1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,500
Britain, Britain, Britain!
2
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:07,200
Everybody is welcome in Britain.
3
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,900
We are open nine till six, Monday to
Saturday. No foreign gentlemen, please.
4
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:15,800
What makes Britain such a wonderful place
to visit for an afternoon?
5
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:22,000
Why, it's the people of Britain,
and it is these which we'll look at today.
6
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:25,600
0hhhhh, my sweet Lord!
7
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,400
Here we are in the charming Welsh village
of Llandewi Breffi,
8
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:38,500
home of committed homosexualist
Daffyd Thomas.
9
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:40,800
# It is a sin... #
10
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,500
- Morning, Daffyd.
- Good morning, Miss Davies.
11
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:51,400
I had a phone call from Ruth. She got terrible
morning sickness. She's not coming in today.
12
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,800
So I'm gonna put you with the new boy, lfan.
13
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,600
Lfan! Your 10 o'clock's here!
14
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,200
Do you know, I think lfan might be a gay.
15
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:05,900
I think that's very unlikely.
I am the only gay in the village.
16
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:10,700
Hiya! I'm lfan, but all my friends call me Fanny.
17
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,300
Follow me.
18
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,100
Well?
19
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:19,100
Too early to tell.
20
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:25,800
Come along, now! Take the weight off your lallies.
Put a nice, big skirt around you.
21
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,800
Now, what can we do for you?
22
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:33,300
A nice wash and blow?
Would you like that? A blow!
23
00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,900
Just a light trim, please.
24
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:39,800
- So, do you go out much?
- Not really.
25
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,200
- Is there much of a scene?
- Pardon?
26
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,800
A scene, dear. A gay scene. Cocks and frocks.
27
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,800
No, there is no gay scene in Llandewi Breffi.
28
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:53,300
Just me. I am the only gay in the village.
29
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:56,100
Not any more, dear. Fanny's in town.
30
00:01:56,100 --> 00:02:00,200
- There you are, loves.
- Oh, ta.
31
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,700
- Well?
- (WHISPERS) No signs.
32
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:06,000
Fanny, love!
33
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,600
Forgot your keys.
34
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,100
Thanks. I am a dizzy cow.
35
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:16,600
Right, Hinge and Brackett need walking,
so I'll see you later.
36
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,600
(WHISPERS) His brother.
37
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:26,300
At Saint Buddha's hospital in Foulmouth,
38
00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:30,800
ropy transvestite Emily Howard
is waiting to have an X-ray taken.
39
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,800
Right, sorry to keep you. So, Eddie Howard...
40
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,700
Emily Howard. I'm a lady. Emily Howard. Yes.
41
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:40,300
Right. What happened?
42
00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:44,800
I was disembarking a motor coach
when I took a tumble.
43
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:49,200
You fell off the bus.
I'll do an X-ray of the whole leg.
44
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:55,200
- If you'd just place this over your testicles.
- Oh, Doctor! You do amuse.
45
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:59,900
It's not a joke. It's got lead in it.
It deflects the radiation.
46
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:04,200
But I'm a lady. I don't have..."testiclés".
47
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:08,400
Well, perhaps little lady's "testiclés".
48
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,400
Might, er... Might this do for me instead?
49
00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:13,300
No.
50
00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:16,000
Or... Or this?
51
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,400
Surely...
52
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,400
I'm sorry. You do need to use this.
53
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:27,700
Well, do you mind if I brighten it up a little
with some appliqué and décollage?
54
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:31,900
- Some lace around the edges.
- I don't have time for this.
55
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:36,400
- But I'm a lady!
- I can't give you the X-ray without it.
56
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,400
Do you know, I think I'm feeling rather better.
57
00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:42,700
I don't think I need an X-ray at all.
58
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,400
Aaargh! Shit!
59
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:54,600
This is a pub. As we all know, the word "pub"
is an acronym for "Phillip's Uncle's Boat".
60
00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:01,000
Right. We'd better get you home, hadn't we?
61
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,100
I know.
62
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,900
- Do you need to use the toilet before we go?
- No.
63
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:09,200
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
64
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:13,200
Once I've got you in the van,
you won't be able to do toilet.
65
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:18,400
- Yeah, I know.
- If I have to stop, that's a right kerfuffle.
66
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,100
I know.
67
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:23,900
- Are you sure you don't need the toilet?
- Yeah.
68
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,300
I need to go toilet.
