1
00:00:05,241 --> 00:00:07,835
So, are you all set for tonight?

2
00:00:07,961 --> 00:00:11,317
Yeah. We're really grateful for this.
We've had a tough week.

3
00:00:11,441 --> 00:00:14,717
- How come?
- Our singer got pushed in a canal by a gorilla.

4
00:00:14,841 --> 00:00:18,629
- By a gorilla? In Dalston?
- Yeah, I know. He somehow survived,

5
00:00:18,761 --> 00:00:21,514
- then got backed over by a wizard in a van.
- 12 times.

6
00:00:21,641 --> 00:00:24,519
- Finished him of.
- Really? You've had a shocker.

7
00:00:24,641 --> 00:00:26,916
So what will you do?
Have you got a new singer?

8
00:00:27,041 --> 00:00:31,114
Not yet. I think we'll have to do
an instrumental set. It's a bit of a shame.

9
00:00:31,241 --> 00:00:36,679
I've got an idea. It's a crazy idea, but I'm
gonna be at the gig anyway, and I can sing.

10
00:00:36,801 --> 00:00:41,750
I know all the lyrics to your songs, and I was
mucking about on Photoshop the other day

11
00:00:41,881 --> 00:00:46,636
and accidentally Photoshopped my own head
over your dead singer's face.

12
00:00:46,761 --> 00:00:50,151
Out of grief more than anything.
I don't know. What do you think?

13
00:00:50,281 --> 00:00:52,237
Save you auditioning anyone else.

14
00:00:52,361 --> 00:00:56,912
Vince, you're a nice guy and you've got
a good look, but... you ever played football?

15
00:00:57,041 --> 00:00:59,430
- Yeah. Why?
- Your legs are a bit muscular.

16
00:00:59,561 --> 00:01:02,997
- We've got a thin-legs policy in this band.
- I've got thin legs.

17
00:01:03,121 --> 00:01:06,830
- No, chicken drummers, mate.
- Look, come on, guys. I could do this.

18
00:01:06,961 --> 00:01:13,150
- I could be your singer. It'll be amazing.
- I tell you what. If you can get into these...

19
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:15,078
the gig's yours.

20
00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:19,240
They'll be fine.
They look a bit baggy, if anything. Yeah, easy.

21
00:01:19,361 --> 00:01:23,479
I'll see you tonight for the gig.
And give my condolences to Neville's family.

22
00:01:23,601 --> 00:01:26,274
- You mean Nathan.
- Whatever.

23
00:01:29,961 --> 00:01:33,795
(Howard) Come with us now
on a journey through time and space.

24
00:01:33,921 --> 00:01:36,481
(Vince) To the world of
"The Mighty Boosh".

25
00:01:36,601 --> 00:01:37,829
♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

26
00:01:37,961 --> 00:01:41,476
♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

27
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:42,829
♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

28
00:01:42,961 --> 00:01:46,920
♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

29
00:01:53,041 --> 00:01:55,191
(man on TV) Life is pain.

30
00:01:55,321 --> 00:01:57,277
Suicide is freedom.

31
00:01:58,961 --> 00:02:03,034
Coming up next, a seven-hour documentary
about Danish avant-garde cinema.

32
00:02:03,161 --> 00:02:05,152
Oh, yes.

33
00:02:05,281 --> 00:02:07,920
(electronic whine)

34
00:02:18,481 --> 00:02:21,075
- This is never gonna work.
- What do you mean?

35
00:02:21,201 --> 00:02:24,910
You're never gonna wither your legs
using a wheelchair. It's insanity.

36
00:02:25,041 --> 00:02:28,397
You don't know.
Maybe if I don't use them, I'll drop a size.

37
00:02:28,521 --> 00:02:31,433
I will get into those drainpipes.
I will.

38
00:02:33,641 --> 00:02:36,235
- Why don't you just accept it?
- What do you mean?

39
00:02:36,361 --> 00:02:40,479
You've got muscular legs, like a football
player. That needn't be a bad thing.

40
00:02:40,601 --> 00:02:42,751
It didn't get in the way
for Van Morrison.

41
00:02:42,881 --> 00:02:45,679
He shufled to the top
on his beefy Celtic drummers.

42
00:02:45,801 --> 00:02:48,554
Can you not mention Van Morrison?

43
00:02:48,681 --> 00:02:52,117
- He's a Nik Nak in a ginger wig.
- Why are you letting it get to you?

44
00:02:52,241 --> 00:02:55,517
I've got to get in this band
and they've got a drainpipe policy.

45
00:02:55,641 --> 00:02:58,758
Stop mocking me.
Come and watch tonight. It's gonna be good.

46
00:02:58,881 --> 00:03:02,954
- My nights are genius.
- I don't think so. I've got other things to do.

47
00:03:03,081 --> 00:03:05,470
- As if you've got anything to do.
- What?

48
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:09,913
Gonna go to Lester Corncrake's house,
stick your phone up his arse and ring him?

49
00:03:10,041 --> 00:03:11,997
- That was a mistake.
- Yeah, right.

50
00:03:12,121 --> 00:03:14,794
He doesn't see very well.
He sat on the phone,

51
00:03:14,921 --> 00:03:17,435
and I was ringing him
to find out where it was.

52
00:03:17,561 --> 00:03:21,270
He thought a bumblebee had gone up him.
It was quite traumatic for him.

53
00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:24,359
- I wanna know how he answered it.
- It was a bit weird.

54
00:03:24,481 --> 00:03:27,200
Why don't you come along?
My nights, they're genius.

