It's...
Good evening.
Hello again, and welcome to the show.
Tonight, we continue to look at some famous deaths.
Tonight we start with the wonderful death
Of genghis khan, conqueror of india.
Take it away, genghis.
9.1, 9.3, 9.7.
That's 28.1 for genghis khan.
Bad luck, genghis.
Nice to have you on the show.
And now, here are the scores.
Well, you can see the scores now.
St. stephen in the lead there with his stoning.
Then comes king richard iii at bosworth field--
A grand death, that--
Then the very lovely jean d'arc.
Then marat, in his bath--
Best of friends with charlotte in the showers afterwards.
Then a. lincoln of the u.s. of a.--
A grand little chap, that--
And number six, genghis khan
And the back marker, king edward vii.
Back to you, wolfgang.
Thank you, eddie.
And now, time for this week's request death.
For mr. and mrs. violet steppings
Of 23 wolverston road, hull
The death of mr. bruce foster of guildford.
Oh, blimey, how time flies!
Sadly, we are reaching the end of yet another program
And so it is finale time.
We are proud to be bringing to you
One of the evergreen bucket kickers
Yes, the wonderful death of the famous english admiral nelson.
Well, good evening, everyone
And welcome to the second of our italian language classes
In which we'll be helping you brush up your italian.
Now, last week we started at the beginning
And we learned the italian for a "spoon."
Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?
si, si!
Sit down, mario-- giuseppe.
il cucchiaio.
Oh, well done, giuseppe
Or as the italians would say, molto bene, giuseppe.
grazie, signore, grazie de tutta la sua gentilezza.
Well, now, this week we're going to learn
Some useful phrases to help us
Open a conversation with an italian.
Now, first of all, try telling him where you come from.
For example, I would say, "sono inglese di gerrard's cross. "
"I am an englishman from gerrard's cross."
Shall we all try that together?
si, si!
sono inglese di gerrard's cross.
Not too bad.
Now let's try with somebody else-- mr...
Mariolini, signor.
Mr. mariolini.
And where are you from?
napoli, signor.
You're italian?
si...
si, si.
Well, in that case
You would say, "sono italiano di napoli. "
ah... capisco.
mille grazie, signore.
per fa vore, signore.
Yes?
non conosceve parliamente
signor, devo me parlo
"sono italiano di napoli" quando il habitare de milano.
che stupido!
Sorry, I don't understand.
Ah... signor, my friend is saying...
bitte, mein herr.
bitte, bitte.
was ist das wort fuer "mittelschmerz"?
Helmut, you want the german classes!
Oh... danke schoen.
Ah, das deutschen klassenzimmer.
Ach!
My friend, he say, he say, "why must I say
'i am italian from napoli'?"
When he lives in milan.
Ah... well, tell your friend if he lives in milan
He must say, "sono italiano di milano. "
eh, milano e tanto meglio di napoli!
che cosa?
si, I milanesi sono i megli nel mondo!
He say, "milan is better than napoli."
Well, he shouldn't be saying that.
We haven't done comparatives yet.
Yes, mothers, new improved whizzo butter
Containing 10% more less
Is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab.
Remember, buy whizzo butter and go to heaven!
I can't tell the difference
Between whizzo butter and this dead crab.
Yes, you know, we find
That nine out of ten british housewives
Can't tell the difference
Between whizzo butter and a dead crab.
It's true.
It's true, we can't.
You're on television, aren't you?
Yes, yes.
He does that thing with those silly women
Who can't tell the difference
Between whizzo butter and a dead crab.
Oh, yes.
You try that around here, young man
And we'll slit your face.
Yes, with a razor.
Hello, good evening, and welcome
To another edition of "it's the arts."
We kick off tonight with the cinema.
Good evening.
One of the most prolific of film producers
Of this age, or indeed any age
Is sir edward ross.
Back in this country
For the first time for five years
To open a season of his works
At the national film theater.
And we are very fortunate to have him
With us here in the studio this evening.
Good evening.
Edward-- you don't mind if I call you edward.
No, not at all.
Only it does worry some people--
I don't know why-- perhaps they're a little sensitive
So I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions.
Oh, no, that's fine.
So "edward" is all right.
Splendid, splendid.
Sorry to have brought it up.
No, no, "edward" it is.
Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful
Only it's more than my job's worth to, er...
Quite, yes.
Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport
To put the other person at their ease.
Quite.
Yes, silly little point
But it does seem to matter.
Still... less said the better.
Um... ted, when you first started in the...
You don't mind if I call you ted?
No, no, no.
Everyone calls me ted.
Well, it's shorter, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
And much less formal.
Ted, edward, anything.
Splendid, splendid.
Incidentally, do call me tom.
I don't want you playing around
With any of this "thomas" nonsense.
Now, where were we?
Eddie-baby, when you first...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I don't like
Being called eddie-baby.
I'm sorry?
I don't like being called eddie-baby.
Did I call you eddie-baby?
Yes, you did.
Now get on with it.
I don't think I did call you eddie-baby.
You did call me eddie-baby.
Did I call him eddie-baby?
Yes! no!
I didn't really call you eddie-baby
Did i, sweetie?
