It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
I thought you did that so well, mr. figgis.
Could I have your autograph?
Certainly, yes.
Beethoven, mozart, chopin, liszt, brahms, panties--
I'm sorry.
Schumann, schubert, mendelssohn and bach.
Names that will live forever.
But there is one composer
Whose name is never included with the greats.
Why is it the world never remembered
The name of johann gambolputty
De von ausfern- schplenden-schlitter-
Crasscrenbon-fried-digger- dingle-dangle-dongle-
Dungle-burstein-von-knacker- thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
Ticolensic-grander-knotty- spelltinkle-grandlich-
Grumblemeyer-spelterwasser- kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger- bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
Weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von hautkopft of ulm?
To do justice to this man, thought by many
To be the greatest name in german baroque music
We present a profile of johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle- dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz- ticolensic-grander-knotty-
Spelltinkle-grandlich- grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-
Kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker- kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm.
We start with an interview with his only surviving relative
Karl gambolputty de von...
When I first met johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-schlitter- crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle- dongle-dungle-burstein-
Von-knacker-thrasher-apple- banger-horowitz-ticolensic-
Grander-knotty-
Spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle- gerspurten-mitz-
Weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch- mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm
When he was
With his wife
Sarah gambolputty de von...
Yes, if I may...
Just cut in on you there, herr gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle- dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
Ticolensic-grander- knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von hautkopft of ulm
And ask you just quickly if there's any particular thing
That you remember about johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon-
Fried-digger-dingle-dangle- dongle-dungle-burstein-von-
Knacker-thrasher-apple...
Banger-ticolensic-grander- knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker- kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm.
A tribute to johann gambolputty de von
Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-
Crasscrenbon-fried-digger- dingle-dangle-dongle-
Dungle-burstein- von-knacker-thrasher-
Apple-banger-horowitz- ticolensic-
Grander-knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-
Grumblemeyer-
Spelterwasser-
Kurstlich-himbleeisen-
Bahnwagen-gutenabend-
Bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-
Gerspurten-
Mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-
Mittler-aucher von hautkopft
Of ulm.
Oof!
Ooh!
Ooh, ooh!
That's it.
We are not about to allow
This sort of smut to be shown on-screen.
I must agree with the censor.
Smut and filth have no place on the street... screen...
On the street... no...
All clear?
All clear, boss.
Right, this is the plan, then.
At 10:45 you, reg, collect me and ken in the van
And take us around to the british jewelry center
In the high street.
We arrive outside the british jewelry center
At 10:50 a of m.
I shall then get out of the car.
You, reg, take it and park it
Back here in denver street, right?
At 10:51 I shall enter the british jewelry center
Where you, vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me
And hand me £5.18.3.
At 10:52 I shall approach the counter
And purchase a watch costing £5.18.3.
I shall then give the watch to you, vic.
You'll go straight to norman's garage in east street.
You lads come and pick me back up here at 10:56
And we rendezvous in the back room of the cow and sickle
At 11:15.
All right, any questions?
We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.
What do you mean?
Well, we're paying for the watch.
Yeah?
Well, why are we paying for the watch?
They wouldn't give it to us
If we didn't pay for it, would they?
I don't like this outfit.
Why not?
Well, we never break
The bloody law!
What do you mean?!
Well, look at that bank job last week.
What was wrong with that?
Well, having to go in there
With a mask on and ask for £15
Out of my deposit account--
That's what was wrong.
What are you trying to say, larry?
Couldn't we just steal the watch, boss?
Oh, you dumb cluck!
We spent weeks organizing this job!
Reg rented a room across the road
And filmed people going in and out every day.
Vic spent three weeks looking at watch catalogs
Till he knew the price of each one backwards.
And I'm not going to risk the whole raid
Just for the sake of breaking the law!
Couldn't we park in the double yellow line?
No!
Couldn't we get
A dog to foul the foot?
What's the matter with you?
I just thought I've...
I left the car on a meter and it's...
Overdue?
Yes, boss.
How much?
I don't know, boss
Maybe two... maybe five minutes.
Five minutes overdue?!
You fool!
All right, we have no time to lose.
Ken, shave all your hair off, get your passport
And meet me at this address
In rio de janeiro tuesday night.
Vic, go to east africa
Have plastic surgery and meet me there.
Reg, go to canada, work your way south to nicaragua by july.
Larry, you stay here as front man.
Give us 15 minutes, then blow the building up.
All right, make it fast.
Hey, boss, I can't blow the building up.
Why not?
It's illegal.
Oh, bloody hell.
Well, we'd better give ourselves up, then.
We can't boss.
Why not?
We haven't done anything illegal.
Excuse me.
No, well, I think being illegal makes it more exciting.
Yeah, I agree.
I mean, if you're going to go straight
You might as well be a vicar or something.
What?
I agree.
If there were fewer robbers
There wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking.
I think sexual ecstasy is overrated.
Well, how very interesting
Because I'm now made entirely of tin.
After a few more of these remarks
I shall be appearing in a sketch, so stay tuned.
