1
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:06,332
Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam!

2
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:07,734
Lovely Spam!

3
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:12,371
Lovely Spa-a-a

4
00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:15,708
a-a-a-m

5
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:19,112
Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam!

6
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:24,450
Lovely Spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam!

7
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:28,588
Always look on the bright side of life

8
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:35,895
Always look on the bright side

9
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,564
Of life

10
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:51,731
Olé!

11
00:03:55,769 --> 00:04:00,473
Señoras, señores y señoritas,
buenas noches.

12
00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:03,276
Buenas Noches.

13
00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:33,572
- ¡Olé!
- ¡Olé!

14
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:12,338
Who would have thought 40 years ago,

15
00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:15,875
we'd all be sitting here
doing Monty Python, eh?

16
00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:17,676
Aye, aye.

17
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:20,980
In them days,
we was glad to have the price of a cup of tea.

18
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,415
- Cup of cold tea.
- Aye.

19
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,450
Without milk or sugar.

20
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:27,920
- Or tea.
- In a cracked cup and all.

21
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,456
We never used to have a cup.

22
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:34,160
We used to have to drink it
out of a roll of newspaper.

23
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:37,797
Best we could manage
was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

24
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:41,667
But you know we were happy in those days,
although we were poor.

25
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,903
- Because we were poor.
- Right.

26
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:48,174
My old dad used to say to me,
"Money doesn't buy you happiness, son."

27
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,608
He was right.

28
00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:52,845
I was happier in those days
and I had nothing.

29
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:57,049
We used to live in this tiny,
old chumble-down house,

30
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,685
with great big holes in the roof.

31
00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:01,687
You were lucky to have a house.

32
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:07,293
There were 26 of us in one room.
No furniture, half the floor were missing.

33
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:11,097
We were all huddled in one corner
for fear of falling.

34
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:15,868
You were lucky to have a room.
We used to live in corridor.

35
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:20,172
We used to dream of living in a corridor.

36
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:25,144
Would have been a palace to us.

37
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:29,415
We used to live in an old water tank
on a rubbish tip.

38
00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:34,220
Got woke up every morning by having a load
of rotting fish dumped all over us.

39
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,654
House.

40
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:39,925
Well, when I say "house,"
it was only a hole in the ground,

41
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:44,430
covered by a sheet of tarpaulin,
but it was a house to us.

42
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:48,934
We were evicted from our hole in the ground.

43
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:51,303
We had to go and live in the swamp.

44
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:54,740
You were lucky to have a swamp.

45
00:07:54,841 --> 00:08:00,079
There were 150 of us living in a shoe box,
in the middle of road.

46
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:01,981
- Cardboard box?
- Aye.

47
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,616
You were lucky.

48
00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:11,457
We lived for three months in
a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank.

49
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:14,093
We used to have to get up at 6:00
in the morning, clean the newspaper,

50
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:19,431
go to work down the mill 14 hours a day,
week in week out, for six pence a week.

51
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:20,799
When we got home,

52
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,436
our dad
would thrash us to sleep with his belt.

53
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:27,973
Luxury.

54
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,678
We used to get up out of the swamp
at 3:00 in the morning,

55
00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:36,649
drain the swamp, eat a hard boiled twig,

56
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:40,853
work 19 hours at mill for a shilling a year,
and when we got home,

57
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:44,757
our dad would flog us to sleep
with a cat-o'-nine-tails

58
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:47,326
if we were lucky.

59
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,727
Paradise.

60
00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,031
We had it tough.

61
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:56,035
We used to have to get up
out of shoe box in middle of night,

62
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:59,271
and lick road clean with our tongues.

63
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,675
We had to eat
half a handful of freezing cold gravel,

64
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:08,080
work 24 hours a day at mill
for four pence every six years,

65
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,582
and when we got home,

66
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:13,786
our dad would slice us in two
with bread knife.

67
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:15,721
Right.

68
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,592
I had to get up in the morning
at 10:00 at night,

69
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:22,528
half an hour before I went to bed.

70
00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:26,932
Eat a lump of cold poison,
work 29 hours a day down mill,

71
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,868
and pay mill owner
for permission to come to work,

72
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,303
and when we got home,

73
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:35,708
our dad would kill us and dance
about on our graves singing hallelujah.

74
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:36,942
Aye.

75
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:40,279
You try and tell
the young people of today that,

76
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,214
and they won't believe you.

77
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:46,685
Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen?
Really great.

78
00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:48,520
Now, the next item on the program is...

79
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:51,624
I can't stand it, man.
Really, I've had it with this idiot.

80
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,592
Every night,
making me say the most annoying...

81
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:55,828
Really terrific act.
Now, the next item on the...

82
00:09:55,929 --> 00:10:01,133
Mouth's gone... it's gone away.
Gonna find someone a bit cooler, maybe?

83
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,535
I mean, it can't be that hard.

84
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:08,440
I got experience...

85
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,809
Know how he feels...

86
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,936
Welcome aboard, British-er pig.

87
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,208
Fritz, the tables
seem to have turned, old chap.

88
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:47,746
Greetings capitalist pig,

89
00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:52,451
very sorry, but must inform
you that you are now our prisoner.

90
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:13,839
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
You look and smell divine.

91
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:18,711
Welcome to Monty's musical,
the show that leaves you wanting less.

92
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:22,014
And, a very big hand please,
for Terry Gilliam.

93
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:35,794
Here's a little number
I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

94
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,900
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

95
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:44,670
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong

96
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:49,274
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick

97
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:53,045
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick

98
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:56,014
So, three cheers for your willy
or John Thomas

99
00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,018
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake

100
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:02,955
Your piece of pork
Your wife's best friend

101
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,623
Your Percy or your cock

102
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:08,260
You can wrap it up in ribbons
you can slip it in your sock

103
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:12,398
But don't take it out in public
or they'll stick you in the dock

104
00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:15,067
And you won't a-come a-back

105
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:18,370
Thank you very much, indeed.
Thank you so much.

106
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,645
Thank you.

107
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:31,183
I'd like to thank the Navy, and here they are.

108
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:46,064
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

109
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:49,468
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?

110
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,671
It's swell to have a stiffy

111
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,007
It's divine to own a dick

112
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,544
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick

113
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:02,314
So three cheers for your willy
or John Thomas

114
00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:05,884
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake

115
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,121
Your piece of pork
Your wife's best friend

116
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,223
Your Percy or your cock

117
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:15,227
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock

118
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:19,031
But don't take it out in public
Or they'll stick you in the dock

119
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,100
And you won't come back

120
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:27,005
It's fun to own your own vagina

121
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,476
It's great to have your friendly thatch

122
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:35,247
Your minge, your twat, your kitty cat

123
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:39,151
Your nest, your nasty or your snatch

124
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:43,355
It's great to have a monkey furrow

125
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:46,859
Your finger pie, your lunch box
or your catch

126
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:51,330
Your camel toe, your bearded clam
Your bottom at the front

127
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,265
Your monkey minge, your muffin

128
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:55,267
Or your old Sir Berkeley Hunt

129
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,636
Your honey pot, your hairy friend

130
00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,304
But never call it "cunt"

131
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:02,341
Or we won't come back

132
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,083
Isn't it awfully nice to own a bottom

133
00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:15,153
Isn't it frightfully good to have an arse

134
00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:19,791
It's swell to own a tushy
it's divine to have a scut

135
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:23,829
From the skinniest little buttocks
to the world's largest butt

136
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:27,432
Three cheers for your posterior or anus

137
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,969
Hooray for your lovely sit-upon

138
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:34,006
Your fundament, your fanny

139
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,174
Your cheeky little dear

140
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:40,112
Your rump, your haunch, your hams,
your stern, your fanny or your rear

141
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:44,116
But be careful how you handle it
or you'll be caught I fear

142
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:47,185
And you won't come back

143
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,326
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis...

144
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:58,030
It's fun to own your own vagina

145
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,099
It's great to have your friendly thatch

146
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,570
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick

147
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,672
...your kitty cat

148
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,974
Your nest, your nasty or your snatch...

149
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,842
So, three cheers for your willy...

150
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,846
It's great to have a monkey furrow

151
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,215
Your finger pie, your lunch box
or your catch...

152
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:20,619
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend
Your Percy or your cock

153
00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,055
Your bottom at the front

154
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:26,992
Your monkey minge, your muffin
But don't take it out in public

155
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,760
Or they'll stick you in the dock

156
00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:31,797
And you won't come back

157
00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:35,801
No, Sir!
No, you won't come back

158
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,170
No, sir!

159
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:48,313
Company, by the right...

160
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:50,949
dress!

161
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:56,021
Company, camp it hup!

162
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,192
My goodness me!

163
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,928
I'm in a bad temper today, all right!

164
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:06,999
Two, three, damn, damn
Two, three, I'm vexed and ratty

165
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,934
Two, three, and hopping mad

166
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:11,837
Stamp, stamp
Get her, whoops

167
00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:14,606
I've got your number, ducky

168
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:17,042
You couldn't afford me, dear

169
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:21,279
Two, three, I'd scratch your eyes out
Two, three, meow

170
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:26,051
Two, three
don't come the Rear Admiral bit with us, dear

171
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:30,188
We all know where you've been
You Royal Naval fairy

172
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:35,293
Two, three, left, right, left, right
who's kissing us tonight

173
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,429
Whoops, don't look now, girls

174
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:41,533
the captain's just minced in
with that dolly little seaman

175
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:46,571
Two, three, ooh
Two, three, hello sailor!

176
00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:56,982
Company, today, you go off to war,
and my God, I wish I was coming with you.

177
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,886
When I first went to fight, I had two arms.

178
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:03,455
Two good arms,
but when the time came to give them,

179
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:04,990
I gave them, I gave them gladly.

180
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:09,261
I sang and laughed as they sawed them off,

181
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,731
because I believed
that there was a future for mankind

182
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,967
if men were prepared to give their limbs.

183
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,303
And not just men,
but their women folk, too,

184
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:22,474
And our children,
and our children's children's limbs,

185
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,976
and our children's children's limbs.

186
00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:26,278
And what about our pets?

187
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,314
- Why should the little bastards get off...
- Stop that sketch.

188
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:29,815
- Why should the little bastards get off...
- Stop that sketch.

189
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:33,351
Now, nobody likes a good laugh
more than I do.

190
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:36,621
Except perhaps, my wife,
and some of her friends.

191
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,124
Yes, and Captain Johnson.

192
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:42,094
Come to think of it, most people
like a good laugh more than I do.

193
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,495
But that's beside the point.

194
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:47,699
Now, let's have a good, clean,
healthy outdoor sketch.

195
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,869
Get some air into your lungs.
Ten, nine, eight, and all that.

196
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:57,776
There are pages in history's book,
which are written on the grand scale.

197
00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:02,647
Events so momentous,
that they dwarf man and time alike.

198
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,851
And such was the Battle of Pearl Harbor,

199
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:10,322
re-enacted for us now by the
women of the Batley Townswomen's Guild.

200
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,823
Miss Rita Thurbanks, you organised

201
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,593
this reconstruction of
the battle of Pearl Harbor, Why?

202
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:18,096
Well, we've always been
extremely interested in modern drama.

203
00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:19,531
We were of course,

204
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:24,236
the first Townswomen's Guild
to perform Camp on Blood Island,

205
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,637
and last year, of course,

206
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:30,308
we did an extremely popular re-enactment
of Nazi war atrocities.

207
00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:34,613
And so, this year, we thought
we'd like to do something in a lighter vein.

208
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:39,184
- So, you chose the battle of Pearl Harbor?
- Yes that's right, we did.

209
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,786
Well, I can see you're all ready to go,

210
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,522
So, I'll just wish you good luck
in your latest venture.

211
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,423
Thank you very much, young man.

212
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:48,960
Ladies and gentlemen,
the World of History is proud to present

213
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:51,263
the premiere of
the Batley Townswomen's Guild

214
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:54,566
re-enactment of the battle of Pearl Harbor.

215
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:56,494
Oh dear. We're not about to allow
this sort of smutchly showing on screen.

216
00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:11,176
Michelangelo to see you, Your Holiness.

217
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:12,344
What?

218
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:16,548
Michelangelo, the famous Renaissance artist,

219
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,184
whose best known works include,

220
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:23,955
the celebrated statue of David
without any underpants.

221
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,390
In 1514...

222
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,759
Yes, yes, they've got it now,
they've got it now.

223
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,662
- What? What?
- Go away.

224
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,797
I was just trying to be informative.

225
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:33,965
Go away.

226
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:38,136
Right. Exits.

227
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,476
- Good evening, Your Holiness.
- Good evening, Michelangelo.

228
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:48,880
Now, I want to have a word with you about
this painting of yours, the Last Supper.

229
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,882
- Oh yeah?
- I'm not happy with it.

230
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:53,118
Oh, dear. It took me hours.

231
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,020
Not happy at all.

232
00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:57,789
- Is it the jelly you don't like?
- Jelly?

233
00:20:58,057 --> 00:21:00,058
I mean,
they do add a bit of colour, don't they?

234
00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:03,561
I know what it is.
You don't like the kangaroo.

235
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:06,965
- What kangaroo?
- Never mind, I'll paint him out.

236
00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,968
- I never saw a kangaroo.
- Well, he's at the back with the llama,

237
00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:12,270
Doesn't matter,
I'll make him into one of the Disciples.

238
00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:15,206
- Okay?
- That's the problem.

239
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,776
- What is?
- The Disciples.

240
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:20,478
Are they too Jewish?

241
00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:23,648
I made Judas the most Jewish.

242
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:27,552
No, it's just that there are 28 of them.

243
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,854
- Too many?
- Well, of course it's too many.

244
00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:33,525
Yeah, I know, but I wanted to give
the impression of a real Last Supper,

245
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:37,228
not just like a last snack or a final meal.

246
00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:40,699
But a real mother of a Last Supper.

247
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:45,003
There were only 12 Disciples
at the Last Supper.

248
00:21:45,104 --> 00:21:47,839
Well, maybe, some of their friends
dropped by after dinner for a drink.

249
00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,174
No friends.

250
00:21:49,275 --> 00:21:50,775
- Waiters?
- No waiters.

251
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:52,577
- Cabaret.
- No cabaret.

252
00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:55,714
You see, I like the crowd,
it helps to flesh out the scene.

253
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,983
I could lose a few, I suppose.

254
00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:01,586
- Look, there were only 12 Disciples...
- I've got it.

255
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:05,790
- We'll call it, "The Last But One Supper."
- What?

256
00:22:06,292 --> 00:22:09,661
Well, if there was a last one,
there must have been a one before that.

257
00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:12,931
So, this will be the Penultimate Supper.

258
00:22:13,032 --> 00:22:15,700
The Bible doesn't say
how many people were there now, does it?

259
00:22:15,801 --> 00:22:17,702
- No, no.
- Well, there you are, then.

260
00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:19,270
Well, look, look,

261
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:22,907
The Last Supper
was a significant event in the life of our Lord.

262
00:22:23,009 --> 00:22:24,676
The Penultimate Supper was not,

263
00:22:24,777 --> 00:22:27,379
even if they had a mariachi band
and a conjurer.

264
00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:30,382
Now, I commissioned
a Last Supper from you,

265
00:22:30,483 --> 00:22:33,218
and a Last Supper I want,
with 12 Disciples,

266
00:22:33,786 --> 00:22:37,055
and one Christ!

267
00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:38,923
One?

268
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:40,759
Yes, one!

269
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:42,694
Now, will you tell me what in God's name

270
00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:46,698
possessed you to paint this
with three Christs in it?

271
00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:48,666
- It works, mate.
- Works?

272
00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:50,235
Yeah, it looks great.

273
00:22:50,403 --> 00:22:52,971
The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

274
00:22:53,172 --> 00:22:55,106
There was only one redeemer!

275
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:57,308
I know that, we all know that.

276
00:22:57,410 --> 00:23:00,245
- I want one...
- What about a bit of artistic licence?

277
00:23:00,346 --> 00:23:02,414
I want one Messiah.

278
00:23:02,581 --> 00:23:04,682
I'll tell you what you want,
you want a bloody photographer,

279
00:23:04,784 --> 00:23:07,786
that's what you bloody well want.
Not an artistic creator.

280
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:09,020
I'll tell you what I want.

281
00:23:09,121 --> 00:23:13,024
I want a Last Supper with 12 Disciples,
one Christ,

282
00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:15,493
no steel bands, no trampoline acts,

283
00:23:15,594 --> 00:23:20,532
no kangaroos by Thursday lunch,
or you don't get paid.

284
00:23:20,633 --> 00:23:21,833
Bloody fascist.

285
00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:26,538
Look, I'm the head of
the fucking Catholic Church, I am,

286
00:23:26,605 --> 00:23:28,173
so, watch it.

287
00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:34,913
You know what makes that special?

288
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:35,680
Yes.

289
00:23:35,681 --> 00:23:36,548
Yes.

290
00:23:37,650 --> 00:23:41,152
There are Jews in the world
there are Buddhists

291
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,088
There are Hindus and Mormons

292
00:23:43,155 --> 00:23:44,422
And then

293
00:23:44,523 --> 00:23:47,592
There are those who all follow Mohammed

294
00:23:47,693 --> 00:23:51,629
But I've never been one of them

295
00:23:52,298 --> 00:23:54,966
I'm a Roman Catholic

296
00:23:55,401 --> 00:23:58,736
And have been since before I was born

297
00:23:59,205 --> 00:24:02,974
And the one thing
they say about Catholics is

298
00:24:03,409 --> 00:24:06,678
They'll take you as soon as you're warm

299
00:24:07,246 --> 00:24:10,248
You don't have to be a six footer

300
00:24:10,983 --> 00:24:14,319
You don't have to have a great brain

301
00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:17,789
You don't have to have any clothes on

302
00:24:18,257 --> 00:24:22,293
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came

303
00:24:22,561 --> 00:24:24,028
Because

304
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:28,800
Every sperm is sacred

305
00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:32,737
Every sperm is great

306
00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:37,108
If a sperm is wasted

307
00:24:37,343 --> 00:24:40,311
God gets in a bate

308
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:45,517
Every sperm is sacred

309
00:24:45,618 --> 00:24:49,387
Every sperm is great

310
00:24:49,688 --> 00:24:53,224
If a sperm is wasted

311
00:24:53,726 --> 00:24:56,995
God gets quite irate

312
00:24:58,931 --> 00:25:01,933
Let the Heathens spill theirs

313
00:25:02,234 --> 00:25:05,503
On the dusty ground

314
00:25:05,638 --> 00:25:08,840
God shall make them pay

315
00:25:08,941 --> 00:25:12,377
For each sperm that can't be found

316
00:25:13,546 --> 00:25:16,681
Every sperm is wanted

317
00:25:17,149 --> 00:25:19,684
Every sperm is good

318
00:25:20,753 --> 00:25:23,721
Every sperm is needed

319
00:25:24,290 --> 00:25:27,091
In your neighbourhood

320
00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:30,895
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon

321
00:25:31,063 --> 00:25:34,532
Spill theirs just anywhere

322
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,835
But God loves those who treat

323
00:25:37,937 --> 00:25:41,906
their semen with more care

324
00:25:42,408 --> 00:25:45,843
Every sperm is sacred

325
00:25:46,011 --> 00:25:48,546
Every sperm is boss

326
00:25:49,615 --> 00:25:53,017
If a sperm is wasted

327
00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:55,386
God can get quite cross

328
00:25:56,755 --> 00:26:00,124
Every sperm is holy

329
00:26:00,492 --> 00:26:03,595
Every drop divine

330
00:26:03,696 --> 00:26:06,998
But God needs everybody's

331
00:26:07,099 --> 00:26:09,100
- Mine
- And mine

332
00:26:09,168 --> 00:26:11,035
And mine

333
00:26:40,499 --> 00:26:43,801
Let the pagans spill theirs

334
00:26:43,902 --> 00:26:47,705
On mountain, hill and plain

335
00:26:48,207 --> 00:26:51,242
God shall strike them down for

336
00:26:51,410 --> 00:26:54,946
Each sperm that's spilled in vain

337
00:26:55,381 --> 00:26:58,816
Every sperm is sacred

338
00:26:58,917 --> 00:27:01,986
Every sperm is true

339
00:27:02,688 --> 00:27:05,890
Every sperm is needed

340
00:27:06,191 --> 00:27:09,360
Even in O2

341
00:27:09,862 --> 00:27:13,064
Every sperm is sacred

342
00:27:13,299 --> 00:27:16,334
Every sperm is great

343
00:27:17,002 --> 00:27:20,371
If a sperm is wasted

344
00:27:20,706 --> 00:27:23,274
God gets quite

345
00:27:23,342 --> 00:27:27,712
irate

346
00:27:31,417 --> 00:27:36,921
God gets quite

347
00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:42,860
irate

348
00:28:12,891 --> 00:28:15,426
Bloody Catholics.

