1
00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:07,799
My name is Warwick Davis.
I'm an actor...
2
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,879
Yeah, evil toilet dwarf.
'..soon to be divorced.'
3
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:14,359
You don't live here any more.
Still my house.
'I'm an entrepreneur.'
4
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:17,639
Give me five grand, just to live on.
'And I've got a massive tax bill.'
5
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:20,840
You should do any shit job that
comes along, or you will go to jail.
6
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:36,599
I am on my way to see a man
who's very important to me.
7
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:40,639
His name is Bryan,
and he's my spiritual counsellor,
and life coach.
8
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,919
And he phoned me and he said,
"Warwick, with everything
that's going on at the minute,
9
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,199
"have you been neglecting
your spiritual life?" And I said,
"Yes, I have."
10
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,199
And he said, "I knew that."
11
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,200
And he was totally right, as always.
12
00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,439
Oh, hello. Well, well, well,
long time no see! Yeah.
13
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,399
Brenda, two teas, please.
14
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,079
Hey, come on. Oi, you two.
15
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,199
Hey, Ying and Yang.
16
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,599
'Bryan is my...
17
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,839
'what he calls psychic housekeeper.'
18
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:15,839
Sometimes I stand here and
I feel like I'm one of the plants,
and they're looking after me.
19
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:18,799
Do you know what I mean by that?
20
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:23,119
'He deals with all
the sort of spiritual clutter'
that accumulates inside me.
21
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,159
West, east.
22
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:25,879
'I told him about the divorce...'
23
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:30,119
East-Chinese food, healthy food,
tai chi, oxen.
24
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,119
'And straight away he said
I needed to go and see him...'
25
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:37,159
West. You know... McDonald's.
26
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,319
'Because he needs
to feng shui my soul.
27
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:42,319
'And you can't argue with that.'
28
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:46,119
I love the conservatory, it's great.
Hang on, hang on, who's that? Hello?
29
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,639
I think there's some...
30
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,559
Somebody's talking.
Yeah, what do you want?
31
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,399
Oh, they've come to say hello,
Warwick. Hello.
32
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,079
Hello? Yeah?
33
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,359
Do you know a John?
34
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,439
John?
35
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:04,839
No. No? You don't know a John?
You don't know any Johns? No.
OK, right, well, that's...
36
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,879
Everyone knows a John.
Do you know a Jonathan? Jonathan?
37
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:12,879
No. You don't know any Johns at all?
That's mad. That's never happened
before. Right. Any Js?
38
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:16,919
Any... Anyone beginning with J?
Anyone whose name starts with J?
Jack?
39
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,199
Jack? It's a Jack. Is it Jack?
40
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:24,239
Is it Joseph? Joseph? Do you know
a Joseph? Do you know anyone whose
name starts with J at all?
41
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,359
No? That's ridiculous.
OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
42
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:30,399
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah! Dave.
43
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,359
Someone called Dave.
You know a Dave? You know David?
44
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,959
Dave? You don't know
anyone called David?
45
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:40,799
I've heard of famous people
called David. Yeah, well, say yes,
then. Say yes.
46
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,799
Name a famous David. David Bowie.
47
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,759
David Bowie? Well, it's not him,
is it? Cos he's not dead.
48
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:49,759
Name any other David. Another
David. No, another name. Simon.
49
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,439
Simon. Simon.
WARWICK MOUTHS
50
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,759
Stuart.
51
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,479
Yeah... um... there was...
52
00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:00,919
er... a bloke who lived on the same
street as my mum and dad. He died.
His name was Stuart.
53
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,639
Right. How old was he again?
54
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,679
About 60. 60. Yeah, that's him.
55
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:10,639
Bang on. 60-year-old Stuart.
He's looking down on you and he's
saying, "Hello Warwick. Well done.
56
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:13,639
"You're doing really well,
you're doing great."
57
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,319
What was Stuart's surname?
Doesn't matter.
