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Britain, Britain, Britain!
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Here are some facts about Britain
you may not know.
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Number one, Britain is a country.
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Number two, Britain is called Britain.
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Number five, Britain.
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But who are the people who live in Britain?
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0ver the next five hours, we aim to find out.
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Yeah!
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Vicky Pollard is moving up in the world
and has now graduated to borstal.
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Today she has been summoned
to the governess's office.
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Come in now, please, Vicky.
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Right, I've been hearing all sorts of stories
about a very serious incident in the canteen.
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Vicky, I'm going to ask you a question now
and I want a straight answer.
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Did you bite Jackie Hayes?
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I never even done nothin' or nothin'.
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Julie wrote this thing on the wall
about Lorraine being 100% minger.
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Samantha came into our dorm stirring it all up
and Karly found a pube in her lasagne.
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So Karly's involved in this?
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Karly ain't never done nothin'! Shut up!
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She was busy selling her phone cards
to that girl with the manky foot,
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but I was with Alison because she was sick.
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I never broke no chapel window.
Don't listen to Donna. She plays with matches!
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- Vicky, did you bite Jackie Hayes?
- Shut up! I didn't even know she got bit!
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This is like this film where this woman goes
into this place, then the video cut off.
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- Rachel said Denise done it with her brother.
- Would you go and fetch Jackie, please?
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- I don't know why you bother with Jackie.
- Yes, thank you, Vicky.
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Jackie, please tell me
what happened in the canteen this afternoon.
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I ain't never not even done nothin'! Shut up!
Don't listen to Sheryl! She's a scab!
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Oh, my God, I can't believe you just said that!
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- Sheryl ain't never even done nothin'!
- She was doing this other thing with Jaye.
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- Kelly said Elaine was a 100% cow!
- She's two-faced! I never stole no spoon!
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(BOTH) Don't listen to her! She's gone all lezzie!
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Piss off!
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- You fancy her.
- You do.
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You do. Everyone knows you finger yourself.
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If people in Britain want to buy a pet,
they go to a pet shop.
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If they want to buy a pet shop,
they go to a pet shop shop.
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If they want to buy a pet shop shop,
they're just being silly.
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You'll have to think of a name for this rabbit.
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- Name for it, yeah.
- I wonder where they are?
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- I want that one.
- That one?
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- Yeah.
- Well, that's a snake.
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- Yeah, I know.
- You don't like snakes. You're scared of them.
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Remember that film with all the snakes in it?
You said all serpents had an aura of evil.
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- Yeah, I know.
- Let's get a rabbit, then.
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- I want that one.
- Are you sure?
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Yeah.
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It's your birthday money. What will you call it?
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Thumper.
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We'll take the snake, please, yeah.
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I want a rabbit!
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10 Downing Street is
the home of the Prime Minister.
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The Prime Minister is, like, this guy
who's, like, in charge of, like, the whole country.
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So it is with great reluctance that I have decided
to accept the minister's resignation.
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I'll take a few questions.
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Boyd Hilton, ''Smash Hits''. Prime Minister,
did the Foreign Secretary lie to the House?
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I've answered that question. Next?
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00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:13,200
Greg Davis, ''Puzzler''.
Have you appointed a replacement?
59
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- We'll be making an announcement shortly.
- Angus Thomas, ''Kerrang!''
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- Who's next to go from your Cabinet?
- There will be no more resignations.
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Roy Sloan, ''Whizzer and Chips''. Have you lost
your strongest ally in the Cabinet?
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There is no rift in the Cabinet.
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Andrew Jarman, ''Dinosaur Magazine''.
What was your...?
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- I'm sorry, I don't know that one.
- It's new.
65
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You get a free binder with Part One.
You collect it over 24 weeks.
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It's everything you need
to know about dinosaurs.
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Oh, yes? Go ahead.
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Eh... Oh, I'm sorry. I've forgotten the question.
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Roger Wakeley, ''Asian Babes''.
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Given your support of yet another disgraced
minister, has your position become untenable?
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- Certainly not. One more question.
- George Paxton, ''Daily Telegraph''.
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Who's your favourite member of Westlife?
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It's five past Alberto and at ''FatFighters'',
the meeting is just beginning.
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Yeah, I know. They're all the same. Listen,
I'd better go. I've got my fat people here.
