1 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:11,645 In this picture there are 47 people. 2 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,348 None of them can be seen. 3 00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:16,484 In this film, we hope to show you... 4 00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:18,753 how not to be seen. 5 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:23,758 This is Mr. E. R. Bradshaw of Napier Court... 6 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,094 Blackline Road, London, SE 14. 7 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,497 He cannot be seen. 8 00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:31,565 Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. 9 00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:34,402 Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up, please? 10 00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:43,778 This demonstrates the value of not being seen. 11 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,715 In this picture, we cannot see Mrs. B. J. Smegma... 12 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,785 of 13 The Crescent, Belmont. 13 00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:53,821 Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please? 14 00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:03,597 This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow, Newtown. 15 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,734 Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please? 16 00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:14,608 Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: 17 00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:17,178 not to stand up. 18 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,715 However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. 19 00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:27,321 Mr. E. W. Lambert of Homely, The Burrows, Oswald Street... 20 00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,890 has presented us with a poser. 21 00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:32,760 We do not know which bush he is behind. 22 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,096 But we can soon find out. 23 00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,308 Yes. lt was the middle one. 24 00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,778 Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull... 25 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:53,381 chose a very cunning way of not being seen. 26 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:57,151 When we called at their house, we found they had gone on two weeks holiday. 27 00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,287 However, a neighbor told us where they were. 28 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:05,760 And here is the neighbor who told us where they were. 29 00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,666 And here is where he lived. 30 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,236 And this is where he was born. 31 00:02:31,886 --> 00:02:33,554 And now for something completely different. 32 00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:32,480 Oh. Good evening. 33 00:03:33,014 --> 00:03:34,749 Ladies and gentlemen ... 34 00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:39,420 we apologize that the feature was not quite as long as we'd anticipated. 35 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,456 Therefore, there will be a short interval. 36 00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:51,666 ln the meantime, we are pleased to be able to show you a short film... 37 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,969 starring a man with a tape recorder up his nose. 38 00:04:29,070 --> 00:04:31,939 And now... And now a film starring a man... 39 00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:35,109 with a tape recorder up his brother's nose. 40 00:05:00,935 --> 00:05:02,903 And now in stereo 41 00:05:23,958 --> 00:05:26,093 Thank you. That is the end of the interval. 42 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,496 Will you kindly return to your seats? 43 00:05:29,030 --> 00:05:31,766 We will now be proceeding with the program as advertised. 44 00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:38,339 Darling, you were wonderful. 45 00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:40,641 Oh, really? 46 00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:45,379 In 1971 the British Empire lay in ruins. 47 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,517 Foreigners frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians. 48 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,219 Not the streets. The foreign nationals. 49 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:56,924 Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists ' to buy cigarettes. 50 00:05:57,992 --> 00:05:59,960 There you are, sir. Thank you. 51 00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:06,834 Good morning, guy. 52 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,972 "I will not buy this record. It is scratched". 53 00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:14,442 I'm sorry? 54 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:18,012 l will not buy this record. lt is scratched.'" 55 00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:21,782 Oh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's. 56 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:23,818 Tobaccon ist's. 57 00:06:26,187 --> 00:06:28,956 "I will not buy this tobacconist's. lt is scratched". 58 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:32,093 No. Tobacco. Um, cigarettes. 59 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:33,894 Ci garettes? 60 00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:41,402 - "My hovercraft is full of eels". - What? 61 00:06:42,203 --> 00:06:44,705 ""My hovercraft is fuIl of eels.'" 62 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,943 - Ah, matches. - Yeah ! Matches. 63 00:06:51,312 --> 00:06:53,347 - "Do you want..." - "Do you want". 64 00:06:53,948 --> 00:06:55,149 Want. 65 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:59,387 "Do you want to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy". 66 00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,089 That'll be six shillings, please. 67 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:06,627 "lf l said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?'" 68 00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,563 "l am no longer infected.' 69 00:07:10,131 --> 00:07:11,666 May I? 70 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,202 Costs six shillings. 71 00:07:24,979 --> 00:07:26,180 Help! 72 00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:45,366 - What's all this. then? - "You have beautiful thighs". 73 00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:47,535 - What? - He hit me. 74 00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,905 "Drop your panties, Sir Arthur. l can not wait till lunchtime!" 75 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,508 - Right! - ""Oh, my nipples explode with delight!'" 76 00:07:55,276 --> 00:07:57,311 The Hungarian gentleman was subsequently released... 77 00:07:57,912 --> 00:08:00,915 but his information led to the arrest and trial of the real culprit. 78 00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:02,750 l am. 79 00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:05,486 You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May... 80 00:08:06,187 --> 00:08:08,389 you did will fully and with malice aforethought... 81 00:08:09,023 --> 00:08:11,459 publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book... 82 00:08:12,126 --> 00:08:14,595 with intent to cause a breach of the peace. 83 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,932 - How do you plead? - Not guilty. 84 00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:21,135 Mr. York, on the 28th of May... 85 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:24,638 - you published this phrase book. - l did. 86 00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:28,075 With Your Lordship's permission, l would like to quote an example. 87 00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:32,646 The Hungarian phrase meaning, "Can you direct me to the railway station?"... 88 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,150 is here translated by the English phrase... 89 00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:38,819 "Please fondle my buttocks.'" 90 00:08:43,124 --> 00:08:44,925 "Please fondle... 91 00:08:45,459 --> 00:08:47,228 ... my buttocks". 92 00:08:47,762 --> 00:08:49,296 Ah, yes. lt's past the post office... 93 00:08:49,764 --> 00:08:51,766 200 yards down and then left at the light. 94 00:08:56,137 --> 00:08:58,773 Left at lights. 95 00:10:02,403 --> 00:10:04,071 Meanwhile, not far away... 96 00:10:04,538 --> 00:10:08,042 Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey were about to enter an unfamiliar office. 97 00:10:09,010 --> 00:10:10,211 Next. 98 00:10:34,268 --> 00:10:37,538 Oh. Are you the marriage guidance counselor? 99 00:10:38,406 --> 00:10:40,808 - Yes. Good morning. - Morning. 100 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:47,314 And... good morning to you, madam. 101 00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:53,621 - Name? - Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey. 102 00:10:56,624 --> 00:11:00,628 And what is the name of your... ravishing wife? 103 00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,631 Wait. Don't tell me. 104 00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:07,001 lt's... lt's something to do with moonlight. 105 00:11:08,803 --> 00:11:10,671 Goes with her eyes. 106 00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,940 lt's soft and gentle... 107 00:11:13,441 --> 00:11:15,376 warm and yielding. 108 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,478 Deeply lyrical, and yet... 109 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:20,715 tender and frightened, like a tiny, white rabbit. 110 00:11:21,449 --> 00:11:22,917 It's Dierdre. 111 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,289 What a beautiful name. 112 00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:32,159 What a beautiful... 113 00:11:33,828 --> 00:11:35,396 beautiful name. 114 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,169 And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage, Mr. Putey? 115 00:11:42,837 --> 00:11:45,139 lt started when we went to Brighton on holiday together. 