1
00:00:01,010 --> 00:00:03,290
Britain, Britain, Britain!

2
00:00:03,450 --> 00:00:06,730
What an absolutely terrific place to live!

3
00:00:06,890 --> 00:00:09,320
We have no crime here, and why?

4
00:00:09,490 --> 00:00:13,640
It's not because we hang, draw
and quarter people for parking violations

5
00:00:13,810 --> 00:00:15,800
or disembowel litter louts.

6
00:00:15,970 --> 00:00:18,480
No, it's because of the people of Britain.

7
00:00:18,650 --> 00:00:22,610
They are the bestest, goodliest people
on God's fair Earth!

8
00:00:22,770 --> 00:00:27,370
And it is these everyday folksters
that we look at for a bit today.

9
00:00:27,530 --> 00:00:29,200
Keep it real.

10
00:00:30,370 --> 00:00:32,360
Morning! Afternoon!

11
00:00:32,530 --> 00:00:34,730
Emily and Florence are transvestites.

12
00:00:34,890 --> 00:00:39,680
Some people are intolerant of transvestism,
but live and let live, I say.

13
00:00:39,850 --> 00:00:43,730
Everyone is equal and deserves
the same rights, apart from lezzers.

14
00:00:46,850 --> 00:00:49,240
Oh, now, let me do the talking.

15
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,880
Oh, aren't these ladies' dresses delightful,
my lady friend?

16
00:00:54,050 --> 00:00:56,410
Yes, Emily. This one's very you, I think.

17
00:00:56,570 --> 00:00:59,080
Hello. Can I help you, ladies?

18
00:00:59,250 --> 00:01:01,130
Oh!

19
00:01:01,290 --> 00:01:05,810
Hello. Yes, I am getting married
and I would like to purchase a dress, please.

20
00:01:06,610 --> 00:01:10,650
- For your fiancée?
- No, for me. I am a lady.

21
00:01:13,810 --> 00:01:19,010
Oh, yes. And we require a bridesmaid's dress
for my young lady friend here, Florence.

22
00:01:19,170 --> 00:01:22,720
Yes, I'm ever so excited.
I've never been a bridesmaid before.

23
00:01:22,890 --> 00:01:25,280
I'm only 15, you see.

24
00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:30,210
- What sort of dress are you looking for?
- A lady's dress that ladies wear.

25
00:01:30,370 --> 00:01:33,520
White, of course, with frilly bits...and shit.

26
00:01:35,770 --> 00:01:38,440
- This one is very nice.
- Excuse me. Elizabeth!

27
00:01:38,610 --> 00:01:41,360
- Yes?
- Have we got any of the Marie Antoinettes?

28
00:01:41,530 --> 00:01:43,520
What size?

29
00:01:43,690 --> 00:01:45,890
One to fit a man.

30
00:01:46,570 --> 00:01:48,690
A large man.

31
00:01:48,850 --> 00:01:52,640
(ELIZABETH) I don't think so.
I'll have a look in the stock room.

32
00:01:52,810 --> 00:01:56,040
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh, and any bridesmaid's outfits!

33
00:01:56,210 --> 00:01:59,960
For a short, fat bloke...with a moustache.

34
00:02:05,890 --> 00:02:07,880
(EMILY) Oh!

35
00:02:08,050 --> 00:02:10,720
(DEEP VOICE) I can't get this bloody thing on!

36
00:02:10,890 --> 00:02:13,200
Ladies' noises.

37
00:02:15,810 --> 00:02:18,690
Oh, Emily, you look simply divine!

38
00:02:18,850 --> 00:02:21,970
This man I'm marrying will be so pleased.

39
00:02:22,130 --> 00:02:24,120
- How's the fit?
- It's perfect.

40
00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:27,840
- I'm normally an eight and this is a ten, so...
- If you're sure.

41
00:02:28,010 --> 00:02:31,610
Quite sure.
I'll just go and pop my clothes back on.

42
00:02:36,610 --> 00:02:39,120
- Pretty as a peach.
- Oh!

43
00:02:44,530 --> 00:02:48,600
Britain is a democracy
where any citizen can become Prime Minister,

44
00:02:48,770 --> 00:02:51,440
as long as they've got a degree and aren't black.

45
00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:57,600
Today, the Prime Minister is having a very
important summit with the American President.

46
00:02:57,770 --> 00:03:02,560
I hear what you say, but I think what
you're proposing is an abuse of our friendship.

47
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:06,170
Look, there are no half measures.

