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Good evening and welcome to
Man to Man with Dean Learner.

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As you can see, the bar is closed,

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I've sent Satu,
my primary partner, home.

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Because tonight is a sad occasion,
my would-be guest this evening,

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Randolph Caer, the celebrated
British character actor,

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who starred in films as diverse as Bitch Killer

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and That Duck 3: Duck In The City,

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sadly died yesterday morning.

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This show will be a celebration
of his life through the eyes

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of those who knew him best.

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A kind of This Is Your Death.

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Cheers, Randolph.

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I'm afraid the following title sequence,
under the circumstances,

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may appear inappropriately jaunty.

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'Live from his luxury penthouse apartment
in London's glittering East End,

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'Dean Learner, club owner,

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'entrepreneur and publisher
of high-class gentlemen's magazines

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'invites you to join him
for an exclusive Man to Man.'

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Thank you. Out of respect to Randolph,

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I'm cutting the monologue which would
usually precede our interview.

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However, there is one small bit of AOB
which I am obliged to mention.

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And that is that, for this month only,
if you dine at my restaurant

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Chez Deano's on any Tuesday

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before 4pm and order a minimum of
two starters, you will receive 30%

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off a lap dance at Deano's Nightclub
between the hours of 4am and 4.30am

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on any subsequent Wednesday
providing three or more magnums

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of house champagne were purchased
with that aforementioned meal.

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After a career-defining performance
as serial killer Sidney King

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in the film Bitch Killer,

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the actor Randolph Caer became something
of a recluse, rarely giving interviews,

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so it was a coup-and-a-half to have secured
his appearance on this show.

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His sudden death came as a huge shock to the
production team,

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especially as the statement of health form

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clearly said he had no long-term
degenerative illnesses.

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He had been paid well in advance for
his services.

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I won't be getting that back.

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Unless I sue his estate

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and my lawyers have informed me
that would probably cost me

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as much as I'm able to claw back
even though, legally, I have been misled.

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Anyway, that's business
and unimportant to me at present.

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Tonight, I wish simply to present
a petit l'histoire of this remarkable actor

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who can never shake off the stigma
of his most famous role.

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My name is Sidney King.
I hate a lot of things.

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Fruits. Coloureds.

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And, above all, women.

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Goodbye, Mother!

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Noooo!

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I just get these terrible headaches.

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'Bitch Killer.

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'The deadliest, nastiest, sexiest film
you'll see all year - coming soon.'

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God, that film makes me horny.

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Every time!

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And by the way, that was me in my
celebrated role as Rudy Ray Curtis,

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the Mile End Mack Daddy.

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But now to discuss
Randolph's role in that film,

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please welcome the author of the piece,

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Romford's one-man fear factory,
Mr Garth Marenghi.

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Can I just say it's a sad day for the genre.

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Randolph's flame burned brightly
for the briefest of whiles,

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and there ain't too many flames like that left.

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Thanks for coming at such short notice.

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- That's fine, here's my taxi receipt.
- Leave that with me.

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Incidentally, for those who are interested,
the DVD of Bitch

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hits the stores finally next month.

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It's actually not a bad time
for Randolph to go

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because it does at least give us
a decent press angle.

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And journos are less likely to stick
the boot in while he's still warm.

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It wasn't a film
that was kindly received, was it?

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Look, when I wrote the film, um,
I was very young, I was very angry,

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at that stage I hadn't actually met a woman.

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Since then, I've met several
and, y'know, they're not bad.

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But... the point is the critics hated it.
I think they missed the poetry of the piece.

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And I think they hated Randolph more, though.

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I mean, they really tore him apart.

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Ironically, no-one hated that film
more than Randolph.

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He tried to walk off the film.
But I remember saying to him,

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I warned him, I said,
"This business is a jungle

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"and if you start breaking contracts,
the lions will eat you

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"or shoot you in your bed
as you sleep."

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Anyway, let's have a look at what Randolph
had to say, post-Bitch.

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< You're odd looking, aren't you?

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Yes, I suppose I am.

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< And you always play these
horrible characters.

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It's not really by choice.

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Um, as I say, that particular film
is not one I'm personally proud of.

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< Well you oughtn't be, it's horrible.

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I know.
And I very much regret making it.

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< Well, you did make it.

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There aren't many parts
around for someone

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who looks like me, shall we say.

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< It's a horrible film.

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I know.

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< You're horrible in it,

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< and I find it horrible looking
at you right now.

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I wish I hadn't made it.

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< Who is the real Randolph Caer?

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< Someone who flashes at women
who he has no hope of wooing?

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No, I've never done that.

