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'Live from his penthouse apartment
in London's glittering East End,

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"Dean Learner, entrepreneur and publisher
of high-class gentlemen's magazines,

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'invites you to join him
for an exclusive Man to Man.'

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'Please welcome Mr Dean Learner!'

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Thank you. Good evening,
and welcome to Man to Man.

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My name is Dean Learner, and I hope
we all learn something tonight.

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There's no pressure to laugh.
It's just meant to be dry.

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I say "learn" because we're about
to spend the evening with a genius.

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My special guest
is pretty bright, tool

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Only joking. We're both geniuses.

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This eve's VIP visitor
is a world renowned psychic.

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He's been my spiritual guru
for the past 20 years.

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Before I met him, I thought that
astral projection was diarrhoea.

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So you can picture the embarrassing scene
when he first asked me to attempt it.

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But, since that unfortunate afternoon,

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he has led me to new heights
of positivity and kindness.

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I increased my already considerable
charitable endeavours.

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I recently gave a terminally-ill child
a karaoke kit worth over £200.

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Even though, under the circumstances,

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I might have been justified in
simply lending it to him.

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He is one of the most positive,
generous-spirited men I know,

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and I'm truly privileged
to call him my friend.

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Please welcome
the extraordinary Amir Chanan.

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- Hello, Dean. How are you?
- I'm good...

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Don't answer me yet!

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I would like to psychically energise
your audience and all the people at home

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so that they stay focused, stay positive,
and more importantly, and stay to the end.

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- I second that.
- OK, which camera are we on?

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I will sense it psychically.

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That one. No, hold on. Um...

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That one. No. Hold on.

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That one. Good.

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Stay there. OK, come closer.

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Is my face filling the screen?

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- Yes.
- Good. Keep it there.

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Hello, Britain.

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My name is Amir Chanan,
master of the psychic arts.

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We're going to explore
the inner cosmos of our minds.

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I'll show you things
you never knew about yourselves.

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I will wrap you up in the cotton wool
of my mind, wipe away the dirty bits

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and touch you all over
with my positive energy.

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What you'll see will amaze you
beyond your wildest dreams.

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Picture your wildest dream.
It's pretty wild, yes?

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Take the wildest dream you have ever had,
add it to the wildest night out

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and the wildest animal
you have seen in a zoo.

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Dress them all up in the wildest clothes you
have ever spent a wild amount of money on,

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then drop them in a bin marked "tame",
because they are nothing

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compared to the amazing wildness

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of the amazing wild thing
you are about to see.

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On this show, you will witness
telekinetic extrasensory perceptive

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telepathic energisive psychokinesis,
or key bending.

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Now, Dean and I are going to have a chat.

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We need you to send us
your positive energies.

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Say with me. "I will keep watching.

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"Even if I've never made it through
a whole Man to Man,

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"I will keep watching!" Good. Great.

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- Over to you, Dean.
- Thank you very much.

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Amir has recorded more messages
which we'll play throughout the show

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as the pace and interest inevitably slackens.

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Be positive.

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I am. Most people will not make it
to the end of the show.

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That's just a statistical fact.

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You know what? Fuck 'em!

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Keep going!

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When did you first realise
you could bend keys?

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I was six years old, lying in my bed.

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I was ill. Suddenly,
I heard a knocking from the window.

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I was terrified. I went over to the window,
pulled back the curtain

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and I saw a huge finger
pointing at me from outside.

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After a moment or two,
it spoke to me. "Fear not, Amir.

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"Am the finger of Orion. I bring tidings
from the hand of Rastaban.

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"I have travelled through space
and time to touch you.

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"I touched the caveman and he knew fire.

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"I touched Newton and he knew gravity.

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"Now, I touch you and you will know
how to bend keys

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"by rubbing them lightly
between thumb and forefinger.

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"Yale, deadlocks, luggage keys.
All will be yours for the bending.

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"This is a mighty power, Amir.
You must wield it responsibly."

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It's quite a specific power
to have been granted, just keys.

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Yes. Maybe if it had been
another finger or a cosmic thumb,

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or the whole hand, which happened to
Billy Joel when he wrote Uptown Girl,

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I'd have been able to move mountains
or turn the seas red with blood.

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Bending keys is a power
that I am comfortable with.