55
00:03:27,321 --> 00:03:29,471
I don't think so.
You know what I'm doing?

56
00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:33,150
I'm gonna see Jurgen Haabemaaster
speak about his latest project.

57
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,476
- Who?
- Jurgen Haabemaaster. Know who he is?

58
00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:39,753
Only the leading exponent of avant-garde
cinema working in Denmark today.

59
00:03:39,881 --> 00:03:42,520
Incredible mind.
You know what he once did?

60
00:03:42,641 --> 00:03:47,476
He once strapped 14 cameras to the back of
a dying swan and hurled it into a supermarket.

61
00:03:47,601 --> 00:03:49,432
Unbelievable footage.

62
00:03:49,561 --> 00:03:52,029
Never saw that.
Have you seen Herbie Goes Bananas?

63
00:03:52,161 --> 00:03:55,198
It's called culture,
something you wouldn't know about.

64
00:03:55,321 --> 00:03:57,596
My nights are packed full of culture.

65
00:03:57,721 --> 00:04:01,111
Black Tubes?
That's just men in tight trousers howling.

66
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,472
It's not just music.
It's about cabaret now, it's coming back.

67
00:04:04,601 --> 00:04:07,877
You've got to have variety.
We've got dancing girls, an actor.

68
00:04:08,001 --> 00:04:11,038
- An actor? Who have you got?
- We've got Sammy the Crab.

69
00:04:11,161 --> 00:04:14,198
Sammy the Crab?
Are you joking?

70
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:17,631
- He's the best actor of his generation.
- Get real. He's awful.

71
00:04:17,761 --> 00:04:20,673
- What? He'd be in Hollywood now.
- What, if he wasn't a crab?

72
00:04:20,801 --> 00:04:22,951
No, if he wasn't
keeping it real in theatre.

73
00:04:23,081 --> 00:04:26,471
- His eyes are on stalks.
- Yeah, he uses that to his advantage.

74
00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:29,991
Have you seen his one-man version
of Streetcar Named Desire?

75
00:04:30,121 --> 00:04:34,160
It's the seminal Kowalski. You can't
go back to Brando after you've seen Sammy.

76
00:04:34,281 --> 00:04:37,432
12 encores.
Took his little vest of, threw it into the crowd.

77
00:04:37,561 --> 00:04:40,598
I caught it. Look.
That's gonna be worth something one day.

78
00:04:40,961 --> 00:04:42,679
Hey, Vincey.

79
00:04:43,521 --> 00:04:48,595
Howard Moon, as I breathe and stink.
How are you?

80
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:52,077
I'm doing pretty good, Fossil, yeah.
Things are going OK and...

81
00:04:52,201 --> 00:04:55,796
Boring. Hey, are you still
trying to sell these jazz records?

82
00:04:55,921 --> 00:05:00,119
Or, as I like to say,
these liquid discs of shit.

83
00:05:00,241 --> 00:05:03,392
- Yes, they're selling very well, thank you.
- Ooh.

84
00:05:03,521 --> 00:05:09,153
I'm Howard Moon
and I know how to use my talkie round hole!

85
00:05:09,281 --> 00:05:11,636
Hey, Vince, how are the legs?

86
00:05:11,761 --> 00:05:13,717
Not bad.
I've gone down three sizes.

87
00:05:13,841 --> 00:05:16,594
Two sizes to go
and I am in those drainpipes.

88
00:05:16,721 --> 00:05:20,396
Beauteous. You get into the band,
you get me in as a manager.

89
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,513
You're my little golden boy.
You're my shower monkey.

90
00:05:23,641 --> 00:05:28,795
You're my two-ton circle of fun!
Hey, and I got this poster too.

91
00:05:28,921 --> 00:05:31,594
- Cool.
- (screeches)

92
00:05:31,721 --> 00:05:35,760
And listen, we got a big-shot director
coming down to see Sammy the Crab.

93
00:05:35,881 --> 00:05:37,633
Is there any room on the door?

94
00:05:37,761 --> 00:05:40,878
The guestlist is a little tight.
What's his name?

95
00:05:41,001 --> 00:05:43,515
Jurgen Haabemaaster.

96
00:05:45,201 --> 00:05:47,510
OK, he can come, but no plus-one.
I'm chocka.

97
00:05:47,641 --> 00:05:49,836
OK, bye.

98
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,751
- Hey, Vince. Cup of tea?
- What?

99
00:05:52,881 --> 00:05:55,714
- Cup of tea or a sandwich?
- There's no way.

100
00:05:55,841 --> 00:05:58,719
- You don't even know what I'm gonna say.
- I do.

101
00:05:58,841 --> 00:06:01,355
- Put me on at the club tonight.
- Oh, really?

102
00:06:01,481 --> 00:06:04,632
I unleash my raw acting chops,
blow Sammy of the stage,

103
00:06:04,761 --> 00:06:07,559
- Jurgen puts me in his latest project.
- You can't act.

104
00:06:07,681 --> 00:06:11,230
Oh, really?
Well, what then, pray, is this?

105
00:06:12,921 --> 00:06:16,675
- I don't know. What is that?
- Me as Hamlet. You didn't know about that.

106
00:06:16,801 --> 00:06:18,951
You've never actually played Hamlet.

107
00:06:19,081 --> 00:06:21,879
I know. But had I,
that's what I would look like.

108
00:06:22,001 --> 00:06:25,357
You knocked that up at the photocopy centre.
It's just bizarre.

109
00:06:25,481 --> 00:06:30,760
Give me a break. All I need is one shot. It's
my number-one dream to work with Jurgen.

