OUT OF THE TREES
("The End of the Road Show")
by GRAHAM CHAPMAN BERNARD McKENNA DOUGLAS ADAMS
RECORDED: SUNDAY, 19th OCTOBER 1975 TX: 10th JANUARY 1976
 
CAPTION: ‘OUT OF THE TREES’ (STOCK FILM OF GALAXIES ETC. FOLLOWED BY PLANETS FOLLOWED BY THE EARTH).
VOICE-OVER (ROGER BRIERLEY) Than the Universe, a multitude of mighty galaxies, within each galaxy a miriad of mighty star systems, within each star system a multiplicity of mighty planets and in one of these mighty planets the mighty British Rail electric train.
CAPTION PICTURE: BRITISH RAIL LOCOMOTIVE. ZOOM IN.
CAPTION: A BRITISH RAIL FILM
CUT BACK TO FILM. GRAPHIC DEVICE OF B.R. LOGO TURNING INTO A FILM SPOOL.
CUT TO BRITISH RAIL SIGN ON THE SIDE OF A TRAIN, SHOT OF TRAIN TRAVELLING.
CUT TO A TRAIN COMPARTMENT INT. IN THE TRAIN COMPARTMENT ARE TWO MIDDLE CLASS LADIES LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW. A YOUNG BUT NOT MARRIED COUPLE VERY MUCH IN LOVE AND A FAIRLY ORDINARY LOOKING MAN CALLED MICHAEL EDWARDS.
MRS. ONE (MARIA AITKEN) (POINTING OUT OF THE WINDOW) Oh look, isn’t that a lawnmower out there?
MRS. TWO (MARJIE LAWRENCE) Yes, it’s the good old Qualcast Panther. We always use it.
(GENERAL MUTTERINGS OF ‘Oh, Qualcast Panther, very nice’)
MRS. ONE And you use that for cutting the grass?
MRS. TWO Yes, you push it and all the little blades go round and sort of cut the grass.
MRS. ONE Oh. Ours is motorised.
MRS. TWO What? Oh, our other one is motorised.
MRS. ONE Other one? I’ve never seen that.
MRS. TWO We don’t like to use it in front of the neighbours.
MRS. ONE It’s because of the people next door that we use our two rotary ones – they haven’t even got a lawnmower.
MRS. TWO I know what you mean – we’ve got half a dozen mowers that hover on air rotting in the garage, because next door they haven’t even got a lawn, and they’re such sweet people one doesn’t like to humiliate them.
MRS. ONE How do you think we feel? There we are with forty three hover motors all with leather upholstery and eight track stereo and our next door neighbour hasn’t even got a house – it’s so embarrassing.
MRS. TWO You don’t need to tell us – I mean we’re stuck with our fleet of atomic powered Silko-Glyde lawnmowers each with a sauna bath, a cocktail lounge with three adjoining cinemas and a discotheque and the whole of India’s starving – I mean I don’t know where to put my face.
(WE SEE A COFFEE WAITER GOING ALONG THE CORRIDOR WITH A TRAY. HE IS CALLING OUT ‘COFFEE’. HE PASSES THE COMPARTMENT AND MICHAEL EDWARDS CALLS OUT TO HIM BUT HE GOES STRAIGHT PAST.
THE LADIES ALSO CALL OUT FOR THE COFFEE WAITER AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE COMPARTMENT LOOK OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR IN ANNOYANCE. AT THAT MOMENT THE WINDOW OF THE COMPARTMENT OPENS AND A MAN CLIMBS IN FROM OUTSIDE. HIS NAME IS KEMP. MICHAEL EDWARDS IS THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICES HIM AND HE LOOKS MORE CURIOUS THAN AMAZED. KEMP SMILES AS HIS FEET HIT THE GROUND AND HE SITS NEXT TO MICHAEL.
KEMP (GRAHAM CHAPMAN) Than is a word which is very rarely used to start sentences.
MICHAEL (ROGER BRIERLEY) Er, is that important?
KEMP No, I’m just trying to make the point.
MICHAEL Well there’s no doubt you’re right… er. (HE IS SEARCHING FOR WORDS) Er, yes one could certainly never start a television series with it.
KEMP Ah, but we just did.
MICHAEL What? Oh…er, good lord!
(HE STARES STRAIGHT INTO TV CAMERA)
KEMP Do you know a lot about television than?
MICHAEL Yes, I often work for television. I’ve just done a voice over for a documentary film called 'British Rail And Its Place In The Universe'.
KEMP Television, that’s interesting.
MICHAEL Well, yes it has its moments.
KEMP No, I mean the word, it’s hybrid you know.
MICHAEL Is it?
KEMP Yes, 'tele' comes from the Greek and 'vision' from the Latin. It should have been 'telerama' or 'proculvision'. Well yes, I can see why they did it.
MICHAEL A bastard.
(KEMP SUDDENLY GRABS MICHAEL EDWARDS BY THE THROAT)
MICHAEL Ouch! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean you were a bastard – I meant the word…
KEMP Bastard? Oh, I see, I’m sorry, I thought you called me a buzzard.
MICHAEL A buzzard?
KEMP Yes you see a buzzard is a rather useless kind of hawk.
MICHAEL Oh really? I can see I’m going to enjoy this.
(CUT TO WAITER ENTERING THE NEXT COMPARTMENT. IN THE COMPARTMENT ARE THREE PEOPLE. E.W. CLIFFORD ALDISS. HE HAS A VERY HEALTHY RUDDY COMPLEXION AND IS EVIDENTLY A MODERN SCOUTMASTER. IN THIS HIS MODERN SCOUTMASTER’S UNIFORM IS A DEAD GIVEAWAY.
HE IS TALKING INCESSANTLY TO AN APPALLING AMERICAN COUPLE WHO ARE FAST ASLEEP. THEY ARE ALWAYS ASLEEP. THE MAN IS WEARING A CREW CUT, SUNGLASSES, TARTAN JACKET, LOUD HOUNDSTOOTH CHECK TROUSERS. HE SEEMS TO BE BEING SLOWLY CRUSHED BY SEVERAL HUNDREDWIGHT OF CAMERAS SLUNG ROUND HIS NECK. SHE IS WEARING A SLIGHTLY CHEAP DAUGHTERS OF THE REVOLUTION DRESS. SHE HAS PINK RINSED HAIR AND AN AWFUL HAT WITH A PLASTIC RAINMATE OVER IT. ON HER LAP IS A POODLE IN A PLASTIC BAG. THE POODLE HAS A PINK RINSE BUT ITS FACE IS A LITTLE BLUE.
THE WAITER ENTERS THE COMPARTMENT)
ALDISS (TIM PREECE) …and that was a kitten too. The value of an ordinary cycle is in the exercise it gives you.
WAITER (MAK WING-DAVEY) Coffee.
ALDISS Motorcycles are little use that way. They give you no exercise (unless they break down and you have to run them home!) seems delightful to rush around on those ‘fussy buzzers’ filling people’s eyes and hair with horrible dust, beheading kittens and chickens as you go and scaring old ladies into fits. But it doesn’t pay in the long run – even for oneself. If you want to keep in health, stick to an ordinary bike.
WAITER Coffee?
ALDISS Talking of kittens, I was once cycling along and suddenly found myself flat on the ground - and I picked myself up and said to a man on the path, "How did I get here please, for I don’t know?" "I saw a kitten run into your wheel" he replied. So! Beware of kittens!
WAITER Coffee?
ALDISS No, but talking of coffee, I well remember when we, that is me and my bicycle…we were taking a troop of boys on a cycling tour of the lake district…
(WAITER LEAVES IN EXASPERATION AND HEARS HIMSELF BEING CALLED FROM THE OTHER COMPARTMENT, HE GOES BACK AND ENTERS THAT COMPARTMENT. IT SEEMS THAT THE YOUNG MAN WHO IS VERY MUCH IN LOVE WANTS SOME COFFEE)
MAN (SIMON JONES) I’d like some coffee please.
WAITER What?
MAN Coffee.
WAITER Haven’t got any coffee.
MAN Well you were shouting coffee and you’ve got that coffee-pot.
(THE WAITER STARES AT THE COFFEE POT FOR QUITE A LONG TIME AND SUDDENLY DOES A DOUBLE TAKE ON IT)
WAITER Oh yes, coffee.
(HE POURS OUT A CUP AND GIVES IT TO THE YOUNG MAN)
MAN I’d like a sandwich too please.
WAITER I thought you wanted coffee.
MAN Yes, but I’d like a sandwich too.
WAITER I wish you’d make up your mind.
MAN What sort of sandwiches have you got?
WAITER Well, there’s cheese and tomato…
(RISING CADENCE AND PAUSE)
MAN Yes, and what else?
WAITER What do you mean, else?
MAN Other than cheese and tomato sandwiches.
WAITER I thought you said you wanted a sandwich.
MAN Yes I do, but it sounded as if you were going to say you had other sorts as well.
WAITER Look, cheese and tomato sandwich, take it or leave it.
MAN Alright, I’ll have that, if you’re sure you’ve got nothing else.
WAITER Well, there’s coffee.
MAN (HURRIEDLY) Er, no thanks I’ll just have the cheese and tomato sandwich thanks.
WAITER You’ll just have the cheese and tomato sandwich?
MAN Yes please.
(WAITER GIVES HIM THE SANDWICH AND THEN TAKES AWAY THE COFFEE HE’S ALREADY GIVEN HIM)
MAN Er, no, I mean, and the coffee please.
(THE WAITER SIMPLY STARES AT HIM AND SUDDENLY STARTS TO CHEW THE GUM WHICH HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN SITTING IN THE SIDE OF HIS CHEEK WAITING FOR MOMENTS LIKE THIS)
MICHAEL Er, excuse me, perhaps I can help. I think what is required is one coffee and one cheese and tomato sandwich.
WAITER Haven’t got any coffee. (ANOTHER DOUBLE-TAKE ON POT) Oh yes. (GIVES COFFEE AND SANDWICH TO MICHAEL)
MICHAEL (PATIENTLY) No, I mean for him. I don’t want anything thanks.
WAITER (A BIT NASTILY) Oh, changed your mind have you?
MICHAEL No.
WAITER I know your game mate – you’re trying to mess me about. Very funny. Harbloodyhar.
MAN Look, it’s quite simple. I want one sandwich and one coffee. He doesn’t want anything. He’s just trying to help.
WAITER Oh. Trying to help eh?
MAN Look, will you please listen – it’s very very very simple.
WAITER I have been listening mate. You go and get your own coffee and sandwiches, I’ve got a job to do, you load of tits.
KEMP (SUDDENLY AND UNEXPECTEDLY ENTERING THE CONVERSATION) Yes, quite agree, shut up you tits. Sorry mate, I know how you feel, I used to do this job on the Liverpool line.
WAITER What? The Liverpool line? That’s worse than this.
KEMP Yeah, really awful. Look, could I have a couple of sandwiches please, and er, three cups of coffee for myself.
WAITER Coffee?
KEMP Yes. (TACTFULLY POINTS AT POT)

