Britain, Britain, Britain!
Here are some facts about Britain you may not know.
Number one, Britain is a country.
Number two, Britain is called Britain.
Number five, Britain.
But who are the people who live in Britain?
0ver the next five hours, we aim to find out.
Yeah!
Vicky Pollard is moving up in the world and has now graduated to borstal.
Today she has been summoned to the governess's office.
Come in now, please, Vicky.
Right, I've been hearing all sorts of stories about a very serious incident in the canteen.
Vicky, I'm going to ask you a question now and I want a straight answer.
Did you bite Jackie Hayes?
I never even done nothin' or nothin'.
Julie wrote this thing on the wall about Lorraine being 100% minger.
Samantha came into our dorm stirring it all up and Karly found a pube in her lasagne.
So Karly's involved in this?
Karly ain't never done nothin'! Shut up!
She was busy selling her phone cards to that girl with the manky foot,
but I was with Alison because she was sick.
I never broke no chapel window. Don't listen to Donna. She plays with matches!
- Vicky, did you bite Jackie Hayes? - Shut up! I didn't even know she got bit!
This is like this film where this woman goes into this place, then the video cut off.
- Rachel said Denise done it with her brother. - Would you go and fetch Jackie, please?
- I don't know why you bother with Jackie. - Yes, thank you, Vicky.
Jackie, please tell me what happened in the canteen this afternoon.
I ain't never not even done nothin'! Shut up! Don't listen to Sheryl! She's a scab!
Oh, my God, I can't believe you just said that!
- Sheryl ain't never even done nothin'! - She was doing this other thing with Jaye.
- Kelly said Elaine was a 100% cow! - She's two-faced! I never stole no spoon!
(BOTH) Don't listen to her! She's gone all lezzie!
Piss off!
- You fancy her. - You do.
You do. Everyone knows you finger yourself.
If people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop.
If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop.
If they want to buy a pet shop shop, they're just being silly.
You'll have to think of a name for this rabbit.
- Name for it, yeah. - I wonder where they are?
- I want that one. - That one?
- Yeah. - Well, that's a snake.
- Yeah, I know. - You don't like snakes. You're scared of them.
Remember that film with all the snakes in it? You said all serpents had an aura of evil.
- Yeah, I know. - Let's get a rabbit, then.
- I want that one. - Are you sure?
Yeah.
It's your birthday money. What will you call it?
Thumper.
We'll take the snake, please, yeah.
I want a rabbit!
10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister is, like, this guy who's, like, in charge of, like, the whole country.
So it is with great reluctance that I have decided to accept the minister's resignation.
I'll take a few questions.
Boyd Hilton, ''Smash Hits''. Prime Minister, did the Foreign Secretary lie to the House?
I've answered that question. Next?
Greg Davis, ''Puzzler''. Have you appointed a replacement?
- We'll be making an announcement shortly. - Angus Thomas, ''Kerrang!''
- Who's next to go from your Cabinet? - There will be no more resignations.
Roy Sloan, ''Whizzer and Chips''. Have you lost your strongest ally in the Cabinet?
There is no rift in the Cabinet.
Andrew Jarman, ''Dinosaur Magazine''. What was your...?
- I'm sorry, I don't know that one. - It's new.
You get a free binder with Part One. You collect it over 24 weeks.
It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs.
Oh, yes? Go ahead.
Eh... Oh, I'm sorry. I've forgotten the question.
Roger Wakeley, ''Asian Babes''.
Given your support of yet another disgraced minister, has your position become untenable?
- Certainly not. One more question. - George Paxton, ''Daily Telegraph''.
Who's your favourite member of Westlife?
It's five past Alberto and at ''FatFighters'', the meeting is just beginning.
Yeah, I know. They're all the same. Listen, I'd better go. I've got my fat people here.
So Johansen's here, Paul's here, Pat's here...
- Where's Meera? - She's in hospital having liposuction.
Oh! I think it's such a shame the way people feel the need to tamper with themselves.
Tania's here.
Who are you?
This is the home of schoolteacher Edward Grant
who recently caused a stir by marrying one of his former pupils.
Lucky bugger!
- Problem? - Another letter from Mum.
For goodness sake! What is so strange about a teacher marrying one of his ex-pupils?
- Nothing. - Sorry?
- Nothing. - Nothing what?
- Nothing, sir. - That's better.
- What's this? - Happy Valentine's Day, darling.
Pop it in my pigeon-hole.
Go on, open it now.
Aw!
''dear Edward...'' Capital D on ''dear''.
''I love you with all my...heat''? Oh, ''heart''!
Handwriting! ''Yours for ever...'' Comma! ''..Samantha.''
Hmm, six out of ten.
See me.
- You do love me, don't you? - If you have a question, put your hand up.
- Erm... Yes, Samantha? - Do you love me?
- Yes. - How much?
OK...
''How much do you love me?'' Well...
Let's say that this is ''love'' here and this is ''time'' here.
Now, this is where we first met. This is that detention we shared together.
Dropped a little here when I didn't cast you in the school play. School trip to Calais.
Parents' evening, wedding day, wedding night and this is where we are now,
so, as you see, as time has progressed, love has increased.
- Put your chalk down and come back to bed! - Sorry, I got carried away.
Are you chewing?
Into my hand!
It's one two o'clock, and at Kelsey Grammar School,
a young pupil has an appointment with his careers adviser.
- Sorry I'm late, sir. - Make sure it doesn't happen again.
- Take a seat. - Thank you, sir.
What do you have in mind?
Well, ever since I was small, I've wanted to go into catering.
In the future, there will be no jobs for humans in the catering industry, only robots.
Oh.
- Does that include catering in hotels? - Er, yes.
Well, the other thing I was thinking of was engineering.
There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth.
Oh, dear.
This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
Thank you, sir.
- Tuck your shirt in. - Sir.
I am a robot.
Yeah.
In Herby city centre lies this library.
The word ''library'' is derived from the Latin, ''libres'', meaning ''ssh''.
So...have you seen anything you fancy?
- Yeah, I want that one. - That one?
Yeah.
- That is a book on Chinese history. - Yeah, I know.
- How do you know? You weren't looking at it! - Yeah, I know.
It all looks a bit involved, really.
How about that book I was telling you about in the van, about the cave boy in a rubbish tip?
- ''Stig of the Dumps.'' - And I want that one!
That is ''Chinese Language and its Origins''.
Again it, uh...it might be a little bit hard for you.
- I want it! - All right, you've got these two.
You're allowed one more. Shall we look for ''Stig of the Dumps''?
That one!
- That one? - Yeah.
- That is the same one as you've got there. - Yeah, I know.
Well...
- Are you sure you want these three? - Yeah.
- You're positive? - Yeah.
All right, let's go and get them stamped.
- So are you happy with your choices? - Yeah.
- Are you sticking with these three? - Yeah.
Good.
I can't read.
So that's a table for two at eight. Thank you.
Can't wait.
Anything for my little star pupil.
Would you, uh...like to draw the curtains?
Oh!
This is our timetable for the evening.
7 p.m., coach leaves for restaurant. Anybody not on the coach at that time will be left behind.
It's not Mufti Day, is it? 7.30 p.m., arrive at restaurant... And get a haircut!
Council estates are where the old, thick and bone idle are forced to live.
This flat on the seventh floor is the home of brother and sister Bernard and Kitty Chumley.
- (LOUD THUMPING) - Yes, I heard it, Kitty!
Hello. Meals on Wheels for Kitty Chumley.
Ah, yes, yes.
Do...do come in, yes.
So what is it today, then?
Oxtail soup for starters and then shepherd's pie with cabbage and swede.
I don't like swedes. I mean, Kitty doesn't like swedes.
And there's a choice of Arctic roll or a peach.
Arctic roll, obviously.
Thank you.
- So how is your sister today? - I didn't do it!
No. How is she?
Oh, I see. Still not walking, but I think a lot of it's psychological.
- Can I see her? - Oh, no, no, no. She's biting today.
- Thank you so much. - Have you got yesterday's plates?
Oh, yes.
We do ask that they're returned clean.
By the way, the jam roly-poly was delicious.
..Kitty said. If anything, there could have been more of that...she added.
- They tell me you were an actor. - I'm an actor, yes!
Right. Are you in anything at the moment?
Bits and bobs, you know. Well, thank you very much. Good day.
Mr Chumley, I think you might qualify yourself for the Meals on Wheels service.
I'm 43.
I'll see you again soon, then.
- Bit dry! - Sorry?
..Kitty says.
Everybody in Britain loves the royal family.
They are the cleverest, strongest, loveliest, most selfish people in Britain.
Today, Her Majesty the Queen is hosting a royal garden party.
- Carry on. - Hello, sir. Can I see your invitation?
- I trust everything is going well? - Fine, sir.
Nobody's trying to sneak in without an invitation?
- Not yet, sir. - Keep up the good work.
I'm Peter Andre, royal correspondent for the BBC?
I'm not allowed to let anyone in without an invitation, sir.
I don't want to draw attention to myself. Hello! Yeah, I'll be in in a minute!
But Philip personally invited me.
You probably don't know who I'm talking about - Princess Philip.
Oh, yes? And what did he say?
He said, ''We're having a party. Just pop round any time after four.''
- I'm sorry, sir. - Anne and I are very much in love.
Step aside, please.
# I want you, Anne, and I need you, Anne Please don't hurt me, Anne... #
- Step aside, please, sir! - I must give her these drawings!
- Good afternoon, Miss Bond. Straight through. - Thank you very much.
- Jennie! Jennie! - Sorry, Peter, I can't help you now.
- Probably best to go home, sir. - Yes.
And, uh, put some trousers on, will you?
If your car doesn't already have a boot, you can buy one at a car-boot sale.
Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is getting rid of some old junk.
- Anything take your fancy, sir? - No, thanks, I'm just looking.
Humorous book about cricket?
- Foreword by John Major. - No, thanks.
Complete set of ''Blackadder'' there.
Yeah, OK, I'll take them. No, hang on. There's no ''Blackadder III''. I'll leave it.
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes.
You're under. What you see is a complete set of ''Blackadder'' videos.
There was no ''Blackadder III''. Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
OK, I'll take them.
- There you go. - Cheers.
Lovely.
You, uh... You like ''Red Dwarf''?
We've got the whole first series there, including ''Smeg Ups''.
Oh, no, I've got these. I taped them off the telly.
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, not around the eyes, into my eyes. You're under.
You did not tape ''Red Dwarf'' off the TV, you cheapskate! Three, two, one, back in the room!
OK. I'll take those as well. There you go.
Thank you.
I, uh...I see you're a bit of a comedy fan.
- How about that? - No, I saw that. It was rubbish.
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, not around the eyes, into my eyes. You're under.
Paul Merton in the ''Blood Donor'' was hilarious and just as funny as Tony Hancock.
Three, two, one, you're back in the room!
Don't push your luck, mate!
This man is theatrical producer Sir Michael Craze.
Sir Michael currently has over 3,000 musicals running in the West End.
'Ere's one for ya!
How about a musical version of the film ''Scum''?
Excuse me, I wasn't expecting anybody.
# 4737, Carling, sir I'm the daddy round here
# Where's your effing tool? What effing tool?
# Don't go into the greenhouse, greenhouse, greenhouse... #
I'm not looking to put anything on just now.
Got another one. ''Ceefax, the Musical''!
We open on a giant Ceefax.
A thousand Vietnamese children come on in rags.
# Page 142, weather Page 220, joke time... #
- That's not quite right for the West End. - A thousand Vietnamese children in rags?
I'm very busy today. You need to make a proper appointment.
Did you not get the tape I sent you? Name's Waterhouse.
Oh, yes. It was very kind of you, but...
Got another one. ''Musical, the Musical!''
A giant musical flies in.
A thousand Vietnamese children in rags swarm the stage.
# Musical, musical... #
- That's quite expensive. - One Vietnamese children swarms the stage.
# Musical, musical... #
- No. - Got another one.
- A musical adaptation of David Baddiel? - No.
Got another one. ''Dangerous Liaisons, the Musical.''
This is the sort of thing we're looking for. This sounds interesting.
Yeah, I've done a set for it.
- So he comes in here... - Who's this?
The character of the Giant Hand.
Stay with me. Stay with me. Please.
Meanwhile, at this sexual health clinic in Llandewi Breffi...
OK... So before we give you the test, we do have to ask you a few questions.
Don't worry. It's all confidential, OK?
- So... Age? - 25.
- Occupation? - Gay.
No. What do you do?
Oh, I see. I am an unemployed out gay man.
And how many sexual partners have you had in the past year?
None.
How many have you had in the past five years?
Past five years, you say...
Excluding myself?
Yes.
None.
Have you had any sexual partners?
No. I'm the only gay in the village, you see.
What, from Llandewi? Oh, no, we've had loads of folk in from there.
I don't think so.
If you haven't had any sexual partners, I don't think you need the test.
Oh, go on, please. I am a gay, you know.
OK. Give me your arm.
Make a fist.
Now, you may feel a prick,
but there's a first time for everything.
Hello.
I just had the test. I do hope everything's gonna be all right.
Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Though, of course, it does just need to be that one time.
Yeah.
Small children in Britain are notoriously stupid and must attend schools.
At Robert Downey Junior School in Area 52, it's prize-giving day
which is to be hosted by retired athlete Denver Mills.
- Miss Bingham! This is Dennis Mills. - Denver Mills.
- Who? - Denver Mills. I won the 400 metres silver.
- Los Angeles '84. - Where's Fatima Whitbread?
Guernsey. She had no idea about today. That's Jayne Torvill Management for you!
- You know what to do? - Yeah, speech, prizes, piece of piss!
Could I have a quick look at your speech?
Yeah. I say ''good afternoon'', then I start with a gag.
I say, ''If this was a state school, I'd be afraid to park my car outside.''
- This IS a state school. - That's gone!
- Steve Cram, remind me. - Crammy? The Cramster?
Won the 1500 metre gold, used to promote ''Start''?
I don't think the children will remember him.
Shame! The story ends with Steve completely covered in...
- Covered in? - No, I can't tell... No.
Now, this is a great bit. It's quite political.
In my village there's a lot of these so-called asylum seekers...
I don't think that'll be relevant here.
- It went down well at the countryside march. - No, sorry.
This is all still...asylum seekers.
Now, this gag I may or may not do, depending on how things...
''The French relay team. Do action.''
What's the action?
As I say, that was always in the balance.
''Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech.''
- Got a problem with that? - No, that's fine.
Right, I'll just go and introduce you.
''Good afternoon. Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech.''
Right, then, boys and girls. We have a very special guest.
Please welcome Dennis Mills!
Hello, Jayne. It's Denver.
Is it too late to pull out of the school?
With the hospital lift out of order,
Lou has pushed his friend Andy up three flights of stairs.
What a kerfuffle! They should get that lift fixed.
- What are we doing? - Remember Maria who looked after you?
She's not been well, so we're taking her some flowers.
Then can we go?
Yeah. I'll go and find out what ward she's on.
Excuse me, Nurse. Can you tell me where I might find Maria Donnelly, please?
Yes, she's in Griffiths Ward. Next floor up.
- Oh, thanks. - OK.
- Up one more flight, I'm afraid. - Oh, no.
Yeah.
At home in Byright, Eileen is comforting her recently bereaved sister Janet.
I tell you what. Why don't I put the kettle on, make us both a nice cup of tea?
Yeah. Lovely.
Like a nice biscuit to go with it? Nice Penguin?
(SOBS LOUDLY)
- What now, love? - Ivor used to love Penguins.
- Always makes me think of him. - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we'll have it without. We'll have tea on its own. Don't mind it in a mug, do you?
(SOBS LOUDLY)
Ivor used to have his tea in a mug, except when he had it in a cup and saucer.
Yeah, I understand, love. I understand.
It's a lovely day. Why don't we go outside? We could go down the shops.
(WAILS)
Me and Ivor used to go down the shops when we needed to buy things.
Yeah, you would have done, yeah.
Yeah. We'll stay in, I'll get the paper and we'll see what's on the telly.
(HOWLS)
- Oh, dear. Ivor? - Ivor used to watch telly.
The news, the sport, dramas, comedy programmes, all sorts really, you know.
He was someone who liked telly. You know, that was Ivor.
I thought we'd agreed not to talk about Ivor.
Ohhhhh! Ivor!
That's the name of Ivor.
If ever I wanted to call him, I'd say, ''Ivor!''
- Yeah. - Yeah!
That's the word Ivor used to use when he wanted to answer in the affirmative,
when he wanted to respond in a casual manner as an alternative to the more formal ''yes''.
Silence! That's what Ivor used to crave when he didn't think...
Oh, sorry, I didn't recognise you. Yeah...
0ver at DIY Universe, the staff were enjoying their tea break.
Hiya, gang! Wicky woo!
I'm having an Options. Does anyone want one?
We don't have to go back yet, do we?
Oh, hello!
- I don't know you, do I? - No, I'm new.
Wicky woo, Des Kaye, pleased to meet you! Can I have me hand back, please?
Didn't you use to be on telly?
That's right. I used to present the ''Fun Bus''.
- Them Bubble Twins do it now. - Do they? I haven't watched it.
Yeah, me little sister loves them.
- Let me tell you about the Bubble Twins. - Kieran, it's time to get back.
We've still got ten minutes!
The Bubble Twins started off in 1986 doing a little bit on my show, ''Des Kaye's Fun Bus''.
You remember the bit, ''What's in the custard?''
- No, I don't think so. - You remember it, Al.
- No. - You do!
You're lying, you do. Come away, Croc! Basically, they used to pour the custard.
- I never watched it. - Good, 'cause they were rubbish!
Then I hear the ''Fun Bus'' has been pulled. ''Why is that?'' I hear you ask.
- Wasn't it 'cause that girl lost an eye? - No... Yeah.
Actually, it's because... ''Top of the morning! Where's me breakfast?''
Not now, Croc! I'm talking!
Very rude.
It's because Dicky Bubble is a queer...
- How do you know? - I see him in all the clubs.
And the head of Children's, Robin Dee, he's also queer.
He's got a wife, but he's queer.
Basically, Dicky Bubble said to Robin Dee, ''I'll fill your slot.''
Bum sex.
Hey presto, Des Kaye out of a job! So can we change the subject?
- Kettle's boiled. - Thank you.
So...
What's everybody doing later?
(VERY LOUD ) I said, ''What's everybody doing later?''
Ian! I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter and he says you're not allowed to use Sellotape.
What? Any?
Apparently not.
It's a shame. I was happy with that.
Oh, well, best start again, eh?
And so our tour of Britain is over for another week.
If you enjoyed the programme, you might like to know that the book accompanying the series
has not yet been written.
Goodbyes!
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