1 00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:08,640 This programme contains adult humour and very strong language. 2 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,166 Shalam. 3 00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:27,191 Hi, my name is Jesus. 4 00:00:27,216 --> 00:00:29,216 Most of what you're gone see never happened. 5 00:00:32,941 --> 00:00:34,941 Most part is invented... 6 00:00:37,266 --> 00:00:39,266 ...just like the Bible. 7 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,507 That's a bit controversial, isn't it? 8 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:46,923 (HE FARTS LOUDLY) 9 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:52,032 Holy (BLEEP) Circus. 10 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:59,384 MUSIC: Theme from Monty Python's Flying Circus: "The Liberty Bell" by JP Sousa 11 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:49,160 HEAVENLY CHOIR: ♪ Amen. ♪ 12 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,239 I'll sit over here. 13 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,639 Hello, Graham. Johnny. 14 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,219 Barry. 15 00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:01,559 - So what did you think? - Of the rough cut? 16 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,899 Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. 17 00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:06,719 Loved it. I think it might be the best thing we've done. Oh, easily. 18 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,519 By miles. Now I've spoken to Chris who's head of North America 19 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,879 and we'd like to open it first in the States. 20 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:19,519 Aw Terrific. Really terrific. So what's the thinking? 21 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,639 The First Amendment guarantees the right to freedom of speech. 22 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:27,599 Plus it's a melting pot, there's all kinds of different religions out there. And it's Hollywood. 23 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,879 And Chris reckons you're ready to play with the big boys now. 24 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,399 Jolly good. 25 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,159 I love Americans. 26 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:38,679 Here in New York City Monty Python's Life of Brian had its world premiere 27 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,959 and Americans have come from far and wide to see it. 28 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,759 Not to watch the film, but to protest against it. 29 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,759 I'm going to ask them why. 30 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,079 This film is disgusting. Enough with the stereotypes. 31 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,919 It's not funny. How is this funny? 32 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,359 Life Of Brian is an evil film. 33 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,039 And Monty Python is an evil man. 34 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,199 I would like to say it's morally repugnant. 35 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,279 And also, kill the blacks. 36 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,839 I agree with him. 37 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:04,808 Except the bit about killing black people. Obviously, that's not cool. 38 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,919 That went well. 39 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,759 I knew it. Americans. Total idiots. 40 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,839 Waste of space. Wasn't all bad. 41 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,279 I got this lovely jacket. 42 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:21,479 Yes. Very nice. We won't have the same problems here though, right? 43 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,239 Protests? Here? Oh, no, I wouldn't think so no. 44 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:28,639 Because the Great British Public, they aren't quick to judge or completely close-minded? 45 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,999 Oh, no, sorry. They ARE quick to judge 46 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:35,039 and massively closed-minded. Not the queers. Apart from the queers. 47 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:40,799 Right, here are the press cuttings and early box office breakdowns. 48 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,319 Listen to this. This is from Variety. 49 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:48,119 Rabbi Hecht says the film, quote, 'could result in violence'. Oh, yes. 50 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,719 Copycat crucifixions. I hadn't thought of that. 51 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,399 That is a worry, isn't it? Cretin. 52 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:58,119 I mean, they've been out of favour for two thousand years but suddenly all the kids will be doing it. 53 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,879 "Hey, Johnny, want to come out for a kick-about?" 54 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:04,199 "No, no, no. Me and Gary thought we'd nail his brother to a tree." 55 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:09,159 I think the Rabbi meant violent protest. As in violence against us. 56 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,799 Right. Well, that wasn't clear. 57 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,479 It sort of was. Wasn't. 58 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,719 Was. Wasn't. Really was. Really wasn't. 59 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,919 He goes on to say the movie was produced in Hell. 60 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,152 Oh, I love that. 61 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:29,759 Could we have a scene where we show some Christians killing some babies? 62 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,279 Oh, yeah, funny. That is funny. I like that. 63 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,499 Jesus having sex with Judas? Good. Offensive. Put that in. 64 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:39,279 Maybe a scene where Jesus is on the cross and gets quite turned on 65 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,039 and ejaculates over everyone? 66 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,679 Oh, that is sick. That's... you've gone way too far. 67 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,152 That crosses a fucking line. 68 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,245 Oh, crap! 69 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,999 So, while you're all in the same room, gents, 70 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:04,759 I just need you to sign these release forms for distribution in France. 71 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,199 Oh, so we're getting released in France? Yeah. 72 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,479 Have you seen French films? It's all picnics and incest. 73 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,199 You can't shock that lot. 74 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,199 And what about here? 75 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,159 There's no need to worry. 76 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,559 Well, I wasn't going to worry 77 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,839 but now you've said there's no need to worry I'm thinking I might worry. 78 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,399 You're not getting cold feet, are you, Barry? 79 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,079 No, course not. 80 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:31,599 All I'm saying is, you know, let's not project it on to the side of Westminster Abbey 81 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,973 or start selling Life of Brian Christmas crackers. 82 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:40,949 Have you seen Monty Python's Life of Brian Christmas crackers? 83 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,879 Knock knock. Who's there? No-one. 84 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:47,559 We're all alone in a godless universe. 85 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,578 ALL LAUGH 86 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,719 Monty Python's Life of Brian Christmas crackers. 87 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,799 Fun for all the family. As long as you're not Christian, easily offended or expecting good jokes. 88 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,536 Hee-hee-hee-hee! 89 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:33,039 So... 90 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,079 it's all going OK here so far? 91 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,719 Yes, there's been the odd article, nothing too bad. 92 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,605 Mind you, we haven't opened yet. 93 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,679 If it wasn't going well, 94 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,479 if things got bad... 95 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,559 would you be OK? 96 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:56,560 Even if all the religious leaders in the world denounce you, I'll be there for you. Thank you. 97 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:02,919 Until we die. When I'll go to heaven and you'll be in hell. 98 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:06,359 That's nice. Oh, I'm joking! 99 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,479 It's a joke. It's not a very funny joke. 100 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,811 Terry would have found it funny. 101 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,760 Terry's got a terrific sense of humour. 102 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,882 Can I have a cuddle? Oh, of course you can. 103 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,079 Oh, God, gently love! 104 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,502 Sorry... (HIGH-PITCHED) Sorry! 105 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,479 I just came from Wildlife... Shall we begin? 106 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:45,704 Right! Listen up. I'm in charge. 107 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,359 This is the office for Friday Night, Saturday Morning? 108 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,279 Yes. Good. Well, listen up. 109 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,839 I know you were all expecting to be working with Trevor 110 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,599 and I'm sure you were terribly saddened by his sudden death 111 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,479 but I'm in charge now and he's history. Moving on. 112 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,339 Point two. That was point one. 113 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:04,919 Point two. I don't care what you think you were doing before. 114 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,759 You're not doing that now. You, what did you think you were doing? 115 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,239 A chat show? Wrong! 116 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,959 Chat shows are bullshit. 117 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,999 I don't want to make a chat show. 118 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:18,679 People chatting? Uh-uh. Boring. People talking? Now you're talking. 119 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:23,199 I'm not sure I follow. I want this show to be about where Britain's at today. 120 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,399 The Sixties were all free love, anything goes. 121 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:30,299 The Seventies were No Sex Please, We're British and everything's a downer. 122 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:32,079 But we're about to head in to a new decade. 123 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:36,479 What will the Britain of the future be like? Will it be prim? 124 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,519 Or full of quim? Oh, dear God. You, bring me a chair. 125 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:45,520 So, how are you going to do all that on what will essentially be something quite like a chat show? OK. 126 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,131 Random example. 127 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,359 We have a homeless guy. What? 128 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:56,079 Hear me out, big man. We have a homeless guy on the same show as the Queen. 129 00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:01,719 Oh, right... Really? No, it's just an example. I'm showing you what's possible. 130 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,559 I'm reaching into your tiny mind and opening the doors of the TARDIS. 131 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:09,599 It's a police box. Whoosh! No it's not, it's Narnia. You! 132 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:13,559 I want you to build me a set that looks like I've dropped acid in Hawaii. Oh yeah. 133 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:17,079 I'm out there. It'll be like when Dylan went electric. 134 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,800 That's what's happening, so boo me, beardy, or get on board. 135 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:25,319 Sorry, who are you? Well, I'm Alan Dick. 136 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:30,039 I'm the new BBC Head of Talk. So... I'm confused. It's my first day. 137 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:35,439 Do I answer to you, or do I work for the producer, Iain Johnstone? 138 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:41,194 You answer to me. Oh. Oh. Brilliant. Isn't it? 139 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:47,443 All these 'orrible bags... I dunno. 140 00:10:58,440 --> 00:10:59,799 Oh! 141 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,159 This is a bit of script from Life of Brian. 142 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,679 This looks like it might be quite offensive. 143 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:10,680 I should pass this on to someone who might find it even more offensive. 144 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,479 All right, Desmond. The usual, is it? Yes, please, Keith. 145 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,519 And a pint of mild, thanks. 146 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,959 ARSE, BALLS, PRICK, SHIT! 147 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,688 No problem. 148 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:41,834 There's your pint of lager. Keep the change. Cheers. Grand. 149 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,959 Sam tells me you've got news on the Life of Brian. 150 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,559 Prepare to be blown away... 151 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,139 I'M NOT QUEER! 152 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,279 Where did you get hold of this? 153 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,739 A man found out it out walking his dog. You didn't steal it did you? 154 00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:07,379 No. A man really did find it while out walking his dog. WANKER! 