WAITER Oh yes. (GIVES HIM TWO SANDWICHES AND THREE CUPS OF COFFEE) What are you doing now then?
KEMP Bloody ticket office.
WAITER Oh, bloody hell, poor bastard, look, have this lot on me.
KEMP Oh thanks.
WAITER (LEAVING) See you around mate.
(OBVIOUSLY ANNOYED REACTION FROM THE YOUNG MAN WHO DIDN’T GET HIS ORDER BECAUSE KEMP HAS GOT ALL HIS LOT FREE. HE IS THEN STARTLED WHEN KEMP GIVES HIM HIS COFFEE AND SANDWICH)
KEMP Want a spot of brandy in it? (GIVES A COFFEE TO MICHAEL) Here, have some. (GETS OUT BRANDY FLASK AND DISTRIBUTES A SHOT IN EACH CUP)

MICHAEL You work in the railways then?
KEMP Well, not as such…I more sort of don’t.
MICHAEL I see. Cheers.
KEMP So, you’re in television then?
MICHAEL Yes, but only voiceovers really.
KEMP For documentaries and things?
MICHAEL Not always. I sometimes do adventure stuff, you know the sort of thing. I mean…like um, ‘Europe and Asia, fragmented and torn asunder by the great duel between Pope and Emperor was ripe to fall to a new axe…
(DURING THIS SPEECH WE CUT TO STOCK SCENES OF MARAUDING HORDES SWEEPING ACROSS COUNTRYSIDE. INTERCUT WITH SHOTS OF THEIR LEADER GHENGIS KHAN BEING VERY BRAVE AND SAVAGE AND PROUD IN BATTLE. MICHAEL EDWARDS’ VOICE IS HEARD AS VOICE OVER.)
…Now out of the wastes of Central Asia a new and formidable power emerged as the Mongols launched an attack upon the world under their mighty leader Ghengis Khan.
(QUICK CLOSE UP OF GHENGIS LOOKING PARTICULARLY DRAMATIC THEN SUDDEN CUT BACK TO KEMP AND MICHAEL EDWARDS)
MICHAEL That sort of thing.
KEMP Oh, please carry on, it’s very exciting.
MICHAEL Oh, all right…Ghengis Khan – the man who was elected leader of the Asian warlords, was marked out amongst men because of his curious grey green eyes, his broad forehead, his compelling beard, and the fact that he could beat the shit out of any of them.
(DURING THIS SPEECH WE SEE GHENGIS HIMSELF PASS THE COACH WITH A FEW OF HIS HORSEMEN. WE FOLLOW THEM AS THEY TURN OFF BESIDE THE TRACK. THEN WE SEE THEM GO DOWN A COUNTRY LANE AND APPROACH A SMALL HAMLET OF MEDIEVAL SHACKS. SOME PEASANTS RUN OFF IN HORROR BUT ONE OR TWO OF THEM GET A BIT SLICED BY KHAN’S BAND. THEY ARRIVE AT A SMALL SHACK. CUT TO INT. OF SHACK. KHAN’S SOLDIERS BURST IN FOLLOWED BY KHAN HIMSELF. THE HUSBAND AND WIFE CRINGE IN TERROR AND THE CHILDREN RUN TO THEM CRYING.)
GRANDMOTHER (MARJIE LAWRENCE) Rape me, not her!
MOTHER (JENNIFER GUY) Shut up, it’s me he wants to rape.
(KHAN STRIDES OVER TO A CHAIR AND SITS IN IT. HE POINTS AT A TABLE AND A SOLDIER TIPS IT OVER. HE POINTS AT THE GRANDFATHER AND A SOLDIER RUNS HIM THROUGH. HE POINTS AT THE CAT AND A SOLDIER THROWS IT ON THE FIRE. THEN HE POINTS AT THE WOMAN AND A SOLDIER GRABS HER AND ROUGHLY BRINGS HER OVER TO STAND IN FRONT OF KHAN, RATHER MECHANICALLY RIPPING THE FRONT OF HER BLOUSE)
KHAN (GRAHAM CHAPMAN) (TO THE SOLDIER) Does she know who I am?
WOMAN You are the mighty Khan!
KHAN Does she know what I want of her?
WOMAN I’ll do anything for you oh Khan, but spare my family.
KHAN Then begin.
(SHE STARTS TO CARESS HIM LIGHTLY BUT A SOLDIER SLAPS HER)
SOLDIER (MARK WING-DAVEY) Not that!
(SHE’S A BIT STARTLED BUT MAKES TO SIT ON HIS LAP)
(SOLDIER SLAPS HER DOWN AGAIN)
SOLDIER Stop that! (SHE LOOKS BEWILDERED) Come on, ask him what sort of day he’s had.
WOMAN What? I don’t…?
(SOLDIER GRABS HER AGAIN AND HOLDS A SWORD TO HER THROAT)
SOLDIER Just say "what sort of day have you had".
WOMAN (HESITANTLY) What sort of day have you had?
SOLDIER (PROMPTING) "dear"!
WOMAN What sort of day have you had dear?
KHAN Oh, same as usual, violent.
(PAUSE)
SOLDIER Right, go on.
(WOMAN LOOKS ALMOST RELIEVED AND STARTS TO CARESS KHAN AGAIN. SOLDIER GRABS HER)
SOLDIER I said stop that!
(WOMAN LOOKS UNHAPPY AND BEWILDERED)
SOLDIER Be nice to him. Ask him how his work’s going?
WOMAN Eh?
(SOLDIER SLAPS HER A FEW TIMES AND HOLDS A KNIFE UP TO HER FACE)
WOMAN How’s your work going dear?
SOLDIER (ANGRILY) Put some affection in it!
(HE GRABS HER THROAT)
WOMAN (TIMIDLY " AFFECTIONATE") How’s the work going dear?
KHAN (UNCONCERNEDLY) Oh, not too bad really – we swept through Manchura a bit and spilt quite a lot of blood there. That was in the morning, and then this afternoon was mainly pillaging though there was a bit of bloodshed around half four. What sort of day have you had?
(HE PICKS UP SCROLL AND STARTS TO READ IT RATHER ABSTRACTEDLY)
SOLDIER Go on, tell him. (HE THREATENS HER WITH A RED HOT POKER) Tell him!
WOMAN Oh, er well, father was killed.
KHAN (ABSENTLY) Oh yes dear?
WOMAN Cat was burnt.
KHAN Oh really?
WOMAN Well, that’s about all… (SHRUGS)

(SOLDIER APPROACHES WITH POKER AGAIN)
WOMAN Oh, I was tortured a bit.
KHAN (LOOKING UP) What? Oh, sorry dear, I was just reading this.
SOLDIER Right, nag him!
WOMAN What?
SOLDIER Tell him he shouldn’t be reading whilst you’re talking to him.
WOMAN He’ll kill me!
SOLDIER Bleeding kill you if you don’t.
(WOMAN SOBBING WITH BEWILDERMENT)

SOLDIER Just say ‘Look Ghengis, put that thing away whilst I’m talking to you’.
WOMAN Look Ghengis, put that thing away while I’m talking to you.
SOLDIER Look, if you don’t get angry… (HE GRABS HER LITTLE FINGER AND BENDS IT BACK) …something might get broken.
WOMAN (SHOUTS RATHER PATHETICALLY) Put that thing away while I’m talking to you!
KHAN Oh, sorry dear…how’s Towser?
WOMAN What?
SOLDIER The dog, girl, get the dog, any dog!
WOMAN (ON HER KNEES) Look, stop all this, rape me, rape me!
KHAN No, you’d only laugh – you’re just like all the others.
(HE STANDS UP, PUSHES HER ASIDE AND STRIDES OUT FOLLOWED BY THE OTHER SOLDIERS.
THERE IS A SLIGHT HINT OF ANNOYED DISAPPOINTMENT ON THE WOMAN’S FACE. SUDDENLY A SOLDIER DASHES BACK IN)
SOLDIER Sorry, I forgot.
(HE TOSSES IN FIREBRAND – SHACK IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES)
CUT BACK TO KEMP AND MICHAEL EDWARDS IN TRAIN)
KEMP Well, that was very exciting…
MICHAEL Shhh! (HE IS COMPLETELY CARRIED AWAY WITH HIS STORY)

