'Live from his luxury penthouse apartment in London's glittering East End,
'Dean Learner, club-owner, entrepreneur and publisher
"of high-class gentlemen's magazines, invites you to join him
'for an exclusive Man to Man.'
'Please welcome Mr Dean Learner.'
Thank you. Thank you so much.
A thousand thank-yous. Welcome to Man to Man.
My name is Dean Learner and you could say I'm a one-man brand.
I've got a club called Deanos, a restaurant called Chez Deanos,
an erotic comic called The Deano
and a men's magazine called Jigglers.
That was originally called Deano's Jigglers,
but the image it conjured up was at best harrowing, wasn't it?
< Yep.
This show is an attempt to bring back some refinement to modern television -
a medium that has become so depraved, so venal
that I'm almost ashamed to be associated with it.
And I've worked in skin.
In short, you can sum up the credos of Man to Man in one word - class.
What is class? It's impossible to define,
despite what dictionaries would have us believe.
But certain images can conjure up its essence.
Jumbo prawns, ankle bracelets,
and dimmer switches in the toilet.
And my special guest this evening is pure class.
He's the candelabra of toilet lighting, if you will.
As many of you'll know, I've had a long-standing love of motor racing.
Back in the '80s I even had my own team called the Dean Team.
Perhaps you've heard of it or, perhaps you haven't.
Those are the two options.
The point is, tonight's VIP visitor was the most famous driver
the Dean Team ever had, but you might know him better now
as a spokesman for a major hair restoral company.
Having lived life in the fast lane for well over a decade,
it's no surprise to me that my back hair has begun to fall out.
But with Back Studio's revolutionary new hair restoral treatment
my back, sac, crack and shoulders
have been restored to their bushy best in just under three years.
Has it changed my life?
You betcha! Back in business.
Please welcome the four-times former Formula Five world champion,
Steve "The Accelerator" Pieing. With one S.
Thank you, Dean...
One second. OK.
And go!
Thank you, Dean. I'm over the moon to be here.
Can I say that's an hilarious start to the proceedings,
albeit technically inaccurate.
The chequered flag usually denotes the close of a race whereas the start
is usually signified by a sequence of coloured lights flashing
red, red, green, then out, but thank you and thank you also
for the correct pronunciation of my surname.
So many people over the years have pronounced it "Pie-sing", or "Pizzing".
It's not. It's Pieing.
I've said it once, and I'll say it again -
Pieing is my name and I'm proud to be a Pieing, and that's the end of it.
- Agreed. - That's the end of it, Dean.
Sure, sure.
Some time back your racing career was cut tragically short
by an horrendous car accident, of which more in the dueness, of course,
which means a lot of our younger viewers may not know you were once
four-times Formula Five world champion.
Forgive me for blowing smoke up my own trumpet,
but all of those wins were with my team, the Dean Team.
That's right, I'd like to say that with you by my side I was "living the Dean".
Well, that's both funny and kind.
Tell me, what was it like to drive a Formula Five car?
< What made it so exciting?
I'd have to say the speed.
- The speed. - The sheer speed, Dean.
There was nothing like it. It was better than sex.
Well, better than any sex I've ever had.
The feeling of speed was indescribable.
So what was it like?
As I say, it's indescribable.
Try describing it.
Really good.
Thank you. Together we won a lot of races
but what for you was your finest moment?
I'd have to say Brands Hatch '85.
I was leading solidly for 15 laps and then on lap 16
I was taken by Henrik Gregor, the fiery Sri Lankan.
I got angry, I put my foot down.
I did this... and I was back on pole.
And that was the greatest moment of your life?
Yes, it was.
There was a moment immediately prior to that where I had done this...
and that was pretty special. I mean, I remember thinking
that's probably my greatest moment, but then that moment led to this...
which blew the previous moment right out of the park.
The only thing that has come close since is when I first saw the trailer to Troy.
It's a very dangerous sport, isn't it?
Well, I've got no skin left on my legs any more.
They look like two tubes of pate.
One dermatologist said
I'm literally down to my last layer of skin so I can't wash with a flannel any more.
I have to use wet wipes from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
And that's the only brand my skin will take.
So if I ever want to spruce up, it's a trip to the Colonel.
It's very difficult to find a good quality wet wipe in any case,
because I took Satu to the Ivy recently
and I asked for a wet wipe and they said,
"We don't do wet wipes." I said, "The fuck you don't do wet wipes!"
"I'm paying two ton a head and you don't to fucking wet wipes?"
They said, "No, we don't." I said, "Send down for a wet wipe.
"I've got shrimp all over my hands. I stink, I need a wet wipe."