349
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:17,528
Filling up the bloody world
with bloody people,

350
00:28:17,629 --> 00:28:20,498
they can't afford to bloody feed.

351
00:28:20,599 --> 00:28:21,966
What are we, dear?

352
00:28:22,067 --> 00:28:25,703
Protestant and fiercely proud of it.

353
00:28:25,804 --> 00:28:28,239
Why do they have so many children?

354
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:31,376
Because every time
they have sexual intercourse,

355
00:28:31,477 --> 00:28:33,277
they have to have a baby.

356
00:28:33,512 --> 00:28:35,613
But it's the same with us, Harry.

357
00:28:36,081 --> 00:28:37,215
What do you mean?

358
00:28:37,383 --> 00:28:42,587
Well, we've got two children,
and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

359
00:28:43,589 --> 00:28:47,158
That's not the point,
we can have it whenever we want.

360
00:28:47,259 --> 00:28:49,093
- Really?
- Yeah.

361
00:28:50,429 --> 00:28:52,530
Because we don't believe
in all that papist clap trap,

362
00:28:52,631 --> 00:28:54,198
we can take precautions.

363
00:28:54,500 --> 00:28:56,934
What, you mean lock the door?

364
00:28:57,302 --> 00:29:01,239
No. I mean as members of
the Protestant Reformed Church,

365
00:29:01,340 --> 00:29:04,575
that successfully challenged
the autocratic power of the papacy

366
00:29:04,676 --> 00:29:07,378
in the early part of the 16th century,

367
00:29:07,479 --> 00:29:10,448
we can wear little rubber devices
to prevent issue.

368
00:29:10,549 --> 00:29:12,016
What do you mean?

369
00:29:12,117 --> 00:29:14,619
I could, if I wanted,
have sexual intercourse with you.

370
00:29:15,087 --> 00:29:16,421
Yes, Harry.

371
00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:21,392
And thanks to Martin Luther and his friends,
I could wear a sheath.

372
00:29:21,860 --> 00:29:24,095
- What, a dress?
- No, no.

373
00:29:24,630 --> 00:29:29,700
A rubber sheath over my own fella
to ensure that when I came off,

374
00:29:29,802 --> 00:29:31,235
you would not be impregnated.

375
00:29:32,304 --> 00:29:35,606
Yes, that's what
being a Protestant's all about.

376
00:29:36,708 --> 00:29:41,679
It doesn't stop with a simple condom, no.
I could wear French ticklers.

377
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:42,880
You what?

378
00:29:42,981 --> 00:29:48,119
French ticklers, crocodile ribs,
black mambos, wafer thin condoms.

379
00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:54,425
Designed not only to protect, but
enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.

380
00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:56,761
Have you got one?

381
00:29:57,362 --> 00:30:00,565
Have I got one? Well, no.

382
00:30:00,666 --> 00:30:04,669
But I could go down the road any time
and walk into Boots with my head held high,

383
00:30:04,770 --> 00:30:09,173
and say, "Mr Boot,
I want you to sell me a condom.

384
00:30:09,374 --> 00:30:14,078
"In fact, I think I'll have a Mexican tickler.

385
00:30:14,179 --> 00:30:16,180
"For, I am a Protestant,

386
00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:21,152
"and that is best thing to be
because that is what God wants."

387
00:30:25,123 --> 00:30:27,992
You people really piss me off!

388
00:30:28,093 --> 00:30:32,196
I'm sorry I invented you.
It was a really bad idea.

389
00:30:32,297 --> 00:30:36,567
Sex, sex, sex,
that's all you bloody humans think about.

390
00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:41,038
That, and trying to blow smoke up my arse
with endless prayers.

391
00:30:41,106 --> 00:30:43,241
It's so boring.

392
00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:48,479
Now, this is supposed to be a funny show,
so, for my sake, get on with it.

393
00:30:51,617 --> 00:30:55,286
And, welcome to Munich
for the 27th City Olympiad,

394
00:30:55,387 --> 00:30:58,322
an event held traditionally every 3.7 years,

395
00:30:58,423 --> 00:31:00,024
which, this year,
has brought together competitors

396
00:31:00,125 --> 00:31:02,727
from over four million different countries.

397
00:31:02,828 --> 00:31:05,096
And here we are
at the start of the first event of the afternoon,

398
00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:09,500
the second semi-final of the 100 yards
for people with no sense of direction.

399
00:31:09,601 --> 00:31:10,768
Let's see the competitors,

400
00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:13,237
Lane one, Kolomovski of Poland
Lane two, Zatapatique of France.

401
00:31:13,338 --> 00:31:16,774
Lane three, Gropovich of the United States.
Next to him, Drabble of Trinidad.

402
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:20,978
Next to him, Fernandez of Spain,
and in the outside lane, Bormann of Brazil.

403
00:31:24,616 --> 00:31:25,850
And now, over to the swimming.

404
00:31:25,951 --> 00:31:28,052
And you join us here
at the Bundesabsurd pool,

405
00:31:28,153 --> 00:31:31,622
just in time to see the start of
the 200 metres freestyle for non-swimmers.

406
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:36,460
Watch for the tough Australian champion,
Ron Barnett in the second lane.

407
00:31:44,336 --> 00:31:47,471
Well, we'll be bringing you back here the
moment they start fishing the corpses out,

408
00:31:47,573 --> 00:31:50,908
but now over to Hans Clay for the start of
the marathon for incontinence.

409
00:31:51,376 --> 00:31:53,477
Well, we've got
an enormous entry for this event.

410
00:31:53,579 --> 00:31:56,180
Forty-four competitors
from 29 different countries,

411
00:31:56,281 --> 00:31:58,983
all of them with
the most superbly weak bladders.

412
00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:00,952
Not a tight sphincter in sight.

413
00:32:01,053 --> 00:32:03,854
Ready to embark, nevertheless,
on the world's longest race,

414
00:32:03,956 --> 00:32:05,957
and they're just aching to go.

415
00:32:06,058 --> 00:32:09,360
On your marks! Get set!

416
00:32:09,928 --> 00:32:12,797
And they're off, they're off.

417
00:32:14,533 --> 00:32:15,933
And now, the high jump.

418
00:32:16,034 --> 00:32:17,935
Katerina Ovelenskij for the Soviet Union,

419
00:32:18,370 --> 00:32:22,640
But what a jump! What a jump!
That will probably be a record!

420
00:32:23,175 --> 00:32:25,776
And here we are
at the 3,000 metre steeple chase

421
00:32:25,877 --> 00:32:27,378
for people who think they're chickens.

422
00:32:27,479 --> 00:32:31,215
There's Samuelsson of the United States
and over there, is Klaus of East Germany.

423
00:32:31,316 --> 00:32:33,618
He's been a Rhode Island Red now
for the last three Olympics.

424
00:32:33,719 --> 00:32:35,486
And there's the referee
trying to get them going...

425
00:32:35,587 --> 00:32:36,621
Where is the leader?

426
00:32:36,722 --> 00:32:38,623
Abe Seagull of Canada, he went off,

427
00:32:38,724 --> 00:32:42,326
got a very good start and then settled down
on the water jump, and has now gone loopy.

428
00:32:42,427 --> 00:32:45,296
Now, we're back with the marathon
for incontinence once again.

429
00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:46,931
There's Polinski of Poland in the lead,

430
00:32:47,032 --> 00:32:49,266
and now, Brewer of Australia has taken over.

431
00:32:49,368 --> 00:32:52,103
Brewer has overtaken him,
but he's gone to spend a penny

432
00:32:52,204 --> 00:32:54,505
There goes Burt to spend a penny
and there goes Gurdich of Austria,

433
00:32:54,606 --> 00:32:58,809
And so now it's Alvarez of Cuba,
followed by the plucky Norwegian Borg.

434
00:32:58,910 --> 00:33:00,978
They're in and out like yo-yo's, boys!
And there's MacDonald!

435
00:33:01,079 --> 00:33:03,047
MacDonald is coming back, but he
can't hold... Here's Immacuvich.

436
00:33:03,181 --> 00:33:06,450
Immacuvich of Yugoslavia is making it...
and he can't hold it either.

437
00:33:06,551 --> 00:33:08,719
Well, well,
these must be some of the weakest bladders

438
00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:10,421
ever to represent their countries.

439
00:33:10,522 --> 00:33:13,424
And now, let's have a look back
at what's going on down on the stage.

440
00:33:24,202 --> 00:33:26,170
- Mr Anchovy.
- Hello.

441
00:33:26,271 --> 00:33:27,338
- Do sit down.
- Thank you.

442
00:33:27,439 --> 00:33:30,174
- Take the weight of the feet, eh?
- Yes, yes, yes.

443
00:33:30,275 --> 00:33:32,143
Lovely weather for the time of year, eh?

444
00:33:32,411 --> 00:33:35,179
Enough of this gay banter.

445
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:37,715
Now I understand you asked us to advise you

446
00:33:37,816 --> 00:33:42,286
what was the best job in life,
as your profession.

447
00:33:42,654 --> 00:33:44,455
- That is correct.
- Right.

448
00:33:44,556 --> 00:33:48,559
Now I have the results here of the interviews,
the aptitude test that you did last week

449
00:33:48,660 --> 00:33:51,829
and I think we've managed
to build up a pretty clear picture

450
00:33:51,930 --> 00:33:53,564
of the sort of person you are.

451
00:33:53,665 --> 00:33:55,700
I think I can say without fear of contradiction

452
00:33:55,801 --> 00:33:59,203
that the ideal job for you
is chartered accountancy.

453
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:02,907
But I am a chartered accountant.

454
00:34:03,108 --> 00:34:06,477
Good for you. Well back to the office then.
Well done.

455
00:34:06,578 --> 00:34:09,714
No, you don't understand.
I've been a chartered accountant for 20 years.

456
00:34:09,815 --> 00:34:11,449
I want a new job.

457
00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:14,819
Something exciting that will let me live.

458
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,688
Accountancy is quite exciting, isn't it?

459
00:34:17,956 --> 00:34:20,257
Exciting? No it's not.

460
00:34:20,358 --> 00:34:22,760
It's dull, dull, dull.

461
00:34:22,861 --> 00:34:24,595
My God it's dull.

462
00:34:24,696 --> 00:34:26,297
It's deadly dull,

463
00:34:26,398 --> 00:34:29,700
and tedious and boring and stuffy

464
00:34:29,801 --> 00:34:31,235
and desperately dull.

465
00:34:31,570 --> 00:34:34,438
Yes, Mr Anchovy,
but you see your report here says that

466
00:34:34,539 --> 00:34:37,875
you are an extremely dull fellow.

467
00:34:37,976 --> 00:34:41,378
Our experts describe you as appallingly dull,

468
00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:44,515
unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative,

469
00:34:44,750 --> 00:34:47,251
spineless, easily dominated,

470
00:34:47,352 --> 00:34:49,887
no sense of humour, tedious company

471
00:34:49,988 --> 00:34:53,591
and irrepressibly drab and awful.

472
00:34:53,692 --> 00:34:57,895
And whereas in other professions
these would be considerable drawbacks,

473
00:34:57,996 --> 00:35:00,598
in chartered accountancy
they're a positive boon.

474
00:35:01,967 --> 00:35:04,335
But I came here to find a new job, a new life,

475
00:35:04,436 --> 00:35:06,971
a new meaning to my existence.

476
00:35:07,072 --> 00:35:08,305
Can't you help me?

477
00:35:08,406 --> 00:35:11,208
Well do you have any idea
what you want to do?

478
00:35:11,276 --> 00:35:12,343
Yes I have.

479
00:35:13,478 --> 00:35:15,279
Lion taming.

480
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:17,982
Lion taming?

481
00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:20,751
Yes, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?

482
00:35:20,852 --> 00:35:23,587
You know, chartered accountancy
to lion taming in one go,

483
00:35:23,688 --> 00:35:27,057
you don't think it might be better
to work your way towards lion taming?

484
00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:29,093
Say, via insurance or something like that?

485
00:35:29,194 --> 00:35:30,561
- No, no.
- No?

486
00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:32,830
I don't want to wait. Nine o'clock tomorrow,

487
00:35:32,931 --> 00:35:35,332
I want to be in there, taming.

488
00:35:35,433 --> 00:35:38,602
Yes, but do you have any qualifications?

489
00:35:39,171 --> 00:35:40,204
I've got a hat.

490
00:35:40,305 --> 00:35:42,106
- A hat?
- Yeah, a hat.

491
00:35:42,207 --> 00:35:44,208
A lion tamer's hat.

492
00:35:44,309 --> 00:35:46,911
A hat with "Lion Tamer" written on it.
I bought it at Harrods.

493
00:35:47,546 --> 00:35:48,579
- I see.
- Yeah, yeah.

494
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,882
It lights up at night saying "Lion Tamer"
in big red neon letters,

495
00:35:51,983 --> 00:35:53,551
so you can tame them after dark,

496
00:35:53,652 --> 00:35:54,985
- when they're less stroppy.
- Yes, yes.

497
00:35:55,086 --> 00:35:56,687
And during the day you can turn it off

498
00:35:56,788 --> 00:35:59,824
and claim reasonable wear and tear
as allowable professional expenses

499
00:35:59,925 --> 00:36:02,760
- under paragraph 335 B...
- Mr Anchovy,

500
00:36:02,861 --> 00:36:05,296
if I now ring up Bertram Mills and say,

501
00:36:05,397 --> 00:36:08,332
"Look, I've got a 45 year old
chartered accountant here

502
00:36:08,433 --> 00:36:10,201
"who wants to become a lion tamer."

503
00:36:10,302 --> 00:36:14,805
Their first question is not going to be,
"Does he have his own hat?"

504
00:36:15,540 --> 00:36:19,476
You see, they're more likely to ask
about your experience with lions.

505
00:36:19,578 --> 00:36:22,246
Well, I've seen them at the zoo.

506
00:36:22,347 --> 00:36:23,714
Yes, well that's a start.

507
00:36:23,815 --> 00:36:26,217
Yes, small brown furry creature,
with short stumpy legs

508
00:36:26,318 --> 00:36:28,586
and great long curved noses.

509
00:36:28,687 --> 00:36:31,121
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
I could tame one of those.

510
00:36:31,323 --> 00:36:32,723
They look pretty tame to start with.

511
00:36:32,824 --> 00:36:34,658
Now these, these lions of yours,

512
00:36:34,759 --> 00:36:36,694
how tall are they?

513
00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,898
Well, about so high. They don't frighten me.

514
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:43,834
And do they, by any chance, eat ants?

515
00:36:43,902 --> 00:36:44,902
Got it.

516
00:36:45,003 --> 00:36:49,173
Well, I think what you've got there,
Mr Anchovy, is an anteater, not a lion.

517
00:36:49,274 --> 00:36:51,342
- What?
- You see a lion is a huge savage brute,

518
00:36:51,443 --> 00:36:55,112
about five feet tall, ten feet long,
weighing about 500 pounds.

519
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:56,914
They run 40 miles an hour

520
00:36:57,015 --> 00:37:00,351
and they have huge,
very sharp pointed teeth,

521
00:37:00,452 --> 00:37:03,087
and nasty vicious razor sharp claws

522
00:37:03,188 --> 00:37:06,357
that could rip your belly open
before you could say Jack Robinson,

523
00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:07,958
and they look like this.

524
00:37:12,631 --> 00:37:13,731
Shit.

525
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:21,105
Actually I quite like your idea perhaps,

526
00:37:21,206 --> 00:37:24,475
of making the transition
to lion taming via easier stages.

527
00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:28,579
- You know, maybe via insurance.
- Or banking.

528
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:29,947
- Banking.
- Banking.

529
00:37:30,048 --> 00:37:31,382
Oh, Banking. There's a man's life.

530
00:37:31,716 --> 00:37:34,385
Banking, travel, excitement, adventure,

531
00:37:34,486 --> 00:37:36,220
decisions affecting people's lives.

532
00:37:36,321 --> 00:37:37,955
So, shall I call the bank?

533
00:37:38,657 --> 00:37:39,924
- Yeah.
- Yes?

534
00:37:40,058 --> 00:37:43,294
No, no, no. No look, just give me
a couple of weeks to think about it,

535
00:37:43,395 --> 00:37:46,397
because it's a big, it is a big decision.
Maybe I'll just...

536
00:37:46,498 --> 00:37:47,898
- Or maybe three weeks.
- Give it a month.

537
00:37:47,999 --> 00:37:49,733
- A month. Yeah.
- Give it a month.

538
00:37:52,337 --> 00:37:54,238
Well, can I tell you something?

539
00:37:55,507 --> 00:37:56,507
Yes?

540
00:37:56,908 --> 00:37:59,443
I never really wanted to be a lion tamer.

541
00:38:04,082 --> 00:38:06,784
I wanted to be...

542
00:38:06,885 --> 00:38:08,085
A systems analyst.

543
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:10,321
Systems...

544
00:38:10,422 --> 00:38:13,190
And then I got this postcard
from my Auntie in Canada

545
00:38:13,325 --> 00:38:14,325
and it looked wonderful.

546
00:38:14,426 --> 00:38:17,227
I realised the one thing
I wanted was to be a lumberjack.

547
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:24,868
Leaping from tree to tree

548
00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:27,338
As they float down
the mighty rivers of British Columbia

549
00:38:27,605 --> 00:38:29,540
The giant Redwood

550
00:38:29,607 --> 00:38:31,008
The Larch

551
00:38:31,743 --> 00:38:34,311
The mighty Scots Pine

552
00:38:34,412 --> 00:38:36,880
With my best girl by my side

553
00:38:36,982 --> 00:38:40,217
We'd sing, sing, sing

554
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:43,387
Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay

555
00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:46,023
I sleep all night and I work all day

556
00:38:46,391 --> 00:38:48,959
He's a lumberjack and he's okay

557
00:38:49,127 --> 00:38:51,495
He sleeps all night and he works all day

558
00:38:51,730 --> 00:38:56,867
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory

559
00:38:57,068 --> 00:38:59,370
On Wednesdays I go shopping

560
00:38:59,471 --> 00:39:02,439
And have buttered scones for tea

561
00:39:02,540 --> 00:39:05,409
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch

562
00:39:05,510 --> 00:39:07,678
He goes to the lavatory

563
00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:10,414
On Wednesdays he goes shopping

564
00:39:10,548 --> 00:39:13,484
And has buttered scones for tea

565
00:39:14,119 --> 00:39:16,420
He's a lumberjack and he's okay

566
00:39:16,554 --> 00:39:19,423
He sleeps all night and he works all day

567
00:39:19,557 --> 00:39:22,126
I cut down trees, I skip and jump

568
00:39:22,227 --> 00:39:24,561
I like to press wild flowers

569
00:39:25,063 --> 00:39:27,264
I put on women's clothing

570
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,734
And hang around in bars

571
00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:33,270
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps

572
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,806
He likes to press wild flowers

573
00:39:35,940 --> 00:39:38,142
He puts on women's clothing

574
00:39:38,510 --> 00:39:40,778
And hangs around in bars?

575
00:39:42,347 --> 00:39:44,648
He's a lumberjack and he's okay

576
00:39:44,949 --> 00:39:47,418
He sleeps all night and he works all day

577
00:39:47,685 --> 00:39:50,320
I cut down trees, I wear high heels

578
00:39:50,422 --> 00:39:52,656
Suspendies and a bra

579
00:39:52,991 --> 00:39:55,325
I wish I'd been a girlie

580
00:39:55,427 --> 00:39:57,895
Just like my dear Papa

581
00:39:58,763 --> 00:40:01,365
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels

582
00:40:01,533 --> 00:40:03,767
Suspendies and a bra?