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< But you have been tempted?

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No.

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< You talk like a flasher.

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< You're bald and unkempt,
it looks like you soiled your trousers.

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I'm actually very happily married.

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< But for how long?
Randolph Caer, thank you very much.

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I mean, it's so hard to believe
that in that interview,

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Randolph was just 22 years old of age.

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And as you can see from that,
he was sullen, bad-tempered, self-pitying,

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difficult and, above all, disloyal.

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I have to say I hated him.

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I'm probably the wrong person to be up here
singing his praises, actually.

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He was a fine actor,
I can say that much.

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Well, I'm sure he'd appreciate that compliment.
Garth Marenghi, thank you very much.

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Thank you.

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Randolph found it increasingly hard
to find the roles he wanted.

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Desperate for money, he agreed
to star in the bawdy comedy romp

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about a short-sighted vicar and
his busty church organist called...

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Test screenings, however, did not go well
and the decision was made

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to hire body doubles

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and insert several scenes of
hardcore penetrative sex.

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As executive producer of that film,
it's a move I bitterly regret,

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but my duty was with the public
and not with Randolph or his family.

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The subsequent
break-up of his marriage

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was something I hoped to
discuss with him tonight.

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I was hoping I could make him
break down a bit,

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showing he had a human side, but,
alas and alack, he ain't coming back.

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With his ungodly looks,

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he understandably began to receive
regular beatings on the street.

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Beatings that I regret watching.

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And, on occasion, cheering on.

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Indeed, Randolph's agent
would often be called out

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in the middle of the night
to retrieve him from skips.

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One man who knew him very well during
the skip years was the actor Glynn Nimron.

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Glynn is currently recuperating
in a Hawaiian hospital

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having been set on fire
during a previous episode of this show.

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And earlier today, we managed
to link him up via satellite.

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Can you hear me, Glynn Nimron?

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Hello, Dean, yes I can hear you.

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And I've just heard the tragic news
and can I say sincerely how sad I am.

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He was like a flame in the night
burning brightly

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and there aren't too many flames like that left!

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What were your memories...

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I have many memories of Randolph... Sorry.

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Sorry, what were your
memories of Randolph...

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I have many memories of... Sorry...

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Sorry, I think there's a time delay...

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I think there's a delay here...

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Yeah, I know that,
I was trying to say...

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You probably figured that out... Yes.

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- Wait until you hear my next question.
- I'll just wait until...

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Sorry, Dean, I didn't catch that.

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Wait... until... you hear... my next... question!

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Sure, OK.

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What were your memories of Randolph?

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Yes, I have many wonderful
memories of Randolph.

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What are they?

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Well, the last time I worked
with him was on a very, very funny comedy film

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called That Duck 5: Duck In The Hood.

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Was that the one
with the Rastafarian duck?

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He was a funny duck. "Quack! Quack!
Yeh, mon", paddling about. Oh, he was good.

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Yes.

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Yes. Yes, that was the one,
but you know what, Dean,

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Randolph did not like the script.

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- Right...
- So I'm afraid to say on that particular project,

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I had him fired!

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All right, well, we'll call it a day there, Glynn.

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- Unless we can...
- Yep. Call it a day.

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- Sorry?
- Thank you.

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Thank you, Dean.

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Glynn Nimron there.

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Unemployable, divorced
and growing uglier by the day,

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Randolph made a final bid for respectability

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in the made-for-television movie,
Brosroads: The Story Of Bros.

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Two brothers joined
in love and hate, in which he played

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the duelling siblings' irate father.

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What?!

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You ungrateful louts!

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I've washed you, clothed you,

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put a roof over your heads,
bought you that pair of drumsticks,

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bought you that microphone,
and what do I get in return?

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Don't you dare disrespect me!

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You two owe me everything!

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- I owe you nothing, yeah?
- Nothing at all!

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The film received terrible reviews
despite being, in my view,

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the best work of Randolph's career.
Worse was to come, though.

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The next ten years would prove
a painful story of loneliness,

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heartbreak and alienation.
Join us after the break!

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Welcome back to Man to Man
With Dean Learner.

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We're talking tonight about,
not with, the actor Randolph Caer,

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who died yesterday morning at home
on his Jack Jones.

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One man who knew this now dead actor

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was former Formula Five
world champion Steve Pieing,

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who has very kindly agreed to join me
on the horn.

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00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,955
Can you hear me, Steve Pieing?

194
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:32,829
'Hello, Dean. Yes, I can hear you.

195
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:35,594
'Can I just say it's terrible news
about Randolph

196
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'and that on the great race track of life,
no-one left a bigger skid mark.'