116 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:48,175 Dierdre - that's my wife - and l, we've always been cIose companions... 117 00:11:48,843 --> 00:11:51,245 and l never particuIarly anticipated any marital strife. 118 00:11:51,946 --> 00:11:54,048 The very idea of consulting a professional marital advisor... 119 00:11:54,648 --> 00:11:56,250 has always been of the greatest repugnance to me. 120 00:11:56,751 --> 00:12:00,354 Although, far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or... 121 00:12:01,322 --> 00:12:02,857 or profession. 122 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:08,562 - Do go on. - We've always been close companions... 123 00:12:09,330 --> 00:12:12,333 sharing the interests, the gardening, the holiday money. 124 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:16,270 Twice a month of an evening, we settle down to do the accounts together... 125 00:12:17,138 --> 00:12:20,074 something which Dierdre - that's my wife - 126 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,244 and I particularly look forward to on account of her feet. 127 00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:27,081 l should have said at the start that I noted for having a grand sense of humor. 128 00:12:27,882 --> 00:12:31,152 Although l've kept myself very much to myself over the last couple of years. 129 00:12:32,053 --> 00:12:35,056 lt"s only been as comparativeIy recently as recently that l've begun to realize-- 130 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,958 Well, perhaps "realize" is too strong a word. 131 00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:42,797 Uh, imagine that, uh, l was not the only thing in her life. 132 00:12:43,898 --> 00:12:45,633 You suspected your wife? 133 00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:47,301 Wel I... 134 00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:51,872 frankly, yes. 135 00:12:52,473 --> 00:12:54,241 A bit. 136 00:12:54,709 --> 00:12:56,711 Her behavior did seem to me-- 137 00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,847 Her behavior did seem to me. who was there to see... 138 00:13:00,548 --> 00:13:02,583 to be a little odd. 139 00:13:03,184 --> 00:13:04,452 - Odd? - To an extent. 140 00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,754 l'm not by nature a suspicious person. 141 00:13:07,321 --> 00:13:10,458 l've got a reputation of an after-dinner speaker, if you get my meaning. 142 00:13:11,325 --> 00:13:12,526 l certainly do. 143 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:15,663 And in the area where people know me, l"m very well known. 144 00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:18,466 - Fine. Would you-- - Certainly. 145 00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:21,469 lt was time to face the facts, stop beating about the bush... 146 00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:24,338 or l'd never be able to look myself in the bathroom mirror again. 147 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:28,342 WouId you mind running along for 10-- make it 20 minutes. All right? 148 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:31,245 Yes. l"ll wait outside, shall l? 149 00:13:35,750 --> 00:13:38,619 Yes, that-that"s perhaps the best thing. 150 00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:42,757 Certainly set my mind at rest on one or two scores there. 151 00:14:00,408 --> 00:14:01,876 Arthur Putey! 152 00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:06,313 Are you a man or a mouse? 153 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,317 You've been running too long, Arthur Putey. 154 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:14,188 lt's time to stop, time to turn and fight like a man. 155 00:14:15,289 --> 00:14:17,358 Go back in there, Arthur Putey. 156 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:21,362 Go back in there and pull your finger out. 157 00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:24,665 Yes! Yes, you're right 158 00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:27,568 This is it, Arthur Putey! 159 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,871 This is your moment, Arthur Putey! 160 00:14:31,605 --> 00:14:34,108 At last you're a man! 161 00:14:39,447 --> 00:14:41,282 Come out of there. Dierdre! l know you're in there 162 00:14:41,816 --> 00:14:43,918 - Go away! - Righto. 163 00:15:12,046 --> 00:15:13,948 Oh, what a lovely little 164 00:15:24,325 --> 00:15:26,227 Oh, what a lovely little-- 165 00:15:37,038 --> 00:15:39,940 - Oh, what a loveIy little-- - Stop itl Stop right therel 166 00:15:40,741 --> 00:15:43,944 This is absolutely disgusting, and lm not going to stand for itl 167 00:15:44,845 --> 00:15:46,414 There. Kill 168 00:16:45,373 --> 00:16:48,509 Cut! That's it. We're not going to allow this sort of smut on the screen. 169 00:16:49,310 --> 00:16:51,812 This depraved and degrading spectacle is going to stop right now. 170 00:16:52,546 --> 00:16:55,383 - Do you hear me? Stop it! - Damn l Just when it was getting good. 171 00:17:03,624 --> 00:17:05,192 Evening, squire. 172 00:17:18,439 --> 00:17:19,540 You married? 173 00:17:20,941 --> 00:17:23,577 - Yes. - l"m a bachelor myself. 174 00:17:24,312 --> 00:17:26,280 ls-- Is your wife a goer? 175 00:17:26,814 --> 00:17:28,516 Eh? Know what l mean? Nudge, nudge. 176 00:17:28,983 --> 00:17:30,951 - Know what I mean? Say no more. - l beg your pardon? 177 00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:35,323 Your wife, does she go? Eh? Know what l mean? Does she go? 178 00:17:36,324 --> 00:17:38,426 - She sometimes goes. - l'Il bet she does. 179 00:17:39,026 --> 00:17:41,362 Say no more. Know what l mean? Nudge, nudge. 180 00:17:41,996 --> 00:17:44,298 - l'm afraid l don't quite folIow you. - Follow me 181 00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:48,302 That's good. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 182 00:17:49,203 --> 00:17:52,640 - Look, are you selling something? - Selling. Selling. Very good. 183 00:17:53,541 --> 00:17:55,309 Know what l mean? 184 00:17:55,843 --> 00:17:58,479 Oh, wicked You"re wicked, eh ? Nudge, nudge. 185 00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:01,582 A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 186 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,986 - But... - Your wife a sport, eh? 187 00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,923 - She likes sport, yes. - l bet she does. 188 00:18:09,824 --> 00:18:11,425 She's very fond of cricket. 189 00:18:11,859 --> 00:18:14,061 Who isn't, eh? Likes games. 190 00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:16,664 Knew she would. Who doesn't. eh? 191 00:18:17,231 --> 00:18:18,833 She's been around a bit. eh? 192 00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:20,935 She's traveled. She's from Purley. 193 00:18:21,402 --> 00:18:23,537 Oh! Say no more. 194 00:18:26,674 --> 00:18:28,342 Know what l mean? Say no more. 195 00:18:31,345 --> 00:18:34,582 Your wife interested in, uh, photography, eh? 196 00:18:35,449 --> 00:18:38,252 "Photographs, eh?" he asked him knowingly. 197 00:18:39,053 --> 00:18:41,689 - Photography? - Yeah . Snap. Grin. Wink. Nudge. 198 00:18:42,390 --> 00:18:45,192 - Holiday stamps? - Could be taken on holiday. CouId be. 199 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,162 Swimming costumes. Nudge, nudge. 200 00:18:48,796 --> 00:18:51,766 - Candid photography. - No. l'm afraid we don't have a camera. 201 00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:54,135 Oh. Still. 202 00:18:58,939 --> 00:19:00,775 Look, are you trying to insinuate something? 203 00:19:04,245 --> 00:19:06,380 - Yes. - Well? 204 00:19:06,981 --> 00:19:09,250 Well, l mean, you're a man of the world, aren't ya? 205 00:19:09,917 --> 00:19:12,920 l mean, you know, you've, uh... you've been around. You've been there. 206 00:19:13,754 --> 00:19:16,390 - What do you mean? - Well, you know, you've... 207 00:19:17,091 --> 00:19:19,160 You've done it, uh, with a lady. 208 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,096 - You've slept with a lady. - Yes. 209 00:19:23,831 --> 00:19:24,899 What's it like? 210 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,269 Well, l think it's overrated. 211 00:19:30,137 --> 00:19:31,706 Shut up, you ! 212 00:19:33,941 --> 00:19:36,444 - Good evening, class! - Good evening. 213 00:19:37,111 --> 00:19:39,113 - Where's all the others, then? - They're not here. 214 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,183 l can see that! What's the matter with 'em? 215 00:19:42,917 --> 00:19:44,552 - Don't know. - Perhaps they've got flu. 216 00:19:45,019 --> 00:19:47,621 Flu! They should eat more fresh fruit! 217 00:19:51,759 --> 00:19:54,161 Right! Now, self-defense! 218 00:19:54,829 --> 00:19:57,498 Tonight I shaIl be carryin' on from where we got to last week... 219 00:19:58,265 --> 00:20:01,869 when l was showin' you how to defend yourselves against anyone... 220 00:20:02,803 --> 00:20:06,007 who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit 221 00:20:08,209 --> 00:20:10,945 - You said we wouldn't do fruit again. - What do you mean? 222 00:20:11,679 --> 00:20:13,614 We've done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks. 223 00:20:14,148 --> 00:20:17,118 What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh? 224 00:20:17,952 --> 00:20:19,220 Can't we try something eIse? 225 00:20:19,620 --> 00:20:21,422 Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick. 226 00:20:21,956 --> 00:20:23,491 Pointed stick? 227 00:20:26,127 --> 00:20:29,864 We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? 228 00:20:30,831 --> 00:20:33,234 Gettin' all high and mighty, eh? 229 00:20:33,868 --> 00:20:36,203 Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? 230 00:20:37,872 --> 00:20:39,940 Well, let me telI you somethin', my lad! 231 00:20:40,541 --> 00:20:43,544 When you're walkin' home tonight and some great homicidal maniac... 232 00:20:44,345 --> 00:20:48,382 comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come cryin' to me! 233 00:20:49,483 --> 00:20:52,987 Right! And now the passion fruit. 234 00:20:53,888 --> 00:20:57,024 When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, like thus-- 235 00:20:57,858 --> 00:21:00,127 - We done the passion fruit. - What? 236 00:21:00,761 --> 00:21:04,165 - We've done the passion fruit. - We done oranges, apples, grapefruits... 237 00:21:05,099 --> 00:21:08,436 - Whole and segments. - Greengages, pomegranates. 238 00:21:09,370 --> 00:21:11,372 - Grapes, passion fruit. - Lemons. 239 00:21:11,939 --> 00:21:15,076 - Plums. - And mangoes in syrup. 240 00:21:15,910 --> 00:21:18,112 - How about cherries? - We done them. 241 00:21:18,713 --> 00:21:20,514 - Red and black? - Yes. 242 00:21:22,049 --> 00:21:23,617 All right, then. 243 00:21:26,554 --> 00:21:29,323 Bananas. We haven't done bananas, have we? 244 00:21:30,057 --> 00:21:31,892 - No. - Right! 