583
00:40:03,868 --> 00:40:05,102
Disgusting.

584
00:40:08,173 --> 00:40:09,740
Oh Bevis!

585
00:40:09,841 --> 00:40:12,676
And I thought you were so butch.

586
00:40:13,878 --> 00:40:16,413
He's a lumberjack and he's okay

587
00:40:16,514 --> 00:40:18,949
He sleeps all night and he works all day

588
00:40:19,317 --> 00:40:22,219
He's a lumberjack and he's okay

589
00:40:38,670 --> 00:40:41,305
He sleeps all night and he works all day

590
00:41:15,106 --> 00:41:16,240
Yeah.

591
00:41:19,377 --> 00:41:20,544
Yes.

592
00:41:22,413 --> 00:41:27,050
Charles Atlas, with his world's
most perfectly developed body.

593
00:41:27,452 --> 00:41:29,286
Tired of being pushed around?

594
00:41:29,387 --> 00:41:32,222
Would you like to do
some pushing around instead?

595
00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:35,192
Would you like a body
that can't fail to attract women?

596
00:41:37,228 --> 00:41:39,229
To be the envy of other men?

597
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,965
I must get one of those.

598
00:41:42,066 --> 00:41:47,471
Just give me your skinny, scrawny little body
for just 15 minutes a day.

599
00:41:47,772 --> 00:41:50,207
I've heard that one before, ducky.

600
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:55,212
With these, you'll have 50 pounds
of He-Man muscles on you.

601
00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:57,447
Thick herculean arms,

602
00:41:57,549 --> 00:41:59,183
a deep massive chest,

603
00:41:59,284 --> 00:42:00,551
atomic powered legs,

604
00:42:00,652 --> 00:42:02,553
shoulders a yard wide

605
00:42:02,654 --> 00:42:05,756
and right in the privacy of your own home.

606
00:42:08,660 --> 00:42:10,260
What's my secret?

607
00:42:10,361 --> 00:42:12,296
It's dynamo tension.

608
00:42:12,397 --> 00:42:16,366
Muscles pulling against muscles,
the natural way.

609
00:42:19,604 --> 00:42:21,371
Here's living proof.

610
00:42:21,472 --> 00:42:23,507
And there's no need to stop there.

611
00:42:28,313 --> 00:42:29,980
So, don't delay.

612
00:42:30,148 --> 00:42:35,219
Send today for my gigantic, free,
78 page muscle building course.

613
00:42:36,854 --> 00:42:38,222
Postman.

614
00:42:40,992 --> 00:42:44,728
And start building a body
you can be proud of.

615
00:42:48,766 --> 00:42:50,033
Yes.

616
00:43:01,679 --> 00:43:02,679
Yes.

617
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:07,618
Good afternoon and welcome to
a packed Olympic Stadium in Munich

618
00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:11,521
for the second leg of this exciting final
of International Philosophy.

619
00:43:11,623 --> 00:43:14,224
And over to your commentator, Juan Stoppa.

620
00:43:14,325 --> 00:43:17,628
And here come the Germans now,
led by the skipper "Nobby" Hegel.

621
00:43:17,729 --> 00:43:19,763
They must start favourites this afternoon.

622
00:43:19,864 --> 00:43:21,765
They've certainly attracted
the most attention from the press

623
00:43:21,866 --> 00:43:23,233
with their team problems.

624
00:43:23,334 --> 00:43:25,235
And let's now see their line-up.

625
00:43:25,870 --> 00:43:28,538
The Germans playing 4-2-4. Leibniz in goal.

626
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:31,208
Back four, Kant, Hegel,
Schopenhauer and Schelling.

627
00:43:31,309 --> 00:43:33,877
Front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein,
Nietzsche and Heidegger,

628
00:43:33,978 --> 00:43:36,546
and the midfield duo of
Beckenbauer and Jaspers.

629
00:43:36,648 --> 00:43:39,116
Beckenbauer, obviously,
a bit of a surprise there.

630
00:43:41,386 --> 00:43:44,855
And here come the Greeks, led out
by their veteran centre half Heraclitus.

631
00:43:44,956 --> 00:43:47,991
Let's look at their team. As you'd expect
it's a much more defensive line up.

632
00:43:48,092 --> 00:43:51,695
Plato's in goal. Socrates a front runner there,
and Aristotle as sweeper.

633
00:43:51,796 --> 00:43:54,231
Aristotle very much the man in form.

634
00:43:54,332 --> 00:43:57,034
One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.

635
00:44:00,571 --> 00:44:02,839
Well, here comes the referee,
Kung Fu Tsu Confucius

636
00:44:02,940 --> 00:44:05,976
and his two linesmen
St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas.

637
00:44:06,077 --> 00:44:09,379
And as the two skippers
come together to shake hands

638
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,448
we're ready for the start
of this very exciting final.

639
00:44:11,549 --> 00:44:13,850
The referee Mr Confucius checks his sand...

640
00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:16,887
And, they're off.

641
00:44:16,988 --> 00:44:19,089
Nietzsche and Hegel there.

642
00:44:19,190 --> 00:44:23,293
Carl Jaspers number seven on the outside.
Wittgenstein there with him.

643
00:44:23,394 --> 00:44:24,995
There's Beckenbauer.

644
00:44:25,096 --> 00:44:27,364
Schelling's in there. Heidegger covering.

645
00:44:27,465 --> 00:44:29,299
Schopenhauer.

646
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:32,703
And now it's the Greeks.
Epicurus, Plotinus number six.

647
00:44:32,770 --> 00:44:33,804
Aristotle.

648
00:44:33,905 --> 00:44:36,740
Empedocles of Acragas,
and Democratus with him.

649
00:44:36,841 --> 00:44:38,375
There's Archimedes.

650
00:44:38,476 --> 00:44:41,144
Socrates, there he is, Socrates.

651
00:44:42,180 --> 00:44:44,614
Socrates there, going through.

652
00:44:46,284 --> 00:44:48,385
There's the ball. There's the ball.

653
00:44:48,486 --> 00:44:52,289
And Nietzsche there.
Nietzsche, number ten in this German side.

654
00:44:53,925 --> 00:44:55,859
Kant moving up on the outside.

655
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:56,960
Schlegel's on the left.

656
00:44:57,061 --> 00:44:59,563
The Germans moving very well
in these opening moments.

657
00:44:59,731 --> 00:45:00,797
Well, there you are.

658
00:45:00,898 --> 00:45:03,500
And we'll be returning to the match
sometime in the second half,

659
00:45:03,601 --> 00:45:05,402
but right now it's time for...

660
00:45:05,470 --> 00:45:06,470
Philosophy.

661
00:45:08,573 --> 00:45:10,273
Hello there. How you doing?

662
00:45:11,809 --> 00:45:14,177
How are you? How you doing?

663
00:45:14,278 --> 00:45:16,980
- G'day, Bruce.
- G'day, Bruce.

664
00:45:17,148 --> 00:45:19,116
G'day ladies and Bruces.

665
00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:21,585
It's very nice to be here in the Oz arena.

666
00:45:22,220 --> 00:45:23,954
O2, mate. It's a two.

667
00:45:24,122 --> 00:45:25,589
I'm sorry, mate.
Thank you very much.

668
00:45:25,690 --> 00:45:26,857
- So patriotic.
- Sorry.

669
00:45:27,024 --> 00:45:31,661
We're all philosophy professors from
the University of Woolamaloo, Australia.

670
00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:35,031
Australia, Australia, Australia.

671
00:45:35,099 --> 00:45:36,400
We love you.

672
00:45:36,501 --> 00:45:38,769
I teach Hegelian philosophy.

673
00:45:38,870 --> 00:45:41,438
Bruce here teaches Aristotelian philosophy.

674
00:45:41,539 --> 00:45:44,141
And Bruce here teaches
classical philosophy

675
00:45:44,442 --> 00:45:47,511
and all of these other Bruces
are in charge of the sheep dip.

676
00:45:48,079 --> 00:45:50,480
Sheep, sheep, sheep, we love you.

677
00:45:51,215 --> 00:45:52,249
This is the wattle,

678
00:45:52,350 --> 00:45:53,784
the emblem of our land.

679
00:45:54,085 --> 00:45:55,886
You can stick it in a bottle,

680
00:45:55,987 --> 00:45:57,421
you can hold it in your hand.

681
00:45:57,555 --> 00:45:58,822
- Amen.
- Amen, amen.

682
00:45:59,357 --> 00:46:01,224
Bloody thirsty work this, Bruce,
I think I'll get...

683
00:46:01,325 --> 00:46:02,626
- Why don't you have a chilly then, mate.
- Yeah, I think I...

684
00:46:02,727 --> 00:46:05,796
In fact they look a bit thirsty there.
Look like they could use a drink.

685
00:46:05,930 --> 00:46:07,063
Throw them a drink out there, mate.

686
00:46:07,165 --> 00:46:08,265
- Throw them some of...
- Are you thirsty?

687
00:46:08,366 --> 00:46:09,733
- Good old Australian beer.
- Who's going to...

688
00:46:09,834 --> 00:46:10,901
Throw them out, yeah.

689
00:46:11,002 --> 00:46:13,370
Chuck them, mate. Chuck them. Good, there.

690
00:46:13,471 --> 00:46:16,006
Now the reason we do this, ladies and Bruces

691
00:46:16,441 --> 00:46:18,208
is we find over here,

692
00:46:18,309 --> 00:46:19,576
your English beer

693
00:46:19,977 --> 00:46:22,479
is a little like making love in a canoe.

694
00:46:22,547 --> 00:46:23,713
How's that at?

695
00:46:23,815 --> 00:46:25,849
It's fucking close to water.

696
00:46:25,917 --> 00:46:26,917
I love it!

697
00:46:29,220 --> 00:46:31,321
- Good evening.
- Good evening, dickhead.

698
00:46:31,622 --> 00:46:33,590
- How are you, Punk Bruce?
- I'm good.

699
00:46:33,691 --> 00:46:36,259
Now Punk Bruce here
has brought on guest Bruce,

700
00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:40,230
who tonight has agreed
to dress like a prat for charity.

701
00:46:40,364 --> 00:46:41,431
Oh, right.

702
00:46:41,532 --> 00:46:43,200
So what's your name, Bruce?

703
00:46:43,401 --> 00:46:45,502
My name is Roger.

704
00:46:45,603 --> 00:46:46,770
- Roger?
- Roger McGough.

705
00:46:47,071 --> 00:46:48,839
You're fucking Eddie Izzard, aren't you?

706
00:46:49,207 --> 00:46:51,741
I'm him on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

707
00:46:59,083 --> 00:47:00,884
Yeah, he's in disguise tonight.

708
00:47:01,219 --> 00:47:03,487
And what's your charity, Bruce?

709
00:47:03,621 --> 00:47:06,223
My charity, Bruce, I'm raising money,

710
00:47:06,324 --> 00:47:09,860
or I've been giving money
to the Monty Python Retirement Fund.

711
00:47:10,061 --> 00:47:12,429
- Yeah.
- Excellent. Right... Thank you.

712
00:47:12,530 --> 00:47:13,563
And so for...

713
00:47:13,731 --> 00:47:15,432
Hey Bruce, leave him alone.

714
00:47:15,533 --> 00:47:17,200
You randy little kanga.

715
00:47:17,301 --> 00:47:18,869
- It's all right.
- Sorry about that, Bruce.

716
00:47:18,970 --> 00:47:20,170
Have you got another monologue or...

717
00:47:20,271 --> 00:47:24,508
No, no, I'll just say I've paid 40 million
Australian dollars to do this, so...

718
00:47:24,609 --> 00:47:26,243
- Okay, very nice indeed.
- Cheque's in the post.

719
00:47:26,344 --> 00:47:27,577
Thank you, Bruce.

720
00:47:27,678 --> 00:47:29,779
Right, I'm sorry about our marsupials,

721
00:47:29,881 --> 00:47:32,616
they shag worse than a bloody carpet,
some of them.

722
00:47:32,717 --> 00:47:35,919
Anyway, let's try and raise the chain a little

723
00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:38,755
by singing a little intellectual song.
Are you ready?

724
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:39,923
Good idea, Bruce.

725
00:47:42,927 --> 00:47:45,462
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

726
00:47:45,563 --> 00:47:47,931
Who was very rarely stable

727
00:47:48,065 --> 00:47:51,101
Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy beggar

728
00:47:51,202 --> 00:47:53,803
Who could think you under the table

729
00:47:54,472 --> 00:47:56,706
David Hume could out-consume

730
00:47:56,908 --> 00:47:59,175
Schopenhauer and Hegel

731
00:47:59,844 --> 00:48:02,679
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

732
00:48:02,780 --> 00:48:05,582
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel

733
00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:07,484
Hang on a second, Bruces, hang on.

734
00:48:07,585 --> 00:48:10,654
I think this lot are in a bit of
a playful mood, this crowd here.

735
00:48:10,755 --> 00:48:12,055
- Yeah, I think they're...
- Yeah.

736
00:48:16,227 --> 00:48:18,028
- Pissed as parrots half of them.
- Yeah.

737
00:48:18,129 --> 00:48:21,197
And I bet some of them have been smoking
their home-grown English little wacky weed.

738
00:48:21,666 --> 00:48:23,366
Yeah, they might as well
smoke daffodils, mate.

739
00:48:23,467 --> 00:48:24,501
Might as well, mate.

740
00:48:24,602 --> 00:48:26,436
How do you tell an English batsman?

741
00:48:26,938 --> 00:48:28,371
They're the ones in the pavilion.

742
00:48:31,876 --> 00:48:33,343
Did you hear about the pommy bastard

743
00:48:33,444 --> 00:48:35,545
that took Viagra instead of his sleeping pill?

744
00:48:35,646 --> 00:48:37,180
No, what happened?

745
00:48:37,782 --> 00:48:39,349
He ended up having 40 wanks!

746
00:48:42,186 --> 00:48:43,486
- I love Aussie humour.
- Right.

747
00:48:43,588 --> 00:48:45,488
Well, why don't you guys
give us a bit of a hand

748
00:48:45,590 --> 00:48:47,490
and we'll sing along to this one, right?
Feel like that?

749
00:48:50,061 --> 00:48:51,828
I've got the words here. They're in my pocket.

750
00:48:51,929 --> 00:48:53,863
I'll just... It's a bit tight down there.

751
00:48:54,298 --> 00:48:55,498
That's not it.

752
00:48:56,367 --> 00:48:58,301
- Don't pull that out, Bruce.
- Here we are.

753
00:48:58,402 --> 00:49:00,503
Here we are.
Got them all written out in my own fair hand.

754
00:49:00,605 --> 00:49:03,540
- So I'll make it easy for you.
- All right, so here we go.

755
00:49:03,608 --> 00:49:04,608
All right?

756
00:49:07,011 --> 00:49:09,346
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

757
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:12,048
Who was very rarely stable

758
00:49:12,183 --> 00:49:15,552
Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy beggar who could...

759
00:49:15,720 --> 00:49:16,853
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

760
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:18,288
It's not working, Bruce.

761
00:49:18,389 --> 00:49:20,657
- I think it's my handwriting, Bruce.
- Maybe it is.

762
00:49:20,925 --> 00:49:23,026
They're a typical O2 audience, Bruce.

763
00:49:23,127 --> 00:49:25,028
They don't know whether to titter or twitter.

764
00:49:27,231 --> 00:49:30,000
- Left my mobile on vibrate.
- Oh dear.

765
00:49:30,101 --> 00:49:31,167
That's funny, Bruce.

766
00:49:31,469 --> 00:49:34,971
My Sheila has a vibrator
which she can switch on to phone.

767
00:49:38,743 --> 00:49:40,877
Think about it. Thank you very much.

768
00:49:42,179 --> 00:49:43,747
Doesn't know if she's coming or going.

769
00:49:45,683 --> 00:49:46,783
Disgusting.

770
00:49:46,884 --> 00:49:49,386
- Let's raise the tone.
- Now, have we got anything.

771
00:49:49,487 --> 00:49:51,321
Punk Bruce, can you give us a hand?

772
00:49:51,422 --> 00:49:52,956
I can give her a hand here.

773
00:49:54,392 --> 00:49:55,792
Stop that, Bruce. You.

774
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:57,027
Straight off. Off.

775
00:49:57,194 --> 00:49:58,728
- Go on, fuck off.
- Get off her, mate.

776
00:49:59,897 --> 00:50:02,899
Fuck off to Barcelona and bite Luis Suárez.

777
00:50:04,201 --> 00:50:05,835
Now, Punk Bruce,

778
00:50:05,936 --> 00:50:09,639
have you got anything to help us
put the words up for these poor people?

779
00:50:09,740 --> 00:50:11,508
- How's that, Bruce?
- Yeah.

780
00:50:12,476 --> 00:50:13,643
- Now you can see that.
- Very nice.

781
00:50:13,878 --> 00:50:16,880
Very good.
All right, now we've got no excuse, all right?

782
00:50:17,181 --> 00:50:19,449
- Let's hear you.
- It's almost the intermission, so here we go.

783
00:50:22,553 --> 00:50:25,355
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

784
00:50:25,456 --> 00:50:27,891
Who was very rarely stable

785
00:50:27,992 --> 00:50:30,994
Heidegger, Heidegger
was a boozy beggar

786
00:50:31,095 --> 00:50:33,997
Who could think you under the table

787
00:50:34,331 --> 00:50:36,700
David Hume could out-consume

788
00:50:36,834 --> 00:50:39,269
Schopenhauer and Hegel

789
00:50:39,503 --> 00:50:42,505
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

790
00:50:42,606 --> 00:50:45,575
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel

791
00:50:46,243 --> 00:50:48,912
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach you

792
00:50:49,013 --> 00:50:52,115
About the raising of the wrist

793
00:50:52,483 --> 00:50:58,722
Socrates himself was permanently pissed

794
00:50:59,557 --> 00:51:01,991
John Stuart Mill of his own free will

795
00:51:02,093 --> 00:51:04,894
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill

796
00:51:05,062 --> 00:51:07,797
Plato they say could stick it away

797
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:10,133
Half a crate of whisky every day

798
00:51:10,568 --> 00:51:13,269
Aristotle, Aristotle
was a bugger for the bottle

799
00:51:13,471 --> 00:51:15,405
Hobbes was fond of his dram

800
00:51:16,140 --> 00:51:18,808
And René Descartes was a drunken fart

801
00:51:18,943 --> 00:51:21,811
"I drink therefore I am"

802
00:51:22,513 --> 00:51:28,852
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed

803
00:51:29,286 --> 00:51:32,822
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed

804
00:51:35,025 --> 00:51:36,626
Thank you. You're brilliant.

805
00:51:37,294 --> 00:51:38,595
You're brilliant.

806
00:51:52,543 --> 00:51:55,044
Well right now we're going back
to the Olympic Stadium

807
00:51:55,146 --> 00:51:57,413
for the closing minutes
of the Philosophy final

808
00:51:57,515 --> 00:51:59,816
and I understand that there's still no score.

809
00:52:00,818 --> 00:52:04,087
Well there may be no score, but
there's certainly no lack of excitement here.

810
00:52:04,188 --> 00:52:07,690
As you can see Nietzsche has just been
booked for arguing with the referee.

811
00:52:07,792 --> 00:52:12,195
He accused Confucius of having no free will
and Confucius he say, "Name go in book."

812
00:52:12,329 --> 00:52:15,131
And this is Nietzsche's third booking
in four games.

813
00:52:16,734 --> 00:52:19,869
And who's that? It's Karl Marx.
Karl Marx is warming up.

814
00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,139
It looks as though there's going to be
a substitution on the German side.

815
00:52:23,274 --> 00:52:26,976
Obviously, manager Martin Luther
has decided on all-out attack,

816
00:52:27,077 --> 00:52:29,846
as indeed he must, with only
two minutes of the match to go.

817
00:52:29,947 --> 00:52:31,848
And the big question is,
who is he going to replace?

818
00:52:31,949 --> 00:52:34,818
Who's going to come off?
It could be Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer,

819
00:52:34,919 --> 00:52:35,919
but it's Wittgenstein.

820
00:52:36,020 --> 00:52:37,654
Wittgenstein who saw his Auntie
only last week.

821
00:52:37,755 --> 00:52:41,024
And here's Marx. Let's see if he can
put some life into this German attack.

822
00:52:41,091 --> 00:52:42,292
Evidently not.

823
00:52:42,359 --> 00:52:43,459
Honestly.

824
00:52:43,561 --> 00:52:45,195
Well now, with just over a minute left

825
00:52:45,296 --> 00:52:47,330
a replay on Tuesday
looks absolutely vital,

826
00:52:47,431 --> 00:52:50,133
and there's Archimedes,
and I think he's had an idea.

827
00:52:50,201 --> 00:52:51,901
Eureka!

828
00:52:53,637 --> 00:52:57,140
Archimedes out to Socrates.
Socrates back to Archimedes.

829
00:52:57,241 --> 00:52:59,709
Archimedes out to Heraclitus,
he beats Hegel.

830
00:52:59,810 --> 00:53:01,144
Heraclitus has a little flick.

831
00:53:01,245 --> 00:53:02,579
Here he comes, on the far post.

832
00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:04,380
Socrates is there. Socrates heads it in!

833
00:53:04,481 --> 00:53:05,915
Socrates has scored,

834
00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:07,951
the Greeks are going mad.

835
00:53:08,052 --> 00:53:09,519
The Greeks are going mad, Socrates scores.

836
00:53:09,620 --> 00:53:12,088
Got a beautiful cross from Archimedes,
the Germans are disputing it.

837
00:53:12,189 --> 00:53:16,659
Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely
an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics.

838
00:53:16,794 --> 00:53:18,294
Kant, via the categorical imperative,

839
00:53:18,395 --> 00:53:20,797
is holding that ontologically,
it exists only in the imagination,

840
00:53:20,898 --> 00:53:22,599
and Marx is claiming it was offside.

841
00:53:22,700 --> 00:53:24,767
But Confucius has answered them
with the final whistle.

842
00:53:24,902 --> 00:53:26,202
It's all over.

843
00:53:26,303 --> 00:53:28,738
Germany, having trounced
England's famous midfield trio

844
00:53:28,839 --> 00:53:31,875
of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes in the semi
final, have been beaten by the odd goal.

845
00:53:31,976 --> 00:53:33,309
And let's see it again.

846
00:53:34,778 --> 00:53:36,312
There it is. Socrates.

847
00:53:36,413 --> 00:53:38,781
Socrates heads it
and Leibniz doesn't have a chance.

848
00:53:38,883 --> 00:53:41,384
And just look at those delighted Greeks.

849
00:53:41,485 --> 00:53:43,519
There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles.

850
00:53:43,621 --> 00:53:46,623
Empedocles of Acragas.
What a game he had.

851
00:53:46,724 --> 00:53:49,325
And Epicurus is there, and Socrates,

852
00:53:49,426 --> 00:53:53,129
the captain, who scored what was probably
the most important goal of his career.

853
00:54:03,874 --> 00:54:05,308
- Mr Hilton.
- Yes.

854
00:54:05,409 --> 00:54:08,878
You are sole owner and proprietor
of the Whizzo Chocolate company?

855
00:54:08,946 --> 00:54:09,913
I am.

856
00:54:10,014 --> 00:54:13,483
Constable Parrot and I are from
the Scotland Yard Hygiene Squad.

857
00:54:13,550 --> 00:54:14,584
Oh yes?

858
00:54:14,685 --> 00:54:18,154
Want to have a word with you about
this box of chocolates you manufacture

859
00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:20,256
called the Whizzo Quality Assortment.

860
00:54:20,524 --> 00:54:21,691
Good, yes.

861
00:54:21,792 --> 00:54:23,660
If I could begin at the beginning.

862
00:54:23,761 --> 00:54:26,763
Number one is cherry fondue.

863
00:54:26,864 --> 00:54:29,799
Now this is extremely nasty,
but we can't prosecute you for that.

864
00:54:29,900 --> 00:54:30,900
Agreed.

865
00:54:31,068 --> 00:54:33,469
Next, we have crunchy frog.

866
00:54:34,338 --> 00:54:35,371
Yes?

867
00:54:35,472 --> 00:54:37,640
Well, am I right in thinking
there's a real frog in here?

868
00:54:37,741 --> 00:54:39,409
Yes, a little one.

869
00:54:40,244 --> 00:54:41,477
Is it cooked?

870
00:54:41,612 --> 00:54:43,513
- No.
- What? A raw frog?

871
00:54:43,847 --> 00:54:46,616
We use only the finest baby frogs,

872
00:54:46,717 --> 00:54:49,285
dew-picked and flown from Swaziland.

873
00:54:49,386 --> 00:54:51,788
Cleansed in the finest quality spring water,

874
00:54:51,889 --> 00:54:56,125
lightly killed and sealed in
a treble milk chocolate envelope

875
00:54:56,226 --> 00:54:58,194
and lovingly frosted with glucose.

876
00:54:58,329 --> 00:55:00,930
That's as maybe, it's still a frog.

877
00:55:01,031 --> 00:55:02,031
Well what else would it be?

878
00:55:02,132 --> 00:55:04,100
Well don't you even take the bones out?

879
00:55:05,002 --> 00:55:07,770
If we took the bones out
it wouldn't be crunchy would it?

880
00:55:09,073 --> 00:55:10,873
Constable Parrot ate one of those.

881
00:55:10,975 --> 00:55:12,275
Would you excuse me a moment, sir?

882
00:55:12,376 --> 00:55:14,444
Not right at the moment...

883
00:55:46,043 --> 00:55:48,878
Why didn't you say
why you wanted to be excused?

884
00:55:51,315 --> 00:55:53,516
It says "crunchy frog" quite clearly.

885
00:55:53,617 --> 00:55:55,585
Well, people won't expect
there to be a frog in here.

886
00:55:55,686 --> 00:55:58,187
They're bound to think
it's some form of mock frog.

887
00:55:58,288 --> 00:55:59,322
Mock frog?

888
00:55:59,423 --> 00:56:03,026
We use no artificial additives
or preservatives of any kind.

889
00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:06,963
In future though, you will replace
the description "crunchy frog"

890
00:56:07,064 --> 00:56:10,967
with the words "crunchy, raw,
unboned, uncooked, real, dead frog,"

891
00:56:11,068 --> 00:56:12,702
if you want to avoid prosecution.

892
00:56:12,803 --> 00:56:13,970
What about our sales?

893
00:56:14,104 --> 00:56:16,406
Fuck your sales,
we have to protect the general public.

894
00:56:16,507 --> 00:56:17,607
Now what's this one?

895
00:56:17,708 --> 00:56:20,676
Number five, ram's bladder cup.

896
00:56:20,978 --> 00:56:24,714
We use choice juicy chunks
of fresh Cornish ram's bladder.

897
00:56:25,182 --> 00:56:28,551
Emptied, steamed and flavoured
with sesame seeds,

898
00:56:28,652 --> 00:56:31,721
whipped into a fondue
and garnished with mouse poo.

899
00:56:32,589 --> 00:56:34,190
Mouse poo?

900
00:56:34,825 --> 00:56:37,493
It doesn't say anything
about mouse poo on the box.

901
00:56:37,728 --> 00:56:39,395
Yes it does, on the bottom of the box,

902
00:56:39,563 --> 00:56:42,365
after monosodium glutamate.

903
00:56:42,466 --> 00:56:43,800
Well, this is hardly good enough.

904
00:56:43,901 --> 00:56:47,103
In future you must put on this box
a large red sticker with the words,

905
00:56:47,204 --> 00:56:49,472
"Warning, contains mouse poo."

906
00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:51,307
Our sales would plummet.

907
00:56:51,475 --> 00:56:55,478
Well, why don't you move into
more conventional areas of confectionary,

908
00:56:55,579 --> 00:56:58,981
like lime cream or strawberry delight?

909
00:56:59,616 --> 00:57:01,384
I mean, look at this lot.

910
00:57:02,619 --> 00:57:04,454
Anthrax ripple.

911
00:57:04,555 --> 00:57:06,722
Cockroach cluster.

912
00:57:06,824 --> 00:57:07,924
Flip...

913
00:57:17,935 --> 00:57:19,202
Take the box.

914
00:57:19,303 --> 00:57:20,336
- Take the box.
- No.

915
00:57:20,604 --> 00:57:21,771
Take it.

916
00:57:28,512 --> 00:57:31,380
And what's this one? Spring surprise.

917
00:57:31,482 --> 00:57:33,449
That's our speciality.

918
00:57:33,550 --> 00:57:36,486
Covered in darkest rich smooth chocolate.

919
00:57:36,587 --> 00:57:37,954
When you pop it into your mouth,

920
00:57:38,055 --> 00:57:41,958
stainless steel bolts spring out
and punch straight through both cheeks.

921
00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:44,760
Well, where's the pleasure in that?

922
00:57:48,398 --> 00:57:50,566
- Pull yourself together, Constable.
- Sorry, Sir.

923
00:57:52,369 --> 00:57:54,437
Or you'll be a Constable Ex-parrot.

924
00:57:58,308 --> 00:58:00,076
Where are we? Can you remember?

925
00:58:07,618 --> 00:58:08,818
Oh yes!

926
00:58:10,754 --> 00:58:14,223
As you were saying,
punch straight through both cheeks.

927
00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:15,892
Well where's the pleasure in that?

928
00:58:15,993 --> 00:58:17,660
That's me speaking now.

929
00:58:17,761 --> 00:58:18,995
Where's the pleasure in that,

930
00:58:19,096 --> 00:58:22,665
when people pop a choccy in their mouth,
they don't want their cheeks lacerated.

931
00:58:22,766 --> 00:58:27,003
In any case, this is an inadequate description
of the sweetmeat.

932
00:58:27,104 --> 00:58:29,605
I must ask you to accompany me
to Scotland Yard.

933
00:58:30,374 --> 00:58:31,841
It's a fair cop.

934
00:58:31,942 --> 00:58:33,943
- And don't talk with the audience.
- Why not?

935
00:58:34,044 --> 00:58:37,213
It's contrary to Section 28
of the Sketch Comedy Act.

936
00:58:37,281 --> 00:58:38,281
Right.

937
00:58:48,492 --> 00:58:50,793
Hello and welcome to another
edition of 'Blood,

938
00:58:50,894 --> 00:58:55,198
Devastation, Death, War and Horror.'

939
00:58:55,332 --> 00:58:59,068
Later in the programme we'll be talking
to a man who does gardening.

940
00:59:00,737 --> 00:59:04,907
But my first guest tonight is
a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.

941
00:59:05,008 --> 00:59:06,542
Tahts sey crreoct.

942
00:59:06,643 --> 00:59:07,777
Do you enjoy it?

943
00:59:07,878 --> 00:59:10,379
Sey, sey, I stom certainly od.

944
00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:12,281
Yeah, and what's your name?

945
00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:15,084
Hamrag, Hamrag Yattlerot.

946
00:59:15,185 --> 00:59:17,420
Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show.

947
00:59:18,155 --> 00:59:19,455
Where do you hail from?

948
00:59:19,523 --> 00:59:20,690
Bumcreland.

949
00:59:21,158 --> 00:59:22,191
Cumberland?

950
00:59:22,526 --> 00:59:24,060
Staht it sepricely.

951
00:59:24,595 --> 00:59:25,728
Lovely part of the world.

952
00:59:25,829 --> 00:59:29,599
And I believe you're working on
an anagram version of Shakespeare.

953
00:59:29,700 --> 00:59:31,867
Sey, sey, tahtsi crreoct.

954
00:59:32,035 --> 00:59:36,172
Ta the nimute I'm rowking on
'The Mating of The Wersh.'

955
00:59:36,840 --> 00:59:38,074
By William Shakespeare?

956
00:59:38,308 --> 00:59:40,509
Nay, by Malliwi Rakessheape.

957
00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:43,312
Of course, and what else?

958
00:59:43,780 --> 00:59:45,314
Twelfth Thing,

959
00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:47,350
the Chamrent of Venice,

960
00:59:47,451 --> 00:59:49,252
Two Nnetlemeg of Verona.

961
00:59:49,386 --> 00:59:50,720
Have you, have you done Hamlet?

962
00:59:51,154 --> 00:59:52,355
Thamle.

963
00:59:52,823 --> 00:59:55,191
"Beot, or botneot.

964
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,228
"Tath is the nestiquo."

965
01:00:00,964 --> 01:00:03,499
And what is your latest project?

966
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:05,501
Ring Kichard the Thrid.

967
01:00:05,602 --> 01:00:06,836
I'm sorry?

968
01:00:07,137 --> 01:00:09,372
"A shroe, a shroe!

969
01:00:09,473 --> 01:00:12,041
"My dingkom for a shroe."

970
01:00:13,410 --> 01:00:15,478
Of course, Ring Kichard, yes, yes.

971
01:00:15,579 --> 01:00:18,014
But surely that's not an anagram.

972
01:00:18,115 --> 01:00:19,282
That's a spoonerism.

973
01:00:19,449 --> 01:00:21,851
If you're going to split hairs
I'm going to piss off.

974
01:00:27,557 --> 01:00:31,560
The world today seems absolutely crackers.

975
01:00:31,762 --> 01:00:35,364
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.

976
01:00:36,466 --> 01:00:40,002
There's fools and idiots
sitting on the trigger.

977
01:00:40,504 --> 01:00:43,139
It's depressing and it's senseless

978
01:00:43,240 --> 01:00:44,874
and that's why...

979
01:00:45,809 --> 01:00:48,678
I like Chinese

980
01:00:49,780 --> 01:00:52,615
I like Chinese

981
01:00:53,183 --> 01:00:56,485
They copy everything they sees

982
01:00:56,586 --> 01:00:58,854
But they're up on the moon

983
01:00:58,955 --> 01:01:00,856
So, they'll do as they please

984
01:01:01,425 --> 01:01:04,293
I like Chinese

985
01:01:05,362 --> 01:01:08,431
I like Chinese

986
01:01:08,832 --> 01:01:12,068
They're still a little Communise

987
01:01:12,669 --> 01:01:14,670
But Americans don't need to fret

988
01:01:15,005 --> 01:01:16,739
For China has bought all their debt

989
01:01:17,174 --> 01:01:20,009
I like Chinese food

990
01:01:20,777 --> 01:01:23,979
The waiters never are rude

991
01:01:24,981 --> 01:01:28,351
Think of the many things
They've done to impress

992
01:01:28,585 --> 01:01:30,753
There's Maoism, Taoism

993
01:01:30,887 --> 01:01:32,521
I Ching and chess

994
01:01:32,622 --> 01:01:35,191
So, I like Chinese

995
01:01:37,060 --> 01:01:39,395
I like Chinese

996
01:01:40,764 --> 01:01:43,199
I like their tiny little trees

997
01:01:43,367 --> 01:01:44,867
- That's Japanese.
- Oh yes.

998
01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:46,802
Their Zen, their ping pong

999
01:01:46,903 --> 01:01:48,637
Their yin and yang-ese

1000
01:01:49,139 --> 01:01:52,675
I like Chinese thoughts

1001
01:01:52,776 --> 01:01:56,011
The wisdom that Confucius taught

1002
01:01:56,913 --> 01:02:00,449
If Darwin is anything to shout about

1003
01:02:00,884 --> 01:02:02,718
The Chinese will survive us all

1004
01:02:03,053 --> 01:02:04,720
Without any doubt

1005
01:02:04,821 --> 01:02:08,357
So, I like Chinese

1006
01:02:09,259 --> 01:02:12,528
I like Chinese

1007
01:02:12,996 --> 01:02:16,298
I like their teas and their tai chi's

1008
01:02:16,867 --> 01:02:18,968
Their calligraphy, as you can see

1009
01:02:19,069 --> 01:02:20,970
They all dance with ease

1010
01:02:37,320 --> 01:02:40,689
I like Chinese

1011
01:02:41,258 --> 01:02:44,627
I like Chinese

1012
01:02:44,995 --> 01:02:48,364
Their food is guaranteed to please

1013
01:02:48,932 --> 01:02:50,633
A 14, a seven

1014
01:02:51,134 --> 01:02:52,601
A nine and lychees

1015
01:02:52,702 --> 01:02:53,769
Altogether now.

1016
01:03:09,453 --> 01:03:12,221
I like Chinese

1017
01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:16,025
I like Chinese

1018
01:03:19,129 --> 01:03:20,863
I like Chinese

1019
01:03:21,565 --> 01:03:22,832
I like Chinese

1020
01:03:23,099 --> 01:03:24,867
I like Chinese

1021
01:03:25,502 --> 01:03:26,502
Yeah.

1022
01:03:29,005 --> 01:03:30,806
Thank you very much, O2.

1023
01:04:00,437 --> 01:04:01,637
It's the intermission.

1024
01:04:01,738 --> 01:04:03,839
It's the intermission.

1025
01:04:03,940 --> 01:04:05,574
I like the intermission.

1026
01:04:06,910 --> 01:04:08,611
- It's the best bit. I like it.
- Shopping!

1027
01:04:08,712 --> 01:04:11,180
- I always look forward to the intermission.
- Shopping!

1028
01:04:11,281 --> 01:04:14,049
I can go to the toilet.
I so want to go to the toilet.

1029
01:04:14,150 --> 01:04:15,451
Ooh there's only one.

1030
01:04:15,552 --> 01:04:18,153
Yes, one for 16,000.

1031
01:06:05,495 --> 01:06:09,198
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me

1032
01:06:09,566 --> 01:06:13,002
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too

1033
01:06:13,103 --> 01:06:16,338
I love to hear you oralise

1034
01:06:16,439 --> 01:06:18,073
When I'm between your thighs

1035
01:06:18,174 --> 01:06:19,975
You blow me away

1036
01:06:20,076 --> 01:06:23,912
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you

1037
01:06:24,014 --> 01:06:27,583
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly

1038
01:06:27,684 --> 01:06:31,353
Life can be fine if we both sixty nine

1039
01:06:31,454 --> 01:06:33,222
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places

1040
01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:37,626
And play till we're blown away

1041
01:06:38,261 --> 01:06:42,131
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me

1042
01:06:42,232 --> 01:06:45,801
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too

1043
01:06:45,902 --> 01:06:49,104
I love to hear you oralise

1044
01:06:49,205 --> 01:06:50,806
When I'm between your thighs

1045
01:06:50,907 --> 01:06:52,708
You blow me away

1046
01:06:52,809 --> 01:06:56,679
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you

1047
01:06:56,780 --> 01:07:00,516
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly

1048
01:07:00,617 --> 01:07:03,719
Life can be fine if we both sixty nine

1049
01:07:03,820 --> 01:07:05,854
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places

1050
01:07:05,955 --> 01:07:09,458
And play till we're blown away

1051
01:07:25,809 --> 01:07:25,941
And that concludes
tonight's broadcast of Spam Lake,

1052
01:07:25,942 --> 01:07:29,945
And that concludes
tonight's broadcast of Spam Lake,

1053
01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:33,515
part of a new series of ballet for the radio.

1054
01:07:33,917 --> 01:07:37,720
And now we present the first episode
of a new radio drama series

1055
01:07:37,821 --> 01:07:40,289
The Death of Mary Queen of Scots,

1056
01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:42,591
Part I, The Beginning

1057
01:07:47,163 --> 01:07:49,131
You are Mary Queen of Scots?

1058
01:07:49,199 --> 01:07:50,499
I am.

1059
01:07:59,609 --> 01:08:00,609
Oh no!

1060
01:08:07,984 --> 01:08:08,984
Oh dear!

1061
01:08:15,225 --> 01:08:18,293
Episode two
of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots

1062
01:08:18,394 --> 01:08:21,196
can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately.

1063
01:08:30,140 --> 01:08:31,373
I think she's dead.

1064
01:08:31,441 --> 01:08:32,641
No, I'm not.

1065
01:08:42,585 --> 01:08:46,455
That was episode two
of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots,

1066
01:08:46,556 --> 01:08:49,391
adapted for radio
by sticking a large nail through it.

1067
01:08:50,026 --> 01:08:52,861
And now, Radio 4 will explode.

1068
01:08:57,901 --> 01:09:00,235
We'll have to watch the telly then.

1069
01:09:00,303 --> 01:09:02,070
Yes, we will.

1070
01:09:02,272 --> 01:09:03,806
What's on the television?

