'Live from his penthouse apartment in London's glittering East End
'Dean Learner, club owner and publisher of high-class gentlemen's magazines,
'invites you to join him for an exclusive Man to Man.'
'Please welcome Mr Dean Learner!'
Thank you. Good evening and welcome to Man to Man.
Thank you for dropping by the mansionette at the top of Dean Towers.
If you'll forgive me, I have one bit of AOB to attend to.
This week sees the launch of my new television channel
dedicated to girl-on-girl pillow fighting.
You can order it by phoning this number on your screen.
Give our call team your credit card details and join the harmless fun.
Charges to your card will be marked as "office equipment".
My VIP visitor tonight is a towering figure in the world of sci-fi cinema
for the home video market.
Films such as Time Whackers, The Lactator and Cock Gooses 1 through 8
have made him a hero to single men throughout the world.
He's perhaps best remembered for his role in the TV series Galactacops,
in which he played Bot, the alien with a human heart.
His autobiography, Bot Seriously...
...movingly describes his career,
and is available from the Dean Learner book club.
The number for that should come up on your screen now.
Order now and get my autobiography
I Have A Dean:
Learning, Living And Loving With Dean Learner
for the reduced price of £90.
But before I welcome this acting behemoth,
let's cop a look at one of Bot's finest moments.
It's too late for me, Jack. My time is over.
Do not weep, as I have known many wonderful things
as the ship's chief pleasure port.
Why, you showed me the raging stars of Dramatracon 5.
You showed me the twin moons of the Gantrax helix,
where we liberated the Hoodrimons from their vile slave masters,
and restored the mighty Optrix.
And you showed me that game with those majestic coloured orbs.
What was the name of that game, Jack?
Snooker.
Snooker. Snooker.
Mourn not my passing, for we Botricons do not fear death.
The knowledge of my people may be passed on
to those who've joined our quest for courage, wisdom
and, above all, dignity.
Let us perform the rite.
Drink, my friend.
Please give a warm intergalactic welcome to Mr Glynn Nimron.
Galactacops! Galactacops!
If a planet needs a hand That's where we will be
Galactacops! Galactacops!
Bringing justice to the galaxy.
Greetings, Captain.
At ease, soldier.
It's great to see you looking so well, Glynn.
Thank you very much, and thank you for your wonderful introduction.
Although we in the business never use "sci-fi". It's SF.
That's right.
For scientifical fictions!
- Not sci-fi. - Never sci-fi.
Demontford Graney, the creator of Galactacops, despised "sci-fi".
Like he despised Orientals.
It's a simple mistake, but one I feel should be rectified.
- Could we have the fire a little lower, please? - Yeah, sure.
I can no longer endure heat stronger than 25 degrees Centigrade.
My forehead is already susceptible to finger indentation.
Sure.
Let me know if you notice any discharge.
- I'll let you know should you discharge. - Thank you.
If you could do likewise.
Of course.
There's a bit of a whiff, actually.
That's a chemical compound.
It cools the skin from within.
It isn't in the stores yet because it's still highly flammable.
OK. Can we...? Let's have this fire down a little bit lower. OK.
It's an honour to have you on the show. I've had many achievements.
I own six nudey bars. I've met both Proclaimers.
I refereed a tug-o-war between them and Tears For Fears.
Meeting you is a culmination of everything. I'm a huge fan.
It's the best moment of my entire life. Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you very much, Dean.
Thank you very much for coming all this way. You've flown in from Hawaii.
- That's right. - You're half Hawaiian.
Yes. My father was a Hawaiian fire breather.
My mother was a nurse in a burns unit.
Ironically, on their first date my father belched and set her alight.
She was a beautiful woman, my mother - on the left-hand side.
She was certainly a striking presence in any room.
I really enjoyed reading your new autobiography,
which is the sixth you've written.
I tried squeezing them into five but they wouldn't fit!
Wouldn't fit! Lovely!
But this is a special one in which you discuss candidly
your relationship with the creator of Galactacops, Demontford Graney.
He was a genius.
We shared a vision in Galactacops.
On one hand, it was a futuristic cop show.
On the other, it dealt with fundamental human themes.
- Indeed, yes. - Tolerance, compassion, love,
understanding, water sports and, above all, dignity.
Human dignity, something Demontford never lost,
right up until that final rectal prolapse which ended his career.
I'm so proud because we've managed to film you reading that book for DVD,
- out soon on the DEANVD label. - Well...
That was on your suggestion, Dean.
I thought it might be even more appreciated by the illiterate.