58
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:19,719
Can you ask him? I'm not going to
go round asking people their surname.
59
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,879
Why not? Because it's rude.
Can you not just accept who he is?
It's definitely him.
60
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,279
In fact, actually, hang on. What?
61
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,079
Yeah, he's confirming it,
so it's definitely him.
62
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:33,199
'Bryan's got the gift.
I mean, you saw in that reading
63
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,640
'how the first name he got'
64
00:03:34,641 --> 00:03:38,639
was an old guy I knew called Stuart.
Now, I don't remember him very well
65
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,839
so he couldn't
have been making it up.
66
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:45,799
Right, Stuart says you're worried
about something. Is that true? Yeah.
67
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:50,199
What are you worried about?
Does Stuart not know? Oh, for...!
Warwick, can you not...?
68
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:55,519
Sorry, Stuart.
No, I'm asking him, Stuart,
but Warwick's being a little...
69
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:59,759
Can you just say what
you're worried about? What is it?
I'm worried about my tax bill.
70
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,639
Yes, exactly.
That's what Stuart thought.
71
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,039
Stuart's saying,
"Don't worry about it."
72
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:09,399
Will I pay off my tax bills?
Yeah, course you will.
73
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,839
It's a lot of money.
74
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,759
BRYAN CHUCKLES
He knows that,
75
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:16,359
and he's having a laugh, and he's
saying, "You can't take it with you."
76
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,239
What, I can't take
the money or the debt with me?
77
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,119
Oh! He's saying,
"Don't worry about it, Warwick."
78
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,239
OK, what part of, "Don't worry
about it," do you not understand?
79
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,759
OK, can I just ask one more thing?
Should I declare myself bankrupt?
80
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,640
Right, he's saying, "Who am I?
Your fucking accountant?"
81
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:34,719
OK.
82
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:38,120
£60, please.
83
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:45,559
I'm wondering whether I should
explore a more formal religion.
84
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,919
I hear a lot of people talk about
having a relationship with God.
85
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:52,159
'Warwick can choose any god he likes,
and when he's chosen a god,'
86
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:56,759
I'll look after him while
he's alive and the god'll take over
when he's dead. It's teamwork.
87
00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:01,199
I have worked with loads
of gods in the past. You know,
all the main ones, smaller ones.
88
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,039
I've worked with gods
I've never even bloody heard of.
89
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,639
Good luck to him!
90
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,319
I will not work with the devil, OK?
91
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,479
That's the line I draw.
The furthest I go is a white witch.
92
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,879
Very happy to work
with a white witch.
93
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,119
And that's not a racial term, OK?
By white witch, I mean good witch.
94
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,039
I don't mean white, good, black
bad, cos I love black men...
95
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,199
People! I love black people.
96
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,279
Goodbye, Warwick. Goodbye.
97
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,799
Oh, Warwick, can I tell you this?
98
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,639
I see you being very happy very soon.
99
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,719
Yeah? Yeah. Someone new is
going to come into your life.
100
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:37,839
Your wife's gone, she's out
the picture. So you've got
to get back on the saddle.
101
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,199
You deserve to be one...
Oi, sailor boy, come on!
102
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,039
You deserv... Yes, in, don't cheek.
103
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,239
You deserve
to be one half of a whole,
104
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,799
and right now
you're just a little half.
105
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,679
You will meet someone.
106
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,319
Oi, I'm talking!
107
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:58,319
You will meet someone
if you go out and try to meet people.
108
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,799
Do you see? Yeah?
109
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:04,679
Interesting, very interesting,
very astute.
110
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:09,999
You know what Bryan's saying is,
I have to be pro-active,
like I am in business.
111
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,880
In business, I'm out there hustling.
112
00:06:11,881 --> 00:06:16,199
So why am I just sitting back
thinking my next lover's going
to walk through the door?
113
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,439
I've got to get out there.
114
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,240
You have to be in it to win it.
115
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:33,360
MURMURED CONVERSATION
She's nice.
