1
00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:04,300
<i>Britain, Britain, Britain!</i>

2
00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:09,200
<i>There's an old saying in Britain,
"Britain is top banana." Yeah!</i>

3
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:13,100
<i>But why is it so great?
Well, I'll tell you why it.</i>

4
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:16,100
<i>It's because of the people that live in Britain.</i>

5
00:00:16,300 --> 00:00:21,300
<i>And it is these people what we will be
following in this award-breaking series.</i>

6
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,600
<i>Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister,</i>

7
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:38,300
<i>one of the most important people in this country
after myself and my friend Colin Graham,</i>

8
00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:42,900
<i>is going through the morning papers
with his aide Sebastian.</i>

9
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:53,800
- What about the broadsheets?
- "Guardian" go with "Disaster for government."

10
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,300
The "Times", "Prime Minister under fire."

11
00:00:57,300 --> 00:01:00,300
The "Telegraph", "Black day for PM."

12
00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:07,000
- You all right, Sebastian?
- Yeah, just got something in my eye.

13
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:11,000
"Independent",
"Poll defeat puts PM on the ropes."

14
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:17,500
- Want a tissue?
- No, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

15
00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:20,900
The tabloids? What does the "Sun" say?

16
00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:24,700
(SOBBING) Oh, no!

17
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:27,700
- What?
- I can't show you.

18
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,800
Come on, it can't be all that bad.

19
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:35,600
They've said you're dead as a dodo.
You're not as dead as a dodo!

20
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,600
- All right, Sebastian.
- You're not as dead as a dodo!

21
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,400
- Come on. You're being very silly.
- I'm not!

22
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:48,400
(INCOHERENT SOBBING)

23
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,900
It doesn't matter.
Don't get upset. I'm not upset.

24
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:56,900
I want you to be Prime Minister for ever.

25
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:02,700
- I'm not planning on going anywhere.
- Good.

26
00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:05,500
(PHONE RINGS)

27
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:13,400
Hello.

28
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,200
OK, thank you. I'll be down. Thank you.

29
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,900
My car's here, Sebastian.

30
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:26,400
- I have to leave now.
- OK.

31
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,000
Where are we going?

32
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:35,400
Thank you, Sebastian. That will be all.

33
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,600
<i>Pubs are very popular in Britain,
with over five pubs per person.</i>

34
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,800
Packet of pork scratchings.

35
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,900
Another packet of pork scratchings.

36
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,000
Box of matches.

37
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,900
Anything else?

38
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,500
And four pints of snakebites, please.

39
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:20,800
Have you got any ID?

40
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:26,600
No, but yeah, but no, Albany said I'd said
Samina's got a moustache, which she has.

41
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:32,200
But Paul told Yasmin I showed him my tit
on the school trip to Wookey Hole, but I never.

42
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:38,400
- If you ain't got ID, I'm not serving you.
- No, ask Kevin's brother. He reckons I look 15.

43
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:43,000
Anyway, my friend Theresa goes to school
with Gary Soper's sister,

44
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:49,000
and he's the hardest person in Cotham, 'cause
once he found a tyre and threw it at a swan.

45
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:54,800
- Come on, get out.
- I have got ID but I burnt it. I don't need it.

46
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:59,700
- You've dropped your ID card, Vicky.
- Yeah, I just remembered I never burnt it.

47
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:06,600
That's SO unfair! Hayley went down the Firkin
and they gave her four Pernod and blacks.

48
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:11,800
She's so lucky. She's got her own council flat,
three kids, and she's only nine.

49
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:16,900
- I'm not serving you.
- Don't matter, 'cause we've got one of these.

50
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,200
Come on. Let's go. This place is rubbish.

51
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:28,600
<i>As a special treat, Lou has taken
his friend Andy to the seaside.</i>

52
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,800
Right, can I have, please, a whippy with a flake?

53
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:36,400
Have you decided what you're having?
What do you want?

54
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,500
- Just a cone.
- And another whippy, plain.

55
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:45,100
- No, just a cone.
- Just a cone on its own? No whippy?

56
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:47,800
- Yeah.
- It'll be very dry.

