bike. 277 00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:05,529 No, Pete, you can't go on the bike, not again. 278 00:16:05,530 --> 00:16:07,889 No, whoa, stop! 279 00:16:07,890 --> 00:16:09,729 Pete, stop! 280 00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:15,049 Oh! Don't go on the dual carriageway, take the back roads. What is he..? 281 00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:20,009 Oh! How long is that going to take him to get home? 282 00:16:21,530 --> 00:16:22,690 Oh, now he's off. 283 00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:28,570 Look, he's just flailing like a dung beetle. 284 00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:34,969 Oh, it's pathetic. 285 00:16:34,970 --> 00:16:39,249 Thought of the day, um, let's stay out of the Middle East, 286 00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:44,289 let them blow themselves up and then just walk in and take the oil. 287 00:16:44,290 --> 00:16:47,809 Next, women I'd like to meet. 288 00:16:47,810 --> 00:16:52,289 Dame Judi Dench and Shakira for completely different reasons. 289 00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:57,689 So, I posted that up and our friend Cyber Slayer has been back on 290 00:16:57,690 --> 00:17:00,129 and he posted this comment. 291 00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:02,649 "You'd never get off with a bird like Shakira, 292 00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:05,729 "she'd take one look at you, gob in your ugly face and run a mile. 293 00:17:05,730 --> 00:17:10,089 "I could get off with her because I do get off with birds as good as her all the time, anyway." 294 00:17:10,090 --> 00:17:14,169 Pathetic. And he's a coward, cos he wouldn't say that to my face. 295 00:17:14,170 --> 00:17:17,649 I'm going to prove that because I've tracked him down. 296 00:17:17,650 --> 00:17:21,329 Cheryl here has been doing a bit of detective work, haven't you? 297 00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:25,369 From his user name, I found his YouTube channel 298 00:17:25,370 --> 00:17:30,969 and from his YouTube channel, it was linked to his MySpace page. 299 00:17:30,970 --> 00:17:34,329 Yeah, yeah, OK. It's taking longer than an episode of Columbo. 300 00:17:34,330 --> 00:17:36,569 Um, point is we found out he's 16 years old, 301 00:17:36,570 --> 00:17:40,169 so there's no way he's getting off with better-looking birds than Shakira. 302 00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:43,209 I've got his real name, I've got the name of his posh school, 303 00:17:43,210 --> 00:17:47,129 so I'm going to pay the Cyber Slayer a little visit. 304 00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:48,930 And I'm going to destroy him. 305 00:18:13,210 --> 00:18:17,849 Sorry, can I help you? Yes, I want to read you something, if that's OK. 306 00:18:17,850 --> 00:18:22,769 This was posted on my YouTube channel by a pupil in your class. 307 00:18:22,770 --> 00:18:27,649 "You ugly little troll. I want to tie you up and beat you." 308 00:18:27,650 --> 00:18:31,969 Quiet! Now, I don't know why he's got such a fascination with me. 309 00:18:31,970 --> 00:18:33,970 Clearly has a fetish for dwarves. 310 00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:41,009 Wants to tie me up, does he? Mm, sounds a bit gay! 311 00:18:41,010 --> 00:18:43,930 Maybe he's in love with me. A gay dwarf fetish! 312 00:18:45,370 --> 00:18:47,330 His name is Justin Palmer. 313 00:18:48,930 --> 00:18:51,769 Justin Palmer, come up here. 314 00:19:05,890 --> 00:19:07,609 Justin, did you write these? 315 00:19:07,610 --> 00:19:11,649 And tell me the truth. Did you bully this man online? 316 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:12,849 Yes. 317 00:19:12,850 --> 00:19:16,209 What do you have to say for yourself? 318 00:19:16,210 --> 00:19:18,729 Sorry. Don't say sorry to me, say sorry to him. 319 00:19:18,730 --> 00:19:21,649 It's fine, really, it doesn't matter. No, it's not fine. 320 00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:24,529 Apologise, please, to the gentleman that you've bullied. 321 00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:27,289 Wasn't actually bullying, as such. Sorry. 322 00:19:27,290 --> 00:19:28,969 Thanks. 323 00:19:28,970 --> 00:19:31,210 Good. Now go back to your desk. 324 00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:35,050 You haven't heard the last of this. See me afterwards. 