1 00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:28,562 It's... 2 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:30,063 It's... 3 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,599 It's! 4 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:34,868 No, no! 5 00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,203 it's... 6 00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,673 It's! 7 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,176 It's... 8 00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:46,480 Monty python's flying circus. 9 00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:16,710 Good evening. 10 00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,111 Tonight we're going to take 11 00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:20,581 A hard, tough, abrasive look at camel spotting. 12 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:21,582 Hello. 13 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:22,783 Hello, peter. 14 00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:24,852 Now, tell me, what exactly are you doing? 15 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,053 Well, I'm camel spotting. 16 00:01:26,119 --> 00:01:27,921 I'm spotting to see if there are any camels 17 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,323 That I can spot and put them down 18 00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:30,757 In my camel- spotting book. 19 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,660 Good, and how many camels have you spotted so far? 20 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:36,396 Well, so far, peter, up to the present moment 21 00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:38,232 I've spotted nearly... oh... 22 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,900 Nearly one. 23 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:40,734 Nearly one. 24 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:41,969 Uh, call it none. 25 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,003 Fine. 26 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,838 And how long have you been here? 27 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:45,672 Three years. 28 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,007 So in three years 29 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,976 You've spotted no camels. 30 00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:50,511 Yes, in only three years. 31 00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:52,546 Uh, I tell a lie, four. 32 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,047 Be fair, five. 33 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,884 I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. 34 00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,585 Before that, of course, I was a yeti spotter. 35 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,121 A yeti spotter, that must have been extremely interesting. 36 00:02:01,188 --> 00:02:03,490 Oh, it was extremely interesting. 37 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:04,958 Very, very, quite... 38 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:06,393 It was dull. 39 00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:09,696 Dull, dull, dull, oh, god, it was dull! 40 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,799 Sitting in the waterloo waiting room. 41 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:15,002 Course once you've seen one yeti you've seen them all. 42 00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,036 And have you seen them all? 43 00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:17,137 Well, I've seen one... 44 00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:18,405 Well, a little one... 45 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,340 A picture of a... I've heard about them. 46 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:23,510 Well, now, tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel? 47 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,611 I take its number. 48 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,281 Uh, camels don't have numbers. 49 00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:29,116 Oh, well, you've got to know where to look. 50 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,684 They're on the side of the engine 51 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:31,785 Above the piston box. 52 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:32,986 What? 53 00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:34,688 You've got to make sure it's not a dromedary 54 00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:35,722 Cause if it's a dromedary 55 00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:36,857 It goes in the dromedary book. 56 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,525 Well, how do you tell if it's a dromedary? 57 00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:40,294 Well, a dromedary has one hump 58 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,229 And a camel has a refreshment car 59 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:43,931 Buffet and ticket collector. 60 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,503 Mr. sopwith, aren't you in fact a train spotter? 61 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,004 What? 62 00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,140 Don't you in fact spot trains? 63 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,542 Oh, you're no fun anymore! 64 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:13,193 Oh, no, rashid, we can't go on meeting like this. 65 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:16,096 Oh, you are no fun anymore! 66 00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:26,173 Oh, you're no fun anymore. 67 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,742 29... 