1 00:00:01,550 --> 00:00:05,900 Britain, Britain, Britain! Why would you ever want to leave? 2 00:00:06,070 --> 00:00:10,660 Anybody who goes on holiday abroad is a traitor! I bloody love it here! 3 00:00:10,830 --> 00:00:15,340 Bloody love it! We produce the best films, the finest cuisine 4 00:00:15,510 --> 00:00:17,900 and our dogs are relatively rabies-free. 5 00:00:18,070 --> 00:00:21,460 And this is all thanks to the peoples of Britain. 6 00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:26,020 Let us look at them in this programme in which we now look at them now. 7 00:00:26,190 --> 00:00:29,340 Boom, boom, shake the room! 8 00:00:31,110 --> 00:00:35,860 Ten-pin bowling is a very difficult sport, but it is easier than eleven-pin bowling. 9 00:00:38,030 --> 00:00:40,860 One, two, three... 10 00:00:42,030 --> 00:00:45,580 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, 11 00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:48,820 yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes... Oh! 12 00:00:48,990 --> 00:00:51,180 Oh-ho-ho! Unlucky. 13 00:00:51,350 --> 00:00:55,940 Right. You've got one more go. Maybe that ball was a bit heavy. 14 00:00:56,110 --> 00:00:59,500 - Do you want a different one? - Yeah, I want that one. 15 00:00:59,670 --> 00:01:02,860 - OK. There you go. - (PHONE RINGS) 16 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,020 Excuse me. 17 00:01:05,830 --> 00:01:08,710 Hello? Lou Todd. 18 00:01:08,870 --> 00:01:11,260 Oh, hello there, Chris. How are you? 19 00:01:11,430 --> 00:01:13,820 Yes, I've taken him bowling. 20 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:17,580 Ooh, a bit of a kerfuffle, but he seems to be enjoying it. 21 00:01:18,430 --> 00:01:21,230 No, I'm winning. It's 75-3. 22 00:01:21,390 --> 00:01:23,740 I'll get him to call you back later. Ta-ra. 23 00:01:23,910 --> 00:01:25,500 Oh! 24 00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:28,060 - You've got a strike! - Yeah, I know. 25 00:01:28,230 --> 00:01:30,620 I didn't even have to help you. Well done. 26 00:01:32,870 --> 00:01:37,180 Backstage at the Blazin' Squad concert, fans are clamouring to meet the band. 27 00:01:37,350 --> 00:01:41,940 I, myself, loathe groups like Blazin' Squad. I much prefer So Solid. 28 00:01:42,110 --> 00:01:46,860 Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way. 29 00:01:47,030 --> 00:01:51,660 Get out the way. Get out the way! Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way! 30 00:01:53,270 --> 00:01:56,660 - We're with Blazin' Squad. - Can we see your passes, please? 31 00:01:56,830 --> 00:02:01,260 No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, we did have passes 32 00:02:01,430 --> 00:02:06,340 but Kelly Appleby burnt them because Ruth Hubbard told her I nicked her hair scrunchies 33 00:02:06,510 --> 00:02:09,070 but I never. Anyway, her fanny goes sideways. 34 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:11,820 Yeah, I've seen it. It's like this. 35 00:02:13,590 --> 00:02:15,780 No one comes in without a pass. 36 00:02:15,950 --> 00:02:18,540 - Mingers to the back of the queue. - Shut up! 37 00:02:18,710 --> 00:02:21,780 - Yeah but, no but I'm on the list. - Name? 38 00:02:21,950 --> 00:02:23,350 Er... 39 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:27,630 - Sony Records. - I don't think so! 40 00:02:27,790 --> 00:02:30,180 I so can't believe you just said that! 41 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:34,820 I so am on the list. This guy from Sony Records saw me dancing in the audience on ''CD:UK'' 42 00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:39,700 and I met Cat Deeley and she's got a really hairy face. Anyway, he wanted to sign me up 43 00:02:39,870 --> 00:02:42,460 and turn me into the next Beyoncé, but I forgot 44 00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:46,980 'cause we were watching Carrie get bummed by that bloke from Cash Converters. 45 00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:49,980 - You ain't on the list. - Shut up! I am so am. 46 00:02:50,150 --> 00:02:52,980 - I ain't letting you in. - No but, yeah but, no. 47 00:02:53,150 --> 00:02:57,540 Blazin' Squad will well give you beatings because I've met them already anyway 48 00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:02,100 at the Radio One Roadshow. Remember? I got fingered by Chris Moyles. 