110
00:06:30,881 --> 00:06:36,353
I thought in your number-one dream you had
a boxing glove on your head and a minge.

111
00:06:36,481 --> 00:06:38,790
OK, it's in my top four.
Please.

112
00:06:38,921 --> 00:06:42,072
I've only seen you act at school.
Remember? We did Aladdin.

113
00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:46,274
You were the genie. You froze in your
gold trousers. Mr Freeze we called you.

114
00:06:46,401 --> 00:06:49,996
You got bottled of by Year 9.
The headmaster got you in a headlock.

115
00:06:50,121 --> 00:06:53,113
That was years ago.
I can act any time. Just watch me.

116
00:06:53,241 --> 00:06:55,835
You can't act
when other people are in the room.

117
00:06:55,961 --> 00:06:58,316
A cheese plant
can send you into a panic.

118
00:06:58,441 --> 00:07:02,753
- Cheese plants can be judgmental.
- I'd like to help, but I can't. It's my night.

119
00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:06,476
If you freeze, it's gonna be me
carrying you out of there like a post.

120
00:07:06,601 --> 00:07:09,798
I don't freeze any more.
That was when I was a young boy.

121
00:07:09,921 --> 00:07:12,719
Now I'm a grown man.
I'm loose. I'm at ease with myself.

122
00:07:12,841 --> 00:07:16,516
Just let me release a couple of my chops
for Jurgen tonight, please.

123
00:07:16,641 --> 00:07:18,518
- Perhaps just one chop.
- All right.

124
00:07:18,641 --> 00:07:20,472
- Yes!
- I'll give you an audition.

125
00:07:20,601 --> 00:07:22,557
(ice crackles)

126
00:07:26,001 --> 00:07:29,357
What are you doing?
Howard, have you frozen?

127
00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:31,597
Oh. There aren't any auditions.

128
00:07:31,721 --> 00:07:33,439
Oh. OK.

129
00:07:33,561 --> 00:07:37,349
- You'd better not do that tonight.
- That was a joke. I was joking with you.

130
00:07:37,481 --> 00:07:41,599
- Cool. I'll put you on in the second half.
- (ice crackles)

131
00:07:42,761 --> 00:07:45,229
Hey, Vincey,
I've just been on the internet.

132
00:07:45,361 --> 00:07:47,875
I've got some ideas
on how to get your pins down.

133
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,354
- Really?
- OK, follow me.

134
00:07:49,481 --> 00:07:51,472
Let's do it.
Let's go, baby.

135
00:07:57,521 --> 00:08:01,116
The Doctor and the Pencil
is one of my first films.

136
00:08:01,241 --> 00:08:06,634
It is an exploration of pain and rage.

137
00:08:06,761 --> 00:08:11,391
Saying that,
the film is playful and comedic too.

138
00:08:16,281 --> 00:08:18,476
(grunts)

139
00:08:22,441 --> 00:08:24,193
(shouts)

140
00:08:27,281 --> 00:08:29,272
(shouts)

141
00:08:33,321 --> 00:08:35,039
Make the calll

142
00:08:39,281 --> 00:08:42,114
Make the calll
Fucking make the calll

143
00:08:44,561 --> 00:08:46,358
(wails)

144
00:08:46,481 --> 00:08:48,597
Yeahl

145
00:08:48,841 --> 00:08:50,911
(wails)

146
00:08:51,161 --> 00:08:52,116
Yeahl

147
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:53,959
(chuckles)

148
00:08:54,081 --> 00:08:55,400
So playful.

149
00:08:55,521 --> 00:08:57,159
(strangled groan)

150
00:08:58,281 --> 00:08:59,714
Howard?

151
00:08:59,841 --> 00:09:01,877
(groans) Help me.

152
00:09:03,801 --> 00:09:05,553
- Thanks.
- What's the matter?

153
00:09:05,681 --> 00:09:08,400
I'll tell you what the matter is.

154
00:09:08,521 --> 00:09:10,477
I just can't act.

155
00:09:12,161 --> 00:09:16,518
Yeah, I see what you mean. The thing
about acting, Howard, it's about motivation.

156
00:09:16,641 --> 00:09:19,758
- Remember when I was in Candide?
- I didn't know you were in that.

157
00:09:19,881 --> 00:09:23,032
I did a lot of French period drama
before I worked in Megabowl.

158
00:09:23,161 --> 00:09:26,836
- I remember in one scene I had to be upset.
- What did you do?

159
00:09:26,961 --> 00:09:30,397
What I did was I looked back
to the most traumatic period of my life,

160
00:09:30,521 --> 00:09:32,477
the time I was most angry.

161
00:09:32,601 --> 00:09:35,240
It was when Pete stole my trainers.
I went berserk.

162
00:09:35,361 --> 00:09:39,479
And I took that emotion
and I used it in the scene.

163
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:43,230
Mr De Beauvois, your conduct this evening
has been intolerable.

164
00:09:43,361 --> 00:09:47,991
I've a good mind to thrash you,
so you'd better explain yourself before I do.

165
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:51,397
Never mind that. Where are my trainers?!
I need 'em for work!

166
00:09:51,521 --> 00:09:55,150
What, am I supposed to go to Megabowl
with my socks on?

167
00:09:55,281 --> 00:09:58,910
- Thanks for that, Naboo.
- Don't mention it.

168
00:10:02,961 --> 00:10:05,031
I did a bit of acting once.

169
00:10:05,161 --> 00:10:07,470
I was in Home and Away.

170
00:10:07,601 --> 00:10:09,557
I played Carol.