57
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:53,000
- Yeah, I know.
- Tell you what. Have a little bit of ice cream.

58
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:58,200
You like ice cream. You said it was
the perfect complement to a hot summer's day.

59
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,100
- What's it to be?
- Cone.

60
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:04,100
And then just a cone on its own.

61
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:06,500
Thank you.

62
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,800
I want a whippy.

63
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,400
<i>0ver at Kelsey Grammar School...</i>

64
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:48,400
Right. We have a new boy here today.
One or two of you will know him already.

65
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:54,200
He's been put down a year from the fourth year
and his name is Thorpe. Say hello, Thorpe.

66
00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:57,800
All right?

67
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:04,600
<i>If you need an operation in Britain,
you can either perform it yourself in your home</i>

68
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,100
<i>or you can check into a hospital.</i>

69
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:16,700
<i>At Saint Mohammed's in Shriek, stage hypnotist
Kenny Craig has gone to see his mother.</i>

70
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,800
That puts me on 84.

71
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,000
Your go.

72
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:32,500
- Want some help, love?
- No, thank you, Mother.

73
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,600
- What's that?
- "Cupboardy."

74
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,800
- That's not a word.
- It is. It means "cupboard-like".

75
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:48,000
Well, I've never heard of that.
Pass me the dictionary.

76
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:54,000
Mother, look into my eyes. The eyes. Don't look
around the eyes. Into the eyes. You're under.

77
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:59,800
In a moment, you will believe that "cupboardy"
is an actual word, not a word that I made up.

78
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,500
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.

79
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,700
Oh, "cupboardy".

80
00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:09,700
As in "cupboard-like". Well done.

81
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:17,000
- That puts you on 106.
- Yeah, 106.

82
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,500
Hello, Mrs Craig.

83
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:22,300
Is this your toy boy (?)

84
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:25,200
No, this is my son Kenny.

85
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,900
Oh, yes, of course. The famous hypnotist.

86
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:32,400
- Who is winning?
- I am. I'm winning.

87
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:37,200
- He just put down "cupboardy".
- "Cupboardy"? There's no such word.

88
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:43,800
Look into my eyes. The eyes. Don't look around
the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under.

89
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,800
"Cupboardy" is an actual word in the dictionary.

90
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:51,300
You did the toy-boy gag last week
and it didn't work then. Drop it.

91
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:54,100
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.

92
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:59,100
You're right, Mrs Craig. He can't really do it.

93
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:06,200
Oh, thanks (!)

94
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,200
(RINGING)

95
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:15,600
- I don't want to buy any dusters.
- No, we need a room.

96
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,200
- We're full.
- It's says "vacancies".

97
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:22,800
- No, we're full.
- Any other guest houses you can recommend?

98
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,800
Not in this town, no. Good day.

99
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,400
- Let's just go home.
- Yeah.

100
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:42,800
<i>Just as one group is finishing
at this community centre, another begins.</i>

101
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:47,000
<i>Inside, the weekly "FatFighters" meeting
has just begun.</i>

102
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:52,500
<i>I have never suffered from obesity myself,
although I do have one very fat hand.</i>

103
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,200
Crisps. High in fat, low in fat? Anyone?

104
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:01,000
- Crisps. Paul?
- High in fat.

105
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:06,600
High in fat, but low in protein and low in fibre,

106
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,200
so it's not all bad news.

107
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,200
OK. Another one. Er...

108
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,900
Lettuce. Lettuce.

109
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:19,500
High in fat, low in fat?
What do we think? Lettuce. Moira?

110
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,800
- Low in fat.
- Sorry?

111
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,700
- Low in fat.
- Again.

112
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:27,100
Low in fat.

113
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,100
She said, "Low in fat"!

114
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,700
All right, don't patronise her.

115
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:35,500
Low in fat. Well done.

116
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:38,300
OK, we've got time for just one more.

117
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,200
Dust. Anybody?

118
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,200
No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust.

119
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,600
Anybody? No? Dust.

120
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:58,100
Anybody? No? Dust.

121
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:04,600
Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat.
You can have as much dust as you like.