245 00:21:32,393 --> 00:21:35,763 How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana! 246 00:21:36,697 --> 00:21:40,735 Catch. Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. 247 00:21:41,802 --> 00:21:44,705 First of all , you force him to drop the banana. 248 00:21:45,539 --> 00:21:48,542 Then you eat the banana, thus disarming him. 249 00:21:49,377 --> 00:21:50,911 You have now rendered him helpless! 250 00:21:51,379 --> 00:21:53,781 - Suppose he's got a bunch. - Shut up. 251 00:21:54,415 --> 00:21:56,884 - Suppose he's got a pointed stick. - Shut up! 252 00:21:58,586 --> 00:22:00,421 Right! Now you, Mr. Apricot 253 00:22:00,921 --> 00:22:03,024 - Harrison. - Sorry. Mr. Harrison. 254 00:22:03,624 --> 00:22:05,226 Come at me with that banana. 255 00:22:05,726 --> 00:22:09,430 Be as vicious as you Iike with it. Come on. Attack me! 256 00:22:10,431 --> 00:22:12,566 No, no, no! Put something into it, for God's... 257 00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:15,102 Hold the banana like that. 258 00:22:15,670 --> 00:22:17,638 That's better. Now scream. 259 00:22:18,239 --> 00:22:20,107 Good. Right. Now attack me. 260 00:22:20,608 --> 00:22:22,610 Come on, man , attack me! 261 00:22:27,248 --> 00:22:29,183 Next, l eat the banana. 262 00:22:32,853 --> 00:22:34,955 Now, l would just like to point out... 263 00:22:35,589 --> 00:22:38,926 that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become silly. 264 00:22:39,827 --> 00:22:43,197 Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than l do. 265 00:22:44,131 --> 00:22:47,335 Except, perhaps, my wife and some of her friends. 266 00:22:48,202 --> 00:22:49,637 Oh , yes, and Captain John son. 267 00:22:50,104 --> 00:22:52,406 Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than l do. 268 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,610 But that's beside the point. l'm warning this film not to get siIly again. 269 00:22:57,611 --> 00:23:01,282 Right. Now, Director, on the command "Cut'"... 270 00:23:02,283 --> 00:23:04,118 cut to the next scene. 271 00:23:04,652 --> 00:23:07,154 - Director... - This is a frightened city. 272 00:23:07,822 --> 00:23:09,890 Wait for itl 273 00:23:10,491 --> 00:23:12,360 Director, cut! 274 00:23:12,994 --> 00:23:15,062 This is a frightened city. 275 00:23:15,663 --> 00:23:18,966 Over these streets, over these houses, hangs a pall of fear. 276 00:23:19,834 --> 00:23:22,803 An ugly kind of violence is rife, stalking the town. 277 00:23:26,674 --> 00:23:30,211 Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking fit, defenseless young men. 278 00:23:54,035 --> 00:23:56,103 They just come up to you and push you, like. 279 00:23:56,704 --> 00:24:00,141 Shove you off the pavement. There's usually about four or five of them. 280 00:24:01,042 --> 00:24:03,844 Yeah, sometimes it's three or four of them. 281 00:24:04,612 --> 00:24:07,682 lt's not even safe to go out down to the shops anymore. 282 00:24:09,617 --> 00:24:13,220 Grannies are no respecter of race, creed or sex. 283 00:24:14,221 --> 00:24:16,257 Theirs is a harsh. ruthless world... 284 00:24:16,857 --> 00:24:19,994 a tough world, a world in which the surgical stocking is king. 285 00:24:22,129 --> 00:24:24,365 But what are they in it for, these senile delinquents... 286 00:24:25,032 --> 00:24:26,934 these layabouts in lace? 287 00:24:27,435 --> 00:24:30,004 - Oh, the violence. - The prestige, mainly. 288 00:24:30,738 --> 00:24:33,407 - The free gifts. - Poking the knee in the groin. 289 00:24:34,141 --> 00:24:36,043 We like pulling the heads off sheep. 290 00:24:36,577 --> 00:24:38,879 And tea cakes. 291 00:24:39,547 --> 00:24:42,283 We have a Iot of trouble with grannies. Pension day i s the worst. 292 00:24:43,050 --> 00:24:44,552 Soon as they get it, they blow the lot... 293 00:24:44,986 --> 00:24:47,722 on milk, tea, sugar, a tin of meat for their cat. 294 00:24:48,489 --> 00:24:50,858 The whole crux of the problem, uh... 295 00:24:51,559 --> 00:24:53,961 lies in the basic dissatisfaction... 296 00:24:54,595 --> 00:24:57,798 of these senile delinquents with the world as they find it. 297 00:24:58,666 --> 00:25:01,335 They begin to question, uh, the values of their society. 298 00:25:02,103 --> 00:25:03,904 They see their sons and daughters growing up... 299 00:25:04,438 --> 00:25:07,875 to become accountants, uh, soIicitors, sociologists even. 300 00:25:08,776 --> 00:25:11,145 And they begin to wonder, "ls it all worth it? ls it all..." 301 00:25:23,524 --> 00:25:26,661 Another prime target for vandalism is telephone boxes. 302 00:25:30,297 --> 00:25:31,866 But mostly, they just live for kicks. 303 00:25:45,813 --> 00:25:48,082 But there are other kinds of violence abroad... 304 00:25:48,716 --> 00:25:50,685 other gangs, equally vicious, equally determined... 305 00:25:51,285 --> 00:25:52,820 such as the baby snatchers. 306 00:25:57,325 --> 00:25:59,293 Hey What is this? 307 00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:01,595 Hey! Help ! 308 00:26:02,129 --> 00:26:05,299 l left him outside for a few moments while l got some Brillo Pads. 309 00:26:06,167 --> 00:26:09,136 When l came back, he was gone. He was only 48! 310 00:26:09,971 --> 00:26:12,907 And also vicious gangs of "Keep Left" signs. 311 00:26:19,647 --> 00:26:21,182 Right! Stop that! 312 00:26:21,649 --> 00:26:23,818 lt's silly. Very silly, indeed. 313 00:26:24,418 --> 00:26:27,421 lt started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men ... 314 00:26:28,255 --> 00:26:30,057 but now it's just got silly. 315 00:26:30,558 --> 00:26:32,226 His hair's too long for a vicar too. 316 00:26:32,693 --> 00:26:36,364 And you can tell those are not proper "Keep Left" signs. Clear off, everyone! 317 00:26:37,365 --> 00:26:38,899 You, come with me. 318 00:26:42,837 --> 00:26:46,774 Right. Now Iet's see something decent and military: some precision drilling. 319 00:26:47,842 --> 00:26:50,444 Squad! Camp it up! 320 00:26:52,213 --> 00:26:53,814 Ooh, get her! Whoops! 321 00:26:54,248 --> 00:26:58,452 l've got your number, but you couldn't afford me, dear, two, three. 322 00:26:59,553 --> 00:27:01,555 l'll scratch your eyes out. 323 00:27:02,089 --> 00:27:04,859 Don't come the bigger dear bitch with us. dear. 324 00:27:05,593 --> 00:27:09,063 We all know where you've been, you military fairy, two, three. 325 00:27:10,031 --> 00:27:12,233 One, two, three, four, five, six. 326 00:27:12,867 --> 00:27:14,802 Whoops! Don't look now, girls. 327 00:27:15,369 --> 00:27:18,105 The maid is just mince in that jolIy color, Sergeant. 328 00:27:18,873 --> 00:27:20,541 Two, three. Ooh ! 329 00:27:22,276 --> 00:27:24,345 Right! Stop that. Silly. 330 00:27:24,912 --> 00:27:27,682 And a bit suspect, l think. Time for a cartoon. 331 00:27:29,784 --> 00:27:31,585 Once upon a time... 332 00:27:32,086 --> 00:27:34,221 there was an enchanted prince... 333 00:27:34,822 --> 00:27:37,158 who ruled the land beyond the Wobbles. 334 00:27:39,894 --> 00:27:43,898 One day he discovered a spot on his face. 335 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,535 Foolishly, he ignored it. 336 00:27:48,069 --> 00:27:51,138 And three years later, he died of cancer. 337 00:27:51,939 --> 00:27:53,507 The spot, however, flourished... 338 00:27:53,941 --> 00:27:56,310 and soon set out to seek its fortune. 339 00:28:31,445 --> 00:28:34,015 Agnes, did you just see who moved in next door? 340 00:28:34,682 --> 00:28:37,151 Yes. Black as the ace of spades, they were. 341 00:28:37,818 --> 00:28:40,121 Oh, well, there goes the neighborhood. 342 00:28:40,788 --> 00:28:42,323 Oh, yes. 343 00:29:02,677 --> 00:29:04,245 Next, please. 344 00:29:07,548 --> 00:29:09,116 One at a time, please. 345 00:29:11,018 --> 00:29:12,653 There is only me, sir. 346 00:29:18,359 --> 00:29:20,561 So there is. Take a, um... 347 00:29:22,663 --> 00:29:25,066 - Seat? - Seat. Take a seat. 348 00:29:25,700 --> 00:29:28,736 So, you want to join my mountaineering expedition, do you? 349 00:29:31,105 --> 00:29:33,274 Who, me, sir? 350 00:29:33,874 --> 00:29:36,544 - Yes, l'd very much like to, sir. - Jolly good. 351 00:29:38,245 --> 00:29:39,814 And how about you ? 352 00:29:41,515 --> 00:29:43,718 There is onIy me, sir. 353 00:29:49,924 --> 00:29:52,793 WeIl, bang goes his application then. 354 00:29:53,594 --> 00:29:56,030 Now, let me fill you in. l'm leading this expedition... 355 00:29:56,731 --> 00:30:00,034 and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro. 356 00:30:00,935 --> 00:30:03,170 l thought there was only one peak, sir. 357 00:30:15,916 --> 00:30:18,886 Well. that l save a bit of time. Well done. 358 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,023 Now, the object of this year's expedition... 359 00:30:22,623 --> 00:30:25,493 is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition. 360 00:30:26,260 --> 00:30:28,562 - Last year's expedition? - Yes. My brother was leading that. 361 00:30:29,230 --> 00:30:31,966 They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks. 362 00:30:38,239 --> 00:30:39,807 My idea, l'm afraid. 363 00:30:40,274 --> 00:30:42,810 l ought to telI you that l have almost everyone l need for this expedition. 364 00:30:43,511 --> 00:30:45,746 But what special qualifications do you have? 365 00:30:46,414 --> 00:30:48,482 - Well, sir... - Yes, you first. 366 00:30:49,083 --> 00:30:50,885 - There is only me, sir. - l wasn't talking to you. 367 00:30:51,419 --> 00:30:54,689 - Carry on. - l'm a fully qualified mountaineer. 368 00:30:57,358 --> 00:30:58,893 Mountaineer? 369 00:31:04,598 --> 00:31:06,834 Mouse. Moun... 370 00:31:07,468 --> 00:31:11,138 Mountaineer: two men skilled at climbing a mountain. 371 00:31:12,139 --> 00:31:14,241 By Jove, that'd be useful. 372 00:31:14,809 --> 00:31:17,411 Well, you're in. Congratulations. 373 00:31:18,145 --> 00:31:20,414 Both of you . Now, what are your names? 374 00:31:21,015 --> 00:31:22,583 Arthur Wilson. 375 00:31:25,319 --> 00:31:26,454 Well, look. 376 00:31:26,821 --> 00:31:29,490 l'll call you Arthur Wilson One and you Arthur Wilson Two... 377 00:31:30,191 --> 00:31:31,759 just to avoid confusion . 378 00:31:32,193 --> 00:31:33,961 Are you actually leading this expedition? 379 00:31:34,495 --> 00:31:36,731 Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa. 380 00:31:37,331 --> 00:31:40,101 - What routes wilI you both be following? - Good questions. 381 00:31:40,835 --> 00:31:43,871 We'll be leaving on one or other of the January the 22... 382 00:31:44,672 --> 00:31:46,440 and taking the following routes: 383 00:31:46,974 --> 00:31:48,976 from Manchesters, down through Oxfords... 384 00:31:49,510 --> 00:31:51,912 taking the M1.5 through Londons to Purleys... 385 00:31:52,546 --> 00:31:54,982 then the A25s from Purleys to Dovers. 386 00:31:55,683 --> 00:31:57,885 Thence Africas to Nairobis. 