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And it's nothing that can't be taken care of
by a good locksmith.

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You also manage to tap into
the psychic potential of others.

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That's right. >

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We all have psychic potential.
I love opening up people's channels.

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We've got a clip of you doing just that
on my old show, Deano's After Dark.

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Ah, yes.

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A brief caveat.
It was recorded many moons ago.

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Attitudes have changed.

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Hello. I didn't see you there.

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Welcome to the party.

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I was distracted by the amazing
psychic skills of Mr Amir Chanan.

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Take it away, Amir.

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Thank you. Hi, I am Amir Chanan.

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- I am joined here with...
- Kerry.

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That is a wonderful name.

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I'm reading your mind and my answer is...

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I'm busy tonight and I don't pack
that kind of equipment!

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Join in, love.

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Kerry, I want you to look,
for a moment, into my eyes.

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Look into Amir's big beautiful eyes
and know that I am here for you.

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It is just you, me and your mind.

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I am going to penetrate your mind
in a good way.

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It is a little-known fact that human beings
use only 10% of their minds.

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Tonight, I am going to help Kerry use 11%.

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That's 11% more than usual!

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- Dean!
- She knows she's not bright!

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I want you to focus on one part of my body.

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<i>Aye, aye, here we go!</i>

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Dean, don't be dirty!

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I'm playful! Am I dirty'?

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Don't answer!

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Have you got that part of my body
in your mind?

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Raise that part of my body, move it
using your own latent psychic abilities.

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Here we go. I'm going to focus
and push everything down.

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Raise.

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Raise!

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Raise. I can feel a little tingling.
Something is happening.

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- I don't know if you can see.
- Oh, my God!

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My hand is raising towards the ceiling.
I'm trying to keep it low.

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This is powerful psychic strength.
Give her a round of applause.

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- It's unbelievable.
- That is incredible.

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Well done.
That's amazing! Well done, love.

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Sit down, Kerry. Rest your mind.
That was a hell of a workout.

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After that historic appearance,
we became firm friends.

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You were a regular at Dean Towers.
I took you on as my psychic adviser.

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You were always bang on the money.

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I mean, when I wanted to fuse
a carvery with a disco,

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to create the bistrotheque...

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...you said it wouldn't work.

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And you were right. People generally
don't want a pre-lunch lap dance.

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You gave me a lot of confidence.

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The confidence to launch my own
aftershave range, Midnight Spray,

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one of the more acrid scents on the market.

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I like an aftershave with a bit of bite.

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It was a real love or hate it smell.

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You gave me the confidence to
learn how to read.

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Up until that point, I was the only
publisher who couldn't read.

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Which wasn't the hindrance you'd imagine.

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It actually ls best to judge a book by its cover.

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You didn't need to convince me
of your abilities. Others doubted you.

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When you are a good psychic,
you run a successful nudey bar,

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unfortunately,
people are always knocking you.

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There will always be knockers.

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Ironically, it's the knockers I get the flack for.

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If you are successful, you are controversial.

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That's what happened to you.

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- You were punished for your genius.
- That's right.

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Not long after that show went out,
I was abducted.

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I was taken to a secret government
laboratory and I was tested.

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I was humiliated. Every kind of implement
known to Man found a home in my ass.

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Each week, I had to give fresh ass samples.

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And not one record or document about my ass
has been made available to the public.

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Ask your MP about what happened
with Amir's ass and he'll look the other way.

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Those cowardly bastards came in the night,
scraped me senseless and left like ninjas!

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And for what? What can you tell
from an ass sample, anyway?

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Fibre intake?

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Having my ass dismantled in such a fashion
made me a stronger person.

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That's what your new DVD is about,
taking time out to love yourself.

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It's called Bath Buddies With Amir Chanan,

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it's about helping people to relax,
no matter how depressed they are.

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Well, let's take a dip with this clip.

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Hello, I am Amir Chanan.

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Thank you for joining me in my bath.

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Bath time is often somewhere we go
to hide away from the world.

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How many times have you run a bath
and thought, "Will this be my last?"

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Today, let Amir be your bath buddy

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and I will teach you to love bath time again.

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Mm. Breathe in those happy smells.

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Feel the softness of the bubbles on your skin.

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It's good, yes?

