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Britain, Britain, Britain!
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Discovered by Sir Henry Britain in 16-010.
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Sold to Germany a year later
for a pfennig and the promise of a kiss.
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Destroyed in 1830-42
and rebuilt a week later by a man.
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This we know. Hello.
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But what of the people of Britain?
Who they? What do? And why?
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Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister
is having a meeting with the Chancellor.
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When I say ''the Prime Minister'',
I don't mean the real Prime Minister.
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I just mean that guy out of ''Buffy''.
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So, in principle, the budget is approved, is it?
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Yes, though you might like to have a look
at the focus-group report that's come through.
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Do you have that, Sebastian?
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Oh! That should make for interesting reading,
Prime Minister (!)
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- Is that all?
- Yes.
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Though I must say, Robert,
I do feel rather undermined
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that you consistently distance yourself
from me in public.
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If you're gonna stand against me
for the leadership, come out and say so.
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Yeah!
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Prime Minister, if and when I have ambitions
for the leadership, you'll be the first to know.
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- Yeah, right (!)
- Thank you, Sebastian.
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- Yeah, but, you know, he's so two-faced.
- Yes, thank you.
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I heard you had a private meeting
with the Home Secretary this morning.
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- The question of leadership never arose.
- Oh, you lying cow!
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- Sebastian!
- I don't know what you're getting het up about.
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- The public won't vote for him.
- Why not?
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Well, look at you!
You're overweight, you're losing your hair.
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The Prime Minister is gorgeous.
Well, I wouldn't know, but he is.
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Maybe if I was to stand,
it would be about policies, not presentation.
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- So you ARE standing?
- I didn't say that.
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Just try it, just try it!
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If you must know, I AM going to stand.
I shall announce it in the House tomorrow.
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Sebastian, would you like
to show the ex-Chancellor out now?
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Get out!
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That showed her! Right, we're gonna book you
a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, the works!
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Here we are at the offices
of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
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I had an agent once
before I made the mistake of strangling her.
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Well, I'm sorry, but Richard O'Sullivan doesn't
get out of bed for less than £50. Good day!
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Ah, Dennis! Do come in, dear heart.
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Lovely to see you. Take a seat.
I've got some wonderful news.
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- I got you an ice cream.
- Oh, thank you.
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Oh, yours looks bigger than mine.
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No, it's the same size.
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Anyway, I've had a fax this morning
from Euston Films.
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Now, where is it?
Can you hold this a moment, please?
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- Here we are.
- I don't think I can hold it for much longer.
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Just pop it down.
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''Sonia Chance, the new head of ITV, has
requested a new series of 'Minder' for the spring.
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''Would Dennis be interested?''
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I don't want any more.
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Oh, well, just give it here.
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I've done a ring round. George Cole's on board
and they're talking to Dave the Barman's people.
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Oh, that's nice. They want me to star in it,
write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
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Well, yes, I imagine they do.
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They're very keen.
Sonia Chance has been ringing me all morning.
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- (PHONE RINGS)
- That'll probably be her now.
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Hello...? Sonia!
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- Yes, he's right here.
- Let me speak to her.
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Passing you over.
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Hello, Sonia?
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Oh, so you want me
to reprise my role as Terry McCann?
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Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
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No, thanks. I've moved on.
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Those are buses, but, anyway,
at his surgery in Darkley Noone,
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Dr Alburn is examining one of his patients.
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OK, Vicky, you can put the clothes back on.
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Now, after having had a good look at you,
it's pretty obvious to me what the diagnosis is.
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I've got the lurgy. Yeah.
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I knew 'cause we was all down the arcade
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and Kelly flobbed on Destiny and a bit landed
in my hair 'cause Kelly hates Destiny.
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Destiny told Warren that Kelly pads her bra.
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Nathan put his hand down there
and pulled out a bag of Jelly Tots.
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Uh...
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No, Vicky, I have to tell you,
you are in fact eight months pregnant.
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No, you can only get pregnant
by sitting in someone else's bath water.