387 00:31:58,519 --> 00:32:02,223 We take the south roads out of Nairobis for about 12 miles and then ask. 388 00:32:03,190 --> 00:32:05,693 - Does anyone speak Swahili? - Most of them do down there. 389 00:32:06,394 --> 00:32:08,696 No. Does anyone in our party speak SwahiIi, sir? 390 00:32:09,363 --> 00:32:11,632 - WeIl, Matron's got a smattering. - Apart from the two Matrons. 391 00:32:12,266 --> 00:32:14,201 Good Lord. I forgot about her. 392 00:32:14,735 --> 00:32:16,804 Apart from them, who else is coming on our expedition ? 393 00:32:17,405 --> 00:32:19,974 Well, we've got the Arthur Brown twins... 394 00:32:20,708 --> 00:32:23,544 two botanists called Madchen, the William Johnston brothers... 395 00:32:24,345 --> 00:32:26,747 - Two of them. - Four. Pair of identical twins. 396 00:32:27,381 --> 00:32:29,650 Two of the Harry Baker quads and you two. 397 00:32:30,918 --> 00:32:33,554 - And none of these are mountaineers? - Well, you two are. 398 00:32:34,255 --> 00:32:36,424 And we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blankensoft... 399 00:32:37,058 --> 00:32:39,727 because Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. 400 00:32:40,428 --> 00:32:42,930 Most of it's up, till we reach the very top... 401 00:32:43,631 --> 00:32:45,700 and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. 402 00:32:46,300 --> 00:32:49,203 But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up. Jimmy 403 00:32:51,605 --> 00:32:54,175 Jimmy Blankensoft, Arthur Wilson. Arthur Wilson , Jimmy Blankensoft. 404 00:32:54,909 --> 00:32:56,210 Jimmy Blankensoft Two, Arthur Wilson Two. 405 00:32:56,577 --> 00:32:58,412 Arthur Wilson Two, Jimmy Blankensoft One. 406 00:32:58,913 --> 00:33:01,582 - Carry on, Jimmy. - Don't worry about the... 407 00:33:02,316 --> 00:33:04,118 We'lI get him up, all right. 408 00:33:10,925 --> 00:33:14,629 Well, l'd better describe the route. We start off simply up Kilimanjaro... 409 00:33:18,265 --> 00:33:20,334 Quite simple. No problem there, basically. 410 00:33:20,935 --> 00:33:24,438 And then we go on to the main face itself of Kilimanjaro. 411 00:33:25,406 --> 00:33:27,341 lt's a bit difficult here because... 412 00:33:32,279 --> 00:33:34,215 There's a difficult bit 'round here when you've got to go... 413 00:33:34,782 --> 00:33:37,551 from the end of the mantel-piece onto the coffee table. 414 00:33:38,285 --> 00:33:40,755 lt's a bit of a difficuIt jump. We don't need those. 415 00:33:41,455 --> 00:33:44,392 Then you've got the rail up here, which is quite a good fortune. 416 00:33:45,192 --> 00:33:48,562 There's a terribly easy bit over the floor up onto the chair. 417 00:33:49,463 --> 00:33:51,132 And then we've got... 418 00:33:53,301 --> 00:33:55,002 We get down. We go quite simplistic. 419 00:34:00,141 --> 00:34:01,809 He'll be Ieading the first assault. 420 00:34:02,310 --> 00:34:04,412 l'm afraid l shan't be coming on your expedition, sir... 421 00:34:05,012 --> 00:34:08,582 'cause l have absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it! 422 00:34:11,652 --> 00:34:12,853 Oh. dear. 423 00:34:14,956 --> 00:34:16,857 - What about you? - l'm game, sir. 424 00:34:17,358 --> 00:34:18,926 Jolly good. 425 00:34:21,896 --> 00:34:22,863 Good Lord! 426 00:34:50,858 --> 00:34:52,426 And now for something completely different. 427 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,695 - lnspector! - Yes, sir? 428 00:34:55,196 --> 00:34:57,298 l was sitting on a park bench and l put my coat down. 429 00:34:57,865 --> 00:35:01,302 When l picked it up, l found my wallet had gone and $15 had been stolen. 430 00:35:02,203 --> 00:35:05,039 - Did you see anyone? - No, no one at alI. 431 00:35:07,875 --> 00:35:10,077 Well, there's very littIe we can do about that, sir. 432 00:35:20,221 --> 00:35:22,223 Do you want to come back to my place? 433 00:35:27,128 --> 00:35:28,729 Yeah, alI right. 434 00:36:06,701 --> 00:36:09,036 And so Miss Spume returned to her typing... 435 00:36:09,704 --> 00:36:11,405 and dreamed her little dreamy dreams... 436 00:36:11,939 --> 00:36:15,242 unaware of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. 437 00:36:16,143 --> 00:36:18,112 For Miss Spume was about to fall victim... 438 00:36:18,679 --> 00:36:22,183 of the dreaded international Chinese communist conspiracy 439 00:36:23,117 --> 00:36:24,952 Yes, these fanatical fiends... 440 00:36:25,453 --> 00:36:28,422 under the leadership of the so-called Mao Tse-tung... 441 00:36:29,223 --> 00:36:32,660 had caught Miss Spume off guard for one brief but fatal moment... 442 00:36:36,163 --> 00:36:37,732 and destroyed her... 443 00:36:39,333 --> 00:36:42,103 just as they are ready to go anytime free men anywhere... 444 00:36:42,870 --> 00:36:45,106 waver in their defense of democracy. 445 00:36:55,182 --> 00:36:57,151 Once again, American defense... 446 00:36:57,685 --> 00:37:00,221 proves its effectiveness against international communism. 447 00:37:00,921 --> 00:37:03,591 Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country... 448 00:37:04,325 --> 00:37:06,260 we can see how international communism works... 449 00:37:06,827 --> 00:37:08,863 by eroding away from within. 450 00:37:14,335 --> 00:37:15,870 When one country, or tooth... 451 00:37:16,337 --> 00:37:20,141 falls victim to international communism, its neighbors soon follow. 452 00:37:21,175 --> 00:37:24,011 ln dentistry, this is known as the domino theory. 453 00:37:24,779 --> 00:37:28,516 But with American defense, the decay is stopped before it starts. 454 00:37:29,517 --> 00:37:33,421 That's why nine out of ten smalI countries choose American defense. 455 00:37:34,455 --> 00:37:37,925 Or Crelm toothpaste with the miracle ingredient Frauduline. 456 00:37:38,859 --> 00:37:40,962 The white car represents Crelm toothpaste... 457 00:37:41,529 --> 00:37:43,197 with the miracle ingredient Frauduline. 458 00:37:43,698 --> 00:37:46,334 The not-white car represents another toothpaste. 459 00:37:49,537 --> 00:37:51,605 Both cars provide 30% protection. 460 00:37:53,975 --> 00:37:56,277 At 60% protection, both cars are doing well. 461 00:37:58,546 --> 00:38:00,548 At 90% protection... Wait. 462 00:38:01,115 --> 00:38:02,516 The not-white car is out... 463 00:38:02,950 --> 00:38:06,020 and Crelm toothpaste goes on to win with 100% protection. 464 00:38:06,887 --> 00:38:09,056 Yes. do like all smart motorists. 465 00:38:09,657 --> 00:38:11,359 Choose Crelm toothpaste! 466 00:38:11,892 --> 00:38:15,463 Or Shrill petrol, with the new additive GLC-9424075... 467 00:38:16,430 --> 00:38:18,366 after 6:00 p.m., 9424047. 468 00:38:18,899 --> 00:38:21,035 Using this white card to represent engine deposits... 469 00:38:21,636 --> 00:38:25,573 and this black card to represent Shrill's new additive, GLC-9424075... 470 00:38:26,641 --> 00:38:28,643 after 6:00 p.m., 9424047... 471 00:38:29,243 --> 00:38:31,846 we can see how the engine deposits are pushed off the face of the earth... 472 00:38:32,580 --> 00:38:34,382 by the superior forces available to Sh-- 473 00:38:40,921 --> 00:38:42,323 This is the police. 474 00:38:42,757 --> 00:38:45,192 We know you're in there, so come out with your hands up. 475 00:38:45,860 --> 00:38:47,762 You'll never take me alive. copper! 476 00:38:48,296 --> 00:38:50,331 All right, then. Sergeant! 477 00:39:09,617 --> 00:39:12,353 Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth. 478 00:40:00,668 --> 00:40:04,405 Thank you, thank you, Conrad Poohs and His Exploding Teeth. 479 00:40:05,406 --> 00:40:08,309 A smile, two fangs and an "Excuse me". 480 00:40:09,110 --> 00:40:11,245 And next tonight, gentlemen and ladies... 481 00:40:11,846 --> 00:40:14,582 here at the Peephole Club for the very first time... 482 00:40:15,349 --> 00:40:16,884 we're very proud to welcome... 483 00:40:17,351 --> 00:40:20,621 Ken Ewing and His Musical Mice. 484 00:40:29,530 --> 00:40:31,165 Thank you, thank you. 485 00:40:31,632 --> 00:40:34,568 Ladies and gentlemen, l have in this box... 486 00:40:35,403 --> 00:40:37,371 23 white mice... 487 00:40:37,938 --> 00:40:40,675 mice which l have painstakingly trained... 488 00:40:41,442 --> 00:40:42,977 over the past few years... 489 00:40:43,444 --> 00:40:45,913 to squeak at a selected pitch. 490 00:40:47,715 --> 00:40:49,283 This one is "A"-Sharp... 491 00:40:49,717 --> 00:40:51,819 and th is one is "G.'" 492 00:40:52,420 --> 00:40:55,489 "G", "A"-Sharp. You get the general idea. 493 00:40:56,324 --> 00:40:59,660 Now, these mice are so arranged upon this rack... 494 00:41:00,561 --> 00:41:03,164 that when played in the correct order... 495 00:41:03,898 --> 00:41:05,299 they will squeak... 496 00:41:05,733 --> 00:41:08,102 "Three Blinded White Mice". 497 00:41:08,769 --> 00:41:11,472 Ladies and gentlemen, l give you, on the mouse organ... 498 00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:14,275 "Three Blinded White Mice". 499 00:41:14,842 --> 00:41:16,210 Thank you. 500 00:41:19,614 --> 00:41:21,782 - Oh, my God! - Somebody stop him. 501 00:41:45,806 --> 00:41:47,375 Ten seconds, studio. 502 00:41:49,810 --> 00:41:51,846 Stop him! Stop that bastard! 503 00:41:55,983 --> 00:41:59,253 Hello, and welcome to another edition of lt's the Arts. 504 00:42:00,154 --> 00:42:03,591 And we kick off this evening with a look at the cinema. 505 00:42:04,492 --> 00:42:07,995 One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed, of any age... 506 00:42:08,963 --> 00:42:11,932 is Sir Edward Ross, back in this country for the first time in five years... 507 00:42:12,733 --> 00:42:15,870 to open a season of his films at the National Film Theatre. 508 00:42:16,737 --> 00:42:19,674 And we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in the studio this evening. 509 00:42:20,508 --> 00:42:22,176 - Good evening. - Edward... 510 00:42:22,677 --> 00:42:24,645 - You don't mind if l call you Edward? - Not at all. 511 00:42:25,179 --> 00:42:27,081 lt does seem to worry some people. l'm not sure why. 512 00:42:27,648 --> 00:42:30,518 Some are sensitive, so l do take the precaution of asking on these occasions. 513 00:42:31,319 --> 00:42:34,155 - No, that's fine. - So Edward it is. Splendid. 514 00:42:34,922 --> 00:42:37,425 - l'm sorry to have brought it up. - No. Edward it is. 515 00:42:38,159 --> 00:42:40,328 Thank you very much for being so helpful. 516 00:42:40,928 --> 00:42:44,065 -At times it's more than my job's worth. -Quite. 517 00:42:44,932 --> 00:42:48,035 Makes it hard to establish a rapport, to put the other person at his ease. 518 00:42:48,903 --> 00:42:50,438 - Quite. - Quite. 519 00:42:50,905 --> 00:42:53,074 Silly little point, but it does seem to matter. 520 00:42:53,674 --> 00:42:57,278 Still Iess said the better. Ted, when you first went in the film... 521 00:42:58,245 --> 00:43:00,414 You don't mind if l call you Ted, as opposed to Edward? 522 00:43:01,015 --> 00:43:02,717 - No. Everyone caIls me Ted. - Splendid. 523 00:43:03,184 --> 00:43:05,453 - Because it's much shorter, isn't it? - Yes, it is. 524 00:43:06,087 --> 00:43:08,789 - Much Iess formal. - Ted, Edward, anything. 