1
00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:03,900
Britain, Britain. Britain.
2
00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:06,700
Land of tradition, fish and fries,
3
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:10,500
the changing of the garden,
trooping the coloureds.
4
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:14,800
But have you ever wondered
about the people of Britain? Nor have I.
5
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:19,800
But this show aims to find out
by following the lives of ordinary British folk.
6
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,800
What is them? Who do they? And why?
7
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:34,700
Have you ever done it gay-wise?
I have. It's a hoot.
8
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:41,100
It's late three and woolly woofter Daffyd Thomas
is popping into his local newsagents.
9
00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:44,100
- Hello, Mrs Llewellyn.
- Oh, hello, Daffyd.
10
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,700
What can I do you for today?
11
00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:51,000
A quarter of bonbons and a copy of "Gay Times".
It's my only outlet.
12
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,600
- Is it not on the rack, love?
- I couldn't see it.
13
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,900
- It must have gone, then.
- I'm sorry?
14
00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:58,900
I only get one in. Somebody must have bought it.
15
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:03,700
I don't think so. I think you'll find
I am the only gay in this village.
16
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:06,500
Somebody definitely bought it yesterday.
17
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:10,500
It's got Hazel Dean in it
and a very informative article on rimming.
18
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:17,200
- Who bought it?
- Do you know, I can't remember.
19
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,200
- Think.
- Well, now, em...
20
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:24,400
- Come on, woman!
- Let's think. Who came in yesterday?
21
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,900
- Dai Davis, the music master. He might have.
- He's not gay.
22
00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:31,700
He shares a cottage with the English master.
23
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:35,900
- They're just friends.
- No, he just bought "Vogue".
24
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:39,800
- See? He's not gay. Who else? Quickly!
- Father Hughes.
25
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:44,000
- A gay priest?! What planet are you on?
- I remember!
26
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:49,300
I was quite surprised, actually, because
I had absolutely no idea he liked cock.
27
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:54,200
- Who? Who?
- Well, I'd just popped next door for a bun...
28
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:58,000
- For the love of God, woman, tell me!
- Noel Jones.
29
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,600
- Who?
- The blacksmith.
30
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,400
Right!
31
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:09,400
- Hello, Daffyd!
- I'm commandeering this vehicle!
32
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:15,200
(MUSIC: MALE VOICE CHOIR
TO A DISCO BEAT)
33
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,300
This is my gay right!
34
00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:21,100
Right! I want a word with you!
35
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:25,600
What's this I've been hearing about...
36
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,500
Oh! Daffyd.
37
00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:32,300
Daffyd Thomas. You must be Noel.
38
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,900
No, I'm his brother, Rhys. Noel?
39
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,500
Well, I...
40
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:43,500
No, I left something in the oven.
41
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:51,300
It's late early evening and Lou is
taking his friend Andy out for dinner.
42
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:56,200
The table's booked for seven.
We'd better get you dressed then, hadn't we?
43
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,800
- Yeah.
- Now, what do you want to wear?
44
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,800
- Smurf.
- Smurf?
45
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:04,900
- You want to wear your Smurf outfit?
- Yeah.
46
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:12,300
It's quite a smart restaurant. I'm not really
sure a Smurf outfit is appropriate for there.
47
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:15,100
- Yeah, I know.
- So what do you wanna wear?
48
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:17,500
Smurf.
49
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:21,200
Mmm. This Chinese food is delicious.
50
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:26,400
I look a pillock.
51
00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:31,100
Do you do crisps?
52
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,400
Swimming pools in Britain
have very strict rules.
53
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:40,800
No bombing, no petting, no ducking
and no fondue parties.
54
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,800
Excuse me. Can I have a word?
55
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:59,900
I've just been speaking to a little girl
who says you pushed her in the pool. Did you?
56
00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:04,600
No but, yeah but, no, what happened was
you know the Redmond sisters?
57
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,200
They found a verruca sock, put it
in Carrie's bag and she had an eppy
58
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,700
and turned up to Kamal Sharma's party
with a compass and stabbed Kamal Sharma
59
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:16,100
and Shelley Bentley gave Craig Sherman a blowy
in the shallow end.
60
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:18,600
I asked if you pushed that girl in the pool.
61
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:23,400
No, I couldn't have done because I was with
Michaela who was crying. You know Dominic?