30! 68 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:32,212 All right, cut him down, mr. fuller. 69 00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:35,315 Oh, you're no fun anymore! 70 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,951 Now, look, if anybody else pinches my phrase 71 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,786 I'll throw them under a camel. 72 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,588 If you can spot one. 73 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,424 What? 74 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:47,427 Lady chairman, sir, shareholders 75 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,363 Ladies and gentlemen 76 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,231 I have great pleasure in announcing 77 00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:53,800 That owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure 78 00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,135 Of $12 million canadian 79 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:57,571 Plus a refund of 71/2 million deutschemarks 80 00:03:57,604 --> 00:03:59,640 From the swiss branch, and in addition 81 00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:01,241 Adding the debenture preference stock of 3 3/4 million 82 00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:02,743 To the directors' reserve currency account 83 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,144 Of 71/2 million 84 00:04:04,178 --> 00:04:07,314 Plus an upward expenditure margin of 11,500 lire 85 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:10,184 Due to rising capital investment of ten million pounds 86 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:13,320 This firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling. 87 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,190 A shilling, wilkins? 88 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,558 Roughly, yes, sir. 89 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,092 Wilkins, I am the chairman 90 00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:21,128 Of a multimillion-pound corporation 91 00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:23,764 And you are a very new chartered accountant. 92 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:26,567 Isn't it possible there may have been some mistake? 93 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,568 Well, that's very kind of you, sir 94 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,969 But I don't think I'm ready to be chairman yet. 95 00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:32,639 Wilkins, this shilling, is it net or gross? 96 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,608 It's british, sir. 97 00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:36,710 Has tax been paid on it? 98 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,145 Yes, this is after tax. 99 00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:40,280 Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax 100 00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:43,150 Five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax. 101 00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:45,853 Five pence of a further sixpence? 102 00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:46,687 Yes, sir. 103 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,755 Five pence of a further sixpence? 104 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:49,790 That's right, sir. 105 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,793 Then where is the other penny? 106 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,098 Uh... 107 00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,200 That makes you a penny short, wilkins. 108 00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,502 Where is it? 109 00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,340 Uh... 110 00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:07,174 Wilkins! 111 00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:09,977 I embezzled it, sir! 112 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,645 What, all of it? 113 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:12,679 Yes, all of it. 114 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,081 You naughty person! 115 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:16,917 It's my first. 116 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,018 Please be gentle with me. 117 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,887 I'm afraid it's my unpleasant duty 118 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,421 To inform you that you're fired. 119 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,456 Oh, please, please. 120 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,457 No, out! 121 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,894 There's no place for sentiment 122 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,395 In big business! 123 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,300 Oh, you're no fun anymore. 124 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:34,801 I heard that! who said that? 125 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,802 He did! he did! 126 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:36,803 No, I didn't. 127 00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:37,838 Ooh! 128 00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,039 Right! 129 00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:49,950 Here is the address to complain to: 130 00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:52,719 The royal frog tramping institute 131 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,722 16 rayners lane, london, w.c. fields. 