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You and Randolph were
next-door neighbours for a few years,

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00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:45,756
weren't you?

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00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,720
'That's right, Dean, but for a shot in,
he was a noisy old so-and-so.'

200
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,552
So you didn't get on.

201
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,837
'I'm not saying we didn't get on,
I'm not saying we did get on.

202
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:58,311
'What I am saying is my wife Marie
is a very light sleeper,

203
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'so the sound of Randolph's sobbing
self-pity coming through the walls

204
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:05,118
'at all hours of the early evening
was something I felt required actioning,

205
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,239
'because Marie and I were trying
for a baby and frankly,

206
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,358
'she was so tense
it was putting me off my stroke.

207
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,477
'I couldn't get a rhythm up at all, Dean.

208
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:17,279
I tried putting on a drum machine
through the midi hi-fi

209
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,557
'but Randolph's wailing
and endless self-recrimination meant

210
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,677
'more often than not, I couldn't complete.

211
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,433
'Not even...

212
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:27,478
'Not even on bossa nova.

213
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,599
'I said, "Marie, nothing's gonna come out
till that man goes."

214
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,832
"Marie hit on the idea of mental torture.

215
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,833
'I said, "OK, I'll give it a go."

216
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,799
'After two years,
he finally broke down and moved,

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00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,917
'which was a relief for all concerned.

218
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'But...

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'then a Bulgarian family moved in

220
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'and it was bloody accordion playing
all night.

221
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,278
'I said, "You've got to be joking me!

222
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,239
"I can't get up a stroke
with this kind of Balkan rhythm

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00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:54,355
going on all night."

224
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,796
All right, Steve.
We've got to go. OK.

225
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,234
'OK, Dean, thank you.

226
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,357
"And can I say you're doing
a wonderful job with the tribute.

227
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:05,070
'I wish you the best of luck
with the rest of it."

228
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,357
Thank you very much. No-one
has actually taken the time out to say that.

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00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:13,594
And it does take a lot of out of me,
shouldering this testimonial.

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00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:17,310
In many ways, it's harder for the people
who are left behind.

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00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,516
I just hope if Randolph
is watching from up there,

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he appreciates all of this hard work.

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00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,670
Randolph's work was
not appreciated, however...

234
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,070
You see, these links don't write themselves.

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00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,719
It's all dovetailed together.

236
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:34,794
Randolph's work was not appreciated
when he made a brief appearance

237
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,635
on the long-running children's
television show A Tale At Bedtime.

238
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,233
Let's see for why.

239
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:57,397
Hello. Today I'm going to tell you a story
which I wrote for my own little boy, Charlie.

240
00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:01,838
And Charlie, if you're watching,
I hope you enjoy it.

241
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,434
The House For Nobody.

242
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:10,152
Once upon a time, in the forest,
there lived a woodcutter called Randall,

243
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:15,952
who spent all of the days he had left
chopping wood from a large, old tree.

244
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,429
"Why do you keep chopping me?"

245
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:22,309
Asked the tree one day,
when it realised it was close to death.

246
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:27,634
Randall held his axe aloft
but for once, did not strike.

247
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:31,600
"I know you are building a house
for your family," the tree continued,

248
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,753
"but how can you expect them to live in it
when you don't know where they are?

249
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,629
"Those little beds for your children
are old and useless.

250
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,599
"You're building a house for nobody."

251
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,512
Randall sighed,

252
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:49,595
recalling that his family had indeed
left him many, many years ago.

253
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,469
"I'm the one friend you have left,"
said the tree.

254
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:57,440
"If you kill me, you will be completely alone."

255
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,194
Wiping a tear from his eye,

256
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:04,114
Randall put down his axe
and slumped to the floor.

257
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,238
He began to feel very tired.

258
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,629
Leaning back to rest against the tree,
he jumped up suddenly

259
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,791
at an almighty cracking sound,

260
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,679
which shook the depths of the forest.

261
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:23,790
Looking behind him,
his face grew long and sad.

262
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,679
The tree was dead after all.

263
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:34,312
Picking up his axe once more,
Randall began work on his house

264
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,834
for nobody.

265
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,109
By this stage, Randolph
was persona non gratis.

266
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,716
But one person who did stand by him
was celebrity psychic Amir Chanan,

267
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,393
who has very kindly rushed here,

268
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,438
straight from the set of
his workout video, to pay tribute.

269
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,956
So please welcome Amir Chanan.

270
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:08,796
Hello, Dean.

271
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,110
Hello, Amir. Why the balloons?

272
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,510
Because tonight, Dean, it's a celebration.