1071
01:09:08,311 --> 01:09:09,745
Looks like a penguin.

1072
01:09:12,048 --> 01:09:15,617
No, I didn't mean
what's on the television set,

1073
01:09:15,718 --> 01:09:17,653
I meant what programme?

1074
01:09:22,659 --> 01:09:25,327
Sort of funny,
that penguin being there, isn't it?

1075
01:09:26,229 --> 01:09:27,329
What's it doing?

1076
01:09:27,397 --> 01:09:28,430
Standing.

1077
01:09:28,498 --> 01:09:30,132
I can see that!

1078
01:09:31,100 --> 01:09:35,904
If it lays an egg,
it'll fall down the back of the television set.

1079
01:09:37,540 --> 01:09:39,508
We'll have to watch that.

1080
01:09:40,777 --> 01:09:42,344
Unless it's male.

1081
01:09:42,445 --> 01:09:43,946
Oh, I never thought of that.

1082
01:09:44,047 --> 01:09:45,347
It looks fairly butch.

1083
01:09:47,917 --> 01:09:49,751
Perhaps it's from next door.

1084
01:09:49,853 --> 01:09:53,188
Penguins don't come from next door.

1085
01:09:53,289 --> 01:09:55,457
They come from the Antarctic.

1086
01:09:56,326 --> 01:09:57,759
Burma!

1087
01:10:02,332 --> 01:10:04,233
Why did you say Burma?

1088
01:10:04,834 --> 01:10:06,235
Oh, I panicked.

1089
01:10:14,544 --> 01:10:16,278
Perhaps it's from the zoo.

1090
01:10:16,346 --> 01:10:17,312
Which zoo?

1091
01:10:17,413 --> 01:10:19,581
How would I know which bloody zoo!

1092
01:10:19,682 --> 01:10:23,285
I'm not David bloody Attenborough!

1093
01:10:23,386 --> 01:10:27,122
How does David bloody Attenborough
know which zoo it came from?

1094
01:10:27,223 --> 01:10:28,690
He knows everything.

1095
01:10:30,393 --> 01:10:34,329
I wouldn't like that,
It would take all the mystery out of life.

1096
01:10:35,999 --> 01:10:38,233
Anyway, if it came from the zoo,

1097
01:10:38,334 --> 01:10:40,936
it would have
'Property of the zoo' stamped on it.

1098
01:10:41,170 --> 01:10:42,437
No, it wouldn't.

1099
01:10:42,538 --> 01:10:46,074
They don't stamp animals
'Property of the zoo.'

1100
01:10:46,175 --> 01:10:51,847
You can't stamp
a huge Siberian tiger, 'Property of the zoo.'

1101
01:10:53,082 --> 01:10:55,284
They stamp them when they're small.

1102
01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:05,794
What happens when they moult?

1103
01:11:07,430 --> 01:11:09,665
Siberian tigers don't moult.

1104
01:11:09,766 --> 01:11:11,266
No, but penguins do!

1105
01:11:11,367 --> 01:11:14,202
There, I've run rings round you logically.

1106
01:11:16,139 --> 01:11:17,606
Intercourse the penguin.

1107
01:11:19,809 --> 01:11:21,610
Well, it's just gone 8:00 o'clock

1108
01:11:21,711 --> 01:11:25,580
and time for the penguin
on top of your television set to explode.

1109
01:11:30,153 --> 01:11:32,354
How did he know that was gonna happen?

1110
01:11:33,089 --> 01:11:35,357
It was an inspired guess.

1111
01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:37,859
Oh, he knows everything, that Michael Palin.

1112
01:11:37,961 --> 01:11:40,562
Yes, and he's been everywhere too.

1113
01:11:40,663 --> 01:11:44,299
You ever watch any of those travel?
Travel pro...

1114
01:11:49,872 --> 01:11:53,275
If you're going to be rude about me,
I'm going to switch you off.

1115
01:11:54,477 --> 01:11:58,547
And now, it's time for Home Beautiful
with Professor D.P. Gumby

1116
01:11:58,648 --> 01:12:03,285
to give you some hints on
the often forgotten art of flower arranging.

1117
01:12:22,472 --> 01:12:23,705
Good evening!

1118
01:12:24,073 --> 01:12:25,607
Good evening!

1119
01:12:25,942 --> 01:12:29,811
Tonight, flower arranging.

1120
01:12:29,912 --> 01:12:35,083
First, take a bunch of flowers.

1121
01:12:37,353 --> 01:12:38,920
Pretty begonias.

1122
01:12:38,988 --> 01:12:40,856
Irises.

1123
01:12:40,923 --> 01:12:43,225
Freesias.

1124
01:12:43,326 --> 01:12:45,360
Chrysanthemmm...

1125
01:12:48,331 --> 01:12:49,631
...mums, mums.

1126
01:12:51,034 --> 01:12:52,467
Then,

1127
01:12:52,568 --> 01:12:58,106
arrange them nicely in a vase.

1128
01:13:01,144 --> 01:13:03,345
Get in, get in, get in!

1129
01:13:03,446 --> 01:13:05,080
Oh, get in there.

1130
01:13:05,181 --> 01:13:10,218
Oh, get in, get in, come on little flowers.

1131
01:13:10,286 --> 01:13:11,319
Oh, no.

1132
01:13:11,421 --> 01:13:15,190
No! No! My brain hurts!

1133
01:13:19,162 --> 01:13:20,429
Case adjourned.

1134
01:13:29,172 --> 01:13:32,441
Oh, I had a
bitch of a morning in the High Court.

1135
01:13:32,542 --> 01:13:34,776
Oh, me too, love.

1136
01:13:34,877 --> 01:13:38,814
I could stamp me little feet,
the way those QCs carry on.

1137
01:13:38,915 --> 01:13:40,248
Oh, don't I know it, love?

1138
01:13:40,349 --> 01:13:43,718
Objection here, objection there,

1139
01:13:43,820 --> 01:13:47,222
and that nice policeman
giving his evidence so well.

1140
01:13:47,323 --> 01:13:48,623
Beautiful speaking voice.

1141
01:13:48,724 --> 01:13:50,659
- And what a body.
- Yes.

1142
01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:52,527
Well, at the end all I could do
was bang my gavel.

1143
01:13:52,628 --> 01:13:53,595
You what, love?

1144
01:13:53,696 --> 01:13:56,531
I did me "Silence in court" bit.

1145
01:13:56,599 --> 01:13:57,632
Oh, yes.

1146
01:13:57,733 --> 01:13:58,934
If looks could have killed,

1147
01:13:59,035 --> 01:14:02,104
that prosecuting counsel
would have been in for 40 years.

1148
01:14:02,738 --> 01:14:04,306
How did your summing up go?

1149
01:14:14,250 --> 01:14:15,717
I did it in me butch voice, you know,

1150
01:14:15,818 --> 01:14:17,853
"What the jury must understand,"
and they loved it

1151
01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:18,887
I bet they did.

1152
01:14:18,988 --> 01:14:20,422
I can see little foreman of the jury eyeing me.

1153
01:14:20,523 --> 01:14:22,924
- Really?
- Oh yes, cheeky devil.

1154
01:14:23,025 --> 01:14:25,293
Made me want to turn Queen's evidence.

1155
01:14:25,995 --> 01:14:28,230
I know what they mean by a well hung jury.

1156
01:14:29,232 --> 01:14:32,467
Anyway, I finished up with really serious.

1157
01:14:34,470 --> 01:14:38,373
"The actions of these vicious men
are a violent stain upon the community

1158
01:14:38,474 --> 01:14:40,375
"and the full penalty of the law

1159
01:14:40,476 --> 01:14:45,013
"is scarcely sufficient
to deal with their ghastly crimes,"

1160
01:14:45,114 --> 01:14:46,348
And I waggled me wig.

1161
01:14:47,450 --> 01:14:48,717
You waggled your what?

1162
01:14:48,818 --> 01:14:49,885
I waggled me wig.

1163
01:14:50,586 --> 01:14:51,887
Ever so slightly.

1164
01:14:51,988 --> 01:14:53,421
- Stunning effect.
- I bet it was.

1165
01:14:53,523 --> 01:14:56,591
Anyway, I gave him three years.

1166
01:14:56,692 --> 01:14:58,193
Only took ten minutes.

1167
01:14:58,995 --> 01:15:02,497
Tell me, did you handle the Cleese divorce?

1168
01:15:14,310 --> 01:15:15,343
Which one?

1169
01:15:21,784 --> 01:15:23,018
He's had four wives.

1170
01:15:23,085 --> 01:15:24,486
Really?

1171
01:15:24,554 --> 01:15:25,754
Is he a Muslim?

1172
01:15:25,821 --> 01:15:27,289
No.

1173
01:15:27,390 --> 01:15:28,890
It's just the way he walks.

1174
01:15:30,693 --> 01:15:34,429
Tell me, what do you
usually give for sex in a public toilet?

1175
01:15:36,432 --> 01:15:37,566
About ten quid.

1176
01:15:37,633 --> 01:15:38,633
Yeah.

1177
01:15:39,302 --> 01:15:40,302
All in?

1178
01:15:42,205 --> 01:15:43,205
Now, ladies and gents, here it is,

1179
01:15:43,306 --> 01:15:45,574
the show you've been waiting for,
the show you've heard so much about.

1180
01:15:45,675 --> 01:15:47,842
This is the show that gives you
what you want the way you like it,

1181
01:15:47,944 --> 01:15:50,879
so move right up front for Full Frontal Nudity

1182
01:15:50,980 --> 01:15:53,248
Stop the crap. Get on with the show

1183
01:15:55,218 --> 01:15:56,218
Oh, yes.

1184
01:16:00,223 --> 01:16:02,624
Oh, yes.

1185
01:16:05,194 --> 01:16:06,695
Kevin, that's my seat.

1186
01:16:06,796 --> 01:16:08,363
What? Will you sit down?

1187
01:16:08,464 --> 01:16:10,265
- Get out of the way.
- Excuse me.

1188
01:16:10,933 --> 01:16:13,235
Yeah, that's better.

1189
01:16:13,302 --> 01:16:14,603
Yes.

1190
01:16:19,542 --> 01:16:21,576
Look at them. What?

1191
01:16:21,677 --> 01:16:24,145
Get your choc ice cream, sweeties.

1192
01:16:24,247 --> 01:16:25,981
I'm not hungry.

1193
01:16:26,048 --> 01:16:27,082
That's better.

1194
01:16:27,183 --> 01:16:30,218
Oh yes, here we go, here we go

1195
01:16:30,319 --> 01:16:34,456
Will the owner of a Ford Cortina,
registration OYR 312...

1196
01:16:34,557 --> 01:16:36,758
- Shut up
...please move his vehicle?

1197
01:16:36,826 --> 01:16:37,892
And we're back.

1198
01:16:37,994 --> 01:16:40,929
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

1199
01:16:43,966 --> 01:16:45,834
Oh, yeah.

1200
01:16:51,440 --> 01:16:55,076
Oh God, I'll have to come back tomorrow.

1201
01:16:56,045 --> 01:16:57,045
Albatross!

1202
01:17:03,219 --> 01:17:04,552
Albatross!

1203
01:17:06,589 --> 01:17:07,789
Albatross!

1204
01:17:07,890 --> 01:17:09,257
Two choc ices, please.

1205
01:17:09,358 --> 01:17:12,193
I haven't got any choc ices,
I've just got this albatross.

1206
01:17:12,328 --> 01:17:13,728
Albatross!

1207
01:17:14,263 --> 01:17:15,463
What flavour is it?

1208
01:17:15,564 --> 01:17:19,668
What? Well, it's a bloody sea bird,
it's an albatross.

1209
01:17:19,769 --> 01:17:22,003
It's not any bloody flavour.

1210
01:17:22,071 --> 01:17:23,071
Albatross!

1211
01:17:23,172 --> 01:17:24,205
Everything's got a flavour.

1212
01:17:24,307 --> 01:17:27,242
All right, it's bloody sea bird flavour,

1213
01:17:27,343 --> 01:17:31,179
it's bloody albatross bloody flavour.

1214
01:17:31,247 --> 01:17:32,414
Albatross!

1215
01:17:32,515 --> 01:17:33,615
Do you get wafers with it?

1216
01:17:33,716 --> 01:17:36,584
Course you don't get fucking wafers with it!

1217
01:17:37,019 --> 01:17:38,620
It's an albatross!

1218
01:17:39,622 --> 01:17:40,789
You're disgusting.

1219
01:17:40,890 --> 01:17:42,791
You're not even a proper woman.

1220
01:17:43,292 --> 01:17:45,026
Don't you oppress me, mate.

1221
01:17:45,294 --> 01:17:47,095
You should be ashamed of yourself.

1222
01:17:47,163 --> 01:17:48,163
Racist!

1223
01:17:48,230 --> 01:17:49,230
Racist!

1224
01:17:49,298 --> 01:17:50,498
Racist!

1225
01:17:50,599 --> 01:17:52,300
Stormy petrel on a stick.

1226
01:17:53,536 --> 01:17:54,969
Gannet in a basket.

1227
01:18:32,641 --> 01:18:33,808
Evening, squire.

1228
01:18:34,009 --> 01:18:35,043
Good evening

1229
01:18:35,878 --> 01:18:38,780
Is your wife a goer, eh?

1230
01:18:39,615 --> 01:18:41,249
Know what I mean, know what I mean,
nudge, nudge,

1231
01:18:41,350 --> 01:18:42,917
know what I mean, say no more?

1232
01:18:43,018 --> 01:18:44,486
I beg your pardon?

1233
01:18:44,587 --> 01:18:46,388
Your wife, does she go?

1234
01:18:46,489 --> 01:18:47,655
Does she, does she go, eh?

1235
01:18:47,757 --> 01:18:50,058
Well, she sometimes has to go, yes.

1236
01:18:50,159 --> 01:18:53,128
I bet she does, I bet she does, say no more,

1237
01:18:53,229 --> 01:18:55,430
say no more, know what I mean,
nudge, nudge.

1238
01:18:55,798 --> 01:18:57,665
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

1239
01:18:58,334 --> 01:19:02,537
Follow me, follow me,
that's very good, very good.

1240
01:19:02,638 --> 01:19:05,907
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.

1241
01:19:06,575 --> 01:19:08,143
Are you selling something?

1242
01:19:08,210 --> 01:19:09,344
Selling!

1243
01:19:09,445 --> 01:19:11,079
Very good, you're wicked, you are.

1244
01:19:11,180 --> 01:19:14,149
Oh, you are a wicked one,
aren't you, eh, yeah?

1245
01:19:14,250 --> 01:19:16,851
You know what I mean?
Say no more, wicked, eh?

1246
01:19:16,952 --> 01:19:18,086
Say no more.

1247
01:19:18,154 --> 01:19:19,154
What?

1248
01:19:20,356 --> 01:19:23,291
Is your wife interested in sport, eh?

1249
01:19:24,360 --> 01:19:25,627
She likes sport, yes.

1250
01:19:25,728 --> 01:19:27,929
I bet she does, I bet she does.

1251
01:19:28,497 --> 01:19:30,965
As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket.

1252
01:19:31,767 --> 01:19:35,236
Likes games, eh? She likes games.

1253
01:19:35,337 --> 01:19:37,906
I knew she would, I knew she would.
She's been around a bit, eh?

1254
01:19:38,007 --> 01:19:39,274
Been around, been around, eh?

1255
01:19:39,375 --> 01:19:42,177
Well, she has travelled. She's from Purley.

1256
01:19:42,278 --> 01:19:43,311
Whoa!

1257
01:19:44,213 --> 01:19:47,449
Purley? Say no more, say no more,

1258
01:19:47,550 --> 01:19:50,151
say no more, say no more!

1259
01:19:51,153 --> 01:19:52,153
Well?

1260
01:19:53,189 --> 01:19:56,458
Is your wife interested in photography?

1261
01:19:57,460 --> 01:19:58,526
Photography?

1262
01:19:59,061 --> 01:20:03,064
"Photographs, eh?"
He asked him knowingly.

1263
01:20:03,165 --> 01:20:04,265
Photography?

1264
01:20:04,366 --> 01:20:07,569
Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink,
nudge, nudge, say no more.

1265
01:20:07,670 --> 01:20:09,037
Holiday snaps?

1266
01:20:09,138 --> 01:20:12,073
They could be, they could be
taken on holiday, you know?

1267
01:20:13,042 --> 01:20:15,643
Swimming costumes.

1268
01:20:22,718 --> 01:20:23,885
Dressing up.

1269
01:20:33,362 --> 01:20:36,130
Candid photography,
if you know what I mean, you know?

1270
01:20:36,232 --> 01:20:37,732
Behind the scenes bit.

1271
01:20:37,833 --> 01:20:39,200
No, we don't have a camera.

1272
01:20:39,268 --> 01:20:40,568
Still...

1273
01:20:44,673 --> 01:20:47,242
Look, are you insinuating something?

1274
01:20:47,309 --> 01:20:49,744
Oh no! No!

1275
01:20:49,812 --> 01:20:50,912
Yes.

1276
01:20:51,780 --> 01:20:52,847
Well?

1277
01:20:52,948 --> 01:20:55,750
Well, I mean, you're a man of the world,
squire, you know,

1278
01:20:55,851 --> 01:20:58,219
you've been around a bit,
you know, been around.

1279
01:20:58,320 --> 01:20:59,320
What do you mean?

1280
01:20:59,421 --> 01:21:02,190
Well, I mean, like, you know,
you've... you've done it.

1281
01:21:02,291 --> 01:21:04,826
You've slept with a lady.

1282
01:21:04,894 --> 01:21:06,694
Yes.

1283
01:21:06,762 --> 01:21:08,463
What's it like?

1284
01:21:15,771 --> 01:21:17,338
Blackmail!

1285
01:21:23,445 --> 01:21:24,812
Blackmail!

1286
01:21:25,247 --> 01:21:27,749
Is your wife a goer, eh?

1287
01:21:27,850 --> 01:21:30,418
Know what I mean, know what I mean,
nudge, nudge, say no more

1288
01:21:30,519 --> 01:21:33,388
Does she, does she go, eh?
Oh, I bet she does.

1289
01:21:36,158 --> 01:21:37,125
Wink, wink, eh?

1290
01:21:37,226 --> 01:21:39,827
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.

1291
01:21:39,929 --> 01:21:40,895
Say no more!

1292
01:21:40,996 --> 01:21:42,797
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,

1293
01:21:42,865 --> 01:21:44,499
Blackmail!

1294
01:21:44,600 --> 01:21:46,668
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,

1295
01:21:46,735 --> 01:21:48,202
Blackmail!

1296
01:21:52,541 --> 01:21:55,410
Is your girlfriend interested in photography?

1297
01:21:56,712 --> 01:21:59,814
"Photographs, eh?"
He asked him knowingly.

1298
01:22:00,049 --> 01:22:02,717
Candid, you know,
candid photography, eh?

1299
01:22:03,118 --> 01:22:04,085
Say no more!

1300
01:22:04,186 --> 01:22:07,522
Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink,
nudge, nudge, whoo, that's better!

1301
01:22:07,623 --> 01:22:09,724
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,

1302
01:22:09,792 --> 01:22:11,559
Blackmail!

1303
01:22:11,660 --> 01:22:13,661
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink,

1304
01:22:13,729 --> 01:22:15,630
Blackmail!

1305
01:22:25,774 --> 01:22:27,375
Blackmail!

1306
01:22:33,148 --> 01:22:34,716
Blackmail!

1307
01:22:36,852 --> 01:22:39,721
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Blackmail.

1308
01:22:39,822 --> 01:22:42,657
Live from the Tower Backroom, Blackpool.

1309
01:22:42,758 --> 01:22:45,026
Please welcome your host for tonight,

1310
01:22:45,127 --> 01:22:48,596
here's Nobby.

1311
01:22:56,639 --> 01:23:01,609
Hello and welcome to Blackmail,
the show people can't wait to be off.

1312
01:23:03,612 --> 01:23:08,182
And first we go north to Preston
in Lancashire and Mrs Betty Teal.

1313
01:23:08,283 --> 01:23:11,352
Now, Mrs Teal, this is for £500,

1314
01:23:11,453 --> 01:23:16,224
and this will stop us revealing
the name of your lover in Bolton.