116
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:40,639
Yeah, mine's not bad either.
Right, now play it cool, right?
117
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:44,879
I want you to go over there.
I want you to say,
"Can we join me for a drink?
118
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,679
"I should warn you, watch out for my
friend Warwick, cos he's a bad boy."
119
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,519
Why would I say that?
Because women love bastards.
120
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:57,040
You don't want to seem all sweet
and nice... that gets you nowhere.
Tell 'em someone bad, dangerous.
121
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,039
Is it OK if I just... sit down?
122
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:09,479
Yeah, sure. Cheers.
Yeah, I'm Eric. That's... um...
123
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,679
That's my friend Warwick over there.
124
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,199
I should warn you, though, he's bad.
125
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,959
He's what? He's bad, and dangerous.
126
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,320
What's so bad and dangerous
about him?
127
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,119
He's a rapist.
128
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:31,879
No! No, I'm a racist.
129
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,600
You're a racist?
130
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,279
I am a racist, yeah.
In the sense that,
131
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:44,359
if anything, I prefer you,
the darker lady, which,
which is unfair on you.
132
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:49,279
So, in a sense,
I'm racist cos... I'd do you,
133
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:54,720
and not you. I mean, if it came
to it, I'd probably do the both
of you but... um... but...
134
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,479
You go first.
135
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,360
Let's go. Yeah?
136
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,880
RELIGIOUS SINGING IN LATIN
137
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,799
The reason I'm here is
I'm currently exploring
138
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,159
sort of different avenues
of spirituality.
139
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,559
I have a few questions if that's OK.
140
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,999
Fine.
141
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,079
Before we start, I want to get
this out the way straight away.
142
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,919
It's a bit awkward, to be honest,
but I do need to ask.
143
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,080
Are you a paedophile?
144
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:38,879
No, I'm not.
145
00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:41,039
Great. Phew!
146
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:45,239
Lot of it about - you see
why I had to ask that one. So...
147
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,239
Catholicism. As I understand it,
you can just do whatever you want,
148
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:53,559
turn up on a Sunday, say you're
sorry and you go, "Well, forget it."
Something like that?
149
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:57,279
You're talking about confession?
Yes, yes.
150
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,839
This is not a licence
to break the Ten Commandments.
151
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,640
Yeah, I've been reading up on those.
152
00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:03,999
The first five are all about Him,
153
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:08,559
that's God, and then it kicks in
with what you shouldn't do.
154
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:12,759
I think there's murder,
covet thy neighbour's wife.
155
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,199
I mean, I wouldn't
covet my neighbour's wife,
you should see her!
156
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,519
I wouldn't touch her with yours.
157
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:22,719
Interestingly, though,
kiddie fiddling... it's not
mentioned in the Ten Commandments.
158
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,439
If I was making a list...
number one for me, right up there.
159
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,199
"Thou shalt not touch kids."
160
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,839
Not even mentioned.
161
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,759
Oooh. Lucky for you lot, eh?
162
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:36,919
No, I'm joking. You said you're
not and I believe you for now.
163
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:38,880
I like a lot of what you're saying.
164
00:09:38,881 --> 00:09:41,799
If I may take the old rule book,
have a flick through that,
165
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,759
and see if I like the sound of it.
166
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,199
Oh, one final question,
and this is a deal-breaker...
167
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,879
Do you approve of masturbation?
168
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,519
No.
169
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,600
I'm out.
170
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,120
HE WHISTLES
171
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,639
Excuse me, sir,
are you going to buy that mop?
172
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:32,599
No, I'm using it to help me shop.
You can't go round using a mop
unless you're going to buy it.
173
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,959
Why not? It's been used now,
we can't put that back on sale.
174
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:40,479
I haven't used it as a mop.
Put it back and get someone
to hand stuff down to you.
175
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,839
I'm not going to have
someone hand stuff to me!
176
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,879
I'm an independent person,
trying to shop independently.
177
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,039
Then you'll have to pay for that mop.
