'Live from his penthouse apartment in London's glittering East End,
"Dean Learner, entrepreneur and publisher of high-class gentlemen's magazines,
'invites you to join him for an exclusive Man to Man.'
'Please welcome Mr Dean Learner!'
Thank you. Good evening, and welcome to Man to Man.
My name is Dean Learner, and I hope we all learn something tonight.
There's no pressure to laugh. It's just meant to be dry.
I say "learn" because we're about to spend the evening with a genius.
My special guest is pretty bright, tool
Only joking. We're both geniuses.
This eve's VIP visitor is a world renowned psychic.
He's been my spiritual guru for the past 20 years.
Before I met him, I thought that astral projection was diarrhoea.
So you can picture the embarrassing scene when he first asked me to attempt it.
But, since that unfortunate afternoon,
he has led me to new heights of positivity and kindness.
I increased my already considerable charitable endeavours.
I recently gave a terminally-ill child a karaoke kit worth over £200.
Even though, under the circumstances,
I might have been justified in simply lending it to him.
He is one of the most positive, generous-spirited men I know,
and I'm truly privileged to call him my friend.
Please welcome the extraordinary Amir Chanan.
- Hello, Dean. How are you? - I'm good...
Don't answer me yet!
I would like to psychically energise your audience and all the people at home
so that they stay focused, stay positive, and more importantly, and stay to the end.
- I second that. - OK, which camera are we on?
I will sense it psychically.
That one. No, hold on. Um...
That one. No. Hold on.
That one. Good.
Stay there. OK, come closer.
Is my face filling the screen?
- Yes. - Good. Keep it there.
Hello, Britain.
My name is Amir Chanan, master of the psychic arts.
We're going to explore the inner cosmos of our minds.
I'll show you things you never knew about yourselves.
I will wrap you up in the cotton wool of my mind, wipe away the dirty bits
and touch you all over with my positive energy.
What you'll see will amaze you beyond your wildest dreams.
Picture your wildest dream. It's pretty wild, yes?
Take the wildest dream you have ever had, add it to the wildest night out
and the wildest animal you have seen in a zoo.
Dress them all up in the wildest clothes you have ever spent a wild amount of money on,
then drop them in a bin marked "tame", because they are nothing
compared to the amazing wildness
of the amazing wild thing you are about to see.
On this show, you will witness telekinetic extrasensory perceptive
telepathic energisive psychokinesis, or key bending.
Now, Dean and I are going to have a chat.
We need you to send us your positive energies.
Say with me. "I will keep watching.
"Even if I've never made it through a whole Man to Man,
"I will keep watching!" Good. Great.
- Over to you, Dean. - Thank you very much.
Amir has recorded more messages which we'll play throughout the show
as the pace and interest inevitably slackens.
Be positive.
I am. Most people will not make it to the end of the show.
That's just a statistical fact.
You know what? Fuck 'em!
Keep going!
When did you first realise you could bend keys?
I was six years old, lying in my bed.
I was ill. Suddenly, I heard a knocking from the window.
I was terrified. I went over to the window, pulled back the curtain
and I saw a huge finger pointing at me from outside.
After a moment or two, it spoke to me. "Fear not, Amir.
"Am the finger of Orion. I bring tidings from the hand of Rastaban.
"I have travelled through space and time to touch you.
"I touched the caveman and he knew fire.
"I touched Newton and he knew gravity.
"Now, I touch you and you will know how to bend keys
"by rubbing them lightly between thumb and forefinger.
"Yale, deadlocks, luggage keys. All will be yours for the bending.
"This is a mighty power, Amir. You must wield it responsibly."
It's quite a specific power to have been granted, just keys.
Yes. Maybe if it had been another finger or a cosmic thumb,
or the whole hand, which happened to Billy Joel when he wrote Uptown Girl,
I'd have been able to move mountains or turn the seas red with blood.
Bending keys is a power that I am comfortable with.
And it's nothing that can't be taken care of by a good locksmith.
You also manage to tap into the psychic potential of others.
That's right. >
We all have psychic potential. I love opening up people's channels.
We've got a clip of you doing just that on my old show, Deano's After Dark.
Ah, yes.
A brief caveat. It was recorded many moons ago.
Attitudes have changed.
Hello. I didn't see you there.
Welcome to the party.
I was distracted by the amazing psychic skills of Mr Amir Chanan.
Take it away, Amir.
Thank you. Hi, I am Amir Chanan.
- I am joined here with... - Kerry.
That is a wonderful name.
