1 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,084 It's... 2 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,122 Good evening. 3 00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:51,712 Hello again, and welcome to the show. 4 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:56,383 Tonight, we continue to look at some famous deaths. 5 00:01:56,450 --> 00:02:00,120 Tonight we start with the wonderful death 6 00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:03,457 Of genghis khan, conqueror of india. 7 00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:05,459 Take it away, genghis. 8 00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:29,950 9.1, 9.3, 9.7. 9 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:33,187 That's 28.1 for genghis khan. 10 00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:34,721 Bad luck, genghis. 11 00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:37,291 Nice to have you on the show. 12 00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:39,793 And now, here are the scores. 13 00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:42,029 Well, you can see the scores now. 14 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:45,232 St. stephen in the lead there with his stoning. 15 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,435 Then comes king richard iii at bosworth field-- 16 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,803 A grand death, that-- 17 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,905 Then the very lovely jean d'arc. 18 00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,574 Then marat, in his bath-- 19 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:57,377 Best of friends with charlotte in the showers afterwards. 20 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,580 Then a. lincoln of the u.s. of a.-- 21 00:02:59,646 --> 00:03:01,281 A grand little chap, that-- 22 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,217 And number six, genghis khan 23 00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:05,719 And the back marker, king edward vii. 24 00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,354 Back to you, wolfgang. 25 00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:09,122 Thank you, eddie. 26 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:13,627 And now, time for this week's request death. 27 00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:16,964 For mr. and mrs. violet steppings 28 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:19,766 Of 23 wolverston road, hull 29 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:24,204 The death of mr. bruce foster of guildford. 30 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:35,349 Oh, blimey, how time flies! 31 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:39,853 Sadly, we are reaching the end of yet another program 32 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,022 And so it is finale time. 33 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:45,392 We are proud to be bringing to you 34 00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:48,795 One of the evergreen bucket kickers 35 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:55,068 Yes, the wonderful death of the famous english admiral nelson. 36 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,953 Well, good evening, everyone 37 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:16,323 And welcome to the second of our italian language classes 38 00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:19,326 In which we'll be helping you brush up your italian. 39 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,762 Now, last week we started at the beginning 40 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,164 And we learned the italian for a "spoon." 41 00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:27,568 Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was? 42 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,303 si, si! 43 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:30,971 Sit down, mario-- giuseppe. 44 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:32,472 il cucchiaio. 45 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:33,907 Oh, well done, giuseppe 46 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:37,010 Or as the italians would say, molto bene, giuseppe. 47 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:39,746 grazie, signore, grazie de tutta la sua gentilezza. 48 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,751 Well, now, this week we're going to learn 49 00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,087 Some useful phrases to help us 50 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,456 Open a conversation with an italian. 51 00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:52,626 Now, first of all, try telling him where you come from. 52 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:56,263 For example, I would say, "sono inglese di gerrard's cross. " 53 00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:58,732 "I am an englishman from gerrard's cross." 54 00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:00,667 Shall we all try that together? 55 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,669 si, si! 56 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:06,707 sono inglese di gerrard's cross. 57 00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:07,975 Not too bad. 58 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,310 Now let's try with somebody else-- mr... 59 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,144 Mariolini, signor. 60 00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,145 Mr. mariolini. 