62
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:28,400
He was meeting her to go to third base but
lan Papworth, who I once got off with as a joke,
63
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:35,000
nicked a whole bottle of Dubonnet and hid it in
the woods, then threw it at a family of gypos.
64
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:39,200
- Did you push her in or not?
- No, because I would never do that.
65
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:43,900
Once I heard that a man pushed a man
and the man died. You can ask him yourself.
66
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:48,900
Johnno tripped up Dean Hurst and he got 300
stitches in his face and when his mum found out
67
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:52,300
she did her dirty business on his dad's Astra.
68
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:56,700
- Get out and go and get changed.
- I'm just going to have a wee first.
69
00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:59,100
Be quick.
70
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,600
Right. I'll go and get changed.
71
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:16,500
Don't go giving me evils! Bitch!
72
00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:20,000
- (WHISTLE)
- Oh, shut up!
73
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:25,700
At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange,
the boys are preparing to take a test.
74
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:30,300
Absolute silence while the test
is in progress, please.
75
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:33,000
I don't want to hear a pin drop.
76
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:42,000
Right.
77
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,000
Now.
78
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:48,200
You may begin.
79
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,900
(SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC)
80
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,600
Moonwhile, at this institution in Flatley,
81
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,800
Dr Lawrence is showing an inspector round.
82
00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:16,900
Currently we have 40 residential patients
83
00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:21,100
and, as you can see,
we do like to keep things very relaxed.
84
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:23,200
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
85
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:28,000
I'm not one of those who subscribes
to keeping everyone under lock and key.
86
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,700
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- I'll need those glasses back, Anne.
87
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:35,500
- Ultimately, it's all about trust.
- (PHONE RINGS)
88
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:38,100
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
89
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:43,700
Fortunately, when I came here,
I was able to gain, quite quickly,
90
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:46,200
the respect of everybody...
91
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,200
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- And... It's all in the folder.
92
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:55,600
Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is
in the middle of his morning briefing.
93
00:06:55,600 --> 00:07:00,500
- Have the results of the opinion poll come?
- Yeah, I've got them right here, Prime Minister.
94
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:03,200
What sort of things are people saying?
95
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:08,200
Very happy with your work on Northern Ireland,
strong approval on Health Service reforms
96
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,600
and they'd like to see you in shorts.
97
00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:16,100
- Shorts?
- Yeah. A pair of cycling shorts or something.
98
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:20,300
- Oh.
- They like your tough stance on crime.
99
00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:25,700
And they like it when your hair's a bit wet,
'cause you look kind of soppy, Prime Minister.
100
00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:30,200
- They'd like to see you wrestle a man.
- I'm sorry?
101
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:35,700
Bosnia good, education could do better,
wrestling men I've covered...
102
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:39,800
- Can I have a look at them?
- Yeah, just right here.
103
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:44,800
Now, Railtrack. Oh, you've got an eyelash.
Stay still, stay still.
104
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,200
Make a wish!
105
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:53,900
Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury
dinner. We're running very late. Change here.
106
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:56,900
- Thank you, darling.
- Have you seen my earrings?
107
00:07:56,900 --> 00:08:00,400
I don't know. Which ones?
You do know Sebastian?
108
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:04,000
- Hello, Sebastian.
- Hi (!)
109
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:10,100
- Sorry. We're having a meeting here!
- Have you tried the bathroom?
110
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,700
Now, don't be long.
111
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:16,500
- See you later, darling.
- I'm not going.
112
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:19,500
- I was talking to my wife.
- Bye, Sebastian.
113
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,500
Whatever (!)
114
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:28,400
So, anyway, um... Oh, God! I've completely
forgotten what I was gonna say!
115
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:32,900
- Thanks for coming in. I should get changed.
- Yes, of course. Of course.
116
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:38,900
- And you'll speak to the Foreign Secretary?
- I'll get straight onto it, Prime Minister.
117
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:50,500
Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend
by first thing on Monday
118
00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:53,300
because it's quite... big?
119
00:08:55,100 --> 00:09:00,100
- Yes, Sebastian. Now, if you don't mind...
- Quick, Prime Minister! Get down!
120
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:03,700
- What's going on?
- I thought there was a sniper.
121
00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:06,700
- Where?
- By the window, but there isn't.
122
00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:13,500
Can we get up now?
123
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:16,100
Give it a minute.