48
00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:10,610
Either you are with the United States on this
or you are against us.

49
00:03:13,650 --> 00:03:16,880
I think we'll have to take advice
from the United Nations

50
00:03:17,050 --> 00:03:20,650
because I refuse to be bullied
into making a snap decision.

51
00:03:23,050 --> 00:03:25,720
The United Nations can go to hell!

52
00:03:25,890 --> 00:03:31,250
If you want the special relationship with our
country to continue, you have to start delivering!

53
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:43,760
Before you rush into anything, perhaps you'd like
to see what the British intelligence has to say.

54
00:03:44,530 --> 00:03:49,130
And perhaps you'd like to see
what the CIA has gathered.

55
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:57,650
Sebastian, could you get the document
for the President, please?

56
00:03:57,810 --> 00:04:01,250
Yes, Prime Minister.
I'll get it right now, Prime Minister.

57
00:04:01,970 --> 00:04:07,840
Marvin, can you get the CIA files
for the Prime Minister, please?

58
00:04:08,890 --> 00:04:11,280
Yes, sir, Mr President, sir!

59
00:04:16,450 --> 00:04:19,520
My Prime Minister is much better
than your President!

60
00:04:19,690 --> 00:04:23,520
Mr President's big and powerful.
Your Prime Minister sucks!

61
00:04:23,690 --> 00:04:26,360
- How dare you!
- Get your hands off me!

62
00:04:26,530 --> 00:04:28,920
Get your hands off me!

63
00:04:29,090 --> 00:04:33,080
- What on earth is going on?
- (BOTH TALK AT ONCE)

64
00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:35,240
That's enough!

65
00:04:35,410 --> 00:04:38,000
- He was the one who started it.
- Enough!

66
00:04:41,090 --> 00:04:43,680
Mr President, we have to go to the photo call.

67
00:04:46,410 --> 00:04:51,400
This behaviour is completely inappropriate.
You're making a difficult situation a lot worse.

68
00:04:51,570 --> 00:04:53,610
Let me handle this.

69
00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:57,130
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

70
00:04:57,770 --> 00:05:01,840
Two senior aides acting
like a pair of third graders!

71
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,970
You're an embarrassment!

72
00:05:10,490 --> 00:05:12,560
(BOTH) Ooh!

73
00:05:19,410 --> 00:05:23,480
Mrs DeVere has been staying
at Hill Grange Health Spa for five months now

74
00:05:23,650 --> 00:05:26,040
and has so far lost nearly an ounce.

75
00:05:26,210 --> 00:05:31,000
Mrs DeVere! Oh, Mrs DeVere,
I need to speak to you about this unpaid bill.

76
00:05:31,650 --> 00:05:33,640
Mrs DeVere!

77
00:05:36,250 --> 00:05:38,920
Hurry up! Good morning!

78
00:05:40,610 --> 00:05:45,160
- Hello, Baz. Hello, Mrs Papadopoulos.
- Mrs DeVere!

79
00:05:46,410 --> 00:05:48,400
My turn now, darling.

80
00:05:48,570 --> 00:05:50,560
Quickly, off!

81
00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:52,720
Thank you.

82
00:05:58,090 --> 00:06:00,080
- Mrs DeVere!
- Call me Bubbles.

83
00:06:00,250 --> 00:06:03,880
- Can I have a word?
- Can't you see I'm on the solari bed, darling?

84
00:06:04,050 --> 00:06:08,410
I need to resolve this payment situation.
You owe us nearly ?20,000 now.

85
00:06:08,570 --> 00:06:12,040
I will discuss this with you
as soon as I'm done, darling.

86
00:06:18,690 --> 00:06:22,320
Mrs DeVere, you've been under there
for over three hours now.

87
00:06:22,490 --> 00:06:24,480
All right, darling.

88
00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:42,040
Will you excuse me for a moment, please,
Mr Hutton? I am a little bit on fire.

89
00:06:50,690 --> 00:06:54,370
Today, Lou is taking his friend Andy
to a local pub.

90
00:06:57,530 --> 00:06:59,090
No.

91
00:07:04,130 --> 00:07:06,280
Do I look all right?

92
00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:09,400
- Andy?
- Yeah.

93
00:07:10,170 --> 00:07:16,360
Now, you know I've been seeing a lot more
of Anya recently since she got her visa through.

94
00:07:16,530 --> 00:07:19,520
I want you two to get to know each other,
all right?

95
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:22,280
- Yeah, I know.
- Oh, here she is.