CUT TO DRAMATIC CAPTION AND MUSIC
SLIDE CAPTION: "THE TERROR OF GHENGIS KHAN" Pt. 6 – MIDDLE AGE
MORE MAURAUDING SCENS OF MAURAUDING HORDES ETC.
MICHAEL (VOICE OVER) And still the battles raged as the mighty Khan wrenched Eastern Mongolia from the Turks, wrested Western Mongolia from the Namons, tore Central Mongolia from the Keraits, pruned Ghihli from Nuchihs, and in February pissed off with the whole of Afghanistan.
CUT TO BLOODSTAIN KHAN DISMOUNTING AFTER BATTLE.
HE GOES INTO HIS TENT.
CUT TO INTERIOR. HE MEETS OGDAI, HIS SON AND A GENERAL IN HIS ARMY.
KHAN Which battle was that??
OGDAI (ROGER BRIERLY) The battle of Sammerkand oh Khan!
KHAN Oh, I can’t tell the difference anymore. Did we win?
OGDAI Yes oh Khan – it was a mighty victory!
KHAN Oh dear – after twenty years of these half hour battles I get the feeling that there must be something more to life. (HE PINCHES A FOLD OF HIS STOMACH) Do you think I’m putting it on a bit?
OGDAI Oh, no no… Now, oh Khan, we must push forward to Persia, and then we shall be poised to take over the whole world!
KHAN No look, feel that (FOLD IN HIS STOMACH) Do you think I should go to a health farm?
OGDAI (FEELS IT EXASPERATEDLY) No, that’s quite all right. Look, we’re on the point of conquering the whole world tomorrow.
KHAN When?
OGDAI Tomorrow.
KHAN Ah, well tomorrow’s a bit difficult you see – the thing is that next week I’ve got to give a lecture on carnage techniques in Bokhara, and I’d thought I’d use tomorrow to prepare it.
OGDAI Well, can’t you put that off?
KHAN No, you see the thing is, they’ve paid me quite a lot of money for it already so I’m a bit committed.
OGDAI Well, Wednesday!
KHAN Er, well, I haven’t got anything down, but I’m sure I’m meant to be doing something then, so we’d better count that out.
OGDAI Thursday?
KHAN No, Thursday I am certain about – we’ve got my son Ogdai and his wife coming round for dinner and I’d promised the wife.
OGDAI But I am Ogdai!
KHAN Well there you are then – you wouldn’t be able to make it either.
OGDAI Look – will you be ready to conquer the world on Friday?
KHAN Well you see the secretary comes on in Friday mornings – all those letters to answer – then lunchtime’s out because I’ve got to meet these people to talk about some silk deal. Then I think I’m free about four, but I was hoping to get away early for a long weekend. Now, Monday, Monday (CONSULTING SCROLL) No, R & R I’m afraid.
OGDAI What?
KHAN R & R? Rest and recuperation – that’s one thing I do insist upon. Now how about Tuesday? (HE STABS A PASSING PEASANT) Tuesday – look, I’m free in the morning – no hold on a minute – I’d sort of made a date for meeting this awfully interesting chap who knows absolutely everything about understanding things, which is a thing I’m very bad at. Now that’s a pity because that was my only free day next week. Now, next Tuesday we could usefully think about, or is that the day I…
(EXTRA DIALOGUE)
LIVE SOUNDTRACK FADES OUT WHILST WE STILL SEE KHAN AND OGDAI TALKING.
INSTEAD WE HEAR KHAN’S OWN COMMENTARY VOICE OVER.
KHAN (VOICE OVER) The amount of time one actually spends on carnage is eventually completely disproportionate to the amount of satisfaction one gains from it…
CUT TO TROOPS PREPARING FOR BATTLE.
KHAN Apart from anything else it’s so cold and bloody uncomfortable wearing these stupid costumes and you spend days sitting round getting bored out of your skull waiting for some miserable battle which only takes five minutes, and you wonder – is it all worth it?
WE HEAR A GENERAL SHOUT ‘CHARGE’ AND SEE THE TROOPS SPRINGING INTO ACTION. WE SEE KHAN FOLLOWING WEARILY CUTTING THE HEADS OFF FIVE ENEMY SOLDIERS. CUT TO KHAN IN THE MIDDLE OF RAGING BATTLE.
KHAN I really ought to be doing more reading.
CUT TO KHAN FIGHTING NEXT TO AGDAI IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SAME BATTLE.
KHAN How much are we getting for this battle?
OGDAI About the same as we got at Bokhara?
KHAN Oh, why do we bother? I can make more than that in one morning’s silk trading, and have the rest of the week off.
DISSOLVE BACK TO KHAN AND OGDAI’S POST-BATTLE DISCUSSION
KHAN – so that’s more or less the whole of March out.
OGDAI April?
KHAN Well no, April’s out – I’m going to Africa in April – that’s one thing I had promised myself.
OGDAI May?
KHAN Well, I don’t like to commit myself that far in advance. One feels so tied down if one’s life is completely mapped out beforehand. Anyway (HE WRITES IN SCROLL) ‘May …possible conquest of the world’ – now I’ve only pencilled that in, so I don’t regard it as absolutely definite – but keep on at me about it and we’ll see how it goes.
OGDAI Look, shall I just get on with it with the other generals?
KHAN Well you see, I don’t know about that…
CUT TO RAILWAY WAITING ROOM
WE SEE ALL THE CHARACTERS WE HAVE ALREADY MET ON THE TRAIN. CLIFFORD ALDISS IS STILL TALKING TO THE AMERICANS AND STRIPPING DOWN A BIKE.
THE AMERICANS ARE STILL ASLEEP.
ALDISS Talking of ‘I don’t know’ – how one does ramble on! – There is a house in the sand hills near Bournemouth with a funny name. When the occupants went into it the wife said "What shall we call it dear?" "Oh, I dunno" said the husband, in a bored voice. So! The house has ‘Aidunno’ on the gate. What’s the moral of that? Beware of bored husbands who say ‘Aidunno’. But every bored husband was once a bored boy, who, I expect, found it ‘too much fag’ to clean his bicycle himself. No, not too busy, but too lazy – got you there old chap! You may well blush.
KEMP Look, you strange person, if you’re not careful you’ll wake them up.
ALDISS Oh, I’m careful, old chap. You have to be careful when you’re stripping down a bike. Look at the way I’ve laid my nuts out in a nice line so I know where I can find them. Beware of nuts that are not on a line. Anyway, enough of this – there’s work to do. The boy Jesus wouldn’t have sat around talking all day.
HE GOES BACK TO TINKERING WITH HIS BIKE. HE OVERHEARS THE SOUND OF ARGUMENT BETWEEN THE TWO WOMEN. THERE IS A LOUD SLAP.
MRS. ONE Oh, you little bitch!
CLIFFORD ALDISS TURNS TO TALK TO THEM.
ALDISS Oh, hello Ladies. Excuse me butting in. My name’s E.W. Clifford-Aldiss, but you can call me W., because I only use my second name. Begging your pardon, do you mind if I enquire whether there has been some kind of altercation between you?
MRS. TWO Yes there has! She, the little bitch, started bragging about all the lawnmowers which I know she hasn’t got, and so I merely happened to remark that my husband earns more than hers, and she pulled a knife on me.
ALDISS (TO OTHER WOMAN) You need never be ashamed because you live in a smaller house than other boys. (TO MRS. TWO) A bigger house adds nothing to people’s happiness (ALTHOUGH I expect you think it would) and it is nothing to boast of. It is the worst kind of snobbishness to boast of your father’s money, or the expensive things that he has.
MRS. TWO My husband…
ALDISS Husband, sorry.
MRS. TWO …happens to be the richest man in his office.
KEMP Prove it.
MRS. TWO What?
KEMP Come on, prove it.
MRS. TWO All right, I will.
KEMP And so…
CUT TO PLUSH BOARD-ROOM
FULL OF VERY RICH BUSINESSMEN. AT THE END OF THE CONFERENCE TABLE IS A VERY MAGNIFICENT EMPTY SEAT. NEXT TO IT SITS THE DEPUTY CHAIRMAN AND NEXT TO HIM THE TREASURER.
DEP. CHAIRMAN (ROGER BRIERLY) Right, now before we read the minutes of the last meeting I’d like to ask how much money we’ve made recently.
TREASURER (TIM PREECE) What do you mean? Today, or just since the meeting began?
DEP. CHAIRMAN Well, since I last spoke.
TREASURER Well let me see (HE STARTS TO OPERATE A POCKET CALCULATOR. SUDDENLY A SUPERIMPOSED ARROW POINTS AT ONE OF THE MEN IN THE BOARDROOM FOR ABOUT A SECOND AND WE HEAR MRS. TWO SAYING ‘That’s him’.) Well, from your last word, four hundred and ninety eight million pounds – er, that’s not including the interest at a rate of 18½% accrued during the five seconds it’s taken since I started pressing the buttons, and by the time I’ve finished this sentence that’ll be another ooh twenty-six million pounds, or twenty-nine million pounds if I carry on the sentence to say the bit I’m saying at the moment – which I have, call it thirty.
DEP. CHAIRMAN Right. So, Gentlemen, being the major shareholders, we sell out completely…
(AT THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE IS A MAN WHO IS PERMANENTLY ON THE TELEPHONE)
MAN ON PHONE (SIMON JONES) Sell!
DEP. CHAIRMAN …which will send all the shares plummeting. Then we buy a hundred times as many…
MAN Buy!
DEP. CHAIRMAN …at the cheaper price. How much have I made so far?
TREASURER Ooooooooh, er, billions.
DEP. CHAIRMAN Oh, good day’s business.
SUDDENLY THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND A MONGOL HORSEMAN RIDES IN FOLLOWED BY GHENGIS KHAN WHO BURIES HIS AXE IN THE TABLE AND THEN HANGS HIS HELMET ON THE AXE’S SHAFT.
DEP. CHAIRMAN Gentlemen, the Chairman.
KHAN Sorry I’m late. Can’t stop for long, doing a chat show. How’s the money front?
DEP. CHAIRMAN Oh, splendid, piles of the stuff.
THEY ALL START TO GET VERY WORKED UP.
ALL
T.Enormous quantities…
M. Terrific amounts of cash…
D. Ch. Unbelievable sums of money…
T. Pantechnicons full of crisp fivers etc…
KHAN Great, well, I’ll take three quarters of it. (HE SWEEPS OUT SAYING) Oh, business worries, it’s all so pointless. I really ought to find more time for reading.
SOLDIERS EXIT WITH HIM.
TREASURER Oh well, there you go. I suppose you’ve got to admire him – he’s got the violence of business down to a fine art.
KHAN RETURNS WITH A FIREBRAND
KHAN Sorry, forgot…
HE THROWS FIREBRAND INTO ROOM WHICH IS IMMEDIATELY ENGILFED IN FLAMES.
