1
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Britain, Britain, Britain!

2
00:00:03,950 --> 00:00:06,590
Opened by the Queen in 1972,

3
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Britain now attracts hundreds of visitors a year.

4
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But why do they come?

5
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Not just to discover
how chicken nuggets should really taste

6
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or to take part
in the great British tradition of dogging.

7
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No, they come in their drove
to meet the people of Britain.

8
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:27,060
And it is them
what we now here look at now today.

9
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Let's rock.

10
00:00:30,950 --> 00:00:34,220
Vicky Pollard is well known
in her local supermarket

11
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and is on first-name terms
with most of the security staff.

12
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What are you looking at, pervert?

13
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I told you.
You've got to put the pick 'n' mix in a bag.

14
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God, you're so racist!

15
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All right now?

16
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Are you gonna pay for those.

17
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No but, yeah but, no but,
yeah, I was just about to do it if you had waited!

18
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:13,740
This is so unfair! I ain't ever done nothin'
or nothin'! This is like borstal!

19
00:01:13,910 --> 00:01:16,500
If anyone's nicked anything, it's Michelle Pimm.

20
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She put her hand up the chocolate machine to
nick a packet of Poppets and got her hand stuck.

21
00:01:21,630 --> 00:01:25,700
I tried to cut it off, she had an eppy
and said I was educationally sub-normal.

22
00:01:25,870 --> 00:01:29,180
But everyone knows
she's done it with an Alsatian!

23
00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:31,340
OK, I think it's time to go now.

24
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I was going anyway because I well hate this shop!

25
00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:38,980
Bethany got a Saturday job here and someone
found a dead rat in the chocolate raisins.

26
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Someone bought it and ate it and came back and
said, ''Have you got any more chocolate rats?''

27
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It's true. I swear on Duncan out of Blue's life!

28
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- (BEEPING)
- Can you come back in, please?

29
00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:53,780
This is harassment!
I'll take this to the Court of Human 'Pean Rights!

30
00:01:53,950 --> 00:01:55,940
Lift up your arms.

31
00:01:56,110 --> 00:02:00,620
This is because you're in love with me
and want to gay me up. See? Totally innocent!

32
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I-N-A, innocent!

33
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- What's this?
- I bought that earlier.

34
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(RINGS BELL)

35
00:02:15,430 --> 00:02:17,420
- Morning!
- Afternoon!

36
00:02:17,590 --> 00:02:21,420
These men are transvestites
and prefer to dress as ladies.

37
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I myself am happy in both male and female
clothing, as I was born without genitals.

38
00:02:26,630 --> 00:02:28,620
- Morning!
- Afternoon!

39
00:02:28,790 --> 00:02:32,620
Two ladies on a bicyclette, that is all.

40
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Now, Florence, my dear. Remember,
we are two ladies taking afternoon tea.

41
00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:42,930
- Yes, Emily.
- I know this is very new to you.

42
00:02:43,110 --> 00:02:46,220
The trick is
not to draw attention to yourself, hmm?

43
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Two ladies for tea, please!

44
00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:52,740
Yes, of course. This way.

45
00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:55,580
- Oh! Ladies first.
- I am also a lady.

46
00:02:55,750 --> 00:02:58,260
- Oh, yes.
- Here we are.

47
00:02:58,430 --> 00:03:01,420
- Florence, do take a seat.
- No, after you, Emily.

48
00:03:01,590 --> 00:03:04,050
- Florence, I insist.
- No, Emily, please!

49
00:03:04,230 --> 00:03:06,690
We're both ladies. Who sits first?

50
00:03:07,390 --> 00:03:08,870
- Oh!
- Oh!

51
00:03:09,030 --> 00:03:10,350
Oh!

52
00:03:10,510 --> 00:03:12,500
- Oh!
- Oh!

53
00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:15,180
(DEEP VOICE) Sit down!

54
00:03:15,350 --> 00:03:17,740
- Merci.
- Thank you.

55
00:03:17,910 --> 00:03:21,660
Oh, Florence! Regardez le menu!

56
00:03:21,830 --> 00:03:25,740
So many delicious foods and drinks
that a lady might enjoy.

57
00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:29,020
Yes, it all looks so nice, doesn't it, my lady friend?

58
00:03:29,190 --> 00:03:32,100
I don't know what to have.
Will you be having cake?

59
00:03:32,270 --> 00:03:36,740
If they have a lady's cake, then yes, but only if.
We are ladies, aren't we?