155 00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:09,959 Is it real? I DID IT WITH STENCILS! 156 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:14,399 I didn't. I've got a friend who is a comedy writer and a committed Christian. 157 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:19,079 Really? It's odd, isn't it? Anyway I'll show him this and if he can verify it's 100% genuine 158 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,858 we can get the ball rolling. BALLS! 159 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,439 Sorry. 160 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:29,159 Well, I suppose congratulations are in order. Well done, Desmond. Cheers. 161 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,136 SCROTUMS! Cheers! BANJO FUCKER! 162 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,819 The bad language. Is it, is it... are you...? 163 00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:38,519 The doctor suggested seeing a therapist. 164 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,119 A bit American, isn't it? 165 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:44,039 YANK ME! It is a bit. Of course, the irony is a few hundred years ago 166 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:50,040 someone like me would probably have someone like you burnt at the stake for being possessed by demons. 167 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,599 That's not very nice. 168 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,138 BELL-END! 169 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,199 What about this? 170 00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,799 We get Harold Wilson. 171 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,799 Harold Wilson the former Prime Minister? 172 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,959 OK. I can work with that. Yeah. Harold Wilson. 173 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,519 And a bin man. Ask them the same question - 174 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:13,039 why is this country such a mess? But the bin men are on strike? 175 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,799 You're right. 176 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,879 Shit idea. Fuck it, bin it... it's gone, it's history. Moving on. 177 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,239 You! Any ideas? Too slow. Forget it. 178 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:24,861 Yes? I didn't say anything. 179 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,159 What about Life of Brian? 180 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,639 Did you see that news report about the US opening? Ah, yes, 181 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,519 now, good, because Iain suggested... 182 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:38,739 OK, for the UK premiere we get the Pythons versus... 183 00:13:38,740 --> 00:13:39,680 the Pope. 184 00:13:39,681 --> 00:13:41,999 The Pope? The actual Pope? 185 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,799 Try the Pope. Aim high. Start there and work your way down. 186 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,119 How about bishops? 187 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,879 Bishops. Fantastic. I love bishops. 188 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,519 I can just imagine it. 189 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:57,879 What have the Christians ever given us? Well... 190 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,439 a moral code, charity, good works, inspiration, counter-veiling, 191 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,519 an oppositional force against the evils of capitalism. 192 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,999 Yeah, apart from that, what have the Christians ever given us? 193 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,719 Christian names? Very useful. 194 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,079 Yeah, obviously Christian names. 195 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,106 Apart from that, what have the Christian ever given us? 196 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,039 Hot cross buns? Yes, I can see it now. 197 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,999 It'll be like one of their sketches. Hilarious. 198 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,879 Do you want it to be funny? Or do you want it to be a proper debate? 199 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:28,959 I want it to be a proper debate. That is also funny. And moving. 200 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:29,999 And edgy. 201 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,999 And I want it to win a BAFTA. 202 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:37,839 I see. I'm serious. This could be the greatest TV show ever made. Who else have you got for that night? 203 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,709 Paul Jones and Norris McWhirter. Maybe not. 204 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:46,514 So who's heard about Sue Lawley? 205 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:53,039 Now you've had a letter off the BBC asking if you want go on Friday Night, Saturday Morning 206 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:59,040 to do a debate on Brian with some religious types. Is there any money in it? No. Oh. 207 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,239 I don't want to do anything for the BBC any more. 208 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:07,519 I got so bored and fed up on Flying Circus of them wanting us to rework our scripts. 209 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,319 Telling us we could only have three shits or a bugger. 210 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,999 Ridiculous rule. 211 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,719 Who came up with that, anyway? 212 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,279 That was the BBC's Head of Rude Words. 213 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,239 Lovely chap. 214 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,519 Used to get terribly embarrassed though. 215 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:26,520 So, this is the list of words the sample group said they found the most offensive. 216 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,839 Cunt. 217 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,973 So sorry. 218 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,639 Motherfucker. Is that two words? 219 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,399 I think it's just the one. Right. 220 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,199 Then comes 'fuck'. 221 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,839 Good old fuck. 222 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,199 Ahem. No? Sorry. 223 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:51,424 Moving on. Cocksucker. 224 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,039 Shit. We are now over the worst. 225 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,759 Bastard. 226 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,599 Tits. 227 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:02,279 Winky woo. Maybe you could just give me the list? Good idea. 228 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,359 I could have done that in the first place. Saved this whole... 229 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,691 scene. 230 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:13,399 So do we have a decision on the show? What do you think? Fine by me. I'm happy to plug the film. 231 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,359 No. Absolutely not. I forbid it. 232 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,839 Why? Because. Because what? 233 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,479 No. Do you want to elaborate on that position? 234 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:26,119 We don't need to explain ourselves. It's all in the film. 235 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,479 I've got to tell them something, I know you've got to do 236 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,039 your little vote thing so shall we just skip to that? 237 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:37,040 All those in favour of boycotting say, "Fuck Auntie Beeb!". F... 238 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,759 Right. 239 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:44,119 We're all on Mike's side, are we? ALL: Yes. Why? 240 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,439 Because he is The Nicest Man In The World? 241 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,439 Pretty much. Yup. 242 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,919 Do you want to change your mind, John? No. All right, so you're not unanimous, are you? 243 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,039 No. 244 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,079 And we have to be unanimous. Thus, I win. 245 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:02,502 Does that make you happy, love? No. 246 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,359 OK, I've had it verified. 247 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:10,679 It's as real as the Turin Shroud. That is b-b-b-b... 248 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:14,679 BOLLOCKS! Brilliant? Yes, I know! 249 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:18,999 And if this is the route that Python are taking, then who knows 250 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,759 what else could be in the film? TITS! 251 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,479 Probably. Now. I've given it some thought. 252 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,159 And what we don't want is to give them free publicity 253 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,919 or turn them into martyrs. So I'm suggesting a back-door approach. 254 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,319 GAYLORD! W-w-w-w-w... 255 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,599 What's the plan? Well, we lobby the BBFC and urge them 256 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,359 to think of the consequences of allowing the film to be shown. 257 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,839 Oh, you know w-w-what else we could do? 258 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:49,359 W-W-W-We could ask people to pray, 259 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:53,439 You know, just let God sort it out. 260 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,559 Yes. Could do. 261 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,759 Let's not rely on that though. 262 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:03,760 OK, everyone. Let's get out there and spread the word. MARMITE! 263 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,759 They turn the crucifixion into a song-and-dance number. 264 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,119 They ridicule the Sermon on the Mount. You see Jesus's willy. 265 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:21,479 Apparently, if you watch the film backwards it implies 266 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:25,199 Jesus made the healthy sick and went round blinding people. 267 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,559 I heard they burn a puppy in the belly of a giant wicker kitten. 268 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:30,639 Why? Exactly. 269 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,574 That's fucked up. 270 00:18:35,399 --> 00:18:38,399 Aparently there's a scene with two Tharlons who will take down a ship. 271 00:18:38,824 --> 00:18:40,624 That's so rassistic. 272 00:18:40,749 --> 00:18:43,049 I agree. Megarassistic. 273 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:52,439 But what if we have over-stepped the mark? Hey, come on. 274 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:57,079 We all knew Mary Whitehouse and the Festival of Light weren't going to like it. You worry too much. 275 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,679 I can't help it. I do. Why is that? 276 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:02,279 Why do you worry about what other people think? Gee, I don't know. 277 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,519 Maybe it's because you're the Nicest Man in the World. 278 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,519 That's ridiculous. Excuse me, miss. 279 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,039 You dropped this. Thank you. 280 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,639 John just likes saying that as a dig. 281 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,839 You see? What? Morning, Bill. 282 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,879 Get yourself some lunch. 283 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,879 You're constantly doing nice things. I really don't think that's true. 284 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,179 You're also self-deprecating about it. 285 00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:24,159 I'm no more self-deprecating than the next man. 286 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,799 You're even self-deprecating about being self-deprecating. 287 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,399 Oh, great! What? 288 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,879 I've trodden in some dog poop. 289 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:36,733 Oh, Terry, I'm sorry, that was probably my fault for distracting you. Have a tissue. 290 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,559 It hasn't even come out yet. Sells papers. 291 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:41,879 It's hardly fair reporting, is it? 292 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:45,319 I'm not in the business of fair reporting, I'm in the business of selling papers. 293 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,839 I notice you haven't made fun of the Muslims. 294 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,519 Why would we make fun of the Muslims? Why not? 295 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,159 Are you afraid of them? 296 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:56,279 It's 1979. No-one in this country knows anything about Islam. 297 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,519 No-one's read the Koran. Have you read the Koran? Yes. 298 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,079 Have you? No. No. 299 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:01,999 And do you know why? 300 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,879 Doesn't sell papers. Because this is a Christian country 301 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,519 with a Christian heritage. And we are brought up within a Christian framework. 302 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:13,319 OK. Imagine it's the future and there are two and a half million Muslims living in Britain. 303 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:14,879 Would you make a film about them then? 304 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,319 No! That would still only be four percent of the population. 305 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:22,639 Assuming, of course, the population had risen to, let's say, 61½ million. 306 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,359 And I would still doubt, given the general decline in standards 307 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,679 of education that your average Briton would have read the Koran. 