If you tap into the illiterate market you're quids in cos they can't read the reviews!
Let's take a look.
Hello, I'm Glynn Nimron.
Welcome to volume 1.9 of my digitally versatile discal biog.
If you're expecting to meet Bot, you're gonna be disappointed.
Bot is under strict instructions not to interfere.
Greetings, I am Bot.
Didn't I tell you not to interfere?
It is my nature to help those who are struggling.
I'm managing very well, thank you. Now, get outta here.
As you wish.
Gee! I hope he doesn't pop up again unannounced!
I met Demontford Graney when I was a young actor in some long-forgotten drama.
I'd never heard of the director.
One evening, as I was hosing off my make-up in my dressing room,
he made his feelings known.
"Glynn," he said, drawing the shower curtain closed behind him.
"You have the physique of an astronaut.
"Want you to play Bot in my new film.
"And you're using that loofah all wrong. This is how it's done."
The rest of that evening is now, sadly, just a haze.
But one thing was certain, a new and powerful force had entered Glynn Nimrod.
The following day, I feverishly devoured Demontford's script.
Bot had five lines. How the hell was I gonna learn all this material?
I was terrified. I'd only ever had one speaking role.
That was, "Please don't shoot me. I'm new to this country."
So I consulted Demontford.
"Mr Graney," I said, wringing my hands nervously.
"Maybe you should hire another actor."
He steadied my nervous wrists by securing them tightly to my ankles and whispered,
"Glynn, I don't want an actor. I want you."
The rest of that lunch time is now, sadly, just a haze.
But one thing was certain, Bot was back.
Did someone say my name?
Don't make me use this!
It stays as funny as that for the next 30 hours!
Bot is your most fam... only famous character.
How would you describe him to the millions of people who have no idea who he is?
Well, Bot started out as trainee counsellor 3 on the Galactacops cruiser, the Galactacad,
and fast became a firm favourite with the fans.
By film 13, Bot had completed his training
and been promoted to co-deputy assistant's secretary
to the advisory board for the vice-chief junior ombudsman's standing committee.
Quite a physically demanding role. Demontford did push you.
Didn't he put you on an oestrogen diet so you could grow breasts?
Yes, he did.
Whenever I was anxious, Demontford popped a reassuring thumb up my ass
and the whole worry of the world would just melt away.
I'm about to embarrass you, Glynn.
I've had a dream to perform in a scene with my favourite actor, Chuck Norris...
Only joking. Glynn Nimron!
I've got a script which I've written, based on my autobiography.
I'd love you to look at the part of my mother.
- OK. - I've got it...
Hang on.
Could you hold this?
Oh.
Oh, Jesus Christ! Put him out! OK.
Cut to the pillow fight.
Put him out! Put him out!
Welcome back.
My guest tonight, Glynn Nimron,
has partially melted as a result of an accidental fire in the studio.
An act of God, nothing could have been done to prevent it.
Glynn's skin is thin due to surgical grafting for breast augmentation.
The top of his head has come away,
his shoulders are slightly crispy and his nipples have begun to weep.
He is being kept cool in the Man to Man hospitality suite, where he is awaiting a doctor.
He is being kept moist, having hot milk and cake,
and we've cut him safely out of his trousers.
The lighting is low but Glynn is both willing and contractually obliged
to continue... to continue talking to us.
Glynn, can you hear me?
- Oh, boy! - Glynn...
Oh, wow!
Are you all right?
I'm just sorry we couldn't complete our script.
I've got the script. It would be great to go through it.
Actually, I don't think that's a good idea. I'm burned pretty bad.
It's all right. Satu can hold up the script for you.
Oh...
I'll set the scene. I'm in the middle...
Oh!
Come on! Bub-bub-bub-bub.
- Oh. - OK..
I'm opening my first lap-dancing club
and I receive a call saying my mother is critically ill.
It's your line, first.
Oh, Jesus. I'm so god-damned hot!
No. No.
It's actually, "I'm so proud of you, Dean. I'm sorry to do this on your big night."
Then it's my line. "Don't worry, Mother. I forgive you. Can you not die for another hour?
"Gaz Top is here and the press are clamouring for a photo of us."
Ooh!
No. No. No.
That's not it either, Glynn.
We'll play in the VT and we'll come back.
I don't think so, Dean. I'm burned pretty bad.
Yeah, no. You've said!
Earlier this year, I gave Glynn a camera.
Well, lent. He seems to have taken it as a fucking gift!