273
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,238
A celebration of greatness.

274
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:19,075
A great man, an OK actor and a great friend.

275
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,915
Whenever I met with Randolph,
I always took him some balloons.

276
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,354
He loved balloons.

277
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,636
And I think if more people
had given him balloons,

278
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:30,554
then maybe he'd still be here today,
holding my balloons.

279
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:34,031
Sure, but they are obscuring my close-up.
Can we get rid of them?

280
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,794
Stu, can we strike the balloonage?

281
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,872
Just go and distribute these amongst the poor.

282
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,713
- Actually, Amir, do you mind if I pop one?
- OK, just one.

283
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,035
Hey!

284
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,554
Sorry.

285
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,200
You know... >

286
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,396
When Randolph first came to me,
he was very depressed...

287
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,518
Hey, fun, isn't it? Sorry.

288
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,750
We were talking about depression.

289
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,117
A lot of people were saying
very horrible things about him

290
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,955
and I'm here tonight to show you
that he was a good man.

291
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,633
He was not a monster.

292
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,438
He was not a child catcher.

293
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:09,999
I tell you what I am going to do.

294
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:14,438
I'm going to prove this tonight
by speaking to him here and now.

295
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,955
Right. You do know he's dead, don't you?

296
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:21,716
Yes. But I'm going to talk to him
from beyond the grave.

297
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:25,350
OK, Randolph, the channel is open.

298
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,556
You can speak to us.

299
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,434
Now.

300
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:38,994
Randolph.

301
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,272
OK, screw you, Randolph.

302
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,397
Thanks a million, I don't think.

303
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,120
I have done so much for you
and this is how you treat me.

304
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,079
I have held your hand,
caressed you in the dark,

305
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,959
boosted your confidence,
solved your odour problems

306
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:59,034
by giving you my Amir's Hello Motivation,
Goodbye Perspiration mind kit

307
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:02,078
for the reduced price of £12.95

308
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:05,198
and in return, you make me look like
an ass handler on national TV.

309
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:09,239
So I retract all the good things
I've said about you.

310
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:13,598
You are bald, you are ugly,
and you do smell like a zoo animal.

311
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,398
Thanks very much, Amir.

312
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,073
Thank you, Dean.

313
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,312
Now, some years back I was asked to take
part

314
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,677
in a television documentary series
about successful businessmen

315
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,273
working in the entertainment industry.

316
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,718
And it is an industry. However,
to my chagrin, the journalist revealed herself

317
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,633
to be a rather pushy,
opinionated, documentarian

318
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:36,793
who took issue with my lifestyle and the sexual
freedoms I've enjoyed throughout my life,

319
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,793
and, indeed, continue to enjoy
on a thrice nightly basis.

320
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,839
The doc was very damaging
on a personal level.

321
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,833
And I wouldn't play it again
but for the fact that it contains

322
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,877
the last known footage of Randolph Caer.

323
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,952
But as you watch it, remember to ignore
the narrator's asinine comments,

324
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,475
because she obviously had her own agenda.

325
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,679
If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's people who sit in judgment over others.

326
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,235
"Today, Dean is organising
a celebrity fundraiser

327
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,357
'to promote awareness of sexual health.

328
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:08,674
"Dean is calling the event a Crab Ball
and holds a meeting to discuss his plans.'

329
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,273
Lovely.

330
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,000
This is the invite.

331
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,276
- Take one, pass it on.
- Thank you.

332
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:20,480
Um... yes, I like it.

333
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,678
I think it's a very striking image,
but what it doesn't say for me

334
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,070
is that there definitely will be pole dancing.

335
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,913
There was one thing I actually
wanted to discuss with you.

336
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,559
Yes. >

337
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,996
That was the inclusion of the...

338
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:37,789
anal swabs and condoms
in the seafood gift bag.

339
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,191
I was wondering if it might be possible
to have a separate gift bag

340
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,476
for perhaps the seafood.

341
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,916
There's no sexually transmitted disease
in the gift bag.

342
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,355
I think that all Graham
is voicing is the concern

343
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,590
that perhaps celebrities
are quite specific

344
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:54,752
- about what they want to be associated with.
- That's what they're called.

345
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,229
I think it's just because
it's not a life-threatening disease.

346
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,038
It's an irritant, though.

347
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,033
I don't know if you've had it,
but you'll know about it.

348
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:05,192
- I think that's a little rude to ask, actually.
- It wasn't a question.

349
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,270
I said,
"I don't know if you've had it."

350
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:10,399
No, and why would you?
And just to say that celebrities...

351
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,189
Well, I might have heard
on the grapevine. It gets round.