60
00:03:36,910 --> 00:03:41,980
- Oh, yes, we are most definitely two of them.
- Two ladies.

61
00:03:42,150 --> 00:03:46,460
Why don't you order for both of us?
I'm off to powder my nose.

62
00:03:48,990 --> 00:03:50,980
Other door!

63
00:03:51,150 --> 00:03:53,500
Oh, yes.

64
00:03:53,670 --> 00:03:56,130
Don't forget to sit down when you piss!

65
00:04:00,470 --> 00:04:05,100
At this health spa in Trump, the manager
is keen to have a word with one of the guests.

66
00:04:05,270 --> 00:04:09,500
- Mrs DeVere! Sorry, Mrs DeVere!
- Call me Bubbles. Everybody does.

67
00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:11,940
- May I have a word?
- Can we walk and talk?

68
00:04:12,110 --> 00:04:15,940
- I have an algae wrap at three.
- It's about this payment situation.

69
00:04:16,110 --> 00:04:18,620
In five months we haven't received anything.

70
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That's terrible, outrageous.
Has my husband not sent the cheque?

71
00:04:22,710 --> 00:04:26,940
- No, we can't track him down.
- Have you tried him on the Monte Carlo number?

72
00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:29,300
- I don't have it.
- Got a pen, darling?

73
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:30,790
Yeah.

74
00:04:30,950 --> 00:04:36,180
The number is 12...345...67...89. OK, darling?

75
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,820
Mrs DeVere! Mrs DeVere!

76
00:04:41,430 --> 00:04:43,580
Hello, Gita. My turn now, darling.

77
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- Miss Bubble, you're next door.
- Sorry, darling. See you at dinner.

78
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Never, never, never let this girl go. Naughty!
What she does with grape nuts is pure poetry.

79
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We need to resolve this now.

80
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Very well, Mr Hutton. Then we shall resolve it.

81
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Are you a married man, Mr Hutton?

82
00:05:13,630 --> 00:05:15,420
Yes, I am.

83
00:05:15,590 --> 00:05:19,740
Yet you allow yourself to be alone in a room
with a rather beautiful woman.

84
00:05:19,910 --> 00:05:22,700
That's very dangerous, don't you think?

85
00:05:22,870 --> 00:05:25,590
I just really need the cheque.

86
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Very clever, darling.

87
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(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

88
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I'm sure we can come
to some sort of arrangement...Mr Hutton.

89
00:05:57,830 --> 00:06:02,620
It is a quarter to half past five and Lou
is taking Andy back home from the shops.

90
00:06:02,790 --> 00:06:07,220
Been on holiday? You've got a lovely tan on you.
Where have you been?

91
00:06:07,390 --> 00:06:09,380
Oh, no!

92
00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:11,740
I'm terribly sorry.

93
00:06:14,710 --> 00:06:17,740
''Bruce's Price is Right''!

94
00:06:20,550 --> 00:06:22,620
Did you enjoy that?

95
00:06:22,790 --> 00:06:24,780
All right.

96
00:06:26,310 --> 00:06:30,380
- Look, it's your favourite. ''The Price is Right''.
- Yeah, I know.

97
00:06:30,550 --> 00:06:35,260
It's always nice to meet the stars of our show,
whoever you are.

98
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,940
I'll get started on the washing-up.

99
00:06:39,110 --> 00:06:41,620
Helen Hunt, come on down!

100
00:06:42,950 --> 00:06:46,700
Akshai Vikoria, come on down!

101
00:06:49,870 --> 00:06:53,100
Andy Pipkin, come on down!

102
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You are the first four contestants
on ''The Price is Right''!

103
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Yeah, I know.

104
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:11,220
One thing this country does better
than all the others is fetes.

105
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We can proudly boast
that Britain is the fete capital of the world.

106
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:19,460
That's cakes done. What's next, Judy?

107
00:07:19,630 --> 00:07:23,300
- Next, Maggie, is jams.
- Jams? Jolly good.

108
00:07:23,470 --> 00:07:26,060
Thank you, Judy. Now, what's this?

109
00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:29,620
Oh, plum. Not my favourite conserve, Judy.

110
00:07:29,790 --> 00:07:33,140
- Nor mine, Maggie.
- But we soldier on. Right...

111
00:07:34,230 --> 00:07:38,820
Hmm! That's actually not bad for a plum.
It's rather good. Who made this?

112
00:07:38,990 --> 00:07:41,630
- Erm, Emma Shepherd.
- Who?