132 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,324 I'll just repeat that: 133 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:59,626 Tristram and isolde phillips 134 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:02,696 7.30 covent garden saturday near sunday 135 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:05,465 And afterwards at the inigo jones fish emporium. 136 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,569 And they want to put the license fee up? 137 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,075 And now here is a reminder 138 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,845 About leaving your radio on during the night. 139 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,447 Leave your radio on during the night. 140 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,919 A little joke, a little jest! 141 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,655 Nothing to worry about, ladies and gentlemen! 142 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:32,092 Now we've got some science fiction for you, some ski-fi 143 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,661 Something to send the shivers up your spine 144 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,831 Send the creepy crawlies down your lager and limes. 145 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,967 All the lads have contributed to it. 146 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:43,704 Here's a little number entitled, "science fiction sketch." 147 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:50,210 the universe consists of a billion billion galaxies 148 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:53,213 77 billion miles across 149 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:58,151 and every galaxy is made up of a billion zillion stars 150 00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:01,822 and around these stars circle a billion planets 151 00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,957 and of all these planets 152 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:08,495 the greenestand the pleasantest is the planet earth 153 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:14,134 in the system of sol in the galaxy known as the milky way. 154 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,370 and it was to this world 155 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,873 that creatures of an alien planet came 156 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:26,680 to conquer and destroy the very heart of civilization. 157 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,117 it was a da y like manyanother 158 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,286 and mr. and mrs. samuel brainsample 159 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,321 were a perfectly ordinary couple 160 00:07:34,388 --> 00:07:36,390 leading perfectly ordinary lives 161 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,458 the sort of people 162 00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:41,595 to whom nothing extraordinary ever happened. 163 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,631 and not the kind of people to be the center 164 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:47,367 of one of the most astounding incidents 165 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:48,902 in the history of mankind. 166 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,437 so let's forgetabout them... 167 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,441 and follow instead the destiny of this man: 168 00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:59,213 harold potter, gardener and tax official 169 00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:03,917 first victim of creatures from another planet. 170 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,189 Read all about it! read all about it! 171 00:08:42,256 --> 00:08:43,724 Man turns into scotsman! 172 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:46,360 Mrs. potter, you knew mr. potter quite well, I believe. 173 00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:48,195 Oh, yes, quite well, he was me husband. 174 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,264 Yes, and he never showed any inclination 175 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,699 Towards being a scotsman before this happened? 176 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:53,700 No, no, not at all. 177 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:54,868 He was not that sort of person. 178 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,637 He didn't wear a kilt or play the bagpipes? 179 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,671 No, no, no, no. 180 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,705 He never got drunk at night 181 00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:00,007 Or brought home black puddings? 182 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,375 No, no, not at all. 183 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,710 He didn't have an inadequate brain capacity? 184 00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:05,012 No, no, not at all. 185 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,446 I see, so by your account 186 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,249 Harold potter was a perfectly ordinary englishman 187 00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:12,619 Without any tendency towards being a scotsman whatsoever? 188 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,121 Absolutely, yes. 189 00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:17,624 Mind you, he did always watch dr. finlay on the television. 190 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,026 Aha! 191 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:22,029 Well, that's it, you see; that's how it starts. 192 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:22,829 I beg your pardon? 