308 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,559 That's just a cop out. No it isn't. 309 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:36,039 Christianity stands as a metaphor for all organised religions and the abuse they're open to. 310 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,799 You're just scared of reprisals. 311 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,421 Scared of reprisals? Scared of... 312 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,079 Hello. John Cleese here. Sorry to interrupt. 313 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,719 Just wanted to point out that this a fictional representation of me 314 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,341 based loosely on my Basil Fawlty persona. 315 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,759 Oh, please, Mr Fawlty! 316 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:09,199 You breaking my head! 317 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,159 In real life, I'm a lovely man. 318 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,359 Oh, a dolly, thank you, that is so nice. 319 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:18,199 So there you have it. Just to reiterate, John Cleese... 320 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,279 in real life, absolutely tremendous chap. 321 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,799 Thanks for listening. 322 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,685 KITTEN MEWS 323 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,558 Yes, I'm very well. Hang on a moment, please. 324 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,085 Miiiichaaaael! 325 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,974 Miiiichaaaael! It's your mum for you. 326 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,119 Hello, Mum! 327 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,879 "Michael, have you seen the news?" 328 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:49,479 "About all these protests?" Yes, Mum. "I'm really worried, Michael. 329 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:53,119 "I'm worried sick. I can't tell you how worried I am. 330 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:54,679 "It's so worrying." 331 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,319 DOORBELL "Oh, that's the door, I've got to go." 332 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,651 HANGS UP Bye then, Mum. 333 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,239 I want the Pythons! We've asked them already and they said no. 334 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,079 Oh, all right, so what? We just give up? 335 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,799 No. This is Friday Night, Saturday Morning. 336 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,679 I'm not here to make bland TV, I want to make something memorable. 337 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:40,719 I want people to come in to work the next day and talk about the show as they stand around the... 338 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,639 water jug. 339 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:47,439 I want a water jug moment. I'm creating water jug television. 340 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:52,279 What? What if people don't have a water jug? And the next day is a Saturday. 341 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:56,999 Most people don't work Saturdays. Shut up! I want the Pythons, 342 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,799 so get me the bloody Pythons. 343 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,359 Barbara Dixon is available. 344 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,319 The Two Ronnies don't need her this week. 345 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,959 Good. 346 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:10,959 Barbara Dixon is the closest thing this country has to a true star. And she's totty. 347 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,886 Very classy totty. 348 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:20,439 So Barry here has asked me to outline a defence if a religious group 349 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,759 tries to get the film banned for being blasphemous. 350 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,599 But before I do that... can I just say, 351 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,874 Huge fan. 352 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:37,800 Moving on, the basis of the case we would make in that eventuality is that 353 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:45,719 Brian and Jesus are two different people 354 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:51,720 and that Jesus appears as a separate character in the film. 355 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,559 So that's a robust defence, is it? 356 00:23:54,560 --> 00:24:00,279 You're confident that will work? No. It's a bit of a punt, to be honest, 357 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,239 But let's hope it works! 358 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,959 I don't want to be the man who sent the Pythons to prison! 359 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:10,239 Right. Yes. And that's it, is it? 360 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,399 Fingers crossed? Touch wood? 361 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,519 Say a prayer? Afraid so. 362 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,239 And I hate to say this... 363 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:22,839 because I am a fan... but you did sort of bring this on yourselves. 364 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:28,840 I beg your pardon? Well, the blasphemy laws remained unused for about 60 years. 365 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:36,040 But about two years ago a poem was published in Gay News... 366 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:41,719 which I believe Graham here was instrumental in setting up. 367 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:46,199 Well, I am gay. I like news. And it's very good for film reviews. 368 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:50,399 Fuck the film reviews, what was the poem about? 369 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,279 It was a poem about a Roman soldier sticking things into Jesus's 370 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:58,839 stigmata while he was on the cross and becoming aroused by that. What? 371 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:04,840 Who the fuck would write a poem about a soldier sticking his knob in a crucified man's spear wounds? 372 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,959 I've had an idea for a poem. Is it about wound fucking? 373 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:14,199 Yeah. Sounds good. I'm writing a novel about a dysfunctional family in a Northern mining town. Really? 374 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:19,879 No, I'm kidding. It's actually about a really hot guy who likes to jizz over guys in a burns unit. 375 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:24,599 Oh, my God. That sounds amazing. It's actually very moving. 376 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:28,719 Mary Whitehouse didn't like the poem. No shit. 377 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:33,399 And the upshot was she prosecuted Gay News. 378 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:38,079 And that reactivated the blasphemy laws. And you lot knew about this? 379 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,799 Oh, yes, they contributed to the Gay News fighting fund - 380 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:44,679 which is a principled stand I really admired. 381 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,799 Big fan of that. 382 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:51,759 Although, wearing my QC's hat, or wig, 383 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,839 I would say it was unhelpful. 384 00:25:54,840 --> 00:26:00,296 Or, to put it in the words of my nine-year-old grandson, 'Jo-ey!'. 385 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,239 No. 386 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,519 I thought that would be quite funny. 387 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,595 Whoa, epic fail. 388 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,239 Dear BBC, 389 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:18,240 the Joey Deacon reference in Holy Flying Circus is inexcusable. 390 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:22,639 The story is set in 1979 391 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:27,839 and Mr Deacon did not appear on Blue Peter until 1981 392 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:33,039 therefore, a nine-year-old would be unlikely to be aware of his existence 393 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:39,040 unless you're implying he was a relative or neighbour WHICH I DOUBT. 394 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:44,039 Also, the sub-Python self-referential 395 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:49,399 quasi-avant garde posturing bullshit sucks arse. 396 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:55,154 Big... hairy... nana... arse. 397 00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:57,999 Come in! 398 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:00,439 Yeah, I want a three-part series about canals. 399 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:05,319 a documentary about Scandinavian jazz and some old footage of a barge. 400 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:09,486 That's all we'll be showing for the next six months. 401 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,959 We've had a complaint. 402 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,638 Oh... oh... 403 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,279 Do you know what I like about BBC Four? 404 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,039 Nobody gives a fuck. 405 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:28,319 D'you like to dance, Lowry? 406 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,602 Dance for me, Lowry. 407 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:35,230 HEAVY HIP-HOP Come on! 408 00:28:04,980 --> 00:28:06,519 Hi, you're here about Life of Brian? 409 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,959 Yes. Yes. Barry Atkins. I'm representing the film. Andrew Thorogood. 410 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:13,199 I'm here protesting about the film. 411 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,639 Oh. This is John. Yes, I know who he is. 412 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:17,599 I'm Michael. I know who you are. 413 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,959 So. Should we duke it out right here? 414 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:27,960 I don't like conflict. Just here to register our feelings. 415 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:34,679 So, what's the damage, Jim? We're giving it a double A. 416 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:40,079 A double A?! On what grounds? In what way is that film suitable for a 14-year-old? 417 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,159 There's no sex... There are buttocks. 418 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,399 There's no violence. People are crucified. 419 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:48,839 And there's no C word. What about the B word? 420 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,399 Bastard or bugger? Blasphemy. 421 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,999 This could undermine a 14-year-old's faith in Christianity. 422 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,839 In our view, it's just a bunch of silly jokes. Very good ones, though. 423 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:00,639 Thanks very much. Good? Bloody brilliant. 424 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:04,919 I see. In that case, I shall have to take this up with a higher authority. 425 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:06,519 Who's that then, God? 426 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,999 No. The council. 427 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:12,999 Could you sign these for me? Certainly. It would be a pleasure. 428 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,399 What did he mean about the council? 429 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:16,919 The BBFC is only advisory. 430 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,739 Local councils can have the final say over what films are shown. 431 00:29:19,740 --> 00:29:22,259 And they can reclassify films if they don't like our rating. 432 00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:25,038 You're kidding? I kid you not. 433 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:32,119 Right, OK. 434 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,359 The BBFC have given it a double A. 435 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:37,639 Oh, that is a sh-sh-sh... 436 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:39,599 SHITBUCKET! 437 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,799 Sh-Shame. So, what now? 438 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:46,079 We write to local councils asking them to ban Life of Brian. 439 00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,319 ♪ DAN-DAN-DAAAN! 440 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:54,320 Or reclassify it as an X. ECZEMA! Maybe if the B-B-B-B-B-B-B... 441 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:00,679 B-B-B-B-B... 442 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:06,680 Maybe if they think it's OK, m-m-maybe it is OK. 443 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:12,279 They make fun of the Lord and you think that's OK, do you, Gareth? 444 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,219 N-n-n-n... Good. That's the end of the discussion. 445 00:30:15,220 --> 00:30:16,820 Yes, b-b-b-b... That's quite all right. 446 00:30:16,821 --> 00:30:20,193 No need to apologise. 447 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:24,832 CUNT! 448 00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:32,239 Some councils are definitely going to ask for an X certificate. 449 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:37,599 So my question to you all is this - are you happy to take an X certificate 450 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:41,799 and at least get the film seen by some people? ALL: No. 451 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:45,039 They show it with the BBFC certificate or they don't get to show it at all. 452 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:46,599 We can't give in to censorship. 453 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:51,239 So you'd rather censor yourselves? Yes. It's half logical, half silly. 454 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:55,159 Out of interest, how much revenue will we lose? Fifty percent? Maybe more. 455 00:30:55,160 --> 00:31:01,160 All those in favour of refusing the X certificate say Eric is a money-grabbing bastard. 456 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,399 ALL: Eric is a money-grabbing bastard. 457 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:08,959 Eric is a money-grabbing bastard. All right. I'll let Doug know. 458 00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:14,199 I know various churches are writing to their members to ask them to put pressure on councils for a boycott. 