113
00:07:41,790 --> 00:07:45,540
Emma Shepherd,
the one who ran off with the schoolmistress.

114
00:07:50,990 --> 00:07:53,450
Ohhh! Oh!

115
00:07:56,110 --> 00:08:01,180
- Are you all right, Maggie?
- Judy, no more lesbian jam! I can't keep it down.

116
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:04,070
I'm so sorry, Maggie. I'll... I'll make a note.

117
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:09,180
Now, I'm assuming this is raspberry.
It's not properly labelled.

118
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Thank you.

119
00:08:12,990 --> 00:08:15,660
Hmm, not unpleasant. Who made this?

120
00:08:15,830 --> 00:08:18,060
- Sarah Tennant.
- Remind me.

121
00:08:18,230 --> 00:08:21,180
The one who's married to the man who's...
(MOUTHS)

122
00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:24,300
- I'm sorry?
- She married someone who's... (MOUTHS)

123
00:08:24,470 --> 00:08:26,820
- She did what?
- She married a black man.

124
00:08:30,950 --> 00:08:33,740
Ohhhhhhh!

125
00:08:36,070 --> 00:08:38,860
Oh, Judy, you could have warned me!

126
00:08:39,030 --> 00:08:41,020
I'm so sorry, Maggie.

127
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:45,630
- Want... Want to carry on?
- Yes, we've got to get this done.

128
00:08:47,790 --> 00:08:51,140
Well, next, Maggie,
we have the breakfast marmalade.

129
00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:56,060
Hmm... Hmm! Very nice.

130
00:08:56,230 --> 00:08:59,020
Hmm, quite tangy. Yes, put down ''tangy''.

131
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:02,390
- ''Tangy.''
- Very nice. Who made this?

132
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,500
Sanjana Patel.

133
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:09,180
Ohhhhhhhhhh!

134
00:09:13,870 --> 00:09:20,860
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

135
00:09:21,830 --> 00:09:25,460
Right, that's jams done, then. Next, pastries.

136
00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:37,140
In the small mining village of Llandewi Breffi
is the home of homosexual gay, Dafydd Thomas.

137
00:09:38,510 --> 00:09:40,500
Morning, Dafydd!

138
00:09:40,670 --> 00:09:42,620
Gay rights now!

139
00:09:45,030 --> 00:09:48,500
It says there was a bucket stolen
in the village on Tuesday.

140
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,820
It's a crime wave.

141
00:09:54,590 --> 00:09:56,070
Ma.

142
00:09:56,910 --> 00:09:59,500
- Da.
- (BOTH) Morning, son.

143
00:09:59,670 --> 00:10:03,450
There's something important
I have to tell you both.

144
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:07,860
Put your paper down, Dad.
Now, what is it you want to say?

145
00:10:08,030 --> 00:10:11,660
Now, you know
I haven't really had any girlfriends.

146
00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:14,420
You went out with that girl from the abattoir.

147
00:10:14,590 --> 00:10:17,340
That was just a phase. Don't mention that again!

148
00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:22,260
What about the girl at school with the lazy eye?
I thought you were quite taken with her.

149
00:10:22,430 --> 00:10:25,260
Again, the folly of youth. No...

150
00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:28,940
What I have to tell you both is that I am...
(BREATHES DEEPLY)

151
00:10:29,110 --> 00:10:30,900
Asthmatic?

152
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:36,260
No. I am...a gay. Oh!

153
00:10:38,790 --> 00:10:42,060
- Oh, that's nice, dear.
- Yeah, good for you, lad.

154
00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:45,300
- It says here the bucket had a chrome handle.
- Oh!

155
00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:48,300
- So you don't mind?
- No.

156
00:10:48,470 --> 00:10:51,030
You're not gonna disown me or cast me asunder?

157
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:53,540
Eh? Oh, no.

158
00:10:53,710 --> 00:10:56,620
To be honest, love, we did have an inkling.

159
00:10:58,510 --> 00:11:01,150
- So have you got a boyfriend, then?
- No.

160
00:11:01,310 --> 00:11:04,580
Have you not had any arse action at all?

161
00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:09,780
No. But I have been thinking about it,
which may shock you.

162
00:11:09,950 --> 00:11:12,340
Well, I'll try and fix you up with someone.

163
00:11:12,510 --> 00:11:16,740
That won't be very easy
as I am the only gay in the village.

164
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:22,580
Come to think of it, there's a handsome lad who
works down the mine. He takes it up the chuff.

165
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,980
No, thank you.

166
00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:27,540
I know who's mad for cock.