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Now, take your trunks off.

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Hey, come on. Take them off.

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I need all your channels open.

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There. Mine are off, too.

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There is nothing to be ashamed of.

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You have a beautiful body.

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No, don't cry.

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You do.

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See how the bubbles make
all your skin warm, wet and shiny?

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00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:53,357
Look how your flesh swishes
and swirls like moonlit coral.

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You are beautiful.

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No, really. You are.

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You are.

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00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,237
Well, he's lying. You are.

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00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,717
Close your eyes.

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00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:11,555
I'm going to touch you with my mind.

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00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:15,918
Feel my psychic energy
soaking your unhappy body,

191
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,914
soaping all that misery away.

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You feel light as a feather.

193
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,874
You are floating.

194
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:31,911
Feel my fingers darting
all over your body like little fishes.

195
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,356
Now, slowly,

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00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:41,118
very slowly, bring your hands down
in front of your body.

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00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,952
Lower.

198
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,951
Lower...

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00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:46,997
That's good.

200
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,630
Even lower.

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00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:06,075
After this break, Amir is going to take
any psychic queries you have.

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00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,470
Calls are only £1 a minute.

203
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:13,316
Proceeds go to the Dean Learner Dare To
Dream foundation for aging glamour models.

204
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,957
Stay right where you are,
unless you're currently in peril.

205
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,394
Welcome back to Man to Man.

206
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:28,834
Don't go away!

207
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,560
I'm joined by psychic Amir Chanan.

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00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,315
We've been inundated with calls
throughout the break

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00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,755
asking for Amir's super-sensory counsel.

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00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:42,437
So let's rollick through.
Satu, can you connect our first caller?

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00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,636
We have Sandra from Ipswich.

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00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:49,112
I don't care what dead-end town she lives in.

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00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,999
Sweetheart, you're through to Amir.

214
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:53,036
'Hello, Amir.'

215
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,396
Sandra, what is your question?

216
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:59,360
'I was wondering who was the most famous
person you've ever advised.'

217
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:03,559
Ooh. I think it would be
Margaret Thatcher.

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00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:08,191
She was such a good listener.
Whatever I said, she took on board.

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00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:13,036
Although, I have to say I made
a mistake with the Falklands thing.

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00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:18,149
I thought they were in the Channel,
where they made Bergerac,

221
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:22,029
which is why I said,
"Defend them with all we've got."

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00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:23,554
Who have we got next?

223
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,359
Line two. The caller's name is Susan.

224
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,238
Hello, Susan. What's your question?

225
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,393
'I'm 38 stone
and I can't leave the house.'

226
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:36,553
That's more of a statement
than a question, love.

227
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:39,549
Next.

228
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:40,596
No, no, no.

229
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:47,033
I want to take this.
This sounds like a very sad story.

230
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:51,751
It's hardly a story.
She's given us a unit of measurement.

231
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:56,789
Admittedly, it's a large unit,
but it doesn't make a tale.

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00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,669
I know a lot about this
because when I was younger

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00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:05,231
I was imprisoned for comfort feeding
small animals to death.

234
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:11,874
Because I know for a fact that when someone
is unhappy, they will tend to over eat.

235
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:17,876
Which ironically means no-one will love you.
Can we get Amir's video up?

236
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,149
Does that answer your question?

237
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,552
'Not really. I want to know
what I can do to lose weight.'

238
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:34,520
Nothing, I wouldn't have thought.
You're too far gone.

239
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:41,199
Stay on the line, love. I can recommend
a good builder who could widen your doors.

240
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:45,274
If not, he's got access to a crane.
Who's next?

241
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,317
Next caller. Mark from Leeds.

242
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,629
Hi, Mark.

243
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,951
'Hi, Amir. Do you believe in God?'

244
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,919
Ooh. That is a tough question.

245
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,149
'Yeah.'

246
00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:02,919
Knowing all I know and having learned
all that I have learned, it is all nonsense.

247
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,276
There is no God, no afterlife.

248
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:09,672
We are all just organisms
controlled by a cosmic salamander

249
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:14,675
who's planted metallic water boatmen
in our brains to spy on our minds.

250
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,878
You heard it here first.

251
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:22,636
What I believe in, Mark, is karma.
I'll give you an example.