96
00:07:25,770 --> 00:07:28,410
- (POLISH ACCENT) Hello, Lou.
- Hello, Anya.

97
00:07:28,570 --> 00:07:30,880
- May I say you are looking lovely?
- Oh!

98
00:07:33,050 --> 00:07:35,040
There we are.

99
00:07:35,690 --> 00:07:38,680
This is Anya who I was telling you about.

100
00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:41,490
Hello. I'm Anya.

101
00:07:41,650 --> 00:07:44,120
- Yeah, I know.
- Take a seat.

102
00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:48,520
Now, let me get everybody a drink.
Anya, what would you like?

103
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:54,360
- Pint of bitter, please.
- ''Pint of bitter, please.''

104
00:07:55,610 --> 00:07:58,120
- Erm, Andy?
- Don't want nothin'.

105
00:07:59,930 --> 00:08:02,160
Now, don't be silly. What do you want?

106
00:08:02,330 --> 00:08:04,530
A pint and another one.

107
00:08:04,690 --> 00:08:07,050
OK. Won't be a mo.

108
00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:13,720
So, Andy...

109
00:08:13,890 --> 00:08:16,530
Lou tells me a lot about you.

110
00:08:17,970 --> 00:08:20,440
He is a very nice man, isn't he?

111
00:08:21,410 --> 00:08:23,400
I like him very much.

112
00:08:39,130 --> 00:08:41,520
Oh, my goodness! What happened?

113
00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:44,410
She pushed me.

114
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,240
No!

115
00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:50,600
You evil Pole!

116
00:08:52,770 --> 00:08:55,730
Being at university is a very harsh basket

117
00:08:55,890 --> 00:09:00,010
with students having to attend
anything up to one lecture a term.

118
00:09:01,090 --> 00:09:04,880
- I'm sure I can finish it by the end of the week.
- When's it due in?

119
00:09:05,050 --> 00:09:07,170
Today.

120
00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:09,530
I'll ring Martin and see.

121
00:09:12,890 --> 00:09:15,090
Hello, Martin, it's Linda.

122
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:20,240
Yep, I've got a student here.
Needs an extension on her feminist poetry essay.

123
00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:24,920
It's Joanna Harding. Jo Harding.

124
00:09:25,090 --> 00:09:27,600
Er, how can I describe her?

125
00:09:27,770 --> 00:09:31,210
Quite short hair, a few piercings.

126
00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:34,920
Wears a lot of black, combat trousers.

127
00:09:35,090 --> 00:09:38,130
That's right, the big, fat lesbian.

128
00:09:38,290 --> 00:09:40,090
Yeah.

129
00:09:40,890 --> 00:09:43,090
Friday will be fine.

130
00:09:44,290 --> 00:09:47,650
Meanwhile, in Little Bentcock,
Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Beagrie

131
00:09:47,810 --> 00:09:51,360
how one of his patients, Anne,
is getting on in her new job.

132
00:09:51,530 --> 00:09:56,890
Of an evening when it's still light, we encourage
Anne to leave the hospital and work here.

133
00:09:57,050 --> 00:09:58,850
Watch this.

134
00:09:59,010 --> 00:10:01,920
No, it's very quiet today. Call you back later.

135
00:10:03,090 --> 00:10:05,920
- Hello, Anne.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh!

136
00:10:06,090 --> 00:10:09,290
Can I have a pair
of size-nine bowling shoes, please?

137
00:10:09,930 --> 00:10:12,440
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!

138
00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:15,810
Eh!

139
00:10:15,970 --> 00:10:18,610
No, size-nine bowling shoes, please, Anne.

140
00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,890
Eh! Eh! Ehhh!

141
00:10:24,010 --> 00:10:26,600
Thank you very much, Anne. See you later.

142
00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:39,920
FatFighters is a very valuable organisation
which offers help and support

143
00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:44,370
to those who are serious about losing weight,
like these fat bastards.

144
00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:46,840
Eighteen stone five.

145
00:10:47,010 --> 00:10:49,160
You've put on again, haven't you?

146
00:10:49,330 --> 00:10:52,690
- Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it?
- No.

147
00:10:52,850 --> 00:10:56,480
See, your problem is, Tanya, you're fat and old.

148
00:10:56,650 --> 00:11:00,280
It's harder. And there's no man, is there?
You're on your own.

149
00:11:00,450 --> 00:11:03,440
- Yes, my husband left me.
- Well, he would've done.

150
00:11:03,610 --> 00:11:06,080
Younger woman, weren't it? 49, yeah.

151
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:09,400
So, you're on your own now every night
crying and eating.