I'm reading your mind and my answer is...
I'm busy tonight and I don't pack that kind of equipment!
Join in, love.
Kerry, I want you to look, for a moment, into my eyes.
Look into Amir's big beautiful eyes and know that I am here for you.
It is just you, me and your mind.
I am going to penetrate your mind in a good way.
It is a little-known fact that human beings use only 10% of their minds.
Tonight, I am going to help Kerry use 11%.
That's 11% more than usual!
- Dean! - She knows she's not bright!
I want you to focus on one part of my body.
Aye, aye, here we go!
Dean, don't be dirty!
I'm playful! Am I dirty'?
Don't answer!
Have you got that part of my body in your mind?
Raise that part of my body, move it using your own latent psychic abilities.
Here we go. I'm going to focus and push everything down.
Raise.
Raise!
Raise. I can feel a little tingling. Something is happening.
- I don't know if you can see. - Oh, my God!
My hand is raising towards the ceiling. I'm trying to keep it low.
This is powerful psychic strength. Give her a round of applause.
- It's unbelievable. - That is incredible.
Well done. That's amazing! Well done, love.
Sit down, Kerry. Rest your mind. That was a hell of a workout.
After that historic appearance, we became firm friends.
You were a regular at Dean Towers. I took you on as my psychic adviser.
You were always bang on the money.
I mean, when I wanted to fuse a carvery with a disco,
to create the bistrotheque...
...you said it wouldn't work.
And you were right. People generally don't want a pre-lunch lap dance.
You gave me a lot of confidence.
The confidence to launch my own aftershave range, Midnight Spray,
one of the more acrid scents on the market.
I like an aftershave with a bit of bite.
It was a real love or hate it smell.
You gave me the confidence to learn how to read.
Up until that point, I was the only publisher who couldn't read.
Which wasn't the hindrance you'd imagine.
It actually ls best to judge a book by its cover.
You didn't need to convince me of your abilities. Others doubted you.
When you are a good psychic, you run a successful nudey bar,
unfortunately, people are always knocking you.
There will always be knockers.
Ironically, it's the knockers I get the flack for.
If you are successful, you are controversial.
That's what happened to you.
- You were punished for your genius. - That's right.
Not long after that show went out, I was abducted.
I was taken to a secret government laboratory and I was tested.
I was humiliated. Every kind of implement known to Man found a home in my ass.
Each week, I had to give fresh ass samples.
And not one record or document about my ass has been made available to the public.
Ask your MP about what happened with Amir's ass and he'll look the other way.
Those cowardly bastards came in the night, scraped me senseless and left like ninjas!
And for what? What can you tell from an ass sample, anyway?
Fibre intake?
Having my ass dismantled in such a fashion made me a stronger person.
That's what your new DVD is about, taking time out to love yourself.
It's called Bath Buddies With Amir Chanan,
it's about helping people to relax, no matter how depressed they are.
Well, let's take a dip with this clip.
Hello, I am Amir Chanan.
Thank you for joining me in my bath.
Bath time is often somewhere we go to hide away from the world.
How many times have you run a bath and thought, "Will this be my last?"
Today, let Amir be your bath buddy
and I will teach you to love bath time again.
Mm. Breathe in those happy smells.
Feel the softness of the bubbles on your skin.
It's good, yes?
Now, take your trunks off.
Hey, come on. Take them off.
I need all your channels open.
There. Mine are off, too.
There is nothing to be ashamed of.
You have a beautiful body.
No, don't cry.
You do.
See how the bubbles make all your skin warm, wet and shiny?
Look how your flesh swishes and swirls like moonlit coral.
You are beautiful.
No, really. You are.
You are.
Well, he's lying. You are.
Close your eyes.
I'm going to touch you with my mind.
Feel my psychic energy soaking your unhappy body,
soaping all that misery away.
You feel light as a feather.
You are floating.
Feel my fingers darting all over your body like little fishes.
Now, slowly,
very slowly, bring your hands down in front of your body.
Lower.
Lower...
That's good.
Even lower.
After this break, Amir is going to take any psychic queries you have.
Calls are only £1 a minute.
Proceeds go to the Dean Learner Dare To Dream foundation for aging glamour models.
Stay right where you are, unless you're currently in peril.
Welcome back to Man to Man.
Don't go away!
I'm joined by psychic Amir Chanan.
We've been inundated with calls throughout the break
asking for Amir's super-sensory counsel.
So let's rollick through. Satu, can you connect our first caller?
We have Sandra from Ipswich.
I don't care what dead-end town she lives in.