171
00:10:17,681 --> 00:10:20,991
- Ah, top of the evening to you.
- Hi.

172
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,591
- What can I get for you, fella?
- I'll just have a whisky, please.

173
00:10:24,721 --> 00:10:28,430
Looks like you've got the weight of the world
on your shoulders.

174
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,756
Know what I do
when I'm down in the dumps?

175
00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:35,716
I jump over the neighbour's fence,
take his cat and twist his neck.

176
00:10:35,841 --> 00:10:38,799
Just twist it a little bit,
then twist it some more,

177
00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:43,039
then kick him and then throw him down
and then twist his neck some more. And...

178
00:10:43,161 --> 00:10:46,915
- Just get a whisky, please.
- Coming right up.

179
00:10:48,801 --> 00:10:50,951
- Bad day?
- Yeah, you could say that.

180
00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:53,436
- What's wrong?
- I was all set to go on stage,

181
00:10:53,561 --> 00:10:57,395
a big-shot director was gonna be there,
but I can't act. I just...

182
00:10:57,521 --> 00:10:59,557
I just can't act!

183
00:11:00,161 --> 00:11:04,871
- Yes, that wasn't great, was it?
- I freeze up, you know? I've got stage fright.

184
00:11:05,001 --> 00:11:09,119
Ah, the chokes.
Old chokey. Chokus-pocus.

185
00:11:09,241 --> 00:11:12,233
Many a fine actor
sufered from the chokes.

186
00:11:12,361 --> 00:11:17,640
John Gielgud, Richard Harris, Peter O'Toole.
All sufered from the chokes.

187
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:21,640
I remember talking to Gielgud about it.
He was furious with himself.

188
00:11:21,761 --> 00:11:26,312
- You've actually met Gielgud?
- He was my understudy for a year, the bitch.

189
00:11:26,441 --> 00:11:30,719
- Who are you?
- Cast your eyes across my portrait, yonder.

190
00:11:30,841 --> 00:11:32,160
My God!

191
00:11:32,281 --> 00:11:33,794
You're Paul Weller.

192
00:11:33,921 --> 00:11:36,640
No, the next one along.

193
00:11:36,761 --> 00:11:40,037
- Bruce Foxton?
- The next portrait along.

194
00:11:40,161 --> 00:11:42,880
- Montgomery Flange!
- Ah, at your service.

195
00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:45,754
You were the greatest actor
of your generation.

196
00:11:45,881 --> 00:11:48,076
You disappeared, though.
What happened?

197
00:11:48,201 --> 00:11:51,238
It's a sad story.
I won't bore you with it.

198
00:11:51,361 --> 00:11:56,389
It was about 1976, I think it was. I was in
my heyday. Everything was going right for me.

199
00:11:56,521 --> 00:12:00,912
Rave reviews, the lot.
I wanted this part. I wanted it so bad.

200
00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:06,399
I prepared for it for months,
but I was pipped to the post by another actor.

201
00:12:06,521 --> 00:12:09,240
Confidence shattered,
lost my wife.

202
00:12:09,361 --> 00:12:11,477
Everything turned to shit.

203
00:12:11,601 --> 00:12:16,231
Apart from a brief stint playing bass
for The Style Council, I've not worked since.

204
00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:19,671
- Monty, I've got an idea.
- Hm?

205
00:12:19,801 --> 00:12:23,191
You're a great actor, I need training up.
Why don't you train me?

206
00:12:23,321 --> 00:12:25,755
Take the chokes of me,
train me up as an actor.

207
00:12:25,881 --> 00:12:30,193
No, no, no. I don't do that any more.
Thank you, but, no, no, no.

208
00:12:30,321 --> 00:12:34,792
I suppose Sammy
will be getting ready to go on stage now.

209
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,991
- Who?
- Sammy the Crab.

210
00:12:37,121 --> 00:12:39,555
No! No, Sammy!

211
00:12:39,681 --> 00:12:42,320
No, Sammy the Crab!
No, Sammy the Crab! I hate him!

212
00:12:42,441 --> 00:12:45,672
He was the one I lost the part to,
the one who ran of with my wife.

213
00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:50,079
Oh, there's not a day goes by
when I don't want to kill Sammy,

214
00:12:50,201 --> 00:12:54,513
throw him into a huge cooking pot
and eat the little pink wanker!

215
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,950
Argh! (spits)

216
00:12:57,081 --> 00:13:00,357
- So he's on the bill with you tonight?
- He's my competition.

217
00:13:00,481 --> 00:13:03,837
If I train you, get rid of the chokes,
we'd be sticking it to Sammy?

218
00:13:03,961 --> 00:13:07,033
- Damn right we would.
- We have no time to lose. Let's go.

219
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:11,200
- Where?
- To my secret woodland acting training area.

220
00:13:13,321 --> 00:13:16,233
OK, I'm pretty sure
this is the answer, Vince.

221
00:13:16,361 --> 00:13:20,036
- Now, instructions say don't go over level 10.
- OK.

222
00:13:20,161 --> 00:13:23,790
But the gig starts in an hour,
so I'm going to take you to level 42.

223
00:13:23,921 --> 00:13:27,755
- All right. Do it, Bollo.
- (bass guitar plays in a Level 42 style)

224
00:13:29,561 --> 00:13:31,870
Oh, yeah.
Come on. Feel it.

225
00:13:32,801 --> 00:13:36,316
Bollo, can you stop pretending
to be Mark King and make my legs thin?

226
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,318
- Sorry.
- Dickhead.

227
00:13:43,441 --> 00:13:46,751
Ah, here we are once more
in my acting dojo.

