Britain, Britain, Britain!
Cultural capital of the world.
The Sistine Chapel, British.
Mozart's ''Requiem'', British.
The Great Wall of China, British.
But none of that stuff would have even been invented were it not for the people of Britain.
The men, the women, the boys, the girls and the monkey-children
that populate this well-fit country.
Let's 'ave it!
Vicky Pollard hates smoking, except in places where it is prohibited.
Put that cigarette out, please.
And that one.
- See your ticket, please. - Yeah, I've got my ticket.
Got it here.
I've warned you. If you don't have a ticket, get off.
God, that is so unfair! This is well sexual harassment. If you fancy me, just say so.
Exactly like the time Miss Rennet, a total lesbian,
made Candice stay behind for gobbing on Samigi Gaswani's hair,
but she wanted to get off with her
'cause her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.
You don't have a ticket. Get off at the next stop.
It's OK, Vicky. I got you a ticket. One for you, one for me.
- Thank you. - What did you do that for, you total virgin?
I don't need a ticket. I'm Vicky Pollard. If anyone hears, they'll think I'm sad.
Like the time Tony told the fourth year that I shat myself on the field trip.
It wasn't me. It was Bernice. I made a tape of her admitting it.
Anyone who says I'm not hard gets spannered.
Sorry, Vicky. Don't look like we'll get chucked off.
That's what YOU reckon.
- Oi! - Haven't finished yet.
So rude.
Meanwheel, in Herby...
Now, are you sure you don't mind sitting for a bit and watching?
- Yeah. - You sure?
- Yeah. - Last time we came, you said it was boring.
You said, Torvill and Dean's Barnum routine aside, ice-skating was aesthetically bankrupt.
Yeah, I know.
All right. I'll only be 20 minutes or so. Oh, um...
- Which do you want? - That one.
- Cheese and onion. Right. - And I want that one.
Right. See you in a bit, then.
Wish me luck.
Catch me breath.
What a kerfuffle. Come on, Louis. You can do this.
At this jeweller's in Gristle, a robbery has just taken place.
So, Viv, you were standing here at the time of the robbery when three men came in.
One of them was carrying a gun. What did he look like?
Oh, he was gorgeous! Lovely, he was.
He had lovely, long hair and he was wearing tight jeans.
He looked me. I thought I was going to melt. Oh, he was a nosh.
I see. Did you get a look at the second man?
Yes, I did. Oh, he was gorgeous!
He was short. He wasn't what I normally go for. I like 'em tall, like you.
But he was gorgeous! He had this voice like, ''Put the money in the bag. No one'll get hurt.''
Oh, he put me in mind of a young Patrick Mower. Brrr!
- And the third man? - Oh, he was gorgeous!
Black, he was, but that don't bother me. Phwoar!
- Oh, he was... What's the word? - Gorgeous?
Hands off! I seen him first! Oh, he was lush!
I would very much like to have had sex with him.
Yes, thank you. One last question.
- Did you see the getaway driver? - Oh, was there a getaway driver?
Yes, there was. He was parked outside the shop in a metallic-blue Vauxhall Corsa.
Oh, I'm not sure whether I...
Now, come on, Viv. Think. This is important.
I must have done. I saw them run out. You're right.
They got into a blue car and there was a man sitting in the front seat, and...
Oh, he was gorgeous!
To keep fit, people in Britain go to gymnasia.
I don't need to take exercise as I have the body of an Adonis.
- All right? - Yeah.
- Are you using this? - Yeah, I've just got one more set to do.
You must get this all the time, but you look like Mr T.
- Who? - Mr T. The bloke out of ''The A-Team''.
- Oh, I haven't seen it. - The guy with the Mohican, the gold chains.
- He was in ''Rocky''. - Not Sylvester Stallone?
No, his name's Mr T. Honestly, he looks just like you.
Oh. Oh, well, I'll look out for him.
- Is that yours? - Eh?
Oh.
Cheers.
- What's that show called? - ''The A-Team.''
- I think they show it on UK Gold.
- Oh, yeah? And it's Mr P? - No, Mr T.
Mr T. Right.
See you.
Men dressing up in women's clothing is, in my view, a disgusting perversion.
Yes, I'm sitting here in bra and panties, but I draw the line there.
- Two ladies. A lady and a lady out for a stroll. - Not men. Definitely not men.
Oh, Florence, regardez les enfants...playing...footie.
Oh, how enchanting. You used to play football, didn't you?
- Oh, no, no. - You did. You were left back for QPR.
- Florence, please remember I am a lady. - Mate, can we have our ball back, please?
- Leave it, Emily. - Florence, I can't help it.
- Fight it, Emily. - I can't. Oh!
Be strong, Emily! Think of ladies' things.
Oh!
Whooooah!
I think we got away with that. Au revoir!
If I had my way, fat people would be strangled at birth.
Unfortunately, they're permitted to live.
Before we start, congratulations are in order.
Aren't they, Meera? Because, FatFighters, we have a National Lottery winner in our midsts.
Not the jackpot. That went to a white man.
But Meera Sharma... I am pronouncing it right, aren't I?
..chose correctly five numbers plus the bonus ball,
and won herself two hundred and fourteen thousand pounds.
How about that?
Anyway, what I think is important is that none of us here treats her any differently.
- Isn't that right, my beautiful Asian friend? - Yes, Marjorie.
''Yes, Marjorie.'' Perfect English. Well done. A lot of them don't make the effort.
Now, before we go any further,
last week I gave you all the new - they are new - FatFighters diet sheets to fill out or fill in.
Can I have them back, please?
Thank you, Paul. Ryvita for breakfast.
Yeah, right (!) What did you have on it? Lard?
No one likes a liar, Paul.
Thank you. It says you had fruit for lunch.
- That's right. - Chocolate orange? Eh, Meera?
Choc-o-late orange? I don't know, you fatties.
Oh, that smells lovely! Have a sniff of that.
'Cause a lot of people say they smell funny, but I don't think so. No, I'm all for Asians.
Where'd you get your safari from? I'd love one of them. And one of them red dots.
And ain't she got lovely handwriting?
Just as well. You'll be writing cheques for all your family in India.
- New Malden. - Oh.
Have you thought what you're gonna do with it?
Tell you what I'd do. I'd pay off my mortgage. I'd go on holiday.
The rest of it, I'd share with my friends here at FatFighters. Is that what you're gonna do?
- I haven't decided. - She hasn't decided. Just slow down, you lot.
- Please, stop mentioning it. - Yes, can we all please now stop mentioning it?
Dear, oh, dear, Meera. They're like vultures.
Sorry, Meera. Vultures. A bird. Like chicken balti without the balti.
Right, come on. We've got to get through this now.
Day one. Breakfast.
Actually, I will just say... Sorry, it's playing on my mind.
Mum's not well again, and all she wants, really, is one last trip to Barbados.
But... Money, innit? Mm? Eh?
Isn't that right, my gorgeous Asian lady? Money, money, money. Give it to me.
Now, these... I spend. I do my numbers on a Saturday.
I do five Lucky Dip midweek. I do Scratchcards.
I haven't won a penny, and I have lived in this country all my life. It's theft.
What you have done is theft. Horrible how a Lottery win changes someone, innit?
Number 10 is a hive of activity.
Following a hostile meeting with the Chancellor, the Prime Minister and Sebastian are hard at it.
- Are you going to be long, Sebastian? - Sorry, Prime Minister. My mouth's a bit full.
Finished!
- I didn't even realise there was a tear. - Yeah. It's right there, Prime Minister.
Oh, um... Here are the notes from the Russian trade negotiations, Prime Minister.
- Who am I meeting? - Some envoy from our embassy in Moscow.
- You'd better show him in. - OK.
The Prime Minister will see you now.
Michael.
Andrew, I had no idea it was you.
- How the devil are you? - Can you not touch him, please?!
Sebastian, it's all right. This is Andrew Wiltshire. He had your job... How many years ago?
- Well, nearly five years ago. - Five years!
It's good to see you.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
- Now you're in Moscow? - Yes.
- How have you been? - Fine. Not as much fun as working for you.
No staying up the night of the by-election drinking tequila.
- Don't remind me. - What was that?
We spent some very funny drunken evenings together.
What happened?
Nothing happened. We just got drunk.
One time you locked yourself out of your room and knocked at my door at three in the morning.
Were you naked?
- No. - What happened, then?
Er... It's a long story.
Let's hear it.
Yes, well, maybe we should get down to business.
The Prime Minister is very busy, so if you could get to the point.
Well, maybe the best thing is if you can take a look at these documents
and sign them before I leave on Friday.
- You're here till Friday? - Yes. Fancy a drink in the Commons bar?
No, we're very busy.
You're hurting, Sebastian.
- Well, I'll see you at the end of the week. - Great to see you.
- Nice to meet you, Sebastian. - Yeah, whatever.
Prime Minister, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't invite your exes round.
Makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Sebastian, I really need to read these papers.
Did you sleep with him?
This is the house that stage hypnotist Kenny Craig shares with his mother.
I still live with my mother, although she died many years ago.
There you go, love.
Ohhh...
Oh, I forgot the sugar. You couldn't be a love and get it, could you?
- Mum, ''Thundercats''. - I've just sat down.
Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under.
You may be old, but you're still capable of bringing the sugar bowl. Three, two, one.
- You're back in the room. - Oh, I'll just go and get the sugar.
I know you've got some Orange Viscounts, so can you bring those in, please?
Very lazy person.
Here you are.
Oh, what time is it? ''Songs Of Praise'' is on the other side.
Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under.
This is a classic episode of ''Thundercats''. ''Songs Of Praise'' is just all about God.
Three... You don't believe in God so you don't want to watch it. Three, two, one.
- You're back in the room. - We'll just stick with ''Thunderbirds''.
- ''Thundercats.'' - Thunder what?
Ugh! Look into my eyes. My eyes. ''Thundercats''!
- ''Thundercats''? - Yes. Good.
You'll have to turn it off soon. I've got the girls coming round for gin rummy.
Oh, give me strength! Look into my eyes. Into my eyes.
Sorry, love. Can I just get my glasses? It might work better with them on. Right, ready.
It's five to Jill, and Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Beagrie his work outside of the hospital.
Anne likes to come to this park. I encourage it. Feeding the ducks can be very calming.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - Anne loves those ducks.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - She's always feeding them.
- Eh! Eh! Ehh! - I don't know if Anne has a favourite duck.
- Eh! Ehhh! - There used to be swans here. Not any more.
I suppose Anne is just one of those people who loves wildlife.
It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Man is looking for a birthday card.
I had a birthday once. I was 44.
- Hello. - Hello.
Sorry. I was just about to take my lunch hour. Em... Er...
Margaret! Margaret!
Yes?
I was just about to take my lunch hour. Can you come downstairs and serve a gentleman?
I don't have any arms or legs.
Sorry, Margaret. I forgot.
- So, how can I help? - Hello, I would like to purchase a birthday card.
Right, well, these are all birthday cards.
- For a man. - These are the men's cards.
Who is 60...
..5.
He hates dogs.
And cats.
- And cartoon frogs. - Does he hate ALL animals?
No, he likes single-cell organisms like amoebas.
Well, I can't see any amoeba-based cards here. One moment.
Margaret! Margaret!
Do we have any cards with single-cell organisms?
- Like amoebas. - Like amoebas.
- I don't think so, no. - She doesn't think so, no.
- Oh. - Oh.
Well, I don't know what to suggest.
Oh, he loves the C...
..word.
Well, I can assure you we don't have anything with that in it.
Don't worry. I can write that in myself.
Do you have any cards that just say, ''Happy 65th birthday...
- ''Michael Phillipedes''? - Well, no.
''Mike Phillipedes''?
In Grope, PCs Bryce and Rawlinson have some sad news to impart.
Mrs Harris, there's been an accident.
I'm afraid your husband was killed in a car crash.
No!
I'm terribly sorry.
No!
He was involved in a collision with a heavy goods vehicle.
Oh, no!
Paramedics were called, but Ken was pronounced dead at the scene.
Ken?
- Yes, I'm afraid so. - But my husband's Jonathan. Jonathan Harris.
It was a black Ford Mondeo, registration K5...
No, no, we only have a Fiesta.
We must have got the wrong house.
Oh, I don't believe it.
You want the other Mrs Harris, three doors down.
You couldn't make it up!
Excuse us.
Yeah.
In Troot, Jeremy Rent has just clinched another major deal for one of his clients.
So that's Colin Baker to open your church fête this Saturday at two.
Oh, I can throw in Bonnie Langford for an extra £10. No?
Please yourself. Bye-bye.
- (BUZZER) - Dennis Waterman to see you.
Oh, lovely. Send him in.
- I'll take it for him. - Hello. Oh, careful.
It's all right. I've got it.
There we go.
Now, you know they're showing ''Minder'' again on UK Gold?
- Oh, yes? - Your repeat fee money came through.
Ooh! Thank you.
There's been lots of interest in you.
The BBC would like you to be on ''Never Mind The Buzzcocks''.
Oh, brilliant! It's my favourite.
I love the bit when Phill Jupitus spontaneously gets up on the desk every week.
So, they've offered £50, but I think I can get them up to 55.
Oh, I forgot your biscuit.
- Don't worry about that. - I insist.
I'm trying to cut down, but I...
So, ''Buzzcocks''. Would you like to do it?
So they want me to be on the panel, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
No, they've got a theme tune. They'd just like you to be on the panel.
£55, Dennis.
# This show is called ''Never Mind The Buzzcocks'', do-do do-do
# It's hosted by the comedian and broadcaster Mark Lamarr, do-do-do do-do
# Phill Jupitus is a team captain So is Bill Bailey
# He took over from Sean Hughes #
- I'll tell them you're busy. - Yeah.
Oh! Jeremy! There's a mouse in here.
He's back again, is he? He'll soon scuttle out.
In Grope, PCs Bryce and Rawlinson still have some sad news to impart.
We have some bad news. There's been an accident.
I'm afraid your husband, Ken Harris, was killed in a car crash this morning.
No.
God, no. Please.
We're terribly sorry.
Ken's dead?
I'm afraid so, madam.
His black Ford Mondeo was involved in a collision with a heavy goods vehicle.
Paramedics were called, but Ken was pronounced dead at the scene.
Funny thing, actually...
After an audition for a production of ''Hamlet'',
the littlest homo, Dafydd Thomas, is off to the pub.
- Afternoon, Dafydd. - Queer basher!
- Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy. - Coming right up.
- So, how did the audition go? - It was a complete waste of time.
The director said he couldn't see me as Hamlet.
The Llandewi Breffi Amateur Dramatic Society is completely homophobist.
- What audition speech did you do? - ''It's Raining Men'' by the Weather Girls.
- Well, maybe you'll get a part in the panto. - I doubt it, Myfanwy.
It's difficult for gay people to make it in the theatre.
I cannot think of a single gay actor.
- Oh, I nearly forgot. Your brother rang. - Really?
He's going to pop over. He's got something to tell your ma and da and he wants your advice.
I wonder what it could be. Hope he hasn't got some girl pregnant.
- Hiya. - Hello, Dewi.
- Oh, he's brought his friend Pedro. Hello. - Hola!
Dos Bacardi y Coke, por favor.
- So, Dewi, what's the matter? - Um...
Well... Um...
Sela, sela, sel. Sela, sela.
Ohh, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Nancy boy.
You know I've always looked up to you. I'm thinking of coming out and I wanted your advice.
Oh, right. Sorry, coming out as what?
Well...as gay.
What?!
You're gay? I had no idea!
I suppose I've hidden it quite well.
- Have you told Pedro? - Sí. Pollo dollo culo.
- Pedro knows. - Well, you mustn't tell Ma and Da.
- Why not? - We've already got one gay in this family.
- But they need to know. - All right. Let me think.
- How do you feel about being bisexual? - But I'm not. I'm gay.
Bisexual?
Ugh! Horrible!
Couldn't you at least try it?
The boy likes cock, Dafydd.
- Look at him. He's bloody gagging for it. - Sí, señora. Huh?
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
I am sorry, Myfanwy, I am not having a gay brother.
Oh, he was like this when I told him about my first taste of fanny.
I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm off home to tell them. Come along, Pedro.
- Sexo? - Later.
Dafydd Thomas, that was no way to speak to your brother and his boyfriend.
Pedro's gay, too?!
At this supermarket in Herby,
Lou has spent all of his Jobseeker's Allowance on food for Andy.
- You forgot the Monster Munch. - We've got plenty of those at home.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, no!
Look what some silly ass has done.
I can't get the van out now.
Oh. Well, you wait here.
I'll see if I can find someone. Oh, what a kerfuffle.
- I'm going to miss ''My Hero''. - There's not a lot I can do. Be as quick as I can.
''My Hero.''
Oh, no, I don't think we need you any more.
And so we end our trip round Little Britain.
I must go now, because this room is full of rats and I'm currently being eaten alive.
Good fry!
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