CUT TO DRAMATIC CAPTION AND MUSIC.
CAPTION SLIDE: ‘THE RETURN OF THE MIGHTY KHAN’
VOICE OVER (MICHAEL EDWARDS) The mighty mongol leader, Ghengis Khan, and his hordes of fearsome financial advisors swept through the stock exchange of Europe clinching mighty business deals and wreaking havoc with the parity of the pound.
WE SEE KHAN AGAINST B/G FAKED-UP STILLS OF LONDON, PARIS, ROME, KUWAIT ETC. THEN KHAN MEETING FAMOUS PEOPLE. KHAN STANDING WAVING ON THE STEPS OF AN ‘AIR MAT’ KHANCORDE. GHENGOMART SUPERMARKETS; DOGGOGHENG DOG FOOD; TRANS CARNAGE LORRIES; ETC, ETC, ETC.
VOICE OVER CONTINUES
Yes, the man who was elected Chairman of Asian Warlords International was marked out amongst the world because of his curious grey green money, his broad business acumen, his compelling fiscal ability and also the fact that he could beat the shit out of any of them
TOWARDS THE END OF THIS SPEECH THE SOUND OF THE FIRE CRACKLING GETS LOUDER AND AT THE VERY END THE PICTURE ITSELF IS ENGULFED IN FLAME.
CUT TO PANELLED OAK DOOR WHICH SAYS ‘CABINET ROOM – IN SESSION’
CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF FIREMAN.
FIREMAN 1 (WHO IS ALSO MINISTER FOR TRADE AND INDUSTRY) (MARK WING-DAVEY) Mr Prime Minister and Chief Fire Officer – The latest figures compared with those figures predicted for this period are different by a third set of figures which were predicted previously as being predictably based on draconian figures.
DURING THIS SPEECH WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL THAT HE IS IN THE CABINET ROOM ADDRESSING THE CABINET WHICH IS COMPOSED OF LOTS OF OTHER FIREMEN. THEY MURMUR WITH SATISFACTION AT THE SPEECH.
FIREMAN 1 Need I say more?
P.M. (ROGER BRIERLY) No.
MIN OF AG. AND FISH (MARIA AITKIN) Yes, say 'draconian' again.
FIREMAN 1 I shall! Draconian!
ANOTHER MAN STANDS UP TO SPEAK. HE IS AN ASSISTANT CHIEF FIRE OFFICER AND MINISTER OF DEFENCE.
MIN. OF DEFENCE (GRAHAM CHAPMAN) Mr Prime Minister and Chief Officer, I should like to take this opportunity of denying in the most categorical terms that I ever at all in my whole life ever had any form of relationship, and most definitely not in a sexual way, and particularly not in a perverted way, with any members of Her Majesty’s Armed Forces, and particularly not one in the 59th Battalion of Guards, and anyway how could I have done last week as I has a slight chill, and would a person of my standing have done it in Hyde Park in full view of the public, and the bit about the Alsation was completely untrue and I was certainly not wearing pantyhose.
PAUSE
HORRIBLE SILENCE
MIN. OF DEFENCE I think I’d like to have those last remarks struck from the record.
SITS DOWN CRIPPLED WITH EMBARRASSMENT
MIN OF AG. AND FISH Bring back cutting people up into little bits and putting them through black people’s letter-boxes.
SOUND OF ALARM BELL. AN M.P. DASHES IN.
M.P. (TIM PREECE) Fire! Fire!
MIN. FOR TRADE AND INDUSTRY May I remind the honourable member and Divisional Fire Officer that all remarks made in the cabinet must be addressed through the chair.
M.P. Well, this is rather important.
P.M. Out of order, out of order.
M.P. But look, there’s a fire going on, there are probably people getting burnt!!
ALL Out of order!
P.M. You must address all your remarks through the chair.
M.P. All right, Prime Minister and Chief Officer, there’s a fire.
VOICE (MIN. OF DEF.) Make him say 'draconian'.
M.P. What?
VOICE (MIN. OF DEF.) Make him say 'draconian'.
P.M. You’ve got to learn you know if you ever want to be in the cabinet.
M.P. There’s a draconian fire…
VOICE (MIN. OF AG. & FISH) And 'gerrymandering'.
M.P. There’s a draconian fire with lots of gerrymandering.
MIN OF AG. & FISH Prime Minister and Chief Officer, draconian, gerrymandering, I should like to protest that there was no discernible quip in that last remark.
P.M. Yes, Min. of Ag. & Fish and Fire Master, make your quip, M.P. and Divisional Fire Officer.
M.P. Alright, there’s a draconian fire…
P.M. Address the chair!
VOICE (TRADE & IND.) Get it right!
M.P. Prime Minister and Chief Officer, much as I admire draconian gerrymandering…
P.M. Quip!
M.P. …she was only the Parliamentary Undersecretary for state’s daughter, but she goes like a rocket…
(GENERAL MURMURING OF ‘RUBBISH’)
GENERAL CALLS OF "Rubbish", "Rotten", "Pathetic"
THE RATHER PATHETIC UPPERCLASS PERSON TITTERS A BIT.
M.P. Well, he liked it.
P.M. Very well, carry on.
M.P. There’s a fire and I suggest that as Members of the Government and firemen it is our duty to take immediate action…
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER (AND CHIEF FIRE OFFICER) (SIMON JONES) Prime Minister and Chief Officer, may I say gerrymandering and with draconian emphasis that my mother-in-law’s got a face like a million dollars (HE DONS A FEZ) – a large S with two lines going down it – just like that, and also that none of the previous speakers have included any literary allusions, and that puts me in mind of the late G.J. Whyte-Melville, who wrote in ‘Drink, Puppy, Drink’… ‘Drink, puppy, drink, and let every puppy drink’.
(EVERYONE LIKES THIS VERY MUCH AND THERE IS A POLITE RIPPLE OF APPLAUSE)
P.M. Well, that was jolly good, and I now declare this meeting closed. Drop of sherry anyone?
M.P. But what about the fire for Christ’s sake, there’s a fire going on…
(THEY ALL IGNORE HIM AND GET ON WHITH THE BUSINESS OF BEING PLEASANTLY SOCIAL TOGETHER)
CUT TO THE FIRE WHICH IS STILL ENGULFING THE OFFICE BUILDING.
OUTSIDE IN THE STREET WE SEE WORRIED PEOPLE LOOKING AT THEIR WATCHES AND STARING UP THE ROAD WAITING FOR THE NON-ARRIVING FIRE ENGINES.
WAITING ROOM
CUT STRAIGHT BACK TO THE WAITING ROOM. THE WINDOW OF THE WAITING ROOM LOOKS OUT ON TO THE FIRE (A BIT OF CSO MIGHT CONCEIVABLY COME IN HANDY HERE UNLESS ANYONE KNOWS OF A WAITING ROOM WHICH LOOKS OUT ON TO A CONVENIENT FIRE)
KEMP (TALKING STRAIGHT TO CAMERA) And so the fire engines did not arrive and the building was burnt to the ground.
MICHAEL I beg your pardon?
KEMP I’m sorry?
MICHAEL Why did you just say that about fire engines?
KEMP Habit, I suppose, I used to be a linkman.
MICHAEL Oh, but you’re not anymore?
KEMP No, couldn’t stand it, cooped up in a little box of a studio linking one item to the next – you know – and now we have blah blah blah – I wanted to get out and see a bit of the world.
(CUT TO PICTURE SHOWING ONE QUARTER OF THE GLOBE)
KEMP (V.O.) That wasn’t supposed to be a link.
(CUT BACK TO WAITING ROOM AGAIN)
(WE SEE MICHAEL EDWARDS LOOKING AT KEMP AND WE HEAR MICHAEL EDWARDS’ VOICE, V.O., SAYING)
MICHAEL Yes, that’s why I stopped doing voice overs.
KEMP I can understand that – I put up with doing years and years of boring links simply so I could save up enough money so that one day I could go out and do the links I really wanted to do.
MICHAEL (LIVE AGAIN) Me too, I’ve really been looking forward for the ultimate in voice overs. Delighted to meet you, my name’s Michael Edwards.
KEMP Mine’s Kemp.
(CAMERA MOVES TO THE TWO WOMEN, LOOKING OUT AT THE FIRE)
MRS. TWO (PROUDLY) I expect that fire was started by one of my husband’s two secretaries.
MRS. ONE Oh, my husband’s eight secretaries are always burning his offices down – the place is a constant inferno.
MRS. TWO My husband’s twelve secretaries…
MRS. ONE You said he had two secretaries.
MRS. TWO Ah yes, two that burn the place down, but the other ten are so obsessed with setting fire to things that he doesn’t even allow them to come into the office.
(PAUSE)
MRS. ONE What do they do then?
MRS. TWO Er… (SLIGHTLY LOST FOR REPLY) Ah, well, I think (BIT OF A BRAG HERE) he might go to bed with some of them.
MRS. ONE Oh! My husband goes to bed with all his secretaries.
MRS. TWO What, just the eight.
MRS. ONE Oh no, he has a team of twenty three different secretaries for going to bed with every night.
MRS. TWO What? Just at night? Oh, my husband has his twelve secretaries before he’s even put spoon to grapefruit – during the day he has fifty-two other people’s secretaries – and I’ve never even seen him at night…
MRS. ONE Oh you mean – he’s unfaithful then…?
MRS. TWO Er… so yours isn’t then…?
MRS. ONE Unfaithful!!!!!
MRS. TWO Is he?
MRS. ONE My husband is so unfaithful I haven’t even seen him for five years.
MRS. TWO Oh! I haven’t even seen mine since the day we were married.
MRS. ONE Mine didn’t even turn up for the wedding.
MRS. TWO I haven’t even been to bed with my husband…
MRS. ONE I haven’t even met my husband.
MRS. TWO My husband doesn’t even exist.
MRS. ONE (PUTTING HER HAND ON MRS. TWO’S HAND) Never mind dear you’ve got me…
MRS. TWO (AS CAMERA MOVED OVER TO THE YOUNG AND STILL VERY MUCH IN LOVE COUPLE WHO ARE LOOKING AT THE FIRE THROUGH THE WINDOW). Oh, Trish, you’re such a comfort…
SHE (MAGGIE HENDERSON) Oh look darling, look at that fire.
HE (SIMON JONES) Oh yes.
SHE It must be hot out there.
KEMP I think they’re about to do their own link into something. Let’s see how they do it.
HE Oh, yes, almost as hot as that hot day in August when we…
SHE Oh yes…
KEMP Oh that was a bit contrived.
COUPLE TRIPPING THROUGH IDYLLIC LONG GRASS FIELD. THEN WE SEE YOUNG COUPLE WALKING DOWN IDYLLIC LITTLE STREET. ROMANTIC MUSIC, CHERRY BLOSSOM ETC.)
THEY ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET ARM IN ARM WHEN THEIR PATH IS PARTLY OBSTRUCTED BY A LARGE PEONY BUSH WHICH HANGS OVER IT FROM BEHIND SOMEONE’S GARDEN FENCE.
SHE Darling, that was wonderful.
HE What do you mean? We didn’t do anything.
SHE No, the walk, silly.
HE Oh yes, the walk. Yes well actually I had rather hoped that we would in fact… (HE PUSHES THE PEONY BUSH OUT OF THE WAY WITH JUST A HINT OF IRRITATION)

