1 00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:09,009 It's... 2 00:00:09,042 --> 00:00:12,579 Monty python's flying circus. 3 00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:11,271 I thought you did that so well, mr. figgis. 4 00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,739 Could I have your autograph? 5 00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:14,107 Certainly, yes. 6 00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:56,116 Beethoven, mozart, chopin, liszt, brahms, panties-- 7 00:01:56,149 --> 00:01:58,151 I'm sorry. 8 00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:01,522 Schumann, schubert, mendelssohn and bach. 9 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,924 Names that will live forever. 10 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,993 But there is one composer 11 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:09,029 Whose name is never included with the greats. 12 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,465 Why is it the world never remembered 13 00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:13,534 The name of johann gambolputty 14 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,069 De von ausfern- schplenden-schlitter- 15 00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:18,338 Crasscrenbon-fried-digger- dingle-dangle-dongle- 16 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:21,241 Dungle-burstein-von-knacker- thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz- 17 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,577 Ticolensic-grander-knotty- spelltinkle-grandlich- 18 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:26,380 Grumblemeyer-spelterwasser- kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen- 19 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,349 Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger- bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- 20 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:31,685 Weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonendanker- 21 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:34,054 Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von hautkopft of ulm? 22 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:38,392 To do justice to this man, thought by many 23 00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:41,862 To be the greatest name in german baroque music 24 00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:46,266 We present a profile of johann gambolputty 25 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,669 De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried- 26 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,138 Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle- dungle-burstein-von-knacker- 27 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,640 Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz- ticolensic-grander-knotty- 28 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,742 Spelltinkle-grandlich- grumblemeyer-spelterwasser- 29 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,579 Kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger- 30 00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:00,781 Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut- 31 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,083 Gumberaber-shonendanker- kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher 32 00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,585 Von hautkopft of ulm. 33 00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:09,223 We start with an interview with his only surviving relative 34 00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:13,026 Karl gambolputty de von... 35 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,230 When I first met johann gambolputty 36 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:21,568 De von ausfern-schplenden-schlitter- crasscrenbon-fried- 37 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:25,772 Digger-dingle-dangle- dongle-dungle-burstein- 38 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:29,343 Von-knacker-thrasher-apple- banger-horowitz-ticolensic- 39 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:30,377 Grander-knotty- 40 00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:32,145 Spelltinkle- 41 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,048 Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich- 42 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:36,717 Himbleeisen-bahnwagen- 43 00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:40,521 Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger- 44 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,523 Bratwustle- gerspurten-mitz- 45 00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:46,126 Weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonendanker- 46 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,896 Kalbsfleisch- mittler-aucher 47 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,932 Von hautkopft of ulm 48 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,401 When he was 49 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:55,736 With his wife 50 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,071 Sarah gambolputty de von... 51 00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,975 Yes, if I may... 52 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,710 Just cut in on you there, herr gambolputty 53 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:06,113 De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried- 54 00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,515 Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle- dungle-burstein-von-knacker- 55 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:09,850 Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz- 