49 00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:06,860 And Jo Whiley took a dump in the sea. Anyway, Blazin' Squad said to come backstage. 50 00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:10,820 I do know them and if Roman Gordon says I don't, don't listen to him. 51 00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:14,740 He once shoved his knob through Miss Maynard's letterbox. 52 00:03:14,910 --> 00:03:17,380 - Such a liar! - Shuddup! 53 00:03:17,550 --> 00:03:19,940 Look, I won't tell you again. 54 00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:23,100 You're not comin' in. 55 00:03:26,030 --> 00:03:28,220 All right, lads. 56 00:03:29,030 --> 00:03:30,860 One at a time. 57 00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:37,390 The game of tennis was invented in 1982 by Dr Jonathan Tennis 58 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:42,540 when he had the idea of fusing the popular sports of badminton and swingball. 59 00:03:44,230 --> 00:03:46,220 - Mixed doubles today? - Yeah. 60 00:03:46,390 --> 00:03:49,460 Last week's were gorgeous. Have to get their names. 61 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:52,220 They're on the board. Emily and Florence. 62 00:03:52,390 --> 00:03:54,620 Anyone for tennis? 63 00:03:54,790 --> 00:03:57,540 Good afternoon. We're here for the mixed doubles. 64 00:03:57,710 --> 00:04:00,300 - We're expecting two ladies. - Sorry. 65 00:04:00,470 --> 00:04:04,620 - No, no, that's us. Two ladies. - Right. 66 00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:08,580 Florence, do as I do. I'm sure they don't suspect a thing. 67 00:04:10,190 --> 00:04:13,180 - Ready, gentlemen? - Have you got any balls? 68 00:04:13,350 --> 00:04:15,940 No, no, we're ladies. 69 00:04:16,110 --> 00:04:19,500 - Tennis balls. - Oh! Sorry. Silly me. 70 00:04:19,670 --> 00:04:22,060 I thought you meant bollocks. 71 00:04:22,230 --> 00:04:24,180 You're with me. 72 00:04:27,630 --> 00:04:29,620 All right? 73 00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:32,700 Ready! 74 00:04:34,910 --> 00:04:37,220 Oh! Ohh...! 75 00:04:37,390 --> 00:04:40,780 Being a lady, I'm quite exhausted. Aren't you, Florence? 76 00:04:40,950 --> 00:04:45,020 Oh, yes! Absolutely knackered! Time for barley water, I think. 77 00:04:45,190 --> 00:04:48,180 Yes, please, Florence, my dear. 78 00:04:51,910 --> 00:04:54,500 Are you enjoying the game, Florence, dear? 79 00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:58,980 Oh, yes, Emily! It's positively nail-biting, isn't it? Chin chin! 80 00:04:59,150 --> 00:05:03,580 - Are you guys going to be long? - We'll be right with you after some scones. 81 00:05:08,950 --> 00:05:11,340 - I've had better games. - Yeah. 82 00:05:11,510 --> 00:05:15,100 And those two are the strangest-looking women I've ever seen! 83 00:05:15,270 --> 00:05:17,260 Do you mind?! 84 00:05:23,230 --> 00:05:28,430 It is almost Terry o'clock and at this psychiatrist's office, the session is coming to an end. 85 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,820 I felt alone. 86 00:05:32,830 --> 00:05:37,180 And that's when we started having a sexual relationship. 87 00:05:38,230 --> 00:05:41,620 - And this is with Colin, your brother-in-law? - Yes. 88 00:05:41,790 --> 00:05:43,980 And what did you feel? 89 00:05:44,150 --> 00:05:45,940 Um...guilt. 90 00:05:46,110 --> 00:05:48,500 - Shame? - Yes. 91 00:05:49,630 --> 00:05:51,660 (WATCH BEEPS) 92 00:05:51,830 --> 00:05:56,030 OK, we're going to have to leave it there, but we'll talk more next week. 93 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:58,180 Thank you. 94 00:06:11,630 --> 00:06:16,340 Hello? It's me! You'll never guess what - she's only having it off with his brother! 95 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:17,860 Dirty cow! 96 00:06:18,830 --> 00:06:22,820 If a policeman stops a fat person and discovers they are carrying chocolate, 97 00:06:22,990 --> 00:06:27,780 he is permitted to shoot them, hence diet classes like this one are very popular. 98 00:06:27,950 --> 00:06:31,740 Right, well, this week Pat has lost four pounds. 99 00:06:31,910 --> 00:06:34,900 - (APPLAUSE) - Pigs CAN fly. 100 00:06:35,070 --> 00:06:38,660 - I told you I'd lose a stone by Christmas. - Next Christmas (!) 101 00:06:38,830 --> 00:06:42,820 - You won't have to come here. - Won't have to put up with Marjorie! 102 00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:47,580 We'll see. OK, before we go any further, I've got to tell you. 103 00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:53,780 FatFighters has brought out a brand-new range of delicious new low-calories puddings. 104 00:06:53,950 --> 00:06:58,540 They are new and they are called Fatty Treats. You've seen the adverts, yeah? 105 00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:02,590 # Fatty Treats Treats for the fatties...boink! # 106 00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:08,340 Well, anyway, what I've got is I've got normal éclairs and I've got new, they are new, 107 00:07:08,510 --> 00:07:12,300 brand-new, low-calories FatFighters Fatty Treats éclairs. 108 00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:17,260 I want to see if we can tell the difference. Can we have, please, a volunteer? 109 00:07:17,430 --> 00:07:20,820 Sorry, Meera, I was just thinking of the English people. 110 00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:23,900 Em...Pat, come and join me. 111 00:07:24,070 --> 00:07:27,340 - It's all right, Marjorie. - No, you're the star slimmer. 112 00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:30,540 Wobble, wobble. 113 00:07:30,710 --> 00:07:36,900 Right. What I'm going to do is I'm going to put this blindfold on you. All right? No peeping. 114 00:07:37,070 --> 00:07:41,860 - It's quite tight, Marjorie. - It has to be. You fat people are devious. Liars. 115 00:07:42,030 --> 00:07:43,940 I do mean that nicely. 116 00:07:44,110 --> 00:07:46,300 OK, now I've got two éclairs here. 117 00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:51,260 I want you to see if you can guess which is the low-calorie one. Ready? 118 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:55,020 - I'm not really eating puddings at the moment. - Here we go. 119 00:07:55,190 --> 00:07:56,780 Mmm. 120 00:07:57,630 --> 00:08:00,460 That IS nice, though. Very creamy. 121 00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:03,220 OK. Now try this one. 122 00:08:07,230 --> 00:08:08,710 - Mmm. - Yes? 123 00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:14,220 - Now, can you taste the difference? - No. 124 00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:20,460 No, you can't. Well, let me tell you that the second éclair you had was a low-calorie one. 125 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:23,780 Eh? So why don't you have another? 126 00:08:23,950 --> 00:08:25,940 Hm? Go on. 127 00:08:26,110 --> 00:08:29,940 There you go. Why don't you have a second one? Go on. 128 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:34,540 Get them in your fat gob. Why not? They're low-calorie. She won't put on an ounce. 129 00:08:34,710 --> 00:08:39,910 Oh, no! I've just made a dreadful mistake. Those are the full-fat ones. 130 00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:44,660 400 calories per éclair! Oh, my God! She'll explode. Spit it out. All of it. 131 00:08:44,830 --> 00:08:48,540 Quickly! All of it! Quickly! All of it! Quickly! 132 00:08:48,710 --> 00:08:52,260 All of it! Quickly! All of it! Shame on you, Pat. Shame on you. 133 00:08:52,430 --> 00:08:54,460 You've let everyone down. 134 00:08:54,630 --> 00:08:58,180 Right, well, better put a couple of them pounds back on. 135 00:08:58,350 --> 00:09:01,740 And we'll see you next week. Oh, hang on a minute, Pat. 136 00:09:01,910 --> 00:09:05,140 You've got a bit of cream in your hair. Wait there. 137 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,140 There you go. Off you pop. 138 00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:15,820 OK. Lovely. 139 00:09:15,990 --> 00:09:18,580 Now, I want to talk to you about dust. 140 00:09:19,550 --> 00:09:21,540 (DOGS BARK) 141 00:09:21,710 --> 00:09:24,100 There are hundreds of dogs in Britain. 142 00:09:24,270 --> 00:09:28,060 The biggest, a Blue Setter, is as tall as the Houses of Parliament. 143 00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:32,430 The smallest, the boodle, is invisible to the naked eye. 144 00:09:34,030 --> 00:09:37,420 - Hello, men. - Hello, Mrs B. Just having a cuppa. 145 00:09:37,590 --> 00:09:40,180 Yes, I thought I'd bring you some biscuits. 146 00:09:40,350 --> 00:09:43,540 - Thanks very much, Mrs B. - There you go. 147 00:09:43,710 --> 00:09:45,900 Fetch. Fetch! 148 00:09:46,070 --> 00:09:49,620 Go on. There's a good boy. There's a good boy. 149 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:53,060 Fetch. Good boy! Good boy. 150 00:09:53,230 --> 00:09:55,220 Good boy, good boy. 151 00:09:55,390 --> 00:09:59,300 There's one, there's one. Where's the other one? Where is it? 152 00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:02,900 Good boy! Who's a good boy? 153 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:05,540 One for you. Beg. 154 00:10:06,470 --> 00:10:08,660 Beg. 155 00:10:08,830 --> 00:10:11,390 There's a good boy! 156 00:10:11,550 --> 00:10:13,940 There's a good boy. 157 00:10:16,910 --> 00:10:19,630 It is a quarter to Gran and Grandpa Moses. 158 00:10:19,790 --> 00:10:24,580 That woman Viv Tudor has been requested to attend an identity parade. 159 00:10:29,550 --> 00:10:31,820 - OK, now take your time. - Yeah. 160 00:10:31,990 --> 00:10:35,980 - Let me know if you recognise anyone at all. - Anyone at all, yeah. 161 00:10:36,150 --> 00:10:37,740 Yeah. 162 00:10:43,550 --> 00:10:45,140 No. 163 00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:51,540 No. No. 164 00:10:55,630 --> 00:10:59,910 Oh, he's gorgeous! What a hunk! Look at that scar! 165 00:11:00,070 --> 00:11:04,060 - He's a wrong 'un and no mistake! Phwoar! - Do you recognise him? 166 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,790 No, no. 167 00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:12,300 No. 168 00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:19,540 Oh, he's gorgeous! What a dreamboat! Puts me in mind of a young Omar Sharif! 169 00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:24,100 - He can rob my bank any day! Phwoar! - Was he involved in the robbery? 170 00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:26,660 No, no. Shame, but no. 171 00:11:31,830 --> 00:11:37,380 Oh, he's gorgeous! He can point his weapon at me any time he likes! 172 00:11:37,550 --> 00:11:40,020 - Phwoar! - But was he there? 173 00:11:40,190 --> 00:11:43,100 - He was the one with the gun. - Great. Thanks. 174 00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:48,470 You're not gonna arrest him, are you? You can't. Anyway, you'll never get a conviction. 175 00:11:48,630 --> 00:11:51,430 - Why not? - 'Cause he's gorgeous! 176 00:11:51,590 --> 00:11:53,980 Oh, proper gorge! 177 00:11:56,470 --> 00:12:00,180 The Prime Minister is preparing for an important television interview. 178 00:12:00,350 --> 00:12:05,740 I never watch TV, apart from ''Emmerdale'', ''Corrie'' and ''EastEnders''. And ''Hollyoaks''. 179 00:12:05,910 --> 00:12:09,500 - (DIRECTOR) Can we go in 20? - Bzz! Bzz! 180 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:15,220 - So, um, what are you going to ask him? - I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise. 181 00:12:15,390 --> 00:12:17,300 - Let me look. - No! 182 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,940 Sebastian, I'm sure I can handle Gavin by myself. Thank you. 183 00:12:21,110 --> 00:12:26,740 OK, but promise you won't mention the man who runs the airline giving money to the party. 184 00:12:26,910 --> 00:12:28,900 (DIRECTOR) Three... 185 00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:34,820 Good evening. The airline scandal that has engulfed the government 186 00:12:34,990 --> 00:12:38,660 - now threatens to topple the Prime Minister. - Oh, you bitch! 187 00:12:40,630 --> 00:12:43,780 He's here with me live in the studio. Welcome. 188 00:12:43,950 --> 00:12:45,670 Good evening. 189 00:12:45,830 --> 00:12:52,180 On Wednesday you granted exclusive transatlantic routes to Embassy Airlines 190 00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:56,340 and then yesterday it emerges that the chairman, Sir Brian Dean, 191 00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:59,310 donated over £1 million to your party. 192 00:12:59,470 --> 00:13:03,860 - Come on, Michael! - The two events are completely unrelated. 193 00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:06,590 He gave that money as a private individual. 194 00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:10,540 Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael! 195 00:13:10,710 --> 00:13:13,100 There are a lot of unanswered questions. 196 00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:15,700 - Go ahead. - Yeah, go ahead, dear! 197 00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:17,660 - Ssh! - Ssh! 198 00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:23,780 Would Embassy Airlines have exclusive use of those routes if that donation had not been made? 199 00:13:23,950 --> 00:13:26,670 Oh, give it a rest! 200 00:13:26,830 --> 00:13:31,580 - I've already answered this in the House. - In fact, we can see that footage right now. 201 00:13:31,750 --> 00:13:34,180 - Oh, here we go! - VT for one minute. 202 00:13:34,350 --> 00:13:37,740 - Someone please get that man out. - Don't worry, I'm going. 203 00:13:37,910 --> 00:13:43,900 Gav, I only came 'cause I thought it was going to be Paxman! He's much better-looking than you! 204 00:13:44,070 --> 00:13:47,030 Paxman's not better-looking than me, is he? 205 00:13:48,630 --> 00:13:51,430 No, you're lovely. 206 00:13:54,350 --> 00:13:59,300 And that was about the same time I started seeing...prostitutes. 207 00:14:01,390 --> 00:14:04,740 Do you think the paying for sex has become an addiction? 208 00:14:06,830 --> 00:14:08,420 Yes. 209 00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:11,180 I do feel it's out of my control now. 210 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,740 It's become a compulsion? 211 00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:16,740 Definitely. 212 00:14:16,910 --> 00:14:22,700 OK, well, we've actually gone over a little, but we'll pick up on this next time. 213 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,590 OK. Thanks. 214 00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:43,420 You were right! Prossies! You have to laugh, don't you? 215 00:14:43,590 --> 00:14:45,660 I know! Dirty bastard! 216 00:14:56,390 --> 00:14:58,580 It's early morning. 217 00:15:03,430 --> 00:15:05,620 In the outskirts of Slaughter, 218 00:15:05,790 --> 00:15:09,990 stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has spent the night with his girlfriend. 219 00:15:10,150 --> 00:15:12,980 Left over right. Under. 220 00:15:13,990 --> 00:15:18,740 - Are you not staying for breakfast? - Er, I would, but Mother's bought croissants. 221 00:15:18,910 --> 00:15:21,470 - I should head back. - You did enjoy last night? 222 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:24,350 Yes, I did. The lovemaking was top-notch. 223 00:15:24,510 --> 00:15:26,660 Funny. I can't remember that part. 224 00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:32,270 I can't find any underwear. It keeps going missing. You haven't seen any? 225 00:15:33,830 --> 00:15:37,300 Look into my eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes. 226 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:41,460 You're under. I have not taken your underwear, put it on in my bedroom 227 00:15:41,630 --> 00:15:44,190 and paraded in front of the mirror going, ''Ooh! Ooh! 228 00:15:44,350 --> 00:15:47,070 ''Ooh! Ooh!'' 229 00:15:47,230 --> 00:15:49,620 3, 2, 1. You're back in the room. 230 00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:53,340 And I can't find that red dress, the silk one with the embroidery. 231 00:15:53,510 --> 00:15:56,820 The one I wore when we went to see ''We Will Rock You''. 232 00:15:56,990 --> 00:16:01,110 Look into my eyes, the eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes. 233 00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:06,300 You're under. I did not steal your red dress, take it home and wear it while hoovering. 3, 2, 1. 234 00:16:06,470 --> 00:16:10,780 - You're back in the room. - And I can't find those stilettos. 235 00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:15,070 Look, I bought you those. If I wanna wear them, I'll wear them. 236 00:16:22,830 --> 00:16:27,820 - Can I take your order, sir? - Yes, I'll have the beef carpaccio to start. 237 00:16:27,990 --> 00:16:30,980 Then the braised lamb shank. 238 00:16:31,150 --> 00:16:33,870 - Any vegetables? - Dijon. 239 00:16:34,030 --> 00:16:38,230 - Very good, sir. - And a Yorkie. Buttered. 240 00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:43,980 This is a drug rehab centre in Glasgae. 241 00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:49,940 I tried heroin once, but it didn't have any effect. Mind you, I was high on coke at the time. 242 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,500 OK, 20 words for heroin. Go! 243 00:16:52,670 --> 00:16:54,660 - Brown. - Good. 244 00:16:54,830 --> 00:16:56,820 - Smack. - Good. 245 00:16:56,990 --> 00:17:01,380 OK, that's 20. So why are you here? 'Cause you're junkies! You're addicts! 246 00:17:01,550 --> 00:17:05,860 You're scum! Get out! Go on, all of you. Out of my sight! Stay where you are. 247 00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:08,460 This is the road back. 248 00:17:08,630 --> 00:17:13,860 - Excuse me. - Exactly. Who am I to be telling youse? 249 00:17:14,030 --> 00:17:18,020 Well, I've been there, OK? I've done it. I've read the book, seen the film, 250 00:17:18,190 --> 00:17:21,580 bought the T-shirt and got sick all down it because I was on drugs. 251 00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:26,140 I know what it's like to wake up so late because of drugs that I missed ''Trisha'' 252 00:17:26,310 --> 00:17:28,900 and most of ''This Morning''. 253 00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:32,460 I'm sorry about this, but I think I'm in the wrong room. 254 00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:35,430 I'm looking for the cake decorating class. 255 00:17:35,590 --> 00:17:39,580 You know what this is, team? This is the very worst kind of junkie. 256 00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:42,630 ''I'm looking for the cake decorating class.'' 257 00:17:42,790 --> 00:17:46,780 Maybe you are. Hundreds and thousands, desiccated coconut, 258 00:17:46,950 --> 00:17:51,340 and a wee sprinkling of cocaine! No more lies! No more excuses! Addict! 259 00:17:51,510 --> 00:17:56,500 You're scum! You're Laurel and Hardy, the cartoon! You're ''Grease 2''! 260 00:17:56,670 --> 00:18:01,870 OK, go to your so-called cake decorating! Get out that door and don't come back! 261 00:18:02,030 --> 00:18:04,340 Stay where you are. 262 00:18:04,510 --> 00:18:06,900 We're here to help you. 263 00:18:08,030 --> 00:18:13,550 The most important word youse need to learn is ''no''. Spud, come and do a role-play with me. 264 00:18:15,150 --> 00:18:19,700 Spud. Spud, you with us? Yeah? 265 00:18:19,870 --> 00:18:26,020 OK, so I'm the junkie, you're the dealer. Ask me if I want to buy any of the drugs. 266 00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:28,580 - Do you want to buy any drugs? - No. 267 00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:32,950 It's as simple as that. I really appreciate you doing that for me. 268 00:18:33,110 --> 00:18:35,540 Yeah? Eh? Eh, big man? 269 00:18:35,710 --> 00:18:38,020 OK. 270 00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:42,900 I don't want to be rude, but I really am here just for the cake decoration. 271 00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:45,790 - It's just down the corridor. - Next room along. 272 00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:48,540 - Thank you. - Oh, of course, sorry. 273 00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:53,100 They do cake decoration here on Monday. Sorry, it used to be Wednesdays. 274 00:18:53,270 --> 00:18:58,140 Let me help you with your bag. Sorry. You don't want to be sat here with all these junkies. 275 00:18:58,310 --> 00:19:01,220 Do you think I'm stupid?! Get back in your seat! 276 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:04,300 You're a junkie! You're a loser! A leech! 277 00:19:04,470 --> 00:19:09,500 You're ''Carrot Confidential''! Kellogg's Banana Bubbles! Stephen Gately's solo career! 278 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:12,260 You're Carole Thatcher! Sit down! 279 00:19:12,430 --> 00:19:17,020 You're going to be fine. OK, 15 words for cocaine. Go! 280 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,780 - Coke. - OK, that's 15. 281 00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:26,340 At this park in Bent, Dr Lawrence has brought Dr Beagrie to observe one of his patients. 282 00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:30,060 Eh! Eh! Eeeh! 283 00:19:30,230 --> 00:19:34,860 - Anne is a very keen artist. - Eh! Eh! Eeeh! 284 00:19:35,030 --> 00:19:39,820 She's getting better all the time. She particularly likes to draw trees and flowers. 285 00:19:39,990 --> 00:19:41,980 Eh! Eh! Eeeh! 286 00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:45,220 Eh! Eh! Eeeh! 287 00:19:46,390 --> 00:19:49,380 Ahhh! Oh, she's left her sketchbook behind. 288 00:20:00,470 --> 00:20:02,460 Makes me very proud. 289 00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:09,470 In his office in Troot, theatrical agent Jeremy Rent is having a very important meeting 290 00:20:09,630 --> 00:20:12,020 with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. 291 00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:16,820 Tell me, Sir Andrew, was it your idea to write ''Bergerac - The Musical''? 292 00:20:16,990 --> 00:20:20,980 Yes. Mine and Ben Elton's. It was something he'd always wanted to do. 293 00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:24,740 It's going to be even bigger than the one I did about cats. 294 00:20:24,910 --> 00:20:26,740 - ''Cats.'' - (BUZZER) 295 00:20:26,910 --> 00:20:30,790 - Dennis Waterman here to see you. - Lovely. Send him in. 296 00:20:30,950 --> 00:20:35,260 It would be wonderful if we could get Dennis to play Jim Bergerac. 297 00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:40,020 Hello! I got you a doughnut. 298 00:20:40,190 --> 00:20:42,460 Oh, thank you very much. 299 00:20:49,870 --> 00:20:52,180 Who is that man? 300 00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,910 Well, this is Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. 301 00:20:55,070 --> 00:20:58,900 Oh, yes. The brother of Julian Lloyd Webber, the famous cellist. 302 00:20:59,070 --> 00:21:01,060 Hello! 303 00:21:04,710 --> 00:21:09,020 So, I've done ''Bergerac - The Musical'' and I'd love you to play the title role. 304 00:21:09,190 --> 00:21:11,830 Doesn't Bergerac play Bergerac? 305 00:21:11,990 --> 00:21:14,340 No, he's committed to ''Midsomer Murders''. 306 00:21:14,510 --> 00:21:18,820 He's committed murder?! That is wrong and bad! 307 00:21:18,990 --> 00:21:21,790 Anyway, I'd be thrilled if you would consider it. 308 00:21:21,950 --> 00:21:26,340 This is the set for Act One - Charlie Hungerford's house. 309 00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:29,580 Let's have a look. 310 00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,900 Put me down. 311 00:21:40,430 --> 00:21:43,230 It's an exact replica of the one in the programme. 312 00:21:43,390 --> 00:21:45,380 Yeah, it's great! 313 00:21:45,550 --> 00:21:47,820 You wouldn't want it any bigger! 314 00:21:47,990 --> 00:21:53,110 So you want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? 315 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:55,580 No, no, I've written all the songs. 316 00:21:57,550 --> 00:21:58,870 Dennis? 317 00:21:59,030 --> 00:22:04,020 # I'm a policeman living in Jersey Do-do-do do-do-do 318 00:22:04,190 --> 00:22:07,780 # I have a complicated relationship with my ex-wife 319 00:22:07,950 --> 00:22:09,270 # Do-do do-do 320 00:22:09,430 --> 00:22:11,740 # I drive an old red car 321 00:22:11,910 --> 00:22:17,500 # My boss has lost his hair I'd be so good for Bergerac - The Musical! # 322 00:22:18,430 --> 00:22:22,550 Well, it's been wonderful to meet the both of you. 323 00:22:22,710 --> 00:22:25,300 I do have one or two other people to see. 324 00:22:27,350 --> 00:22:30,740 Wo-o-o-oh! 325 00:22:30,910 --> 00:22:32,660 O-o-o-oh! 326 00:22:32,830 --> 00:22:34,700 Careful! 327 00:22:34,870 --> 00:22:38,500 - I'm very sorry. - It's all right, Dennis. 328 00:22:38,670 --> 00:22:40,900 Safe now. 329 00:22:44,110 --> 00:22:47,420 To remain competitive, banks now offer a wide range of services, 330 00:22:47,590 --> 00:22:52,180 including loans, insurance and, for a small fee, they'll make love to your wife. 331 00:22:58,070 --> 00:23:00,900 Yeah, that's Perry Keen. I'll call him back. 332 00:23:02,430 --> 00:23:05,230 Hey! Not interrupting anything, am I? 333 00:23:07,310 --> 00:23:10,460 I heard you went to Prague. Did you have a nice time? 334 00:23:12,670 --> 00:23:16,820 - Right. It's my leaving do on Thursday. - Oh, yeah? 335 00:23:16,990 --> 00:23:20,780 We're all going bowling, then having a bite at Bella Pasta. 336 00:23:20,950 --> 00:23:24,740 - Lovely. - So we wondered if you fancied coming. 337 00:23:27,230 --> 00:23:31,270 - Computer says will Melanie be there? - Yeah, she's coming. 338 00:23:34,430 --> 00:23:37,310 Computer says no. 339 00:23:38,990 --> 00:23:40,980 (COUGHS) 340 00:23:42,870 --> 00:23:44,860 Right. If you change your mind... 341 00:23:47,830 --> 00:23:50,140 I love you. 342 00:23:52,270 --> 00:23:55,620 Like many people in Britain, every other Wednesday I go gay. 343 00:23:55,790 --> 00:24:00,780 Dafydd Thomas is a full-time gay on his way to his local pub for a celebration. 344 00:24:00,950 --> 00:24:04,540 - Hello, Dafydd! Fancy a bun? - Homophobe! 345 00:24:09,430 --> 00:24:12,230 You've made me the happiest girl in the world. 346 00:24:12,390 --> 00:24:16,380 - I love you, Myfanwy. - And I love you too, Rhiannon. 347 00:24:16,550 --> 00:24:18,620 (CHEERING) 348 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:30,710 Oh, Dafydd, you made it! We didn't think you were coming. 349 00:24:30,870 --> 00:24:35,020 - Sorry I'm late. I couldn't come to the church. - Why not? 350 00:24:35,190 --> 00:24:37,580 I'm a gay! I wouldn't be welcome. 351 00:24:37,750 --> 00:24:40,940 I'm gay, and I was performing a gay marriage! 352 00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:45,150 You never know. Get a nice young man and the vicar would marry you. 353 00:24:45,310 --> 00:24:50,620 No, thank you. If I get married, it will be to a woman, to a life of misery and repression. 354 00:24:50,790 --> 00:24:54,780 - Please yourself, dear. - Anyway, come and meet my friends. 355 00:24:55,790 --> 00:25:01,420 - Everyone, this is Dafydd. - Hello, yes. The only gay in the village. 356 00:25:02,790 --> 00:25:06,780 Actually, Dafydd, we were hoping to have a little word with you. 357 00:25:06,950 --> 00:25:11,700 Yes. We're applying for adoption and wonder if you'll be our referee. 358 00:25:11,870 --> 00:25:13,190 Eeeew! 359 00:25:13,350 --> 00:25:16,230 But you're two minge munchers! 360 00:25:17,230 --> 00:25:20,820 - Yes. - You can't bring up kids! It's not right. 361 00:25:20,990 --> 00:25:25,580 - I'm sorry you feel that way. - I don't know. Gay marriage, adoption. 362 00:25:25,750 --> 00:25:31,620 What's wrong with sitting at home getting moist every time Sandi Toksvig comes on? 363 00:25:31,790 --> 00:25:34,540 We've moved on a bit since then, love. 364 00:25:34,710 --> 00:25:38,500 What do lesbians do exactly? I mean, I don't get it. 365 00:25:38,670 --> 00:25:44,380 - We do all sorts of things. - I was talking to the lesbians. I mean... 366 00:25:44,550 --> 00:25:48,380 - I AM a lesbian. - You can't be! You're far too good-looking! 367 00:25:48,550 --> 00:25:53,620 - What are you talking about? - It's just ones who can't get boyfriends. 368 00:25:53,790 --> 00:25:55,980 Piss off, you stupid little poof! 369 00:25:56,150 --> 00:26:01,940 Whoa! How dare you? I will not tolerate homophobia in this village! Good day! 370 00:26:03,070 --> 00:26:05,540 Dirty, fat lezzies! 371 00:26:08,830 --> 00:26:13,700 In Herby, Andy Pipkin is enjoying his annual bath. 372 00:26:13,870 --> 00:26:19,310 Right. I've planned the route to Chessington. It's really just straight down the A217. 373 00:26:19,470 --> 00:26:23,460 So if we get our skates on, we'll be on the log flume by lunchtime! 374 00:26:23,630 --> 00:26:25,620 I don't wanna go. 375 00:26:25,790 --> 00:26:28,980 But you've been going on non-stop about it for weeks! 376 00:26:29,150 --> 00:26:33,140 - Chessington this, Chessington that. - Yeah, I know. 377 00:26:33,310 --> 00:26:35,700 Where do you want to go instead? 378 00:26:35,870 --> 00:26:37,660 France. 379 00:26:37,830 --> 00:26:39,820 - France?! - Yeah. 380 00:26:39,990 --> 00:26:41,980 I thought you hated France. 381 00:26:42,150 --> 00:26:46,620 You said the French could never be forgiven for surrendering to the Germans 382 00:26:46,790 --> 00:26:50,780 - and collaborating with the Vichy government. - Yeah, I know. 383 00:26:50,950 --> 00:26:54,340 - Chessington it is, then. - I wanna go France. 384 00:26:54,510 --> 00:26:56,900 Christ of a thousand years. 385 00:27:03,430 --> 00:27:05,820 I wanna go Chessington. 386 00:27:11,830 --> 00:27:15,020 And so we end our trip round Little Britain. 387 00:27:16,030 --> 00:27:18,750 If you have enjoyed this evening's programme, 388 00:27:18,910 --> 00:27:24,500 you might like to travel back in time half an hour and watch it again. Good die! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net