It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
The larch.
the larch.
Mr. larch, you have heard the case for the prosecution.
Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?
Well, I'd just like to say, my lord, I've...
I've got a family-- a wife and six kids--
And I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom
Because... well, because, my lord
Freedom is a state much prized
Within the realm of civilized society.
It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm
The outward hatchments of his soul
And soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet.
It is most precious as a blessed balm
The savior of princes, the harbinger of happiness.
Yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear.
What frees the prisoner
In his lonely cell
Chained within the bondage of rude walls
Far from the owl of thebes?
What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe
Or wakes the drowsy apricot betide?
What goddess doth the storm-tossed mariner
Offer most tempestuous prayers to?
Freedom!
Freedom.
It's only a bloody parking offense.
I'm sorry I'm late, my lord
I couldn't find a kosher car park.
Uh, don't bother to recap, my lord.
I'll pick it up as we go along.
Call mrs. fiona lewis.
I swear to tell the truth
The whole truth and nothing but the truth.
So anyway, I said... I said to her, I said
They can't afford that on what he earns.
I mean, for a start, the feathers get up your nose.
I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg?
I don't know how
She puts up with it
After all the trouble she's had
With her you-know-what.
Anyway, it was
A white wedding, much to everyone's surprise.
Of course, they bought everything on the hire purchase.
I think they ought to send it back where they come from.
I mean, you've got to be cruel to be kind.
So mrs. harris said, so she said, she said, she said
The dead crab, she said, she said.
Well, her sister's gone to rhodesia
What with her womb and all
And her youngest
Her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet
And the goldfish, the goldfish, they've got whooping cough.
They keep spitting water at the bratbys.
Well, they do, don't they?
I mean, you can't, can you?
I mean, they're not even married or anything
They're not even divorced.
And he's in the k.g.b.
If you ask me.
He says he's a tree surgeon
But I don't like the sound of his liver
All that squeaking and banging every night
Till the small hours.
Well, his mother's been much better
Since she had her head off, yes, she has.
I said, don't you talk to me about...
Don't you talk to me about bladders, I said.
Mr. bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness.
Uh, my next witness will explain that, if my lordship will allow.
I call the late arthur aldridge.
The late arthur aldridge.
The late arthur aldridge?
Yes, my lord.
Mr. bartlett, do you think there's any relevance
In questioning the deceased?
Uh, I beg your pardon, my lord.
Well, I mean, your witness is dead.
Yes, my lord... well, uh, virtually, my lord.
He's not completely dead?
No, he's not completely dead, my lord, no
But he's not at all well.
What? well, if he's not dead
What's he doing in a coffin?
It's purely precaution, my lord, if I may continue.
Uh, mr. aldridge, you were...
You are a stockbroker
Of 10 savundra close, wimbledon.
What was that knock?
It means "yes," my lord--
One knock for "yes" and two knocks for "no."
If I may continue.
Uh, mr. aldridge, would it be fair to say
That you are not at all well?
In fact, mr. aldridge
Not to put too fine a point on it
Would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were
What is generally known as, in a manner of speaking... dead?
Mr. aldridge, I put it to you that you are dead.
Aha!
Where is all this leading us?
That will become apparent in one moment, my lord.
Mr. aldridge, are you considering the question
Or are you just dead?
I think I'd better take a look, my lord.
No further questions, my lord.
What do you mean, "no further questions"?
You can't just dump a dead body in my court
And say "no further questions."
I demand an explanation.
There are no easy answers in this case, my lord.
I think you haven't got the slightest idea
What this case is about.
My lord, the... the...
The strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads
Of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue
Will shortly, my lord
Reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous.
Mr. bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty
To the parking offense.
Parking offense, schmarking offense, my lord.
We must leave no stone unturned.
Call cardinal richelieu.
Oh, you're just trying to string this case out.
Cardinal richelieu?
A character witness, my lord.
Hello, everyone.
It's wonderful to be here, you know, I just love your country.
London is so beautiful at this time of year.
You are cardinal armand du plessis de richelieu
First minister of louis xiii?
oui.
Cardinal, would it be fair to say
That you not only built up the centralized monarchy in france
But also perpetuated the religious schism in europe?