I'm not going to pay for it.
178
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:54,479
Then you're not going to use it any
more. So what am I supposed to do?
Buy a mop every time I go shopping?
179
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,120
No. Buy one mop, carry it with you.
180
00:10:56,121 --> 00:11:00,119
I've got to carry a mop
everywhere I go on the off chance
I might run out of Frosties?
181
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,919
It's store policy.
Well, it's ridiculous.
182
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,799
Oh! Sorry, that was ridiculous.
183
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,159
What, you saw that?
It was totally rude. I know.
184
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,799
You should complain.
I can be a witness or something.
185
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:16,679
Really? Yeah, yeah.
He was just being a jobsworth.
I know. I... Idiot. Thank you.
186
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:21,439
Um... sorry, could I just say...?
I am a big fan. Oh!
187
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:25,679
Of yours. I really love Willow.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Warwick. Caroline.
188
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:29,639
Hello. Cool. Um... Oh, could you
just pass me the tea bags actually?
189
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,279
Oh! I was just trying to get
those when you came along.
190
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:35,199
'You do not expect that,
do you, in a supermarket?
191
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:39,079
'You pop out for a few essentials,
you meet a lovely woman,
who's single,'
192
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,279
who also happens to be a fan.
193
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,439
Right, eight... 172.
194
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:47,359
'You get talking.
Before you know it,
you've swapped bloody phone numbers'
195
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,879
and I'm meeting her
for a drink on Friday.
196
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,119
Bryan said I'd meet someone.
197
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,719
Well, there you go.
198
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,599
Are these condoms all right for you?
Yeah.
199
00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:01,439
You sure they'll fit?
Cos it's one size fits all.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
200
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:06,679
Well, we've got to be careful
cos you could sue us. Barbara,
will these Johnnies fit a dwarf? Why?
201
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,679
I've got one here.
202
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,799
Depends on how big he is.
GIGGLING
203
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,720
Yeah, big enough, thank you.
204
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:19,599
No, they're not for you. I mean,
they could be, but what I mean is
they're for anyone so...
205
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,999
Not anyone! Obviously, you know
you'd be my first choice,
206
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,599
but I would never presume,
obviously,
that that was going to occur.
207
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:31,799
You've got to be careful.
It's better to be safe, cos there's
all sorts of diseases, aren't there?
208
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,239
Not that I've got unclean...
But I don't know about...
209
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,639
But no! That's what I'm saying.
210
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,239
You know, we all get stressed
about it and I'm...
211
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,879
Nobody should stress about this.
Just let's have fun.
You know what I mean?
212
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:47,399
So is it... is it on for Friday?
213
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,679
No? Right. Good.
I'll delete your phone number?
214
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,999
Yeah.
215
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,159
Thanks for that!
I don't need them now.
216
00:12:56,160 --> 00:13:01,039
I've already put them through.
Oh, brilliant. OK, just...
Thanks for all your help.
217
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,199
'She caught me buying condoms.
She's upset. Why is she upset?'
218
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,839
I was being responsible.
If we're getting intimate,
and I say, "I've got a sheaf here,"
219
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,959
she'll be like,
"Yeah, what a responsible
chap, let's get down to it."
220
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:17,119
But because it's out
in the open now, upfront,
it's suddenly embarrassing,
221
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,959
because a condom is for one
thing and one thing only
222
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,360
and everyone knows what
I'm going to do with that.
223
00:13:22,361 --> 00:13:23,919
I've bought some carrots here.
224
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:28,200
That could be to shove up my arse
but because no-one knows that,
it's not embarrassing.
225
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:36,800
The carrot is not
for shoving up my arse, let me make
that totally clear.
226
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,359
Yeah. Wow.
227
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,919
So this is Toby. Hello.
228
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:47,439
Who actually fixed me up with my
first wife, my only wife. Only wife.
229
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,159
Sue. I was busy at the time. Yeah.
230
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,879
Didn't have time to trawl round
for a wife so I came here.
