1 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:19,320 FEEDBACK 2 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,080 Is this fucking thing on? Oh... 3 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:22,520 Ladies and gentlemen. 4 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:24,520 He's wacky, he's zany, 5 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:29,120 he's one entire sixth of the greatest comedy team the world has ever seen. 6 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:33,800 Here to reveal all, please welcome Monty Python's Graham Chapman! 7 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:38,120 Er, before I begin, 9 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,160 there is a favour I would like to ask of all of you, please. 10 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:44,240 And I do mean every single person in the room. 11 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:48,040 No opting out. I'd like everyone to join in with this, please. 12 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:51,280 I would like to ask you all for 30 seconds... 13 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:52,680 of abuse. 14 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:53,760 LAUGHTER 15 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:54,960 Go on! 16 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,280 AUDIENCE SHOUTS 17 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:01,680 - You piece of turd. - You arsehole! - Get off! 18 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,520 Thank you so much. 19 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,720 - Get off! - Wanker! 20 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,800 - Go home! - Get off! 21 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,960 Thank you. Thank you so much. 22 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,320 ABUSE CONTINUES 23 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:19,720 - You lazy liar! - You muff diver! 24 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,480 Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. 25 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,600 Chicken-plucker! 26 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:28,680 15 seconds to go! Thank you. Thank you so much. 27 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,120 I want my fucking money back! 28 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:34,160 Oh, thank you. Thank you. 29 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,760 Get off that stage! 30 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,320 - Thank you. - You suck! - Maggot! 31 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,480 You're a shit! 32 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,280 You-you-you-you... You miscreant! 33 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,040 I like you! 34 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:50,240 Thank you very much indeed. That was excellent abuse. 35 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:54,120 And it will certainly save a lot of time later on. 36 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:55,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 37 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,160 New York, 1976. The City Center theatre. 38 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,120 Monty Python's Flying Circus is appearing. We are in mid-sketch. 39 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,320 I am playing Oscar Wilde. 40 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,320 My congratulations, Wilde. Your play is a great success. 41 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,160 The whole of London is talking about you. 42 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,960 There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about 43 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,200 and that is NOT being talked about. 44 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,240 APPLAUSE 45 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,480 Very witty, Wilde. Very witty. 46 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,640 There is only one thing worse in the world than being witty 47 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:37,520 and that is not being witty. 48 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:38,800 APPLAUSE 49 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,600 I wish I had said that. 50 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,080 You will, Oscar. You will. 51 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,720 Your Highness, do you know James McNeill Whistler? 52 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,680 Yes. We play squash together. 53 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:56,720 There is only one thing worse than playing squash together 54 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,080 and that is playing it by yourself. 55 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,960 'He waits expectantly for the roars of laughter 56 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960 'and the shrieks of glee. They do not come. 57 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,480 'The silence grows longer.' 58 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,640 I wish I hadn't said that. 59 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,640 You did, Oscar. You did. 60 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,080 You must forgive me, Wilde, but I must get back up the palace. 61 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,000 'Wilde is desperate. It's unheard of - 62 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,440 'the Prince of Wales is leaving with a smile on his face 63 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,400 'that had not been put there by Oscar Wilde. He blurts...' 64 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:33,640 Your Majesty, you are like a big jam doughnut with cream on top. 65 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,680 I beg your pardon? 66 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,480 Er...er... Erm, it was one of Whistler's. 67 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:43,280 - I didn't say that. - You did, James. You did. 68 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,920 I...I meant that, er, 69 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:49,240 like a doughnut, your arrival, Your Majesty, gives us pleasure, 70 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,400 and your departure only makes us hungry for more. 71 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,320 Your Majesty is like a stream of bat's piss. 72 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,760 - I beg your pardon? - It was one of Wilde's. 73 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,280 One of Wilde's. 74 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,640 Uh...uh...uh... 75 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,880 'I have just dried. I cannot remember the next line.' 76 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,280 I'm waiting, Wilde. I'm waiting. 77 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:16,800 'The entire theatre waits... and as they wait, so do I, 78 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,920 'for that damned line to enter my head. It refuses to come.' 79 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,160 Oh, get on with it. 80 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,200 Get on with it. 81 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,160 Dr Chapman? 82 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,160 We'll be landing in Los Angeles shortly. 83 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,840 Hello? Dr Chapman? 84 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,360 Are you all right, Dr Chapman? 85 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:18,160 Keep your seat belts fastened and all your luggage stowed safely. 86 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,360 Turn off your head sets and electrical equipment 87 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,360 until you see the seat belt sign turned off. 88 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,120 MONITOR BEEPS 89 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,880 Bleurgh! 90 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,200 'It's at moments like this when one thinks, 91 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:39,080 '"Oh, fuck it. Does it really matter? What are we all here for?' 92 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:42,760 "Are we predestined to take the paths we follow?" 93 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,200 I was born in Leamington, 94 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,040 now officially known as Royal Leamington Spa, 95 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,400 moderately famous for the manufacture of gas cookers. 96 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,600 The year was 1942 97 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,480 and the period of gestation ended on the 7th of February, 98 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,200 during are rather botched-up air raid 99 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,800 in which the Germans thought they were hitting Coventry. 100 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,120 My parents, Tim and Beryl - 101 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,920 sorry, Tim and Betty - were outraged when I arrived 102 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,480 because they'd been expecting a heterosexual black Jew 103 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,040 with several rather amusing birth deformities, 104 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,560 as they needed the problems. 105 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,600 They lived in an enormous Gothic castle in the south of France 106 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,120 called Dundrinking- gin-and-slimline-tonic- with-ice-but-no-lemon-in, 107 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,960 which was originally built by Marco Polo for himself and a few friends 108 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,800 he wanted to invite round to his place after the pub closed. 109 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,080 BELL RINGS 110 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,640 I must admit so far 111 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:48,480 that this has not had much more than a grain of truth in it, 112 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,840 but it is more interesting 113 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:54,800 than all the usual humdrum wetting of nappies and, later, pants, 114 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,760 and not being allowed to sit next to Lottie the Czechoslovakian girl 115 00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:59,360 because I once shat myself, 116 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,000 seeing bits of people hanging from trees... Oh! 117 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,080 That does sound interesting. Perhaps I should put that down. 118 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,080 I was three at the time 119 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,680 and my mother wanted to take me along to see my father. 120 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,880 Ooh, coochy-coochy-coo! 121 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,040 - Walter. - Sorry, dear. I'm busy. 122 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,320 Hey, you. That's sack's already got two legs in it. 123 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,280 Walter, dear, we were just out shopping 124 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,480 and I thought that Graham might like... 125 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,520 Look, dear, can't you come back later? 126 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,800 Has anyone found that head yet? 127 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,200 Has anyone in this street found a head? 128 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,560 Oh, come on. Someone must have it. 129 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:42,680 I know this street. 130 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:43,800 You'd steal anything. 131 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,080 I mean, what the bloody hell are you going to do with a head? 132 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,440 Oh, dear. 133 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:52,160 Perhaps we'll go and get your tea. 134 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,400 What? Oh, yes. 135 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,160 Egg on toast, please. 136 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,280 Left arm here. Anyone missing a left arm? 137 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,240 We haven't got any eggs. There is a war on. 138 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,400 Ask Harold. 139 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,840 Something's bound to have fallen off the back of a lorry. 140 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,840 All right, dear. Come on, Graham. 141 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:10,240 Stop staring at all that blood. It won't do you any good. 142 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,840 Oh, come on, Mum. This must be one of my major formative experiences. 143 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,280 Waah! 144 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,520 Moo! 145 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,800 Eton. 146 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,480 Summer term, or "wops" as we called it, 147 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,960 seemed to have dragged on endlessly. 148 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,240 The smell of freshly mown grass 149 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,120 wafted over from far-off Hayes meadow, 150 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,480 the village clock chimed in the distance 151 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,440 and somewhere, miles above our petty earth, 152 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:54,560 a wisp of cloud took flame from the dying embers of the setting sun. 153 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,000 They combined to produce an atmosphere 154 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,080 so redolent of this type of writing. 