152
00:11:09,570 --> 00:11:14,640
Yes. Well, at least you've got all of us here at
FatFighters to make you feel better. Off you pop.

153
00:11:16,530 --> 00:11:18,810
Oh, she stinks an' all!

154
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:22,520
Pat, you're next. Pat. Pat, Pat.

155
00:11:22,690 --> 00:11:27,160
- Fatty Patty boom-boom!
- Oh, seventeen stone two.

156
00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:30,530
Oh, no! You've gone up an' all. Two pounds!

157
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:34,840
- I was doing so well.
- Don't matter. I like something to hold on to.

158
00:11:35,690 --> 00:11:40,160
- Sorry, what was that?
- It was a joke. We've started seeing each other.

159
00:11:40,330 --> 00:11:42,320
Eugh!

160
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,970
Eugh!

161
00:11:46,130 --> 00:11:48,800
- How long's this been going on?
- Couple of weeks.

162
00:11:48,970 --> 00:11:51,850
Couple of weeks? Eugh!

163
00:11:52,010 --> 00:11:55,890
Mind you, in a way,
it does make sense, two fatties together.

164
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:59,090
Yeah, you do often get that, fat on fat.

165
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:02,480
Maybe we shall have
our first FatFighters' wedding.

166
00:12:02,650 --> 00:12:07,440
In English, if you are gonna say anything. How
does the mechanics of your lovemaking work?

167
00:12:07,610 --> 00:12:11,570
Do you have to use a winch
or do you have a system of weights and pulleys?

168
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:14,880
- What kind of question's that?
- No, I don't wanna know.

169
00:12:15,050 --> 00:12:19,840
But when you do get two fatties together,
or fat love, they often do pile it on.

170
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:23,450
Do you see?
There's no incentive because they're both fat.

171
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,810
Yeah, well, I think she's lovely.

172
00:12:25,970 --> 00:12:30,760
That's not helping her. I've said it before
and I'll say it again. Pat is morbidly obese.

173
00:12:30,930 --> 00:12:35,480
In fact, I've only ever seen one person fatter
than Pat and that was Barbapapa.

174
00:12:35,650 --> 00:12:40,640
The kindest thing is to chuck her and tell her
to give you a call when she's lost a few stone.

175
00:12:40,810 --> 00:12:44,800
- Thanks, Marjorie.
- That's no problem, Pat. I'm only thinking of you.

176
00:12:44,970 --> 00:12:51,130
I really care about you
because you are now really an enormous, fat pig.

177
00:12:53,570 --> 00:12:55,930
Paul, you're next.

178
00:12:59,330 --> 00:13:05,720
Over in Llandewi Breffi, devoted homosexualist
Dafydd Thomas is taking part in a village fete.

179
00:13:08,690 --> 00:13:11,570
- Hello, Dafydd.
- Good afternoon.

180
00:13:11,730 --> 00:13:14,770
Oh! How much are your poppers?

181
00:13:14,930 --> 00:13:18,400
- This is a gay stall for gays only.
- My grandson's gay.

182
00:13:18,570 --> 00:13:20,560
It's probably just a phase.

183
00:13:20,730 --> 00:13:24,280
Hello, Mrs Williams.
Lovely flowers in the church. Thank you.

184
00:13:24,450 --> 00:13:28,080
My pleasure, Vicar. Oh, have you met Dafydd?

185
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:32,080
- I don't think I have.
- Dafydd Thomas, the only gay in the village.

186
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:34,640
Hello. I'm Glyn, the new vicar.

187
00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:40,280
What would the church make of my gay stall?
I'm not moving. I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it!

188
00:13:40,450 --> 00:13:45,520
It's wonderful that you're here. I want to bring
more gay people from the village into the church.

189
00:13:45,690 --> 00:13:47,730
''Gay person.''

190
00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:52,720
- Do these butt plugs come with batteries?
- Put that down!

191
00:13:52,890 --> 00:13:55,360
A gay stall! Isn't that lovely, darling?

192
00:13:56,290 --> 00:13:58,600
- Hello, I'm the verger.
- What was that?

193
00:13:58,770 --> 00:14:01,680
We're a couple. We met at my last parish.

194
00:14:01,850 --> 00:14:04,760
And you had to come here!
I don't know why I bother!

195
00:14:04,930 --> 00:14:07,600
It's a cause for celebration. You're gay, we're gay.

196
00:14:07,770 --> 00:14:10,840
- I shall write to the bishop.
- Don't bother. He's gay.