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If anyone's pregnant, it's Jo Rowley 'cause
she had her hand down Ashley's trackie bottoms.
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Well, you are pregnant, so you must have had
sexual intercourse eight months ago.
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No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but,
yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but...
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No, because apart from that one time
eight months ago, I'm a complete virgin.
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- So you have had sex at least once?
- Yeah, as a joke!
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God, this is like being back at school!
You know Trish?
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- Trish who?
- Trish. Trish Trish.
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- Trish. Rochelle and Trish?
- No.
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She ain't got nothin' to do with it.
She weren't even there!
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She dared Melody she wouldn't nick a Hubba
Bubba off Darren, but Darren ain't got no pubes.
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Vicky, I would strongly advise you for the sake
of your baby to give up smoking and drinking.
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I so can't believe you just said that! I smoked
like once for two years when I was like nine.
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I only drink to numb the pain of
my worthless life, so you're well out of order!
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Right, what I'm going to do
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is I am going to refer you
to our Young Mothers' Unit at the City Hospital.
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You'll have to pop down there this afternoon.
Is there someone who can accompany you?
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I'm not asking Shelley 'cause she's a slag!
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OK, someone else. Perhaps your mother?
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That IS my mother.
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In Hamham, ex-0lympic athlete Denver Mills
has been booked to give an after-dinner speech.
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- ..completely covered in...
- Save it for the speech, Denver.
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- You don't want to go through it first?
- No, I trust you. I'll just introduce you.
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A little bit of hush, ladies and gentlemen.
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That includes you, Detective Inspector Willow!
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(LAUGHTER)
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OK, it is time to introduce you
to our special guest speaker of the evening.
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You may have seen him
on ''They Think It's All Over''.
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Please give it up for Olympic silver medallist,
Denver Mills!
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(APPLAUSE)
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Evening, all!
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It's great to be here. You know, when I was
a lad, I always dreamed of going into the force.
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But maybe being an Olympic athlete
isn't so different from being a police officer.
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First of all, we both get a lot of practice
running after black guys.
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The difference is I beat some of mine.
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I mean caught up with them,
not beat them like you do!
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I'll just go.
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Excuse me.
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Since cigarette smoking
has become mandatory,
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newsagents in Britain have flourished.
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Right, now, you know
it's Declan's birthday coming up.
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- Who?
- Declan, your brother.
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- Yeah, I know.
- It's his birthday. You've got to get him a card.
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- Can you see any you like?
- I want that one.
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- That one?
- Yeah.
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- That says ''With deepest sympathy''.
- Yeah, I know.
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That's what you send someone
when somebody's died.
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I want that one.
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I'm not sure Declan's gonna like that.
It's gonna send out the wrong message.
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Declan likes sailing boats.
Why don't we get one with sailing boats?
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I want that one!
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This one's got a sailing boat.
He likes sailing boats.
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That one!
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Are you sure this is the card
you want to send Declan for his birthday?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah!
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It's his birthday, he's not dead!
130
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Meanwhile, ''FatFighters'' course leader Marjorie
Dawes has popped into her local supermarket
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to pick up a few sundries...and ''mondries''
and ''tuesdries'' and ''wednesdries''.
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Oh, hello!
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- Sorry, do I know you?
- I come to ''FatFighters''.
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Oh, yes, Paul, isn't it?
135
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Sorry, so many people come to class
that I can't possibly remember everybody.
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- Is this yours?
- Eh?
137
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No, no. This is my trolley over here.
138
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Oh, hello! What's his name?
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Baby.
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Oh!
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- This is gonna have a lot of calories!
- Yeah, it's for the baby.
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Anyway, what's all this? Eh? Oh, dear!
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- We've found your Achilles foot, haven't we?
- It's just a Tracker bar.
144
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- ''Just a Tracker bar!'' Why do I bother?
- Well, I'll put it back, then.
145
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Don't come to ''FatFighters'' if you just stuff
your face when my back is turned!
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If that's how you feel, maybe I shouldn't come.