231
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:58,759
Yeah, I was so proud of finding
Warwick a wife, cos, I mean,
when he first came in I was like,
232
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,159
"Right, here's a challenge, Toby."
All right. Yeah.
233
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,319
But it was about six months or so...
Sue popped up, didn't she?
234
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,879
Yeah. She was desperate as well.
And the rest is history.
235
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,399
Yes. Well, now I'm back again.
He's back.
236
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:18,519
For an upgrade! OK. Well, I popped
your details back into the system
237
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:23,199
and hit search, and there we go,
straight away, the perfect match.
That's Sue. Do you know her?
238
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,719
That's my ex-wife, Sue.
239
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,200
Oh, it is Sue, isn't it? Gosh!
240
00:14:26,201 --> 00:14:30,279
Sorry. At least it shows
the system works. Not really,
because we've split up.
241
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,719
That's the one person who's proven
not to be my perfect match.
242
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:37,679
Of all the women in the world,
that's the one I shouldn't
have been paired with.
243
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,999
To be honest,
it's a very, very old computer.
244
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,359
Why did it say "perfect match"?
Shortest person on the books.
245
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,959
Well, find the second shortest
person on the books.
246
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:51,199
I did. I did show the picture
and everything. She does not want
to go out with you. Oh, no! Why?
247
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:55,319
Too short, Warwick.
Way too short. Right.
248
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,319
OK. Let's have a look at some other
options. Er...
249
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:03,359
Oh, no way, no way! Um...
Keep going, keep going. No...
250
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,239
She's been on the system for years.
Hang on, go back.
251
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,319
Well, she's all right.
Yeah, you know, she's... Well...
252
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:13,279
She's a stunner, isn't she?
Well, exactly, so... What?
253
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:17,159
Just I've sent her a lot
of duffers recently and...
254
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,919
I just don't want her losing faith
in the system,
255
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,119
because you could be the straw that
breaks the camel's back. What?
256
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,559
If I send you round, she's going to
get straight on the phone to me,
257
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:30,639
"Why are you palming me off
with some midget?"
Don't say "midget", it's offensive.
258
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,199
Exactly! That's not me saying that,
it's her. Yeah.
259
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,319
If she's using language like that,
you shouldn't be with her.
I'm hanging up, mate.
260
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,159
Is there no-one else? Not really.
261
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,439
Um... Oh, she just came in.
262
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,159
Ah! Oh, yes, OK, brilliant.
She's all right, yeah.
263
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,799
Not bad, eh? Yeah,
she's perfect. She's called Amy.
264
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,839
Amy likes... Oh, she works
for the council. Not bad.
265
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,279
Likes the theatre, eating out with
friends, stuff like that. As do I.
266
00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:01,279
Yeah? Yeah, fix me up. All right,
let's get her back on. Great.
267
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,240
Amy!
268
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:10,280
GENERAL CHATTER
269
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:31,799
Warwick? Yeah? Hi, I'm Amy.
270
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:32,840
Hello.
271
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:42,479
Will you excuse me for a minute?
272
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,399
Come in. She's a dwarf!
She kept that quiet, didn't she?
273
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:49,679
Now look at that. See that?
There's no clue in that picture,
is there? Just a head.
274
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:53,399
It should be a full body shot,
with her stood next to a matchbox
or something.
275
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:57,919
You know, like when they
show how big a moth is.
But, no, no clue there.
276
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,799
Where's the arms?
277
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,360
Sneaky.
278
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,200
Sorry about that.
279
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,439
All right?
280
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,399
Yeah.
281
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,879
Just...
282
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,679
Did you know I was a little person,
from my picture?
283
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,679
Yes. You did? Yeah, because you could
see my head and full body, yes.
284
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:25,399
It's all about proportions, isn't
it? The old head-to-leg ratio.
285
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,959
There were no arms and legs in
your picture, so nothing to go by.
286
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,559
What do you mean?