56 00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,485 Ticolensic-grander- knotty-spelltinkle- 57 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,887 Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich- 58 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,356 Himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger- 59 00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,825 Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut- 60 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,227 Gumberaber-shonendanker- 61 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,663 Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von hautkopft of ulm 62 00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:28,602 And ask you just quickly if there's any particular thing 63 00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:31,505 That you remember about johann gambolputty 64 00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:35,642 De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon- 65 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,945 Fried-digger-dingle-dangle- dongle-dungle-burstein-von- 66 00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:40,781 Knacker-thrasher-apple... 67 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,385 Banger-ticolensic-grander- knotty-spelltinkle- 68 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,387 Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich- 69 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,089 Himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger- 70 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:52,059 Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut- 71 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,361 Gumberaber-shonendanker- kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher 72 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,963 Von hautkopft of ulm. 73 00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:39,773 A tribute to johann gambolputty de von 74 00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:40,807 Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter- 75 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:44,278 Crasscrenbon-fried-digger- dingle-dangle-dongle- 76 00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:46,013 Dungle-burstein- von-knacker-thrasher- 77 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,614 Apple-banger-horowitz- ticolensic- 78 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:48,882 Grander-knotty-spelltinkle- 79 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:49,383 Grandlich- 80 00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:50,184 Grumblemeyer- 81 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:50,817 Spelterwasser- 82 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:51,852 Kurstlich-himbleeisen- 83 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,353 Bahnwagen-gutenabend- 84 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,354 Bitte-ein-nurnburger- 85 00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:55,022 Bratwustle- 86 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:55,856 Gerspurten- 87 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,090 Mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut- 88 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,125 Gumberaber-shonendanker- 89 00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,226 Kalbsfleisch- 90 00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:01,695 Mittler-aucher von hautkopft 91 00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:03,197 Of ulm. 92 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:11,939 Oof! 93 00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:18,412 Oof! 94 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,722 Ooh! 95 00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:30,224 Ooh, ooh! 96 00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,225 That's it. 97 00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,659 We are not about to allow 98 00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,862 This sort of smut to be shown on-screen. 99 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:40,634 I must agree with the censor. 100 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:45,205 Smut and filth have no place on the street... screen... 101 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:47,140 On the street... no... 102 00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:55,182 All clear? 103 00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:56,183 All clear, boss. 104 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:57,784 Right, this is the plan, then. 105 00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,554 At 10:45 you, reg, collect me and ken in the van 106 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:03,290 And take us around to the british jewelry center 107 00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,691 In the high street. 108 00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:07,261 We arrive outside the british jewelry center 109 00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:08,295 At 10:50 a of m. 110 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,197 I shall then get out of the car. 111 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,932 You, reg, take it and park it 112 00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:14,001 Back here in denver street, right? 113 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:17,671 At 10:51 I shall enter the british jewelry center 114 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:21,675 Where you, vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me 115 00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:23,177 And hand me £5.18.3. 