459 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:20,102 Let's just hope our politicians to do the right thing and don't act out of cowardly self-interest. 460 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,699 ♪ Soldiers of Christ, arise 461 00:31:41,700 --> 00:31:42,720 FRONT BOTTOM! 462 00:31:42,721 --> 00:31:46,093 ♪ And put your armour on 463 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:53,159 ♪ ..His eternal son 464 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,719 ♪ Strong in the Lord of hosts 465 00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:00,159 ♪ And in his mighty power... 466 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:01,439 P-P-P-Power... 467 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:02,799 SINGING FIZZLES OUT 468 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:04,639 Oh, shit. 469 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:06,159 Hello. 470 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:07,759 I thought you didn't like conflict. 471 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,679 We are merely peacefully protesting. 472 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,319 Exercising our right to free speech. 473 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:18,280 Right. Thank you so much. Piss off. 474 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,568 DOORBELL 475 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:32,072 You expecting anyone? 476 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,043 No. 477 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:42,999 Hello. Can I talk to you about Life of Brian? 478 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,279 Yes, but can I talk to YOU about Life of Brian? 479 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:48,239 Great... What? No, never mind. 480 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:52,539 We'd like you to sign our petition to help get Life of Brian banned. I don't think it should be banned. 481 00:32:52,540 --> 00:32:56,119 We believe it's evil and should be banned. Would you like to come in and discuss it? 482 00:32:56,120 --> 00:33:00,759 No! Nothing to discuss, it's blasphemous and it should be banned. Can you sign our petition? 483 00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:03,934 Can you explain to me why it should be banned? 484 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:06,839 Look, you're wasting my time. 485 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:09,339 I have other people to talk to who want to sign my petition. 486 00:33:09,340 --> 00:33:12,519 Don't you think it's worth talking over? Maybe you can persuade me to sign? 487 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:14,639 Maybe I'll persuade you why people shouldn't sign? 488 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:16,519 Are you trying to brainwash me? 489 00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:18,579 No, I just want to have a conversation with you. 490 00:33:18,580 --> 00:33:20,459 There's no conversation to be had. 491 00:33:20,460 --> 00:33:22,239 Do you want to sign my petition? No. 492 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:26,359 Why not? I'm not convinced the film should be banned. Why not? 493 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,239 Did you write it? Er, yes. 494 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:30,839 Oh, I see. 495 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:32,479 You're one of them. 496 00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:36,639 It's not Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. Deny it if you can - you're one of them. 497 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:40,159 Why would I deny it? I just told you. You can't. You can't deny it. 498 00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:43,639 I don't want to deny it! You see! I do see, because I told you. 499 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:48,650 You're one of them. God, are we still on this? Yes, I am one of them. 500 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:51,999 So will you sign my petition or not? 501 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:55,770 No. Why not? Oh... 502 00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:00,119 We want to have a debate about the Life of Brian. 503 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:03,159 Well, that sounds tremendous. 504 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:07,439 And we wondered if you, the People's Church of St Sophia, would like to come on the show? 505 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:10,119 Us? 506 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:14,919 On the show? I don't think that's a good idea. 507 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,759 Why not? Well, I can't. 508 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,799 I don't like conflict. 509 00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,479 What about you two? 510 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:24,599 N-N-N-N-N-N... 511 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,039 That's a no. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y 512 00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:29,479 Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y... 513 00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:32,679 That's a yes. As in yes, it's a no. He has a stammer. 514 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:36,747 And you, Desmond? Would you like to come on the show? 515 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:40,399 Come on! Speak up! 516 00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:44,279 I had no idea he was going to say that. Really, I had no idea. 517 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:47,179 I've had that Friday Night, Saturday Morning on the phone again. 518 00:34:47,180 --> 00:34:48,919 Want to know if you've changed your minds. 519 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,999 The exact words were "being as it's all gone tits up". 520 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:56,439 No, there's no point. Everyone's mind up their minds already. You can't persuade anyone. 521 00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:58,719 I think we should. You said no before! 522 00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:00,479 No, I didn't. Yes, you did! 523 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,519 No, I didn't. Well, you said yes. 524 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:06,559 So, I've changed my mind. Oh, so you're just being contrary. 525 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:07,599 No, I'm not. 526 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:10,039 I'm really not. 527 00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:11,559 I think we can persuade people. 528 00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:14,519 We are intelligent men. 529 00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:18,759 Well, you might struggle with your flabby Oxford minds. 530 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,759 No danger of that with our sharper Cambridge intellects. 531 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:27,919 And I, for one, think it's vital we exercise our right to free speech to defend free speech. 532 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:30,317 No. Everyone's entrenched. It's utterly futile. 533 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:38,479 Fuck! We can't have spunked it. 534 00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:40,859 There must be something we can do. Try their agent again. 535 00:35:40,860 --> 00:35:43,479 Not going to happen. All right. 536 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:47,039 We ring Ken, get the Nine o'clock News to pump up the story even bigger 537 00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:49,679 so they have to defend themselves. You can't do that. 538 00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:53,599 Or we send them death threats. That's not very nice. Someone will do it. I'm sure they will. 539 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:59,600 All right we send them a shit in the post. What? Something to rile them... stir them into action. 540 00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:02,959 No, I don't want to do that. Shh. No, Ian said... Shh. 541 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,894 Don't tell me to... Shh. 542 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,834 But I... SHHH! 543 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:11,999 And what did the police say? 544 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,039 They said, "Can you think of anyone who might want to send you faeces?" 545 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:21,040 What did you say to that? I said, "Yes. Jesus. Anyone who likes Jesus. 546 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:27,119 "Businessmen, philosophers, upper class twits, Australians, women, TV presenters, Alan Whicker, 547 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:31,839 "The Beatles, Yorkshiremen, anyone who works in the production or marketing of Spam, men who say, 548 00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:36,239 "'Nudge nudge', knights who say Ni!' and anyone who doesn't like jokes about ocelots. 549 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:40,479 "You know, Officer. The usual." What did you actually say? 550 00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:44,839 I said, "Have you tried Derek 'So Mad He Shits In A Box' McNee at Number 24?" 551 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:47,379 What did you actually say? I said no. Happy now? 552 00:36:47,380 --> 00:36:50,799 I said, "No, I do not know anyone who hates me enough to send me poo in the post, 553 00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,319 apart from the other Pythons. What did they say? 554 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:55,439 They said, "Nothing we can do, I'm afraid, 555 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:59,839 "unless someone threatens you or attacks you." Oh, for fuck's sake! And they can't trace it? 556 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:02,439 No, to be fair to them it's not like there was a trail of shit 557 00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:05,039 leading out the door to a man trying to do up his trousers. 558 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:06,919 And they can't do anything forensic? 559 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:09,399 No, each shit is not unique. They're not fingerprints. 560 00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:10,919 Some of them can be quite swirly. 561 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:13,119 Yes, 562 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,439 but we cannot identify people from their shit. 563 00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:17,999 Shits do not look like their owners. Which is lucky, because 564 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:22,919 otherwise we'd have old ladies standing round lavatories cooing, "Ooh, it's the spit of you." 565 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:26,319 Hello, Barry. Have you heard about Eric's shit in a box? 566 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:29,079 Oh, right, you've had one too? Yeah, we've had some here. 567 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:33,639 Now while I've got you all here, I've been told in the light of the current situation, 568 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,559 I need to ask you all to make wills. 569 00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:40,999 It's just shit, Barry. I think the worst that can happen is we go blind, isn't it? 570 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:45,119 Yeah, we've had death threats... What? It's just jokes for fuck's sake. 571 00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:48,639 What happened to sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me? 572 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:50,759 I told you! What did I say! 573 00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,239 The great British Public are fucking bastards. 574 00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:56,959 It's a bit apocalyptic, isn't it? A third part of the sea became blood 575 00:37:56,960 --> 00:38:01,119 and people didst shit into a box and threaten to kill thy comedy performers for no good reason. 576 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,519 Look, do you want to back down? 577 00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:07,799 We could withdraw the film like Kubrick did with Clockwork Orange? 578 00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:09,519 All right, don't answer that now. 579 00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:15,520 Maybe just go away, have a think about it, talk to your families. 580 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:21,279 All those in favour of maintaining our zero-tolerance stance to censorship say Mrs Niggerbaiter. 581 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:24,107 ALL: Mrs Niggerbaiter. 582 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:28,479 You seem worried. 583 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:33,159 How can you tell? Well, you're pacing, which you don't normally do. 584 00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:36,119 And you're smoking, which you don't normally do. 585 00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:37,999 Well, I admit I am worried. 586 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:41,199 You can't take it personally. How can I not take it personally? 587 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:45,317 They're burning an effigy of me in my own garden. 588 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:51,599 They're just weird. 589 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,099 Close the window, darling. It smells of burning you. 590 00:38:54,100 --> 00:38:56,319 This is ridiculous. How did this get so out of hand? 591 00:38:56,320 --> 00:39:00,239 I think it's because you made that film making fun of their religion. 592 00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:03,999 Maybe I should go on Friday Night, Saturday Morning? Would that help? 593 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:06,079 Don't ask me, darling, I'm just a pretty face. 594 00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:10,279 What if it just makes things worse? Just fans the flames? 595 00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:13,679 Sorry! We set fire to your tree. ­ 596 00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:16,557 Oh, for God's sake. 597 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:40,439 Can I just say... 598 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:45,199 it's been a tremendous honour for me to help prepare your wills. 599 00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:49,719 As well as getting your signatures, I was wondering if I could also 600 00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:52,448 get your autographs? 601 00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:56,839 Wrong time? 602 00:39:56,840 --> 00:40:00,411 Wrong time. Sorry. 603 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:08,159 Terry says you've had to make a will. 604 00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:10,599 It's just a precaution, Mum, it's nothing to worry about. 605 00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:14,399 No. Why would I worry about my son making fun of religion and being murdered by a fanatic? 606 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:18,519 No, I won't be losing any sleep over that one. Perfectly normal. 