193 00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:24,998 Well, you see, scottishness starts 194 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,835 With little things like that and works up. 195 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,470 You see, people don't just turn into a scotsman 196 00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:31,705 For no reason at all. 197 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,541 No further questions! 198 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,736 Halt! 199 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,471 Left turn! 200 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,094 Charles? 201 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,362 Darling. 202 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,063 Charles? 203 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,431 Darling, darling. 204 00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:33,834 Charles, there's something I've got to tell you. 205 00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,169 What is it, darling? 206 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:38,539 It's daddy; he's turned into a scotsman. 207 00:10:38,572 --> 00:10:41,008 What? mr. llewellyn? 208 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,609 Yes, charles. 209 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,211 Help me, please help me. 210 00:10:44,278 --> 00:10:45,612 But what can I do? 211 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:48,215 Surely, charles, you're the chief scientist 212 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,851 At the anthropological research institute 213 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,786 At butley downe-- 214 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,088 An expert in what makes people change 215 00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,090 From one nationality to another. 216 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,125 So I am! 217 00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,028 This is right up my street. 218 00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:02,963 Oh, good. 219 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,064 Now, first of all 220 00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:06,133 Why would anyone turn into a scotsman? 221 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,168 Um, for business reasons? 222 00:11:08,202 --> 00:11:11,672 No, no, only because he has no control over his own destiny. 223 00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:12,906 Look, I'll show you. 224 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,111 I see! 225 00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:22,182 Yes, so this means that some person or persons unknown 226 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:25,385 Is turning all these people into scotsmen. 227 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,955 Oh, what kind of heartless fiend 228 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,823 Could do that to a man? 229 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,992 I don't know, I don't know. 230 00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,527 All I know is that these people 231 00:11:33,594 --> 00:11:35,195 Are streaming north of the border 232 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,030 At the rate of thousands every hour. 233 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:38,131 If we don't act fast 234 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,100 Scotland will be choked with scotsmen! 235 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,337 Ooh! 236 00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:29,650 soon, scotland was full of scotsmen. 237 00:12:29,683 --> 00:12:33,620 the overcrowding was pitiful. 238 00:12:33,654 --> 00:12:35,422 three men to a caber. 239 00:13:06,587 --> 00:13:08,956 for the few who remained 240 00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:12,159 life was increasingly difficult. 241 00:14:11,552 --> 00:14:12,853 Charles! 242 00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:14,721 Thank goodness I've found you. 243 00:14:14,755 --> 00:14:15,722 It's mummy. 244 00:14:15,756 --> 00:14:17,191 Hello, mummy. 245 00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:20,194 No, no, mummy's turned into a scotsman. 246 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,095 Oh, how horrible! 247 00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:28,602 Will they stop at nothing? 248 00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:29,603 I don't know. 249 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:30,771 Do you think they will? 250 00:14:30,838 --> 00:14:32,306 I meant that rhetorically. 251 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,374 What does "rhetorically" mean? 252 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:35,843 It means I didn't expect an answer. 253 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,177 Oh, I see. 254 00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:39,313 Oh, you're so clever, charles. 255 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:43,317 Did mummy say anything as she changed? 256 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,486 Yes, she did, now you come to mention it. 257 00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,530 Well, what was it? 258 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,032 Oh, she said "them." 259 00:15:02,703 --> 00:15:04,104 Is that someone at the door? 260 00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,540 No, it's just the incidental music for the scene. 261 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,674 Oh, I see. 262 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:09,843 Them-- wait a minute! 