61 00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,146 And where are you from? 62 00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:14,181 napoli, signor. 63 00:05:14,248 --> 00:05:15,349 You're italian? 64 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:16,383 si... 65 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:17,384 si, si. 66 00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:18,752 Well, in that case 67 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:22,089 You would say, "sono italiano di napoli. " 68 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,090 ah... capisco. 69 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,157 mille grazie, signore. 70 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,192 per fa vore, signore. 71 00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:26,226 Yes? 72 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:27,828 non conosceve parliamente 73 00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,496 signor, devo me parlo 74 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,399 "sono italiano di napoli" quando il habitare de milano. 75 00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:33,567 che stupido! 76 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,002 Sorry, I don't understand. 77 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:38,138 Ah... signor, my friend is saying... 78 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,640 bitte, mein herr. 79 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:40,908 bitte, bitte. 80 00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:43,944 was ist das wort fuer "mittelschmerz"? 81 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,779 Helmut, you want the german classes! 82 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,381 Oh... danke schoen. 83 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:50,184 Ah, das deutschen klassenzimmer. 84 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:51,185 Ach! 85 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,390 My friend, he say, he say, "why must I say 86 00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:58,525 'i am italian from napoli'?" 87 00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:00,527 When he lives in milan. 88 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:03,997 Ah... well, tell your friend if he lives in milan 89 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,900 He must say, "sono italiano di milano. " 90 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,303 eh, milano e tanto meglio di napoli! 91 00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:11,205 che cosa? 92 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:13,073 si, I milanesi sono i megli nel mondo! 93 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:16,009 He say, "milan is better than napoli." 94 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,311 Well, he shouldn't be saying that. 95 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:18,545 We haven't done comparatives yet. 96 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,046 Yes, mothers, new improved whizzo butter 97 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,448 Containing 10% more less 98 00:06:54,481 --> 00:06:57,117 Is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab. 99 00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:00,521 Remember, buy whizzo butter and go to heaven! 100 00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,325 I can't tell the difference 101 00:07:05,359 --> 00:07:07,694 Between whizzo butter and this dead crab. 102 00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:08,896 Yes, you know, we find 103 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,098 That nine out of ten british housewives 104 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,599 Can't tell the difference 105 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,701 Between whizzo butter and a dead crab. 106 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:15,903 It's true. 107 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,037 It's true, we can't. 108 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:22,276 You're on television, aren't you? 109 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:23,510 Yes, yes. 110 00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,147 He does that thing with those silly women 111 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,682 Who can't tell the difference 112 00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,717 Between whizzo butter and a dead crab. 113 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:31,818 Oh, yes. 114 00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,587 You try that around here, young man 115 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:34,922 And we'll slit your face. 116 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:38,258 Yes, with a razor. 117 00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,198 Hello, good evening, and welcome 118 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,533 To another edition of "it's the arts." 119 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:49,002 We kick off tonight with the cinema. 120 00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,304 Good evening. 121 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,407 One of the most prolific of film producers 122 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,742 Of this age, or indeed any age 123 00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:57,211 Is sir edward ross. 124 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:58,212 Back in this country 125 00:07:58,278 --> 00:07:59,913 For the first time for five years 126 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,448 To open a season of his works 127 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,916 At the national film theater. 