SHE Darling, don’t be so rough – they’re so pretty.
HE What are?
SHE The peonies. Look. (SHE PICKS ONE) Isn’t it pretty?
INSTANT POLICE SIREN; SCREECH OF BRAKES AS POLICE CAR SLAMS TO A HALT BESIDE THEM AND TWO POLICEMAN LEAP OUT. POLICEMAN 2 IS THE "BRAINS" OF THE OUTFIT. POLICEMAN 1 IS THE HEAVY.
POLICEMAN 2 (GRAHAM CHAPMAN) (GRABS PEONY FROM GIRL) What’s this then?
HE A peony
POLICEMAN 2 Oh, you admit that then?
(POLICEMAN 1 WRITES IN HIS NOTEBOOK)
HE Admit? But look officer…
POLICEMAN 2 Don’t try to flatter me, you won’t get out of it that way.
HE Get out of what?
POLICEMAN 1 (ROGER BRIERLY) Calm down.
(GIRL IS IN TEARS BY NOW)
HE Look, please, what am I supposed to have done?
POLICEMAN 2 Not you, her.
HE Her?
POLICEMAN 2 She’s committed a felony.
SHE What do you mean?
POLICEMAN 2 Theft! That’s what I mean! She has taken away the personal goods of another, viz, one peony.
HE But it’s only a flower.
POLICEMAN 1 Only a flower! Oh, oh, oh!
POLICEMAN 2 That is property!
POLICEMAN 1 Property!
HE Property?
POLICEMAN 2 Did that peony just appear out of thin air?
HE No, it came from that bush.
POLICEMAN That bush, eh? Is it hers?
HE No.
POLICEMAN 2 Is it yours?
HE No…
POLICEMAN 2 Is it the bush of a friend or relation of yours?
HE No…
POLICEMAN 2 Then it is another’s. Did you ask the permission of ‘another’? (HE INDICATES THE HOUSE TO WHICH THE BUSH BELONGS)

