1
00:00:00,236 --> 00:00:02,536
You have to admit,
he was a bit of an eejit.
2
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,985
Niamh, look. I'm not sure you
can call him an eejit.
3
00:00:04,985 --> 00:00:06,209
Why?
4
00:00:06,209 --> 00:00:08,009
Well, he was sort of the son
of God.
5
00:00:08,009 --> 00:00:11,288
This was a fella who could
turn water into wine.
6
00:00:11,289 --> 00:00:12,849
He could've made a fucking fortune.
7
00:00:12,849 --> 00:00:15,809
But, no. Instead he runs
around with his 12 mates,
8
00:00:15,809 --> 00:00:19,049
poking his nose into everybody's business
until eventually somebody thinks,
9
00:00:19,049 --> 00:00:21,529
"Sack it, I'm having this
head-melter fitted for a cross."
10
00:00:21,529 --> 00:00:24,169
Well, that's an alternative -
if slightly controversial -
11
00:00:24,169 --> 00:00:25,729
reading of Christianity, Niamh.
12
00:00:25,729 --> 00:00:29,448
Do you know what? I miss
Mass. Mass was class.
13
00:00:29,449 --> 00:00:30,489
Mass was balls.
14
00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,609
I moved to London solely to
avoid going to Mass.
15
00:00:32,609 --> 00:00:35,169
I just love the wee stories
they told. You know,
16
00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:39,128
The Good Samaritan, The Prodigal
Son, The Magic Wardrobe.
17
00:00:39,129 --> 00:00:42,088
- The Magic Wardrobe?
- Aye, y'know...
18
00:00:42,089 --> 00:00:46,356
God's living in this wardrobe,
only he's dressed up like a lion.
19
00:00:49,209 --> 00:00:50,689
That's right.
20
00:00:50,689 --> 00:00:52,649
I'm not sure I even believe
in God.
21
00:00:52,649 --> 00:00:55,688
Jesus, Bronagh! Pipe down!
22
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:59,169
I don't agree with her, by the way, mate.
I just want to make that clear.
23
00:00:59,169 --> 00:01:03,169
Maybe this is it. Maybe when we die
there's just... nothing.
24
00:01:03,489 --> 00:01:05,729
But if this really is it,
shouldn't we be doing more?
25
00:01:05,729 --> 00:01:08,649
I mean, shouldn't we be out there
experiencing everything?
26
00:01:08,649 --> 00:01:13,116
Shouldn't we be living every single
moment as though it's our last?
27
00:01:13,169 --> 00:01:14,768
Aye, probably.
28
00:01:14,769 --> 00:01:18,728
But, y'know...
29
00:01:18,729 --> 00:01:22,729
...fuck that!
30
00:01:23,193 --> 00:01:26,923
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
31
00:01:39,169 --> 00:01:41,728
Packy.
32
00:01:41,729 --> 00:01:44,368
Packy!
33
00:01:44,369 --> 00:01:46,648
Packy, wake up.
34
00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,409
I wouldn't bother, Bronagh. He's out
35
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:51,609
- for the count.
- Oh, you're here. Spectacular!
36
00:01:51,609 --> 00:01:55,609
All right, what's the craic?
For Christ's sake!
37
00:01:57,369 --> 00:01:59,968
Where the fuck are we?
38
00:01:59,969 --> 00:02:03,648
We appear to be in some sort
of giant futon, Bronagh.
39
00:02:03,649 --> 00:02:06,569
I tell you what,
these things get a bad press.
40
00:02:06,569 --> 00:02:08,369
This is surprisingly comfortable.
41
00:02:08,369 --> 00:02:10,608
Whose flat is this?
42
00:02:10,609 --> 00:02:13,288
Hmm, whose flat is this?
43
00:02:13,289 --> 00:02:14,569
Whose flat is this?
44
00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:16,568
Maybe Packy knows.
45
00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:19,808
Maybe Packy knows what?
46
00:02:19,809 --> 00:02:23,809
Where the fuck are we?
I say we just go back to sleep.
47
00:02:24,369 --> 00:02:27,249
Conor, could you for once just
please not be a dick?
48
00:02:27,249 --> 00:02:31,249
Surely, no bother at all.
49
00:02:46,409 --> 00:02:50,409
Balls.
50
00:02:51,529 --> 00:02:55,129
Right. I don't want to alarm anyone
but we seem to be in East London.
51
00:02:55,129 --> 00:02:57,849
- How did we end up in East London?
- We could've got a bus or a taxi...
52
00:02:57,849 --> 00:02:59,609
- Shut up, I'm trying to think.
- ...could've got a train or a tube.
53
00:02:59,609 --> 00:03:01,129
- Stop it!
- We could've got a horse!
54
00:03:01,129 --> 00:03:04,649
What?! How could we have got a horse?
Who gets a fucking horse, Conor?
55
00:03:04,649 --> 00:03:06,889
I see fellas on horses.
I see fellas on horses
56
00:03:06,889 --> 00:03:08,249
- all the time.
- They're policemen, mate.
57
00:03:08,249 --> 00:03:13,289
I'm supposed to be in work.
I'm on thin ice as it is cos of
that stupid root canal thing.
58
00:03:13,289 --> 00:03:15,129
Will you stop beating yourself
up about that, Bronagh?
59
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:17,649
They should've asked one of the
other nurses to give that injection.
60
00:03:17,649 --> 00:03:18,689
You were pished!
61
00:03:18,689 --> 00:03:20,649
Yeah, remind me
not to say that at the tribunal.
62
00:03:20,649 --> 00:03:24,089
Ach, Bronagh, everyone knows you're not
supposed to work the day after St Paddy's.
63
00:03:24,089 --> 00:03:26,968
Well, unless you're...
64
00:03:26,969 --> 00:03:28,809
Packy, can you turn English?
65
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:32,049
Do you want me to put my toe
up your hole? Is that what you want?
66
00:03:32,049 --> 00:03:33,969
Cos it seems to be what
you're angling for, Conor.
67
00:03:33,969 --> 00:03:39,836
Look, just calm down. Let's just figure out
where we are first. Let's retrace our steps.
68
00:03:40,009 --> 00:03:43,448
So, we went to the pub...
69
00:03:43,449 --> 00:03:45,369
We went to the pub and then...
70
00:03:45,369 --> 00:03:48,009
All right, hold on.
So, we went to the pub...
71
00:03:48,009 --> 00:03:48,849
Oh, I want to kill myself.
72
00:03:48,849 --> 00:03:50,648
Shh, listen!
73
00:03:50,649 --> 00:03:52,929
- Who's that?
- I don't know but I'm guessing,
74
00:03:52,929 --> 00:03:55,569
and, like this is just a stab
in the fucking dark, but I'm guessing
75
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:59,702
it's the person who lives here,
you living, breathing ballbag!
76
00:04:07,049 --> 00:04:11,049
All right, mate! How's it going?
77
00:04:18,929 --> 00:04:21,088
So...
78
00:04:21,089 --> 00:04:23,249
Any ideas who the wee woman is? Hmm?
79
00:04:23,249 --> 00:04:24,569
- Anyone at all?
- Ach, we probably just
80
00:04:24,569 --> 00:04:26,089
got hammered with her
in a bar last night.
81
00:04:26,089 --> 00:04:28,849
Christ, my legs are killing me.
What was I up to?
82
00:04:28,849 --> 00:04:29,969
Maybe you were riding.
83
00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:33,768
Who? Who was I riding?
84
00:04:33,769 --> 00:04:35,489
Oh, for God's sake,
I didn't buck the wee woman.
85
00:04:35,489 --> 00:04:38,409
Well, you don't know that.
Anything could've happened.
86
00:04:38,409 --> 00:04:41,849
She could've had a good aul fiddle
with you, while you were sleeping.
87
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,569
Yeah, well, he did crash in her
flat, Niamh, so... you know,
88
00:04:44,569 --> 00:04:48,569
fair's fair...
89
00:04:50,849 --> 00:04:54,848
Look at this.
90
00:04:54,849 --> 00:04:58,849
Half my Twix is gone.
91
00:04:59,449 --> 00:05:02,008
My best Twix.
92
00:05:02,009 --> 00:05:05,168
Half my Twix has just...
93
00:05:05,169 --> 00:05:06,669
...disappeared.
94
00:05:08,649 --> 00:05:10,248
Holy fuck!
95
00:05:10,249 --> 00:05:14,249
Yep, I'm as shocked as you are,
Packy.
96
00:05:18,089 --> 00:05:20,488
Great! She'd better not be dead.
97
00:05:20,489 --> 00:05:22,569
I'm serious, cos that's all I need.
98
00:05:22,569 --> 00:05:24,289
It's OK, she's still breathing.
99
00:05:24,289 --> 00:05:27,889
I mean, half of someone's Twix
doesn't just vanish. Someone took it.
100
00:05:27,889 --> 00:05:29,329
Someone stole it!
101
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,129
Someone ate that crunchy
chocolate finger, Packy.
102
00:05:32,129 --> 00:05:36,049
You're a walking advertisement for
abortion, Conor, you really are.
103
00:05:36,049 --> 00:05:37,769
We're going to have to get her
to a hospital.
104
00:05:37,769 --> 00:05:42,049
God, I hate the day after St
Patrick's Day. It's always the same.
105
00:05:42,049 --> 00:05:46,009
It's not always the same. How is it
always the same? I mean this,
106
00:05:46,009 --> 00:05:48,448
this is a fucking first.
107
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:51,248
Christ, she is deceptively heavy!
108
00:05:51,249 --> 00:05:54,249
Something bucko always happens.
It's cursed. This day is cursed.
109
00:05:54,249 --> 00:05:56,009
- I mean, remember last year?
- Not really.
110
00:05:56,009 --> 00:05:57,449
You ate a £20 note, mate.
111
00:05:57,449 --> 00:05:59,289
And we ended up running
that marathon.
112
00:05:59,289 --> 00:06:01,889
- Oh, that's right.
- Will you take that thing off?
113
00:06:01,889 --> 00:06:03,689
I can't, my hair is an absolute
state.
114
00:06:03,689 --> 00:06:05,609
We should've just phoned
an ambulance.
115
00:06:05,609 --> 00:06:09,289
And told them to come where, exactly?
We've no idea where we are.
116
00:06:09,289 --> 00:06:11,728
Seriously, you need to calm down.
117
00:06:11,729 --> 00:06:14,649
I think you've too much testosterone
floating around in your system, Bronagh.
118
00:06:14,649 --> 00:06:16,249
You should get that seen to.
119
00:06:16,249 --> 00:06:19,289
My cousin Jo had that problem.
She didn't do anything about it.
120
00:06:19,289 --> 00:06:21,609
And sure, didn't she end up
growing a beard.
121
00:06:21,609 --> 00:06:24,048
Hold on, your cousin Jo's
a woman?
122
00:06:24,049 --> 00:06:28,049
I mean, stealing half of
someone else's Twix... Jesus.
123
00:06:28,329 --> 00:06:30,929
- Who would do something like that?
- Well, don't look at me.
124
00:06:30,929 --> 00:06:33,809
I wouldn't thank you for a Twix.
I think they're rotten.
125
00:06:33,809 --> 00:06:36,608
Come off it, Niamh.
They're pure lovely.
126
00:06:36,609 --> 00:06:38,329
All right, lads, I can't carry her
any more.
127
00:06:38,329 --> 00:06:40,169
Bronagh, you may take her
for a bit.
128
00:06:40,169 --> 00:06:42,809
Aye, like that's happening!
129
00:06:52,249 --> 00:06:54,369
Why did you have to bring
that thing?
130
00:06:54,369 --> 00:06:56,569
Well, I could hardly have left
him there, could I?
131
00:06:56,569 --> 00:06:58,249
I think you probably could
have, mate, yeah.
132
00:06:58,249 --> 00:07:01,329
Packy, he might know who the thief
is. He's a witness!
133
00:07:01,329 --> 00:07:05,462
Conor, the cat doesn't know
anything. The cat isn't a witness.
134
00:07:05,569 --> 00:07:07,129
The cat is a fecking cat!
135
00:07:07,129 --> 00:07:08,629
We'll see.
136
00:07:10,289 --> 00:07:11,849
Yeah, she's still breathing,
isn't she?
137
00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:14,489
Why are you so obsessed with whether
she's breathing or not?
138
00:07:14,489 --> 00:07:16,569
Because if she stops breathing,
she dies, Niamh.
139
00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:19,529
- Well, that's up to her.
- Aye, Packy, give the woman peace.
140
00:07:19,529 --> 00:07:21,009
Is that the Donnelly sisters?
141
00:07:21,009 --> 00:07:23,728
Christ, lads, she's in a bad way.
142
00:07:23,729 --> 00:07:26,568
- Fuck off, Conor.
- All right, Aisling?
143
00:07:26,569 --> 00:07:28,049
What d'you lot do last night?
144
00:07:28,049 --> 00:07:29,449
Your da!
145
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,809
Lovely girls.
146
00:07:30,809 --> 00:07:34,809
Finally.
147
00:07:35,049 --> 00:07:38,888
So, we've established
that it wasn't Niamh.
148
00:07:38,889 --> 00:07:41,128
Which leaves us with...
149
00:07:41,129 --> 00:07:43,289
Fuck off about the fucking Twix.
150
00:07:44,329 --> 00:07:45,529
What is it?
151
00:07:45,529 --> 00:07:48,568
Aoife. Aoife McBride's ringing me.
152
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:51,329
Why is Aoife Mc-fucking-Bride
ringing me? Why?
153
00:07:51,329 --> 00:07:52,729
Ah, I bet that's who you bucked.
154
00:07:52,729 --> 00:07:55,488
Amazing. Now I have to leave
the country.
155
00:07:55,489 --> 00:07:56,369
Aoife's sound.
156
00:07:56,369 --> 00:07:58,209
I don't think Mickey One Ball
would agree with you, mate.
157
00:07:58,209 --> 00:08:01,089
Why is everyone so quick
to blame Aoife for that?
158
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:04,449
Because she sunk her teeth into
the poor fella's sack, Bronagh.
159
00:08:04,449 --> 00:08:07,849
Look, Mickey was dicking her about.
All she wanted was a bit of commitment.
160
00:08:07,849 --> 00:08:10,009
I don't think that biting him in
the balls was the way to get it.
161
00:08:10,009 --> 00:08:13,009
- Surely I wouldn't have rode Aoife.
- Even if you did,
162
00:08:13,009 --> 00:08:16,968
it's grand. It doesn't count.
You know what they say.
163
00:08:16,969 --> 00:08:20,408
What happens on St Paddy's,
stays on St Paddy's.
164
00:08:20,409 --> 00:08:24,009
I've never heard anyone say that
in my fucking life, mate.
165
00:08:24,009 --> 00:08:27,008
Aww! Well, I think you make
a nice couple.
166
00:08:27,009 --> 00:08:28,729
Oh, Christ, is there a picture
of me and Aoife on there?
167
00:08:28,729 --> 00:08:31,248
You, Aoife, me, Niamh,
Conor and...
168
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:33,368
Jesus, is that Michael Flatley?
169
00:08:33,369 --> 00:08:34,809
Who, the Michael Flatley?
170
00:08:34,809 --> 00:08:36,409
Of course, the Michael Flatley.
171
00:08:36,409 --> 00:08:39,809
Oh, no, you're right. Of course,
sorry for asking such a stupid question!
172
00:08:39,809 --> 00:08:41,768
Has he had work done?
173
00:08:41,769 --> 00:08:43,489
I...I'm actually having
heart palpitations.
174
00:08:43,489 --> 00:08:45,089
It's probably because
you mixed your drinks.
175
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:46,689
Or it could be because we're
in possession of a tiny pensioner,
176
00:08:46,689 --> 00:08:49,409
we did fuck-only-knows-what
with a champion Irish dancer,
177
00:08:49,409 --> 00:08:53,288
and I may well lose a very beloved
bollock, Niamh.
178
00:08:53,289 --> 00:08:57,289
Great night altogether!
179
00:09:06,209 --> 00:09:08,569
Right, I need you to ring me in sick.
180
00:09:08,569 --> 00:09:12,569
- No sweat.
- Just... say I'm really ill.
181
00:09:14,329 --> 00:09:16,568
Hello, it's Bronagh Lynch here.
182
00:09:16,569 --> 00:09:18,809
I'm afraid I won't make it in
today, I'm not feeling the best.
183
00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,089
Niamh, what are you doing?
184
00:09:20,089 --> 00:09:23,129
Aye, it's been coming out both ends
all morning, so it has.
185
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,129
Brilliant!
186
00:09:24,129 --> 00:09:27,168
OK, I will
do. Bye-bye. Love you.
187
00:09:27,169 --> 00:09:30,089
- What was that?
- You told me to ring you in sick.
188
00:09:30,089 --> 00:09:32,489
Aye, as you. I didn't want you
to do an impression of me.
189
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:36,569
If anybody should've been doing an
impression of me, it should've been me.
190
00:09:36,569 --> 00:09:40,569
Oh, aye, so it should've.
191
00:09:41,329 --> 00:09:43,289
I'd like to report a robbery,
please.
192
00:09:43,289 --> 00:09:45,409
This lady needs urgent
medical assistance.
193
00:09:45,409 --> 00:09:47,849
No, we're not exactly sure
what happened, but...
194
00:09:47,849 --> 00:09:51,129
But we think the fella from the
Riverdance might have been involved.
195
00:09:51,129 --> 00:09:54,129
Basically we were out celebrating
St Patrick's Day last night and...
196
00:09:54,129 --> 00:09:57,008
No, really? Same every
bloody year.
197
00:09:57,009 --> 00:09:57,889
I'm sorry?
198
00:09:57,889 --> 00:10:00,249
You lot, you never know
when to call it a night.
199
00:10:00,249 --> 00:10:04,582
Listen, that's a hugely offensive,
extremely damaging stereotype,
200
00:10:06,289 --> 00:10:08,609
- and I for one...
- Is there a bar in here?
201
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:12,609
Yes, well, I'm glad we've
cleared that up.
202
00:10:19,489 --> 00:10:22,369
Aoife again. I tell you what, if
she did climb up me last night
203
00:10:22,369 --> 00:10:25,209
I'm holding you responsible, Bronagh.
You should've kept her away from me.
204
00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:26,809
Sure, I can't watch you
when you're pished.
205
00:10:26,809 --> 00:10:28,249
Your dick leads you round corners.
206
00:10:28,249 --> 00:10:30,289
Yeah, well, it won't be leading me
anywhere if Aoife bites it off!
207
00:10:30,289 --> 00:10:32,809
- Where'd you pull them from?
- Found them on a wee locker.
208
00:10:32,809 --> 00:10:34,289
Like a bedside locker?
209
00:10:34,289 --> 00:10:35,849
- Aye.
- Like a hospital patient's
210
00:10:35,849 --> 00:10:38,888
- bedside locker?
- Ach, relax, Bronagh.
211
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,449
He couldn't have ate them anyway,
he had a tube down his throat.
212
00:10:41,449 --> 00:10:42,729
I was doing him a favour.
213
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,649
Aye, you're nothing but a martyr.
214
00:10:44,649 --> 00:10:47,408
Ach, I say we sack this
and do a runner.
215
00:10:47,409 --> 00:10:51,409
Yeah, let's go.
216
00:10:54,649 --> 00:10:56,328
Holy fuck,
217
00:10:56,329 --> 00:10:58,449
- did you see that?
- Yep, yes, I did.
218
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:01,728
Ride-o-rama.
I would ride him raw.
219
00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,169
What are you doing?
I thought we were going?
220
00:11:03,169 --> 00:11:05,049
Oh, no, no, no, you go on, I've got
to get the doctor bucked.
221
00:11:05,049 --> 00:11:07,328
Why do you get to buck
the doctor?
222
00:11:07,329 --> 00:11:09,329
Well, do you want to buck
the doctor?
223
00:11:09,329 --> 00:11:12,409
Yeah, I might, actually. I might want
to buck the doctor.
224
00:11:12,409 --> 00:11:15,209
You might? Right. Well, you have
a good aul think about it,
225
00:11:15,209 --> 00:11:17,849
decide what you're for doing one way
or the other. In the meantime,
226
00:11:17,849 --> 00:11:21,849
if you need me, I'll be bouncing up
and down on his bar.
227
00:11:23,409 --> 00:11:27,168
Well, her breathing's fine.
Heart rate's normal.
228
00:11:27,169 --> 00:11:28,569
So what happened?
229
00:11:28,569 --> 00:11:32,569
All I know for sure is some bastard
stole half my Twix!
230
00:11:33,289 --> 00:11:36,928
And it was the right half,
and that's the good half.
231
00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:38,728
Maybe it was Flatley.
232
00:11:38,729 --> 00:11:40,769
He's quick enough on his feet,
the fucker.
233
00:11:40,769 --> 00:11:42,849
He means what happened
to her, Conor.
234
00:11:42,849 --> 00:11:46,089
- Oh, she just hit the deck.
- She just collapsed, Doctor.
235
00:11:46,089 --> 00:11:48,209
- OK, so who's her relative?
- Bronagh's my sister.
236
00:11:48,209 --> 00:11:49,769
He means who's her relative, Conor.
237
00:11:49,769 --> 00:11:51,489
Oh, I don't have a baldies.
238
00:11:51,489 --> 00:11:53,049
I see. Well, I'll need to run
some blood tests.
239
00:11:53,049 --> 00:11:54,209
If you need any help, just say.
240
00:11:54,209 --> 00:11:57,089
I mean, if you need me
to hold anything for you, I can.
241
00:11:57,089 --> 00:11:59,448
I'm really good at holding stuff.
242
00:11:59,449 --> 00:12:00,769
I've a really firm grip.
243
00:12:00,769 --> 00:12:01,969
I think I'm all right.
244
00:12:01,969 --> 00:12:05,569
If anybody helps, it should be
me. I'm a nurse, you see.
245
00:12:05,569 --> 00:12:07,808
For teeth. She's a tooth nurse.
246
00:12:07,809 --> 00:12:10,368
It still counts.
247
00:12:10,369 --> 00:12:13,569
Right, are the girls on glue now, or
what's the craic?
248
00:12:13,569 --> 00:12:15,449
I'm really bendy, you know,
sex-wise.
249
00:12:15,449 --> 00:12:18,649
OK, I'm going to have to interject
here cos, to be honest,
250
00:12:18,649 --> 00:12:22,449
I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and
I'm not even the one being manhandled.
251
00:12:22,449 --> 00:12:23,649
Doctor, could you point me
252
00:12:23,649 --> 00:12:26,249
in the direction of your forensics
department, please?
253
00:12:26,249 --> 00:12:27,809
Is that a cat in your pocket?
254
00:12:27,809 --> 00:12:29,328
I beg your pardon?
255
00:12:29,329 --> 00:12:32,529
I'm sorry, it just looks like you
might have a cat in your pocket.
256
00:12:32,529 --> 00:12:35,768
Oh, right enough.
257
00:12:35,769 --> 00:12:37,049
I do, aye.
258
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,488
I have a cat in my pocket.
259
00:12:39,489 --> 00:12:41,009
You can't have animals in here.
260
00:12:41,009 --> 00:12:42,568
Can you not?
261
00:12:42,569 --> 00:12:46,088
No! No, you're going to have
to leave immediately.
262
00:12:46,089 --> 00:12:47,569
Grand.
263
00:12:47,569 --> 00:12:50,408
And if anyone else has a pet
on them,
264
00:12:50,409 --> 00:12:52,249
I'm afraid I'm going to have to
insist you leave as well.
265
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:55,409
Oh... Oh, God!
266
00:12:58,289 --> 00:12:59,729
What happened?
267
00:12:59,729 --> 00:13:03,729
Well, I'm no expert, I'm just a tooth
nurse after all, but I think...
268
00:13:03,729 --> 00:13:06,329
I think she just pretended
to collapse.
269
00:13:17,724 --> 00:13:19,744
Ach, Conor, what about you?
270
00:13:19,775 --> 00:13:22,555
Ah, Joe! Are you well?
271
00:13:22,629 --> 00:13:24,141
Not too bad, not too bad.
272
00:13:24,141 --> 00:13:27,541
You've just got your foot stuck
in the aul toaster there, have you?
273
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:28,821
Aye. Desperate.
274
00:13:28,821 --> 00:13:31,701
I'm never going out on St Paddy's
again, I mean it this time.
275
00:13:31,701 --> 00:13:35,221
Don't talk to me. Sure, didn't we
nearly kill this wee woman?
276
00:13:35,221 --> 00:13:37,501
Oh, nightmare!
Still, you're looking well, anyway.
277
00:13:37,501 --> 00:13:39,700
The cat fairly suits you.
278
00:13:39,701 --> 00:13:43,260
Oh, thank you, Joe.
That is so nice of you to say.
279
00:13:43,261 --> 00:13:46,500
Listen, I'd better head on here.
280
00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:49,501
Apparently you're not supposed to
bring cats into a hospital.
281
00:13:49,501 --> 00:13:52,141
Oh, no, that'll be a vet's.
It's a vet you're looking for.
282
00:13:52,141 --> 00:13:53,221
Fair enough.
283
00:13:53,221 --> 00:13:56,980
Listen, I'll... I'll see you later.
284
00:13:56,981 --> 00:13:58,581
Say hello to the mammy for me.
285
00:13:58,581 --> 00:14:01,660
Oh, I will do.
286
00:14:01,661 --> 00:14:06,061
OK, that seems fine. Are you sure
you don't want to take that off?
287
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:11,581
I just feel more comfortable
keeping it on. Thank you.
288
00:14:11,661 --> 00:14:13,700
Right.
289
00:14:13,701 --> 00:14:15,661
You seriously think
this is going to work?
290
00:14:15,661 --> 00:14:17,421
It's pathetic, Niamh.
Well, he had his hand
291
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,941
on my tit for a minute and a half,
so I'm doing better than you.
292
00:14:19,941 --> 00:14:23,541
Maybe I'll pretend to faint,
maybe I'll hospitalise myself.
293
00:14:23,541 --> 00:14:25,461
No! There'll be no more
hospitalising.
294
00:14:25,461 --> 00:14:28,461
I'm putting my foot down about
all this hospitalisation. I'm serious now.
295
00:14:28,461 --> 00:14:30,941
I hope he comes back with a camera
and sticks it up your hole.
296
00:14:30,941 --> 00:14:36,341
Oh, he can stick whatever he wants... Niamh,
I am begging you, do not finish that sentence.
297
00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:40,621
Oh, Aoife again. Ach, will you stop shitting
yourself about Aoife? Listen, Bronagh.
298
00:14:40,621 --> 00:14:44,021
I am fond of my balls. I'm attached
to them, and they're attached to me.
299
00:14:44,021 --> 00:14:45,860
I'm going for a smoke.
300
00:14:45,861 --> 00:14:47,900
Ah, come on now.
301
00:14:47,901 --> 00:14:49,341
Christ, how much is there?
302
00:14:49,341 --> 00:14:51,861
200. Who the feck
does this belong to?
303
00:14:51,861 --> 00:14:53,581
Oh, that'd be mine, Packy.
304
00:14:53,581 --> 00:14:56,661
Funny, ha! I was just wondering
what I did with that.
305
00:14:56,661 --> 00:14:57,701
Aye, dead on, Niamh!
306
00:14:57,701 --> 00:15:00,621
We better not have robbed
the wee woman last night.
Of course we didn't.
307
00:15:00,621 --> 00:15:04,421
I hope you're right because,
apart from anything else, it's not
what St Patrick would've wanted.
308
00:15:04,421 --> 00:15:08,421
People don't rob pensioners then stay the
night on their fucking futon. They just don't.
309
00:15:08,421 --> 00:15:10,181
So how do you explain this then?
310
00:15:10,181 --> 00:15:12,781
Aoife probably gave it to you
for "services rendered".
311
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,900
Oh, Jesus, I feel sick.
312
00:15:14,901 --> 00:15:17,740
Ach, Packy, come on,
she's joking you.
313
00:15:17,741 --> 00:15:19,608
As if you're worth 200 quid!
314
00:15:30,621 --> 00:15:32,121
All right, lads!
315
00:15:33,221 --> 00:15:35,381
What's happening?
316
00:15:37,741 --> 00:15:40,140
Fuck's sake!
317
00:15:40,141 --> 00:15:44,141
Did you lose your money?
No, why?
318
00:15:45,261 --> 00:15:46,581
So the lady you brought in...
319
00:15:46,581 --> 00:15:50,821
Thank you for looking after her,
you really didn't have to do that.
320
00:15:50,821 --> 00:15:52,661
Yes, actually I did, it's my job.
321
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:56,794
Yeah. It must be... so rewarding,
doing what you do, you know?
322
00:15:58,101 --> 00:16:03,501
Saving lives. Although,
don't get me wrong, I've saved
a tooth or two in my time.
323
00:16:07,301 --> 00:16:09,221
So, the woman you brought in
is a diabetic.
324
00:16:09,221 --> 00:16:11,701
Seems she's missed
a few insulin injections,
325
00:16:11,701 --> 00:16:14,181
so any kind of sugar consumption
in the last little while
326
00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:16,860
could've brought this on.
327
00:16:16,861 --> 00:16:19,381
The crafty, thieving wee bitch!
328
00:16:24,701 --> 00:16:26,941
I think... I'm going to raise you,
Gary.
329
00:16:26,941 --> 00:16:28,740
It's Tommy.
330
00:16:28,741 --> 00:16:30,541
That's Gary.
Oh, sorry, lads.
331
00:16:30,541 --> 00:16:32,741
It's just you've all got
the same hairstyle.
332
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:36,741
That'll be the leukaemia, Conor.
Oh, right. I see.
333
00:16:37,061 --> 00:16:40,621
My mate Kevin had a touch of that
when he was younger. He's fine now.
334
00:16:40,621 --> 00:16:43,101
Well he's not... fine,
he's still a bit of a gobshite.
335
00:16:43,101 --> 00:16:46,220
That never went into remission.
336
00:16:46,221 --> 00:16:50,221
Can you smoke in here?
337
00:16:50,501 --> 00:16:53,461
Right, turns out aul Sticky Fingers
over there
338
00:16:53,461 --> 00:16:55,941
ate Conor's Twix
and it's put her in a coma.
339
00:16:55,941 --> 00:16:57,181
Twix can put you in a coma?
340
00:16:57,181 --> 00:17:00,581
Jesus, you'd think they'd slap
a warning on the wrapper, like.
341
00:17:00,581 --> 00:17:02,901
Look, she's going to be OK.
Can we please go now?
342
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:05,021
I'm not going anywhere until...
Fine.
343
00:17:05,021 --> 00:17:09,781
You don't know what I was going to say!
Does it involve the doctor's cock? It does, aye.
344
00:17:09,781 --> 00:17:11,741
I'm not leaving either, Bronagh.
345
00:17:11,741 --> 00:17:13,901
I won't just abandon this poor
woman. It's not right.
346
00:17:13,901 --> 00:17:16,541
You're worried Aoife's at home
waiting for you, aren't you?
347
00:17:16,541 --> 00:17:19,021
I'm not going to lie,
it's a concern. A big concern.
348
00:17:19,021 --> 00:17:21,021
I'm petrified, if I'm honest.
Scared shitless.
349
00:17:21,021 --> 00:17:24,141
So what are you going to do? Just
live here now? I'm considering it.
350
00:17:24,141 --> 00:17:28,141
Oh, I see, grand!
351
00:17:31,461 --> 00:17:34,780
Well played, lads. Well played.
352
00:17:34,781 --> 00:17:36,300
So, what's the damage?
353
00:17:36,301 --> 00:17:38,180
50.
Quid?
354
00:17:38,181 --> 00:17:39,821
Yeah.
Oh, get to fuck, Gary!
355
00:17:39,821 --> 00:17:42,220
- Tommy!
- Whatever.
356
00:17:42,221 --> 00:17:43,501
But, Conor, you lost.
357
00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:46,540
Look, I am not handing over £50.
358
00:17:46,541 --> 00:17:50,541
This isn't Children In Need, lads.
359
00:17:57,181 --> 00:17:58,900
Conor Lynch!
360
00:17:58,901 --> 00:18:02,901
Aoife! What about you?
361
00:18:05,061 --> 00:18:08,460
You're looking well!
362
00:18:08,461 --> 00:18:11,300
Honestly, you are fine.
You're good to go.
363
00:18:11,301 --> 00:18:14,501
Maybe I should take my top off
so you can get a better look.
There's really no need.
364
00:18:14,501 --> 00:18:16,581
No, no, no,
let's just get this out of the way
365
00:18:16,581 --> 00:18:18,421
and then you can have
a good auld hoke.
366
00:18:18,421 --> 00:18:20,781
Now, just... Unbelievable!
Hang on a minute...
367
00:18:20,781 --> 00:18:23,980
Hey! You will never guess
who I ran into.
368
00:18:23,981 --> 00:18:27,421
Ach, that's a nice frock, Aoife.
All right, how's it going?
You suit the green.
369
00:18:27,421 --> 00:18:29,381
I expected better from you.
Look, Aoife,
370
00:18:29,381 --> 00:18:32,461
it's not that I don't like you,
and it's not that it didn't mean anything,
371
00:18:32,461 --> 00:18:35,581
it was, er... Well, I cannot
remember but I'm sure it was lovely.
372
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:39,261
I'm just not in a relationship place
right now. What the fuck
are you talking about?
373
00:18:39,261 --> 00:18:42,021
You think something happened
between us last night?
374
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:44,621
I'd rather shit in my hands
and clap. Oh, OK, I see.
375
00:18:44,621 --> 00:18:46,781
What the fuck have you done
to Auntie Mary?
376
00:18:46,781 --> 00:18:50,501
Ach, is this wee critter your auntie?
You know she's my auntie!
377
00:18:50,501 --> 00:18:52,621
We couldn't get back from
East London last night,
378
00:18:52,621 --> 00:18:55,421
we all had to crash in her flat
and if you've damaged her futon,
379
00:18:55,421 --> 00:18:58,861
she'll be fucking raging. It cost
her a fortune. Oh, you can tell, Aoife.
380
00:18:58,861 --> 00:19:01,541
Shut up! I go out to get milk
this morning and I come back,
381
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,541
and I find that you've taken her.
382
00:19:03,541 --> 00:19:06,061
You've actually stolen
my Auntie Mary!
383
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,661
Well, she stole Conor's Twix.
She did WHAT?!
384
00:19:08,661 --> 00:19:12,941
Aoife, we didn't steal your auntie.
This is just a misunderstanding.
385
00:19:12,941 --> 00:19:16,941
What? Did you give her a Twix?
386
00:19:17,021 --> 00:19:19,620
She's a fucking diabetic!
387
00:19:19,621 --> 00:19:23,621
I didn't give her that Twix!
She stole that Twix, Aoife!
388
00:19:23,981 --> 00:19:26,780
She took it
from my very pocket.
389
00:19:26,781 --> 00:19:29,661
Look, this is a hospital.
Keep it down or take it outside.
390
00:19:29,661 --> 00:19:31,541
Christ, you're a bit of a ride,
aren't you?
391
00:19:31,541 --> 00:19:33,261
We have no idea
what happened last night.
392
00:19:33,261 --> 00:19:36,021
I'm not surprised. You were wallpapered
when you hit the ceilidh.
393
00:19:36,021 --> 00:19:38,821
You could hardly stand. How you won
the four-hand jig is a mystery.
394
00:19:38,821 --> 00:19:41,981
My legs! I wasn't riding,
I was jigging. I was just jigging!
395
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:44,700
We won? We were that good?
396
00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:47,301
You were beautiful,
it was poetry in motion, people cried.
397
00:19:47,301 --> 00:19:49,341
That's not the fucking point.
Hold on.
398
00:19:49,341 --> 00:19:52,420
An Irish dancing competition?
Michael Flatley?
399
00:19:52,421 --> 00:19:55,181
He presented you with your cash
prize. How can you not remember?
400
00:19:55,181 --> 00:19:57,421
Fair play to you, Flatley,
you fast-footed freak.
401
00:19:57,421 --> 00:20:00,741
Oh! Give me some of that
and I can buy that cat back.
402
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:01,861
What?!
403
00:20:01,861 --> 00:20:05,421
I lost Auntie Mary's cat in a game
of poker with two wee bald fellas
404
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:06,461
from the chemo ward.
405
00:20:06,461 --> 00:20:08,900
Auntie Mary hasn't got a cat.
406
00:20:08,901 --> 00:20:11,500
Right, I see.
407
00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:13,140
Whose cat was that?
408
00:20:13,141 --> 00:20:14,501
You lot never change.
409
00:20:14,501 --> 00:20:17,221
I mean, someone helps you out,
gives you a place to stay
410
00:20:17,221 --> 00:20:21,421
for the night and you still just steal
their Auntie Mary and put her in a coma.
411
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:24,381
Ach, Aoife, don't be like that.
I never want to see any of you again.
412
00:20:24,381 --> 00:20:26,621
I don't mean you,
I'll definitely be seeing you again
413
00:20:26,621 --> 00:20:30,221
but you'll be wearing a lot less
clothes. Come on, we're friends.
414
00:20:30,221 --> 00:20:31,541
We are not friends!
415
00:20:31,541 --> 00:20:34,020
And I'm taking this as compensation.
416
00:20:34,021 --> 00:20:36,701
Seriously, this behaviour
is completely inappropriate.
417
00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:40,781
You're going to have to talk less.
Don't let her away with that!
418
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:44,660
Give that back.
419
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:47,580
What you going to do?
420
00:20:47,581 --> 00:20:51,180
Make me?
421
00:20:51,181 --> 00:20:53,540
Careful, mate.
422
00:20:53,541 --> 00:20:57,541
Careful, now.
423
00:20:57,701 --> 00:21:00,941
Actually, do you know what? It's
grand, get yourself something nice.
424
00:21:00,941 --> 00:21:04,660
Come on. I'm buying you a drink.
425
00:21:04,661 --> 00:21:08,661
Move it!
426
00:21:10,461 --> 00:21:12,340
She took him!
427
00:21:12,341 --> 00:21:14,341
She took our hot doctor, Bronagh.
428
00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:18,341
You useless prick.
429
00:21:20,101 --> 00:21:22,420
I am serious, that is me finished.
430
00:21:22,421 --> 00:21:24,100
Don't be stupid, Bronagh.
431
00:21:24,101 --> 00:21:26,421
What are you going to do?
Not go out on St Patrick's Day?
432
00:21:26,421 --> 00:21:27,741
How's that even possible?
433
00:21:27,741 --> 00:21:29,261
What are we celebrating?
434
00:21:29,261 --> 00:21:32,421
What did he even do?
He killed a load of snakes
in Ireland. So what? Big deal.
435
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:34,261
I could kill snakes.
You could kill snakes.
436
00:21:34,261 --> 00:21:36,941
We could both go out there right
now, kill a fuck-load of snakes.
437
00:21:36,941 --> 00:21:40,181
I'd rather just finish my pint
if I'm honest, Bronagh.
He also invented Guinness.
438
00:21:40,181 --> 00:21:42,781
I don't think he did invent
Guinness. He definitely did.
439
00:21:42,781 --> 00:21:45,301
This taxi driver in Ballyshannon
told me all about it.
440
00:21:45,301 --> 00:21:47,020
He invented Guinness.
441
00:21:47,021 --> 00:21:48,341
And socks.
442
00:21:48,341 --> 00:21:50,300
Fair enough.
443
00:21:50,301 --> 00:21:53,661
Why do we do it? I mean, the English
don't make a big fuss about their patron saint.
444
00:21:53,661 --> 00:21:55,820
You can't get English saints.
445
00:21:55,821 --> 00:21:57,141
What about St George?
446
00:21:57,141 --> 00:21:58,181
Never heard of him.
447
00:21:58,181 --> 00:22:00,741
You know St George,
the fella that killed the dragon.
448
00:22:00,741 --> 00:22:03,541
Jesus, all these lads seem to do
is kill wildlife.
449
00:22:03,541 --> 00:22:05,061
A dragon isn't wildlife, mate.
450
00:22:05,061 --> 00:22:07,541
So does Scotland have a patron saint?
Aye, Andrew, isn't it?
451
00:22:07,541 --> 00:22:10,061
What about Wales? Er... who did Wales
get lumbered with?
452
00:22:10,061 --> 00:22:11,661
It'll probably be your woman.
453
00:22:11,661 --> 00:22:14,900
It's not Shirley Bassey, Niamh.
Right. David.
454
00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:17,261
Did we meet him in O'Neill's
one night?
455
00:22:17,261 --> 00:22:20,661
What? No, that was just a Welsh
fella called David.
456
00:22:20,661 --> 00:22:23,981
Sure, he tried to sell us a load
of knocked-off DVDs, remember?
457
00:22:23,981 --> 00:22:25,820
Aye, that's right.
458
00:22:25,821 --> 00:22:29,660
Ach, auld St David!
459
00:22:29,661 --> 00:22:31,901
What a cheeky wee shite!
460
00:22:34,181 --> 00:22:35,901
God, give me strength.
461
00:22:37,901 --> 00:23:05,238
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