128 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,818 And we are very fortunate to have him 129 00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:06,887 With us here in the studio this evening. 130 00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:08,655 Good evening. 131 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,124 Edward-- you don't mind if I call you edward. 132 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,292 No, not at all. 133 00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,727 Only it does worry some people-- 134 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,796 I don't know why-- perhaps they're a little sensitive 135 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:18,165 So I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions. 136 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:19,700 Oh, no, that's fine. 137 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:20,901 So "edward" is all right. 138 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:21,935 Splendid, splendid. 139 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,137 Sorry to have brought it up. 140 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,173 No, no, "edward" it is. 141 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,076 Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful 142 00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:31,478 Only it's more than my job's worth to, er... 143 00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:33,347 Quite, yes. 144 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:35,215 Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport 145 00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:36,717 To put the other person at their ease. 146 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:37,518 Quite. 147 00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:38,652 Yes, silly little point 148 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:40,053 But it does seem to matter. 149 00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:41,588 Still... less said the better. 150 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,591 Um... ted, when you first started in the... 151 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,860 You don't mind if I call you ted? 152 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:47,861 No, no, no. 153 00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,329 Everyone calls me ted. 154 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,298 Well, it's shorter, isn't it? 155 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,299 Yes, it is. 156 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:53,400 And much less formal. 157 00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:54,601 Ted, edward, anything. 158 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:55,636 Splendid, splendid. 159 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,204 Incidentally, do call me tom. 160 00:08:57,271 --> 00:08:58,872 I don't want you playing around 161 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,707 With any of this "thomas" nonsense. 162 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,310 Now, where were we? 163 00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:05,679 Eddie-baby, when you first... 164 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:06,680 I'm sorry. 165 00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,215 I'm sorry, I don't like 166 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:09,983 Being called eddie-baby. 167 00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:12,386 I'm sorry? 168 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,421 I don't like being called eddie-baby. 169 00:09:14,488 --> 00:09:15,923 Did I call you eddie-baby? 170 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:16,924 Yes, you did. 171 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,025 Now get on with it. 172 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,194 I don't think I did call you eddie-baby. 173 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,695 You did call me eddie-baby. 174 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,130 Did I call him eddie-baby? 175 00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,365 Yes! no! 176 00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,367 I didn't really call you eddie-baby 177 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:28,368 Did i, sweetie? 178 00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:29,703 Don't call me sweetie! 179 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,138 Can I call you sugar plum? 180 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:31,805 No! 181 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:32,840 Pussycat? no! 182 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:33,841 Angel-drawers? 183 00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:34,641 No, you may not! 184 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:35,642 Now, get on with it. 185 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:36,243 Frank. 186 00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:36,743 What? 187 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:37,611 Can I call you frank? 188 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:38,345 Why frank? 189 00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,881 It's a nice name. 190 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,350 Robin day's got a hedgehog called frank. 191 00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:44,852 What's going on? 192 00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,454 Frannie, little frannie, frannie knickers. 