607 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:22,159 My friend Elaine... her son's just been stabbed for pulling a face at a Buddhist. 608 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:24,099 Happens all the time. 609 00:40:24,100 --> 00:40:26,439 Honestly, mum. They've just done it to cover themselves. 610 00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:30,539 Besides, if the protestors wanted to kill anyone it would probably be John. He's the annoying one. 611 00:40:30,540 --> 00:40:32,599 Did you make a proper will? 612 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,359 Or have you promised to leave all your money to a penguin? 613 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:37,719 And a rickshaw to a Spaniard? No, it's a proper will. 614 00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:40,200 So it is a proper will. So I should be worried. 615 00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:43,125 What are you trying to do, Michael? 616 00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:46,519 Are you willy waving at Jesus? 617 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:48,219 Sh! Mum, we're in a restaurant. 618 00:40:48,220 --> 00:40:50,719 Why make fun of religion? We're not. And even if we were... 619 00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:52,599 is that so bad? 620 00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:57,159 Look how much you're upsetting people. You might think they're stupid people. Or priggish people. 621 00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,139 But they're real people. 622 00:40:59,140 --> 00:41:01,719 Why are their thoughts and feelings less important than yours? 623 00:41:01,720 --> 00:41:04,279 Well, why are my feelings less important than theirs? 624 00:41:04,280 --> 00:41:07,405 Oh... SHE TUTS 625 00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:10,919 I just don't understand why you're doing this, Michael. 626 00:41:10,920 --> 00:41:13,350 I want to understand. 627 00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:17,536 I just don't. 628 00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:22,978 MUSIC: "Death of a Clown" by The Kinks 629 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:40,199 I've changed my mind about the debate. 630 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:43,919 I think we should do it. Why? 631 00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:46,559 Because this is getting out of hand. 632 00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:51,119 We've got an orchestrated campaign against us. We've been banned by 39 local councils. 633 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:54,919 We're only opening in one cinema. People who work for us are getting death threats 634 00:41:54,920 --> 00:42:00,920 and there are people outside right now praying that we withdraw the film and renounce our sins. 635 00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:08,199 Renounce your sins! Go away! 636 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,159 You're sinister and intimidating! 637 00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:13,879 ALL: We are not sinister or intimidating! 638 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:17,519 We are merely following you and watching you. 639 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:20,799 Like the Lord is watching you. 640 00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,799 Always and forever. 641 00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:25,635 I'M SPARTACUS! 642 00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:31,626 ­ WANKER! 643 00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:35,879 We've got to stick up for ourselves. If we don't stand up for ourselves 644 00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:38,959 who's going to stand up for all the other comedians who come after us? 645 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:42,279 We need to take a stand to allow funny men and women everywhere to 646 00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:48,280 make jokes about murder and rape and projectile vomiting and handicapped kiddies and Mohammed in a bear suit 647 00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:53,279 and I don't know, Olympic swimmers with faces like spoons. 648 00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,959 Mike's got a point. I agree. You should do it. 649 00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:58,879 No. No way. Not at all, I'm out. 650 00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:01,879 Please, John. I know you love being contrary. No I don't. 651 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:06,679 But on this, can't you see? It's them we should be disagreeing with, not each other. 652 00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:08,279 I think you should do it. 653 00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:10,479 You and John. 654 00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:12,279 And why us, pray tell? 655 00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:16,559 Because you're good at shouting at people and being enormously sarcastic. 656 00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:19,599 And Mike's the nicest man in the world. You're the perfect team. 657 00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:24,039 I can't do it, because Christians and homosexuals can't be in the same room together. 658 00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:28,599 We're their natural predators. Terry G can't do it because he's American 659 00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:33,279 and I think deep down none of us like or trust Americans. No offence, Terry. 660 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:37,719 Screw you, ass-monkey. Terry J can't do it because he'll just prattle on about the camera angles. 661 00:43:37,720 --> 00:43:40,439 And Eric won't do it because they won't pay him. Exactly. 662 00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:44,199 So you two have to do it. All those in favour say Christ on a gondola. 663 00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:46,479 ALL: Christ on a gondola. 664 00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:49,719 Come on, John. You can shout at a man in a dress. 665 00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:52,079 It'll be like doing the show again. 666 00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,319 I thought you said there was no point, 667 00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:56,719 that everyone had made up their mind. 668 00:43:56,720 --> 00:44:01,679 I spoke to my mum. She said she doesn't understand why we've done it. 669 00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,619 She wants to but she doesn't. 670 00:44:03,620 --> 00:44:06,019 I think maybe there are other people like that out there. 671 00:44:06,020 --> 00:44:11,279 Is this about them, or about you and your mum? Oh, please, John. 672 00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:12,919 I'm asking nicely. 673 00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:15,599 Well, you would, wouldn't you? 674 00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:21,600 Fine. Fine, no don't do it, I'll do it myself. 675 00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:29,679 No, fine. 676 00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:33,846 I can't let you have all the fun. 677 00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:36,719 I'll do it. 678 00:44:36,720 --> 00:44:38,239 Christ on a gondola. 679 00:44:38,240 --> 00:44:39,579 Christ on a gondola. 680 00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:56,709 Oh, sorry love. 681 00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,759 Was Terry there tonight? 682 00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:06,839 Yes. 683 00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:08,799 I like Terry. 684 00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:11,429 He's my favourite. 685 00:45:13,240 --> 00:45:15,919 John's coming round tomorrow. 686 00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:18,439 Homework. For the debate. 687 00:45:18,440 --> 00:45:21,519 Are you sure it's a good idea to do that show? 688 00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:23,439 Why? 689 00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:25,999 Well, what if the debate doesn't go ok? 690 00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,439 What if it makes things worse? 691 00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:32,119 Then we'll move to Mexico and change our names. 692 00:45:32,120 --> 00:45:37,874 I'll start a new life as Miguel Palinez and work as a guacamole inspector. 693 00:45:42,190 --> 00:45:44,490 No, too much avocado. 694 00:45:47,415 --> 00:45:50,415 No, not enough avocado. 695 00:45:53,140 --> 00:45:56,040 Hoops, avocado is missing. 696 00:45:57,565 --> 00:45:59,665 Excuse me. 697 00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:03,549 (HE VOMITS) 698 00:46:07,574 --> 00:46:09,274 I'm sorry. 699 00:46:09,299 --> 00:46:11,099 I'm always sick from avocado. 700 00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:14,359 Don't expect me to go with you. 701 00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:18,679 Hey. I thought you said even if all the religious leaders of the world denounced me you'd stick by me. 702 00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:24,434 I just don't want to see you murdered by some religious maniac. 703 00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:32,173 You put that away. 704 00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:40,199 What? We've got the Pythons! Cleese and Palin confirmed this morning! 705 00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:43,879 YEEEEES! ONE-NIL! KEMPES! 706 00:46:43,880 --> 00:46:45,479 Bloody brilliant! 707 00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:47,519 Come here and give me a hug! 708 00:46:47,520 --> 00:46:51,786 I don't want to give you a hug, Alan. Come on, give me a hug! 709 00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:54,359 So how did we do it? 710 00:46:54,360 --> 00:46:56,639 I asked Iain. He knows them. 711 00:46:56,640 --> 00:47:00,159 I told you that. Iain...? Iain. 712 00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:01,839 Iain Johnstone. 713 00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:03,359 Never heard of him. 714 00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:09,213 So,...who's heard about Frank Bough? HE SNIGGERS 715 00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:14,879 You know, sometimes I truly despise this country. 716 00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:17,719 The descent into yobbery goes on unabated. 717 00:47:17,720 --> 00:47:20,219 Do you know I just saw two teenagers spitting in the street? 718 00:47:20,220 --> 00:47:23,639 Do you think they know that's how TB spreads? Of course they don't. Do they care? 719 00:47:23,640 --> 00:47:25,399 No. 720 00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:29,639 I blame the Tories. Things would be a lot different if the Lib Dems were in power, that's for sure. 721 00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:32,679 The Lib Dems? There's no such thing as the Lib Dems. 722 00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:35,011 Don't you mean the Liberals? Shh. 723 00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:39,559 So I've been doing a spot of homework. 724 00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:41,119 Right. Crikey. 725 00:47:41,120 --> 00:47:44,879 Someone's taking it all very seriously. 726 00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:47,679 Any idea who we're up against? 727 00:47:47,680 --> 00:47:49,359 Funny you should ask that. 728 00:47:49,360 --> 00:47:52,839 Not a clue. So who are we gonna put 'em up against? 729 00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:56,999 Well, I still think we can still get a couple of bishops. Two bishops? No. Way too dry. 730 00:47:57,000 --> 00:48:01,199 About as dry as a dry roasted peanut up a dead nun's noo-noo. 731 00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:03,419 No, we need a comedy type person on. 732 00:48:03,420 --> 00:48:05,919 You know there are comedy people who are Christian. Really? 733 00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:09,199 I know. Weird, isn't it? 734 00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:11,399 What about Malcolm Muggeridge? 735 00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:15,759 Malcolm Muggeridge? The hard-drinking, chain-smoking, womanising Malcolm Muggeridge? 736 00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:21,760 Yeah. The hard-drinking, chain-smoking, womanising, BORN-AGAIN Malcolm Muggeridge. 737 00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:28,239 It says here he's famously contrary. 738 00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:31,839 His maxim is, 'only dead fish swim with the stream'. 739 00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:36,155 Great. Whatever happens, he'll be dynamite TV. 740 00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:42,239 Are you sure you want this guy on the show? 741 00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:45,662 Yes. He'll bring gravitas. 742 00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:50,399 HE FARTS 743 00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:53,559 Look. He used to do comedy. Now he does religion. 744 00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:57,119 And he likes to go on TV and say shit he knows will wind people up. 745 00:48:57,120 --> 00:49:02,199 He could only be better if he had tits like Cleo Rocos and did the splits like Nadia Comaneci. 746 00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:05,159 But what if... I'm ignoring that last bit... 747 00:49:05,160 --> 00:49:10,239 what if he ends up siding with the Pythons? According to this he was in a similar situation once. 748 00:49:10,240 --> 00:49:14,456 There was some big outcry about an article he wrote. 749 00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:16,759 What the hell were you thinking? 750 00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:18,519 Have you read it? I don't need to read it, Malcolm, 751 00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:21,479 it's called, "Does England Really Need A Queen?" 752 00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:25,119 You might as well have called it, "I Think It's Acceptable To Masturbate Into Marmalade". 753 00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:27,999 What the bloody hell were you thinking, man? Fuss over nothing. 754 00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:31,399 I said pretty much the same thing in another piece about two years ago. 755 00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:33,559 That's as maybe but no-one complained about that one. 756 00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:37,199 They are complaining about this one because they find it offensive, and quite rightly so. 757 00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:40,399 How can it possibly be offensive? It's only a thought. 758 00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:44,439 I hear Beaverbrook's cancelling your contract. Apparently. 759 00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:47,239 I'm sorry to hear that, Malcolm, but you've brought this on yourself. 760 00:49:47,240 --> 00:49:51,159 We have to let you go. It's the BBC, for God's sake, we've got certain standards. 761 00:49:51,160 --> 00:49:54,039 No hard feelings? Towards you? 762 00:49:54,040 --> 00:49:55,639 Not at all. 763 00:49:55,640 --> 00:49:57,525 Good. Come on. 764 00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:04,519 I've shagged his wife. Who? Marjorie? 765 00:50:04,520 --> 00:50:06,879 No, Olivia. 