1 00:00:00,820 --> 00:00:03,280 Britain, Britain, Britain! 2 00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:07,130 Recently awarded the OBE. But why? 3 00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:11,080 Not just because we won all those wars or invented the scone. 4 00:00:11,260 --> 00:00:14,490 No, it's because of the people of Britain, 5 00:00:14,660 --> 00:00:20,530 the British, Brits, or scum, as we are affectionately known around the world. 6 00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:23,490 Let's take a trip around this fragrant isle, 7 00:00:23,660 --> 00:00:27,250 and find out just who are they and what are their doings. 8 00:00:27,420 --> 00:00:28,930 Bring it on! 9 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:34,170 The police, or pigs, as they are affectionately known, 10 00:00:34,340 --> 00:00:36,980 are always busy solving crimes. 11 00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:42,810 Popular crimes include armed robbery, GBH and my particular favourite, murder. 12 00:00:44,820 --> 00:00:49,130 Perhaps the next time you try to steal a horse, you'll think again. Don't tut! 13 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:51,940 I'm letting you off with a warning. You're lucky. 14 00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:56,010 All right! Who do you think you are, the law or something? 15 00:00:58,820 --> 00:01:01,210 Ten hundred thousand pounds? 16 00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:07,280 So, Vicky, you say you witnessed the robbery. 17 00:01:07,460 --> 00:01:12,480 No but, yeah but, no, because this robbery happened because this thief robbed this bank. 18 00:01:12,660 --> 00:01:16,540 - It was a jeweller's. - Yeah, and I saw the man who's done it. 19 00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:21,290 He was so guilty because it was him and I done a drawing and he looks like that. 20 00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:23,890 Can I have ten hundred thousand pounds? 21 00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:29,340 - You didn't see anything, did you? - Oh, my God! I so can't believe you said that! 22 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:34,490 He tried to nick my Reebok trainers, so I should get ''consempation'' for that as well. 23 00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:37,730 You know it's an offence to waste police time? 24 00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:42,690 No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, because I'm not wasting police time 25 00:01:42,860 --> 00:01:47,930 because Misha saw the whole thing because she was going to get off with Luke Griffiths, 26 00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:52,490 only she never because he's been growing a moustache but it looks like pubes, 27 00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:57,370 only don't tell Bethany because she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec. 28 00:01:57,540 --> 00:02:00,890 - What has this got to do with it? - I'm getting there. 29 00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:04,250 This whole other thing happened because Ellie Barnes 30 00:02:04,420 --> 00:02:08,970 said that Craig Wiltshire's brother left a rubber Johnny on Miss Turner's desk. 31 00:02:09,140 --> 00:02:11,450 We're just interested in the robbery. 32 00:02:11,620 --> 00:02:17,210 Robbery? I ain't done no robbery. This is like the time Samina said I threw a tampon at Ian. 33 00:02:17,380 --> 00:02:22,580 She was well out of order to say that. I would so never do that. It was a panty-pad. 34 00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:27,730 - You have no idea who committed this crime. - My God, I so can't believe you said that! 35 00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:32,690 I was well just about to tell you who, like, the whole robber was, and everything. 36 00:02:32,860 --> 00:02:36,050 - Are you all finished in here? - Yeah. 37 00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:38,290 She done it. 38 00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:42,650 Oh, my God, did you see that? She well just gave me guilties. 39 00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:49,730 The people of Pox are enjoying light refreshments after their annual carol service. 40 00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:53,290 I love Carols, though I do prefer Barbaras. 41 00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:55,970 - Lovely service, Vicar. - Yes, Vicar. 42 00:02:56,140 --> 00:03:00,130 - Thank you, ladies. - To hear the children sing all those carols. 43 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:04,490 - That is the true meaning of Christmas. - Yes, they did do well. 44 00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:09,330 - But it's all down to the choirmaster. - Oh, thank you, Vicar. Mince pie, ladies? 