(LOUD SPEAKER WHINES) Good morning Kate Sheppard Primary.
It's everyone's fourth favourite day - sausage sizzle day.
BOY: School.
Funds raised will go towards rebuilding after the school fire...
that was definitely an accident.
Oh, hey! Heather!
Hi! And...
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) That's my new friend Heather.
We just play this game where she just pretends to be annoyed at me,
like, all the time. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
Good morning. Kia ora.
See you at the library? Y...es!
(CHUCKLES)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(CHEERY, LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)
Yeah.
Have fun with your new friends. Have fun with your new sausages!
Oh, and have fun with your...
sausages.
(BRIGHT, INTRIGUING MUSIC)
(GASPS) Oh.
Can I just...?
Um, why do you hate this school so much?
Oh, I don't. I love it. I mean, we've only been here for a week,
but I love it already. It's so tidy. That's crack-up.
Cos I just thought since you like killing the environment with your single-use lifestyle,
you're one of those school haters.
Oh, this isn't mine. I'll just...
(CLATTERS)
Oh.
(SIGHS) Old bull rush injury.
Don't pick it up. Oh.
Are you trying to take my job as well?
So sorry.
MAN OVER PA: Could the caretaker please make his way to the boys' toilets by the music room.
We have a code brown.
I was having a really good day till then.
I'm sorry.
(BRIGHT, CHEERY MUSIC)
Hey, I just- Ooh.
Sorry I'm late.
Morena, Jess, Morena, Hine.
I'm glad you could finally join us. Morena, Heather.
Today is the most important day of our fundraising careers.
It'll set the tone for our year as parent volunteers,
and we need to work as a team, even though I could quite easily do this job on my own.
Before we start, I just want to say as a single mother
who's just moved here with not a lot of family close by,
it's really nice to get the chance to make new friends.
I think of us more as colleagues.
Well, you know a lot of people make friends with the people they work with.
I'm not most people.
OK, colleague.
Well, I have made us a sign using my initiative and meatiest font.
You called it 'Sausage Fest'.
Yeah. Is that a sausage in the middle? Uh-huh.
And the two large... round... things at the base are?
They're coins.
(GASPS GENTLY)
I'll get a senior kid to make us a new sign.
Yeah, good call.
I've timed today out perfectly, and Jess' lateness only puts us back a few minutes.
I'm sorry. I've never done a sausage sizzle before.
Yes, I can tell. It's time for you to go get the sausages.
Yes, I'll go get them from the freezer.
Don't you mean the fridge?
(CHILD-LIKE LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)
Yesterday I clearly said, 'Put these in the fridge.'
In my family, the words 'fridge' and 'freezer' are kinda interchangeable.
Plus I didn't listen.
We call ours the Chillie Apiata, cos it's cold. Huh.
Maybe only Hine and I should do the sizzle since I did it last year
and Hine knows what a fridge is.
Oh, no, no, this is my fault. I can fix it.
Maybe I can defrost them in the staff microwave.
That's better than nothing. Hey, that's my motto.
Also how I choose a lot of my boyfriends.
Good luck with Margot. OK.
(BRIGHT MUSIC)
Hey, can I use your microwave?
I'm sorry. Who are you?
Jess... from yesterday.
I put the sausages in the staff freezer.
Shouldn't you have put them in the staff fridge?
That's why I need the staff microwave.
Sorry. It's for staff only.
But you let me use the freezer yesterday.
I don't recall giving you any permission.
OK, look. I've got some sausages with hypothermia,
and I really need to impress my fundraising colleagues/potential new best friends.
Oh, no. I appear to have forgotten my lunch. Whatever will I eat.
Oh. Uh...
Well, oh, I guess I could- I've got $2 and, ay-hey, a packet of raisins.
I like sausages.
Oh. Yeah. Well, I mean, there will definitely be free sausages for staff.
If only I could find somewhere to defrost them.
For all staff? WEAKLY: Yeah.
(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)
(STAMMERS, MUMBLES)
SING-SONGY: Scary lady.
We just have to give the teachers free sausages.
You're welcome.
Do you know what the street value of the sausages you just gave away is?
No. Hine.
$52.72 plus GST. Wow, we got a lot of staff.
And they're all heroes, but just to be clear, you've cost our fundraiser $50 before we've even started.