69
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,800
Following the success of video libraries,
70
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,800
book libraries like this one
have sprung up everywhere.
71
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:53,100
We encourage our patients
to take a Saturday job.
72
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:57,200
It gives them a sense of purpose
and a small income.
73
00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:01,400
I've brought you here today
because Anne is working here.
74
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,000
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
75
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,300
Hello, Anne.
76
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,800
Thank you. And how are you today?
77
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,100
Ehhhhhhhhh.
78
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,800
As you can see, she blends in very well.
79
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,000
British justice is the best in the world.
80
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:30,700
Anyone who disagrees
is either a gay, a woman or a mental.
81
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:36,900
Vicky Pollard,
you have been charged with shoplifting.
82
00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:41,900
On the 11th of April, it is alleged you went
into the Erkskine branch of Superdrug.
83
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:46,400
Once there, you attempted to steal
an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull
84
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,100
by concealing them in your leggings.
85
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:58,400
In the face of the overwhelming evidence
we've heard against you, you still plead not guilty?
86
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,200
No but, yeah but, what happened was this thing
I don't know nothin' about.
87
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,700
Shut up! I wasn't supposed to be near there.
88
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:09,100
Then Meredith came over and stirred it up
and called me these things.
89
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,600
Right... but you admit you were in Superdrug?
90
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:20,600
No but, yeah but, no, because of this whole other
thing that Meredith says weren't a thing,
91
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,400
so don't listen to her 'cause she's a slag.
92
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,400
Meredith? Who is Meredith?
93
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:30,200
The one who done that thing, but if she gives
you sweets don't eat 'em 'cause she's dirty.
94
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,800
Thing? What thing?
95
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:36,600
Yeah, I know. And anyway there was this whole
other thing I didn't even know about or nothin'.
96
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:41,000
Liberty told Wayne Duggan that Jermaine
fingered Carly round the back of the ice rink.
97
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:46,900
I was on the phone to Jules, but don't listen
to her. She had a baby and didn't tell anyone.
98
00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:49,900
Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time?
99
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:55,300
No! But, yeah but, no but, yeah but... no, but,
yeah but, no 'cause I wasn't even with Amber.
100
00:06:55,300 --> 00:07:00,500
- Amber? Who's Amber?
- Yeah, exactly! I don't even know who she is.
101
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:05,000
- Vicky, I don't think you realise...
- No, but there's this other thing, right...
102
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,000
- If you're found guilty...
- You can't say that, right...
103
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:13,200
- I'm allergic to cat hair.
- Are you going to keep interrupting me?!
104
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,900
- No, I'm not. I'm gonna let you speak.
- Good.
105
00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:21,400
- Now, we've heard from...
- Oh, my God! Right...
106
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:25,600
- I give up!
- Craig felt up Amy at Alton Towers.
107
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:30,600
Her mum totally had an eppy, but then Dean went
on the Mary Rose and was sick on Louise's head.
108
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:36,700
It's Hilary o'clock, and Matthew Waterhouse
is looking for work at a kissogram agency.
109
00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:40,200
I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
110
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,900
We're minicabs, mate. Kissograms next door.
111
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:49,200
I wanna be a kissogram!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
112
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,200
Well, lovely. We're always looking for people.
113
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:55,700
What...?
114
00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:59,400
Here's one. George Bernard Shaw-o-gram.
115
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:04,900
Come in, take me beard off and recite a play.
How about that for starters?
116
00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:07,900
- Erm...
- Got another one.
117
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:12,000
- John McCarthy-o-gram.
- What happens there?
118
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:17,200
I come in handcuffed to a radiator and discuss
my five years as a hostage in the Lebanon.
119
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:22,300
- Yes. I don't think there's any market for...
- Got another one. Nurse-o-gram.
120
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:27,000
- Ah, that's more like it.
- I come in, sing "Happy Birthday"
121
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,700
and administer a local anaesthetic.
122
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:32,200
- I don't...
- Zoo-o-gram.
123
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:37,000
- What's that?
- I come in... Bear with me.
124
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:41,500
- Well?
- I told you. I come in. There's a bear with me.
125
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:47,400
Another one. Lan-o-gram. I come in and pretend
my name is lan. "Hello, my name is lan," etc.
126
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,800
- Leave.
- Man-o-gram. I am a man.
127
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:54,300
- Get out.
- Invisible man-o-gram. I come in, invisible.
128
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:58,500
Whoo... Whooooooo...
129
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,200
- Was I invisible then?
- No.
130
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,400
- I'm a very busy woman.
- A very busy woman-o-gram.
131
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,600
- Could you leave the room?
- Leaving the room-o-gram.
132
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:14,400
- Right. Now open the door.
- Opening the door-o-gram.
133
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,400
- Walk out.
- Walking out the door-o-gram.
134
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:21,300
- And close the door.
- Closing the door-o-gram.
135
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,100
Waiting outside the door-o-gram.
136
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:33,800
- Hello. I'd like a minicab, please.
- No, that's next door.
137
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,400
All right!
138
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,200
0ver in Flange, at the Kelsey Grammar School...
139
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:52,700
So, Edward the Second
divided by Henry the Fifth equals...?
140
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,800
Anybody? No?
141
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:03,200
Equals hydrogen peroxide.
142
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:07,700
Question 6.
Determine the square root of Popeye.
143
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:16,700
Sandra Patterson is so keen for her son
to do well in the world of show business
144
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,700
that her hair is coming out in clumps.
145
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,800
They're fruity and delicious.
They're fruit-elicious.
146
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,300
Lovely. OK, thanks very much... Raif.
147
00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:30,200
Are we rocking? Have we got the gig?
148
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:35,300
- We'll let you know.
- He does a great Otis the Aardvark. Do Otis.
149
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:41,000
- Yeah, we've got a few more people to see.
- Ever seen "The Snowman"? He does that.
150
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:45,700
- It'll break your bleeding heart. Go on.
- # We're walking in the air...
151
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,400
# We're walking in the air... #
152
00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:54,600
- We are up against it today, so...
- It's better with his pyjamas on.
153
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,600
We don't really have time, you see.
154
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,200
- It's his birthday.
- No, it isn't.
155
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,700
- Please.
- He's dying.
156
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:05,300
Look a dying boy in the eye and say "no".
157
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:10,400
If you must know, it's a "no". Nothing personal.
We're just looking for something different.
158
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,900
We can change him, have something done.
159
00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:17,600
Look, he's a real talent. I'm sure he'll do well.
160
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,400
- I'll tell them you touched him.
- Get out.
161
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,400
We know when we're not wanted.
162
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,100
(MOTHER SHOUTS) Don't ever do that again!
163
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:37,200
Watch this. Hello, Anne.
I'd like to take this book out, please.
164
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,600
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
165
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:52,900
(PHONE RINGS)
166
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,600
Hello? Sorry, guys.
167
00:11:55,600 --> 00:12:01,000
Yeah, I'm just in the library at the moment.
Can I call you back? OK. Eh, eh, ehhh.
168
00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:07,600
And can you tell me when
the Oliver Sacks biography is back in?
169
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,500
- Eh, eh, ehhh.
- Thank you.
170
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:26,900
The health service in Britain is thriving,
with three doctors to every one patient.
171
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:29,900
Marjorie Dawes has gone to see her mother.
172
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:34,400
Now, the doctor says
you've got to go into a home.
173
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:38,400
I don't want to go into a home. I just had a fall.
174
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:44,200
- Morning, morning. How are we today?
- Fine, Doctor. Look, it's Dr Harman, Mum.
175
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,800
And how is the good doctor today?
176
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:51,600
- Quite well. Just a bit bunged up.
- Bunged up? Something going round.
177
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,800
Let me know if you want someone
to look after you.
178
00:12:55,800 --> 00:13:01,600
We've got the results. Good news. No internal
haemorrhaging. You can go home tomorrow.
179
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:05,400
- Good.
- She'd be better off in a home.
180
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,000
Home? Yeah? Yeah? Home? Yeah?
181
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,600
Yeah, put you in a home. Yeah.
182
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,400
No, she's perfectly capable
of looking after herself.
183
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,900
She doesn't know what day it is. What day is it?
184
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:21,500
- Tuesday.
- There you go.
185
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:24,300
She thinks it's LAST Tuesday.
186
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,200
Who's the Prime Minster... of Belgium?
187
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:32,100
- Well, I don't know.
- See what I have to put up with? Mum?
188
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:35,100
- What's this?
- Your nose.
189
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:40,000
No, it's my finger. Doctor,
she doesn't know if she's coming or going.
190
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,400
- Mrs Dawes...
- Marjorie.