116 00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:27,447 At 10:52 I shall approach the counter 117 00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:30,584 And purchase a watch costing £5.18.3. 118 00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:32,319 I shall then give the watch to you, vic. 119 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,788 You'll go straight to norman's garage in east street. 120 00:07:34,821 --> 00:07:36,890 You lads come and pick me back up here at 10:56 121 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,426 And we rendezvous in the back room of the cow and sickle 122 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,561 At 11:15. 123 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:41,929 All right, any questions? 124 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:45,032 We don't seem to be doing anything illegal. 125 00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,367 What do you mean? 126 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,003 Well, we're paying for the watch. 127 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,472 Yeah? 128 00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:54,942 Well, why are we paying for the watch? 129 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,110 They wouldn't give it to us 130 00:07:57,177 --> 00:08:00,047 If we didn't pay for it, would they? 131 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,683 I don't like this outfit. 132 00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:03,217 Why not? 133 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:04,284 Well, we never break 134 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,319 The bloody law! 135 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,387 What do you mean?! 136 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,122 Well, look at that bank job last week. 137 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:10,524 What was wrong with that? 138 00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:12,025 Well, having to go in there 139 00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:13,660 With a mask on and ask for £15 140 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,195 Out of my deposit account-- 141 00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:16,396 That's what was wrong. 142 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,332 What are you trying to say, larry? 143 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,567 Couldn't we just steal the watch, boss? 144 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:21,735 Oh, you dumb cluck! 145 00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,437 We spent weeks organizing this job! 146 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,038 Reg rented a room across the road 147 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,274 And filmed people going in and out every day. 148 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,643 Vic spent three weeks looking at watch catalogs 149 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,812 Till he knew the price of each one backwards. 150 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,847 And I'm not going to risk the whole raid 151 00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,782 Just for the sake of breaking the law! 152 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,150 Couldn't we park in the double yellow line? 153 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,151 No! 154 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,152 Couldn't we get 155 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,153 A dog to foul the foot? 156 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,154 What's the matter with you? 157 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,322 I just thought I've... 158 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,157 I left the car on a meter and it's... 159 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,527 Overdue? 160 00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:48,529 Yes, boss. 161 00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:49,530 How much? 162 00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:50,764 I don't know, boss 163 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,933 Maybe two... maybe five minutes. 164 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,369 Five minutes overdue?! 165 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:58,572 You fool! 166 00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,607 You fool! 167 00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,042 All right, we have no time to lose. 168 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,977 Ken, shave all your hair off, get your passport 169 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,045 And meet me at this address 170 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:06,280 In rio de janeiro tuesday night. 171 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:07,447 Vic, go to east africa 172 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,049 Have plastic surgery and meet me there. 173 00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,285 Reg, go to canada, work your way south to nicaragua by july. 174 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,653 Larry, you stay here as front man. 175 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,388 Give us 15 minutes, then blow the building up. 176 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:15,656 All right, make it fast. 177 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,224 Hey, boss, I can't blow the building up. 178 00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:17,925 Why not? 179 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,560 It's illegal. 