Don't call me sweetie!
Can I call you sugar plum?
No!
Pussycat? no!
Angel-drawers?
No, you may not!
Now, get on with it.
Frank.
What?
Can I call you frank?
Why frank?
It's a nice name.
Robin day's got a hedgehog called frank.
What's going on?
Frannie, little frannie, frannie knickers.
No, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving-- I'm off.
Tell us about your latest film, sir edward.
What?
Tell us about your latest film
If you'd be so kind, sir edward.
None of this "pussycat" nonsense?
Promise.
Please, sir edward.
My latest film?
Yes, sir edward.
Well, the idea, funnily enough, came from an idea I had
When I first joined the industry in 1919.
Of course, in those days, I was only a tea boy.
Oh, shut up!
Sir edward... ross.
Now, later in the program
We'll be bringing you a unique event
In the world of modern art.
Pablo picasso will be doing a special painting for us
On this program... live, on a bicycle.
This is the first time
That picasso has painted while cycling.
But right now it's time to look at a man whose meteoric rise...
Last week the royal festival hall saw
The first performance of a new symphony
By one of the world's leading modern composers
Arthur "two sheds" jackson.
Mr. jackson.
Good evening.
May I just sidetrack you For one moment, mr. jackson?
This-- what shall I call it?-- nickname of yours...
Oh, yes.
Two sheds.
How did you come by it?
Well, I don't use it myself.
It's just a few of my friends call me "two sheds."
I see.
And do you in fact have two sheds?
No, I've only one shed.
I've had one for some time.
But a few years ago I said I was thinking
Of getting another one, and since then
Some people have called me "two sheds."
In spite of the fact that you have only one.
Yes.
I see... and are you thinking
Of purchasing a second shed?
No.
To bring you in line with your epithet?
No.
I see, I see.
Well, let's return to your symphony.
Did you write this symphony
In the shed?
No.
Have you written
Any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
No, it's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed.
I see.
And you're thinking of buying this second shed
To write in?
No, no, look... this shed business
It doesn't really matter at all.
The sheds aren't important.
It's just a few friends call me "two sheds"
And that's all there is to it.
I wish you'd ask me about me music.
I'm a composer.
People always ask me about the sheds.
They've got it out of proportion.
I'm fed up with the sheds.
I wish I'd never got it in the first place.
I expect you're probably thinking of selling one.
I will sell one.
Then you'd be arthur "no sheds" jackson.
Look, forget about the sheds-- they don't matter.
Mr. jackson, I think, with respect
We ought to talk about your symphony.
What?
Apparently your symphony was written
For organ and timpani.
What's that?
What's what?
It's a shed-- get it off.
All right.
Now, then, mr. jackson...
Your symphony.
I understand that you used...
That you used to be interested in trainspotting.
What?
I understand
That about 30 years ago
You were extremely interested in trainspotting.
What's that got to do with my bloody music?
Are you having
Any trouble from him?
Yes, a little.
Well, we interviewers are more than a match
For the likes of you, two sheds.
Yes, make yourself scarce, two sheds.
This studio isn't big enough
For the three of us.
Get your own arts program, you fairy.
Arthur "two sheds" jackson.
Never mind, timmy.
Oh, michael, you're such a comfort.
Arthur "two sheds"...
Jackson.
And now for more news of the momentous artistic event
When pablo picasso is doing
A specially commissioned painting for us
Whilst riding a bicycle.
Pablo picasso, the founder of modern art
Without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever
For the first time painting in motion.
But first of all
Let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.
Well, picasso will be starting, david, at chichester here.
He'll then cycle on the a29 to fontwell.
He'll then take the a272, which will bring him on to the a3
Just north of hindhead here.
From then on, pablo has a straight run on the a3
Until he meets the south circular at battersea here.
Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion.
It's the first time
That a modern artist of such stature has taken the a272.
And it'll be very interesting to see
How he copes with the heavy traffic
Round the wisborough green-- vicky.
Well, picasso will be riding his viking super roadster
With the drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel rims.
And with his wiley-prat 20-to-1 synchro-mesh
He should experience difficulties
On the sort of road surfaces
They just don't get abroad-- mitzie.
And now for the latest report on picasso's progress
Over to reg moss on the guildford bypass.
Well, there's no sign of picasso at the moment, david
But he should be through here at any moment.
However, I do have with me
Mr. ron geppo, british cycling sprint champion
And this year's winner
Of the derby doncaster rally.
Well, reg, I think pablo should be all right
Provided he doesn't attempt anything
On the monumental scale
Of some of his earlier paintings
Like guernica or mademoiselles d'avignon
Or even his later war and peace murals
For the temple of peace chapel at vallauris
Because with this strong head wind, I don't think
Even doug timpson of manchester harriers
Could paint anything on that kind of scale.
Well, thank you, ron.
Well, there still seems to be no sign of picasso
So I'll hand you back to the studio.
Well, we've just heard
That picasso is approaching the tolworth roundabout on the a3.
So come in, sam trench at tolworth.
Well, something certainly is happening here
At tolworth roundabout, david.
I can now see picasso.
He's cycling down very hard
Towards the roundabout.