I'm demoting you to permission slips. You do know how to sort slips?
Yeah. It's just what sausage kids have ordered and if they've paid.
Oh, yeah, I can totally do that. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
You have the confidence of a much more reliable mum.
I still get the feeling that Heather doesn't like me very much.
Yeah. I get that feeling too.
(JAUNTY, LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)
Oh, hey, Mia G.
I've got the poster that the bossy mum asked for.
Yeah. She tried to boss me round the other day. It didn't end well...
for her.
Wow, this looks really good. Well done.
Thank you. All right. You take that down to the library.
That's a weird place to have a sausage sizzle.
All mums are weird, dear.
Except for yours.
Obviously! Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS, MOUTHS)
Why you outta class?
Cos I'm a grown-up. And also I was collecting permission slips for the sausage sizzle.
I'm doing with my nearly-friends.
Is that the meat-loving air-polluting sausage sizzle
that no one consulted me about?
That's not how I'd frame it, but yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna give you till the count of three to go back to where you belong.
No, only mums can do the count to th-
One.
Two and a half.
(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)
That was quick.
Yeah, well, I ran because time is a factor, not because I'm scared of the caretaker.
Oh. There's a few people round here who think they're the boss of everything.
Is this your best work, Mia G? Yeah.
If you think I'm impressed with your pedestrian font choice,
you're very much mistaken.
Where do I put these posters?
Give it to the mean mum.
WHISPERS: Do you think she heard that?
Yes, I heard that.
(CHILLED-OUT MUSIC)
Really excited today because (LAUGHS) we're getting free sausages.
Shh! Yep, I've lied, cos I've told people I'm gonna get one,
but I'm gonna get, like- Shh.
Where's your recycling box? Oh, no! They didn't like your poster?
No. The mean mum said my font was too... pedestrian.
(SCOFFS) Her face is pedestrian.
Here. And give that to Freddie to recycle, OK?
Cool. Freddie's so friendly.
Yeah, he sure is.
Hey.
You're not a mean mum, you're just differently nice.
I don't care what that tween with the derivative poster concepts thinks.
Well, you shouldn't, cos you're doing an amazing job.
I've had a lot of colleague issues to deal with.
Well, colleagues. Rapidly blossoming bosom buddies. Whatever.
I don't think you understand the importance of today.
Hey, whoa, whoa, it's just a primary school sausage sizzle.
It's the school's fourth favourite day!
After Crazy Hair Day, Ice Block Tuesday
and the Buy In Your Book Day dress-up - Take A Book At Me Now.
You cooked these, right?
I haven't had a chance!
And I don't appreciate your passive aggressive comments about my time management skills.
(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)
(CHILDREN CHATTER)
Have you done a lot of this fundraising, Hine?
Oh, I've had five kids go through Kate Sheppard.
I know how to sizzle a sausage and which monkey bars break the most arms.
Senior playground. Those things are lethal.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(CHILDREN SHOUT, PLAY)
One, two, three. Ears on me.
PA: A reminder to students not to share your morning tea.
We've had a number of complaints from parents whose feelings were hurt
because kids preferred other mum's food.
Oh, and allergies.
Hey, Hine, what's the Friendship Bench?
Oh, when kids don't have anyone to play with,
they sit on the Friendship Bench to show they need a friend.
It's mostly just weirdos and that one kid with the dead tooth.
Oh, and sometimes cool kids as well.
I guess he wants to make friends, he just accidentally keeps freezing the sausages.
He'll figure it out.
He just needs to pay a little bit more attention to what he's doing.
Maybe he can make up for it with excellent slip organisation. Maybe.
Ah, yes.
Jess! Oh, sorry.
When you defrosted these, you did separate out the Halal, vegan and kosher sausages,
and clearly labelled them?
I did not, my friend.
Colleague. WHISPERS: We'll get there.
You would've noticed on the slips that we offer a range of options to important members of our community.
If we don't know which sausage is which,
by school law we can't sell them, and the children will go hungry.
Is there anything I can do?
Not unless you could turn back time?
Well, I'm not Cher. (LAUGHS)
Then you can sit quietly and think about what you've done.
I'll have to order more.
The children shouldn't miss out because a mum didn't put her thinking cap on.