167
00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:31,670
That chap who runs a sauna, you know, Gay Aled.

168
00:11:31,830 --> 00:11:33,980
Gay Aled is not gay!

169
00:11:34,830 --> 00:11:39,380
Your Uncle Glyn's had him.
Apparently, he's very into water sports.

170
00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:42,620
- That's nice for them.
- Yeah.

171
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:47,900
I think we should invite the family round
on Sunday and I'll tell them then.

172
00:11:48,070 --> 00:11:53,060
- They won't like it, but it's time they knew.
- I don't think this Sunday will be much good.

173
00:11:53,230 --> 00:11:55,460
Uncle Gareth has gone to San Francisco.

174
00:11:55,630 --> 00:11:58,940
Your cousin Bryn is going to Neath
to watch Shirley Bassey.

175
00:11:59,110 --> 00:12:01,100
What about Auntie Seonad?

176
00:12:01,270 --> 00:12:04,060
No, she just stays in on a Sunday
and eats minge.

177
00:12:11,110 --> 00:12:15,340
When I see a fat person in a street,
I spit on them, as I would a dog,

178
00:12:15,510 --> 00:12:18,100
and would encourage you to do the same.

179
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:22,580
Oh, you've put on three grams.
You've been noshing again, haven't you?

180
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:26,300
Next time you feel peckish,
have a bit of dust, yeah?

181
00:12:26,470 --> 00:12:28,820
Do you wanna waddle back to your seat?

182
00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:34,500
Now, those of you who read
the FatFighters newsletter will be aware

183
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:38,220
that FatFighters has got a new spokesperson.

184
00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:42,460
And we're very lucky
because she's paying a visit to our branch tonight.

185
00:12:42,630 --> 00:12:47,260
So, will you please give a warm welcome
to Vanessa Feltz?

186
00:12:48,030 --> 00:12:49,540
Vanessa!

187
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:53,210
Vanessa Feltz! Mwah, mwah!

188
00:12:53,390 --> 00:12:56,620
My good friend Vanessa Feltz from the television!

189
00:12:56,790 --> 00:13:00,540
Come and sit down next to me...Vanessa Feltz.

190
00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:05,130
So, Vanessa Feltz,

191
00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:10,220
you - and I know you won't mind me saying it -
you were fat.

192
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:13,900
Wasn't she?
No, we're all friends here. We can say it.

193
00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:16,180
And then you lost it all, didn't you?

194
00:13:16,350 --> 00:13:18,990
Well, I was going though a traumatic divorce...

195
00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:22,820
Then you piled it back on.
You looked really big in ''Take a Break''.

196
00:13:22,990 --> 00:13:25,550
I thought, ''That's the last thing she needs!''

197
00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:29,300
- That's why I wanted to get involved...
- You lost it all again.

198
00:13:29,470 --> 00:13:32,940
- Yes, but I've reached a...
- So, are you going up or down now?

199
00:13:33,110 --> 00:13:35,340
I hope I've reached my optimum weight.

200
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:39,780
It's very important when you're dieting
to realise when that point comes.

201
00:13:40,550 --> 00:13:44,020
Well, I think you could lose another stone.
At least!

202
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:49,700
OK, fatties, so it's a question and answer
with Vanessa Feltz.

203
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:52,590
So, who's got a question for Vanessa?

204
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:56,220
Vanessa will not want
to answer questions about the divorce

205
00:13:56,390 --> 00:13:59,820
or when she went loopy-loo on
''I'm a Celebrity Big Brother''.

206
00:13:59,990 --> 00:14:04,940
Don't ask her about the marriage to Grant Bovey
and the thing with the chocolate at her wedding.

207
00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:07,700
- That's behind her.
- That was Anthea Turner.

208
00:14:07,870 --> 00:14:10,860
You can't blame Anthea for that,
but anyway, Meera?

209
00:14:11,030 --> 00:14:13,420
- Vanessa...
- Hi, Meera.

210
00:14:13,590 --> 00:14:18,140
You must have tried many diets in your time.
What was the worst diet you were on?

211
00:14:19,070 --> 00:14:22,820
- Well...
- Couldn't understand a word. Sorry, she is Asian.

212
00:14:22,990 --> 00:14:27,060
I should have warned you.
Let's hear from an English person. Yes, Pat?

213
00:14:27,230 --> 00:14:29,420
- Hello, Vanessa.
- Hi, Pat.