263 00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,012 A whole minute? 264 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,381 No, I meant that metaphorically. 265 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,616 Them... them... 266 00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:17,117 She was obviously referring 267 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,620 To the people who turned her into a scotsman. 268 00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:22,556 If only we knew who they were 269 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,292 And why they were doing it. 270 00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:31,932 Who are "them"? 271 00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:37,037 then suddenly, a clue turned up in scotland. 272 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:41,675 mr. angus podgorny, owner of a dunbar menswear shop 273 00:15:41,742 --> 00:15:45,179 received an order for 48 million kilts 274 00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:49,716 from the planet skyron in the galaxy of andromeda. 275 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,219 Angus, how are you going to get 276 00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:54,621 48 million kilts into the van? 277 00:15:54,655 --> 00:15:57,090 I'll have to do it in two goes. 278 00:15:57,124 --> 00:16:00,561 Do you not ken that the galaxy of andromeda 279 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,996 Is 2,200,000 light-years away? 280 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,565 Is that so? 281 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,500 Aye, and you've never been further 282 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,734 Than berwick-on-tweed. 283 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,369 Aye. 284 00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:12,506 But think of the money, dear-- £18.10 a kilt. 285 00:16:12,573 --> 00:16:13,774 That's... 286 00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,879 £900 million! 287 00:16:18,912 --> 00:16:20,447 And that's without sporrans. 288 00:16:20,514 --> 00:16:22,683 Aye, I think you ought not to go, angus. 289 00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,751 Aye, we'd be able to afford writing paper 290 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,119 With our names on it. 291 00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,622 We'd be able to buy that extension to the toilet. 292 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:29,890 Yeah, but he hasn't signed 293 00:16:29,957 --> 00:16:31,024 The order yet, has he? 294 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,159 Who? 295 00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:34,561 Och, the man from andromeda. 296 00:16:34,595 --> 00:16:37,431 Och, well... 297 00:16:38,899 --> 00:16:42,336 He wasn't really a man, do you ken? 298 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,471 Not really a man? 299 00:16:44,538 --> 00:16:48,342 He was as strange a thing as ever I saw 300 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,844 Or ever I hope to see, god willing. 301 00:16:50,878 --> 00:16:54,181 He were a strange, unearthly creature 302 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:58,018 A quivering, glistening mass. 303 00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:02,122 Angus podgorny, what do you mean? 304 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,858 He wasn't so much a man as... 305 00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:06,994 A blancmange! 306 00:17:10,898 --> 00:17:12,132 A blancmange, eh? 307 00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:13,166 Yes, that's right. 308 00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:15,169 I was just having a game of doubles 309 00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:17,571 With sandra and jocasta, alec and david... 310 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:18,572 Hang on. 311 00:17:18,639 --> 00:17:19,640 What? 312 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:20,674 There's five. 313 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:21,808 What? 314 00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,077 Five people-- how do you play doubles 315 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,145 With five people? 316 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:26,313 Ah, well, we were... 317 00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:27,848 Sounds a bit funny if you ask me 318 00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:29,416 Playing doubles with five people. 319 00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:31,151 Well, we often play like that. 320 00:17:31,285 --> 00:17:33,954 Jocasta plays on the side receiving service. 321 00:17:34,021 --> 00:17:35,122 Oh, yes? 322 00:17:35,189 --> 00:17:36,757 Yes, it helps to speed the game up 323 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:37,991 And make it a lot faster 324 00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,927 And it means jocasta isn't left out. 325 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,728 Look, are you asking me to believe 326 00:17:41,762 --> 00:17:43,864 That the five of you was playing doubles 327 00:17:43,931 --> 00:17:45,399 When on the very next court 328 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,601 There was a blancmange playing by itself? 329 00:17:47,668 --> 00:17:48,836 That's right, yes. 330 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,204 Well, answer me this then. 331 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,574 Why didn't jocasta play the blancmange at singles 332 00:17:53,607 --> 00:17:56,176 While you and sandra and alec and david 333 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,712 Had a proper game of doubles with four people? 