197
00:14:11,010 --> 00:14:14,920
- Actually, he's bi.
- Whatever happened to religious homophobia?

198
00:14:15,090 --> 00:14:19,880
Oh, it's all change, dear.
Oh, this would be very nice for the archdeacon!

199
00:14:20,050 --> 00:14:24,760
- Oh, yes. Have you got one in black?
-That's disgusting! Right, I'm off!

200
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:27,000
- Where are you going?
- I can't stay!

201
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:30,370
- What's the matter?
- I'm the only gay in this village!

202
00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:33,520
I've said it before, Vicar, and I'll say it again.

203
00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:36,920
What that boy needs
is a nice big cock up his arse!

204
00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:43,080
Look, if you could ask, I'd really appreciate it.

205
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,810
OK, I'll see what I can do.

206
00:14:49,370 --> 00:14:55,480
Martin, it's Linda. I've got a student here who
needs the rest of the week off. Personal reasons.

207
00:14:56,490 --> 00:14:58,290
Mum's ill.

208
00:14:58,450 --> 00:15:00,730
Yeah, it's Kenneth Lao.

209
00:15:01,490 --> 00:15:04,160
Erm, how can I describe him?

210
00:15:04,850 --> 00:15:08,240
He's got straight black hair, yellowish skin.

211
00:15:09,250 --> 00:15:11,480
Slight smell of soy sauce.

212
00:15:13,930 --> 00:15:16,490
That's it, the ching-chong Chinaman.

213
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:18,450
OK.

214
00:15:19,330 --> 00:15:21,320
He says that's fine.

215
00:15:27,890 --> 00:15:30,170
At this restaurant in Harlot,

216
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:34,480
Harvey and Jane's parents
are meeting each other for the first time.

217
00:15:34,650 --> 00:15:37,480
..in raising a toast to Harvey and Jane.

218
00:15:37,650 --> 00:15:40,120
- Harvey and Jane.
- Harvey and Jane.

219
00:15:40,290 --> 00:15:42,410
To us.

220
00:15:42,570 --> 00:15:45,080
Certainly got our work cut out for September.

221
00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:47,970
Shall I see if the golf club's free for the reception?

222
00:15:48,130 --> 00:15:51,090
- Thank you. That'd be great.
- Still hungry.

223
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:54,400
- We'll have something when you get back.
- Hungry.

224
00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:56,880
When our eldest daughter got married,

225
00:15:57,050 --> 00:16:00,880
she decided she wanted to have it
in a very small village church.

226
00:16:01,050 --> 00:16:03,040
- Bitty.
- No, darling.

227
00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:06,090
The church only held a hundred
and she wanted...

228
00:16:06,250 --> 00:16:08,370
- Bitty!
- Not bitty now, bitty later.

229
00:16:08,530 --> 00:16:11,170
Mum has a list of some people she'd like to invite.

230
00:16:11,330 --> 00:16:14,000
Yes, we've got some family in New Zealand.

231
00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:17,290
- Bitty!
- Darling, you've just had pudding!

232
00:16:17,450 --> 00:16:19,490
Bitty, bitty!

233
00:16:19,650 --> 00:16:21,640
Excuse me.

234
00:16:30,610 --> 00:16:32,600
You were saying?

235
00:16:32,770 --> 00:16:34,890
Oh, well...

236
00:16:35,050 --> 00:16:39,570
We were just saying that we can...do that list.

237
00:16:39,730 --> 00:16:41,930
- Coffee?
- Oh, lovely.

238
00:16:42,690 --> 00:16:46,600
- Are you having coffee, son?
- No, thanks, Daddy. I'm fine with milk.

239
00:16:46,770 --> 00:16:52,080
Hard, isn't it? All these relatives
you see once a year - bloody bores!

240
00:16:52,250 --> 00:16:55,000
And you feel you have to invite them.

241
00:16:55,170 --> 00:16:56,810
Yes.

242
00:16:56,970 --> 00:17:00,120
- They never do bring enough.
- Oh, let me.

243
00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:04,370
Oh, sorry!

244
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:13,450
- There.
- Now...

245
00:17:19,570 --> 00:17:21,770
(SLURPS) Oh, lovely!

246
00:17:21,930 --> 00:17:24,240
So, do you follow the cricket?

247
00:17:30,170 --> 00:17:32,760
Banks in Britain are extremely popular.

248
00:17:32,930 --> 00:17:36,530
In fact, there's nothing I like more
than a jolly good bank.

249
00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:45,410
- How old is he?
- Go on, tell the nice lady.