122
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:09,800
OK, moving on.
Today is a very special day at "FatFighters".

123
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,800
We have a new member.

124
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:19,400
She is a new member. Her name is Barbara,
and, would you believe, we are related.

125
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,900
Is she your daughter?

126
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:24,400
No, she's my sister.

127
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,400
- Nice to see you, Barbara.
- Thank you.

128
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:31,600
There are normally more people,
but Hank Marvin's playing the Pavilion tonight.

129
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:36,000
Stay where you are. So, big hello to Barbara.

130
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,100
- Hello.
- Hello.

131
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:43,600
She can't speak English and he's married,
so no luck. Not that that usually stops you.

132
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:49,200
It's funny. When we were growing up,
Barbara used to tease me. Do you remember?

133
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:53,000
- No.
- You used to say I was a greedy-guts.

134
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,800
The shoe is now on the other sock,

135
00:10:55,800 --> 00:11:01,600
because I may be one or two pounds overweight,
but YOU are SOMETHING ELSE!

136
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:07,700
She's had two kids, each by different men.
But that's not for here. And she's piled it on.

137
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,500
Well, I want to lose about a stone.

138
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:16,500
A stone? More like five.
Anyway, what's important is, we're here to help.

139
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:21,800
What advice can we give to Barbara
to turn her tragic life around? Paul?

140
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:28,200
- Cut out biscuits.
- Cut out biscuits. Good. Anyone else? Mary?

141
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:32,200
Instead of sugar,
use artificial sweetener in tea.

142
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:38,400
Something about sugar. But, really, the most
useful advice is to look at the person inside.

143
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,300
You're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.

144
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:45,900
- No, I'm not.
- You deserve to be. Mum doesn't speak to you.

145
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:50,200
She thinks if you died,
the world would be a better place.

146
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,700
Mum speaks to me. I spoke to her yesterday.

147
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:57,800
Barbara, we'd be grateful if you could
leave family matters for outside. Thanks.

148
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,400
OK, the weigh-in.

149
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,000
Let's start with, er... Barbara.

150
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:07,400
Will you be all right to get up,
or will you need sticks?

151
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:12,400
Right, you may have noticed
we have a new boy here today.

152
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:17,400
His name is Uppingham,
and he comes to us from the 17th century.

153
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,200
Say hello, Uppingham.

154
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,800
Hello.

155
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,400
(VIRTUOSO PLAYING)

156
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:36,700
What time does Sainsbury's shut tonight?

157
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:39,200
Eight?

158
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,800
Oh, shit. On a Thursday?

159
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:53,700
<i>It's evening at the Scarecrow and Mrs King pub
in the Welsh mining village of Llandewi Breffi.</i>

160
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:04,900
- Another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.
- Coming right up.

161
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:10,700
I wish there were things for gay people to do.
It's lonely being the only gay in the village.

162
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:18,700
What are you on about? There's loads of things
to do. Just look in the local paper. Now...

163
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,700
Lesbians, bisexuals,

164
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:24,300
trans-gender...

165
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,300
Here we are. Gay section. There you go.

166
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:32,800
There's a gay night on Thursdays
at the BJ and the Bear pub in Aberfanwy.

167
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,700
Oh, no. I couldn't get over to Aberfanwy.

168
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:40,900
- It's only half a mile away.
- No, the stone path is quite treacherous.

169
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:43,800
But the number 4 goes to Aberfanwy.

170
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:48,400
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly get on a bus.
I'm gay, you see.

171
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:54,000
Gay men's choir. Gay rambling society.

172
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,000
Gay book club. Gay sex club.

173
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,300
Gay Nation of Islam.

174
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:04,300
Not much going on, is there?

175
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:10,800
Oh, gay Trekkies. Now, that is right up
your street. You love "Star Trek", don't you?

176
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,400
Well, I don't like "Deep Space Nine".

177
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:18,400
Gay Trekkies meet on Mondays at eight o'clock.

178
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,400
- I've missed it.
- Right here.

179
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:26,500
- Let me see that.
- That must be them over there.