193 00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:48,488 No, I'm leaving. 194 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,723 I'm leaving-- I'm off. 195 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,359 Tell us about your latest film, sir edward. 196 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:53,560 What? 197 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,629 Tell us about your latest film 198 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,931 If you'd be so kind, sir edward. 199 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,635 None of this "pussycat" nonsense? 200 00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:02,636 Promise. 201 00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:03,871 Please, sir edward. 202 00:10:06,507 --> 00:10:07,474 My latest film? 203 00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:08,675 Yes, sir edward. 204 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:14,348 Well, the idea, funnily enough, came from an idea I had 205 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:17,251 When I first joined the industry in 1919. 206 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,587 Of course, in those days, I was only a tea boy. 207 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:23,090 Oh, shut up! 208 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,459 Sir edward... ross. 209 00:10:25,526 --> 00:10:27,194 Now, later in the program 210 00:10:27,261 --> 00:10:29,663 We'll be bringing you a unique event 211 00:10:29,696 --> 00:10:31,532 In the world of modern art. 212 00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:35,135 Pablo picasso will be doing a special painting for us 213 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,671 On this program... live, on a bicycle. 214 00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:39,006 This is the first time 215 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:41,341 That picasso has painted while cycling. 216 00:10:41,375 --> 00:10:45,145 But right now it's time to look at a man whose meteoric rise... 217 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,626 Last week the royal festival hall saw 218 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:02,229 The first performance of a new symphony 219 00:11:02,296 --> 00:11:05,365 By one of the world's leading modern composers 220 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,234 Arthur "two sheds" jackson. 221 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,569 Mr. jackson. 222 00:11:08,602 --> 00:11:09,736 Good evening. 223 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,739 May I just sidetrack you For one moment, mr. jackson? 224 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,776 This-- what shall I call it?-- nickname of yours... 225 00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:16,643 Oh, yes. 226 00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:17,644 Two sheds. 227 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,413 How did you come by it? 228 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,348 Well, I don't use it myself. 229 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:24,785 It's just a few of my friends call me "two sheds." 230 00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:25,786 I see. 231 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,055 And do you in fact have two sheds? 232 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,489 No, I've only one shed. 233 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,124 I've had one for some time. 234 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,727 But a few years ago I said I was thinking 235 00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:36,129 Of getting another one, and since then 236 00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:38,599 Some people have called me "two sheds." 237 00:11:38,632 --> 00:11:41,068 In spite of the fact that you have only one. 238 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:41,969 Yes. 239 00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:43,637 I see... and are you thinking 240 00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:45,172 Of purchasing a second shed? 241 00:11:45,239 --> 00:11:46,907 No. 242 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,442 To bring you in line with your epithet? 243 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:49,176 No. 244 00:11:49,243 --> 00:11:50,244 I see, I see. 245 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,713 Well, let's return to your symphony. 246 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:55,883 Did you write this symphony 247 00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:56,917 In the shed? 248 00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:57,918 No. 249 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,119 Have you written 250 00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:01,688 Any of your recent works in this shed of yours? 251 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,291 No, it's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed. 252 00:12:04,358 --> 00:12:05,759 I see. 253 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:08,762 And you're thinking of buying this second shed 254 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:09,763 To write in? 255 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,632 No, no, look... this shed business 256 00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,300 It doesn't really matter at all. 257 00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:14,768 The sheds aren't important. 