250
00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:50,010
- Nearly six.
- Nearly...six.

251
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:53,920
He's got some money from his uncle
and wants to open a bank account.

252
00:17:54,090 --> 00:17:57,530
Well, we do have a Junior Saver Account.

253
00:17:58,730 --> 00:18:01,370
You get a free Percy Piggy Bank.

254
00:18:02,570 --> 00:18:05,320
- Oink, oink!
- Oh, lovely!

255
00:18:05,490 --> 00:18:09,560
And you get entered into a prize draw
to win a free trip to EuroDisney.

256
00:18:09,730 --> 00:18:13,770
Oh, I think he'd like to open one of these, please.
Wouldn't you?

257
00:18:17,210 --> 00:18:19,600
Computer says no.

258
00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:27,560
(COUGHS)

259
00:18:32,050 --> 00:18:36,410
It's a school day, so Vicky Pollard
has taken herself off to the park.

260
00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:47,810
Hi, Carl.

261
00:18:47,970 --> 00:18:50,120
- Hi, um...
- Vicky.

262
00:18:52,050 --> 00:18:54,040
Move, actually!

263
00:18:58,690 --> 00:19:03,320
So, uh... Are you going down Kelly's party later?

264
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,530
- Might do.
- I'll go with you, yeah?

265
00:19:05,690 --> 00:19:10,530
- If I go, I'll go with Bethany.
- You always try to get off with my boyfriend!

266
00:19:10,690 --> 00:19:13,200
Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that!

267
00:19:13,370 --> 00:19:18,360
Like when I threw Sunita's Nokia in the canal and
she's like, ''You've got to buy me another one!''

268
00:19:18,530 --> 00:19:22,730
I'm like, ''Get over it!'' Then Paul stirred it up,
saying I fancied Mark Benny.

269
00:19:22,890 --> 00:19:25,930
Just because I have sex with someone
doesn't mean I fancy him!

270
00:19:26,090 --> 00:19:29,130
Everyone's jealous
since I saw Christina Aguilera on the bus.

271
00:19:29,290 --> 00:19:31,170
- You never saw her.
- I did!

272
00:19:31,330 --> 00:19:34,720
You're such a liar!
Stop trying to get off with my boyfriend!

273
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:39,880
Eugh! Don't be disgusting! Why would I fancy
him? Eugh, mingin'! He's well gay, anyway!

274
00:19:40,050 --> 00:19:43,090
Rochelle said you told her you well fancy him.
Did you?

275
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:48,800
No but, yeah but, no but, I didn't and Rochelle's
well gonna get beatings now for saying that!

276
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:53,120
What about the time she didn't go
to Sunita's house 'cause her dad was ill?

277
00:19:53,290 --> 00:19:55,360
All he had was a brain haemorrhage!

278
00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:59,000
Carl does fancy me
because he passed me a note in metalwork,

279
00:19:59,170 --> 00:20:01,760
saying he wanted to touch my Forest of Dean.

280
00:20:01,930 --> 00:20:04,290
Piss off!

281
00:20:04,450 --> 00:20:08,050
Don't worry! I was going anyway,
you pair of total lesbo spackers!

282
00:20:08,210 --> 00:20:10,800
If I see either of you again, you're both dead!

283
00:20:13,410 --> 00:20:15,920
Can you give me a hand up, please?

284
00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:20,680
Thanks.

285
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:24,320
I'm more confident on the roads.

286
00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:29,640
Jeremy Rent is an actors' agent.

287
00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:34,330
I haven't heard from my agent for many years,
but then she is hopelessly dead.

288
00:20:35,010 --> 00:20:38,970
Lovely. So that's a confirmed booking
for my client Melvyn Hayes

289
00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:44,120
to appear as Buttons in ''Cinderella''
at the Harlequin Theatre, Red Hill, this Christmas.

290
00:20:44,290 --> 00:20:48,200
Oh, yes, the fee. How does ?200 a week sound?

291
00:20:48,890 --> 00:20:52,880
Well, I'm sorry, but I can't afford
to pay you any more. Goodbye!

292
00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:55,410
(FLY BUZZES)

293
00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:59,200
- Dennis Waterman to see you.
- Lovely. Send him in.

294
00:20:59,970 --> 00:21:01,770
Hello!

295
00:21:01,930 --> 00:21:04,520
- Hello, Den!
- Hot today, isn't it?

296
00:21:04,690 --> 00:21:07,650
- Yes, it's sweltering.
- I brought you a can of pop.