525 00:43:09,523 --> 00:43:11,525 Splendid. lncidentally, do call me Tom. 526 00:43:12,059 --> 00:43:14,428 l don't want you bothering with any of this "Thomas" nonsense. 527 00:43:17,965 --> 00:43:20,101 Fine. Where were we? Eddie baby, when you first... 528 00:43:20,701 --> 00:43:23,871 l'm sorry. l don't like being called Eddie baby. 529 00:43:24,705 --> 00:43:27,441 - l beg your pardon? - l don't like being called Eddie baby. 530 00:43:28,209 --> 00:43:29,844 Now get on with your interview. 531 00:43:31,412 --> 00:43:34,181 - Did l call you Eddie baby? - Yes, you did. 532 00:43:34,915 --> 00:43:37,385 l don't think l did. Did l call him Eddie baby? 533 00:43:38,085 --> 00:43:40,221 Yes, you did! 534 00:43:40,821 --> 00:43:42,723 l didn't call you Eddie baby, did l, sweetie? 535 00:43:43,257 --> 00:43:45,226 - Don't call me sweetie. - Can l call you sugar plum? 536 00:43:45,793 --> 00:43:47,028 - No! - Pussycat? 537 00:43:47,395 --> 00:43:49,263 - No! - Angel drawers? 538 00:43:49,764 --> 00:43:51,599 No, you may not. 539 00:43:52,133 --> 00:43:53,901 - Now get on with it. - Can l call you Frank? 540 00:43:56,304 --> 00:43:58,639 - Why Frank? - Frank's a nice name. 541 00:43:59,307 --> 00:44:01,609 President Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank. 542 00:44:02,243 --> 00:44:05,112 - What is going on? - Frank. Frankie. Fran. Frannie. 543 00:44:05,913 --> 00:44:08,616 - Little Frannie Boo. - That's it. l'm leaving. 544 00:44:09,350 --> 00:44:11,485 Had enough of this. l've never been so insulted. 545 00:44:12,119 --> 00:44:14,622 - Tell us about your film, Sir Edward. - What? 546 00:44:15,323 --> 00:44:18,592 Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind. 547 00:44:19,493 --> 00:44:22,463 - None of this pussycat nonsense? - Promise. 548 00:44:23,297 --> 00:44:24,865 Please. Sir Edward. 549 00:44:26,634 --> 00:44:28,202 - My latest film? - Yes, Sir Edward. 550 00:44:30,271 --> 00:44:34,375 I first had the idea, funniIy enough, when l joined the industry in 1919. 551 00:44:35,443 --> 00:44:37,545 Of course, in those days l was only a tea boy... 552 00:44:38,112 --> 00:44:39,580 Oh, shut up. 553 00:44:40,014 --> 00:44:41,782 - There he is! - Get him. 554 00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:55,429 Stop him! 555 00:44:56,063 --> 00:44:57,732 He's a murderer! 556 00:44:58,232 --> 00:45:00,501 Come back, you fiend! Fiend! 557 00:45:01,135 --> 00:45:02,703 He's a murderer! 558 00:46:26,053 --> 00:46:28,122 "The room is full of milkmen... 559 00:46:29,724 --> 00:46:32,226 some of whom are... 560 00:46:33,761 --> 00:46:36,797 are very old". 561 00:46:42,737 --> 00:46:44,739 This man is Ernest Scribbler... 562 00:46:45,306 --> 00:46:47,208 manufacturer of jokes. 563 00:46:47,742 --> 00:46:50,911 In a few moments he will think of the funniest joke in the world... 564 00:46:51,779 --> 00:46:54,915 and as a result he will die laughing. 565 00:47:38,326 --> 00:47:40,728 lt was obvious the joke was lethal. 566 00:47:41,395 --> 00:47:43,397 No one could read it and live. 567 00:47:43,998 --> 00:47:46,667 Scribbler's mother, alarmed by the unusual sounds of merriment... 568 00:47:47,401 --> 00:47:50,738 entered the room and found what was, apparently... 569 00:47:51,672 --> 00:47:53,240 a suicide note. 570 00:48:22,737 --> 00:48:24,305 The war against the Hun continues... 571 00:48:24,772 --> 00:48:26,741 and as Britain's brave boys battle against the Bosch... 572 00:48:27,341 --> 00:48:29,910 their leaders are on the lookout for new breakthroughs that could provide... 573 00:48:30,611 --> 00:48:32,947 the ultimate weapon in the war against the Hun. 574 00:48:35,516 --> 00:48:38,753 Here, ln this little house in Pinchley, they think maybe they've found it. 575 00:48:39,620 --> 00:48:42,990 lt's a joke so deadly, it could have Fritz"s forces falling about. 576 00:48:57,872 --> 00:48:59,573 Tests on Salisbury Plain confirm... 577 00:49:00,041 --> 00:49:03,177 the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards. 578 00:49:33,741 --> 00:49:36,110 Fantastic! 579 00:49:37,678 --> 00:49:39,847 All through the winter of '43... 580 00:49:40,481 --> 00:49:43,317 we had translators working in joke-proof conditions... 581 00:49:44,118 --> 00:49:47,421 to try and manufacture a German version of the joke. 582 00:49:48,322 --> 00:49:51,058 They worked on one word each for greater safety. 583 00:49:51,826 --> 00:49:55,463 One of them saw two words by mistake and had to spend several weeks in hospital. 584 00:49:56,430 --> 00:49:58,699 But apart from that, things went ahead pretty fast. 585 00:49:59,300 --> 00:50:01,335 And by January we had the joke in a form... 586 00:50:01,936 --> 00:50:05,106 which our troops couldn't understand, but which the Germans could. 587 00:50:05,940 --> 00:50:08,276 So on July the 8th, 1944... 588 00:50:08,943 --> 00:50:10,778 the joke was first told to the enemy... 589 00:50:11,279 --> 00:50:12,847 in the Ardennes. 590 00:50:14,649 --> 00:50:17,084 Squad, teIl the joke! 591 00:50:44,245 --> 00:50:46,113 ln action, it was deadly. 592 00:51:23,384 --> 00:51:25,052 The German casualties were appalling. 593 00:51:35,529 --> 00:51:38,065 lt was a fantastic success over 80,000 times as powerful... 594 00:51:38,766 --> 00:51:41,068 as Britain's great prewar joke, which was used at Munich... 595 00:51:41,669 --> 00:51:43,237 and one which Hitler couldn't match. 596 00:51:53,014 --> 00:51:55,750 l would like to apologize for the rather poor taste... 597 00:51:56,517 --> 00:51:58,052 of the previous item. 598 00:51:59,854 --> 00:52:01,555 And excuse me, please. 599 00:52:37,525 --> 00:52:39,060 Fleet Street, please. 600 00:52:40,528 --> 00:52:42,063 All right, everybody, stay close. 601 00:52:42,530 --> 00:52:44,198 Don't lag behind. Keep together, everybody. 602 00:52:44,699 --> 00:52:46,834 Remember. Watch out for the killer cars. 603 00:52:51,839 --> 00:52:53,341 Yes, the killer cars. 604 00:52:53,741 --> 00:52:57,745 For years the city had been plagued by ever-increasing pedestrian congestion. 605 00:52:58,846 --> 00:53:00,615 ln an attempt to eliminate this problem... 606 00:53:01,082 --> 00:53:02,917 certain fanatical cars... 607 00:53:03,417 --> 00:53:05,786 had taken the law into their own hands. 608 00:53:09,824 --> 00:53:11,792 But the days of the killer cars were numbered... 609 00:53:12,326 --> 00:53:15,062 thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation. 610 00:53:31,846 --> 00:53:34,148 Thank you! You've saved our city! 611 00:53:34,782 --> 00:53:36,317 But at what cost? 612 00:53:42,223 --> 00:53:45,059 Just then as it looked for certain, that the city was about to be eaten... 613 00:53:45,793 --> 00:53:48,562 the earth trembled and the sun was blotted out from the sky. 614 00:53:50,698 --> 00:53:52,833 Suddenly, swarms of giant bees filled the air... 615 00:53:53,434 --> 00:53:56,771 and 300 million armored horsemen covered with coats of 1,000 different colors... 616 00:53:57,705 --> 00:54:00,074 appeared at every street corner attacking the monster cat... 617 00:54:00,708 --> 00:54:02,543 in a scene of such spectacular proportions... 618 00:54:03,077 --> 00:54:06,047 that it could never in your life be seen in a low-budget film like this. 619 00:54:06,881 --> 00:54:08,683 lf you'd notice, my mouth isn't moving either. 620 00:54:09,216 --> 00:54:11,953 But just as the monster cat was starting to weaken... 621 00:54:12,653 --> 00:54:14,755 the earth split apart with a deafening roar and... 622 00:55:03,304 --> 00:55:05,373 Hello. l wish to register a complaint. 623 00:55:07,308 --> 00:55:09,744 - Hello. Miss? - What do you mean, "miss"? 624 00:55:11,712 --> 00:55:14,515 Oh, l'm sorry. l have a cold. l wish to make a complaint. 625 00:55:16,851 --> 00:55:18,586 Sorry. We're closing for lunch. 626 00:55:19,053 --> 00:55:21,656 Nevermind that, my lad. l wish to complain about this parrot... 627 00:55:22,390 --> 00:55:25,026 what l purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 628 00:55:25,726 --> 00:55:28,262 Oh, yes, the Norwegian blue. What's wrong with it? 629 00:55:28,996 --> 00:55:30,731 l'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 630 00:55:31,232 --> 00:55:33,467 lt's dead. That's what's wrong with it. 631 00:55:34,068 --> 00:55:36,304 No, it's resting. Look. 632 00:55:36,971 --> 00:55:40,641 Look, my Iad, l know a dead parrot when l see one and l'm looking at one now. 633 00:55:41,575 --> 00:55:43,444 No, that's not dead, it's resting. 634 00:55:44,011 --> 00:55:45,846 - Resting? - Yeah, resting. 635 00:55:46,380 --> 00:55:48,749 Remarkable bird, the Norwegian blue, isn't it? Beautiful plumage. 636 00:55:49,417 --> 00:55:52,687 The plumage don't enter into it. lt's still dead. 637 00:55:53,587 --> 00:55:55,189 No, it's resting. 638 00:55:56,924 --> 00:55:59,894 All right, then. lf it's resting, l'lI wake it up. 639 00:56:00,728 --> 00:56:01,996 Hello, Polly! 640 00:56:03,931 --> 00:56:07,735 l've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot! 641 00:56:08,769 --> 00:56:11,105 - There, he moved. - No, that was you pushing the cage. 642 00:56:11,772 --> 00:56:13,574 - l didn't. - Yes, you did 643 00:56:14,108 --> 00:56:15,710 Hello, Polly! 644 00:56:18,512 --> 00:56:20,081 Wakey, wakey! 645 00:56:22,183 --> 00:56:24,251 Rise and shine. 646 00:56:24,785 --> 00:56:27,021 This is your 9:00 alarm call. 647 00:56:32,593 --> 00:56:34,128 That's what l call a dead parrot. 648 00:56:35,563 --> 00:56:37,565 - No, he's stunned. - Stunned? 649 00:56:38,132 --> 00:56:40,101 Yeah, you stunned him just as he was wakin' up. 650 00:56:40,635 --> 00:56:43,304 - Norwegian blues stun easily. - l've had enough of this. 651 00:56:44,038 --> 00:56:47,308 That parrot is definitely deceased, and when l bought it a half hour ago... 652 00:56:48,209 --> 00:56:50,344 you assured me that its total lack of movement... 653 00:56:50,945 --> 00:56:54,615 was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squall. 654 00:56:55,616 --> 00:56:57,885 Well, he's pining for the fjords. 655 00:57:01,989 --> 00:57:05,526 Pinin' for the fjords? What kind of talk is that? 656 00:57:06,494 --> 00:57:09,263 Look, why did it faIl flat on its back the minute l got it home? 657 00:57:10,064 --> 00:57:13,234 Well, the Norwegian blue prefers keeping on its back. Beautiful plumage. 658 00:57:14,068 --> 00:57:17,405 Look, l took the liberty of examining that parrot and l discovered... 659 00:57:18,306 --> 00:57:21,275 the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place... 660 00:57:22,109 --> 00:57:24,612 was that it had been nailed there. 661 00:57:25,313 --> 00:57:26,847 Oh, well, of course it was nailed there. 662 00:57:27,315 --> 00:57:30,885 lf l hadn't nailed it there, it would have muscled up to those bars and boom. 663 00:57:31,852 --> 00:57:33,120 Look here mate. 664 00:57:34,589 --> 00:57:38,159 This parrot wouldn't boom if you put 4,000 volts through it. 665 00:57:39,093 --> 00:57:40,895 lt's bleedin' demised. 