Hine, I need you to order more of the most expensive sausages to be delivered within the hour
for extra cost.
Also I think we need some more gluten free bread,
cos I think this stuff's gone stale.
That's what gluten free bread always feels like.
(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)
The sausage sizzle is less than an hour away.
Please remember to line up politely.
Anyone caught pushing in will be on litter duty for the rest of the term...
with Miss Love.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
MAN: We can deliver in 35 minutes.
They can deliver in 35 minutes.
That's cutting it very fine. Ask if they know who I am.
DULLY: Do you know who she is?
(EXHALES) This is starting to feel quite stressful.
Uh, is that because it's your fault a lot of children will have no lunch today?
I never thought about it like that.
Where are the slips? Well, I know how you love organisation,
so I put all the permission slips into a green (WEAKLY) box.
A green box.
Green box? You put them in the green recycling bin that Braxton Hicks just took?
You guys are so efficient with recycling.
You need to pay better attention! Those slips tell us which sausage parents have ordered
and whether they've paid. Paid.
They're probably with the caretaker by now.
Off you go!
Oh, no, no, I don't want to bother him. He's probably got heaps of care to take,
and kids will be honest. They'll remember what they ordered.
Hey, kid. Did you order a sausage today? Yes.
Yeah. You remember what sausage you ordered?
A meat one? Ah, see! There you go. No trip to the caretaker needed.
Did your mum order you a vegetarian one? Yes.
Vegan? Yes.
Halal? Yes.
Capricorn? Yes.
Pythagoras? Yes.
Palmerston North? Yes.
Yeah, maybe I'll just go to the recycling.
Do what you think is best.
(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)
Hey! Hey! I was just-
Ugh. Freddie. I just-
I accidentally put something in the recycling,
and I need it back so that kids don't ingest unapproved meats. Ah!
Was it paper? Yes.
Yeah, that's fine. Well, it's that if I don't get it, then scary lady won't be my friend.
Why do you want a scary lady to be your friend?
Single mum, new town, take what I can get.
Well, she's gonna hate your guts cos the recycle truck came two minutes ago. (CHUCKLES)
Ugh, you guys are so efficient with your recycling!
(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)
If you don't have the slips, I can't let you give them out randomly.
At Kate Sheppard we follow the rules,
because the rules are cool...s.
But the kids haven't bought lunch. They'll go hungry.
Maybe we can just give them away for free.
I don't think you know how fundraising works.
I told you that I didn't need this one and-
Maybe what if we just went around all classrooms...
If I had just done this by myself, I would have done it no problems ...and we could call the parents.
Flat tyre. (IMITATES TYRE DEFLATING) Shh.
ALL: Shh.
I'm sorry, ladies. We can't risk giving the wrong food to the wrong kid.
I'll make an announcement at lunchtime notices.
The sausage sizzle is cancelled.
(GROANS)
I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.
I actually just wanted to impress you, but I may have lacked a little bit of focus.
I don't know why you bothered. That B-minus child artist was right.
I am a mean mum. Mean, as in average.
Hey, whoa. You are anything but average, OK?
You volunteer for a job most parents actively avoid.
You work your butt off for free,
and you have dealt with me the whole day and haven't even exploded.
That's someone I'd like to be friends with.
Plus last week I revolutionised the road patrol roster.
Yes, you did.
It might surprise you to know that I don't actually have a lot of friends at this school.
That does surprise me.
(CHUCKLES)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
Did you fix it? Yes.
(DIAL TONE BEEPS)
Oh my gosh. Did you learn that just by watching a YouTube instructional video?
Yes. You're amazing. Yes.
Uh, do I look 26? Yes.
Do I look like I do yoga? Yes.
MISPRONOUNCES: Pilates? Yes.
Chess? Yes.
Do I look like I do marathons? Think about that one just for two seconds.
And? Yes.
Oh my gosh. I love you.
The vegan sausies have arrived. Shall I start prepping?
No. There's nothing we can do without the permission slips.
Incorrect. I make mistakes on a semi regular basis, and there's always something you can do.
Like one time I got Ryan stuck in a toddler swing at the park,
but with a little optimism and a sharp house key, I got him out!
I reckon we can do this. We have got three whole minutes before we're out of time.
OK. Just need to focus, and don't get distracted by kids.