In the end they had to bike some over from Chicken Cottage
who do a very good wet wipe, and gratis, I may add.
But I have to say, the Ivy were a little bit embarrassed by the whole thing.
Cos I'd been in there two week back and they didn't have any sporks.
Back to you, Steve. You've borne all your innumerable chafings
with considerable courage.
I think that's what the British public loves so much about you. It's your character.
Well, it's not for no reason that I've been voted personality of the year
three times running.
Sure, and that's a very difficult competition to win because you were up against
some very witty sportsman including, I think, John Parrott.
Well, as I said on the night, I've had the ride of my life in this career
but road to this particular trophy has been the bumpiest.
That is priceless.
Lovely.
You actually wrote that joke yourself, didn't you?
Yes, I did. It took about a week but...
I was very pleased with the results
and I think it still holds up well today.
I think I agree and it was that speech, and in particular that joke, if I may be so bold,
that led to the tide of Pieing-mania that swept the country.
You were everywhere. There were Pieing T-shirts, Pieing mugs,
Pieing posters and even a Pieing single.
That's right.
- Driving Me Crazy. - Driving Me Crazy, that's right.
How did it go? You're driving me crazy
Take your foot off the gas I'm all tired out
I've got my head on the dash
We need to put the brakes on or we'll skid off the tracks
We've been slow out the grids Now [ want you back
You're driving me crazy Why don't you give it a rest?
Doo-wop, bunny rabbit, Pardon. No, that's Chas and Dave.
Yes, that's Chas and Dave.
- To be fair, I think we ripped it off them. - Yeah, sure.
I suppose the culmination of this avalanche of merchandise
was your video in which you documented your hopes, dreams
and your plans for the future when you were literally at the top of your game.
So let's have a look at Pieing In The Driving Seat.
Hi, I'm Steve Pieing and this is Pieing In The Driving Seat.
'In this home video cassette, Steve Pieing will reveal what drives him,
'his racy views on the motor business, keep us on track with his private life
'and candidly share his hopes for the future
'while also putting the brakes on some rumours about his imminent retirement.
'Steve Pieing is one of Formula Five's great personalities.
'Three-times UK champion, with an historic 47 trophies to his name,
'he's known to other drivers and fans alike as "The Accelerator".
Well, I'm known as "The Accelerator”, I suppose because in my motor racing career
I've often had to accelerate in order to overtake rival drivers.
I suppose it's a reference to that.
'A devoted husband to his wife Marie, he runs a successful business
'with his brother, Barry Pieing.
'He also owns a camel and opened a camel refuge
'in his home town of Folkestone, Kent.'
I own a camel, I love camels, I adore camels. I'm camel crazy.
Camels have great stamina, they look good, like me
they go a hell of a long way on one tank, and above all, they're honest.
Let me say this to you now, if only everyone was as honest as a camel,
the world would be a much better place, in my opinion.
'What does Steve feel about the recent fraud and manslaughter allegations
'made against Dean Learner and Dean Machine Motors?
'Do these have a bearing on his future plans?
I have the utmost respect for Dean Learner.
I think he does a wonderful job often in very difficult circumstances.
Granted, he flew off the handle somewhat during his recent courtroom appearance
but I've said this once,
and I'll say it again - as far as I'm concerned,
Dean has always been straight with me and I have always been straight with him.
I'll be completely straight with the judge when I'm called to testify
at Dean's trial next month.
Dean knows that, Dean respects that, I've got nothing to hide.
Dean has got nothing to hide. The Dean Team has nothing to hide.
'So we leave Steve Pieing at a crossroads in his career
'but one thing is for certain - this won't be the last chapter
'in the Pieing story.'
Very nice to see that.
Shortly after that video you indeed announced you were leaving my team, the Dean Team.
- Yes. - Steve, you left with my blessing.
I wished you the very best.
But I warned you at the time that if you left me,
things would not turn out well for you.
And I was right, wasn't I?
True, it was an uncanny prediction because in my first race with my new team
I had a terrible crash that effectively put the brakes on my entire career.
Which is ironic, because it was your brakes that failed during that race.
It's one of those things you have to live with, Dean.
I don't know how that brake cable became severed in 18 different places.
It's a mystery.
C'est la vie.
Now, the injuries you received were extensive.
No-one was more surprised than me when you pulled through.
Well, it was a horrific crash. I remember it like it was yesterday.
The brakes failed, I hit the kerb, the car flipped, I went into a roll,
slid on some oil, skidded into a tyre wall, bounced over the control tower
on to a garage roof, catapulted sideways into a tree,
dropped down into the path of a speeding van, ricocheted back up into the tree,
landed bonnet-down in a skip, the petrol tank blew, the car exploded,
the tree fell on the car.
At that point I was worried I might not make it!
My seat caught fire, the skip blew up, I started hearing gunshots...
then a pick-up truck dumped 15 gallons of wet cement on top of me.
When I was chiselled out of the wreckage, my pelvis was shattered,
one arse cheek was hanging loose, the top of my head was leaking,
and by spine had become severely compressed.
By how much?
I was 3ft 5, Dean.
But lucky for me they managed to surgically stretch me back
to something approximating my original height over a period of seven years.
Why you ever afraid you were going to die?
Well, I did die, Dean.
I was rushing down a tunnel towards a very bright light at the other end.
I was going, maybe 200, 220 mph, popped out the other end
and I saw the face of God.
And what did he look like?
A little bit like Uncle Albert from Only Fools And Horses.
That's how I imagine him to look like.
- I guess he didn't do that a lot though? - Um...
Not that I noticed, but heaven was like a huge car parts depot,
gleaming white and stocked to the gills with every form
of car part or car part accessory you could wish for. I remember thinking,
"If I come through this I'm going to open up a similar operation
"in Folkestone or maybe Dover."
And God said to me, "Steve, "that's a great idea.
"There's a lot of passing trade opening up in Folkestone,
"what with the Chunnel nearing completion
"and increasing reinvestment throughout the area.
"And you have already built up good brand loyalty
"with Pieing parts and Pieing Oil."
So we talked for about an hour about the motor parts trade
and we found a lot of our views on how to trade in stock were very similar.
Sorry, I have to interrupt you there, Steve. I had idea that answer would be so long.
We have to go to a commercial break.
Please come back for what I promise will be a snappier second half.
Welcome back to Man to Man with Dean Learner.
I'm about to re-commence talking to
the former Formula Five world champion Steve Pieing, now.
After the crash that ended your motor-racing career,
you returned to domestic life. How did you find that?
Um, since my retirement, my wife Marie and I have been trying for a baby
but with no joy at all and it's been devastating for me,
Dean, because as you know I want to continue the Pieing name.
It's an old Anglo-Saxon name and regrettably, it's dying out.
And I understand, as yet, your marriage has been without issue.
You got it and one, Dean.
Unfortunately, the temperatures generated in the driving seat
during an average Formula Five race are roughly the equivalent of a Breville toaster.
So sadly, over the years, the tip of my shaft has become heat sealed.
Um...
A bit like the corners of a toasted sandwich.
Could you not try siphoning off some sperms?
I'd love to, Dean, but the trouble is,
after ten years on the track with my testes sizzling
on a white hot engine, everything down there's long since curdled.
Well, I've got the opposite problem.
I just found out this week that I've got another son,
which is not ideal, but then again, you can't argue with a DNA test...
not for long.
Sorry, I digress. Couldn't you adopt?
No. Apparently, calling a child Pieing
in this day and age constitutes a form of child abuse.
Not to harp on about it, but even my wife Marie won't take my name.
And I've said to her, I've pleaded, "Please, Marie, please take it
"as a middle name," but she won't.
She won't cos her surname's Blood.
Let's... Let's move on.
After the crash that you should not have survived...
...you went full-time into the parts business, didn't you?
That's right. I love the parts business.
I get the same kick from selling a wheel component or a splash shield
as I did crossing the finishing line, would you believe?
I believe you, Steve.
And you ran that business with your brother, Barry.
I believe we've got a picture of him. There he is.
That's my brother, Barry. He's my younger brother.
Just sitting here thinking about him makes my blood boil.
Cain and Abel,
Romulus and Remus,
and now Steve and Barry.
Why can't brothers get on?
I dunno, Dean. I love him like a brother but at the same time,
I hate him so much I could spit.
And I don't even approve of spitting, as you know.
I tell you who is a terrible one for spitting, he's a real gobber,
and that's Des Lynam.
When he's on Countdown, they actually have to put a spittoon under his desk.
That's true. That is true. He won't tell you.
That's why he's got the moustache, to soak it up, basically.
Um...
So what did Barry do?
What didn't he do?
Let's start off with what he did do.
- Because that was a long first half. - OK.
Well, things began one day when we'd been delivered
an extra wiper blade from our supplier by mistake
and Barry suggested we pocket the profit and keep our heads low for a week.
I said "Barry, I don't wanna live like a fugitive for a rest of my life.
"I can't do business like that."
Not long after that, he began to turn up late for work,
he'd roll-up to the depot at about 7.30 when I'd been there since five,
and I'd say, "Jesus, what time do you call this? Half the day's gone."
And he'd just look at me, flip the bird and say, "Climb it, Tarzan."
Then I noticed he started to take the van home at weekends
and when it came back on Monday morning, it smelt distinctly of midnight sin.
And the worst thing was, he wouldn't do up his top button on his shirt,
which from a customer's point of view is like being kicked in the balls.
You were so ill with stress, you had to take five months off work.
That's where all back hair fell out.
And that's when I came back to you, the only man in the world I could trust,
and very honourably and for £50, you took the business off my hands
and a whole heap of worry from my shoulders.
And these are exciting times for the business, because we have a new reality show
where you and I have to find a new trainee
to oversee the future growth of Pieing Parts. So let's have a look at The Learner.
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, Mr Learner.
Let's cut straight to it, shall we?
You lot are going to be competing against one another
to become the new night security guard at my Woking depot.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
As well as the obvious cachet that such a position affords,
the lucky appointee
will receive an annual salary of 9.5K and a personalised name badge.
Helping me choose my "Learner" security guard
will be my two trusted advisers - to my right, Mr Steve Pieing.
He heads up the car parts depot here and as such over the next few weeks
will be my eyes, ears, throat and balls.
To my left, my financial adviser.
I'm gonna split you up into two groups - shirts and skirt.
Shirts, you can do stocktaking with Steve here
- and skirt, what's your name, my love? - Martine.
Martine, my darling, you can soak down the Jag with me and Mary Lou.
Water pumps, that's a DI2519 and a DI2517.
Can you see them?
There they are, there they are. What's the quantity.
Two.
What's the quantity?
Two.
What's the quantity?
Look, there you go. Quantity, one, jot it down.
Exhaust paste power cans, where are they?
Wrong, that's a water pump.
Can you see them?
If they come too far on the shelves, they can fall and it's against health and safety.
If this juts out too far and I'm walking along here, bang and I'm out.
So just be very, very careful.
Bring it up to the edge, but no further.
Don't push it all the way back, you might miss one walking through.
I walk past and go, "Where is it?" and I've gone past it.
It's literally up to that edge.
That's why they were built this length.
That's why the width is right.
It's just right for the job. It's just right for the job.
- Did you stack these? - Yes.
Yeah, they're over-stacked. If you look, come here.
If you look, there's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... Well, there's 10.
I know what you've done.
You've put 10 on thinking 10's a nice even number
but they should only ever go to at least 7,
7 or less, really,
because if I walk along here and I'm crouching and walking through,
and they drop off,
I know they're not heavy but enough of them could blind me.
- Does anyone here want a cup of tea? - No.
- Cup of tea? - No. They don't. They're fine. They're fine.
Can you send them in, please.
OK.
OK, I've listened to the advice of Steve and Mary Lou
but now, I need you to convince me.
You, what have you got to say for yourself?
Your employee said I did good.
Pardon me?
< I was great.
You were great? Suddenly great.
< I did it good.
"He did it good". He did it good.
Did he did it good, Steve?
Um, he did.
I caught someone like you keying my car. Do you know what happened to him?
- What? - He carried his leg home.
It's all a joke to these fellas.
What about you? How many GCSEs have you got?
I have two GCSEs.
I don't like eggheads. OK? So I've got a problem with you.
Why should I keep you on?
Well, like that guy said before,
I think I done my task to my best ability.
Right. What's your best ability?
That of a hog? What have you got to say in your defence?
I think Steve and I make a pretty good team.
So you're Torvill and Dean, suddenly, are you?
Skating together in synch?
It was discussed.
- What, Torvill and Dean? - Us going skating.
What about you, then?
I can be a good employee for you.
- For me? - Yeah.
Right. You know what I think you are?
I think you're a fucking toilet.
Martine, how did you get on?
I dunno.
Don't know. OK.
This is very tough, this is very tough indeed.
A lot of conflicting testimony.
It is my decision.
But I've made it and I'm gonna cut all of you loose except Martine.
There's a great episode coming up later
where Satu and Martine have a cat fight on a bouncy castle,
so watch out for that.
All that remains for me to do is to thank once again my super guest,
Steve Pieing, for talking to me Man to Man
and to thank you very much for watching.
Thank you very much.
I think we're done, I'll get a hose.
You might get sprinkled a bit.
Don't give me that look, Steve.
That car's too clean, Dean.
It's my decision, Steve.
Your decision.
It is my decision.
And the car is the level of cleanness that I'd like.
Tonight might be a late one so you'd best call your mother
because I doubt you'll be back before 11.30.
- Oh. - OK.