214
00:14:29,590 --> 00:14:35,500
First off, I must say what an inspiration it is
to see larger-framed women like yourself on TV.

215
00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:37,620
- Thanks.
- But I wanted to know...

216
00:14:37,790 --> 00:14:39,740
She's written a bloody essay!

217
00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:42,700
Was it quite a struggle for you to get on TV?

218
00:14:42,870 --> 00:14:47,780
It's just I'd love to be a TV presenter,
but I feel like my size might hold me back.

219
00:14:47,950 --> 00:14:51,540
- Well, I think it is harder...
- You? On TV?!

220
00:14:51,710 --> 00:14:54,020
Don't make me laugh!

221
00:14:54,190 --> 00:14:58,580
Vanessa may be big, but you are something else!
Look at her!

222
00:14:58,750 --> 00:15:00,860
I call her Fat Pat, eh, Vanessa?

223
00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:05,700
Actually, I'm putting together a new show
about dieting and our attitudes to food.

224
00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:11,070
I'm looking for larger people to help present it,
so make sure you give me your phone number.

225
00:15:11,230 --> 00:15:13,100
Thanks, I will.

226
00:15:13,270 --> 00:15:17,700
Pat, I'll make sure she gets your number.
I could do that. I'd love to be on TV.

227
00:15:17,870 --> 00:15:22,620
No, sorry, not after what I've seen today.
You're obviously a total cow.

228
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:26,860
- Anybody else?
- Yes, I've got a question for you, Vanessa Feltz.

229
00:15:30,590 --> 00:15:33,100
Thank you very much, Vanessa Feltz!

230
00:15:35,670 --> 00:15:37,180
Vanessa Feltz.

231
00:15:39,830 --> 00:15:45,060
Following the introduction of money to Britain
in 1997, banks like this one were opened.

232
00:15:47,870 --> 00:15:52,460
- So, how much money do you wanna borrow?
- Two thousand pounds, please.

233
00:15:52,630 --> 00:15:56,900
Two...thousand...pounds.

234
00:15:58,350 --> 00:16:00,860
Computer says no.

235
00:16:02,070 --> 00:16:04,460
Is there nothing we can do?

236
00:16:05,910 --> 00:16:09,820
Right, erm, well,
maybe if I asked to borrow a bit less.

237
00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:12,300
I dunno, fifteen hundred pounds?

238
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:16,780
Fifteen...hundred...pounds.

239
00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:21,900
- Computer says no.
- Oh.

240
00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:24,460
Can I have a word with the manager?

241
00:16:27,510 --> 00:16:30,180
Computer says no.

242
00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:33,260
So, that's it? There's nothing you can do?

243
00:16:33,430 --> 00:16:35,420
Give me a minute.

244
00:16:36,670 --> 00:16:40,220
(QUIETLY) The man says
he wants to borrow two thousand pounds.

245
00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:44,380
(MUTTERS QUIETLY)

246
00:16:49,790 --> 00:16:52,250
Computer says no.

247
00:16:53,950 --> 00:16:55,940
(COUGHS)

248
00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:01,860
Posh people are much better and cleverer
than common people.

249
00:17:02,030 --> 00:17:04,540
And so they live in nicer houses like this.

250
00:17:04,710 --> 00:17:06,420
Hello!

251
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:08,580
Love's young dream!

252
00:17:08,750 --> 00:17:13,180
Today, Harvey Pinch's parents
are meeting his girlfriend for the first time.

253
00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:15,420
It's a lovely house you have here.

254
00:17:15,590 --> 00:17:18,380
We're very lucky. It's been in the family for years.

255
00:17:18,550 --> 00:17:22,020
Tell us about you, Jane.
Harvey says you work in publishing.

256
00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:25,660
Yes, it's a small house.
We mainly do history books.

257
00:17:25,830 --> 00:17:29,660
I'll tell you a wonderful battle - Battle of Culloden.
Any books on that?

258
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:32,900
- What time is dinner, Mummy?
- It'll be another hour.

259
00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:36,820
- But I'm hungry.
- Well, you'll have to wait.

260
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:39,060
So, how did you two meet?

261
00:17:39,230 --> 00:17:43,500
It was through a friend that I work with
who was at Bristol with Harvey.

262
00:17:43,670 --> 00:17:46,060
- Bitty!
- No, not bitty now, bitty later.

263
00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:47,630
Bitty!

264
00:17:47,790 --> 00:17:51,540
Now, look. If you have bitty now,
you're not gonna want any supper.

265
00:17:51,710 --> 00:17:54,170
I want bitty.