That's what they say.
And did you persecute the huguenots?
oui.
And did you take even sterner measures
Against the great catholic nobles
Who made common cause with foreign foes
In defense of their feudal independence?
I sure did that thing.
Cardinal, are you acquainted
With the defendant, harold larch?
Since I was so high.
Speaking as a cardinal of the roman catholic church
As first minister of louis xiii
And as one of the architects
Of the modern world already
Would you say that harold larch was a man of good character?
Listen, harry is a very wonderful human being.
My lord, in view of the impeccable nature
Of this character witness, may I plead for clemency?
It's only 30 shillings.
Not so fast.
Why not?
Uh... uh...
None of your smart answers.
You think you're so clever.
Well, I'm dim.
Dim? consternation, uproar!
Yes, and I have a few questions I'd like to ask
Cardinal so-called richelieu.
bonjour, monsieur dim.
So-called cardinal
I put it to you that you died
In december 1642.
That is correct.
Aha! he fell for my little trap.
Curse you, inspector dim
You are too clever for us naughty people.
And furthermore, I suggest
That you are none other than ron higgins
Professional cardinal richelieu impersonator.
It's a fair cop.
My life, you're clever, dim, he'd certainly taken me in.
It's all in a day's work.
Well, with a brilliant mind like yours, dim
You could be something other than a policeman.
Yes.
What?
If I were not in the c.i.d., something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the c.i.d., a window cleaner me.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song.
If I were not in the c.i.d., something else I'd like to be.
If I were not in the c.i.d., a window cleaner me.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long.
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a rub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song.
Hey!
If... I were not before the bar
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not a barrister, an engine driver me.
With a chuf-chuf-chuf and a chuf-chuf-chuf...
Chuf...
The larch.
the larch.
This man is no ordinary man.
This is mr. f.g. superman
To all appearances no different
From any other law-abiding citizen.
But mr. f.g. superman has a secret identity.
When trouble strikes, at any time, at any place
He is ready to become... bicycle repairman.
Hey!
There's a bicycle broken.
Up the road!
hmm... goodness
this sounds like a job for bicycle repairman.
but how to change without revealing my secret identity?
If only bicycle repairman were here.
Oh, yeah.
Wait!
I think I know where I can find him.
Look-- over there!
Bicycle repairman!
But how?
Look!
Is it a stockbroker?
Is it a quantity surveyor?
Is it a church warden?
No!
It's bicycle repairman!
Why, bicycle repairman
Thank goodness you've come.
Look.
Why, he's mending it with his own hands!
See how he uses a spanner
To tighten that nut.
Bicycle repairman, how can I ever repay you?
Well, you don't need to, guv.
It's all right.
It's all in a day's work
For bicycle repairman.
Our hero!
Yes, wherever bicycles are broken
Or menaced by international communism
Bicycle repairman is ready...
Ready to smash the communists, wipe them up...
And shove them off the face of the earth.
Mash the dirty red scum!
Kick them in the teeth where it hurts!
Kill!
Kill, kill!
Filthy bastard commies!
I hate them, I hate them!
Ah!
Tea's ready.
Coming, dear.
Hello, children, hello.
Here is this morning's story.
Are you ready?
Then we'll begin.
"one day, ricky the magic pixie went to visit daisy bumble
"in her tumble-down cottage.
"he found her in the bedroom.
"roughly, he grabbed her heavy shoulders
Pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her..."
"old nick the sea captain
"was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow.
"he loved the life of the sea
"and he loved to hang out down by the pier
Where the men dressed as ladies..."
Oh... uh...
"rumpletweezer ran the dinky tinky shop
"in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum bush
"in the shade of the magic glade down in dingly dell.
Here he sold contraceptives and..."
Discipline...
Naked...
With a melon?
benedictus benedicat
pereusum christum dominum nostrum.
benedictus benedicat...
pereusum christum dominum nostrum.
Whoo-hoo!
Hello again.
Now here's a little sketch by two boys from london town.
They've been writing for three years
And they've come up with a little number.
Here it is, it's called "restaurant sketch."
It's nice here, isn't it?
Oh, very good restaurant.
Three stars, you know.
Really?
Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madam.