124
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:21,300
This is the communal garden
and we all look after it together.
125
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,700
Eh! Eh! Ehh!
126
00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:30,300
Anne there has decided
those flowers might look better...
127
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:33,100
Where are you gonna put them, Anne?
128
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:35,300
Ehhh! Ehhh!
129
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:43,900
Just there. Visitors often say
do we have a team of professional gardeners?
130
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:45,900
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
131
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:53,400
- Anne is particularly fond of this tree.
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
132
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:59,300
Hello? I'm just in the middle of something
at the moment. Can I call you back?
133
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:01,900
OK. Bye-bye.
134
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,600
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
135
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,200
Eh! Ehhh!
136
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,000
Ehhhhh.
137
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,800
Clients do find it very therapeutic, too.
138
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,400
Sssh!
139
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,400
Come on!
140
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,800
(WHOOSH OF VACUUM CLEANER)
141
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,800
In Herby, Lou is making some changes
to his friend Andy's bathroom.
142
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,900
So, I'm gonna put these
143
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:47,700
here and here, OK?
144
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:50,300
Yeah. Why?
145
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:54,000
- So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
- Yeah, I know.
146
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,600
- So we think one here. Yes?
- Yeah.
147
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:02,400
- And one... here. Yes?
- Yeah.
148
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:07,300
- I'll have to drill into the wall, you know.
- Yeah, I know.
149
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:11,700
- Could you, er, pass me the drill?
- No, I can't reach it.
150
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:24,700
Right, I've finished.
Do you want to come and have a look?
151
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:27,500
Yeah.
152
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:30,100
Right. Heh, heh, heh.
153
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,400
Here we go.
154
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:40,200
- Ta-da! What do you reckon?
- Yeah, I like it. What's it for?
155
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:44,800
- So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
- Yeah, I know.
156
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,800
- Do you want to try it out?
- Yeah.
157
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:50,800
All right. I will leave you to it.
158
00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:02,300
- How are you getting on?
- Yeah, fine.
159
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,100
(TOILET FLUSHES)
160
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:11,500
This is the home
of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
161
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:15,200
Books were introduced into Britain in the 1950s.
162
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:20,900
Early books had no words or pictures,
but nowadays the book world is thriving
163
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:23,900
with over seven books published every year.
164
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:30,700
...and with that Clarence took Amelia
into his arms, held her and kissed her,
165
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:35,900
like a woman had never been kissed before.
The end!
166
00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:40,300
Truffle, I think.
How many pages, Miss Grace?
167
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:45,100
- 76.
- Oh.
168
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:48,100
Then they went to the shops for a bit.
169
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:54,400
Didn't really see anything they liked,
came home and had a bit of a kiss and cuddle.
170
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:58,600
The end!
Do you know, I think I'll have a truffle.
171
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:04,000
Oh! There was a full box here this morning.
You've been scoffing again, haven't you?
172
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:08,800
- I haven't touched them.
- I've got my eye on you.
173
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:14,400
Then they watched a very long television
programme which took up lots of pages.
174
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,900
The end! How many pages?
175
00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:20,600
Still not enough, I'm afraid.
176
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:24,100
Let's come back to that one. What's it called?
177
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,600
Uh, "Lady In White".
178
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:31,400
Well, let's start another one.
"The Lady In Mauve."
179
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,800
Chapter One...
180
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,300
The end!
181
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,300
This is the newly built St God's hospital
in Shireshire,
182
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,400
which was opened just last year
by Dame Rhona Cameron.
183
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,300
Nasty. Go through there, up the stairs.
184
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,700
- We'll give it another minute, then we'll go.
- Is this Katy's room?
185
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:59,600
Oh, David! David Soul!
Thank you so much for coming.
186
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:04,600
- I got your letter. If I can be any help...
- Just being here will make a huge difference.
187
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,100
How are you, sweetheart? How's she doing?
188
00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:11,100
Oh, she's all right,
but, David Soul, tell us about you.
189
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:16,400
- Any more "Starsky and Hutch" in the pipeline?
- Not currently.
190
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:20,700
What about a new album? It's been a while
since 1997's "Leave A Light On".
191
00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:25,700
Maybe, er, maybe next year.
I'm focusing on acting right now.
192
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:29,700
- Oh, yeah, 'cause we saw you in "Holby City".
- Yeah, we couldn't believe it.
193
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:34,400
We said, "There's David Soul in 'Holby City'!"
Couldn't believe it.
194
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,400
You still in touch with Huggy Bear?
195
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,700
Christmas cards.
196
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:50,500
- Better get the address right.
- Why's that?
197
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:55,200
- Otherwise it might go to Yogi Bear!
- Don't mind him, David.
198
00:14:55,200 --> 00:15:00,000
- I'm just having a laugh, Dave.
- It's just his way. He's just playing with you.
199
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,300
So, so tell me...
200
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,900
What does Katy want to do when she grows up?
201
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:09,300
Don't know, David. She's quite ill.
202
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,000
# Don't give up on us, baby
203
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:20,800
# Just give us one more try... #
204
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:24,200
# Come on, Silver Lady, say the words...
205
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,000
# Do da do da do... #
206
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,000
# When I need you
207
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:35,300
# I just close my eyes and I feel you... #
208
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:40,100
- Leo Sayer.
- Stupid cow.
209
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:45,700
- Oh, I nearly forgot. Pass the LP.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
210
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:48,500
- Ask him to sign.
- David Soul...
211
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:51,900
Would you mind signing your LP for us, please?
212
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,700
- Thank you.
- Is that... Is that Katy with a 'y'?
213
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:03,200
No, it's Joan with a 'j'.
214
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:09,000
- And Rod. Just Rod.
- Hi. David Essex is in reception.
215
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:13,600
- We're going to have to hurry you out, David.
- I hope you don't mind.
216
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,600
- It's a real pleasure to meet you both.
- Absolutely.
217
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:21,100
- And I do hope that Katy gets better soon.
- I'm sure she will.
218
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:24,700
- Thank you, David Soul.
- Thank you. Through there.
219
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:30,600
- What's he put?
- "To Rod and Jane. Screw you. David Soul."
220
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,200
Must be an American thing.
221
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:40,500
Community centres in Britain are ideal places
for all kinds of groups to meet.
222
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:47,100
It's half past Tula and Marjorie Dawes is taking
her weekly "FatFighters" class.
223
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:52,500
Now, a little bird told me that somebody,
and I'm not gonna name any names,
224
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:57,700
has been going around saying they've followed
the diet and haven't been losing any weight
225
00:16:57,700 --> 00:17:03,000
and that "FatFighters" is just a rip-off.
Well, in answer to this shit-stirrer...
226
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:08,700
...we have got a special visit
from the "FatFighters" Slimmer of the Year.
227
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:14,500
His name is Cliff Roberts. Before
I bring him out, just have a look at this.
228
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:17,000
This is what he used to look like.
229
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,000
There we go. Have a look at that.
230
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,000
And these, would you believe, are his trousers?
231
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:31,500
So please welcome the "FatFighters"
Slimmer of the Year, Cliff Roberts!
232
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,800
- Can I have my, uh...?
- Yeah.
233
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:45,100
Now, you are Slimmer of the Year because
you lost the most weight out of anybody.
234
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:49,500
- How much did you lose?
- Three stones and nine pounds.
235
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:51,700
Three stones and nine pounds!
236
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,700
See?
237
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:59,100
- And how much do you weigh now?
- Er, 19 stones and one pound.
238
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:01,600
19 stones and one pound!
239
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:08,500
Yeah. OK, let's just get this into perspective.
Come and stand by your cut-out for a minute.
240
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:12,700
There we go.
You'd hardly recognise him, would you?
241
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,800
Sit back down.
242
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:19,400
Now, what we all want to know is
how you came to lose all this weight.
243
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,900
Basically, I just ate sensibly and exercised.
244
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:26,700
- And the special "FatFighters" range helped?
- No, they're a waste of...
245
00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:31,200
Good! So what would you say
to someone who's a bit of a Judas
246
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,800
and who's thinking of leaving "FatFighters"?
247
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:40,400
- Being around other people who are also...
- Don't say it to me, say it to him.
248
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:45,500
Having other people around you who are also
trying to lose weight gives you that extra boost,
249
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:48,100
so if you wanna lose weight, keep coming.
250
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:51,100
Yeah. You fat shit!
251
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:56,900
- I'd not call him that. It lowers self-esteem.
- No. So, uh...
252
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,200
Oh, they're like tits, aren't they?
253
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:15,100
We do eat together
and I think that's good for everybody.
254
00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:20,300
We're not trying to implement
any sort of hierarchical structure here.
255
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:23,300
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- Thank you, Anne.
256
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:28,200
I think it's no small tribute
that when people come and see us, they say,
257
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,900
"Who are the doctors and who are the patients?"
258
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:35,100
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- When the Chief Medical Officer came...
259
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:37,700
It was either August or... Yes, it was August.
260
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:44,300
He said the same thing and that was a real lift
to everybody who works here, you know.
261
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:47,900
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- That was really good. So we find...
262
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:52,000
We're not ready for coffee just yet, Anne,
but thank you. Or tea.
263
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,800
You don't want tea now, Dr Beagrie, do you?
264
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:58,900
No, I do find that if you can
break down some of these barriers,
265
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:03,100
you really would be amazed
at some of the results.
266
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:06,100
We had somebody come and see us recently.
267
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,800
- Ooooh.
- They'd had a troubled time.
268
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,800
They were quite distressed when they came.
269
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:17,000
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- They'd been in and out of hospital...
270
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,500
We can talk about this later.
271
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:24,300
Meanwhile, Jason is joining his friend Gary
for Sunday luncheon.
272
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:28,900
It is the law in Britain that on Sundays
everybody must eat a roast.
273
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:32,400
The most popular meats
are beef, lamb, pork and bat.
274
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:36,300
- Come in.
- Something smells nice.
275
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:38,700
- You know Julie.
- Hi.
276
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:42,300
- And you remember me nan.
- Oh, yeah.
277
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:45,300
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
278
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:51,300
- Have a seat.
- Grub's up. Hi, Jason.
279
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:53,600
Hiya. Sorry I'm late.
280
00:20:56,400 --> 00:21:00,800
- Oh, I forgot the salt!
- Oh, let me, Mrs Leigh.
281
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:08,600
I can't remember the last time
we had someone over for Sunday lunch.
282
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:14,000
Well, it's just nice to spend time
with you... all. Wine, anybody?
283
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,400
Not for me, thanks.
284
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,200
Lovely.
285
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,000
Nice potatoes, Mum.
286
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,000
- Is that the dog?
- Is what the dog?
287
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:41,100
- I can feel something under the table.
- I put him out earlier.
288
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:45,100
So you got a girlfriend, then, Jason?
289
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:47,800
No, I haven't. I'm single currently.
290
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:54,300
- Mum, you've got gravy all down yourself.
- Oh, dear.
291
00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:56,700
(MUM) Honestly!
292
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:16,800
I've got more meat, more peas, more carrots.
And I can do more gravy if anyone wants.
293
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,700
- I'm all right, thanks, Mum.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
294
00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:22,300
Well, there's more if anyone wants.
295
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:25,300
- (COUGHING)
- What's the matter, Mum?
296
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,300
Something must have gone down the wrong way.
297
00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:33,300
Mum, you all right?
Gary, get your nan a glass of water!
298
00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:35,700
It's OK, it's OK.
299
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,600
(NAN WHEEZES)
300
00:22:44,700 --> 00:22:46,700
Oh, oh, oh.
301
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:51,100
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh.
302
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,000
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhhh...
303
00:22:56,700 --> 00:22:59,000
That's got it.
304
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,800
- (COUGH)
- Shhh!
305
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,800
(FIREWORK WHIZZES AND EXPLODES)
306
00:23:24,900 --> 00:23:30,300
Chinese food was invented
by Professor Stewart Tennant in 1986
307
00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:33,100
and has been very popular ever since.
308
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:40,500
We're just out for a nice, quiet meal. Can you
please not mention the whole you know what?
309
00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:43,300
- What's that?
- You know, Liz.
310
00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:47,700
- What? That I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid?
- Yes!
311
00:23:47,700 --> 00:23:50,400
Sometimes it just comes up in conversation.
312
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:54,900
Let's see if we can have an "I was Molly
Sugden's bridesmaid"-free night tonight.
313
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:57,500
- All right, then, Clive.
- Can I take your order?
314
00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:00,500
Are you being served or shall I go first?
315
00:24:01,700 --> 00:24:07,000
- Liz!
- I'll have the seaweed to start. That's my boy!
316
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,900
And I'll have the sesame prawn toast.