147
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No, do, do. We need to keep the numbers up.
148
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- OK. Bye, then.
- Goodbye.
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Hello, Marjorie.
150
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Oh, hi, Meera.
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Not mine.
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Another man put them there or... I don't know.
153
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Scotland is a smashing place to take a holiday
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and regularly wins the award for
''Best Scottish holiday destination''.
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(RUMBLE OF THUNDER)
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So what happened?
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It was a Sunday afternoon and we were
all sat round watching the telly box.
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- What were we watching, children?
- ''Naked Video.''
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The ''Naked Video Comedy Show''.
The sprites were a-talking and a-laughing.
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And then all of a sudden, pfff...!
All was darkness in the Kingdom of the Sprites.
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- The screen went dead?
- Yes!
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''Awaken, sprites!'' I cried
and tried to tempt them out like so.
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(PLAYS TUNE: ''THE BIRDY SONG'')
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Oh, come out, ye sprites, ye naughty sprites!
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(PLAYS TUNE)
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00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:15,100
- And that didnae work?
- I'd love to say yes.
167
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But, unfortunately, the answer is no.
168
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,900
You've got a faulty connection. Try it now.
169
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:29,600
Argh! It's the arch-wizard himself!
Avert thine eyes, children!
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He enters a room and with a budget
of just £500, he makes it ''transform-ed''.
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He is truly the master of the black arts.
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(PLAYS SLIDING NOTE)
173
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Right, you said you had another TV
you wanted me to look at.
174
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Yes. 'Tis a curious thing.
175
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By day, 'tis bright, but by night,
'tis as black as a black man's cape.
176
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That is a window. You do know that, don't you?
177
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Ye-e-es.
178
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,600
Psychiatrist Dr Lawrence lives with his children
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00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:14,600
in this delightful old cottage
here in Flatley Village.
180
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,500
Just look at it! What a beauty!
I'd love to have one like that.
181
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:23,400
Now, we've got a special guest
coming to stay with us this weekend
182
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,000
who lives at the hospital where Daddy works.
183
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,000
Her name is Anne and we've got to be
extra special nice to her, OK?
184
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:33,800
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- Say hello to Anne.
185
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,000
- Hello.
- Hello.
186
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,200
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
187
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,600
She's nice, isn't she? Hmm?
188
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:46,400
Oh, yes, Anne loves goldfish. She looks
after the one at the hospital. Don't you?
189
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,100
Here we go. Anne's painted a picture for you.
190
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,200
Say thank you.
191
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,200
Thank you.
192
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:02,600
Don't touch the middle of it.
193
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,100
Back at DIY Universe, Des Kaye is hard at work.
194
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,900
- Excuse me. Where are the barbecues?
- Over by the...
195
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,500
- Des!
- Robin Dee.
196
00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:20,500
How is everything over at Children's? I see
the Bubble Twins are doing well for themselves.
197
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:24,800
- Yeah, still pulling in the viewers.
- This is the longest one they've got.
198
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,000
Dicky Bubble!
199
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,100
Hello, Des!
200
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:33,900
Oh, so you two just happen to be
in the same shop on the same day.
201
00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:36,200
Oh, what a coincidence!
202
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,600
No. We're a couple.
203
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:44,100
- My divorce came through.
- Oh, so you just... Oh.
204
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,500
Are you working here now then, Des?
205
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:49,800
(PA) Des Kaye to the stockroom, please.
206
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:52,700
No.
207
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,300
You must come in for a meeting sometime.
208
00:14:56,300 --> 00:15:01,000
Oh, erm, I've actually got a big new show
in development for ITV.
209
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,400
Well, uh, good luck with it.
210
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000
Cheerio, Des.
211
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,900
But if you've got any money...
212
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,700
Thanks.
213
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,300
Those two are shoplifters.
214
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:46,000
As the sun sets in southern Britain, for those
in the north, the day is just beginning.
215
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,500
Right. I've got the brochures here.
216
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,600
Now, let's have a look
and see where you wanna go.
217
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,700
That one.