228
00:13:46,881 --> 00:13:53,195
It's not easy being an actor. Sometimes
you'll have to act for 30, 35 minutes in one go.

229
00:13:53,321 --> 00:13:57,473
With no interval. Well, a short interval.
But then another half an hour.

230
00:13:57,601 --> 00:13:59,796
- Do you think you have what it takes?
- Yes.

231
00:13:59,921 --> 00:14:00,910
- Do you?
- Yes.

232
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:02,599
- Do you want it?
- I want it.

233
00:14:02,721 --> 00:14:05,997
- But do you really want it?
- I want it more than life itself.

234
00:14:06,121 --> 00:14:09,591
Well, you're going to have to want it
a little bit more than that.

235
00:14:09,721 --> 00:14:11,837
- How is that possible?
- Not sure.

236
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,439
Acting.

237
00:14:14,561 --> 00:14:17,519
Now, first things first.
What the hell is this?

238
00:14:17,641 --> 00:14:22,157
Are you training to be a football manager?
Are you Terry Venables? No, no, no, no, no.

239
00:14:22,281 --> 00:14:25,910
- We need appropriate acting attire. Tights.
- Tights.

240
00:14:26,041 --> 00:14:29,954
I want to see you
skipping around the bracken in your tights.

241
00:14:30,081 --> 00:14:34,313
- I didn't bring any tights with me.
- Luckily, I did. Behind the tree. Of you pop.

242
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:38,070
Put them on.
Don't worry, boy, I won't look.

243
00:14:42,121 --> 00:14:44,157
Emotions.

244
00:14:44,281 --> 00:14:48,479
Now, Howard, as an actor, you'll need to
summon up emotions as quick as a beam.

245
00:14:48,601 --> 00:14:51,399
OK? I'm going to fire a few at you now.

246
00:14:51,521 --> 00:14:53,034
Pain.

247
00:14:53,161 --> 00:14:54,879
Sorrow.

248
00:14:55,001 --> 00:14:57,799
Ecstasy. MDMA.

249
00:14:57,921 --> 00:14:59,593
Joy. Jealousy.

250
00:14:59,721 --> 00:15:02,997
A situation. You've lost your ladder.
Look for your ladder.

251
00:15:03,121 --> 00:15:06,636
You've found it again.
One of the rungs is missing. Who did this?!

252
00:15:06,761 --> 00:15:11,232
Was it little Johnny with his trousers
around his ankles? Ask him! Confront him!

253
00:15:11,361 --> 00:15:14,797
- Did you break my ladder?
- No, not with your mouth, with your nose!

254
00:15:14,921 --> 00:15:17,355
Tell me a story with your nose.

255
00:15:19,041 --> 00:15:20,793
Useless!

256
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:26,234
Time for a break. Let's have a liquorice roly,
a double brandy and bitch about the industry.

257
00:15:26,361 --> 00:15:28,158
Who the fuck is John Simm?

258
00:15:29,241 --> 00:15:31,038
John Simm.

259
00:15:31,161 --> 00:15:33,470
Lesson 49, object animation.

260
00:15:33,601 --> 00:15:36,035
- What do you see in front of you?
- A pencil.

261
00:15:36,161 --> 00:15:39,870
A pencil? No, no, no!
Look, it's Niagara Falls. It's a seagull.

262
00:15:40,001 --> 00:15:43,960
It's cheese in the shape of a question mark.
It's anything you want it to be.

263
00:15:44,081 --> 00:15:47,073
You try. Come on!

264
00:15:47,201 --> 00:15:52,400
I don't know what to do. I can't make it into
anything else. It's just a pencil, you old git!

265
00:15:52,521 --> 00:15:54,637
Yes! You found the truth!

266
00:15:54,761 --> 00:15:59,755
You're an actor now,
and I'm as hard as the cobra.

267
00:16:00,361 --> 00:16:03,114
Mighty cobra.

268
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:06,679
- OK, Howard. This is your audience.
- (hens squawk)

269
00:16:06,801 --> 00:16:09,759
Give them a little blast of Hamlet, dear boy.

270
00:16:11,761 --> 00:16:13,399
(ice crackles)

271
00:16:13,521 --> 00:16:15,989
Go on, Howard.
Show them what you're made of.

272
00:16:16,121 --> 00:16:18,715
Use the skills I've taught you. Howard?

273
00:16:18,841 --> 00:16:20,718
Oh, dear.

274
00:16:20,841 --> 00:16:25,471
This is the worst case of chokes
I've ever laid my eyes on.

275
00:16:25,601 --> 00:16:30,516
Oh, there's nothing for it.
I'm going to have to take them from you.

276
00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:32,518
(groans)

277
00:16:33,641 --> 00:16:36,235
Ooh, pain!

278
00:16:36,721 --> 00:16:38,916
Pain!

279
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:40,520
(grunts)

280
00:16:40,641 --> 00:16:42,791
- I'm loose. I'm free.
- Yes.

281
00:16:42,921 --> 00:16:45,594
Monty, you've cured me of the chokes!

282
00:16:45,721 --> 00:16:49,191
- They're in me now, boy. Run! Run free!
- OK.

283
00:16:49,321 --> 00:16:54,236
And stick a French banger of acting
up Sammy's arse, the little pink shit.

284
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:55,680
- Thank you.
- Go, boy.

285
00:16:55,801 --> 00:16:57,280
- One last question.
- Yes?

286
00:16:57,401 --> 00:17:00,393
What was the part
that Sammy beat you to?

287
00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:02,477
It was the part of a crab.