180 00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,628 Oh, bloody hell. 181 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,530 Well, we'd better give ourselves up, then. 182 00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:24,164 We can't boss. 183 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,265 Why not? 184 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:26,800 We haven't done anything illegal. 185 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,739 Excuse me. 186 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:37,244 No, well, I think being illegal makes it more exciting. 187 00:09:37,311 --> 00:09:38,312 Yeah, I agree. 188 00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,948 I mean, if you're going to go straight 189 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:43,951 You might as well be a vicar or something. 190 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,787 What? 191 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:47,754 I agree. 192 00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,256 If there were fewer robbers 193 00:09:49,323 --> 00:09:51,625 There wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking. 194 00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:53,827 I think sexual ecstasy is overrated. 195 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:55,829 Well, how very interesting 196 00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:58,599 Because I'm now made entirely of tin. 197 00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:00,934 After a few more of these remarks 198 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:04,371 I shall be appearing in a sketch, so stay tuned. 199 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:08,442 It's the uniform that puts them off-- that and my bad breath. 200 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:14,314 We like dressing up, yes. 201 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,718 Hello again. 202 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:20,354 I am at present still on film, but in a few seconds 203 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,322 I shall be appearing in the studio. 204 00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:22,990 Thank you. 205 00:10:24,258 --> 00:10:25,225 Hello. 206 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,697 Mr. milton, you are sole proprietor and owner 207 00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,599 Of the whizzo chocolate company? 208 00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:33,233 I am. 209 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,801 Superintendent parrot and i 210 00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:36,303 Are from the hygiene squad. 211 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:39,640 We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates 212 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,942 Entitled "the whizzo quality assortment." 213 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:42,943 Ah, yes. 214 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,412 If I may begin at the beginning. 215 00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:48,182 First there is the "cherry fondue." 216 00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:51,618 This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that. 217 00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:52,186 Agreed. 218 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,220 Next, we have 219 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,789 Number four-- "crunchy frog." 220 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:56,390 Ah, yes. 221 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:57,691 Am I right 222 00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,393 In thinking there's a real frog in here? 223 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:00,594 Yes, a little one. 224 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:01,929 What sort of frog? 225 00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:02,996 A dead frog. 226 00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:05,199 Is it cooked? 227 00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:06,200 No. 228 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,267 What, a raw frog? 229 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,270 We use only the finest baby frogs 230 00:11:10,304 --> 00:11:12,272 Dew picked and flown from iraq 231 00:11:12,306 --> 00:11:16,210 Cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed 232 00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:19,279 And then sealed in a succulent swiss quintuple smooth 233 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,348 Treble cream milk chocolate envelope 234 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,383 And lovingly frosted with glucose. 235 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,385 That's as maybe, it's still a frog. 236 00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,353 Oh, what else? 237 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:27,521 Well, don't you even take 238 00:11:27,588 --> 00:11:28,355 The bones out? 239 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,489 If we took the bones out 240 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:30,858 It wouldn't be crunchy, would it? 241 00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:36,496 Superintendent parrot ate one of those. 242 00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,867 Excuse me a moment. 243 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,035 It says "crunchy frog" quite clearly. 244 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,805 Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. 