334 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,480 Because jocasta always plays with us. 335 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:01,915 She's a friend of ours. 336 00:18:01,949 --> 00:18:03,283 Call that friendship? 337 00:18:03,317 --> 00:18:05,719 Messing up a perfectly good game of doubles? 338 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,888 It's not messing it up, officer. 339 00:18:07,955 --> 00:18:09,690 We like to play with five. 340 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,458 Look, it's your affair 341 00:18:11,525 --> 00:18:13,994 If you want to play with five people 342 00:18:14,061 --> 00:18:16,363 But don't go calling it doubles. 343 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,698 Well, no... 344 00:18:17,731 --> 00:18:19,566 Look, at wimbledon-- right? 345 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,635 If fred stolle and tony roche 346 00:18:21,702 --> 00:18:24,638 Played charlie pasarell and cliff drysdale 347 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,607 and peaches bartcowitz 348 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,142 They wouldn't go calling it doubles. 349 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,445 But what about the blancmange? 350 00:18:31,512 --> 00:18:34,515 That could play ann haydon-jones and her husband, pip. 351 00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,651 Oh, a blancmange gave you 352 00:18:37,718 --> 00:18:39,620 An order for 48 million kilts? 353 00:18:39,653 --> 00:18:40,754 Aye. 354 00:18:40,821 --> 00:18:42,289 And you believed it? 355 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:43,423 Aye, I did. 356 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:45,692 Och, you're a stupid man, angus podgorny. 357 00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:46,994 Oh, look, woman! 358 00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:49,029 How many kilts did we sell last year? 359 00:18:49,096 --> 00:18:50,597 Nine and a half, that's all. 360 00:18:50,664 --> 00:18:52,533 So when I get an order for 48 million 361 00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:53,634 I believe it. 362 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,135 You'd better believe it. 363 00:18:55,169 --> 00:18:56,803 Even if it's from a blancmange? 364 00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:59,006 Och, woman, if a blancmange is prepared 365 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:01,742 To come 2,200,000 light-years to purchase a kilt 366 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,510 He must be fairly keen on kilts. 367 00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:06,113 So cease your prattling, woman, and get sewing. 368 00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:08,849 This could be the biggest breakthrough in kilts 369 00:19:08,916 --> 00:19:11,385 Since the provost of edinburgh sat on a spike. 370 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,254 Mary, we'll be rich, we'll be rich. 371 00:19:14,288 --> 00:19:16,757 Oh, but, angus, he hasn't even given you 372 00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:18,592 An earnest of his good faith. 373 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:21,728 Ah, maybe not, but he has give me this. 374 00:19:21,795 --> 00:19:23,163 Och, what is it now? 375 00:19:23,197 --> 00:19:26,633 An entry form for the british open tennis championships 376 00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:29,102 At wimbledon toon, signed and seconded. 377 00:19:29,136 --> 00:19:30,137 Och, but, angus 378 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,139 You ken full well that scotsfolk 379 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:34,141 Don't know how to play the tennis 380 00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,609 To save their lives. 381 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,377 Aye, but I must go, though, dear. 382 00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:39,146 I didn't want to seem ungrateful. 383 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,848 Och, angus, I will not let you 384 00:19:40,914 --> 00:19:42,282 Make a fool of yourself. 385 00:19:42,316 --> 00:19:43,650 But I must. 386 00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:45,118 Och, no, you'll not. 387 00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:46,453 Oh, mary, mary. 388 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,393 Mary, look out! look out! 389 00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:56,864 It's the blancmange! 390 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:11,778 Oh, now this is 391 00:20:11,812 --> 00:20:14,681 Where mr. podgorny could have saved his wife's life. 392 00:20:14,715 --> 00:20:16,917 If he'd gone to the police and told them 393 00:20:16,984 --> 00:20:19,486 That he'd been approached by unearthly beings 394 00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:21,121 From the galaxy of andromeda 395 00:20:21,188 --> 00:20:23,757 We'd have sent a man round to investigate. 396 00:20:23,824 --> 00:20:26,426 As it was, he did a deal with a blancmange 397 00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:28,462 And the blancmange ate his wife. 398 00:20:28,529 --> 00:20:32,132 So if you're going out or going on holiday 399 00:20:32,199 --> 00:20:35,202 Or anything strange happens involving other galaxies 400 00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,804 Just nip round to your local police station 401 00:20:37,871 --> 00:20:40,340 And tell the sergeant on duty, or his wife 402 00:20:40,374 --> 00:20:41,975 Of your suspicions. 