266
00:17:54,350 --> 00:17:56,580
Come along, then.

267
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:07,740
Sorry, Jane. Do carry on.

268
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:11,780
- Um...
- You were telling us about how you met.

269
00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:14,340
Oh.

270
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,780
Well, I was at a party and, um...

271
00:18:20,150 --> 00:18:24,060
- We got talking.
- I'd seen you once before at Simon's 30th.

272
00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:26,740
- But we didn't really speak then.
- No.

273
00:18:26,910 --> 00:18:28,900
No, but we sort of...

274
00:18:30,390 --> 00:18:33,060
..noticed...each other.

275
00:18:33,230 --> 00:18:35,220
More wine, anybody?

276
00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:37,850
Fine, thank you, Daddy.

277
00:18:38,030 --> 00:18:41,020
You are hungry today, aren't you?

278
00:18:41,190 --> 00:18:43,420
Do you have your own place in London?

279
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:47,900
No, my brother and I both still live at home
with our parents.

280
00:18:48,070 --> 00:18:49,580
Really?

281
00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:53,710
Yes, we have tried to move out,
but Mum and Dad don't want us to leave.

282
00:18:53,870 --> 00:18:56,740
Oh, I think it's terribly important to let go.

283
00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:01,300
(BURPS LOUDLY) Thank you, Mummy.

284
00:19:03,830 --> 00:19:06,290
Welcome to the family.

285
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:14,510
It's nought o'clock and at this shop in Phlegm,
Mr Man is looking for a date.

286
00:19:14,670 --> 00:19:18,140
I had a date once. It was the 11th of November.

287
00:19:19,390 --> 00:19:22,940
- Hello.
- Hello. So, how can I help you?

288
00:19:23,110 --> 00:19:27,070
I'm looking to meet a woman
with the name of Linda Williams.

289
00:19:28,110 --> 00:19:30,460
You're looking for a specific person?

290
00:19:30,630 --> 00:19:34,740
No, I'm looking to meet any woman
with the name of Linda Williams.

291
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:39,220
- Any particular reason?
- I like that name.

292
00:19:39,390 --> 00:19:41,700
- It's not my favourite.
- No?

293
00:19:41,870 --> 00:19:45,340
No, my favourite name is Catherine Drew,

294
00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:48,900
but at my time of life,
you can't afford to be too picky.

295
00:19:50,470 --> 00:19:52,740
Because as I always say...

296
00:19:56,350 --> 00:19:58,620
Right, OK.

297
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:01,700
Let's just take down some of your particulars.

298
00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:05,460
What age of woman are you looking to meet?

299
00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:10,020
Oh, really,
anybody between the ages of 38 and 39.

300
00:20:11,950 --> 00:20:13,820
Right. Height?

301
00:20:14,590 --> 00:20:16,980
She should have some height, yes.

302
00:20:18,190 --> 00:20:20,860
- Hair?
- I do prefer it.

303
00:20:21,030 --> 00:20:23,420
No, any particular length?

304
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,050
Oh, anything from here...

305
00:20:26,230 --> 00:20:27,780
to here.

306
00:20:28,830 --> 00:20:33,340
Right. OK, well, I'll just have a look in the file.

307
00:20:35,910 --> 00:20:39,180
Oh, I can't see anyone in here. One moment...

308
00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:43,580
Margaret! Margaret!

309
00:20:48,470 --> 00:20:50,020
Yes?

310
00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:54,070
The gentleman wants to know
if we have any women named Linda Williams.

311
00:20:54,230 --> 00:20:56,950
- We've got a Lindsay Williams.
- Lindsay Williams?

312
00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:59,380
Absolutely no way.

313
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,700
- Absolutely no way!
- Oh.

314
00:21:01,870 --> 00:21:03,860
Oh.

315
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:06,220
- There's a Linda Willis.
- Linda Willis?

316
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:09,180
Would she be interested in changing her name?

317
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:13,820
- Would she be interested in changing her name?
- I don't know.

318
00:21:13,990 --> 00:21:15,780
- She doesn't know.
- Oh.

319
00:21:15,950 --> 00:21:17,460
Oh!

320
00:21:17,630 --> 00:21:22,620
Roy, have you checked the red file?
I think there might be a Linda Williams in there.

321
00:21:26,030 --> 00:21:29,140
Oh, yes, how funny!
We do have a Linda Williams. Yes.

322
00:21:29,310 --> 00:21:32,460
She's 38, she's got shoulder-length hair,
very pretty.