288
00:17:04,921 --> 00:17:10,359
Obviously he had a physical advantage,
but you should've seen my crab.

289
00:17:12,881 --> 00:17:16,078
Look at it.
Have you ever seen a crab like it?

290
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:18,351
Fucking marvellous.

291
00:17:18,481 --> 00:17:21,120
Ow! Oh!
I shouldn't have done that.

292
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:23,550
Oh! Heart attack.

293
00:17:23,681 --> 00:17:25,990
(thunder roars
and electricity crackles)

294
00:17:27,961 --> 00:17:31,192
(Vince) I will get into those drainpipes. I will.

295
00:17:34,041 --> 00:17:37,795
Howard Moon, actor,
at your service.

296
00:17:41,001 --> 00:17:44,471
Where do you want me?
First or second half?

297
00:17:44,601 --> 00:17:46,910
- There's a problem with the bill.
- Is there?

298
00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:50,078
- You're not on it.
- This is a joke you're playing on me.

299
00:17:50,201 --> 00:17:54,160
Last time I saw you, you were like this,
then you disappeared. Where were you?

300
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,556
What? I was involved in
an acting montage.

301
00:17:56,681 --> 00:17:59,195
- How am I supposed to know that?
- Thank you.

302
00:17:59,321 --> 00:18:02,597
Vincey! My little beauty boy!
Are you ready?

303
00:18:02,721 --> 00:18:04,677
(laughs) Hey, Moon.

304
00:18:04,801 --> 00:18:06,917
Who are you?
Zorro on gay night?

305
00:18:09,481 --> 00:18:13,793
- Nice comeback. Hey, let's go.
- Let's do it. I've got my drainpipes. Let's go.

306
00:18:13,921 --> 00:18:18,597
Wait! You can't walk. It's a good five minutes
and you've got to lose the weight.

307
00:18:18,721 --> 00:18:21,519
- Ride me like a blue horse.
- OK. I'm sorry, Howard.

308
00:18:21,641 --> 00:18:23,996
You can go on the bill
next week if you want.

309
00:18:24,121 --> 00:18:27,670
Jurgen's here tonight and tonight only.
I've missed my chance.

310
00:18:27,801 --> 00:18:30,918
Zip it, Zorro.
Vince has a lot of things to do tonight.

311
00:18:31,041 --> 00:18:36,115
He's gotta sing and wear pants. He doesn't
need you bumming him out. Now, giddy-up.

312
00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:38,516
- See you.
- Yeah! (laughs)

313
00:18:38,641 --> 00:18:41,394
Whoa, Vince, ride me!

314
00:18:42,241 --> 00:18:47,998
Yeah, well, your suit's really tight.
It makes you look stupid. Ha! Deal with that!

315
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:50,877
Ah, that's told him.

316
00:18:52,801 --> 00:18:55,474
What? That was a good comeback.

317
00:18:58,001 --> 00:19:02,836
(Bob) Please welcome
the Mayor of Camden, Vince Noir.

318
00:19:05,841 --> 00:19:08,355
You've heard of Oxford Circus.

319
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,995
You've heard of Piccadilly Circus.

320
00:19:11,121 --> 00:19:15,717
Well, tonight I present you
Vince Noir's Electro Circus.

321
00:19:17,521 --> 00:19:21,594
Let me introduce you to the opening act.
This guy used to be a tennis umpire,

322
00:19:21,721 --> 00:19:26,112
but he's given that up now to pursue
his dream of becoming a folk legend.

323
00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:30,154
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands
together and welcome onto the stage

324
00:19:30,281 --> 00:19:32,272
the Umpire of Folk!

325
00:19:32,401 --> 00:19:34,357
(audience cheer)

326
00:19:36,641 --> 00:19:41,351
♪ I tied her in my twisted beard

327
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:46,157
♪ We walked among the standing stones

328
00:19:46,281 --> 00:19:50,593
♪ The light was fading on our match

329
00:19:50,721 --> 00:19:55,556
♪ So we stopped for lemon barley drinks

330
00:19:55,681 --> 00:19:59,799
(PA) Ten-minute call for the Blue McEnroe
group. This is your ten-minute call.

331
00:19:59,921 --> 00:20:03,630
Watch your step.
Hey, goofballs, you're on in ten, OK?

332
00:20:03,761 --> 00:20:06,912
Big-time avant-garde director
coming through.

333
00:20:07,041 --> 00:20:09,316
- Here's Sammy's dressing room.
- Thanks.

334
00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:13,832
Hey, I hear you're casting for your new
acting project. You know, I used to act.

335
00:20:13,961 --> 00:20:15,917
I'm a big actor. Look.

336
00:20:17,241 --> 00:20:20,677
You have absolutely nothing.
You repulse me.

337
00:20:21,641 --> 00:20:24,360
Ah.

338
00:20:24,481 --> 00:20:27,598
- (Sammy) Oh, it's you.
- Samuel. It is good to see you at last.

339
00:20:27,721 --> 00:20:30,394
- You're looking well.
- Mm. I've been working out.

340
00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:35,072
I just wanted to say to you, Sammy,
that what is in the past is in the past.

341
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:36,270
Really?

342
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:39,791
The reason I sacked you, Sammy,
was because of the drinking.

343
00:20:39,921 --> 00:20:43,709
- Yeah, I was drinking a little bit.
- I had to do it. You assaulted me.

344
00:20:43,841 --> 00:20:45,718
You burned down my house.

345
00:20:45,841 --> 00:20:48,674
- You pulled of one of my wife's ears...
- (laughs)

346
00:20:48,801 --> 00:20:52,840
...and posted it to me. It is not funny.
- It's quite funny.

347
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:55,919
I just wanted to say
that I am glad you are clean.

348
00:20:56,041 --> 00:20:58,157
- I will be watching tonight.
- Whoopee.

349
00:20:58,281 --> 00:21:02,877
- I want to talk to you about my latest project.
- Bye. Fucking tit.

350
00:21:03,001 --> 00:21:05,754
(applause)

351
00:21:05,881 --> 00:21:09,271
Ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure to present to you

352
00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:12,757
Naboo the Enigma
and his beautiful assistant Bollo

353
00:21:12,881 --> 00:21:15,190
with magic from around the world.

354
00:21:15,321 --> 00:21:19,234
- Where's it from this week, Naboo?
- Egypt.

355
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:22,910
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands
together for Naboo the Enigma.

356
00:21:23,041 --> 00:21:25,601
- (applause)
- (Egyptian music)

357
00:21:38,041 --> 00:21:39,190
- Bollo.
- Mm?

358
00:21:39,321 --> 00:21:41,232
- Don't milk it.
- Sorry.

359
00:21:42,441 --> 00:21:44,113
- Are you guys all right?
- Yeah.

360
00:21:44,241 --> 00:21:46,960
- You don't mind sharing with Sammy?
- Not a problem.

361
00:21:47,081 --> 00:21:49,595
- How's he been? Is he all right?
- Oh, he's fine.

362
00:21:49,721 --> 00:21:53,350
- I think he's just making a call.
- (Sammy) Fucking Goths everywhere.

363
00:21:53,481 --> 00:21:58,077
Hey, if Sammy's looking a bit sluggish, pop
a couple of Berocca into his tank, will you?

364
00:21:58,201 --> 00:22:00,669
(Sammy) Oi, Scissorhands.

365
00:22:01,401 --> 00:22:06,521
- Get us a beer, will you? I'm gasping.
- I think Sammy needs something stronger.

366
00:22:06,641 --> 00:22:09,713
(Sammy) Are you fucking getting it,
you dickhead?

367
00:22:09,841 --> 00:22:11,911
Oh. Oh, the taste. Ah!

368
00:22:19,321 --> 00:22:22,631
Sword of terror number one, please.

369
00:22:26,441 --> 00:22:27,999
(audience gasp)

370
00:22:28,121 --> 00:22:29,634
Number two.

371
00:22:33,161 --> 00:22:35,356
(audience gasp)

372
00:22:35,481 --> 00:22:38,553
And the final sword, please, Bollo.

373
00:22:42,401 --> 00:22:44,437
- (woman screams)
- (audience gasp)

374
00:22:45,001 --> 00:22:49,438
- They were the fake swords, Bollo?
- What fake swords?

375
00:22:52,961 --> 00:22:55,395
(Sammy mutters)

376
00:22:58,081 --> 00:23:00,549
Sammy's going mental.

377
00:23:00,681 --> 00:23:03,115
Let's get out of here.

378
00:23:04,481 --> 00:23:06,517
(tank smashes)

379
00:23:06,641 --> 00:23:08,518
(Sammy mutters)

380
00:23:08,641 --> 00:23:10,677
(screams)

381
00:23:10,801 --> 00:23:12,757
(men groan)

382
00:23:17,121 --> 00:23:19,032
Come on.
I'll have the lot of you.

383
00:23:19,841 --> 00:23:25,040
Vincey, we are in some deep diarrhoea.
Sammy the Crab just went to nutball village!

384
00:23:25,161 --> 00:23:29,712
- Don't panic. Just put the Blue McEnroes on.
- Well, I would, but Sammy killed 'em all!

385
00:23:29,841 --> 00:23:31,957
They're the Red McEnroes now.

386
00:23:32,081 --> 00:23:35,118
Listen, the crowd is baying for an actor.

387
00:23:35,241 --> 00:23:37,118
Do you know anybody?

388
00:23:37,241 --> 00:23:38,993
I might know someone.

389
00:23:39,361 --> 00:23:41,158
(phone rings)

390
00:23:42,361 --> 00:23:44,556
- Hello? Howard Moon.
- Hey, it's Vince.

391
00:23:44,681 --> 00:23:49,118
Sammy's gone mad. He's mutilated everyone.
We need an actor. Can you come down?

392
00:23:51,441 --> 00:23:53,193
To the theatre!

393
00:23:53,321 --> 00:23:55,676
(audience chant) Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

394
00:23:55,801 --> 00:23:58,679
Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

395
00:23:58,801 --> 00:24:00,314
Sammy! Sammy!

396
00:24:00,441 --> 00:24:02,397
(audience gasp)

397
00:24:09,481 --> 00:24:11,119
(ice crackles)

398
00:24:17,921 --> 00:24:20,435
Howardl Howardl

399
00:24:20,561 --> 00:24:22,552
Howard, you can do it, dear boy.

400
00:24:22,681 --> 00:24:25,434
You know you can.
You're a great actor.

401
00:24:25,561 --> 00:24:29,679
Think of the pencil, Howard.
Think of the pencil.

402
00:24:32,481 --> 00:24:36,793
Ohhhhhhhhhh!

403
00:24:36,921 --> 00:24:38,639
No!

404
00:24:38,761 --> 00:24:40,558
(moans)

405
00:24:41,641 --> 00:24:43,632
No! No!

406
00:24:43,761 --> 00:24:46,559
No! Aargh!

407
00:24:46,681 --> 00:24:48,637
Ha! No!