HE No…
POLICEMAN 2 Well that, my lad, is theft, which is a felony and punishable with up to thirty years imprisonment.
(WE CAN NOW SEE IN THE BACKGROUND AN OLD LADY BEING BEATEN UP BY FOUR THUGS AND LATER ON DURING THE FOLLOWING, OTHER INNOCENT PASSERS-BY BEING ATTACKED AND ROBBED – OTHER OBVIOUS FELONIES)
HE What do you mean, theft, felony? She just picked a flower.
POLICEMAN Stole a flower.
HE Alright then, we’ll give it back.
POLICEMAN 2 You can’t lad. It’s severed.
HE What do you mean, severed?
POLICEMAN 2 Well, did you intend to put it back?
HE Er… yes, alright, we did.
POLICEMAN 2 All right, just how would you do that sir?
HE Well, I think I’d er…
POLICEMAN 2 Sellotape? Nail it back?
POLICEMAN 1 A few well-placed rivets?
POLICEMAN 2 You couldn’t could you?
HE Well, no, I suppose not.
POLICEMAN 2 Well, there you are. Mind you, if you’d taken the whole bush we couldn’t prove you didn’t intend to put it back, could we?
(BACKGROUND: ARCHBISHOP BEING STRANGLED)
HE Alright – look this is ridiculous.
(POLICEMEN EXCHANGE LOOKS AGAIN)
I’ll buy a whole new bush for them.
POLICEMEN 2 Well, it wouldn’t be the same bush would it?
(GIRL STARTS TO CRY. POLICEMAN 1 SAYS ‘SHURRUP’ AND HITS HER)
HE Look… we’ll just go and ask the owner whether he minds our having taken a peony – and if he does mind I’ll pay him compensation. But of course he won’t mind. Anyway the thing was obstructing the pavement.
POLICEMAN 2 Don’t try and be clever with us my lad.
(POLICEMAN 1 RAISES HIS FIST. POLICEMAN 2 PUSHES IT DOWN SAYING "Not yet, not yet")
HE Haven’t you got anything better to do – there are murders going on, armed robberies, rapes, arsons – and you’re just worried over one bloody peony.
POLICEMAN 2 Oh! So we’ve got a difficult one here have we? (CALLS) Sergeant!
(A SERGEANT LEAPS OUT OF THE CAR AND STRIDES OVER)
POLICEMAN 2 Look mate, do you want to come up to the station and be "interviewed"?
POLICEMAN 1 Can be very nasty, being "interviewed"…
HE Are you threatening violence? (HE RAISES A FINGER)