45 00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,730 Oh, thank you. Oh, they're still hot. 46 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,090 Mmm... 47 00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:19,010 - Lovely. Did you make these? - Yes, with my partner, Stephen. 48 00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:44,170 By the way, I thought the solo in ''Silent Night'' was divine. 49 00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:46,050 Thank you. 50 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:50,860 It's five to Jackie S, not Jackie P, 51 00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:55,610 and in the northern town of Dirty Boy lies this sublime newsagent's. 52 00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,170 Hello. 53 00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:08,370 - Thirsty? - Yeah. 54 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,050 Hungry? 55 00:04:22,460 --> 00:04:25,650 Looking to catch up on the day's news and sport? 56 00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:38,540 Hoping to write letter to friend or relative? 57 00:04:48,140 --> 00:04:50,090 Planning a wank? 58 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,650 Just these. 59 00:05:00,420 --> 00:05:05,540 - Can I take your order, sir? - Yes. I'll have the foie gras to start. 60 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:09,610 - And for your main course, sir? - The poached guinea fowl. 61 00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:14,930 - Would you like vegetables with that, sir? - Just dauphinoise potatoes. 62 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,740 Excellent choice, sir. 63 00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,770 And a Double Decker. 64 00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,250 Today, Emily is taking Florence to the ballet. 65 00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:33,690 Emily, you're sure this is what ladies wear when they go down the ballet? 66 00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:37,490 Trust me, my dear Florence. All the best ladies dress like this. 67 00:05:37,660 --> 00:05:41,250 Now, just do as I do, and no one will suspect a thing. 68 00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:45,650 I love to slip into a tutu. 69 00:05:45,820 --> 00:05:48,090 Bishop Desmond Tutu. 70 00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:56,730 Good evening. Two ladies' tickets for the ballet, s'il vous plaît. 71 00:05:56,900 --> 00:06:00,890 They're all the same price, sir. Where would you like to sit? 72 00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:04,130 - In a seat, please. - Yes, facing the stage. 73 00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:08,970 - We love the ballet, you see. - Yes, we're just two ladies who love the ballet. 74 00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:11,890 Florence was very nearly a ballerina herself. 75 00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:17,130 - Yes... Was I? - Yes. She dreamed of being a prima ballerina. 76 00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:20,570 Oh, yes, but then I became a hod carrier. 77 00:06:20,740 --> 00:06:25,530 I am definitely a lady, and I have been coming to the ballet now for many a year. 78 00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:29,770 I've seen all the finest companies. The Rambert, the Bolshoi. 79 00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:31,890 Legs and Co. 80 00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:36,330 That's two tickets in the stalls at £50 each. How would you like to pay? 81 00:06:37,580 --> 00:06:39,570 Switch. 82 00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:44,130 - Mr Edward Howard. - Oh, my husband's card. Silly me. 83 00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:47,490 (GIRLY LAUGHTER) 84 00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:56,930 - Do you have any cash, Florence, my dear? - I should have some in here somewhere. 85 00:06:57,100 --> 00:07:00,650 Now... Oh, yes. 20, 40, 60, 80, a ton. 86 00:07:02,580 --> 00:07:06,170 - Merci beaucoup. - Excuse me. Where's the bogs? 87 00:07:07,940 --> 00:07:12,690 Où est la chambre...de pee-pee? 88 00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:16,250 Through there, but the performance is about to start. 89 00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:18,810 - Merci. - Ta very much. 90 00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:27,490 Two ladies having a pee. 91 00:07:27,660 --> 00:07:29,850 (HUMMING) 92 00:07:33,380 --> 00:07:34,970 Oops-a-daisy. 93 00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:43,820 Christmas was first celebrated in Britain in 1986 94 00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:47,570 to commemorate the birth of Lord Martin Christmas. 95 00:07:56,820 --> 00:07:59,810 (REVVING ENGINES ON TV) 96 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:11,850 - You're going to be reading in church today. - Yeah, I know. 97 00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:14,480 What do you want to wear? I'll put the iron on. 98 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:18,170 - Baby Jesus. - What about the baby Jesus? 