325 00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:39,369 Gay! OK, sssh! 326 00:19:39,370 --> 00:19:41,449 Bum chum! 327 00:19:44,890 --> 00:19:45,970 Bender! 328 00:19:48,090 --> 00:19:51,049 'It's water under the bridge. Um, it's all sorted now.' 329 00:19:51,050 --> 00:19:56,609 Um, I hadn't realised that he was... He'll be fine though, so... 330 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,410 Did you destroy him? 331 00:20:13,410 --> 00:20:15,729 Destroy is such an awful term. 332 00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:17,289 Any messages? 333 00:20:17,290 --> 00:20:21,729 Yes, a woman called, she'd seen the Dwarves For Hire website. 334 00:20:21,730 --> 00:20:22,849 Oh, yeah? 335 00:20:22,850 --> 00:20:27,089 She said they need a dwarf actor urgently for a week's filming 336 00:20:27,090 --> 00:20:29,809 on a movie with Helena Bonham Carter. 337 00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:33,329 Really? What's... Where is it? 338 00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:34,649 Great! 339 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:37,329 Shall I use one of those dwarves that complains 340 00:20:37,330 --> 00:20:40,249 that you always take the best action jobs for yourself? 341 00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:44,129 No. No, I'll... I'll do this job. They said they needed Warwick Davis, so... 342 00:20:44,130 --> 00:20:46,490 They didn't specify, we can give it to who we want. 343 00:20:46,491 --> 00:20:51,289 I know, but if a director says he needs a dwarf to act opposite Helena Bonham Carter, 344 00:20:51,290 --> 00:20:55,769 then I have a responsibility to all my clients to take that role, you know, cos, you know, 345 00:20:55,770 --> 00:20:58,769 if I give them any old dwarf, you know, it'll be like, 346 00:20:58,770 --> 00:21:01,689 "Oh, this dwarf can't act, I'll never use a dwarf again," 347 00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:05,009 whereas if I do it, he'll be like, "Wow, Warwick Davis is brilliant. 348 00:21:05,010 --> 00:21:09,529 "If this is what all dwarf actors are like, I'm going to sprinkle this place with dwarves." 349 00:21:09,530 --> 00:21:13,449 So, yeah, call 'em back, tell 'em they've got their dwarf. 350 00:21:13,450 --> 00:21:14,769 Good. 351 00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:19,209 Huge honour for me to be in a scene with Helena Bonham Carter. 352 00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:21,849 Um, you know, a big thrill. 353 00:21:21,850 --> 00:21:25,009 And she's a wonderful actress, you know, very talented, 354 00:21:25,010 --> 00:21:28,249 is Oscar-nominated, and with her in a film, 355 00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:31,609 it's going to get a lot of attention, which will put me back on the map. 356 00:21:31,610 --> 00:21:35,490 So... So, yeah, it's a big opportunity for me. I'm very excited. 357 00:21:41,170 --> 00:21:42,209 Stand by. 358 00:21:42,210 --> 00:21:44,530 Action. 359 00:21:45,650 --> 00:21:49,609 Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father. 360 00:21:49,610 --> 00:21:53,289 While he's away fighting for Her Majesty, you're to be the man of the house. 361 00:21:53,290 --> 00:21:56,369 Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. 362 00:21:56,370 --> 00:21:59,489 One more time. Shall I give you the line, then you just do it? 363 00:21:59,490 --> 00:22:01,369 Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. 364 00:22:01,370 --> 00:22:04,289 Fear is what makes you a man. 365 00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:06,529 You cannot have courage without fear. 366 00:22:06,530 --> 00:22:09,449 Brilliant, Danny. One more time, even more scared. 367 00:22:09,450 --> 00:22:12,849 Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. 368 00:22:12,850 --> 00:22:14,688 Yes, but fear's what makes you a man. 369 00:22:14,689 --> 00:22:16,610 You cannot have courage without fear. 370 00:22:16,611 --> 00:22:18,369 And cut. Check the gate. 371 00:22:18,370 --> 00:22:20,809 That was lovely. You worked so... 372 00:22:20,810 --> 00:22:22,529 Beautiful. Cut there. 373 00:22:22,530 --> 00:22:25,009 OK, we'll see you tomorrow. 374 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,889 Really good. 375 00:22:27,890 --> 00:22:32,009 Can we turn round on Helena and find me Danny's stand-in. Yes, OK. 376 00:22:32,010 --> 00:22:33,810 I'm a stand-in for a child. 