191
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:46,900
Marjorie, we only put people in homes
when they can't look after themselves.
192
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:52,300
What if her flat was attacked by a pack
of wolves? Doctor, she's very vulnerable.
193
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:57,000
I'm not going to recommend further care.
She simply doesn't need it.
194
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,600
Bye, Doctor. Get well soon.
195
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,000
Oh, he's such a flirt.
196
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:06,600
What are we gonna do with you?
You can't come and live with me.
197
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,600
I don't bloody want to. I'll go back to my flat.
198
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,900
- But I'm renting it out now.
- Who to?
199
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:16,100
Some gays.
200
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:21,400
I've been on to Social Services. They've found
you a nice place just an hour down the road.
201
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:26,400
- Maybe I could go and live with Barbara.
- Mum, Barbara hates you.
202
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:32,100
You should cut her out of the will. I'm coming
back tomorrow. Is there anything you want?
203
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:36,000
- My dressing gown.
- I've taken that to Oxfam.
204
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:41,700
- Well, I was halfway through a Maeve Binchy.
- Well, I'm reading that now.
205
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:47,500
- Well, how about my jewellery?
- I'll... I'll see you tomorrow, then, Mum.
206
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:49,500
Cheerio.
207
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,200
Oh, she's a burden.
208
00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:59,600
The fortunes of ex-children's entertainer
Des Kaye have taken a tumble recently.
209
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:04,800
To make ends meet, he has been forced
to take a job at DIY Universe
210
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,600
in the northern town of Little Tokyo.
211
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,400
Er... what's this now?
212
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:22,300
- Nothing.
- I won't tell you again. You're not on telly.
213
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:25,300
Take those down and get on with your work.
214
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:29,400
- Excuse me. Masking tape?
- This man'll help you.
215
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:34,300
- Excuse me. Masking tape?
- Wicky woo! Des Kaye. Pleased to meet you.
216
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:38,100
- Oh, me hand.
- Do you know where the masking tape is?
217
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:42,100
No, I don't. But I've got a friend who does.
218
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:49,200
Say hello to Mr Crocodile.
"Top of the morning! Where's me breakfast?"
219
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:55,800
Never mind about your breakfast! This young lad
wants to know where the masking tape is.
220
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,800
"But I'm hungry! I want my breakfast!"
221
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,800
- I'm so sorry about this.
- Get off me!
222
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,600
- Des!
- I'm just helping a customer.
223
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,300
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
224
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,900
We let Anne make her own way home.
225
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:22,900
She's earned £5 today. That's HER money.
She can spend that anywhere she wants.
226
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,900
See you later, Anne.
227
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,800
At TV Centre,
the BBC continues to fulfil its charter
228
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,800
to educate, entertain, inform
229
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,500
and provide work for Patrick Kielty.
230
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:47,700
Peter, I've got a tape of last night's news.
I wasn't happy with it.
231
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:51,700
- Really?
- Let's have a look, shall we?
232
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:57,000
We'll have more on that later. Now we go over
to our royal correspondent, Peter Andre.
233
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,600
Thank you, Raworth.
234
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,300
I'm standing here outside Highgrove Church,
235
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:07,200
where earlier today the royals were attending
their traditional Easter Sunday service.
236
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,500
Textbook.
237
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:16,000
Prince Charles. He has magical powers. Prince
Edward, sadly without his wife Griff Rhys Jones.
238
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,000
Prince Andrew, with the young Sarah Ferguson.
239
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:24,600
I've met him loads of times. He's really nice.
I really like him. Hi, A ndrew! Andrew!
240
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:29,600
Nah, he can't hear me.
The Queen there. She's the main one.
241
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:34,000
And, light of my life, Princess Royal Anne.
242
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,800
0h, Anne. Sweet Anne.
243
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:40,500
# I love you, Anne, and I want you, Anne
244
00:17:40,900 --> 00:17:43,900
# Please pull me, Anne, and I'll push you, Anne
245
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,800
# Please hurt me, Anne, and bite me, Anne
246
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,800
# 'Cause I want you, Anne, in the morning! #
247
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,600
Back to the studio.
248
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,300
Erm... Peter...
249
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,700
Problem?
250
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:07,300
It's ten minutes since Andy last ate,
and his stomach's already rumbling.
251
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:10,800
Right, just gonna go and pick up Maria.
252
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,800
Anything you need me to do before I go?