Oh, hey, kid. The recycling's already gone out for the day.
Oh, that's not recycling. That's compost.
They're both in green bins, cos you know, Papatuanuku. The Earth.
So I might've put the slips in a green compost bin.
Then they might still be here! Ah.
Then we could salvage our reputation as a the world's greatest fundraisers.
And feed the hungry children. Yes, that too.
Jess.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
What do you want? I think I put something in the compost, not the recycling.
As long as it's not treated timber or dairy, I'm fine with it.
Can I just take a look? (PANTS)
Uh, can't really let you have a look.
Mainly cos I just don't really want to.
And also cos of OHS.
Hi. Freddy, is it?
Who's this? That's my friend.
But she crazy.
We need you to move aside so we can get our slips and continue our sausage fest.
You don't know the first thing about the caretaker business, do you? (LAUGHS)
You're right. What would a mum know about taking care?
It's pretty much a complete fluke that my daughter
is the above-national-average child she is today.
Do you know that it's actually impossible to run a household
and as part-time cupcakery and still keep four and a half guinea pigs alive,
and who knows how the cleaning fairy gets it done.
Unless she's a cleaning fairy (GROWLS) who looks a lot like me.
You're complicated. I really like that.
Yeah, you can have a look.
And we'll give you a free sausage.
Yeah, have you got vegan ones? Yeah. We do, actually.
Oh, mean. Mean. Mean!
Mean as in cool.
(CLOCK TICKS)
We got them! And possibly a staph infection.
(PA SYSTEM WHINES) One, two, three. Ears on me.
He's gonna cancel the sizzle.
Not if I can help it.
Ooh!
Unfortunately, today's fundraising sausage sizzle-
(UPBEAT MUSIC BLARES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MICROPHONE SQUEALS) WHISPERS: Sorry. Should be good now.
(TAMI NEILSON'S 'LOCO MAMA' BLARES) # Get out quick.
# When the Mama go loco,
# when the Mama go loco... # (MUSIC STOPS)
WHISPERS: Sorry.
Should be good. OK.
(CLEARS THROAT) (FEEDBACK WHINES)
Unfortun- # When the Mama go loco,
# when the Mama goes loco,
# I hear no, no, no...
(MUSIC STOPS) WHISPERS: I'll hold this and you...
OK. Unfortunately,
today's fundraising sausage sizzle is- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
...is gonna be the best sausage fest ever! (PANTS)
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC) # Lucky me, got my happy ever after.
# All I need
# is my happy ever after. # Happy ever. Happy ever after.
(PERCUSSIVE BEAT)
# It's obvious
# there's a reason for this.
# No regrets. #
Hey. What do you need?
Can you buy a sausage for my friend? (GASPS)
You made a friend? Yes! I knew my relaxed parenting strategy would pay off.
What kind of sausage would you like, new friend? A meat one?
Yes. Yeah?
Or would your mum prefer you had a vegetarian one? Yes.
Mm.. OK. I'm just gonna get you a vegan one with some delicious gluten free bread
just to keep those dietary restrictions covered.
# All I need
# is my happy ever after. # Happy ever. Happy ever after.
# Lucky me. Got my happy ever... #
I'm so full of sausies!
You had a lot, actually. Ooh, I just about forgot.
I offered to pay for a couple of kids whose whanaus are struggling this week.
Yes, me too. Oh, yes, me three.
That makes our total $463 and a packet of raisins. Yay-hey!
That's double what we made last year.
I just need to take off the extra sausages and the one-hour delivery fee,
and the subsequent speeding ticket.
And the school wants us to pay for the gas bottle, sauce and gloves.
$243.50. And a packet of raisins.
What's our finding goal again? 150,000.
It does seem like a lot. It is.
Well, we do have a whole year. Bring it on.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
The school's in trouble, and I need you not to overreact.
The school has nits.
(GASPS) Oh my godfathers!
What kind of mum sends her kid to school with nits?
The principal wants us to comb Ivy clean and subtly check her class.
Why are we even the ones stuck doing this?
Because we're mums. We do gross stuff for free cos we love kids.
I hate little kids.
You're kinda mean.
Who's your mum? Trudy.
That makes sense.
Oh my God! What?
HINE: Heather's not gonna like this.
(ANNOUNCER YELLS)