287
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,679
Well, there was no mention
you were a little person.
288
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,359
Is that a problem?
289
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,599
No. Not a problem for me.
290
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:43,599
It's just... just seemed strange
of you to hide the fact.
291
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,359
I didn't hide it. No.
292
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:49,039
I just don't want everyone going,
"Ooh, she's a sneaky little one.
293
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,799
"Whenever she can,
she hides the fact she's a dwarf."
294
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,639
I wasn't hiding it. No.
295
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,280
Just a bit of a surprise,
that's all.
296
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,399
No more surprises in store, hmm?
297
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:07,399
You weren't born a man? No.
298
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:12,279
Don't want to get you back to my
place and suddenly in the throes of
passion, a bit of touchy-feely,
299
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:16,879
"What's going on down here, love?
Either you were born a man
or you've been shoplifting offal."
300
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:21,480
I don't think you should assume we're
going back to your place. No, sorry.
301
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:29,839
Although now you've been so adamant
that we're not going home together,
302
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,519
it makes me think maybe there
are testicles down there.
303
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:36,719
I haven't got testicles! No. Right.
And I have a witness to that, right?
304
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,799
So if I do get off with you,
and you do turn out to be a man,
305
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,160
no-one can go,
"I bet Warwick knew it was a man."
306
00:18:42,161 --> 00:18:46,039
I did not know it was a man, right?
Ad I'm not expecting testicles
down there.
307
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,359
SHE LAUGHS
What?
308
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,519
I can't believe
you've just said that!
309
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,759
Neither can I. I'm so nervous,
I'm all over the place.
310
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:57,679
We haven't even ordered yet
and we're already talking
about my testicles.
311
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,039
I... I don't know what to say. I
haven't done this for years. I'm...
312
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:05,359
I normally expect at least
a starter before I'm accused
of being a man. Yeah.
313
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,959
I bet this is the worst date
you've ever been on. No!
314
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,599
The worst date I've ever
been on was a blind date,
315
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:15,359
when I answered the door
and the guy said, "Euch, it's
a dwarf," and I said, "Yes, it is."
316
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:19,919
He panicked, saying stuff like,
"What can you eat?
What time do you have to be in bed?"
317
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:23,759
The final straw came when he looked
down at me and said, "Is this legal?"
318
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,439
And I said, "I don't know what this
is, but let's call it a night."
319
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,679
Got lovely eyes.
320
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,240
Oh, thanks.
321
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:39,759
MURMURED CONVERSATION
322
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:43,079
'I had a good time,
had a really good time.
323
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,639
'She's lovely, she's great.
324
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:49,359
'Started off a bit weird. Er...
325
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:54,319
'But, you know, the end of
the night was really lovely
and he's really funny.
326
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:58,159
'I've been out of the game a while,
but I think after a shaky start,
327
00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,919
'I'll weave my magic, you know.
328
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,000
'He's really cool.'
329
00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:03,279
Well, OK, not cool,
330
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,439
but... um... you know, I like him.
331
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:10,279
'I suppose if you've got it,
you've got it.
It's a bit like riding a bike.'
332
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:16,159
Not that Amy's a bike! Not that
I can ride a bike... I can't get
anywhere near the pedals.
333
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:20,759
But now you know me, anybody I know
is one degree. One degree from me.
334
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,079
I'd like to sees him again,
I'd like to hang out more.
335
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,440
MURMURED CONVERSATION
336
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,849
'My initial annoyance
when I first saw her was
337
00:20:38,850 --> 00:20:41,519
not that I didn't fancy
her, but, you know,'
338
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,719
I don't want people going, "Of
course he's going out with a dwarf."
339
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:48,519
No, not, "of course".
Yes, in this instance,
I'm going out with a little person,
340
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,439
but that could just as easily
have been a six-foot stunner.
341
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,839
You don't know. You know,
what I resent is people seeing us
342
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:59,639
walking down the street,
hand in hand, and going, "Oh, look,
that's all he could get."
343
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:04,360
It's not all I could get, but it's
what I'm happy with at the moment.
344
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:16,119
Scientology.
Thanks for seeing me by the way.
345
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,719
If I was to join your cult,
would I get...? We are not a cult.
346
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:24,359
We are a church. Same thing.
If I was to join, would I get to
meet Tom Cruise or John Travolta?
347
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:29,559
It's not something we arrange.
You've got a load of American stars.
You haven't got many British ones.
348
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:33,599
I know you were sniffing round
the Beckhams, but you don't want him
as a spokesman.
349
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:38,359
That squeaky little voice. And Posh
Spice, she's no advert for a cult.
350
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:42,839
You'd have trouble brainwashing
either of them, cos you need
a brain to be brainwashed!
351
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:47,719
We are not a cult, and we don't
brainwash people. "We are not a cult
and we don't brainwash people."
352
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,239
Do you have any more questions?
353
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,639
Yeah. This L Ron Hubbard fella,
he was the founder, wasn't he?
354
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,799
That's right.
What does the L stand for?
355
00:21:55,800 --> 00:22:00,119
Lafayette. You do definitely need
the L, because just Ron Hubbard...
356
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,919
I mean, who'd follow
a chap called Ron Hubbard?
357
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:07,959
Unless he was the captain of
your pub darts team, then maybe.
But, yeah, stick an L in front...
358
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,319
L Ron Hubbard.
"Ooh, what's the L stand for?
359
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,759
"Len? Larry?"
Do you have any more questions?
360
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,159
"Lionel?"
361
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,839
'I've looked into
a few different religions.'
362
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,679
Do you own this or is it rented?
363
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:24,079
I think I'm going to stay
what I was born, which is
sort of a vague bog standard C of E.
364
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:28,039
Cos you don't have to give anything
up, you can drink, smoke, fornicate,
365
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,519
do whatever you want,
and all you have to do is say,
366
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,839
"Yeah, I believe in God,"
and you get into heaven.
367
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,040
Suits me!
368
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,359
Here we go. Off on another date
with Amy tonight,
369
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:52,199
which is great. She's a lovely girl.
370
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,119
So, yeah, I'm very excited.
371
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,399
It's funny how things work out,
isn't it?
372
00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:02,159
Cos that first date started off
badly but here we are, round two,
so...
373
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:06,480
You know, very exciting.
374
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,440
Good evening, sir. Evening.
She's over there.
375
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,240
Thanks.
376
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:25,879
Sorry, what makes you think
I'm meeting that particular lady?
377
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,479
Sorry, sir, I just assumed
that because she's a... A dwarf.
378
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,719
A smaller lady... Why would
you assume I was meeting her?
379
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:38,199
We only have two women
waiting for dining companions, sir.
Who's the other lady that's waiting?
380
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,919
That woman there on the stool.
381
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,079
Oh! Tall, glamorous lady over there.
382
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,959
There's no way I could be
meeting her, is there?
383
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:50,719
You could be. I did just presume...
What if I just started snogging her?
What would happen?
384
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:54,799
She'd scream? No, not necessarily.
Could be lovers, you don't know.
385
00:23:54,800 --> 00:24:00,480
Shall we try it again? This time,
don't presume you know who
I'm meeting. OK.
386
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,199
Hello, sir. Hello.
I'm here to meet a woman. OK.
387
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:11,039
What is the choice of women I could
be meeting? We have two waiting.
Point them out and I'll tell you
388
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:15,359
which one I'm meeting.
There's no way you could know.
The tall lady... Don't mention size.
389
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,839
Or there's that lady
over there at the table.
390
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:21,639
Oh, yeah, there she is.
OK. So you are meeting her?
391
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:24,479
Yes. But do you see my point?
There's no way you could know.
392
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,319
I could have been meeting her.
There's always unlikely.
393
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,399
What? Nothing. Will you just
take your seat please, sir?
394
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,359
You don't think I could pull her,
do you?