253
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:16,700
Yeah, I want a chocolate.
254
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,700
These chocolates are for
when Maria comes round.
255
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,400
I want a chocolate.
256
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,400
All right, you can have one. Now...
257
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:30,100
- Which one do you want?
- That one.
258
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:32,300
- That one?
- Yeah.
259
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:35,300
- That's dark chocolate.
- I know.
260
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,200
- You don't like dark chocolate.
- I know.
261
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:44,400
You say dark chocolate has a bitter edge
and lacks the oral ecstasy of its milkier cousin.
262
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,800
Yeah, I know.
263
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:52,000
Well, why don't you have the caramel tub, then?
You like the caramel tub. It's caramel.
264
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,600
I want that one.
265
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:58,900
- They're going back on the shelf now.
- I don't like it.
266
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:05,300
- I did warn you.
- Can I have another, to take the taste away?
267
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:10,300
You can have another one when Maria
gets here, and not before. See you later.
268
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,300
(DOOR CLOSES)
269
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:39,600
Everyone in Britain loves the opera.
270
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:46,800
Go to any bus stop or factory floor, and all
you hear is "Don Giovanni" this, "Rigoletto" that.
271
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,800
(OPERATIC SINGING)
272
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,900
Charles!
273
00:19:56,700 --> 00:19:59,700
Charles, what's the matter? Charles!
274
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:04,100
- Charles!
- Make way! St Tom's! Coming through!
275
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:07,800
- He just passed out.
- He's in safe hands now.
276
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:11,900
- Dial 9999.
- I wasn't expecting this on me first day.
277
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,900
Come on, now, Neville. What do we do?
278
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,900
- Check his pulse.
- Not much good.
279
00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:20,900
- Recovery position?
- Might be a heart attack.
280
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,200
- I don't know!
- Give him a Polo.
281
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,400
- Mint with the hole.
- That's not in the manual.
282
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:33,300
- No time for that. There's a man dying here.
- Doesn't seem to be doing anything.
283
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:39,300
Can't be his heart, then. Maybe it's a blood clot.
Blood clot, blood clot... Let's see.
284
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:43,600
Got it. TicTac. Check he's not allergic.
He hasn't got a tag?
285
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:48,600
- I can't see anything.
- This is a good bit. I saw this last night.
286
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:52,500
She doesn't know that the duke
is her husband in disguise.
287
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:55,200
Causes a right brouhahaha.
288
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,800
Right, where were we? Oh, yeah.
289
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,600
Maybe the dose is wrong.
290
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:08,200
- I think he's had a stroke.
- Then we don't have any choice. Neville...
291
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,000
We're gonna have to open the Extra Strong.
292
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:24,100
A favourite destination for holidaymakers,
after Siberia, is Scotland.
293
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,800
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Hey, you open for afternoon tea?
294
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,800
Oh, maybe I am and maybe I'm not.
295
00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:43,900
- Oh, OK.
- Oh, no, no! I am, I am! Please sit doon.
296
00:21:43,900 --> 00:21:48,800
- Oh, what an adorable little place.
- It smells funny in here.
297
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,100
I'll be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
298
00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:57,800
Here I am with the cake trolley.
299
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:02,300
- Oh, those look great, Kimberley.
- I want the chocolate cake!
300
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:08,300
OK, honey. Kimberley has a nut allergy.
Do you know if there are any nuts in it?
301
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:10,600
Ye-e-es.
302
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:14,600
You mean, "Yes, there are nuts"?
Or, "Yes, you know"?
303
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,600
- Ye-e-es.
- Well, which?
304
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:22,100
If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie.
If ye call me false, I'll also tell ye a lie.
305
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,100
So, does the cake contain nuts?
306
00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:31,100
Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
307
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,900
The carrot cake contains... no nuts.
308
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:43,900
Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake,
have ye any nuts?
309
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:50,200
The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts.
310
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,000
(TOOTLING)
311
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,100
No nuts.
312
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,200
Chocolate cake, chocolate cake,
have ye any nuts?
313
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,700
He wants to speak to you.
314
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:13,800
Mike Kapalski.
315
00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:19,300
Here we are at the country home
of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
316
00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:23,900
I'd love to write a book,
but unfortunately I don't have a pen.
317
00:23:23,900 --> 00:23:29,600
His hand passed over the curves of her body,
firmly, without desire,
318
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,600
but with soft, intimate knowledge.
319
00:23:32,700 --> 00:23:37,400
- End of chapter.
- This is wonderful, Dame Sally.
320
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,300
Yes, it is, rather. Chapter four.
321
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:44,900
"As she ran home in the twilight,
the world seemed a dream.
322
00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:50,400
"The trees in the park seemed bulging
and surging at anchor on the tide..."
323
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:57,200
Here in Britain's capital city of Sneddy
are the offices of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
324
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,500
- Have you got a pen?
- There you are.
325
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:14,600
Dennis... Waterman.
326
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,200
At last we've got you a job.
327
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:24,200
I'm so glad to see you're finally over
this silly "write the theme tune" business.
328
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:29,200
- Oh, no, that's all in the past.
- Well, thank goodness for that.
329
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,900
Well, if that is all, I will be on my way.
330
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,900
Oh, I have just remembered.
331
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,200
Happy birthday!
332
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,200
Oh, Dennis! You are naughty.
333
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,800
No, I'm not. I'm good.
334
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:55,200
- Thank you.
- It's got great music on it.
335
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,800
- Dennis!
- Sorry.
336
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,400
Well, that's very kind of you.
337
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:05,000
I'm just going to cut the cake now,
if you'd like to come in.
338
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,000
Can you pass me the knife, please, Dennis?
339
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:12,300
- Oh, isn't Dennis with you?
- I'm right here.
340
00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:14,500
Thank you.
341
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:19,200
- Make a wish.
- We haven't sung "Happy Birthday".
342
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,700
- Oh, go on, then.
- One, two, three.
343
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:26,600
- # Happy birthday to you
- # If you want to, I'll change the situation
344
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:31,300
# Right people, right time,
just the wrong location...
345
00:25:31,300 --> 00:25:33,300
(IMITATES TROMBONE)
346
00:25:33,300 --> 00:25:38,400
# I've got a good idea
Doo-doo-doo-doo, just you keep me near
347
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:39,600
# I'll be so good for...
348
00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:43,500
# Happy birthday, dear Jeremy
349
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:48,900
# I'll be so good for you
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, boo! #
350
00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:55,600
- Cake, anybody?
- Just a small piece.
351
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,100
There you go.
352
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:04,800
It's lunchtime at this Chinese restaurant
in Ducking Down.
353
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:10,600
I myself love Chinese food.
My favourite dishes are 14, 29 and 53.
354
00:26:12,100 --> 00:26:16,800
Me and Molly Sugden were friends
years before "Are You Being Served?"
355
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,300
- Liz...
- In a minute.
356
00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:23,600
Molly said to me,
would I like to be her bridesmaid?
357
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:27,800
- Liz, your food's getting cold.
- In a minute.
358
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:34,400
- I was delighted. It was a wonderful day...
- You said you were just going to the toilet.
359
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,900
I was. I just got chatting about
being Molly Sugden's bridesmaid.
360
00:26:38,900 --> 00:26:43,800
- I'm so sorry about this.
- It was a lovely do. We had a lovely meal.
361
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:46,600
They played the Beatles and there was dancing.
362
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:51,100
- I went to school with Paul McCartney.
- Right. And the cake...
363
00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:56,000
- Really? What was he like?
- A really nice bloke. Dead musical, even then.
364
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,800
Always playing the piano. Lovely singing voice.
365
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:03,300
- Molly Sugden, whose bridesmaid I was...
- Did you meet John Lennon?
366
00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:09,600
I did, once. We went round at lunchtime
and John was there. They were jamming.
367
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,500
Beatles aren't going any more. I said to Molly...
368
00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:17,600
I love the Beatles. I've got all their tapes.
I play them in the car.
369
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,300
- Join us.
- Thank you.
370
00:27:20,300 --> 00:27:22,700
No, Clive. Come away.
371
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:28,000
- Excuse us.
- He was at school with Paul McCartney.
372
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:33,400
Yeah, and I was Molly Sugden's bridesmaid.
I don't go on about it.
373
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,700
Get over it!
374
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,500
Boring!
375
00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:44,100
45, 46, 47, 48.
376
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:53,100
Have you got a light?
377
00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:55,100
Won't be long.
378
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:01,400
And so this week's journey comes to an end.
379
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:07,300
If you have enjoyed the programme, you might
like to get up and do a dance in honour of it.
380
00:28:07,300 --> 00:28:09,500
Good bile!
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net