180
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:31,400
- They don't look like "Star Trek" fans to me.
- Of course they are.

181
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:36,600
- Well, they can't be gay.
- I tell you, dear, he was hung like a Klingon!

182
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:40,200
Go over and talk to them.

183
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:45,900
No, I couldn't possibly walk over there.
These hot pants give me terrible chafing.

184
00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:48,100
Daffyd.

185
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:53,100
(SQUEAKING)

186
00:14:55,700 --> 00:15:00,200
Greetings. I've just been speaking
to the barmaid.

187
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:05,800
She says would you mind drinking up
and leaving? They don't want your sort here.

188
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:12,500
- Well, I did try.
- (SQUEAKING)

189
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,000
Have you got any Savlon?
I'm red raw down here.

190
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,800
<i>With nothing on the telly
but repeats of "Dr Who",</i>

191
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,800
<i>"Medics" and that episode
of "Blackadder Il" I'm in,</i>

192
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,900
<i>Lou and his friend Andy choose a videotape.</i>

193
00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:32,500
- Have you seen anything you might like?
- I want that one.

194
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,800
That one?

195
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:38,800
- That is "Pride and Prejudice".
- Yeah, I know.

196
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:43,000
- I'm not sure you'll like that one.
- I want that one.

197
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,500
It's all set in the olden days.
No, I'm not sure you'll like that.

198
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:52,100
- You like Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal.
- Yeah, I know.

199
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:57,700
Just to be safe, why don't we get a film with guns
in it as well, in case you don't like this?

200
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:02,100
- I want that one.
- You know I'm going to see Maria.

201
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:06,200
- I can't get another one if you don't like it.
- Yeah, I know.

202
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,600
- Are you sure you want this one?
- Yep.

203
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,400
I don't like it.

204
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:21,000
Well, I'm sorry, but you're stuck with it.
I told you. I've got to go and see Maria.

205
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,700
I'll be back around six.

206
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:48,200
(ACTION MUSIC)

207
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:52,000
# Monster Trucks, Monster Trucks,
Monster Trucks... #

208
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:56,100
<i>0h, I do like to be beside the seaside.</i>

209
00:16:56,400 --> 00:17:01,600
<i>0h, I do like to be beside the seaside,
as the famous song goes.</i>

210
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:08,300
<i>At his guest house, not-very-good transvestite
Emily Howard is showing a gentleman round.</i>

211
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:12,500
I don't normally allow single gentlemen
to take rooms.

212
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:16,000
No, a lady ought not open her house to menfolk.

213
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,800
- What lady?
- Me. I am a lady.

214
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,600
- Are you?
- Yes.

215
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:25,500
This will be your room.
It was going to be a nursery.

216
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:30,300
Being a lady, which I am,
I was rather hoping to have children one day.

217
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,800
- Really?
- Yes!

218
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,400
But it wasn't to be.

219
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,700
I'm fine, I'm fine.

220
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:45,300
This is my room. It has my lady's things in it.
My lotions, my petticoats, my lady's things.

221
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:48,300
- You must not come in here.
- Sorry.

222
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:51,000
Come in. Oh, er...

223
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,800
Don't know what they're doing there.

224
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:58,500
You must know there is no lock on the door.

225
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:03,200
A man like you could burst in
and see me in the altogether.

226
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,600
- We don't want that.
- Yes, we do.

227
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,800
So, er... how much did you say it was?

228
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,000
Well... it's a guinea for the night.

229
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:18,900
But this is a lady's house and there are rules.

230
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:23,400
- Oh, yes?
- No tobacco smoke. No coarse language.

231
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,000
And I lock the door at 8 p.m. Sharp.

232
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:31,100
- That might be a problem. I'm working late.
- Really? What do you do?

233
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:35,200
- Might interest you. I'm a female impersonator.
- Wot?

234
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,900
Yes, I'm appearing at Bachelors.

235
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:40,900
Miss Terri Lene.

236
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:45,800
Get out! Get out! Agh! It's disgusting!
Vamoose! Get out of my house!

237
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:49,200
- Go!
- Don't worry, pal, I'm off.

238
00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:55,900
Just out of interest, who does your dresses?