377 00:22:35,690 --> 00:22:39,609 Yeah, kids can only work a certain number of hours on a film, 378 00:22:39,610 --> 00:22:44,689 so if they're going to shoot from behind the kid's head, they'll often use dwarves. 379 00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:47,289 So that means I'm not even going to be in the film. 380 00:22:47,290 --> 00:22:52,129 I'm just here so Helen Bonham Carter's got someone to look at. 381 00:22:52,130 --> 00:22:54,449 Could have used any old dwarf. 382 00:22:54,450 --> 00:22:56,249 And action. 383 00:22:56,250 --> 00:23:01,129 Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father. 384 00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:03,489 While he's away, fighting for Her Majesty, 385 00:23:03,490 --> 00:23:05,969 you're to be the man of the house. 386 00:23:05,970 --> 00:23:10,129 Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. Yes, but fear's what makes you a man. 387 00:23:10,130 --> 00:23:13,729 You cannot have courage without fear. I want you to remember that. 388 00:23:13,730 --> 00:23:16,210 Then I must be a brave man, for all I feel is fear... 389 00:23:16,211 --> 00:23:18,769 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't... 390 00:23:18,770 --> 00:23:21,609 Cut, cut. What's the problem? Yeah, I'm... 391 00:23:21,610 --> 00:23:26,369 What? No, it's just like, it's just really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks. 392 00:23:26,370 --> 00:23:31,049 I mean, it's a bit weird, I mean, the... the legs don't move the same as Danny's. 393 00:23:31,050 --> 00:23:34,209 Yeah, OK, yeah. Yeah, and I can't have its face staring at me. 394 00:23:34,210 --> 00:23:36,409 It? Can we lose the face? 395 00:23:36,410 --> 00:23:41,009 What d'you mean, lose the face? Can we cover up the face? Does he even need to be there at all? 396 00:23:41,010 --> 00:23:43,049 I mean, anything else would do. 397 00:23:43,050 --> 00:23:45,769 How about a block of wood? Block of wood would be great. 398 00:23:45,770 --> 00:23:49,529 Block of wood, please. What about a bin? Yeah, a bin would be fine. Oh, yeah! 399 00:23:49,530 --> 00:23:53,729 Paint a face on it so I've got something to focus on. Face, please, face on the bin. 400 00:23:53,730 --> 00:23:57,649 OK. Thanks. Come on, come on. All right. 401 00:23:57,650 --> 00:23:59,769 OK. Great, yeah, that's perfect. 402 00:23:59,770 --> 00:24:02,849 Do you still need the lines? Yeah, yeah, get him to do the lines. 403 00:24:02,850 --> 00:24:04,689 OK. Thanks, Nobs. Yeah. 404 00:24:04,690 --> 00:24:06,849 OK, thank you, just the lines. OK. 405 00:24:06,850 --> 00:24:08,809 Right, let's go. 406 00:24:08,810 --> 00:24:09,969 And action. 407 00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:13,729 Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father. 408 00:24:13,730 --> 00:24:16,129 While he's away fighting for Her Majesty, 409 00:24:16,130 --> 00:24:19,569 you're to be the man of the house. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. 410 00:24:19,570 --> 00:24:20,850 I'm sorry. Cut, cut. 411 00:24:20,851 --> 00:24:22,369 What's the problem? 412 00:24:22,370 --> 00:24:26,929 He's sneaking around back there, I don't know what he's doing. He could be weeing or anything. 413 00:24:26,930 --> 00:24:28,449 What? What are you doing? 414 00:24:28,450 --> 00:24:31,049 Tell you what, why don't we put him in the bin? 415 00:24:31,050 --> 00:24:34,529 Yeah, might be better. OK, let's put the midget in the bin. 416 00:24:34,530 --> 00:24:36,450 Hang on! No, I'm not going in the bin. 417 00:24:36,451 --> 00:24:38,809 Have you got a problem? It's ridiculous. Really? 418 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,369 Well... 419 00:24:40,370 --> 00:24:41,810 You want to get paid? 420 00:24:43,450 --> 00:24:45,490 OK, let's go again. Stand by. 421 00:24:47,370 --> 00:24:49,529 And we're rolling. Action. 422 00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:51,408 Now, I want you to be a brave young man. 423 00:24:51,409 --> 00:24:53,690 While your father's away fighting for Her Majesty, 424 00:24:53,691 --> 00:24:55,969 you are going to be the man of the house. 425 00:24:55,970 --> 00:24:58,329 Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. Yes, but fear... 426 00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:02,369 I'm sorry! Cut. What? 427 00:25:02,370 --> 00:25:04,330 Helena? No, I can't do it like that. 428 00:25:04,331 --> 00:25:07,569 That's really bad, bad acting. It's horrible. 