403 00:20:42,042 --> 00:20:44,645 And the same goes for dogs. 404 00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,713 So I'm sorry to have interrupted 405 00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:48,916 Your exciting science fiction story 406 00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:51,451 But then, crime's our business, you know 407 00:20:51,485 --> 00:20:54,221 So carry on viewing, and my thanks to the bbc 408 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:57,457 For allowing me to have this little chat with you. 409 00:20:57,524 --> 00:21:00,394 Good night, god bless, look after yourselves. 410 00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:03,864 Do sit down, mr. podgorny. 411 00:21:03,897 --> 00:21:06,200 I... I think what's happened is 412 00:21:06,233 --> 00:21:08,101 Terribly, terribly funny... 413 00:21:08,135 --> 00:21:09,169 Tragic. 414 00:21:10,404 --> 00:21:12,406 You must understand that we have to catch 415 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,074 The creature that ate your wife. 416 00:21:14,141 --> 00:21:16,844 And if you could just help us answer a few questions 417 00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:18,946 We may be able to help save a few lives. 418 00:21:19,012 --> 00:21:20,113 I know this is the way 419 00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:21,849 Your wife would have wanted it. 420 00:21:21,915 --> 00:21:23,750 Aye. 421 00:21:23,784 --> 00:21:25,219 I'll do my best, sergeant. 422 00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:27,554 Detective inspector. 423 00:21:27,588 --> 00:21:29,022 Detective inspector. 424 00:21:29,056 --> 00:21:30,490 Now then, the facts are these: 425 00:21:30,524 --> 00:21:32,559 You received an order for 48 million kilts 426 00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:34,595 From a blancmange from the planet skyron 427 00:21:34,628 --> 00:21:35,996 In the galaxy of andromeda; 428 00:21:36,029 --> 00:21:37,197 You'd just shown your wife 429 00:21:37,331 --> 00:21:39,800 An entry form for wimbledon which you'd filled in 430 00:21:39,833 --> 00:21:41,134 When you turned round 431 00:21:41,168 --> 00:21:43,303 And saw her legs disappearing into a blancmange. 432 00:21:43,370 --> 00:21:44,371 Is that correct? 433 00:21:44,438 --> 00:21:45,405 Yes, sir. 434 00:21:45,439 --> 00:21:46,406 Are you mad? 435 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:47,407 No, sir. 436 00:21:47,441 --> 00:21:48,842 Well, that's a relief. 437 00:21:48,876 --> 00:21:50,043 Because if you were 438 00:21:50,110 --> 00:21:52,212 Your story would be less plausible. 439 00:21:52,346 --> 00:21:54,348 Now then, do you recognize this? 440 00:21:54,414 --> 00:21:55,382 Oh, yes! 441 00:21:55,449 --> 00:21:57,918 That's the one that ate my mary. 442 00:21:57,951 --> 00:21:58,919 Good. 443 00:21:58,986 --> 00:22:00,854 His name's riley... jack riley. 444 00:22:00,888 --> 00:22:02,956 He's that most rare of criminals-- 445 00:22:03,023 --> 00:22:05,425 A blancmange impersonator and cannibal. 446 00:22:05,459 --> 00:22:07,361 What about the 48 million kilts 447 00:22:07,394 --> 00:22:09,062 And the galaxy of andromeda? 448 00:22:09,129 --> 00:22:11,632 I'm afraid that's just one of his stories. 449 00:22:11,698 --> 00:22:13,000 You must understand 450 00:22:13,033 --> 00:22:15,569 That a blancmange impersonator and cannibal 451 00:22:15,636 --> 00:22:17,538 Has to use some pretty clever stories 452 00:22:17,571 --> 00:22:18,539 To allay suspicion. 453 00:22:18,572 --> 00:22:19,573 Then you mean... 454 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:20,741 Yes. but... 455 00:22:20,807 --> 00:22:21,441 Yes. how? 456 00:22:21,508 --> 00:22:22,309 Well... not... 457 00:22:22,342 --> 00:22:23,143 Why? I'm afraid so. 458 00:22:23,177 --> 00:22:24,111 Who knows? do you think... 459 00:22:24,144 --> 00:22:24,711 But... could be. 460 00:22:24,778 --> 00:22:25,445 I know. she was... 461 00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:26,313 Yes. 462 00:22:27,447 --> 00:22:29,016 Good lord, what's that? 463 00:22:30,150 --> 00:22:32,619 Ah, riley! 464 00:22:32,653 --> 00:22:35,155 Come to give yourself up, have you, riley? 465 00:22:35,222 --> 00:22:36,190 Eh, riley? 466 00:22:37,691 --> 00:22:38,659 Riley? riley? 467 00:22:38,692 --> 00:22:40,160 It's not riley. 468 00:22:40,194 --> 00:22:43,197 It's an extraterrestrial being. 469 00:22:54,708 --> 00:22:56,376 So everyone in england 470 00:22:56,443 --> 00:22:59,413 Is being turned into scotsmen, right? 471 00:22:59,446 --> 00:23:00,614 Yes. 472 00:23:00,681 --> 00:23:03,483 Now, which is the worst tennis-playing nation 473 00:23:03,517 --> 00:23:04,484 In the world? 474 00:23:04,518 --> 00:23:06,386 Um... australia. 475 00:23:06,420 --> 00:23:07,154 No, try again. 476 00:23:07,287 --> 00:23:08,288 Australia? 477 00:23:08,355 --> 00:23:10,557 No, try again but say a different place. 478 00:23:10,624 --> 00:23:12,960 I thought you meant I said it badly. 479 00:23:12,993 --> 00:23:15,562 No, of course you didn't say it badly-- now, hurry! 480 00:23:15,629 --> 00:23:16,697 Um... czechoslovakia? 481 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:17,497 No, scotland! 482 00:23:17,564 --> 00:23:18,532 Of course. 483 00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:21,268 Now... now, these blancmanges 484 00:23:21,335 --> 00:23:25,439 Apart from the one that killed mrs. podgorny 485 00:23:25,506 --> 00:23:29,443 Have all appeared in which london suburb? 486 00:23:29,510 --> 00:23:30,477 Finchley. 487 00:23:30,511 --> 00:23:31,678 No, wimbledon! 488 00:23:31,745 --> 00:23:34,815 Now do you begin to see the pattern? 489 00:23:34,882 --> 00:23:39,219 With what sport is wimbledon commonly associated? 490 00:23:39,253 --> 00:23:40,587 for viewers at home 491 00:23:40,621 --> 00:23:43,357 the answer is coming up on your screens. 492 00:23:43,423 --> 00:23:46,560 those of you who wish to play it the hard way 493 00:23:46,627 --> 00:23:48,028 stand upside down 494 00:23:48,061 --> 00:23:51,031 with your head in a bucket of piranha fish. 495 00:23:51,064 --> 00:23:53,400 here is the question once again: 496 00:23:53,433 --> 00:23:57,538 With what sport is wimbledon commonly associated? 497 00:23:59,373 --> 00:24:00,674 Cricket. 498 00:24:00,707 --> 00:24:01,508 No. 499 00:24:01,542 --> 00:24:02,910 Pelote? 500 00:24:02,943 --> 00:24:07,548 No, wimbledon is most commonly associated with tennis. 501 00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:09,316 Of course, now I see. 502 00:24:09,383 --> 00:24:11,785 Yes, it all falls into place. 503 00:24:11,818 --> 00:24:14,788 The blancmanges are really australians 504 00:24:14,821 --> 00:24:18,258 Trying to get the rights of the pelote rules 505 00:24:18,325 --> 00:24:20,394 From the czech publishers. 506 00:24:20,460 --> 00:24:25,132 No, not quite, but just look in here. 507 00:24:32,206 --> 00:24:36,276 Yes... so these blancmanges... blancmange-shaped creatures 508 00:24:36,343 --> 00:24:40,214 Come from the planet skyron in the galaxy of andromeda; 509 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:44,351 They order 48 million kilts from a scottish menswear shop; 510 00:24:44,418 --> 00:24:47,621 Turn the population of england into scotsmen-- 511 00:24:47,688 --> 00:24:51,625 Well-known as the worst tennis- playing nation on earth; 512 00:24:51,692 --> 00:24:55,529 Thus leaving england empty during wimbledon fortnight. 513 00:24:55,562 --> 00:24:58,732 Empty during wimbledon fortnight. 514 00:24:58,799 --> 00:25:02,002 What's more, the papers are full of reports of blancmanges 515 00:25:02,069 --> 00:25:05,038 Appearing on tennis courts up and down the country... 516 00:25:05,105 --> 00:25:06,073 Practicing. 517 00:25:06,106 --> 00:25:07,641 This can only mean one thing! 518 00:25:11,345 --> 00:25:15,849 They mean to win wimbledon! 519 00:25:15,916 --> 00:25:17,150 Well, here at wimbledon 520 00:25:17,251 --> 00:25:19,453 It's been a most extraordinary week's tennis. 521 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,321 The blancmanges have swept the board 522 00:25:21,355 --> 00:25:22,689 Winning match after match. 523 00:25:22,723 --> 00:25:24,424 Here are just a few of the results: 524 00:25:24,491 --> 00:25:26,460 Billie jean king eaten in straight sets; 525 00:25:26,527 --> 00:25:29,029 Laver smothered whole after winning the first set; 526 00:25:29,096 --> 00:25:32,065 And pancho gonzales, serving as well as I've ever seen him 527 00:25:32,099 --> 00:25:33,433 With some superb volleys 528 00:25:33,467 --> 00:25:35,669 And decisive return volleys off the backhand 529 00:25:35,736 --> 00:25:37,771 Was sucked through the net at match point 530 00:25:37,838 --> 00:25:40,140 And swallowed whole in just under two minutes. 531 00:25:40,174 --> 00:25:41,608 And so here on the final day 532 00:25:41,642 --> 00:25:43,177 There seems to be no players left 533 00:25:43,310 --> 00:25:44,778 To challenge the blancmanges. 534 00:25:44,845 --> 00:25:46,647 And this could be their undoing, dan 535 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,583 As the rules of wimbledon state quite clearly 536 00:25:49,616 --> 00:25:50,817 That there must be 537 00:25:50,884 --> 00:25:53,987 At least one human being concerned in the final. 538 00:25:54,054 --> 00:25:56,957 Well, the blancmange is coming out onto the pitch now 539 00:25:56,990 --> 00:25:58,492 And there's a human with it. 540 00:25:58,559 --> 00:26:01,528 It's angus podgorny, the plucky little scottish tailor 541 00:26:01,562 --> 00:26:03,130 Upon whom everything depends. 542 00:26:03,197 --> 00:26:05,232 And so it's podgorny versus blancmange 543 00:26:05,299 --> 00:26:07,734 In this first-ever intergalactic wimbledon. 544 00:26:07,768 --> 00:26:10,237 And it's blancmange to serve... 545 00:26:10,304 --> 00:26:12,005 And it's a good one! 546 00:26:12,072 --> 00:26:13,841 15 - love. 547 00:26:41,502 --> 00:26:43,704 And podgorny fails to even hit the ball. 548 00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:45,205 But this is no surprise 549 00:26:45,272 --> 00:26:48,675 As he hasn't hit the ball once throughout this match. 550 00:26:48,709 --> 00:26:51,645 So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now. 551 00:26:51,678 --> 00:26:53,780 Podgorny prepares to serve again. 552 00:27:08,896 --> 00:27:12,533 This is indeed a grim day for the human race, dan. 553 00:27:12,599 --> 00:27:13,800 But what's this? 554 00:27:13,867 --> 00:27:16,336 Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch 555 00:27:16,403 --> 00:27:17,771 With spoons and forks. 556 00:27:17,804 --> 00:27:19,406 What are they going to do? 557 00:27:19,473 --> 00:27:23,644 They mean to eat the blancmange. 558 00:27:34,855 --> 00:27:36,690 And they're eating the blancmange! 559 00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:38,926 Yes, the blancmange is leaving the court. 560 00:27:38,992 --> 00:27:40,394 It's abandoning the game. 561 00:27:40,427 --> 00:27:41,428 This is fantastic! 562 00:27:46,099 --> 00:27:48,302 Mmm... mmm... 563 00:27:51,872 --> 00:27:54,942 yes, it was mr. and mrs. samuel brainsample 564 00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:58,545 who, after only a brief and misleading appearance 565 00:27:58,612 --> 00:28:02,649 in the early part of the film, return to sa ve the earth. 566 00:28:02,716 --> 00:28:03,750 but why? 567 00:28:03,817 --> 00:28:05,786 Oh, well, you see, we love blancmanges. 568 00:28:05,819 --> 00:28:06,954 My wife makes them. 569 00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:08,755 she makes blancmanges that size? 570 00:28:08,822 --> 00:28:11,158 Oh, yes, you see, we're from the planet skyron 571 00:28:11,225 --> 00:28:12,459 In the galaxy of andromeda 572 00:28:12,526 --> 00:28:14,127 And they're all that size there. 573 00:28:14,228 --> 00:28:15,262 We tried to tell you 574 00:28:15,329 --> 00:28:16,797 At the beginning of the film 575 00:28:16,830 --> 00:28:18,165 But you just panned off us. 576 00:28:21,568 --> 00:28:24,338 so the world was saved 577 00:28:24,404 --> 00:28:27,140 and angus podgorny became the first scotsman 578 00:28:27,274 --> 00:28:31,645 to win wimbledon... 15 years later.