239
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:05,500
<i>Tower blocks were introduced to Britain
in the 1960s and were an instant success.</i>

240
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:11,800
<i>People love the sense of social alienation,
entrapment and the stench of urine in the lifts.</i>

241
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,800
<i>Here on the seventh floor,</i>

242
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:23,100
<i>theatrical leg-end Bernard Chumley is preparing
for a visit from an aspiring young actor.</i>

243
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,800
Ah, you must be Joe.

244
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,600
- Yes.
- Yes. Do... Do come in, young Joe.

245
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,000
Through there.

246
00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:40,100
It's the... It's the room at the end, young Joe.

247
00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:49,100
Please, do take a seat.

248
00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:52,000
That one's a bit wet.

249
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:57,500
- Tea?
- Thank you.

250
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:06,000
I read your letter with great interest. Have you
written to lots of other important actors?

251
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:11,200
Yes, but nobody else has actually
invited me round to their...

252
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,600
home.

253
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:17,500
Well, it was such a charming letter.

254
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:20,500
And the, er... photograph.

255
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:23,900
And so, er... Tea?

256
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:27,100
Thank you.

257
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:32,700
Yes, it was so exciting to pass the audition
and get a place at RADA,

258
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:35,500
but the fees are astronomical, £6,000 a year.

259
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:39,500
- Do help yourself to a potato crisp.
- Thank you.

260
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,600
So, who else did you write to?

261
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:48,400
- Well, Sir Derek Jacobi wrote a nice letter.
- Terrible stutter.

262
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:52,300
- And Sir Anthony Hopkins.
- He's a "sir" now, is he?

263
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:56,400
- He gave me £200.
- Bastard! Didn't send me a penny.

264
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,400
You've always wanted to be an actor, have you?

265
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,500
Yes, ever since I was a boy I've spent every...

266
00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:06,800
- Polo mint?
- No. I've spent every penny on the theatre.

267
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:11,200
I imagine you've seen Muggins here
quite a few times.

268
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,300
- No.
- Oh.

269
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,600
Your sister Kitty I've heard of.
She had an accident.

270
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,100
Yes. Terrible.

271
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:23,600
Lost the use of her legs.

272
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:28,800
Of course, I can look back at it now and laugh,
but at the time it was very...

273
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,300
- Boiled egg?
- Oh. No, thank you.

274
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:37,100
(KNOCKING ON WALL)

275
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,500
Don't worry, Kitty! It's just the gas man!

276
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:47,900
- Maybe she needs to go to the toilet.
- Oh, no, no, no. She went yesterday.

277
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,200
- Got a girlfriend yet?
- No.

278
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,100
I bet you have. I bet all the girls are after you.

279
00:21:58,100 --> 00:22:03,100
Yes, I'd better be off. I'm having tea
with Sir lan McKellen at the Savoy.

280
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:05,600
I see. Sugar puff?

281
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:09,900
- No, thank you.
- I didn't push her. She fell.

282
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:16,300
Yes. Actually, this is rather embarrassing.
Could you help me with my tuition fees?

283
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:18,700
Yes. Yes, of course.

284
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,600
- There you are.
- Thank you.

285
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,100
Have you got change?

286
00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:40,000
<i>During the summer months, literally tens
of people flock to Scotland for their holidays.</i>

287
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,900
Oh, we're easy to find.

288
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:45,900
When you see the hanging tree, take a left.

289
00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:48,800
When you come to the old well, take a right.

290
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:52,800
If ye pass a scarecrow, ye've come too far.

291
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:56,800
Yeah, that's right, opposite IKEA.

292
00:22:57,700 --> 00:23:01,700
Ah, Squire Mackenzie,
I trust you enjoyed your stay.

293
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:10,800
Yes, I shall be submitting
a very positive review to the "Chronicle".

294
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:16,400
Just one thing. The three courses for 15 poonds
set menu. Is that available on a Sunday?

295
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:21,100
If you were to ask me on a Monday,
I'd say ye-e-es.

296
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:25,800
If you were to ask me on a Tuesday,
I'd say... ye-e-es.

297
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:30,700
- If you were to ask me on a Wednesday...
- It's a very simple question.

298
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:37,100
- Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday?
- If you ask me on a Monday, I'd say ye-e-es.

299
00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:39,800
If you ask me on a Tuesday, I'd say...

300
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:43,300
(MERRY TUNE)

301
00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:45,200
...ye-e-es.

302
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:49,600
- If you were to ask me on a Wednesday...
- Oven chips?

303
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,000
Just through there.

304
00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:58,200
Where was I? Oh, yes.
If you were to ask me on a Monday...

305
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:03,400
For goodness' sake, it's a simple question.
Do you serve the set menu on a Sunday?

306
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:08,800
I'll tell ye, but through the medium of dance.
Children!

307
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:16,100
(TOOTLING "SCOTLAND THE BRAVE")

308
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,000
Does that answer your question?

309
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:32,500
Right, you may have noticed we have a new boy
here today. His name is Charlie.

310
00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:38,000
I don't want any of you to treat him
any differently. Say hello to everybody, Charlie.

311
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,000
Hello, Charlie.

312
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,600
Yes, he's a dog.

313
00:24:45,300 --> 00:24:49,000
<i>This is the residence of Dame Sally Markham,
the famous novelist.</i>

314
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,800
<i>I had a house like this, until I lost it.</i>

315
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:56,300
<i>If you find it, please post it back to me,
care of the BBC. Thank you.</i>

316
00:24:56,300 --> 00:25:01,000
Young Toby was having a ripping time
on his toboggan.

317
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:05,000
Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

318
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:09,700
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

319
00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:12,400
How many pages?

320
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,500
34.

321
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:17,500
Clarissa was similarly overjoyed.

322
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:22,100
Yahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

323
00:25:22,100 --> 00:25:24,000
ooooooooooooooo...

324
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:28,600
"Oh, dear," she said. "I've hurt myself."

325
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:32,400
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

326
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,500
aaa... Oh, publish.

327
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:41,700
<i>Today, former 0lympic athlete Denver Mills has
been booked to promote Hug-a-Leper Week.</i>

328
00:25:41,700 --> 00:25:44,700
Thank you for helping us at short notice, Steve.

329
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,600
- Denver.
- Denver. Sorry.

330
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:50,200
Is Geoff Capes all right?

331
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,800
The Capester? He'll be fine.

332
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:57,600
He just had to have his dog put down
and he's a bit upset about that.

333
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,600
He's only doing the bigger-money jobs this week.

334
00:26:00,700 --> 00:26:04,900
- Have you got your speech?
- Got it right here, boss.

335
00:26:04,900 --> 00:26:09,400
Hug-a-Leper Week is all about
dispelling myths about leprosy.

336
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,800
About bloody time.

337
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:16,500
There are people who think that lepers
are still banished to colonies.

338
00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:19,500
- They're not, are they?
- No.

339
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:24,400
Some people think that
lepers' limbs just fall off.

340
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,500
No, I mean, that's just... That's just wrong.

341
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:37,900
For too long, people who suffer from leprosy
have been the butt of jokes. That's got to stop.

342
00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:39,700
Yeah.

343
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:50,800
- You want to go through your speech?
- No, I'll be fine.

344
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,600
- Fruit pastille?
- Thanks.

345
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:00,300
Couldn't get me one, could you?

346
00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:05,400
Thank you.
I tell you, I missed these out in Ghana.

347
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:10,900
- What were you doing in Ghana?
- Missionary work. That's when I caught leprosy.

348
00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:16,100
- Thankfully, mine has been cured now.
- Has it?

349
00:27:16,100 --> 00:27:20,900
But today you'll meet lots of people
in various stages of the disease.

350
00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:48,100
Oh, no. I pressed "reset" instead of "start".

351
00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:52,100
Have to do it again.
Just get you some more eggs.

352
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:58,800
<i>And so we conclude our journey round Britain.
I hope you've enjoyed the shoe.</i>

353
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:05,100
<i>Sorry, I won't be here next week as I'm going
into hospital to have a hysterectomy. Good byte!</i>



9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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