666 00:57:42,530 --> 00:57:44,098 No, it's pining. 667 00:57:44,532 --> 00:57:47,702 lt's not pining, it's passed on. 668 00:57:49,537 --> 00:57:51,439 This parrot is no more. 669 00:57:52,006 --> 00:57:53,908 lt has ceased to be. 670 00:57:54,442 --> 00:57:57,211 lt's expired and gone to see its maker. 671 00:57:57,979 --> 00:58:00,381 This is a late parrot! 672 00:58:01,983 --> 00:58:03,317 lt's a stiff. 673 00:58:03,718 --> 00:58:06,120 Bereft of Iife. lt rests in peace. 674 00:58:06,821 --> 00:58:10,057 If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. 675 00:58:10,891 --> 00:58:13,828 lt's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. 676 00:58:14,662 --> 00:58:18,532 This is an ex-parrot. 677 00:58:22,403 --> 00:58:24,205 Well. I'd better replace it then. 678 00:58:24,739 --> 00:58:26,974 lf you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain ... 679 00:58:27,575 --> 00:58:29,377 till you're blue in the mouth. 680 00:58:29,910 --> 00:58:31,646 Sorry, squire. We're right out of parrots. 681 00:58:32,179 --> 00:58:33,814 l see. l get the picture. 682 00:58:35,983 --> 00:58:38,986 - l've got a slug. - Does it talk? 683 00:58:41,255 --> 00:58:42,790 Not really. 684 00:58:43,257 --> 00:58:45,726 Well, it's scarcely a replacement then, is it? 685 00:58:49,096 --> 00:58:52,199 Listen. l didn't want to work in a pet shop. 686 00:58:53,067 --> 00:58:54,936 l wanted to be a lumberjack. 687 00:58:58,105 --> 00:58:59,640 Sorry. This is irrelevant. 688 00:59:00,107 --> 00:59:00,107 Yes, a lumberjack! 689 00:59:00,107 --> 00:59:02,143 Yes, a lumberjack! 690 00:59:02,743 --> 00:59:06,480 Leaping from trees as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. 691 00:59:07,448 --> 00:59:09,417 The giant redwood! 692 00:59:09,951 --> 00:59:11,619 The larch! 693 00:59:12,119 --> 00:59:14,956 The fir! The mighty Scotch pine! 694 00:59:15,756 --> 00:59:17,291 What about my bIoody parrot? 695 00:59:17,758 --> 00:59:20,127 The smell of fresh-cut timber! 696 00:59:20,795 --> 00:59:23,064 The crash of mighty trees. 697 00:59:23,731 --> 00:59:27,602 With my best girl by my side, we'd sing! 698 00:59:32,740 --> 00:59:34,775 I'm a lumberjack and l'm okay 699 00:59:35,376 --> 00:59:37,511 I sleep all night and I work all day 700 00:59:38,112 --> 00:59:40,014 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 701 00:59:40,548 --> 00:59:42,550 He sleeps all night and he works all day 702 00:59:43,117 --> 00:59:45,119 I cut down trees I eat my lunch 703 00:59:45,720 --> 00:59:47,688 l go to the lavatory 704 00:59:48,222 --> 00:59:50,124 On Wednesday I go shopping 705 00:59:50,658 --> 00:59:52,627 And have buttered scones for tea 706 00:59:53,160 --> 00:59:55,563 He cuts down trees He eats his lunch 707 00:59:56,230 --> 00:59:58,099 He goes to the lavatory 708 00:59:58,633 --> 01:00:00,534 On Wednesday he goes shopping 709 01:00:01,102 --> 01:00:03,437 And has buttered scones for tea 710 01:00:04,071 --> 01:00:06,040 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 711 01:00:06,607 --> 01:00:08,643 He sleeps all night and he works all day 712 01:00:09,176 --> 01:00:11,345 I cut down trees l skip and jump 713 01:00:11,979 --> 01:00:13,981 I like to press wild flowers 714 01:00:14,582 --> 01:00:16,651 l put on women's clothing 715 01:00:17,184 --> 01:00:19,320 And hang around in bars 716 01:00:19,954 --> 01:00:22,089 He cuts down trees He skips and jumps 717 01:00:22,690 --> 01:00:24,558 He likes to press wild flowers 718 01:00:25,092 --> 01:00:27,094 He puts on women's clothing 719 01:00:27,662 --> 01:00:29,964 And hangs around in bars 720 01:00:30,598 --> 01:00:32,566 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 721 01:00:33,134 --> 01:00:35,169 He sleeps all night and he works all day 722 01:00:35,770 --> 01:00:37,972 I cut down trees l wear high heels 723 01:00:38,606 --> 01:00:40,508 Suspenders and a bra 724 01:00:41,042 --> 01:00:43,144 I wish I'd been a girlie 725 01:00:43,711 --> 01:00:45,913 Just like my dear papa 726 01:00:46,547 --> 01:00:48,816 - l cut down trees, I wear high heels - He cuts down trees 727 01:00:49,483 --> 01:00:51,652 Suspenders and a bra 728 01:00:52,219 --> 01:00:54,021 I wish I'd been a girlie 729 01:00:54,555 --> 01:00:57,124 Just like my dear papa 730 01:00:57,858 --> 01:00:59,360 Oh, Brevers! 731 01:00:59,794 --> 01:01:02,263 And l thought you were so butch 732 01:01:04,465 --> 01:01:05,866 Oh, you pansy! 733 01:01:16,377 --> 01:01:18,179 And now for something completely different. 734 01:01:26,754 --> 01:01:28,422 Hello, darling. Sorry l'm so late. 735 01:01:28,923 --> 01:01:30,725 That's all right, darIing. I'm 20 minutes late myself. 736 01:01:31,259 --> 01:01:33,861 - Let's not start worrying about that. - lt's nice here, isn't it? 737 01:01:34,595 --> 01:01:36,664 Yes. A very good restaurant. Five stars, you know? 738 01:01:37,265 --> 01:01:38,866 - Really? - Oh, yes. Terrific reputation. 739 01:01:39,367 --> 01:01:41,702 Good evening, madame. Good evening, sir. 740 01:01:42,370 --> 01:01:44,705 May l say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir? 741 01:01:45,373 --> 01:01:48,743 Thank you. Apparently, the boeuf en croute is fantastic. 742 01:01:49,610 --> 01:01:51,712 lf l may recommend, sir, the faisan a la reine. 743 01:01:52,346 --> 01:01:54,749 The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations. 744 01:01:55,416 --> 01:01:57,285 - Mmm, that sounds very good. - Sounds lovely. 745 01:01:57,785 --> 01:01:59,854 Anyway, darling, have a look at the menu. 746 01:02:00,454 --> 01:02:02,256 See what you want. Take your time. 747 01:02:02,790 --> 01:02:05,793 By the way, l've got a bit of a dirty fork. Could you get me another one? 748 01:02:06,627 --> 01:02:09,830 - I beg your pardon? - It's dirty. Could l get another fork? 749 01:02:10,731 --> 01:02:13,701 -Sir, l do apologize. -No need to apologize. Doesn't worry me. 750 01:02:14,468 --> 01:02:16,437 No. l do apologize, sir. 751 01:02:16,971 --> 01:02:19,106 l will fetch the headwaiter immediatement. 752 01:02:19,740 --> 01:02:21,676 No, please. No need to do that. 753 01:02:22,209 --> 01:02:24,211 Oh no. I feel sure the headwaiter... 754 01:02:24,779 --> 01:02:27,415 he wiIl want to apologize to you himself, personally. 755 01:02:28,149 --> 01:02:31,986 l cannot think how this has happened. l will fetch him at once. 756 01:02:32,987 --> 01:02:35,356 Well, you certainly get good service here, don't you ? 757 01:02:35,990 --> 01:02:37,792 Yes, they really look after you here. 758 01:02:38,326 --> 01:02:40,528 This alI looks delicious. 759 01:02:42,430 --> 01:02:45,566 Excuse me, sir, madame. 760 01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:48,302 This is filthy. Who the helI washes up? 761 01:02:48,836 --> 01:02:51,172 Find out who washes up and give them their cards immediately. 762 01:02:51,839 --> 01:02:54,008 No! On second thought, we can't take any chances. 763 01:02:54,642 --> 01:02:57,745 - Sack the entire washing-up staff - l don't want to cause any troubIe. 764 01:02:58,613 --> 01:03:01,916 lt's quite right that you bring this sort of thing to our attention. 765 01:03:02,817 --> 01:03:05,720 Find the manager and tell him what has happened immediately! 766 01:03:06,520 --> 01:03:08,990 - Please, l don't want to make any fuss. - Oh, no, there's no fuss. 767 01:03:09,690 --> 01:03:11,659 We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes... 768 01:03:12,193 --> 01:03:13,928 with your complete enjoyment of the meal. 769 01:03:14,462 --> 01:03:17,198 l'm sure it won't. lt was only a dirty fork. 770 01:03:17,965 --> 01:03:21,702 l know, and l'm sorry. Bitterly sorry. 771 01:03:22,703 --> 01:03:26,307 But l know nothing I can say can alter the fact that in this restaurant... 772 01:03:27,308 --> 01:03:31,078 you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelIy piece of cutlery. 773 01:03:32,046 --> 01:03:34,015 - lt wasn't smelly. - lt is smelly. 774 01:03:34,548 --> 01:03:36,517 And obscene and disgusting. l hate it. 775 01:03:37,051 --> 01:03:39,820 - That's enough, Gilberto. - Dirty, nasty, smutty! 776 01:03:42,290 --> 01:03:44,225 Good evening, sir. Good evening, madame. 777 01:03:44,725 --> 01:03:47,762 l'm the manager. l've only just heard what's happened. 778 01:03:48,629 --> 01:03:50,765 - May l sit down? - Yes, of course. 779 01:03:53,901 --> 01:03:57,505 l want to apologize humbly, deeply and sincerely... 780 01:03:58,506 --> 01:04:00,041 about the fork. 781 01:04:00,508 --> 01:04:03,477 No. Really, it was only a tiny piece of dirt. You can hardly see it. 782 01:04:04,312 --> 01:04:08,316 Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that. 783 01:04:09,383 --> 01:04:12,620 But l can see it. To me it's Iike a boulder... 784 01:04:13,521 --> 01:04:15,289 a vast bowl of pus. 785 01:04:16,591 --> 01:04:20,595 - Oh, it's not that bad. - No, it gets me here. 786 01:04:21,696 --> 01:04:24,098 l can't give you any excuses. There are no excuses. 787 01:04:24,765 --> 01:04:27,034 l've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant... 788 01:04:27,702 --> 01:04:31,739 but l haven't been well recently and things have been going badly back there. 789 01:04:32,840 --> 01:04:34,875 Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple who prepares the salad... 790 01:04:35,443 --> 01:04:37,678 can hardly move her poor, swollen fingers. 791 01:04:38,279 --> 01:04:41,048 And then, of course, there's Gilberto's war wound. 792 01:04:41,782 --> 01:04:44,185 But they're good people, and they're fine people... 793 01:04:44,885 --> 01:04:47,722 and together we were beginning to get over this bad patch. 794 01:04:48,456 --> 01:04:50,658 There was light at the end of the tunnel... 795 01:04:51,292 --> 01:04:53,427 when this... 796 01:04:54,061 --> 01:04:56,797 when this happened! 797 01:04:57,565 --> 01:05:00,768 - Can l get you some water? - lt's the end of the road! 798 01:05:04,071 --> 01:05:06,207 You bastards! 799 01:05:06,807 --> 01:05:08,042 You mean us? 800 01:05:08,442 --> 01:05:11,245 You vicious, heartless bastards! 801 01:05:13,648 --> 01:05:15,349 Look what you've done to him. 802 01:05:15,816 --> 01:05:19,186 He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is! 803 01:05:20,121 --> 01:05:22,823 And you come in here with your petty... 804 01:05:23,591 --> 01:05:26,160 vicious, heartless quibbling... 805 01:05:26,827 --> 01:05:29,697 and you grind him into the dirt. 806 01:05:32,934 --> 01:05:35,503 This fine, honorable man... 807 01:05:36,237 --> 01:05:39,407 whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! 808 01:05:42,743 --> 01:05:45,613 Oh, it makes me mad. 809 01:05:55,456 --> 01:05:56,958 Easy, Mongo! Easy. 810 01:05:57,358 --> 01:05:59,994 Stark, stirring mad. 811 01:06:00,761 --> 01:06:02,964 No, Mongo! Oh! Oh, the wound! 812 01:06:03,598 --> 01:06:05,633 They destroyed him! 813 01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:08,970 lt's the end! The end. 814 01:06:11,372 --> 01:06:13,240 He's dead. 815 01:06:13,808 --> 01:06:15,343 They killed him! 816 01:06:15,810 --> 01:06:17,378 Revenge. 817 01:06:19,880 --> 01:06:22,383 No, Mongo! Never kill a customer. 818 01:06:23,050 --> 01:06:25,152 Oh, the wound again. 819 01:06:25,786 --> 01:06:27,755 They ruined him! 820 01:06:34,061 --> 01:06:36,397 Lucky l didn't tell 'em about the dirty knife. 821 01:07:17,605 --> 01:07:19,273 Good morning. lm a bank robber. 822 01:07:19,774 --> 01:07:22,109 Please don't panic. Just hand over all the money. 823 01:07:22,777 --> 01:07:24,946 This is a Iingerie shop, sir. 824 01:07:30,284 --> 01:07:31,552 Fine, fine. 825 01:07:35,790 --> 01:07:37,592 Adopt, adapt and improve. 826 01:07:40,127 --> 01:07:42,196 - Well, what have you got? - We've got corsets, stockings... 827 01:07:42,797 --> 01:07:45,232 suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers... 828 01:07:45,933 --> 01:07:47,635 socks and garters, sir. 829 01:07:48,135 --> 01:07:49,403 Fine. 830 01:07:52,907 --> 01:07:54,742 No large quantities of money in safes? 831 01:07:55,276 --> 01:07:57,245 No, sir. 832 01:07:57,812 --> 01:08:00,548 No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags? 833 01:08:01,315 --> 01:08:03,150 No, sir. 834 01:08:03,718 --> 01:08:04,986 Fine. 835 01:08:15,663 --> 01:08:17,198 Just a pair of panties then, please. 836 01:08:27,508 --> 01:08:29,210 And now for something completely different. 837 01:08:34,815 --> 01:08:36,717 Hey, did you see that? 838 01:08:39,487 --> 01:08:42,189 Did you see something go past the window? 839 01:08:42,957 --> 01:08:43,691 What? 840 01:08:43,958 --> 01:08:46,560 Somebody went past that window, downwards. 841 01:08:52,199 --> 01:08:53,634 Another one. 842 01:08:56,170 --> 01:08:58,039 Another one just went past, downwards. 843 01:08:59,807 --> 01:09:00,708 What? 844 01:09:01,008 --> 01:09:02,977 Two people have just fallen past that window! 845 01:09:04,679 --> 01:09:06,213 Fine. 846 01:09:06,681 --> 01:09:10,384 Look, two people... three people have just fallen past that window. 847 01:09:14,221 --> 01:09:15,957 Must be a board meeting. 848 01:09:16,490 --> 01:09:18,426 Oh, yeah. 849 01:09:18,926 --> 01:09:22,196 - That was Wilkins of finance. - No, that was Robertson. 850 01:09:23,097 --> 01:09:25,333 - Wilkins. - It was Robertson. 851 01:09:28,736 --> 01:09:31,072 - That was Wilkins. - Oh, yeah. 852 01:09:31,739 --> 01:09:33,407 Bet Parkinson next. 853 01:09:33,908 --> 01:09:36,177 - Bet you it won't. - How much? 854 01:09:37,945 --> 01:09:41,182 - What? - How much do you bet it won't? Fiver? 855 01:09:42,083 --> 01:09:44,585 - Yeah, all right. - Right. Done. You're on. 856 01:09:45,286 --> 01:09:46,921 Parkinson next. 857 01:09:50,091 --> 01:09:52,260 - Come on, Parky! - Don't be silly, Parky! 858 01:09:52,893 --> 01:09:55,029 - Come on, Parky! Jump! - Don't be stupid, man! 859 01:09:55,596 --> 01:09:58,432 Dear Sir, l wouId like to complain about that last scene... 860 01:09:59,233 --> 01:10:01,135 about people falling out of high buiIdings. 861 01:10:01,636 --> 01:10:04,272 l myself have worked all my life in such a building... 862 01:10:05,039 --> 01:10:07,575 and have never once... 863 01:11:17,378 --> 01:11:19,347 Psst. All clear. 864 01:11:29,023 --> 01:11:31,993 Vocational guidance counselor. 865 01:11:43,704 --> 01:11:46,874 Ah, Mr. Anchovy. Do sit down. 866 01:11:47,742 --> 01:11:50,144 Oh, thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh? 867 01:11:50,845 --> 01:11:52,446 Yes. 868 01:11:52,914 --> 01:11:54,815 Lovely weather for the time of year, l must say. 869 01:11:55,383 --> 01:11:58,119 Enough of this gay banter. Mr. Anchovy, you asked us to advise you... 870 01:11:58,886 --> 01:12:01,022 which job in life you were best suited for. 871 01:12:01,656 --> 01:12:03,524 - That is correct. - Well. l have the results here... 872 01:12:04,058 --> 01:12:06,360 of all the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week... 873 01:12:07,028 --> 01:12:10,531 and from them we've built up clear impression of the person you are... 874 01:12:11,499 --> 01:12:13,901 and l think l can say without fear of contradiction... 875 01:12:14,569 --> 01:12:16,537 that the ideal job for you is accountancy. 876 01:12:18,105 --> 01:12:19,307 But l am an accountant. 877 01:12:19,707 --> 01:12:22,176 Jolly good. Well, back to the office with you then. 878 01:12:22,877 --> 01:12:24,412 No, no, you don't understand. 879 01:12:24,879 --> 01:12:26,814 l've been an accountant for the Iast 20 years. 880 01:12:27,381 --> 01:12:29,817 But l want a new job, something exciting that will let me live. 881 01:12:30,518 --> 01:12:32,386 But accountancy is quite exciting. 882 01:12:32,920 --> 01:12:35,389 Exciting? No, it's not. 883 01:12:36,090 --> 01:12:38,192 lt's dull, dull, duIl! 884 01:12:38,793 --> 01:12:40,728 My God, it's dull. 885 01:12:41,262 --> 01:12:43,664 lt's so deadly dull and tedious... 886 01:12:44,365 --> 01:12:47,535 and stuffy and boring and desperately dull ! 887 01:12:48,402 --> 01:12:50,705 I can't stand it any longer. l want to live. 888 01:12:51,372 --> 01:12:54,108 Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but, you see, in your report here... 889 01:12:54,809 --> 01:12:57,578 it says that you are an extremely dull person. 890 01:12:59,614 --> 01:13:01,449 Our experts describe you as... 891 01:13:01,949 --> 01:13:04,285 "an appallingly dull fellow", "unimaginative"... 892 01:13:04,952 --> 01:13:07,788 "timid, spineless", "easily dominated"... 893 01:13:08,589 --> 01:13:10,825 "no sense of humor," "tedious company"... 894 01:13:11,459 --> 01:13:13,294 and "irrepressibly drab and awful". 895 01:13:13,794 --> 01:13:16,297 And where as in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks... 896 01:13:16,998 --> 01:13:18,799 in accountancy they are a positive boon. 897 01:13:19,333 --> 01:13:22,303 l'm only as awful as this because accountancy does this to peopIe. 898 01:13:23,137 --> 01:13:25,239 Can't you help me? 899 01:13:25,806 --> 01:13:27,475 Any idea of what you want to be? 900 01:13:27,975 --> 01:13:30,177 - Yes. Yes, l have. - What is it? 901 01:13:30,811 --> 01:13:32,780 A lion tamer. 902 01:13:35,483 --> 01:13:37,919 Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it... 903 01:13:38,619 --> 01:13:40,621 accountancy to lion taming in one go? 904 01:13:41,188 --> 01:13:44,492 Don't think it'd be better to work your way towards lion taming via banking? 905 01:13:45,426 --> 01:13:47,261 - Or insurance? - No! l don't want to wait. 906 01:13:47,795 --> 01:13:49,697 l want to start immediately. Tomorrow morning at 9:00... 907 01:13:50,197 --> 01:13:51,966 l want to be in there, taming. 908 01:13:52,500 --> 01:13:55,169 Yes, but what qualifications do you have? 909 01:13:55,937 --> 01:13:58,072 - l've got a hat. - A hat? 910 01:13:58,673 --> 01:14:01,008 Yes, a lion taming hat, a hat with "Lion Tamer" written on it... 911 01:14:01,676 --> 01:14:04,312 and it lights up, saying "Lion Tamer" in big red neon letters... 912 01:14:05,012 --> 01:14:06,614 so you can tame them after dark. 913 01:14:07,114 --> 01:14:09,150 - l see. - During the day, you switch it off... 914 01:14:09,684 --> 01:14:12,420 and you can claim it as reasonable wear and tear under "allowable expenses"... 915 01:14:13,187 --> 01:14:14,755 under paragraph 335... 916 01:14:15,189 --> 01:14:17,658 Yes. l follow. But, you see, the snag is... 917 01:14:18,359 --> 01:14:20,294 if l now call the service and say to them... 918 01:14:20,861 --> 01:14:24,298 "l've got a 45-year-old accountant who wants to become a lion tamer"... 919 01:14:25,233 --> 01:14:28,469 their first question is not going to be "Does he have his own hat?" 920 01:14:29,370 --> 01:14:32,673 They're more likely to ask what experience you've had with lions. 921 01:14:33,541 --> 01:14:36,477 - l've seen'em at the zoo. - Good. 922 01:14:37,311 --> 01:14:40,548 Little brown, furry creatures with short, stumpy legs and great long noses. 923 01:14:41,382 --> 01:14:43,551 I could tame one of those. l don't know what all the fuss is about. 924 01:14:44,185 --> 01:14:45,920 Look pretty tame to start with. 925 01:14:46,420 --> 01:14:48,556 And these lions, how high are they? 926 01:14:49,190 --> 01:14:52,360 Oh, about so high . They don't frighten me at all. 927 01:14:53,227 --> 01:14:54,996 And do these Iions eat ants? 928 01:14:55,529 --> 01:14:57,064 Yes, that's right. 929 01:14:58,733 --> 01:15:02,970 Well, l'm afraid what you've got hold of there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater. 930 01:15:04,105 --> 01:15:06,674 - A what? - An anteater, not a lion. 931 01:15:07,408 --> 01:15:09,310 You see a lion, is a huge savage beast... 932 01:15:09,877 --> 01:15:11,612 about ten-foot long, five-foot high... 933 01:15:12,113 --> 01:15:14,081 with masses of sharp, pointy teeth... 934 01:15:14,615 --> 01:15:16,384 and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws. 935 01:15:16,918 --> 01:15:18,552 lt looks like this. 936 01:15:21,088 --> 01:15:23,991 - Now. shall I caIl the circus? - No! 937 01:15:24,759 --> 01:15:27,161 l like your idea of making the move... 938 01:15:27,795 --> 01:15:29,430 to lion taming by easy stages... 939 01:15:29,931 --> 01:15:32,266 say by insurance or banking. 940 01:15:32,934 --> 01:15:34,869 - Banking? - Yes, banking. l see it now. 941 01:15:35,436 --> 01:15:37,138 It's a man's life, isn't it? Travel. excitement... 942 01:15:37,605 --> 01:15:40,942 decisions affecting people's lives, romance. thrills. 943 01:15:41,876 --> 01:15:43,611 l'll put you in touch with the bank. 944 01:15:46,480 --> 01:15:47,949 Probably. 945 01:15:48,416 --> 01:15:51,218 l'd like a couple of days to think about it, 'cause it is a big decision. 946 01:15:51,986 --> 01:15:53,788 Or maybe, maybe a week, at most, you know? 947 01:15:54,322 --> 01:15:57,692 But l do want to make this decision. l'd like to do banking... 948 01:15:58,626 --> 01:15:59,927 lt's sad, isn't it... 949 01:16:00,294 --> 01:16:02,763 that this is what accountancy does to people? 950 01:16:03,464 --> 01:16:06,567 The only way that we can fight this terrible, debilitating social disease... 951 01:16:07,435 --> 01:16:10,071 l only want to be famous. l only want to see my name in lights. 952 01:16:10,805 --> 01:16:12,373 And so you shalI. 953 01:16:21,349 --> 01:16:22,617 Cue! 954 01:16:29,123 --> 01:16:31,092 Hello, good evening, and welcome to "Blackmail". 955 01:16:31,659 --> 01:16:34,528 To start tonight's program, we go north to Preston in Lancashire... 956 01:16:35,329 --> 01:16:36,864 and Mrs. Betty Teal. 957 01:16:38,833 --> 01:16:42,637 Hello Mrs. Teal. Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for $15... 958 01:16:43,671 --> 01:16:46,807 and is to stop us revealing the name of your lover in Bolton. 959 01:16:47,675 --> 01:16:50,177 So, Mrs. Teal, send us $15 by return of post, please... 960 01:16:50,878 --> 01:16:54,015 and your husband Trevor and your lovely children Diane. Janice and Juliet... 961 01:16:54,849 --> 01:16:58,319 need never know the name of your lover in Bolton. 962 01:17:04,725 --> 01:17:07,261 Now, a letter, a series of photographs... 963 01:17:07,995 --> 01:17:10,698 and a hotel registration book which could add up to divorce... 964 01:17:11,399 --> 01:17:13,734 premature retirement and possible criminal proceedings... 965 01:17:14,368 --> 01:17:16,370 for a company director in Bromsgrove. 966 01:17:16,904 --> 01:17:18,639 He's a Freemason and a conservative M.P. 967 01:17:19,173 --> 01:17:22,109 So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove, that's $3,000, please... 968 01:17:22,910 --> 01:17:26,514 to stop us revealing your name, the name of the three other peopIe invoIved... 969 01:17:27,515 --> 01:17:29,250 the youth organization to which they belong... 970 01:17:29,717 --> 01:17:31,586 and the shop where you bought the equipment. 971 01:17:39,694 --> 01:17:42,330 Well, we'll be showing you more of that photograph later in the program... 972 01:17:43,064 --> 01:17:46,133 unless we hear from Charles or Michael. 973 01:17:47,001 --> 01:17:49,003 Now it's time for our "Stop The FiIm" spot. 974 01:17:49,570 --> 01:17:51,105 The rules are very simple. 975 01:17:51,572 --> 01:17:53,541 We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes... 976 01:17:54,075 --> 01:17:57,378 and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's career. 977 01:17:58,279 --> 01:18:00,881 But the victim may phone me at any time and stop the fiIm. 978 01:18:01,616 --> 01:18:04,151 But don't forget, the money increases as the film goes on... 979 01:18:04,885 --> 01:18:07,255 so the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay. 980 01:18:07,922 --> 01:18:11,859 So, with the clock at $300 this week's "Stop the Film" visited Temstead. 981 01:19:05,246 --> 01:19:07,114 He's a very brave man. 982 01:19:14,188 --> 01:19:16,324 No, sir. No. 983 01:19:16,958 --> 01:19:19,026 l'm sure you didn't, sir. No, that's all right. 984 01:19:19,627 --> 01:19:21,896 We don't morally censure. We just want the money. 985 01:19:22,530 --> 01:19:24,198 And here's the address to send it to: 986 01:19:29,003 --> 01:19:31,005 Thank you, sir. 987 01:19:33,975 --> 01:19:36,110 Ah. There you are. 988 01:19:36,677 --> 01:19:38,646 Well, that's quite enough of that. 989 01:19:39,180 --> 01:19:40,748 And now... 990 01:19:44,151 --> 01:19:48,089 a local civic group reenacts a famous scene from history. 991 01:19:49,156 --> 01:19:52,593 This week, the Townswomen Guild of Sheffield in Yorkshire. 992 01:19:53,527 --> 01:19:54,762 Miss Rita Fairbanks... 993 01:19:55,162 --> 01:19:57,498 you organized this representation of the BattIe of Pearl Harbor. 994 01:19:58,165 --> 01:19:59,367 Why? 995 01:19:59,734 --> 01:20:02,236 Weve always been extremely interested in modern works. 996 01:20:02,970 --> 01:20:06,707 We were the first townswomen's guild to perform "Camp on Blood lsland"... 997 01:20:07,708 --> 01:20:09,010 and, of course, last year... 998 01:20:09,410 --> 01:20:12,780 we did our extremely popular reenactment of Nazi war atrocities... 999 01:20:13,714 --> 01:20:16,183 so this year we thought we'd do something in a much lighter vein. 1000 01:20:16,884 --> 01:20:19,487 l can see that you're all ready to go, so l'Il just wish you good luck... 1001 01:20:20,221 --> 01:20:22,290 in your latest venture, "The BattIe of Pearl Harbor.'' 1002 01:20:22,890 --> 01:20:25,660 Thank you very much indeed, young man. 1003 01:20:53,621 --> 01:20:54,956 Oh, Brian. 1004 01:20:55,389 --> 01:20:56,924 Oh , Elsbeth. 1005 01:21:07,768 --> 01:21:10,004 Be gentle with me. 1006 01:21:43,471 --> 01:21:47,174 Oh , Brian, are you gonna do anything or just show me films all evening? 1007 01:21:48,142 --> 01:21:49,477 Just one more, dear. 1008 01:22:00,988 --> 01:22:03,224 Good afternoon, and welcome to Brantley Park... 1009 01:22:03,824 --> 01:22:06,294 just as the competitors are running out onto the field... 1010 01:22:06,994 --> 01:22:09,297 on this lovely winter afternoon with the going firm under foot... 1011 01:22:09,964 --> 01:22:11,532 and very little sign of rain. 1012 01:22:11,999 --> 01:22:13,968 Looks like we're in for a splendid afternoon sport... 1013 01:22:14,502 --> 01:22:17,672 on this, the 127th "Upper Class Twit of the Year" show. 1014 01:22:18,506 --> 01:22:21,409 There's a big crowd here today to see these prize idiots in action. 1015 01:22:22,209 --> 01:22:23,444 Vivian Smith Smythe Smith. 1016 01:22:23,844 --> 01:22:25,580 He's in the Grenadier Guards, and can count to four. 1017 01:22:26,113 --> 01:22:27,515 Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris. 1018 01:22:27,949 --> 01:22:30,284 He's an old Italian and married to an attractive table lamp. 1019 01:22:30,885 --> 01:22:33,254 Nigel lncubator Jones. His best friend is a tree... 1020 01:22:33,888 --> 01:22:35,656 and in his spare time he s a stockbroker. 1021 01:22:36,190 --> 01:22:38,326 Javais Brookhamster. He's in the wine trade... 1022 01:22:38,960 --> 01:22:40,895 and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. 1023 01:22:41,395 --> 01:22:43,864 And finally, Oliver Singen Mollusk, another old ltalian. 1024 01:22:44,532 --> 01:22:47,001 His father was a cabinet minister and his mother won the derby. 1025 01:22:47,702 --> 01:22:49,870 He's thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. 1026 01:22:50,504 --> 01:22:52,840 And now the twits are moving up to the starting line... 1027 01:22:53,507 --> 01:22:55,843 and any moment now they'll be under starter's orders. 1028 01:22:56,510 --> 01:22:58,045 lm afraid they're facing the wrong way at the moment... 1029 01:22:58,512 --> 01:23:00,047 the wrong way at the moment, but the starter will sort this out. 1030 01:23:00,514 --> 01:23:04,619 Any moment now they're going to have the big off. This is always a tense moment. 1031 01:23:05,720 --> 01:23:07,154 And they're off! 1032 01:23:07,555 --> 01:23:10,558 No, they're not. They didn't realize that they had to start with the gun. 1033 01:23:11,392 --> 01:23:14,061 l think the starter has explained to them. Several are beginning to point. 1034 01:23:14,829 --> 01:23:16,764 And ready again, and off again! 1035 01:23:17,265 --> 01:23:18,833 This time, yes, a really fast start! 1036 01:23:19,267 --> 01:23:22,103 lt's Vivian going for the lead Oliver's running wide to the right! 1037 01:23:22,904 --> 01:23:25,039 And to the left but, he'll soon pick up the line... 1038 01:23:25,673 --> 01:23:27,875 into the first event which is, walking along a straight line. 1039 01:23:28,509 --> 01:23:30,678 The twits have to walk along these lines without falling over. 1040 01:23:31,245 --> 01:23:33,314 This is Oliver's worst event. He's having a little trouble. 1041 01:23:33,915 --> 01:23:36,250 Simon's coming through. Nigel's coming through. 1042 01:23:36,918 --> 01:23:39,520 Oliver's over at the back. Never mind. He'll get up. He's a great fighter. 1043 01:23:40,254 --> 01:23:41,856 He's having... Oh dear, never mind. 1044 01:23:42,356 --> 01:23:44,692 We're coming to the second event, the matchbox jump. 1045 01:23:45,359 --> 01:23:48,195 Two layers of matchboxes for the twits to clear. Nigel and Simon are over! 1046 01:23:48,930 --> 01:23:50,631 And Vivian has refused. 1047 01:23:51,132 --> 01:23:52,967 And now, it's "Kicking the Beggar". 1048 01:23:53,534 --> 01:23:56,804 And Nigel to put the brogue in there! Oh, beautifully placed! 1049 01:23:57,705 --> 01:23:59,640 The beggar is down, and the crowd really loved it! 1050 01:24:00,207 --> 01:24:02,410 And here it's Oliver. He hasn't cleared the jump. 1051 01:24:03,044 --> 01:24:04,912 Oh, if only his father could understand. 1052 01:24:05,446 --> 01:24:07,515 And now it's "Running Over the Old Lady". 1053 01:24:08,115 --> 01:24:11,018 Simon in the lead and he's done it beautifully, right in the midriff. 1054 01:24:11,819 --> 01:24:14,188 Back to Oliver. Oh, he's magnificent, this man. 1055 01:24:14,822 --> 01:24:16,724 He doesn't know when he's beaten. He doesn't know what he's winning either. 1056 01:24:17,291 --> 01:24:20,595 He has no sort of sensory apparatus known to man. Bad luck. Oliver. 1057 01:24:21,495 --> 01:24:23,898 And now, it's "Waking the Neighbor". Simon's there at the front. 1058 01:24:24,599 --> 01:24:28,135 He's slamming that door, and woken the neighbor Simon's moved into first. 1059 01:24:29,103 --> 01:24:30,638 The crowd is really excited! 1060 01:24:31,105 --> 01:24:32,740 And now it's "Shooting the Rabbits". 1061 01:24:33,241 --> 01:24:36,310 These rabbits have been staked to the ground so they can't move too much... 1062 01:24:37,144 --> 01:24:39,880 as this is only a one-day event. 1063 01:24:40,648 --> 01:24:43,451 There's mist there which l think is causing the twits a bit of trouble. 1064 01:24:44,252 --> 01:24:46,354 And Javais is using the butt of his rifle! 1065 01:24:46,954 --> 01:24:49,023 Vivian's going in with a fist, and Javais is first away! 1066 01:24:49,624 --> 01:24:51,692 And Oliver has run himself over! 1067 01:24:52,293 --> 01:24:53,828 What a great twit! 1068 01:24:54,295 --> 01:24:57,098 And now, it's "Taking the Bras off the Debutantes from the Back". 1069 01:24:57,865 --> 01:25:00,368 This is a particularly difficult event for most of the twits... 1070 01:25:01,102 --> 01:25:03,504 one of the ones that takes the most time on this exacting course. 1071 01:25:04,171 --> 01:25:07,742 The crowd are getting excited, and I think the twits are getting excited too. 1072 01:25:08,709 --> 01:25:11,812 And it's Simon into the lead, closely followed by Nigel! 1073 01:25:12,680 --> 01:25:14,348 And it's the final event now! 1074 01:25:14,849 --> 01:25:17,285 They have to shoot themselves to become upper class twit of the year. 1075 01:25:17,985 --> 01:25:20,855 Simon can't get the bra off his finger it 's Nigel there! 1076 01:25:21,656 --> 01:25:23,357 Nigel misses! Simon's missing! 1077 01:25:23,858 --> 01:25:26,193 Nigel misses again! And Javais has shot himself! 1078 01:25:26,861 --> 01:25:29,330 Javais is upper class twit of the year! 1079 01:25:30,031 --> 01:25:31,832 Vivian is there! He's not having any luck! 1080 01:25:32,366 --> 01:25:34,936 Simon shoots. Simon has shot Vivian! 1081 01:25:35,670 --> 01:25:37,805 Simon has shot Vivian into second place. 1082 01:25:38,406 --> 01:25:40,608 And Simon shoots himself. Simon is third. 1083 01:25:41,208 --> 01:25:44,111 And Nigel clubs himself into fourth place! 1084 01:25:44,879 --> 01:25:46,447 And so, the final result: 1085 01:25:46,881 --> 01:25:48,449 first and upper class twit of the year... 1086 01:25:48,883 --> 01:25:50,585 Javais Brookhamster of Kensington... 1087 01:25:51,085 --> 01:25:53,187 runner up, Vivian Smith Smythe Smith of Mayfair... 1088 01:25:53,821 --> 01:25:56,023 and third, Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris of Kensington.