245 00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,207 People won't expect there to be a frog in there. 246 00:11:47,241 --> 00:11:49,710 They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog. 247 00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:50,777 Mock frog? 248 00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:52,713 We use no artificial preservatives 249 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,147 Or additives of any kind. 250 00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:56,750 Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future 251 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:59,286 You should delete the words "crunchy frog" 252 00:11:59,353 --> 00:12:01,054 And replace them with the legend 253 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,223 "crunchy, raw, unboned, real dead frog" 254 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,125 If you want to avoid prosecution. 255 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,260 What about our sales? 256 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,328 I'm not interested in your sales. 257 00:12:08,462 --> 00:12:10,898 I have to protect the general public. 258 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,432 Now, how about this one? 259 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:15,035 It was number five, wasn't it? 260 00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,671 Number five-- "ram's bladder cup." 261 00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:20,807 What kind of confection is this? 262 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:24,778 We use choicest, juicy chunks of fresh cornish ram's bladder 263 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:27,681 Emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds 264 00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:31,251 Whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit. 265 00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:33,687 Lark's vomit? 266 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,821 Correct. 267 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,790 Well, it don't say nothing about that here. 268 00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:39,960 Oh, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box 269 00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,595 After monosodium glutamate. 270 00:12:41,662 --> 00:12:43,830 Well, I hardly think this is good enough. 271 00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,832 I think it would be more appropriate 272 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:49,136 If the box bore a large red label warning, "lark's vomit." 273 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,571 Our sales would plummet. 274 00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:51,939 Well, why don't you move 275 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,474 Into more conventional areas of confectionery 276 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,176 Like praline or lime cream?-- 277 00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,712 A very popular flavor I'm led to understand. 278 00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:01,381 I mean, look at this one-- "cockroach cluster." 279 00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,286 "anthrax ripple." 280 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:08,322 What's this one-- "spring surprise"? 281 00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,923 Ah, now, that's our specialty-- 282 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,792 Covered in darkest creamy chocolate 283 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,595 When you pop it in your mouth, steel bolts spring out 284 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,663 And plunge straight through both cheeks. 285 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,533 Well, where's the pleasure in that? 286 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,735 If people place a nice chocky in their mouths 287 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:22,903 They don't want their cheeks pierced. 288 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,371 In any case 289 00:13:24,438 --> 00:13:26,573 This is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. 290 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:27,941 I should have to ask you 291 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,643 To accompany me to the station. 292 00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:30,611 It's a fair cop. 293 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,179 Stop talking to the camera. 294 00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:33,213 I'm sorry. 295 00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:39,286 If only the general public would take more care 296 00:13:39,353 --> 00:13:40,821 When buying its sweeties 297 00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:44,124 It would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation 298 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:47,494 And they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped 299 00:13:47,528 --> 00:13:49,796 And sitting around in public lavatories. 300 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:52,833 The bbc would like to apologize 301 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:55,969 For the extremely poor quality of the next announcement 302 00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:57,571 Only he is not at all well. 303 00:13:57,638 --> 00:14:01,675 We present "the dull life of a city stockbroker." 