352
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,796
I don't think you're going to get
the kind of people that you want

353
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,349
to turn up to an STD party.

354
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,239
It's a Crab Ball, Vicky.
Well, he's got it, he's got it,

355
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:24,799
she's got it, he's had it.

356
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,951
Those two have got it.

357
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,680
And if those two have got it,
everyone from here...

358
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,518
...to here will have it.
I know that as a fact.

359
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:39,594
So I expect a full plate of RSVPs.

360
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,069
With respect, Dean, I just feel that...

361
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,391
You keep saying "with respect”
but I don't get any respect, Graham.

362
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,153
You're the fucking seafood platter designer.

363
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,197
- Don't twist my words, Graham.
- I'm not...

364
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,557
I'm not up in fucking court. That's next week.
I'll sort this out myself.

365
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,598
Get out. Yes, cancel their car.

366
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,790
Not much of a turnout,
is there, Dean?

367
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,076
No, give it time.

368
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,356
All right, Spence.

369
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,117
The problem is, at this rate,

370
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,079
it looks like we're going to
have to invoice the charity.

371
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,720
'One celebrity did turn up,
but this particular visitor

372
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,916
'wasn't on the guest list.'

373
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,879
- Hello, Randolph. How are you?
- Get your hands off my suit.

374
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,280
You didn't RSVP.

375
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,158
< What's my face doing on these posters?

376
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,639
'In accordance with his wishes,

377
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,075
'we kept our camera off Randolph
as much as possible.'

378
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:32,189
The whole idea of it is that
you look like the kind of person

379
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,590
who might have crabs, but you don't.

380
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,796
- Get off me.
- I pay the photographer, I am the image.

381
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,032
< If you touch me one more time,
I will call the police.

382
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,838
Touch him, Lewis. There we go. >

383
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,558
- Randolph, you're embarrassing yourself.
- That is assault.

384
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,031
- It's not assault, Randolph. It's lawful restraint.
- Take it down, Dean.

385
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,599
Randolph, is this about money?

386
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,513
Is this about money, Randolph?

387
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,318
Cos this is sordid.
What do you want? 807

388
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:54,629
All right, I'll make it a ton.

389
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:55,710
< How dare you.

390
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,313
A ton 20, a ton 40.

391
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,993
What about a ton 607

392
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,072
A ton 807 And two ton??

393
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:05,073
What about that?
Why don't you take it? Just get out.

394
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,430
He's crying. You've made him cry. >

395
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:11,080
I've not made him cry.

396
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,798
Well, he is crying. >

397
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,518
Here come the waterworks.

398
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,079
Here it comes.

399
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,912
Here comes the rain.

400
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,799
I'm trying to have a fun evening, Randolph.

401
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:28,869
I've got seafood, Maxine is here,
Satu is here. We're having a party.

402
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,997
Pick him up and get rid of him.

403
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,753
He's a funny one, isn't he?

404
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,832
He can't genuinely think,
"Oh, I'm a handsome man."

405
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,797
He's raving, he's mad.

406
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,030
- He's butt-ugly, am I wrong?
- No, you're right.

407
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,076
He's very ugly.

408
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,231
< Why did you give him money?

409
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:47,154
I just thought he could do with
a few quid. He looks brassy.

410
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,119
Out of the goodness of my heart, you know?

411
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:51,474
Just like I always give, you know...

412
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,915
- Thank you.
- There you go.

413
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,913
- Thanks.
- Thank you.

414
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,991
There you go.

415
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,993
I give people money all the time.
It's not a big deal.

416
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,912
Lewis.

417
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,435
Don't break him.

418
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,831
Give us a call, Randolph.
We'll sort this out.

419
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,399
I don't want this to end like this.

420
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,709
Al right.

421
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,119
I guess to sum up,

422
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,830
Randolph was a great talent,
whose ego simply got the better of him.

423
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:29,993
Like Icarus, he flew straight into the moon.
It's a lesson to us all.

424
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:34,677
If we can learn anything from his death,
it's to stay in the box society puts you in.

425
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,149
If only he'd made Bitch Killer 11
as instructed,

426
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,993
perhaps his life wouldn't have been
such a wasted journey.

427
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,071
All that remains for me to do

428
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,437
is to thank all of my super guests
for talking to me, Man to Man,

429
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,831
and to thank you very much for watching.
Thank you very much.

430
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:52,515
We'll play out now
with one of my favourite moments

431
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:53,874
from Randolph's rich oeuvre.

432
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,234
Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha!

433
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,553
No! No!

434
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,029
No! No!

435
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,674
Come on, you bitch!