395
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:37,279
She is very attractive. So?
I'm a good-looking bloke. Mmm.
What do you mean?
396
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:41,439
Objectively speaking,
of the people that come here,
would you say I'm good-looking?
397
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,599
Sir, it's not...
Would you say I'm good-looking? No.
398
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,879
Well, for a dwarf, then?
399
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:50,679
Average? Oh, come on! Are you
joking? Have you seen some dwarves?
400
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,959
Some of them are weird-looking,
they look like grubs.
401
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,919
You're telling me, if that
woman over there comes up to you
402
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,839
and says, "I'm looking for a man,"
you wouldn't fix me up? No.
403
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,319
Well, why not?
I'd assume she fancied me.
404
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,959
Why? If an attractive woman
comes up to me and says,
"I'm looking for man,"
405
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,879
my first words wouldn't be,
"There's a horny dwarf over there
who's up for it."
406
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,879
I'd say, "Let me buy you a drink."
407
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:16,559
I can't believe
you're worming in on my date now.
I'm not. She's not your date.
408
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,279
She is.
409
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,079
Yes. Thank you.
410
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:23,360
Thank you.
411
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:30,159
Hi. How's it going? Fine.
412
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,599
Was there a problem with
the maitre d'? No. Good.
413
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,879
Lovely to see you. Do you reckon I
could get off with that bird? What?
414
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,079
Do you think I could get off
with her?
415
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:42,639
The tall glamorous one? Why mention
she's tall? Height isn't an issue.
416
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:47,399
No reason why she wouldn't think,
"There's a good-looking fella.
Wouldn't mind a piece of that."
417
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,159
Do you think I'm good-looking? Yeah.
418
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,759
Not just for a dwarf? Generally?
Yes.
419
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,119
Doesn't count cos you're a dwarf.
420
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:59,560
What? Well, I mean your standards
are probably pretty low. What?!
421
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:07,120
She's looking over.
Right, just relax, just chill out.
422
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,879
If she does come over,
don't say you're my date, right?
423
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,200
Just say you're my sister.
424
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:39,479
Wow! Did you see that? Just...
Oh! Didn't quite manage it there.
425
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,199
Ooh! See?
426
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:45,639
Get this... get this cleared up, yes?
She's going! Bye. Hmm.
427
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,919
Oh! That'll hurt in the morning.
428
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,399
'Bryan was spot on
with the prediction he made,
429
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,079
'that I was going to meet
a lovely girl, go on a date.'
430
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:57,879
It's funny, though, isn't it?
He left out tiny details -
I don't know whether you noticed...
431
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:01,759
'the bit about me falling off
a chair and pulling
everything off the table,
432
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,799
'smashing glasses in front
of a restaurant full of people.'
433
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,759
And then the girl
I like walking off.
434
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,680
Didn't mention that, did he?
435
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,440
I'm going to bed.
436
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:23,199
Mr Daniel Radcliffe? Would you
like to come to a party? When is it?
437
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:27,959
It's this Saturday. Look at this,
it's only the beautiful Cat Deeley.
438
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,319
Fuck! How would you kill yourself?
439
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,239
Blow all my money on prossies,
then gun in my mouth. Classic.
440
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,879
Difficult for you to hang yourself.
You couldn't reach.
441
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,119
I feel a little bit... frisky.
442
00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:43,640
Are you and Cat Deeley an item?
You've rumbled us.
443
00:27:43,665 --> 00:27:47,865
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells
www.addic7ed.com
444
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,279
I was going to ask
you guys something. Mmm?
445
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,800
Do you think that new
jungle game show I did on Channel 5
was a mistake?
446
00:27:55,880 --> 00:28:00,159
Anyone else would say yes,
but it's not a mistake compared
with the rest of your career.
447
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,919
That's what I thought.
I thought, "This is a disgrace.
448
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:07,039
"But I am basically at rock bottom,
career-wise. Let's get the cock out."
449
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:08,600
Mmm.