297
00:21:07,810 --> 00:21:10,720
That's very kind.
Do you need a hand bringing it in?

298
00:21:10,890 --> 00:21:13,120
Oh, no, I'll be fine.

299
00:21:13,290 --> 00:21:15,680
(FLY BUZZES)

300
00:21:15,850 --> 00:21:17,890
Ohhhh!

301
00:21:22,050 --> 00:21:24,040
Uhhhh!

302
00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:30,560
Thank you very much.

303
00:21:31,730 --> 00:21:35,850
Oh, lovely, thank you.
I've had a call from the people at Birds Eye.

304
00:21:36,010 --> 00:21:38,080
- (BUZZING)
- Is there a fly in here?

305
00:21:38,250 --> 00:21:41,400
- Don't worry, it won't hurt you.
- Aaagh!

306
00:21:42,890 --> 00:21:45,800
- Oh! Oh!
- Ignore it. It'll fly away.

307
00:21:48,290 --> 00:21:52,490
They're making new adverts
and they want you to be Captain Birds Eye.

308
00:21:52,650 --> 00:21:57,360
So, they want me to star in it,
write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?

309
00:21:57,530 --> 00:22:00,200
- They've already got a song.
- Yeah, I know it.

310
00:22:00,370 --> 00:22:04,160
# They're bigger than most and tastier
Do-do-do, do-do

311
00:22:04,330 --> 00:22:08,120
# That's why I'm the Captain of the Fishfinger
Do-do-do, do-do

312
00:22:08,290 --> 00:22:11,760
# They're called fishfingers
But they're not fingers of fish

313
00:22:11,930 --> 00:22:14,130
# 'Cause fish actually have fins... #

314
00:22:14,810 --> 00:22:16,800
Oh, dear.

315
00:22:17,530 --> 00:22:19,520
Very hot today, isn't it?

316
00:22:19,690 --> 00:22:22,200
Well, why don't you try this?

317
00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:26,970
Ohhh! Ohhhhhhhh!

318
00:22:27,130 --> 00:22:30,280
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

319
00:22:31,450 --> 00:22:35,130
- (KNOCKING)
- Come in... Oh, hello, Paul.

320
00:22:35,290 --> 00:22:39,280
Hi. I have the form here.
I just need the head of department to sign it.

321
00:22:39,450 --> 00:22:42,250
Take a seat. I'll just see if he's in his office.

322
00:22:45,810 --> 00:22:47,800
Hello, Martin. It's Linda.

323
00:22:47,970 --> 00:22:52,440
I've Paul Roberts here.
Needs you to sign his grant application form.

324
00:22:52,610 --> 00:22:55,920
You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul.

325
00:22:57,090 --> 00:23:00,770
Shoulder-length brown hair,
wears a lot of jewellery.

326
00:23:02,010 --> 00:23:05,840
Looks up a lot.
Gets his clothes from Mothercare.

327
00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:08,160
That's it, the ''oompa loompa''.

328
00:23:11,210 --> 00:23:13,640
He says go straight up.

329
00:23:19,130 --> 00:23:21,410
# Oompa, loompa, doompity do... #

330
00:23:22,770 --> 00:23:27,240
It's nought o'clock and at this shop in Phlegm,
Mr Man is looking for a video.

331
00:23:27,410 --> 00:23:31,010
I watched a video once.
It was called ''Memorex E-180''.

332
00:23:31,170 --> 00:23:33,160
It was rather dull.

333
00:23:33,330 --> 00:23:37,080
- Actually, I was just about to close...
- It won't take long.

334
00:23:38,170 --> 00:23:40,160
What is it you're looking for?

335
00:23:40,330 --> 00:23:44,800
I'd like to rent a film starring Chevy Chase
and Rick Moranis as undercover cops

336
00:23:44,970 --> 00:23:49,250
who pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal,
certificate 15.

337
00:23:50,290 --> 00:23:52,880
Oh. I don't think I know that film.

338
00:23:54,050 --> 00:23:56,560
Margaret knows all the films. One moment.

339
00:23:56,730 --> 00:23:59,240
Margaret! Margaret!

340
00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:09,810
Yes?

341
00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:14,760
A gentleman here wants to know if we've got
a video starring Chevy Chase and Rick Moranis

342
00:24:14,930 --> 00:24:18,370
as undercover cops who pose as rappers
to foil a drug deal.

343
00:24:18,530 --> 00:24:21,410
- Certificate 15.
- Certificate 15.

344
00:24:21,570 --> 00:24:24,560
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, she doesn't know.

345
00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:30,170
It actually ends up with them having to take part
in a rap competition. It is very amusing.

346
00:24:31,250 --> 00:24:33,810
- What's it called?
- You know what it's called?

347
00:24:33,970 --> 00:24:35,720
- No.
- No!

348
00:24:35,890 --> 00:24:38,280
- Oh.
- Oh.

349
00:24:38,450 --> 00:24:42,160
- I don't know what to suggest.
- Is he sure the film exists?

350
00:24:42,330 --> 00:24:45,080
- Are you sure the film exists?
- No.

351
00:24:45,250 --> 00:24:47,160
No!

352
00:24:47,330 --> 00:24:49,970
But it is the film I would like to see tonight.

353
00:24:51,450 --> 00:24:52,930
Right.

354
00:24:53,890 --> 00:24:58,650
Well, I'm not sure it's been made,
so I don't think you'll be able to watch it tonight.

355
00:24:59,370 --> 00:25:01,730
It's OK, I'll wait.

356
00:25:04,450 --> 00:25:07,920
- You'll...you'll wait?
- Yes, until it's been made.

357
00:25:09,770 --> 00:25:13,970
Well, here's an idea. How about we let you know
the moment it comes in?

358
00:25:14,130 --> 00:25:17,090
Yes, the moment, please. I'm a very busy man.

359
00:25:22,010 --> 00:25:24,480
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

360
00:25:25,610 --> 00:25:28,080
(CONTINUES RINGING)

361
00:25:35,010 --> 00:25:36,650
Hello?

362
00:25:36,810 --> 00:25:40,200
Can I call you back?
I'm just in the middle of something.

363
00:25:47,090 --> 00:25:51,720
Today in Pox, their Women's Association
is playing host to their local Conservative MP.

364
00:25:51,890 --> 00:25:55,640
I love the Conservatives.
They're my favourite political party.

365
00:25:55,810 --> 00:25:58,880
After Labour and the Liberal Democrats.

366
00:25:59,050 --> 00:26:01,330
Thank you so much for talking to us today.

367
00:26:04,490 --> 00:26:09,410
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
It's important to have the support of you ladies.

368
00:26:10,290 --> 00:26:13,280
- Fancy a vol-au-vent?
- Oh, yes, please.

369
00:26:16,490 --> 00:26:20,480
Hmm, that's delicious!
Did you make them yourselves?

370
00:26:20,650 --> 00:26:22,930
- Yes.
- You must give me the recipe.

371
00:26:23,090 --> 00:26:25,840
Well, actually, it's one of Ainsley Harriott's.

372
00:26:33,250 --> 00:26:37,210
Bleu-eu-eugh!

373
00:26:39,450 --> 00:26:42,040
You really must come and speak to us again.

374
00:26:43,330 --> 00:26:45,320
Yes.

375
00:26:46,970 --> 00:26:50,250
If you enjoy the smell of dung
and being shouted at by farmers,

376
00:26:50,410 --> 00:26:53,130
why not spend a day in the countryside?

377
00:26:53,290 --> 00:26:57,280
- Isn't the countryside lovely, Andrew?
- It's boring.

378
00:26:57,450 --> 00:27:00,120
But I thought you said you love the countryside.

379
00:27:00,290 --> 00:27:05,520
You said that the natural world had a sublime
beauty, unrivalled by anything man-made.

380
00:27:05,690 --> 00:27:10,080
- Yeah, I know.
- Now...where are we exactly?

381
00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:12,450
This is boring. I wanna go home!

382
00:27:12,610 --> 00:27:16,600
The trouble is, I think we're a bit lost.
Let me just ask this lady.

383
00:27:16,770 --> 00:27:21,720
Excuse me, love. I think we're a bit lost.
Do you know the way to Taplow Farm?

384
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:24,850
Uh... One moment.

385
00:27:25,010 --> 00:27:28,890
- Hello, Mr Horse.
- Good boy. Right, let's have a look.

386
00:27:29,050 --> 00:27:33,330
- Taplow Farm is quite a way.
- It's there on the map. I thought we were near it.

387
00:27:33,490 --> 00:27:38,090
- We're the yellow line marked here.
- I thought we were coming along this way...

388
00:27:42,170 --> 00:27:46,320
And so we conclude our journey
around Little Britain.

389
00:27:46,490 --> 00:27:52,250
Tonight's programme has ended a little sooner
than usual because I need to do a poo now.

390
00:27:52,410 --> 00:27:54,610
Good bye-bye!