766 00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:08,639 That's MY wife. 767 00:50:08,640 --> 00:50:11,359 Oh, then I've shagged YOUR wife. 768 00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:14,519 Sorry about that. Lovely woman though. 769 00:50:14,520 --> 00:50:17,679 Makes a wonderful breakfast. 770 00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:19,679 Maybe he'll side with the Pythons. 771 00:50:19,680 --> 00:50:21,919 Maybe not. That's the beauty of it. 772 00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:23,879 The guy's totally unpredictable. 773 00:50:23,880 --> 00:50:28,319 He's a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a... shit. 774 00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:34,159 Maybe he'll argue with the Pythons AND the Bishop and we've got a three-way fist fight. Love it. 775 00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:37,235 Post me my Bafta. 776 00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:41,039 OK. I'm the bishop. 777 00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:46,199 Right. Why have you deliberately set out to offend people of faith? 778 00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:52,200 Well, Bishop, it wasn't our intention to deliberately offend Christians or to be blasphemous. 779 00:50:52,280 --> 00:50:56,159 I totally disagree with that. Sorry, is this you in character or are you talking as you? 780 00:50:56,160 --> 00:50:57,719 I'm talking as me. 781 00:50:57,720 --> 00:51:00,359 Talk to Graham about it. Ask him what he thinks. 782 00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:04,599 He's not that keen on Christians because they're not that keen on homosexuals. 783 00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:07,079 I don't think we intended to be offensive just for the sake of it. 784 00:51:07,080 --> 00:51:09,599 There's nothing wrong with being offensive. 785 00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:11,399 It's part of life. 786 00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:13,639 If you get offended, so what? 787 00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:15,559 In a way, it's a good thing. 788 00:51:15,560 --> 00:51:18,799 It tells you you're still alive at least. 789 00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:22,359 Why can't I say things to offend you? 790 00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:24,999 Why can't I say I don't like your hair? 791 00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:29,399 Or your wife looks like a man and makes fucking awful soup. What's the worst that can happen? 792 00:51:29,400 --> 00:51:32,039 Hello, John. Oh, hello. 793 00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:33,959 Didn't realise you were... Cup of tea? 794 00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:37,599 I can put the kettle on, although I don't think it'll suit me. 795 00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:42,199 Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 796 00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:46,359 Very good! Very good. Well done. 797 00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:49,439 Most amusing. Tres amusant. 798 00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:52,479 No, we're fine, thank you, most kind of you to ask. 799 00:51:52,480 --> 00:51:54,719 We're-We're-We're-We're fine. 800 00:51:54,720 --> 00:52:00,474 Sure I can't I get you anything? Glass of cordial? Spot of soup? 801 00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:03,199 No, we're fine, thank you. 802 00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:06,474 Although your soup is always delightful. 803 00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:17,519 Right. Where was I? 804 00:52:17,520 --> 00:52:21,799 Being offensive. Being offensive, thank you. What is the worst that could happen? 805 00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:24,279 You'll stop talking to me? Heaven forfend! 806 00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:26,559 What will probably happen? 807 00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:29,399 You'll be upset for a bit and then forget about it. 808 00:52:29,400 --> 00:52:31,319 What's the best that can happen? 809 00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:33,319 Maybe you'll think "John's got a point. 810 00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:35,799 "My wife does look like a man 811 00:52:35,800 --> 00:52:39,279 "and her soup does taste fucking awful. Maybe I should leave her." 812 00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:42,359 I've been able to keep my marriage together thanks. 813 00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:44,759 That's the spirit! 814 00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:47,639 Besides, we haven't been offensive, Mike. 815 00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:49,759 People just like complaining. 816 00:52:49,760 --> 00:52:51,759 The British love complaining. 817 00:52:51,760 --> 00:52:55,079 Complaining about the weather, complaining about the government, 818 00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:58,159 the fucking darkies, the fucking queers, Noel fucking Edmonds 819 00:52:58,160 --> 00:52:59,839 and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop. 820 00:52:59,840 --> 00:53:03,759 When it comes to the British you can't please any of the people 821 00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:06,759 any of the time, and you know why they like complaining so much? 822 00:53:06,760 --> 00:53:10,559 Maybe because deep down they know there is no fucking God and it takes 823 00:53:10,560 --> 00:53:16,560 their mind off the fact that their lives are a pathetic sham that won't amount to a hill of shitty beans. 824 00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:20,319 Are you going to be like this on the TV? 825 00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:23,594 Yes, I am. 826 00:53:26,240 --> 00:53:28,399 So what about our bishop? 827 00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:31,799 He can't be too serious but he can't be too flippant. 828 00:53:31,800 --> 00:53:35,768 How will we find the best bishop? 829 00:53:50,080 --> 00:53:52,279 Hmm, no. 830 00:53:52,280 --> 00:53:53,719 No. 831 00:53:53,720 --> 00:53:54,799 No. 832 00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:56,486 Ooh, no. 833 00:53:57,280 --> 00:53:59,759 Him. He's perfect. 834 00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:05,563 Are you sure? Oh, yes. He's absolutely mad. 835 00:54:06,200 --> 00:54:10,079 You know what? We should just go on this show and make fun of God. 836 00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:12,559 Yes, that would be helpful. 837 00:54:12,560 --> 00:54:17,199 What if the Christians just attack us? It's a rational argument. 838 00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:18,959 It's a debate. 839 00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:20,639 I think we go on the attack. 840 00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:25,319 "Bishop. You work for an organisation that is closely associated with kiddie fiddling. 841 00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:29,319 "Where do you stand on the issue of child rape? Good Christian behaviour?" 842 00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:32,079 Yes, that's helpful, John, thanks. 843 00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:33,679 Well, let's not take it too seriously. 844 00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:35,479 We could go on in fancy dress. 845 00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,639 I could go on dressed as Christ. You can go on dressed as Satan. 846 00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:39,919 We both go on dressed as Mary. 847 00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:42,039 Or babies wearing nappies. Or apostles wearing nappies. 848 00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:45,239 And bondage gear. You've got to take this seriously, John. 849 00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:48,119 There are people working for us who have had death threats. 850 00:54:48,120 --> 00:54:50,559 They're not important. They're the little people. 851 00:54:50,560 --> 00:54:52,279 They're expendable. What? 852 00:54:52,280 --> 00:54:54,399 I'm joking. 853 00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:56,399 It's not very funny. 854 00:54:56,400 --> 00:55:00,919 I think it is. I don't think it is. You've gone too far. No I haven't. 855 00:55:00,920 --> 00:55:03,439 And even if I had, you could pretend I hadn't. 856 00:55:03,440 --> 00:55:04,999 You can ignore me. 857 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:06,839 Or you could stop being my friend. 858 00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:08,679 God, you're difficult. No, I'm not. 859 00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:12,159 Yes, you are. Right. That's it. 860 00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:15,199 Enough is enough. 861 00:55:15,200 --> 00:55:18,474 It doesn't have to be like this. 862 00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:41,359 I look inside you, Palin, and all I see is weakness. 863 00:55:41,360 --> 00:55:43,759 I look inside you and see hatred. 864 00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:47,039 Give in to hatred. Hating things is funny. 865 00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:50,399 No, never. I'd rather be nice. 866 00:55:50,400 --> 00:55:53,326 Sorry. No offence. 867 00:55:54,680 --> 00:55:58,079 Stop being nice, you soppy bastard. 868 00:55:58,080 --> 00:56:02,445 That's it, run away, run away from the fight, you big chicken. 869 00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:08,859 You all right, John? Hang on, I'm coming. Got you! 870 00:56:13,280 --> 00:56:17,694 Bloody BBC, they should have had stunt men for this. 871 00:56:19,120 --> 00:56:21,959 Who won? No idea. You should have storyboarded it. 872 00:56:21,960 --> 00:56:24,639 I did do a storyboard it but I left it by the window and it blew away. 873 00:56:24,640 --> 00:56:28,919 Well, maybe shut the fucking window. I know but it adds an interesting visual texture to the room... 874 00:56:28,920 --> 00:56:31,319 I'll just see you at TV Centre tomorrow, shall I? 875 00:56:31,320 --> 00:56:33,359 John, what are you going to say on the show? 876 00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:39,199 I'm going to talk about how Fawlty Towers is much funnier than Ripping Yarns. Seriously, John. 877 00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:42,479 I'm going to be as offensive as possible. This is important, John. 878 00:56:42,480 --> 00:56:44,799 This isn't just the future of comedy we're arguing for, 879 00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:46,359 this is free speech. 880 00:56:46,360 --> 00:56:48,119 I believe in free speech, Mike. 881 00:56:48,120 --> 00:56:50,439 That's why I can't let you censor me. 882 00:56:50,440 --> 00:56:55,450 That's why I'm going to say whatever the fuck I like. 883 00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:59,719 Arse... Balls... Prick... 884 00:56:59,720 --> 00:57:01,605 ..Shit. 885 00:57:03,400 --> 00:57:06,199 Thank you and good night. 886 00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:12,200 ♪ Balls and bugger and shits and tits and a whole lot of fanny... ♪ 887 00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:29,319 How did it go with John today? 888 00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:32,719 He thinks I'm taking it all too seriously. 889 00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:35,559 And are you? I don't know. 890 00:57:35,560 --> 00:57:38,799 What's more important than making fun of things? 891 00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:41,359 If we're not allowed to make fun of things that take themselves 892 00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:45,119 too seriously, how do we stop them from taking over the world? 893 00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:47,759 What happens if the comedians take themselves too seriously? 894 00:57:47,760 --> 00:57:50,079 Comedians are allowed to take themselves too seriously 895 00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:52,919 because they're special and better than everyone else. 896 00:57:52,920 --> 00:57:55,747 Oh, really? Yes. 897 00:57:56,720 --> 00:57:58,919 I can't think straight any more. 898 00:57:58,920 --> 00:58:02,039 Come to bed. You've done too much homework. 899 00:58:02,040 --> 00:58:05,896 If you don't know why comedians are better than God now, you'll never know. 900 00:58:06,600 --> 00:58:10,469 I should probably do a bit more prep, love. 901 00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:24,208 Fancy a bunk-up? 902 00:58:26,160 --> 00:58:29,086 Yeah, go on then. 903 00:58:35,480 --> 00:58:41,480 Do you ever think that we're persecuting the Pythons? 904 00:58:41,680 --> 00:58:45,519 No. They're persecuting us. 905 00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:48,319 Thousands of films get made every year. 906 00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:53,039 So one happens to be a comedy about religion. Is that them focusing on us? 907 00:58:53,040 --> 00:58:56,719 Or are we focusing on them? 908 00:58:56,720 --> 00:58:57,999 WEIRDO! 909 00:58:58,000 --> 00:59:01,039 Are you having a moment of doubt, Doubting Desmond? 910 00:59:01,040 --> 00:59:04,719 PATRONISING TIT! No. No. 911 00:59:04,720 --> 00:59:08,886 Just, you know, playing devil's advocate. PISS OFF! 912 00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:14,559 Desmond, swearing... 913 00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:17,239 Yes, yes. I am aware of it. 914 00:59:17,240 --> 00:59:23,240 It's never deliberate, is it? No. No. LIAR! No. 915 00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:27,275 Good. Good. 916 00:59:30,760 --> 00:59:33,587 Oh, not again. 917 00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:42,989 WHIRRING 918 01:00:06,520 --> 01:00:12,520 You're not the nicest man in the world, you're a very naughty boy. 919 01:00:14,560 --> 01:00:19,867 AGH! Run for it! I'm running for it! 920 01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:26,719 Oh, hello. You're awake. Um... 921 01:00:26,720 --> 01:00:30,879 This is awkward. The thing is, I really don't like conflict. 922 01:00:30,880 --> 01:00:36,880 but you made fun of my all-loving, all-forgiving God, so I'm going to kill you. 923 01:00:37,240 --> 01:00:38,976 Tent peg. 924 01:01:02,320 --> 01:01:04,800 You're still dreaming. 925 01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:24,839 And then Jesus popped up on a piece of toast. And there was John... 926 01:01:24,840 --> 01:01:27,599 dressed in a giant rabbit costume saying, "You're still dreaming." 927 01:01:27,600 --> 01:01:31,359 What does that mean? We've always been quite close, haven't we? Yes. 928 01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:36,072 Well, until this is all over, just stay away from me. 929 01:01:36,680 --> 01:01:38,239 I'm still dreaming, aren't I? 930 01:01:38,240 --> 01:01:44,240 Yeah, you are. Please stop staring at my penis. It's disturbing. 931 01:01:47,280 --> 01:01:51,149 Probably shouldn't have had that cheese. 932 01:01:53,400 --> 01:01:58,199 Tonight on Friday Night, Saturday Morning, Michael Palin and John Cleese will 933 01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:00,919 debate the film The Life of Brian with... 934 01:02:00,920 --> 01:02:04,399 You'll be all right. You're quite good at public speaking. 935 01:02:04,400 --> 01:02:08,479 Cup of tea. "We interrupt our current programming... 936 01:02:08,480 --> 01:02:11,519 I have faith in you. Thanks, love. 937 01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:16,239 "The film The Life of Brian has just opened in London. 