258 00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:17,070 It's just a few friends call me "two sheds" 259 00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:18,639 And that's all there is to it. 260 00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:20,440 I wish you'd ask me about me music. 261 00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:21,508 I'm a composer. 262 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,343 People always ask me about the sheds. 263 00:12:23,377 --> 00:12:24,945 They've got it out of proportion. 264 00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:26,213 I'm fed up with the sheds. 265 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,615 I wish I'd never got it in the first place. 266 00:12:28,649 --> 00:12:31,051 I expect you're probably thinking of selling one. 267 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,286 I will sell one. 268 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,021 Then you'd be arthur "no sheds" jackson. 269 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,290 Look, forget about the sheds-- they don't matter. 270 00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:37,791 Mr. jackson, I think, with respect 271 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,459 We ought to talk about your symphony. 272 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,694 What? 273 00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:42,629 Apparently your symphony was written 274 00:12:42,663 --> 00:12:43,764 For organ and timpani. 275 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:44,731 What's that? 276 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:45,766 What's what? 277 00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:47,367 It's a shed-- get it off. 278 00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:53,674 All right. 279 00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:55,776 Now, then, mr. jackson... 280 00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,044 Your symphony. 281 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,946 I understand that you used... 282 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:02,082 That you used to be interested in trainspotting. 283 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:03,116 What? 284 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,284 I understand 285 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,719 That about 30 years ago 286 00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:08,222 You were extremely interested in trainspotting. 287 00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:10,591 What's that got to do with my bloody music? 288 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:11,592 Are you having 289 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:12,693 Any trouble from him? 290 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:13,894 Yes, a little. 291 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,896 Well, we interviewers are more than a match 292 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,397 For the likes of you, two sheds. 293 00:13:17,431 --> 00:13:19,600 Yes, make yourself scarce, two sheds. 294 00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,268 This studio isn't big enough 295 00:13:21,335 --> 00:13:22,536 For the three of us. 296 00:13:22,603 --> 00:13:24,972 Get your own arts program, you fairy. 297 00:13:26,707 --> 00:13:29,243 Arthur "two sheds" jackson. 298 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,612 Never mind, timmy. 299 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:35,015 Oh, michael, you're such a comfort. 300 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:37,050 Arthur "two sheds"... 301 00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,419 Jackson. 302 00:13:39,453 --> 00:13:42,356 And now for more news of the momentous artistic event 303 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:43,857 When pablo picasso is doing 304 00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:46,059 A specially commissioned painting for us 305 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,461 Whilst riding a bicycle. 306 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,630 Pablo picasso, the founder of modern art 307 00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:52,366 Without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever 308 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,468 For the first time painting in motion. 309 00:13:54,535 --> 00:13:55,903 But first of all 310 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:58,572 Let's have a look at the route he'll be taking. 311 00:13:58,639 --> 00:14:02,509 Well, picasso will be starting, david, at chichester here. 312 00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:05,179 He'll then cycle on the a29 to fontwell. 313 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:09,183 He'll then take the a272, which will bring him on to the a3 314 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,151 Just north of hindhead here. 315 00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:14,354 From then on, pablo has a straight run on the a3 316 00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:17,891 Until he meets the south circular at battersea here. 317 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:20,761 Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion. 318 00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:22,262 It's the first time 319 00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:26,166 That a modern artist of such stature has taken the a272. 320 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,635 And it'll be very interesting to see 321 00:14:28,669 --> 00:14:31,038 How he copes with the heavy traffic 322 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,640 Round the wisborough green-- vicky. 323 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,510 Well, picasso will be riding his viking super roadster 324 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,479 With the drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel rims. 325 00:14:39,513 --> 00:14:41,782 And with his wiley-prat 20-to-1 synchro-mesh 326 00:14:41,815 --> 00:14:43,483 He should experience difficulties 327 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,018 On the sort of road surfaces 328 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,920 They just don't get abroad-- mitzie. 329 00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,590 And now for the latest report on picasso's progress 330 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,758 Over to reg moss on the guildford bypass. 331 00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:54,461 Well, there's no sign of picasso at the moment, david 332 00:14:54,528 --> 00:14:56,697 But he should be through here at any moment. 333 00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:58,098 However, I do have with me 334 00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,434 Mr. ron geppo, british cycling sprint champion 335 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:01,502 And this year's winner 336 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,003 Of the derby doncaster rally. 337 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,038 Well, reg, I think pablo should be all right 338 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,707 Provided he doesn't attempt anything 339 00:15:06,807 --> 00:15:07,841 On the monumental scale 340 00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,376 Of some of his earlier paintings 341 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,378 Like guernica or mademoiselles d'avignon 342 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,280 Or even his later war and peace murals 343 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,282 For the temple of peace chapel at vallauris 344 00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:17,551 Because with this strong head wind, I don't think 345 00:15:17,618 --> 00:15:19,453 Even doug timpson of manchester harriers 346 00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:21,488 Could paint anything on that kind of scale. 347 00:15:21,555 --> 00:15:22,890 Well, thank you, ron. 348 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:25,626 Well, there still seems to be no sign of picasso 349 00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,694 So I'll hand you back to the studio. 350 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,229 Well, we've just heard 351 00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:32,466 That picasso is approaching the tolworth roundabout on the a3. 352 00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:34,201 So come in, sam trench at tolworth. 353 00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:36,203 Well, something certainly is happening here 354 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,638 At tolworth roundabout, david. 355 00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:38,639 I can now see picasso. 356 00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:39,907 He's cycling down very hard 357 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,008 Towards the roundabout. 358 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,376 He's about 75, 50 yards away 359 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:43,777 And I can now see his painting. 360 00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:44,778 It's an abstract. 361 00:15:44,878 --> 00:15:46,313 I can see some blue, some purple 362 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:47,714 Some little black oval shapes. 363 00:15:47,748 --> 00:15:48,715 I think I can see... 364 00:15:48,749 --> 00:15:49,716 That's not picasso. 365 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:50,751 That's kandinsky. 366 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,019 Good lord, you're right! 367 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,954 It's kandinsky, wasily kandinsky! 368 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,522 And who's this here with him? 369 00:15:55,589 --> 00:15:57,758 It's braque, georges braque of the cubists 370 00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,093 Painting a bird in flight over a cornfield 371 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,929 And going very fast down the hill 372 00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:02,930 Towards kingston. 373 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:04,498 And piet mondrian just behind 374 00:16:04,565 --> 00:16:06,466 Piet mondrian the neoplasticist... 375 00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,268 Then a gap, then the main bunch. 376 00:16:08,302 --> 00:16:10,804 Here they come: chagall, max ernst, miro, dufy 377 00:16:10,871 --> 00:16:12,472 Ben nicholson, jackson pollock 378 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,374 And bernard buffet making a break 379 00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:15,475 On the outside here. 380 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:16,944 Brancusi's going with him. 381 00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:19,146 So is gericault, fernand leger, delaunay 382 00:16:19,213 --> 00:16:21,682 De kooning... kokoschka's dropping back here 383 00:16:21,715 --> 00:16:22,716 By a little bit 384 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,852 And so's paul klee dropping back a bit 385 00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:26,887 And, right at the back of this group 386 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,455 Our very own kurt schwitters. 