252
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:26,839
I once had a special lady friend
who was giving me gyp.

253
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:28,877
She wouldn't sign a prenup,

254
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:35,070
she wanted me to be faithful
and was having an affair with Gary Bushell.

255
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:40,439
I don't know what upset me more,
her infidelity or her lack of taste.

256
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:46,198
Not long after I discovered that,
she was gunned down outside her flat.

257
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:50,672
The culprits were never found.
I moved on. I had to.

258
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:56,438
I couldn't help think that there was
some kind of cosmic justice at work.

259
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,672
So just bare that in mind, Satu.

260
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,354
What goes around comes around.

261
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:08,709
Dean, I've had just about enough.
You have been in a bad mood all evening.

262
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,112
I'm going to get you, Satu and me
in a bath after this show.

263
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:19,116
You know what, Dean? You know what
I'm going to do to make you happy?

264
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,750
- I am going to bend a key.
- Sweet.

265
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:27,391
Now, I need a neutral key.
Satu, do you have a key?

266
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:28,595
I have this.

267
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,910
Give Satu a round of applause.

268
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,032
Thank you, Satu. Stand here.

269
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:41,759
Can I just have a little bit of quiet, please, from
the ladies and gentlemen at home and here?

270
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,752
Bend.

271
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,315
Bend.

272
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,392
Bend.

273
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,311
Bend for Amir.

274
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,872
Amir wants you to bend, so why don't you?

275
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,157
Bend, you fucking...

276
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,194
Hmm.

277
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,237
Um...

278
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,755
Well, it has not worked,

279
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,070
as you can see.

280
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:31,394
I have a suspicion, Satu,
that you, in front of all these people,

281
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,394
have brought me a key made of wood.
Do you deny this?

282
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,596
I am all over your mind.

283
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:42,754
Are you in the pay of Dr Eric Vettegen
of the Bremen Institute of Plasma Physics?

284
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:50,270
Dr Eric Vettegen of the Bremen Institute
of Plasma Physics is my psychic nemesis.

285
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:56,276
He thinks it ha-ha big joke to send
honey traps in an effort to debunk me.

286
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,476
How much can a man take?

287
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:04,112
Dean, I have been called a liar,
a trickster, a viper of the mind.

288
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:08,910
I have been called the bastard son
of a big fibbing bitch.

289
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:14,757
At school, they called me dick splash.
I don't even know what dick splash means.

290
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:19,676
I have had enough. You, Satu
and this whole show are assholes.

291
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,154
Keep positive!

292
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:26,360
You're an asshole, you're an asshole
and you are an asshole, too.

293
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,750
At home, you are all assholes.

294
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,196
Everyone in this country,
you are all assholes.

295
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:36,274
You are all assholes. You are.
You're an asshole.

296
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,079
Are we still on for our bath?

297
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,595
Yes, we're still on for a bath. >

298
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:56,799
Well, all that remains for me to do
is to thank my guest, Amir Chanan...

299
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,951
Assholes! >

300
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,872
There he was.

301
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,918
.For talking to me, Man to Man,
and to thank you for watching.

302
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,911
Thank you very much.

303
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,630
We'll play out with this final
goodwill message from Amir.

304
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:10,915
I'm sorry, Dean. >

305
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,957
It doesn't fix the show, though.

306
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,353
Drink From My River by Amir Chanan.

307
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:24,109
The sun is so yellow
The sky is so blue

308
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:28,239
The trees are so green
But what colour are you?

309
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,039
It does not matter
What colour you are

310
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:34,670
Just drink from my river
And you will go far

311
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:36,558
Oh, you will go far

312
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,517
Oh, you will go far

313
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,753
Just drink from my river
and you will go far

314
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,517
Oh, you will go far

315
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:48,069
Oh, you will go far

316
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,232
Come see the colour
of my shooting star

317
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,470
Oh, you will go far

318
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,918
Oh, you will go far
Just drink from my river

319
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:02,437
And you will go a long way out
of your lounge, out of your house

320
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,434
Down the road
On a bus to another cosmos and back

321
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:11,390
e.g. miles and miles and miles
i.e. far!

322
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:15,360
Thank you very much, God bless.
I 'am Amir Chanan.

323
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,398
And you are wonderful.