I asked him to give us an insider's view
of the 14th Uxbridge Science Fiction and Fantasy Convention.
Hi, I'm Glynn Nimron and I'm here in Uxbridge, England
for the 14th Uxbridge Science Fiction and Fantasy Convention
in the Uxbridge Conference Centre right here in Uxbridge.
I'm going to go grab a continental breakfast in my hotel
which, lucky for me, is situated just across the way there.
Come on. I'll buy you coffee.
Galactacops! Galactacops!
If a planet needs a hand That's where we will be
Galactacops! Galactacops!
Bringing justice to the...
Glynn Nimron.
- No. - No?
No, really. There's nothing here.
Maybe they put it under my travelling pseudonym, Mr Milk.
No.
What about Bot? He could have put it under Bot.
Oh. Bot 9,000.
That's the one. It should be 10,000.
I got promoted in the last film but that's their problem, not yours.
So how would you like to pay?
- I thought it was paid for. - Not yet.
Oh, OK. How much is it?
It's 45 for a double.
Jesus Christ!
Thank you.
'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onto the stage Mr Glynn Nimron.'
Hello!
Hello, everybody.
Hello, Uxbridge. How are you?
Great or, as I should say, as Bot would say, splenmatma wurnoff vo.
Splenmatma wurnoff vo.
You got it. It's wonderful to be here among so many familiar faces.
Bang goes my speech! You guys all heard it last year.
It's £5 for a pre-signed photograph. £10 if I sign it in front of you.
For another £10, I'll take my top off! No, seriously, just my shorts.
- Do you take cheques? - I'll take just about anything!
I've had an idea. You sign it and I'll fill it in!
I'm only kidding. £10. That's great.
Hello. What's your name?
- William. - William comes from the German Wilhelm.
"Wil" meaning desire and "helm" meaning helmet.
So I can quite legitimately say to you, I desire your helmet.
In fact, I'm going to give you a discount. That's £9.50.
And I will see you in the bar, hopefully.
Can I get a picture with you?
Of course. First take your 50p.
- Come over here. - Thank you.
- OK. Come down to my level. - Sorry.
OK.
I can't do a discount for children. £10, £10, £10, £10. So £40.
We'll just take one.
I can only sign it to one of them. Could you not do that to the table?
I've had a wonderful time, one dirty banana too many.
It's good night from me and it's good night from William,
who has kindly agreed to give this aging alien a bed for the night.
Thanks for joining me and I hope to see you next year. Over to you, Dean.
During that VT sequence, Glynn's condition has sadly worsened.
My personal physician is with him. He's a breast specialist.
He's done all of my girlfriends.
He has told me that Glynn has to have a quadruple breast by-pass
or he'll drown in saline.
Phil, how's he doing?
- We're going to have to go now, Dean. - Sure. No problem.
Our thoughts are with you, Glynn. Doesn't look good.
Out of respect, I have chosen not to continue our reading of my script.
We did perform together way back on my old show Deano's After Dark.
Glynn was a regular visitor after the cancellation of Galactacops.
He was trying to salvage his singing career, so, at his behest, we sang a duet together.
This is for you, Glynn.
Hold on a minute. Where's Glynn?
I've no idea.
I wonder where he could be. I'll take a look.
Glynn, where have you been?
The party started ages ago and the girls are about to strip. Join in the fun.
No, Dean. I don't feel like it.
I want to look out this window for a while.
But why look out the window? I can offer you far more attractive sights.
Be a sport.
I don't know, Dean. It's just not me.
I've always felt different from you guys.
Maybe that's why I love stars so much. They don't judge.
There's a lot of places you can go looking out a window.
Just wanderin', and wanderin'.
I knew a little boy
The saddest kid in town
He used to have a mom and dad
One burned and then one drowned
He'd play with little robot toys
Spacemen were his thing
And when his uncle came at night
He'd look outside and sing
I'm wanderin' and wanderin'
Across a field of stars
My bedroom, since my parents died
Has felt like prison bars...
Across the gulfs of space and time
And Saturn's magic rings...
There's space dust, rockets
Shooting stars
And no more horrid things
I'm wanderin'
He's wanderin"
Just wanderin"
We're wanderin'.
If you change your mind, come through.
There's rubbers in that drawer.
You're gonna make it through.
Keep focused. You've gotta want it.
Come on. You've gotta want it, Glynn.
- Looks really bad. - Yeah. That's his last interview.
You can see it in the eyes. It's gone. The fight's not there.
- Good show? - Yeah. Wasn't too bad, actually.