99 00:08:18,340 --> 00:08:21,530 I wanna go dressed as the baby Jesus. 100 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:27,370 Hmm. I'm not really sure that's a good idea. I know you like the baby Jesus. 101 00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:33,250 - I love the baby Jesus. - I'm not sure dressing as him will go down well. 102 00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:38,540 It's gonna be a right kerfuffle, making you up a baby Jesus outfit at such short notice. 103 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,850 Baby Jesus. 104 00:08:44,340 --> 00:08:50,940 And now Andrew Pipkin is going to read for us from the Gospel according to Saint Matthew. 105 00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:52,890 Andrew. 106 00:09:05,460 --> 00:09:12,330 ''And so it came to pass that Mary and Joseph made their way to the city of Bethlehem. 107 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:17,330 ''They sought high and low for refuge, but there was no room at the inn.'' 108 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,490 I look a pillock. 109 00:09:20,940 --> 00:09:22,450 So that you can have... 110 00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:27,610 In Kidney, Dr Lawrence has taken Dr Beagrie along to see one of his patients take part 111 00:09:27,780 --> 00:09:30,240 in ''The Importance Of Being Earnest''. 112 00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:34,530 But you must be serious. I hate people who are not serious about meals. 113 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:39,530 Such a funny play, isn't it? Anne's worked very hard on it. I think she'll be fantastic. 114 00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:43,770 Lady Bracknell. 115 00:09:43,940 --> 00:09:45,970 Oh, this'll be her now. 116 00:09:47,860 --> 00:09:51,640 - Good afternoon, Lady Bracknell. - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 117 00:09:52,820 --> 00:09:58,450 - May I offer you a cucumber sandwich? - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 118 00:09:58,620 --> 00:10:02,210 The handbag line. I'm dying to see how she does it. 119 00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:07,610 I was just telling Algernon how I was found in the cloakroom at Victoria Station, in a handbag. 120 00:10:07,780 --> 00:10:09,690 - Eh eh-eh? - Brilliant. 121 00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:17,770 Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag. A large, leather handbag with handles on it. 122 00:10:17,940 --> 00:10:20,770 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 123 00:10:20,940 --> 00:10:24,820 - In the cloakroom at Victoria Station. - Ah, the Brighton line. 124 00:10:24,980 --> 00:10:27,170 Yes, so I need hardly... 125 00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:29,530 I need hardly say... 126 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:34,250 I don't remember this bit. 127 00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:37,140 I'd love to see her do some Shakespeare. 128 00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:38,970 Eh! Eh... 129 00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:44,650 Every Christmas, Marjorie Dawes takes her FatFighters group out for a meal. 130 00:10:44,820 --> 00:10:49,410 The best meal I ever had was in Rome, off the beaten track in a backstreet. 131 00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:51,970 Chicken McNuggets and chips. 132 00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:57,930 I asked for a corner table because it's not fair on other diners to have to watch fat people eat. 133 00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:02,890 - I don't know what to have. - It's Christmas. You can order what you like. 134 00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:07,410 You've got to have a night off, ain't you? We're not FatFighters now, are we? 135 00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:12,570 I'm not sure they do curry here, Moira. Why don't you order English food? Spag bol. 136 00:11:14,460 --> 00:11:16,850 - Everyone ready? - I think so. 137 00:11:17,020 --> 00:11:21,570 By the way, we're all from FatFighters. Aren't we, gang? Hey-hey! 138 00:11:21,740 --> 00:11:25,450 In case you're wondering why I'm with them, I'm the leader. 139 00:11:25,620 --> 00:11:29,250 - Yes, what would you like? - I'll have garlic bread to start. 140 00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:35,530 - I don't think you should be having a starter. - Oh, OK, then. In that case, the chicken Kiev. 141 00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:39,130 - Do you want anything on the side? - No. 142 00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,530 I'll have the steak and chips, please. 143 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:45,370 No, just give him a salad, without the dressing. 144 00:11:45,540 --> 00:11:51,410 - Can I have lasagne... ? - What is best is if you point at what you want. 145 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:54,040 Yeah? All right, Pat, your turn. 146 00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:57,410 Seeing as you're ordering for us, just a salad. 147 00:11:57,580 --> 00:12:01,090 Cancel that. Do you have any dust? 148 00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:04,530 Little bit of dust? No? Dust? 149 00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:08,890 Dust? No? Dust? Little bit of dust? No? Dust? 150 00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:11,850 No? Dust? Little bit of dust? No? Dust? No? 151 00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:16,090 - No. - Well, in that case, give her a glass of water. 152 00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:20,040 - Anything for you? - Nothing for me. I wanna keep my figure. 153 00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:22,610 I never eat after six. 154 00:12:23,460 --> 00:12:28,250 - Everyone finished their Christmas shopping? - No, I haven't done any of it yet. 155 00:12:30,180 --> 00:12:33,490 Oh, I just dropped my fork. Excuse me. 156 00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:35,770 Yeah, go on. 157 00:12:35,940 --> 00:12:38,010 (SLOBBERING) 158 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,730 (CHOMPING) 159 00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:52,650 So...what's everyone doing for Christmas? 160 00:12:56,220 --> 00:13:02,010 In Llandewi Breffi, gay boy Dafydd Thomas is taking a stand against his local library. 161 00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:05,050 - Morning, Dafydd. - We're taking action, Mrs Jones. 162 00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:06,930 Oh, right. 163 00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:14,410 - Is there something the matter? - ''Naked Civil Servant.'' 164 00:13:14,580 --> 00:13:18,250 ''The Joe Orton Diaries.'' ''My Struggle'', Dale Winton. 165 00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:22,330 - Oh, right. - It's not easy being the only gay in the village. 166 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:26,210 - Books like this have been a lifeline to me. - Oh, Will Young. 167 00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:29,100 Put that down! It's a gay book, for gays. 168 00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:35,050 There we go. This library now has a Gay and Lesbian and Bisexual section. 169 00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:39,410 Another step forward for the Llandewi Breffi Gay Liberation Front - me. 170 00:13:39,580 --> 00:13:43,570 Actually, Dafydd, I don't know whether you've ever been past Travel, 171 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,410 but we do have quite a popular Gay section. 172 00:13:46,580 --> 00:13:48,770 - What? - Come with me. 173 00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:55,210 - What the hell is...? - Ssh! 174 00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:03,570 - Have you decided what you're having yet, sir? - No. 175 00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:08,490 - The oysters are very good today, sir. - All right, half a dozen oysters to start. 176 00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:14,730 - And for your main course? - The liver with baby onions and savoy cabbage. 177 00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:18,650 - Excellent choice, sir. - And a Lion bar and a Peperami. 178 00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:27,730 This is Number 10 Downing Street. 179 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:32,250 The Prime Minister and his wife are preparing to make an announcement. 180 00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:36,090 I don't want to spoil it, but basically they're having a baby. 181 00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:40,690 - (KNOCKING) - Come. 182 00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:42,930 Morning, Prime Minister. 183 00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,930 - Morning, Sebastian. You know my wife. - Hello. 184 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:49,050 Hi. Maybe I should just go. 185 00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:51,940 No, no, no, no. Please sit down. 186 00:14:57,340 --> 00:15:03,090 We've something to tell you. I'd like you to issue a statement confirming that Sarah is pregnant. 187 00:15:03,260 --> 00:15:05,690 What?! 188 00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:09,970 I'm three months gone, and the bump's beginning to show. 189 00:15:10,140 --> 00:15:14,730 Actually, you're the first person on the staff to know. Great news, isn't it? 190 00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:20,290 Whatever. So, is that it, or is there something important you need to discuss? 191 00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:25,050 Well, it'll be a big story and I'd like you to handle it. 192 00:15:25,220 --> 00:15:28,290 - (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, Chief Whip. Excuse me. 193 00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:32,130 So, it's definitely his, is it? 194 00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:36,650 Of course it is. We need to compose this statement. 195 00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:39,090 - Very clever. - Excuse me? 196 00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:42,450 - What you've done. Very clever. - I'm sorry? 197 00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:47,410 Got yourself up the duff. Did you say you were on the pill? Tricked him into it? 198 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:51,330 No. We've been married for twelve years, trying for children for two. 199 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:54,570 You've worked it, girl. I'll give you that. 200 00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:57,530 - What? - You've got him. You've won. 201 00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:04,040 But let me tell you this, girlfriend. While you're piling on the pounds, he'll be looking elsewhere. 202 00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:06,050 How dare you?! 203 00:16:09,780 --> 00:16:12,570 Oh. Is she all right? 204 00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:15,170 Yeah, women's problems. 205 00:16:15,340 --> 00:16:17,730 Er...shall we get on with this statement? 206 00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:21,410 Yep. Erm... ''We regret to announce...''? 207 00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:27,490 ''She's done it. The bitch has done it.'' 208 00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:31,530 Explain. 209 00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:34,850 Sorry, Prime Minister. 210 00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:39,010 You know, we could have adopted. 211 00:16:52,460 --> 00:16:59,130 People in Britain like to keep their money safe by putting it in a bank or by nailing it to the door. 212 00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:05,610 - It's 80,000, which is cheap for round here. - Oh, yeah. 213 00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:08,420 Estate agent reckons we can get it down to 75. 214 00:17:08,580 --> 00:17:10,690 Sounds great. 215 00:17:10,860 --> 00:17:15,530 The best mortgage for you is the MidWest First-Time Buyer Plus. 216 00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:18,420 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 217 00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:22,850 There's a fixed rate of 4.9% over five years, 218 00:17:23,020 --> 00:17:26,530 and an instant cashback of £10,000. 219 00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:29,340 - Right. - Sounds good. 220 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:32,690 - We'll go for that, please. - It's going to be brilliant. 221 00:17:32,860 --> 00:17:34,690 - I can't wait. - I know. 222 00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:38,770 Computer says no. 223 00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,650 (COUGHS) 224 00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:46,100 This upper-class family are meeting their wedding caterer. 225 00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:48,650 If you're not sure which class you are, 226 00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:53,770 pull back your foreskin, where you'll find the word ''lower'', ''middle'' or ''upper''. 227 00:17:53,940 --> 00:18:00,690 For the starter, I was thinking of wild asparagus tips with hollandaise sauce. 228 00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:06,490 I'm very open to suggestions. If there's anything you particularly like, it's your wedding, just say. 229 00:18:06,660 --> 00:18:09,090 - Bitty. - Sorry? What was that? 230 00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:12,570 - Not now, Harvey. - I don't like asparagus. 231 00:18:12,740 --> 00:18:15,690 Well, maybe smoked salmon for my mother? 232 00:18:15,860 --> 00:18:17,340 - Bitty. - No, Harvey. 233 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,850 - Bitty. - You've just had bitty. 234 00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:25,450 - Please. - Well, for the main, 235 00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:31,210 I was going to suggest breast of pigeon with wild mushroom risotto. 236 00:18:31,380 --> 00:18:33,890 - That sounds lovely. - Sounds a bit rich. 237 00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:37,210 - I don't like risotto. - What would you prefer? 238 00:18:37,380 --> 00:18:39,610 - Bitty. - Come on, Harvey. 239 00:18:39,780 --> 00:18:42,500 We will, of course, offer a vegetarian option. 240 00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:46,440 Oh, bloody vegetarians. String up the lot of them, I say. 241 00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:49,130 Bitty, bitty. 242 00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:56,210 We went to a wedding in the spring, and we had these wonderful roasted artichoke hearts. 243 00:18:56,380 --> 00:19:01,130 And a lot of people went for them over the beef Wellington. 244 00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:04,650 Yes, that does...quite often happen. 245 00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:08,290 - Ow! You're biting. - Nothing left. 246 00:19:08,460 --> 00:19:11,020 I'm not surprised. You're greedy this morning. 247 00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:14,570 - Bitty. - Don't worry, dear. I should have some. 248 00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,480 Nana bitty. 249 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,420 Any ideas on pudding? 250 00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:31,490 At a supermarket in Slaughter, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has just finished his shopping. 251 00:19:31,660 --> 00:19:34,220 Supermarkets were introduced into Britain 252 00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:38,770 to destroy small businesses and create a sense of social alienation. 253 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,690 (CRASH) 254 00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:54,250 Excuse me! Are you going to leave your insurance details? 255 00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:57,210 - Didn't hit the car. - I saw you do it. 256 00:19:58,260 --> 00:20:02,650 Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes. 257 00:20:02,820 --> 00:20:06,600 You're under. I did not hit that car. You're back in the room. 258 00:20:06,780 --> 00:20:11,930 - You didn't see who hit that car, did you? - I did. It was him. I saw you do it. 259 00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:16,210 Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. You're under. 260 00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:19,890 You did not see me hit that car. Nor did you. Three, two, one... 261 00:20:20,060 --> 00:20:22,450 What's happened to my car? 262 00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:26,290 - Look into my eyes. My eyes. - Me? 263 00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:29,610 - No, not you. Him. - Oh, right. 264 00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:36,050 Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under. 265 00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:38,170 I never done it. 266 00:20:39,620 --> 00:20:42,930 Moanwheel, in Throttle, a lunch order is being taken. 267 00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:48,250 - Can I take your order, sir? - Yes, I'll have wild truffle and Roquefort salad. 268 00:20:48,420 --> 00:20:52,010 - Very good, sir. - Then scallops with artichoke hearts. 269 00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:54,770 - Will that be all? - Yes. 270 00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:58,050 And a bag of Monster Munch. 271 00:20:58,220 --> 00:21:00,970 - And to drink? - Um Bongo. 272 00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:08,210 It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Man is looking for a book. 273 00:21:08,380 --> 00:21:12,370 I read a book once. It was called ''Who On Earth Is Tom Baker?'' 274 00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:18,370 Hello. I did not know you liked books. 275 00:21:18,540 --> 00:21:21,610 Hello. Yes, I like books very much. 276 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,970 - Looking for anything in particular? - Not really. 277 00:21:25,140 --> 00:21:31,610 Have you any books on mediaeval English music between the dates 1356 and 1390? 278 00:21:31,780 --> 00:21:34,970 Erm... I can't see anything here. 279 00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:38,330 Margaret knows all the books. One moment. 280 00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:40,770 Margaret! Margaret! 281 00:21:45,860 --> 00:21:47,260 Yes? 282 00:21:47,420 --> 00:21:54,210 A gentleman wants to know if we've any books on mediaeval English music from 1356 to 1390. 283 00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:58,570 - Paperback or hardback? - Paperback or hardback? 284 00:21:58,740 --> 00:22:01,330 Oh, you know me. I'm easy. 285 00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:04,090 He says he is easy. 286 00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:08,490 There should be one, over by the Mike Gatting autobiography. 287 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:10,770 Oh, yes, here we are. 288 00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:15,410 ''A History Of Mediaeval Music, 1356 To 1390.'' 289 00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:20,490 Sorry, I didn't grip in time. 290 00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:29,490 Sorry, I gripped too soon that time. You may have to hold it. 291 00:22:29,660 --> 00:22:31,140 Right. 292 00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:34,330 Well, what do you reckon? 293 00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:37,490 How many pages does it have? 294 00:22:39,220 --> 00:22:40,810 312. 295 00:22:40,980 --> 00:22:45,490 Oh. I was hoping for something more along the 306 mark. 296 00:22:46,460 --> 00:22:47,940 Right. 297 00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:52,890 Do you think the author might be interested in rewriting his work to cut it down? 298 00:22:53,060 --> 00:22:56,570 If you cut out all the ''O''s, you might lose six pages there. 299 00:22:58,180 --> 00:23:00,970 I... I don't think so, no. 300 00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:06,850 - Maybe I'm being too specific. - You are being a little specific, yes. 301 00:23:07,020 --> 00:23:08,530 OK. 302 00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:11,090 Have you got any books? 303 00:23:16,780 --> 00:23:20,010 - Ha... Have I got any books? - Yes. 304 00:23:20,180 --> 00:23:22,610 Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them. 305 00:23:22,780 --> 00:23:24,970 I'll take them, please. 306 00:23:26,180 --> 00:23:27,970 Oh, right. 307 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:29,620 Oh. 308 00:23:31,740 --> 00:23:34,460 You, er... You must really like reading. 309 00:23:34,620 --> 00:23:38,010 Oh, no. Unfortunately, I'm blind. 310 00:23:55,660 --> 00:24:00,650 It's five to Pamela, and at this health spa in Trump, the guests are working hard. 311 00:24:00,820 --> 00:24:03,210 And turn the page. 312 00:24:04,380 --> 00:24:06,890 And rest. 313 00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:12,810 Consequently, here at Hill Grange there is a need for some restructuring. 314 00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:15,570 - You know Jacqueline is leaving us? - Yes. 315 00:24:15,740 --> 00:24:17,730 - So from Monday... - (KNOCKING) 316 00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:19,690 Come in. 317 00:24:19,860 --> 00:24:23,410 - Hello, darling. - Oh. Hello, Mrs DeVere. 318 00:24:23,580 --> 00:24:26,300 Call me Bubbles. Everybody does. 319 00:24:26,460 --> 00:24:33,250 - Mrs DeVere, I'm in the middle of something. - Darling, be a darling and leave us alone. 320 00:24:33,420 --> 00:24:37,650 Thank you, darling. Not a word of this to anyone. 321 00:24:40,940 --> 00:24:43,930 - We're alone. - Have you got the cheque? 322 00:24:44,100 --> 00:24:50,290 It's all here, darling. All the treatments, all the food. Bed and board for five months. 323 00:24:50,460 --> 00:24:53,370 - Great. - £17,300, darling. 324 00:24:53,540 --> 00:24:58,010 - Thank you. - But we don't need the cheque, do we, darling? 325 00:24:58,180 --> 00:25:00,970 - Yes, we do. - No, we don't. 326 00:25:06,540 --> 00:25:08,130 Because... 327 00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:11,290 (HUMMING: ''THE STRIPPER'') 328 00:25:15,260 --> 00:25:17,650 - (SMASH) - Sorry. 329 00:25:35,380 --> 00:25:38,970 Be quick, Mr Hutton. I have a colonic at three. 330 00:25:42,980 --> 00:25:46,690 Lou Todd has bought two ice creams, both for his friend Andy. 331 00:25:50,740 --> 00:25:52,450 Andy! 332 00:25:52,620 --> 00:25:55,080 Andy! Where are you? 333 00:25:55,260 --> 00:25:57,570 I'm up here. 334 00:25:57,740 --> 00:26:01,700 - How did you get up there? - I fell. 335 00:26:06,620 --> 00:26:08,610 Careful, careful. 336 00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:15,970 Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. 337 00:26:16,140 --> 00:26:18,530 Oh, I was worried sick. 338 00:26:18,700 --> 00:26:21,010 What a kerfuffle. 339 00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:25,170 - How did he get up there? - Well, I've absolutely no idea. 340 00:26:25,340 --> 00:26:29,220 As you can see, he's not the most able-bodied person there is. 341 00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:32,410 He's confined to a wheelchair, and I push that. 342 00:26:32,580 --> 00:26:37,570 I'm not even sure he's got the strength in his arms to get up a tree. It's a mystery. 343 00:26:37,740 --> 00:26:41,130 Something for Arthur C Clarke's ''Mysterious World'', 344 00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:44,890 or for Toyah Willcox to sing about in ''It's A Mystery''. 345 00:26:45,060 --> 00:26:50,730 I think the best thing to do now is get him home. Early bath, early to bed. 346 00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:56,690 And a good idea is a nice, hot, warm, milky drink, like a cup of cocoa or something. 347 00:26:56,860 --> 00:27:00,820 - OK, we'd better get you home, young man. - Yeah, I know. 348 00:27:01,780 --> 00:27:05,370 Thank you. Oh, did they bring the ball down as well? 349 00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,000 - Yeah. - That was kind of them. 350 00:27:10,700 --> 00:27:15,610 And so our visit to Little Britain has come to an end. 351 00:27:15,780 --> 00:27:21,410 I must go now, because a man has come into the room and he's trying to pull my clothes off. 352 00:27:21,580 --> 00:27:24,040 I must just find out what he wants. 353 00:27:24,220 --> 00:27:26,170 Good tie! 354 00:27:28,740 --> 00:27:31,130 (ANDY) Where's my funny foot? 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net