POLICEMAN 2 Right! Send for reinforcements!
POLICEMAN 1 Right! (INTO RADIO INTERCOM) There’s been a peony severance in Southwood Lane! Can we have reinforcements…
NOTE: WITH A BIT OF NIFTY EDITING IT SHOULD BE POSSIBLE TO DO MOST OF THE FOLLOWING SECTION USING STOCK FILM.
CUT TO SEE POLICEMEN POURING OUT OF A DOOR MARKED HOUSE OF LORDS. THEY ARE STRIPPING OFF ERMINE ROBES ETC FROM OVER THEIR UNIFORMS AND LEAPING INTO BLACK MARIAS.
CUT TO INTERIOR OF VAN. THE SIRENS ARE GOING VERY LOUDLY. THE POLICEMAN NEXT TO THE DRIVER IS TALKING INTO RADIO MIKE.
POLICEMAN IN VAN (MARK WING-DAVEY) Am proceeding in an Easterly direction along North End Avenue towards the scene of a severance on the west side of South Wood Lane. I am reclining in my seat at an angle of 65 degrees and the siren is going er er er er er er at a level fifteen decibels above the pain threshold.
CUT TO THE STREET SCENE. AS THE POLICE VAN GOES THROUGH IT THE SIREN IS LOUD THAT ALL THE PASSERS BY ARE CLUTCHING THEIR EARS AND SOME ARE EVEN COLLAPSING WITH THE PAIN WITH THEIR EARS BLEEDING.
CUT TO AMBULANCE LEAVING HOSPITAL TO PICK UP EAR DRUM VICTIMS. IT ALSO HAS AN ENORMOUSLY LOUD SIREN AND THIS CAUSES EVEN MORE DAMAGE. CUT BACK TO HOSPITAL TO SEE ANOTHER AMBULANCE LEAVING THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. IT KNOCKS OVER A PEDESTRIAN.
CUT TO YET ANOTHER AMBULANCE, ANOTHER ACCIDENT, ANOTHER FIRE ENGINE, ETC.
INTERCUT INTO THIS SEQUENCE ARE SHOTS OF POLICEMEN, AMBULANCE MEN AND FIREMEN INSIDE THEIR VEHICLES CALLING FOR REINFORCEMENTS ON THEIR RADIOS. THEN CUT TO SOLDIER’S HEAD TALKING INTO RADIO. HE IS IN A TANK MOVING INTO ACTION. THEN SOUND OF MORSE CODE AND RADAR BLEEPS.
CUT TO SHOT OF DESTROYER STEAMING INTO THE ATTACK. FIGHTER PLANES; GUIDED MISSILES TAKING OFF; BOMBS DESCENDING FROM PLANE. MUSHROOM CLOUDS.
CUT TO SHOT OF THE WHOLE PLANET, VIRTUALLY EXPLODING.
WE SEE ALIEN SPACECRAFT APPROACHING. CUT TO INSIDE SPACECRAFT: WE SEE STRANGE ALIEN CREATURES WATCHING THE EARTH EXPLODE ON A TV SCREEN AND TALKING IN VAGUELY DALEK-LIKE VOICES. THEY ARE MODELS.
ONE (TIM PREECE) We are too late. We are too late. They have severed the peony.
ALL They have severed the peony, they have severed the peony!
TWO (MARK WING-DAVEY) (INTO RADIO MIKE) Mission has failed, mission has failed. Impossible to effect peony severance prevention.
CUT TO EXTERIOR OF SPACE CRAFT. WE SEE IT WHEEL ROUND AND RETURN IN THE DIRECTION IT CAME.)
CUT TO TWO FIREMEN WALKING THROUGH BURNING AND PROBABLY RADIOACTIVE RUBBLE. AGAIN A FAKED SHOT.
FIREMAN 1 Damned good maiden speech I thought.
FIREMAN 2 Yes, but I notice how he carefully avoided mentioning the issue of the presence of British troops in Mongolia.
CUT TO COMPARTMENT OF TRAVELLING TRAIN.
IN THE COMPARTMENT ARE MICHAEL EDWARDS, KEMP AND THE YOUNG COUPLE WHO STILL LOVE EACH OTHER QUITE A LOT.
SHE I don’t remember that.
HE Oh, yes you’re right, it was a hydrangea. Sorry darling.
MRS. TWO My husband’s hydrangeas…
MRS. TWO Oh shut up.
KEMP And so, back to us.
MICHAEL Oh, by the way, you never told me what you were doing on the roof of the train before you climbed in the window.
KEMP I landed there… from the bridge.
MICHAEL Oh. Why was that.
KEMP Well there didn’t seem to be a station where I wanted to catch the train.
MICHAEL Oh,
KEMP (LOOKING AT WATCH) Anyway, this must be where I get off. (GOES TO DOOR OF COMPARTMENT)