Sweetheart, you're through to Amir.
'Hello, Amir.'
Sandra, what is your question?
'I was wondering who was the most famous person you've ever advised.'
Ooh. I think it would be Margaret Thatcher.
She was such a good listener. Whatever I said, she took on board.
Although, I have to say I made a mistake with the Falklands thing.
I thought they were in the Channel, where they made Bergerac,
which is why I said, "Defend them with all we've got."
Who have we got next?
Line two. The caller's name is Susan.
Hello, Susan. What's your question?
'I'm 38 stone and I can't leave the house.'
That's more of a statement than a question, love.
Next.
No, no, no.
I want to take this. This sounds like a very sad story.
It's hardly a story. She's given us a unit of measurement.
Admittedly, it's a large unit, but it doesn't make a tale.
I know a lot about this because when I was younger
I was imprisoned for comfort feeding small animals to death.
Because I know for a fact that when someone is unhappy, they will tend to over eat.
Which ironically means no-one will love you. Can we get Amir's video up?
Does that answer your question?
'Not really. I want to know what I can do to lose weight.'
Nothing, I wouldn't have thought. You're too far gone.
Stay on the line, love. I can recommend a good builder who could widen your doors.
If not, he's got access to a crane. Who's next?
Next caller. Mark from Leeds.
Hi, Mark.
'Hi, Amir. Do you believe in God?'
Ooh. That is a tough question.
'Yeah.'
Knowing all I know and having learned all that I have learned, it is all nonsense.
There is no God, no afterlife.
We are all just organisms controlled by a cosmic salamander
who's planted metallic water boatmen in our brains to spy on our minds.
You heard it here first.
What I believe in, Mark, is karma. I'll give you an example.
I once had a special lady friend who was giving me gyp.
She wouldn't sign a prenup,
she wanted me to be faithful and was having an affair with Gary Bushell.
I don't know what upset me more, her infidelity or her lack of taste.
Not long after I discovered that, she was gunned down outside her flat.
The culprits were never found. I moved on. I had to.
I couldn't help think that there was some kind of cosmic justice at work.
So just bare that in mind, Satu.
What goes around comes around.
Dean, I've had just about enough. You have been in a bad mood all evening.
I'm going to get you, Satu and me in a bath after this show.
You know what, Dean? You know what I'm going to do to make you happy?
- I am going to bend a key. - Sweet.
Now, I need a neutral key. Satu, do you have a key?
I have this.
Give Satu a round of applause.
Thank you, Satu. Stand here.
Can I just have a little bit of quiet, please, from the ladies and gentlemen at home and here?
Bend.
Bend for Amir.
Amir wants you to bend, so why don't you?
Bend, you fucking...
Hmm.
Um...
Well, it has not worked,
as you can see.
I have a suspicion, Satu, that you, in front of all these people,
have brought me a key made of wood. Do you deny this?
I am all over your mind.
Are you in the pay of Dr Eric Vettegen of the Bremen Institute of Plasma Physics?
Dr Eric Vettegen of the Bremen Institute of Plasma Physics is my psychic nemesis.
He thinks it ha-ha big joke to send honey traps in an effort to debunk me.
How much can a man take?
Dean, I have been called a liar, a trickster, a viper of the mind.
I have been called the bastard son of a big fibbing bitch.
At school, they called me dick splash. I don't even know what dick splash means.
I have had enough. You, Satu and this whole show are assholes.
Keep positive!
You're an asshole, you're an asshole and you are an asshole, too.
At home, you are all assholes.
Everyone in this country, you are all assholes.
You are all assholes. You are. You're an asshole.
Are we still on for our bath?
Yes, we're still on for a bath. >
Well, all that remains for me to do is to thank my guest, Amir Chanan...
Assholes! >
There he was.
.For talking to me, Man to Man, and to thank you for watching.
Thank you very much.
We'll play out with this final goodwill message from Amir.
I'm sorry, Dean. >
It doesn't fix the show, though.
Drink From My River by Amir Chanan.
The sun is so yellow The sky is so blue
The trees are so green But what colour are you?
It does not matter What colour you are
Just drink from my river And you will go far
Oh, you will go far
Just drink from my river and you will go far
Oh, you will go far
Come see the colour of my shooting star
Oh, you will go far
Just drink from my river
And you will go a long way out of your lounge, out of your house
Down the road On a bus to another cosmos and back
e.g. miles and miles and miles i.e. far!
Thank you very much, God bless. I 'am Amir Chanan.
And you are wonderful.