408
00:24:49,801 --> 00:24:51,519
No! No! No!

409
00:24:51,761 --> 00:24:54,673
No! No! No!

410
00:24:54,801 --> 00:24:56,837
No! No!

411
00:24:56,961 --> 00:24:58,792
No!

412
00:25:00,601 --> 00:25:02,557
(howls)

413
00:25:20,281 --> 00:25:22,556
Bravo!

414
00:25:25,281 --> 00:25:27,511
(cheering)

415
00:25:31,761 --> 00:25:33,353
Bravo!

416
00:25:33,481 --> 00:25:36,712
So much rage!
So much anger!

417
00:25:36,841 --> 00:25:42,438
It was at this moment that I realised
I had found the man for my next project.

418
00:25:42,561 --> 00:25:44,313
He was the one.

419
00:25:46,081 --> 00:25:48,959
- What's going on?
- Bollo's helping me put my trousers on.

420
00:25:49,081 --> 00:25:53,518
Oh, right. I just want to say I'm leaving.
Jurgen's ofered me the part in his project.

421
00:25:53,641 --> 00:25:55,871
I won't be coming back.
Are you gonna be OK?

422
00:25:56,001 --> 00:25:58,231
I'll be fine.
I'm not going back to the shop.

423
00:25:58,361 --> 00:26:01,797
Once I get these on,
I'm going all the way with The Black Tubes.

424
00:26:01,921 --> 00:26:05,072
- OK. I'll send you a postcard.
- I'll send you a postcard.

425
00:26:05,201 --> 00:26:07,396
- See you later, losers.
- (Bollo grunts)

426
00:26:07,521 --> 00:26:10,513
Come on, Bollo.
We're almost there. (groans)

427
00:26:13,681 --> 00:26:15,637
Come on.

428
00:26:15,761 --> 00:26:19,390
One more.
We're almost in.

429
00:26:19,521 --> 00:26:21,273
- (zip)
- We've done it.

430
00:26:21,401 --> 00:26:23,392
(sighs)

431
00:26:23,521 --> 00:26:25,591
Oh, my God.

432
00:26:25,721 --> 00:26:28,599
- What? What's wrong?
- Uh... nothing.

433
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:34,233
All right. Without further ado,
let's welcome to the stage

434
00:26:34,361 --> 00:26:37,990
Vince Noir
and The Black Tubes.

435
00:26:41,561 --> 00:26:43,517
(rock music)

436
00:26:50,001 --> 00:26:51,957
(feedback screeches)

437
00:26:55,761 --> 00:26:58,514
Unbelievable.
His legs aren't even that thin.

438
00:26:58,641 --> 00:27:01,155
(rock music)

439
00:27:05,201 --> 00:27:06,998
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

440
00:27:07,121 --> 00:27:10,193
- I thought you'd gone of to see Jurgen.
- What can I say?

441
00:27:10,321 --> 00:27:13,836
Jurgen ofered me money, fame,
international art-house acclaim,

442
00:27:13,961 --> 00:27:18,876
but I thought, "Do I need this?" And I realised
I've got everything I need right here.

443
00:27:19,001 --> 00:27:22,755
What would you do without me?
I'm irreplaceable. (chuckles)

444
00:27:22,881 --> 00:27:25,156
- Adam.
- Yeah?

445
00:27:26,161 --> 00:27:28,834
- He came back. You're fired.
- Hm.

446
00:27:28,961 --> 00:27:32,317
- (TV) # Windy Blast Fast
- Oh, my day, what's this?

447
00:27:32,441 --> 00:27:34,796
Hello.
I'm Jurgen Haabemaaster.

448
00:27:34,921 --> 00:27:38,231
- Yeah. Let's have the TV of, shall we?
- Easy. Hang on a sec.

449
00:27:38,361 --> 00:27:40,397
When I'm making
my avant-garde films,

450
00:27:40,521 --> 00:27:45,151
I can often suffer from the pain of
trapped wind. It can be very uncomfortable,

451
00:27:45,281 --> 00:27:49,274
like having an angry crab
scuttle from side to side in my tummy space.

452
00:27:49,761 --> 00:27:53,390
Aarghl I am the angry crab
of trapped windl

453
00:27:53,521 --> 00:27:56,035
Oohl Aarghl Oohl

454
00:27:56,161 --> 00:27:58,277
Oh, my sweet Lord.

455
00:27:58,401 --> 00:28:02,792
Are you the new face of trapped wind?
(laughs) Nice work, Howard.

456
00:28:02,921 --> 00:28:06,709
Blast away the pain
of trapped wind with these.

457
00:28:06,841 --> 00:28:08,115
Windy Blast Fast.

458
00:28:08,241 --> 00:28:11,711
(jingle) # Windy Blast Fast

459
00:28:11,841 --> 00:28:14,275
(Sammy) One, two, three, four.

460
00:28:16,761 --> 00:28:19,673
♪ I'm Sammy the Crab,
I'm Sammy the Crab

461
00:28:19,801 --> 00:28:22,395
♪ I'm Sammy, I'm Sammy the Crab,
I'm Sammy the Crab

462
00:28:22,641 --> 00:28:25,838
♪ I'm Sammy, I'm Sammy the Crab,
I'm Sammy, Sammy the Crab

463
00:28:25,961 --> 00:28:28,270
♪ One, two, three, four,
I'm Sammy

464
00:28:32,921 --> 00:28:35,879
♪ I'm Sammy the Crab,
I'm Sammy the Crab

465
00:28:36,001 --> 00:28:38,561
♪ I'm Sammy, I'm Sammy the Crab