It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Oh, good, that'll be the vet, dear.
I'd better go and let him in.
It's the vet, dear.
Very glad, indeed
You could come round, sir.
Not at all.
Now, what seems to be the problem?
You can tell me.
I'm a vet, you know.
See? tell him, dear.
Well...
It's our cat!
He doesn't do anything.
He just sits out there on the lawn.
Is he... dead?
Oh, no.
Thank god for that.
For one ghastly moment I thought I was...
Too late.
If only more people would call in the nick of time.
He just sits there
All day and every day.
And at night...
Shh! almost motionless.
We have to take his food out to him.
And his milk...
Shh! he doesn't do anything.
He just sits there.
Are you at your wit's end?
Definitely-- shh-- yes.
Hmm, I see.
Well, I think I may be able to help you.
You see...
Your cat is suffering
From what we vets haven't found a word for.
His condition is typified by total physical inertia--
Absence of interest in its ambiance--
What we vets call "environment."
Oh...
Failure to respond
To the conventional external stimuli:
A ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird.
To be blunt, your cat is in a rut.
It's the old... stockbroker syndrome
The suburban fin-de-siecle ennui
Angst, weltschmertz-- call it what you will.
Moping.
In a way, in a way.
Hmm, "moping," I must remember that.
Now, what's to be done.
Tell me, sir, have you confused your cat recently?
Well, i...
Shh! no.
Yes, well...
I think I can definitely say
That your cat badly needs to be confused.
What?
Shh! what?
Confused--
To shake it out of its state of complacency.
I'm afraid...
I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats
But I can recommend an extremely good service.
Here is their card.
Oh, "confuse-a-cat."
"confuse-a-cat, limited."
Oh.
Squad! eyes front!
Stand at ease!
Cat confusers...
Confusers... ho!
Well, men, we've got
A very difficult cat to confuse today
So let's get straight on with it, jolly good.
Thank you, sergeant.
Confusers!
Attend to the van and fetch out...
Wait for it!
Fetch out the funny things!
Move, move, move, move!
One, two, one, two
Get those funny things off!
Right, get rid of that!
Get a move on, move it.
Round about this way.
Further back, over there, leave it down.
One, two, one, two.
Confusers! fall... in!
Stage ready for confusing, sir!
Very good.
Carry on, sergeant.
Left turn!
Double march!
Right, men, confuse the... cat.
My lords, ladies and gentlemen...
I hope to god it works.
Anyway, we shall know any minute now.
Oh, I can't believe it!
Neither can i.
It's just like the old days.
He's cured.
Oh, thank you, general.
What can we ever do to repay you?
No need to, sir.
It's all in a day's work for...
Confuse-a-cat.
Have you read this, sir?
No-- oh, yes, yes, yes.
Anything to declare?
Yes-- no! no!
No, no, nothing to declare, no.
Nothing in my suitcase, no.
No watches, cameras, radio sets?
Oh, yes, four watches...
No! no! no...
No, one watch.
No! no, not even one watch.
No watches at all.
No, no watches at all.
No precision watches, no.
Which country have you been visiting, sir?
Switzerland...
No! no, not switzerland, ha!
Not switzerland.
It began with "s" but it wasn't switzerland.
Oh, what could it be?
Terribly bad memory for names.
Uh... what's the name of that country
Where they don't make watches at all?
Spain?
Spain! that's it.
Spain, yes, mmm.
The label says "zurich," sir.
Yes, well... it was spain, then.
Zurich's in switzerland, sir.
Switzerland, yeah, mmm, mmm...
Switzerland.
Yeah, mm-hmm...
Where they make the watches.
Ah! yeah...
Ooh, nice shed you've got here.
Have you got any swiss currency, sir?
No, just the watches.
Ah! just my watch.
Just my watch, uh... my watch on the currency.
I've kept a watch on the currency
And I've watched it and I haven't got any.
That come out a bit glib, didn't it?
Have you got an alarm clock in there, sir?
No, no, heavens no, no.
Just vests, ha!
Sounded a bit like an alarm clock going off.
Well, it can't have been.
It must have been a vest...
Uh... going off.
Going off.
All right!
I confess, I'm a smuggler.
This whole case is crammed full
Of swiss watches and clocks.
I've been purposely trying to deceive
Her majesty's customs and excise.
I've been a bloody fool.
I don't believe you, sir.
It's true, I'm guilty of smuggling.
Don't give me that, sir.
You couldn't smuggle a piece of grease-proofed paper
Let alone a case full of watches.
What do you mean?!
I've smuggled watches before, you know!
I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components.
You name it, I've smuggled it.
Now, move along, please.
You're wasting our time, move along, please.
Look! look at this.
Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in london
Before you ever went
To switzerland.
I wouldn't buy 2,000 clocks!
People do.
Now close her up.
Move along, please.
Go on, don't waste our time.
We're out to catch the real smugglers.
I am a real smuggler!
I'm a smuggler, everybody!
Don't you understand?
I'm a smuggler!
I'm a lawbreaker! I'm a smuggler!
Poor fellow, I think he needs help.
Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar.
Get to the search room and strip.
Well, to discuss the implications of that sketch
And to consider the moral problems
Raised by the law enforcement methods involved
We have a duck, a cat and a lizard.
Now, first of all
I'd like to put this question to you, please, lizard:
How effective do you consider the legal weapons
Employed by legal customs officers nowadays?
Well, while you're thinking about that
I'd like to bring the duck in here
And ask her, if possible
To clarify the whole question of currency restrictions
And custom regulations in the world today.
Perhaps the cat would rather answer that?
No? lizard?
No.
Well, uh...
Let's ask the man in the street what he thinks.
I am not a man, you silly billy.
I'm not in the street, you fairy!
Well, uh, speaking as a man in the street...
What was the question again?
Just how relevant
Are contemporary customs regulations
And currency restrictions
In a modern, expanding industrial economy?
Oh, never mind.
Well, I think customs men should be armed
So they can kill people carrying more than 200 cigarettes.
Well, I think that, uh... nobody who has gone abroad
Should be allowed back in the country!
I mean, uh... blimey!
Blimey!
If they're not keen enough to stay here when they're here
Why should we allow them back, huh...
At the taxpayers' expense?
I mean, be fair!
I mean, I don't eat squirrels, do i?
I mean, well, perhaps I do, one or two
But there's no law against that, is there?
It's a free country!
I mean, if I want to eat a squirrel now and again
That's my own business, isn't it?
I mean, I'm no racialist!
I...
Oh...
I think it's silly to ask a lizard what it thinks, anyway.
Why?
I mean, they should have asked margaret drabble.
Well, I think customs people are quite necessary
And I think they're doing quite a good job, really.
Check.
Door's open.
Oh, yeah.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
My name's police constable henry thatcher
And this is a raid.
I have reason to believe
That there are certain substances
On the premises.
What sort of substances, officer?
Er, certain substances.
Well, what sort of certain substances?
Er, certain substances of an illicit nature.
Could you be more specific?
I beg your pardon?
Could you be clearer?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Certain substances on the premises
To be removed for clinical tests.
Have you got anything particular in mind?
Well, what have you got?
Nothing, officer.
You are sandy camp, the actor?
Yes.
I must warn you, sir
That outside I have police dog josephine
Who is not only armed
And trained to sniff out certain substances
But is also a junkie.
What are you after?
Oh!
Oh, oh!
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh... oh!
I've...
Here is a brown paper bag
I have found on the premises.
I must confiscate this, sir
And take it with me for clinical examination.
Wait a minute.
You just got that out of your pocket.
What?
Well, what's in it anyway?
Sandwiches?
Blimey! whatever did I give the wife?
"dear bbc, east grimstead, friday...
"I feel I really must write and protest about that sketch.
"my husband, in common with a lot of people of his age, is 50.
"for how long are we to put up with these things?
Yours sincerely, e.d. debenham, mrs."
"dear freddy grisewood, bagshot, surrey.
"as a prolific letter writer
"I feel I must protest about the previous letter.
"I am nearly 60 and am quite mad.
"but I do en joy listening to the bbc home service.
"if this continues to go on unabated
"dunkirk, dark days of the war, backs to the wall
"alvar liddell, berlin airlift, moral upheaval of profumo case
"young hippies roaming the streets
"raping, looting and killing.
Yours, etcetera, brigadier arthur gormanstrop, mrs."
Well, I think they should attack things like that...
With satire.
I mean, ned sherrin.
Fair's fair.
I think people should be able to make up their own minds for me.
Well, I think they should attack
The fuddy-duddy attitudes of the lower middle classes
Which permit the establishment to survive
And keep the mores of the whole country
Back where they were in the 19th century
And the ghastly days of the presexual revolution.
Well, that's, er, very interesting
Because, er, I am, in fact, made entirely of wood.
Well, I think they should attack the lower classes
First with bombs and rockets, destroying their homes
And then when they run helpless into the streets
Mowing them down with machine guns.
And then, of course, releasing the vultures.
I know these views aren't popular
But I have never courted popularity.
I think there should be more race prejudice.
Less.
Less race prejudice.
...and several butcher's aprons.
In fulham this morning, a jeweler's shop was broken into
And jewelry to the value of £2,000 stolen.
Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview.
The man is in his late 20s
Wearing a gray suit, a white shirt and a floral tie.
Will anyone who sees this man
Or can give any information about his whereabouts
Contact their nearest police station?
Ah...
Oh, we've just heard that police have detained
The man they wished to interview
In connection with the jewel robbery.
But after questioning
Police have ruled him out of their inquiries
And released him.
Sport.
Ah, they say, however, that acting on his information
They now wish to interview a newsreader
In the central london area.
Police are concentrating their inquiries
On the british broadcasting associ...
Excuse me a minute.
We understand a man is now helping police
With their inquiries.
And that is the end of the news.
And now, "match of the day."
Uh, I'm terribly sorry.
It's not, in fact, "match of the day."
It is, in fact, edited highlights
Of tonight's romantic movie.
Uh... sorry.
Ooh! I'm sorry.
On bbc2, joan bakewell will be talking to michael dean
About what makes exciting television.
Ah, sorry about all that.
And now, back to the movie.
Oh, bevis.
Oh, darling.
Oh, should we?
Why not?
Oh!
Be gentle with me.
Oh, bevis, are you going to do anything
Or are you just going to show me films all evening?
Just one more, dear.
Oh!
Whoa! charles atlas!
With the world's most perfectly developed body.
Tired of being pushed around?
Would you like to do some pushing around instead?
Would you like a body that can't fail to attract women?
A body that is the envy of other men?
Oh, I must get one of those.
Then let me have your skinny, scrawny little body
For just 15 minutes a day.
I've heard that one before, ducky.
Let me slap 50 pounds of he-man muscles on you.
Thick, herculean arms...
A deep, massive chest...
Atomic-powered legs, shoulders a yard wide
And right in the privacy of your own home.
What's my secret?
It's dynamo tension.
Muscles pulling against muscles, the natural way.
Here's living proof.
And there's no need to stop there.
So don't delay.
Send today
For my gigantic, free, 78-page muscle-building course.
Postman.
And start building a body you can be proud of.
You know, I really en joy interviewing applicants
For this management training course.
Come in.
Ah, come and sit down.
Thank you.
Would you mind just standing up again
For one moment?
Take a seat.
I'm sorry?
Take a seat.
Yes.
Ah!
Good morning.
Tell me, why do you say "good morning"
When you know perfectly well it's afternoon?
Well, you said "good morning."
Good afternoon.
Oh, dear.
Good evening.
Good-bye?
No.
Aren't you going to ask me
Why I rang the bell?
Er, why did you ring the bell?
Why do you think I rang the bell?
Five, four...
Three, two...
One, zero!
Well, i, i...
Too late!
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Um... this is... is the interview
For the management training course, is it?
Yes-- yes, it is.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding...
Oh, dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.
Why do you say that?
Well, I don't know.
Do you say it because you didn't know?
Well, i... I don't know.
Five!
Four, three, two, one, zero!
Right.
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Well, why did you think I did that then?
Well, I don't know.
Aren't you curious?
Well, yes.
Well, why don't you ask me?
Name?
What?
Your name, please!
Um, er, david.
David. sure?
Oh, yes.
David... shaw.
No, no-- thomas.
Thomas shaw?
No, no-- david thomas.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding...
Oh, dear, we're back to that again.
Good night
Ding-ding-ding-ding
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
I don't know what to do when you do that.
Well, do something.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding...
Five!
Four! three!
Two! one!
Good!
Good?
Very good.
Do it again.
Very good indeed.
Quite outstanding.
Ah, right, ready now.
Right, once more.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Wha... what's going on?
What's going on?
You got very good marks.
Well, I don't care.
I want to know what's going on!
I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate people
And I'm going straight out of here
And I'm going to tell the police
Exactly what you do to people
And they're going to make bloody sure
That you never do it again.
There, what do you think of that?!
What do you think of that?
Very good marks.
Oh, oh...
Well, do I get the job?
Er, well, I'm afraid not.
I'm afraid all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.
Hmm.
Well, that was all good fun
And we all had a jolly good laugh.
But I would like to assure you
That you'd never be treated like that
If you had an interview here at the careers advisory board.
Perhaps I should introduce myself.
I am the head of the careers advisory board.
I wanted to be a doctor, but there we are.
I'm head of the careers advisory board.
Or a sculptor-- something artistic.
Or an engineer, with all those dams
But there we are, it's no use crying over spilt milk.
The facts are there and that's that.
I'm the head of this lousy board.
Never mind.
Now, I wonder if you've ever considered
What a very profitable line of work this man is in.
Burglar!
Yes?
Burglar, madam.
What do you want?
I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.
Are you an encyclopedia salesman?
No, madam, I'm a burglar.
I burgle people.
I think you're an encyclopedia salesman.
Oh, I'm not, open the door.
Let me in, please.
If I let you in, you'll sell me encyclopedias.
I won't, madam.
I just want to come in, ransack the flat... honestly.
Promise?
No encyclopedias?
None at all.
All right.
You'd better come in, then.
Mind you, I don't know
Whether you've ever really considered
The advantages of owning a really fine set
Of modern encyclopedias.
You know, they can do you really wonders.
That man was a successful encyclopedia salesman.
But not all encyclopedia salesmen are successful.
Here is an unsuccessful encyclopedia salesman.
Now here are two unsuccessful encyclopedia salesmen.
I think there's a lesson there for all of us.