155 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:09,800 "Iam victoria tam facilis scrotum non valet". 156 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,400 We always beat Harrow anyway. Why bother? 157 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:30,200 Oh, Chapman, sir, may I clean your teeth tonight? Oh, please? 158 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,680 Why don't you bugger off, Shagspot? 159 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,680 Oh! Thank you, sir. 160 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:40,240 Plucky little squit, that young McMillan. Should go far. 161 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,440 In a few days, I would be in Nice, 162 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,560 soaking up the sun at the side of my father's pool, 163 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:51,880 while Jenkins hovered by with a tray of vodkatinis. 164 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,760 Would you like another sandwich, dear? 165 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,360 What? 166 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,040 They're your favourite, sandwich spread. 167 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,880 'So this is Nice?' 168 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,200 What do you mean, Nice? This is Scarborough. 169 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,920 You do too much reading. 170 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,440 It'll do you more good if you eat your tea. 171 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:18,560 Quite right. 172 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:21,240 You can't get through to him when he's got a book in his hand. 173 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,920 - What is it, anyway? - It's called Claudius the God, by Robert Graves. 174 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,480 A fine historical reconstruction of the life of Claudius, 175 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,000 the republican Roman emperor, 176 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,080 thought of in his time as a pitiful fool, 177 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,200 though the reign Mr Graves describes is far from folly. 178 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,760 Is it? 179 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,400 Hmph! 180 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:43,400 Anyway, finish your tea. We ought to get a haddock for Mrs Richers. 181 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,400 There's plenty time for that later on. 182 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,360 Thraxted's doesn't close till five. 183 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,880 They're bound to be out of haddock by then. 184 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,280 We'll get halibut. 185 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,320 Mrs Richers especially asked for the haddock. 186 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,480 Oh, haddock, halibut, cod. There's no difference. 187 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,120 It's all fish. 188 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,200 Let's just sit here for a bit and enjoy the view. 189 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,560 - It's raining. - It's bracing. 190 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,280 You should have your window open, lad. 191 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,800 Get a bit of ozone in your lungs. 192 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,680 Ozone is oxygen in a condensed state, 193 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,160 having three atoms to the molecule. O3. 194 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,400 - What you can smell is rotting seaweed. - Well, it's good for you. 195 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,240 - No, it isn't. - Don't argue with your father. 196 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,120 It's those fancy books he's been reading. 197 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,320 You can't learn everything out of books, my lad. 198 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,680 There's no argument. It's a fact. 199 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:31,400 Stop it, Graham. Now, come on. We'll go and get the fish. 200 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,160 No, we won't. We'll stay here. 201 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,080 I think we should go and get the fish. 202 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,360 Hm. That ship over there is bringing wood from Norway, 203 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,320 coniferous wood used in the paper manufacturing industry 204 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,400 since the late 15th century. 205 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:51,760 But the first paper mill in England was owned by John Tate in Hertford, 206 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,160 a manufacturer of continuous lengths, however, was... 207 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,200 Oh, the Tates. 208 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,640 Wasn't their youngest walking about with that Valerie Maskell? 209 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,480 No. 210 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,000 This process was developed 211 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,560 by the stationers Messrs H and S Fourdrinier. 212 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,360 It WAS her. You remember. 213 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,440 She was the one that got all the spots at secretarial college. 214 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,560 Quiet, Edith. 215 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:13,400 - HE MIMES - The Fourdriniers were assisted 216 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,520 in this by Mr Bryan Donkin, an inventor and engineer. 217 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,440 Donkin - wasn't his step-uncle Stephanie 218 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,200 a wholesale poulterer in Peatling Parva? 219 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,960 - No! - Yes, he was. 220 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,440 It was their youngest that moved downstairs 221 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,240 next door to the chemist in Wimbledon, 222 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,720 nearly opposite the Gantleys. 223 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,240 Shut up. 224 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,840 Do you realise that if you look out there on a very clear day, 225 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,000 you can't quite see Denmark? 226 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,960 I think we should get the haddock. 227 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,920 Will you shut up about the bloody haddock? 228 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,520 - Why is it that every bloody year... - Language. 229 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,960 Every year our summer holiday consists of two weeks 230 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,600 in Scarborough, Filey or Bridlington, 231 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,120 sitting in a car in the rain, bickering? 232 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,440 - Why don't we go to bloody Denmark? - Language! 233 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:05,160 - We did promise haddock. - Oh, all right! 234 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,960 We'll go and get your bloody, flaming, bloody haddock! 235 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,600 Trouble with you two is you don't appreciate the beauties of nature. 236 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:12,760 CAR BACKFIRES 237 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,280 What's that you've got back there? 238 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:25,560 - It's a book. - What book? - I, Biggles by Captain WE Graves. 239 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,760 Captain, eh? Mm. That sounds better. 240 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,400 ENGINE RUMBLES 241 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,440 MUSIC: "633 Squadron" by Ron Goodwin 242 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,200 Everything OK, skipper? 243 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,840 Tell you what, old man. Having a bit of trouble with this. 244 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,360 Could you just pop your hand down my Mae West, old tapir? 245 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,440 Well, if that's an order, old guillemot. 246 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,040 - It is. - Righty-o. 247 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,480 Here it comes, old bison. 248 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,200 Ooh! 249 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,960 THEY CHUCKLE 250 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,480 Ooh... 251 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:13,720 Ahhh! 252 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,720 - Don't stop now! I'm nearly there. - So am I! 253 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,440 Oh-oh-oh-ohhh! 254 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,960 - What about me? - Oh, fuck off, Ginger. 255 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,720 To heck with the lot of them. 256 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,760 THEY GIGGLE 257 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,120 I'll just jolly well sit down here 258 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:20,720 and improve the bally old mind a little, don't you know. 259 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,240 The Complete Works of Captain WE Johns. 260 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,760 How to speak English in other languages. 261 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,880 The Interpretation of Dreams, by Sigmund Freud. 262 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:34,600 In the following lecture, I, Sigmund Freud, 263 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,520 shall prove the entire psychology of man can only be understood 264 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,480 with a reference to the science of navigation. 265 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,080 Spot on. 266 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:47,080 In relation to this, I remember a young adolescent 267 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:51,480 who was having reoccurring dreams about flying. 268 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,680 A fictional aviator called Bigglesworth and his companions 269 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,000 are attempting to escape from a Focke-Wulf 270 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,400 which is pursuing them and shooting at them. 271 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,520 A typical dream recall of a particularly exciting episode 272 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,840 of an adventure story for boys. 273 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,720 Or so it would seem. 274 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,560 Let's look at the dream more closely. 275 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,280 The first thing we notice is that throughout the scene 276 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:21,120 we see navigational elements hidden not so far below the surface. 277 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:25,440 A compass, indicating the plane's direction of travel. 278 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:31,560 A map behind the aviators telling them where they are going. 279 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,040 All unmistakable symptoms of a navigational obsession. 280 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,320 Note also the use of zoological terminology 281 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,680 in their navigational exchange with one another. 282 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,440 "Old bison," "old tapir" and even "old guillemot" 283 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,520 clearly indicates a yearning for a pre-rational 284 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,240 animal state of existence 285 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,320 in which navigation is not yet distinguishable 286 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,040 from simply running around. 287 00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,360 The boy patient clearly identifies himself with the minor character, 288 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:01,560 Ginger, 289 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,840 who is excluded from the adventure 290 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,440 because he is navigationally inadequate. 291 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,400 Ginger? That's me. 292 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:14,560 Inadequate? What a bally awful tone, don't you know, what ho, old chap. 293 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,320 - You've been bloody reading again. - I haven't. 294 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,120 Well, what's this in my hand? 295 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:33,160 Oh, it's The Interpretation of Dreams, by Sigmund Freud, 296 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,760 probably his most original work, 297 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,480 in which he discovered a way of exploring the unconscious 298 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,000 and found that neurotic symptoms are like dreams, 299 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,320 in that they are a product of conflict and compromise 300 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,600 between the conscious and unconscious states... 