It's the uniform that puts them off-- that and my bad breath.
We like dressing up, yes.
Hello again.
I am at present still on film, but in a few seconds
I shall be appearing in the studio.
Thank you.
Hello.
Mr. milton, you are sole proprietor and owner
Of the whizzo chocolate company?
I am.
Superintendent parrot and i
Are from the hygiene squad.
We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates
Entitled "the whizzo quality assortment."
Ah, yes.
If I may begin at the beginning.
First there is the "cherry fondue."
This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
Agreed.
Next, we have
Number four-- "crunchy frog."
Ah, yes.
Am I right
In thinking there's a real frog in here?
Yes, a little one.
What sort of frog?
A dead frog.
Is it cooked?
No.
What, a raw frog?
We use only the finest baby frogs
Dew picked and flown from iraq
Cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed
And then sealed in a succulent swiss quintuple smooth
Treble cream milk chocolate envelope
And lovingly frosted with glucose.
That's as maybe, it's still a frog.
Oh, what else?
Well, don't you even take
The bones out?
If we took the bones out
It wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
Superintendent parrot ate one of those.
Excuse me a moment.
It says "crunchy frog" quite clearly.
Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl.
People won't expect there to be a frog in there.
They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog.
Mock frog?
We use no artificial preservatives
Or additives of any kind.
Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future
You should delete the words "crunchy frog"
And replace them with the legend
"crunchy, raw, unboned, real dead frog"
If you want to avoid prosecution.
What about our sales?
I'm not interested in your sales.
I have to protect the general public.
Now, how about this one?
It was number five, wasn't it?
Number five-- "ram's bladder cup."
What kind of confection is this?
We use choicest, juicy chunks of fresh cornish ram's bladder
Emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds
Whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.
Lark's vomit?
Correct.
Well, it don't say nothing about that here.
Oh, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box
After monosodium glutamate.
Well, I hardly think this is good enough.
I think it would be more appropriate
If the box bore a large red label warning, "lark's vomit."
Our sales would plummet.
Well, why don't you move
Into more conventional areas of confectionery
Like praline or lime cream?--
A very popular flavor I'm led to understand.
I mean, look at this one-- "cockroach cluster."
"anthrax ripple."
What's this one-- "spring surprise"?
Ah, now, that's our specialty--
Covered in darkest creamy chocolate
When you pop it in your mouth, steel bolts spring out
And plunge straight through both cheeks.
Well, where's the pleasure in that?
If people place a nice chocky in their mouths
They don't want their cheeks pierced.
In any case
This is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat.
I should have to ask you
To accompany me to the station.
It's a fair cop.
Stop talking to the camera.
I'm sorry.
If only the general public would take more care
When buying its sweeties
It would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation
And they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped
And sitting around in public lavatories.
The bbc would like to apologize
For the extremely poor quality of the next announcement
Only he is not at all well.
We present "the dull life of a city stockbroker."
Yes, sir, coming right up, the theater sketch, so don't move.
Me heap want see play.
Me want play start heap soon.
Yes, well, I think it begins in a minute.
Me heap big fan cicely courtneidge.
Yes, she's very good.
She fine actress.
She make interpretation heap subtle.
She heap good diction and timing.
She make part really live for indian brave.
Yes, yes, she's marvelous.
My father-- chief running stag, leader of mighty redfoot tribe--
Him heap keen on michael denison and dulcie gray.
Um, do you go to the theater a lot?
When moon high over prairie, when wolf howl over mountain
When mighty wind roar through yellow valley
We go leatherhead rep.
Block booking, upper circle
Whole tribe get in on 3/6d each.
That's very good.
Stage manager, stan wilson, heap good friend redfoot tribe.
After show, we go powwow, speakum with director sandy camp
In snug bar of bell and compasses.
Him mighty fine director.
Him heap famous.
Yes, I don't know him myself.
Him say leatherhead rep
Like to play with redfoot tribe.
Oh, that's good.
We do dial m for murder.
Chief running elk, him kill buffalo with bare hands
Run thousand paces while the sun is high
Him play chief inspector hardy.
Heap good fine actor.
You do a lot of acting, do you?
Yes, redfoot tribe live by acting and hunting.
You don't fight anymore?
Yes! redfoot make war.
When chief yellow snake was leader
And mighty eagle was in land of forefather
We fight pawnee at oxbow crossing.
When pawnee steal our rehearsal copies of reluctant debutante...
We kill 50 pawnee.
Houses heap full every night.
Heap good publicity.
I think it's about to start now.
Thank god for that.
Paleface like eat chocolate?
No, thank you very much.
Mmm, crunchy frog, heap good.
Ladies and gentlemen, before the play starts
I would like to apologize to you all
But unfortunately, miss cicely courtneidge is unable to appear
Owing to...
Oh, did you read that, edgar?
What was that, dear?
There's been another indian massacre
At dorking civic theater.
About time, too, dear.
"those who were left alive at the end
Got their money back."
That's what live theater needs--
A few more massacres.