1315
01:23:17,259 --> 01:23:20,628
So, Mrs Teal, £500 by tomorrow, please,

1316
01:23:20,729 --> 01:23:22,697
and your husband Trevor

1317
01:23:22,798 --> 01:23:25,900
and your lovely children Diane, Janice
and little Juliette,

1318
01:23:26,001 --> 01:23:27,935
who's having a difficult time at school
at the moment,

1319
01:23:28,270 --> 01:23:31,706
need never know
the name of your lover in Bolton.

1320
01:23:35,177 --> 01:23:39,180
What a hunk. Now, a politician,
a freemason, an ex-guardsman

1321
01:23:39,281 --> 01:23:42,550
and a prominent supporter
of the English Folk Dance Movement.

1322
01:23:43,018 --> 01:23:47,155
Well, he's been getting into
a bit of a dance of his own.

1323
01:23:47,256 --> 01:23:51,826
On last week's programme, he had the
chance to pay up and hush it up,

1324
01:23:51,927 --> 01:23:54,862
but he thought he knew better.
Well, we've got news for him.

1325
01:23:54,963 --> 01:23:57,899
He thinks he's at
a crack addict's conference in Broadstairs.

1326
01:23:58,000 --> 01:24:00,902
In fact, he's here backstage
at our Blackmail studios.

1327
01:24:00,969 --> 01:24:02,403
Bring him on!

1328
01:24:05,808 --> 01:24:10,111
Hey! Sir Norman Barry Castle.

1329
01:24:11,613 --> 01:24:13,114
Welcome to Blackmail.

1330
01:24:13,215 --> 01:24:16,284
Well, you elected not to pay up,
so here you are now

1331
01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:18,753
in front of our studio audience of 15,000,

1332
01:24:18,854 --> 01:24:20,955
our global audience of fifty million,

1333
01:24:21,056 --> 01:24:27,829
paying the price
of our right to know everything about you.

1334
01:24:29,865 --> 01:24:32,333
Well, your career's in ruins,
but the good thing is

1335
01:24:32,434 --> 01:24:35,670
that your wife is gonna stand by you
and she's here in the studio tonight.

1336
01:24:36,405 --> 01:24:38,840
Is she with us? Can we see her there?

1337
01:24:38,941 --> 01:24:41,476
Lovely, thank you.

1338
01:24:41,577 --> 01:24:43,745
Thank you for coming along.

1339
01:24:46,615 --> 01:24:49,283
Behind every strong man,
there's a stronger woman.

1340
01:24:49,351 --> 01:24:50,384
You bastard.

1341
01:24:50,486 --> 01:24:52,286
Well, that's what they all say
but he should have...

1342
01:24:52,387 --> 01:24:55,089
- Kept it in his pants.
- Kept it in his pants.

1343
01:24:55,190 --> 01:24:57,091
Well, thank you, Sir Norman.

1344
01:24:57,192 --> 01:25:01,062
Now it's telephone time,
so bring on the golden phone.

1345
01:25:01,930 --> 01:25:06,100
Last week, we showed you this photograph
of three middle-aged car enthusiasts

1346
01:25:06,802 --> 01:25:10,905
and asked them to send in £30,000
to stop us revealing the name

1347
01:25:11,006 --> 01:25:12,740
of the two girls from the garage,

1348
01:25:13,575 --> 01:25:15,243
the make of car in which they did it

1349
01:25:16,345 --> 01:25:20,782
and the type of engine oil
they used for lubrication. Well...

1350
01:25:21,416 --> 01:25:24,085
...we've heard nothing from them,
so it's time to...

1351
01:25:24,186 --> 01:25:25,486
- Fill in the puzzle!
- Fill in the puzzle!

1352
01:25:25,854 --> 01:25:28,022
Let's see more.

1353
01:25:28,123 --> 01:25:31,392
OK boys, you're on Blackmail

1354
01:25:31,493 --> 01:25:35,663
and it's now £40,000 each.

1355
01:25:35,764 --> 01:25:41,903
Well, they're either very brave or very rich.
Let's see which it is.

1356
01:25:42,004 --> 01:25:48,075
£400,000 now, unless we hear
from James or Richard or...

1357
01:25:50,145 --> 01:25:54,448
Hello, hello.
Hello Jeremy, yeah, how are you?

1358
01:25:54,550 --> 01:25:57,985
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I'm sure you didn't, no, no, no.

1359
01:25:58,086 --> 01:26:01,088
We don't morally censure,
we just want the money.

1360
01:26:01,190 --> 01:26:04,025
If your cheque's in the mail,
you won't be in the Daily Mail.

1361
01:26:04,126 --> 01:26:05,293
Thanks for playing Blackmail.

1362
01:26:05,894 --> 01:26:08,362
Thanks. You too, Jezza.

1363
01:26:08,430 --> 01:26:10,064
Lovely man.

1364
01:26:10,165 --> 01:26:12,200
Deeply flawed.

1365
01:26:12,301 --> 01:26:15,603
Now, what is it time for now, Veronica?

1366
01:26:15,704 --> 01:26:18,339
I'm A Celebrity Or Am I?

1367
01:26:18,440 --> 01:26:20,441
I'm A Celebrity Or Am I?

1368
01:26:20,542 --> 01:26:24,512
Your chance to play the game where
we bring on a mystery contestant

1369
01:26:24,613 --> 01:26:26,147
and you have to tell us whether you think

1370
01:26:26,248 --> 01:26:29,851
he's a celebrity or a mere non-entity,
so here he comes...

1371
01:26:29,952 --> 01:26:32,453
Celebrity or non-entity?

1372
01:26:32,554 --> 01:26:33,821
Let's start the clock.

1373
01:26:35,190 --> 01:26:37,491
The famous legs,
are those Simon Cowell's legs?

1374
01:26:37,593 --> 01:26:39,093
Are these legs you recognise?

1375
01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:40,661
Looks pretty ordinary to me.

1376
01:26:40,762 --> 01:26:42,496
Could just be an ordinary guy off the street.

1377
01:26:42,598 --> 01:26:46,300
Could be a celebrity.
Five, four, three, two, one.

1378
01:26:46,401 --> 01:26:48,436
Off with the bag. Oh my God!

1379
01:26:49,238 --> 01:26:51,138
Wow!

1380
01:27:00,482 --> 01:27:03,384
International man of mystery himself.

1381
01:27:03,485 --> 01:27:09,624
This is a great moment but, Mike, Mike.
We're both Mike so I can Mike...

1382
01:27:09,725 --> 01:27:11,092
- Yes.
- I can Mike with you.

1383
01:27:11,193 --> 01:27:13,261
- You're on Blackmail...
- Yes.

1384
01:27:13,362 --> 01:27:15,329
What's gone wrong?

1385
01:27:15,430 --> 01:27:18,299
You mean, what's gone right?

1386
01:27:18,400 --> 01:27:21,435
- Did I?
- I'm on stage with you, sir.

1387
01:27:21,536 --> 01:27:23,638
Well, we want you to confess, you know?

1388
01:27:23,739 --> 01:27:25,840
Because Blackmail,
we know you've been in trouble,

1389
01:27:25,941 --> 01:27:28,776
so if there's anything you wanna share
with the audience, now's your time.

1390
01:27:30,012 --> 01:27:31,812
I wanna share how incredibly honoured I am

1391
01:27:31,914 --> 01:27:33,381
to be on stage with Monty Python,

1392
01:27:33,482 --> 01:27:36,817
the greatest comedy troupe in the
history of the English language.

1393
01:27:39,054 --> 01:27:40,588
And...

1394
01:27:42,257 --> 01:27:43,257
And...

1395
01:27:43,358 --> 01:27:47,094
There may be photographs
of me with German Shepherds.

1396
01:27:48,196 --> 01:27:49,297
- Oh wow...
- Yeah.

1397
01:27:49,398 --> 01:27:51,933
He's too nice a guy.
Thank you for coming on the show, Mike.

1398
01:27:52,000 --> 01:27:52,967
That's it? OK.

1399
01:27:53,068 --> 01:27:55,536
Thank you and thank you all, girls,
for Blackmail.

1400
01:27:55,637 --> 01:27:56,837
See you next week!

1401
01:28:26,702 --> 01:28:30,771
Good evening and welcome
to another edition of Science Today,

1402
01:28:30,872 --> 01:28:33,341
where we look at science today,

1403
01:28:33,442 --> 01:28:36,577
and today we have with us Anne Elk,

1404
01:28:36,678 --> 01:28:39,613
- Mrs Anne Elk.
- Miss.

1405
01:28:40,949 --> 01:28:42,783
- Miss Anne Elk.
- Miss. Yes.

1406
01:28:42,884 --> 01:28:46,887
Sorry. Miss Elk, you have a new theory
about the brontosaurus.

1407
01:28:46,989 --> 01:28:53,494
Can I just say at this point, Chris, that I
have a new theory about the brontosaurus?

1408
01:28:55,630 --> 01:28:56,897
Exactly.

1409
01:28:59,534 --> 01:29:01,669
- What is it?
- Where?

1410
01:29:01,770 --> 01:29:04,772
- Your new theory?
- What is my theory?

1411
01:29:04,873 --> 01:29:07,008
- Yes.
- What is my theory that it is.

1412
01:29:07,109 --> 01:29:11,545
Well, Chris, you may well ask me
what is my theory.

1413
01:29:11,646 --> 01:29:15,549
- I am asking what is your theory.
- Well done, Chris.

1414
01:29:15,650 --> 01:29:17,985
- Thank you.
- Spot on.

1415
01:29:18,086 --> 01:29:23,524
My word, yes. Well, Chris, what is it,
that it is, this theory of mine?

1416
01:29:23,625 --> 01:29:29,530
Well, this is what it is. My theory, which
belongs to me and which I own, is mine.

1417
01:29:34,803 --> 01:29:37,605
Yes, I know it's yours, but what is it?

1418
01:29:37,706 --> 01:29:41,142
- Where?
- Your theory.

1419
01:29:41,243 --> 01:29:43,844
- What is my theory?
- Yes.

1420
01:29:43,912 --> 01:29:45,746
This is it.

1421
01:29:51,086 --> 01:29:53,554
Here is my theory and what it is too.

1422
01:30:04,066 --> 01:30:07,468
"My theory, by Anne Elk,

1423
01:30:07,569 --> 01:30:09,070
"brackets, Miss, brackets..."

1424
01:30:16,878 --> 01:30:20,114
The next thing that I will say
will be my theory.

1425
01:30:23,919 --> 01:30:26,087
Here it comes.

1426
01:30:26,188 --> 01:30:27,755
You ready, Chris?

1427
01:30:27,823 --> 01:30:29,623
Yes.

1428
01:30:29,724 --> 01:30:33,594
My theory begins now.

1429
01:30:33,695 --> 01:30:37,865
All brontosauruses are thin at one end
and then much thicker in the middle

1430
01:30:37,966 --> 01:30:39,867
and then thin at the far end again.

1431
01:30:39,968 --> 01:30:45,473
That is my theory and what it is,
and it belongs to me too and it's mine.

1432
01:30:48,844 --> 01:30:52,079
- That's it, is it?
- Spot on, Chris.

1433
01:30:52,180 --> 01:30:55,483
Well, this theory of yours certainly
seems to have hit the nail on the head.

1434
01:30:55,584 --> 01:30:56,617
Thank you, Chris, thank you.

1435
01:30:56,718 --> 01:30:58,452
- Next week sees the opening...
- Thank you very much.

1436
01:30:58,553 --> 01:31:00,554
...of a new wasp...
- Thank you.

1437
01:31:00,655 --> 01:31:02,356
And thank you for asking me to the studio.

1438
01:31:02,457 --> 01:31:05,326
You're very welcome.
Next week sees the opening of a...

1439
01:31:05,427 --> 01:31:07,862
...of a new wasp farm near Redditch...

1440
01:31:07,963 --> 01:31:11,732
...that is going to...

1441
01:31:11,833 --> 01:31:12,833
Next week sees the opening...

1442
01:31:12,934 --> 01:31:16,003
I have another theory.

1443
01:31:16,071 --> 01:31:17,271
Really?

1444
01:31:17,372 --> 01:31:21,342
Called, "My Second Theory"
or "Miss Anne Elk,

1445
01:31:21,443 --> 01:31:25,813
"bracket, Miss, second theory, number two."

1446
01:31:25,914 --> 01:31:29,483
- Would you like to hear it?
- Yes, all right.

1447
01:32:01,950 --> 01:32:08,022
My second theory states that dentists
can make your teeth dance.

1448
01:32:09,457 --> 01:32:11,025
- Really?
- Look.

1449
01:32:13,461 --> 01:32:19,033
Yes, mothers, it's time once again for
Conrad Poohs and his dancing teeth.

1450
01:33:10,952 --> 01:33:12,186
Come in.

1451
01:33:14,322 --> 01:33:16,290
Trouble at mill.

1452
01:33:16,391 --> 01:33:19,593
Oh no. What sort of trouble?

1453
01:33:19,728 --> 01:33:22,229
One of crossbeam's
gone out of skew on treadle.

1454
01:33:22,297 --> 01:33:23,364
Pardon?

1455
01:33:23,465 --> 01:33:26,133
One of crossbeam's
gone out of skew on treadle.

1456
01:33:26,234 --> 01:33:28,969
I don't understand what you're saying.

1457
01:33:29,070 --> 01:33:32,606
One of the crossbeams has gone
out of askew on the treadle.

1458
01:33:32,707 --> 01:33:35,743
- Well, what on earth does that mean?
- Well, I don't know.

1459
01:33:35,844 --> 01:33:39,213
Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here
and say there was trouble at mill, that's all.

1460
01:33:39,314 --> 01:33:41,749
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

1461
01:33:50,992 --> 01:33:53,360
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

1462
01:33:53,461 --> 01:33:57,164
Our chief weapon is surprise,
surprise and fear. Fear as well.

1463
01:33:57,265 --> 01:34:00,000
Our two weapons are fear
and surprise and ruthless...

1464
01:34:00,101 --> 01:34:04,038
Our three weapons are fear
and surprise and ruthless efficiency

1465
01:34:04,139 --> 01:34:05,873
and an almost fanatical devotion to...

1466
01:34:05,974 --> 01:34:07,841
Four, our four...

1467
01:34:07,942 --> 01:34:10,744
The... the... I'll come in again.

1468
01:34:23,892 --> 01:34:26,694
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

1469
01:34:30,865 --> 01:34:32,866
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

1470
01:34:33,468 --> 01:34:36,303
Amongst our weaponry,
our five diverse elements,

1471
01:34:36,404 --> 01:34:41,642
are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope

1472
01:34:41,743 --> 01:34:43,777
and nice red uniforms.

1473
01:34:43,878 --> 01:34:46,647
No, I can't do this, I can't say this.
You'll have to say it.

1474
01:34:46,748 --> 01:34:48,982
- What?
- The bit about our chief weapons.

1475
01:34:49,084 --> 01:34:50,751
I couldn't do that.

1476
01:34:55,357 --> 01:34:56,724
Nobody...

1477
01:34:56,791 --> 01:34:57,758
Expects.

1478
01:34:57,859 --> 01:35:00,227
Nobody expects the Spanish...

1479
01:35:00,328 --> 01:35:02,863
- Inquisition.
- I know, I know.

1480
01:35:02,964 --> 01:35:06,100
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

1481
01:35:06,201 --> 01:35:08,869
- In fact, those...
- Our chief weapons are...

1482
01:35:08,970 --> 01:35:12,706
- Our chief weapons are...
- Surprise.

1483
01:35:12,807 --> 01:35:14,541
- Surprise and...
- Stop. Stop there, stop there. Good.

1484
01:35:14,642 --> 01:35:18,345
Surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency,
fanatical devotion to the Pope.

1485
01:35:18,446 --> 01:35:20,914
- Cardinal Fang...
- Yes, love?

1486
01:35:35,530 --> 01:35:36,964
Read the charges.

1487
01:35:38,333 --> 01:35:40,467
14 ducats for a complete massage on...

1488
01:35:40,568 --> 01:35:42,836
No, no, no, the charges against her.

1489
01:35:47,609 --> 01:35:52,646
You have hereby been charged
that you did on diverse dates

1490
01:35:52,747 --> 01:35:57,684
commit heresy against the Holy Church
by word, thought and deed.

1491
01:35:57,786 --> 01:35:59,219
With full relief, 22 ducats...

1492
01:35:59,320 --> 01:36:01,121
Yeah, no, that's enough, that's enough.

1493
01:36:02,424 --> 01:36:06,193
So... how do you plead?

1494
01:36:07,796 --> 01:36:09,129
Innocent.

1495
01:36:10,565 --> 01:36:13,367
- Innocent!
- Very well.

1496
01:36:14,436 --> 01:36:16,370
Cardinal Biggles...

1497
01:36:17,272 --> 01:36:19,740
Fetch the rack.

1498
01:36:34,656 --> 01:36:37,758
Tie her to the rack.

1499
01:36:45,967 --> 01:36:46,700
So...

1500
01:36:48,536 --> 01:36:50,671
How do you plead?

1501
01:36:50,738 --> 01:36:52,873
Innocent.

1502
01:36:52,974 --> 01:36:57,711
Cardinal... give the rack a turn.

1503
01:36:57,812 --> 01:36:59,546
- I...
- I know, I know you can't,

1504
01:36:59,647 --> 01:37:02,983
I didn't want to say anything,
I just wanted to ignore your crass mistake.

1505
01:37:03,084 --> 01:37:06,653
- I...
- It makes it all seem so stupid.

1506
01:37:06,754 --> 01:37:09,156
- Shall I...
- Just pretend, pretend for God's sake.

1507
01:37:14,195 --> 01:37:17,164
So, old woman, you are accused
of heresy on three counts.

1508
01:37:17,265 --> 01:37:21,602
Heresy by thought, heresy by word,
heresy by deed and heresy by action.

1509
01:37:21,703 --> 01:37:24,037
Four, four, four counts.

1510
01:37:25,273 --> 01:37:26,940
Do you...

1511
01:37:30,144 --> 01:37:31,812
Confess?

1512
01:37:31,913 --> 01:37:34,781
I don't understand what I'm accused of.

1513
01:37:36,384 --> 01:37:37,818
Then we shall make you understand.

1514
01:37:37,919 --> 01:37:42,189
Cardinal, take her... to the comfy chair.

1515
01:37:47,862 --> 01:37:50,797
So you think you can survive the rack.
You will not survive the comfy chair.

1516
01:37:51,432 --> 01:37:54,535
So... old woman, you have one last chance.

1517
01:37:54,936 --> 01:37:56,904
Confess the heinous sin of heresy,

1518
01:37:57,005 --> 01:37:59,239
reject the works of the ungodly...
Two, two last chances,

1519
01:37:59,340 --> 01:38:03,277
and you shall be... three, three last chances.

1520
01:38:03,344 --> 01:38:05,312
Confess.

1521
01:38:05,413 --> 01:38:11,785
- Confess. Confess. Confess. Confess.
- Confess. Confess. Confess. Confess.

1522
01:38:12,186 --> 01:38:13,954
I confess!

1523
01:38:14,022 --> 01:38:16,323
No, not you.

1524
01:38:18,059 --> 01:38:21,962
I have one last weapon in my armoury.
If you do not talk...

1525
01:38:22,063 --> 01:38:26,433
- I will show you... the fridge.
- Not the fridge!

1526
01:38:28,369 --> 01:38:32,306
Cardinal, go to the fridge and get her...

1527
01:38:32,407 --> 01:38:36,777
A large glass of... cold milk.

1528
01:38:44,485 --> 01:38:47,054
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown...