301 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,640 - He was able to... - Is it? 302 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,360 What's this? 303 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:51,200 "Sucking at the mother's breast 304 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:55,520 "is the starting point for the whole sexual life, 305 00:18:55,520 --> 00:19:00,440 "the unmatched prototype of every latent sexual satisfaction"? 306 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,560 I've got the haddock. Now, what were you saying? 307 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:08,240 Oh, another book, dear? What is it this time? 308 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,560 Nothing. Just a road map. 309 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,280 Who's "Frood," then? 310 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:17,960 He's an expert on...navigation. Very interesting. 311 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,240 His theories on navigation, you see. Longitude and latitude. 312 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,360 - That sort of thing. - Ah, well. That's enough of that. 313 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,240 Let's get back to Mrs Richers with this haddock. 314 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,040 Right. 315 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,600 Quite a lot happened over the next few years. 316 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,840 A disastrous sexual experiment with Rita Blake, 317 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,240 my first love affair with another boy. 318 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:45,680 Ooh! 319 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,600 Stuffing snails into a gatepost with Annette Hoy, 320 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,240 the hen-stealing nuns, 321 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,400 Pigshit Freeman, 322 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,880 Miss Chamberlain's three consecutive head girls pregnant, 323 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:01,160 my questions about ejaculation to the biology master, 324 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:02,760 Albert the groundsman, 325 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,400 me holding hands with Mark Collins in a maths class, 326 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,440 painting John Wilder black, 327 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,160 "Who knows Eskimo Nell?", 328 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,520 M'sieur le bog va pooh, 329 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,960 and elderly spinsters wanking off birthday cakes. 330 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,640 But such trivia needs no elaboration. 331 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,800 One childhood is much like another. 332 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,720 Amateur psychologists who think it clever 333 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,600 to explain the character of the later man 334 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,960 for a jumble of largely fictitious memories 335 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,440 can ferret for their filth in other people's autobiographies. 336 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,080 MONKEYS SCREECH 337 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,520 HORN HONKS 338 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:41,720 PFFRRRT! 339 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,000 MONKEY JABBERS 340 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,000 In the spring of nineteen sixty-splunge, 341 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,360 John Cleese and Graham Chapman 342 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:56,360 thought they might like to do another television programme. 343 00:20:56,360 --> 00:21:00,120 In another part of London, Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Eric Idle, 344 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:03,080 and an American draft dodger - and who can blame him? - 345 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,560 called Terry Vance Gilliam thought they would too. 346 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:10,600 Me? Ahem. I still like Owl-Stretching Time. 347 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,920 Of course, it was my idea. Terry Jones. 348 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,280 PIANO TINKLES 349 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,520 And lots of noises only the Welsh can make. 350 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,200 I still like A Horse, A Bucket And A Spoon. 351 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,520 His suggestion. J Cleese. 352 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,920 Look, you Welsh git. We discarded that about two hours ago. 353 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,480 Oh, fucking hell! 354 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,920 I remember not being particularly interested 355 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,400 in the debate about titles. 356 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:34,160 Had I given up medicine for trivia such as this? 357 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,560 - Aren't we able to talk about things? - Yes. 358 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,560 But do we have to go on about it in such a high-pitched voice? 359 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:40,680 Eee! 360 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,760 John Cleese guffaws like a barrister having made his point. 361 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,160 This winds Terry Jones up to near violence. 362 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,360 Of course I go on about it. It's fucking important. 363 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,440 Terry, would you or would you not say 364 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:55,280 that the rest of us have already agreed that we don't like it? 365 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:59,400 Characteristic of his temperament, T Jones calms down instantly, 366 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,760 having vented his spleen on inanimate objects. 367 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,360 I still like Owl Stretching Time. M Palin. 368 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:12,160 No, I've gone off that a bit. I prefer Sex And Violence, 369 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,160 But I think Terry's got a point about A Horse, A Bucket And A Spoon. 370 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:16,440 Oh, sorry. Sorry, Graham. 371 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,640 You're doing all the voices in this bit, aren't you? 372 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,680 I'll shut up. 373 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:23,840 M Palin. 374 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,840 No, I've gone off that a bit. I prefer Sex And Violence, 375 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,720 but I do think Terry's got a point about A Horse, A Bucket And A Spoon. 376 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,440 Oh, come off it. 377 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,200 And so it was decided to call it... 378 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,800 Monty Python's Flying Circus. 379 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,440 MUSIC SWELLS 380 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,240 CLATTERING 381 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,320 MUSIC: "Zadok the Priest" by George Frideric Handel 382 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:06,680 Cambridge, a university town built in a featureless, flat landscape. 383 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,080 So featureless, in fact, 384 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,320 you wonder why anyone chose it as a location for anything. 385 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,360 The magnificence of St John's, 386 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:20,440 the noteworthy splendour of Trinity, 387 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,720 the sheer portliness of the banks 388 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:28,200 and some very high walls, behind which a semi-aristocratic elite 389 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,920 could hide from the outside world 390 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,200 and go to each other's rooms for sherry. 391 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,920 And gazing at the magnificent, 392 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,560 noteworthy, sheer splendour of the portly King's College chapel, 393 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:47,360 it would be a world-weary traveller indeed who did not pause to think, 394 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:51,440 "Why the fuck didn't they build the whole town two inches to the right?" 395 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:52,880 Sorry! 396 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,040 BELL TOLLS 397 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:39,680 Hmm. 398 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,240 Tsk. Hmm. 399 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,040 Hmm. 400 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,080 GLASS SHATTERS 401 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:01,040 Argh! 402 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,080 Stop! Everybody stop! Right. 403 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,600 If I find any more of you bloody idiots 404 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,040 heating up ether over an open flame, 405 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,920 I'll...I'll kill you! 406 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:12,600 I haven't been a munitions expert in two world wars 407 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,080 to get slaughtered by a load of ignorant tits! 408 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,120 If you don't know what you're doing, get out! 409 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:27,320 Ahem... 410 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,080 - So, Chapman... - Yes. - Let's see. 411 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,320 Oh, now, do you play rugby? 412 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,560 I play for Melton Mowbray Rugby Football Club, first team. 413 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,600 - What position do you play? - Second row. 414 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,360 That's good. We need a second row. 415 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:50,640 Absolutely. We'll see you in September. 416 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:57,320 Ahem, there is just one small matter, of course. Just a formality. 417 00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,400 Your A-level results here. You're taking three A-levels? 418 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,760 - Oh, yes, yes. - Will you pass physics? 419 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,560 No. 420 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,480 Why not? 421 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,040 Uh...well, I'm not sure. 422 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:13,160 Not sure, eh? That means you're in doubt? 423 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:15,440 - Well, no... - Do you mean yes? 424 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,800 Uh...yes. 425 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,680 So a pass may be possible, eh? 426 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:22,560 Uh, yes. Possible. 427 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,680 - Probable, even? - Well, I, uh... 428 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,160 Let me put it another way. 429 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,480 Are you going to fail? 430 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,440 No. 431 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,080 No? 432 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,360 - How did it go? - Oh, fine. 433 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:43,160 Mind you, I've got to pass physics. 434 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,520 Well, you'll do that, won't you? 435 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,000 DOG BARKS 436 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,080 LAUGHTER ON TV 437 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,360 I think at about this juncture, 438 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:58,520 it would be wise to point out to those of you who haven't noticed, 439 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,240 and God knows it's apparent enough, 440 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,320 Jonathan Miller and myself come from good families 441 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:06,560 and have had the benefits of a public school education. 442 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,680 Whereas the other two members of the cast 443 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:12,440 have worked their way up from working-class origins. 444 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,280 And yet Jonathan and I are working together with them in the cast... 445 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:18,760 LAUGHTER 446 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,200 ..and treating them as equals. 