304 00:17:12,666 --> 00:17:18,038 Yes, sir, coming right up, the theater sketch, so don't move. 305 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:39,860 Me heap want see play. 306 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:42,930 Me want play start heap soon. 307 00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:45,098 Yes, well, I think it begins in a minute. 308 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:48,535 Me heap big fan cicely courtneidge. 309 00:17:49,770 --> 00:17:50,971 Yes, she's very good. 310 00:17:51,038 --> 00:17:52,272 She fine actress. 311 00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,975 She make interpretation heap subtle. 312 00:17:55,042 --> 00:17:57,377 She heap good diction and timing. 313 00:17:57,477 --> 00:18:00,614 She make part really live for indian brave. 314 00:18:00,681 --> 00:18:02,282 Yes, yes, she's marvelous. 315 00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:07,254 My father-- chief running stag, leader of mighty redfoot tribe-- 316 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:10,457 Him heap keen on michael denison and dulcie gray. 317 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:14,895 Um, do you go to the theater a lot? 318 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:18,932 When moon high over prairie, when wolf howl over mountain 319 00:18:18,999 --> 00:18:21,869 When mighty wind roar through yellow valley 320 00:18:21,902 --> 00:18:23,437 We go leatherhead rep. 321 00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:26,740 Block booking, upper circle 322 00:18:26,807 --> 00:18:29,276 Whole tribe get in on 3/6d each. 323 00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:30,744 That's very good. 324 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:35,215 Stage manager, stan wilson, heap good friend redfoot tribe. 325 00:18:35,249 --> 00:18:39,753 After show, we go powwow, speakum with director sandy camp 326 00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:42,556 In snug bar of bell and compasses. 327 00:18:42,623 --> 00:18:44,525 Him mighty fine director. 328 00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:46,026 Him heap famous. 329 00:18:46,059 --> 00:18:47,694 Yes, I don't know him myself. 330 00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:49,530 Him say leatherhead rep 331 00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:52,032 Like to play with redfoot tribe. 332 00:18:52,065 --> 00:18:52,966 Oh, that's good. 333 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,469 We do dial m for murder. 334 00:18:55,536 --> 00:18:59,006 Chief running elk, him kill buffalo with bare hands 335 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:01,775 Run thousand paces while the sun is high 336 00:19:01,842 --> 00:19:04,244 Him play chief inspector hardy. 337 00:19:04,278 --> 00:19:06,180 Heap good fine actor. 338 00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:07,814 You do a lot of acting, do you? 339 00:19:07,881 --> 00:19:11,818 Yes, redfoot tribe live by acting and hunting. 340 00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:13,287 You don't fight anymore? 341 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,455 Yes! redfoot make war. 342 00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:17,791 When chief yellow snake was leader 343 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:21,094 And mighty eagle was in land of forefather 344 00:19:21,128 --> 00:19:24,097 We fight pawnee at oxbow crossing. 345 00:19:24,131 --> 00:19:27,701 When pawnee steal our rehearsal copies of reluctant debutante... 346 00:19:28,769 --> 00:19:30,237 We kill 50 pawnee. 347 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,706 Houses heap full every night. 348 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,308 Heap good publicity. 349 00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:36,510 I think it's about to start now. 350 00:19:36,577 --> 00:19:37,878 Thank god for that. 351 00:19:37,911 --> 00:19:39,713 Paleface like eat chocolate? 352 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,315 No, thank you very much. 353 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,717 Mmm, crunchy frog, heap good. 354 00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,756 Ladies and gentlemen, before the play starts 355 00:19:49,823 --> 00:19:51,859 I would like to apologize to you all 356 00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:55,095 But unfortunately, miss cicely courtneidge is unable to appear 357 00:19:55,162 --> 00:19:55,896 Owing to... 358 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,136 Oh, did you read that, edgar? 359 00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:04,338 What was that, dear? 360 00:20:04,438 --> 00:20:06,573 There's been another indian massacre 361 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,175 At dorking civic theater. 362 00:20:08,242 --> 00:20:09,676 About time, too, dear. 363 00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:12,446 "those who were left alive at the end 364 00:20:12,513 --> 00:20:14,181 Got their money back." 365 00:20:14,248 --> 00:20:15,849 That's what live theater needs-- 366 00:20:15,916 --> 00:20:17,351 A few more massacres. 367 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,486 "the police are anxious to speak 368 00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:21,388 "to anyone who saw the crime 369 00:20:21,455 --> 00:20:23,257 "ladies with large breasts 370 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,759 Or just anyone who likes policemen." 371 00:20:30,030 --> 00:20:32,032 Yes, policemen make wonderful friends. 372 00:20:32,099 --> 00:20:35,269 So if you are over six feet tall and would like a friend-- 373 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,304 A pen friend-- in the police force 374 00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:40,007 Here is the address to write to: mrs. ena frog 375 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,409 8 masonic apron street, cowdenbeath. 376 00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:44,978 Remember, policemen make wonderful friends 377 00:20:45,045 --> 00:20:48,415 So write today and take advantage of our free officer. 378 00:20:48,482 --> 00:20:49,416 Thank you. 379 00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:51,485 Now for the next sketch. 380 00:20:54,888 --> 00:20:56,490 Ooh... 381 00:20:56,557 --> 00:20:58,358 Oh, thank you. 382 00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:02,930 Ooh, a scotsman on a horse! 383 00:21:02,963 --> 00:21:04,932 For mrs. emma hamilton of nelson 384 00:21:04,965 --> 00:21:06,934 A scotsman on a horse. 385 00:22:24,444 --> 00:22:25,812 Oh, I liked that. 386 00:22:25,846 --> 00:22:29,216 I want to get one of those for myself, too, peachy-face. 387 00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:36,690 Ooh! 388 00:22:38,659 --> 00:22:40,060 Whoa! 389 00:22:41,295 --> 00:22:42,262 Whoa! 390 00:22:43,864 --> 00:22:45,199 The police, percy! 391 00:22:45,232 --> 00:22:46,266 We know you're in there 392 00:22:46,333 --> 00:22:47,734 So come out with your hands up 393 00:22:47,768 --> 00:22:49,102 And there'll be no trouble. 394 00:22:49,136 --> 00:22:51,738 You'll never take me alive, copper. 395 00:22:51,805 --> 00:22:54,308 Ooh, all right. 396 00:23:28,509 --> 00:23:29,676 Good morning, boys. 397 00:23:29,743 --> 00:23:31,211 Good morning, mr. saltzberg. 398 00:23:31,245 --> 00:23:33,747 Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. 399 00:23:33,814 --> 00:23:35,716 Well, boys, I want you to know 400 00:23:35,749 --> 00:23:39,520 That I think you're the best six writers in movies today. 401 00:23:39,553 --> 00:23:41,889 And I want you to know that I've had an idea 402 00:23:41,922 --> 00:23:43,957 For the next movie I'm going to produce 403 00:23:44,024 --> 00:23:45,926 And I want you boys to write it. 404 00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:51,932 Oh, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. 405 00:23:51,999 --> 00:23:54,935 There'll be plenty of time for that later on. 406 00:23:56,837 --> 00:23:58,672 Now, here's my idea. 407 00:23:58,705 --> 00:23:59,273 It's great. 408 00:23:59,339 --> 00:24:00,641 You like it? 409 00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:04,545 Do you like it? 410 00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:06,880 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 411 00:24:06,914 --> 00:24:09,082 What do you like best about it? 412 00:24:09,149 --> 00:24:11,885 Oh, well, you haven't told us what it is yet. 413 00:24:11,952 --> 00:24:13,287 What? 414 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,022 Um... I like what he likes. 415 00:24:15,088 --> 00:24:16,056 What do you like? 416 00:24:16,089 --> 00:24:17,057 Oh, I like what he likes. 417 00:24:17,090 --> 00:24:18,058 I like what he likes. 418 00:24:18,091 --> 00:24:19,026 I like what he likes. 419 00:24:19,059 --> 00:24:20,027 I'm just crazy about what he likes. 420 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:21,128 What do you like about it? 421 00:24:21,195 --> 00:24:22,229 I agree with them. 422 00:24:22,296 --> 00:24:24,565 Good, now we're getting somewhere. 423 00:24:24,598 --> 00:24:27,134 Now, here's the start of the movie. 424 00:24:27,201 --> 00:24:30,037 I see snow... 425 00:24:31,505 --> 00:24:32,639 White snow. 426 00:24:32,706 --> 00:24:33,640 Think of the colors! 427 00:24:33,674 --> 00:24:36,844 And in the snow, I see a tree. 428 00:24:38,145 --> 00:24:39,680 Wait, wait, I haven't finished yet. 429 00:24:39,746 --> 00:24:40,681 There's more? 430 00:24:40,714 --> 00:24:42,850 And by this tree, gentlemen 431 00:24:42,916 --> 00:24:43,884 I see a dog. 432 00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:45,385 ole! 433 00:24:45,419 --> 00:24:49,456 And, gentlemen, this dog goes up to the tree 434 00:24:49,523 --> 00:24:51,525 And he piddles on it. 435 00:24:51,592 --> 00:24:53,293 Hallelu jah! 436 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,362 Have we got a movie! 437 00:24:55,429 --> 00:24:57,264 He tells it the way it is. 438 00:24:57,297 --> 00:24:58,031 It's where it's at. 439 00:24:58,098 --> 00:24:59,032 This is something else. 440 00:24:59,066 --> 00:25:00,267 It's out of sight! 441 00:25:00,334 --> 00:25:02,603 I like it, I like it! 442 00:25:02,636 --> 00:25:04,104 Oh, yeah? 443 00:25:04,137 --> 00:25:05,873 Yeah, yeah, I promise I like it. 444 00:25:05,939 --> 00:25:08,275 Sir, I don't know how to say this 445 00:25:08,308 --> 00:25:10,844 But I've got to be perfectly frank. 446 00:25:10,911 --> 00:25:14,982 I really and truly believe this story of yours 447 00:25:15,048 --> 00:25:17,518 Is the greatest story in motion picture history. 448 00:25:17,584 --> 00:25:19,152 Get out! 449 00:25:19,219 --> 00:25:21,855 If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a yes-man. 450 00:25:21,922 --> 00:25:22,890 Get out! 451 00:25:22,923 --> 00:25:24,491 I'll see you never work again! 452 00:25:24,558 --> 00:25:25,325 What do you think? 453 00:25:25,459 --> 00:25:26,560 Well, I uh... 454 00:25:26,627 --> 00:25:27,861 Just because I have an idea 455 00:25:27,928 --> 00:25:29,162 It doesn't mean it's great. 456 00:25:29,229 --> 00:25:30,097 It could be lousy. 457 00:25:30,130 --> 00:25:31,698 It could? 458 00:25:31,765 --> 00:25:33,734 Yeah, what do you think? 459 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,636 It's lousy. 460 00:25:35,669 --> 00:25:37,604 There you are, you see, he spoke his mind. 461 00:25:37,638 --> 00:25:38,839 He said my idea was lousy. 462 00:25:38,906 --> 00:25:41,308 Just so happens my idea isn't lousy. 