1529
01:38:47,455 --> 01:38:50,557
and things seem hard or tough

1530
01:38:50,658 --> 01:38:55,562
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft

1531
01:38:55,663 --> 01:39:00,567
And you feel that you've had quite enough

1532
01:39:02,971 --> 01:39:08,809
Just remember that you're standing
on a planet that's evolving

1533
01:39:08,910 --> 01:39:12,879
and revolving at 900 miles an hour

1534
01:39:12,981 --> 01:39:16,683
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second
so it's reckoned

1535
01:39:16,784 --> 01:39:20,887
The sun that is the source of all our power

1536
01:39:20,989 --> 01:39:24,758
The sun and you and me
and all the stars that we can see

1537
01:39:24,859 --> 01:39:28,362
are moving at a million miles a day

1538
01:39:28,997 --> 01:39:33,066
In an outer spiral arm,
at 40,000 miles an hour

1539
01:39:33,167 --> 01:39:36,737
of the galaxy we call the Milky Way

1540
01:39:45,380 --> 01:39:49,316
Our galaxy itself contains 500 billion stars

1541
01:39:49,417 --> 01:39:53,654
It's a hundred thousand light years
side to side

1542
01:39:53,755 --> 01:39:57,391
It bulges in the middle,
six thousand light years thick

1543
01:39:57,492 --> 01:40:01,294
but out by us it's just
a thousand light years wide

1544
01:40:01,996 --> 01:40:05,899
We're 40,000 light years
from Galactic Central Point

1545
01:40:06,000 --> 01:40:09,603
we go round every 200 million years

1546
01:40:10,238 --> 01:40:14,174
And our galaxy
is only one of millions and billions

1547
01:40:14,275 --> 01:40:18,412
in this amazing and expanding universe

1548
01:40:51,479 --> 01:40:56,249
The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding

1549
01:40:56,350 --> 01:40:59,686
In all of the directions it can whizz

1550
01:41:00,354 --> 01:41:04,324
As fast as it can go
at the speed of light you know

1551
01:41:04,425 --> 01:41:08,095
12 million miles a minute and
that's the fastest speed there is

1552
01:41:08,196 --> 01:41:12,499
So remember when you're feeling
very small and insecure

1553
01:41:12,600 --> 01:41:16,536
How amazingly unlikely is your birth

1554
01:41:16,637 --> 01:41:20,707
And pray that there's intelligent life
somewhere out in space

1555
01:41:20,808 --> 01:41:23,844
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on earth

1556
01:41:36,424 --> 01:41:39,993
Now there are many reasons why
I find that song scientifically inaccurate.

1557
01:41:40,595 --> 01:41:42,129
It's pathetic really.

1558
01:41:42,230 --> 01:41:44,831
The statement that
the sun is the source of all our power.

1559
01:41:44,932 --> 01:41:48,668
Well, take geothermal energy.
That comes from the heat of the earth's core.

1560
01:41:48,770 --> 01:41:52,205
That's generated, at least in part,
by the radioactive decay of uranium.

1561
01:41:52,306 --> 01:41:55,108
Uranium was formed
in supernova explosions.

1562
01:41:55,209 --> 01:41:58,945
Then the statement that the earth
orbits at 19 miles a second.

1563
01:41:59,046 --> 01:42:01,548
Well that'd be OK
if the earth's orbit was circular,

1564
01:42:01,649 --> 01:42:03,016
but in fact it's elliptical,

1565
01:42:03,117 --> 01:42:07,087
so it's better to say that the earth
sweeps out equal areas in equal times.

1566
01:42:07,188 --> 01:42:09,689
Kepler knew that back in 1609.

1567
01:42:09,791 --> 01:42:13,226
Then the statement that space time
expands at the speed of light.

1568
01:42:13,327 --> 01:42:15,195
Well, there was a period of expansion,

1569
01:42:15,296 --> 01:42:17,798
exponential expansion
between 10 to the minus 36

1570
01:42:17,899 --> 01:42:22,202
and 10 to the minus 32 seconds after
the Big Bang called inflation, in which the

1571
01:42:23,871 --> 01:42:26,907
I think you are being pedantic.

1572
01:42:27,008 --> 01:42:29,409
Just remember that you're standing

1573
01:42:29,510 --> 01:42:35,649
on a planet that's evolving
and revolving at 900 miles an hour

1574
01:42:35,750 --> 01:42:39,653
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second,
so it's reckoned

1575
01:42:39,754 --> 01:42:43,323
The sun that is the source of all our power

1576
01:42:43,424 --> 01:42:47,460
The sun and you and me and
all the stars that we can see

1577
01:42:47,562 --> 01:42:50,030
Are moving at a million miles a day

1578
01:42:51,465 --> 01:42:55,435
In an outer spiral arm
at 400,000 miles an hour

1579
01:42:55,536 --> 01:42:59,239
In a galaxy we call the Milky Way

1580
01:44:14,448 --> 01:44:16,182
Work, work, money, money
Work, work, money, money

1581
01:44:16,284 --> 01:44:18,118
Work, work, funny money
Funny money, work, work

1582
01:44:18,219 --> 01:44:20,186
Work, work, hurry, hurry
Work, work, worry, worry

1583
01:44:20,288 --> 01:44:22,122
Work, work, hurry, hurry
Worry hurry, work, work

1584
01:44:22,223 --> 01:44:24,124
Morning, morning, morning

1585
01:44:24,225 --> 01:44:26,126
Morning Jill, morning Jack

1586
01:44:26,227 --> 01:44:28,194
Can't complain, keep coming back

1587
01:44:28,296 --> 01:44:30,130
Morning, morning, morning

1588
01:44:30,231 --> 01:44:32,132
Morning Jim, morning Fred

1589
01:44:32,233 --> 01:44:34,167
Work all day until you're dead

1590
01:44:34,268 --> 01:44:36,002
Money is the root of evil

1591
01:44:36,103 --> 01:44:38,071
Money is the fruit of sin

1592
01:44:38,172 --> 01:44:40,173
Money is the root of everything

1593
01:44:40,274 --> 01:44:42,142
Wear a suit, they'll let you in

1594
01:44:42,243 --> 01:44:44,210
Morning, morning, morning

1595
01:44:44,312 --> 01:44:46,146
What's the point and what's the use

1596
01:44:46,247 --> 01:44:48,181
Work until you reproduce

1597
01:44:48,282 --> 01:44:50,116
Boring, boring, boring

1598
01:44:50,217 --> 01:44:52,185
Work all day, earn your bread

1599
01:44:52,286 --> 01:44:54,054
Till you finally drop down dead

1600
01:44:54,155 --> 01:44:56,156
Money is the root of evil

1601
01:44:56,257 --> 01:44:58,058
Money is the fruit of sin

1602
01:44:58,159 --> 01:45:00,160
Money, money, money can drive you mad

1603
01:45:00,261 --> 01:45:02,095
End up in the loony bin

1604
01:45:10,271 --> 01:45:12,172
Work, work, money, money
Work, work, money, money

1605
01:45:12,273 --> 01:45:14,140
Work, work, funny money
Funny money, work, work

1606
01:45:14,241 --> 01:45:16,142
Work, work, hurry, hurry
Work, work, worry, worry

1607
01:45:16,243 --> 01:45:18,111
Work, work, hurry, hurry
Worry hurry, work, work

1608
01:45:18,212 --> 01:45:20,347
Money is the root of evil

1609
01:45:20,448 --> 01:45:22,148
Money is the fruit of sin

1610
01:45:22,249 --> 01:45:24,117
Money is the root of everything

1611
01:45:24,218 --> 01:45:26,219
Pay up or we'll do you in

1612
01:45:30,124 --> 01:45:32,158
Work hard every single day

1613
01:45:32,259 --> 01:45:34,194
Work, work, work your life away

1614
01:45:34,295 --> 01:45:36,196
Don't question what,
Don't question why

1615
01:45:36,297 --> 01:45:38,164
Just keep working till you die

1616
01:45:38,265 --> 01:45:40,200
Money is the root of evil

1617
01:45:40,301 --> 01:45:42,168
Money is the fruit of sin

1618
01:45:42,269 --> 01:45:44,170
Money is the root of everything

1619
01:45:44,271 --> 01:45:46,172
The Grim Reaper's coming in

1620
01:45:50,211 --> 01:45:52,178
Life is a silly walk in the park

1621
01:45:52,279 --> 01:45:54,180
A knife in your throat held after dark

1622
01:45:54,281 --> 01:45:56,149
Life is a terrible joke, a lark

1623
01:45:56,250 --> 01:45:58,184
A spoken word then it all goes dark

1624
01:45:58,285 --> 01:46:00,120
Money is the root of evil

1625
01:46:00,221 --> 01:46:02,188
Money is the fruit of sin

1626
01:46:02,289 --> 01:46:04,124
Funny money loot will make you rich

1627
01:46:04,225 --> 01:46:06,192
Life's a bitch and you can't win

1628
01:46:06,293 --> 01:46:08,194
Money is the root of evil

1629
01:46:08,295 --> 01:46:10,196
Never, never question why

1630
01:46:10,297 --> 01:46:12,132
Money is the fruit of evil

1631
01:46:12,233 --> 01:46:14,567
Work all day until you die

1632
01:46:33,988 --> 01:46:35,121
Hello.

1633
01:46:35,222 --> 01:46:38,625
Good afternoon sir,
have you come for an argument?

1634
01:46:43,597 --> 01:46:45,098
Or would you like a blow job?

1635
01:46:47,334 --> 01:46:48,301
Pardon?

1636
01:46:48,402 --> 01:46:50,336
You've come for an argument.

1637
01:46:50,438 --> 01:46:54,774
- What was the other option?
- Nothing... Nothing.

1638
01:46:54,875 --> 01:46:57,510
It's just a special offer.

1639
01:46:57,611 --> 01:46:59,612
So have you been here before?

1640
01:46:59,713 --> 01:47:01,414
No this is my first time.

1641
01:47:01,515 --> 01:47:04,617
I see. Well would you like
to have just one argument?

1642
01:47:04,718 --> 01:47:06,352
Or were you thinking of taking a course?

1643
01:47:06,454 --> 01:47:07,620
Well what is the cost?

1644
01:47:07,721 --> 01:47:12,358
It's £1 for a five minute argument,
but only £8 for a course of ten.

1645
01:47:12,460 --> 01:47:14,994
Well I think I'll take the five minutes
and see how it goes from there.

1646
01:47:15,096 --> 01:47:20,200
Fine. Let's see. Yes, try Mr Barnard.

1647
01:47:20,301 --> 01:47:21,401
Thank you. Thank you.

1648
01:47:22,870 --> 01:47:24,838
Such nice people.

1649
01:47:26,774 --> 01:47:28,808
- What do you want?
- Well I... I...

1650
01:47:28,909 --> 01:47:32,378
And don't give me that, you snotty-faced
heap of parrot droppings.

1651
01:47:32,480 --> 01:47:35,014
Shut your festering gob, you tit.

1652
01:47:35,116 --> 01:47:40,820
Your type makes me puke.
You vacuous stuffy malodorous old pervert.

1653
01:47:40,921 --> 01:47:42,555
Look, I came here for an argument.

1654
01:47:42,656 --> 01:47:44,757
I'm sorry, this is abuse.

1655
01:47:46,894 --> 01:47:50,964
- You want next door.
- I see. Thank you.

1656
01:47:51,065 --> 01:47:52,799
Not at all.

1657
01:47:52,867 --> 01:47:54,334
Stupid dick!

1658
01:47:56,871 --> 01:47:59,506
Hello.
Is this the right room for an argument?

1659
01:47:59,607 --> 01:48:01,674
I've told you once...

1660
01:48:01,775 --> 01:48:03,510
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.

1661
01:48:03,611 --> 01:48:05,445
- When?
- Just now.

1662
01:48:05,546 --> 01:48:08,548
- No, you didn't. You didn't.
- Yes, I did.

1663
01:48:08,649 --> 01:48:12,252
I'm sorry. Is this the five minute argument
or the full half hour?

1664
01:48:12,353 --> 01:48:14,220
- Just the five minutes.
- Just the five minutes.

1665
01:48:14,321 --> 01:48:16,489
Thank you very much.
Anyway I did.

1666
01:48:16,590 --> 01:48:17,557
You most certainly did not.

1667
01:48:17,658 --> 01:48:20,960
Now let's get one thing absolutely clear.
I most definitely told you.

1668
01:48:21,061 --> 01:48:22,162
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

1669
01:48:22,263 --> 01:48:23,396
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

1670
01:48:23,497 --> 01:48:24,631
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

1671
01:48:24,732 --> 01:48:25,865
- No you didn't.
- Yes I did.

1672
01:48:25,966 --> 01:48:27,066
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

1673
01:48:27,168 --> 01:48:28,301
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

1674
01:48:28,402 --> 01:48:29,536
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

1675
01:48:29,637 --> 01:48:30,770
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.

1676
01:48:30,871 --> 01:48:33,173
No, you didn't. Look, this isn't an argument.

1677
01:48:33,274 --> 01:48:35,341
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.

1678
01:48:37,444 --> 01:48:39,012
- Just contradiction.
- No, it isn't.

1679
01:48:39,113 --> 01:48:41,814
- You contradicted me just then. You did...
- I did not.

1680
01:48:41,916 --> 01:48:44,584
Never. No, no, no, no, no.

1681
01:48:45,419 --> 01:48:47,120
This is futile.

1682
01:48:47,221 --> 01:48:49,322
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

1683
01:48:50,457 --> 01:48:52,325
- I came here for a good argument.
- No, you didn't.

1684
01:48:52,426 --> 01:48:53,826
You came here for an argument.

1685
01:48:53,928 --> 01:48:55,995
- But an argument isn't just contradiction.
- Yes, it is.

1686
01:48:56,096 --> 01:48:59,232
No, it isn't. An argument
is a connected series of statements

1687
01:48:59,333 --> 01:49:01,434
intended to establish a proposition.

1688
01:49:01,535 --> 01:49:05,104
Look if I argue with you,
I must take up a contrary position.

1689
01:49:05,206 --> 01:49:07,574
- Yes but that's not just saying "No, it isn't."
- Yes, it is.

1690
01:49:07,675 --> 01:49:08,641
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

1691
01:49:08,742 --> 01:49:12,445
- No it isn't, no it isn't, no it isn't, no it isn't.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes it is.

1692
01:49:12,546 --> 01:49:14,547
Argument is an intellectual process.

1693
01:49:14,648 --> 01:49:17,250
Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying

1694
01:49:17,351 --> 01:49:19,152
of anything the other person says.

1695
01:49:19,253 --> 01:49:20,286
- It is not.
- It is.

1696
01:49:20,387 --> 01:49:21,688
- Not at all.
- Now look I...

1697
01:49:21,789 --> 01:49:23,623
Thank you, good morning.

1698
01:49:31,198 --> 01:49:33,633
What? What?

1699
01:49:35,336 --> 01:49:37,937
That's it. The five minutes is up.

1700
01:49:38,505 --> 01:49:39,739
That was never five minutes just now.

1701
01:49:39,840 --> 01:49:41,808
- I'm afraid it was.
- No, it wasn't.

1702
01:49:45,546 --> 01:49:47,947
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

1703
01:49:48,048 --> 01:49:49,182
This is ridiculous.

1704
01:49:49,283 --> 01:49:52,385
If you want me to go on arguing
you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

1705
01:49:52,486 --> 01:49:55,255
But that was never five minutes just now.

1706
01:49:58,425 --> 01:50:01,594
This is ridiculous. There you are.

1707
01:50:01,695 --> 01:50:05,398
- Thank you very much. Very good.
- Well?

1708
01:50:08,402 --> 01:50:09,602
What?

1709
01:50:09,703 --> 01:50:10,970
That was never five minutes just now.

1710
01:50:11,071 --> 01:50:14,107
I told you
I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.

1711
01:50:17,344 --> 01:50:19,178
- I just paid.
- No, you didn't.

1712
01:50:19,280 --> 01:50:22,048
- I did. I did. I did. I did.
- You did not. You did not.

1713
01:50:22,149 --> 01:50:25,551
- I did. I did. I did. I did.
- You did not. You did not.

1714
01:50:25,653 --> 01:50:27,086
Look I don't want to argue about that.

1715
01:50:27,187 --> 01:50:28,421
Well, I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.

1716
01:50:30,124 --> 01:50:34,093
If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you.

1717
01:50:36,463 --> 01:50:38,798
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.

1718
01:50:40,167 --> 01:50:42,902
- If you're arguing I must have paid.
- Not necessarily.

1719
01:50:43,003 --> 01:50:45,338
I could be arguing in my spare time.

1720
01:50:48,742 --> 01:50:52,245
I've got two legs,
From my hips to the ground

1721
01:50:52,346 --> 01:50:55,548
And when I move them
They walk around

1722
01:50:55,649 --> 01:50:58,851
And when I lift 'em
They climb the stairs

1723
01:50:58,952 --> 01:51:02,121
And whoo! When I shave 'em
They ain't got hairs!

1724
01:51:02,222 --> 01:51:04,357
I've got two legs with my feet...

1725
01:52:19,500 --> 01:52:21,701
- Good morning.
- Morning.

1726
01:52:21,802 --> 01:52:23,035
What have you got then?

1727
01:52:23,137 --> 01:52:26,472
Well there's egg and Spam,

1728
01:52:26,573 --> 01:52:30,910
egg, bacon and Spam.
Egg, bacon, sausage and Spam.

1729
01:52:31,011 --> 01:52:33,413
Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam.

1730
01:52:33,514 --> 01:52:37,083
Spam egg. Spam, Spam, bacon and Spam.

1731
01:52:37,184 --> 01:52:40,353
Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam.

1732
01:52:40,454 --> 01:52:45,725
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans,
Spam, Spam, and Spam.

1733
01:52:45,826 --> 01:52:49,695
Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes
with a mornay sauce

1734
01:52:49,797 --> 01:52:54,834
garnished with truffle paté, brandy
and a fried egg on top, and Spam.

1735
01:52:56,470 --> 01:52:59,238
Have you got anything without Spam in it?

1736
01:52:59,339 --> 01:53:03,743
Well there's Spam, egg, sausage and Spam.
That's not got much Spam in it.

1737
01:53:03,844 --> 01:53:05,411
I don't want any Spam.

1738
01:53:06,046 --> 01:53:09,015
Why can't she have
egg, bacon, Spam and sausage?

1739
01:53:09,116 --> 01:53:10,583
That's got Spam in it.

1740
01:53:10,684 --> 01:53:13,519
Yeah, but not as much as
Spam, egg, bacon, Spam and sausage.

1741
01:53:13,620 --> 01:53:18,391
Look. Can I just have egg, bacon, Spam
and sausage, without the Spam?

1742
01:53:20,594 --> 01:53:22,428
What do you mean...

1743
01:53:22,529 --> 01:53:26,566
You can't have egg, bacon, Spam
and sausage without the Spam.

1744
01:53:26,633 --> 01:53:27,667
Why not?

1745
01:53:27,768 --> 01:53:31,003
Well it wouldn't be
egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, would it?

1746
01:53:31,104 --> 01:53:32,705
I don't like Spam.

1747
01:53:32,806 --> 01:53:37,043
Don't make a fuss, dear.
I'll have your Spam, I love it.

1748
01:53:37,144 --> 01:53:42,215
I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam and Spam.

1749
01:53:42,316 --> 01:53:44,116
Baked beans are off.

1750
01:53:45,786 --> 01:53:47,487
Well can I have Spam instead?

1751
01:53:47,588 --> 01:53:51,757
You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...

1752
01:53:51,859 --> 01:53:53,693
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1753
01:53:53,794 --> 01:53:55,561
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1754
01:53:55,662 --> 01:53:57,430
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1755
01:53:57,531 --> 01:53:59,165
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1756
01:53:59,266 --> 01:54:01,467
Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

1757
01:54:01,568 --> 01:54:02,735
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1758
01:54:02,803 --> 01:54:03,769
Shut up!

1759
01:54:03,871 --> 01:54:05,505
Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

1760
01:54:05,572 --> 01:54:06,572
Shut up!

1761
01:54:06,673 --> 01:54:08,241
Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

1762
01:54:08,308 --> 01:54:10,176
Shut up!

1763
01:54:10,277 --> 01:54:11,744
Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

1764
01:54:11,812 --> 01:54:13,212
Shut up!

1765
01:54:13,313 --> 01:54:14,480
Bloody Vikings!

1766
01:54:14,548 --> 01:54:15,681
Racist bastard.