938 01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:20,799 "I have not seen it and I suppose I am unlikely to do so. 939 01:02:20,800 --> 01:02:24,919 "However, members will have seen the reviews and will be aware that 940 01:02:24,920 --> 01:02:28,639 "there is a great deal of concern throughout the country about it. 941 01:02:28,640 --> 01:02:33,119 "For the immediate future it will be up to Christian people 942 01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:38,239 "and others who share this concern to ensure that in this case as in other cases 943 01:02:38,240 --> 01:02:43,639 "where it seems that a film has been made which devalues humanity in their own areas 944 01:02:43,640 --> 01:02:49,640 "the local viewing committee is alerted to the need to see the film before it is publicly shown and 945 01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:56,000 "having done so, to take responsible decisions as to whether and on what conditions it should be shown. 946 01:03:18,560 --> 01:03:20,559 "Be sober, be vigilant..." 947 01:03:20,560 --> 01:03:26,560 because thy adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour. 948 01:03:29,000 --> 01:03:32,319 Very definitely at the beginning. 949 01:03:32,320 --> 01:03:35,494 Three Wise Men arrive and... 950 01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:42,392 I can rely on you, can't I, John? 951 01:03:44,760 --> 01:03:46,319 John! 952 01:03:46,320 --> 01:03:50,119 Sorry, miles away. Wondering what to have for dinner. 953 01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:52,519 What do you think? Fish? 954 01:03:52,520 --> 01:03:54,559 God, you're a difficult bastard. 955 01:03:54,560 --> 01:03:57,199 Mike, don't say that. Doesn't suit you. 956 01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:59,159 You're the Nicest Man in the World. 957 01:03:59,160 --> 01:04:01,719 And you're the most disrespectful, disagreeable, objectionable, 958 01:04:01,720 --> 01:04:04,399 obnoxious and annoying man in the world. That's right. 959 01:04:04,400 --> 01:04:06,279 I fought very hard for that title. 960 01:04:06,280 --> 01:04:08,279 Wasn't easy to wrest it away from Michael Winner. 961 01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:10,719 John, this is important. 962 01:04:10,720 --> 01:04:13,999 Don't put so much pressure on yourself. It's only a chat show. 963 01:04:14,000 --> 01:04:15,999 It's not though, is it? This is about the future of comedy. 964 01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:17,799 It might even be about the future of religion. 965 01:04:17,800 --> 01:04:20,479 Well, I wish I believed we were that important but I don't. 966 01:04:20,480 --> 01:04:23,359 Well, if we're not, why are so many people protesting against us? 967 01:04:23,360 --> 01:04:25,079 This must be Harry. 968 01:04:25,080 --> 01:04:27,119 Try to be nice. Of course. 969 01:04:27,120 --> 01:04:28,959 Hi! Harry Balls. 970 01:04:28,960 --> 01:04:33,479 Lovely to meet you, Harry! Harry Balls! Jolly good! 971 01:04:33,480 --> 01:04:35,679 Thanks for agreeing to come on the show. 972 01:04:35,680 --> 01:04:37,239 Who can resist Harry Balls? 973 01:04:37,240 --> 01:04:40,839 Everyone wants to see Harry Balls. I have a... 974 01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:43,079 Can't think of anywhere we'd rather be. 975 01:04:43,080 --> 01:04:45,119 Tell me, will we be seeing Mr Dick? 976 01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:47,279 Yes, he'll pop in. Will he? 977 01:04:47,280 --> 01:04:49,439 Will he indeed? I'll look forward to that. 978 01:04:49,440 --> 01:04:52,279 Right, shall we... 979 01:04:52,280 --> 01:04:56,347 Remind me, is Dick above Balls? 980 01:04:57,120 --> 01:05:01,359 ALL: Hey! Look who's here. The sacrificial lamb. 981 01:05:01,360 --> 01:05:04,439 It's M-M-Monty Python! 982 01:05:04,440 --> 01:05:06,919 FAMOUS! Don't be seduced. 983 01:05:06,920 --> 01:05:09,399 So was Adolf Hitler and Aleister Crowley. 984 01:05:09,400 --> 01:05:15,400 Who? What? Michael, John - Alan Dick, Head of BBC Talk. 985 01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:19,599 So, looking forward to seeing who's going to win this one. 986 01:05:19,600 --> 01:05:22,279 Tim! This is your host for the evening. 987 01:05:22,280 --> 01:05:26,639 Tim Rice. Hello, guys, hi. Thanks so much for coming on the show. 988 01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:30,279 Listen, obviously, my role is to be impartial. 989 01:05:30,280 --> 01:05:32,559 But I just want to say I know exactly what you're going through. 990 01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:37,079 When we did Jesus Christ Superstar in 1971 it got accused of blasphemy. 991 01:05:37,080 --> 01:05:39,359 Admittedly, I did co-write it with Beelzebub. 992 01:05:39,360 --> 01:05:42,679 Now, of course, it's the height of respectability. I tell you what... 993 01:05:42,680 --> 01:05:44,999 I wouldn't mind having a hit musical. 994 01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:49,479 That's got to be worth a few quid. If only I had an idea for one. 995 01:05:49,480 --> 01:05:52,799 Well, you could always do what we did and lovingly rip off a story that already exists. 996 01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:57,399 So, John, will we be seeing any Basil Fawlty tonight? 997 01:05:57,400 --> 01:06:03,319 Actually, Tim, if you don't mind, I'd rather you directed most of the questions at Michael. 998 01:06:03,320 --> 01:06:08,359 Oh, right, OK, yes, fine by me. We're ready. See you in there. 999 01:06:08,360 --> 01:06:10,439 Um... what? 1000 01:06:10,440 --> 01:06:13,919 Suddenly feel quite nervous for some reason. What about me. 1001 01:06:13,920 --> 01:06:17,559 It's all right for you, you draw confidence from your spirituality, don't you? 1002 01:06:17,560 --> 01:06:23,264 Malcolm Muggeridge. Good evening, good evening, hello, hello. 1003 01:06:29,320 --> 01:06:35,222 Wow. That is one big motherfuckin' Bishop. 1004 01:06:40,880 --> 01:06:44,154 Ah, Bishop. Alan Dick, 1005 01:06:45,440 --> 01:06:47,679 Let me introduce you to your opponents. 1006 01:06:47,680 --> 01:06:50,599 John, Michael, this is... a bishop. 1007 01:06:50,600 --> 01:06:52,679 Best of luck for the show. 1008 01:06:52,680 --> 01:06:55,359 Break a leg, as they say. 1009 01:06:55,360 --> 01:06:57,799 This is not the bishop I wanted. 1010 01:06:57,800 --> 01:07:02,562 Iain said he'd be better. Who the fuck is Iain? 1011 01:07:04,480 --> 01:07:06,119 Are you expecting vampires? 1012 01:07:06,120 --> 01:07:09,799 Come on, Joan. You'll have to be funnier than that. 1013 01:07:09,800 --> 01:07:12,839 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 1014 01:07:12,840 --> 01:07:16,599 You pompous arse. I'll take that crucifix and I'll garrotte you with it. 1015 01:07:16,600 --> 01:07:18,479 Lovely cassock, Bishop. 1016 01:07:18,480 --> 01:07:20,639 Very flattering. 1017 01:07:20,640 --> 01:07:24,279 Thank you, Joan. You're too kind. 1018 01:07:24,280 --> 01:07:26,079 Ready to go? 1019 01:07:26,080 --> 01:07:29,519 So remember. The key points are we didn't kill Jesus. 1020 01:07:29,520 --> 01:07:31,879 That was the Jews. If you're going to be angry with anyone... 1021 01:07:31,880 --> 01:07:35,639 blame the Jews. Plus the Monty Python Scrapbook available now in all good bookshops. 1022 01:07:35,640 --> 01:07:38,919 How do we look? Good. Fine. Yup. 1023 01:07:38,920 --> 01:07:40,599 Shit scared. 1024 01:07:40,600 --> 01:07:43,378 We should probably be going... 1025 01:07:49,280 --> 01:07:51,359 OK, let's shake a leg, people. 1026 01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:53,759 Let's smash the arse off of it. 1027 01:07:53,760 --> 01:07:55,399 Cue titles. 1028 01:07:55,400 --> 01:07:59,399 "# Friday night, Saturday morning 1029 01:07:59,400 --> 01:08:03,039 "# By yesterday's dawn there's a weekend dawning 1030 01:08:03,040 --> 01:08:08,319 "# Friday night, Saturday morning at last... 1031 01:08:08,320 --> 01:08:11,959 You know, I find these opening credits quite offensive. 1032 01:08:11,960 --> 01:08:14,159 Yes. 1033 01:08:14,160 --> 01:08:15,879 As a woman. 1034 01:08:15,880 --> 01:08:19,699 Yes. Yes, I knew what you meant. 1035 01:08:25,840 --> 01:08:28,319 This is all a bit heterosexual, isn't it. 1036 01:08:28,320 --> 01:08:29,919 Yes, I rather like it. 1037 01:08:29,920 --> 01:08:35,773 Please welcome one third of Monty Python, Michael Palin and John Cleese. 1038 01:08:45,040 --> 01:08:48,519 Cracked. BBC cutbacks. 1039 01:08:48,520 --> 01:08:52,799 So why the name Brian? 1040 01:08:52,800 --> 01:08:54,999 It's one the funny names, isn't it? 1041 01:08:55,000 --> 01:08:57,999 Like Trevor or Kevin. 1042 01:08:58,000 --> 01:09:04,000 It's just funny. So you must have known you were heading for criticism and controversy. 1043 01:09:04,680 --> 01:09:06,279 A) because you were well known 1044 01:09:06,280 --> 01:09:10,159 B) because, to put it mildly, the subject matter is quite well known. 1045 01:09:10,160 --> 01:09:15,839 Yes but we... we wrote an awful lot which was then just thrown away because it was sort of 1046 01:09:15,840 --> 01:09:19,239 struggling too hard to be controversial or... 1047 01:09:19,240 --> 01:09:21,959 Well, actually, I don't know if I agree with that. 1048 01:09:21,960 --> 01:09:27,159 Because I don't think that we were coming in with stuff about Christ. 1049 01:09:27,160 --> 01:09:30,799 We all started writing around the edges. 1050 01:09:30,800 --> 01:09:35,679 All the people who arrived five minutes after the miracle being done. 1051 01:09:35,680 --> 01:09:37,399 Come on, Tim. 1052 01:09:37,400 --> 01:09:41,279 No more Mr Nicey-Ricey. Poke them. Prod them. Get a reaction. 1053 01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:43,599 Weren't you all in some danger of splitting up? 1054 01:09:43,600 --> 01:09:45,759 Or, at least there was some internal conflict. 1055 01:09:45,760 --> 01:09:48,279 Did the film in fact bring you closer together? 1056 01:09:48,280 --> 01:09:54,280 Yes, I think it did. After the Grail there was about a year spent sort of in the wilderness, as it were. 1057 01:09:54,920 --> 01:09:58,442 Also, there was a stage where we hated each other. 1058 01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:00,999 We're ready for you now. "I never hated you." 1059 01:10:01,000 --> 01:10:03,199 If He calls, we must answer. 1060 01:10:03,200 --> 01:10:05,959 "Whatever any of the others may say, I always liked you." 1061 01:10:05,960 --> 01:10:08,638 Good luck, God bless. 1062 01:10:09,280 --> 01:10:11,079 A-A-A-men. HYMEN! 1063 01:10:11,080 --> 01:10:13,879 "What about your solo projects?" 1064 01:10:13,880 --> 01:10:16,119 "Are there going to be any more Ripping Yarns? Any more Fawlty Towers?" 1065 01:10:16,120 --> 01:10:19,890 There'll be no more Fawlty Towers, no. 1066 01:10:25,960 --> 01:10:30,119 OK. In a moment we'll be joined by two men who don't usually review films. 1067 01:10:30,120 --> 01:10:32,519 So this is it, then. 1068 01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:37,919 In the red corner, Organised Religion, the beliefs of billions, and if He exists, God. 1069 01:10:37,920 --> 01:10:42,839 In the blue corner, some men who like to get naked and talk about moose choreography. 1070 01:10:42,840 --> 01:10:45,469 Let battle commence. 1071 01:10:47,600 --> 01:10:51,759 "We're joined now by Mervyn Stockwood, the Bishop of Southwark and Malcolm Muggeridge. 1072 01:10:51,760 --> 01:10:53,679 What do you think's going to happen? 1073 01:10:53,680 --> 01:10:56,159 Who's going to win? Well, obviously, I know already. 1074 01:10:56,160 --> 01:10:59,239 Don't tell me! I hate it when you tell me how everything ends. 1075 01:10:59,240 --> 01:11:01,119 Well, let's just say... 1076 01:11:01,120 --> 01:11:06,675 I'm not listening, not listening. Blblblblblblbl! 1077 01:11:11,120 --> 01:11:12,919 You've turned the beer into water, haven't you? 1078 01:11:12,920 --> 01:11:15,599 Christ! I wish you'd grow up. 1079 01:11:15,600 --> 01:11:19,599 Bishop, what was your review? 1080 01:11:19,600 --> 01:11:23,959 People have said to me, "Bishop, you'll be horrified." 1081 01:11:23,960 --> 01:11:28,559 But I wasn't the vicar of the University Church for nothing. 1082 01:11:28,560 --> 01:11:31,599 I am familiar with undergraduate humour. 1083 01:11:31,600 --> 01:11:33,879 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 1084 01:11:33,880 --> 01:11:38,239 I'm also a governor of a mentally-deficient school... 1085 01:11:38,240 --> 01:11:40,359 Oh, I like this guy! 1086 01:11:40,360 --> 01:11:43,839 He's my kind of bishop! Horrible. 1087 01:11:43,840 --> 01:11:49,840 It's the sort of thing, I'm sorry to say, that at Cambridge the Footlights did on a damp Tuesday afternoon, 1088 01:11:50,880 --> 01:11:54,719 "or the lower fourth when I was a school master." 1089 01:11:54,720 --> 01:11:57,039 Bit strange. That's not very constructive. 1090 01:11:57,040 --> 01:11:59,239 I thought this was meant to be a constructive debate. 1091 01:11:59,240 --> 01:12:02,439 I wouldn't worry about it. It's just a bit of banter, innit? 1092 01:12:02,440 --> 01:12:06,239 Why lampoon death? I think this is the thing that really worried me. 1093 01:12:06,240 --> 01:12:10,599 I don't think you'd make a farce about Auschwitz. 1094 01:12:10,600 --> 01:12:13,559 Good. Always good to play the Auschwitz card early. 1095 01:12:13,560 --> 01:12:15,879 Yeah. He won't have any trouble topping that later. 1096 01:12:15,880 --> 01:12:19,439 When I look at that figure, I know you're going to say 1097 01:12:19,440 --> 01:12:24,199 that Brian isn't Jesus but, I mean, that is just rubbish. 1098 01:12:24,200 --> 01:12:30,079 The whole thing is quite clear, if Jesus hadn't lived, that film would not have been produced. 1099 01:12:30,080 --> 01:12:31,879 Come on, Tim! Stir it up some more! 1100 01:12:31,880 --> 01:12:33,639 "Call someone a shitbag." 1101 01:12:33,640 --> 01:12:35,439 Pull a face like a mong. 1102 01:12:35,440 --> 01:12:37,559 Kick the bishop. Oh, dear God. 1103 01:12:37,560 --> 01:12:43,439 Could I bring in Malcolm and ask what your review is like? Yes. Um. 1104 01:12:43,440 --> 01:12:49,440 Remember that I was engaged for four years in the appalling task of trying to make English people laugh. 1105 01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:52,399 As editor of Punch. 1106 01:12:52,400 --> 01:12:54,599 It's almost an impossible thing to do. 1107 01:12:54,600 --> 01:13:00,600 I couldn't help feeling enormous envy of the ease with which 1108 01:13:01,280 --> 01:13:03,919 this particular film aroused laughter. 1109 01:13:03,920 --> 01:13:09,159 You simply had to use a four-letter word or display a man's private parts in the window and the whole 1110 01:13:09,160 --> 01:13:11,639 place fell on the ground with laughter. What's wrong with that? 1111 01:13:11,640 --> 01:13:14,759 Swearing is funny. Windows are funny. 1112 01:13:14,760 --> 01:13:19,319 My genitals are funny. And that shot was beautifully framed. Even the framing was funny. 1113 01:13:19,320 --> 01:13:21,759 Also, of course, I agree entirely with the Bishop. 1114 01:13:21,760 --> 01:13:27,760 It's quite humbug to say that this is not a ridiculing of the founder of the Christian religion 1115 01:13:28,360 --> 01:13:32,639 and of the Incarnation in an extremely cheap and tenth-rate way. 1116 01:13:32,640 --> 01:13:34,519 Rummenigge! Two-nil! 1117 01:13:34,520 --> 01:13:37,919 Great stuff. Malcolm's even better than the bishop. 1118 01:13:37,920 --> 01:13:40,799 Don't just believe because someone tells you to, someone in the pulpit 1119 01:13:40,800 --> 01:13:45,159 says something, question it, work it out yourself. 1120 01:13:45,160 --> 01:13:48,999 Are you seriously suggesting that someone who saw that film, 1121 01:13:49,000 --> 01:13:53,399 say a young kid, who knew nothing about the gospels or about history, 1122 01:13:53,400 --> 01:13:58,079 that the figure of Christ that would emerge from it would be a noble one? 1123 01:13:58,080 --> 01:14:02,199 Well, it's not supposed to be about him so people shouldn't go and see it to learn about him. 1124 01:14:02,200 --> 01:14:05,159 Well, it's no good saying it's not about him... I'm not being dishonest. 