1 00:00:02,110 --> 00:00:04,710 Britain, Britain, Britain! 2 00:00:04,870 --> 00:00:07,070 Cultural capital of the world. 3 00:00:07,230 --> 00:00:09,590 The Sistine Chapel, British. 4 00:00:09,750 --> 00:00:12,310 Mozart's ''Requiem'', British. 5 00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:14,830 The Great Wall of China, British. 6 00:00:14,990 --> 00:00:20,470 But none of that stuff would have even been invented were it not for the people of Britain. 7 00:00:20,630 --> 00:00:24,630 The men, the women, the boys, the girls and the monkey-children 8 00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:27,070 that populate this well-fit country. 9 00:00:27,230 --> 00:00:29,030 Let's 'ave it! 10 00:00:32,430 --> 00:00:37,300 Vicky Pollard hates smoking, except in places where it is prohibited. 11 00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:41,780 Put that cigarette out, please. 12 00:00:50,190 --> 00:00:52,390 And that one. 13 00:00:54,710 --> 00:00:58,500 - See your ticket, please. - Yeah, I've got my ticket. 14 00:00:58,670 --> 00:01:00,670 Got it here. 15 00:01:01,750 --> 00:01:04,750 I've warned you. If you don't have a ticket, get off. 16 00:01:04,910 --> 00:01:09,540 God, that is so unfair! This is well sexual harassment. If you fancy me, just say so. 17 00:01:09,710 --> 00:01:12,910 Exactly like the time Miss Rennet, a total lesbian, 18 00:01:13,070 --> 00:01:16,670 made Candice stay behind for gobbing on Samigi Gaswani's hair, 19 00:01:16,830 --> 00:01:19,030 but she wanted to get off with her 20 00:01:19,190 --> 00:01:23,670 'cause her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider. 21 00:01:23,830 --> 00:01:26,750 You don't have a ticket. Get off at the next stop. 22 00:01:26,910 --> 00:01:30,430 It's OK, Vicky. I got you a ticket. One for you, one for me. 23 00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:37,260 - Thank you. - What did you do that for, you total virgin? 24 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:42,140 I don't need a ticket. I'm Vicky Pollard. If anyone hears, they'll think I'm sad. 25 00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:46,910 Like the time Tony told the fourth year that I shat myself on the field trip. 26 00:01:47,070 --> 00:01:50,670 It wasn't me. It was Bernice. I made a tape of her admitting it. 27 00:01:50,830 --> 00:01:53,630 Anyone who says I'm not hard gets spannered. 28 00:01:53,790 --> 00:01:56,990 Sorry, Vicky. Don't look like we'll get chucked off. 29 00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:59,460 That's what YOU reckon. 30 00:02:00,470 --> 00:02:03,270 - Oi! - Haven't finished yet. 31 00:02:03,430 --> 00:02:04,830 So rude. 32 00:02:05,790 --> 00:02:07,990 Meanwheel, in Herby... 33 00:02:08,150 --> 00:02:12,030 Now, are you sure you don't mind sitting for a bit and watching? 34 00:02:12,190 --> 00:02:14,070 - Yeah. - You sure? 35 00:02:14,230 --> 00:02:17,830 - Yeah. - Last time we came, you said it was boring. 36 00:02:17,990 --> 00:02:23,070 You said, Torvill and Dean's Barnum routine aside, ice-skating was aesthetically bankrupt. 37 00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,150 Yeah, I know. 38 00:02:25,310 --> 00:02:28,590 All right. I'll only be 20 minutes or so. Oh, um... 39 00:02:29,670 --> 00:02:31,670 - Which do you want? - That one. 40 00:02:31,830 --> 00:02:34,830 - Cheese and onion. Right. - And I want that one. 41 00:02:35,790 --> 00:02:38,100 Right. See you in a bit, then. 42 00:02:39,350 --> 00:02:41,310 Wish me luck. 43 00:02:55,230 --> 00:02:57,230 Catch me breath. 44 00:02:58,350 --> 00:03:02,430 What a kerfuffle. Come on, Louis. You can do this. 45 00:03:09,550 --> 00:03:13,750 At this jeweller's in Gristle, a robbery has just taken place. 46 00:03:25,950 --> 00:03:30,790 So, Viv, you were standing here at the time of the robbery when three men came in. 47 00:03:30,950 --> 00:03:34,310 One of them was carrying a gun. What did he look like? 48 00:03:34,470 --> 00:03:37,670 Oh, he was gorgeous! Lovely, he was. 49 00:03:37,830 --> 00:03:41,220 He had lovely, long hair and he was wearing tight jeans. 