He's about 75, 50 yards away
And I can now see his painting.
It's an abstract.
I can see some blue, some purple
Some little black oval shapes.
I think I can see...
That's not picasso.
That's kandinsky.
Good lord, you're right!
It's kandinsky, wasily kandinsky!
And who's this here with him?
It's braque, georges braque of the cubists
Painting a bird in flight over a cornfield
And going very fast down the hill
Towards kingston.
And piet mondrian just behind
Piet mondrian the neoplasticist...
Then a gap, then the main bunch.
Here they come: chagall, max ernst, miro, dufy
Ben nicholson, jackson pollock
And bernard buffet making a break
On the outside here.
Brancusi's going with him.
So is gericault, fernand leger, delaunay
De kooning... kokoschka's dropping back here
By a little bit
And so's paul klee dropping back a bit
And, right at the back of this group
Our very own kurt schwitters.
Schwitters is german.
As yet absolutely no sign of pablo picasso.
And so, from tolworth roundabout
Back to the studio.
Well, I think I can help you there, sam.
We're getting reports in from the a.a. that picasso...
Picasso has fallen off!
He's fallen off his bicycle on the b2127 just outside ewhurst
Trying to get a shortcut through to dorking
Via gomslake and peashall.
Well, picasso is reported to be unhurt
But the pig has a slight headache.
And on that note, we must say good night to you.
Picasso has failed
In his first bid for international cycling fame.
So from all of us here at the it's the arts studio
It's good night. good night.
Hold it.
Sit up.
Sit up!
Sit up.
Ooh!
Shh... there's somebody out there.
Huh?
Blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Help, help me, I'm trapped in this body.
Oh, please, help me out!
Help me, oh, please, help me out.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah.
I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!
Hmm... just checkin'.
Just checkin'.
Oh, no you don't.
Ooh!
Shh... somebody out there.
Dobson's bought it, sir.
Porker, eh?
Swine.
This man is ernest scribbler, writer of jokes.
In a few moments
He will have written the funniest joke in the world
And, as a consequence, he will die laughing.
It was obvious that this joke was lethal.
No one could read it and live.
This morning, shortly after 11:00
Comedy struck this little house in dibley road.
Sudden, violent comedy.
Police have sealed off the area
And scotland yard's crack inspector is with me now.
I shall enter the house
And attempt to remove the joke.
I shall be aided
By the sound of somber music
Played on gramophone records
And also by the chanting of laments
By the men of "q" division.
The atmosphere thus created should protect me
In the eventuality of me reading the joke.
Well, there goes a brave man.
Whether he comes out alive or not
This will surely be remembered
As one of the most courageous and gallant acts
In police history.
It was not long before the army became interested
In the military potential of the killer joke.
Under top security, the joke was hurried
To a meeting of allied commanders
At the ministry of war.
Top brass were impressed.
Tests on salisbury plain confirmed
The joke's devastating effectiveness
At a range of up to 50 yards.
Fantastic.
All through the winter of '43
We had translators working in joke-proof conditions
To try and produce a german version of the joke.
They worked on one word each for greater safety.
One of them saw two words of the joke
And spent several weeks in hospital.
But apart from that, things went pretty quickly
And we soon had the joke by january
In a form which our troops couldn't understand
But which the germans could.
So on july 8, 1944
The joke was first told to the enemy in the ardennes.
Squad, get ready joke!
Squad, tell the joke!
wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
It was a fantastic success
Over 60,000 times as powerful as britain's great prewar joke
And one which hitler just couldn't match.
insbesondere keiner mehr der in deutschland leben wird...
wir sind des reiches junge mannschaft!
eure schule.
In action, it was deadly.
wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund...
wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund...
...nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
German casualties were appalling.
What is the big joke?
I can only give you a name, rank
And "why did the chicken cross the road?"
That's not funny.
I want to know the joke!
All right.
How do you make a nazi cross?
I don't know.
How do you make a nazi cross?
Tread on his corns.
gott im himmel!
That's not funny!
Now, if you don't tell me the joke
I shall hit you properly.
I can stand physical pain, you know.
ach, you're no fun!
All right, otto!
Oh, no-- no, anything but that, please.
Tickle him.
All right, I'll tell you.
Quick-- otto, the typewriter!
wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
That's not funny!
die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
was ist, was gibt's?
wenn ist das nunstuck
geht und slotermeyer?
ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!
Hmm?
In peenemunde in the autumn of '44
The germans were working on a joke of their own.
die ist ein kinderhunder
und zwei mackeluber
und bitte schon ist den wunderhaus sprechen sie.
"nein, "zweckt der herren.
"istauf'n borger mitzweitingen. "
We'll let you know.
But by december, their joke was ready.
And hitler gave the order
For the german v-joke to be broadcast in english.
There were zwei peanuts walking down the strasse
and one was assaulted... peanut.
In 1945, peace broke out.
It was the end of the joke.
Joke warfare was banned
At a special session of the geneva convention, and in 1950
The last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest
Here in the berkshire countryside
Never to be told again.
And here is the final score: pigs 9, british bipeds 4.
The pigs go on to meet vicki carr in the final.