447 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,400 And I'd like to say it's proving to be a most enjoyable, 448 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,360 worthwhile and stimulating experience for both of us. 449 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:34,360 - Wouldn't you agree, Jonathan? - Certainly is. 450 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,120 I'm most impressed by the whole thing. 451 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,440 It's...it's your results. 452 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:42,840 Ah. 453 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,720 What... What does it... What does it say? 454 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,040 It says... It says... 455 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,680 Three passes! That means you're in, doesn't it? 456 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,280 Well done, Graham. 457 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:08,080 # Rejoice! Rejoice! # 458 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:10,680 I have been accepted by Emmanuel College. 459 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,240 I've bought a gown, several club ties, 460 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,480 walked around in a tweed suit with a pipe and tried to look clever. 461 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:17,720 The pipe was very useful, 462 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,760 because it meant that if anyone said anything I didn't understand, 463 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,160 I could puff on it and seem incredibly deep in thought. 464 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:26,680 The tweed suit didn't fool anybody, but the pipe worked a treat. 465 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,600 In tutorials, I was asked fewer questions. 466 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:33,160 It also helped clobber the stench of formalin in the dissecting rooms. 467 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:38,240 Describe the vagina. 468 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,800 - Kevin. - Um, right. 469 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,680 Well, it's a sensitive organ. 470 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:50,320 What do you mean? 471 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:54,160 Well, it's about four and a half inches long 472 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,360 and it's, uh...very sensitive. 473 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:57,520 Balls! 474 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:01,840 The only thing sensitive about the vagina is in the front of it, lad. 475 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,000 Apart from a certain sensation 476 00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:07,360 because something has passed through the perineal musculature, 477 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,880 the vagina itself is virtually numb! 478 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:15,320 You answer shows not only a lack of anatomical knowledge, 479 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:18,240 but a complete social ignorance. 480 00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:22,400 You've obviously never slept with a woman! 481 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:23,640 Ooh! 482 00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:28,560 No! Aah! 483 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,920 Ooh... Not that bit! 484 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,120 Agh! 485 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:35,520 I'm awfully sorry, old chap, 486 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,320 but sex is a rather difficult subject 487 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:39,360 and I don't know what came over me. 488 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,920 Oh, well. Better go and have lunch, I suppose. 489 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:43,680 Anyone coming to the bun shop? 490 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,920 Oh, thank God. That was a short tutorial. 491 00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:53,400 In my first year at Cambridge, 492 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,400 I tried to join the Footlights Club, 493 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,280 realising that the only reason I'd gone there in the first place 494 00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,480 was that I'd seen a television version 495 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,360 of a Footlights annual revue. 496 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,760 I impersonated a carrot 497 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,920 and a man with iron fingertips being pulled offstage 498 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:09,520 by an enormous magnet. 499 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,840 Really super. 500 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:16,720 In the same set of auditions, 501 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:20,320 John Cleese did a routine of trampling on hamsters 502 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,640 and can still do a good pain-ridden squeak. 503 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:24,680 SQUELCH 504 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:26,120 SQUEAK 505 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:27,160 SQUELCH 506 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:28,720 SQUEAK 507 00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:29,760 SQUELCH 508 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:30,800 SQUEAK 509 00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:34,280 How about that? 510 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,200 LAUGHTER 511 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:37,440 We were both selected 512 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,400 and very soon were able to wear black taffeta sashes 513 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,480 with "Ars Est Celare Artem" on them, 514 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,360 "The art is to conceal the art." 515 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:53,720 March 1964. The new biochemistry and physiology block 516 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,880 was being opened by Her Majesty the Queen Mother. 517 00:30:56,880 --> 00:30:59,960 At the time, being secretary of the Students' Union, 518 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,160 I was invited to join Her Majesty for tea 519 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:04,360 with other representatives of the student body 520 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,000 after her tour of the new premises. 521 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:08,240 I was very pleased to find out 522 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,360 that she had asked to come to tea with the students 523 00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:14,520 and not with a lot of old gits in red gowns and stupid floppy hats. 524 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:28,280 - Ah, yes. - How do you take yours? 525 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,440 Gin and Slimline tonic with ice but no lemon in, Your Majesty. 526 00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:35,280 Cheers. 527 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:37,360 During tea, I explained to Her Majesty 528 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,640 that I had the offer of going to New Zealand 529 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,200 as a member of the cast of Cambridge Circus, a revue, 530 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,280 but that this would mean taking six months off medicine, 531 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:48,120 and my parents had yelped strongly against this. 532 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:50,480 SLURS: You really must see New Zealand. 533 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:53,200 It's a very beautiful place. 534 00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,840 My sexual life consisted of going to bed with women 535 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,920 while dreaming about men. 536 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,800 The first one was the student's traditional friend, a nurse. 537 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,680 She was rather podgy and extremely repellent, 538 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,960 but I just wanted to get my end away. 539 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:17,440 She was a real "lie down and think of hockey and England" type, 540 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:21,360 and after a brief grope that was not enthusiastically received, 541 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,280 I looked her hard in the breasts and thought, "Yuck. 542 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:26,800 "The bar's still open. I'll get rid of her." 543 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,040 There was another female student. 544 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,560 She was getting a lot of attention from the lads, 545 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:36,760 but of a rather fawning, not daring to ask nature. 546 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,320 I sat down at her table. 547 00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:39,600 Ignoring her minions, 548 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:42,840 I boldly passed her a plate of sandwich spread sandwiches 549 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:44,960 and asked her if she'd go. 550 00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:48,200 She was intelligent enough to say, "See you in my room tonight." 551 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,720 We had a bloody good time for a whole year. 552 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,280 She was athletic and imaginative. 553 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:53,720 We went right through the card. 554 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:56,800 It wasn't just British missionary, but doggie on the floor, 555 00:32:56,800 --> 00:33:00,240 on the floor standing, on the desk, in the shower, in the bath, 556 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:03,360 near the bath, at someone else's place while they weren't looking, 557 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:06,120 and in a guard's van through the whole of Birmingham. 558 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,880 The description of this passage has made me feel... 559 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:10,240 Excuse me. 560 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:11,960 Ahem... 561 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,000 Phew, that's better. 562 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:18,600 I liked the experience, but after nine months or so, it began to pall 563 00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:21,360 and I felt I would rather spend more time in the bar 564 00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:22,760 drinking with the lads. 565 00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:25,160 This is hardly even partly true, in retrospect. 566 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,760 It's just that I definitely do remember once or twice 567 00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:31,280 thoughts of men's bodies creeping into my mind while in coitus. 568 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:44,400 I decided that I should do some clinical tests on myself, 569 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:47,880 so whenever I went in a taxicab, tube, train or bus, 570 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:49,280 I looked at each passer-by 571 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:51,120 and tried to tell myself honestly 572 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,880 which ones I would like to go to bed with. 573 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:59,200 And the ratio of boys to girls was something like seven to three, 574 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,200 which puts me clearly on the homosexual side of the scale, 575 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:04,960 - as suggested in the Kinsey Report. - SIREN BLARES 576 00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:13,040 Look. He says he's on tour 577 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:16,800 with something called Cambridge Circus, a revue. 578 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:19,240 The Queen Mother told him, you know, 579 00:34:19,240 --> 00:34:21,720 and, as Her Majesty was telling Graham, 580 00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:24,200 New Zealand is such a beautiful place. 581 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:26,480 She said he really had to go and see it. 582 00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,400 It's by royal command, really. 583 00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,360 A trip to New Zealand and America 584 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,680 made me a little more broad-minded about myself, 585 00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:42,640 and immediately after qualifying, 586 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:45,000 I gave up medicine and became a raging poof. 587 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,840 But no mincing - a butch one, with a pipe. 588 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:48,880 FANFARE 589 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,600 Graham, taxi's here for the BBC! 590 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:24,440 MUSIC: "The Frost Report Theme" by Johnny Dankworth 591 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:45,560 APPLAUSE 592 00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,120 Thank you very much indeed. Tonight - class. 593 00:35:56,120 --> 00:36:00,600 Some people say it's disappearing, but if modern advertising... 594 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:03,920 Action! 