50 00:03:41,390 --> 00:03:45,550 He looked me. I thought I was going to melt. Oh, he was a nosh. 51 00:03:45,710 --> 00:03:48,470 I see. Did you get a look at the second man? 52 00:03:48,630 --> 00:03:51,070 Yes, I did. Oh, he was gorgeous! 53 00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:55,230 He was short. He wasn't what I normally go for. I like 'em tall, like you. 54 00:03:55,390 --> 00:04:01,230 But he was gorgeous! He had this voice like, ''Put the money in the bag. No one'll get hurt.'' 55 00:04:01,390 --> 00:04:05,180 Oh, he put me in mind of a young Patrick Mower. Brrr! 56 00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:08,150 - And the third man? - Oh, he was gorgeous! 57 00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:11,230 Black, he was, but that don't bother me. Phwoar! 58 00:04:11,390 --> 00:04:14,390 - Oh, he was... What's the word? - Gorgeous? 59 00:04:14,550 --> 00:04:17,990 Hands off! I seen him first! Oh, he was lush! 60 00:04:18,150 --> 00:04:21,230 I would very much like to have had sex with him. 61 00:04:21,390 --> 00:04:23,860 Yes, thank you. One last question. 62 00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:27,820 - Did you see the getaway driver? - Oh, was there a getaway driver? 63 00:04:27,990 --> 00:04:34,340 Yes, there was. He was parked outside the shop in a metallic-blue Vauxhall Corsa. 64 00:04:34,510 --> 00:04:36,870 Oh, I'm not sure whether I... 65 00:04:37,030 --> 00:04:40,230 Now, come on, Viv. Think. This is important. 66 00:04:42,870 --> 00:04:46,470 I must have done. I saw them run out. You're right. 67 00:04:46,630 --> 00:04:51,190 They got into a blue car and there was a man sitting in the front seat, and... 68 00:04:51,350 --> 00:04:53,740 Oh, he was gorgeous! 69 00:04:56,150 --> 00:04:59,430 To keep fit, people in Britain go to gymnasia. 70 00:04:59,590 --> 00:05:03,510 I don't need to take exercise as I have the body of an Adonis. 71 00:05:06,070 --> 00:05:07,750 - All right? - Yeah. 72 00:05:07,910 --> 00:05:11,700 - Are you using this? - Yeah, I've just got one more set to do. 73 00:05:14,110 --> 00:05:17,660 You must get this all the time, but you look like Mr T. 74 00:05:17,830 --> 00:05:21,590 - Who? - Mr T. The bloke out of ''The A-Team''. 75 00:05:21,750 --> 00:05:26,350 - Oh, I haven't seen it. - The guy with the Mohican, the gold chains. 76 00:05:26,510 --> 00:05:29,350 - He was in ''Rocky''. - Not Sylvester Stallone? 77 00:05:29,510 --> 00:05:32,870 No, his name's Mr T. Honestly, he looks just like you. 78 00:05:33,030 --> 00:05:35,630 Oh. Oh, well, I'll look out for him. 79 00:05:37,150 --> 00:05:39,540 - Is that yours? - Eh? 80 00:05:39,710 --> 00:05:41,150 Oh. 81 00:05:43,190 --> 00:05:44,910 Cheers. 82 00:05:49,110 --> 00:05:51,910 - What's that show called? - ''The A-Team.'' 83 00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:55,460 - ''The A-Team.'' - I think they show it on UK Gold. 84 00:05:55,630 --> 00:05:58,430 - Oh, yeah? And it's Mr P? - No, Mr T. 85 00:05:58,590 --> 00:06:00,390 Mr T. Right. 86 00:06:02,790 --> 00:06:04,590 See you. 87 00:06:11,870 --> 00:06:16,550 Men dressing up in women's clothing is, in my view, a disgusting perversion. 88 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,710 Yes, I'm sitting here in bra and panties, but I draw the line there. 89 00:06:20,870 --> 00:06:25,740 - Two ladies. A lady and a lady out for a stroll. - Not men. Definitely not men. 90 00:06:25,910 --> 00:06:30,990 Oh, Florence, regardez les enfants...playing...footie. 91 00:06:31,150 --> 00:06:34,830 Oh, how enchanting. You used to play football, didn't you? 92 00:06:34,990 --> 00:06:39,350 - Oh, no, no. - You did. You were left back for QPR. 93 00:06:39,510 --> 00:06:44,910 - Florence, please remember I am a lady. - Mate, can we have our ball back, please? 