MICHAEL But there isn’t another stop for twenty minutes… (REALIZATION DAWNS) Oh… Look, do you mind if I come along? Join you?
KEMP (OPENS DOOR, GESTURES) After you.
(THEY BOTH LEAP OUT)
HE Good Lord, they both jumped off the train.
SHE Yes, that reminds me of that documentary we once saw on trains…
HE Oh yes…
(SCREEN DISSOLVE INTO THE OPENING SEQUENCE SHOWN IN REVERSE ORDER)
VOICE OVER (MICHAEL EDWARDS’ VOICE) And so, outside each mighty British Rail train a multiplicity of mighty planets, outside each multiplicity of mighty planets a myriad of mighty star systems, and outside each star system a multitude of mighty galaxies, and outside each galaxy the rest of the mighty universe than.
CAPTION PIC: EARTH
CAPTION SLIDES CREDITS: ‘MORE OR LESS THE END OF THIS EPISODE’
END CAPTION SLIDES:
By
GRAHAM CHAPMAN BERNARD McKENNA DOUGLAS ADAMS

Starred GRAHAM CHAPMAN

With ROGER BRIERLY SIMON JONES

MARIA AITKEN MARJIE LAWRENCE

TIM PREECE MARK WING-DAVEY

MAGGIE HENDERSON JENNIFER GUY

Signature tune NEIL INNES

Cameraman STAN SPEEL
Sound recordist RON BLIGHT
Film Editor BOB RYMER

Costume SUSAN WHEAL
Make-up CECILE HAY-ARTHUR

Graphics DICK BAILEY

Studio light PETER BOOTH
Studio sound LEN SHORLEY

Production Assistant DONALD CLIVE

Designer IAN RAWNSLEY

Producer BERNARD THOMPSON