595 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:07,280 KNOCK AT DOOR 596 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:08,880 Come in. 597 00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:13,480 Ah, come in, Thompson. Nice to see you. It's time we had a little chat. 598 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:16,400 - Thank you, sir. - Good. 599 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:20,000 Don't sit on the floor, Thompson. Sit on the chair. 600 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:22,360 - Good, well... - Thank you. - How are you, Thompson? 601 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:24,920 - Fine, sir. - Good. Splendid. You look well. 602 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:28,760 I was talking this morning to Mr Evans about your Latin verse. 603 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:31,200 - Bit shaky. Prose is all right, but verse is weak. - Yes, sir. 604 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:33,680 You've got to do something about it, it's very important. 605 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:35,760 - Yes, sir. - Hmm. 606 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,080 Thompson, have you been shot? 607 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,040 Yes, sir. Just a bit. 608 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:45,720 Well, who shot you? A master or a boy? 609 00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:48,120 - A boy, sir. - Oh, good. 610 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:56,520 Hi, guys. Hello. Super show tonight. Super. 611 00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,600 Look, I can't stop. Got a flight to catch. 612 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:02,080 I was thinking you boys ought to write a film script. 613 00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:04,520 It'd be super, absolutely super. 614 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:07,680 I'm sending you off to Spain to write the script. It'll be great fun. 615 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:10,840 Anyway, I've got to go. They're calling my flight. Byeee! 616 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:12,160 Super. 617 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:21,480 BELL RINGS 618 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:25,400 Well, now we're here, 619 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:28,760 the first thing we should do is examine all the beaches 620 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:32,840 to find out which will be the best place to write a film set in London. 621 00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:36,360 Well, it usually takes me two weeks to get acclimatised 622 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:39,240 and I still haven't thrown off this throat. 623 00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:42,960 It is rather hot, isn't it? I'm feeling a bit groggy myself. 624 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,840 Perhaps a couple of weeks' rest might be a good idea. 625 00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:48,720 But do you think we should? I mean, David frost and all that. 626 00:37:48,720 --> 00:37:52,560 - He has paid us, Graham. - Yes, I suppose you're right. 627 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,920 Yes, well, I'll probably be all right tomorrow. 628 00:37:56,920 --> 00:37:58,200 Yes, right. That's fine. 629 00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:00,800 Yes, we'll start tomorrow, first thing in the morning. 630 00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:03,040 Right. Yes, yes, yes. Fine, then. 631 00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:05,160 I'll sit in the shade with the typewriter 632 00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:07,720 and you can sit out on the balcony in the sun sunning yourself 633 00:38:07,720 --> 00:38:09,360 and shout a few lines in, right? 634 00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:10,720 Fine. Great. 635 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:15,120 Oh, bugger. 636 00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:17,920 Graham, do you mind if we don't start till the evening, actually? 637 00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,240 Only I promised to take Connie to Cala Bassa tomorrow, 638 00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:21,960 and she's only got a few more days here. 639 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:24,720 Bit awkward to get out of it now, you know? Damn! 640 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:27,520 Oh, that's fine by me. We have done a synopsis of the film. 641 00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:29,640 I mean, I wouldn't mind taking a bit of time off. 642 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:33,080 - So, we'll start on Friday, yes? - Yes. Right. 643 00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:36,840 Um... Be a bit noisy, but we can shut ourselves away. 644 00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,360 - Noisy? - Well, there's the fiesta this weekend. 645 00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:42,320 Lots of dancing, fireworks, wine and that sort of thing. 646 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,560 Oh. I've never been to Spain before. 647 00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:47,240 Haven't you? Oh, well. You must, then. 648 00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:50,000 You must go to the fiesta. So let's have a drink. 649 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:53,040 That brings us to Monday. We'll start on Monday. 650 00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:56,120 No, Monday and Tuesday are Connie's last two days 651 00:38:56,120 --> 00:38:58,920 and I'd like to see her off at the airport on Wednesday, 652 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:00,280 so let's start Thursday. 653 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,480 Look, why don't we make it two weeks? 654 00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:04,080 Done. 655 00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:11,440 I say... 656 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:13,560 Just look at that. 657 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,480 BELL RINGS 658 00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:34,520 CHICKEN CLUCKS 659 00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,120 I spent the next two weeks searching for something 660 00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:42,120 that I knew was probably very sexy. 661 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:57,040 ROMANTIC MUSIC 662 00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:03,240 RECORD SCRATCHES 663 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:06,640 MUSIC RESUMES 664 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:47,480 HE TITTERS 665 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:49,920 STRANGLED GIGGLING 666 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:55,560 Super, boys, super. Really super. 667 00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:58,400 I look forward to reading more than ten pages. 668 00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:00,680 Ooh, got to fly - byeee! 669 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:11,160 'Brring-brring, brring-brring...' 670 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:13,920 Hello? 671 00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:17,000 'Who was that?' 672 00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:18,560 Oh, it was one of the painters. 673 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:21,520 'It sounded like one of the painters I've spoken to before.' 674 00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:24,080 Well, yes, it probably did a bit. 675 00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:26,240 'It's a bit late for painting, isn't it?' 676 00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:28,720 No, no. You just don't understand London, mother. 677 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,640 This is not like Leicester. 678 00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:34,400 For a whole year, I've lived in terror, an almost Thorpean terror, 679 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,520 of being found out for what I was. A poof. 680 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,480 "Fuck it," I thought. "Why go through all this agony?" 681 00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,600 I decided that I would invite my closest friends to a party 682 00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:47,520 to meet David and explain to them all that I was a bit bent. 683 00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:49,720 This was a coming-out party. 684 00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:50,760 DOORBELL RINGS 685 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,160 No, Graham, you don't understand. 686 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:03,240 I'm just very surprised. 687 00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:06,600 Ever since I've known you, you've played rugby, drank a lot of beer, 688 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:10,160 you smoked a pipe, you wore a tweed suit and brogues 689 00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:13,640 and this is not a standard gay profile. 690 00:42:16,240 --> 00:42:17,960 HE CACKLES 691 00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:20,680 Yes. 692 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:22,120 Ooh! 693 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:23,920 CACKLING CONTINUES 694 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:32,040 The other extraordinary reaction was from Keith Moon, 695 00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:36,040 who was quite stunned. Obviously, he was quite young then, 696 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:38,320 but I had to explain to him what it all meant - 697 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:41,680 that I actually did go to bed with people of the same sex, 698 00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,760 and that it was quite fun and we actually loved each other. 699 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:46,520 It wasn't at all naughty. 700 00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:49,200 - GUESTS: Bye, Graham. - Bye, Graham. - Bye, Graham. - Bye! 701 00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:50,240 DOOR CLOSES 702 00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:03,760 'Come in.' 703 00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:08,120 - YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - Trouble at mill. - Oh, no. What sort of trouble? 704 00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:10,520 One of t' crossbeams gone out of skew on treadle. 705 00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:11,600 Pardon? 706 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:14,200 One of t' crossbeams gone out of skew on treadle. 707 00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:15,960 I don't understand. 708 00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:19,680 - RP ACCENT: - One of the crossbeams has gone out of skew on the treadle. 709 00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:21,920 - But what on earth does that mean? - I don't know, 710 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,440 Mr Wentworth just told me to come in 711 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:25,560 and say there was trouble at the mill, that's all. 712 00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:28,000 I didn't expect a kind of Spanish inquisition. 713 00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:35,320 Suddenly I feel like digressing for another moment about morality. 714 00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:38,760 I intend to publish here for the first time 715 00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:42,360 what I believe to be a missing portion of the New Testament. 716 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,280 MUFFLED TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT 717 00:43:51,840 --> 00:43:55,360 The papyrus manuscript, translated here from the original Greek, 718 00:43:55,360 --> 00:44:00,480 was discovered in 1979 by the author at Auckland airport. 719 00:44:02,720 --> 00:44:05,160 It was there, in transit to Sydney, Australia, 720 00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:06,640 whiling away a few moments, 721 00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,040 when the manuscript was given to him 722 00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:11,680 by a Maori chieftain toilet attendant. 723 00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:14,120 The first epistle of Paul the Apostle 724 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,040 to the New Zealanders, AD 59. 725 00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:17,920 Chapter 1, 726 00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:19,360 in which Paul castigated 727 00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,040 the Antipodeans' empty showing of holiness, 728 00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:24,520 of fornicators and abusers of mankind, 729 00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:26,440 of poverty and tolerance, 730 00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:29,720 exorteth them to beware of false prophets. 731 00:44:29,720 --> 00:44:32,120 "Dear New Zealanders, what is all this nonsense 732 00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:35,680 "about certain of your number kneeling down in front of crosses? 733 00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,520 "That is naughty in the extreme. 734 00:44:38,520 --> 00:44:41,680 "You've changed the glory of an incorruptible god into an image. 735 00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:45,720 "I understand that the very same people collect together in churches 736 00:44:45,720 --> 00:44:48,600 for the purpose of worship. Who needs it? 737 00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:50,320 "God doesn't. I've asked him. 738 00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:52,800 "He's fed up with it, especially the psalms. 739 00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:56,160 "They give him a headache and cause his teeth to strike together. 