94 00:06:45,070 --> 00:06:47,790 - Leave it, Emily. - Florence, I can't help it. 95 00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:50,630 - Fight it, Emily. - I can't. Oh! 96 00:06:53,910 --> 00:06:56,590 Be strong, Emily! Think of ladies' things. 97 00:07:00,470 --> 00:07:01,910 Oh! 98 00:07:05,750 --> 00:07:08,110 Whooooah! 99 00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:16,230 I think we got away with that. Au revoir! 100 00:07:24,270 --> 00:07:27,470 If I had my way, fat people would be strangled at birth. 101 00:07:27,630 --> 00:07:30,230 Unfortunately, they're permitted to live. 102 00:07:30,390 --> 00:07:33,470 Before we start, congratulations are in order. 103 00:07:33,630 --> 00:07:40,310 Aren't they, Meera? Because, FatFighters, we have a National Lottery winner in our midsts. 104 00:07:40,470 --> 00:07:43,470 Not the jackpot. That went to a white man. 105 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:47,230 But Meera Sharma... I am pronouncing it right, aren't I? 106 00:07:47,390 --> 00:07:51,230 ..chose correctly five numbers plus the bonus ball, 107 00:07:51,390 --> 00:07:55,910 and won herself two hundred and fourteen thousand pounds. 108 00:07:57,150 --> 00:07:59,350 How about that? 109 00:07:59,510 --> 00:08:04,300 Anyway, what I think is important is that none of us here treats her any differently. 110 00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:08,180 - Isn't that right, my beautiful Asian friend? - Yes, Marjorie. 111 00:08:08,350 --> 00:08:13,380 ''Yes, Marjorie.'' Perfect English. Well done. A lot of them don't make the effort. 112 00:08:13,550 --> 00:08:16,070 Now, before we go any further, 113 00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:22,580 last week I gave you all the new - they are new - FatFighters diet sheets to fill out or fill in. 114 00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:25,270 Can I have them back, please? 115 00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:28,390 Thank you, Paul. Ryvita for breakfast. 116 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:31,470 Yeah, right (!) What did you have on it? Lard? 117 00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:33,830 No one likes a liar, Paul. 118 00:08:33,990 --> 00:08:36,590 Thank you. It says you had fruit for lunch. 119 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:39,750 - That's right. - Chocolate orange? Eh, Meera? 120 00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:43,670 Choc-o-late orange? I don't know, you fatties. 121 00:08:46,750 --> 00:08:49,950 Oh, that smells lovely! Have a sniff of that. 122 00:08:51,470 --> 00:08:56,470 'Cause a lot of people say they smell funny, but I don't think so. No, I'm all for Asians. 123 00:08:56,630 --> 00:09:01,870 Where'd you get your safari from? I'd love one of them. And one of them red dots. 124 00:09:02,030 --> 00:09:04,420 And ain't she got lovely handwriting? 125 00:09:04,590 --> 00:09:08,670 Just as well. You'll be writing cheques for all your family in India. 126 00:09:08,830 --> 00:09:10,830 - New Malden. - Oh. 127 00:09:10,990 --> 00:09:13,550 Have you thought what you're gonna do with it? 128 00:09:13,710 --> 00:09:17,790 Tell you what I'd do. I'd pay off my mortgage. I'd go on holiday. 129 00:09:17,950 --> 00:09:22,980 The rest of it, I'd share with my friends here at FatFighters. Is that what you're gonna do? 130 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:28,710 - I haven't decided. - She hasn't decided. Just slow down, you lot. 131 00:09:28,870 --> 00:09:34,670 - Please, stop mentioning it. - Yes, can we all please now stop mentioning it? 132 00:09:34,830 --> 00:09:37,870 Dear, oh, dear, Meera. They're like vultures. 133 00:09:38,030 --> 00:09:42,070 Sorry, Meera. Vultures. A bird. Like chicken balti without the balti. 134 00:09:42,230 --> 00:09:45,830 Right, come on. We've got to get through this now. 135 00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:48,790 Day one. Breakfast. 136 00:09:48,950 --> 00:09:52,660 Actually, I will just say... Sorry, it's playing on my mind. 137 00:09:52,830 --> 00:09:57,830 Mum's not well again, and all she wants, really, is one last trip to Barbados. 138 00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:01,830 But... Money, innit? Mm? Eh? 139 00:10:01,990 --> 00:10:07,790 Isn't that right, my gorgeous Asian lady? Money, money, money. Give it to me. 140 00:10:11,990 --> 00:10:16,910 Now, these... I spend. I do my numbers on a Saturday. 141 00:10:17,070 --> 00:10:20,110 I do five Lucky Dip midweek. I do Scratchcards. 142 00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:24,870 I haven't won a penny, and I have lived in this country all my life. It's theft. 143 00:10:25,030 --> 00:10:30,470 What you have done is theft. Horrible how a Lottery win changes someone, innit? 144 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:34,900 Number 10 is a hive of activity. 145 00:10:35,070 --> 00:10:40,630 Following a hostile meeting with the Chancellor, the Prime Minister and Sebastian are hard at it. 146 00:10:46,470 --> 00:10:52,070 - Are you going to be long, Sebastian? - Sorry, Prime Minister. My mouth's a bit full. 147 00:10:53,430 --> 00:10:55,230 Finished! 148 00:10:55,390 --> 00:11:00,390 - I didn't even realise there was a tear. - Yeah. It's right there, Prime Minister. 149 00:11:04,550 --> 00:11:10,030 Oh, um... Here are the notes from the Russian trade negotiations, Prime Minister. 150 00:11:10,190 --> 00:11:15,270 - Who am I meeting? - Some envoy from our embassy in Moscow. 151 00:11:15,430 --> 00:11:18,030 - You'd better show him in. - OK. 152 00:11:22,630 --> 00:11:25,230 The Prime Minister will see you now. 153 00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,150 Michael. 154 00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:32,830 Andrew, I had no idea it was you. 155 00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:36,990 - How the devil are you? - Can you not touch him, please?! 156 00:11:38,550 --> 00:11:43,990 Sebastian, it's all right. This is Andrew Wiltshire. He had your job... How many years ago? 157 00:11:44,150 --> 00:11:47,620 - Well, nearly five years ago. - Five years! 158 00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,990 It's good to see you. 159 00:11:50,150 --> 00:11:52,870 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 160 00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,630 - Now you're in Moscow? - Yes. 161 00:11:56,790 --> 00:12:00,580 - How have you been? - Fine. Not as much fun as working for you. 162 00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:04,430 No staying up the night of the by-election drinking tequila. 163 00:12:04,590 --> 00:12:07,390 - Don't remind me. - What was that? 164 00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:10,830 We spent some very funny drunken evenings together. 165 00:12:10,990 --> 00:12:12,990 What happened? 166 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:15,460 Nothing happened. We just got drunk. 167 00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:20,830 One time you locked yourself out of your room and knocked at my door at three in the morning. 168 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,190 Were you naked? 169 00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:27,950 - No. - What happened, then? 170 00:12:28,110 --> 00:12:30,580 Er... It's a long story. 171 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,510 Let's hear it. 172 00:12:36,030 --> 00:12:39,150 Yes, well, maybe we should get down to business. 173 00:12:39,310 --> 00:12:43,100 The Prime Minister is very busy, so if you could get to the point. 174 00:12:43,270 --> 00:12:47,670 Well, maybe the best thing is if you can take a look at these documents 175 00:12:47,830 --> 00:12:50,220 and sign them before I leave on Friday. 176 00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:54,510 - You're here till Friday? - Yes. Fancy a drink in the Commons bar? 177 00:12:54,670 --> 00:12:57,060 No, we're very busy. 178 00:12:57,230 --> 00:12:59,870 You're hurting, Sebastian. 179 00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:04,430 - Well, I'll see you at the end of the week. - Great to see you. 180 00:13:06,390 --> 00:13:09,990 - Nice to meet you, Sebastian. - Yeah, whatever. 181 00:13:12,630 --> 00:13:17,340 Prime Minister, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't invite your exes round. 182 00:13:17,510 --> 00:13:20,270 Makes me feel very uncomfortable. 183 00:13:20,430 --> 00:13:23,630 Sebastian, I really need to read these papers. 184 00:13:35,270 --> 00:13:37,790 Did you sleep with him? 185 00:13:40,870 --> 00:13:45,350 This is the house that stage hypnotist Kenny Craig shares with his mother. 186 00:13:46,670 --> 00:13:51,110 I still live with my mother, although she died many years ago. 187 00:13:51,270 --> 00:13:53,470 There you go, love. 188 00:13:56,390 --> 00:13:57,910 Ohhh... 189 00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:02,470 Oh, I forgot the sugar. You couldn't be a love and get it, could you? 190 00:14:02,630 --> 00:14:05,790 - Mum, ''Thundercats''. - I've just sat down. 191 00:14:06,790 --> 00:14:11,500 Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under. 192 00:14:11,670 --> 00:14:16,590 You may be old, but you're still capable of bringing the sugar bowl. Three, two, one. 193 00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:20,830 - You're back in the room. - Oh, I'll just go and get the sugar. 194 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:25,510 I know you've got some Orange Viscounts, so can you bring those in, please? 195 00:14:25,670 --> 00:14:27,670 Very lazy person. 196 00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:29,830 Here you are. 197 00:14:32,430 --> 00:14:35,980 Oh, what time is it? ''Songs Of Praise'' is on the other side. 198 00:14:36,150 --> 00:14:41,270 Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under. 199 00:14:41,430 --> 00:14:47,350 This is a classic episode of ''Thundercats''. ''Songs Of Praise'' is just all about God. 200 00:14:47,510 --> 00:14:51,910 Three... You don't believe in God so you don't want to watch it. Three, two, one. 201 00:14:52,070 --> 00:14:55,860 - You're back in the room. - We'll just stick with ''Thunderbirds''. 202 00:14:56,030 --> 00:14:58,390 - ''Thundercats.'' - Thunder what? 203 00:14:58,550 --> 00:15:01,230 Ugh! Look into my eyes. My eyes. ''Thundercats''! 204 00:15:01,390 --> 00:15:04,110 - ''Thundercats''? - Yes. Good. 205 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:08,670 You'll have to turn it off soon. I've got the girls coming round for gin rummy. 206 00:15:08,830 --> 00:15:12,300 Oh, give me strength! Look into my eyes. Into my eyes. 207 00:15:12,470 --> 00:15:18,190 Sorry, love. Can I just get my glasses? It might work better with them on. Right, ready. 208 00:15:23,870 --> 00:15:30,270 It's five to Jill, and Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Beagrie his work outside of the hospital. 209 00:15:31,270 --> 00:15:37,140 Anne likes to come to this park. I encourage it. Feeding the ducks can be very calming. 210 00:15:37,310 --> 00:15:40,510 - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - Anne loves those ducks. 211 00:15:40,670 --> 00:15:43,670 - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - She's always feeding them. 212 00:15:43,830 --> 00:15:47,910 - Eh! Eh! Ehh! - I don't know if Anne has a favourite duck. 213 00:15:48,070 --> 00:15:52,350 - Eh! Ehhh! - There used to be swans here. Not any more. 214 00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:03,070 I suppose Anne is just one of those people who loves wildlife. 215 00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:13,420 It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Man is looking for a birthday card. 216 00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:16,390 I had a birthday once. I was 44. 217 00:16:24,430 --> 00:16:26,350 - Hello. - Hello. 218 00:16:26,510 --> 00:16:30,990 Sorry. I was just about to take my lunch hour. Em... Er... 219 00:16:31,150 --> 00:16:33,430 Margaret! Margaret! 220 00:16:39,670 --> 00:16:41,470 Yes? 221 00:16:41,630 --> 00:16:46,500 I was just about to take my lunch hour. Can you come downstairs and serve a gentleman? 222 00:16:46,670 --> 00:16:49,190 I don't have any arms or legs. 223 00:16:53,110 --> 00:16:55,500 Sorry, Margaret. I forgot. 224 00:16:57,390 --> 00:17:02,070 - So, how can I help? - Hello, I would like to purchase a birthday card. 225 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:04,870 Right, well, these are all birthday cards. 226 00:17:05,030 --> 00:17:07,790 - For a man. - These are the men's cards. 227 00:17:07,950 --> 00:17:10,070 Who is 60... 228 00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:13,590 ..5. 229 00:17:18,230 --> 00:17:20,230 He hates dogs. 230 00:17:21,710 --> 00:17:23,670 And cats. 231 00:17:26,350 --> 00:17:30,350 - And cartoon frogs. - Does he hate ALL animals? 232 00:17:30,510 --> 00:17:34,670 No, he likes single-cell organisms like amoebas. 233 00:17:34,830 --> 00:17:39,390 Well, I can't see any amoeba-based cards here. One moment. 234 00:17:40,790 --> 00:17:43,070 Margaret! Margaret! 235 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:46,190 Do we have any cards with single-cell organisms? 236 00:17:46,350 --> 00:17:49,150 - Like amoebas. - Like amoebas. 237 00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:52,620 - I don't think so, no. - She doesn't think so, no. 238 00:17:52,790 --> 00:17:54,790 - Oh. - Oh. 239 00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:57,710 Well, I don't know what to suggest. 240 00:17:58,550 --> 00:18:01,020 Oh, he loves the C... 241 00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,950 ..word. 242 00:18:06,070 --> 00:18:10,230 Well, I can assure you we don't have anything with that in it. 243 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,860 Don't worry. I can write that in myself. 244 00:18:13,830 --> 00:18:17,430 Do you have any cards that just say, ''Happy 65th birthday... 245 00:18:21,510 --> 00:18:23,070 - ''Michael Phillipedes''? - Well, no. 246 00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:25,590 ''Mike Phillipedes''? 247 00:18:31,470 --> 00:18:37,190 In Grope, PCs Bryce and Rawlinson have some sad news to impart. 248 00:18:38,310 --> 00:18:40,700 Mrs Harris, there's been an accident. 249 00:18:42,070 --> 00:18:45,110 I'm afraid your husband was killed in a car crash. 250 00:18:45,270 --> 00:18:46,870 No! 251 00:18:47,030 --> 00:18:49,500 I'm terribly sorry. 252 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,150 No! 253 00:18:51,310 --> 00:18:54,830 He was involved in a collision with a heavy goods vehicle. 254 00:18:54,990 --> 00:18:56,990 Oh, no! 255 00:18:57,150 --> 00:19:01,070 Paramedics were called, but Ken was pronounced dead at the scene. 256 00:19:05,070 --> 00:19:06,670 Ken? 257 00:19:06,830 --> 00:19:12,390 - Yes, I'm afraid so. - But my husband's Jonathan. Jonathan Harris. 258 00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:19,740 It was a black Ford Mondeo, registration K5... 259 00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:22,910 No, no, we only have a Fiesta. 260 00:19:27,950 --> 00:19:30,550 We must have got the wrong house. 261 00:19:33,870 --> 00:19:36,180 Oh, I don't believe it. 262 00:19:36,350 --> 00:19:39,350 You want the other Mrs Harris, three doors down. 263 00:19:39,510 --> 00:19:41,900 You couldn't make it up! 264 00:19:43,110 --> 00:19:45,110 Excuse us. 265 00:19:47,310 --> 00:19:48,630 Yeah. 266 00:19:48,790 --> 00:19:53,500 In Troot, Jeremy Rent has just clinched another major deal for one of his clients. 267 00:19:53,670 --> 00:19:57,950 So that's Colin Baker to open your church fête this Saturday at two. 268 00:19:58,110 --> 00:20:01,710 Oh, I can throw in Bonnie Langford for an extra £10. No? 269 00:20:01,870 --> 00:20:03,870 Please yourself. Bye-bye. 270 00:20:04,590 --> 00:20:07,230 - (BUZZER) - Dennis Waterman to see you. 271 00:20:07,390 --> 00:20:09,510 Oh, lovely. Send him in. 272 00:20:09,670 --> 00:20:12,790 - I'll take it for him. - Hello. Oh, careful. 273 00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:15,340 It's all right. I've got it. 274 00:20:18,990 --> 00:20:21,380 There we go. 275 00:20:21,550 --> 00:20:25,260 Now, you know they're showing ''Minder'' again on UK Gold? 276 00:20:25,430 --> 00:20:29,310 - Oh, yes? - Your repeat fee money came through. 277 00:20:29,470 --> 00:20:32,030 Ooh! Thank you. 278 00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:34,580 There's been lots of interest in you. 279 00:20:34,750 --> 00:20:38,710 The BBC would like you to be on ''Never Mind The Buzzcocks''. 280 00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:42,550 Oh, brilliant! It's my favourite. 281 00:20:42,710 --> 00:20:47,910 I love the bit when Phill Jupitus spontaneously gets up on the desk every week. 282 00:20:48,070 --> 00:20:52,030 So, they've offered £50, but I think I can get them up to 55. 283 00:20:52,190 --> 00:20:54,500 Oh, I forgot your biscuit. 284 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,950 - Don't worry about that. - I insist. 285 00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:59,580 I'm trying to cut down, but I... 286 00:21:10,710 --> 00:21:13,390 So, ''Buzzcocks''. Would you like to do it? 287 00:21:14,470 --> 00:21:19,790 So they want me to be on the panel, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? 288 00:21:19,950 --> 00:21:24,150 No, they've got a theme tune. They'd just like you to be on the panel. 289 00:21:24,310 --> 00:21:26,620 £55, Dennis. 290 00:21:27,630 --> 00:21:33,030 # This show is called ''Never Mind The Buzzcocks'', do-do do-do 291 00:21:33,190 --> 00:21:37,870 # It's hosted by the comedian and broadcaster Mark Lamarr, do-do-do do-do 292 00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:42,030 # Phill Jupitus is a team captain So is Bill Bailey 293 00:21:42,190 --> 00:21:45,190 # He took over from Sean Hughes # 294 00:21:45,350 --> 00:21:48,710 - I'll tell them you're busy. - Yeah. 295 00:21:48,870 --> 00:21:52,230 Oh! Jeremy! There's a mouse in here. 296 00:21:52,390 --> 00:21:55,230 He's back again, is he? He'll soon scuttle out. 297 00:22:09,950 --> 00:22:15,590 In Grope, PCs Bryce and Rawlinson still have some sad news to impart. 298 00:22:19,670 --> 00:22:24,070 We have some bad news. There's been an accident. 299 00:22:24,230 --> 00:22:29,550 I'm afraid your husband, Ken Harris, was killed in a car crash this morning. 300 00:22:29,710 --> 00:22:31,110 No. 301 00:22:32,070 --> 00:22:33,470 No. 302 00:22:33,630 --> 00:22:35,830 God, no. Please. 303 00:22:36,950 --> 00:22:39,340 We're terribly sorry. 304 00:22:39,510 --> 00:22:41,430 Ken's dead? 305 00:22:41,590 --> 00:22:43,980 I'm afraid so, madam. 306 00:22:44,150 --> 00:22:49,950 His black Ford Mondeo was involved in a collision with a heavy goods vehicle. 307 00:22:50,110 --> 00:22:54,710 Paramedics were called, but Ken was pronounced dead at the scene. 308 00:23:03,430 --> 00:23:05,550 Funny thing, actually... 309 00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:09,310 After an audition for a production of ''Hamlet'', 310 00:23:09,470 --> 00:23:12,940 the littlest homo, Dafydd Thomas, is off to the pub. 311 00:23:13,110 --> 00:23:15,710 - Afternoon, Dafydd. - Queer basher! 312 00:23:25,390 --> 00:23:29,350 - Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy. - Coming right up. 313 00:23:32,030 --> 00:23:36,030 - So, how did the audition go? - It was a complete waste of time. 314 00:23:36,190 --> 00:23:39,190 The director said he couldn't see me as Hamlet. 315 00:23:39,350 --> 00:23:44,510 The Llandewi Breffi Amateur Dramatic Society is completely homophobist. 316 00:23:44,670 --> 00:23:49,110 - What audition speech did you do? - ''It's Raining Men'' by the Weather Girls. 317 00:23:49,270 --> 00:23:53,310 - Well, maybe you'll get a part in the panto. - I doubt it, Myfanwy. 318 00:23:53,470 --> 00:23:57,070 It's difficult for gay people to make it in the theatre. 319 00:23:57,230 --> 00:24:00,470 I cannot think of a single gay actor. 320 00:24:01,670 --> 00:24:04,870 - Oh, I nearly forgot. Your brother rang. - Really? 321 00:24:05,030 --> 00:24:10,110 He's going to pop over. He's got something to tell your ma and da and he wants your advice. 322 00:24:10,270 --> 00:24:14,870 I wonder what it could be. Hope he hasn't got some girl pregnant. 323 00:24:17,510 --> 00:24:19,820 - Hiya. - Hello, Dewi. 324 00:24:19,990 --> 00:24:23,590 - Oh, he's brought his friend Pedro. Hello. - Hola! 325 00:24:25,710 --> 00:24:28,100 Dos Bacardi y Coke, por favor. 326 00:24:30,910 --> 00:24:34,540 - So, Dewi, what's the matter? - Um... 327 00:24:34,710 --> 00:24:36,860 Well... Um... 328 00:24:37,030 --> 00:24:39,310 Sela, sela, sel. Sela, sela. 329 00:24:39,470 --> 00:24:43,230 Ohh, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Nancy boy. 330 00:24:44,070 --> 00:24:50,230 You know I've always looked up to you. I'm thinking of coming out and I wanted your advice. 331 00:24:50,390 --> 00:24:53,150 Oh, right. Sorry, coming out as what? 332 00:24:53,310 --> 00:24:56,470 Well...as gay. 333 00:24:56,630 --> 00:24:58,230 What?! 334 00:24:58,390 --> 00:25:01,630 You're gay? I had no idea! 335 00:25:01,790 --> 00:25:05,180 I suppose I've hidden it quite well. 336 00:25:05,350 --> 00:25:09,060 - Have you told Pedro? - Sí. Pollo dollo culo. 337 00:25:11,270 --> 00:25:15,150 - Pedro knows. - Well, you mustn't tell Ma and Da. 338 00:25:15,310 --> 00:25:19,390 - Why not? - We've already got one gay in this family. 339 00:25:19,550 --> 00:25:22,940 - But they need to know. - All right. Let me think. 340 00:25:23,110 --> 00:25:27,550 - How do you feel about being bisexual? - But I'm not. I'm gay. 341 00:25:27,710 --> 00:25:29,630 Bisexual? 342 00:25:29,790 --> 00:25:31,790 Ugh! Horrible! 343 00:25:31,950 --> 00:25:34,420 Couldn't you at least try it? 344 00:25:34,590 --> 00:25:37,390 The boy likes cock, Dafydd. 345 00:25:39,230 --> 00:25:43,830 - Look at him. He's bloody gagging for it. - Sí, señora. Huh? 346 00:25:43,990 --> 00:25:47,300 Uno, dos, tres, cuatro. Whoo-hoo-hoo! 347 00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:51,790 I am sorry, Myfanwy, I am not having a gay brother. 348 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:56,350 Oh, he was like this when I told him about my first taste of fanny. 349 00:25:57,350 --> 00:26:01,950 I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm off home to tell them. Come along, Pedro. 350 00:26:02,110 --> 00:26:05,270 - Sexo? - Later. 351 00:26:08,590 --> 00:26:13,070 Dafydd Thomas, that was no way to speak to your brother and his boyfriend. 352 00:26:13,230 --> 00:26:15,540 Pedro's gay, too?! 353 00:26:19,070 --> 00:26:21,270 At this supermarket in Herby, 354 00:26:21,430 --> 00:26:25,630 Lou has spent all of his Jobseeker's Allowance on food for Andy. 355 00:26:25,790 --> 00:26:29,670 - You forgot the Monster Munch. - We've got plenty of those at home. 356 00:26:29,830 --> 00:26:32,190 Yeah, I know. 357 00:26:32,350 --> 00:26:34,350 Oh, no! 358 00:26:34,510 --> 00:26:37,430 Look what some silly ass has done. 359 00:26:37,590 --> 00:26:40,030 I can't get the van out now. 360 00:26:40,190 --> 00:26:42,660 Oh. Well, you wait here. 361 00:26:42,830 --> 00:26:46,910 I'll see if I can find someone. Oh, what a kerfuffle. 362 00:26:47,070 --> 00:26:51,670 - I'm going to miss ''My Hero''. - There's not a lot I can do. Be as quick as I can. 363 00:26:51,830 --> 00:26:53,750 ''My Hero.'' 364 00:27:26,110 --> 00:27:28,950 Oh, no, I don't think we need you any more. 365 00:27:33,830 --> 00:27:37,140 And so we end our trip round Little Britain. 366 00:27:37,310 --> 00:27:42,870 I must go now, because this room is full of rats and I'm currently being eaten alive. 367 00:27:43,030 --> 00:27:44,830 Good fry! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net