And may I say what a pleasure it is
To see you here again, sir.
Oh, thank you.
Hmm, well, there you are, dear.
Just have a look there.
Anything you like?
The boeuf en croute is fantastic.
If I may suggest, sir, the pheasant a la reine--
The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Anyway, just have a look.
Take your time.
Oh, by the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork.
Could you get me another one?
I beg your pardon?
Well, it's nothing.
I've got a fork-- a little bit dirty--
Could you get me another one?
Thank you.
Oh, sir, I do apologize!
Oh, no need to apologize, doesn't worry me.
Oh, no, no, no, I do apologize!
I will fetch the headwaiter immediatement.
Oh, there's no need to do that.
Oh, no, no, I am sure the headwaiter
He will want to apologize to you himself.
I will fetch him at once.
Well, you certainly get good service here, don't you?
They really look after you, yes.
Excuse me, monsieur, madame.
It's filthy!
Gaston!-- find out who washed these up
And give them their cards immediately!
Oh, no, no...
No, better still--
Can't afford to take any chances--
Sack the entire washing-up staff!
No, look, I don't want to make any trouble.
Oh, no, please, it's no trouble.
It's quite right that you should point
These kind of things out.
Gaston-- tell the manager
What has happened immediately!
No, no, please, I don't want to cause any fuss.
Please, it's no fuss.
We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes
With your complete en joyment of the meal.
I'm sure it won't.
It was only a dirty fork.
I know, and I'm sorry!
Bitterly sorry!
But I know that no apologies I can make
Can alter the fact that in our restaurant
You have been given a dirty, filthy...
Smelly piece of cutlery!
It wasn't smelly.
It was smelly!
And obscene and disgusting!
And I hate it, I hate it!
Nasty, grubby, dirty, mangy, scrubby little fork!
Oh... oh... oh...
That will do, gilberto... gilberto.
Good evening, sir, good evening, madam.
I am the manager.
I've only just heard.
May I sit down?
Yes, of course.
I want to apologize
Humbly, deeply and sincerely about the fork.
Oh, no, please, it was only a tiny bit dirty.
Just... couldn't see it.
Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that
But I can see it.
To me it's like a mountain...
A vast bowl of pus.
It's not as bad as that.
It gets me here.
I can't give you any excuses for it, there are no excuses.
I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently
But I haven't been too well
And things aren't going very well back there.
The poor cook's son has been put away again
And poor old mrs. dalrymple, who does the washing up
Can hardly move her poor fingers
And then there's gilberto's war wound.
But they're good people and they're kind people.
Together we were beginning to get over this dark patch.
There was light at the end of the tunnel
When this...
When this... happened!
Could I get you some water?
It's the end of the road!
You bastards!
You vicious, heartless bastards!
Look what you've done to him!
He's worked his fingers to the bone
To make this place what it is
And you come in with your petty, feeble quibbling
And you grind him into the dirt!
This fine, honorable man
Whose boots you are not worthy to kiss!
Oh, it makes me mad.
Mad!
Mad.
Easy, mungo, easy.
Mad.
Mungo!
Oh, the war wound!
The wound, the wound!
It's the end!
They've destroyed him!
The end!
He's dead!
They killed him!
Revenge!
No, mungo!
Mungo!
Never kill a customer.
Oh, the wound, the wound!
The wound again!
Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife.
Oh, no, come on, no!
No, no, no, no!
Well, there we are, then, that was the restaurant sketch.
Nice little number, bit vicious in parts, but a lot of fun.
But how about that punch line, eh?
Oh, you know what I mean?
Oh, really.
Tired of that drab, boring life you lead?
Then purchase a past.
Yes, thousands of people have led
Far more interesting lives than you will ever lead.
They undoubtedly continue to lead interesting lives
Whereas you just as assuredly will not.
Bits of their lives are being made available for purchase.
For only 15 shillings
Dullards like yourself can obtain
Beautifully framed photographs of other people's lives.
Hang them in your den.
Stand them on your desk or next to your bed.
Pretend they are pictures from your past.
Hello, I'm uncle frank and family.
Mind if we stay a couple of nights?
Or a month?
Or three years?
Hello, we're uncle george and agnes.
Where's the bathroom?