740 00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:58,600 "Don't they realise their praise is meaningless? 741 00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:02,320 "Why can't they concentrate on being better behaved towards one another 742 00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:05,040 "and forget about this empty show of holiness? 743 00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:07,040 "He says, though don't quote me on this, 744 00:45:07,040 --> 00:45:09,640 "'They can stuff it up their arses.' 745 00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:11,440 "He said that, not I. 746 00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:15,240 "I, a mere mortal, would not have put it quite like that. 747 00:45:15,240 --> 00:45:18,480 "I'm afraid I think too much about my earthly reputation, 748 00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:20,280 "but I cannot help agreeing with him 749 00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:22,720 "about fornicators, adulterers, 750 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,360 "effeminates and abusers of mankind. 751 00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:27,800 "I'm constantly being misquoted on this point. 752 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:31,520 "I would like to state quite clearly that sex is nothing more 753 00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:33,480 "than the way in which two or more people 754 00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:35,640 "can have lots of harmless, cheap fun, 755 00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:39,680 "provided that they are clean and that the aim is not reproduction. 756 00:45:41,760 --> 00:45:44,320 "The betterment of the lot of mankind is impossible 757 00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:46,360 "without strict limits on reproduction, 758 00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:48,960 "so don't make the mistake the rest of the world has made 759 00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:50,480 "and overpopulate yourselves. 760 00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:53,640 "Not everyone has to have children, for Christ's sake. 761 00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:56,240 "He didn't have any and I should know. 762 00:45:56,240 --> 00:45:58,720 "If you really feel you have to have children, 763 00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:00,680 "then make sure that, as parents, 764 00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:03,440 "you have no more than you can properly look after. 765 00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:06,400 "I exhort you to be empathetic, 766 00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,800 "be splendid, be aware of your own ignorance, 767 00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:13,280 "and, as always, beware of those who claim to lead you 768 00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:16,120 "to better self-knowledge by taking your money. 769 00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:19,920 "Must finish now as I have to catch the post. 770 00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:22,520 "Lots of love, P. Kiss, kiss, kiss." 771 00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:28,160 MUFFLED: # Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle 772 00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:30,040 # Hobbes was fond of his dram, 773 00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:32,480 # And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart 774 00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,240 # "I drink, therefore I am." 775 00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:40,720 # Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed 776 00:46:40,720 --> 00:46:44,440 # A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed. # 777 00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:51,400 Mr Chapman? Two minutes till act two, Mr Chapman. 778 00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:54,520 Full of gin and the feeling of superiority over mortals 779 00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:56,640 which commonly afflicts the adulated, 780 00:46:56,640 --> 00:47:00,360 I'd reached my zenith in a naughty and, to this day, illegal act 781 00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:02,440 upon the floor of an empty dressing room. 782 00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:06,960 # Sit on my face And tell me that you love me 783 00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:10,840 # I'll sit on your face And tell you I love you 784 00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:14,280 # I love to hear you oralise 785 00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:17,960 # When I'm between your thighs You blow me away 786 00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:22,360 # Sit on my face And let my lips embrace you 787 00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:26,440 # I'll sit on your face And then I'll love you truly 788 00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:29,960 # Life can be fine If we both 69 789 00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:32,040 # If we sit on our faces In all sorts of places 790 00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:36,320 # And play till we're blown away. # 791 00:47:38,240 --> 00:47:40,320 What kind of a fellow is Monty Python, by the way? 792 00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:45,120 - Erm, he's black. - Black, and... - ..and he's homosexual. 793 00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:47,440 That's all you can say about him, really. 794 00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:49,480 He's a pretty easy person to sum up. 795 00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,800 Good grief. There's no-one to go to bed with. 796 00:47:57,800 --> 00:48:01,080 Where are all the young men around here? This is absolutely dreadful. 797 00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,360 KNOCK AT DOOR 798 00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:06,400 Ta-da! 799 00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:08,400 Oh, all right. 800 00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:13,760 # Sit on my face And tell me that you love me... # 801 00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:16,360 Could you try and keep the noise down?! 802 00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:19,960 'Knock it off!' 803 00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:24,440 - # When I'm between your thighs - You blow me away... # 804 00:48:24,440 --> 00:48:26,320 'Be quiet!' 805 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:27,920 COCK CROWS 806 00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:32,520 # Sit on my face, mama 807 00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:36,000 # Sit on my face Baby, baby 808 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:39,760 # Ooh-ooh-ooh 809 00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:43,520 # Sit on my face In all sorts of places 810 00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:48,000 # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. # 811 00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:50,160 What's it like being a film star? 812 00:48:50,160 --> 00:48:53,800 I'm not. I'm just an extra. 813 00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:56,160 - You're just an extra? - Yes. 814 00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:58,440 It's the crown and this that probably... 815 00:48:58,440 --> 00:49:00,600 Yeah, I was looking for Graham Fink. 816 00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:02,560 - Ah, yes. He's around somewhere. - Is he? 817 00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:08,680 DISCO VERSION: # Sit on my face Come on, baby 818 00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:12,360 # Let my lips embrace 819 00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:17,640 # Tell me that you love me 820 00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:28,120 # Sit on my face And tell me that you love me 821 00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:31,440 # I'll sit on your face And tell you I love you too 822 00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:34,920 # I love to hear you oralise 823 00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:38,280 # When I'm between your thighs You blow me away 824 00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:42,160 # Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you 825 00:49:42,160 --> 00:49:45,720 # I'll sit on your face And then I'll love you truly 826 00:49:45,720 --> 00:49:48,840 # Life can be fine If we both 69 827 00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:51,040 # If we sit on our faces In all sorts of places 828 00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:57,120 # And play till we're blown away # 829 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,600 RINGING TONE 830 00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:34,400 'Good afternoon. Beverly Hills Hotel reception.' 831 00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:36,600 Ugh! Los Angeles. 832 00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:39,960 - TV: - Up, down. Up, down. 833 00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:46,680 Up, down. Up, down. 834 00:50:46,680 --> 00:50:48,680 Up, down. 835 00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:54,160 Up, down. Up, down... 836 00:50:55,960 --> 00:50:58,080 Up, down. Up, down... 837 00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:13,360 - Hi! - Hi. 838 00:51:13,360 --> 00:51:16,600 Oh! Ain't you that guy? 839 00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:20,240 I'm so thrilled to meet you! 840 00:51:20,240 --> 00:51:24,400 I love your Monty Python. 841 00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:27,280 - Shall we go up to my room? - Sure! 842 00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:45,600 Ah. There. You enjoying that? 843 00:51:45,600 --> 00:51:48,560 Ooh, yeah. Do you feel that? 844 00:51:48,560 --> 00:51:50,600 I feel that. 845 00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:53,440 Just get right in there. 846 00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:56,520 Ahhh... Uh! 847 00:52:00,080 --> 00:52:01,960 Bye, Graham. 848 00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:05,520 Oh, and do say hello to Monty for me. 849 00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:08,320 Tell him I'm his biggest fan! 850 00:52:13,320 --> 00:52:15,520 That was fun. Zoom. 851 00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,240 Um, excuse me. 852 00:52:23,240 --> 00:52:25,600 Is there a telephone around here I can use? 853 00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,640 Sure. Use the one in my room. 854 00:52:28,640 --> 00:52:31,640 But it's my mother who needs to use the phone. 855 00:52:31,640 --> 00:52:35,520 Well, bring her up too. I don't mind if it's a local call. 856 00:52:35,520 --> 00:52:37,880 SHE CHATTERS 857 00:52:37,880 --> 00:52:41,360 Ooh, aah. 858 00:52:41,360 --> 00:52:43,400 Do that to me. Ooh. 859 00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:45,760 If it's an order, old guillemot. 860 00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:48,760 Ooh, big boy. Mm. 861 00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:51,240 Aah! Touch me here. 862 00:52:51,240 --> 00:52:53,920 Oh, my God. Do it to me there! 863 00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:57,040 - Right-o. Here it comes. - Ooh! Right there. 864 00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:59,200 Oh, my God. Yes! 865 00:52:59,200 --> 00:53:01,520 Oh, do that to me! Ooh! 866 00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:03,800 Big boy! Oh, my God! 867 00:53:03,800 --> 00:53:05,080 Oh, yeah. 868 00:53:05,080 --> 00:53:07,080 SHE MOANS 869 00:53:07,080 --> 00:53:09,360 Yes! Oh, my God! 870 00:53:09,360 --> 00:53:11,640 You, in fact, were more than... 871 00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:14,480 ..than drunk on one occasion. You were in fact an alcoholic. 872 00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:16,640 Yes, I did a lot of drinking, a great deal. 873 00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:19,280 - A very great deal indeed, Michael. Yes. - You were an alcoholic? 874 00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:22,640 You can safely say I did do a very great deal. 875 00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:26,480 And how much at your peak, so to speak, were you drinking? 876 00:53:26,480 --> 00:53:29,240 Four pints of gin a day. 877 00:53:29,240 --> 00:53:31,000 Four pints of gin a day? 878 00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:33,920 I didn't know Graham was an alcoholic. Did you? 879 00:53:33,920 --> 00:53:36,840 - Why was that, do you think? - Er... 880 00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:40,800 I think... Well, I don't know, really, the answer to that. 881 00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:45,320 Deep inside I think, actually, that I was insecure. 882 00:53:45,320 --> 00:53:48,560 I didn't really feel that I'd deserved the success 883 00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:49,840 that I'd achieved. 884 00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:52,560 How difficult was it? 885 00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:54,960 Actually, once the decision had been made, 886 00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:56,280 once I decided to stop, 887 00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:57,720 it was easy, 888 00:53:57,720 --> 00:54:01,520 except for the three days of unpleasantness... 889 00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:03,440 VOICE ECHOES 890 00:54:08,320 --> 00:54:10,440 Oh, get on with it. 891 00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:12,360 HEAVY BREATHING 892 00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:39,040 'Language!' 893 00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:43,120 FLY BUZZES 894 00:54:59,880 --> 00:55:03,680 - ECHOES: - 'You can't learn everything out of books.' 895 00:55:03,680 --> 00:55:05,200 'Come, Patsy!' 896 00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:17,360 Graham? Are you all right? You look a bit pale. 897 00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:20,560 Would you like a cup of tea and maybe a bit of toast? 898 00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:24,080 - With a nice poached egg on top? - No. I'm... I'll... 899 00:55:24,080 --> 00:55:28,200 J-Just a...m-moment. 900 00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:32,160 Later. I'll get up, be fine. 901 00:55:32,160 --> 00:55:35,920 - Uh, Vichy water? - N... Yes, yes. 902 00:55:35,920 --> 00:55:36,960 There. 903 00:55:43,080 --> 00:55:47,080 - Da-David, the curtains. - Sorry. 904 00:56:16,040 --> 00:56:17,560 HE PANTS 905 00:56:28,840 --> 00:56:32,480 # Silent night 906 00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:36,160 # Holy night 907 00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:38,920 # All is calm... # 908 00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:40,320 There. 909 00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:42,400 # All is bright... # 910 00:56:47,600 --> 00:56:49,800 Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, 911 00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:55,240 all the way from a mud-wrestling tour of the OPEC countries, 912 00:56:55,240 --> 00:56:58,840 in the red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris! 913 00:57:00,360 --> 00:57:04,960 And, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris! 914 00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:07,360 MUSIC: "The Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss II 915 00:57:07,360 --> 00:57:10,200 Well now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time 916 00:57:10,200 --> 00:57:13,600 that Colin "Bomber" Harris has met himself. 917 00:57:13,600 --> 00:57:16,480 A few formalities and we'll be ready for round one. 918 00:57:16,480 --> 00:57:19,080 There goes the bell. 919 00:57:19,080 --> 00:57:21,440 He just made it to the rope! 920 00:57:21,440 --> 00:57:25,080 Colin moves to the middle of the ring. He's looking for an opening. 921 00:57:25,080 --> 00:57:27,680 Going for the hand hold. He's got it. 922 00:57:27,680 --> 00:57:29,760 Into the head squeeze. 923 00:57:31,240 --> 00:57:35,080 A favourite move of Colin's. Fine there. 924 00:57:35,080 --> 00:57:37,960 Double overhead nostril. Should be able to twist out of this. 925 00:57:37,960 --> 00:57:39,720 And he does! He's looking pretty groggy. 926 00:57:39,720 --> 00:57:42,880 A lovely move there! And he's caught himself by surprise! 927 00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:45,240 Colin must be pretty pleased with himself, 928 00:57:45,240 --> 00:57:47,400 having caught himself out with that one. 929 00:57:48,960 --> 00:57:51,840 The strawberry whip! A vanilla whip! 930 00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:55,520 Chocolate whip! There it is. 931 00:57:55,520 --> 00:57:58,200 Colin's most famous whip. And there it is. 932 00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:01,040 He just got a little lucky, there. 933 00:58:01,040 --> 00:58:03,640 A double Eydie Gorme. There it is. 934 00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:05,240 Colin's most famous hold! 935 00:58:05,240 --> 00:58:07,720 The one-leg-over-shoulder Jerry Ford! 936 00:58:07,720 --> 00:58:09,520 And he's caught himself there, 937 00:58:09,520 --> 00:58:11,200 and Colin's in real trouble! 938 00:58:12,320 --> 00:58:14,880 And Colin did not like that one little bit! 939 00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:21,480 Double overhead back-kick and Colin must be pretty pleased with himself. 940 00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:24,920 A lovely move there! He's caught himself by surprise! 941 00:58:24,920 --> 00:58:28,520 And into the crayfish. No, it's a crawfish. 942 00:58:28,520 --> 00:58:30,640 And Colin bit himself on purpose there 943 00:58:30,640 --> 00:58:33,520 and has been given a public warning by the referee. 944 00:58:45,920 --> 00:58:48,800 'Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.' 945 00:58:48,800 --> 00:58:51,360 He's looking pretty groggy. And that is it! 946 00:58:51,360 --> 00:58:53,720 Colin "Bomber" Harris has knocked himself out 947 00:58:53,720 --> 00:58:56,760 and so he is the winner and he goes on next week 948 00:58:56,760 --> 00:58:59,320 to meet himself in the final. 949 00:59:10,320 --> 00:59:14,520 - Graham, you're an alcoholic. - Uh, yes. 950 00:59:14,520 --> 00:59:17,360 - Do you want not to be? - Yes. 951 00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,760 Right. We'll start the treatment. 952 00:59:19,760 --> 00:59:22,360 Your liver function tests are appalling. 953 00:59:22,360 --> 00:59:26,280 - Ten times over the acceptable norm of the gamma GTP, for instance. - Oh. 954 00:59:26,280 --> 00:59:30,360 But there's no sign of enlargement and, with a bit of luck, 955 00:59:30,360 --> 00:59:33,560 there's a chance you may not have damaged your liver permanently. 956 00:59:33,560 --> 00:59:36,400 We'll phase out the Heminevrin and Valium gradually 957 00:59:36,400 --> 00:59:38,600 and you can take an abstem tablet 958 00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:41,200 in the morning and one in the evening, 959 00:59:41,200 --> 00:59:43,240 so that if you drink any alcohol, 960 00:59:43,240 --> 00:59:46,360 you'll feel as ill as you were five days ago. 961 00:59:46,360 --> 00:59:48,560 It's up to you whether you drink or not. 962 00:59:48,560 --> 00:59:51,200 It's your liver. It's your life. 963 00:59:51,200 --> 00:59:52,520 CHEERING 964 00:59:56,520 --> 01:00:00,360 Oh, dear puss, London is far behind us. What shall we do now? 965 01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,320 - Meow. - What's that? Sing a song? 966 01:00:03,320 --> 01:00:06,640 - Meow. - What, now? For all the children? 967 01:00:06,640 --> 01:00:10,120 - Meow. - Shall we sing a song, children? 968 01:00:10,120 --> 01:00:11,360 ALL: Yes! 969 01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:16,480 # Of all the organs the body contains 970 01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:18,200 # The liver's the one for me 971 01:00:18,200 --> 01:00:20,120 # It processes food It deals with the waste 972 01:00:20,120 --> 01:00:22,560 # It's cleverer than a knee 973 01:00:22,560 --> 01:00:26,320 # When it throws up its hands at alcohol and makes you extremely ill 974 01:00:26,320 --> 01:00:28,360 # It's best to take heed You're not being a weed 975 01:00:28,360 --> 01:00:31,040 # You're just being sensible. # 976 01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,440 WOMAN: You've only got two stations! 977 01:00:38,440 --> 01:00:39,880 - MAN: - I bought Marylebone from you 978 01:00:39,880 --> 01:00:42,560 last time you landed on Graham's hotel on the Old Kent Road. 979 01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:44,760 - I'll give you the Water Works. - I don't want it. 980 01:00:44,760 --> 01:00:47,840 Perhaps Graham does. Graham? Do you want the Water Works? 981 01:00:47,840 --> 01:00:50,200 - No, I'll buy the camelopard. - What? 982 01:00:50,200 --> 01:00:53,680 It's a camel that looks like a leopard. A giraffe. 983 01:00:53,680 --> 01:00:56,200 He's gone again! 984 01:00:56,200 --> 01:00:58,360 Oh, Graham. 985 01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:02,160 # It's Christmas in heaven 986 01:01:02,160 --> 01:01:04,360 # Snow falls from the sky... # 987 01:01:04,360 --> 01:01:06,240 Do you know, last time I was in Paris, 988 01:01:06,240 --> 01:01:08,120 I really did ring John-Paul Sartre? 989 01:01:08,120 --> 01:01:10,120 And Simone de Beauvoir answered the phone 990 01:01:10,120 --> 01:01:12,320 and said that he was out distributing leaflets. 991 01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:13,680 Or was that a sketch? 992 01:01:20,240 --> 01:01:23,840 # It's Christmas in heaven 993 01:01:23,840 --> 01:01:26,640 # There's great films on TV... # 994 01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:31,600 Do I talk here? 995 01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:34,120 - No, Graham. That's the table lamp. - Oh... 996 01:01:34,120 --> 01:01:37,560 - The microphone's on your right. - Right. Good. 997 01:01:37,560 --> 01:01:39,000 Take 59. 998 01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:41,520 You bastards! We've been planning this for months! 999 01:01:41,520 --> 01:01:43,920 Well, tough titty for you, fish-face. 1000 01:01:43,920 --> 01:01:44,960 The raid backfires. 1001 01:01:44,960 --> 01:01:47,080 Brian is captured and all the rest are killed. 1002 01:01:47,080 --> 01:01:49,120 Brian, beaten, bruised and bleeding, 1003 01:01:49,120 --> 01:01:52,280 is thrown into Pilate's darkest stinking dungeon. 1004 01:01:52,280 --> 01:01:54,360 Marvellous. Let's move on. 1005 01:01:58,480 --> 01:02:00,640 Oh, you lucky bastard. 1006 01:02:03,240 --> 01:02:05,520 'Brian is on the run from the Romans 1007 01:02:05,520 --> 01:02:07,720 'and to avoid capture pretends to be a lobster.' 1008 01:02:07,720 --> 01:02:10,400 Sorry, Graham. We had a rogue lobster in there. 1009 01:02:10,400 --> 01:02:12,640 Oh, I'm sorry about that. Are we ready? 1010 01:02:12,640 --> 01:02:15,280 Brian trailer, take 60. 1011 01:02:15,280 --> 01:02:18,200 Brian is on the run from the Romans and to avoid lobster... 1012 01:02:18,200 --> 01:02:21,320 Sorry, we seem to have a colony of lobsters in there, Graham. 1013 01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:23,200 - Well, all right. - Take 61. 1014 01:02:23,200 --> 01:02:25,600 Brian is on the run from the Romans and, to avoid capture, 1015 01:02:25,600 --> 01:02:29,360 pretends to lob... Oh... Let's start it again. Sorry. 1016 01:02:29,360 --> 01:02:31,760 - Let's move on. - It's certainly clean. 1017 01:02:32,680 --> 01:02:34,080 An unbeliever! 1018 01:02:34,080 --> 01:02:35,240 ALL: An unbeliever! 1019 01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:39,080 Persecute! Kill the heretic! 1020 01:02:42,600 --> 01:02:45,840 Leave him alone! Leave him alone! 1021 01:02:45,840 --> 01:02:48,800 Brian seizes the opportunity to escape from the crowd 1022 01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:50,320 and goes home with Judith. 1023 01:02:50,320 --> 01:02:53,120 Alone together at last, the two rush naked at each other 1024 01:02:53,120 --> 01:02:55,080 and meet in a frenzy of darting tongues... 1025 01:02:55,080 --> 01:02:57,560 - Grabbing her... - Sorry, Graham. That bit's been cut. 1026 01:02:57,560 --> 01:03:00,240 - Has it? - Yes. All of it, I'm afraid. - Even this bit here? 1027 01:03:00,240 --> 01:03:01,960 Yes. The boys loved the lobster idea, 1028 01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:04,760 - so they're going to re-shoot that bit. - Oh. 1029 01:03:04,760 --> 01:03:07,400 OK, next bit, Graham, please. Take 62. 1030 01:03:07,400 --> 01:03:10,760 You're fucking nicked, me old beauty! 1031 01:03:10,760 --> 01:03:13,000 Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate, 1032 01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:15,040 where he is sentenced to be crucified. 1033 01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:17,160 Could we try one a little lighter, please? 1034 01:03:17,160 --> 01:03:20,080 - CHUCKLES: - Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate, 1035 01:03:20,080 --> 01:03:24,080 where he's sentenced to be... to be crucified. 1036 01:03:24,080 --> 01:03:26,760 - Yes, I think that's a little too light. - Well, what shall I try? 1037 01:03:26,760 --> 01:03:28,560 No problem, we'll use the take before. 1038 01:03:28,560 --> 01:03:30,880 Thanks, Graham. We'll be able to make all that work. 1039 01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:32,640 - Thanks for coming in. - That's it, is it? 1040 01:03:32,640 --> 01:03:36,040 Yes, that's it. If you want to collect your 30 pounds on the way out. 1041 01:03:36,040 --> 01:03:37,760 Yeah. 30 pounds... 1042 01:03:37,760 --> 01:03:40,960 Ahem, yes, well, uh... 1043 01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:42,720 HE WHISTLES 1044 01:03:42,720 --> 01:03:47,400 I was led to believe that probably it might be a little, um... 1045 01:03:47,400 --> 01:03:50,320 Yes, look. It's not a big budget movie, you know. 1046 01:03:50,320 --> 01:03:51,640 - Hm, 30 pounds... - I tell you what, 1047 01:03:51,640 --> 01:03:54,560 we'll have a whip round and see what loose change we've got 1048 01:03:54,560 --> 01:03:57,280 - and we should be able to give you another two pounds. - Ah, yes. 1049 01:03:57,280 --> 01:03:59,240 All right, yes. 1050 01:03:59,240 --> 01:04:01,280 Ahem. Goodbye. 1051 01:04:04,120 --> 01:04:07,880 # Friday night, Saturday morning 1052 01:04:07,880 --> 01:04:12,040 # Sit back and relax There's a weekend dawning 1053 01:04:12,040 --> 01:04:17,120 # Friday night, Saturday morning at last 1054 01:04:18,840 --> 01:04:22,840 # You've waited all this time 1055 01:04:22,840 --> 01:04:25,040 # So leave your problems behind... # 1056 01:04:25,040 --> 01:04:29,400 Will you please welcome hard-working mother of one, Graham Chapman. 1057 01:04:30,400 --> 01:04:32,560 Who's mummy's little baby? 1058 01:04:36,960 --> 01:04:40,400 - How beautifully you are clad. - And so are you. 1059 01:04:40,400 --> 01:04:43,280 - You're still butch, aren't you? - Oh, yeah. 1060 01:04:43,280 --> 01:04:47,120 Even though you go about telling people who haven't asked 1061 01:04:47,120 --> 01:04:49,080 - that you're gay. - Yes. 1062 01:04:49,080 --> 01:04:51,440 No! Oh, no! 1063 01:04:51,440 --> 01:04:52,640 Aah! 1064 01:04:52,640 --> 01:04:54,320 SHE SOBS 1065 01:04:56,040 --> 01:04:59,600 Graham, please don't tell your father. It'll kill him. 1066 01:04:59,600 --> 01:05:01,720 It won't kill him - of course it won't kill him. 1067 01:05:01,720 --> 01:05:03,120 It will! It'll kill him! 1068 01:05:04,280 --> 01:05:05,960 Of course it won't. Shut up. 1069 01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:09,280 Never mind. Let's go on to your manifesto. 1070 01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:13,000 You said that you would like to state quite clearly 1071 01:05:13,000 --> 01:05:17,080 that sex is nothing more than a way in which two or more people 1072 01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:21,000 can have lots of harmless, cheap fun, 1073 01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:25,440 provided that they are clean and that the aim is not reproduction. 1074 01:05:25,440 --> 01:05:26,800 Yes. 1075 01:05:26,800 --> 01:05:29,800 Look, Graham, your mother's told me why she's upset. 1076 01:05:29,800 --> 01:05:31,520 Don't worry about it. 1077 01:05:31,520 --> 01:05:34,680 If you want to go around talking about this stuff, it's fine. 1078 01:05:34,680 --> 01:05:37,760 She just doesn't understand these things. 1079 01:05:42,600 --> 01:05:45,800 ANNOUNCEMENT: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now two years later, 1080 01:05:45,800 --> 01:05:48,800 and we'll be shortly arriving at Los Angeles airport. 1081 01:05:48,800 --> 01:05:51,320 Would you please extinguish all cigarettes 1082 01:05:51,320 --> 01:05:53,080 and fasten your safety belts? 1083 01:05:54,440 --> 01:05:56,400 HE REPEATS IN SPANISH 1084 01:06:05,280 --> 01:06:07,400 HE REPEATS IN FRENCH 1085 01:06:35,640 --> 01:06:36,680 MOTOR APPROACHES 1086 01:06:41,760 --> 01:06:45,120 Hmm. This is the place. 1087 01:06:45,120 --> 01:06:46,360 DOORBELL RINGS 1088 01:06:47,560 --> 01:06:49,960 Come on. Open the door. 1089 01:06:52,200 --> 01:06:56,200 'Hello. Starlight emergency 24-hour luxury door-opening service. 1090 01:06:56,200 --> 01:06:58,320 'Opening doors to the stars.' 1091 01:06:58,320 --> 01:07:02,280 Yes. We need someone here straightaway to open our door. 1092 01:07:03,240 --> 01:07:06,840 It's account number 2248. 1093 01:07:11,800 --> 01:07:13,360 Hi! 1094 01:07:18,480 --> 01:07:20,320 Thank you, thank you. 1095 01:07:20,320 --> 01:07:24,680 Now, grip the teat and whet the micro-tome. 1096 01:07:24,680 --> 01:07:26,760 If tea party there be, 1097 01:07:26,760 --> 01:07:30,760 let cucumber be slivered to the thinnest with precision 1098 01:07:30,760 --> 01:07:35,280 and pressed twixt finest slices of good bread. 1099 01:07:35,280 --> 01:07:37,560 BOTH SHOUT 1100 01:07:46,120 --> 01:07:48,160 Bravo! Bravo! 1101 01:07:59,360 --> 01:08:01,640 Graham, isn't that George Lazenby over there, 1102 01:08:01,640 --> 01:08:04,760 seen enjoying a can of specially imported Foster's lager? 1103 01:08:04,760 --> 01:08:08,120 What, you mean behind Christopher Isherwood and Georgia Brown, 1104 01:08:08,120 --> 01:08:10,640 seen there enjoying a joke with Ian La Frenais? 1105 01:08:10,640 --> 01:08:14,120 Yes, between Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Bo Diddley and the piano, 1106 01:08:14,120 --> 01:08:16,960 all seen enjoying a brief rest in a tight schedule. 1107 01:08:18,960 --> 01:08:23,440 And who's that with the Hollywood psychiatrist, Dr Stuart Lerner? 1108 01:08:23,440 --> 01:08:26,160 It could be either Jane Seymour, Jenny Agutter, 1109 01:08:26,160 --> 01:08:29,400 Susan George, Shelly Duvall or Victor Borge. 1110 01:08:29,400 --> 01:08:32,920 - Victor Borge?! - Sorry. Did I say Victor Borge? 1111 01:08:32,920 --> 01:08:35,400 Only, I also thought I caught sight of Victor Borge 1112 01:08:35,400 --> 01:08:38,400 enjoying a quiet word with Charlton "Chuck" Heston 1113 01:08:38,400 --> 01:08:40,640 and screenwriter companion Alan Katz. 1114 01:08:40,640 --> 01:08:43,240 Yes, but who's the girl with Stuart Lerner? 1115 01:08:43,240 --> 01:08:46,520 Hmm. Ah! That's Sylvia Kristel. 1116 01:08:46,520 --> 01:08:49,080 Good God! 1117 01:08:49,080 --> 01:08:52,520 Graham, do you realise that in the last few minutes alone, 1118 01:08:52,520 --> 01:08:55,640 you've dropped no less than 17 famous names? 1119 01:08:55,640 --> 01:08:57,200 Have I? I didn't intend to. 1120 01:08:57,200 --> 01:08:59,360 It's just that I just happen to know these people - 1121 01:08:59,360 --> 01:09:02,360 they're friends of mine. Uh...they live here. 1122 01:09:02,360 --> 01:09:05,520 I want you to repeat what you've just said to yourself 1123 01:09:05,520 --> 01:09:08,480 and think about it as a medical man. 1124 01:09:08,480 --> 01:09:10,920 - You mean I've got... - Yes. 1125 01:09:10,920 --> 01:09:15,360 Niven-ism. It's a common enough complication of angelitis. 1126 01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:17,800 It's an endemic autobiographical complaint 1127 01:09:17,800 --> 01:09:20,600 whereby people live vicariously 1128 01:09:20,600 --> 01:09:23,400 through the fame of other people. 1129 01:09:23,400 --> 01:09:25,320 Ahh. 1130 01:09:28,520 --> 01:09:32,280 It was, coincidentally, David Frost's 40th birthday party, 1131 01:09:32,280 --> 01:09:34,320 his third that afternoon, 1132 01:09:34,320 --> 01:09:37,280 and I'd promised to try and look in for a moment or two. 1133 01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:43,120 Super! 1134 01:09:43,120 --> 01:09:45,880 Super, super. Super! 1135 01:09:47,720 --> 01:09:49,120 HE TITTERS 1136 01:09:52,040 --> 01:09:54,320 Really super. 1137 01:09:54,320 --> 01:09:57,480 # Happy birthday 1138 01:09:57,480 --> 01:10:01,200 - # Dear...David Frost! # - Super! 1139 01:10:01,200 --> 01:10:05,000 # We think you're swell 1140 01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:08,560 # You've achieved so much 1141 01:10:08,560 --> 01:10:12,680 # And done so well 1142 01:10:12,680 --> 01:10:17,160 # That everybody here agrees You deserve more OBEs 1143 01:10:17,160 --> 01:10:20,560 # And that was the message That was - oh! # 1144 01:10:21,960 --> 01:10:25,240 Super, super, super. Super. 1145 01:10:25,240 --> 01:10:27,080 Super. 1146 01:10:29,520 --> 01:10:30,640 On the way out, 1147 01:10:30,640 --> 01:10:32,600 I consoled an agitated Rod Stewart, 1148 01:10:32,600 --> 01:10:34,280 who unfortunately had had to come 1149 01:10:34,280 --> 01:10:35,640 to the party in person. 1150 01:10:35,640 --> 01:10:37,520 He'd only got married that morning 1151 01:10:37,520 --> 01:10:39,080 and the blow-ups of the happy couple 1152 01:10:39,080 --> 01:10:40,560 could not be processed in time. 1153 01:10:54,320 --> 01:10:55,840 GIRLS GIGGLE 1154 01:10:59,720 --> 01:11:00,760 FLIES BUZZ 1155 01:11:03,640 --> 01:11:04,680 PHONE RINGS 1156 01:11:06,360 --> 01:11:09,720 - Hello, Keith. - Hello, Graham. What do you want? 1157 01:11:09,720 --> 01:11:12,000 Would you like to come to a party at my place later on? 1158 01:11:12,000 --> 01:11:14,720 - I think I'm already at one. - George said he'd drop by. 1159 01:11:14,720 --> 01:11:18,000 - And Harry and Richard will be there. - Can I bring Mick and Ronnie? 1160 01:11:18,000 --> 01:11:20,640 - All right. See you later. - And Pete and Ringo? 1161 01:11:20,640 --> 01:11:22,160 Sure, OK. See you later. 1162 01:11:22,160 --> 01:11:25,160 I'm just going to nip off down through Boys Town on the way back. 1163 01:11:25,160 --> 01:11:28,200 - I want to pick up some zoom. - I'll bet that's not all. 1164 01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:35,560 Graham, you must face up to this name-dropping problem. 1165 01:11:35,560 --> 01:11:37,200 What should I do? Move to Finland? 1166 01:11:37,200 --> 01:11:40,200 You'll just have to sweat it out. 1167 01:11:40,200 --> 01:11:42,680 Isn't there anything I can do to speed up my recovery? 1168 01:11:42,680 --> 01:11:46,200 There is, but it isn't going to be pleasant, I'm afraid. 1169 01:11:46,200 --> 01:11:48,040 Revulsion therapy. 1170 01:11:48,040 --> 01:11:52,600 I'm going to prescribe an intensive course of Hollywood parties for you. 1171 01:11:52,600 --> 01:11:55,360 It's your only hope. 1172 01:12:15,240 --> 01:12:17,360 Hello, Graham... 1173 01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:29,280 Is that young lady all right over there, Graham? 1174 01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:32,320 It's working, Graham. Stick with it. 1175 01:13:03,480 --> 01:13:06,720 Good evening, Mr Chapman. I am Jose. 1176 01:13:06,720 --> 01:13:10,520 I'll be your star to bed tucker-inner to the stars this evening. 1177 01:13:10,520 --> 01:13:12,160 Jolly good. 1178 01:13:14,040 --> 01:13:15,440 HARP GLISSANDOS 1179 01:13:18,320 --> 01:13:20,760 I had slipped into a state of inertia. 1180 01:13:20,760 --> 01:13:23,400 All further activities seemed pointless. 1181 01:13:23,400 --> 01:13:26,360 I decided to have a farewell party. 1182 01:13:26,360 --> 01:13:29,200 David made the cucumber sandwiches 1183 01:13:29,200 --> 01:13:31,360 and I slipped out in my beige spacesuit 1184 01:13:31,360 --> 01:13:34,040 to see if the others would be prepared to pop along. 1185 01:13:34,040 --> 01:13:36,200 I stepped up nimbly through the air lock 1186 01:13:36,200 --> 01:13:39,800 and deftly percolated past Elton John's piano-shaped moon buggy. 1187 01:13:39,800 --> 01:13:43,240 He was obviously entertaining David Bowie and Ken Liberace, 1188 01:13:43,240 --> 01:13:45,400 so I passed on. 1189 01:13:46,720 --> 01:13:50,120 I knew the next space vehicle was occupied for an at-home evening 1190 01:13:50,120 --> 01:13:53,680 by David Hockney and Alan Bennett, comparing the size of their accents. 1191 01:13:53,680 --> 01:13:55,640 Custard cream, David? 1192 01:13:55,640 --> 01:13:58,560 Just a weak Darjeeling, please, Alan. 1193 01:13:58,560 --> 01:14:00,840 So I didn't bother with them. 1194 01:14:06,320 --> 01:14:08,800 - Can you come to our party? - No! 1195 01:14:08,800 --> 01:14:13,280 I have got to do the hoovering! 1196 01:14:22,280 --> 01:14:23,360 PHONES RING 1197 01:14:25,360 --> 01:14:27,800 - Can you come to our party? - Sorry, Gray. 1198 01:14:27,800 --> 01:14:30,360 Diary's absolutely chock-a-block. 1199 01:14:48,120 --> 01:14:51,600 "Here lies Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wilde. 1200 01:14:51,600 --> 01:14:53,520 "Gone out for good." 1201 01:15:07,960 --> 01:15:09,960 Can you come to our party? 1202 01:15:18,400 --> 01:15:21,200 There is a time in the affairs of greed, 1203 01:15:21,200 --> 01:15:23,720 which, taken at the kludge, leads on to brutalness. 1204 01:15:23,720 --> 01:15:27,920 A man is not a wasp, nor Dusseldorf built in a day. 1205 01:15:27,920 --> 01:15:32,040 Damon Runyon had a bunion. For all, they say, hey I. 1206 01:15:32,040 --> 01:15:33,960 What's that supposed to mean? 1207 01:15:33,960 --> 01:15:38,040 My heart bakes. A drowsy numbness fills me... 1208 01:15:38,040 --> 01:15:40,240 Let it be. Let it be. 1209 01:15:41,440 --> 01:15:45,240 Oh, come on, Wilde. What does that mean? 1210 01:15:45,240 --> 01:15:48,200 It means, Your Majesty, it means... 1211 01:15:48,200 --> 01:15:49,680 Pffrrrt! 1212 01:15:49,680 --> 01:15:51,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 1213 01:15:55,560 --> 01:15:58,800 Learn your lines. You had us waiting for hours. 1214 01:15:58,800 --> 01:16:01,040 I didn't think anyone noticed. 1215 01:16:01,040 --> 01:16:03,000 No, I suppose they didn't. 1216 01:16:03,000 --> 01:16:04,560 The end. 1217 01:16:10,600 --> 01:16:15,240 Graham Chapman, co-author of the parrot sketch, 1218 01:16:15,240 --> 01:16:19,280 is no more. He has ceased to be. 1219 01:16:19,280 --> 01:16:23,080 Bereft of life, he rests in peace. 1220 01:16:23,080 --> 01:16:26,280 He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, 1221 01:16:26,280 --> 01:16:30,480 bit the dust, snuffed it, wheezed his last 1222 01:16:30,480 --> 01:16:35,400 and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. 1223 01:16:36,520 --> 01:16:39,360 And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is 1224 01:16:39,360 --> 01:16:41,360 that a man of such talent, 1225 01:16:41,360 --> 01:16:46,440 of such capability for kindness, 1226 01:16:46,440 --> 01:16:49,720 of such unusual intelligence, 1227 01:16:49,720 --> 01:16:54,760 should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only 48 1228 01:16:54,760 --> 01:16:59,440 before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable 1229 01:16:59,440 --> 01:17:02,360 and before he'd had enough fun. 1230 01:17:03,840 --> 01:17:07,600 Well, I feel that I should say, "Nonsense. 1231 01:17:07,600 --> 01:17:10,120 "Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard. 1232 01:17:10,120 --> 01:17:11,960 "I hope he fries." 1233 01:17:14,200 --> 01:17:17,240 And the reason I feel I should say this... 1234 01:17:18,520 --> 01:17:21,440 ..is he would never forgive me if I didn't, 1235 01:17:21,440 --> 01:17:26,200 if I threw away this glorious opportunity 1236 01:17:26,200 --> 01:17:30,120 to shock you all on his behalf. 1237 01:17:30,120 --> 01:17:34,120 Anything, for him, but mindless good taste. 1238 01:17:44,120 --> 01:17:48,680 # Inflammation of the foreskin 1239 01:17:48,680 --> 01:17:51,760 # Reminds me of your smile 1240 01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:56,000 # I've had ballanital chancroids 1241 01:17:56,000 --> 01:17:59,560 # For quite a little while 1242 01:17:59,560 --> 01:18:03,360 # I gave my heart to NSU 1243 01:18:03,360 --> 01:18:07,320 # That lovely night in June 1244 01:18:07,320 --> 01:18:11,760 # I ache for you, my darling 1245 01:18:11,760 --> 01:18:16,240 # And I hope you'll get well soon 1246 01:18:16,240 --> 01:18:19,920 # My penile warts 1247 01:18:19,920 --> 01:18:24,840 # Your herpes My syphilitic sores 1248 01:18:24,840 --> 01:18:28,360 # Your monilial infection 1249 01:18:28,360 --> 01:18:32,040 # How I miss you more and more 1250 01:18:32,040 --> 01:18:35,360 # Your Dhobi's itch My scrumpox 1251 01:18:35,360 --> 01:18:38,760 # Our lovely gonorrhoea 1252 01:18:38,760 --> 01:18:42,560 # And at least we both were lying 1253 01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:46,520 # When we said that we were clear 1254 01:18:46,520 --> 01:18:49,680 # Our syphilitic kisses 1255 01:18:49,680 --> 01:18:53,000 # Sealed the secret of our tryst 1256 01:18:53,000 --> 01:18:56,480 # You gave me scrotal pustules 1257 01:18:56,480 --> 01:19:00,160 # With a quick flick of your wrist 1258 01:19:00,160 --> 01:19:03,520 # Your trichovaginitis 1259 01:19:03,520 --> 01:19:06,600 # Sent shivers down my spine 1260 01:19:06,600 --> 01:19:10,320 # I got snail tracks in my anus 1261 01:19:10,320 --> 01:19:14,280 # When your spirochetes met mine 1262 01:19:14,280 --> 01:19:18,000 # Gonococcal urethritis 1263 01:19:18,000 --> 01:19:21,400 # Streptococcal balanitis 1264 01:19:21,400 --> 01:19:25,000 # Meningomyelitis 1265 01:19:25,000 --> 01:19:28,360 # Diplococcal cephalitis 1266 01:19:28,360 --> 01:19:31,960 # Epididymitis 1267 01:19:31,960 --> 01:19:35,320 # Interstitial keratitis 1268 01:19:35,320 --> 01:19:38,560 # Syphilitic choroiditis 1269 01:19:38,560 --> 01:19:42,600 # And anterior uveitis 1270 01:19:44,360 --> 01:19:48,040 # Gonococcal urethritis 1271 01:19:48,040 --> 01:19:51,400 # Streptococcal balanitis 1272 01:19:51,400 --> 01:19:55,000 # Meningomyelitis 1273 01:19:55,000 --> 01:19:58,440 # Diplococcal cephalitis 1274 01:19:58,440 --> 01:20:01,960 # Epididymitis 1275 01:20:01,960 --> 01:20:05,360 # Interstitial keratitis 1276 01:20:05,360 --> 01:20:08,360 # Syphilitic choroiditis 1277 01:20:08,360 --> 01:20:14,160 # And anterior uveitis. # 1278 01:20:20,160 --> 01:20:25,440 # Sit on my face And tell me that you love me 1279 01:20:25,440 --> 01:20:29,960 # I'll sit on your face And tell you I love you too 1280 01:20:29,960 --> 01:20:34,040 # I love to hear you oralise 1281 01:20:34,040 --> 01:20:38,520 # When I'm between your thighs You blow me away 1282 01:20:38,520 --> 01:20:43,520 # Sit on my face And let my lips embrace you 1283 01:20:43,520 --> 01:20:48,240 # I'll sit on your face And then I'll love you truly 1284 01:20:48,240 --> 01:20:52,480 # Life can be fine If we all 69 1285 01:20:52,480 --> 01:20:55,000 # If we sit on our faces In all sorts of places 1286 01:20:55,000 --> 01:20:57,160 # And play till we're blown 1287 01:20:57,160 --> 01:21:03,560 # awaaaaaay. # 1288 01:21:03,560 --> 01:21:05,440 HE COUGHS 1289 01:21:05,440 --> 01:21:07,720 Ooh. Terribly sorry.