387 00:16:28,522 --> 00:16:30,324 Schwitters is german. 388 00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:34,261 As yet absolutely no sign of pablo picasso. 389 00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:37,030 And so, from tolworth roundabout 390 00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,699 Back to the studio. 391 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,439 Well, I think I can help you there, sam. 392 00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:48,542 We're getting reports in from the a.a. that picasso... 393 00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:50,143 Picasso has fallen off! 394 00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:53,714 He's fallen off his bicycle on the b2127 just outside ewhurst 395 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,250 Trying to get a shortcut through to dorking 396 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:57,784 Via gomslake and peashall. 397 00:16:57,885 --> 00:17:00,020 Well, picasso is reported to be unhurt 398 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:02,055 But the pig has a slight headache. 399 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:04,892 And on that note, we must say good night to you. 400 00:17:04,925 --> 00:17:06,293 Picasso has failed 401 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,729 In his first bid for international cycling fame. 402 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:11,365 So from all of us here at the it's the arts studio 403 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:12,566 It's good night. good night. 404 00:17:22,843 --> 00:17:24,211 Hold it. 405 00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:27,681 Sit up. 406 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:28,682 Sit up! 407 00:17:31,285 --> 00:17:33,020 Sit up! 408 00:17:36,290 --> 00:17:37,958 Sit up. 409 00:17:45,599 --> 00:17:48,001 Ooh! 410 00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:55,342 Shh... there's somebody out there. 411 00:17:55,409 --> 00:17:57,744 Huh? 412 00:17:57,778 --> 00:18:03,851 Blah blah blah blah blah blah. 413 00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,186 Help, help me, I'm trapped in this body. 414 00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:07,421 Oh, please, help me out! 415 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:18,198 Help me, oh, please, help me out. 416 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:22,035 Blah blah blah blah blah blah. 417 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,711 I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! 418 00:18:41,522 --> 00:18:44,324 Hmm... just checkin'. 419 00:18:44,358 --> 00:18:46,326 Just checkin'. 420 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:58,539 Oh, no you don't. 421 00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,534 Ooh! 422 00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:32,139 Shh... somebody out there. 423 00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,410 Dobson's bought it, sir. 424 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,513 Porker, eh? 425 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:13,647 Swine. 426 00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:21,021 This man is ernest scribbler, writer of jokes. 427 00:20:21,088 --> 00:20:22,456 In a few moments 428 00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:26,426 He will have written the funniest joke in the world 429 00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:29,830 And, as a consequence, he will die laughing. 430 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:57,558 It was obvious that this joke was lethal. 431 00:20:57,591 --> 00:20:59,626 No one could read it and live. 432 00:21:23,317 --> 00:21:25,586 This morning, shortly after 11:00 433 00:21:25,619 --> 00:21:28,922 Comedy struck this little house in dibley road. 434 00:21:28,956 --> 00:21:30,557 Sudden, violent comedy. 435 00:21:30,624 --> 00:21:32,759 Police have sealed off the area 436 00:21:32,893 --> 00:21:36,496 And scotland yard's crack inspector is with me now. 437 00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:41,134 I shall enter the house 438 00:21:41,201 --> 00:21:43,303 And attempt to remove the joke. 439 00:21:47,074 --> 00:21:48,075 I shall be aided 440 00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:49,943 By the sound of somber music 441 00:21:49,977 --> 00:21:51,778 Played on gramophone records 442 00:21:51,812 --> 00:21:54,047 And also by the chanting of laments 443 00:21:54,114 --> 00:21:55,849 By the men of "q" division. 444 00:21:58,452 --> 00:22:01,421 The atmosphere thus created should protect me 445 00:22:01,455 --> 00:22:04,291 In the eventuality of me reading the joke. 446 00:22:24,011 --> 00:22:25,746 Well, there goes a brave man. 447 00:22:25,846 --> 00:22:27,781 Whether he comes out alive or not 448 00:22:27,881 --> 00:22:29,750 This will surely be remembered 449 00:22:29,783 --> 00:22:32,619 As one of the most courageous and gallant acts 450 00:22:32,653 --> 00:22:33,754 In police history. 451 00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:49,336 It was not long before the army became interested 452 00:22:49,369 --> 00:22:51,638 In the military potential of the killer joke. 453 00:22:51,672 --> 00:22:53,774 Under top security, the joke was hurried 454 00:22:53,874 --> 00:22:55,342 To a meeting of allied commanders 455 00:22:55,409 --> 00:22:57,377 At the ministry of war. 456 00:23:15,495 --> 00:23:17,431 Top brass were impressed. 457 00:23:17,464 --> 00:23:19,366 Tests on salisbury plain confirmed 458 00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:21,368 The joke's devastating effectiveness 459 00:23:21,435 --> 00:23:23,103 At a range of up to 50 yards. 460 00:23:55,269 --> 00:23:57,604 Fantastic. 461 00:23:57,638 --> 00:23:59,673 All through the winter of '43 462 00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:03,343 We had translators working in joke-proof conditions 463 00:24:03,410 --> 00:24:06,747 To try and produce a german version of the joke. 464 00:24:06,847 --> 00:24:10,250 They worked on one word each for greater safety. 465 00:24:10,284 --> 00:24:12,886 One of them saw two words of the joke 466 00:24:12,953 --> 00:24:15,422 And spent several weeks in hospital. 467 00:24:15,489 --> 00:24:18,725 But apart from that, things went pretty quickly 468 00:24:18,859 --> 00:24:21,328 And we soon had the joke by january 469 00:24:21,361 --> 00:24:24,631 In a form which our troops couldn't understand 470 00:24:24,665 --> 00:24:26,867 But which the germans could. 471 00:24:32,906 --> 00:24:35,209 So on july 8, 1944 472 00:24:35,242 --> 00:24:39,713 The joke was first told to the enemy in the ardennes. 473 00:24:44,585 --> 00:24:47,054 Squad, get ready joke! 474 00:24:49,990 --> 00:24:53,360 Squad, tell the joke! 475 00:24:53,393 --> 00:24:58,799 wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer? 476 00:24:58,866 --> 00:25:05,939 ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt! 477 00:25:32,299 --> 00:25:34,134 It was a fantastic success 478 00:25:34,168 --> 00:25:37,704 Over 60,000 times as powerful as britain's great prewar joke 479 00:25:37,771 --> 00:25:40,541 And one which hitler just couldn't match. 480 00:25:40,607 --> 00:25:45,746 insbesondere keiner mehr der in deutschland leben wird... 481 00:25:45,879 --> 00:25:49,883 wir sind des reiches junge mannschaft! 482 00:25:49,950 --> 00:25:51,618 eure schule. 483 00:25:51,685 --> 00:25:54,521 In action, it was deadly. 484 00:26:00,861 --> 00:26:03,564 wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer? 485 00:26:03,630 --> 00:26:04,698 ja! ba yerhund... 486 00:26:09,736 --> 00:26:14,508 wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer? 487 00:26:14,541 --> 00:26:15,976 ja! ba yerhund... 488 00:26:16,009 --> 00:26:20,047 ...nunstuck geht und slotermeyer? 489 00:26:20,113 --> 00:26:25,118 ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt! 490 00:26:29,389 --> 00:26:31,959 German casualties were appalling. 491 00:26:34,261 --> 00:26:37,431 What is the big joke? 492 00:26:37,497 --> 00:26:39,967 I can only give you a name, rank 493 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,203 And "why did the chicken cross the road?" 494 00:26:43,270 --> 00:26:44,638 That's not funny. 495 00:26:45,672 --> 00:26:48,208 I want to know the joke! 496 00:26:48,275 --> 00:26:49,877 All right. 497 00:26:49,943 --> 00:26:54,548 How do you make a nazi cross? 498 00:26:54,615 --> 00:26:55,649 I don't know. 499 00:26:55,716 --> 00:26:58,085 How do you make a nazi cross? 500 00:26:58,118 --> 00:26:59,720 Tread on his corns. 501 00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:01,722 gott im himmel! 502 00:27:01,755 --> 00:27:03,824 That's not funny! 503 00:27:08,495 --> 00:27:11,932 Now, if you don't tell me the joke 504 00:27:11,999 --> 00:27:14,535 I shall hit you properly. 505 00:27:14,601 --> 00:27:17,371 I can stand physical pain, you know. 506 00:27:17,437 --> 00:27:18,906 ach, you're no fun! 507 00:27:18,972 --> 00:27:20,274 All right, otto! 508 00:27:22,709 --> 00:27:24,912 Oh, no-- no, anything but that, please. 509 00:27:24,978 --> 00:27:25,946 Tickle him. 510 00:27:29,416 --> 00:27:31,118 All right, I'll tell you. 511 00:27:31,185 --> 00:27:33,187 Quick-- otto, the typewriter! 512 00:27:38,325 --> 00:27:42,863 wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer? 513 00:27:42,930 --> 00:27:48,268 ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt! 514 00:27:59,012 --> 00:28:03,250 That's not funny! 515 00:28:08,655 --> 00:28:11,091 die flipperwaldt gespuhrt! 516 00:28:18,866 --> 00:28:20,033 was ist, was gibt's? 517 00:28:20,100 --> 00:28:21,435 wenn ist das nunstuck 518 00:28:21,468 --> 00:28:22,569 geht und slotermeyer? 519 00:28:22,636 --> 00:28:24,671 ja! ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt! 520 00:28:24,738 --> 00:28:25,873 Hmm? 521 00:28:28,442 --> 00:28:30,611 In peenemunde in the autumn of '44 522 00:28:30,677 --> 00:28:33,146 The germans were working on a joke of their own. 523 00:28:36,650 --> 00:28:39,319 die ist ein kinderhunder 524 00:28:39,386 --> 00:28:41,688 und zwei mackeluber 525 00:28:41,722 --> 00:28:44,858 und bitte schon ist den wunderhaus sprechen sie. 526 00:28:44,925 --> 00:28:47,160 "nein, "zweckt der herren. 527 00:28:47,227 --> 00:28:50,197 "istauf'n borger mitzweitingen. " 528 00:28:54,801 --> 00:28:56,837 We'll let you know. 529 00:28:58,805 --> 00:29:01,208 But by december, their joke was ready. 530 00:29:01,241 --> 00:29:02,643 And hitler gave the order 531 00:29:02,676 --> 00:29:05,145 For the german v-joke to be broadcast in english. 532 00:29:05,212 --> 00:29:12,119 There were zwei peanuts walking down the strasse 533 00:29:12,186 --> 00:29:15,088 and one was assaulted... peanut. 534 00:29:21,361 --> 00:29:24,231 In 1945, peace broke out. 535 00:29:24,264 --> 00:29:27,367 It was the end of the joke. 536 00:29:27,434 --> 00:29:29,269 Joke warfare was banned 537 00:29:29,303 --> 00:29:33,907 At a special session of the geneva convention, and in 1950 538 00:29:33,974 --> 00:29:38,078 The last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest 539 00:29:38,145 --> 00:29:40,681 Here in the berkshire countryside 540 00:29:40,747 --> 00:29:42,616 Never to be told again. 541 00:30:40,340 --> 00:30:45,379 And here is the final score: pigs 9, british bipeds 4. 542 00:30:45,445 --> 00:30:49,516 The pigs go on to meet vicki carr in the final.