1125 01:14:05,160 --> 01:14:08,119 You're being utterly dishonest, my dear chap. 1126 01:14:08,120 --> 01:14:13,599 They're n-n-not letting the Pythons h-h-have their s-s-s-say. MOUTH NAZI! 1127 01:14:13,600 --> 01:14:16,319 I am very confused and perturbed by a religion, 1128 01:14:16,320 --> 01:14:20,719 an established religion, in this country 1129 01:14:20,720 --> 01:14:26,720 where people can go into church on a Sunday morning and the same people can sing hymns and say prayers 1130 01:14:27,520 --> 01:14:31,919 and at the same time these people can stand by while 1131 01:14:31,920 --> 01:14:37,920 their money is spent making bombs, making guns, building up appalling 1132 01:14:38,000 --> 01:14:41,319 weapons of destruction... they can sit by... 1133 01:14:41,320 --> 01:14:46,439 - I would urge you not to make careless generalisations which are not dependent on evidence. 1134 01:14:46,440 --> 01:14:49,159 I... I make them in all humility... 1135 01:14:49,160 --> 01:14:51,919 I think the Pythons are on the ropes here. 1136 01:14:51,920 --> 01:14:55,039 ..but I have observed people... 1137 01:14:55,040 --> 01:14:59,679 - Because what you're saying, if I may say so, is a great load of sheer rubbish 1138 01:14:59,680 --> 01:15:05,680 and you've made the most ridiculous generalisations which are unworthy of an educated man. 1139 01:15:07,120 --> 01:15:12,399 This whole thing is wrong. Wrong and really, really repugnant. 1140 01:15:12,400 --> 01:15:14,839 Your lisp is getting worse. It really is. 1141 01:15:14,840 --> 01:15:19,359 If you made that film about Mohammed, you see, there would be 1142 01:15:19,360 --> 01:15:25,360 absolute hullabaloo in this country, racial, anti-racialist people would rise up in their might. 1143 01:15:26,680 --> 01:15:30,879 The same people who would approve of this would have thought it quite 1144 01:15:30,880 --> 01:15:36,159 disgraceful and behind people's minds would be the thought that they might lose a bit of oil. 1145 01:15:36,160 --> 01:15:38,279 But you see the difference. 1146 01:15:38,280 --> 01:15:41,199 Four hundred years ago we would have been burnt for this film. 1147 01:15:41,200 --> 01:15:44,959 Now, I'm suggesting we've made an advance. 1148 01:15:44,960 --> 01:15:46,679 I've never seen Mike this angry. 1149 01:15:46,680 --> 01:15:52,680 This isn't good. This great drama of the incarnation you have reduced to a sort of comic film. 1150 01:15:53,240 --> 01:15:58,879 You don't make people open by producing the sort of buffoonery that you have produced. 1151 01:15:58,880 --> 01:16:00,599 You keep making the basic assumption 1152 01:16:00,600 --> 01:16:05,079 that we are ridiculing Christ and Christ's teaching and I say we are not. 1153 01:16:05,080 --> 01:16:08,679 Do you imagine that your scene, for instance, of the Sermon on the Mount 1154 01:16:08,680 --> 01:16:14,680 is not ridiculing one of the most sublime utterances that 1155 01:16:15,040 --> 01:16:18,879 any human being has ever spoken on this earth? Course it is. 1156 01:16:18,880 --> 01:16:24,880 No, no, it's making fun of the guy who's remembered it wrong and the people who've missed the point. 1157 01:16:25,000 --> 01:16:29,199 Christ is played by an actor Ken Colley, he speaks the words from the sermon on the mount, he is treated 1158 01:16:29,200 --> 01:16:32,959 absolutely respectfully, the camera then pans away, 1159 01:16:32,960 --> 01:16:36,599 right to the back of the crowd to someone who shouts "speak up" 1160 01:16:36,600 --> 01:16:39,999 because they can not hear him. Now if that utterly undermines my faith in Christ then... 1161 01:16:40,000 --> 01:16:42,639 No, of course it doesn't undermine it. 1162 01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:46,119 I started off by saying that it is such a tenth-rate film 1163 01:16:46,120 --> 01:16:49,399 I don't believe it would disturb anybody's faith... 1164 01:16:49,400 --> 01:16:53,719 Yes, you started with an open mind, I realise that. APPLAUSE 1165 01:16:53,720 --> 01:16:57,359 PALIN'S LOST IT! STAY ON PALIN! STAY ON PALIN! 1166 01:16:57,360 --> 01:17:01,279 This is aw aw-awful. 1167 01:17:01,280 --> 01:17:03,119 They're behaving like total shits. 1168 01:17:03,120 --> 01:17:06,879 SHITS! Yes. It's not very Christian. 1169 01:17:06,880 --> 01:17:10,519 The question I put to you... Could you really put your hand on your heart 1170 01:17:10,520 --> 01:17:16,520 and say that film is going to help the younger generation in its pilgrimage for truth? 1171 01:17:16,920 --> 01:17:21,479 And the lampooning of Christ's death is the most disgraceful part of the whole thing. 1172 01:17:21,480 --> 01:17:24,719 You have succeeded in reducing something 1173 01:17:24,720 --> 01:17:27,799 which has inspired the greatest art 1174 01:17:27,800 --> 01:17:32,559 into something which is presented in terms of the lowest art. That's your feat! 1175 01:17:32,560 --> 01:17:35,387 That's your achievement! 1176 01:17:39,560 --> 01:17:43,239 My face! My beautiful face! 1177 01:17:43,240 --> 01:17:46,519 Oh, yes! I have just come in my pants. 1178 01:17:46,520 --> 01:17:51,381 You're not funny! Go on, Mike! Give him what for! 1179 01:17:53,320 --> 01:17:54,919 Please don't. 1180 01:17:54,920 --> 01:18:00,920 Stay out of it, Rice! This is gold! Sit down or join in or fuck off! 1181 01:18:02,600 --> 01:18:05,030 Oh, I do love physical comedy. 1182 01:18:11,400 --> 01:18:12,999 What's going on? 1183 01:18:13,000 --> 01:18:18,719 I think we might be in Michael Palin's fantasy sequence. 1184 01:18:18,720 --> 01:18:21,719 Oh, piss on me through a sieve! 1185 01:18:21,720 --> 01:18:26,035 Another fantasy sequence? This is lame. 1186 01:18:26,720 --> 01:18:29,479 Gentlemen, I'm going to have to call a halt. 1187 01:18:29,480 --> 01:18:34,199 I think you've made people happy and made them think and made them laugh. 1188 01:18:34,200 --> 01:18:35,359 APPLAUSE 1189 01:18:35,360 --> 01:18:40,439 Although you will get your thirty pieces of silver. Of that I'm quite sure. 1190 01:18:40,440 --> 01:18:42,319 That's ridiculously harsh. 1191 01:18:42,320 --> 01:18:44,359 Ow! Fuck. 1192 01:18:44,360 --> 01:18:46,319 R-really. YAHTZEE! 1193 01:18:46,320 --> 01:18:49,279 KRANKL! IT'S ALL OVER! 1194 01:18:49,280 --> 01:18:52,839 Is that a Bafta in my pocket? No, I'm just pleased to see me. 1195 01:18:52,840 --> 01:18:55,279 And I've got a massive erection. 1196 01:18:55,280 --> 01:18:58,439 ..you're seeing it in those terms and it's utterly tragic. 1197 01:18:58,440 --> 01:19:00,239 Utterly tragic. 1198 01:19:00,240 --> 01:19:03,039 Gentlemen, thank you. 1199 01:19:03,040 --> 01:19:08,893 Now here's Paul Jones and his Blues Band with Boom Boom, Out Go The Lights. 1200 01:19:11,800 --> 01:19:16,159 Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 1201 01:19:16,160 --> 01:19:21,765 Damn and blast it all to hell! 1202 01:19:23,280 --> 01:19:25,799 You OK, Mike? 1203 01:19:25,800 --> 01:19:28,279 Pissed off? 1204 01:19:28,280 --> 01:19:31,950 I can put you in touch with a very good therapist. 1205 01:19:36,160 --> 01:19:38,239 Mike. Sorry. Joke. 1206 01:19:38,240 --> 01:19:39,959 Couldn't resist. Sorry. 1207 01:19:39,960 --> 01:19:42,959 I understand why you're angry, of course I do. They didn't listen. 1208 01:19:42,960 --> 01:19:45,359 They didn't debate. 1209 01:19:45,360 --> 01:19:47,119 They just shouted us down and played to the gallery. 1210 01:19:47,120 --> 01:19:48,999 We took it seriously and they took the piss. I know. 1211 01:19:49,000 --> 01:19:52,959 And I thought you were going to be swaggering and offensive. 1212 01:19:52,960 --> 01:19:55,879 Yes, well, I was kidding about that. 1213 01:19:55,880 --> 01:19:57,479 Shame. 1214 01:19:57,480 --> 01:20:01,359 It might actually have been useful out there. You've changed your tune. 1215 01:20:01,360 --> 01:20:03,959 They mauled us, John. They tore us to shreds. 1216 01:20:03,960 --> 01:20:05,839 Come for a drink. 1217 01:20:05,840 --> 01:20:08,999 No. No? No. No? 1218 01:20:09,000 --> 01:20:11,359 NO! 1219 01:20:11,360 --> 01:20:15,278 Why? Don't mock me, John. 1220 01:20:16,080 --> 01:20:18,163 All right, I'm not in the mood! 1221 01:20:23,200 --> 01:20:25,279 I do... 1222 01:20:25,280 --> 01:20:27,710 love you, M-Mike. 1223 01:20:43,280 --> 01:20:46,559 I know you! You're Michael Palin. 1224 01:20:46,560 --> 01:20:50,879 Yes. You been doing some more of your TV show? The Flying Circus one? 1225 01:20:50,880 --> 01:20:52,639 No. Probably just as well. 1226 01:20:52,640 --> 01:20:55,159 It was very hit and miss, wasn't it? 1227 01:20:55,160 --> 01:20:57,399 That's the problem with sketch shows - very hit and miss. 1228 01:20:57,400 --> 01:20:59,479 So what were you doing then? 1229 01:20:59,480 --> 01:21:02,079 I've been on a debate. 1230 01:21:02,080 --> 01:21:03,959 Sorry, can we just go? 1231 01:21:03,960 --> 01:21:08,079 Oh, yeah? Life of Brian thing is it? You want to know what I think? 1232 01:21:08,080 --> 01:21:10,679 I think that sounds pretty bloody offensive, actually. 1233 01:21:10,680 --> 01:21:12,279 I mean, I haven't seen it. 1234 01:21:12,280 --> 01:21:14,679 But I don't think people should have to see it. Do you know what? 1235 01:21:14,680 --> 01:21:20,680 I couldn't give a shit. So just shut the fuck up, do your fucking job, drive me home and don't be a cu... 1236 01:21:22,800 --> 01:21:24,599 I know you! 1237 01:21:24,600 --> 01:21:26,759 You're Michael Palin. 1238 01:21:26,760 --> 01:21:28,759 Yes. 1239 01:21:28,760 --> 01:21:30,359 You're my wife's favourite, you are. 1240 01:21:30,360 --> 01:21:32,790 She loves you. 1241 01:21:33,240 --> 01:21:35,918 Thank you. 1242 01:21:38,440 --> 01:21:40,424 It's nice to feel loved. 1243 01:22:32,520 --> 01:22:35,879 Oh, come on! What are you laughing at? 1244 01:22:35,880 --> 01:22:37,639 Your faces, you idiots. 1245 01:22:37,640 --> 01:22:39,319 You didn't come off badly out of it. 1246 01:22:39,320 --> 01:22:40,709 They did. 1247 01:22:41,720 --> 01:22:42,959 Wahey! The champion! 1248 01:22:42,960 --> 01:22:47,839 Well done, couldn't have gone any better for us. 1249 01:22:47,840 --> 01:22:49,479 So, where's Mike? 1250 01:22:49,480 --> 01:22:51,759 Gone home. 1251 01:22:51,760 --> 01:22:55,629 Why? Bit miffed. 1252 01:22:56,960 --> 01:22:59,159 BISHOP'S STORTFORD! 1253 01:22:59,160 --> 01:23:02,039 That was aw-aw-aw... 1254 01:23:02,040 --> 01:23:04,679 Awe-inspiring? Thank you, love. 1255 01:23:04,680 --> 01:23:10,519 Pretty good display, I thought, seeing as we saw the film for the first time today 1256 01:23:10,520 --> 01:23:13,679 and we missed the first fifteen minutes. 1257 01:23:13,680 --> 01:23:16,679 Oh, I see. 1258 01:23:16,680 --> 01:23:22,399 So you missed the part of the film where the wise men go to visit Brian, thinking he's Jesus 1259 01:23:22,400 --> 01:23:25,759 then realise their mistake and go to visit Jesus? 1260 01:23:25,760 --> 01:23:28,190 Oh. 1261 01:23:29,240 --> 01:23:30,719 Yes. 1262 01:23:30,720 --> 01:23:36,720 So you make it clear that Brian isn't Jesus? 1263 01:23:36,880 --> 01:23:39,955 Yes. 1264 01:23:40,680 --> 01:23:45,279 Great show, guys! Best piece of television I have ever seen. 1265 01:23:45,280 --> 01:23:47,319 Thought you'd be funnier. 1266 01:23:47,320 --> 01:23:52,439 But still, great to see Michael looking so angry. Unmissable. 1267 01:23:52,440 --> 01:23:55,119 Oh, well, there you go. All's well. 1268 01:23:55,120 --> 01:23:59,639 I'm sorry to say this because I don't like conflict 1269 01:23:59,640 --> 01:24:02,599 but I thought you behaved disgracefully. 1270 01:24:02,600 --> 01:24:06,839 You didn't represent us or our beliefs. 1271 01:24:06,840 --> 01:24:10,014 Have you seen the film? 1272 01:24:12,640 --> 01:24:14,319 No. 1273 01:24:14,320 --> 01:24:20,320 But rest assured, we'll be going to the first screening in the morning and making up our own minds. 1274 01:24:21,000 --> 01:24:23,279 You don't need to make up your own minds. 1275 01:24:23,280 --> 01:24:26,719 The Church has spoken for you. 1276 01:24:26,720 --> 01:24:30,589 I think we'll do what we think is right. Thank you. 1277 01:24:34,000 --> 01:24:38,613 Good man. Won't you join us for a drink? 1278 01:25:03,240 --> 01:25:05,039 Oh, love. You're squashing me. 1279 01:25:05,040 --> 01:25:07,159 Sorry, love. 1280 01:25:07,160 --> 01:25:08,879 What was that for? 1281 01:25:08,880 --> 01:25:10,399 You won. 1282 01:25:10,400 --> 01:25:14,439 Really? Absolutely. You absolutely won. 1283 01:25:14,440 --> 01:25:19,079 But... we were serious and they did jokes and made fun of us. 1284 01:25:19,080 --> 01:25:23,119 Yes. It was weird. But that's part of why you won. 1285 01:25:23,120 --> 01:25:24,879 It was good you took it seriously. 1286 01:25:24,880 --> 01:25:27,199 And they looked very silly. 1287 01:25:27,200 --> 01:25:29,879 Oh, Michael, it was awful. 1288 01:25:29,880 --> 01:25:33,639 Yes, Mum. No, I mean THEY were awful. What awful men. 1289 01:25:33,640 --> 01:25:35,479 They were complete bullies. 1290 01:25:35,480 --> 01:25:38,039 I can see what you meant, Michael. 1291 01:25:38,040 --> 01:25:40,439 You can criticise religion... 1292 01:25:40,440 --> 01:25:42,239 it's not all perfect. 1293 01:25:42,240 --> 01:25:45,199 Thanks, Mum. 1294 01:25:45,200 --> 01:25:47,879 Ooh, what a face though. 1295 01:25:47,880 --> 01:25:52,096 Thanks, Mum. Glass of sherry? 1296 01:25:56,000 --> 01:25:58,439 'I am writing in my diary. 1297 01:25:58,440 --> 01:26:01,999 'The camera is tracking slowly towards me. 1298 01:26:02,000 --> 01:26:07,079 'I am thinking about summing things up because it will be the end credits soon. 1299 01:26:07,080 --> 01:26:10,998 'I look meaningfully out of the window for a moment. 1300 01:26:11,760 --> 01:26:15,579 'I suppose this particular episode is nearly at an end. 1301 01:26:16,360 --> 01:26:19,683 'Nearly...' 1302 01:26:32,400 --> 01:26:34,719 Hello, Michael. 1303 01:26:34,720 --> 01:26:37,559 Hello. 1304 01:26:37,560 --> 01:26:41,359 I'm sorry to say I'm not sure I believe in you any more. 1305 01:26:41,360 --> 01:26:46,999 Oh, well, I suppose that's the sort of intellectual, fashionable thing of the moment, isn't it? 1306 01:26:47,000 --> 01:26:51,799 I hope you're not offended. Oh, good lord no, God is love and so on. 1307 01:26:51,800 --> 01:26:56,079 So is it over now? This conflict between religious institutions and freedom of speech? 1308 01:26:56,080 --> 01:26:59,239 Um... No. 1309 01:26:59,240 --> 01:27:01,239 Oh. Won't people get less offended by jokes at least? 1310 01:27:01,240 --> 01:27:02,959 Oh, no. 1311 01:27:02,960 --> 01:27:05,879 No. No no no no no. You see, the trouble is, Michael... 1312 01:27:05,880 --> 01:27:09,679 and this doesn't apply to you, of course, 1313 01:27:09,680 --> 01:27:13,519 but a lot of people aren't very nice. 1314 01:27:13,520 --> 01:27:16,919 So what happens? Well, where do I begin? 1315 01:27:16,920 --> 01:27:22,920 Satanic Verses, Jerry Springer the Opera, Danish cartoons, South Park, Richard Dawkin. 1316 01:27:24,440 --> 01:27:28,119 None of this makes any sense to you whatsoever, does it? Not really. 1317 01:27:28,120 --> 01:27:34,079 Never mind, it will probably form the basis of the ending of some rather heavy-handed BBC Four drama. 1318 01:27:34,080 --> 01:27:36,839 Gosh! Is there a BBC Four in the future? 1319 01:27:36,840 --> 01:27:39,919 The BBC must be doing very well for itself. 1320 01:27:39,920 --> 01:27:45,029 (HE LAUGHS) No, you couldn't be further from the truth. 1321 01:27:47,480 --> 01:27:51,547 I am dreaming this, aren't I? Yes. You should stay off the cheese. 1322 01:27:51,800 --> 01:27:55,718 MUSIC: "Black And White" by Three Dog Night 1323 01:28:03,800 --> 01:28:08,119 ♪ The ink is black, the page is white 1324 01:28:08,120 --> 01:28:12,119 ♪ Together we learn to read and write 1325 01:28:12,120 --> 01:28:16,639 ♪ A child is black, a child is white 1326 01:28:16,640 --> 01:28:22,344 ♪ The whole world looks upon the sight 1327 01:28:22,400 --> 01:28:27,955 ♪ A beautiful sight 1328 01:28:28,040 --> 01:28:31,679 ♪ And now at last we plainly see 1329 01:28:31,680 --> 01:28:36,359 ♪ The alphabet of liberty 1330 01:28:36,360 --> 01:28:39,931 ♪ Liberty 1331 01:28:40,920 --> 01:28:44,679 ♪ The world is black, the world is white 1332 01:28:44,680 --> 01:28:49,919 ♪ It turns by day and then by night... ♪ 1333 01:28:49,920 --> 01:28:51,408 Ow! 1334 01:28:53,480 --> 01:28:56,759 You know, I think we'd think twice about it now. 1335 01:28:56,760 --> 01:29:01,174 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd