It's...
It's!
No, no!
it's...
It's!
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Good evening.
Tonight we're going to take
A hard, tough, abrasive look at camel spotting.
Hello.
Hello, peter.
Now, tell me, what exactly are you doing?
Well, I'm camel spotting.
I'm spotting to see if there are any camels
That I can spot and put them down
In my camel- spotting book.
Good, and how many camels have you spotted so far?
Well, so far, peter, up to the present moment
I've spotted nearly... oh...
Nearly one.
Uh, call it none.
Fine.
And how long have you been here?
Three years.
So in three years
You've spotted no camels.
Yes, in only three years.
Uh, I tell a lie, four.
Be fair, five.
I've been camel spotting for just the seven years.
Before that, of course, I was a yeti spotter.
A yeti spotter, that must have been extremely interesting.
Oh, it was extremely interesting.
Very, very, quite...
It was dull.
Dull, dull, dull, oh, god, it was dull!
Sitting in the waterloo waiting room.
Course once you've seen one yeti you've seen them all.
And have you seen them all?
Well, I've seen one...
Well, a little one...
A picture of a... I've heard about them.
Well, now, tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel?
I take its number.
Uh, camels don't have numbers.
Oh, well, you've got to know where to look.
They're on the side of the engine
Above the piston box.
What?
You've got to make sure it's not a dromedary
Cause if it's a dromedary
It goes in the dromedary book.
Well, how do you tell if it's a dromedary?
Well, a dromedary has one hump
And a camel has a refreshment car
Buffet and ticket collector.
Mr. sopwith, aren't you in fact a train spotter?
What?
Don't you in fact spot trains?
Oh, you're no fun anymore!
Oh, no, rashid, we can't go on meeting like this.
Oh, you are no fun anymore!
Oh, you're no fun anymore.
29... 30!
All right, cut him down, mr. fuller.
Oh, you're no fun anymore!
Now, look, if anybody else pinches my phrase
I'll throw them under a camel.
If you can spot one.
What?
Lady chairman, sir, shareholders
Ladies and gentlemen
I have great pleasure in announcing
That owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure
Of $12 million canadian
Plus a refund of 71/2 million deutschemarks
From the swiss branch, and in addition
Adding the debenture preference stock of 3 3/4 million
To the directors' reserve currency account
Of 71/2 million
Plus an upward expenditure margin of 11,500 lire
Due to rising capital investment of ten million pounds
This firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling.
A shilling, wilkins?
Roughly, yes, sir.
Wilkins, I am the chairman
Of a multimillion-pound corporation
And you are a very new chartered accountant.
Isn't it possible there may have been some mistake?
Well, that's very kind of you, sir
But I don't think I'm ready to be chairman yet.
Wilkins, this shilling, is it net or gross?
It's british, sir.
Has tax been paid on it?
Yes, this is after tax.
Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax
Five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax.
Five pence of a further sixpence?
Yes, sir.
Five pence of a further sixpence?
That's right, sir.
Then where is the other penny?
Uh...
That makes you a penny short, wilkins.
Where is it?
Uh...
Wilkins!
I embezzled it, sir!
What, all of it?
Yes, all of it.
You naughty person!
It's my first.
Please be gentle with me.
I'm afraid it's my unpleasant duty
To inform you that you're fired.
Oh, please, please.
No, out!
There's no place for sentiment
In big business!
Oh, you're no fun anymore.
I heard that! who said that?
He did! he did!
No, I didn't.
Ooh!
Right!
Here is the address to complain to:
The royal frog tramping institute
16 rayners lane, london, w.c. fields.
I'll just repeat that:
Tristram and isolde phillips
7.30 covent garden saturday near sunday
And afterwards at the inigo jones fish emporium.
And they want to put the license fee up?
And now here is a reminder
About leaving your radio on during the night.
Leave your radio on during the night.
A little joke, a little jest!
Nothing to worry about, ladies and gentlemen!
Now we've got some science fiction for you, some ski-fi
Something to send the shivers up your spine
Send the creepy crawlies down your lager and limes.
All the lads have contributed to it.
Here's a little number entitled, "science fiction sketch."
the universe consists of a billion billion galaxies
77 billion miles across
and every galaxy is made up of a billion zillion stars
and around these stars circle a billion planets
and of all these planets
the greenestand the pleasantest is the planet earth
in the system of sol in the galaxy known as the milky way.
and it was to this world
that creatures of an alien planet came
to conquer and destroy the very heart of civilization.
it was a da y like manyanother
and mr. and mrs. samuel brainsample
were a perfectly ordinary couple
leading perfectly ordinary lives
the sort of people
to whom nothing extraordinary ever happened.
and not the kind of people to be the center
of one of the most astounding incidents
in the history of mankind.
so let's forgetabout them...
and follow instead the destiny of this man:
harold potter, gardener and tax official
first victim of creatures from another planet.
Read all about it! read all about it!
Man turns into scotsman!
Mrs. potter, you knew mr. potter quite well, I believe.
Oh, yes, quite well, he was me husband.
Yes, and he never showed any inclination
Towards being a scotsman before this happened?
No, no, not at all.
He was not that sort of person.
He didn't wear a kilt or play the bagpipes?
No, no, no, no.
He never got drunk at night
Or brought home black puddings?
No, no, not at all.
He didn't have an inadequate brain capacity?
No, no, not at all.
I see, so by your account
Harold potter was a perfectly ordinary englishman
Without any tendency towards being a scotsman whatsoever?
Absolutely, yes.
Mind you, he did always watch dr. finlay on the television.
Aha!
Well, that's it, you see; that's how it starts.
I beg your pardon?
Well, you see, scottishness starts
With little things like that and works up.
You see, people don't just turn into a scotsman
For no reason at all.
No further questions!
Halt!
Left turn!
Charles?
Darling.
Charles?
Darling, darling.
Charles, there's something I've got to tell you.
What is it, darling?
It's daddy; he's turned into a scotsman.
What? mr. llewellyn?
Yes, charles.
Help me, please help me.
But what can I do?
Surely, charles, you're the chief scientist
At the anthropological research institute
At butley downe--
An expert in what makes people change
From one nationality to another.
So I am!
This is right up my street.
Oh, good.
Now, first of all
Why would anyone turn into a scotsman?
Um, for business reasons?
No, no, only because he has no control over his own destiny.
Look, I'll show you.
I see!
Yes, so this means that some person or persons unknown
Is turning all these people into scotsmen.
Oh, what kind of heartless fiend
Could do that to a man?
I don't know, I don't know.
All I know is that these people
Are streaming north of the border
At the rate of thousands every hour.
If we don't act fast
Scotland will be choked with scotsmen!
Ooh!
soon, scotland was full of scotsmen.
the overcrowding was pitiful.
three men to a caber.
for the few who remained
life was increasingly difficult.
Charles!
Thank goodness I've found you.
It's mummy.
Hello, mummy.
No, no, mummy's turned into a scotsman.
Oh, how horrible!
Will they stop at nothing?
I don't know.
Do you think they will?
I meant that rhetorically.
What does "rhetorically" mean?
It means I didn't expect an answer.
Oh, I see.
Oh, you're so clever, charles.
Did mummy say anything as she changed?
Yes, she did, now you come to mention it.
Well, what was it?
Oh, she said "them."
Is that someone at the door?
No, it's just the incidental music for the scene.
Oh, I see.
Them-- wait a minute!
A whole minute?
No, I meant that metaphorically.
Them... them...
She was obviously referring
To the people who turned her into a scotsman.
If only we knew who they were
And why they were doing it.
Who are "them"?
then suddenly, a clue turned up in scotland.
mr. angus podgorny, owner of a dunbar menswear shop
received an order for 48 million kilts
from the planet skyron in the galaxy of andromeda.
Angus, how are you going to get
48 million kilts into the van?
I'll have to do it in two goes.
Do you not ken that the galaxy of andromeda
Is 2,200,000 light-years away?
Is that so?
Aye, and you've never been further
Than berwick-on-tweed.
Aye.
But think of the money, dear-- £18.10 a kilt.
That's...
£900 million!
And that's without sporrans.
Aye, I think you ought not to go, angus.
Aye, we'd be able to afford writing paper
With our names on it.
We'd be able to buy that extension to the toilet.
Yeah, but he hasn't signed
The order yet, has he?
Who?
Och, the man from andromeda.
Och, well...
He wasn't really a man, do you ken?
Not really a man?
He was as strange a thing as ever I saw
Or ever I hope to see, god willing.
He were a strange, unearthly creature
A quivering, glistening mass.
Angus podgorny, what do you mean?
He wasn't so much a man as...
A blancmange!
A blancmange, eh?
Yes, that's right.
I was just having a game of doubles
With sandra and jocasta, alec and david...
Hang on.
What?
There's five.
What?
Five people-- how do you play doubles
With five people?
Ah, well, we were...
Sounds a bit funny if you ask me
Playing doubles with five people.
Well, we often play like that.
Jocasta plays on the side receiving service.
Oh, yes?
Yes, it helps to speed the game up
And make it a lot faster
And it means jocasta isn't left out.
Look, are you asking me to believe
That the five of you was playing doubles
When on the very next court
There was a blancmange playing by itself?
That's right, yes.
Well, answer me this then.
Why didn't jocasta play the blancmange at singles
While you and sandra and alec and david
Had a proper game of doubles with four people?
Because jocasta always plays with us.
She's a friend of ours.
Call that friendship?
Messing up a perfectly good game of doubles?
It's not messing it up, officer.
We like to play with five.
Look, it's your affair
If you want to play with five people
But don't go calling it doubles.
Well, no...
Look, at wimbledon-- right?
If fred stolle and tony roche
Played charlie pasarell and cliff drysdale
and peaches bartcowitz
They wouldn't go calling it doubles.
But what about the blancmange?
That could play ann haydon-jones and her husband, pip.
Oh, a blancmange gave you
An order for 48 million kilts?
Aye.
And you believed it?
Aye, I did.
Och, you're a stupid man, angus podgorny.
Oh, look, woman!
How many kilts did we sell last year?
Nine and a half, that's all.
So when I get an order for 48 million
I believe it.
You'd better believe it.
Even if it's from a blancmange?
Och, woman, if a blancmange is prepared
To come 2,200,000 light-years to purchase a kilt
He must be fairly keen on kilts.
So cease your prattling, woman, and get sewing.
This could be the biggest breakthrough in kilts
Since the provost of edinburgh sat on a spike.
Mary, we'll be rich, we'll be rich.
Oh, but, angus, he hasn't even given you
An earnest of his good faith.
Ah, maybe not, but he has give me this.
Och, what is it now?
An entry form for the british open tennis championships
At wimbledon toon, signed and seconded.
Och, but, angus
You ken full well that scotsfolk
Don't know how to play the tennis
To save their lives.
Aye, but I must go, though, dear.
I didn't want to seem ungrateful.
Och, angus, I will not let you
Make a fool of yourself.
But I must.
Och, no, you'll not.
Oh, mary, mary.
Mary, look out! look out!
It's the blancmange!
Oh, now this is
Where mr. podgorny could have saved his wife's life.
If he'd gone to the police and told them
That he'd been approached by unearthly beings
From the galaxy of andromeda
We'd have sent a man round to investigate.
As it was, he did a deal with a blancmange
And the blancmange ate his wife.
So if you're going out or going on holiday
Or anything strange happens involving other galaxies
Just nip round to your local police station
And tell the sergeant on duty, or his wife
Of your suspicions.
And the same goes for dogs.
So I'm sorry to have interrupted
Your exciting science fiction story
But then, crime's our business, you know
So carry on viewing, and my thanks to the bbc
For allowing me to have this little chat with you.
Good night, god bless, look after yourselves.
Do sit down, mr. podgorny.
I... I think what's happened is
Terribly, terribly funny...
Tragic.
You must understand that we have to catch
The creature that ate your wife.
And if you could just help us answer a few questions
We may be able to help save a few lives.
I know this is the way
Your wife would have wanted it.
Aye.
I'll do my best, sergeant.
Detective inspector.
Now then, the facts are these:
You received an order for 48 million kilts
From a blancmange from the planet skyron
In the galaxy of andromeda;
You'd just shown your wife
An entry form for wimbledon which you'd filled in
When you turned round
And saw her legs disappearing into a blancmange.
Is that correct?
Yes, sir.
Are you mad?
No, sir.
Well, that's a relief.
Because if you were
Your story would be less plausible.
Now then, do you recognize this?
Oh, yes!
That's the one that ate my mary.
Good.
His name's riley... jack riley.
He's that most rare of criminals--
A blancmange impersonator and cannibal.
What about the 48 million kilts
And the galaxy of andromeda?
I'm afraid that's just one of his stories.
You must understand
That a blancmange impersonator and cannibal
Has to use some pretty clever stories
To allay suspicion.
Then you mean...
Yes. but...
Yes. how?
Well... not...
Why? I'm afraid so.
Who knows? do you think...
But... could be.
I know. she was...
Yes.
Good lord, what's that?
Ah, riley!
Come to give yourself up, have you, riley?
Eh, riley?
Riley? riley?
It's not riley.
It's an extraterrestrial being.
So everyone in england
Is being turned into scotsmen, right?
Yes.
Now, which is the worst tennis-playing nation
In the world?
Um... australia.
No, try again.
Australia?
No, try again but say a different place.
I thought you meant I said it badly.
No, of course you didn't say it badly-- now, hurry!
Um... czechoslovakia?
No, scotland!
Of course.
Now... now, these blancmanges
Apart from the one that killed mrs. podgorny
Have all appeared in which london suburb?
Finchley.
No, wimbledon!
Now do you begin to see the pattern?
With what sport is wimbledon commonly associated?
for viewers at home
the answer is coming up on your screens.
those of you who wish to play it the hard way
stand upside down
with your head in a bucket of piranha fish.
here is the question once again:
With what sport is wimbledon commonly associated?
Cricket.
No.
Pelote?
No, wimbledon is most commonly associated with tennis.
Of course, now I see.
Yes, it all falls into place.
The blancmanges are really australians
Trying to get the rights of the pelote rules
From the czech publishers.
No, not quite, but just look in here.
Yes... so these blancmanges... blancmange-shaped creatures
Come from the planet skyron in the galaxy of andromeda;
They order 48 million kilts from a scottish menswear shop;
Turn the population of england into scotsmen--
Well-known as the worst tennis- playing nation on earth;
Thus leaving england empty during wimbledon fortnight.
Empty during wimbledon fortnight.
What's more, the papers are full of reports of blancmanges
Appearing on tennis courts up and down the country...
Practicing.
This can only mean one thing!
They mean to win wimbledon!
Well, here at wimbledon
It's been a most extraordinary week's tennis.
The blancmanges have swept the board
Winning match after match.
Here are just a few of the results:
Billie jean king eaten in straight sets;
Laver smothered whole after winning the first set;
And pancho gonzales, serving as well as I've ever seen him
With some superb volleys
And decisive return volleys off the backhand
Was sucked through the net at match point
And swallowed whole in just under two minutes.
And so here on the final day
There seems to be no players left
To challenge the blancmanges.
And this could be their undoing, dan
As the rules of wimbledon state quite clearly
That there must be
At least one human being concerned in the final.
Well, the blancmange is coming out onto the pitch now
And there's a human with it.
It's angus podgorny, the plucky little scottish tailor
Upon whom everything depends.
And so it's podgorny versus blancmange
In this first-ever intergalactic wimbledon.
And it's blancmange to serve...
And it's a good one!
15 - love.
And podgorny fails to even hit the ball.
But this is no surprise
As he hasn't hit the ball once throughout this match.
So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now.
Podgorny prepares to serve again.
This is indeed a grim day for the human race, dan.
But what's this?
Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch
With spoons and forks.
What are they going to do?
They mean to eat the blancmange.
And they're eating the blancmange!
Yes, the blancmange is leaving the court.
It's abandoning the game.
This is fantastic!
Mmm... mmm...
yes, it was mr. and mrs. samuel brainsample
who, after only a brief and misleading appearance
in the early part of the film, return to sa ve the earth.
but why?
Oh, well, you see, we love blancmanges.
My wife makes them.
she makes blancmanges that size?
Oh, yes, you see, we're from the planet skyron
In the galaxy of andromeda
And they're all that size there.
We tried to tell you
At the beginning of the film
But you just panned off us.
so the world was saved
and angus podgorny became the first scotsman
to win wimbledon... 15 years later.