"the police are anxious to speak
"to anyone who saw the crime
"ladies with large breasts
Or just anyone who likes policemen."
Yes, policemen make wonderful friends.
So if you are over six feet tall and would like a friend--
A pen friend-- in the police force
Here is the address to write to: mrs. ena frog
8 masonic apron street, cowdenbeath.
Remember, policemen make wonderful friends
So write today and take advantage of our free officer.
Thank you.
Now for the next sketch.
Ooh...
Oh, thank you.
Ooh, a scotsman on a horse!
For mrs. emma hamilton of nelson
A scotsman on a horse.
Oh, I liked that.
I want to get one of those for myself, too, peachy-face.
Ooh!
Whoa!
The police, percy!
We know you're in there
So come out with your hands up
And there'll be no trouble.
You'll never take me alive, copper.
Ooh, all right.
Good morning, boys.
Good morning, mr. saltzberg.
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.
Well, boys, I want you to know
That I think you're the best six writers in movies today.
And I want you to know that I've had an idea
For the next movie I'm going to produce
And I want you boys to write it.
Oh, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.
There'll be plenty of time for that later on.
Now, here's my idea.
It's great.
You like it?
Do you like it?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you like best about it?
Oh, well, you haven't told us what it is yet.
What?
Um... I like what he likes.
What do you like?
Oh, I like what he likes.
I like what he likes.
I'm just crazy about what he likes.
What do you like about it?
I agree with them.
Good, now we're getting somewhere.
Now, here's the start of the movie.
I see snow...
White snow.
Think of the colors!
And in the snow, I see a tree.
Wait, wait, I haven't finished yet.
There's more?
And by this tree, gentlemen
I see a dog.
ole!
And, gentlemen, this dog goes up to the tree
And he piddles on it.
Hallelu jah!
Have we got a movie!
He tells it the way it is.
It's where it's at.
This is something else.
It's out of sight!
I like it, I like it!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, I promise I like it.
Sir, I don't know how to say this
But I've got to be perfectly frank.
I really and truly believe this story of yours
Is the greatest story in motion picture history.
Get out!
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a yes-man.
Get out!
I'll see you never work again!
What do you think?
Well, I uh...
Just because I have an idea
It doesn't mean it's great.
It could be lousy.
It could?
Yeah, what do you think?
It's lousy.
There you are, you see, he spoke his mind.
He said my idea was lousy.
Just so happens my idea isn't lousy.
So get out, you goddamn pinko subversive, get out!
You!
Well, i... I think it's an excellent idea.
Are you a yes-man?
No... I mean, there may be things against it.
You think it's lousy?
No, no... I mean, it takes time.
Are you being indecisive?
Yo...
Nes... perhaps.
Now, I hope you three gentlemen aren't going to be indecis...
What the hell are you doing under that table?
We dropped our pencils.
Pencil-droppers, eh?
No, no, no.
Right.
Now, I want your opinion of my idea.
You!
Has he had a heart attack?
If there's one thing I can't stand
It's people who have heart attacks!
I feel fine now.
Well, what do you think?
Uh... you didn't ask me, you asked him.
Oh... you didn't ask me, you asked him.
Uh... him.
I've changed my mind.
I'm asking you, the one in the middle.
The one in the middle?
Yes, the one in the middle!
Hello?
Yes, dmitri.
No, no, it's all right.
Just a second...
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, thinking.
Get back in those seats immediately.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Right, you, the one in the middle.
What do you think?
Come on!
Splunge!
Did he say "splunge"?
Yeah.
What does "splunge" mean?
It means it's a great idea
But possibly not.
And I'm not being indecisive.
Good, all right, what do you think?
Uh, splunge?
Okay.
Yeah, splunge for me, too.
So all three of you think splunge.
Well, now we're getting somewhere.
No, wait, a new angle:
In the snow, instead of the tree, I see...
Rock hudson.
Yeah.
And instead of the dog, I see doris day.
Oh, yes.
And gentlemen, doris day goes up to rock hudson
And she kisses on him.
It's a love story.
Intercourse italian-style.
David hemmings as a hippie gestapo officer.
Frontal nudity.
A family picture.
A comedy.
And then when doris day's kissed rock hudson
She says something funny
Like...
Good evening?
Doris day's a comedienne, not a newsreader!
Get out!
She says something funny like...
Uh... splunge.
That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.
Get out!
Doris dog kisses rock tree and she says?
I can't take it anymore!
I like that, I like that-- "I can't take it anymore."
And then rock hudson says
"I'm a very rich film producer and I need a lobotomy."
And then doris dog says, "I think you're very handsome
And I'm going to take all my clothes off."
And then doris dog turns into a yak
And goes to the bathroom on david lemming...
No, wait, wait.
Hello? hello?
Hello, who are you?
You're an out-of-work writer?
Well, you're fired!
Roll the credits!
Produced by irving c. saltzberg jnr.
and irving c. saltzberg productions ltd.
and saltzberg art films, oil, real estate, banking and prostitution inc.