323
00:21:35,430 --> 00:21:37,540
- (MARGARET) Well?
- Well?

324
00:21:37,710 --> 00:21:40,300
Did I mention she should have a glass eye?

325
00:21:43,950 --> 00:21:45,620
Margaret!

326
00:21:45,790 --> 00:21:47,700
Margaret!

327
00:21:48,870 --> 00:21:51,940
Number 10 Downing Street is
the home of the Prime Minister.

328
00:21:52,110 --> 00:21:54,100
I was asked to be Prime Minister,

329
00:21:54,270 --> 00:21:58,260
but it clashed with a voiceover
I was doing for Cadbury's Mini Eggs.

330
00:22:00,630 --> 00:22:04,620
Here are the policy documents
for the NATO summit, Prime Minister.

331
00:22:06,430 --> 00:22:10,540
Thank you. And I'll need one of you
to come with me to Bruges this evening

332
00:22:10,710 --> 00:22:12,620
in advance of the talks tomorrow.

333
00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:14,860
Ooh! Ooh!

334
00:22:20,790 --> 00:22:23,940
- Gregory, would you like to go?
- I'd be delighted.

335
00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:27,380
- Would you pack my case?
- With pleasure, Prime Minister.

336
00:22:27,550 --> 00:22:30,340
But I know where all your pants and socks are.

337
00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:35,220
- And make sure that the car's standing by.
- Yes, Prime Minister.

338
00:22:35,390 --> 00:22:39,380
''Yes, Prime Minister, no, Prime Minister,
three bags full, Prime Minister!''

339
00:22:39,550 --> 00:22:41,540
(PHONE BUZZES)

340
00:22:44,190 --> 00:22:46,980
- Yeah?
- New Leader of the Opposition to see you.

341
00:22:47,150 --> 00:22:49,140
Thank you. Send him up.

342
00:22:49,950 --> 00:22:53,730
Erm, you don't have a problem
with me taking Gregory to the summit?

343
00:22:53,910 --> 00:22:56,980
No, no, I'm not bothered. No, you guys have fun.

344
00:22:57,150 --> 00:23:00,700
- You know, it's just that I...
- Don't touch me, please!

345
00:23:01,670 --> 00:23:04,230
- (KNOCKING)
- Come in.

346
00:23:05,270 --> 00:23:08,340
Oh! So, this would be my office!

347
00:23:08,510 --> 00:23:10,900
(BOTH LAUGH)

348
00:23:11,510 --> 00:23:15,340
- Hi, Mike. How are you?
- Don't get too used to it, Philip.

349
00:23:19,510 --> 00:23:22,100
- My aide, Sebastian Love.
- Oh.

350
00:23:22,270 --> 00:23:25,260
Hi. Just need to search you.

351
00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:27,940
OK, fine.

352
00:23:28,110 --> 00:23:30,750
Sebastian, I don't think that's necessary.

353
00:23:31,630 --> 00:23:33,060
Oh.

354
00:23:33,550 --> 00:23:34,870
Oh!

355
00:23:35,030 --> 00:23:38,540
- Philip, please, take a seat.
- Yes, thank you very much.

356
00:23:39,950 --> 00:23:42,410
The press have been very kind to you today.

357
00:23:42,590 --> 00:23:46,020
Yeah, I was surprised.
Even the ''Guardian'' were positive.

358
00:23:46,190 --> 00:23:48,750
Gorgeous photo of him, wasn't it, Michael?

359
00:23:49,550 --> 00:23:51,030
Tea?

360
00:23:52,150 --> 00:23:54,140
- I'm sorry?
- Cup of tea?

361
00:23:54,310 --> 00:23:58,380
- Are you having one?
- Never mind him. You want one, you have one.

362
00:23:58,550 --> 00:24:00,940
Well, yes, thank you very much.

363
00:24:04,390 --> 00:24:08,700
Are you advising your MPs
to block my educational reforms?

364
00:24:08,870 --> 00:24:12,620
- That's the reason you invited me here?
- I don't think...

365
00:24:12,790 --> 00:24:14,300
Finger?

366
00:24:15,350 --> 00:24:17,740
- I'm sorry?
- Chocolate finger?

367
00:24:18,990 --> 00:24:22,140
- No, thanks.
- Go on. Treat yourself.

368
00:24:23,990 --> 00:24:26,710
I like to dunk mine and suck off the chocolate.

369
00:24:30,950 --> 00:24:33,020
Sebastian! Thank you.