218
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:01,400
- You wanna go there?
- Yeah, that one.
219
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,200
- Well, that is Helsinki.
- Yeah, I know.
220
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,700
- You wanna go to Helsinki?
- Yeah.
221
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,800
We've got loads of brochures here.
We haven't even looked yet.
222
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:17,800
We could go to Rome or Barcelona or Florida.
You can go to Florida very cheap now.
223
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,900
Helsinki.
224
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:25,800
But you said Finland had a maudlin quality to it
and it was unsuitable as a holiday destination.
225
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,400
- Yeah, I know.
- Where do you wanna go?
226
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,300
- Helsinki.
- You're sticking with Helsinki?
227
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:32,900
Helsinki.
228
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,500
I wanna go to Florida!
229
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,800
At Kelsey Grammar School,
Mr Cleeves is busy taking the register.
230
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,800
- Unman.
- Here.
231
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,800
- Wittering.
- Here.
232
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,500
And Zigo, absent.
233
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,800
Hurry up, come along.
234
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,700
Thank you.
Just a couple of points from the headmaster.
235
00:16:56,700 --> 00:17:01,700
Any boys who signed for the school trip
to the moon need to pay their deposit by Friday.
236
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:03,600
That's £5.
237
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:08,500
The bring-and-buy sale on Sunday
in the car park raised over 36 million pounds
238
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,600
for Ethiopian famine. Well done.
239
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,200
''Minewhile'', at the offices
of the Royal Shakespeare Company...
240
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,800
- Found your Boy yet?
- Sorry, who are you?
241
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,700
- We sent you a letter.
- Did you?
242
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:26,100
Yes, we did do. Raif wanted to audition
for the part of the Boy in ''Henry V''.
243
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:29,700
- I'm afraid we've cast that part now.
- I know.
244
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,600
Perhaps he can audition for us next season.
245
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:36,200
- You never even replied.
- Really? What's your name?
246
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,400
- Speak up.
- Ralph.
247
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,600
- Raif.
- Raif Patterson.
248
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,800
Well, it is our policy to reply to all letters.
I'll just see if we have it on file.
249
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,500
Yes. Here it is.
250
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:53,100
I must say we thought it was a...wind-up.
251
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,300
Why's that?
252
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:58,600
- ''Dear Bastard...''
- Just trying to get your attention!
253
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:05,700
''My name is Ralph...Raif Patterson
and I am the best actor in the world ever.''
254
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:10,700
Yeah, we did toy with ''ever ever'', but
we didn't want him to come across as arrogant.
255
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:14,600
''You may have seen me in
'The Demon Headmaster'.'' Were you in that?
256
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,500
- I had a line.
- Go on, do it, do it!
257
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:20,200
- Hello.
- Told you he was good.
258
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,200
Told you he was good!
259
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:28,500
''I've always loved Shakespeare's plays and
I'm delighted to hear he's written a new one.
260
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,000
''I would be a...'' What does that say?
261
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:37,200
''..a brilliant...''
Sorry, it's quite difficult writing in blood.
262
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,900
''I would be a brilliant Boy in it
or even Henry V himself.''
263
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:45,700
Brackets - ''Did you see
'Bodger and Badger'?'' - close brackets.
264
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:49,300
You see, we always had
Jonathan Pryce in place for the King.
265
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:53,400
Him? He's Chinese, isn't he?
266
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,000
''Give me this job, you shit.
267
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,000
''Yours sincerely, Raif Paterson.''
268
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:04,100
Is it a yes now or do I have to dangle him
out the window?
269
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:12,000
Yes... Don't have all the sandwiches, Emma.
Anne might like some.
270
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
271
00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:20,100
Thank you, Anne.
Now do help yourself to sandwiches and cakes.
272
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:23,000
- Those are egg and those are tuna.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
273
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,500
That's right, that's egg.
274
00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:28,000
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- And that's tuna.
275
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,100
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
276
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:39,600
Hello...? I'm at someone's house at the minute.
Can I call you back? It's a bit rude.