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So Johansen's here, Paul's here, Pat's here...
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- Where's Meera?
- She's in hospital having liposuction.
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Oh! I think it's such a shame the way people
feel the need to tamper with themselves.
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Tania's here.
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Who are you?
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This is the home of schoolteacher Edward Grant
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who recently caused a stir
by marrying one of his former pupils.
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Lucky bugger!
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- Problem?
- Another letter from Mum.
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For goodness sake! What is so strange
about a teacher marrying one of his ex-pupils?
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- Nothing.
- Sorry?
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- Nothing.
- Nothing what?
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- Nothing, sir.
- That's better.
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- What's this?
- Happy Valentine's Day, darling.
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Pop it in my pigeon-hole.
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Go on, open it now.
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Aw!
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''dear Edward...'' Capital D on ''dear''.
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''I love you with all my...heat''? Oh, ''heart''!
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Handwriting!
''Yours for ever...'' Comma! ''..Samantha.''
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Hmm, six out of ten.
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See me.
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- You do love me, don't you?
- If you have a question, put your hand up.
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- Erm... Yes, Samantha?
- Do you love me?
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- Yes.
- How much?
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OK...
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''How much do you love me?'' Well...
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Let's say that this is ''love'' here
and this is ''time'' here.
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Now, this is where we first met.
This is that detention we shared together.
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Dropped a little here when I didn't cast you
in the school play. School trip to Calais.
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Parents' evening, wedding day,
wedding night and this is where we are now,
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so, as you see, as time has progressed,
love has increased.
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- Put your chalk down and come back to bed!
- Sorry, I got carried away.
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Are you chewing?
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Into my hand!
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It's one two o'clock,
and at Kelsey Grammar School,
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a young pupil has an appointment
with his careers adviser.
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- Sorry I'm late, sir.
- Make sure it doesn't happen again.
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- Take a seat.
- Thank you, sir.
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What do you have in mind?
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Well, ever since I was small,
I've wanted to go into catering.
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In the future, there will be no jobs for humans
in the catering industry, only robots.
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Oh.
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- Does that include catering in hotels?
- Er, yes.
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Well, the other thing I was thinking of
was engineering.
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There will be no jobs for humans.
We will inherit the earth.
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Oh, dear.
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This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
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Thank you, sir.
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- Tuck your shirt in.
- Sir.
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I am a robot.
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Yeah.
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In Herby city centre lies this library.
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The word ''library'' is derived from the Latin,
''libres'', meaning ''ssh''.
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So...have you seen anything you fancy?
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- Yeah, I want that one.
- That one?
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Yeah.
132
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- That is a book on Chinese history.
- Yeah, I know.
133
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- How do you know? You weren't looking at it!
- Yeah, I know.
134
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It all looks a bit involved, really.
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How about that book I was telling you about
in the van, about the cave boy in a rubbish tip?
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- ''Stig of the Dumps.''
- And I want that one!
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00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:32,200
That is ''Chinese Language and its Origins''.
138
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Again it, uh...it might be a little bit hard for you.
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- I want it!
- All right, you've got these two.
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You're allowed one more.
Shall we look for ''Stig of the Dumps''?
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That one!
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- That one?
- Yeah.
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00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,500
- That is the same one as you've got there.
- Yeah, I know.
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Well...
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- Are you sure you want these three?
- Yeah.
146
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- You're positive?
- Yeah.
147
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All right, let's go and get them stamped.
148
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,200
- So are you happy with your choices?
- Yeah.
149
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- Are you sticking with these three?
- Yeah.
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Good.
151
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I can't read.
152
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So that's a table for two at eight. Thank you.
153
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Can't wait.
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Anything for my little star pupil.
155
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Would you, uh...like to draw the curtains?
156
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Oh!
157
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This is our timetable for the evening.
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7 p.m., coach leaves for restaurant. Anybody not
on the coach at that time will be left behind.
159
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,100
It's not Mufti Day, is it? 7.30 p.m.,
arrive at restaurant... And get a haircut!
160
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:59,400
Council estates are where the old, thick
and bone idle are forced to live.
161
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:12,800
This flat on the seventh floor is the home
of brother and sister Bernard and Kitty Chumley.