317
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:18,300
Prawns! That's what I had at Molly's wedding!
Molly Sugden's wedding. I was the bridesmaid.
318
00:24:18,300 --> 00:24:23,500
- And for the main course?
- Eh, we'll have a 27, a 108
319
00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:28,100
- and the egg fried rice, please.
- Yes, she's very nice, very down to earth.
320
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:31,000
Quite different from the snooty Mrs Slocombe.
321
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:36,600
And before you ask, no, the wedding dress
wasn't from Grace Brothers, perish the thought!
322
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:40,600
- From Grace Brothers! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Liz!
323
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,300
- People want to know!
- It's boring!
324
00:24:43,300 --> 00:24:48,200
That's life. Now, do us all a grace
and favour and shut up.
325
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,700
- And to drink?
- I'll just have a beer, please.
326
00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:56,700
I'll have a glass of Molly. I mean, water!
Sorry, did someone say "Molly Sugden"?
327
00:24:56,700 --> 00:24:59,300
That woman from "Are You Being Served?"?
328
00:24:59,300 --> 00:25:03,800
Um... I think she's in that one.
Is that the one she's in, Clive?
329
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:08,800
She's very funny with all those jokes
about her cat. I'll get your drink.
330
00:25:09,900 --> 00:25:15,500
If he asks me one more question
about Molly Sugden, I shall scream!
331
00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:17,800
Molly Sugden!
332
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,500
Meanwhile, at St God's hospital...
333
00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:30,300
# Bye-bye, baby, baby, goodbye
334
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:36,400
# Bye-bye, baby, don't make me cry... #
335
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:42,700
- Nothing.
- Do another one.
336
00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:48,500
I'll do... What about?
# Give a little love, take a little love... #
337
00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:50,900
No, she doesn't really like that one.
338
00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:55,900
- # Shang-a-lang... #
- Oh, yeah. She likes that.
339
00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:58,100
# Shang-a-lang
340
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,800
# Shang-a-lang
341
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:04,000
# Shang-a-lang... #
342
00:26:05,100 --> 00:26:09,500
Roughly one second later
in the northern town of Scoffage...
343
00:26:12,300 --> 00:26:15,200
- Yeah?
- Sam? Sam Bailey?
344
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,200
- Yeah.
- I'm here to give you your driving lesson.
345
00:26:18,300 --> 00:26:24,100
- Thought you'd come to arrest me. My jacket.
- I'm afraid you'll have to come now.
346
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:30,700
- You're not a policeman, then?
- Early retirement. Forced into it. Terrible.
347
00:26:30,700 --> 00:26:35,700
- Are you still allowed to wear the uniform?
- My other clothes are in the wash. Here she is.
348
00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:38,700
The Duchess. Get in, soft lad.
349
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,100
Eh? Thick as a puddle!
350
00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:43,900
- Put your foot down!
- What?!
351
00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:45,900
Faster!
352
00:26:45,900 --> 00:26:48,600
- Isn't it a 30-mile-an-hour limit?
- What speed are you doing?
353
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,500
- 72.
- Stop the car!
354
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,400
- Is this your vehicle, sir?
- No, it's yours.
355
00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:07,700
- Driver's licence.
- I rather hoped you could help with that one.
356
00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:10,300
Oh, dear. We've got a comedian.
357
00:27:10,300 --> 00:27:12,600
Blow into this.
358
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:23,800
Give us that here!
359
00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:26,900
- What's this?
- A poodle?
360
00:27:26,900 --> 00:27:31,700
No, I'll tell you! It's a boy racer!
Just turned 17, thinks he's Nicki Lauda!
361
00:27:31,700 --> 00:27:33,900
- I've got me eye on you!
- All right!
362
00:27:33,900 --> 00:27:37,200
Now, on your way, you black bastard!
363
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,500
Lan? I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter
364
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:53,700
and he says they're only measuring
from the top of the head down.
365
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,600
- What shall we do?
- Go for a drink.
366
00:27:58,700 --> 00:28:02,900
So what have we learned
from this evening's programme?
367
00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:05,700
That some ducks have bells and some don't,
368
00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:08,300
that murder isn't morally wrong
369
00:28:08,300 --> 00:28:14,200
and, most importantly, we've learned
how to tell a goblin from a hobgoblin.
370
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,600
Goodbyeeeee!
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net