277
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,100
OK. All right. Bye-bye.
278
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,100
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
279
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:49,700
(PLAYS GENTLE PIECE)
280
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:06,600
Oh, forgot to set the video for ''Room 101''!
281
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,100
(PLAYS LOUD DISCORDANT NOTE) Sorry!
282
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:17,100
This is the home of romantic novelist
Dame Sally Markham.
283
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:22,800
Books in Britain have recently become
very popular thanks to the invention of reading.
284
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:27,000
''Yes,'' cried Geraldine. ''I will marry you.''
285
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,100
''I will, I will!''
286
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,000
The end.
287
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,300
How many pages?
288
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,900
Twelve.
289
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:38,200
Oh.
290
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,100
''Do you know the Bible?'' said Lord Harper.
291
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:46,100
''No,'' said Geraldine.
''I've never even heard of it.''
292
00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:49,800
''It's really good,'' said Lord Harper.
''Let me read it to you.''
293
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,300
''OK, then,'' said Geraldine.
294
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,900
''Chapter One. Genesis.
295
00:20:56,500 --> 00:21:00,400
''In the beginning
God created Heaven and Earth.''
296
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:05,100
You'll find the rest of the Bible on the shelf,
Miss Grace. Wake me up when you've finished.
297
00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:12,700
In this board room in Gore,
a meeting is taking place.
298
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,600
The room doesn't look that bored to me.
It looks quite perky.
299
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,600
Sales have dropped, but I'm not too concerned...
300
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:24,700
Here's one for you! Nutty Nut Nuts!
301
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:28,100
Real nuts covered in... Wait for it!
302
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,300
Nuts! How about that for starters?
303
00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:35,600
Er, this is a private meeting.
304
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,200
I've just been in the supermarket and your
cereals aren't selling. There's boxes of 'em!
305
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,800
If you have any ideas,
just jot them down and send them in.
306
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:49,000
Nick, play fair. The lad's come in with a few
ideas. He's shown some pluck and initiative.
307
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,500
- Let's hear him out.
- Thank you, Grandad.
308
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,600
Suga Poofs. Gay men frosted with sugar.
309
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,200
Interesting.
310
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:03,900
Golden Graeme. Dr Graeme Garden
cut up and covered in delicious gold.
311
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:06,100
- Not sure.
- Coco Pups.
312
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:09,000
Real puppy dogs smothered in chocolate.
313
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,100
Not for us.
314
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:15,300
For the health-conscious amongst you,
how about an apple?
315
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:17,700
I can't really see it.
316
00:22:17,700 --> 00:22:20,200
- Rice Krispies.
- No.
317
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,400
Er, slice of toast?
318
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,800
- No.
- Full English?
319
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,200
This isn't what we're looking for.
We'd be grateful if...
320
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:34,800
What if I told you I could invent a cereal that
would make everybody who ate it beautiful?
321
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,300
- Can you?
- No.
322
00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:40,300
- Get out!
- You heard him. Out!
323
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:49,300
It is a sad day in Andy's flat
and Lou is being as gentle as he can with him.
324
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:52,100
You know it's Maria's funeral today, don't you?
325
00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,300
Yeah, I know.
326
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:57,300
We'd better put you in your smart suit,
shouldn't we?
327
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,200
Yeah.
328
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,100
Who's Maria?
329
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,800
Maria's the nice lady
who looked after you before she got too ill.
330
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,800
Yeah, I know.
331
00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:14,500
Let's just slip these off.
332
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,800
Oh, there you go!
333
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,600
What a kerfuffle!
334
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:23,300
I don't know how Maria coped
on her own all those years!
335
00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:27,100
Right... Let's just get these smart trousers on.
336
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,400
One foot...
337
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,600
Two foot.
338
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,700
There you go.
339
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,800
Oh, it's hard work!
Right, let's find you a nice belt.
340
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,800
You want to look smart,
give her a good send-off.
341
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,200
Good send-off, yeah.
342
00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:49,600
Ah!