463 00:25:41,341 --> 00:25:44,778 So get out, you goddamn pinko subversive, get out! 464 00:25:44,811 --> 00:25:45,879 You! 465 00:25:48,282 --> 00:25:50,751 Well, i... I think it's an excellent idea. 466 00:25:50,784 --> 00:25:52,119 Are you a yes-man? 467 00:25:52,152 --> 00:25:54,588 No... I mean, there may be things against it. 468 00:25:54,621 --> 00:25:55,923 You think it's lousy? 469 00:25:55,956 --> 00:25:58,525 No, no... I mean, it takes time. 470 00:25:58,592 --> 00:25:59,960 Are you being indecisive? 471 00:25:59,993 --> 00:26:01,028 Yo... 472 00:26:01,094 --> 00:26:02,963 Nes... perhaps. 473 00:26:04,932 --> 00:26:08,235 Now, I hope you three gentlemen aren't going to be indecis... 474 00:26:08,268 --> 00:26:10,671 What the hell are you doing under that table? 475 00:26:10,704 --> 00:26:11,905 We dropped our pencils. 476 00:26:11,972 --> 00:26:13,473 Pencil-droppers, eh? 477 00:26:13,540 --> 00:26:14,675 No, no, no. 478 00:26:14,741 --> 00:26:15,876 Right. 479 00:26:15,943 --> 00:26:19,746 Now, I want your opinion of my idea. 480 00:26:19,780 --> 00:26:20,747 You! 481 00:26:22,516 --> 00:26:24,918 Has he had a heart attack? 482 00:26:24,952 --> 00:26:26,486 If there's one thing I can't stand 483 00:26:26,553 --> 00:26:28,188 It's people who have heart attacks! 484 00:26:28,255 --> 00:26:29,623 I feel fine now. 485 00:26:29,656 --> 00:26:31,491 Well, what do you think? 486 00:26:31,525 --> 00:26:33,694 Uh... you didn't ask me, you asked him. 487 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,029 Oh... you didn't ask me, you asked him. 488 00:26:36,063 --> 00:26:37,164 Uh... him. 489 00:26:38,232 --> 00:26:39,633 I've changed my mind. 490 00:26:39,666 --> 00:26:41,335 I'm asking you, the one in the middle. 491 00:26:41,435 --> 00:26:42,336 The one in the middle? 492 00:26:42,369 --> 00:26:43,337 Yes, the one in the middle! 493 00:26:45,172 --> 00:26:46,139 Hello? 494 00:26:46,206 --> 00:26:47,241 Yes, dmitri. 495 00:26:47,307 --> 00:26:48,342 No, no, it's all right. 496 00:26:48,475 --> 00:26:49,543 Just a second... 497 00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:51,178 What the hell are you doing? 498 00:26:51,245 --> 00:26:52,446 Uh, thinking. 499 00:26:52,513 --> 00:26:54,381 Get back in those seats immediately. 500 00:26:54,481 --> 00:26:56,350 Yeah, sure, sure, sure. 501 00:26:56,383 --> 00:26:58,318 Right, you, the one in the middle. 502 00:26:58,352 --> 00:26:59,353 What do you think? 503 00:27:01,555 --> 00:27:03,690 Come on! 504 00:27:03,757 --> 00:27:04,858 Splunge! 505 00:27:04,925 --> 00:27:07,261 Did he say "splunge"? 506 00:27:07,294 --> 00:27:08,295 Yeah. 507 00:27:08,395 --> 00:27:09,763 What does "splunge" mean? 508 00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:12,132 It means it's a great idea 509 00:27:12,165 --> 00:27:13,667 But possibly not. 510 00:27:13,734 --> 00:27:15,169 And I'm not being indecisive. 511 00:27:15,202 --> 00:27:17,571 Good, all right, what do you think? 512 00:27:17,604 --> 00:27:19,173 Uh, splunge? 513 00:27:19,239 --> 00:27:20,107 Okay. 514 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:22,309 Yeah, splunge for me, too. 515 00:27:24,111 --> 00:27:25,479 So all three of you think splunge. 516 00:27:25,512 --> 00:27:27,347 Well, now we're getting somewhere. 517 00:27:27,414 --> 00:27:29,783 No, wait, a new angle: 518 00:27:29,816 --> 00:27:33,587 In the snow, instead of the tree, I see... 519 00:27:33,620 --> 00:27:34,588 Rock hudson. 520 00:27:34,655 --> 00:27:35,722 Yeah. 521 00:27:35,789 --> 00:27:39,259 And instead of the dog, I see doris day. 522 00:27:39,326 --> 00:27:40,494 Oh, yes. 523 00:27:40,561 --> 00:27:44,498 And gentlemen, doris day goes up to rock hudson 524 00:27:44,531 --> 00:27:46,366 And she kisses on him. 525 00:27:46,433 --> 00:27:48,368 It's a love story. 526 00:27:48,402 --> 00:27:50,037 Intercourse italian-style. 527 00:27:50,103 --> 00:27:52,306 David hemmings as a hippie gestapo officer. 528 00:27:52,372 --> 00:27:53,340 Frontal nudity. 529 00:27:53,373 --> 00:27:54,341 A family picture. 530 00:27:54,408 --> 00:27:55,542 A comedy. 531 00:27:55,609 --> 00:27:58,478 And then when doris day's kissed rock hudson 532 00:27:58,512 --> 00:27:59,479 She says something funny 533 00:27:59,546 --> 00:28:00,514 Like... 534 00:28:02,349 --> 00:28:03,851 Good evening? 535 00:28:03,917 --> 00:28:07,087 Doris day's a comedienne, not a newsreader! 536 00:28:07,154 --> 00:28:08,222 Get out! 537 00:28:08,288 --> 00:28:10,524 She says something funny like... 538 00:28:10,591 --> 00:28:13,727 Uh... splunge. 539 00:28:13,794 --> 00:28:15,829 That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. 540 00:28:15,896 --> 00:28:16,964 Get out! 541 00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:21,335 Doris dog kisses rock tree and she says? 542 00:28:21,401 --> 00:28:22,736 I can't take it anymore! 543 00:28:22,769 --> 00:28:26,773 I like that, I like that-- "I can't take it anymore." 544 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,242 And then rock hudson says 545 00:28:28,275 --> 00:28:30,744 "I'm a very rich film producer and I need a lobotomy." 546 00:28:30,777 --> 00:28:32,946 And then doris dog says, "I think you're very handsome 547 00:28:33,013 --> 00:28:34,681 And I'm going to take all my clothes off." 548 00:28:34,748 --> 00:28:36,283 And then doris dog turns into a yak 549 00:28:36,350 --> 00:28:38,318 And goes to the bathroom on david lemming... 550 00:28:38,385 --> 00:28:40,454 No, wait, wait. 551 00:28:40,521 --> 00:28:43,056 Hello? hello? 552 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:48,028 Hello, who are you? 553 00:28:48,095 --> 00:28:49,763 You're an out-of-work writer? 554 00:28:49,830 --> 00:28:50,931 Well, you're fired! 555 00:28:50,998 --> 00:28:54,134 Roll the credits! 556 00:28:54,201 --> 00:28:58,038 Produced by irving c. saltzberg jnr. 557 00:28:58,071 --> 00:29:00,507 and irving c. saltzberg productions ltd. 558 00:29:00,541 --> 00:29:05,112 and saltzberg art films, oil, real estate, banking and prostitution inc.