162
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- (LOUD THUMPING)
- Yes, I heard it, Kitty!
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00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:21,500
Hello. Meals on Wheels for Kitty Chumley.
164
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Ah, yes, yes.
165
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Do...do come in, yes.
166
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So what is it today, then?
167
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Oxtail soup for starters and then
shepherd's pie with cabbage and swede.
168
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,500
I don't like swedes.
I mean, Kitty doesn't like swedes.
169
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And there's a choice of Arctic roll or a peach.
170
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Arctic roll, obviously.
171
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Thank you.
172
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:51,600
- So how is your sister today?
- I didn't do it!
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00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:54,400
No. How is she?
174
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Oh, I see. Still not walking,
but I think a lot of it's psychological.
175
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- Can I see her?
- Oh, no, no, no. She's biting today.
176
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- Thank you so much.
- Have you got yesterday's plates?
177
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Oh, yes.
178
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We do ask that they're returned clean.
179
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:25,800
By the way, the jam roly-poly was delicious.
180
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:32,700
..Kitty said. If anything, there could
have been more of that...she added.
181
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:37,100
- They tell me you were an actor.
- I'm an actor, yes!
182
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:39,700
Right. Are you in anything at the moment?
183
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:43,900
Bits and bobs, you know.
Well, thank you very much. Good day.
184
00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:48,900
Mr Chumley, I think you might qualify yourself
for the Meals on Wheels service.
185
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I'm 43.
186
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,700
I'll see you again soon, then.
187
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,800
- Bit dry!
- Sorry?
188
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,600
..Kitty says.
189
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,500
Everybody in Britain loves the royal family.
190
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:17,300
They are the cleverest, strongest,
loveliest, most selfish people in Britain.
191
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:21,300
Today, Her Majesty the Queen
is hosting a royal garden party.
192
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:25,300
- Carry on.
- Hello, sir. Can I see your invitation?
193
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:28,200
- I trust everything is going well?
- Fine, sir.
194
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,800
Nobody's trying to sneak in without an invitation?
195
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,300
- Not yet, sir.
- Keep up the good work.
196
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:37,100
I'm Peter Andre,
royal correspondent for the BBC?
197
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,900
I'm not allowed to let anyone in
without an invitation, sir.
198
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:45,600
I don't want to draw attention to myself.
Hello! Yeah, I'll be in in a minute!
199
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,000
But Philip personally invited me.
200
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,700
You probably don't know
who I'm talking about - Princess Philip.
201
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:55,400
Oh, yes? And what did he say?
202
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,600
He said, ''We're having a party.
Just pop round any time after four.''
203
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,600
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Anne and I are very much in love.
204
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,300
Step aside, please.
205
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:09,100
# I want you, Anne, and I need you, Anne
Please don't hurt me, Anne... #
206
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:13,100
- Step aside, please, sir!
- I must give her these drawings!
207
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:17,300
- Good afternoon, Miss Bond. Straight through.
- Thank you very much.
208
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:21,200
- Jennie! Jennie!
- Sorry, Peter, I can't help you now.
209
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,900
- Probably best to go home, sir.
- Yes.
210
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,400
And, uh, put some trousers on, will you?
211
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:45,000
If your car doesn't already have a boot,
you can buy one at a car-boot sale.
212
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:49,800
Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig
is getting rid of some old junk.
213
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,900
- Anything take your fancy, sir?
- No, thanks, I'm just looking.
214
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:56,700
Humorous book about cricket?
215
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,400
- Foreword by John Major.
- No, thanks.
216
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,900
Complete set of ''Blackadder'' there.
217
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,200
Yeah, OK, I'll take them. No, hang on.
There's no ''Blackadder III''. I'll leave it.
218
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:17,900
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes,
not around the eyes, look into my eyes.
219
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:21,900
You're under. What you see
is a complete set of ''Blackadder'' videos.
220
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:26,200
There was no ''Blackadder III''.
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
221
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,800
OK, I'll take them.
222
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:35,200
- There you go.
- Cheers.
223
00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:37,500
Lovely.
224
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:40,200
You, uh... You like ''Red Dwarf''?
225
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:45,000
We've got the whole first series there,
including ''Smeg Ups''.
226
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,000
Oh, no, I've got these. I taped them off the telly.
227
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:53,300
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes,
not around the eyes, into my eyes. You're under.
228
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:58,100
You did not tape ''Red Dwarf'' off the TV, you
cheapskate! Three, two, one, back in the room!
229
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,800
OK. I'll take those as well. There you go.
230
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,800
Thank you.
231
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:11,900
I, uh...I see you're a bit of a comedy fan.
232
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:14,900
- How about that?
- No, I saw that. It was rubbish.
233
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,800
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes,
not around the eyes, into my eyes. You're under.
234
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:24,200
Paul Merton in the ''Blood Donor'' was hilarious
and just as funny as Tony Hancock.
235
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,200
Three, two, one, you're back in the room!
236
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,800
Don't push your luck, mate!
237
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:39,700
This man is theatrical producer
Sir Michael Craze.
238
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:44,500
Sir Michael currently has over 3,000 musicals
running in the West End.
239
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,700
'Ere's one for ya!
240
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:52,400
How about a musical version of the film ''Scum''?
241
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,500
Excuse me, I wasn't expecting anybody.
242
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:59,500
# 4737, Carling, sir
I'm the daddy round here
243
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,000
# Where's your effing tool? What effing tool?
244
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,000
# Don't go into the greenhouse,
greenhouse, greenhouse... #
245
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:07,900
I'm not looking to put anything on just now.
246
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:10,500
Got another one. ''Ceefax, the Musical''!
247
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,000
We open on a giant Ceefax.
248
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000
A thousand Vietnamese children come on in rags.
249
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:20,200
# Page 142, weather
Page 220, joke time... #
250
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:25,300
- That's not quite right for the West End.
- A thousand Vietnamese children in rags?
251
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:28,300
I'm very busy today.
You need to make a proper appointment.
252
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:31,700
Did you not get the tape I sent you?
Name's Waterhouse.
253
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,900
Oh, yes. It was very kind of you, but...
254
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:38,900
Got another one. ''Musical, the Musical!''
255
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:41,700
A giant musical flies in.
256
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:45,900
A thousand Vietnamese children in rags
swarm the stage.
257
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,100
# Musical, musical... #
258
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:53,800
- That's quite expensive.
- One Vietnamese children swarms the stage.
259
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,100
# Musical, musical... #
260
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:58,600
- No.
- Got another one.
261
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,400
- A musical adaptation of David Baddiel?
- No.
262
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,400
Got another one.
''Dangerous Liaisons, the Musical.''
263
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,500
This is the sort of thing we're looking for.
This sounds interesting.
264
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,900
Yeah, I've done a set for it.
265
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:14,700
- So he comes in here...
- Who's this?
266
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,100
The character of the Giant Hand.
267
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:22,600
Stay with me. Stay with me. Please.
268
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:28,900
Meanwhile, at this sexual health clinic
in Llandewi Breffi...
269
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:38,100
OK... So before we give you the test,
we do have to ask you a few questions.
270
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,800
Don't worry. It's all confidential, OK?
271
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,400
- So... Age?
- 25.
272
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,800
- Occupation?
- Gay.
273
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,200
No. What do you do?
274
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:53,100
Oh, I see. I am an unemployed out gay man.
275
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:59,300
And how many sexual partners
have you had in the past year?
276
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,500
None.
277
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,800
How many have you had in the past five years?
278
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,300
Past five years, you say...
279
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,400
Excluding myself?
280
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,700
Yes.
281
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,700
None.
282
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,700
Have you had any sexual partners?
283
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:32,700
No. I'm the only gay in the village, you see.
284
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:37,100
What, from Llandewi?
Oh, no, we've had loads of folk in from there.
285
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:39,400
I don't think so.
286
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:44,000
If you haven't had any sexual partners,
I don't think you need the test.
287
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,700
Oh, go on, please. I am a gay, you know.
288
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,900
OK. Give me your arm.
289
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,300
Make a fist.
290
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:59,300
Now, you may feel a prick,
291
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,300
but there's a first time for everything.
292
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,200
Hello.
293
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:14,600
I just had the test.
I do hope everything's gonna be all right.
294
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,400
Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.
295
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,400
Though, of course,
it does just need to be that one time.
296
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,400
Yeah.
297
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:28,900
Small children in Britain are
notoriously stupid and must attend schools.
298
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:34,100
At Robert Downey Junior School in Area 52,
it's prize-giving day
299
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:37,900
which is to be hosted by retired athlete
Denver Mills.
300
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,300
- Miss Bingham! This is Dennis Mills.
- Denver Mills.
301
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:45,300
- Who?
- Denver Mills. I won the 400 metres silver.
302
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,500
- Los Angeles '84.
- Where's Fatima Whitbread?
303
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:53,300
Guernsey. She had no idea about today.
That's Jayne Torvill Management for you!
304
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:57,500
- You know what to do?
- Yeah, speech, prizes, piece of piss!
305
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:00,100
Could I have a quick look at your speech?
306
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:03,100
Yeah. I say ''good afternoon'',
then I start with a gag.
307
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:07,500
I say, ''If this was a state school,
I'd be afraid to park my car outside.''
308
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,100
- This IS a state school.
- That's gone!
309
00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:13,100
- Steve Cram, remind me.
- Crammy? The Cramster?
310
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:16,500
Won the 1500 metre gold,
used to promote ''Start''?
311
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,300
I don't think the children will remember him.
312
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:22,900
Shame! The story ends
with Steve completely covered in...
313
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:25,900
- Covered in?
- No, I can't tell... No.
314
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,600
Now, this is a great bit. It's quite political.
315
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,500
In my village there's a lot
of these so-called asylum seekers...
316
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,100
I don't think that'll be relevant here.
317
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:38,100
- It went down well at the countryside march.
- No, sorry.
318
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,900
This is all still...asylum seekers.
319
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:47,200
Now, this gag I may or may not do,
depending on how things...
320
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,100
''The French relay team. Do action.''
321
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:52,000
What's the action?
322
00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:57,200
As I say, that was always in the balance.
323
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,500
''Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech.''
324
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:04,100
- Got a problem with that?
- No, that's fine.
325
00:22:04,700 --> 00:22:07,400
Right, I'll just go and introduce you.
326
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,600
''Good afternoon.
Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech.''
327
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:17,000
Right, then, boys and girls.
We have a very special guest.
328
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,000
Please welcome Dennis Mills!
329
00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:23,500
Hello, Jayne. It's Denver.
330
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:25,700
Is it too late to pull out of the school?
331
00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:28,900
With the hospital lift out of order,
332
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:32,400
Lou has pushed his friend Andy
up three flights of stairs.
333
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,400
What a kerfuffle!
They should get that lift fixed.
334
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,500
- What are we doing?
- Remember Maria who looked after you?
335
00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:42,500
She's not been well,
so we're taking her some flowers.
336
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:45,300
Then can we go?
337
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:48,200
Yeah. I'll go and find out what ward she's on.
338
00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:54,000
Excuse me, Nurse. Can you tell me
where I might find Maria Donnelly, please?
339
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,000
Yes, she's in Griffiths Ward. Next floor up.
340
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:59,600
- Oh, thanks.
- OK.
341
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,300
- Up one more flight, I'm afraid.
- Oh, no.
342
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:03,800
Yeah.
343
00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:12,800
At home in Byright, Eileen is comforting
her recently bereaved sister Janet.
344
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:17,500
I tell you what. Why don't I put the kettle on,
make us both a nice cup of tea?
345
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,600
Yeah. Lovely.
346
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,500
Like a nice biscuit to go with it? Nice Penguin?
347
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,700
(SOBS LOUDLY)
348
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,500
- What now, love?
- Ivor used to love Penguins.
349
00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:33,700
- Always makes me think of him.
- Oh, yeah.
350
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:39,100
Yeah, we'll have it without. We'll have tea
on its own. Don't mind it in a mug, do you?
351
00:23:39,100 --> 00:23:41,300
(SOBS LOUDLY)
352
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:47,100
Ivor used to have his tea in a mug,
except when he had it in a cup and saucer.
353
00:23:47,100 --> 00:23:49,800
Yeah, I understand, love. I understand.
354
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:54,600
It's a lovely day. Why don't we go outside?
We could go down the shops.
355
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,800
(WAILS)
356
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:03,600
Me and Ivor used to go down the shops
when we needed to buy things.
357
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,200
Yeah, you would have done, yeah.
358
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:10,800
Yeah. We'll stay in, I'll get the paper
and we'll see what's on the telly.