1767
01:54:17,618 --> 01:54:21,187
Finland, Finland, Finland

1768
01:54:21,288 --> 01:54:23,656
The country where I quite want to be

1769
01:54:23,757 --> 01:54:27,426
Pony trekking or camping

1770
01:54:27,528 --> 01:54:30,796
Or just watching TV

1771
01:54:31,265 --> 01:54:35,301
Finland, Finland, Finland

1772
01:54:35,402 --> 01:54:38,771
That's the country for me

1773
01:54:39,006 --> 01:54:40,940
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1774
01:54:41,041 --> 01:54:42,842
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1775
01:54:42,943 --> 01:54:44,810
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1776
01:54:44,912 --> 01:54:46,345
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!

1777
01:54:46,413 --> 01:54:49,682
Oh, Spam

1778
01:54:49,783 --> 01:54:53,085
Lovely Spam!

1779
01:54:53,186 --> 01:54:57,123
Lovely Spam!

1780
01:54:57,224 --> 01:55:02,495
Oh, lovely Spam!

1781
01:55:02,596 --> 01:55:06,465
Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

1782
01:55:06,567 --> 01:55:10,436
Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

1783
01:55:10,537 --> 01:55:14,307
Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

1784
01:55:14,408 --> 01:55:20,580
Lovely spam! Wonderful spam...

1785
01:55:24,184 --> 01:55:26,018
Lovely Spam!

1786
01:55:26,119 --> 01:55:27,887
Lovely Spam!

1787
01:55:27,988 --> 01:55:30,823
Lovely Spam!

1788
01:55:30,924 --> 01:55:33,993
Spam! Spam! Spam!

1789
01:55:34,094 --> 01:55:36,929
I wish to register a complaint.

1790
01:55:46,406 --> 01:55:47,840
Hello, miss.

1791
01:55:49,543 --> 01:55:50,943
What do you mean, miss?

1792
01:55:52,212 --> 01:55:53,879
Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.

1793
01:55:55,082 --> 01:55:56,616
I wish to make a complaint...

1794
01:55:56,717 --> 01:55:57,683
Sorry we're closed for lunch.

1795
01:55:57,784 --> 01:56:00,486
Never mind that...
I wish to complain about this parrot

1796
01:56:00,587 --> 01:56:04,123
what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.

1797
01:56:04,224 --> 01:56:06,659
Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue?

1798
01:56:07,894 --> 01:56:08,861
What's wrong with it?

1799
01:56:08,962 --> 01:56:10,663
I tell you what's wrong with it.

1800
01:56:11,331 --> 01:56:13,766
It's dead! That's what's wrong with it.

1801
01:56:14,101 --> 01:56:16,335
No, no. He's resting.

1802
01:56:16,403 --> 01:56:17,870
Look my lad,

1803
01:56:17,971 --> 01:56:19,739
I know a dead parrot when I see one.

1804
01:56:19,840 --> 01:56:22,041
And I'm looking at one right now.

1805
01:56:22,142 --> 01:56:23,175
No, no, he's resting.

1806
01:56:23,276 --> 01:56:24,944
Remarkable bird,
the Norwegian Blue, isn't it?

1807
01:56:25,045 --> 01:56:26,078
Beautiful plumage.

1808
01:56:26,179 --> 01:56:28,347
The plumage don't enter into it.

1809
01:56:28,448 --> 01:56:29,915
He's stone dead.

1810
01:56:30,517 --> 01:56:31,584
No, no.

1811
01:56:32,219 --> 01:56:33,185
He's resting.

1812
01:56:33,286 --> 01:56:35,855
All right then, if he's resting,
I'll wake him up.

1813
01:56:35,956 --> 01:56:39,025
Hello, Mr Polly Parrot,
I've got a lovely fresh...

1814
01:56:39,126 --> 01:56:40,092
There, he moved.

1815
01:56:40,193 --> 01:56:42,128
No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage.

1816
01:56:42,195 --> 01:56:43,162
I never.

1817
01:56:43,764 --> 01:56:45,498
Hello, Polly!

1818
01:56:48,402 --> 01:56:51,103
This is your 9:00 o'clock alarm call.

1819
01:56:55,575 --> 01:56:57,810
Wakey! Wakey!

1820
01:57:21,034 --> 01:57:22,401
Where were we?

1821
01:57:22,502 --> 01:57:24,437
You say...
"And now that's what I call a dead parrot."

1822
01:57:24,538 --> 01:57:26,539
Now that's what I call a dead parrot!

1823
01:57:30,077 --> 01:57:31,544
No, no.

1824
01:57:37,050 --> 01:57:40,019
"No, no" I say. It's stunned!

1825
01:57:40,087 --> 01:57:41,187
Stunned?

1826
01:57:41,288 --> 01:57:42,655
Yeah, stunned!

1827
01:57:42,756 --> 01:57:45,624
You stunned it just as it was waking up,
Norwegian Blues stun easily.

1828
01:57:45,726 --> 01:57:47,993
Listen, my lad, I've...

1829
01:57:49,663 --> 01:57:51,297
I've had enough of this.

1830
01:57:51,398 --> 01:57:53,365
That parrot is definitely deceased.

1831
01:57:53,467 --> 01:57:55,367
And when I purchased it,
not half an hour ago,

1832
01:57:55,469 --> 01:57:58,604
you assured me
that its total lack of movement

1833
01:57:58,705 --> 01:58:04,009
was due to it being tired and shagged out
following a prolonged squawk.

1834
01:58:05,879 --> 01:58:10,116
Well, he's probably pining for the fjords.

1835
01:58:12,886 --> 01:58:14,420
Pining for the fjords?

1836
01:58:14,521 --> 01:58:15,888
What kind of talk is that?

1837
01:58:15,989 --> 01:58:19,125
Look, why did he fall flat on his back
the moment I got him home?

1838
01:58:19,226 --> 01:58:22,128
The Norwegian Blue
prefers kipping on his back.

1839
01:58:22,229 --> 01:58:24,263
Remarkable bird, isn't it? Beautiful plumage.

1840
01:58:24,364 --> 01:58:27,700
Look matey, I took the liberty of examining
that bird when I got it home

1841
01:58:27,801 --> 01:58:31,704
and I discovered the only reason it had been
sitting on its perch in the first place

1842
01:58:31,805 --> 01:58:34,406
was that it had been nailed there.

1843
01:58:36,877 --> 01:58:39,745
Well, of course it were nailed there!
If I hadn't nailed that bird down,

1844
01:58:39,846 --> 01:58:41,380
it would have muscled up to those bars,

1845
01:58:41,481 --> 01:58:44,283
ripped them apart
with its immensely strong beak...

1846
01:58:44,618 --> 01:58:45,618
and voom.

1847
01:58:45,719 --> 01:58:46,752
- Voom?
- Voom.

1848
01:58:46,853 --> 01:58:51,423
Matey, this parrot wouldn't voom
if you put 40,000 volts through it.

1849
01:58:51,525 --> 01:58:54,093
It's bleeding demised!

1850
01:58:54,728 --> 01:58:55,761
No.

1851
01:58:55,929 --> 01:58:57,263
No, no, he's...

1852
01:58:57,831 --> 01:58:58,798
He's pining...

1853
01:58:58,899 --> 01:59:01,600
He's not pining!

1854
01:59:01,701 --> 01:59:03,135
He's passed on.

1855
01:59:03,236 --> 01:59:06,639
This parrot is no more.

1856
01:59:07,340 --> 01:59:09,675
He has ceased to be.

1857
01:59:09,776 --> 01:59:13,279
He has expired
and gone to meet Doctor Chapman.

1858
01:59:13,780 --> 01:59:15,047
This...

1859
01:59:23,323 --> 01:59:28,394
This is a late parrot... It's a stiff, bereft of life.

1860
01:59:28,495 --> 01:59:30,563
It rests in peace.

1861
01:59:30,664 --> 01:59:34,667
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
it would be pushing up the daisies.

1862
01:59:34,768 --> 01:59:39,271
It's run down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible.

1863
01:59:39,372 --> 01:59:41,941
It has breathed its last.

1864
01:59:42,042 --> 01:59:47,746
Its metabolic processes
are a matter of interest only to Victorians.

1865
01:59:47,848 --> 01:59:50,950
He has... He has kicked the bucket.

1866
01:59:51,051 --> 01:59:53,652
This is an ex-parrot.

1867
02:00:05,265 --> 02:00:07,132
Well I'd better replace it, then.

1868
02:00:08,802 --> 02:00:11,637
I was listening to the wireless this morning...

1869
02:00:11,738 --> 02:00:14,106
Very interesting, apparently,

1870
02:00:14,207 --> 02:00:19,912
the editor of the Daily Mail, Mr Paul Dacre
has just received an arsehole transplant.

1871
02:00:22,916 --> 02:00:23,916
Yeah.

1872
02:00:25,118 --> 02:00:26,518
I heard that...

1873
02:00:26,620 --> 02:00:29,321
I heard that too.
The arsehole rejected him, I hear.

1874
02:00:29,756 --> 02:00:31,090
- Oh really?
- Yeah.

1875
02:00:32,125 --> 02:00:34,860
I've been round the back, I've had a look...

1876
02:00:34,961 --> 02:00:36,662
we're right out of parrots.

1877
02:00:36,763 --> 02:00:38,197
I see, I see, I get the picture...

1878
02:00:38,265 --> 02:00:39,765
But...

1879
02:00:40,166 --> 02:00:43,302
I have got a selection of cheeses.

1880
02:00:45,505 --> 02:00:46,672
Amazingly enough.

1881
02:00:46,773 --> 02:00:48,274
A selection of cheeses?

1882
02:00:48,375 --> 02:00:49,441
- Yeah.
- Really?

1883
02:00:49,542 --> 02:00:50,643
What you have got?

1884
02:00:50,744 --> 02:00:51,877
You name it, I've got it.

1885
02:00:51,945 --> 02:00:52,945
Brie?

1886
02:00:53,380 --> 02:00:54,380
No.

1887
02:00:55,315 --> 02:00:56,649
- Camembert?
- No.

1888
02:00:56,750 --> 02:00:58,484
- Bresse bleu?
- No.

1889
02:00:58,551 --> 02:00:59,618
Stilton?

1890
02:01:02,722 --> 02:01:03,689
No.

1891
02:01:03,790 --> 02:01:05,758
- Lancashire cheese?
- No

1892
02:01:05,859 --> 02:01:08,327
- Red Leicester?
- No.

1893
02:01:08,428 --> 02:01:09,795
- Double Gloucester?
- No.

1894
02:01:10,830 --> 02:01:12,431
Stinking Bishop?

1895
02:01:14,234 --> 02:01:15,601
Don't you call me names.

1896
02:01:15,969 --> 02:01:19,138
It's the name of a well-known
West Country cheese, you should know that,

1897
02:01:19,239 --> 02:01:20,439
you run a pet shop.

1898
02:01:22,208 --> 02:01:23,976
Caerphilly?

1899
02:01:24,044 --> 02:01:25,010
No.

1900
02:01:25,111 --> 02:01:26,679
You don't have any Caerphilly?

1901
02:01:26,746 --> 02:01:27,780
No.

1902
02:01:27,881 --> 02:01:29,381
- Wensleydale?
- Yeah.

1903
02:01:37,190 --> 02:01:39,458
Well, I'll have
a pound of Wensleydale cheese, please.

1904
02:01:39,559 --> 02:01:41,794
Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

1905
02:01:41,895 --> 02:01:44,430
That's my name, Arthur Wensleydale.

1906
02:01:49,669 --> 02:01:50,669
- Gruyère?
- No.

1907
02:01:50,770 --> 02:01:52,071
- Emmental?
- No

1908
02:01:52,172 --> 02:01:54,306
- Jarlsberg?
- No.

1909
02:01:54,941 --> 02:01:57,977
Armenian String Cheese with cumin seeds?

1910
02:02:00,680 --> 02:02:02,748
Not much call for it round here, squire.

1911
02:02:03,383 --> 02:02:06,085
Zimbabwean rhinoceros milk cheese?

1912
02:02:08,154 --> 02:02:09,355
Cat's eaten it.

1913
02:02:11,591 --> 02:02:12,891
- Tell you what.
- What?

1914
02:02:15,195 --> 02:02:17,096
You haven't asked me about Cheddar.

1915
02:02:18,398 --> 02:02:20,399
- Cheddar?
- Yeah, Cheddar.

1916
02:02:20,467 --> 02:02:21,834
You know...

1917
02:02:25,572 --> 02:02:26,605
Is it worth it?

1918
02:02:28,908 --> 02:02:30,743
- Could be.
- All right, I'm game.

1919
02:02:31,678 --> 02:02:35,714
Do you have... Honestly expecting
the answer "No," any Cheddar?

1920
02:02:35,782 --> 02:02:36,782
No.

1921
02:02:46,960 --> 02:02:48,827
Do you want to come back to my place?

1922
02:02:48,928 --> 02:02:50,562
I thought he'd never ask.

1923
02:03:37,811 --> 02:03:39,511
Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

1924
02:03:46,219 --> 02:03:48,053
Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

1925
02:03:57,263 --> 02:03:58,630
Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

1926
02:03:58,731 --> 02:04:02,434
Wait a minute, buckaroos,
this has gone far enough.

1927
02:04:04,204 --> 02:04:06,105
No, no, no.

1928
02:04:06,206 --> 02:04:08,774
Get it away. Get it away.

1929
02:04:08,842 --> 02:04:10,042
Get it away.

1930
02:04:26,259 --> 02:04:26,358
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

1931
02:04:26,359 --> 02:04:28,093
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

1932
02:04:28,194 --> 02:04:32,598
it's truly a real honourable experience
to be here this evening.

1933
02:04:32,699 --> 02:04:37,836
A very wonderful and warm
and emotional moment for all of us

1934
02:04:37,937 --> 02:04:43,509
and I'd like to sing a song for all of you.

1935
02:04:47,113 --> 02:04:50,782
It's Christmas in Heaven

1936
02:04:50,884 --> 02:04:54,219
All the children sing

1937
02:04:54,320 --> 02:04:57,055
It's Christmas in Heaven

1938
02:04:57,157 --> 02:05:01,226
Hark, hark, those church bells ring

1939
02:05:01,327 --> 02:05:04,363
It's Christmas in Heaven

1940
02:05:04,464 --> 02:05:08,267
The snow falls from the sky

1941
02:05:08,368 --> 02:05:11,470
But it's nice and warm, and everyone

1942
02:05:11,571 --> 02:05:14,873
Looks smart and wears a tie

1943
02:05:20,446 --> 02:05:24,016
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

1944
02:05:24,117 --> 02:05:26,618
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

1945
02:05:26,719 --> 02:05:30,155
Every single day

1946
02:05:30,256 --> 02:05:33,592
Is Christmas day

1947
02:05:34,260 --> 02:05:37,729
It's Christmas in Heaven

1948
02:05:37,830 --> 02:05:40,666
So welcome everyone

1949
02:05:41,701 --> 02:05:44,937
Every day is just the same

1950
02:05:45,038 --> 02:05:48,006
There's tons and tons of fun

1951
02:05:48,107 --> 02:05:51,476
It's Christmas in Heaven

1952
02:05:51,578 --> 02:05:55,414
You've won life's lottery

1953
02:05:55,515 --> 02:05:57,983
For heaven's just like Vegas

1954
02:05:58,084 --> 02:06:02,387
And it's absolutely free

1955
02:06:02,488 --> 02:06:06,158
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

1956
02:06:06,259 --> 02:06:08,827
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

1957
02:06:08,928 --> 02:06:12,464
Every single day

1958
02:06:12,565 --> 02:06:15,234
Is Christmas day

1959
02:06:16,703 --> 02:06:20,505
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

1960
02:06:20,607 --> 02:06:23,208
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

1961
02:06:23,309 --> 02:06:26,845
Every single day

1962
02:06:26,946 --> 02:06:29,815
Is Christmas day

1963
02:06:29,916 --> 02:06:31,316
Round number two!

1964
02:06:31,417 --> 02:06:34,920
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

1965
02:06:35,021 --> 02:06:37,789
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

1966
02:06:37,890 --> 02:06:41,260
Every single day

1967
02:06:41,361 --> 02:06:44,196
Is Christmas day

1968
02:06:45,832 --> 02:06:49,635
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven

1969
02:06:49,736 --> 02:06:52,437
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray

1970
02:06:52,538 --> 02:06:57,209
Every single day

1971
02:06:57,310 --> 02:07:03,515
Is Christmas day

1972
02:09:00,199 --> 02:09:03,268
Ladies and gentlemen,

1973
02:09:03,369 --> 02:09:06,938
tonight this show
is going live all round the world,

1974
02:09:07,039 --> 02:09:08,907
amazingly enough.

1975
02:09:11,677 --> 02:09:14,880
Including North America, South America,

1976
02:09:14,981 --> 02:09:16,748
Europe, Africa,

1977
02:09:16,849 --> 02:09:19,418
The Middle East, Asia and Australia.

1978
02:09:22,255 --> 02:09:25,223
On TV and film, so wherever you're watching,

1979
02:09:25,324 --> 02:09:29,394
would you please all join us,
all the way around the world,

1980
02:09:29,495 --> 02:09:33,131
in saying farewell to us
by singing this little ditty.

1981
02:09:38,638 --> 02:09:40,806
Some things in life are bad

1982
02:09:40,907 --> 02:09:43,542
They can really make you mad

1983
02:09:43,643 --> 02:09:47,145
Other things just make you swear and curse

1984
02:09:47,246 --> 02:09:49,881
When you're chewing on life's gristle

1985
02:09:49,982 --> 02:09:52,784
Don't grumble, give a whistle

1986
02:09:52,885 --> 02:09:57,556
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

1987
02:09:57,623 --> 02:09:59,357
And...

1988
02:09:59,459 --> 02:10:04,563
Always look on the bright side of life

1989
02:10:06,732 --> 02:10:07,699
Come on!

1990
02:10:07,800 --> 02:10:12,404
Always look on the bright side of life

1991
02:10:15,875 --> 02:10:17,909
If life seems jolly rotten

1992
02:10:18,010 --> 02:10:19,945
There's something you've forgotten

1993
02:10:20,046 --> 02:10:23,849
And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing

1994
02:10:23,950 --> 02:10:26,017
When you're feeling in the dumps

1995
02:10:26,118 --> 02:10:28,286
Don't be silly chumps

1996
02:10:28,387 --> 02:10:31,690
Just purse your lips and whistle
That's the thing

1997
02:10:31,791 --> 02:10:37,596
And always look on the bright side of life

1998
02:10:41,000 --> 02:10:45,904
Always look on the bright side of life

1999
02:10:49,308 --> 02:10:51,276
For life is quite absurd

2000
02:10:51,377 --> 02:10:53,411
And death's the final word

2001
02:10:53,513 --> 02:10:57,449
You must always face the curtain with a bow

2002
02:10:57,550 --> 02:11:01,520
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin

2003
02:11:01,621 --> 02:11:05,090
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow

2004
02:11:05,191 --> 02:11:10,829
So always look on the bright side of death

2005
02:11:14,300 --> 02:11:19,170
Just before you draw
your terminal breath

2006
02:11:22,575 --> 02:11:26,378
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it

2007
02:11:26,479 --> 02:11:30,749
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true

2008
02:11:30,850 --> 02:11:34,553
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughin as you go

2009
02:11:34,654 --> 02:11:38,423
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

2010
02:11:38,524 --> 02:11:43,862
And...
Always look on the bright side of life

2011
02:11:47,166 --> 02:11:52,337
Always look on the bright side of life

2012
02:11:53,472 --> 02:11:55,206
Key change, here we go!

2013
02:11:55,708 --> 02:12:00,211
Always look on the bright side of life

2014
02:12:03,849 --> 02:12:08,653
Always look on the bright side of life

2015
02:12:12,091 --> 02:12:17,228
Always look on the bright side of life

2016
02:12:20,333 --> 02:12:25,470
Always look on the bright side of life

2017
02:12:28,641 --> 02:12:33,778
Always look on the bright side of life

2018
02:12:33,846 --> 02:12:34,846
Yeah!

2019
02:12:36,882 --> 02:12:41,653
Always look on the bright side of life

2020
02:12:44,991 --> 02:12:51,830
Always look on the bright side of life

2021
02:14:03,002 --> 02:14:05,203
Carol! Hey

2022
02:14:12,611 --> 02:14:14,446
Thank you!

2023
02:14:17,917 --> 02:14:20,051
Thank you! Thank you!

2024
02:14:20,119 --> 02:14:21,820
Thank you!