343
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,300
This is the one Maria bought you.
344
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,700
Yeah. Who's Maria?
345
00:23:58,100 --> 00:24:02,900
If you like to buy jigsaw puzzles
with pieces missing or faulty electrical goods,
346
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:06,300
then why not pop down
to your local charity shop?
347
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,900
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
348
00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:18,700
Do you know if anyone died in this?
349
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:23,000
I don't know. I couldn't say, I'm sorry.
350
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:30,600
This is very nice.
351
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,900
Yes, it's a lovely colour.
352
00:24:34,100 --> 00:24:36,800
Do you know if anyone died in it?
353
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,000
I don't know.
354
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,900
- We don't tend to ask.
- No, we don't tend to ask.
355
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,600
I think I'll leave it, then.
356
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,100
These pyjamas are beautiful.
357
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,600
Oh, yes. They're...they're pure silk.
358
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,400
Do you know if anyone died in them?
359
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:04,100
Well, actually, a lady did come in yesterday
with a big sack of men's clothes
360
00:25:04,100 --> 00:25:08,600
and said her husband died in his sleep,
so he would have died in those.
361
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:10,600
I'll take them.
362
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,200
We're out in the garden, Anne,
if you want to join us!
363
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,900
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
364
00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:21,300
We can play that later if you like.
365
00:25:21,300 --> 00:25:23,300
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
366
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,000
Yeah, we don't need the toilet just now, Anne.
367
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,400
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!
368
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:33,000
No, Anne. That's Emma's guinea pig.
Put that back!
369
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,600
Ohh!
370
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,800
We'll get you another one.
371
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,900
In the seaside town of 0ld Haven,
372
00:25:47,900 --> 00:25:53,300
unconvincing transvestite Emily Howard
has gone for a quiet stroll along the prom.
373
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,000
- Oh, lovely choice!
- Yes.
374
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,200
I am a lady.
375
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:03,200
- Are you a lady?
- Yes.
376
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,900
Isn't it lovely being a lady? I am one.
377
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,600
And being a lady, I love flowers.
Do you love flowers?
378
00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:12,700
- Yes.
- We're like two peas in a pod, aren't we?
379
00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:15,500
Yes. Well, I must get back to my husband.
380
00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:20,500
Yes, I have a husband. They can be so terribly
troublesome, these husbands, can't they?
381
00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:23,000
We should know, being ladies!
382
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000
- Shall we go?
- Hello, I'm a friend of your wife.
383
00:26:26,100 --> 00:26:30,800
- All right?
- Yes, we're both ladies and we got chatting.
384
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,900
- Don't I know you from somewhere?
- I don't think so. I am a lady.
385
00:26:34,900 --> 00:26:37,900
Yeah, I know you. You're Eddie. Eddie Howard.
386
00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:42,000
- No, I am Emily Howard, a lady.
- We used to work together.
387
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,000
- I ain't ever worked down the docks!
- Yeah, down the docks.
388
00:26:45,100 --> 00:26:48,100
- You can vouch for me, can't you?
- Well...
389
00:26:48,300 --> 00:26:51,300
You, child! You know I'm a lady, don't you?
390
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,400
No!
391
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:58,700
You, man on the beach!
You know I'm a lady, don't you?
392
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:00,900
No, you're a bloke!
393
00:27:01,700 --> 00:27:04,700
I'm a lady and my name is Emily Howard!
394
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,200
Look!
395
00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:09,300
''Emily Howard.''
396
00:27:09,300 --> 00:27:11,200
Good day!
397
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,500
It doesn't seem to be here.
398
00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:23,800
Must have crawled out.
399
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,000
- Well, it'll be in here somewhere.
- Yeah.
400
00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:34,900
And so we reach the end
of another episode of ''Little Britain''.
401
00:27:34,900 --> 00:27:36,900
If you have enjoyed this programme,
402
00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:41,200
you may like to know that there are other
programmes available to watch on television,
403
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:46,700
such as the news, cartoons
and magazine programmes. Good-boo!
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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