429 00:25:07,570 --> 00:25:12,129 Look, I'm not even looking at him and it's still really... I can't. 430 00:25:12,130 --> 00:25:15,529 All right, no, I've got an idea, I've got an idea, I've got an idea. 431 00:25:15,530 --> 00:25:20,689 Nobby, thought you might help. He'll be fine. You do the line. Yeah, thanks. Why Nobby now? 432 00:25:20,690 --> 00:25:21,809 Nobs, thanks. 433 00:25:21,810 --> 00:25:25,689 OK, why don't you just read Miss Fairfax, that's all I need, just read it, OK? 434 00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:28,529 Stand by. Do I need to stay? 435 00:25:28,530 --> 00:25:29,729 Rolling. 436 00:25:29,730 --> 00:25:32,609 OK, ready, and action. 437 00:25:32,610 --> 00:25:34,890 I want you to be a brave young man for your father. 438 00:25:34,891 --> 00:25:38,289 While he's away, fighting for Her Majesty, you're the man of the house. 439 00:25:38,290 --> 00:25:40,929 Miss, Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. 440 00:25:40,930 --> 00:25:41,969 I'm sorry. 441 00:25:41,970 --> 00:25:44,289 Ah, cut, cut, cut! No... I... He's peering... 442 00:25:44,290 --> 00:25:46,690 He's staring at me while I'm doing the scene. Oh! 443 00:25:46,691 --> 00:25:50,009 He must be putting Nobby off. It is a bit, yeah. Yeah, and I'm... 444 00:25:50,010 --> 00:25:54,129 Don't worry, Nobs, we'll get another go. Don't worry. He's just, um... Yeah. I know. 445 00:25:54,130 --> 00:25:57,369 And he smells. They all smell. I think you'll find it's the bin! 446 00:25:57,370 --> 00:26:00,969 No, no, it's... Excuse me. I'll do it. I think I've had enough. OK. 447 00:26:00,970 --> 00:26:04,329 And I know what I can take. We'll get rid of him, we'll get rid of him. 448 00:26:04,330 --> 00:26:07,569 And I'm just on the brink. We'll do a separate shoot. 449 00:26:07,570 --> 00:26:10,689 Yeah. Without the, er... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 450 00:26:10,690 --> 00:26:14,009 OK. Oh, shit, I'm sorry. It's OK. 451 00:26:14,010 --> 00:26:16,010 OK, that's lunch, folks. Back at two. 452 00:26:24,210 --> 00:26:26,289 Excuse me. Sorry? 453 00:26:26,290 --> 00:26:28,130 Excuse me. 454 00:26:30,170 --> 00:26:31,610 Right. 455 00:26:34,410 --> 00:26:37,129 "Do you want to do a day's filming with Helena Bonham Carter 456 00:26:37,130 --> 00:26:41,849 "for shit money while a fat bloke with a beard does your lines for you, cos you're so crap at acting?!" 457 00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:43,049 'Crap? 458 00:26:43,050 --> 00:26:47,169 'Like you're going to get my best acting from inside a bin!' 459 00:26:47,170 --> 00:26:51,689 If you want me in a bin, you're not getting my best acting as well. It's one or the other. 460 00:26:51,690 --> 00:26:55,249 Do you want best acting, or do you want me in a bin? You decide. 461 00:26:55,250 --> 00:26:59,089 Fine. So it's, er, lunch. 462 00:26:59,090 --> 00:27:02,290 Thanks for your help. 463 00:27:05,530 --> 00:27:08,529 We're in LA Thursday, if you want to do dinner. Sounds great. 464 00:27:08,530 --> 00:27:10,569 Maybe I should be in the chairman's chair. 465 00:27:10,570 --> 00:27:12,448 Maybe there are testicles down there. 466 00:27:12,449 --> 00:27:13,730 I haven't got testicles. 467 00:27:13,731 --> 00:27:16,009 This is the amount we've arrived at. 468 00:27:16,010 --> 00:27:18,689 Oh, the fucking solicitor! 469 00:27:18,690 --> 00:27:21,529 It was the wrong time for comedy, I know that now. 470 00:27:23,530 --> 00:27:25,489 Oh, that is so going on YouTube! 471 00:27:25,490 --> 00:27:27,729 You still want to do dinner? Er, no. 472 00:27:27,730 --> 00:27:29,410 Be awkward, wouldn't it? 473 00:27:32,570 --> 00:27:35,689 This is bloody horrible. You're making a big mistake. 474 00:27:35,690 --> 00:27:37,889 You should not have crucified me. 475 00:27:37,890 --> 00:27:41,049 I ask you, would you use him? 476 00:27:41,050 --> 00:27:43,689 If I ever wrote The Passion Of The Dwarf, maybe. 477 00:27:43,690 --> 00:27:46,129 You think that's inappropriate, look at this. 478 00:27:46,130 --> 00:27:50,889 I like men who give me pleasure, and he gave me a lot of pleasure. 479 00:27:50,890 --> 00:27:53,089 You ever fucked on cocaine? 480 00:27:53,090 --> 00:27:57,169 Whoa! Oh, that's going to do her no good at all. 481 00:27:57,170 --> 00:28:00,090 Yeah, I wanted to cut it. Or at least give it a quick trim! 482 00:28:00,115 --> 00:28:05,415 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells