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'Live from his luxury penthouse
apartment in London's
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'glittering East End, Dean Learner,
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'club owner and publisher of
high-class gentlemen's magazines
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'invites you to join him
for an exclusive Man to Man.'
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'Please welcome Mr Dean Learner.'
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Good evening and welcome to
Man to Man with Dean Learner,
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where each week,
I'll give you an exclusive invite
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to my £5 million penthouse apartment
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and introduce you to one of my VIP friends
from the world of the arts
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slash entertainment.
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What a guest I have for you tonight.
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I first met him when I was working
at a horror publishing house called
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Beelezebooks.
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Now, my background had been in
high-quality upmarket erotica
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for the discerning connoisseur,
so I wondered, understandably,
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whether I'd feel at home at a company
that dealt exclusively in horror.
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Well, I had no idea
how quickly the horror community -
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and it is a community -
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how quickly the horror community
would wake up to the idea
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of scary porn.
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I wanted to release books
that would give the reader a boner,
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but leave him too terrified
to do anything about it.
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Within the week,
I had coined the phrase,
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"books that will scare you stiff".
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We had opened up
a new herotica division
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and our sales just went silly.
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How could things get any better?
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Well, I'll tell you for how.
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I met a young, hungry,
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vital writer called Garth Marenghi
and we fell in like at first sight.
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Thenceforth started
a writer/publisher relationship
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that has continued to this day
and has developed into
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one of the most important
and meaningful friendships of my life.
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Certainly in financial terms.
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How could I sum up this titan of terror,
this grand duke of darkness?
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It would take me an eternity,
which I quite simply don't have.
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So please welcome
Sir Splatter himself,
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the fright honourable Garth Marenghi.
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Can I just say that when I entered,
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the floor should have been covered
in dry ice to give the impression
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that I don't have feet.
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So just bear in mind,
I may or may not have hooves.
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< Sure.
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That's Satu's fault,
I made the mistake of giving her
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an additional task.
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Are you all right there?
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Yes, Dean.
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If you get frightened
with any of this talk of horror
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just pop your ear muffs on, OK?
All right.
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No, not yet... Oh, she's gone.
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She's gone.
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Satu's my primary partner,
by the way.
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I'm having actually to downsize the harem
here at Dean Towers
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because I'm converting some of the girls'
bedrooms into an indoor skating rink.
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So, sorry, Garth.
Now, it's an historic occasion today
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and I'm truly humbled
to be hosting it
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because this is Garth's first public
appearance since his terrible accident
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of which more in the dueness,
of course, if you feel able.
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Perhap. Perhap.
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And you look marvellous, by the way,
the surgery's been really well done.
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< Which one is the new ear?
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Pardon?
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Oh, pardon! Lovely, that's priceless.
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You've kept your sense of humour,
which is so wonderful.
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You have to, don't you?
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When people come up to me and say,
"What's Garth Marenghi like?"
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They expect me to describe
this dark figure.
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"He writes these twisted, brilliant,
but very gory horror stories
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"like Stump or RIPPER.
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"The guy must be sick."
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But you've provided me with more hootage
than any man I know.
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With the possible exception
of Freddie Starr.
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It's been my lifeline
over the last few months, Dean.
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I've been blessed
with gallowsian humour.
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In fact, as I said
to you before I came out,
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I think I've broken every bone in my body,
except my funny bone!
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I thought that would get a better response.
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Anyway, it's like when I was in the ambulance
going to the hospital,
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I was still up for the crack, was I not?
The ambulance driver turned round
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and he said, "Please, Mr Marenghi,
will you stop talking
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"or we're going to crash,
what you're saying is that funny."
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I can vouch for that because
I was in the ambulance with you
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and I thought I was going to die!
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I said, "They're going to have
to get two body bags ready,
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"this guy's critically ill
and I'm dying of laughter!"
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This show's wonderful, Dean.
It's such a reflection of the wit
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and sophistication that's in you.
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Thank you for that
unprompted compliment.
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Now let's talk about what you were doing
at the start of the year,
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if we may,
before what happened happened.
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Sure, well, in early January
I wrote Return Of The Coil,
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about a woman who circumnavigates
the portals of hell
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via a cursed contraceptive device.
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In late Jan, I wrote the sequel,
Return of the Coil 2, Re-entry.
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In early Feb, Hell Bent, my novella
about a homosexual demon
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searching for acceptance within his own
diabolical community came out.
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Both literally and figuratively.
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Yeah. And there was a bit of a hold up
with that one, wasn't there,
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at the printers? We originally wanted
everything printed on black rubber,
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but that meant you needed to apply talc
each time you turned a page
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and we thought it was a bit tacky,
a bit route one.
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We ended up going for
a glittery dust jacket
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with complimentary nipple ring, which I...
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Yeah.
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Which I thought worked well.
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It does. And then late Feb,
the two sequels came out.
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That was Hell Benders and
Hell Benders 2, The Boys Are Back.
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< And you've got a new book coming out now.
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Let's have a squizz at a clip.
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You know, it frightens me
how many novels of terror I've written.
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Now you can buy all 436
in one easy to read volume.
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'From Garth Marenghi,
who brought you Slicer,
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'Slasher, RIPPER, and many more,
comes Garth Marenghi's The Oeuvre.
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'With a reinforced spine
made from a genuine cat bone.
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'It comes complete with these
detachable balancing sticks,
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'allowing you to read safely and
adjustable brackets for easy storage.
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"Order now and you'll receive
this attachable index
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'and chapter one of
Garth's new novel.'
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If you only buy
one Garth Marenghi book,
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buy this one, which is all of them.
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"Garth Marenghi's The Oeuvre.
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'The only book you'll ever need.'
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It's a phenomenal work rate.
How do you manage it, Garth?
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How do you keep getting inspiration?
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Cheese.
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I eat a lot of cheese, which gives me
these fantastic vivid dreams.
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A lot of writers will smoke pot.
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If I hit a wall, I'll generally reach for
the Emmenthal or the Dolcelatte.
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Wash those down with beer and pickles,
have a nap, wake up,
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chap two awaits.
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The only downside is I tend to
put on two stone a novel.
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But if you type as fast as I do,
you can generally sweat out
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a stone of that, so it evens out,
more or less.
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I'm exactly the same with mackerel.
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I can't stop at one,
I'll eat four or five at a sitting.
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So I always make sure
I forewarn my dining companion
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that I'll need at least an hour
for things to settle afterwards,
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cos the last thing anyone wants
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is for that mackerel to re-emerge
during the physical act of love.
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Well, you know, you are very lucky
with your metabolism,
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because mackerel
would sit very heavily on me.
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I mean, I was approached to be
the face of Ginster's pies,
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which is hugely flattering, of course,
but I had to turn it down
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because the sheer number of freebies
would have been a death sentence.
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At the end of the day,
I'm not a salesman, I'm a shaman.
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I'm a dream weaver.
My job is to question,
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like Poe Edgar Allan, is all we see
or seem but a dream within a dream?
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I don't know, what did he say?
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I don't think he had an answer,
to be honest,
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I think that was the point.
Are you real?
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Yes.
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But are you?
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Oh, stop it, Garth,
you're creeping me out!
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Perhaps you're asleep
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and this is a nightmare.
How do you know you exist?
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Wow, it's interesting, isn't it?
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It's like that question,
if a tree falls
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in the forest and I'm not there
and it makes a sound, but I don't hear it,
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but someone records it
and plays it to me at a dinner party,
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does that mean
I'm still in the forest?
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And if I am, then why can't I just
take a piss in the garden
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rather than queuing for the toilet?
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And that's if the toilet even exists,
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I've been trying
to use it all fucking night!
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I'm starting to doubt the existence
of the toilet, quite frankly,
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at this stage in the proceedings.
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You see?
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Can you feel it? I'm getting you
to ask questions.
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Get a Portaloo is what I'm saying.
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If you're going to have a party of
that size, get a Portaloo.
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Cos I don't want to spend my entire
fucking evening in the corridor!
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And if philosophy can solve
those questions then it's worth it.
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But thus far, it can't.
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So I'm fucking busting...
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...and what's Plato doing about it? Nothing.
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You see?
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You see, you're asking questions.
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00:10:30,637
My mind's abuzz with possibilities.
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It's like peeling an onion, but it
still doesn't answer the question,
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does it, Garth, as to why horror?
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Couldn't you do the same kind of
questioning in whodunits or porno?
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Well, how tong's a piece of string?
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That's true.
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I've always been attracted to
the dark side of life. At school,
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some boys would pull
the wings off flies,
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I'd also perform autopsies.
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I think it's cathartic for me.
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If I wasn't writing, I'd probably be out
on the streets carving people up.
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But I see myself as a ferryman.
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Society is my cargo,
you, Dean, are the first mate.
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All aboard!
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But you, as well as being a writer,
are an actor and a director.
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Correct.
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And you were working
on a feature film.
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Correct.
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< Called War Of The Wasps.
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You've earned
yourself a third correct.
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And I remember very clearly reading the script
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and I said to you, Garth, "I love this.
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"I love this script. I was sick twice
and then I got the runs.
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"We have to make this movie."
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What gave you the idea?
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Well, one day I saw a wasp
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and I thought, "What if that wasp waged war?"
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And then the piece really wrote itself.
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Sure and could you describe
the general premise of the film?
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Sure, well, I play Ken Dagless,
a renegade insectologist
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and part-time horror writer who's thrown out of
the Romford Creepy-Crawly Institute
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00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,277
for his radical paper on daddy-longlegs.
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He's then drafted in to the secret service
counter-insect unit to fight off
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what turns out to be an invasion
of giant cosmic wasps.
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To cut a long story short,
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00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,873
Dagless ends up luring them
into outer space via a giant sticky bun.
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00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,712
Sure, sure.
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00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,440
And are the wasps a metaphor?
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00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:28,669
A meta for what?
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00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,752
No, sorry. A metaphor.
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00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:33,558
Yes, yes, let's say they are.
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We're living in dangerous times, Dean.
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We're living in a climate of fear.
Kin is pitched against kin
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and we're forgetting
what is actually the real threat.
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Right, which is?
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The Dutch.
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00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:49,198
They look very peaceful,
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they appear to be keeping themselves
to themselves, but I'm watching them
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and it's a good job I am
because no-one else is.
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And if any aren't too sky high
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00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:02,073
off home-brewed weed to be watching this,
heed my words, I'm on to you.
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00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,437
So, in short,
the wasps represent the Dutch?
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00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,670
Yes, because everyone knows
that for years now,
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00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,513
the Dutch have been trying to fuse
their kind with wasps
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00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,671
to create an insectoidal super soldier.
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00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,354
The Government are trying
to be hush-hush about it.
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They actually pulled the film from production,
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which just proves the Dutch
are already running wild.
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And we'll be able to see
an exclusive clip of the film
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the Government doesn't
want you to see after the break.
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Keep watching the skies!
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Welcome back to Man to Man
with Dean Learner.
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I'm joined in the Man to Man
mansionette by Garth Marenghi,
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and, as promised, we're going to show
a sequence from War Of The Wasps,
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Garth's allegorical rendering of
a potential future war with the Dutch.
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In this sequence, Ken Dagless...
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Whom I play.
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...is leading a helicopter attack
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on the renegade swarm,
and if I remember rightly, which I do,
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your mission objective is to fire
a giant canister of insect repellent
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up the queen wasp's back entrance
and then detonate it with torpedoes.
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Wrong. I actually detonate it
using a 30 calibre Browning M19 17A1
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hood-mounted machine gun.
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Apologies.
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Incidentally, for you at home,
you probably won't be able to assimilate
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the density of the imagery
in one viewing, so keep up.
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Well, let's take a look.
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Charlie, Echo, Bravo, Delta,
Sanchez, Bugenhagan, stay close.
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How long before the Queen
reaches the kiddie hospice, Reid?
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It's Sod's law that that hospice was built
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right next to Britain's biggest jam factory,
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which in turn was constructed
next to the Houses of Parliament.
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00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,636
And don't forget, Dag, the one woman
you love is trapped in there with them.
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Plus, in addition, a couple of the kids
have got whooping cough.
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Good luck, ladies.
I wish I could be up there with you,
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but I've got a bad back.
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You heard the man.
Let's tag us some jaspers. Fall in.
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3 o'clock, Bugenhagan, bank left.
Try and draw their fire.
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Sanchez, dip it low.
Let's make them disappear.
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Try this for size.
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Jesus Christ, wasp on my tail.
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Can't shake this one, Dag.
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I told you to bug off.
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Nice work.
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Watch out, the other side.
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Dag!
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I'm OK.
I've lost my repellent though.
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Help! Help!
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What is it, Bugenhagan?
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There's too many!
There's just too many!
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Keep still, don't annoy them,
and they'll just fly away.
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No, Bugenhagan.
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Aaaargh!
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- Jump, man!
- Aaaargh!
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Oh, no!
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Bye-bye, Bugenhagan.
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Sanch, it's just you and me now, buddy.
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00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,877
Sorry to break up the tender moment,
you fart knockers,
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but there's a Killer Queen wasp out there
that's hornier than a bitch in season
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and we need to frack her bug-eyed
yellow-bellied heiney
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before she hunts that hospice.
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- So get pronto, Tonto!
- Copy that.
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I've got her. She's in my sights.
Bloody thing's jammed.
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I'm going to have to fly up
the business end myself.
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You know I have do, Dag.
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Look, I'll make sure they build a statue
of you right in the middle of Romford.
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00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,795
Well, not the middle,
we wouldn't get the planning permission,
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but maybe next to that big Odeon.
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00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,913
Now, listen, don't talk,
we've not much time. In a minute,
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you are going to see my chopper
hanging out of that jasper's arse.
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You're not going to want to shoot,
because your best buddy's up there,
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but you have do, cos you'd ask me
to do the same thing.
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00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,478
Sorry, Sanch, I didn't get any
of that, you're breaking up.
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00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,631
Look, I'll just shoot you
when you're up there.
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This is for every time I've tried
to drink a can of cider in the park.
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Brilliant.
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Lovely. Lovely.
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Now, since that film,
you've turned your considerable gifts
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to the world of fine arts
and your new exhibition,
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Imaginearta Horrificarta,
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has opened at the
Canvey Island Arts Centre.
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That's right, that's right.
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And it's been wonderful,
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because we've got people of all shapes
and sizes, all ages, all shit for it together,
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and sometimes they've actually
walked out, it's that terrifying.
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Well, that is an achievement,
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and indeed, sometimes people have been
so terrified, they haven't even showed up.
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00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:18,995
- See, I take that as a great compliment.
- Sure.
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Did you look to any other artist
for inspiration at all?
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There's usually something quite profound
in there I missed first time.
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I thought it was tremendous
and what I loved so much about it
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is that you provide very extensive notes
alongside the paintings
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which is great, because there's no need to
interpret them at all. I mean, it's all explained.
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There's nothing like subtext or anything,
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so I whizzed round the whole exhibition
in 15 minutes.
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Well, people are very busy, Dean,
they don't have time
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10 go to an exhibition and think as well,
$0, and 10 be honest,
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there's nothing worse than a work of art
that leaves you asking questions.
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I was barely thinking.
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00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:07,874
Thank you.
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00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,437
But the exhibition had to close, didn't it,
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because you had an accident
when you were working at your home studio?
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00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,078
Do you feel able to discuss this at all?
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00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,834
Well, you know, it was a small thing.
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A silly thing really.
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You're amongst friends, Garth.
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00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,755
Well, I'd just sculpted a 40-foot statue
of my head and it fell on me.
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00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,190
You know, it could have happened to anyone.
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00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,079
Sure, sure. And I understand
you were actually trapped
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00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,390
in your own left nostril for most of the day.
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00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,710
That's right, yeah.
When Pam, my wife, came home from work,
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she cut me out,
but I did go for five hours without food.
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00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,040
Jesus Christ.
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00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,830
And then I called you
to call the private ambulance
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00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,673
to take me through to the hospital
to test me for concussion,
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00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,559
which actually didn't turn out to be
concussion, it was just I was hungry.
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00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:07,110
And actually, when we were in the ambulance,
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00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,750
as we alluded to earlier, you kept
cracking these hilarious jokes
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00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,754
and in the end, the ambulance did crash.
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00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,310
That's right, but that comes with
the territory if you're an artist.
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00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,994
You know, if it's good for Vince Van G,
it's good enough for me.
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00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:25,870
And since then, you've been working at your
home studio on a new collection, haven't you?
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00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,520
Yeah, and I have to say,
the new collection's pretty damn primal.
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00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:32,230
Sure. And we took our Man to Man
camera crew, well, cameraman,
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00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:36,473
let's be honest, to document
Garth's fresh brush with horror.
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00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:41,396
Come on, that was witty.
Unbelievable!
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00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:02,836
Greetings, Traveller,
and welcome to my house o' horrors.
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00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,356
Or perhaps I should say
my converted attic o' horrors.
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00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:10,673
I come up here in the morning
and the first thing I'll do is I'll strip off
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00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,673
and then ['ll try to catch visions.
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00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,398
This is entitled Famine.
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00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,154
It's very easy to paint famine.
Just keep it thin.
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00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,756
I don't know if you've seen,
but there's a little skull at the bottom,
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00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,753
so any Hamlet fans that are watching,
that one's for you.
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00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,753
This one over here is called the Taxman.
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00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,877
These people are from the VAT office.
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00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,679
This one here is a Valentine present
to my wife, Pam.
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00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,239
It's called Consummation.
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00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:35,913
This is just paint.
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00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,673
This is my most recent painting.
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00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:42,516
It's my vision of what the family Marenghi
would look like without skin.
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00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:47,879
As I've always said, a family
that plays together, flays together.
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00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:52,557
That's the face of a reader deprived of
Garth Marenghi novels,
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00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,838
and what these are are a cross between
my eyeballs and my sperm,
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00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:01,676
so it's my visions that are giving birth
and impregnating the minds of millions.
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00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,718
I was so enraged one day, I came in,
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00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,837
I just span that.
It used to be like that.
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00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,480
I just did that.
I've never put it back, and I won't.
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00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:14,031
Now, I must warn you, don't,
whatever you do, go in that corner.
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00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:17,112
No, it's all right, don't.
It's just we've got a lamp there.
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00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:21,512
This has been a short, but disturbing
journey around my studio d'art.
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00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,193
Thank you very much for coming.
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00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:26,477
I hope to see you again soon,
but for now, get out,
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00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:29,393
get out, for the demons are coming.
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00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:46,552
Terrific stuff there, Garth,
and you've got a new exhibition,
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00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,916
Aluminartum Diabolicartum.
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00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,638
- That coming soon, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.
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00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:51,915
Best of luck with that.
387
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,832
Don't need it.
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00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:58,710
Well, all that remains for me to do
is to thank once again
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00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,952
my super guest, Garth Marenghi,
for talking to me, Man to Man.
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00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,429
Pleas'.
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00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,956
And to thank you very much for watching.
Thank you very much.