Shut up!
Oh, shut up!
Oh, sorry.
Not good enough.
Good evening.
Here is the 6:00 news read by michael queen.
It's been a quiet day over most of the country
As people went back to work
After the warmest july weekend for nearly a year.
The only high spot of the weekend was the meeting
Between officials of the n.e.d.c. and the o.d.c.n.
In bradford today.
Mr. ted johnson of the n.e.d.c...
In geneva, officials of the central clearing banks
Met with herr voleschtadt of poland
To discuss non-returnable loans on a 12-year trust basis
For the construction of a new zinc-treating works
In the omsk area of krakow, near the bulestan border.
The board of trade has ratified a trade agreement
With the soviet union
For the sale of 600 low-gear electric sewing machines.
The president of the board of trade said he hoped
This would mark a new era of expansion in world trade
And a new spirit of cooperation between east and west.
There has been a substantial drop in gold reserves
During the last 12 months.
This follows a statement by the treasury
To the effect that the balance of imports situation
Had not changed dramatically over the same period.
Still no news of the national savings book
Lost by mr. charles griffiths of porthcawl
During a field expedition
To the nature reserves of swansea last july.
Mr. griffiths' wife said
That her husband was refusing to talk to the press
Until the savings certificate had been found.
In cornwall, the death has been announced today
Of the former minister without portfolio
General sir hugh marksby-smith.
Sir hugh was vice-president of the rotarian movement.
In the match between glamorgan and yorkshire
The yorkshire bowler nicholson took eight wickets
For three runs.
Glamorgan were all out for 36
And therefore won the match by an innings and seven runs.
Weather for tomorrow will be cloudy
With occasional outbreaks of rain.
That is the end of the...
The larch.
The horse chestnut.
Eric, do you think
You could recognize a larch tree?
I don't know.
What's your name?
Michael.
Michael, do you think you know
What a larch tree looks like?
I want to go home.
Bottom.
Are there any other trees
That any of you think you could recognize
From quite a long way away?
I want... sketch of eric's, please.
What?
I want to see a sketch of eric's--
"nudge, nudge."
A what? sketch?
Eric's written a...
I've written a sketch.
"nudge, nudge," eric's written.
"nudge, nudge."
Is your wife a... a goer, eh?
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge, nudge, nudge.
Know what I mean?
Say no more, know what I mean?
I beg your pardon?
Your wife... does she, uh...
Does she go, eh, eh, eh?
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge, say no more?
Well, she sometimes goes, yes.
I'll bet she does, I'll bet she does
I'll bet she does.
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge?
I'm sorry--
I don't quite follow you.
Follow me, follow me!
I like that, that's good.
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?
Are you trying to sell something?
Selling, selling, very good, very good.
Oh, wicked, wicked, you're wicked, eh?
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge?
Know what I mean, nudge, nudge?
Nudge, nudge?
Say no more!
Ah! ooh!
Your wife, is she, uh...
Is she a sport, eh?
Well, yes, she likes sport, yes.
I'll bet she does, I'll bet she does.
She's very fond of cricket
As a matter of fact.
Who isn't, eh?
Know what I mean?
Likes games, likes games?
Knew she would, knew she would, knew she would.
She's been around, eh? been around.
She's traveled.
She's from purley.
Oh, oh, say no more, say no more!
Say no more, purley!
Say no more, purley, eh?
Know what I mean, know what I mean?
Say no more.
Your wife interested in...
Photographs, eh?
Know what I mean?
"photographs?" he asked him knowingly.
Photography?
Yes, nudge, nudge, snap, snap
Grin, grin, wink, wink
Say no more.
Holiday snaps?
Could be, could be taken on a holiday
Could be, yes.
Swimming costumes, you know what I mean?
Candid photography, you know what I mean?
Nudge, nudge.
No, no, we don't have a camera.
Ah.
Still... whoa! hey?
Whoa! hey?
Look, are you insinuating something?
Oh, oh...
Yes.
Well?
Well, I mean you are
A man of the world, aren't you?
I mean, you've been there, haven't you?
I mean, you've been around, eh?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, like you've done it.
I mean, you know, you've slept with a lady.
Yes.
What's it like?
The larch.