359
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,800
(HOWLS)
360
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:17,300
- Oh, dear. Ivor?
- Ivor used to watch telly.
361
00:24:17,300 --> 00:24:23,600
The news, the sport, dramas, comedy
programmes, all sorts really, you know.
362
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:27,100
He was someone who liked telly.
You know, that was Ivor.
363
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:30,100
I thought we'd agreed not to talk about Ivor.
364
00:24:30,100 --> 00:24:32,400
Ohhhhh! Ivor!
365
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,000
That's the name of Ivor.
366
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,600
If ever I wanted to call him, I'd say, ''Ivor!''
367
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,600
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
368
00:24:41,700 --> 00:24:46,800
That's the word Ivor used to use
when he wanted to answer in the affirmative,
369
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:51,800
when he wanted to respond in a casual manner
as an alternative to the more formal ''yes''.
370
00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:03,100
Silence! That's what Ivor used to crave
when he didn't think...
371
00:25:03,100 --> 00:25:05,800
Oh, sorry, I didn't recognise you. Yeah...
372
00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:12,800
0ver at DIY Universe,
the staff were enjoying their tea break.
373
00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:15,600
Hiya, gang! Wicky woo!
374
00:25:17,900 --> 00:25:20,400
I'm having an Options. Does anyone want one?
375
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,300
We don't have to go back yet, do we?
376
00:25:26,300 --> 00:25:28,400
Oh, hello!
377
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,400
- I don't know you, do I?
- No, I'm new.
378
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:36,500
Wicky woo, Des Kaye, pleased to meet you!
Can I have me hand back, please?
379
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:39,200
Didn't you use to be on telly?
380
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,000
That's right. I used to present the ''Fun Bus''.
381
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,800
- Them Bubble Twins do it now.
- Do they? I haven't watched it.
382
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,300
Yeah, me little sister loves them.
383
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:54,300
- Let me tell you about the Bubble Twins.
- Kieran, it's time to get back.
384
00:25:54,300 --> 00:25:56,700
We've still got ten minutes!
385
00:25:57,700 --> 00:26:04,000
The Bubble Twins started off in 1986 doing
a little bit on my show, ''Des Kaye's Fun Bus''.
386
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,700
You remember the bit, ''What's in the custard?''
387
00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:09,400
- No, I don't think so.
- You remember it, Al.
388
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,600
- No.
- You do!
389
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:17,100
You're lying, you do. Come away, Croc!
Basically, they used to pour the custard.
390
00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:20,100
- I never watched it.
- Good, 'cause they were rubbish!
391
00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:26,500
Then I hear the ''Fun Bus'' has been pulled.
''Why is that?'' I hear you ask.
392
00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:30,500
- Wasn't it 'cause that girl lost an eye?
- No... Yeah.
393
00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:34,700
Actually, it's because...
''Top of the morning! Where's me breakfast?''
394
00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:37,500
Not now, Croc! I'm talking!
395
00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:40,100
Very rude.
396
00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:44,800
It's because Dicky Bubble is a queer...
397
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,800
- How do you know?
- I see him in all the clubs.
398
00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:51,600
And the head of Children's,
Robin Dee, he's also queer.
399
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,200
He's got a wife, but he's queer.
400
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:58,000
Basically, Dicky Bubble said to Robin Dee,
''I'll fill your slot.''
401
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:00,600
Bum sex.
402
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:05,900
Hey presto, Des Kaye out of a job!
So can we change the subject?
403
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,000
- Kettle's boiled.
- Thank you.
404
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,100
So...
405
00:27:17,100 --> 00:27:19,600
What's everybody doing later?
406
00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:29,600
(VERY LOUD )
I said, ''What's everybody doing later?''
407
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:41,100
Ian! I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter
and he says you're not allowed to use Sellotape.
408
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,200
What? Any?
409
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,600
Apparently not.
410
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,200
It's a shame. I was happy with that.
411
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,800
Oh, well, best start again, eh?
412
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:55,500
And so our tour of Britain
is over for another week.
413
00:27:55,500 --> 00:28:00,300
If you enjoyed the programme, you might like
to know that the book accompanying the series
414
00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:02,500
has not yet been written.
415
00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:04,400
Goodbyes!
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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