370
00:24:37,790 --> 00:24:42,780
I just don't see that these reforms need
to turn into a party political issue.

371
00:24:42,950 --> 00:24:46,830
- Don't let him bully you!
- That's between me and the Shadow Cabinet.

372
00:24:46,990 --> 00:24:48,980
Yeah, you go for it, girl!

373
00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:54,700
Well, I'd better be going.
I've got an interview with Paxman.

374
00:24:54,870 --> 00:24:57,060
- Good luck!
- He had you, didn't he?

375
00:24:57,230 --> 00:24:59,870
- He did not!
- (WHISPERS) He did.

376
00:25:00,670 --> 00:25:02,780
It's nice to see you again, Michael.

377
00:25:02,950 --> 00:25:05,510
- Good luck with the NATO summit.
- Thank you.

378
00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:09,140
- Are you going, Sebastian?
- No, he's taking a black boy.

379
00:25:12,710 --> 00:25:14,700
Well, it's nice to meet you.

380
00:25:14,870 --> 00:25:17,510
I'll text you my number, yeah?

381
00:25:17,670 --> 00:25:19,660
Yes, thank you.

382
00:25:24,590 --> 00:25:26,580
Goodbye.

383
00:25:28,230 --> 00:25:31,260
Sebastian, that was an extraordinary display!

384
00:25:31,430 --> 00:25:34,100
Ooh, jealous!

385
00:25:38,630 --> 00:25:42,900
It's half past Tommy, and Judy and Maggie
have completed their judging.

386
00:25:43,070 --> 00:25:48,140
Ladies, thank you so much for judging the jams.

387
00:25:48,310 --> 00:25:50,950
- It was a pleasure, Vicar.
- Thank you, Vicar.

388
00:25:51,110 --> 00:25:53,180
- Care for a fairy cake?
- Thank you.

389
00:25:53,350 --> 00:25:57,310
Yes, thank you. Hmm! Oh, these look lovely.

390
00:25:58,150 --> 00:25:59,740
Hmm, delicious!

391
00:25:59,910 --> 00:26:03,900
These were actually made by the people
in the homeless shelter.

392
00:26:11,990 --> 00:26:17,110
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

393
00:26:21,630 --> 00:26:23,820
Ohh!

394
00:26:34,590 --> 00:26:39,060
After a morning spent removing
all the ''K''s from Andy's Alphabetti Spaghetti,

395
00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:42,060
Lou is taking his friend to the park.

396
00:26:42,230 --> 00:26:46,060
- Don't eat all the bread. That's for the ducks!
- Yeah, I know.

397
00:26:46,230 --> 00:26:48,220
Oi, oi, Ironside!

398
00:26:48,990 --> 00:26:51,710
- Come over here and say that!
- Rise above it.

399
00:26:51,870 --> 00:26:54,460
- They're taking the mick.
- Just ignore it.

400
00:26:57,110 --> 00:27:01,460
- Someone should give them lot a smack.
- I thought you were against violence.

401
00:27:01,630 --> 00:27:04,900
You said violence is the last bastion
of moral cowardice.

402
00:27:05,070 --> 00:27:08,500
- Yeah, I know.
- Leave it, then. Let's feed the ducks.

403
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:10,660
Oi! Oi, Davros!

404
00:27:12,030 --> 00:27:15,700
Peaceful here, innit? That's why I like it.

405
00:27:15,870 --> 00:27:19,260
A chance to really think and reflect on your life.

406
00:27:19,430 --> 00:27:23,580
I find the water very calming
and I know you do, too.

407
00:27:23,750 --> 00:27:27,660
Especially on a day like today. Absolutely magical.

408
00:27:27,830 --> 00:27:30,860
All the troubles of the world just float away.

409
00:27:32,230 --> 00:27:36,460
Oh, good, they've gone. See? Rise above it!

410
00:27:36,630 --> 00:27:38,620
Yeah, I know.

411
00:27:43,990 --> 00:27:48,260
And so it is time to leave Little Britain
for another week.

412
00:27:48,430 --> 00:27:52,500
I have been asked to read the names of people
who have to go to bed now.

413
00:27:52,670 --> 00:27:57,820
Peter Goodman,
Susanna and Robin Fellows, Kathleen Willetts,

414
00:27:57,990 --> 00:28:00,860
Sir Henry Faulkner and Mickey.

415
00:28:01,030 --> 00:28:02,540
Good nigh!

416
00:28:02,710 --> 00:28:05,020
(ANDY) Have you got my inhaler?